#also i forgot how MUCH i love alyosha like

[girlmetamorphed]

a lot of shit has happened to me in these past couple of months so i couldn’t finish my reading of TBK.

well… this week life has finally resumed for me, which meant i can continue reading and all i have to say is that ivan not only needed to be at the club, but he also needed a big hug and a kiss on the cheek while being whispered “everything will be okay” in his ear like omfg i’m gonna puke why is this happening to him…

[viiinz]

omg okay, idk how much info you want on these characters, but let's go

Dmitri: "i'm sure he hates his father almost as much as he's just like him" HOLY SHIT I think you just hit on the guy's biggest fear and the source of all his anger and self loathing. (personally I think he's a better person than his father, if only for the fact that Dmitri truly wants to be a better and honourable person and beats himself up over his constantly failing to do so, whereas his father takes pleasure in acting upon his worst qualities). what you said about eldest siblings is very interesting! tho it should be noted that fydor (the dad) didn't raise any of his children, so he has always been an absent parent. Dmitri also didn't grow up with his siblings, so I don't think he has that same sense of responsibility that you might find in a lot of eldest siblings. he does have massive abandonment issues tho.

"his problem is that he cannot kill him in any way that matters." OOOH TRUE

btw he's also the most babygirl character I've ever read about, he has the most insane moodswings (like he's partying one second and contemplating suicide the next), scares the shit out of everyone by acting super unhinged, he tells the entire town that he wants to kill his dad and then his dad actually dies and he's like 😮 when the police arrest him as the main suspect

Ivan: I'm nodding along at everything you said about Ivan! I'm afraid I don't know you well enough to say whether you have anything in common with Ivan or not, maybe his more argumentative side? he really goes all in when it comes to explain his views. other than that he's very rational, too rational actually. he tries very hard to find a rational meaning for suffering and rejects the entire order of the universe when he doesn't find one. he's also very individualistic, growing up he always had a feeling that he had to do everything on his own. which is probably a result of his childhood and that carries on into his adulthood. his very religious mother was said to have gone insane from the abuse of their dad and she died when he was 6. that must have been very traumatic (especially fucked up is the fact that Fyodor didn't even remember that Ivan was the child of his second wife, like he just forgot). this might have resulted in both his extreem independence and his aversion towards religion. tho religion forms the core of his entire way of thinking, he rejects god but in doing so cannot stop thinking about it. he's cold and detached, but it's clear from his worldview that he cares a lot about right and wrong and justice, in a broad sense. he loves humanity, but doesn't show it. "he needs a little of absurdism in his life to balance that sad nihilism" you're so right, that sad nihilism is exactly what is slowly eating away at him. also your tags ahzhsh, yeah. also Katya (Dmitri's ex-fiancée) is very proud and has the most insane saviour-complex and Ivan has *gestures vaguely at him* all that going on. I think they'd make a fascinating couple to study under a microscope tbh

Alexei (usually referred to as Alyosha): you're spot on with Alyosha!! to me he really is a character I relate to deeply, but I cannot pinpoint why. here are some fun facts about him: pretty much everyone in the book loves him, tho he's often described as odd. like his mom he's prone to "fits of hysteria", he laughs at inappropriate times, he blushes A LOT, he sometimes has a very off-putting smile at times when he really shouldn't be smiling, he's reserved but everyone immediately trusts him, he's kind, compassionate and nonjudgmental, but he's also far from perfect. a lot of people kinda brush him off as an all-round good perfect boy, and while yes!! he is a very sweet guy!! I feel like limiting him to just that, is kind of doing his character a disservice. to me he really just reads as a guy trying to do his best despite everything. he wants to help everyone, but because of the sheer impossibility of that task, he often fails at this as well. he takes on the suffering of so many of the characters in this novel, but one person can only carry so much. and while he's definitely the most mentally stable brother (the bar is very low), he always kinda feels like a dam about to burst. he did have a moment in which he (understandably) kinda snapped, in which he suddenly became rude, uncaring and apathetic and holy shit, like this wouldn't feel like that big of a deal from any other character, but because it's in such direct opposite to how he usually is, it was honestly chilling to read. there are also some throw away lines and things he says sometimes that suggest that there is more to him than meets the eye and that he has a lot of darker thoughts he doesn't talk about. he's just like the embodiment of "aw a little guy" "oh he's a little fucked up actually"

Smerdyakov: one of my favourite character to rotate in my head! he's so interesting!!! "i'm sure he hates them all and he has all good reasons." EXACTLY!! he's so full of hatred and honestly very understandably so! the only one he cares about is Ivan, but Ivan doesn't care about him 😭 he is the most isolated character from all of these, even the narrator dislikes him. "Bro needs to leave that place." yes!! he actually wanted to move to France, he was even learning French in his spare time. poor little meow meow indeed, the author makes it very difficult to sympathise with him, but I can't help it

avzhdzje now I'm curious what are your thoughts on the brothers karamazov based on your quick googling about the characters? I can definitely see a bit of Ivan in you, tho perhaps only some parts, he's definitely an interesting guy and has some of the best parts in the book

hello V! This post will be full of innacuracies and probably hot takes so beware akjsdkasjd <3 Dimitri: The eldest and as such i'm sure he hates his father almost as much as he's just like him. This is my personal view but i think the eldest sibling is never allowed to kill the parent, by the way. Eldest children most of the time are very aware of the consecuences of the absence of the parents because once the parent is gone, they are the ones to bear the burden. Anyway, I think he wants to be free of his dad, but his problem is not that he hates the man, his problem is that he cannot kill him in any way that matters. Ivan: Ivan sounds like a brand of men i find particularly funny (maybe because i am a little like that to my shame). The "i have to show everyone that i am the smartest person in the room at all times" type of guy but that despite their obvious struggle with self worth, they are still graciously based. I think the fact that he wants to marry his brother's fiancee has him particularly bitter, he needs a little of absurdism in his life to balance that sad nihilism. It's sad he was a XIX century russian, he would have been a God of fried based memes in XXI. Alexei: Of course he's a good boy. He's the second son who doesn't carries the horrors of being the eldest, he's also the youngest, which makes him more emotional and compassionate, willing to find happiness on his own and to oppose that he views as wrong.

Bonus: Smerdyakov: i'm sure he hates them all and he has all good reasons. Bro needs to leave that place. Come to America bro, make your own gang in the rising cities. My poor little meow meow. Now, Vince it's your turn to give me your based opinion on them and explain what our test result mean.

