#also i don't drink caffeine anymore it's been like a month

[ex-furry]

hiiii i don't think i've seen you on my dash in a long time but wanted to say i hope you're doing well

hiiiiii ty this is so sweet 💓 i've been doing pretty well, just focusing on getting my new cat acclimated to our house and the dog (queen has conjunctivitis though 💔). for some reason i stopped scrolling tumblr around the time i was having panic attacks that felt like heart attacks and didn't even start again once i was put on propranolol. ptsd brain has been bad recently too but we push through 💪

i haven't been online though and i want to be included and say. you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum(s) where they raised me

[feralnumberfive]

Good morning to every organ in my body except my stomach. Get your shit together

[familyvideostevie]

day after tomorrow

joel miller x reader

summary: joel drops you off and picks you up from the airport. you are definitely falling in love with him. 

warnings: modern no outbreak au, game!joel or hbo!joel, fluff, really just a fluff fest honestly, new-ish relationship, falling in love, sweet enough to make your teeth ache | 2.7k

A/N: this is a christmas gift for my dear friend @strangerfreaks who makes my life better in every way possible. i love you! hope you enjoy this <3

part ii here.

___

He's leaning on the side of the truck when you hurry outside with your stuff. 

"Morning," you call. It's barely that, sky still dark and air still carrying the bite of the night's chill. 

Joel straightens up and gives you a tired smile. Most of his smiles are tired but they're always genuine when directed at you. He tugs the backpack from your shoulder and presses his lips to your cheek, beard scratching your skin gently. 

"Howdy," he says in your ear before pulling away.

The travel mug Joel pushes into your hands is warm to the touch. 

"Tea," he says before you can tell him it's too early for coffee. His voice is deeper than usual, still warming up from sleep. It's not a cup from the local shop -- they're not open yet -- so he must have made it at home. "No caffeine before flights." 

"You remembered?" 

He gives you an unimpressed look and grabs your bags. They go in the backseat of his truck and he jerks his chin at the passenger door. "Get in. S'chilly."

It's also early. So early you were not going to ask him to drive you to the airport but when you mentioned you had to go on a work trip he offered. Insisted, actually, once he found out what time you needed to get there.

"You ain't takin' a cab that early," he had said. "Hell, you ain't takin' a cab home, neither. I'll pick you up."

This thing between you isn't new anymore, not exactly, but it's not solid yet. It doesn't have a name. But it's been a few months and you know what his sheets smell like and the feel of him pressed against you in the middle of the night and how he laughs with his head thrown back, mouth wide and eyes creased at the corners. He likes to take you on long walks around the lake a few towns over and you know all about his daughters even if you haven't met them yet. Your life feels a little more solid with Joel in it and the swell of your heart in your chest when you talk to him, when you see him, when he looks at you, is a welcome feeling. It's nice to want and be wanted in return. 

The inside of his truck is warm, your seat heater already turned on. The radio is down to a low hum and there's a silver cup similar to your own in the holder between the seats. Joel gets back into the truck with a slight groan and glances at you to see if you've got your seatbelt on before he clicks his. 

"Ready?" he asks. You nod. He settles his hand on your headrest and looks out the back windshield as he reverses the truck out of the driveway. "Shouldn't hit much traffic," he says. 

You take a sip of your tea and watch him as he drives out of your neighborhood and towards the highway. Part of you wishes you would hit traffic so you could look at him longer. Even in the dark you know his face pretty well by now. His hair is getting a little long, the dark threaded through with some grey and falling over his perpetually lined forehead. The scar on the bridge of his nose that you love to run your finger across and the bruises under his eyes from too many nights up late working on site plans and employee schedules. You don't think you've met a man who works as hard as Joel, and yet here he is driving you to the airport when he could be sleeping. 

Maybe it's because he's tired or maybe it's because it's dark or maybe it's because you're leaving for a few days but Joel lets you look without teasing. His eyes catch yours for just a second and he smirks.

"Why don't you drink coffee before a flight?" He takes a sip of his own thermos. You watch his throat work as he swallows and look away this time. The sky is starting to look purple out your window, the trees and fields and occasional buildings flying by too fast for your eyes to settle on anything. Joel drinks coffee like it's water. You're still leaning things about each other -- most days you find yourself thinking that you want to be learning things about him for the rest of your life -- and this is a new topic of conversation. You haven't had to be on a plane since you met him.

"I don't really like flying," you say. "Makes me nervous. I figure caffeine will just make it worse."

"Don't like it much either." You look at him again and find see smirk turn to a frown as he merges onto the nearly empty highway. "You gonna be okay?"

He asks like it's within his power to make flying something enjoyable, to cancel your work trip, to squash everything in this world that makes you nervous. Mostly you're just glad he's not teasing you about it. Maybe someday you can take a trip and be grumpy about it together.

"I'll be fine, Joel."

"Hm."

He rests an elbow against the window and rakes his hand through his hair.

"What are you up to this week?" you ask. 

He sighs. "Not much," he says. "Lumber shipment but Tommy's handlin' it. Ellie says her shower head is actin' funny so I'll go to her place and look at that. Probably sit my ass on the couch and try to watch a damn football game or somethin'."

"So what I'm hearing is you're going to miss me." It's meant to be a tease but it comes out a bit more earnest than you'd like. 

He sends you that unamused look of his but the mirth in his eyes betrays him, tells you he sees through it. You're learning that he's good at that -- seeing what you really mean, what you really want, who you really are, all the way down to the core. "Course I will," he says. "What man wouldn't miss cold hands bein' stuck up his shirt when he gets in bed?"

You scoff and Joel snickers. You could remind him how he usually catches your hands in his before you make it to his hemline on the rare nights he does wear a shirt, how he cradles your fingers and blows on them softly while rubbing them with his perpetually warm palms. The memory makes your breath hitch just a bit. 

