#also i finally wrote the mayor's give name oop

[ask-isabelleandmayor]

*happens to get off at the train station* I wonder who happens to live in this town, growf?

…

Mayor: “God, how can someone be this tall!!!!!!”

@ask-bangle-tiger

((also I take every chance to make fun of the mayor so here’s this too))

is nuke tall or is the mayor short or both 🤔🤔

[leverage-commentary]

Leverage Season 2, Episode 15, The Maltese Falcon Job, Audio Commentary Transcript

Dean: Hi I'm Dean Devlin, Executive Producer and Director of this episode.

John: I'm John Rogers, Executive producer and Writer.

Chris: I'm Chris Downey, Executive Producer, and this is the Maltese Falcon Job. Part two of our season two finale.

John: And this is a lot of fun, this was- this was born of an episode we never wrote. Just- we really wanted to just put them on their pins.

Chris: Right.

John: Just really knock them on their ass and so- were you handheld there? Handheld whenever there's a problem, right?

Dean: Well this is actually a 360 steadicam. And what we're trying to do is let- their entire world is spinning out of control, so we just wanted this just to keep spinning around. They don't know where they're gonna land.

John: This is a fast, hard reset. The second- the second half of the season finale last year, we kinda eased into it, we reset the locations.

Dean: Here we throw you right into it.

Chris: Right.

John: Yeah, you best be paying attention and you really see when, you know- they're the uber team. You know, you really need to put them onto the wall, and the FBI and Interpol in this situation, they're utterly lost. And Interpol, it was interesting, it was something we were saying last- cause it was Mark Sheppard credit in the last episode. We were looking for a villain, and the problem is we kept coming up with this recurring, separate villain. We’re like, ‘We've never met this person before, we don't care. The person you really want it to be is Sterling! But he's an investigator.’

Chris: ‘He's an insurance investigator, what does that have to do with insurance? We have to find a way to make this about insurance?’

John: Oh man, we killed ourselves.

Dean: Do you remember what you said John? The night-?

Chris: It was between you two, right?

John: It was us. I Skyped you at like 11 o’clock at night, you had come back from scouting-

Dean: And we were talking, and the idea came up, ‘What if we just made him interpol?’ Do you remember what you said?

John: No.

Dean: You said, ‘We are either coming up with the best idea we’ve ever come up with, or we’re both reall,y really tired right now.’

[Laughter]

Chris: And it was.

John: It was great.

Chris: As soon as I heard it, I said, ‘That’s a great idea.’ Because we needed to give him a wider mandate.

John: Yes, if we're gonna keep them as a recurring bad guy-

Chris: Great idea.

John: And what was great is, we already shot the episode that he was in before, so we had to go back and reshoot that ending.

Dean: Here's my favorite Tara bit, of her whole arc.

John: Oh, that's right.

Dean: And this man was actually our local assistant.

[Laughter]

Chris: That was AJ.

John: Yes. And a fine actor by the way.

Dean: He did a great job.

Chris: Oh look at this shot, look at this.

John: Look at just the look he's doing. Just a good 1960s Zero Mostel take there. Yeah, ‘Oops.’

[Laughter]

Chris: Mrs. Robinson.

Dean: Comedy frame.

John: Comedy frame. We got like nine takes of Christian reacting to that by the way.

Dean: And my favorite is they both originally put their heads back, and then only Christian’s head came back out again, but we didn't have time for that. 

Chris: Oh I love that.

John: We can't break for comedy too much here, cause you've got the momentum going. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: And you're like, you have to keep resetting - they are in trouble. This, by the way, great hack taught to us by Apollo Robbins.

Chris: Yes.

John: Our thief consultant took us through how you can get access to the hotel computer system through the back of your television.

Chris: Yes.

John: This is a real thing. Please don’t-

Dean: Please don't try this at home.

Chris: Please don’t try this.

John: Don't try this at home, but most hotels have internet enabled televisions now, and that allows you a backdoor into the- 

Chris: It's a good example, too, of our team is so good at what they do, that we always try and look for ways to take away all their tools and find a clever way they have to use whatever's around them to-

John: Yeah

Chris: -you know, get their information.

John: Yeah, and that's again, constrained in time, constrained in space.

Dean: And that little porno name here, we had to get clearance on. 

John: I know. We came up with so many pornos that were real. That we came up with the most ridiculous porno name, ‘Nope that's a real one, that’s a real one.’ What did we land with, Indie Panties Day?

[Laughter]

John: Yeah, there's also- I wonder if we got it on the DVD, a really creepy, awkward beat after they’ve watched the porno that Aldis and Beth did, just very. 

Chris: That's a nice little viral video.

John: Yeah we’ll have to find that. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: Oh, and a beautiful three way pass, by the way. That was a tough shot, you know, in a crowded-

Dean: And it's a callback from the Zanzibar Job. 

John: Yes.

Dean: Where they did a similar three way.

John: Yeah. 

Dean: And I love this local actor.

John: Oh man, he's fantastic.

Dean: Harold rocked it.

John: ‘Yes, it was delicious.’ Yeah no, Eliot's impatience. This, by the way- getting a hotel key without your ID, I was a little fuzzy on whether it would work or not. I had written it, and I was like ‘Ah, am I kinda cheating?’ So I went to a hotel and did it. 

[Laughter]

John: Two days before we actually did this.

Chris: You did?

John: Yes. I won't tell you what hotel because they shouldn't have done it, but I got a hotel room key that way.

Chris: That's great.

John: Yeah. It's amazing what you can do if you have no fear of prosecution.

[Laughter]

John: ‘Oh, I'm doing a television show.’ And this was tough. We had to split them up, we had to figure out what the geography was- oh he hates Sterling so much.

[Laughter]

John: And Mark Sheppard just teeing off, just- 

Dean: Mark is delicious in this part, man. 

John: Yes.

Dean: I'm telling you, I could just watch him play this guy all day long.

John: Yeah, and what's great is Richard Kind, kind of, really kind of justifying, really doing the evil speech of evil, ‘He's a good mayor.’

Chris: Yeah.

John: And he was the one who came up with, ‘I’m good for Bellbridge.’

Chris: ‘I was good for Bellbridge.’

John:  ‘I'm- no matter what I did, I did my job, you know.’

Chris: I like, too, that we have Nate and the mayor both- 

John: Both drinking.

Chris: Both drinking.

Dean: Yeah.

John: I think that was on the day we came up with that, where Nate would get the booze from. 

Dean: Right.

John: Same place. I think we were just- cause this is the same hotel room. That was the fun of this episode, it was figuring out all the identical space- the fact that all hotel rooms are identical.

Chris: Right.

John: And that we suddenly realized, ‘Wait that means we can shoot in one and just redress.’ This is a long ass speech, this was a tough day.

Dean: And again done in a one-er.

John: Yes.

Dean: So the degree of difficulty for poor Mark was very, very high, but he knocked it out again.

John: He's really abused in television. Cause I will tell you right now, a lot of show runners will be like, ‘I have two and a half of impossible bullshit, get me Mark Sheppard in here.’

Dean: Right.

Chris: He's- I think he went from here, he was- he did the- I guess that three part CSI-

John: Yeah.

Chris: Where they had all the CSIs in one link and he was the bad guy in that, and he works.

John: He's a great- he really in that British actor tradition, yeah. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And this- this bio of this arms dealer is pretty much just a bio of an arms dealer we took. I'm not gonna tell you who, because it was Chris’s idea and if you're angry, you should take your vengeance on him and his family.

[Laughter]

John: And not me, I am a big fan of arms dealers.

Chris: Paul Blackthorne, great- what is he-?

John: Well he had done Dresden Files, I knew him from that. 

Chris: Dresden Files.

John: But he's, you know, nailed the accent, and he's also really tall, he's got a physically imposing presence. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And Tim’s tall, and it's really hard sometimes, to find the villains that can kind of, you know. And this was a great scene, and really one of the few times that the team lays into Nate. And I like, by the way, Nate’s getting more and more rumpled. Everyone else is kind of pulling it together, and he's just getting rougher and rougher looking.

Chris: Didn’t we have some weather here?

Dean: On the outtakes reel that's actually on this DVD, you'll see some funny outtakes from this scene.

Chris: With the weather right?

Dean: With the weather and Tim’s hair.

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh wow.

John: Oh right, even Chris is having a problem here and he's in a ponytail. Yeah the wind- the whole day we were shooting this we had thunderstorms coming through. 

Dean: Right.

John: So we were literally, ‘It's sunny. Go, go, go!’ And running down and getting the exteriors, yeah. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah we banged this out fast, man.

Dean: And yet they really nailed it. Again, when our actors dig in, they find gold.

John: And this was a big moment, this was- this is something I think that people sometimes ask, ‘Why does Eliot do this?’ Eliot has made himself a promise, this is his job, he will keep them safe.

Chris: Right.

Dean: And Nate realizes-

John: That's all he has.

Dean: Nate realizes for the first time he's actually let his team down.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And now he feels like he has to make it up to them.

John: Well, you know, when Parker does it. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: I mean that's the thing, Parker never gives- expresses- she’ll tease, she’ll express sarcasm, but disappointment- you know, ‘Be the person we came back for.’ She's referencing the season opener.

Dean: Right.

John: And that's the problem, is addiction- he's allowed himself to be- he's no longer the guy who used to chase them.

[Silence]

John: That's me drinking my Guinness, don't mind me.

[Laughter]

John: Oh god. What would I do without booze? 

Dean: So now we come back to the hotel.

John: Was that on mic? Alright.

[Laughter]

John: So we’re back on the hotel. 

Dean: And again, our clue from the previous episode of the Maltese Falcon.

Chris: Really key to watch these two back to back folks.

Dean: Oh, now this is-

Chris: I mean, maybe get a sandwich, but don't do much more than that.

Dean: This, I think, is one of my favorite bullet time shots that we've ever done. 

John: This was not as- not quite as insane as- and America thanks you for Beth in the French maid outfit.

Chris: The french maid.

Dean: It’s after this gag.

John: Yeah. Not quite as insane as the- by the way, this moment is based on a comedy club in Winnipeg, when- where the comics would go perform, it was a contest amongst them to see how long they could go without leaving the hotel room, and without letting the maids in.

[Laughter]

Chris: Cause there was no-

John: There was nothing to do. 

Chris: Nothing to do.

John: So it was like, ‘I went 40- I went 72 hours; the maids left the towels at the door.’

Dean: Great passing out scene.

Chris: Oh there we go.

John: That man is passed out. And that looks like my bed in every stand up club I ever went at.

Dean: This was the bullet- this was a very complicated bullet time shot.

John: Is this as bad or worse than the pilot, where you did four different directions?

Dean: No, it's not as bad as the pilot, but the timing of it is hard because of the extras and the switching of directions.

John: Yeah. So we start with one-

Dean: And we were using a different steadicam artist who had never done this before. 

John: Oh, that’s right.

Dean: So we had to teach Norbert how to do it while we were doing it.

Chris: Oh, that's right. 

Dean: It was very tough.

Chris: Cause our camera guy had a-

Dean: It was the one day Gary Camp was actually sick.

John: Yeah.

Chris: His tooth exploded or something.

John: Yeah, and he still showed up for work, by the way. 

Chris: He did.

John: With a face that looked like somebody had worked him over with a bat.

Dean: Now originally you had a much more complicated gag to stall, and then you came up with this gag, and we were on the floor laughing.

Chris: Yeah, this is funny.

John: You said, you were like, ‘I can't shoot that gag, all I have is the elevator’ I was like ‘Alright, well we’ll do this.’ And it's funny cause it was really a throwaway, and then the more we talked about it, the funnier it got.

Dean: Yeah.

John: As you realize it's just comedy beat, after comedy beat, after comedy beat. Also: Mark Sheppard.

Dean: Yeah.

Chris: Mark Sheppard does the- he takes you through the- 

John: The fives stages of death and dying.

Chris: The array of reactions.

Dean: This is-

Chris: Puts on a [unintelligible].

John: And by the way- same elevator, we’re just changing the floor number on every shot.

Dean: And the plants.

John: And the plants.

[Laughter]

John: So yes. And we- but we did run Tim up the stairs a lot that day.

Chris: We did.

Dean: I'll tell you this may be my- the funniest gag we've ever done.

John: Just cause both actors- oh this- just the seething.

Dean: The rage.

John: And both actors kind of really digging in on it.

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh.

John: And then... 

Chris: Just kidding this right on his reel, this is all the different, kind of, reaction to it.

John: And I like, he's almost too tired to keep doing it. And up.

Dean: But what sells the whole gag for me is this last one. Because at this point now they've done everything they can, and they just don't care anymore.

[Laughter]

John: They're just. 

Dean: They're done.

John: They’re done, they’re just exhausted. And now- now Nate can give up. Yeah, he's bought them enough time to do what they need to do. And also this was a nice beat, cause Mark made a point of it, it's like if he just had one more second he would've figured it out.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Right.

John: You know you can never- Sterling- you always have to play fair with him. 

Dean: Right.

John: You know he's always this close to figuring it out. These guys were great as the vaguely resentful FBI agents. 

Dean: Exactly.

