#also i just adore the Bubble Wraith :]

[measuringbliss]

Spider-Man Read-Through BONUS: Marvel Team-Up 2 (#36-79)

MASTERPOST

Continuing the same concept as the previous post, that is, a quick catch-up to not miss anything regarding Peter's social life.

In #36, Spider-Man fights with Frankenstein's monster. As in, they fight enemies together! That's nice. Peter says that with Gwen's clone, he's more inclined to believe in ridiculous stuff like his acolyte's existence. They try to save a woman in distress, but it was actually a SHIELD agent in disguise, who's after the monster-maker that trapped Spidey and Frankenstein's monster in the first place!

It's fun to see the three of them as allies. The monster eventually finds Spidey about to fight... Man-Wolf!

In #37, the story continues and the (hot) monster-maker traps Spidey and Frankenstein's monster AGAIN.

What an unfortunate bubble.

Don't worry, they escape. Again. Meanwhile, the SHIELD agent is with Man-Wolf, who eventually protects her from actual wolves. She flees at the first chance. Spidey soon finds Man-Wolf, and, uh...

Malehood, huh...

Well, that's just sad. That was a nice duo of issues!

#38 time!

Spidey meets Beast. They have a nice dynamic. Spidey also assaults a rich old lady!

In #39, meets an adorable kid, Manuel (I refuse to call him "Mosquito", his surname). Manuel has a tight relationship with pigeons, and I assume this is where Spidey's whole thing with pigeons (ITSV, Insomniac's SM) started.

Their cute scene is interrupted by an evil MEANIE who shoots a pigeon dead :(

Meanwhile, the Human Torch meets an Enforcer again (ASM 19!) Shenanigans ensue.

I prefer this outfit too, Marko.

#40 features a nice starting spread.

It's non-stop action, but the panels are entertaining!

So uh, anyway, Foswell had a daughter and now she's dead :(

In 41, Wanda Maximoff gets stoned.

Hahaha.

More importantly, 42 features this ad:

And we get to see Dr Doom, nice!

#43 is sure eventful, and #44 offers a really dark panel, what the hell.

In #45, Spidey hits Green Gobl'MJ. I will not explain further. In #46, time travel still (handy to not be too trapped by ASM's continuity).

Captain Jean DeWolff's introduced in #48, which sucks, but at least now I know who she is. She's very hardboiled, and her team up with Spidey and Iron Man is really nice.

It's juicy, even!

The Wraith is Jean's brother's brainwashed resurrected body, but the actual mastermind is Philip himself. It's actually a solid plot and it's wild that it was confined to Team-Up. And it lasts several issues too (48-51)!

In #52, SSM #1 is referenced!

In #53, we get a nice spread.

In #63, Misty Knight's there and she slays.

In #65, Peter has to house Brian Braddock, an English exchange student. He even introduces him to the Coffee Bean Gang, that's nice! But Brian is actually suspected of being Captain Britain by the EU branch of the Maggia, which wants to eliminate him.

Continuity in the apartment, nice! Brian barely catches Peter leaving his apartment costumed, and suspects Spidey might have abducted him. He transforms into Captain Britain to save him. That's actually a neat concept, but as usual, I wish it didn't focus so much on their fight. Still, I ship these two dudes.

You get it. I do think TU gets more interesting as it goes on, but the gimmick (teaming up with other heroes) ultimately prevents it from having too compelling stories for now.

#66 continues the storyline and traps both our heroes in a giant pinball machine, which is great. I hope we get to see more of this villain, Arcade.

#68 is a wild one. Peter and MJ go to the circus, see Man-Thing, then shenanigans happen and suddenly your 13 year old self's OC appears.

Uh-uh alright lmao.

72 finally continues the Jean/Wraith plot.

I love Jean's outfit in this one.

Her brother is alright now, yay <3

In #73, Peter asks Matt Murdock for help but the latter is distracted by the Owl.

You handsome beast.

In #74, Stan Lee's here!

MJ, I love you.

Oh I love this!!!! We also see Bill Murray, Dan Ackroyd, John Belushi, and probably other names I don't know about. I breeze through the issue, but it still has some of my interest.

Oh, MJ <3 There's a lot of battles but it's an uncharacteristically good issue. I might actually add it to my Recommendations post!

I thought it would be revealed to be in Peter's mind, but it seems not. It very much seems like MJ knows about Peter's identity, doesn't it?

In #75... Well first of all, I love the look of this place.

Andre and MJ proceed to kiss, and Peter's not very charmed. I love MJ's outfit in the first panel, it's really cool. The issue also sees the return of Luke Cage.

#76 time!

I kinda love that first page but also what's up with Peter having the Three of Swords on his crotch?

Oof. The only other things I stopped on were Ms. Marvel's civilian persona looking gorgeous, and Peter looking gorgeous too.

I see we have the same priorities!

In #77, that suit is drawn wonderfully.

I think it's the heavy shading, I really love it.

In #79, we learn that Jameson fired Carol Danvers (I beg your pardon? Oh, that's funny. I wonder how many super heroes he recruited without knowing it.)

She's so funny, I love her.

The museum's in flames, Peter goes as Spidey to investigate, MJ wants to know where he goes every time but her internal monologue says she doesn't know he's Spider-Man, so... a bit inconsistent here.

Then THAT happens.

Forever wondering why there's not more of a creative fan community around Spidey because there's truly something for everyone.

Intrigued by a sword, MJ takes it and gets possesed Red Sonja, skimpy clothes and everything, hell yeah!

We get a nice ending, with MJ transforming back into herself, unaware of what happened, and Peter throwing the magical item in the ocean as a pink cloud shaped like Sonja looks over him.

Yeah, I couldn't put more pictures.

[staticsqueaks]

Hosin held his ground, clenching a fist to seal off his bubble to keep the mangled half of his beloved safe. "Ah, you misunderstand me, freak. Everyone always misunderstands me!" He slid forward, throwing his spear to the side as he melted into a silvery puddle beneath Dire Magnus' pedes, catching it deftly on the other side as he re-solidified and landed a harsh blow to the soft, organic matter beneath those plates. He twisted and jerked back, the serrated tip tearing at exposed flesh like the pierce of an expertly shot arrow. He didn't waste time, no, this was not the moment for that any longer. "I say again, you misunderstand me!" He attacked from behind and splattered over the behemoth's back, clinging and suffocating heaving skin and trapping noxious heat beneath his slithering latex. "I am you!" He half reformed as he careened over the wraith's shoulder, prying his mouth open with powerful, bubbly fingers and holding him there as he squeezed and contorted like the coiling of a deadly asp. This was for Minimus. This was for ruining the budding friendships he'd had on this ship. This was for stripping him of the centuries of peace he'd upheld only to have crashing down upon his basal instincts once more. Hosin pooled, flooding that gaping mouth once more and mucking up heaving intakes, sputtering down to take hold of everything he could in the midst of his enemies fear. He squeezed organs, smoothed over claws and coated hands to become his own, blocking out the wraith's vision with a mask of his own as tidal waves crashed over his body. This time, Hosin spoke to him from within. You misunderstand, you foolish thing. I said I was you. I am everything you have become, everything you have desired to achieve. He took control, piloting those two vicious limbs to reach forward and pluck his spear from the ground, willing his prey to do what he knew must be done as he unhinged him and plucked at his seams like art. Hosin had done this hundreds of times, slogging his enemies on the battlefield and turning them on one another just as the millions of other Suppalians followed suit. They were a hive mind of sorts, a hive mind that had turned to peace and love of their fellow species in the universe, of an adoration for science. But at the end of the day, as he forced this pathetic creature to raise his spear by his own hand, enjoying the flash of distress in those six, widening eyes, he knew what he was. I am also a parasite. The rubbery parasite dealt the final blow, crashing down and using his foe's strength against him as he felt flesh curdle and crunch beneath the force of his weapon. He drove it home, slithering back from within that wet, horrible throat as he watched his enemy falter and sputter under his ability, turning away when a sick feeling erupted inside him at what he'd done. He didn't enjoy killing, he never had. It was the heat of the moment, the adrenaline before he re-solidified that carried him on. It was the revenge for his loved ones, the only way to protect the others on the ship. Hosin was a parasite...he'd always been the lowest of the low. But now, at least he had a chance to protect the ones he cared for.

Hosin leaves the bath behind and furrows his brow. He attempts his comms again. "Hello? Magnus? You are not picking up...are you alright? Are you still feeling ill? Please, if you find the time, call me back to let me know you are alright." There is concern in his voice.

There's more static, just as before, a tad louder this time. Once again, if the comm links are switched, the radio chatter is normal, voices clear as day. But as the comm link is switched back, there is the white noise now that screeches into Hosin's ears, piercing and loud, but in the midst of the screech there is a voice, cold, deep, a voice garbled amongst the white noise speaks to him now.

Ó̴̧̡̰̰͖̇h̷̢̟̫̗̩͊̍̂̊̆͛͆̋͑̒̈́̄̿ ̵̝͇̈́̉͊́̎̓̉̇̐̌̐͝͝͝Ḩ̷̧̢̣̝̞͇̺̬̬͔̦͑͊̾͐͗̋͊́ͅo̷̡̬͓̖͉̼͖̩͍̱̗̤͕͆͊͗͑͗̋̓̎̎̉̃̓͘̚͠s̴̡̛͖̯̤̭͙͎̆̕í̵̲̹͎̠̹̅͗͑͑̐̅̓͗͐̐̊̋̄͝n̷͖̮̮͉͔̹̜̠̦̺̅̆́̇͝͠,̷̨̳̘̞̱͈̥͓̼͉̩̜͆͆̊̔̾̊͜ ̵̜̜͆̎̈͊̓́ý̵̭̲̣̯̼̱̝̖̜͕̉̈́̈́̽͑̅̂̀̚̚̚̚͝ơ̸̢͍͇̬̦̰͓̹͔͙̞͕̟̞͚̓̌̽͗̉͋ŭ̶̜͓̯̟̜͙̄͗̃̍̄̿͘ ̴̢̡̛̩̪̲̺̼̫̜̟̑̍̃̀̋̔́̊̀̚͝p̸̬̎̆̊͝ǫ̴̡͉̲̲̘̗̂̃̔̀͝͝ͅõ̴͔͕͉̺̾̓͂̌̑̄̊͒̑r̴̨̢̜̱͚̳̣̩̝̩̈͆̐͛͒̉̃͑̿͝͠ ̸̡̧̜̯̲̭̥̟̼͍̻̫̩̂͐͐̉͜͜t̷͎̝̯̀͒̈́̒h̵̢̘͓̥̣̙͉͔̼͕̺͊ì̸̡̺̮̝̤̥̻̲͎͇̬̽̏̚ñ̷̦̠̹̤̭͎̗̞̹̯̪̭͆̂̃̓̆̂̀̂̈́̏͝g̴̲͉̪͎̻͈̻̰͎̣̼̾ͅ.̵̺͔͍̝̝̠̜̻͚̳͊ͅ.̸̛̟̫͓͎̲̘̙͊̂͆̅̽͘͠ͅͅ.̶͎̘̩͎̯̼̮̈́̔͂̎̎́̋̍̄͐̄̑͠͝

[rainydaymiddleearthimagines]

What a relationship is like with the Lord of the Rings men:

 Aragorn:

He’s adorable in a relationship, honestly. 