It's only three days. Some conference your boss wanted you to go to in his stead. It won't require much of you -- you just have to attend a few panels, a dinner or two, and schmooze a little bit. You'll be back before you know it. You tell yourself it's silly to feel this apprehension at the distance, the time apart. But you're used to Joel by now and damn if you won't miss him. Used to him taking up space in your kitchen, used to his arm around you on the couch, used to his short texts and heavy gaze. You know by now that it's only a matter of time before you love him.  

"I'll miss you, too," you say softly. Joel eyes you, smirk turned soft again and reaches for you. He settles his palm on your thigh and you cover your hand with his. 

When you get to the airport aren't many cars around and you're pretty sure the attendants won't yell at you for idling. Joel seems to think the same thing as he gets out of the truck to set your luggage on the ground. You leave your now-empty to-go mug in his car and throw your arms around him when he gets to the curb with your suitcase. His chest rumbles in amusement but he hugs you back, one palm rubbing between your shoulder blades until you pull away. 

"Thank you for --"

"Nope," he interrupts you. "No thanks allowed." He hands you your backpack and you shoulder it. "I'll pick you up on Wednesday," he says. 

You wave him off. "I get in way too late, don't worry about it --"

His hand cups your cheek and the words sputter out in your throat. "I'll be here," he says again. 

"I'll call you," you say. "When I get there." It sounds like a question.

His eyes crinkle at the corners. "Please do."

"Thanks for the tea --"

"Now, what did I just say?"

You wrinkle your nose at him and he rolls his eyes before leaning in to press his lips to yours. You sigh into the kiss just a little though it remains chaste, mouths closed as his thumb strokes your cheek once, twice, before he pulls away. It's the kind of kiss that feels fond, feels familiar. A kiss that becomes routine and for a second you imgaine the press of your mouths a thousand times over just like this. 

"Safe flight, sweetheart."

You smile at him and grab your suitcase before you stand here kissing him all day. "Bye, Joel." 

6:04 am: you make it to your gate okay?

You send him a picture of your breakfast sandwich and the sun rising through the window, painting the sky purple and orange. 

6:05 am: don't text and drive!

He replies with a photo of a full mug of coffee on his counter. It's a silly one, a dinosaur wearing a Santa hat. You think Sarah got it for him as a gag gift. 

6:05 am: home already. let me know when you land

6:06 am: will do. have a good day!

The flight is pretty okay. You spend the bumpy moments thinking about Joel's hand on your leg and get through it just fine. A shuttle takes you to your hotel and you have to hurry a bit to be ready for your first panel. 

You're busy all day. So tired by the time you get back to your room that you flop on the bed with a groan. 

"Ugh," you say, face smushed into the sheets. You're tired and hungry and...you miss Joel and feel a little silly about it.

That sense of puppy love, as most people would call it, hasn't faded. Your feelings for Joel are more than the crush they were when you first started seeing each other but they still linger in the realm of infatuation. You like to look at him, to feel the solid warmth of him beside you, above you, underneath you. You like being near him. But you're also starting to love things. You love the way his voice sounds when he wakes up, the way he says your name over the phone, the way he asks you what you want, how you are, how your day was. You love to see him on your couch, in your kitchen, in your bed. You've started to miss him when he's not around. 

And what you said to him in his truck is true. You do miss him. It's an ache that sits in the center of your chest, an ache that feels like the best kind of bruise -- because it comes from something good. And because you know it'll be soothed soon enough. 

But, because you're only human, you doubt that it's as serious for him. Joel keeps his cards close to his chest and while you feel like you know him pretty well by now you also have so much to learn. So, though you really want to, you don't pick up the phone and call him. Maybe the next time you're away. 

7:54 pm: day 1 done! ready to get in bed. why do men talk so much?

He texts back immediately. 

7:54 pm: god knows. don't forget to order room service on the company dime. sweet dreams.

You laugh and do as he says. 

The rest of the conference goes the same. By day three you're exhausted and your face hurts from smiling at so many people. Your shoes are no longer comfortable and as soon as the closing keynote ends you're out of there, changing into soft clothes and taking the shuttle to the airport. You text Joel a picture of your airport dinner and then your eye bags and he replies with a cute that has you giggling a little too loudly in public. 

You just want to get home to him. Your own bed is a bonus. 

But then your flight gets delayed. Twice. Joel tells you not to worry, he'll pick you up in the middle of the night if he has to. Once you board you get stuck on the tarmac for another half hour before finally taking off. It's a decidedly less relaxing experience because you're so anxious to be home but you make it. When you land it feels like you're sitting in your seat for ages. You're tired and feel gross and you want to go to bed. Your phone turns back on and you've got one text waiting for you.

10:34 pm: i'll be by baggage claim

That was 15 minutes ago. He must have been checking your flight in the air to get here at a reasonable time. God, you want to touch him. You want to stick your nose in his neck and inhale. 

You try very hard not to run through the terminal to the escalator that goes down to arrivals. It seems to move really fucking slowly once you're on it. As soon as it gets far enough for you to see the baggage claim level and everyone waiting there your eyes search for him. You see some families, a few tired children sleeping in arms that hold them tenderly. A group of girls with a sign that reads WELCOME HOME RACHEL!

And then there's Joel.

Once you spot him it's hard to keep a smile from your face. He's standing there with his hands in his pockets, eyes glued to the escalator. Jeans, jacket, boots, and a firm set to his jaw that might be intimidating to anyone else but to you it's familiar. It's him. Once he sees you he stands a little taller and you see his cheek twitch. If someone wasn't in front of you you'd be down the steps in seconds but you wait until you're at the bottom to race forward. 

It's probably a bit dramatic. You drop your suitcase and backpack at your feet in front of him.

"Hi," you say, and then you throw your arms around his shoulders. Joel laughs. 

"S'like you're comin' home from war, or somethin'," he says, though his hugs you back just as tightly. "Should'a made a sign."