John: Because he's very insulting. And a timing joke. Mark carries a lot in this episode.

Chris: Door- door closed, there you go, door closes, door opens.

Dean: Mark had his work cut out for him this episode.

John: Door opens. ‘Hey, Bob.’ Yeah, these two had a lot of fun. There’s about 900 different takes of this. And oh this was tricky, because when we got up there, we were shooting on the top floor, but that meant we couldn't double the corridor.

Dean: That’s right.

John: Because we had the skylights.

Chris: Oh, hm.

Dean: So we had to find other corridors. 

John: Yeah, and sometimes people were sleeping, sorry about that.

Dean: This is a very simple bullet time shot, but a very effective one, I think.

John: Yeah, the big reveal.

Dean: Just the, ‘viola.’

John: And you're out.

Chris: How did they do that?

John: A lot of fun. And a wink, which would distract any normal human. And this is- I'm trying to remember where we came up with this bit. Oh the carts were brutal, trying to find the cart we could put a dude in.

Chris: Oh yeah.

Dean: But this bit here is a call back to the episode with the kids-

John: Yes. Yeah That's right- where Hardison and- 

Dean: Cannot rappel.

Chris: That’s just great.

John: Rappelling just does not fit well, he's just not left as- and by the way, it really- real risk of Aldis Hodge strangling there. Sorry about that, Aldis. 

[Laughter]

John: And he's figured it out. Yeah and that was a lot of fun. Nashua, New Hampshire, near where my sister lives, by the way.

Chris: Right that's where they're sending it.

John: That's actually where they are sending it- they're sending that trunk to my sister’s front lawn. What little I can do. And this is- what's fun is that we- the camera work is very energized, the game's afoot, and the second half- it’s interesting, the two previous seasons, the two episodes both had their own internal structure. This really just plays as a movie because all the set up is the first half.

Chris: Yes.

John: This entire episode is the rock that's been pushed down the hill, and we’re just chasing it.

Chris: And everything is paying off.

John: Yeah. And again, drawn from my experience in standup years, all the hotel rooms look alike. If you were to wake me up in any random hotel room, I woke up and my trash was there, I'd assume that that was my room.

Chris: Sure. I mean as any business traveller can tell you, they'll wake up and not know what city they're in.

John: And Richard Kind, by the way- poor Richard Kind spent a week in that bathrobe. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: On docks, on oil tankers, in hotel rooms.

Chris: Yeah, it’s true.

John: That was- he formed a very unhealthy relationship with that bathrobe.

Dean: And had to be in the bathrobe the whole time.

John: Yeah. This is my favorite bit- they're just the type of people who cut up people in tubs, that's their job.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: But this little look of Eliot's right there tells you everything.

Chris: ‘Alright, I'm gonna cut her up.’

John: ‘Alright, this is my day.’ Aldis’s character Mr. Joshua, of course, named after the Gary Busey character from- 

Chris: Lethal Weapon.

John: Lethal Weapon. If we need a killer's name, why not-?

Dean: Go to the best.

John: Why not reference the best? Bunch of different versions of this. And I love them playing good cop, bad cop. But it was interesting, we had a version of this speech- and I will give this up to you as director, that explained everything. And you really looked at it and said, ‘Alright, here's the actual three things we need for this to make sense.’ Cause as the writer you never know, but you come at it from a storyteller like, ‘Here are the points the audience needs to be emotionally engaged to move forward.’

Dean: And it was a tough call, because Richard did such an amazing job with this speech. 

John: Yes.

Dean: You almost didn't want to lose anything. But, you know, we have time that we have to come in at the end of the show, and we needed to lose some time, so we really boiled it down.

Chris: Oh was this something that came out in editing? Or in-?

John: Yeah.

Chris: Oh it did, I didn't even notice.

John: You didn't notice, exactly. 

Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John: The speech was about twice as long. Because really there's a whole mini scene between Richard and Tim there. 

Dean: Right.

John: And it really was- you know, you got it, he's bargaining for his life. That’s all you need to know.

Dean: And Richard is so knocking it out, you're actually learning a lot more with even less.

John: Yeah. His relationship through his attitude. No, there are times- even a writer would admit-

Dean: And that's all real sweat, by the way, no sweat bottle came in there; he earned each drop.

John: Boom. I like Aldis’ vague resentment at not being allowed to punch the guy.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Because again, everyone has their niche. And also the great expression Beth chooses there. ‘Eh, I've been in the tub waiting while you beat up a mayor. I'm out now.’

[Laughter]

John: ‘What are we doing next?’

Chris: Yeah, completely blank affect.

John: Yeah, exactly.

Dean: Day at the office.

John: Yeah.

Dean: But the subtle look of feeling like she's on a sinking ship. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: That we get out of Tara at the end of this scene, is really very great for setting up the turn.

John: And even- It's interesting, to watch Chris choose- Aldis is having basically Hardison question dad, while Eliot is instead watching the interplay between the two of them to see how Nate treats Hardison. 

Dean: Right.

John: Knowing that's the better indicator of what the relationship is. He does a similar thing in 207, actually, between he and Sophie- between Gina, with the bomb scene. 

Dean: Right, right. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: And then here we drop our red herring. Has Tara jumped the shark?

John: For a minute or half we considered doing it. For a minute and a half, what would- the problem was, it's Jeri Ryan, and you like her and you're hanging out with her and working with her and it was like, ‘Nah, I don't want the- I like the character.’

Chris: Well it sets up the- the act where it all pays off is one of my favorite acts we’ve done.

John: It’s one of my favorite bits ever. This, by the way, it seems like it's just an act break, it's horrible. Sterling has used his- the fact he used to be best friends with Nate Ford, to know that he is going to use his child’s- dead child's art to trap him.

Chris: Yeah.

John: This is a moment that was kind of thrown away, and the two actors, I saw them actually talking about it on set and they really dug in on it.

Chris: Yeah.

John: It's like, that is a horrible moment. You know, because he knows he won't leave town without that, and Sterling is the only man on earth who knows he won't leave town without that. 

Chris: Right.

John: Yeah. And it's one of the few times we’re behind the desk there.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Yeah. It's a weird place to shoot; it's just got that picture behind it, it's just trough to frame

Dean: But we wanted to get there and we found a place. Now this scene is unusual in that we've gone now to our handheld, which we do when our characters are either in physical or emotional jeopardy. But unlike other scenes, we went musicless here.

John: Yes.

Dean: Because the performances were so strong and so right on-

Chris: Oh that’s great.

Dean: -we didn't want to tell the audience what to feel. Just- we just wanted them to feel it.

John: Also in the tradition, that's the same glass.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Nate and- 

Chris: Oh that's the same glass from- from Nate in-

Dean: Season 1.

Chris: Season 1. That’s great.

John: Nate and Sterling have one glass they pass back and forth between each other depending on who’s winning.

Chris: That's great.

Dean: Right.

John: And the fact he's brought it to give it to him is sort of a signature of the deal they're falling into. And again, by the way, the idea that you would protect a witness that might’ve killed a cop. When you do the research? Oh man. This was kind of the Whitey Bulger thing in costic.

Chris: Well I mean, you know, we- it gave us a chance to explore- it was a whole different episode from the point of view of the FBI. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: About the compromises that people make when they get confidential, you know- 

John: Informants.

Chris: Cooperating witnesses, of looking the other way of other things they're doing. All they are focused on is their case.

John: That mayor is giving them 20 good busts.

Chris: Yeah, yeah.

John: They're not going to follow rumors. Also Mark Sheppard is a- man, this is a great scene. There's two versions of this scene. This is the one we used, the one I like. One where he's angry and superior, and one where he's genuinely hurt that Nate Ford had become this man. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: That he's genuinely hurt he has to offer him this deal. And this is the take we used. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Which was an oddly vulnerable moment for that character. He doesn't want to be here, he doesn't want to be giving him this offer. Wow, this is all close up, too, which we almost never do.

Dean: Yeah. But this is- there's a lot of things that we did in this two part season finale that we don't normally do, that were out of the box, but necessary, it was very interesting.

John: Yeah, and this is him telling him this is his last chance. No, and- I always wonder- I gotta- I need to ask Tim when does- cause I know Tim in his head knows when Nate makes the decision what he's gonna do. Is it here or is it after the phone call? Is it after the phone call?

Dean: I think it's after the phone call.

John: Yeah. But there's alot going on.

Dean: But the twist here was cause Nate always is two steps ahead. Until he said, ‘And my team,’ and the guy- and he says, ‘No, just you.’ And there's a look on his face and it's one- it’s again, a rare vulnerable moment for Nate where he didn’t see that one coming. 

John: Yeah. And loses his hand and it's like, you know.

Dean: Again, getting to shoot at the actual docks was fantastic.

John: Except we can't shoot past her right shoulder, cause there was a navy ship there that we started to shoot, and the nice gentlemen came over and told us not to put that on camera, please.

Dean: That’s right.

Chris: Oh really?

John: Yeah.

Chris: Wow.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And briny despair may be my favorite Parker line.

John: Briny despair, old clowns.

Chris: Old clown shoes.

John: Briny despair. And again, there's a mini arc here, and the actresses are very good friends, and they're really found it, of their developing physical friendship and, like, just the fact that she can be- Parker’s physical character, and so the fact she’ll walk in pace with Tara is a big deal.

Dean: And now we've brought back Sophie.

John: There you go.

Dean: First time we haven't seen her on a monitor this season.

John: Exactly.

Chris: And here's the payoff from the scene in-

Dean: 207.

Chris: Well part one also, this-

Dean: But we set up really at the- 

Chris: We did, you're right.

Dean: At the- The Two Live Crew Job that she was going off to find herself. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: Right.

Dean: And then in the next episode, when he tried to bring her back, she says, ‘Do you want me back for the team, or for you?’ 

Chris: Right, right.

Dean: And now he calls that back and says, ‘Not for the team, for me.’

Chris: Right, right.

Dean: ‘I need you back.’

John: It was also subtle, but we've shown her in conveyance in a lot of the other shots when she's away, so you won't be tipped off by the fact that she's in a conveyance. That she's in transport.

Chris: That she's in a helicopter.

John: She's in transit, she’s in a helicopter. We've shown her in cars, she’s done the cell phone in different locations. 

Chris: Yeah, yeah, that’s true.

John: So hopefully you were not like ‘Oh, why are we seeing her in a different context?’ 

Chris: Right.

John: We've seen her in this context before. Now this was- man, this was a great day, this was just- we cleared the set and Tim just parked his ass on the floor. 

Dean: We did three takes, but this is actually his first take. He so nailed it on the first take.

John: Oh, really?

Dean: That the others were really just for safety. But he just came in there, ready to do this part.

John: Yeah. And this is- you know.

Dean: And then the tragedy that she didn't hear any of it. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: It's one of the great things about cell phones. Is that- from a dramatic standpoint- I mean they help you bring characters together, but you can also use them to- 

Dean: Separate them.

Chris: To separate them.

John: Never in 1940s comedy is or 1940s movie is like, ‘Pennsylvania 927: Oh the killer is-!’ ‘Oh I lost him.’

Chris: ‘The line went dead!’

John: ‘The line went dead!’ ‘No sir, the line’s not dead, I'll reconnect you right away.’ Thank you operator.’

Dean: But his feeling of betrayal at losing the connection.

John: Yeah.

Dean: Really again, is a wonderful red herring where we feel like, ‘Oh my god, he's really gonna sell this team out.’

John: Yeah.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Or at the very least you have no idea what the hell he's gonna do. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: You know, he is drunk, he is pissed off. No he-

Chris: And he's been put- he's been backed in a corner.

John: And you know, which-

Dean: But even the way he said here, ‘I have a plan that will fix everyone.’ It’s like, woah.

John: And having the picture that Sam drew. It's interesting that it's essentially a codependent relationship, but it's a functioning one that they have.

Dean: And here, again, is a strange bit of blocking that we had never done before, where Nate has isolated himself on the stairway. 

John: Yes.

Chris: Well that helps sell everything, too, doesn't it? Separated from them.

John: Well he's not in front of them, he's behind them. He's separated from them, exactly. Fun bit of blocking, too, actually. It's- we’ll use it again, I'm sure.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Cause that's a nice angle. And yes and then everyone- and then her coming around to pull focus. No, it's for a static shot, it's really interesting. But this is one of the few times we don't tell you the plan.

Dean: Right.

John: You know, it's one of the few times we transition. Usually we-

Chris: We did that in part two of season one, also.

John: Yeah, yeah. It’s- we’re usually an open mystery. 

Chris: Yes.

John: At least- and this was one of the few times that you're not- you have no idea- because the rules for the show usually are, you know what's gonna happen and the fun is seeing it go wrong and how they're gonna recover. This one it's like, you’re just gonna have to trust us.

Chris: Who invented the ‘And this is what we're gonna do’ was that Aristophones? The first one.

John: That was Aristophanes.

Chris: ‘Alright everyone, gather around. Grab your togas; let’s go.’

Dean: Now once again we've got the teams separated in different locations, each with different objectives.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And that's a little bit of a callback to the pilot episode, when she did the burn gag.

Chris: That's true.