Very affectionate when it’s just you and him, or if you initiate some sort of form of affection first

He’s protective but not over protective

You wanna go out and fight too? Great, he’ll give you a sword and fight next to you

His pet names for you are “Darling” and “Love”

If you join the fellowship he’s definitely nervous about it

He’s worried the whole time about you being in danger, which to be fair you constantly were

But any time there was a battle, he was next to you, fighting side by side, ensuring you were safe

When he finally accepts his claim to Gondor, he will call you “ My Queen/King”

On nights you can’t sleep (unless your elven because from what I’ve read they don’t necessarily need sleep) he will sing to you or tell you stories of all the places he had been too or heard about.

He definitely will make you flustered when your with him on purpose.

He’ll flirt with you and you’ll just stand there with this red face and he’ll act like nothing happened. 

He is not a jealous man by any means, he trusts you with his whole being

His go to means of affection is kissing your knuckles or forehead.

I get the vibes that he adores fiercely independent people so he can sit back and watch you kick ass and be like “Look at what my baby can do” 

When he becomes king, you bet your ass you’re ruling next to him

He loves you to the ends of the earth

Legolas:

He absolutely adores you

VERY affectionate

Will call you pet names in elvish, whispering sweet little things in your ear

his go to means of affection is hugs from behind and holding your hands

You bet your ass that if you’re a human, hobbit or any non immortal race, he will give up his immortality.

He will teach you elvish if you don’t know it

His go to pet names are “Dear” and “My love”

He is very gentle, very loving

He’s extremely protective but that mainly stems from the fact that he has SEEN SHIT MAN.

If you want to fight, he will agree to it but he definitely will not like it

He’s not a jealous man at all, in fact other men’s advances kind of go over his head.

If you can’t sleep he will tell you stories that he’s lived through

Course, some of them are so exciting it defeats the purpose of sending you to sleep

He actually likes it when you go on adventures with him

He loves having you with him 

You definitely tease him for being thousands of years old. 

you love making him laugh

And he does that all the time because he gets to see that gorgeous smile.

Frodo:

The purest relationship. Ever.

He is very affectionate

EXTREMELY protective

He loves hearing stories of outside the shire and he loves sharing his experiences too

He loves hugs and my gods he is GREAT at giving them

He loves it when you play with his hair.

He is like Legolas in the sense that he definitely won’t be happy if you want to go into battle but he won’t stop you

He would prefer you to stay behind out of danger but again, he will not stop you if you want to go

his pet names are “Honey” and “Darling” 

He’s honestly so pure it hurts

There is a BIG difference in personality if you meet him before the events of Lord of the Rings

For one, he’s a lot more bubbly before 

When he comes back he clearly has seen some shit

Sad thing: When there’s a party he can’t hear screaming without thinking its a ring wraith so he has to leave early most times

You love him though and he DEFINITELY loves you.

Samwise: 

LOYAL. AS. HELL.

Has the sweetest personality

brings you flowers every other day

He is very adamant though about you staying behind on adventures, he will get frustrated if you end up going any way but he will not be able to remain upset with you

He also really doesn’t enjoy having to watch you run into battle

Danger in general, ESPECIALLY if it’s around you, terrifies him

You love hearing his stories, him telling you all about some of the crazy things he’s experienced

If you meet him before the events of Lord of the Rings, he will mainly tell you wacky adventures he got himself into with Frodo or Merry and/or Pippin

Hell, he does that even if you meet him after.

He actually refrains from telling you about life outside the Shire because it kind of gave him trauma.

His favorite forms of affection is kissing your knuckles

He will be that guy who works his ass off for you to be able to live comfortably

He loves you and will make sure you know that fact.

Calls you “my dear” or “Darling” 

Merry:

He’s a goofball.

Expect the unexpected. 

He will definitely do really crazy things to make you laugh

little bit of a prankster

By a little bit I mean: He’s a chaotic little shit

He loves you so much though and knows where to draw a line

He LOVES it when you want to go off and do shit

You wanna fight? Great, he’s charging with you

Wanna randomly dance in the woods? He’s dancing with you

He loves spending time with you 

He is SO loyal, always by your side

Watch someone try to separate you, he will kick their ass

He loves dancing with you

His favorite form of affection is holding your hand

Something about it is just so nice

He loves you so much, honestly he could spend HOURS gushing about you

Pippin and Frodo are always over for dinner, along with Sam

They love being around you two, watching their friend be so happy 

He calls you “Love” and “Dear”

He loves cooking for you, mY GODS HE LOVES IT

Pippin:

Like Merry, massive goofball

little more of a crackhead though

He is less of a prankster, more of a cracking jokes kind of guy

He’s totally a goofball and will do all sorts of  things to make you laugh

you genuinely love him and he adores you to pieces

if you meet him after the events of Lord of the Rings, he’s definitely more serious but not by too much

He’ll have a few moments where he’ll space out and you’ll have to tap him to get his attention

He clearly suffered so much trauma while on that trip

He definitely becomes more serious after everything

Yeah, he’ll crack a joke here and there but he’s definitely changed

He doesn’t mind if you want to go off and fight, but you bet your ass he will charge with you like Merry

He loves watching you be a badass

You love hearing the hysterical adventures that he’s gone on with Merry

He loves watching you sing and dance

he will sing to you on nights that you can’t sleep

His voice is hella soothing

He loves playing with your hair

He actually has a talent for making flower crowns

Boromir:

He absolutely adores you

piggyback rides while on adventures are definitely a thing

he loves making you laugh in slightly tense situations

Giant Spider pops out? His ass looks at it and then you “Why can’t we ever encounter giant butterflies?” and then charge like he said something inspirational that motivated him into battle

He doesn’t mind if you want to fight, he’ll just guard you the entire time

He’s fiercely protective over you

He loves being affectionate

Very attentive

Cold?

His cloak will be wrapped around you

Tired?

He’ll carry you

Sick?

He’ll take care of you

He loves you so much

He is kind of jealous. 

It’s not that he doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t trust other people. 

He loves calling you “Princess/Prince” or “Sweetheart”

You love hearing about his life in Gondor

When he dies... oh gods

It breaks you

If you went with the Fellowship you were inconsolable 

His family gives you the horn of Gondor because they all are aware of him loving you

You two sadly have a bit of a tragic love story

Faramir:

Affectionate as fuck

Loves hugs, always has his hand on you in some sweet way

He loves you so much

He was always kind of the overlooked son so when he presented you as “Hey this is the woman/man I love” no one except Boromir notices

Boromir always looked as you as a sister/brother after that, loving the way his brother looked at you with so much adoration

He does not mind you wanting adventure one bit, so long as he’s charging next to you

He does not give a shit about a claim to the throne either

royal life does not suit this man as much as the adventure’s life does

He loves you so much

He is sort of reckless in battle and that worries you

it gets worse after Boromir dies

When you thought he died you were hysterical

Then Pippin made the observation that he was still alive

His father wasn’t hearing either of you

Then he turned out to be alive and you were so happy

Scolded the crap out of him for worrying you

You two love each other till the end

Gimli:

loves a woman/man who can hold their liquor

Oh he’s a complete crackhead

loves telling you stories of dwarven life

you love his wild stories

You keep his mind open

If your an elf he will refuse to be in love with you for a while

Oh you definitely have a kill count thing going on with him

He gets flustered when he sees you being a badass

He ain’t stopping you from doing SHIT

Wanna run into battle? Great, he’s supplying the swords and charging too

Wanna join the fellowship? He’ll complain about having to save another woman’s/man’s ass 

And then later get saved by you

He definitely enjoys watching you in battle

He loves hearing stories of your homeland

sure maybe your life isn’t as exciting but he loves hearing about your life

He’s not big on affection but if he’s excited, hugs. 

He also isn’t big on nicknames but he typically calls you “Lass”

He loves hearing you laugh

He says it’s like music

[livralph]

Two hours of peace

Simon

Baz has his face pressed into my stomach. We’re on the sofa in the living room which the rest of his family almost completely neglects— Daphne doesn’t like the kids going in here because the furniture is all too expensive to be damaged. Baz said that she’d be okay with the two of them being in there because he was careful and even though I’m really not he said Daphne doesn’t know me well enough to know that. I think everyone knows me well enough to know I could shatter a styrofoam cup just by looking at it.

There’s a chance Baz is asleep. We’ve been lying on this sofa for an hour and he’s barely moved since we sat down. Or, since I sat down with my my legs across the sofa, and he dropped on top of my legs. Eventually, he ended up laying between them. With his face shoved into my stomach. It can’t be comfortable. His arms are pushing into his chest and my legs at odd angles, and I’m not entirely sure how easy it can be for him to breath given that his nose feels smushed into me.

I can’t hear anyone but him. The house is huge though, so I’m not surprised. When we left everyone they were in the kitchen, at the opposite end of the house. Fiona and Malcom had started gently arguing, Daphne was trying to feed her youngest children, and Mordelia looked like she wanted to leave as soon as she could. It’s not like I can say something about that though because, as much as I like Baz’s family, they’re a lot. He dragged me out the second Fiona raised her voice a little above a whisper and Mordelia jumped in with whatever opinion she had on the situation. I think maybe Baz lied when I asked how old she was. No seven year old I’ve met before has known literally anything about politics— but I’ve mostly only met Normal kids. And this family is as far from Normal as it gets.

Before he sat with me — on me — Baz waved his wand towards a docking station in the corner and used thank you for the music to get it to play whatever it was that was already lined up. He doesn’t like ABBA. I said as much but he just mumbled something about them being useful. When the soundtrack for Mama Mia! started playing I nearly laughed. Baz just huffed and dropped onto the sofa with me.

My hands have been sat awkwardly at my sides for the entire hour we’ve been sat doing nothing, and I’m starting to get a little bit restless. Even though my wings are stretched out behind me as limply as I can hold them and I’m trying not to flap them and break anything, it’s not like I can trust myself. It’s impossible for me to stay still for very long now. Penny thinks that it’s because I can’t use my magic at the moment and that because I had so much that was constantly bubbling to the surface I technically was never doing absolutely nothing. Now that’s not happening I find it harder to stay still. Apparently. Penny thinks so.

I move my hands to Baz’s hair, running my fingers through it carefully so that I have something to do with them. So that I don’t accidentally knock the vase on the sideboard behind me onto the floor and break it. Fingers don’t catch a single knot. After a few minutes I mostly stop moving my hand out of annoyance. Even if I brushed my hair ten times a day there it would still be impossible to get a brush straight through it. Also, it’s not like I’m a very gentle person, and I don’t want to wake him up. He hasn’t been sleeping much, and I keep waking up in the middle of the night only to see he’s stood next to his open window looking out. One of my fingers is still softly twirling a strand of hair around it, hopefully too softly for him to feel it.