"Feels like it." Your words are muffled by his shoulder. 

"That bad, huh?" His palm drags up and down your spine. "Let's get you home, then."

Neither of you pull away. "I missed you," you say softly. 

Joel breathes deep and pulls away, hand on the back of your head as he makes sure you're looking at him. 

"Missed you, too," he says gruffly. Then he kisses you. It's less chaste than your goodbye kiss but still perfectly acceptable for airport arrivals, you think. 

"You hungry?"

"I sent you a picture of my dinner!"

"Not what I asked." You shrug and tangle your fingers with his. His thumb strokes the back of your hand. "We'll get you somethin' on the way home."

"Do you want to stay over?" you ask in a rush, realizing too late he's got no reason to want to. It's late and tomorrow is a workday. "I'm just gonna shower and go to bed but I--"

Joel's nostrils flare. "If you want me to I will." Simple as that. 

"Okay," you say. He squeezes your hand.

You walk in easy silence for a few moments. Once you're in the car you'll ask how his week was, tell him about the gossip you learned at the conference. You'll look at him the entire drive to your place, drinking your fill of him after three days without. Yeah, you're going to love him. It's just a matter of time.

"Thank you for coming to get me," you say. 

Joel looks like he wants to argue but he allows it.

"Anytime," he says. It sounds like a promise. 

thank you for reading <3 reblog, send feedback, general masterlist here!

[our-destiny]

Day 6 of @creativepromptsforwriting's 30 Days Writing Challenge - Write about a blackout

A/N: These past 5 days I have been going outside my comfort zone, well today I decided to jump back in and write more Soft Dark Bucky :]

Content / Trigger Warnings: Stalking, Murder, implied noncon touching

I am not responsible for the media you consume, read the warnings, minors DNI

30 Days Writing Challenge Masterlist

Word Count: 1228

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He was always watching. Everywhere you go he was always there keeping an eye on you. Or keeping you safe, as he described it. He left notes sometimes, though they were getting more and more frequent. That's also how you knew you weren't just paranoid; he really was everywhere. It seemed like as long as there were shadows for him to hide in, he would be watching. At first, they weren't as creepy. The first one you found on your desk when you walked into work. By now you had been feeling watched for about a month, but chalked it up to a lack of sleep because of work, but this quickly made you change your mind. The piece of lined paper was folded in half, blank save for some messy handwriting at the top.

I don't trust Michael. You should stop talking to him.

- James

Michael was your co-worker, he seemed pretty nice, you wouldn't call him a close friend but you talked to him occasionally. But you didn't know anybody named James, especially nobody that would leave a note like this. It was probably a prank, some of your co-workers were tricksters they probably saw how tired you were recently and thought you needed some fun in your life. You ignored it, kept speaking to Michael during lunch breaks and kept brushing off that feeling of being watched. That was until a week later you found another note on your desk, the same lined paper, folded in half with the same messy handwriting.

I didn't want to do this but you left me no choice. You should have listened.

- James

That day Michael didn't come to work. Or the next. Or the next. And a few days later they found his body. So maybe that wasn't a prank. And maybe you weren't just being paranoid.

The notes continued sporadically, a few of them were warning you not to get too close to that new friend you made and despite how bad you felt suddenly ghosting people you were too afraid to find out what would happen if you didn't. But most of them were harmless, maybe you would even say they were sweet if they weren't from your stalker. Stuff like, "Remember to drink water, you can't live off of caffeine." or, "That shirt looks nice on you." All from James.

But then they started showing up in your house. And 'James' started referencing things no one should know about you. How your shampoo smells nice, or reminding you to buy more bread before going home because you're running low. Or how that one annoying ex "won't be bothering you anymore." You assume they never found the body since you didn't hear anything about it. He also starting signing off differently, before it was just his name but now he says all sorts of things. "Yours Forever", "Love, James", "You own my heart,". He was talking as if he were your lover, not a deranged stalker with an unhealthy obsession. But that was how it stayed for a while. You'd never be apart from James, he would manifest in the shadows and you could feel his gaze scanning every inch of your body. You didn't know what he wanted but for now he seemed content with just looking, dealing with anyone who got too close for his liking, and leaving you weird notes around your house, lined paper, folded in half with messy handwriting.

As embarrassing as it is to admit, you were becoming slightly scared of the dark. Whenever you looked into shadows you swear you could see something moving in them, James haunting your mind, making you feel like the shadows are watching you. Your new found fear of the dark started becoming a hindrance on your life, making you jump at nothing, scared to walk down a dark hallway.

Which really didn't help when the power went out one night.

The storm was pushing against your windows, the occasional crack of thunder lighting up the sky. He was here, as he always was, watching you from the shadows. You had every light on, but even then he was still just out of sight. That was, until the room was swallowed up by darkness. And your phone was dead. How convenient. You should have charged it in advance, of course the power would go out on a night like this, but you were frozen on the couch the past half hour, waiting in suspense for the moment the power goes out, as opposed to preparing for it. You knew that he would make his move now when the room was pitch black. So you have to make your move first.

You stood up from the couch, ready to make a dash for the door at a moments notice. The wind was still screaming outside, making it hard for you to listen for him, but you heard him anyway. Footsteps. To your left. You turned to face the direction he was, and slowly tried to walk towards the door despite how little you could see. Then the footsteps stopped. Silence. You should have kept going, it was obvious he was in the room but instinctively you stopped, trying to listen for him again. That was a mistake.

He was behind you. You didn't hear him move at all, but that quickly faded to the back of your mind when he put his hands on your hips. When it comes to dangerous situations you always thought you'd fight or run away, you didn't expect to freeze. But you did. James rest his head on your left shoulder, nuzzling into your neck, and when he spoke you could feel his breath just below your ear.

