#also i dont really think shes boring shes actually a great textbook <3 im just unfocused

[tomorrowillbeyou]

this textbook is so boring 🙄

[iwadori]

Haikyu boys when they make you insecure PT 1 (Kenma,Kuroo)

Part 1 Part 2  Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6.

Word Count:3k 

genre: angst, fluff

masterlist

Kenma:

You and Kenma have been in a long distance relationship for a while.

Both of you stream, Kenma doing it seriously for his job and you just playing it for fun,

Sometimes you stream together of course but because of your difference in audiences and games you don’t do it all the time

“Bye guys! Hope you enjoyed todays stream” You wave off to the camera and shut off your PC taking a few sips of water.

Kenma: Hey.. nice stream today Y/N are you going to watch mine?

Y/N: Of course I will 

Kenma: Ok talk to you later

Y/N: okayy <3

Kenma is what inspired you to stream, he also taught you all the ins and outs of streaming making sure you were set and ready. Your gaming style was very relaxed and friendly as you obviously weren’t streaming as a career just for fun and to make friends with your online viewers. The games you played were usually: minecraft, COD, Sims 4, Roblox, Animal crossing and *Insert your favourite game here* the way I literally named all the games I play 

You wait for Kenmas stream to start, kind of excited as you’ve always loved seeing your boyfriend in his ‘element’ when it comes to playing to games. As your boyfriends stream starts you see he’s already chosen what game he is playing today which is to your surprise Call of duty, since that was the game you were playing earlier.

As he gets into the stream you are entertained, as always since Kenma was being his usual self laughing at his own deadpan jokes and interacting with his viewers. He is currently waiting for his capture the flag game to start so as he waits he decides to read some comments in the chat.

You’re used to the usual ‘Kenma where is Y/N I miss your usual streams together’ or ‘kenma please RAIL me’ which always makes you laugh. You were also used to the common hate comments Kenma and You both got on your streams but you were definitely not ready for this..

@ Ihatewomanandiamadick : Hey Kenma did you see your girls stream today she is so dog shit at COD lmaoooo jhdfkjdrhdrr

“Well hello ihatewomenandiamadick” started Kenma “but yes I did see Y/N stream and obviously she is not the best at games and I would definitely NOT ask her to team with me for any serious gaming competitions ... but she’s fun to watch I guess” as he finished speaking about you his game loaded up so he focused his attention on that the words he just spoke going to the back of his mind as they end up at the forefront of yours.

You obviously knew you were no match for Kenma’s gaming expertise but you didn’t expect him to publicly agree with a hate comment let alone add more of his imput on you. Did he really think that about you? ‘She’s fun to watch I guess’ did he not even enjoy your streams that much?

You wanted to distract yourself, and you definitely couldn’t do that watching him so you close off of his stream and get in your bed deciding to watch your favourite show. 

Waking up at 6pm after your sad nap, you see that Kenma has left some messages to you,

Kenma: hey did you watch my stream?

Kenma: do you want to facetime later and play some minecraft..?

Kenma: y/n r u ok??

Y/N: oh hey cnt play minecraft w you rn not really in the mood..

Kenma: oh ok..

Time passed since then a month to be exact and you basically dropped off of the face of the earth, you weren’t in the mood to do anything let alone game and stream, which was a constant reminder of your boyfriend (something you didn’t want at the time.) 

You felt embarrassed over all the things he said about you and all the things you now think he thinks about you and the way you play. Maybe he thinks even worse things about you, beyond just how you game? What if he doesn’t even genuinely like you...or he has someone else...it does make sense, you do both live miles and miles away from eachother AND he’s a big streamer you see the amount of girls in his comments.

You shake your head to erase your protruding thoughts coming in your mind, but it doesn’t really help. You and Kenma haven’t spoken much over this month he tried to constantly reach out to you at first but you assume he got bored over your constant, repetitive dry texts. So you were almost content with you and Kenma not even being in a relationship anymore.

However on Kenma’s side, he was beyond worried about you. Since you haven’t been streaming or barely responded to his texts he thought something happened to you, but he didn’t want to be seen as ‘overstepping boundaries’ if there was nothing wrong at all with you and you simply were just ‘not in the mood.’ 