He stirs a little bit in my lap, face pressing against my stomach harder than it had been and also leaning his head back into one of my hands a little. Baz twists around to look at me and I sigh deeply. He pouts a little bit and copies my sigh. “Why did you stop?” I can hear the pout as he speaks. It’s even more pronounced in his voice than it is on his face.

“Thought you were asleep.”

“I’m never asleep.” His hand reaches up and holds mine against his head to coax me into moving it again.

“You’re like a cat.” I think this a lot. He does act like a cat. The fact that he pretended to hate me and acted like I was the worst person in the world when he was actually obsessed with me only backs it up. One of the homes I went to had a cat, which is how I know they’re weird like that. She scratched my hand when I was trying to give her attention, then when I didn’t she followed me around meowing.

“Cats are evil, Snow.” My hand is back to stroking Baz’s hair, trying to run my fingers through it even though most of it is now wedged between in his head and my stomach. My thumb gently brushes against his cheekbone. It almost seems like he leans into the touch.

I think I’m smiling at him. Have I been smiling at him the whole time? There’s a chance I have. All I’ve done for an hour is watch him as he rested on my stomach while he apparently wasn’t sleeping. Penny says I’m always smiling at him now, but I always say it’s not true. We barely spend time actually together now. He’s at Watford, I’m at Penny’s or Agatha’s. Even if all the while I am thinking about being at Watford with him. “You’re evil.” I retort, cupping his cheek in my hand. This time he is definitely pressing his face into it.

“Maybe.” Then he shrugs, which is awkward from the way he’s lying and somehow his hair ends up caught under him in the motion and we have to move away from each other so that he can sort it out. My legs are still on the sofa, and he’s kneeling between them. Baz uses a hair tie on his wrist to pull back the shoulder length hair in to a bun. It’s horrifically messy, and I can already tell half of it must be still falling out over the back of his neck. Usually he’d look in the mirror and fix it, but he just rearranged himself to have his legs either side of mine then falls heavily against my chest. Somehow he manages to push his arms to be hugging me around the middle and I want to laugh. Baz is not clingy.

“You’re being weird.” I say, allowing his head to tuck under my chin and wrapping my arms around him.

He digs his nails into the base of where my wings join to my back, where his finger tips ended up resting. Not so hard, just enough that it twinges for the second he holds them there. When he loosens his grip again the feeing is gone. “I feel weird. Constantly. The house is too full.” The house isn’t full. There are nine people in it and it could fit a bit over twenty five. I’ve been in care homes with this many people in that barely had room for seven. I don’t say anything though. “I just want to be somewhere with you.”

I tense up at his words. Not on purpose; my stomach dropped and my body just sort of followed suit. It wasn’t in a bad way. It was in a way that felt very much like I couldn’t exactly process the words.

“Sorry.” He mutters, pressing his nose up against my neck softly, touching it to my pulse point. His lips brush my Adam’s apple and I swallow. What time is it? We’ve been here an hour and Daphne was feeding the youngest three. So maybe there’s another hour left until we collect our food from the kitchen.

“We’re alone now.” I point it out even though he knows. We’re alone and mostly will be until tomorrow when Baz has to take Mordelia on her daily walk and listen to her talk about how annoying the youngest three are when she can’t leave the house. Baz keeps saying that his siblings barely leave the house anyway. I’m beginning to think she sees him as more of an older cousin or cool uncle than she does a brother who she can irritate. I’m also not going to point out that’s it’s a little bit ironic that she annoys her older brother while complaining about her younger siblings annoying her. Baz sits further back on my thighs and looks at me.

“I suppose, it’s just... I can live with my family. Three out of four of my siblings are barely sentient, the fourth I actually get on with. Daphne is lovely— too lovely really, I don’t understand her.” He scrunches his nose up in this way that makes him pull a face that I really, really should not find ridiculously attractive, but I do. Everything he does is so gorgeous, even the horrible faces he pulls. Thinking about it, I probably like it because they’re the faces he’d always make back at Watford when we were just roommates who hated each other . “My father just doesn’t talk about uncomfortable subjects, which I can live with, and Fiona does nearly nothing but talk about those subjects, which I can also live with.”

I want to smooth the crease that’s left between his eyebrows after he’s finished. I lift my hands and tangle one in his hair already loosening hair, using the other to brush away the sharp expression on his face. “What about me?” We’ve spent basically seven and a half years sharing a room. I know I’m terrible. We’re sharing a room and a bed most nights even though there’s a room set up for me next door to Baz’s. I had been going to sleep in there but I’d wake up with Baz in the bed too so I’ve started just going to sleep in his room.

Baz sighs deeply and rests his forehead on mine gently, pressing our noses together a little bit at he does. Then his kisses me. Three times. On the lips. Holding my face in his hands. “You’re messy. You watch me eat my food. I put clothes out to wear the next day and then when I wake up you’re wearing them. You hog the duvet. You freak out about the wraiths. My whole family adores you. You don’t pick up your clothes off the bathroom floor. You use two in one shampoo and conditioner.” Every single word sounds condescending and exasperated. Each sentence is punctuated by a kiss to my lips. It’s weird, because even if the way he’s saying the words is normal, the affection they’re being wrapped in is not what would usually accompany what he’s saying, and— Baz is not usually one for bursts of affection. Not ones like this at least. And now it’s me sighing, but because he’s holding one of the gentle kisses longer than the rest.

“Right.” I mumble. I don’t know where he’s going with this. Maybe he isn’t going anywhere and he’s done talking and will now flop back onto my chest and pretend to sleep until Daphne comes to find us so we can take our food up to our room.

“I wouldn’t have it another way, Simon.” He mumbles, a few inches away from my face, but not close enough to feel the breath from his words. I want him to kiss me again. I want him to talk between kisses and make me laugh and make everything feel normal again because it’s been so, so long since things felt normal between us. They never really did and I just want them to. His hands are pushing through my curly hair that is too long, coming across a few knots which pull, but I ignore it because it’s nice. He’s nice. This is nice.

I kiss him, holding the back of his neck in my hands, thumbing gently across the base up to his hairline. Even after everything, hearing Baz say my first name is an insanely rare thing to happen. It always catches me off guard and I never know what the hell to do when he says it. So I break the kiss and say the first thing that comes into my head. “Tyrannus.” He stares at me. I stare back, trying to keep my face as straight and utterly unamused as his, when a hand hits me over the back of the head. “What the fuck?” I mutter, taking my hand from his hair and rubbing the back of my head gently.

“Merlin and Morgana, Snow. Let us have something nice.” He’s shuffled back away from me. Now he’s sat on my knees. They’re above the tiny gap between the sofa cushions and it’s not comfortable at all. It actually hurts a little bit.

“You called me Simon literally just now.” I try and change the angle my legs are at and Baz sits further back, at the opposite end of the sofa, staring across the room darkly. I curl my legs up to my chest, and look at him. Not everyone has self restraint. “Come back.” I say. Maybe I whined a little bit, but if Baz noticed that he didn’t acknowledge it, just pulled the sleeves of his jumper a little further over his hands. Actually I think it’s my jumper, because it’s an old Watford one which definitely never could have fit him properly. I’m pretty sure his family gets his uniform tailored to fit him perfectly.

“I am not going to come back you complete heathen. You called me Tyrannus.” Baz huffs the words at me, sneering, before also tucking his knees up under his chin and wrapping his arms around his legs and managing to hold the hands with my sleeves over to his face, covering the lower half of it.

I straighten one of my legs out and poke his thigh with my toe. He glares at me for a second but doesn’t do anything else. “You called me Simon.”

“If calling you Simon means that you call my Tyrannus then I am never even going to think of doing it again.” The words are muffled by the sleeves covering his nose and mouth. Baz turns his head to me again but this time doesn’t glare. He’s just... looking.

“I won’t call you it. I don’t even know why I did. Just come back.” I stretch my other leg out towards him and poke his ankle with this one. Baz rolls his eyes but squishes himself between the back of the sofa and my side without saying anything. He wraps his arms around my middle and puts his head is on my shoulder. A few minutes pass in quiet apart from the sound of an ABBA song (I think it’s the one Meryl Streep sings to Amanda Seyfried when she’s upset about her growing up. I don’t know. I’ve seen Mama Mia! once, and it was years ago). Then one of the twins starts screaming from somewhere far off, then the other follows suit.

Baz sighs heavily. I snort. One of his legs hooks over one of mine gently and he kicks my foot with his heel.

“What about Basilton?” I say into his hair.

Baz hums in response, but the sound doesn’t tell me an answer because it’s to neutral. “Just call me Baz.” I can feel his jaw move against my shoulder as he speaks. It might have been to conceal that he was smiling but I could still hear it in his voice.

“But is it better than Tyrannus?”

“Snow, I chose basilton over Tyrannus. What do you think?” This time when he spoke his words were slower and he yawned through the last few words. The drawling tone he tried to use didn’t really come through.

I tilt my head and press my lips to the top of Baz’s head and stay still apart from where my hand has come to rest on his upper arm; my thumb is brushing up and down on the sleeve of his jumper. His breathing has slowed slightly in the time since he spoke so I think he’s actually managed to fall asleep. That’s why I barely whisper my next words; he’s a light sleeper. “What about Basil?”

He presses closer to me, which I don’t think I expected. I definately didn’t expect Baz to be awake enough to reply. A few seconds pass and Baz ends up with his face pressed into my neck again, lying on top of me. “It’s nice, Simon.” I reposition my arms to be around his waist, feeling him fall asleep against me and, after mere minutes, I’m nodding off as well.

[seaquestions]

fulcrum makes candy

i havent be able to work on any of my fics bcos i’ve been busy (and terribly unmotivated lately) but! i thought i’d post a wip since it reads as mostly finished so far.

(artistic licence for science stuff btw. i’m basically writing what should be chemistry as confectionery lmao.)

It all started when Crankcase told him about meeting up with CONS4EVA again.

Or Symbols, rather. The dimension-hopping Dire Wraith figured that a Cybertronian translation of his name would be a smidge less awkward than using his TBC handle or a mispronounced, synthesized version of his actual name. It sounded about the same to him with the universal translator, so no big deal. Crankcase still tried to say his real name right anyway.

Regardless. The point was--Fulcrum needed to make more energon goodies. The last batch had unfortunately been thrown in Symbols' face when the Dire Wraith was disguised as Thunderwing, so it was imperative to try again. He also ate all the good ones last time, which, note to self: don't do that, Fulcrum.

He almost forgot to ask, actually, if Symbols was even capable of eating the sweets. The answer had been yes, maybe. The Dire Wraith could \consume/ energon, but whether or not it'd taste any good or if it would all end up regurgitated on the floor was a mystery. Still! Fulcrum needed any excuse he could get to make goodies.