"You scared of the dark sweetheart?" His tone was soft, caring, a bit gravelly, like he hadn't used it in a while, but it sounded warm. Not at all like you expected your stalker to sound.

"Shh, shh, don't worry, m'gonna protect you. No need to be scared, I'm sure it'll come back on in a minute." He started gently swaying the both of you, you guess the action was supposed to be comforting.

"James?" The combined fear of the dark room and your stalker made your voice shaky. God, you felt pathetic, the door is right there, he's not even holding onto you that tight.

"That's right, sweetheart. It's nice to finally touch you, when you're awake at least." James gave a small chuckle at the end, as if it was funny that he was touching you in your sleep.

"But, why?" What did he want with you? Why was he killing off random people for you? Why was he treating you like his lover when he's been stalking you?

"Mmm? Why?" He waited a breath while he thought of an answer. "Because you feel like coming home. After Hydra I didn't know what to do. But you feel like home and I'm not willing to lose that again."

He wraps his arms around your waist, the left one felt colder, pressing against you uncomfortably. He gave you a small squeeze, still rocking side to side with you.

"I'm not gonna lose you. Not gonna let anybody take you from me. You're all mine."

You don't think you're ever going to get over your fear of the dark. Not after this.

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Support content creators by reblogging, I'd really appreciate it <33

[endogenicredstararchive]

As you all have likely seen, we're back--hopefully. And, since he asked me to, I'm going to explain what's been going on. Don't worry-- it's nothing grotesque. It's actually fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. To preface this explanation: Shane suffers from hypertension-- that's high blood pressure-- as well as anxiety. He's also a habitual coffee drinker. You can already see where this is going, I'm sure.

For the past two or three months, Shane's had episodes of what we now know to be anxiety. He would run hot, start sweating, and feeling lightheaded. Naturally, we got some tests done, and they all came back fine. So, Shane and I were starting to worry. But, one day, because his father had an early appointment, he had to skip having his usual cup of coffee. And surprisingly, he felt fine. He tried the same thing yesterday--lo and behold, he was fine. So, suffice to say that he won't be drinking coffee again.

TL;DR: Shane's anxiety was triggered by caffeine, and he only just now figured it out. He doesn't drink coffee anymore.

~Kai

[eroaneki]

I'm still so scared by what happened to me earlier this month. I feel like I had a legit mental breakdown. I still feel extremely raw and vulnerable and constantly on the edge of a panic attack, but I think that's more so because I'm afraid of not being able to control how I feel. Like that I feel completely out of control.

I literally triggered myself into a mental breakdown by drinking cold brew on an empty stomach. Like out of fucking no where had a massive injection of liquid caffeine directly into my bloodstream. And I was also coming off of weed. And it was... 3 days before my period. I think all of that combined with is what really sent me over the edge. I'm usually smarter about tapering myself off but I also have never had a 7 month period where I used daily. I think my longest has been like 2 months in the past. This has been basically daily use since like, January.

I've taken half of a 5mg edible twice in the last like 3 weeks because honestly I'm so fucking spooked I'm gonna end up going insane or something. I know it's unlikely. But man I miss the creativity weed gives me. My head isn't as loud anymore and quite honestly I feel "normal" I guess. Whatever my normal was when I was using daily. So I guess that means I've leveled out? But my heart keeps skipping throughout the day and it freaks me out and I hate it and I've already had everything ruled out by the cardiologist so it just is what it is I guess. I'm fine according to them.

Idk existence is scary as fuck. But I guess you have to have bigger balls than life and that's how you win. Just growing those balls into a massive force takes so much time and effort and "do it scared" mentality. I understand why people scream when they do things that scares them. It pushes them forward. Gives them the strength to do it.

Also side note, I hate adrenaline? I run so high in the morning and I know it's my body trying to wake me up but could you not? Can you be more gentle about it? Also life without coffee is fucking ROUGH. My heart pounds too fast when I drink it and quite honestly I don't need the extra stimulation in the morning so I've switched to tea, but occasionally I'll pour myself like 2-4 oz of coffee and sip slowly on that. Usually on the days I'm home.

God I feel like I have no idea how to survive as a person sometimes. I just feel like I'm walking blind. It sucks. Really badly. But I'm okay for the most part now. I still get a little shaky driving but again, I just think I'm scared I'm gonna freak out again while driving. I'm so scared of what happened to me that I'm trying every which way I can to avoid it happening again. It's rough. Rough rough rough but for the most part I'm fine.

My outlook is mostly positive and I feel more of my piss and vinegar self coming back, which is nice. But yeah. Still definitely licking my wounds and a little worried about my period coming up this month. But I have my emergency lavender and Xanax and sweet smelling body scrubs and ice pack and everything else I use to help calm anxiety lol

I also have a really good support group and I started therapy, though I did have to cancel my appointment for tomorrow because my new insurance doesn't kick in until 8/1. Annoying but I know it's not the end of me ever going to therapy ever again. Just have to wait probably another week 🙃

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

The great regular sleep experiment of 2024 part "I think I'm fucked"

Well, I went to be around 8pm, slept what felt like a decent 4 hours, started having weird vivid dreams that happen when I'm done getting restful sleep, and then when I got up and looked at the clock it was only 11:30, after laying around in bed for a while trying to go back to sleep.

So one REM cycle... 2 hours -ish

The weird things are that:

It did actually feel like restful sleep, even if my body is sore

I feel perfectly alert

If I was hyperthyroid enough to cause this level of insomnia, I'd be having extreme cardiac symptoms all day even before what covid did to my heart and that isn't happening [not that I am getting zero chest pains]. I'm running a little hot and hungry but not even problematically asides from it contributing maybe to not sleeping.

I'm not having to force myself awake anymore except occasionally just after 5 am during grocery time

I am not getting the extra *symptoms* insomnia usually comes with anymore, I would actually not realize I wasn't sleeping if I wasn't paying attention to the clock, currently [and maybe the sleep headache thing].