So here he is, in Kuroo’s apartment trying to get him to help him out on finding out what is wrong with you.

“So kenma can you remember what happened the day when Y/N went ‘ghost’“ asked Kuroo in a mock detective voice

“Y/N didn’t go ‘ghost’ Kuro, and take this seriously” said Kenma “I’m worried bout her”

“Okay fine, but for real what’s the last thing you remember before she started acting all weird.” 

“Umm I think it was around a month ago I did my saturday stream and I think she was on it but she didn’t leave her usual nice comments throughout”

“Ohh that was the stream when you sai-” Kuroo said before pausing his words as the memory of what Kenma said about you on his stream came in his mind, as even Kuroo thought it was a tad bit harsh for Kenma to say all those things “I think I know why Y/N has been so distant kiddo”

“What why?” Asked Kenma

Kuroo pulls out his phone and brings up the clip off what Kenma said and Kenma’s face cringes ‘did he really say all those things about you’ he thinks. 

“Shit.. I didn’t know I said all of that” he said quietly “how do I make it up to her?”

“There’s only one thing you can really do Kenma” said kuroo

You are woken up out of your sleep by a knock on the door. Getting out your bed like a zombie, you trudge to your front door only surprised by what you see. There in his 5′6 glory stood your ‘boyfriend’ Kenma with a controller and a kitten teddy in his hand. You were very tempted to shut the door in his face and get back to your dreamless sleep but you waited on him to speak.

“Hi Y/N” he said quietly “wanna play some minecraft...?”

“Why so you can ridicule me on how shit I am?” You ask bitterly ready to shut the door on him

“No! No not all” he said stopping you from shutting the door entering your place “Y/N i’m really sorry on what I said, I wasn’t thinking AT ALL... I love watching your streams and I think you’re great at playing games...I was just being a dick,”

You take a deep breath before tears pool in your eyes “what you said really hurt me kenma..” you say “ I know people say shitty things on the internet all the time... it’s the internet. But I wasn’t expecting you to agree with the hater and say even more shitty things on top of that.. I don’t think I want to even stream anymore”

Upon hearing that, Kenma’s mouth parts open with shock ‘you dont want to stream anymore’ were his comments that bad? Now he feel even worse as he should and is now more determined to make things right. 

He impulsively drags your arm into your game room, catching your surprise ‘what is he up too?’ you think. He stops for a second seeing your usual pristine gaming set up, collected up with dust. 

“What are you do-” you start 

“Just wait!” He says, as he rushes away turning on all your stuff and logging onto his twitch account as he sees the views go up he starts to speak

 “Hi guys, its me kodzuken and today I’m here on stream with my beautiful girlfriend and today I want to say..” he turns to you “Y/N im so sorry for the horrible things I said to you that day... I was just being a dick and I’m sorry I really am.”

You look at the chat and you see some confusion and some people recalling his words from last month. “It’s fine Kenma, I forgive you” you say giving him a hug”

“Okay Y/N, so what do you say... wanna beat my ass at bed wars?” He says with a smirk 

“When have I ever loss?” you return his smirk

Of course you did beat his ass as bed wars for rounds on rounds never losing proving yourself to actually be a good gamer girl. You enjoyed your time with Kenma, forgetting what he said before about you and moving on. 

Eventually, you guys moved in together and streamed together all the time and yes you still do play for fun but you’ve gotten way better at COD (some may say better then Kenma) but who is better didn’t matter to any of you, as long as you got to play together that’s all you both cared about.

Kuroo:

Kuroo and you have been together since you were in your first year of high school 

You met as friends first when you got him to tutor you in chemistry ( a subject you still aren’t that good at.)

Now you have your upcoming entrance exams for university in a month so your school has you doing mock exams in preparation for them.

20%

You look down at your chemistry paper that your teacher just handed you. 20%. You’re surprised, very surprised since out of all your subjects (that you go 90+% on) you studied on the chemistry test the hardest ensuring Testurou, that you didn’t need his help at all. But I guess it turns out, you did.

This failing mock grade put a blunder on your day, you didn’t interact with anyone and didn’t want to see your boyfriend so you skipped your usual routine of meeting him on the rooftop and went to the library instead ‘might aswell start early on your studying’ you thought.