[karamazovdmitri]

still a bit early to get all personal i feel, but ive been thinking so much about the depiction of kindness in the brothers karamazov and its like... truly a thing that makes this book so important to me. even with previous dostoevsky books, you see him depict characters that are like, jesus and sainthood level of Good, that feel like theyve never thought a mean thing in their entire life, and while i love to see that type of character, it feels more like something to admire than something to get inspired from you know?

but TBK on the other hand gives such an incredible view (to me at least) of kindness not as an inherent trait, but as discipline, practiced and sought, and how it manifests differently for everyone. like of course, the most notable example is alyosha, who i think is the closest to what we'd imagine kindness as. cue that passage about him being the only man in the world you could drop in a random city alone & without money who wouldnt starve or die in the cold... so like YEAH. alyosha is your typical, very high emotional intelligence, puts you immediately at ease, typical idea of kindness we have

but then !! then im thinking about the other two brothers who in my humble opinion are also definitely striving to achieve some form of kindness in their way, or at the very least break the cycle. ive already written before about how seeing ivan as an edgelord is completely missing his character. he is definitely actively working trying to make Something of the world and humans and morals which to me is also so Realistic and relatable in a way, especially when he talks about the whole being young aspect of it. that experience of being in your early 20s and just... looking for answers, wanting to believe in the world but having seen too much of its dark side to truly give into your wishes...... SO SO real.

as for mitya i could (and would) write an entire essay bc i feel like for him it's truly the quest of Self and identity and the kind of person you want to be, yet not committed to it because there IS that question of can you even break the cycle in the first place? is it doable, is it worth it? and despite the fact that he'll act like he surrendered, he also reveals a lot of still clinging on to the idea of Doing Better. and to me, i feel like this translates a lot with him clinging on this idea of kindness and what a good person is like, to almost obsessive levels at times, and all mingled with a search for affection and once again, on god if that doesnt feel a bit too close to home........ anyway i forgot where i was going with all this in the first place but i just think that the brothers karamazov... whew.

[deanothecheynosaur]

The Bear and the Nightingale (2017)

Yay first one! (Whether you read the long synopsis or not, the ranking is at the bottom)

Funny story before I get into it: so my boyfriend's brother bought me this book in paperback for Christmas. I had not started reading it yet, but I was checking my Kindle to see how many books I read in 2019 and saw that I had purchased this a while back, never got around to reading it, and forgot I had it. So I'm taking back the paperback as soon as his blizzard is over (which oddly fits the book) and bought the second and third on Kindle. I have another gift card, but I need all three books to be in the same format.

Short synopsis:

Vasya is a young girl in a small village northern Rus' who can see things others can't. Everyone thinks she's a witch. The frost demon Morozko watches and protects her to keep himself strong enough to contain the Bear. An epic story about the clash between the old religions & the domineering Christianity & about the sexism of the time.

Long synopsis:

Moving on. Our story opens in Northern Rus' in the remote village of Lesnaya Zemlya bordering a large forest with the family of Pyotr Vladimirovich, his wife Marina Ivanovna, and their children Kolya (Nikolai Petrovich), Sasha (Aleksandr Petrovich), Olya (Olga Petrovna), Alyosha (Aleksei Petrovich), a bun in the oven, and their nurse, Dunya (Darya Nikolaevna). There's some important backstory though. Marina is the daughter of Ivan I Grand Prince in Moscow and his third wife, a mysterious woman who wandered out of the woods with no family, no history, and many suspected she was a witch. Marina knew it would be her last child and it would be a girl like her mother. This is set during the late 13th century, after Genghis Kahn died while the Tatars were still dominating the area. But Marina was right. She died in childbirth delivering Vasya (Vasilisa Petrovna). Throughout the book, there are hints that everyone but Sasha blames Vasya a little for Marina dying.

Vasya grows up naughty and ugly, with huge green eyes, black hair with a hint of red, a mouth too big for her face, long limbs, and too skinny. Olya calls her "little frog." Vasya does whatever she wants: Dunya is old, Pyotr is a busy man between being the Lord of the area and a farmer, and she has no stepmother. One evening, Vasya gets lost in the forest and sees a one-eyed man sitting against a gnarled black oak tree she had never seen before. He was uber creepy. But then another man shows up on his horse, refers to the one-eyed man as Medved, and tries to talk to Vasya. She gets scared and runs, but neither man pursues her. After she gets home (still freaking out), Pyotr decides it's time to remarry before Vasya gets unmanageable. He takes Kolya and Sasha with him to Moscow to find himself a wife and Olya a husband. It's mentioned several times throughout how a character cleans the ice out of their horse's hooves or mane, which I think is a great addition because it really solidifies the time period by how important horses were to everybody. Once they are settled in Moscow, Sasha spends time with other devout Christians (he prays a lot) and discovers that there is a renowned holy man (Sergei Radoneshsky) at a monastery three days north of Moscow. Pyotr lets him go alone to meet the man. Once Sasha gets there, he decides he wants to be a monk at this monastery and goes back to Moscow to ask his father. Pyotr agrees on two conditions: 1. Sasha cannot join the order or speak to Father Sergei until after the next harvest; 2. Sasha will be disinherited. Which honestly I think is fair.

A minor character that sets a lot of major things in motion is the Metropolitan of Moscow, Aleksei. Took me a minute to figure out that that means he's a bishop. Anyway, basically his job is really to deal with problems that might hurt the future of the current family ruling. Initially, he lines up marriages: Olya to a lesser prince that could have a claim to the throne of he married higher, and Pyotr to the Grand Prince's mad daughter, Anna Ivanovna. She saw demons everywhere except the church, so she wanted to be a nun. Of the two arranged marriages, the latter was less necessary in the initial context but crucial to rest of the plot. On their way back home, they run into a strange man, slight in stature but moves too quickly to see with pale skin, curly black hair, and icy blue eyes. He admires Pyotr's horse and Kolya is a dick to him about it, so the man has a knife to his throat. To save Kolya, Pyotr must give a necklace with a bright sapphire stone in it to Vasya to keep with her always. Kolya forgets the encounter altogether and wonders about the white scars on his neck... Pyotr is nervous about he necklace, so he gives it to Dunya. Dunya doesn't want to spoil her, so she decides to keep it for a while. Then she starts having one of several dreams in which she is confronted about keeping what is not hers.

After Sasha and Olya leave to be a monk and marry, respectively, Vasya spends less time with people. We soon learn that she can see creatures, the spirits from the old fairy tales Dunya told. Except they're real. Vasya is not crazy, and neither is Anna, but Anna is too Christian to be cool about it. Plus, Anna is a mean stepmother, strongly preferring her own daughter, Irina Petrovna. Vasya soon befriends the domovoi who lives in the oven and protects the house. Vasya doesn't realize her family can't see these creatures, so she talks to the vazila, the spirit of the horses who guards the stables. He says that she and Anna are the only people who can see them. Vasya thinks the stables are safer, so she visits the vazila often. He teaches her to speak to horses and understand them.