So unless I slept from 8pm on the 10th until past 11 on the 11th without noticing... I am getting what feels like actually restful sleep for at least 2 REM cycles per day, one in the morning, and one at night... But ONLY that much. And my morning shift is fucked up now too when it was stable.

The 6th weird thing is while I am sore in a way I would compare to doing crossfit face-first... I am not nearly as sore and not at all sleepy, compare to what I should be for sleeping less than 4 hours per day.

Usually this level of mental alertness on this little sleep is what happens when I take certain anti-depression meds and metabolize them weird. And -regardless of how it's happened- usually comes with something akin to mania, that has had me misdiagnosed as bipolar or manic depressive before [before they acknowledged the upswings were too slow, stable, and lasted months at a time and were my thyroid]. But like, I do not feel manic, or like I am acting or communicating in a way people would describe that way, and I always could before, I could feel it happening to me, feel the nervous energy and how fast I was talking etc...

Like I managed to make myself do chores almost every day without it being a struggle like usual to get started. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I am forcing myself to do them.

And you might be thinking "well maybe it's the extra caffeine from the coke you've been drinking" NO! I ran out of the cherry cola 10 days after I did groceries!

The only thing from them that could still be in my system is phosphorus from the phosphoric acid. [coke brand cola is actually the cheapest way for me to even get bio-available phosphorus in my diet, so I am hopping we don't need another boycott, because supplements do not work the same way, and they and pork are expensive AF]

And as much as I have been trying to add a second cup of tea to my day I keep forgetting about it long enough that I am averaging closer to 1.2 bags of tea per day.

Which leads me to the only convincing theory, to me, right now, that I was low key "treating" insomnia by being at least somewhat phosphorus deficient most of the time, and that's why drinking coke would have me feeling more energetic for days at a time after the caffeine should have worn off [but ONLY coke brand coke], and this might only be possible because -in theory- part of my chronic fatigue could be that I'm one of the people who has a really hard time making Adenosine back into ATP, and needs extra phosphorus to make sure I am doing it as best I can.

The only hiccup in that theory is i think you mostly convert Adenosine back into ATP in your sleep, but I am getting 4 hours that feel actually restful for once, and I am unclear on whether your body also does this at a certain level of rest, even while awake.

This *could**** mean that drinking cola more regularly would mean having the energy to at least keep on top of housework without feeling like I have to force myself to do it every day. This sleep experiment may have inadvertently confirmed THAT suspicion beyond a doubt. It would of course be super helpful to have a doctor willing to IMMEDIATELY check my thyroid and ATP levels on request the moment I request it, so I can confirm things like this.

And I do think eating more ground beef is helping my iron levels.

But the problem is I need to sleep more than this. If I was feeling awake and alert off 8 hours I wouldn't question it... But this is 2 hours at a time twice a day at best. I'm not having terrors, or sleep adjacent hallucinations at present or "mis-seeing" things out of the corner of my eyes or anything... Which is great, because usually those symptoms would be more... Insistent for a lot longer... but I HAVE to doubt my judgement and ability to form memories properly on less than 4 hours of sleep per day, and I am starting to get a persistent headache threatening to be a migraine -and fairly constant tinnitus- that haven't been even this bad since I was last employed.

The fact that -at present- I mostly just feel pain/ache in my face and muscles as the only symptom of sleep deprivation doesn't mean I am not sleep deprived, and this isn't sustainable for someone with CFS... Usually any time this has carried on for any reason, there's a crash at some point and it's nasty.

In the meantime I AM going to be using this as best I can to get on top of housework and settling in, and getting things arranged and out of boxes... Because taking advantage of these upswings was how I was managing that kind of "catching up" for years before I stopped getting them. Is that ADVISABLE? WHO KNOWS!

[lonestardust]

game time! get to know me! (boy i thought i posted this a week ago!!! turned out it's still in my drafts 🫠)

tagged by these lovely people @reyesstrand @tailoredshirt @lemonlyman-dotcom ✨

favourite animal : not really a pet person + I'm extremely allergic to cats but i adore my twin brother's cat Lolo (don't have pics of her sadly)

favourite film : I actually rarely watch films anymore however watching the 1997 Silver Springs live performance and stevie nicks belting out NEVER GET AWAY NEVER GET AWAY right in lindsey's face gives more drama than actual cinema. it's my favourite!

favourite season : spring or fall! but honestly? summer has my heart (global warming and extreme heat waves DON'T), i just thrive in sunny weather, something about sun and sunlight making everything so bright and then exploding in strong hues of oranges at the end of the day is so inspiring and magical ✨

character(s) : carlos reyes and tk strand my beloveds!! i love and resonate with these two so so much and I'm so grateful that this show came into my life because it filled it with so much light i didn't know i needed. the way i find myself seen and inspired by the relevancy and the love and their inherent goodness is the greatest feeling ever.

Colour : yellow!!! I just always think of that quote by conor oberst "i really just wanna be warm yellow light that pours all over everyone I love"

Hobby : READING!! and LISTENING TO MUSIC !! and creating playlists, i also love editing preexisting art and making moodboards and artworks that have connection with either music or poetry. I love creation in general and I'll use any tools i have to make whatever i want to express come to life.