John: Yes, the burn scam. Yeah, wow was this a tough shot.

Dean: That's a little bit of scale, huh guys?

Chris: Wow. 

Dean: How about that?

Chris: They let us- now was that digital or do we- let us paint on the ship?

Dean: We digitally put the name on the ship.

Chris: We did, ok.

John: Well, we did paint some of it .

Dean: We did paint some of it. You’ll see a sign later that we actually painted.

John: That was a lot of fun, just trying to figure out like, the whole break into the FBI office. And what's the easiest way? 

Dean: Short fight, but one of my favorites. 

John: Yeah, just brutal. This is a tough- this was a tough day. Chris did all of these fights in one day, straight through, and ran back and forth between the dialogue scenes.

Dean: This really should've been two days of shooting, that we did in one day.

John: He did like a 20 hour day here.

Dean: This was an insane day.

Chris: Oof.

Dean: But we only had use of this ship for two days, so we had to get it all in.

John: Yeah. He's got the samurai ponytail rocking there, that's how you can tell there's gonna be some fighting. And we have money, and we would like to arrange a meeting. ‘I'm a man with a briefcase full of money, I would like to meet your boss.’ It’s a great, classic trope.

Chris: I like this act, this is my favorite act.

John: I also like- I gave them this running bit where he's counting guys with guns.

Chris: Yeah, I remember that from- you came up with that last season.

John: Season one, and we never found a place for it.

Chris: That's a great shot, too.

John: Yeah, that's a great shot. That and- actually on the boat, that's the way you get between decks. This is actually one of my favorite Parker bits, just talking- coming up with the speech about what it's like to die in an air vent. Because the fact that she's always in air vents, is worth addressing, you know.

Dean: And it shows you the way her mind thinks.

John: Yes, exactly. ‘Scratching on the metal.’ She's kinda turned on, I'm not sure where this is going. 

[Laughter]

Dean: Yeah, that’s fair.

Chris: It's the tongue, the darting tongue and she shakes out of it.

John: Let’s go and we’re off.

Dean: She loves the danger.

Chris: We didn't get wet that down folks, that was actual Portland rain.

John: Yes, Beth Riesgraf and Jeri Ryan were on a rooftop, on a skyscraper, with a thunderstorm during most of this day.

Dean: Not dangerous at all.

John: Not dangerous, ignore the lighting, kids. Man, what were we thinking?

Dean: And he pulled out the Scottish accent out of nowhere, which was fantastic.

John: I know, I know. Which was a lot of fun. Because the idea is the mayor has gotten in over his head, and he's dealing with the same sort of businesses that- power drill was the nastiest thing I could think of.

Chris: And that's quite a nasty bit on it, too.

John: Yes, exactly. Well that’s- you know, I mean, if you're gonna mess up somebody's knees, that's the bit you're gonna use yeah. ‘Still counting.’ Oh yeah, then we just reset- it was really tricky because it was so complicated, we had to reset their goal at the beginning of every act. 

Dean: Right.

John: What do they need to get? Yeah. And again, it's like, do these guys really meet in broad daylight to look at their goods? Yes! Yes they do!

Chris: Yeah.

John: And usually-

Dean: And here's where we set up the phone does voice dialing, which is crucial to our final act.

John: Thank you 21st century. Because we enjoyed tying up Richard Kind and we’ll leave it at that.

Chris: Yeah, I'm sure the fact that GPS is in every phone is gonna be our best friend and possibly our worst enemy this coming season. 

John: No, it's a big deal. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: A phone that's on is a phone that can be tracked.

Chris: Yup.

John: Exactly. And yes and Richard, by the way, finding the desperation. ‘They cut her up in a bathtub!’ 

John: Like the murder wasnt the worst thing in the world, but the fact that somehow it was so undignified? Yeah. Nice scream. And that was, by the way, great little comedy beat, just like, ‘Well to be fair, he did most of the cutting.’ 

Chris: Yeah.

John: The two of them- we don't usually have Eliot and Nate doing comedy together, but when they do it's a pure relationship, it's a nice rhythm.

Dean: And if you look closely, there in the distance, we've set up Sophie is actually with the buyers.

John: Yes.

Dean: But you wouldn't notice that unless you watched it again.

Chris: Oh, that's great.

John: And now they've broken in, they've come down through the air vent, she did not enjoy the experience in any way shape or form. Oh man, this was a tough day. That's like-

Chris: Hot? Cold? What was the temperature? Do you remember?

John: Brutal, brutal hot. Cold at night. Hot at- you know what? There's never-

Dean: Back and forth.

John: It's never comfy on an oil tanker deck.

Chris: No- I’m trying- yeah I'm trying to imagine-

Dean: And there again, there’s Sophie in the distance.

Chris: There she is, that's great.

John: Sophie in the distance. And this is a real fusebox we tacked into. Sorry.

Dean: In city hall?

John: In city hall. 

[Laughter]

John: This was actually a fun thing is, this year we shifted to Hardison not using a signature laptop, but using the minis. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Because our hacker consultant, Kevin Mitteny told us that's what they're using. They're using $300 computers and throwing them away if they're gonna get busted. And running stuff off the thumb drives.

Dean: And this was the- in the actual cargo hold of the oil tanker, so this was very confined space to shoot in. It looked great, but it was very difficult to light and move the camera around and because the top of the stairs- that was the only stairs that was the only way in and out of that room. So all the lights, all the cameras all had to go up and down stairs- there was no other way in or out.

John: And remind you, Gina’s in this scene later. Gina at, like, 17 months pregnant.

[Laughter]

John: Came down those stairs like a fricken trooper, man. We were just- we were more scared than she was. She was like going down them, and we were like, ‘Ahhh, oh god.’

Chris: Just kind of like [unintelligible] step.

John: It’s an oil tanker! And she’s in like fashion boots, and a kicky top, you know.

Chris: Wow.

John: This was- you know what’s weird? This speech doesn’t advance the plot in any way, shape, or form. This speech is just him selling his character to buy time, and yet it’s really interesting. 

Dean: Yeah this-

John: Tim’s digging in on the character here. It's his evil speech of evil, you know.

Dean: Right

John: And he never gets to give one.

Chris: Yeah, it's interesting when we can do that. We've done that a few times, the- 

John: Glengarry, Glen death.

Chris: Sophie also- also as the Indian pharmaceutical rep gave an evil speech of evil.

John: Yes.

Dean: And this you wrote in the script as the Bourne fade. 

John: Yes.

Dean: Which I thought was the perfect description.

John: It's a perfect- it’s a good shorthand. He's there, and then he’s not there.

Chris: It's great.

John: By the way, Chris has just stepped three feet to the right into a tool locker.

[Laughter]

Dean: Right.

John: There's no actual exit there. And- was there a reason for the 360? Just to keep it- just to be interesting? Because I don't think it was-

Chris: And how hard was that within that space?

Dean: Really hard. But we felt that it was a great way to, again, the world has changed. We thought one thing was going on here, but now we've spun it by-

Chris: And that's steadicam.

Dean: That's all steadicam. Gary Camp.

John: It's weird, because it's also, kind of, Nate Ford buying into his persona there. That's one of the times you really see him.

Dean: And Jackie ‘The Joke Man’ Martling.

John: Who came in and did a great job for us!

Dean: You know what's funny, is that I thought he was just gonna be a comic that you had to teach how to act. But you know what? He really came in with the character, he committed to it, he wasn't just trying to be jokey. I mean, he really knocked it out.

John: He totally gives us serious takes-

Chris: He’s totally convincing as the evidence locker guy.

John: Slightly more convincing than Jeri Ryan in insanely hot pants as the FBI agent. 

[Laughter]

John: I gotta with Jackie here on the verisimilitude scale. Although we did put Jackie in those pants, that didn't work out for us as much. But no, he's great and the kind of vaguely resentful- you can totally see him doing this character on a- 

Dean: And yet he gave us a great exit line here.

John: ‘Oh no, who wants to talk to the evidence guy?’ 

[Laughter]

John: And that was, by the way, that was him, that was not in the script.

Chris: That’s true.

Dean: And not overselling it either.

John: No, no, it was really nice. You could see him playing that role on a cop show.

Dean: Totally.

John: Absolutely. Nate Ford, international man of mystery and arms dealer.

Chris: Peacoat really working well on the boat.

[Laughter]

John: Yeah, nice. It's very much-

Chris: That was a coat waiting for a set.

John: Yeah. Well it's interesting cause- 

Dean: Oh and there's Sophie in the background.

Chris: There’s Sophie!

John: And some people in the first screening kind of caught her, but- 

Chris: Now she's there buying guns? Who’s-?

[Laughter]

John: Well she's- she is buying guns, you know. 

Chris: For her library?

[Laughter]

Dean: Library needs guns, too.

John: Libraries need guns, too. I like to think- I like to think that she is a Swiss buyer.

Chris: No, I mean, it’s a well armed library.

John: She's a Swiss buyer, she’s-

Dean: And here's a nice little turn.

John: Nice swing around. Shot that day on the boat to reveal that they talked. And then over again. Wow, and we all shot this in a real container.

Dean: In a real containter.

Chris: It was for real? Oh, wow.

Dean: Yeah. Now back on the roof, and this is my favorite Parker bit we've ever done. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah it's tough. There's a lot of good ones, but. 

Dean: But.

John: But we never expected Beth to do this.

Chris: This turn here is great.

Dean: This is the first time since the pilot that we brought back how lethal she can actually be.

John: There's a bit in Stork Job, but boom. Oh yeah and she locked in on Jeris throat on that, too. 

Chris: Yeah.

John: And Jeri goes over the edge. 

Chris: Over the edge. 

John: She's wired, but that's Jeri Ryan hanging over the edge. And it was-

Chris: And again, it was raining and windy. 

John: Raining. Yeah no, they were both fearless up there. 

John: They had a good time up there. They really wound up working well together. And now it's all gone to hell.

Dean: But it's a real callback to that pilot line of, ‘Going to my angry place.’

John: Yeah. This is just- because what's happened is- and just for writing thing, Parker has let her into the family. The only people who are human beings are members of the family. Once Jeri’s betrayed them, she’s moved outside the family, and is an object.

Chris: Well, also to betray the family is-

John: Real ship captain.

Dean: Real ship-

Chris: Oh wow, that's great.

John: You were saying? To betray...

Chris: To betray the family is even worse.

Dean: This is a great hit right here.

Chris: Oh!

Dean: Bam! Man.

John: Yeah- man shooting- that's as wide as that space is, guys. 

Dean: Yeah.

John: That was brutal to be down there.

Dean: And these are two guys from the beginning of the previous episode. So again, if you haven't watched them back to back, you might not realize these are the two guys who shot Bonanno.

Chris: Yeah.

John: Yeah, so you know we've linked up, physically, the bad guys.

Dean: Now that one actually- we put that one actually up there.

John: Yeah, that's a real sign. And this is my favorite, this is one of my favorite character reveals ever, and it's because she's doing one of my favorite characters ever. Gina’s doing Annie Croy here.

Chris: Annie Croy.

Dean: Which, again, ties back to the beginning of the season.

John: Yeah it's almost like we think this through. Yeah and- I'm sorry we're all gonna be quiet here because we all love this.

Dean: ‘Bye now.’

John: ‘Bye now.’

[Laughter]

John: That's fucked up, man. I'm sorry, I'm gonna swear on DVD and say that is fucked up.

Dean: That ‘bye now’ is. 

Chris: The ‘bye now’ throwaway.

Dean: Oh boy, ruthless. And then my second favorite reveal of a character all year.

Chris: Oh.

John: Yeah. No, that's fantastic. And the way Tim sells this like, ‘What the hell is going on?’ No, even writing that character reveal I wasn't sure it would work, and even when we shot it I'm like, ‘Yeah, this works.’ Gina- you've been so waiting to be- hear her voice.

Dean: She is so talented.

John: We've also really lined it up like there’s no out here. We- usually the audience- a smart audience member will see a backdoor we put. There is no backdoor, she's the backdoor. 

Chris: Yeah this was a tricky bit of scripting too, right? I mean we had a ship, and we needed to disable it. I mean, what was- right?

John: It was a lot of wandering around on the ship going, ‘Alright, how does this work exactly?’

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And even though Tim is out of focus here, you get everything right there.

John: ‘The hell’s going on?’ And she doesn't break character, no.

Dean: Cause she is the ultimate grifter.

John: Yeah, no she does a great- and OK, shoot this guy in the face when I'm off the-’ She's impatient and that's actually kind of a nice thing. And now this.

Dean: Terrific little fight scene shot by Marc Roskin.

John: Yes, at some ungodly hour of the morning. And this is where we pay off the numbers. We've been waiting two years to do this.

Dean: And again, in the actual ship.

John: Yeah, there's a lot of stuff to hurt yourself on. 

Dean: And this gun going off was not easy.

John: Yeah.

Chris: Oof. 

John: Yeah, we're spilling brass all over the inside of the ship. The- this is a brutal fight sequence, all these stunties did- you know, they're banging off metal all over the place.

Dean: In this kind of space, it is so hard to do this safely, these guys were champs. And Christian- I’m telling you, he's amazing in these things.