Then our friend Aleksei the Metropolitan does his last bit of manipulation. There is a priest in Moscow who is very good looking and gifted at painting icons. Aleksei is concerned that this will cause too many disruptions, so when the priest up in Lesnaya Zemlya dies, he sends the pretty priest, Father Konstantin Nikonovich, up there to take his place. I've never hated a fictional character so much in my life. Vasya is talking to the rusalka, a river demon who lives off of consuming the fears and desires of various animals and humans, killing them in the process. She goes for men a lot. Vasya unfortunately stops her from killing Father Konstantin. He immediately dislikes Vasya, thinking her too bold and not pious enough. Anna is obsessed with Konstantin because priests are her favorite and this is a hot one.

As time goes on, Vasya gets less and less like a lady should be, which infuriates Konstantin, but he's also having impure thoughts about her, which infuriates him in other ways. Anna and Konstantin try to convince everyone that if they continue to leave offerings for the old spirits, they will go to Hell. But shortly after, the village faces all the hardships. Freezing cold. Food shortage. People dying from the temperature. Wolves eating livestock. And then the crops flood. What survives the flood in the spring burns in the summer. Konstantin tells everyone that God is testing their faith, meanwhile Vasya is trying to sneak offerings and keep people alive. She also learns how to ride horses. Pyotr betrothes her to a Lord/horse breeder from a few towns over, Kyril Artamonovich. He's an oblivious ass. When he finds out she can ride, he calls off the wedding and leaves. Konstantin convinces Anna that Vasya somehow will get Irina killed, so when Pyotr leaves town, Anna tries to get rid of Vasya, either by death or by hog-tying her and taking her to a convent. Anna tells Vasya that she can stay if she finds snowdrops (the flower) in the forest (it's midwinter). Vasya takes off to find some, deciding worst case scenario, she would rather die in the forest than in a convent. She ends up at the gnarled black oak from her childhood, and the one-eyed man is still there. He tries to grab her, but the same man on horseback swoops in and saves her. He takes her back to his "house" to rest. She shortly finds out that he is Morozko, the god of winter and death. The one-eyed man is his brother, Medved, the Bear, the god of fear and suffering. Morozko has had him bound for a few hundred years, but with the offerings decreasing, Medved's strength is increasing. Morozko is known to be a trickster and a lavish gift-giver. Among other things, he gives Vasya a horse called Solovey (Russian for Nightingale), a young bay colored stallion who is not quite as mortal as your average horse. He also gives Vasya some snowdrops so that she may go home, but when she arrives, things are not how she left them. This is where we hit the climax, and I'm not giving away the ending. 😉

I'm very into folklore and old religions, I love forests, and Russian history is so long and colorful that it's been a fascination of mine for a while. Plus, ice stories interest me, maybe because my birthday is frequently cold and icy. So this was a great book for me to read. It's also clear how well-researched it is, as well as spelling things so that an English speaker would still be saying it with the Russian pronunciation.

On a scale of 1-5, I give it a 4.5. It would be higher but so many characters were unlikeable.

[yvesdot]

Happy Storyteller Saturday(Sunday)! — Do any of your OCs have voice claims? If not, in words, what's the best way you can describe their voices? Do they have any unusual quirks or vocal mannerisms? Do they have an accent?

Voice claims... Is this the hot new thing? I don’t know if I have very many! I will do my best. I think I try not to get attached to voice/face claims because ultimately if there’s ever an adaptation (!) then I don’t have too much control over human physical variance, and also it is hard to find diverse face claims. I try not to dream, basically. 

Forest Castles

Eliza | I guess when I imagine someone as the default, I don’t give them a voice. Hm... Kind of like my voice, but then, who do I talk like? I guess this becomes a question for @goose-books​, then. I couldn’t think of a star fast enough... Someone who has a lower range for a gal, lots of vocal fry, lots of cursing...

Red | I have been considering this as of late. Originally I imagined him without any accent at all (which is impossible, I know) but that’s not really how learning a language at ten years old works. Israeli accents are also incredibly varied; Gal Gadot’s (don’t know how I feel about that video title...) is notably very slight. I cannot think of a famous guy with an Israeli accent; I’m sorry! I do think he has a lower voice, though.

Avner | Oh my God for five minutes Keiynan Lonsdale was the faceclaim of choice. This was before Love, Simon, actually, but then Love, Simon came out and I got even more intense vibrations. I guess something like that, but quieter. At risk of promoting Keiynan’s American accent over his natural (Australian) accent... And I’ve since changed my idea of what Avner looks like. But Keiynan’s voice is wonderful.

Ahava | I don’t know. Are there mean little twelve year old famous people out there? For some reason it’s easier for me to imagine her as Rin or Teto, even though they’re obviously both robots. I couldn’t even think of how to provide samples of their voices?! So here’s Rin with Daughter of Evil (which is a very Ahava song), and Teto with Lost One’s Weeping (which is just a good song and a great excuse to yelp loudly.) Maybe what I’m saying is like an adult imitating a child? That sounds great, actually.

Sometimes it Happens

Elle | Oh I’ve really never thought about this. This is fun! A lower, softer voice. I think a lot of guys I’m looking at just speak very forcefully, and Elle does not. At this point I had put this ask on hold for a month and I just wanted to be normal about it, so for the rest of this answer you get vibes only.

Ephraim | We all know that beloved trans-man-who-isn’t-on-T voice. Speaking from deep in the throat, vocal fry, all of it. He’s not very loud but he has the force in his voice that Elle tends not to.

Bren | Honestly? Maybe like Jared Grace from The Spiderwick Chronicles. Jared is a little more consistently emotional and annoyed than Bren, though. Probably more like Simon! Conveniently played by the same very talented actor. Yeah I’m sorry I couldn’t find the clips I wanted (which would have been Jared’s argument with Mallory moving in and/or the sequence where they break open the wall.) Oh my God I really forgot how campy this film is. Oh God the CGI. 

Lilith | Do you guys all keep track of actors in your heads?! I couldn’t even think of a child actress... anyway, soft and high-pitched. I think she probably exaggerates it to sound cute.

(Michael and Alyosha get a pass because they are so replaceable. Love you guys.)

THE ONE AND ONLY KAY RAINIER

Atlas | I was thinking as a singing voice P!nk or Adam Lambert. One of the first coherent Atlas thoughts I had. But as a speaking voice, very much the “I am a sexy butch” low voice with vocal fry. I am just... filled with characters who modulate their voices, aren’t I.