Book : Crush by Richard Siken. But I also HAVE to mention The Firehouse by @paperstorm, my current obsession (I'm two chapters behind don't look at me OK), because I know when a story immediately carves a forever place in my heart. And i'm too in love with the out of whack world of the Firehouse. It's flawed and smudged with deep pains. and the tension of IT ALL because everything is dancing on a fine line and the flashback scenes bleeding into the crushing reality and how the characterization that's so true to the story that's being told also have the foundational canon dynamics and characteristics that's so familiar and dimensional. The complex depths of this TK and his significant weaknesses, his hurts and his heart and the way love and the proximity of gentleness send him spiraling because of the lost love and the pent up love and all of it hitting him through his absolute conviction that he's disposable and unlovable ajdlfkjasdfsjs i just.......... I'M HOWLING LIKE A BEAST. God andie @paperstorm HOW DARE YOU. HOW ARE YOU SO GODLIKE TALENTED 😖 I'm currently piecing together an artwork/moodboard for the Firehouse and curating a playlist for it that has been basically what I've been listening to for the past couple of months and can't wait to share this wip :'))

Song : Nobody Loves Me like You Do, Patrick Droney (from my Firehouse AU playlist 👀 "Our whole life on the line, I've never felt a light as bright as you" losing my shit over those lyrics as we speak

Drink : tea and coffee!!! I live and breathe caffeine (see, i own everything yellow).

tagging is open for everybody! feel free to join friends 💛

[lancedoncrimsonwings]

Honestly this turned into an absolute fuck of a ramble but oh well.

If the black dog is depression, and the dog of insanity is stealthy, perhaps he is a grey dog.

I've had my fair share of "psychosis", and got through the other side. To think back on those times is surreal, and they don't feel like my own memories, but the more surreal part is you can feel it there at the back of your mind, waiting, for another bad day.

For the most part my grey dog is tame now, though there are still bad days where the black dog howls and the grey dog bares his teeth in memory of what he used to be.

And maybe one day he'll howl again and bite at the cage of my mind, those of us that have faced these dogs know how easy it is to fall into. It's never usually intentional, not truly. Just sometimes, after those aforementioned 3 days of no sleep with bad news and caffeine, you open up the door and there he is, looking back at you. The grey dog.

All the while those dogs took control of me without me realising, but these days, its easier to notice the signs before they do, to realise why they are there, so when you open the door and see them, you knew it was coming and you know what to do.

For many of us, we learn to look him in the eye, ask him why he's here, and soothe him down before he bites. I know when I open the door to him, I've pushed myself too far and he and his brother bark at me to stop it and rest. To take time out, to go to the doctors and make sure my meds are working right, to ask for help, to say no to things on my plate and just eat what I can for a while.

And bit by bit, he backs away, with a nod, and a promise, and a threat; "I'll return, if you fall again."

There is definitely a distinct difference between mental illnesses causing chronic psychosis and acute episodes of psychosis. Mine is generally the latter, and I'm more predispositioned to it thanks to mental illness, but my brothers is chronic and much more intense, with daily symptoms.

Both of us had a marked increase in symptoms around the late teens and early twenties, and more recently an increase after experiencing traumatic events like the unexpected death of a very close family member and no-fault homelessness.

The "avoid weed and psychedelics" advice was very true for me, my clinical therapist also warned me. One of my worst experiences with full blown psychosis was because I was around people that smoked weed, and though I never touched it myself, being in the same room was enough. I also had non epileptic seizures. I don't remember much of that time, but I do remember the pushback I got when I refused to be around them when they smoked anymore, no matter than they'd seen the seizures and the affects of the weed induced psychosis- even for weeks after not being around it. I implore anyone who does smoke weed to do it responsibly and not judge anyone who says they can't be around it.

Biology is weird, and brains are weirder. We're still guessing at most of the mechanisms we run by, and still guessing how half our medications work, weed included!

These days, I'm lucky to avoid weed, (Though the fact people smoke it wherever they like still scares the shit out of me!) But I've still been facing off the grey dog recently, with mess ups with my meds, forced to come on and off them each month as they're routinely out of stock.

The only things that help are having people around me- well, one person, right now- that can recognise if I'm not coping with the grey dog myself and can step in.

When I've spent an entire day staring at the wall, trying to make a cup of tea and the side is full of half made drinks that I don't even realise are there, they know to make me sit down and bring me a brew, wrap me in a blanket and let me rest. When I've been talking to the person sat opposite me for an hour, but there's no one there, they sit there instead and let me talk. When I mention walking into the woods and never coming back, in the same tone I'd talk about getting an ice cream, they encourage me to listen to music instead.

Keep an eye out for your friends and family in their early twenties, especially if they have mental or physical health issues, and especially if they're experiencing trauma.

They Grey Dog can visit us all. But neither that or its big brother the Black Dog have to be a death sentence.

99% of "mysterious disappearances" esp of people in their 20s who start acting weird for 48 hours and then vanish are not mysterious, thats just when a lot of reality-obliterating mental illness tends to kick in and it's pretty easy to get a short circuit in your brain that makes you go family guy death pose in joshua tree national park. it's not any less tragic, it's just a documented phenomenon and not particularly predictable. its a big reason the medical advice is for people with a family history of schizophrenia to completely avoid weed and psychedelics. "people just go crazy sometimes" is a principle of human health that used to be a lot more accepted prior to the american midcentury and to a certain extent thats a healthier way to conceptualize and prepare for the risk, as opposed to the modern assertion that anyone acting weird is dangerous and broken forever.

[burn4youx]

𝒟ear 𝒟iary…

Trying out a new, simpler format today! First of the new system of weekly entries too!

On Monday I didn't really do much. Mondays always suck for me (for who do they not suck is the better question) so not much to say there. I shaved for the first time in ages (I've been waxing) since I'm going to start doing laser hair removal next month! I'm so excited for that!

Tuesday was volleyball day and STRAWBERRY ISN'T THERE ANYMORE IM SO SADDDDD. His younger brother (who's on the team) isn't there either so I don't know if he quit or is taking a break...on a happier note I FINALLY figured out a good way to style my hair. I've been doing it and I love how it looks so much!! Thanking Pinterest for inspo fr.

Wednesday was also uneventful. Won't even both writing about it.

Thursday was nothing really at school. At volleyball however we're figuring out what positions we're going to play from now on (it's YMCA volleyball that's why it's taken so long guys I swear I'm not that bad). I think I'd be good as anything back row or middle front! Also serving specialist!