John: No double.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Refuses to get a double.

John: Refused to get a double. There you go, and down, he counts. By the way, we’re not exhibiting superhuman strength here. This is how you break flexicuffs.

Chris: Oh wow, that's a little hulk moment.

John: Yeah, the only thing keeping- if you- if- that's why they flexicuff you behind your back. The only thing keeping you in flexicuffs in front of you is the belief that you should be in flexicuffs. Little survival tip.

Chris: Oh wow.

John: And this is also a favorite bit, because it was really written as a kind of expositional, but Beth found this really weird rhythm near the end of it.

Dean: Oh boy.

John: This is shot with the XD right?

Dean: Yeah.

John: This is all shot with a Prosumer-level camera. 

Dean: She just finds this little bit of evil.

John: ‘Oh, I actually thought you were going to throw me off.’ Yeah, exactly.

Dean: Just this little fake laugh here, just so great. I think it's actually in the two shot, because it has to be in the comedy frame.

John: Yeah the- also the- it's interesting that the- the idea that it's fair enough that they would indeed-

Dean: Here it is.

John: Here it is, coming up. ‘I thought you were actually going to throw me off the roof’. And there she is. The look before hand, the ‘Oh, that's right, this is how humans are supposed to react.’

[Laughter]

John: ‘Eh, I was totally going to throw you off that roof.’ 

Chris: Yeah, that’s great.

John: But the whole understanding that yes we probably- that's actually a favorite line and Jeri really nailed it, which is ‘You would have forgiven him.’ They're all enablers, they're all in this weird broken family, and you know, it's both their strength and their weakness. Also, again, by the way, director thing, I had a whole explanation of how Hardison disarmed the ship, and we had no time to shoot it and you were like, ‘Giant wrench!’

Chris: Giant wrench!

John: You know what he's done.

Chris: When you see a giant wrench, you see that he messed something up.

John: He is a monkey wrencher. You know! It's a term.

Dean: In the comedy frame. so-

John: And by the way, ‘Took you long enough,’ is a recurring theme for the entire back half of the season.

Dean: Right there.

Chris: Oh that's right.

Dean: And she walks by. ‘Huh?’

[Laughter]

Dean: Love it.

John: And then a beautiful over the shoulder. Oh that's a hero shot right there. No, it really is- it’s interesting because it was very scary, because you know, you didn't know how long Gina would be with us going into the season and everything.

Chris: Oh, this is great.

John: And the entire act depends on Sophie being the best grifter on earth.

Chris: Even him-

Dean: And it's just fun to see them all back together again, because we've been starved from it.

Chris: Him being like places where he doesn't know he was all throughout this episode.

John: Yeah, it's a nice running gag actually. And zero. And by the way, it was Chris who caught the count. Chris came up to me and was like, ‘If that's the last guy I'm gonna-’ I was like, ‘Oh, good catch at 2am, nicely done.’ ‘Took you long enough,’ again.

Dean: And this sets up the handcuff bit at the end.

John: Yeah, that was tricky.

Chris: Right he has the handcuffs.

John: Oh god, yeah. Boy this was really easy to keep track of.

[Laughter]

Dean: And both of them really delivered- you know, this is a very short scene that needs a lot of emotions. Because it wraps up really where they are and where they're going next season, and they just did it with looks and with subtext. And it was just terrific.

John: You poor bastard. And also, by the way, what I love about this is, this is the happy ending to most television shows, this moment right here. We then fuck it up.

Dean: Right, exactly.

John: Yeah. They really care for each other, they are really good friends.

Dean: And they're there for each other.

John: And they're there for each other, and he's a broken bastard. And what's great is he walks out of there without really knowing what the rest of the plan is.

Dean: My favorite Richard Kind line right here, ‘I don't know.’

John: ‘I don't know.’

[Laughter]

Chris: That's very Richard Kind. That’s Mad About You, Spin City Richard Kind right there.

John: Yeah, it really is. And by the way, yeah, only two ways out of this. That seems like a design flaw to me. Because that front window is a 40 foot drop onto the deck of the ship; you can't get out through that front window. 

Chris: Oh wow.

John: Yeah if you lock these doors, they ain’t going anywhere. Yeah, and a nice run and gun there, and there's also a little mini scene we blew off there with Paul sort of turning on Richard. Hero moment, hero- the team together.

Dean: By the way, those are some digital effects to remove the pregnant belly.

John: Nice, nicely done.

Chris: Oh really, wow.

Dean: Yes.

Chris: I say it a lot.

John: And nice hug.

Dean: And also just on a small note, we couldn't afford two helicopters. Because we had a helicopter in the scene, and we also needed a helicopter that could shoot the scene. So we used the same helicopter for both and then just digitally erased the camera that was mounted on the end of the helicopter.

Chris: Wait wait, so in other words when you're up there with them you're also shooting- the cameras below it?

Dean: So in other words- yeah, so when you see the helicopter arrive later, there was actually a camera attached to it.

John: A giant camera rig on it, like the size of a VW bug on the bottom of it.

Dean: But we erased it.

Chris: Oh that's amazing.

John: Yeah. Yeah and Sophie’s thought of everything. There's a way out, you hear sirens, it's all coming together. 

Dean: And it's fun to see them back together again.

Chris: And again, not that we do this typically. But this was, in a sense, this scene was kind of conceived of first, this scene and him on the deck. 

Dean: Right.

John: That's right.

Chris: That we were leading up to.

John: The original version of the script is, it opens with him bleeding out on the deck and you have no idea where he is.

Chris: But I'm saying even in the beginning of the season.

John: Oh yeah.

Chris: This scene was kind of where the show was going. How we were gonna get there was the question.

John: You don’t- everyone has their different ways. Before we shot a frame of season two, I knew it ended with Nate Ford saying, ‘I'm a thief.’

Chris: Right. But even- but even on a- also on the deck of a ship remember- I remember that.

John: Yeah, on the deck of a ship.

Dean: Now I think this ending is one of the bigger endings we’ve ever done, and it's really the most emotional ending I've ever done.

John: Really? I dunno you and I-

Dean: More than I was expecting it to be.

John: You and I disagree, because we all have our favorite stuff, but yeah, it-

Chris: It’s certainly a huge hero moment.

John: It's a huge hero moment, and they're all making great choices. Eliot really wants to just tear through these guys, and Nate’s not gonna let him.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Yeah. 

Dean: He's being a good dad for once.

John: Yeah. He’s- and by the way, again, this is not the right choice, he shouldn't have lied to them, he shouldn't have had a plan he didn't tell them, he shouldn’t- he's a control freak. Even in his moment of sacrifice, he's a selfish, alcoholic bastard.

[Laughter]

Dean: That's right.

John: I just wished to make sure nobody makes sure nobody thinks he's being super heroic here. He doesn't really change that much. 

Chris: That’s true.

John: No, and this was fun, we had all different kinds of versions of lockers and found out that yeah, that's how they keep a lot of evidence.

Dean: That’s crazy.

John: That was fun though too, also, you only had two rows of those evidence lockers, so you staggred them to shoot through them to make it look-

Dean: To make it seem like they went on forever.

Chris: Yeah where was that? Where-?

John: That was on set that was- remember the small soundstage we had?

Chris: Oh, ok.

Dean: It was actually a reworking of the set at the end of 207 at the airport. 

John: Yes. It was the airport, but we just moved it over to the other stage. And I also love the idea again- Nate and Sterling are playing a game that just nobody else gets to be a part of. This is just- this is just nine moves ahead guys. 

Dean: Right.

John: There's another version of the show where Katie O'Grady chases Eliot, Parker, and Hardison for an entire season, yeah, but in this version. ‘I can feel you thinking’ he knows him, he knows him that well. He knows the counter move- no, they really dug in here. And by the way, it's 110 degrees on that deck, Tim’s in a peacoat handcuffed to a rail. He's working his ass off here. 

Dean: With the turtleneck.

John: With the turtleneck, yeah. Oh and just the sheer rage Katie O'Grady is radiating there. 

Chris: Now what time- what day- part of the shooting day was this? Did you make-?

John: This was morning.

Chris: This was, like, first thing?

Dean: Yeah, this was the first shot.

Chris: Is that a challenge to do the most emotional thing first?

Dean: It is, and especially because when we started shooting it we were in cloud cover and then halfway through the scene the sun came out. And so then trying to make that all work was really difficult. 

Dean: This, I thought, was surprisingly more emotional than I anticipated when we were there.

John: Well it was weird because when we were there, we couldn't quite get the staging, and they seemed like they were standing really far away. ‘Cause the deck was bigger than we thought.

Dean: Right.

John: And no- well this is the shot because by shooting this way, you get intimate, it feels like they're right on top of them. The other reverse kind of shows you the space.

Chris: I think it also parallels from season one, also-

John: Yeah it does, it does.

Chris: The scene where they’re standing around, really nicely.

Dean: But they're all disappointed in him, which is great. He sacrificing for them, but that's not what they want.

John: No. And he lied to them. And he's- you’re an idiot, I mean, that's really what Eliot’s thinking right there.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: Yeah.

John: Like, ‘You know what? If you just talk to us.; I really never realized how [unintelligible] this episode is. 

Chris: It is.

John: It’s a big hero sacrifice, but it’s- you know he really broke the family. Again.

Chris: Yeah.

Dean: And Gina just nails this scene. I mean, we waited for this kiss for two seasons.

John: Yeah.

Dean: And it comes out, and she's crushed by it. It’s great.

John: Yeah. And again, and- you know this is a big hero moment in his head and she calls him on it. Because she- and this is what's interesting, Sophie Deveraux is a more advanced human being than Nate Ford is at this point. She went away, she took her space-

Chris: Right.

John: You know. 

Dean: And she lets him have it.

John: In the same way he let her have it at the end of season one, she's letting him have it at the end of season two. I love that look, by the way, that Eliot- Chris and Mark really set up the fact that they can't stand each other, really well.

Chris: And here, you know, the relationship between these two kicks in also. 

John: Yeah.

Chris: Between Nate and Sterling.

John: Yeah, the fact that he held it together- and they don't know, by the way. 

Chris: Right.

John: They have no idea when they're leaving.

Dean: That little look with Christian is just great.

John: And there's a camera mount on that helicopter.

Dean: That's been erased.

Chris: That's great.

John: ‘Who the hell is this guy?’ That- this is- you’re right, we wrote the ending first.

Chris: Yeah, I remember, this was-

Dean: He goes, ‘I don’t know.’

John: I remember this was the first thing ever.

Dean: This was the end of the arc. ‘I'm a thief.’

John: ‘And I'm a thief.’ I mean this is a callback to him saying I'm not a thief for two years. 

Dean: Right.

John: Wow. Thank god this is the last episode of the show.

Chris: And we’re not listening- and we can't hear it here in the commentary, but Joe Le Duca did- the orchestration for this is absolutely fantastic.

Dean: It's actually the first time he went and got a real orchestra. 

John: Yeah.

Dean: Went to Salt Lake City and recorded with a real orchestra, and I mean the scale of this is outstanding.

John: It's giant. 35- I think we had close to half a- 50 FBI agents here. And just cars, helicopters, and this is a big- this is a big hero moment, man. This is a film ending, you know.

Dean: Yeah, it really is.

John: This is it. I love his choice here, it's like, ‘And if I die, I'm totally cool with that.’

Chris: Oh here we go.

John: And he's bleeding out, can you see?

Dean: See the blood on the ground.

John: The blood- he's bleeding out. There's no guarantee Nate Ford will make it.

[Laughter]

Chris: Wow.

John: Which was fun actually shooting this, ‘cause Tim really loved this. And two days before we finished shooting, he turned to me and went, ‘Wait am I dead?’

[Laughter]

Chris: Oh that’s something.

Dean: Stay tuned for season three and you'll find out.

John: I know. No kidding, you'll find out.

Dean: Thank you again for hanging in there with us and listening to this commentary.

John: We had a great time and we really appreciate you guys watching the show.

Chris: And thanks again for watching season two; we can't wait to bring you season three.

John: And thank you, Portland.

Dean: Yes.

John: Big thank you, Portland.

[scone-lover]

@findingniamho​

HAHAHAHA thank you so much for this ask!!! ❤️ This is exciting. Honestly the Egghead fight was one of the most entertaining scenes to write. (Coming up with all the puns was an egg-celent time.) Rereading it just now was like an out of body experience 😂 

Link to the original chapter here - passage & commentary below the cut!

So I have to start with how this scene was born. This is a Simon scene. He’s had a couple fight scenes with Vampire, but I wanted to show him off as the superhero of the city. What was he doing before Vampire appeared on the scene? What are his strengths and weaknesses? Despite the scene’s silliness, it’s also one of the first where we start to get a sense of what Mayor Mage is up to. 

So I knew I wanted him to do the typical defending-the-city thing, and showcase him and Penny as the dread companions power duo.

Besides the plot stuff, my main goal was to make this scene as ridiculously, stereotypically comic book-ish as possible. 😂Hence, Egghead the Villain.