As you were going over your chemistry topics, you hear an ‘ahem’ next to you and you turn your head only to find your boyfriend and his friends next to you. Kuroo with his usual goofy smile on his face. 

“Hey kitten where were you at lunch?” he asked 

“Needed to go to the library, Chemistry is kicking my ass” you mumbled 

“Oya” he said as he noticed your chemistry test laying under your textbook “20%, well damn Y/N I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t know you were that stupid” he laughed doing his stupid usual hyena-like laugh.

Ouch well that hurt. You slightly flinched at his words, “Really your name, you didn’t know the molecular formula for ethanol, that’s first year work” he said continuing to laugh “I’m pretty sure that’s one of the first things I tutored you on when we first met” 

His overbearing laughter was not good for you, you were already having a bad day and yes you do know your not that good at chemistry but you didn’t need your chemistry-enthusiast boyfriend to make fun of you for failing. Kenma and Yaku stood there awkwardly obviously aware of how bad Kuroo is making you feel but they didn’t really know how to stop his friend in the moment.Whilst he’s still dying of laughter you decide to pack up your stuff and leave the library.

You managed to get your Chemistry tutor to let you retake your mock paper in a week so that means, extra hard studying with no distractions you definitely can’t fail again. Since studying on your own was definitely not a good option, and you couldn’t go to Kuroo (especially after he ridiculed you) you decided to ask the second smartest person you know to tutor you.

Y/N: Hey Yaku! Can I ask you a favour?

Yaku: Hi Y/N what do you need??

Y/N: I have my chemistry retake next week, and as you know from your loud-loud friend I failed my recent test so can you tutor me?? 

Y/N: Pleaseeee

Yaku: Ok Y/N why can’t you ask Kuroo you know that he’d be more than happy to help

Y/N: Yakuu pleasee just help me out 

So there you was, nearly a week done with your study sessions with Yaku and you’re feeling way more confident than before. 

“Y/N what is the functional group of a Carboxylic Acid” Yaku asked

“umm... COO?” 

“Great! that’s correct Y/N” he praises i dont actually know if it’s correct or not

You then hear a knock at Yaku’s front door and hear his mum let the person in, Kuroo then enters Yaku’s bedroom with shock plastered on his face surprised to see you here.

“Y/N...hey?” he says confused “what are you doing here?”

“Oh Mori-chan is just helping me with chemistry for my retake tommorow” you say nochalantly internally smiling at the twinge in Kuroo’s face at the purposeful use of Yaku’s first name.

“So why didn’t you ask me to help you know I’m a chemistry whiz” he asks

“Maybe I’m too stupid to be taught under your tutelage” you mumble “since I seem to forget whatever you teach me, even when it’s 3 years ago... but ok”

“Y/N I-” he starts 

“Oh save it Kuroo, I have studying to do” you say cutting him off

“But I-” he tries

“So Mori-chan COOH is the function group of ethyl ethonate right?” you ask ignoring your boyfriend who is now at a lost for words

“ummm yeah it is” says yaku who is clearly feeling heavily awkward at the tension in his bedroom.

Kuroo leaves and you and yaku finish off the studying for the night, you did feel a little bad for being a bit mean to Kuroo but it’s karma for him being a dick to you. 

You wake up the next day ready for your exam which was first thing in the morning, before you hand in your phone you see a message from Kuroo,

Kuroo: I know you’re still mad at me, but I think you’re going to do so well on this test. You’re not stupid at all, you’re really smart and I love you < 3 

Kuroo: Good luck Y/N

You don’t respond to the message but smile at the sincerity of it and thankful for the boost of confidence it gave you before you start your exam.

Finishing the exam with a smile, you were confident you did well as everything you and Yaku went over was on the paper and you’re almost certain you atleast got more than 75%. You have to wait an hour before your teacher can give you your results, so in the meantime you might aswell reconcile with Kuroo.

When you exit the classroom, standing there was Kuroo who seemed to have been waiting for you for the whole duration of the exam.

“So how was it?” Kuroo asked, apprenhensive as he assumed you would just ignore him like you did at Yaku’s house.