I DIDN'T HAVE SCHOOL FRIDAY WOOHOO!! BUT that meant I had to go with my parents to take my brother to this one autism therapy center he's been going to which is THREE HOURS AWAY. It was lowk cool though and we got the MOST DELICIOUS ice cream EVER after. It was from this one Italian gelato place and it was REALLY expensive but REALLY good I got all three flavors of chocolate that they had! ALSO TSOU DELUXE RELEASED AND I WAS SO FUCKING OBSESSED AND STILL AM!!!

On Saturday I literally bedrotted ALL DAY. My mom made French toast in the morning though and I put a bunch of Nutella and strawberries on it and it tasted like a crepe and it was the BEST because I'm on my period and it was exactly what I wanted. I did some more bedrotting, redid my main blog's theme, and then my mom asked if I wanted to go to the mall. I said yeah so we went and I got two new pants, a sweater, and a new shirt. At night my neighbor came over and she stayed until like midnight and it was really fun because she and my parents were doing shots and were kind of tipsy so we laughed a LOT (I wasn't drinking chat dw).

HOWEVER I literally BARELY slept at night. It's probably because I had like two bottles of iced tea (caffeinated) but whatever. I'm actually exhausted today but at least I'll sleep good tonight.

I actually did absolutely nothing today. Like I didn't leave the house at all. I only left my room to go play volleyball in my backyard for a little. I'm NOT excited at all for Monday because that means the next day is Tuesday and I have a math test I'm gonna fail then ha....

That's my week! Wish me luck for surviving the next one guys.

⤷ week of : 10.14-10.20

[brattyfrenchvampire]

It's been 1 month and surprisingly harder than I thought to not drink. We've gone months and even over a year before without trying. I think it's that finality that is difficult. It was easy when I had a choice and just said no. Where saying "I can't" or "I don't" makes me want to fight back for some reason. I suppose I felt I had more control when I chose when I drank versus abstaining. (I'm aware of how much that's an addict's thoughts.)

Alcohol is a tricky thing. For one it's everywhere and for cheap. Also, if you turn down someone's "gift" of a shot or drink they take it personal. I'm not even talking about the guys trying to get into anyone's pants. (Though they're annoying as well.) You have people from your own group that will order drinks without asking you. It's lightning fast, "here do these shots, also here's a whole drink...we're leaving in 5 minutes so you better slam it. It has red bull in it." Okay, yeah the last time I was at a bar I really didn't care for dude bros pressuring me. I actually can have fun without alcohol, besides I know my own pace best. I can drink fast but I don't chug. Idk it felt very disrespectful. (Besides this vessel needing to avoid caffeine for our heart. Yes, have an energy drink. It will give you wings when your heart flies out of your throat.)

Anyways, I might be hanging out with some of the group this week and I'm sure we'll end up at a bar or someone's house with booze and I'll have to tell them I don't drink anymore. I wish that was something that was more accepted. I don't care if they want to drink around me, I'll still hang out at bars with them, nothing is changing other than I don't want alcohol in this vessel. How does 1 sober person affect anyone's fun? I'm not policing what they want to do and put into their own bodies. I'm certainly not judging either. If they're that weirded out by it I can always have an edible or smoke. Like why does everyone have to do the same stuff?

It's horrible but part of me says that since I'm done drinking, I should have one last blow out. 1 more fun time. Why?! Non, it's a good thing the last time was so terrible. That's what I need to remember. Being dehydrated, having fucking neurologic issues, probably needed to go to the hospital. That's the reality of drinking. I always take it that step too far. I think I'm tougher than what I am. I've never had a drinking problem where it was too often. But why is it every other time I drink I go on a bender? That is a problem. The quantity, it's too much. It's dangerous even, I need to treat this vessel better it's fragile as is. I've had a couple nights I thought a drink or two would be nice. There was 1 night it was pretty bad, shocked me actually, as I never considered I had a problem with alcohol. I've made it a month, how can I even entertain the idea of one more hurrah? And throw that month away? This will be more challenging than I originally thought, but it's worth it.

[nathank77]

8/31/24

10:27 a.m Added to significantly 11:05 a.m

Anyways now that I highlighted that dream bc I feel it was very significant. They didn't find the bacteria for a uti.... maybe I have a kidney stone I'm passing? Idk.

My genitals were feeling a burning sensation. I def had a little pain urinating a few times yesterday. I never took the antibiotics. I might go to the ER today or tomorrow.

The burning sensation could be from the new soap. The pain while urinating idk. All I know is the last time my genitals felt a burn I had a uti..

I want to complain of pain in my kidneys and get a scan of my whole urinary tract. It could take a month for my PCP to see me, and send me to a specialist.

I don't really have symptoms of a uti and or kidney stone minus those two things...

But yea. Why would I get that sensation two different times in a month and once was a uti and the other time idk what it is.

I didn't use the new soap earlier this month. I know that much.

I do have difficulty passing urine sometimes recently. And uti can often be confused with kidney stones. I drink a lot of caffeine... a lot in the morning bc I'm groggy from xanax.

I don't really want to go to the ER. But this experience taught me one thing:

1) Urgent care isn't useful. I could have started that antibiotic (became resistant to it bc of my mrsa) found out on the third day of treatment that I didn't need the antibiotic right as I finished it bc I had a 3 day course.

-also a 3 day course builds resistance per some research and I'm sure she only gave me a 3 day course bc IM TRANS AND SHE HATED ME ONCE I SAID THAT I COULD SEE IT IN HER EYES.

- She even said we have a self cleaning oven. FUCK YOU CUNT THERE IS NO WE. IM NOT A GIRL YOU FUCKING CUNT. IM INTERSEXED.

- urgent care the test results for anything that isn't an emergency takes days.

-the er I would have had my results back before i left. I would have had my whole urinary tract scanned and found out if anything was wrong that day.