Most of the credit for Egghead goes to my friend -- they’re really into DC and helped me with a lot of the plot stuff in this fic and making things semi-realistic. (Every time you read a clever plot point, it was probably them. 😂) For this non-Vampire fight, my friend suggested a gangster who was doing crimes and bribing the police. Hence this exchange--

“Okay, okay, um-- fuck. Did you call the police?” She huffs. “Yes, and I think they’ve been fucking bribed, because they pretended they didn’t even know who Egghead was! Can you believe that?”

I made him a repeat villain because honestly, I just thought it was more compelling that way. They know who he is already, Simon can grumble about him, they have egg-themed quips at the ready, etc. 😂 

As for the name, Egghead. I love how it came together because Simon is a baker, and I was able to work a couple baking jokes in there eventually. But in reality, it was me begging my superhero expert friend (named t below) to help me out with crafting this villain and coming up with some witty exchanges. A transcript of our conversation with the brainstorming and some of the rejects--

t: the gangster has a nickname right? he has to if he’s a supervillain t: make it a gimmick t: like if he has a red outfit call him mr. red or something t: he has a flamethrower and call him dragon (this made it in, later) me: Vampire already has a flamethrower t: they can be forced to fight him together me: Vampire is at home studying bc he’s a NERD t: ok he can be bald and simon can call him egghead me: THANKS I HATE IT t: simon throws him on the ground at the end of the fight - that was over-easy me: I hate you where do you get this shit t: I mean it’s typical superhero stuff t: he wears yellow and white and deals crack me: This fic is so food themed I love it t: that’s your villain. that’s it. t: listen, if the Flash can have an ice skating villain, YOU CAN HAVE EGGHEAD. And he was born.

(And yes, The Flash does have an ice skating villain. AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ICE POWERS.)

Okay, let’s do this! Warning that this is definitely going to go through more than 500 words of the chapter. 😂 

Men dressed in black suits with bright yellow pocket squares. And larger men around the perimeter, wearing grey and holding flashlights. It looks more like a business transaction than anything; there are briefcases and money being passed back and forth, hands being shaken. “Hey!” I call. There are six men, and they all turn to stare at me, and then make a run for it. The flashlight beams dart wildly and I hear a few of them clatter to the floor. Everyone starts yelling at once and looking for an escape.

I basically watched an episode of Brooklyn-99 and crafted the warehouse drug deal based on that. 

“Don’t move. There’s only one exit,” Penny says in my ear. “And you’re standing in front of it.” I stand my ground, but no one comes near me. The suited guys stay slightly behind the muscular ones. Finally, one of them steps forward. “Mage’s Head Boy. Come to tell us off?”

This scene was also an opportunity to have Penny in Simon’s ear! I wanted them to work together more closely than just talking about superhero stuff - I wanted Penny to be invaluable to Simon’s superhero success and in on the action, too. She’s kind of modeled after Oracle from Batman throughout this fic. 

Mage’s Head Boy is a pretty transparent CO reference. 

There are times when I’m grateful for my ability to just have muscles and growl at people and make them disappear, and there are times when I wish I was witty like Vampire. This is definitely the second. I can’t think of a response to that. Luckily, I have a best friend with a head full of wit. “Tell them to fuck off,” Penny says. Then again, maybe not. What would Vampire say? I get hot and frustrated in the face of danger. He seems to get cooler the higher the stakes get. I fall into a fighting stance. “You wish.” The guy takes a step backwards. “But since I can’t bring you to the police, I suppose I’ll just have to teach you a lesson.” “That was good,” Penny says in my ear.

I obviously had to work a bit of Baz jealousy / crushing into this. I like the idea of Penny being super blunt. She’s smart and sometimes witty, but more often she just says it like it is. “Cooler the higher the stakes get” was a direct reference to the similar line in Carry On. With Simon’s last line - this scene was all about showcasing him as a “typical” superhero that you’d find in a comic, fighting a classic comic book villain. So I gave him one of those cheesy lines.

I’m surrounded. There must be fifteen or twenty of them. Eight huge muscular guys, and the rest in suits. They form a loose circle around me. Almost all of them wield knives, but I don’t see any guns so far.

I knew from the outset I wanted this to be a one-against-many fight. At this point in the story I’d set up a good dynamic for Blade vs Vampire, but not so much Blade vs. other city threats. What makes him a trustworthy hero? Simon’s origin story is that he got news attention by fighting off a group - so putting him in this group fight setting was a chance for him to shine.

A man steps out from the shadows. He’s bald, with a straight, dark mustache, and he’s wearing a pristine white suit and a shirt the colour of an egg yolk. “Egghead,” I say in what I hope is a threatening tone. The name sounds absurd. I’m glad the mask covers my mouth, because I don’t think I can keep a straight face. Penny coughs. Benedict Eggerton, better known as Egghead, is a drug lord who wears yellow and deals… crack. (I know.) (He got into crime early; his parents were poachers.) (Okay, I made that one up. I can’t help it.) I put him in jail earlier this year, but he escaped and fled north.

I was laughing so hard while writing this. You can see in the text exchange above where the suit and nickname came from. I was trying to come up with what his first name might be (my first idea was Sunny). I was so amused when I finally thought of Benedict. 😂 The poachers line is also from my friend T, and the “north” is a reference to Scotland, which comes back later as the Scotch Egg joke.

I draw my weapon, trying to look as menacing as possible. “I remember your blade being bigger,” he says, eyeing my kitchen knife. “Is it too cold for you in here?”

PFFFFFT I LOVE THIS JOKE okay so. I originally made Simon forget his sword because I thought the fight would be too easy - and going back to what I said above, he’s kind of returning to his “roots” with this fight - that spark he has that makes him a hero. And then I wrote the line “I remember your blade being bigger.” TO BE CLEAR, this was not originally intended as an innuendo. 

And then my friend said something like ‘he should turn up the heating in this warehouse then’, and I was like OH DING DING DING PENIS JOKE! 😂I’m oblivious sometimes. I’m glad I realized in time because this is honestly one of my favorite villain lines I’ve ever written.

I really, really wanted to give the “too cold” line to Vampire. It would be perfect for him. But Simon always has his normal sword with Vamp, so Egghead it was. And he instantly became an icon. 😂 

I twirl the knife between my fingers. “I can crack you anyway.” “Good effort,” Penny whispers. “But a bit rough on the delivery. 'Take a crack at you' might have been better...” “Sword or no sword,” I continue, “you’ll be an egg wash by the end of this.” “What?” Penny says. “Is that a baking reference?” Egghead cracks his knuckles, and his men rush me.

Much like Penny does later in the scene, I had a tab open of egg-related words up while writing this. I had to work in the baking reference. But a terrible one. There’s a French term for whisking eggs that basically translates to “beating eggs into snow” - and I wish it was a thing in English, because, you know, Simon Snow. Oh well. 😂 

I Google a list of ways to make eggs. Simon needs to win this fight, but more importantly, he needs to get some egg-themed one-liners in there to show them who’s boss. Chances like this don’t come around very often. 

Listen, Penny is very dedicated. I love the idea of heroes just being quick-witted and coming up with these ridiculous quips on demand. But ultimately, I thought it was funnier - and more in character for Penny - to do this. (Even though her Superhero name is Quickwit, oops.) She has the world of Google at her disposal. Egg puns may not seem important, but superhero image and reputation is half the battle.

Simon is being attacked from all angles, but he fights like a whirlwind. The bulky guys attack first, mostly with their fists. Simon kicks their legs out from under them. He throws them across the floor like they weigh nothing. “Behind you!” I say. Simon spins around and disarms the man behind him, twisting his arm, and I hear a shout through my earbuds. He grabs the guy’s knife and kicks him in the stomach, sending him sprawling. Simon Snow faces fifteen men with nothing but two knives, looking like he’s ready to explode.

I loved writing this from Penny’s POV. I am used to writing fight scenes from the POV of the person fighting, so this was definitely a cool challenge. It’s part of why I brought Penny into the scene in the first place - so I could show Simon in third person. Almost like we’re watching a movie and getting some overhead shots. From his POV, you don’t realize quite how awesome he is. So getting to showcase him like this was really fun.

I still have to wonder how Shepard knew… well, everything. 

Don’t tell anyone but I didn’t know yet either

“He’s Scottish,” I tell Simon. “Scotch Egg.”

I know. This one’s bad.

He’s a blur of gold and white in motion. He throws his knife—I have no idea where he learned to do that—and it embeds itself in one of the men’s legs. He rolls across the floor, picking up two more discarded knives.

I don’t do a ton of plotting/outlining with fight scenes, but one thing I decide in advance is where and how everyone gets hurt. I didn’t want Simon to win the fight too easily, but I did need to injure him somehow. So it wouldn’t be too easy, but also to serve as a counterpoint to the socks thing later.

I watched a lot of action sequences to write this fic, especially with the trickier one vs. many scenes. 

Simon tosses him like a sack of flour.

Couldn’t resist the baker!Simon reference.

“Hard or soft boiled,” I whisper. “Which way is it gonna be, Egghead? Hard or soft boiled?” Simon shouts. He whispers to me, “That was stupid.” Egghead raises an eyebrow. “Last chance to leave us alone, Blade.” I consult my list of egg dishes. “Give up before you get scrambled.” Simon twirls his blades. I love it when he does that; he looks like Deadpool. “It’s your last chance to surrender before you get scrambled.”

I loved the hard or soft boiled line at first. And then I wrote it down and said it out loud, just to check, and it sounded SO DUMB. 😂I almost took it out, but then figured—Simon is probably not going to think this through, either.

Maybe the Deadpool line was a bit on the nose here, but I wanted to give readers some really vivid imagery of what Simon looks like right now with these dual wicked blades kitchen knives.

“I prefer my eggs… poached,” he says. 

Even though Egghead has turned out to be quite a serious villain—there are guns, drugs, and a backstory—he is, after all, original master of the egg puns. He would never turn down this opportunity.

Egghead scrambles (ha) to his feet

I think Penny is just me in this.

“Over-easy,” I whisper.

“That was over-easy,” he says.

Not my best. But it had to be in there.

I’ll skip the serious bits, since the plot there is pretty self-explanatory, to this:

I wish he’d asked what we serve, because I have so many egg puns at the ready. Eggs-ecution. Hash-ing out justice. Karma served hard.  

My beta ashspren gave me this line, and I could not be more grateful. Imagine the chapter without this. It would be a shame.

Here are a few egg puns that didn’t make the cut, SADLY:

You're washed out, egghead

*Egghead gets angry* hey, it was just a yolk

I had to go "beat" some eggs

*uppercut* Sunny side UP!

I'll bash in your Eggnoggin’

Some people are just bad eggs

Sorry this is so long—this has been a purely self-indulgent experience. Thanks so much for this ask, I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you like it! ❤️ 

[sleepykittypaws]

Jingle Bell Bride

Original Air Date: October 24, 2020 (Hallmark) Where to Watch?: Hallmark will replay it multiple times this season, and for every season in perpetuity, and it’s also available for a limited time on the Hallmark Channel Everywhere app with a cable login

So, here's the thing…October 24 is way too early to watch Christmas movies. Even for me.

I knew that, yet did it anyway, because we came across a Hallmark commercial that made my son say, 'Why can't it be Christmas right now?' and I said, 'Well, we could watch a Christmas movie.' And he said yes, which is rare these days, so we did. 

And, yeah, I was right, it's too early. Because part of what makes Christmas movies so special to me is that they're a little rare—siloed into a certain time of year and not something I do every day. Your mileage may vary, and no judgement (sincerely) if you're a year-round viewer, but I enjoy my holiday movies at least a little closer to Christmas, so do wish I’d waited to watch this in November.

All that having been said…Jingle Bell Bride. I was really looking forward to this one after Hallmark's initial preview, and Ronnie Rowe Jr. and Julie Gonzalo did not disappoint. Both are incredibly charming and engaging actors, and I hope we see more of them on Hallmark. (Gonzalo has been in a few other things, like Falling for Vermont, but Rowe, best known for Star Trek: Discovery, is new to the network.)

They had a genuine spark between them and Gonzalo, in particular, really is a perfect Hallmark heroine, as she does earnest with a side of quirky very well. 

Also, can't let it go by without noting that this is Hallmark's first-ever interracial lead holiday romance and, frankly, it's about damn time. It's 2020 and that this is even still a question is, frankly, both infuriating and depressing. But we're here now, and I hope it continues. 

They also wrote Gonzalo, who was born in Argentina, as a Latina character, and the actress has shared publicly how much this meant to her. Hallmark has a heck of a lot of ground to make up in terms of its (lack of) diversity, so thank goodness they're finally making slow but steady progress. Please, keep it up.

Gonzalo and Rowe's charm and chemistry really carried this story of a wedding planner tasked with finding a special flower for a famous bride's bouquet that only grows in Alaska which…Huh? You know, Alaska, known for its abundant fields of flowers and lengthy growing season. 

But, just go with it. Gonzalo's up-for-the-big-promotion, Type-A planner is off to the tiny town of "Tapeesa," for what she says will be a 20-hour round trip, but we all know will definitely be a lot longer than that.

The meet cute at the airport for once, actually is, and I really wish we'd seen more of that type of banter throughout the film because it was genuinely fresh and a little funny and Gonzalo and Rowe can for sure pull it off.