“It was fine, I think it went alright..” you say

“Kuroo”

“Y/N”

You say simultaneously, he pauses for a second to let you speak “I’m sorry I was being so stand offish when we were at Yaku’s I just wanted you to see I could do it on my own, and when you called me stupid I really took that to heart since you and I both know that Chemistry wasn’t ever my best subject” 

“I’m sorry too, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, and since it was only a practice test I didn’t think you’d take it to heart but I am sorry I know you aren’t stupid.”

Before you got to say anything else, your Chemistry teacher exited the room with your chemistry paper in hand. Kuroo grabbed your hand anticipating your nerves and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Miss L/N” said your teacher “Well done on your chemistry test” he turned your test around to sure a perfect 100%. Both you and Kuroo gasped, you were elated to say the least you wanted to jump up and down in excitement but a PERFECT 100%.

“I’d also like to add that you have now got the top chemistry score in the school beating the previous title holder Kuroo Testurou” said your teacher, this made Kuroo open his mouth even wider in surprise nearly making you giggle at his response. 

Your teacher took his leave, leaving you and Kuroo in the hallway “ I guess i’m the chemistry whizz now “ you say wiggling your eyebrows just as Kuroo did to you before at Yaku’s this made him chuckle as he came to put his arm around you.

“Y/N don’t get ahead of yourself now, you may have won this battle but I will win the war” he said smiling

In the final exam, you continue your winning streak also getting a near 100% and still beating Kuroo which didn’t matter to either of you, now you’re just like him cracking chemistry puns and jokes all the time which none of your friends appreciated but atleast Kuroo found them SODIUM funny.

AN: Please kill me for the last line of Kuroos, I didn’t really like Kuroo’s since it was a bit self indulgent with my hate for chemistry but what do you guys think?

[chiwoopsie]

That tag where I answer 10 questions and ask 10 more :)

tagged by the great @s-lay-ing (I couldn’t not answer your questions hehe thank you thank you!)

i wanna get to know some new peeps so i’ll tag​ @scoupsadaisy @yayayaimma @bbaksu @sebongteen-trash (only if you want to ofc!)

My 10 Questions For You

top 3 songs you would recommend to a non-kpopper

What is your 2019 resolution, if you have any?

Last thing you ate?

Song/MV that got you into the kpop

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and with who?

Favorite thing to do when you have a day off

What would you give your bias(es) for Christmas?

You won the lottery! Who would be the first person you tell?

Sweet or savory?

If you saw your favorite group on the street, what would you do?

1. Is there something you would change about t*mblr?

WHAT A WELL TIMED QUESTION but i’m going with my pre-community guidelines answer to make this short >> i’m agreeing with cloud about letting sideblogs send asks bc why isn’t that a thing?? and just the whole mobile app in general lol..like why can’t i see my tags in some of my posts and why can i never post things without running into an error message on there :// OH YEAH and can it not delete my links when i edit my description on mobile? thanks 

2. Your parents/siblings/very close friends get offered a tour around europe with no cost for a month or so and they ask you to come w/ them. Considering your current status, what would you do? 

Well I’m graduating uni in a couple months so if we could go then, I would be very down! But I would also probably feel the anxiety of needing a job and financial stability throughout the whole trip rip Also I don’t think I could travel w/ my parents rn bc we did go to europe for a while this summer and although I love my them a lot, I would rather travel with my sister or my friends for the time being :)

3. Your fam/dorm decides to do a garage sale. Within a quick look into your room, what would you give up for sale?

My college textbooks

4. In your personal opinion (aka not based on the trend or whatever), name artist of the year, song of the year, video of the year, album of the year.

Artist of the Year- MONSTA X 

MX IS HAVING THEIR M O M E N T RIGHT NOW  and korea needs to pay attention! LIKE THEY RELEASED THREE (2 KOREAN, 1 JAPANESE) ALBUMS THAT ARE A++ WITH BOMBASS MVS/TITLE TRACKS, PROMOTING THEMSELVES LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WITH THE WORLD TOUR AND NOW JINGLE BALL AND ARE DOING IT WITH SO MUCH ENTHUSIASM EVEN THOUGH THEY MUST BE SUPER EXHAUSTED FROM WORKING NONSTOP THIS YEAR. And not to be that person but seeing them last year and then this year in concert really hit it home for me how much they’ve improved as artists and performers (not that they were bad to begin with) so in an ideal world, I would give a big award to Monsta X ❤❤