The pressure of being around so many Autobots was starting to get to him, a little. His proximity alerts kept popping up, all the time, because none of these people had any sense of personal space. Plus, do you have any idea how many times he had to frantically re-label someone from [enemy] to [ally]? It was a lot! His drop on Clemency might not have killed him, but it certainly didn't do him any good. He had to do all that manually, now. It was stressful, okay?

And Fulcrum liked to stress-bake. When he \could/, anyway. It was certainly better than some of his \other/ coping methods. But there usually wasn't enough energon on the WAP to go around making candy, so it had been saved for the particularly bad nervous breakdowns or for special occasions, like successfully escaping mortal danger or Crankcase going on a date.

Thankfully, the Lost Light seemed to have plenty of fuel for both itself and its passengers, which was beyond nice. Fulcrum had reluctantly gotten used to the whole siphoning and cannibalising thing while living as a Scavenger, but boy was it good to be back to consuming real energon. He might actually be able to make more than just plain gelled energon cubes! But since he didn't \actually/ know if Symbols could enjoy the treats, he'd keep it simple... This time.

The hard part was getting the equipment to make candy in the first place. He didn't know if there was a kitchen area on the Lost Light, but even if there was, he didn't really want to make candy around other people. He knew, from experience, that it was a bad idea. But the anxiety of asking someone for materials left him paralysed, and he almost gave up on the goodies entirely if it wasn't for Krok.

The mech, Primus bless his spark, had gone to ask the command staff in his stead, and surely enough, Krok arrived in Fulcrum's room arms full of everything the K-Con needed and more, in both equipment and ingredients.

"The captain got real excited when he heard that someone was thinking of making sweets," he said, with smiling optics, "A lot of these weren't even on your list."

And so, Fulcrum got started.

Cooking might seem a little daunting for the average Cybertronian. Energon had a reputation of being volatile, to an almost comical level. Heat it up a bit too much, and it just might explode. Every element had their own distinct flavour that changed wildly based on their interactions with other substances, and it was impossible to memorise them all! Or so it seemed. But in reality, it wasn't so difficult. At least to him it wasn't.

For a mech with absolutely no background in chemistry or metallurgy, Fulcrum took to the culinary arts very well. While he might not fully understand the hows and the whys of chemical reactions, he definitely knew what was delicious and what wasn't.

The first step was making the flavouring. Energon itself, in its processed liquid form, was virtually tasteless, so this was important. Adding simple ingredients like copper shavings, which had a tangy, sour taste to it and chromium flakes, which was just plain sweet, was the most basic form of food preparation.

Just dumping metal into energon felt a bit amateurish to Fulcrum, though. He wanted the goodies to have a consistent look and taste to them, like they were professionally made.

So, the little metal flakes--he went with copper, cobalt (tart, with a subtle sweetness), iron (bittersweet and kinda savoury) and cadmium (mildly sweet and rich, his personal favourite)--were finely ground into a powder alongside pigments to add variety to the colour palette. He didn't want everything to be bright neon pink. One had to differentiate between the flavours somehow. Plus, the pigments themselves could also add to the taste, depending on what you chose. Unless you bought those tasteless food dyes, but those are for cowards, and in the kitchen, Fulcrum was not one.

Cadmium sulfide, for example, worked as a yellow dye, but gave the energon a certain acidic sharpness that wasn't there before, thanks to the sulfur. Cadmium \selenide/, on the other hand, was a deep red pigment that went beyond sharp and turned it into full-blown spicy. But Fulcrum was supposed to be making sweet treats here. So instead, he paired the cadmium shavings with chrome yellow, or lead chromate, to enhance the sweetness of the pure cadmium.

The cobalt and iron powders were simple, matched with cobalt aluminate (blue) and iron oxide (red). Classic choices, though he had to be careful with the latter, because it could very easily start tasting like actual rust, which was simply disgusting. He \could/ use the mercury-based vermillion instead, which was also savoury, but again, Fulcrum was not a coward. In candy-making, anyway.

The last one, however, he always had to have a whole internal debate over. Copper-based pigments tended towards greens and blues, but that wasn't really what people thought of, now was it? He could use gold ochre, but the iron-based pigment didn't really mesh well with copper, in \his/ opinion. He could mix a cadmium orange, but, again, he didn't want his candy to be spicy.

In the end, he just went with the basic green copper carbonate.

Alright! With that done, it was time to work on the energon itself.

In a large pot, Fulcrum gently heated the liquid fuel up, slowly pouring in a gelling agent that he had warmed up earlier. Under normal circumstances, regular processed energon did not solidify. To do so, you'd have to freeze it or leave it out for \way/ too long, letting it congeal, which was gross. (Looking at you, Misfire.) The gelling agent would let the fuel cool into a nice firm slab of jelly.

He then added one and a half cups of crushed lead acetate, stirring constantly to dissolve the sweetener in the energon until no particles were left in the semi-opaque pink liquid. It had also gotten lighter, light enough that the dyes wouldn't end up mixing into really ugly colours.

When the mixture started to bubble the tiniest little bit, Fulcrum took the pot off the heat, pouring the fuel into four bowls, one for each flavour, that he then mixed with the corresponding pigment. Red iron, blue cobalt, green copper and yellow cadmium.

The jelly would need a flat plane to cool on, of course. When Fulcrum went to grab a tray though, he noticed that he'd also been provided with plastic molds. Someone else must've been into cooking, then. He wondered who it could be, maybe they could share tips or something.

The molds were pretty basic shapes, like stars and circles, but it was nice of them to have given him this, whoever it was. He should use them then. If he poured the blue cobalt into the circle ones, it could look like little sparks... which was a really cute idea.

...He did it. Of course he did.

Blue sparks, yellow stars, red cyberkittens and green raindrops. It was almost unbearably adorable.

The leftover fuel was poured onto the same tray, creating some neat rainbow gradients. They were pretty to look at but to be honest, he had no idea how those parts would taste. Welp! Who cares!

Fulcrum stretched.

That was the hard part done. He put all of the filled up casts inside his room's mini-fridge. A few hours and they'll be solid. At that point, he'd have to take them out of the molds and cut the leftover ones into little cubes. Then after \that/, he'd have to leave them out to dry overnight so the goodies could form their crisp exterior, while also exercising enough self-restraint to not surreptitiously pop one into his mouth.

Oof. Forget what he said, the hard part hasn't been done yet, actually.

Still. This meant that he had time to take a break.

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: PMMM Rebellion - Part 1

Showtime! Tephi has seen Rebellion now, so I’ve got the all clear to watch it myself. For planning purposes, I’m keeping a list of break points q_3 suggested (14:30, 30:30, 41:30, 54:30, 1:07:30, 1:23:50, 1:33:30) as planned stopping points between posts, barring ragequits. I’ll be watching the DVD, but feel free to follow along on Netflix! Because apparently the movie is on Netflix, as I only recently discovered when I went there to rewatch some Madoka episodes in preparation for this. All right! Time to dive back into the world of Madoka Magica. Puella Magi Madoka Magica: The Movie - Rebellion

Main menu is split between Ribbon!Homura looking off to the left, and the cover art of Magical Girls on the right. Light flute music playing. Black background, a small but bright pink light growing larger in the screen “We are the ones who pray for hope, embrace curses and fight ever onward. We are Magical Girls.” I think this is Homura narrating. Light shows itself as a Soul Gem, as Homura talks about how in obtaining miracles Magical Girls take a “destiny of battle” upon their souls. And that the destiny ends with the “salvation of oblivion”. Off to a cheery start, here! But! “By disappearing from this world, we could escape our fate of despair.” That’d be the change Madoka made, taking MGs away before they Witchified. Now the Gem’s falling through water, to a window? “Someday, that final day will come. As we wait for the Law of the Cycle to lead us away, we continue our unending battle.” Um, is it just me or am I hearing voices in the background? Can’t make out what they’re saying. “In this irredeemable world, forever repeating its tragedies and hatred, I dreamt that I encountered that familiar smile once again.” Camera is now looking over a sprawling city (Mitakihara, right?) at night, lots of shining steel and glass structures. But a series of colorful lines snake through the air putting out lights, then the artstyle starts getting trippy. Silhouettes of ballerinas?

Uh, now there’s a 2D teddy bear/doll thing dancing? Which just spat out a couple of smaller teddy bears and SWEET MADOKA they just blew through a building! The heck? This is clearly a Witch, what with the Labyrinth and wanton destruction and all, but how? Weren’t Witches replaced by Wraiths in the new world? As is, Teddy Doll is now resting to the graceful classical music and looking at the ballerinas Wait is that Madoka!  It’s Madoka! Which… raises so, so many questions. But whatever, just look at her! So cute, shooting her bow into the air… and then frantically dodging the arrow storm. Hmmm, inexperienced Madoka? Teddy Doll runs from the barrage- and is followed by bubble-bouncing Sayaka? Ok, so this has to be an earlier timeline if they are here. Now Kyoko’s joined in the chase! Sayaka and Kyoko both attack Teddy Doll, lovely teamwork between these two, but it slips away from them into a building. Where it sits down at a dinner table? Wait, what’s going on now? There’s a French-style song with an accordion about “dreaming of the morning”, and Madoka just entered with a basket of bread. She’s feeding the Teddy Doll? And Sayaka and Kyoko just came in with more food?

Mami! Artillery Magical Girl is here, with some floating guns and And What the fuck is that thing doing here It’s Dessert Witch, the one that ate her head It’s right behind Mami What the hell Ok, what the hell just happened. Dessert Witch just sat down at the table, there was a huge burst of light as our girls just kept smiling. What is going on? Madoka wakes up? Ah, an odd dream. Wait, are you holding a giant orange Incubator plush? That’s INCUBATOR! GET OUT! That thing is lurking on Madoka’s shelf. Stop acting cute, you freak. I know what you’re capable of. Don’t say ���Good morning” to it, Madoka! Cherry tomatoes getting cut? Ah, it’s like the first episode at Madoka’s house! Father gardening, Madoka getting her hungover Mother out of bed. There’s a change in the bathroom dialogue, instead of talking about Hitomi’s love letters it’s about how she’s dating Kyosuke. Well! Isn’t that convenient! Wait, no, this is the show that launched my Ship of Death. Nope nope not pursuing that.