Anyway, then we get another instance of a giant truck getting stuck in 1" of "snow" (common in these movies), where they're careful not to fully show the name of the vehicle, cause pretty sure no brand wants to be associated with being stymied by two shovelfuls of shaved ice. And, would you look at that, she's missed her flight, who could have predicted it? (Entire audience raises their hand.)

After determining there's no inn or even a B&B in the small town, she stays in Aunt Mary's guest room. Mary also happens to have a guest house out back that Rowe lives in. For small town florists this family is doing pretty well for themselves. Why, it's almost like the widowed Mary's personal home is big enough to be a B&B, right down to the numbers she keeps on her bedroom doors…as one does. (Oops.)

Also, I've either seen way too many Hallmark movies, or Hallmark needs to get some fresh Vancouver location scouts—probably a bit of both. Because I think the "Tapeesa, Alaska" airport is Marcus Rosner's helicopter bachelor pad from Yes, I Do and downtown Tapeesa looks suspiciously like "Evergreen," a.k.a. the Burnaby Village Museum. And I know the scene outside the festival dance was shot in the same park as last year's A Blue Ridge Mountain Christmas (among others), thanks to a distinctive rock grouping that Hallmark really likes to cover in fake snow.

It is not Jingle Bell Bride's fault that all these familiar locations kept taking me out of the story, but given how loyal Hallmark's viewer base is—a heck of a lot of folks watch way more of these movies than I do—it might be time to broaden the location horizons a bit, as there's a bit of a high school play set feeling to how frequently these spots are recycled in movie after movie on the same network.

Anyway, after several aborted airport trips, where Rowe genuinely managed to make silently carrying the styrofoam coolers full of flowers in and out of the airport repeatedly a good gag, Gonzalo settles in to enjoy, and help plan, the town's Jingle Bell festival, of which she's named princess.

There's a pretty cute dance, and a scene where Gonzalo watches the Northern Lights with Rowe in the back of his truck. Hallmark has had far, far worse special effects, and, given a limited budget, think they did fine with the Lights’ look, even adding a few CGI breath puffs to simulate cold in this July-shot movie, but do wish we'd gotten a kiss here, rather than a shoulder bump.

It's a new era at Hallmark, so let's make grown adults kissing at least once before they fly across the country to spend their lives together the norm. Please? (And, yes, it could have been a COVID thing, but there is a kiss at the end, and the also-pandemic-filmed, G-rated Sweet Autumn last week had more one kiss, but, as usual, I digress.)

After Gonzalo wows the town, the mayor gets her a special flight and she makes it back in time for Donna Benedicto's big star wedding, which is kind of a dud. Really wish they'd given Benedicto's character more to do. Make her more of a demanding diva to add a little humor and fun. Instead, she just seems like a very minor, very understanding side character, and not at all the big star they tell us she is. And how did Hallmark hire Lillian Lim to play Benedicto's mom at the wedding and not even give her a line!? (We'll see Lim again this season as the mother in Lifetime's A Sugar and Spice Holiday, opposite Tzi Ma.)

Honestly, the whole wedding scene baffled me, as I'm shocked Hallmark hired all those people, and went to all the trouble to film it, for less than five minutes of screen time. Not really typical for the budget-conscious net, and left me wondering what got left in the editing room, and why. Also, that bouquet is not made of the same flowers we see Rowe cutting at the beginning of the movie, so what are we even doing here, Hallmark?

Did really like that, for once, the guy left his small town to join the heroine in the big city. Plus, Gonzalo passed on the promotion, but didn't quit her job. And they didn’t vow eternal love to each other either, just ‘Hey, let’s start dating.’ I mean, in the Hallmark universe, these are actually earth-shattering shake-ups to the status quo. Plus, we didn't even celebrate Christmas in this movie, which ends right after the wedding we were told was on Christmas Eve. Again, all epic paradigm shifts to the formula.

In the end, I liked this movie just fine, but I could have loved it with a little more of the witty dialogue these two actors did so well, a zanier side plot from the bride, more machinations from the conniving coworker, and tiny bit more overt romance in Alaska.

Final Judgement: 3 Paws up with a sincere hope that this isn’t a one off and Hallmark really is changing

[voyageviolet]

Just for the hell of it, I’m going to post the responses I’ve been writing for the Great Homestuck Reread.

DAY 1

I could have sworn I wrote something for this day, but apparently no??? Weird.

DAY 2, PAGES 127-247

Favorite Panel: John: Scold TT

This one's just cute to me.

Favorite Pesterlog: John: Answer chums.

Rose is being high-and-mighty about the FAQs while John panics about impending doom; meanwhile Dave is talking to himself about planet fucking Jupiter. These kids are a disaster.

Favorite Flash: S: John: Take a bite of the apple.

There's not a lot of competition for "favorite flash" in these pages, but I do think it's a great way for the story to really get started with a sense of urgency.

Missed Moments: Not much, but is that oil on Rose's wall? And I've never noticed John's shirt changing color.

Today's Question - Is Act 1 actually bad or are people just not giving it a chance?

I think Act 1 is great, but I didn't the first time I read it. It takes a while to get past the initial "What the fuck am I reading" response, what with the captchaloging and the cruxtruding and the other fake words. I started reading and gave up twice before I finally buckled down and decided, "I am going to find out what the deal is with the candy corn horns I'm seeing everywhere if it kills me." But if you decide to just relax and enjoy the ride, Act 1 is a lot of fun. It's just frustrating for the people who've been sold on Homestuck being this great epic adventure to have to get through the kids screwing around in the beginning.

DAY 3, PAGES 248-384

Favorite Panel: Dave's little gasp here. ~SO COOL~

Favorite Pesterlog: And here we have the first example of two of the gayest kids in Homestuck calling each other gay. These two are so much alike in their mostly-playfully-adversarial ways; they crack me up.

Favorite Flash: [S] YOU THERE. BOY. I'm the kind of RPG gamer that walks around and talks to every NPC and checks every little corner for items or info, so the walkaround flashes are always especially fun for me.

Missed Moments: -In the [S] YOU THERE. BOY. flash, WV knows who John Cusack is, as if he's some kind of universal constant.

-When I first read Homestuck, I didn't expect this quote to be referenced again: "You wonder if this rain will ever let up. It's driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knows to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threads these strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it fears impossible to play. And so it threads on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton. "

-And for something I missed this time around: Does anyone know what songs used to be on the [S] on page 338? There's still "Harlequin" and "John do the windy thing," but some have been removed, probably for copyright reasons. (If you're not sure what I mean, click the four corner buttons on that page.)

Today's Question - Who was truly at fault in the Rose/Mom pseudo-imaginary feud?

I talked a bit about this yesterday, but to simplify: It's Mom's fault, simply due to the fact that she's the parent. It's the parent's responsibility to engage with their child in a way that the child can understand and appreciate. Mom reacted to Rose in an overbearing way that had more to do with her own feelings than her child's feelings. For example, when young Rose asked her mom to have a funeral for her cat, she wasn't asking for an elaborate permanent monument; she was asking for help saying goodbye to a friend and coping with that loss. In spite of what I assume to be her best intentions, Mom failed to provide that. Their house is filled with this sort of elaborate expression of affection that completely fails to provide any real emotional connection.

Let me state for the record that Roxy is one of my favorite characters in Homestuck, but she's the version of the character who managed to pull herself together and support the people she cares about. For whatever reason, Mom is the version who didn't.

DAY 4, 385-509

Favorite Panel: ==> I forgot about this one, but John flying around the room with the pogo and the shaving cream is still hilarious.

Favorite Pesterlog: Dave: Pester Rose. The first crack in the cool kid's facade.

Favorite Flash: [S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door. This is SO dramatic, what with the "empty suicide threat" and the "ironic negligence," and yet it's presented in such a cartoonish "lol whatever" manner. I wish we got more detail about their relationship at some point in the story - something like Dave's introspection and his interaction with Dirk - because this flash presents a pretty bleak picture.

Missed Moments: -From page 404's commentary: "Also, I like how WV is now helping out with the Con Air references through his terminal commands. He shows a striking ability to adapt to and participate in running gags. He is the type of guy who just "gets it", you know?" I definitely didn't pick up on this before. It's hard to pinpoint the places where the commands stop being authorial input and start being characters' input.

-424's commentary: "Judging by the commands, WV is just as caught up in the story as John is. Let's agree this is adorable." Definitely adorable, but I wonder, does WV know at this point that this is the story he was already caught up in?

-447: "There's the PUPPET CHEST he stores LIL' CAL in when he takes him out on gigs." BRO TAKES LIL CAL ON GIGS. LIKE GIGS IN PUBLIC? THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE WHO'S NOT A TRAPPED 13 YEAR OLD WOULD EVER ENTERTAIN THE IDEA THAT VENTRILOQUIST RAPPING COULD BE COOL. BRO WOULD GET DESTROYED ONSTAGE.

I always assumed that the puppet thing was exclusively online, but it sounds like Bro's life may be weirder than I ever realized - which is pretty fucking weird to begin with.

Today's Question - Is WV really just a one note joke character? No, I don't think he is. Every character in Homestuck is a joke to some degree, but that doesn't make them flat. WV has an emotional journey and narrative development that starts with his his silly obsession with eating green things, evolves through flashbacks of his rebellion against a corrupt monarchy and his friendship with PM&co, and ends with him starting (what seems to be) an egalitarian democracy on new Earth. He also serves to explain to the audience what happened to the old, now abandoned Earth without resorting to boring exposition.

Plus he's adorable and everyone loves him, so there's that.

Bonus Question - WHAT'S YOUR POGO MINIGAME HIGH SCORE???? Yeah I can't say I spent much time on that, but I did enjoy the song.

DAY 5, PAGES 510-644

Didn't get time to respond to this yesterday, oops. I'll make this quick.

Favorite Panel: Vaulthalla, baby.

Favorite Pesterlog: Rose: Answer Dave. Still love these kids, and the fact that Rose makes up a poem on the spot is pretty impressive.

Favorite Flash: Well, there's only the one, so...

Missed Moments: None this time.

Today's Question - Which of the items in your house would you combine to make a cool weapon? I'm gonna be a dumb nerd and admit that I'd like to see what I could make with some anime figures. I've always thought that umbrellakind was kind of fun, so why not mix animu figures with that. Like, a Sailor Moon figma with an umbrella could make a cute cheesy magical girl wand. I also have an old biting pear statue that I'm sure could make some interesting things.

DAY 6, PAGES 645-759

Favorite Panel: Democracy. The deadpan faux-seriousness combined with WV's cuteness is just delightful.

*Favorite Pesterlog: * There really weren't any of note in this section. This day's all about WV.

Favorite Flash: WV: Ascend. I've always found the longer flash videos a bit confusing; there are so many things happening at once. Damn if they aren't fascinating, though.

Missed Moments: -Page 721: "All of the chess moves were copied exactly from a famous game played by Bobby Fischer. I forget which one exactly, but it was super famous among dudes who bone tight up on their chess." Never would've guessed that. For some reason, it never even occurred to me that these would be valid chess moves rather than WV just throwing things around. -"The station's terminal is meant to "control" the client player of the kid whose house once existed where that station is. So WV's station, which was in Rose's location, gives commands to John, because John is Rose's client player, and she commands his game similarly. And the apple station commands Jade, because she'll be John's client player, etc. Did you realize this?" NOPE

Today's Question - What would WV's classpect be? Mayor of Can? I dunno, I've never spent much time on classpect theorizing. It's too complicated and too heavily based on speculation for me.

DAY 7, PAGES 760-885

Favorite Panel: Jade's holographic computer. Her life is ridiculous and otherworldly. Seeing the crazy things that are a mundane part of her reality is pretty great.

Favorite Pesterlog: A rare Jade-Rose pesterlog. Best appreciate these when you can.

Favorite Flash: [S] Rose: Ascend. There are a lot of fight scenes in this section, but this one is the most fun, and the one involving the least amount of child abuse.

Missed Moments: -"I wonder which troll named her Farmstink? Do trolls even have farms? Maybe they call them musclebeast pastures." It never even occurred to me that it was the trolls typing in names. I just thought of it as reader input.

-"With the (playable!) FRESHJAMZ playlist, we are provided with the implication that these are all songs produced by the kids collaboratively. Their icons indicate who was involved with the songs. Just another sign earlier in the story that these kids have some musical talent and this is the sort of thing they do with their spare time." I don't think I ever noticed everyone's icons next to songs, or if I did I didn't put it together that they were the ones making this music.

-"It's almost as if Bro is training him to face the last boss. Or it would be if last boss had the slightest thing to do with this creepy puppet, which of course is preposterous." Never connected those dots.

Today's Question - Is early Jade a good character? Why or why not?

Yes, on the grounds that she is precious and delightful.