Kay | Sounds very smooth. No vocal fry, light, a little breathy. She has a naturally low voice but speaks high in her chest range so it balances out. 

Constantine | I feel like I always imagine him having the voice of someone ten years younger regardless of his age. Oh well this gets ridiculous at some point but he does sound fairly youthful if strong and serious. 

Narrator | I like to think I sound very sexy with cute undertones. Thank you for asking.

Thank you for sending this one in, Daniel! It was really genuinely interesting. I apologize for not having too many names for you; if people want to send me voice claim suggestions I’ll let you know how I feel about them ^__^

[luckydicekirby]

Hello yes I would like a dvd commentary on a history of partings thanks

Well first of all obviously this story was mainly written to cause you specifically pain, so jot THAT down. Mostly I really wanted like, a good long Alyosha/Arrell backstory and like…no one else was gonna write it…not even Austin…so alas this burden fell to me. I have toyed with the idea of writing Arrell’s version of this but god, it would be so depressing. 

Anyway! Here’s the mind meld scene, you’re welcome.

Story here!

Later–a few hours or days, I was not sure–I awoke, feverish, to see you bent over me, your hands clasped tight around one of mine. I thought for a moment that you were casting a spell, but I quickly realized that in fact you were murmuring the words of a prayer, so quiet I could barely make them out.

Arrell PRAYING as the obvious Oh Geez Things Are Bad marker, of course.

I still don’t know whether that moment was a dream, a conjured fantasy of mine: the idea that I could be the only thing you would dare to have faith for. But, figment or not, your prayer worked, and the next time I awoke my mind was clear once again. You weren’t there. I spared a moment to be upset before I heard you speak, clear as if you were standing in front of me: I went out to get food. I’ll be back soon, Alyosha. And underneath your words I could hear a heartbeat, running much quicker than my own. My mouth tasted acrid. I stood up shakily to drink some water, but the bitterness on my tongue remained. I realized, as my breathing began to pick up, that it was your fear.

This was a scene I really wanted to get into this fic because I do really love the idea that Arrell is just….Deeply Afraid, all the time. And like it does not excuse what an unforgivable jerk he is! But it does make me really sad. My capacity to be sad about jerks truly is boundless. 

You had used this spell on me once or twice before, although never for long. Once so that I could run an errand for you, to choose the right book from a large stock that a merchant carried. Another time so that I could give you directions to a particular bakery I wanted you to buy my favorite rolls from. A third time on a rare occasion when we travelled together, to ensure that neither of us became lost. Simple and frivolous things like that. But it did not work the way that it should. You had explained it to me: this spell was meant for simple communication between minds. And any other time you used it, that was how it worked. But between us, our thoughts bled together like cheap ink on paper, and nothing you did could stop it.

Dungeon World: Yeah so telepathy is just like, a normal telepathy spell that works to send messages, nothing weird here!

Me: Okay but what if it was a fucked up involuntary mind meld thing in this specific instance? You know just for fun?

Anyway, I think them using telepathy so Alyosha could give him directions to a bakery is really cute. Nothing is more romantic than bread! Just ask Hella.

The mystery and intimacy of it bothered you and delighted me. But you never agreed to test it further, to discover precisely why this spell worked differently when you used it on me, rather than anyone else.

Arrell obviously being like. Can’t let my boyfriend read my mind he might find out about the oncoming heat death of the universe, and actually try to help me with that! God I hate him. 

I let the subject drop. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and clearly to share your thoughts so closely with me did. I tried not to blame you for that. It was a normal thing, to dislike such claustrophobic intimacy, even with me.

And I knew why it was different. I could feel it, in the press of your heart against mine.

Aside from it being this way for Narrative Purposes, I do think being in love making your telepathy spell too intimate by default IS romantic.

But you hated that closeness, and I could not blame you for it–you, who believed so fervently in the separateness of humanity from one another. I have never agreed with you in that, but I could only respect the belief you held so tightly.

WE’RE MOSAICS MISSING EMBELLISHMENTS, ARRELL!! BITCH!!

I sat back down on my bed and closed my eyes, and I thought about what you had done. You had not wanted me to wake up alone, and so you opened a connection between us, something you hated desperately.

I let that knowledge settle into my gut over your anxiety, and I waited for you to return, content that for just a small moment, we were closer to one person than two.

Oh yeah I forgot I put the Plato soulmates story earlier in this fic…Alyosha is really into the idea of two people being so connected they’re one person, which sure means he should’ve picked a different boyfriend. Or maybe he is that way because he has such a standoffish on again-off- again boyfriend! fun to contemplate.

You returned with two covered dishes, and set them down with a clatter on the table before you came to me. You fell to your knees before me, hands on my thighs, your head bowed. You said my name, ragged.

“I’m all right. I promise you I’m all right.” I ran my hand through the short bristly hair at the back of your neck. I could see your back shaking. I could feel inside my head the sobs you were not letting escape. “Tutor, please, look at me.”

You did. I’d never seen you look so scared, not in the years and years we had known each other. And I could feel it, too. Fear for my well-being, fear that you would be left alone, fear that soon enough we would all be gone–

“Tutor,” I said, fear clawing at my throat, tears stinging at my eyes. I bent over you, pressed my lips to the crown of your head, my loose hair falling around us, sealing us off from the rest of the world. If I could just protect you from the dark–

The tail end of these paragraphs being Arrell’s thoughts bleeding into Alyosha’s, and getting really close to letting Alyosha know about the H&D. I do really love coming up with situations where characters thoughts can bleed together–this happens in the aly/arr/hadrian fic too (thanks, dungeon world spell Cage, which does explicitly allow mind-reading) and the vanven fic. I just think it’s neat!

I felt you raise your hand and wave it in the air, a dismissive gesture, ending the spell. All at once the fear ebbed, a tide returning to sea, and I could breathe again. I gasped and sat back.

And of course the moment Alyosha starts to get a sense of what exactly Arrell is scared of, Arrell is like oh shit, let’s NOT do that. I mean also because he was low-key giving Alyosha a panic attack.

“What–Tutor, I don’t understand–”

Your hands gripped my knees tightly, hard enough that I could feel your nails biting into my skin. “I thought that I would come back and find you gone. That something I had done would be wrong, or something I didn’t do–”

“It was just a fever. I didn’t meant to scare you.” I wiped the tears from my eyes. “Do you always feel like that?”

“It’s nothing,” you said. Head bowed once again. Hiding your eyes.

Yes, he always feels like that. ugh Arrell SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

I couldn’t bear to force you to speak, though maybe then would have been the only time I could–you were already so cracked open before me. But I wanted to see you smile again. I wanted to take the fear from your eyes. I wanted to convince you I was alive. And this was the problem I could see, so I pulled you up by your forearms and folded you into my arms, my mouth pressed against your ear. “I’m here,” I said, over and over, and you clung to me, your tears hot against my neck.