Hey, looks like Madoka already has her Soul Gem in the form of her ring. Confirmation of earlier timeline. Also, Ms. Saotome’s talking about the end of the world in class? She's upset that her students are hooking up while she’s still single? New student transferring to class that day? Hmmm, a certain Mysterious Transfer Student, is it? “I wonder what they’ll be like? I hope we can become friends.” Oh, I have no doubt of that, Madoka. And then the Incubator ruins the mood by showing up. Bleh. Same sweet breakfast scene between the family, Madoka heads out while still chewing her slice of toast. The Incubator hitches a ride on her shoulder, and our Protagonist laughs. Ugh! Stop with the suspense, Urobuchi, looking at Happy Madoka just makes me more and more nervous. A light poppy song comes up, with credits? Intro sequence? Light gloved touches form a tree-shrouded pond, and MG!Madoka strides across the water. Now she’s seated at a carnival teacup ride, as Sayaka and Kyoko spin one of the cups. Daw, they’re on a daFRIENDLY CARNIVAL OUTING BETWEEN FELLOW STUDENTS. Ha, almost got me there, Urobuchi! Homura at the same park at night? Looks up at the sky which is raining white feathers. Madoka walks through a field of flowers next to the amusement park, then through the park hand-in-hand with Sayaka. Now it’s fall (Sayaka is in an adorable beanie and sweater) and they’re joined by Mami. Now it’s winter and Kyoko is chasing Sayaka for withheld food, she trips into Blue-Hair and they tumble to the ground entOH GEE HOPE THEY DIDN’T SCRAPE THEIR KNEES. Whew, too close. Spring again as the four walk up to a white-dress Homura? Homura’s surrounded by gears now, until a hipcheck from Madoka snaps her out of her doldrums and she’s dragged into the amusement park. More flashes of gears, then a carousel where Homura is kneeling and has muted colors, while the other four girls cheerfully dance. Showing how she’s separated from their time? Flashes back to the lake, Madoka extends a hand to help Homura up from her kneeling position. Homura reaches out- Madoka’s hand crumbles to sand? What? Homura’s now in what looks like a desert with stone pillars in the background. Cries? There’s a black earpiece-thing in the sand with a purple gem? And yeah, we end in the desert, the movie’s title coming up.

Well, ok then. I’m completely lost. What does all this mean? Back to the light peaceful music as we repeat the first episode, Madoka meets up with Sayaka- and Kyoko? So she’s going to school with them in this timeline? Quick zooms confirm that the girls have their rings as well, and Sayaka compliments her for her work last night. So they did fight the Teddy Doll? The girls walk into the school, and man the studio got even more animation money for this movie, didn’t they? Lost of students running around, the building looks even more ostentatious that before. Standard Magical Girl chatter about “Oh, I didn’t get the reading done/Meh, I didn’t bother doing the homework, can I copy yours?” Sayaka takes offense to Kyoko trying to copy off of Madoka, they squabble as Madoka tries to play peacekeeper. Even the Incubator pats her head in ‘sympathy’. In class, Teacher’s saying that just because the Mayans were wrong about Doomsday, doesn’t mean that they’re safe! Um. Ok then? Alright, maybe you should take your meds lady. It was bad enough when you wasted class time ranting about your exes, why don’t you do your job. “Well, to be honest… I think perhaps the ending of the world may not be such a bad thing.” Ok really now, you- “After all, I’ve had my fill of dealings with men and love and so forth. If I must carry on this way and have my age rounded up to 40 from now on, I’d rather everything just ended at once, in one fell swoop.” Ah, ok then. Teach’s just having a midlife crisis. Move along, nothing to see here.

Say hello to the Mysterious Transfer Stu- wait. Homura has her glasses and braids? Is this the first timeline, in fact? Even not being so Mysterious, the class all gives a gasp as she enters. And are those blushes I see on our characters' faces? Especially Maodka? Daw, that’s CUTE THAT SHE LIKES WHAT SHE SEES WAIT NO I MEAN IS HAPPY TO SEE A NEW FRIEND. HAH, DODGED THAT ONE. Huh, Homura’s cheerfully saying hi, no hesitation. So not the first one, then. Yup, brushing back her hair she flashes her Ring, our other MGs immediately recognize is for a Soul Gem. Right, this isn’t her first pass so she’s already got her powers. And maybe it’s still early enough she can be happy about the thought of saving Madoka? Now we’re on the roof, apparently Mami already knew about Homura, thought it’d be fun to surprise the other girls. Homura says she should have introduced herself last night, when they were fighting the- Nightmare? Translation change between the show and movie? Mami confirms that she was around last night, and that she has significant power as a Magical Girl. Homura protests that she is more of a support role that anything (still early enough she hasn’t been raiding armories for weapons). Sayaka welcomes the help, as does Kyoko “provided last night wasn’t a fluke”. Madoka grasps her hands, and welcomes her to the team.

All right! Now, what to say about the movie so far? AAAAAAHHHHHH THE DESSERT WITCH IS ALIVE IT IS FOLLOWING OUR GIRLS WHY WHY WHY WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?! Ahem. So, obviously Dessert Witch being around is a Big Deal. Question is, what does it mean? All the signs are pointing toward this being an earlyish run for Homura, not the second because she didn’t immediately spring to blurt out Madoka’s secret, but early enough that Looping Fatigue hasn’t set in yet, nor has she developed her full combat style. However, now that I think about it I’m not sure all the mentions of Nightmares instead of Witches are translation changes anymore. What we saw of Dessert Witch in the show was an entity that wasn’t that cunning, mostly just focused on eating or destruction like the other Witches. But maybe there was a change this timeline. Maybe this time the Witch is taking a more subtle approach, is tricking or brainwashing our Magical Girls to clear out other Witches under the guise of “hunting Nightmares”. Which brings up some rather stark concerns about where this movie will go. Homura knows the truth, knows what Dessert Witch is and can recognize that something is wrong. So it’s only a matter of time before she rebels (title relevance!) and tries to take it out. But I don’t think the manipulated girls are just going to stand by for that. Hmmm.

[dumbfinntales]

Recently I tried out a game called Soulstice, and it looked really cool but it left me with mixed feelings. I both adore and hate the game. To the point that I decided to not finish it, because quite frankly it isn’t fun. But how does one adore and hate a game? I do admit that I’m in a bit of a weird spot with this one, but here I go.

Soulstice is a fast paced action game akin to Devil May cry or Bayonetta. Its combat isn’t quite as deep and you only have a few moves to unlock for each weapon. You play as Briar and Lute who are a Chimera, a fusion of two people. Briar is a badass warrior lady and Lute is her sister and spirit companion. But I guess I’ll start with the things I adored. I did enjoy the fixed camera stylistic choice they did as it feeds to my Devil May Cry 1 nostalgia. That game was the start of my love for action games in general, so I quite liked the fixed camera during exploration. The camera is free however during combat.

The combat isn’t quite as deep as others in the genre and its simplicity also reminds me of the first DMC. Although the game does have a ranking system where it scores you on your performance. Getting platinum rank isn’t too difficult as long as you switch weapons and don’t get hit. I enjoyed the combat somewhat, but there’s one big negative that’ll come later. Many of the games major bosses were really fun too, not counting the big fatties that come back as regular enemies later on.

For whatever reason I loved the world and the story. This was a big thing for me. I was genuinely invested in the strange world of chimeras and wraiths. Briar and Lute were interesting main characters as well. Something about the world feels lived in as the characters reference in world events, cities, religions and customs. At first I thought it was kinda generic, and to be frank it’s not super creative even still, but I enjoyed it. Especially the concept of a Chimera, a super soldier that’s basically the fusion of two people. And they’re all fated to be consumed by their own power and “transcend” as it is called in-game. But they have these assassins called reapers that kill the Chimeras for the Order before they get to transcend. A really cool concept.

But that’s where the good stop. The games is riddled with annoying flaws and stupidly designed combat encounters. But the biggest thing that ruins this game is its central mechanic: the evocation fields. They’re basically red and blue bubbles your spirit buddy can summon so you can hit red and blue enemies respectively. It all falls flat when the amount of time you can keep the field up feels short and the enemies are really fucking tanky. Your field breaks and you gotta run around until your spirit buddy comes back. Some enemies are a chore to fight like the red hulks whose unblockable attacks come out way too fast and the stupid fucking summoner enemies that keep teleporting away from you. And also color coding enemies in an action game is kinda dumb to begin with.

Some challenges and encounter designs are just unfun. Don’t break any object? Your spirit buddy can break them for you, failing the challenge. You can also get knocked into objects and break them. Stay in the air and don’t touch ground? Your combos keep sending you off platforms and enemies get knocked too far away. Not to mention those stupid red and blue mines that react to your fields. Put those in a combat room or a boss fight and you got a shit sundae. It’s like they want to annoy the player rather than challenge them.

The game also has a weird system where enemies have a weakness to a certain weapon type, but often they get introduced before you get the right weapons for them and fighting said enemies is tedious. I felt my soul drain from my body when I had to fight the summoner enemies without the weapon they’re weak to. Not to mention you have to upgrade them too for more damage.

I got really far into the game, chapter 21 I think? I fought Donovan (which was fun), but to get there I had to suffer so much frustration due to how the game is designed. The encounters just are not fun, and so I decided to watch the ending on youtube and call it a day. I most likely won’t replay this game in the future. I’d rather play DMC 5 or something.

How would I fix Soulstice? I dunno man, remove the field mechanic. Although it would require substantial reworking of the games mechanics as these fields are so heavily tied to gameplay. Maybe make them last infinitely? I dunno. I do want to see a new game from these devs however. With deeper combat, reworked mechanics and better encounter design. Rework the parry system too because it feels just odd to see constant prompts on the screen. It was a fair try from these devs and they at the very least know how to create a super interesting world. I don’t want to see this universe they created wasted, so that’s why I’d like to see a sequel. A sequel worthy of being proud of.

[tokyoteddywolf]

Bubble bath, diamonds, lingerie, glitter

bubble bath: do you have any routines before bedtime? like skin care, etc. what are they?Nope. Literally just music and internet til I get tired and then sleep.diamonds: how do you feel about excessively spending money?Dear god no! Engulfing is nice now and then but excessively spending money is a nightmare for me! ;-; (my mum tends to splurge when she gets enough saved up and it goes into clothes or extra stuff like decorations or a new couch or an expensive tv and it drives me nuts that she can't save it for emergencies-)glitter: describe someone special to you.I dunno, my pal Airlie? He's my super cool pal? He's fun to hang out with and I adore teasing him about his gay crushes on people lmao XDWe chat a lot and come up with ideas for our OC's (who are also friends, kind of. Rin and Shinya are close pals, Rin dislikes Ryou, and Wraith doesn't really care.)He needs a haircut though, and a re-dye job if you ask me. Nerd.lingerie: do you consider yourself a promiscuous person?Nope.

[thegirlwholied]

Hiya! Since you're my go-to lover of SW Extended Universe, I was wondering if you had any recs for where to start reading within the EU and/or what some of your favorites are?

I legitimately have Star Wars: The Essential Reader’s Companion on my coffee table at the moment (since on May the 4th I grabbed a pile of visual-guides etc. from my library to rapidly study for a bar’s Star Wars trivia night) so this is inevitably going to be one of those My Time Has Come!!! posts.

Short answer is YES and there will be Choose Your Adventure Options.