More seriously, though, I think she's as good of a character as any of the kids, but she doesn't get as much narrative attention or development as I'd like towards the end of the comic. Early Jade, though, is arguably in the most fucked up situation out of all of the kids: Her grandfather took her to a deserted island and died when she was very young, leading Jade to assume he committed suicide, and leaving her with the responsibility of emptying out his innards to taxidermy his body (?!?). Ok, there's no way that last part ever could have been played straight, but the point remains that Jade has had to grow up in a pretty bleak and lonely situation, but she remains unfailingly positive and friendly. She's never had any hope of leaving her island and interacting with the rest of her planet before the game destroys it, but by watching the clouds on Prospit and by enjoying her friendships, she stays happy and hopeful. I can't see that as anything but impressive.

[lamiaward]

Celebrity au

I don’t own OUAT. I kind of skipped the first day of SQ week- I had test week, oops- so I decided to write this now.

Features: Regina who is a closet dork and Emma Swan fan, Henry who still steals credit cards and runs away (to the celebrity he has decided can help) and Ruby, who feels blessed when she learns Mayor-scary-Mills is a Star Wars loving dork.

Dear miss Swan ( my mom told me to call you that. Can I say Emma? Miss Swan is weird) My name is Henry. I am almost eleven. I really like pizza and hot chocolate and watching star wars marathons with my mom( even if I sometimes suspect her favourite is Darth vader , and he is the villain). Anyways, I don’t think my mom is good at liking people. She is the mayor, so she is sort of good at charming them? I think. Maybe it is just because she is scary. She is really good at glaring at townspeople that infuriate her. But I am writing this, because I hoped you could stop by. You sometimes do that, right- I read an article a while back about you secretly visiting that orphanage after they wrote to you. After I had wrestled it from mom’s hand. And I know you probably did it because the people at the orphanage do not have a family; they needed you. But I need you too, because my mom isn’t happy. She pretends to, but she really isn’t. And it all sucks. I think it would suck less if you just visit. Reading about you always makes mom smile and I know it would mean the world to both of us if you showed up.

Henry Mills

He has not actually told his mom what he has put in the letter. He has discussed writing it with her and they had sat at the couch, laughing as they came up with things to put in there. He had wanted to tell Emma a lot about how mom likes star wars so much that she dressed as Leia once and how she is weirdly great at going voices and how she has read even more comics than he has -but mom reached for his hand and sounded kind of panicked when she said “no!”. Her “ this is your letter, sweetheart. You do not have to make it all about me” had sounded like a partial lie.

Because yes, he was slowly starting to relearn that his mom would, in fact, do anything from threatening to destroy his teacher to frightening a bully’s parents to the point where he was forced to tearfully apologize, but there was also more going on than her just being overprotective.

Anyways, he had agreed to leave out the anecdotes about mom after a passionate discussion that ended with mom winning- he still maintains it is kind of cheating, considering it is her job to convince people she is right- and pretended to not have an ulterior motive at all. He would feel guilty – yeah, okay he still does a little – for omitting Important information but really, he figures he is allowed to after she did so for his entire life. So that is how he started writing the letter- his bin is now filled with proof letters because his mom is a perfectionist and he might have inherited that- and after his mom and he had spent a fun evening working on it, he had gone to Ruby for the bits that his mom couldn’t know about until stage six.

He reads it again, glances at Ruby. “What do you think? “  he asks, then frowns. He hesitantly grabs her arm and shakes her. “Ruby? Are you- are you okay? “.

“The mayor is a star wars fan?”.

“ Well duh. She sometimes throws star wars quotes in the conversation” he rolls his eyes. “ She uses ‘the idiocy is strong with this one” a lot”

When Ruby continues to stare at him like she has just wound up in an alternate universe, he adds “ it is a variation on ‘the force is strong in this one’. Get it? She always uses it after someone has been particularly inept”.

“Wait” Ruby slowly seems to recover, which is good because he actually needs her to function properly for operation Cobra “ was she actually quoting darth vader when she told me that she ‘found my lack of professionalism disturbing’  ?”.

“ Probably” he smiles happily. “ So you have seen it too?”

“ I used to have a girlfriend who really liked it” Ruby shakes her head. Henry kind of wants to ask her whether she is ill : she has a really weird expression right now. “ Oh my god. Your mother is a dork , isn’t she?”

“ We do not use that word” he tells her, frowning.

“ Oh my god, what else is she a nerd about it?”.

“ Does it matt-“.

“Yes” Ruby leans forward. “ Your mother’s uptightness and general haughtiness as well as the way she looks in her I-have-authority outfits means no one would know she is secretly a giant dork.  Do you have any idea how great it is to discover all that coolness is just a façade?”.

“ Do not call my mom uptight! Or haughty. And what does the last thing even mean?”.

“I am not going to explain or your mother would send like daleks after me”.

“ The daleks are not assassins. And they would immediately attempt to kill mom if they saw her. They- “.

“So you have watched Doctor Who together. What else?”.

He sighs. “ Ruby, I do not have a lot of time for this. Can we focus on what is import-“.

“But I need to know more! Like, does she have a wand or a lightsabre? Do you guys duel”

“Sometimes. Mom is weirdly good at it and super competitive. Now , can we go back to the operation?”.

Ruby sighs. “ Fine. But I want the scoop later”.

“ I am not going to rat on my mom”.

She smiles and wiggles her fingers. “Not even for a hot chocolate with cinnamon?”.

“ Really? That is all you got? “.

“ The new captain America”.

“ Nope”.

“ The- “.

“ Ruby, I am not a traitor, okay? So really, you could offer me the Arkenstone and it wouldn’t be enough”.

“ Well, yeah because you would probably want something like .. like.. something with books. Words”. “ The library of Alexandria?” Henry offers, because that would definitely be something he is willing to do a lot for. Not ratting out his mom though.

“ You truly are your mother’s child, dork. “.

“ I just really appreciate the fact that some people invented the basics of our entire civilization and I think it is awful that important knowledge – including stuff like Greek fire which would have been so epic- is lost. But is the letter okay?”.

Ruby takes the letter from him and reads it one last time. She smiles at him. “ Yeah. I think it is pretty great”.

His mother’s fears almost come true as he barrelled down the stairs and only just caught himself as he tripped over the shoe he had left there earlier. Ignoring his pounding heart and the slight ache from where he had slammed his hand in the baluster, he jumped the last few chairs and ripped open the door.

He nearly tore the letter as well as he opened the envelope, glancing at the kitchen. His mom still did not know exactly what he been telling Emma in those letters. He hesitated for a moment, please don’t disappoint this time, and finally started reading the letter.

It held another gift, a new one. But the signature was the same and the words were pretty general as well. Thank you so much for your kind letter, I wish you the best. He crumpled it and threw it at the floor, crushing it beneath his foot. His socks did not do much to the paper. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, then glanced at the kitchen again. He could hear a pan clatter, presumably falling to the floor.

She has been weird today. He can see she tries very hard to listen to his chatter and that she wants to hear about it, but she keeps losing attention. He used to get so mad whenever he had to repeat things on days like this, used to think his mother was just thinking about work – like that was more important than him. Used to hurt himself thinking that she didn’t care as much, because he wasn’t her real son. Now, he thinks it is something else entirely. He just doesn’t know what is going on, just feels like there is something wrong and she needs help that she will stubbornly refuse forever.

I know it is not really obvious, but I know something is going on. That she isn’t ha- I am not giving up on you, mom. I will help you.

It is that stubborn, consuming thought of need to help her need her to be okay something is wrong I can’t hurt her again that finally makes him silence what he thinks of as the Jiminy cricket in his mind, and just execute the rather ingenious – if illegal and kind of horrible- plan. It really is his mother’s wellbeing and not just his slight worship of the famous Emma Swan that brings him to stea borrow- he is totally going to find a way to repay her- credit card and get to Boston where he knows she is staying for the moment. The fan site gives the address of a hotel as her stay, but Henry knows better

It is just a decoy. She might have been there for the evening, but she is definitely not staying the night. He is lucky that knows someone who knows Emma’s bodyguard or he would have probably never found her. Now, he is standing in front of that bodyguard with his most charming, dimpled smile- the one that even destroys his mom’s iron resistance.

“ Where are your parents?”.

“ Mom. She couldn’t come. She is very busy” he says, pretending to be sad for a moment before giving the guard a small grin and waving the items in his face. “ She gave me some things to have signed for her though “ it is one of his mom’s favourite pictures of Emma. She is kind of sweaty and gross, but there is a shy, radiant smile as she holds up the trophy. It is the shawl he nearly always wears. It is the crudely sculpted cup he made for her ages ago.

The guard hesitates, then nods. As soon as he is turned, Henry allows himself to exhale shakily and show the fear and doubt on his face for a moment. He is grinning again by the time the guard knocks on the door and it opens.

Emma Swan leans against the door, in her usual red jacket and with a tank top and dark jeans. She looks at him, then at the guard. “ Thanks Alec. Have a good nightshift”.

The guard nods. “ Thank you miss Swan”

Emma grimaces. “ I told you, don’t call me that. It is weird”.

“That is exactly what I told my mom” Henry pipes in, grinning.

Emma chuckles.  “Well, that’s smart “ she steps aside. “ Come in – Henry, was it?”

“ Yeah” he turns towards the guard.  “Thank you Alec!” the dude grins and offers him a fist.  “Take care, little man” and Henry pumps it before darting inside. He immediately asks the question that has been on his mind ever since he heard that the operation was a go. “ Not that I don’t think it’s super cool, but do you always listen when your guards ask you to accept fans to visit?”.

Emma chuckles. “ Actually, that was Ruby”.

“ Ruby? But she said- “ he frowns. “ She said that Alec was an old friend that could get you to agree to a meeting”.

Emma leans against the fridge, smirks a little.  “ Well, it is completely possible that Alec has fallen for Ruby’s unique charm , but it was me she actually asked”.

He clenches his fist a little. Liars, everywhere. “ But why did she lie?”.

Emma shrugs. She looks slightly awkward.  “To protect me, possibly. She was my girlfriend and I am a private person. She might have thought you would accidentally out me”.

“ Wow. She was your girlfriend?” Emma rubs her neck.  “Well, yeah sort of? But I am not going to fully explain, because your mom will possibly kill me if I accidentally give you like The Talk”.

Henry is too stuck on ‘girlfriend’ to really listen to the rest of what Emma is saying. “ That is so cool!” . He giggles.  “if mom knew, she would probably never smile at Ruby again”.

“ Uh why is that, kid?”.

He grins. “ She would be super jealous”.

Emma relaxes and laughs. “ Would she?”.

He nods.  “Totally” he lowers his voice. “ I am not supposed to tell you, but she is weird about you. This one time, mom was on the phone and I was watching you on ninja warrior and she walked into the couch’.

“ Well, I am glad I made an impression”.

He nods sagely. “ You did” he skips towards the fridge. “ Do you have juice?”. “ Sure. Just- “

He takes the package from the fridge, tries to reach the cupboard. He hears her chuckle. “ You can drink from the carton”.

He stares at it. “ Are you sure? It seems kind of unhygienic”.

“ Yeah. It is nearly empty anyways”.

He shrugs and greedily finishes the carton before wiping his mouth and grinning. He offers her the items, she looks around with narrowed eyes before she looks at him.  

“ Do you maybe have a –“.

He hands her the fountain pen. It is the special one, the one mom gave him when everything still sucked and she finally broke and tried to get him to smile at her again by giving him an amazingly beautiful leather notebook and a matching pen. Emma doesn’t all of that though, which is probably why she teases him a little.

He merely shrugs and semi-casually says “ My mom gave it to me. She is supportive of one of my dreams”.

“ One of them?”. “ I have several. One of them is to become a writer”.

Emma nods as she scribbles on the items. “ What kind of books are you going to write?”.

“I am not sure yet. I have several ideas though, am already working on characters”.

She smiles and he knows that she is not just pretending to be nice, that is not the rare person that has the guts to try to get close to his mom and thinks he is the way to do it, nor any of the townspeople who patronize him and privately think his ambitions will change. “ Well, give me a call or something when you get published, okay?” his jaw hurts from grinning and he nods.

He accepts the items, clutching them in his hands. He is slightly terrified, but he steels himself and his voice barely trembles. “ Yeah. Ehm Emma?”.

“ Yes?”.

“ Thank you so much for this” he shows her the items. Do not forget to be polite, Corazon he hears his mom’s voice say. I am going to make sure you’re okay, I am going to apologize that way he thinks back. “ There is just- I really need your help”.

Emma looks confused. “ with what?”.

He swallows. “ D-do you remember my letters?”.

She crosses her arms, drags her foot over the floor. “ No, so- I don’t always read every single one. I try- but I am – “ she falters, throwing him a sad look. He immediately forgives her, partly because he understands.

“ that’s okay. Anyways, my letters- my mom is not okay. And I- “ he swallows.  “I really need your help”.

“ I don’t- kid, I am a total stranger”.

“ I know”.

“ Your mother might occasionally watch me on TV , but she doesn’t really know me- “

“ I know”

“ and doesn’t she have like friends or I don’t know, like a – “.

“ she doesn’t want to admit something is wrong” Emma pales and freezes for a moment, then hesitantly approaches and kneels, at the sight of the tears that embarrass him slightly. “ Hey, kid- “.

“She is hiding it. But- I know. I can feel it. And – she sometimes has these weird mood swings. Not around me- she always orders Kathryn to pick me up and says it is just because she has a meeting- but with the people from the court sometimes, or Rubes. And she sometimes locks herself into her office- for work, she says. But there is not even paperwork around her then! And- “ her chokes a little. “ Please. “.