Alyosha is such a good boyfriend and Arrell does NOT deserve him. Anyway, for Arrell to actually be crying you KNOW he must’ve been really fucked up. One supposes that dealing with the impending death of the universe is fine, but when you add ‘my boyfriend is really sick’ into the mix then it just becomes unmanageable. 

Eventually you stood and dusted yourself off. The food you brought had gone cold, but we ate it together on the bed. Your eyes followed me as if magnetized, as if you couldn’t let me out of your sight. In time you returned to your duties, and I to mine, but for that long day we were simply together, not speaking much, basking in the surety of one another’s presence. I thought whatever darkness you so feared, we could act as one another’s lights. I thought we could stand against it, together. The sort of solutions children think of, that I have yet to grow out of. What creeping monster under a bed cannot be defeated by a light?

This is a sideway reference to one of the letters, where Alyosha talks about the prelate: “the sort of questions children ask.”

I talk about Alyosha/his beliefs in terms of light a lot, both in this fic and others–I mean obviously it’s a good set up in opposition to the Heat and the Dark, and a Samothes thing, but also I think because it reflects like, a kind of simplicity of faith that he has. How do you defeat great evil? Well, with light. Alyosha loves Kingdom Hearts, is what I’m saying. Or he did before he got stuck in the forge!!

I think, even now, that there are still embers within you, Tutor, waiting to be stoked. I remember the way you held onto me so tightly, the naked fear in your eyes. You care so much. You always have, reluctant as you are to show it. I know you want to save us. To save me. But I wish you would give some thought to what will be left of yourself. You, too, deserve saving. Yes, Tutor; even now.

Ugh this shit is sad. Like I know I wrote it but it’s sad? I think I find Arrell so tragic because I truly do think he cares, for the world and for Alyosha. He’s just really bad at it.

anyway, the only other important part of this fic is the time Arrell falls off a horse, which he deserves.

[shions-heart]

too lazy to read past like.. number four.. but i wanna know about your oc's!! do you have a lot? only a few? do they all exist in the same world? favorites? basic bios?? i love oc's!!!

thanks love

um, I have a lot, yeah. I’ve been writing original stories almost as long as I’ve been writing fan fiction. There’s, um, Carthonia, which is about a group of new settlers sent off a dying Earth in order to repopulate and colonize a planet they’ve named New Earth, but when they get caught in the debris of an exploding star, they’re thrown off course and land on a different planet, Carthonia, where they discover a lot of shady stuff is going on. The main character, Rose, is the one who discovers the horrible secret the Carthonian government is hiding, and she tries to rectify it.

The main characters in that are Rose, her medic brother Jasper, a nameless Carthonian boy, and the military faction’s second-in-command Jack. Looking back, though, I might make Jack a female character, so Rose isn’t the only one.

Carthonia was my first NaNoWriMo attempt, and though I did complete over 50k in the month, I never finished it.

putting the rest under read more cuz this is gonna be a lot, sorry

then there’s the Afaennon Trilogy. The first book, The Blind Traveler, was the NaNo book I completed and self-published, sold about 50 copies. I started the second book but didn’t get very far into it. I want to go back and revamp it all because I really thought the story was good, but we’ll see.

The main characters in that were Anna, a princess whose family was killed and her kingdom taken over by an evil king; Luka, the blind Traveler who is also one of the Chosen Ones, the special few who still have magic; his sister Alyosha, who’s badass; and Misha, another Traveler who they meet on their journey to try and convince the other Chosen Ones under the evil king’s command to defect and join them in taking him down. (There’s also Sasha, Luka and Aly’s brother, and Alexei, from a fellow Traveler family, and Onion, Anna’s pet toad.)

There’s actually a LOT of characters in that one, but those are the main, main ones. I guess the main characters are Anna and Luka, if we’re going to be precise.

another, more recent one, is Haven, which is about the orphans of registered superheroes. Well, one orphan in particular. Rebekah Rodriguez aka Reb. Her parents and younger brother were killed by her evil uncle, and she doesn’t believe she has any abilities. Like in Sky High? But it’s really just that her PTSD suppressed them because she was the only survivor. She finds out that her brother is still alive but in the clutches of her uncle, so she formulates a rescue plan with her best friend Simon Nakamura aka Sy. He’s an empath and has the power of invisibility. He’s also dealing wth PTSD because he blames himself for his parents’ death. (Yes, this is the Sy I got my name from.)

There were other characters in my original plot-line, but I’ve since condensed it so the only other characters of note are Ryker, a cat burglar who has the abilities of an actual cat (like cat woman except male), can even turn into a cat, who Reb enlists his help in sneaking into her uncle’s headquarters, and Nadia, who can manipulate water, whose father works for Reb’s uncle but ends up helping them after they’re caught and locked up.

after that story (which I finished but then rewrote and now I need to rewrite again), came Mnemosyne, which I haven’t finished and need to revamp/rewrite too …

but in Mnemosyne it’s about four friends, once of which dies at the beginning, and the rest of the story is basically a flashback of the months leading up to the death. I’m thinking of rewriting it tho and making the death happen at the beginning and the rest of the story being these four friends attempting to cope with the death of their best friend and trying to move on, that way it ends on a more hopeful note, rather than a tragedy.

but the four main characters are Faith, a high-spirited, optimistic girl who’s bi and lives with her single mother and is basically the sunshine child of the group; Caleb, a half-Sioux, half-Irish gay foster kid who ran away from his abusive home and is now homeless but has known Faith since he first showed up in the town when he was 13 and she was kind to him so they’re best friends now, so close they’re practically siblings; Rae, a trans female who has non-accepting parents and a confused but loving little brother; she’s the newest member of the four who is still a little shy and self-conscious but since the others love her for who she is, she’s a lot more open and outgoing around them; and Jason, who’s black and whose father is filthy rich and owns half the town, who’s engaged to a woman named Paola, an arranged thing by his parents, who won’t accept the fact that their son is gay and in love with Caleb. He also has a sister named Juno, who’s very supportive and keeps trying to get Jason to stand up to their parents, but he’s very much a diplomat (tho Caleb just calls him a coward). Jason and Faith go way back to when they were little kids, so they were already best friends when Caleb showed up on the scene.

