#also i have to shave my legs because of sensory issues and it sucks so bad i hate the earth

[sludgeware]

inspired by real events

[kimabutch]

It’s wild how much of my butchness is tied up up with my sensory issues. 

Like, I love the way my hair looks short, it feels like me, but also long hair was a constant sensory nightmare. Some of my earliest memories involve crying at my hair being brushed or washed because I have a ridiculously sensitive scalp — I dreaded every single hairdressing appointment until I cut my hair short. Having any kind of hair in my face was distraction, but ponytails and buns pulled at my scalp. And sure, the feeling of electric clippers on my scalp also sucks, but I’d much rather have that at the barber’s every few weeks than the physical pain of brushing my hair every day. Also, newly-buzzed hair is a good sensory feeling. 

On the other hand, the feeling of leg stubble a couple days after shaving? Awful. Terrible. Especially for me, since my body hair grows out thicker and quicker than typical for my body type — I have dark, thick hair on my thighs that would require shaving every two days at least if I wanted to keep them hairless, and ditto for my tiny ‘stache or pits. Choosing not to shave has been freedom from the constant hell of growing-out body hair. 

And then there’s clothes! Again, I love “men’s” clothes for the way they look on me, but also for how they feel. I can’t stand anything that sticks close to my skin (nylons/tights were the bane of all every Sunday), and men’s clothes tend to be much less form-fitting than women’s. Women’s clothes also tend to drape and move/brush against the skin (ie the ends of dresses/skirts/scarves, off-the-shoulder shirts that don’t stay in one place), and that’s awful for me. And don’t get me started on heels, which are a goddamn shitshow of discomfort. Or makeup, which makes my skin crawl even at the thought. 

And even my dysphoria is so tangled up with my sensory issues that I often can’t tell one from the other. Do I hate the feeling of my chest moving freely because I hate feeling anything move against my skin, or because I don’t like having breasts? Do bras and binders feel bad because I don’t like things right against my skin, or because they’re a reminder of my chest? I don’t know! All I know is that since I was a teen, every single option of what to do with my chest has been thoroughly unpleasant, and every day is a negotiation for the least horrible choice. 

And what’s very interesting to me about all of this is that I know that other Very Sensitive people are completely the opposite — for some people, long head-hair and smooth skin are Good sensory feelings, while the more-structured elements of men’s clothes feel suffocating in the same way tight women’s clothes are for me. And some people might have a mix of this stuff! 

But I also don’t think it’s any coincidence that many butches I know deal with sensory overload and honestly even though my sensitivity issues are frustrating as hell sometimes, it’s super fascinating to me. 

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he��s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

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Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

———————————————-

Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

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Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[sagehaubitze]

#30DaysofAutismAcceptance , Day 11

“Talk about sensory issues. Do you also have sensory processing disorder? What kind of clothes do you wear? What foods do you eat? Are you sensitive to light or sounds? How do you deal with overstimulation?”

Dude, sensory issues SUCK and I find that they’re not actually talked about terribly much. I definitely have/had a lot of issues with clothing. I had more issues as a child than I do now, but I still can’t wear socks and have a lot of issues with underwear (I eventually got used to bras, and now binders. I still don’t enjoy them though. I’ve never been able to wear any underwear under clothing though, whether it was panties or boxers. Boxers are rad pajama bottoms though). Anyway, I’m sure people have seen stories where someone’s autistic child (or maybe themselves) only wore/tolerated one type of shirt/clothing item, like a specific item from a specific company. I was one of those kids. There were these t-shirt/shorts combos from Lands End that I wore for YEARS, until eventually they stopped producing them. Wore ‘em every day, year round (different colors, but the green/white stripe was my favorite).

These bad boys went out of production when I was half way through 5th grade and I had to learn how to put up with jeans for the first time ever. I hated it so much that I actually tried wearing dressed for a little while, but good lord that didn’t last long. I eventually learned to cope though, and now I dress like my (pictured) grandfather ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Surprisingly enough, as far as food goes, the only reason I was a picky eater when I was really young was because my tonsils were so large that I couldn’t swallow solid foods. Other than that, I’ve never had food related sensory issues. No big problems with light, either. Some sounds do get to me though. I couldn’t handle the sound of my ex’s sneezes for some reason. Overly loud, sharp noises like dogs barking in the same room as me really.. hurt. I just remove myself from the area though, no big deal. My rooster’s crowing also gets to me sometimes, but I just plop him in my lap and he shuts up pretty quickly.