Emma hesitates for a moment, then nods. “ Okay. I will check it out”.

Henry regains some of his usual cheeriness during the ride home. It is easier to believe everything will be fine when he has the bravest- apart from his mom- and strongest woman in the car next to him. He presses the signed picture, shawl and mug against him and grins. It is going to be okay.

It is not.

His mom’s voice breaks as she runs towards him, tugging him into his arms and holding him there for several moments. He can feel her tremble slightly. “ Henry- where were you? “.

He smiles at her. It hurts, you have hurt her. Again, but he is going to make her smile in the next second so he can weather it. He points at Emma. He thinks of people in films dying in slow motion. Her eyes widen, slowly. Her breath catches, suddenly. She swallows.

“ Miss Swan?” her voice is higher than usual.

Emma smiles and exhales a shy “Hi “.

His mom gapes at her. “ Why- how” she glances at Henry. “ Henry?” .

“ I found her, for you “ he smiles at her.  “She is going to make it all better”.

He thinks back to these awful pre-discovery months, and the hurt she must have hidden behind anger. “ There is no need. Everything is fi- “.

“ No it isn’t! And you should stop pretending it is” his voice cracks, he blinks furiously.

He grabs her hand. “ Mom” he wants to say “I am sorry” and scream at her for not trusting him at the same time. He wants to ask what is going on, while at the same time he is terrified of discovering what exactly is hurting her. He wants things to seem simple again, but he knows he can’t.

She kneels next to him, starts to reach for him. She gives him plenty of time to shrug away, to push her away like had been a carefully practised motion for months. Instead, he sinks into the hug and sobs once. “ I just want you to be happy” he says.

“ Oh Henry- I am. How could I not, with a son like you? “she whispers. She may be crying. She pulls back after a minute, touches his chin briefly before straightening. Her hand rests on his shoulder and he leans against her as she talks to Emma. “ Miss-“.

“ Emma” he can hear her clear her throat. Is he imagining the slight tremble? “ Please call me Emma”.

“ Very well. Emma- can I offer you a glass of the best apple cider you have ever tasted?”.

He opens his eyes just in time to see his mom nervously brush her hair behind her ear and Emma blush as she smiles. “That would be- “ she glances at him. “ I would ask for something stronger, but the kid is there”.   His mom arches her brow. She almost doesn’t seem nervous anymore ( she totally is though). “ That is- probably wise”.

“ Yeah “ his mom stares at the flush on Emma’s cheek. Emma stares back at mom’s mouth – she is probably waiting for her to stop staring and start speaking again like he is. Finally, he decides they’re both hopeless and he really wants to stop freezing outside.

“ So….” He grins at the both of them. “ Hot chocolate?”.

He does not get hot chocolate. He gets an admonishment, several weeks without comments and a ‘go to bed, immediately young man”. He pouts and gives his best puppy dog eyes but his mom is unrelenting this night. She mellows a little (though she mostly tries to pretend like she doesn’t want to keep them) as he gives her the signed items. But not enough to even consider letting him stay up.

Then he trudges up the stairs, his attempt at listening to their conversation also thwarted and falls asleep before his mom leaves the room.

There are two things that Emma Swan thinks upon meeting Regina Mills. One: holy actual shit, wow. And two: Bad Idea. Yup, capitalized and everything. She is trying to focus more on two than one (but failing a little as she thinks such pretty eyes. That dress looks amazing on her. How would it look off her? – yeah okay, maybe failing a lot) as she sits on the couch.  

She forces herself to focus on two by reciting all the reasons this woman is a Bad Idea. One; she has a kid. He seems pretty awesome- she is aware she should not be mostly impressed and slightly amused by the whole stealing-my teacher’s-credit card-and-dragging-the-famous-lady-home thing but she kind of is. Perhaps it is the memory of the horrible teachers that Emma has had that make it more amusing and impressive than anything else. But despite that- Emma is still not exactly the kind of person that would raise a kid.

Not to mention, is she the kind of person that would be allowed to raise a kid by his overprotective mom? (henry talked a lot about his mom in the car).

And there other reasons. Reasons like how this woman probably has big issues and Emma is a mess that she cannot fix, so how is she supposed to help anyone else ? Reasons such as how she wants to run at the sign of feelings, or how Regina seems to be the kind of person that is very sophisticated and very intelligent and Emma is still absurdly proud of participating in the world series of beer pong. Classy ladies like Regina Mills would never like the kind of girl that tries to force an entire pizza in her mouth when someone dares her to. Right?

Also, does she even like girls? Henry sort of implied, but-

Oh fuck. Emma’s stomach actually jolts as their fingers brush, and she almost yanks her hand away. Regina seems cool as a cucumber- except Emma quickly realizes she is not. She presses a hand to her stomach, like she has the same annoying sensation Emma does.

“ Your son is very- “.

“ Disobedient?” Regina says, sighing as she settles down on the couch.

“ I was going to say inventive, probably”.

She chuckles. “ Well, he is that too”.

“ So uh- “ she searches for something to say that will not be hugely embarrassing for her. “what do you do? For a living”.

“I am mayor”.

“ That… explains the house and clothing”.

“Yes” they sip their drinks in slightly awkward silence. Emma studies the woman, noticing she is still tense – although that could also be her modus operandi. Emma definitely wouldn’t be surprised.

“Thank you for bringing my son home”.

“ Uh no problem. Anyone would’ve done it” she grins.  “Besides, he is pretty convincing”.

“ That he is” the gentle look that she gives Emma makes her nearly shatter the glass in her hand. “ Thank you”. “ You just said that”.

She chuckles awkwardly. “ I am aware. I was just- “ she seems to not really notice Emma for a moment, staring at the wall. “ I thought he would not return this time”.

“ Ah. Kid – uh has he done a lot of running?” it is none of her business. And usual, she would do pretty much do anything to avoid emotional landmines like this, but there is something about the woman next to her that makes it almost easy to stay.

“ He discovered he was adopted and – “ Emma puts down the glass and nearly reaches for the woman’s hand. She seems –

“ Suffice to say, he did not take it well. He ran away several times and – you never get accustomed to that. You keep being terrified”.  She shakes herself , puts on a smile. Emma is both thrown off and kind of impressed how that smile almost seems genuine.

“ Well, but that is in the past. Miss Swan, do you- “.

“ Emma. And the kid- he is worried about you” she says it very carefully. Regina stiffens nonetheless. She is closing more and more with the second, her jaw tightening and her eyes losing all warmth- Emma only notices she has grasped the woman’s bicep when Regina gasps and stares down at the fingers curled loosely around her bicep.

Emma slowly lets go. “ I am not- it is none of my business. It really isn’t. And you can always tell me to fuck off. But I also think the kid might be right that something is going on”.

“ And why, pray tell, would you assume something like that?”

“ You have bags beneath your eyes. The kid only ran away today, so that cannot be causing it. You seem to have lost weight- from worry, perhaps. But I am not sold. And you startled pretty terribly when I walked towards you”.

“ You were suddenly behind me”.

“ Yeah. You know- “ Emma hesitates only a second, not comfortable sharing things about herself and not liking having to think back to the moment it happened. But Regina is quickly starting to look angry and for some reason, she really wants to avoid that. “ I am an orphan. The longest time I had a family was three years. They sent me back when they got their own child”

She automatically grits her teeth, feeling that anger , that sense of ‘it is not fair’ which means she represses all of this shit until- her muscles lose their tension slowly, she stares at the hand on her knee before swallowing and continuing.

“ I saw a lot of shitty homes. I saw kids being beaten and neglected and all that mess. When I got out- I kept contact with some of them. I wanted to forget all of that, but some- I had actually made some friends”

she looks at Regina again.  “There was this one girl, Lily. She didn’t tell me everything. But I have heard and seen enough to know there was a lot of trauma. And – she used to flinch whenever there was a loud sound, or someone was suddenly behind her or someone came too close. And she had these insane mood swings. You could be laughing with her one moment and the next she would suddenly threaten to punch someone for bumping into her, you know?”

‘ What is your point?”.

“ I don’t know your life. I don’t know you. But I can recognize trauma anywhere”.

Regina stiffens. “ I am not going to make choices for you, or try to get you to talk to someone about it. Don’t worry, I am not much a talker myself. But- ‘ she very carefully lays her hand atop Regina’s .  “if you ever need me to distract you again by finishing an insane obstacle course- “ seriously Swan? She winks. “ Just call me. I would love to”.

Regina chuckles, then sighs. “ Henry told you, did he not?”.

“ Uh-huh. So what had you so distracted then?” she asks, semi-innocently. Regina presses her lips together, then throws her glass back. She grabs the bottle that she had placed on the table and fills the glass again.

“ No, seriously” Emma says, offering Regina her own glass when she arches her brow and glances at the bottle. It is probably a horrible idea to keep drinking and sit with this gorgeous, likely traumatized (straight?) woman but Emma is still the queen of bad ideas. Sometimes.

“You have no proof” Regina says, smirking a little.

“ I have a witness!”.

“ But is he reliable?”.

“ Are you calling your own son unreliable?”.

“ No, I am merely stating that he may have exaggerated. What exactly did he tell you?”.

“ That you were so distracted by my abs that you forgot how to walk” it is paraphrasing.

“ That is not what happened, at all”.

“ Well, what happened madam mayor”. She could swear Regina looks a little excited at her challenging tone.

“ I have a right to remain silent”.

“ That just makes it all very suspicious though “.

“ Hardly”.

Emma glances at her glass with confusion; when had she emptied it? She shrugs and lets Regina fill it again. The jolt is stronger this time, and she hears Regina’s breath stutter. “ So tell me”.

“ Are you going to continue needling me?”.

‘ Yes. Until you give in and tell me”.

Emma nearly spills cider on herself as Regina smirks at her. She nearly drains the glass in her, which is like the worst decision ever for Regina chooses that moment to lean in, squeeze her knee and say “ I have great stamina”.

Emma only barely keeps from choking or spitting cider all over the expensive couch.

“ That’s – is this that competitive shit Henry talked about or are you just- “ .

Emma feels vaguely insulted at the eye roll and muttered “idiot” before she is unable to feel anything but a feeling like ‘hell fucking hell yes” as Regina leans in again and it is pretty obvious what is going to happen. Except she gets impatient so she blindly puts the drink down and pulls Regina’s lips to her own. She feels her affronted gasp, but ignores it to kiss her. And kiss her. And kiss her some more.

Unfortunately, Emma still has to breathe so she is forced to pull back when she is actually starting to see black spots. She licks her lips, that taste of cider and lipstick and something that is just Regina. She starts to lean in again, grinning as she hears Regina’s very irregular breathing. Inches from her lips, she stops. “ Tell me?”.

“ I will destroy you- “ the woman beneath her starts to growl and Emma cannot even be sure whether the shivers are fear or pleasure because wow that is kind of terrifying, but also hot when there are hands grabbing her tank top and roughly pulling her head down. She quickly forgets all about things like words as lips start to move against hers.

She kind of gets her answer anyways, because Regina keeps touching her arms and mutters ‘beautiful’ as she glances at them during the spare moments they remember breathing. Emma just smiles smugly and dives in again, ignoring the fact that she has her own weakness- which is mostly the sounds Regina makes and how wonderful she feels, but also that lip scar that she keeps tracing.

She wordlessly rolls off Regina as she feels the gentle pressure against her chest, studies the woman as they lay side-to side and with their legs entwined because of the little space the couch has. Regina had been bold and controlled, but now she almost seems shy. And flustered because of more than what has Emma’s throat really dry.

“ Are you okay?”.

“ Ye-“ Regina clears her throat. “ Yes. I am fine. I just-“ she smiles, kisses Emma one last time. “ I just cannot believe this is happening”.

“ Uh same here. You are – “ Emma just shakes her head. “ Wow”.

Regina looks both pleased and like she doesn’t fully believe it. “ You are beloved by millions, Emma, so I am sure I am the one that is supposed to say that”. “ You know, that is not as impressive as it seems. Have you ever seen people react to cat videos? I am nothing compared to the cat videos, Regina”.

She grins when Regina chuckles.  “I still maintain that you are quite ‘wow’, Emma Swan”.

“ And I maintain my earlier thought of ‘holy fucking shit, wow “.

Regina groans a little. “ That is just-“.

“ well-put?”.

“ No, it has too many swear words”.

“ Two! It has two swear words”.

“Out of four. That is 50% “.

“ Picky”.

“ Shut up” Regina mutters, her eyes drifting close.

“ Regina  “

“ Hm?”.

“ Should I not bring you to bed?”

“How presumptuous of you. I am not a groupie,  miss Swan”.

“ Yeah, I totally did not mean it like that. But should you not have a bed so you can actually have a good night rest?”

She feels Regina’s smile as she is kissed again. “ Goodnight, Emma”.

“ Oh okay. Good night”.

Usually, Emma would sprint towards her car after emotions like this. But with Regina’s arms around her and her slowly evening breath and her soft murmers, running is the last thing on her mind.