In the original story, it ended with Jason dying before he and Caleb got to say they loved each other, but tbh there are already too many sad gay stories. I’m not sure yet how I’m going to fix things, if I’m going to have Jason die at the beginning and have the story be Faith, Caleb, and Rae trying to pick themselves up and move on, or have Faith be the one to die at the beginning, and they have to try and move on without their sunshine, or have an as-of-yet-unnamed 5th friend be the one who dies, and it’s about the four of them struggling to pick themselves up and move on, helping each other, falling in love, making new friends that support them through it all, etc. 

so yeah, not sure yet how I’m gonna revamp that, but yeah.

EDIT: shit, I forgot about Alex and Jake. Yeah, there’s The Adventures of Alex and Jake, which I kinda want to make into a graphic novel. I think it’d be cool as a graphic novel . . . but yeah that’s about Alex, a genderfluid dmab vampire who’s isolated and cynical and protests that he’s lonely (and SUPER extra, takes the vampire thing much too literally), and Jake, a happy-go-lucky (at least on the outside), outgoing, optimistic, friendly, etc. werewolf. Alex takes in Jake after finding him wounded in the woods, and then gets caught up in the danger that follows him because a back of evil werewolves want him, and a group of Hunters, want to kill them both.

There’s also Abigail, Alex’s younger sister, who is the brains of the operation, who takes care of Alex and tries to convince him that he loves Jake, even though he continues to protest his growing feelings for the kid . . .

SO! yeah, I have plenty of stories with OCs that haven’t been written yet, but I figured I should just stick with the stories I already have that I’m gonna try to rewrite into something that’s actually publishable. I still really like all these ideas, but I haven’t worked on any of them in forever (I wrote Mnemosyne in May 2015, before I fell into anime hell).

As to my favorites … mmm I think Rose, the unnamed Carthonian boy, Luka, Sy, Jake, and Caleb are my favorites.

[readbookywooks]