I do have a sensory processing disorder, an auditory one specifically, when it comes to people’s voices. Sometimes when people talk, and especially if I’m not used to their voices already, I just hear it as a garbled mess. It’s sort of like when a video gets corrupted, those gifs of them just folding and blurring into themselves; think of that but with audio. I think that’s one reason the sound of people talking can be really grating and overstimulating for me; it takes too much processing power to try and understand voices I’m not used to.

How do I deal with overstimulation? Well, if I can’t remove myself from the situation, which my first choice, I try to drown out everything with extremely loud music. You know that vine that’s the dude in his car with “all about that bass” playing and he turns the treble all the way down, with the bass all the way up and it’s horrific? That’s pretty much me, ESPECIALLY if I’m in my car. The bass is stimmy, feels good man.

This is hella long so I’m gonna shut up, but god there’s even more sensory issues I could cover. Issues with people touching me, washing my hands all the time to the point where they bleed, trans related issues (when my leg hair gets too long I can’t handle it and have to shave, but I want that hair, but I hate it, but I want it), some real.. fun stuff.. with sensory issues.

[certaintraveler75]

I think I might have done this before at some point...but I'm gonna do it again ☺️

1) how feminine do you dress? I personally like looking feminine, but I also don't want to be restricted by my clothes. So most of the time I'm wearing cargo shorts and jackets - but I usually wear a top that's a lower cut then a guys would be (if that makes sense?) And a necklace. It works really well anyways because I have sensory issues and always end up pulling and getting irritated if the neckline is near my neck.

2) do you wear dresses/heels on formal occasions? I do wear dresses! Honestly I really enjoy picking out a dress for special occasions and putting together my outfit. I always make sure it's something that won't hinder me from running around with my cousins tho! So loose and flowy types. However I NEVER wear heels. They're uncomfortable, restrictive and unless you deform your muscles you won't be able to move comfortably in them. I have some smart (?) black high top converse that I usually wear for special occasions.

3) do you wear a bra? Most of the time, no. I usually don't wear one because I want my boobs to be able to support themselves, and that weight is supposed to go on my chest muscles, not my shoulders. However I have this loose, swimsuit material bra that I sometimes wear when I'm wearing a shirt that's low cut (so that I don't have to worry about flashing people when I move) or when I know I'll be near water that day (so I can go swimming if I want without worrying about men seeing my boobs)

4) do you wear makeup? No! I never wear makeup in my daily life. This is for a few reasons - first, I rub and touch my face A LOT. Any makeup I wear would be smudged within 10 minutes. And I am SO not going to make myself uncomfortable by forcing myself to not touch my face all the time. And secondly, I don't want to make myself uncomfortable with how I naturally look. I've never worn excessive makeup, but the one time I did wear eyeliner on the regular I started to think my eyes looks weird and ugly without it. I never want to think my natural state is ugly. However, I do still occasionally wear eyeliner for formal events like weddings and funerals etc.

5) how long is your hair? Uhhh..top of the boobs length? Below shoulder length and above the nipple 😂 I really like playing with my long hair and doing fun things with it. I can easily tie it back so it doesn't restrict me. Atm I'm just growing it out - the aim is to be able to have a long single plait haha.

6) do you shave your body hair? Nope! I shave nowhere. Pits? Hairy ;) pubes? Hairy and healthy babey. Legs? Fuzzy and lovely! Arms? My forearms look like I'm morphing into an animal and I am LOVING IT it's literally so cool. Stomach? The happy trail is adorable 🥰🥰🥰

Sometimes it's a bit of a challenge because 99% of the clothes I wear are best style and provide no "coverage" to my pits. I do get self conscious about it quite often and have to psych myself up being all like "no!! It's good! You like it this way, it sucks and prickles when you shave, it looks super cute, stop worrying about other people judging you!" Ya know?

I have a few questions for radfems if you don't mind :)

How feminine do you dress?

Do you wear dresses/heels on formal occasions?

Do you wear a bra?

Do you wear makeup?

How long is your hair?

Do you shave your body hair?

I'm just curious and I'd love to hear from you all <3