Song of the Year- Shine by Pentagon (lol sorry cloud)

it was a debate btwn shine or love scenario for me but shine did a lot more for pentagon’s popularity and name recognition than love scenario for ikon i think (since ikon already had ~ikonic~ songs like my type, rhythm ta, etc). The song itself is cute and really easy to get stuck in your head but not in an annoying way?? Plus the choreo made the hammer dance a thing (at least in my mind) and the way it rose up on the korean charts was p cool :)

Video of the Year- Help Me by NU’EST W

ugghhh so many candidates but the help me mv floored me with the overall visuals and cinematography and someone pls tell me that im not the only one who thought of minhyun when the door opened in the last scene lmao

Album of the Year- Love Yourself: Answer

I was late listening to it but after I got started, it was literally on repeat for at least a month. Just the way the album’s organized after ‘起承轉結’ makes the flow of songs from one to another is so perfect and all the songs were so good and it’s just really great 💗

5. Do you have a hobby/personal custom of yours?

uhm i read? that’s like the most boring hobby ever but i have been reading more lately than i have done over the last couple years, although I still have trouble finishing them..But I’m currently reading a book about the rise of China’s noveau riche and basically how capitalism functions in a country ruled by the Communist Party and no one wants to know how nerdy you are megan so just say you like reading and move on to the next question

6. Name the most a mischievous thing you’ve done

i dont do mischievous things OKAY BUT FORREAL I HAVE A REALLY BAD MEMORY WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS SO NOTHING IS COMING TO MIND RN :0000

7. a kpop group/artist you WISH comes off hiatus in 2019? 

f(x) and i’ll throw in pristin (ALL OF THEM) for good measure

8. recommend me ten songs 

(i don’t think we have the same tastes rip but here’s basically the songs that didn’t make it on #11 😅)

loved by highlight

one of those nights (feat. crush) by key 

right now by amber

regular (english version) by nct 127 

april fool’s by jimin (jamie) park

gone by changsub

lady by exid

roller coaster by chungha

piece of peace, pt. 1 by j-hope

no gravity (piano version) by yoon mirae

9. is there a fandom related activity you wish you were good at?

hmm i’m really curious how ppl do gfx actually..like they’re always so pretty and creative and i’m always in awe but i don’t think i have the artistic mind for it. Also, writing fics is also something I respect and lowkey wish I was good at (even tho I never tried lol) since I find the process of transmitting my thoughts onto paper really difficult and it takes me forever to write stuff in general

10. a kp*p song from this year that everyone swears on but you’re not that on board with it 

favorite by loona?? i know a lot of ppl here on the tumbles love loona but their style of music doesn’t really hit it for me..

11. top 10 kpop songs of 2018?

in no particular order:

boss by nct u

la vie en rose by iz*one

countless by shinee

running to you by seventeen

destroyer by monsta x

trivia:seesaw by bts 

i’m so sick by apink

just do it by booseoksoon

she’s in the rain by the rose

bad boy by red velvet

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[polskiebagno]

tagged by the loveliest @thankyouforthefeels to answer these 11 questions and then come up with  11 new ones (thank you!) this ended up being quite long im sorry for that

1. what is one of your favourite presents you’ve ever received? i think i talked abt it before but for my 18th birthday my friends payed for me to get my nose pierced. and it’s not necessarily about the gift itself, more about how it shows they listened to me saying i’ve wanted it for years and made the appointment and everything and it was just so, so thoughtful and sweet i love them

2. what is/used to be your favourite subject in school? (this may be a long answer sorry) so in both middle school and high school it was english, but for different reasons. basically at the beginning of middle school i was really bad at it so they put me in the less advanced group, and our teacher didn’t really give any fucks so those lessons were just so much chaos and fun. imagine: you walk in, i’m sat in the corner with my friends, sort of away from everyone else. we’re all turned so that we’re facing each there, someone’s got cake, the guy next to me put his legs on my lap and is ripping his textbook to pieces and eating them bc we dared him to do so. the ring is playing in the background bc the teacher wanted to watch it. we are all kicking our friend’s chair to push her into the middle of the classroom and saying she’s “going on an adventure”. it was great i LOVED it. and meanwhile i actually learned english on my own so when i went to high school they put me in a more advanced group, and the teacher (who was actually a bit scary) knew i was one of the best so she’d usually leave me alone and that meant i had a lot of time to talk to my friend. it was also the only subject i was good at so it meant i didn’t stress too much abt it