Big Caveat, though, aka the cream & sugar with which to take this answer:

- Most of my Star Wars reading took place between ages 9-14 & the limited rereading I’ve done has mostly been post Rogue One & mostly skimming; this also means we’re talking Ye Olde EU here & at that mostly pre-2004 EU.

Also? A thing to know about the EU?

A lot of the “entry points” are kickoffs of 9-book series… or a 19-book series…or trilogies, including one with a sequel duology. So do you want:

Standalone?

Series Starter?

Short Stories?

Comics Instead?

Total Random Sampler if you want to go In Media Res to the nth degree?

All right, let’s go. ;D

Standalone.

Han/Leia focus?

For solid Leia characterization as well as banter-romance, some finding-out-Shmi-Skywalker-exists prequels shenanigans, & a plot about art from Alderaan (and secret Rebel codes), Tatooine Ghost.

For a Glorious Hot Mess… okay no probably don’t read Courtship of Princess Leia, but please do read this article on it.

Other focus?

Truce at Bakura - very sci-fi-y, very Imperial v. Rebel bidding for planetary political support plot-y, immediately after Return of the Jedi. Bonus for Anakin’s Force ghost visiting Leia… but I forgot more than I remember of this one so can’t vouch for much without a reread.  

Series Starter.

For ladies with lightsabers, villains who like art, and crazy clone stuff before anybody knew what the clone wars were supposed to be:

Heir to the Empire, 1st in the Thrawn Trilogy: the “It is Known” of the EU.

It was the real-life kickstarter of the main books, & the classic answer to your question. And it is hyped for reasons; while half of them are Zahn’s original creations (Talon Karrde, Mara Jade, Thrawn himself, Pellaeon, plus just New Republic & politics), a lot of it is just solidly managing a Han&Leia&Luke who feel and talk like their movie selves.

(Also, you’ve probably heard of Mara as Luke’s wife and pretty importantly? Very much not so in this trilogy, which is not to say the tension isn’t there. You could time jump the 10 years right to the Hand of Thrawn duology where the romantic tension is more Overtly There, since the in-between 10 years can be more or less handwaved as ‘New Republic & Jedi Academy Adventures Occurred’).

But my personal series pick:

X-Wing: Rogue Squadron. A 9-book series (+ a recent 10th follow-up feauring. one of Wedge’s daughters, which is on my to-read list since Allston, who wote 4 of the 9, may be my favorite EU writer).

The first 4 books are one Rogue Squadron arc; the second 3 are a separate trilogy (Wraith Squadron); next two are follow-ups but also kind of standalone adventures & I think the last, Starfighters of Adumar, may be the best beloved.

I’m a big judge-novels-by-their-first-sentence person, and the EU novels are…rarely great by that measurement. But Rogue Squadron starts with You’re good, Corran, but you’re no Luke Skywalker, which really is an excellent introduction to how this tie-in material is going to roll and to a brand-new Star Wars character (particularly as Corran’s reaction to that statement from Wedge tells us most of what we need to know about him & his biggest flaws on p. 1.)

Yes, lots of space battles; yes, almost all totally new characters aside from Wedge Antilles (but the “cameos” are great, when Luke & Leia etc. do show up); has its boys’ club feeling moments (most of our main ladies are love interests for one of the main pilots; even my beloved Wraith Squadron has The Girl™ syndrome). But the plots are about as good as the EU gets, and I have badly wanted this to be a TV series since I was small.

+, by book 2 of the X-Wing series you get 3 Star Wars ladies all in the same room talking to each other: Mirax Terrik (smuggler), Iella Wessiri (basically a detective who became an Intelligence officer), & Winter (many things, including Leia’s original BFF, but mainly undercover operative). And there’s 4 other plot-significant female characters I can think of in that book alone (2 on the good side, 2 less so), as well as a really excellent Leia cameo scene.

Alternate starting point: Just go with X-Wing #5, Wraith Squadron, as you don’t really need the first 4 to follow, & it laces much more humor in with the action, with added focus on 2 pilots from the original trilogy (Hobbie & Wes Janson, & this is why everyone loves Janson) as well as Wedge. Fewer ladies, although Tyria Sarkin is pretty darn great.  

Controversial starting point: From what I’ve seen of EU fandom, folks either love the New Jedi Order or hate it, and while (like most Star Wars books) it has Certain Things I take issue with… I mostly loved it, and Vector Prime, which kicks off the 19-book-series, was part of why.

Of the Solo kids, Jacen & Jaina had their own series (Young Jedi Knights) and Anakin had his own (Junior Jedi Knights); in the adult books, they’d mostly been little and played minor roles either a) being adorable or b) being kidnapped. Here is where they’re suddenly part of Real Galactic Shenanigans and the crisis of their generation kicks in.

It also marked the end of all’s well that end’s well era in Star Wars books, for, as Han puts it (thank you, Goodreads quotes):

“I had built this bubble around us. Around all of us-you, me, Chewie, the kids, Luke, Mara, even Lando. Heck, even the stupid droids. We were all in it, you know. In it and safe, a cozy family. Nothing could hurt us—could really hurt us.”

Also feat. Jaina Solo being the best damn up-and-coming pilot in the galaxy able to fly circles around her brothers.

Short Stories

Good option if you want a taste of the Primary EU authors’ styles without committing, and if you like shorts in general. (There’s a huge new short story anthology coming & I’m cautiously interested, since I remember these as fun):

Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina, Tales from Jabba’s Palace (you can meet Mara Jade here if you don’t want to commit to the Thrawn trilogy), Tales from the New Republic (includes the novella-length “Interlude at Darkknell” briefly feat. Bail Organa’s personal messenger “Aach” and more finding-out-about-the-Death-Star-plans shenanigans)      

Comics Instead

Rogue Squadron had a comic series too, completely separate from the novels/set earlier, & while I never read all (outlet mall had a bunch of the graphic novels for $2 and I swooped them up when I was 12), I’ve reread the ones I have, plenty. Would definitely recommend.

(Rogue One feels, with this comics quote, from the best lady pilot of the comic series: “Sometimes the only way evil can be defeated is by the selfless, sacrificial efforts of good people. We can only hope that when our time comes, the cause is as noble and the need as great.”)

And I remember liking the Mara Jade: By the Emperor’s Hand graphic novel.

Crazy Sampler Option

Where *I* started: Junior Jedi Knights: Vader’s Fortress, 9th birthday gift.

Surprise to me, Star Wars books exist! Surprise, Han and Leia have kids and one of them is Anakin Solo, age eleven, with the weight of being named after the ‘good man who was’ Anakin Skywalker on his shoulders & also ice blue eyes; surprise, he is now the love of my nine-year-old life.

Surprise, this is actually the 5th book in the ongoing Junior Jedi Knight series but the in media res did not phase me (helped by 90s-style reintroductions).

…in fact it made me like it better than I might have starting from the top. Maybe because I love mysteries, maybe because I’ve always gotten my books from libraries first & foremost & so would just grab whatever was available, I have started many a series, both accidentally and on purpose, with a book that was Very Much Not the First In the Series; if I like it, I usually backtrack.  

Absolutely No One suggests Junior Jedi Knights as a starting point… But. Adult!Me still gives an approving nod to some Really Nice Things here:

-this was my intro to the Luke’s Jedi Academy on Yavin 4, and I will forever love the aesthetic of his Jedi Academy being in the temple from A New Hope

-the best pseudo-Yoda-figure in the EU, with huggable Muppet-ready design.

-Immediately passes the Bechdel test thanks to conversation between Jedi instructor Tionne & Anakin’s BFF Tahiri (the Childhood Friend Romance Trope is strong in this series)

-Tionne herself, who names her ship Lore Seeker because she’s all about history and bought said ship “for a song” (traded an ancient song about the ‘very first Randoni merchants and the vaults where they hid their wealth’).

-I totally don’t still have this book and have it open in front of me at all what no

-You know how in Harry Potter Dumbledore writes a very nice letter back to Petunia explaining why she can’t come to Hogwarts? Luke… is not Dumbledore. Luke deals with Uldir, teenage son-of-two-cargo-pilots & stowaway who shows up on Yavin 4, desperate to become a Jedi despite zero Force talent, by letting him stay & participate in what training he could.  

-the plot: Vader kept Kenobi’s lightsaber (because of course) and they go to retrieve it at Vader’s Fortress.

- no lava because Mustafar wasn’t in-canon yet but yes otherwise it could basically be Vader’s Fortress from Rogue One exactly. Same aesthetic! You could consider this his Other Castle. The summer cottage.

-Anakin Solo finding Vader’s “bedroom” aka creepy sleeping cylinder, complete with tiny hologram of Luke Skywalker

So yes my randomly-ordered suggested-just-dive-the-heck-in sample pack, based more on “here are my favorite Star Wars book people and why I love them”, would include:

- Junior Jedi Knights: Vader’s Fortress

- Young Jedi Knights: Lightsabers (aka pay attention to what you’re doing kids or you might get your arm cut off or worse be the one to cut off the arm of the girl you like)

- the Mara comic if you’re not quite feeling All of the Thrawn 

- Rogue Squadron: Blood & Honor comic (because it is the one place you’ll get the full storyline on ‘who are these Fel people who keep coming up?’, meet Corran & Iella in their CorSec days, & Plourr gets to be great.)

- “Interlude at Darkknell” - it’s Stackpole (X-Wing writer) AND Zahn (Thrawn) co-writing, so you get a feel for them both, AND it’s short (…+ ”Aach”

X-Wing: Starfighters of Adumar, if you’re only going to read one of the nine

New Jedi Order was By No Means designed for any to be read as standalones and so I think delving in out of context would be an Experience but… If I Had to Pick One… 

I would cheat like a scoundrel & pick 2 and say the Enemy Lines duology, for both plot & dialogue & the best take on the Old Guard of the Rebel Alliance At War Again, but especially the dialogue (as quotable & memorable throughout as the EU gets).

[dustbunny105]

Gonna do my live reactions to MtMtE Revolution and LL #1 in a couple posts so I’m not flooding the tags with old stuff, I’m sure everyone’s devastated, yadda yadda, HERE WE GO, GIMME THE CRANKDATE.

I’m not even gonna lie, this cracked me up. I’m still laughing. I love this brand of irreverence, Idk.

Aaand turns out that’s the back cover. How tf did I end up there?? Well, whatever, still laughing and now at the beginning of the book.

Okay, first and foremost, I need a series about The Big Conversation, I’m not even kidding. I already wanted more of it, now I want all of it. I especially want o see the losers behind these screen names. Assuming that “Cons4Eva” and “TILL ALL ARE CON” aren’t real names, because I would not put it past the Decepti “let’s use our sigil for freaking everything regardless of whether it’s appropriate or in good taste” cons.

The progression of Crankcase’s interactions with his chat buddy is freaking adorable, don’t touch me.

Also, I spent most of it wondering why Con4Eva’s icon was wearing a domino opera mask before realizing it was an infinity sign. Cute.

Grimlock is cuter than a giant robot dinosaur rampaging through a strange town (speaking of-- what?) has any right to be.