At Grushenka's

ALYOSHA went towards the cathedral square to the widow Morozov's house to see Grushenka, who had sent Fenya to him early in the morning with an urgent message begging him to come. Questioning Fenya, Alyosha learned that her mistress had been particularly distressed since the previous day. During the two months that had passed since Mitya's arrest, Alyosha had called frequently at the widow Morozov's house, both from his own inclination and to take messages for Mitya. Three days after Mitya's arrest, Grushenka was taken very ill and was ill for nearly five weeks. For one whole week she was unconscious. She was very much changed - thinner and a little sallow, though she had for the past fortnight been well enough to go out. But to Alyosha her face was even more attractive than before, and he liked to meet her eyes when he went in to her. A look of firmness and intelligent purpose had developed in her face. There were signs of a spiritual transformation in her, and a steadfast, fine and humble determination that nothing could shake could be discerned in her. There was a small vertical line between her brows which gave her charming face a look of concentrated thought, almost austere at the first glance. There was scarcely a trace of her former frivolity. It seemed strange to Alyosha, too, that in spite of the calamity that had overtaken the poor girl, betrothed to a man who had been arrested for a terrible crime, almost at the instant of their betrothal, in spite of her illness and the almost inevitable sentence hanging over Mitya, Grushenka had not yet lost her youthful cheerfulness. There was a soft light in the once proud eyes, though at times they gleamed with the old vindictive fire when she was visited by one disturbing thought stronger than ever in her heart. The object of that uneasiness was the same as ever - Katerina Ivanovna, of whom Grushenka had even raved when she lay in delirium. Alyosha knew that she was fearfully jealous of her. Yet Katerina Ivanovna had not once visited Mitya in his prison, though she might have done it whenever she liked. All this made a difficult problem for Alyosha, for he was the only person to whom Grushenka opened her heart and from whom she was continually asking advice. Sometimes he was unable to say anything. Full of anxiety he entered her lodging. She was at home. She had returned from seeing Mitya half an hour before, and from the rapid movement with which she leapt up from her chair to meet him he saw that she had been expecting him with great impatience. A pack of cards dealt for a game of "fools" lay on the table. A bed had been made up on the leather sofa on the other side and Maximov lay, half reclining, on it. He wore a dressing-gown and a cotton nightcap, and was evidently ill and weak, though he was smiling blissfully. When the homeless old man returned with Grushenka from Mokroe two months before, he had simply stayed on and was still staying with her. He arrived with her in rain and sleet, sat down on the sofa, drenched and scared, and gazed mutely at her with a timid, appealing smile. Grushenka, who was in terrible grief and in the first stage of fever, almost forgot his existence in all she had to do the first half hour after her arrival. Suddenly she chanced to look at him intently: he laughed a pitiful, helpless little laugh. She called Fenya and told her to give him something to eat. All that day he sat in the same place, almost without stirring. When it got dark and the shutters were closed, Fenya asked her mistress: "Is the gentleman going to stay the night, mistress?" "Yes; make him a bed on the sofa," answered Grushenka. Questioning him more in detail, Grushenka learned from him that he had literally nowhere to go, and that "Mr. Kalganov, my benefactor, told me straight that he wouldn't receive me again and gave me five roubles." "Well, God bless you, you'd better stay, then," Grushenka decided in her grief, smiling compassionately at him. Her smile wrung the old man's heart and his lips twitched with grateful tears. And so the destitute wanderer had stayed with her ever since. He did not leave the house even when she was ill. Fenya and her grandmother, the cook, did not turn him out, but went on serving him meals and making up his bed on the sofa. Grushenka had grown used to him, and coming back from seeing Mitya (whom she had begun to visit in prison before she was really well) she would sit down and begin talking to "Maximushka" about trifling matters, to keep her from thinking of her sorrow. The old man turned out to be a good story-teller on occasions, so that at last he became necessary to her. Grushenka saw scarcely anyone else beside Alyosha, who did not come every day and never stayed long. Her old merchant lay seriously ill at this time, "at his last gasp" as they said in the town, and he did, in fact, die a week after Mitya's trial. Three weeks before his death, feeling the end approaching, he made his sons, their wives and children, come upstairs to him at last and bade them not leave him again. From that moment he gave strict orders to his servants not to admit Grushenka and to tell her if she came, "The master wishes you long life and happiness and tells you to forget him." But Grushenka sent almost every day to inquire after him. "You've come at last!" she cried, flinging down the cards and joyfully greeting Alyosha, "and Maximushka's been scaring me that perhaps you wouldn't come. Ah, how I need you! Sit down to the table. What will you have coffee?" "Yes, please," said Alyosha, sitting down at the table. "I am very hungry." "That's right. Fenya, Fenya, coffee," cried Grushenka. "It's been made a long time ready for you. And bring some little pies, and mind they are hot. Do you know, we've had a storm over those pies to-day. I took them to the prison for him, and would you believe it, he threw them back to me: he would not eat them. He flung one of them on the floor and stamped on it. So I said to him: 'I shall leave them with the warder; if you don't eat them before evening, it will be that your venomous spite is enough for you!' With that I went away. We quarrelled again, would you believe it? Whenever I go we quarrel." Grushenka said all this in one breath in her agitation. Maximov, feeling nervous, at once smiled and looked on the floor. "What did you quarrel about this time?" asked Alyosha. "I didn't expect it in the least. Only fancy, he is jealous of the Pole. 'Why are you keeping him?' he said. 'So you've begun keeping him.' He is jealous, jealous of me all the time, jealous eating and sleeping! He even took into his head to be jealous of Kuzma last week." "But he knew about the Pole before?" "Yes, but there it is. He has known about him from the very beginning but to-day he suddenly got up and began scolding about him. I am ashamed to repeat what he said. Silly fellow! Rakitin went in as I came out. Perhaps Rakitin is egging him on. What do you think?" she added carelessly. "He loves you, that's what it is; he loves you so much. And now he is particularly worried." "I should think he might be, with the trial to-morrow. And I went to him to say something about to-morrow, for I dread to think what's going to happen then. You say that he is worried, but how worried I am! And he talks about the Pole! He's too silly! He is not jealous of Maximushka yet, anyway." "My wife was dreadfully jealous over me, too," Maximov put in his word. "Jealous of you?" Grushenka laughed in spite of herself. "Of whom could she have been jealous?" "Of the servant girls." "Hold your tongue, Maximushka, I am in no laughing mood now; I feel angry. Don't ogle the pies. I shan't give you any; they are not good for you, and I won't give you any vodka either. I have to look after him, too, just as though I kept an almshouse," she laughed. "I don't deserve your kindness. I am a worthless creature," said Maximov, with tears in his voice. "You would do better to spend your kindness on people of more use than me." "Ech, everyone is of use, Maximushka, and how can we tell who's of most use? If only that Pole didn't exist, Alyosha. He's taken it into his head to fall ill, too, to-day. I've been to see him also. And I shall send him some pies, too, on purpose. I hadn't sent him any, but Mitya accused me of it, so now I shall send some! Ah, here's Fenya with a letter! Yes, it's from the Poles - begging again! Pan Mussyalovitch had indeed sent an extremely long and characteristically eloquent letter in which he begged her to lend him three roubles. In the letter was enclosed a receipt for the sum, with a promise to repay it within three months, signed by Pan Vrublevsky as well. Grushenka had received many such letters, accompanied by such receipts, from her former lover during the fortnight of her convalescence. But she knew that the two Poles had been to ask after her health during her illness. The first letter Grushenka got from them was a long one, written on large notepaper and with a big family crest on the seal. It was so obscure and rhetorical that Grushenka put it down before she had read half, unable to make head or tail of it. She could not attend to letters then. The first letter was followed next day by another in which Pan Mussyalovitch begged her for a loan of two thousand roubles for a very short period. Grushenka left that letter, too, unanswered. A whole series of letters had followed - one every day - all as pompous and rhetorical, but the loan asked for, gradually diminishing, dropped to a hundred roubles, than to twenty-five, to ten, and finally Grushenka received a letter in which both the Poles begged her for only one rouble and included a receipt signed by both. Then Grushenka suddenly felt sorry for them, and at dusk she went round herself to their lodging. She found the two Poles in great poverty, almost destitution, without food or fuel, without cigarettes, in debt to their landlady. The two hundred roubles they had carried off from Mitya at Mokroe had soon disappeared. But Grushenka was surprised at their meeting her with arrogant dignity and self-assertion, with the greatest punctilio and pompous speeches. Grushenka simply laughed, and gave her former admirer ten roubles. Then, laughing, she told Mitya of it and he was not in the least jealous. But ever since, the Poles had attached themselves to Grushenka and bombarded her daily with requests for money and she had always sent them small sums. And now that day Mitya had taken it into his head to be fearfully jealous. "Like a fool, I went round to him just for a minute, on the way to see Mitya, for he is ill, too, my Pole," Grushenka began again with nervous haste. "I was laughing, telling Mitya about it. 