#also i implied this to be about lourdes but honestly could be about anyone

[wyslyyzr]

HOW DID I MISS THE FIRST LISS MEME ROFLMAO do it. I dare you. I double dog dare you.

◈ for a first kiss between our muses.  |  @sebastianshaw

through the motions of life, erik has always tried to be decisive. it is a change from the quivering and persecuted child he was, but even then, max had ground nails into knives, and on more than one occasion, decided he would die to kill his oppressors, thwarted only by misstep. he prides himself on his strengths, but there is one distinct category he's had a tumultuous time with: interpersonal relationships. they were often elusive at worst, and complicated at best; his methods were disavowed but he was loved, or he was not loved and was feared, or he was precisely asocial to the point of withdrawal. it was always a struggle, and erik's loneliness was silent, tucked away beneath his breast bone with the rest of his pain he had no desire to aerate.

he doesn't particularly like sebastian shaw, but he tolerates him as demanded or requested by those around him that he respects more, which allows for a subsistence of social dynamic he wished he could simply scorch to nothingness. shaw is oppressively annoying, but erik suspects even if he could train himself to offer minimal reactions, shaw might not retract--his interest ran a bit deeper than mere needling, though erik could not quite deduce what it was that interested shaw. his strength or convictions? maybe, but it was difficult to imagine sebastian approved of how he used them--he'd almost made that clear already. erik simply pretends that isn't there, that he can exist in relative peace, though he feels sebastian's eyes on him rather consistently.

this is a quiet moment, one erik relishes, even if it's beside someone like sebastian shaw. he offers ambivalent reactions, responses, a neutrality meant not to reveal his hand or thoughts, but it would be a lie to claim he didn't enjoy this, at least; the sprawling scenic view of high risen paths and low valleys of clear water, the refracting light from the falling sun, the subtle breeze that tickled his throat and forearms and hands, that lazily tangled in his hair.

when shaw gestures, albeit vaguely, to the ink stretched across his bare forearm, erik's brow sets in clear annoyance, a sharpness narrowing his eyes. sebastian lifts a finger to tut, oh, please, erik, i am not mocking you. he watches shaw fold a leg over the knee, expecting a verbal display of stupidity, or at least, something that would evoke a tremor of rage, but to his surprise, it doesn't come.

shaw mumbles in a way that seems deliberate, like he was sharing exactly what he meant to, a storybook that eliminated any opportunity for vulnerability--like if he said what he meant in an exact tone, it couldn't possibly sound like something that was about him, something that made him less than impervious and grandiose. when he speaks, its of his father, of an impoverished childhood, though the details are deliberately obscured. perhaps a brusque and narrow comparison to what erik endured, but perhaps not done maliciously.

this once, at least.

the bars of tendon in erik's wrist flex as his fingers spider about the rim of his offered glass of champagne, and the taste is fragrantly sweet. he'd observed the bottle had been appropriately stamped with a kosher seal, and wondered if that had been intentional, too, or if shaw had deferred to his misconstrued idea of what exactly kosher meant. that was fine by erik, either way; he hadn't had a good glass of wine or champagne since passover. see, i am not quite the privileged lout you seem to think i am, erik.

erik rolls his eyes, though a bud of amusement burrows into the side of his cheek, pressing a soft line beside his lip. ' oh, believe you me, shaw, i still think that of you. ' he stands from his seat, the sunlight touching his white clothes in such a way that it made erik look otherworldly, illuminating his pale hair, his draped shawl, the tight fit of his long legs. ' i'm unsure what your motivation is for sharing such knowledge with me, ' erik begins, opening his hand in offering to take shaw's emptied cup, ' as it would be out of character to think of you doing anything without an ulterior motive, ' he raises his brows at shaw, though the gesture is almost playful, ' but.. regardless, i appreciate that it was shared. ' shaw rolls his hand on the ball joint of his wrist, flicking his fingers in a dismissive manner. i have servants for that. so erik drops his hand, and shaw rises from his seat in tandem, electing to take erik's emptied glass himself. erik watches him set the pair aside on a small, cherry-oak polished end table that bore nothing else but what looked to be a cigar box. take it as a display of good faith.

' you do nothing in good faith. '

quite untrue, and such an unyielding accusation. you think so low of me. ' is that so? give me an example of your good faith. ' when shaw staggers to an idle, searching for something that would appease magneto, erik almost laughs in his face. ' i did not think so. ' shaw reaches for his arm before he can retreat from the balcony, his hold unkind enough to make erik jerk in response, but he relaxes when it becomes evident to him sebastian merely wants to gain precedence over this debate, and keep him here to speak. well, i make regular donations to a homeless children's education fund in pittsburgh.