Idk if MP3 is an established Joe, as I’ve never been much into the Joes, and I also dk what I think of him. Like, he’s kinda cute, kinda too much?

Why did I laugh at this so hard.

Omg, is that who I think it is... WHAT ARE YOU FOOLS EVEN DOING?

Yep, that’s who I thought it was alright... I repeat my previous question.

I wonder if they named themselves or if the holoform program gave them those names. Because on the one hand, I wouldn’t have expected them to come up with passable names on their own, but on the other hand, those names are also better than I’d expect from the program.

n a similar note, re: Spinister being called Dennis-- is the program still “struggling with human gender” or is it just doing better at human gender than a lot of humans?

Honestly, I’m surprised to realize that that babbling bunch of speech bubbles there is Spinister’s, not Misfire’s.

Incidentally, where is the Crankdate? I feel cheated.

OMHG WHY THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS. WHY THE CUP HOLDERS. DID YOU SIT AND HASH THIS OUT OR???

No, seriously, they were so eager to show off the helmets. They were totally waiting for a cue. They totally put thought into those features.

Why does Misfire know the phrase raison d’etre. How much thought did he put into this operation. What is even going on.

Omg, are they presenting their alt mode bodies as their vehicles. Why does that tickle so much?

Crankdate preparations! Yes, very good, this is what I’m here fo-- IS HE WEARING A REPLICA MEGATRON HELMET, OMG, DO THEY MANUFACTURE THESE FOR SALE.

I’m honestly not sure if it’s better if these Megatron helmets are sold on the market or if Crankcase made this one/someone made it for him. I also am not sure what “better” means here.

Wait, this isn’t a Crankcase line? I’m legitimately shocked. Look, I even wrote out the entire word legitimately, that’s how legitimately shocked I am.

For real, though, what’s Krok’s problem? Fulcrum wasn’t even talking to him, he was answering Crankcase’s question and Crankcase’s personal appearance. Like, did Krok suggest the helmet, is that why he’s so defensive?

Also, “Says the Decepticon with a chin the size of Luna-2.” If they’re gonna keep going on about Fulcrum’s chin, I wish he’d be drawn with, y’know, a more distinct-looking chin. Get Derrick J Wyatt on him or something.

Does Fulcrum seem kinda skeptical/judgy about this online dating meet-up thing or is it just me?

... The Big Conversation. Ongoing series. Now.

Fff, this is really cute :,D

Okay, I straight-up cackled. I feel like a lot of the fandom forgets that Fulcrum is a xenophobe when it comes to organic races and so having it laid out like this pleases me muchly. Also, I mean. It’s awful but still. Humans are kinda gross and we’d probably be super-gross to robots, let’s be real.

FFF, THIS IS. REALLY CUTE.

Yeeeah, Fulcrum is totally skeptical/judgy about this online dating meet-up thing, energon goodies or no.

Also, come on. Are you seriously asking me to believe that Con4Eva is not a name that would be found somewhere in the annals of Decepticon history, come on. Granted, it is still pretty weird that Crankcase seems puzzled by the idea that Cons4Eva is not a real name when he himself uses a screen name.

Pause.

Soften his face? Soften-slash-hide his face? I THOUGHT THEY WERE TRYING TO COVER THE MASSIVE FREAKING HOLE IN HIS HEAD, BUT KROK IS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HIS SCOWL??

... A-are these stories taking place at the same time. Do they seriously not realize that the three most conspicuous members of their crew have run off? I realize this date is important but, YOU GUYS.

"Be who you are. Within reason, obviously.” That is so this title.

Aww, that’s cute in a misguided kind of wa--iiit a minute. Wha--

I. This. I don’t. It’s like. I know all of these words individually but here they are together and I just. Can’t. What.

Also of note is “tasteful kibble”. What exactly qualifies as tasteful kibble? I mean, is this in line with “minimal kibble”? Interesting, if so, that lack of kibble is apparently widely considered attractive as long as you’re not a monoformer.

IS THAT FREAKING THUNDERWING, WTF. CRANKCASE, WHAT.

Er. Come again...?

Yeeep, I’m cringing. On the bright side, I think I’m supposed to be.

I still don’t know what I think of MP3 but I’ve decided I feel bad for him. Having to follow those cool, sophisticated aircraft in a junky van. And not doing such a good job of it, apparently.

Plus, I mean, the van breaks down and he decides to sit out the whole mission? Like, he remembers he’s trying to find a giant robot dinosaur causing massive damage to people and property, yes? Though I guess there’s not really room to ride along with either of them, so... Idk, still weird.

THE HELMETS OFF. I’M SCREECHING. I’M SCREECHING MY LAST SCREECH, AFTER THIS SURELY FOLLOWS DEATH, I CAN’T. MISFIRE, FFS, YOU HAVE A HUMAN-LOOKING FACE ALREADY, WHY THIS.

Aww, look at poor Crankcase, though :(

*Neil deGrasse Tyson voice* Watch out, we got a bada--

Well then. I rescind my sarcasm. Those, uh. Those are some powerful nibbles.

Pft, I though Krok and Fulcrum were holding hands for a second there.

Seriously, though, they left Crankcase behind? For booting up cold, Krok, you were standing right next to him.

Ffs... And from the character wants to open a mental health clinic too :/

"Typical.” The way I’m imagining this whole bit being delivered is making me laugh but also I’m back to “poor Crankcase.” Dude just wanted a nice date with his chat beau ;;

I’m cackling. I approve this running gag.

What in the-- is that a Dire Wraith? Is that better or worse than Thunderwing?

... You didn’t. You guys, you didn't.

What am I saying, of course you did.

I know the Wraith is probably just calling him Grumpybox because they didn’t exchange names, but I want the Wraith to think that’s Crankcase’s name.

Is that a Russian thing?

And the context in which he talked about him didn’t tip you off...?

Everything about this is making me choke.

Still choking. Meta jokes get me every time, I swear.

Nnnnnd’awww, babyyyy ;~; Lookit that face, my heart. Even after this, he wants, uh... what’s-his-name to stay. Don’t go, Cons4Eva...

Listen, if you didn’t notice Grimlock literally breaking out through the hull of your ship...

Nnnooo, don’t do this D:

Aw, no, did Spinister and Misfire kill MP3?

Uh... huh. Listen, Misfire, Idk when exactly you tripped over a conscience that encompasses squishy people, but I still don’t think you’re really in any position to be throwing stones.

That feeling, though.

This face is killing me ;;

Aaand I’m cringing again. At least, again, I’m probably supposed to be.

This is really cute, but... why? Idk, I feel like we were cheaped on some relationship-establishing interactions here.

Aww, that was quite a feelings dump. I’ve decided I like MP3.

More meta jokes, yasss~

Extensional beat-boxing. And it’s working.

My heeeart. Cons4Eva, don’t gooo.

Wow, rude.

Couldn’t Cons4Eva just shift to get through there anyway? Not that I want him to, of course, but still.

Okay, you’re pushing it now... I say as I’m laughing anyway.

Cuuute <3

Nooo, stay with Crankcase >(

On the one hand, poor MP3. Getting left behind like that after being invited has to suck. On the other hand, he just dodged a bullet, let’s be real. They would’ve accidentally killed him within a week, tops. Or Spinister and Misfire would’ve used him to pull some prank on Fulcrum and Fulcrum would’ve very deliberately killed him.

Within a week. Tops.

Okay, so. Huh. I dunno. I felt a lot of things about individual things while I was reading, but looking back at the whole... I dunno. It was kinda cute, it was pretty fun, there were some gross parts. I sort of get the feeling that the bRos were more interested in having a good time together than anything else. Which is fine by me in theory, honestly, especially in a case like this, but that makes three MtMtE finales (well, “finales”) that were ultimately underwhelming.

[object279apocalypsetank-blog]

Halo Rant! (trigger warning, I get rather emotional and emphatic in some parts here complete with insults and some degree of cursing so if you’re emotionally delicate this may not be good for you to read)

So, if Tumblr is known for one thing in my experience, it’s triggered people. And in that spirit, here is something that has been triggering the everloving fuck out of me - the recent state of Halo and the beliefs of some of the Halo fandom. Before you start labeling me Anita Sarkeensian 2: Electric Boogaloo - no, what has be in such a fuss has nothing to do with identity politics or SJW insanity. This instead is me being beyond fed up with (1) the piss-poor decisions that hampered Halo 4 and ruined Halo 5, and (2) purist elements of the fan base crying about some new elements that I personally love.

Starting with the first point, especially in Halo 5, Halo doesn’t feel like Halo in the new trilogy and not in a good way.

In the original Halo: Combat Evolved especially but in all the Bungie productions (2, 3, ODST, Reach) to some extent as well, Halo was awesome because it was a versatile environment strewn with a variety of interesting weapons, toys, gadgets, and associated hijinks to take down a variety of enemies in a variety of disparate and fun ways. Individual engagements were very short, almost NEVER lasting a minute and usually not lasting even 30 seconds, but packed into that short time was a great deal of intensity, variety, and some complexity mixed together in a well-made formula that made these engagements, well... engaging, I guess. There were also various power-ups you could run across that could give additional benefits, such as active camouflage that could make you invisible for long enough to sneak into an utterly dominant position against a tough group of enemies and pick them off without them getting a fix on your location, or overshields if you wanted the extra durability needed survive an aggressive frontal assault on those enemies instead. Moreover, the location of all of these things tended to be cleverly laid out so that what was available to you in a given location would give you a variety of equally fun ways that were effective against the local challenges. I’ve heard Halo CE described as a sandbox before, even.

In Halo 3, deployable equipment came into play. Bubble shields, deployable barrier shields, land mines, radar jammers, and more liberally strewn around the levels added new potential complexity to your strategy while none were objectively vital to your success. Halo Reach brought reusable armor abilities to the table, like a reusable bubble shield that healed you, reusable active camo, sprinting, and jetpacks, which had previously been in Halo but only used by AI-controlled enemies. Again, I was personally fine with this. There’s a part in one mission in Halo Reach where you HAVE to use a jetpack to progress, but it’s very obviously there as a tutorial. I was even fine with Halo 4’s two types of armor mods, in fact I’d have liked to have had a way for the Chief to use them in the campaign. And indeed, one of the very few things that Halo 5 did right in my opinion is Spartan Abilities - because it makes sense that Spartans (who can might I remind you flip tanks and in the lore run faster than cheetahs and have literally dodged bullets) can perform some level of powerful acrobatic feats for combat usage. I’m bringing all of this up to show that these new abilities didn’t detract from the Halo experience, just to be clear, it’ll be important later.

However, Halo 4 is far more linear-feeling then most any Halo to come before it, and Halo 5 was even worse. One of the most damning things for me in the campaign is the fact that suddenly for the first time weapons dropped by slain foes despawn very quickly once you’re at least a very short distance away.