3. is there any quote that inspires you? why? not really, i’m not really a quote person. nor do i get inspired lmao

4. what is the most important part of a song? the lyrics? the melody? the rhythm? all of it matters! i do pay a huuge attention to lyrics but then there’s songs that i think are really quite silly but they have nice rhythm and i still listen to them bc they’re just fun

5. is there any childhood dream you had to give up? hooo boy we’re getting real here. i’ll try to make this short: since i was about 9-10 i wanted to be a vet. but in middle school when i started learning biology i realised i was really bad at it. my mental health was at a horribly low point then, i had no fucking motivation (and i mean that. i was failing classes, multiple ones, cause i just couldn’t focus or bring myself to study). and i knew i couldn’t go to high school and take advanced biology classes - which i would need in order to get to uni to study veterinary - i didn’t have enough motivation and there was no way i could’ve managed it so i just… gave up on that. and don’t get me wrong it’s still sth i wish i could do. realistically if i got myself together it’s quite possible. but i don’t think it’s ever gonna happen and yeah that shit hurts and i look back and think “if only things that happened to me hadn’t happened, if i weren’t depressed” etc but i got other passions too so it’s not the end of the world. i’m going to start studying psychology in two months which i’m really excited abt. i’ll be good

6. do you have siblings? how is your relationship with them? i have two younger sisters. one is 15 going on 16 and it’s a bit complicated. we’re not extremely close and she gets on my nerves a lot, but then bc of some things that happened i have this intense need to protect her. idk i dont wanna get into it but basically i fear she’s gonna grow up to be just as fucked as i am and that breaks my heart. on a happier note we bond over anime, which our middle sister (17 y/o) hates. and with her i have a definitely closer relationship, perhaps bc of the smaller age gap or bc we share more interests. overall tho i love them both, i know i can rely on them, that they’ll keep my secrets, and i think they’re both great girls (fun fact they both got tumblr but neither of them wants to tell me her url)

7. are you afraid of any animals? nope but i’m not a fan of any insects. they can be around me but i hate it if they touch me, that just freaks me out

8. do you wanna move to another city/country? if yes, which? i used to, now i’m not so sure. but i would love to live somewhere where’s it’s always warm. i fucking hate winter i hate the whole “staying home bundled up in blankets” thing, it’s boring and it’s not even realistic bc you have to go out and then you freeze your ass of. fuck that

9. do you believe art can change the world? not really. it can inspire and influence people but it’s their actions that will change the world

10. the first fictional character you fell in love with? i’m 98% sure it was bohun and that honestly just explains so much when it comes to the type of men i like, both in terms of looks and character. honestly i could never figure out why people with blood on their faces were such a turn on for me and then i rewatched ogniem i mieczem recently, this scene came on

 and i was just like oooh that’s why cause as i child i lost my marbles over that fucking blood covered wink

11. are you afraid of death? this is gonna sound so edgy but i was on a plane recently and i dont remember why but for a second i thought we may be having a problem and i didn’t even react. i kind of just sat there thinking that i dont want all these people to die but i really fucking wish we’d crush bc i just don’t wanna deal with anything anymore.  and i’m saying that cause i used to claim i wasn’t afraid to die but then i’d get scared if i were in a situation where something could happen, but now i dont, so i guess i’m really not scared of death anymore

okay so i tag @awkwardbird @infamously-exhausted @beachglo @epunda @wolfjohnstarlock @sapphictaurus and honestly whoever else wants to, like if for some reason you took time to read this then please feel tagged. here’s my questions for you! 1. do you like cooking? 2. have you got a weird/creepy dating experience? 3. can you drive? if yes, do you like it? 4. what’s your favourite outfit? 5. do you prefer to take a bath or a shower? 6. do you want to be famous one day? 7. would you like to have children? 8. if you could bring one fictional character to life, who would it be? 9. do you get along better with guys or girls? 10. if you could have any pet you want (and you could make sure it was happy, healthy and had everything it needs etc) what would you get? 11. do you keep plants?