' okay. ' thats an example, as you demanded. ' i suppose so. '

when shaw contemplates him, erik thinks he looks rather dull. he watches his brow press into a line. when you learned the scarlet witch and quicksilver were your children, what did you do, magnus?

erik raises a pale brow, something hot and brittle waning in his chest. the sudden switch in topic is jarring, and suspicious to erik. he blinks, averting his eyes from sebastian in thought. ' i held my granddaughter in my arms. i thought about all the time i had missed, and i felt sorry for myself, and sad for them. and i got over it, and began trying to fill in the gaps. why? what does-- '

shaw, perhaps realizing he had yet a hold on erik's arm, lets him go. nothing. it was--a ghost from my past has come to haunt me. you, so filled with them, might have known what to do. i was.. perhaps, asking for .. help.

' help? you? ' ridiculous, isn't it? it feels disgustingly wrong.

' well, thats your problem. ' erik presses his finger into sebastian's chest, albeit the pressure is slight; it's meant to get his attention, nothing else. ' you only accept help when it means theres less work for you to do. what do you do when it makes you vulnerable? i struggled with that for years, and it is still wanting. '

there is a long suffering moment of silence between them, the sun continuing its descent on the horizon, bloated colors of orange and pink crawling over glass. finally, one of shaw's near-comically large hands raises to crest the side of erik's face, his thumb curling to the hinge of erik's jaw, beneath his ear. he tilts erik's head like he's appraising his face, and erik scrunches his nose. ' what are you doing? '

kissing him is certainly the last thing erik could have expected. in fact, it's so left-field to him, so abrupt and strange, that for a moment, erik doesn't know exactly what to do. shaw pulls erik's head down just slightly to compensate for the inch of difference in height, an act erik would suspect meant to be domineering. when his senses come back into focus, he can taste alcohol, a hint of smoke, something beneath that likely to be meat. his heart rushes into his ears, and the swirl of panic pushes erik to respond, his suspended belief finally giving like an overcrowded dam. he balls a fist against shaw's clavicle and shoves with force, successfully prying him free, and nearly knocking him into the railing.

' gott! du khazer, what in--why did you do that? ' erik roars, wiping his face in his sleeve.

i thought we were having a "moment".

' no! '

[back-to-louis]

I’m an anti but also I just wanna know what would happen if the crazies are right and it is real💀there’s a .0000000000000000001% of that happening bc faking a child doesn’t exist,, but imagine how insane that would be. How do u think us(antis) would react if that happened? I’d honestly just say” k cool” and move on w my day cus I love Louis and don’t harass him bc of ships but like how would YOU react?

Oh, there's a lot going on here.

So first, let's please not call anyone "crazy" - conspiracy theorists are not crazy.

Now, you say "faking a child doesn't exist (- but what if it did?)" But that's not the question to start with. "Faking a child" is doing a lot of work to refer to a lot of individual actions, none of which exist.

So what part of ... anything... are you curious about what would happen if true?

What if Louis were actually gay? Well, if Louis were actually to come out as gay at some point in the future, by stating that he is gay, because that's how you come out as gay, it wouldn't actually make anything else that has been reported in his life a lie. Gay men who have come out have also had real girlfriends and wives prior to coming out (Elton John, Ricky Martin, Lance Bass, Vincente Minnelli, Bryan Lourd - if you haven't heard of those last two, look them up!), real sex with their girlfriends and wives, had real biological children with their girlfriends and wive, and still been gay. So, if Louis were to come out as gay at some point in the future, nothing changes for me as a fan because it doesn't imply anything about any other part of Louis' life other than that he would have come out as gay. Welcome to the family, well done, etc. And even if he were to come out, he could come out as bi, or pan, or otherwise part of the LGBTQ+ community, which would make it doubly reasonable that his stated relationships and his son were and are realistically part of his life.

This is what is meant when antis (meaning, people who live in the reality-based portion of this universe) say that "of course closeting exists! Of course sometimes artists and actors and performers and ordinary regular folks may be in the closet for years before coming out as gay or bi or pan or otherwise part of the LGBTQ+ community!"

Are you still with me?