Take for instance in Halo 4 the mission with the Mammoth where, actually right after you dismount it and run into all those Jackal snipers. Were it not for this mechanic, I could (and would) pick off the first few snipers with a line of sight to my entrance to the area, before jetpacking up there and using their dropped beam rifles to pick off the other Jackal snipers and any other foes in immediate range, such as those at the initial entrance to the nearby Forerunner plaza. And then, I could go back and pick up the nice heavy weapons I took off the Mammoth where I left and proceed from there. Instead, I get use of maybe two beam rifles each with 10 shots at absolute maximum, and if I leave the weapons I swapped out for them too far away for more than a few seconds then they’re gone forever.

This, especially when combined with the massively limited ammo of so many Halo 4 weapons, so heavily hamstrings your options in the campaign, and the weapon despawning is still an issue in multiplayer. Weapons found on racks and such don’t despawn but that ultimately just railroads you into whatever few weapons have abundant ammo racks or immediate enemy drops in the immediate area, unless you want to play on Easy where you can actually melee everything and live (which would be easier if the energy swords didn’t follow Halo Reach’s mistake of costing 10% charge per use). The Prometheans are fun, but in a game that lacks Sentinels (as in-gameplay combatants anyway), the Flood, Brutes, Drones, Scarabs, and more, they barely compensate and that’s only because of how short the campaign is. Halo 5 also has the weapon despawn problem.

Sadly, what good there is in the new trilogy is almost universally soured as a rule due to the new art style. Some of the Forerunner buildings, some UNSC capital starships, and the Halo 4 depiction of the Prometheans and their weapons are the only things I think look objectively good at any given time, though some other things especially in Halo 4 look good with varying degrees of frequency, such as the Battle Rifle in Halo 4. The fact of the matter is that most of everything looks like something out of a particularly childish superhero anime. Often, this comes at the expense of what visibly looks and would be actually functional.

My biggest example of this is the armor design. Although Halo CE and Halo 2 didn’t have good enough graphics to really show much in detail aside from armor players over some type of thick under-layer, Halo Reach definitely did and Halo 3 also did to some extent if you looked closely. I adore the armor design in Halo Reach - here, the black underlayer is clearly shown to be additional, interlocking plates of armor beneath the iconic separated thick outer plates. Yet these armor layers are comprehensively hinged and segmented to allow freedom of movement. That, and Halo Reach’s beautiful yet gritty graphics were at their finest with Spartan armor. Though not advanced enough to show this beautiful level of detail, an observant viewer could make out segments and plates in Halo 3’s Spartan armor to see that they had a similar design imperative there. In a similar fashion, Sangheili armor also had interlocking, fully covering layers (barring the face save for a few versions), and even in the original games, it was clearly a fully-encompassing suit of armor. Similarly, the rest of the Covenant generally had functional armor that at least covered most of their bodies, barring a few exceptions like Drones.

In Halo 4 and 5, Spartan armor looks like someone violently detonated a deformed, mechanical version of Godzilla, then half-assedly glued some of the pieces here and there to a diving suit. The underlayer might have been meant to look like chainmail or something but it really just doesn’t work for me visually and gives the impression that only the outer plates offer any protection. On the Elites this gets even worse, with the outer plates being the only part of the armor leaving exposed skin everywhere! Similar issues persist with most other 343 “armor,” the most grevious offense being the basically naked Brutes from Halo 2 Anniversary. I don’t know why they’re so bent on armor only being a few disparate plates here and there but it just doesn’t work - it looks stupid and clearly lacks functionality. That, and the way they animated it all looks, once again, like something out of a childish anime. I especially miss the old Grunts, someone get rid of these weird shitty little frogmen that have replaced them. The Prometheans in Halo 4 looked incredibly cool and were some of the few entities in said game that genuinely looked like something made to be viewed by the over-12, but then they ruined that in Halo 5 by making them look like shitty ripoffs of the T-800 Terminator that were made once again for some very childish anime.

Many of the vehicles look dumber as well. I like the old Warthog’s lines better, I’ll just be frank. And Halo 5’s attempt at a Wraith tank leaves gaping weakpoints to either side of the crew compartment whereas the original Wraith presented a thick, rounded lump of armor to the front, and again the end effect looks stupid, ineffective, and childish. I get what they were going for with the fighter jet feel to the new Pelican’s cockpit, but the original spacious cockpit with access to the crew compartment makes much more sense and we all know it - the afterburners and strapped on weapon racks are a nice touch, though. But I miss the old boarding ramp and the crew compartment turret. I also miss the Halo 3-Reach design for the Shade Turret, which looked cooler, offered more protection and easier access for the operator, and looked able to carry heavier weapons.

I also like the old sound effects of Halo more than the new ones, for the most part, barring Promethean weapons which are new anyway. And I miss aliens talking in English, the humor of Grunt insults trumps the half-assed attempt at “atmosphere” in having them make weird alien sounds every time. Sure, Halo Reach started that trend, not the new trilogy, but it should never have been repeated.

I mean, sure, Cortana is smoking hot at least in Halo 4, but... do you really think that your audience is horny and lonely enough for one great holographic blue ass to distract us from the nauseating graphics going on around said ass? Besides, if I wanted to play a game mainly for scantily-clad women, then I’d be playing World of Warcraft, not Halo.

Speaking of Cortana, Halo 5’s story. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. Killing Cortana in Halo 4 was ballsy but was also executed quite well, like the rest of Halo 4’s story. Then they threw Halo 4’s villain (the Didact, who by the way survived Halo 4) out the window, made Halo 4’s plot meaningless by resurrecting Cortana as a villain, gave her an accomplice (the Warden Eternal) who was miniboss material at most, and jumped on the ridiculously over-filled bandwagon of AI rebellion scenarios. Halo previously had a fascinating take on AI that had them too occupied with intellectual pursuits to care about seizing power, but then Halo 5 just had to be like every fucking other setting with AI instead of staying in the nice unique little niche it already had! For fucks sake, come on 343! Maybe some AI acting out on their own, just like humans desert or rebel sometimes, might give a Halo spin to AI rebellion, but nooooooo, it has to be super-hacking AI with a sinister plot of total control using secret advanced weapons like the previous trillion times that exact thing has been done.

Some people dislike how the Chief talks more in the new trilogy, but that’s to some degree just because he now says some things out of cutscenes. I don’t see the problem with this - well I do, but only with the risk of taking it too far. Let’s face it, if they tried to make the Chief a talkative guy spewing one-liners like Sergeant Johnson, it would ruin the character. But having him say things that are relevant to combat (discussing with officers/Cortana about the nature of an objective, ordering local Marines to perform a certain action, etc.) is fine and occasionally even having him show some emotion like in Halo 4 is alright, Halo 4 hit the sweet spot and Halo 5 didn’t take it all that much into the too-far region. Chief is a man of few words, so what he says will be carefully-selected, but he ultimately isn’t an utterly silent robot. On that note, Fireteam Osiris was a perfectly good idea, and only was annoying because of the general poor script of Halo 5 combined with 343 being visibly unsure whether they wanted main characters, side characters, or background characters. Also, Blue Team working with the Chief should’ve been a thing from the start, it’s one of the few things done cleanly right by Halo 5.

And yet, while all of these problems are indeed problems and make the new trilogy not feel like Halo very much, there is another group that pisses me off far, far more than this. Apparently, some people think that being able to sprint WHILE PLAYING A SUPER FAST AND SUPERSTRONG CYBORG SUPERSOLDIER makes Halo not feel like Halo. Apparently, being able to do literally anything at all that you couldn’t do in Halo CE - be it equipment, sprinting, armor abilities, Spartan abilities, or armor mods - ruins the game. Some of these people are diehard challenge junkies who think that having more HP and abilities than a Grunt is heresy, sure, but some people are just weird, mentally challenged purists. For some reason, a notable amount of people have latched onto the fallacy that it was the primitive original movement system, not the variety and choice, that made Halo so great. Apparently, being able to do more than an ass-normal Marine who happens to have an energy shield is some great sin. IF I WANTED TO PLAY AS A NORMAL SOLDIER, I’D BE PLAYING CALL OF DUTY YOU IDIOTIC LUDDITES! All of these extra things, in a well-designed, open, not strictly linear mission, only add to the Halo-style campaign experience, and having these things only greatly increases the potential variety of multiplayer games!

These same people also cry about the new depictions of Spartans kicking Elite ass, when this is how good they were in the lore and it took a high-ranking Elite, not any Elite, to match a Spartan. They are of course too blinded by nostalgia to notice the Chief tearing through army after army of Elites.

This sheer hatred of anything new is so goddamned infuriating to me. WHAAAAAAAAAA! SPARTANS ARE SHOWN DOING THINGS THAT A GAME ENGINE FROM 17 YEARS AGO WASN’T ADVANCED ENOUGH TO LET THEM DO! WHAAAAAAAAAA! Fuck off, you stagnant imbeciles. As I said earlier, if you want to play a normal soldier then go to Call of Duty and join up with their whiny purists instead. And the worst part is that their bitching distracts attention away from the real problems with the new Halo trilogy’s direction in favor of whining about being able to do things not featured in Halo CE.

I on the other hand WANT variety, the “open sandbox” feel that makes Halo so great. I would love a game with Halo CE’s powerups, Halo 3’s equipment, Halo Reach’s armor abilities (though they’re in Halo 4 as well), Halo 4’s armor mods (both types), and Halo 5’s Spartan abilities, all with dramatically more versions of all of these added in and more weapons, vehicles, and enemies than all previous games combined (with no weapon despawn and much more ammo capacity too). But this is only any good with the much superior Halo Reach art style, and with an open, versatile level design with a long, long campaign tested exhaustively to be fun at every turn with a wide variety of approaches. A game with literally hundreds of enormous (like Forge World enormous) multiplayer maps, with all non-player entities able to be spawned (as either friendly, hostile, defensive, or even aligned to one specific player team) into a huge variety of hugely customizable game modes, and said gamemodes can even have scripted events set to happen at scripted times, and ONE WHERE WE CAN PLAY AS ELITES AGAIN. Likely play as Brutes and Prometheans too, or maybe play as everything and let 500 people play as Grunts in a massive free-for-all. Also with a huge degree of armor customization, with every inch being entirely modular and split into a great many individual customizable parts with upwards of hundreds of options each. That and have a good story.

But with corporate greed pulling towards short, linear campaigns with a weak story, limited multiplayer with so much less feeling of variety and long-term enjoyment, and all of this in an annoying and stupid art style, and with screeching Luddite manchildren pulling towards shitting out perfect clones of Halo Combat Evolved every few years, I am left in the middle. I have tried to be optimistic for so long, but my patience with this issue is very much now at its end and I am something beyond furious with the state of things. If and when SJW politics find their way into Halo someday, the situation will only get worse. And so I’ll be left here, playing the Bungie Halo games as well as some great fan mods (SPV3 most notably), and cursing the names of CE purists, 343 Industries, and hardline SJWs alike. Someone help.