'Fancy,' I said, 'my Pole had the happy thought to sing his old songs to me to the guitar. He thought I would be touched and marry him!' Mitya leapt up swearing.... So, there, I'll send them the pies! Fenya, is it that little girl they've sent? Here, give her three roubles and pack up a dozen pies in a paper and tell her to take them. And you, Alyosha, be sure to tell Mitya that I did send them the pies." "I wouldn't tell him for anything," said Alyosha, smiling. "Ech! You think he is unhappy about it. Why, he's jealous on purpose. He doesn't care," said Grushenka bitterly. "On purpose?" queried Alyosha. "I tell you you are silly, Alyosha. You know nothing about it, with all your cleverness. I am not offended that he is jealous of a girl like me. I would be offended if he were not jealous. I am like that. I am not offended at jealousy. I have a fierce heart, too. I can be jealous myself. Only what offends me is that he doesn't love me at all. I tell you he is jealous now on purpose. Am I blind? Don't I see? He began talking to me just now of that woman, of Katerina, saying she was this and that, how she had ordered a doctor from Moscow for him, to try and save him; how she had ordered the best counsel, the most learned one, too. So he loves her, if he'll praise her to my face, more shame to him! He's treated me badly himself, so he attacked me, to make out I am in fault first and to throw it all on me. 'You were with your Pole before me, so I can't be blamed for Katerina,' that's what it amounts to. He wants to throw the whole blame on me. He attacked me on purpose, on purpose, I tell you, but I'll-" Grushenka could not finish saying what she would do. She hid her eyes in her handkerchief and sobbed violently. "He doesn't love Katerina Ivanovna," said Alyosha firmly. "Well, whether he loves her or not, I'll soon find out for myself," said Grushenka, with a menacing note in her voice, taking the handkerchief from her eyes. Her face was distorted. Alyosha saw sorrowfully that from being mild and serene, it had become sullen and spiteful. "Enough of this foolishness," she said suddenly; "it's not for that I sent for you. Alyosha, darling, to-morrow - what will happen to-morrow? That's what worries me! And it's only me it worries! I look at everyone and no one is thinking of it. No one cares about it. Are you thinking about it even? To-morrow he'll be tried, you know. Tell me, how will he be tried? You know it's the valet, the valet killed him! Good heavens! Can they condemn him in place of the valet and will no one stand up for him? They haven't troubled the valet at all, have they?" "He's been severely cross-examined," observed Alyosha thoughtfully; "but everyone came to the conclusion it was not he. Now he is lying very ill. He has been ill ever since that attack. Really ill," added Alyosha. "Oh, dear! couldn't you go to that counsel yourself and tell him the whole thing by yourself? He's been brought from Petersburg for three thousand roubles, they say." "We gave these three thousand together - Ivan, Katerina Ivanovna and I - but she paid two thousand for the doctor from Moscow herself. The counsel Fetyukovitch would have charged more, but the case has become known all over Russia; it's talked of in all the papers and journals. Fetyukovitch agreed to come more for the glory of the thing, because the case has become so notorious. I saw him yesterday." "Well? Did you talk to him?" Grushenka put in eagerly. "He listened and said nothing. He told me that he had already formed his opinion. But he promised to give my words consideration." "Consideration! Ah, they are swindlers! They'll ruin him. And why did she send for the doctor?" "As an expert. They want to prove that Mitya's mad and committed the murder when he didn't know what he was doing," Alyosha smiled gently, "but Mitya won't agree to that." "Yes; but that would be the truth if he had killed him!" cried Grushenka. "He was mad then, perfectly mad, and that was my fault, wretch that I am! But, of course, he didn't do it, he didn't do it! And they are all against him, the whole town. Even Fenya's evidence went to prove he had done it. And the people at the shop, and that official, and at the tavern, too, before, people had heard him say so! They are all, all against him, all crying out against him." "Yes, there's a fearful accumulation of evidence," Alyosha observed grimly. "And Grigory - Grigory Vassilyevitch - sticks to his story that the door was open, persists that he saw it - there's no shaking him. I went and talked to him myself. He's rude about it, too." "Yes, that's perhaps the strongest evidence against him," said Alyosha. "And as for Mitya's being mad, he certainly seems like it now," Grushenka began with a peculiarly anxious and mysterious air. "Do you know, Alyosha, I've been wanting to talk to you about it for a long time. I go to him every day and simply wonder at him. Tell me, now, what do you suppose he's always talking about? He talks and talks and I can make nothing of it. I fancied he was talking of something intellectual that I couldn't understand in my foolishness. Only he suddenly began talking to me about a babe - that is, about some child. 'Why is the babe poor?' he said. 'It's for that babe I am going to Siberia now. I am not a murderer, but I must go to Siberia!' What that meant, what babe, I couldn't tell for the life of me. Only I cried when he said it, because he said it so nicely. He cried himself, and I cried, too. He suddenly kissed me and made the sign of the cross over me. What did it mean, Alyosha, tell me? What is this babe?" "It must be Rakitin, who's been going to see him lately," smiled Alyosha, "though... that's not Rakitin's doing. I didn't see Mitya yesterday. I'll see him to-day." "No, it's not Rakitin; it's his brother Ivan Fyodorovitch upsetting him. It's his going to see him, that's what it is," Grushenka began, and suddenly broke off. Alyosha gazed at her in amazement. "Ivan's going? Has he been to see him? Mitya told me himself that Ivan hasn't been once." "There... there! What a girl I am! Blurting things out!" exclaimed Grushenka, confused and suddenly blushing. "Stay, Alyosha, hush! Since I've said so much I'll tell the whole truth - he's been to see him twice, the first directly he arrived. He galloped here from Moscow at once, of course, before I was taken ill; and the second time was a week ago. He told Mitya not to tell you about it, under any circumstances; and not to tell anyone, in fact. He came secretly." Alyosha sat plunged in thought, considering something. The news evidently impressed him. "Ivan doesn't talk to me of Mitya's case," he said slowly. "He's said very little to me these last two months. And whenever I go to see him, he seems vexed at my coming, so I've not been to him for the last three weeks. H'm!... if he was there a week ago... there certainly has been a change in Mitya this week." "There has been a change," Grushenka assented quickly. "They have a secret, they have a secret! Mitya told me himself there was a secret, and such a secret that Mitya can't rest. Before then, he was cheerful - and, indeed, he is cheerful now - but when he shakes his head like that, you know, and strides about the room and keeps pulling at the hair on his right temple with his right hand, I know there is something on his mind worrying him.... I know! He was cheerful before, though, indeed, he is cheerful to-day." "But you said he was worried." "Yes, he is worried and yet cheerful. He keeps on being irritable for a minute and then cheerful and then irritable again. And you know, Alyosha, I am constantly wondering at him - with this awful thing hanging over him, he sometimes laughs at such trifles as though he were a baby himself." "And did he really tell you not to tell me about Ivan? Did he say, 'Don't tell him'?" "Yes, he told me, 'Don't tell him.' It's you that Mitya's most afraid of. Because it's a secret: he said himself it was a secret. Alyosha, darling, go to him and find out what their secret is and come and tell me," Grushenka besought him with sudden eagerness. "Set my mind at rest that I may know the worst that's in store for me. That's why I sent for you." "You think it's something to do with you? If it were, he wouldn't have told you there was a secret." "I don't know. Perhaps he wants to tell me, but doesn't dare to. He warns me. There is a secret, he tells me, but he won't tell me what it is." "What do you think yourself?" "What do I think? It's the end for me, that's what I think. They all three have been plotting my end, for Katerina's in it. It's all Katerina, it all comes from her. She is this and that, and that means that I am not. He tells me that beforehand - warns me. He is planning to throw me over, that's the whole secret. They've planned it together, the three of them - Mitya, Katerina, and Ivan Fyodorovitch. Alyosha, I've been wanting to ask you a long time. A week ago he suddenly told me that Ivan was in love with Katerina, because he often goes to see her. Did he tell me the truth or not? Tell me, on your conscience, tell me the worst." "I won't tell you a lie. Ivan is not in love with Katerina Ivanovna, I think." "Oh, that's what I thought! He is lying to me, shameless deceiver, that's what it is! And he was jealous of me just now, so as to put the blame on me afterwards. He is stupid, he can't disguise what he is doing; he is so open, you know.... But I'll give it to him, I'll give it to him! 'You believe I did it,' he said. He said that to me, to me. He reproached me with that! God forgive him! You wait, I'll make it hot for Katerina at the trial! I'll just say a word then... I'll tell everything then!" And again she cried bitterly. "This I can tell you for certain, Grushenka," Alyosha said, getting up. "First, that he loves you, loves you more than anyone in the world, and you only, believe me. I know. I do know. The second thing is that I don't want to worm his secret out of him, but if he'll tell me of himself to-day, I shall tell him straight out that I have promised to tell you. Then I'll come to you to-day and tell you. Only... I fancy... Katerina Ivanovna has nothing to do with it, and that the secret is about something else. That's certain. It isn't likely it's about Katerina Ivanovna, it seems to me. Good-bye for now." Alyosha shook hands with her. Grushenka was still crying. He saw that she put little faith in his consolation, but she was better for having had her sorrow out, for having spoken of it. He was sorry to leave her in such a state of mind, but he was in haste. He had a great many things to do still.