So when you ask, "what if [larries] are right?" What exactly would they be right about that would change anything that Louis has said about his life, or that anyone who knows and loves Louis has said about his life, that I or other antis might have feelings about?

* What if they're right that Louis has been forced by some record label, management, or "other" contracts since 2010 to pretend to be in specific relationships with specific women who are similarly contracted to pretend to be in a relationship with him, including cohabiting, sharing pets, spending time with family members, sharing mutual friends who all vouch for these relationships, etc. despite having had different management and record labels to the ones he signed with in 2010?

* What if they're right that Harry has been forced to do so with similar contracts despite also having different management, agent, record label, etc. to the band AND to Louis over the course of these years?

* What if they're right that one or more of these contracted entities identified one woman and contractually compelled her to pretend to date Louis and pretend to be pregnant parallel to her parents having contracted... a surrogate... to carry THEIR baby... (are they simultaneously contracted to the multiple record labels, management agencies, etc. too?) ... and of course contractually forced Louis to go along with all of this, sign a birth certificate, have his family confirm for years that he has a child, have this child in his mother's obituary, continue to see this child even as the child is almost six years old, etc.?

Which part of any of the above, if any, are you wondering how I would respond if "Larries got right?" What exactly is the part you'd say "k cool" about "because you love Louis and don't harass him because of ships?" What do ships and love of Louis have to do with any of this?

If I have a better idea of what I'd be responding to, I'd have a better idea how I'd respond to it, if it's anything other than "Louis comes out as gay or otherwise LGBTQ+ (which doesn't remotely imply any of the rest of this stuff)," which I addressed here.

[deadciv]

i’ll put this under a cut, last jedi spoilers below; this is basically just me working through the movie. unlike tfa which i left in silent emotional meltdown i feel like i have a solid hold on this movie even after one viewing so here we fuckin go

overall, as said before: not a tremendous disappointment, as i feared. it avoided some of the pitfalls i was most afraid of and it did some interesting things, while definitely having a few things i found entirely unconvincing, unnecessary, or downright bad

caveat: both some of the things i like and dislike here could be changed or muddled in a heartbeat depending on their choices in episode 9. things could be pulled in a lot of different directions

things i liked:

- the first scene of the movie. honestly, it was fucking electric; the action was heartpounding, i fell in love with (then mourned) paige in just a couple minutes, good development for poe. it started off the movie really well and it left a good taste in my mouth that helped me treat the rest of the movie more optimistically. also i did cry. in fact i cried several times but here first

- no reylo. the reylos can pretend all they like, but frankly, it’s just not real and to me that was obvious.

- imo, interesting development between kylo ren and rey. it had some moments i disliked which i’ll touch on later but overall i thought it was well done; the parallels to return of the jedi, then the realization that this is /not that/ and that these are different people and different times with different solutions and outcomes, was good

- in general, and people can disagree, i appreciate the more specific, granular, less archetypal character focus. clumsy at times, but still

- tying into, i am so glad snoke is dead. the false palpatine, the false emperor, the pretender. soon as i saw his ship arrive in person i knew he was dead, and soon as rey aimed towards his ship i /knew/ he was dead. i want a little more detail of how he got where he is, but honestly i wouldn’t mind if it came in a throwaway line or in the eu. it just hit, strongly, that this is a different story with a different ending that still mirrors the old; but distorted and new

- speaking of, scene with the royal guards (force sensitive somewhat, certainly) was neat

- hitting on this again but from a different angle, the clear separation (and yet hearkening back to; books in the falcon) between old and new was refreshing. i’m not surprised they didn’t go full ‘the jedi must truly end’ even though i kind of wanted it, but the very clear signal and clear choices made to show that things are going to be different from hereon out was necessary and good

- like yet again, it definitely parallels both esb and rotj, but the details of the plot struck different chords and the setting of the battlestar galactica type chase was i think a good one

- speaking of, though imo he came off too snarky one too many times, luke was convincing to me, and his arc made a lot of sense, all in all (talk about the ending of all that in a bit)

- moving back a bit, poe’s arc was. surprisingly good? interesting, made sense with what we knew about him, they didn’t just make Holdo wrong and stupid; he clearly learned, and it made perfect sense imo

- loved seeing the rich, capitalist, war profiteering assholes composing ‘the worst place in the galaxy in contrast to what we’ve seen before; loved seeing their shitty city get shat on

- maz’s scene was lit

- leia like. used the force? rad. weird way of shooting the scene but i’ll give it a pass

- acting good; more billie lourd good

- at least some steps towards background diversity

- i actually felt like kylo ren’s emotional arc made sense and i feel like he’s going to die in the next film. once again, new problems, new solutions, even if we are playing some of the same melodies. him as essentially the main bad guy in the next movie will be fascinating one way or another

things i /didn’t/ like:

- Finn’s story arc. he didn’t end up accomplishing anything; they didn’t hit his growth hard enough, didn’t interact with rey or poe enough, didn’t get enough emotional pay off. just generally there wasn’t enough and it pissed me off; he’s a centerpiece for these movies and he needs to remain one for them to really work. the whole ‘protect what you love not destroy what you hate’ is not bad but it needed to be hit way harder and invole poe and rey directly

- specific related quibble: why the fuck didn’t finn and rey get a single scene in which they fucking talked

- i loved rose and i don’t think it really implies that Finn like, likes her, but the kiss was vaguely annoying and unnecessary.

- the way luke ‘died’ and did that whole fight sequence was not terrible, but it didn’t quite do it. i feel like we need more out of him in ep 9 to finish that off for real

- speaking of? yoda never got enough character development to realize that like, moving on and making a new world and blowing up that tree was necessary. yoda is a hidebound, set-in-his-ways dude and i wasn‘t convinced by that; it was a cheap way to accelerate luke’s development and choices

- moving ever further back, rey’s whole flirting with the dark side thing either needed to genuinely not be hit much at all or be hit harder. it had potential but then just kinda got dropped. the throne room scene and the mirror scene were both undercut by not having delved into her psyche better and more deeply. i might change my view somewhat here on a second viewing but

- like thor: ragnarok, i felt like the use of humor to that extent undercut emotional weight and muddled the tone.

- wish it didn’t feel so much like different directors; the fact that the background cast--including temmin wexley, who is important in the new eu stuff--from tfa basically disappeared was a little jolting, esp after having watch tfa last night

- speaking of. porgs. hmmm.

- ice foxes? cute but a cheap way out for that last bit. finn should have used the force that he definitely should have to find the way out. or leia

- some weird cutting that felt kinda disjointed with the scene changes

- i have other quibbles, but two main, big things left that are separate from other stuff in significant ways

- one: a technical quibble. or more like a MASSIVE FUCKING HYPERSPACE SIZED HOLE IN AN ENTIRE FLEET HOLY SHIT YOU REALIZE THIS RUINS TACTICS THROUGHOUT ALL STAR WARS RIGHT. RIGHT. I GET THAT THAT’S WHAT HAPPENING BUT MAKING US SEE IT MEANS WE HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT AND THAT IS VERY, VERY BAD. like seriously. how many times could that fucking tactic have changed entire battles? wars? like??? please give me some dumb reason why that usually wouldn’t work i dearly need it for my sanity here. in fairness though? cool as shit. but like, not worth the grief it’s causing me and will continue to cause me through all future star wars properties

- lastly, and debatably most importantly. and i’ll start small and specific. that very last scene, the one with the little kid, is emblematic of the fundamental cowardice of disney, lucasfilm, rian, whomever. the opportunity to have our little force-wielding kid be literally anything but a white person (and a white boy)? so fucking there. begging to be brought to life. an alien? focus on the little black boy instead? anything else?? like, not only does it frustrate me from a sheer rep perspective--as in, it’s basically canon that only white humans can do anything meaningful with the force, which is shit--but it also fundamentally undercuts the themes of the film, cheapening the concept (still unproven, admittedly) of having rey be not a legacy kid to a fucking massive degree. it left a terrible taste in my mouth.

- and relatedly? the general lack of aliens in resistance roles? the sidelining of finn? combined with those themes? dumb. stupid. bad. cowardly. and the lack of any lbgt stuff of any kind? no real interaction between poe and finn for the most part? related, and bad.

stuff i’m ambivalent about (incomplete list)

rey random. i kind of like that it’s not a legacy, though i get why some disagree. still not convinced that’s like, real though. i think the theming of rey needing to accept that she’s here on her own power not on that of legacy, and of anyone having the potential to great ill or good regardless of their bloodline, has potential, but it heavily depends on what they do with it in episode 9. glad i never go invested in any of those theories tbh

overall. not bad, definitely flawed. i feel pretty confident about where i’m at with it except with the rey flirting the dark side arc; i need to see it again to determine whether i’ve missed something. anyway i’m sure no one will read this but at least it helps to put it down somewhere