- I'm not going to urgent care anymore. Growing up in Meriden I learned to go to urgent care If you don't want to sit in the waiting room of the er for 12 hours.

-in my current town, the er never has more than a hour wait and I'd say actually a 20 minutes wait. And everything gets tested and results gets pulled ASAP.

-I'm glad despite the trauma that I said I was trans bc she was going to give me cipro... and I was reading about cipro and it's a rather dangerous antibiotic..... but it's useful for penile uti bc they can spread to the prostate... but it's actually banned in certian countries bc of neurological issues caused by side effects...

- if I go to the er I can talk about anitboditics assuming I need them now that I am knowledgeable about them... I want one I've already taken such as amoxcilian. Or Bactrim.

- and if I go to the er I won't potentially build resistant to an antibiotic bc I take it when I don't need to....... it's really dangerous when you have MRSA. I've been taking antibiotics for most of my life and MRSA kills you eventually from antibiotics resistance. So I made the right call.

- from now on I'm going to the ER. Meriden taught me the ER was a day trip..... it's not in my town. And from here on out I won't tell providers I'm trans. Now that I have antibiotics knowledge. Cause she recommended cipro bc it's good for penile utis... and if I had taken it I could have suffered serious side effects and it wouldn't have helped.

- if I have to admit I'm trans, I'm going to say it like this, "I'm trans, I don't have bottom surgery (I said it like this but left out this part) I don't want to hear the word vagina, or any female identifying words, as it's triggering and disrespectful to my entire identity and my genitals are different than a biological female but closer to female than male."

- I'll say, "I've had too many providers say these words to me when they found out I'm trans and it's disrespectful to my entire identity and I'm telling you I'm trans only bc it's relevant to my issue and my treatment and I want to be treated with respect. If you must use words that will trigger me say uterus or words that identify internal organs that may have issues when you get the test results as I understand using some of these words when needed. But please don't start saying vagina 10 times bc it happens almost everytime and this is a mutual respect environment and it's not respectful. So please take the knowledge I provides you with and help me. And please treat me with respect."

- what's disgusting is everytime I look for a therapist I have to give them this lecture but a little differently. Everytime I look for a Dr I have to give them a lecture. When the fuck is safe zone training going to be a thing. A real thing. What do you call a transguys additional hole? Not a vagina. It's called the front hole..genitals can be used in exchange for vagina... and I get if say I have a Cyst in my uterus why you got to say that but everything else can be avoided!

I'm sick of being disrespected. When I went to a pcp before I found mine once she found out I was trans vagina started pouring out of her mouth. She said it like 15 times bc they want to make you feel female.

When I saw a therapist once she asked me, "so you were born female?" 3 or 4 times to make me feel female. And then she asked me my birth name. And I refused to tell her.

- when I went to urgent care, the other day vagina just started pouring out of her mouth and female and we, we, we like I'm the same as her. She asked me if I had a vagina like 3 times. I didn't even answer her. If I say I don't have bottom surgery. That means that I don't have a cis penis you fucking cunt. I won't fucking answer that question bc I don't identify with having a vagina bc I have intersexed parts.

I'm just so sick of dealing with it.

Idk if I'm going to the er but part of me thinks it's a good idea to get a prompt scan but I'm worried I'll be called a female in as many ways as they can possibly get away with. And giving a lecture to get treated with respect is very tiresome. It makes seeking care seem well pointless and more damaging than helpful bc..... it hurts your fucking soul. To be stuck in a powerless position and be forced to listen. This isn't a friend who you can block. This is a Dr pateint relationship and you need their help.

What can you do? Deal with disrespect or deal with medical complications.

[jjsanguine]

Tagged by @distant-screaming

coffee or tea: I drink green tea with watered down juice all day every day but I have never drunk coffee. It smells like a fragrant wood rather than food and caffeine makes me wired so I have no desire to try it. I think black tea is gross and I've never tried other varieties

early bird or night owl: I have a sleep disorder so whether I'm going to be feeling alert in the middle of the night or early in the morning or in the afternoon varies from month to month. If I could choose I'd be both but asleep in the afternoon

chocolate or vanilla: it depends on the food and the heat level. I like both for baked goods, only vanilla for ice cream, chocolate milk is good hot or cold and vanilla milk is bad hot or cold

spring or fall: those don't exist anymore because of climate change but when they did, autumn

silver or gold: gold, but I have cheap jewelry so wear and tear turns it silver anyways lmao

pop or alternative: i listen to music in all sorts of genres. Pop, rock, afropop, afrobeats, Afrobeat (a completely different thing), indie rock, jazz, soul, rap... basically the only thing that turns me off a song immediately is if they have a very high pitched voice throughout, because then I can't sing along easily. Sorry sopranos

freckles or dimples: I only have a dimple but I think both look nice on other people

snakes or sharks: snakes, I can't swim

mountains or fields: fields, elevation changes make my body hurt

thunder or lightning: thunder

egyptian mythology or greek mythology: Egyptian, I think hieroglyph cursive looks cool, but Greek letters are just Latin slightly to the left

ivory or scarlet: scarlet

flute or lyre: I have no opinion Imao

opal or diamond: diamond, I like transparent rocks

butterflies or honeybees: bees as long as they stay outside

macarons or éclairs: accidentally caused an ant infestation in my grandmother's house with cadbury eclairs as a child but almonds are disgusting so it's a difficult question

typewritten or handwritten: both give me RSIs but I like calligraphy

secret garden or secret library: secret garden. I already have a secret library on my phone. Actually if the secret library has a kitchen and bathroom then that because that's just a functional house

rooftop or balcony: never been on a rooftop

spicy or mild: spicy, stereotypical Yoruba person I know. Savoury food just feels like it's missing something without pepper.

opera or ballet: opera even though I

have more experience doing ballet than opera. As beautiful as it looks ballet shreds your body

london or paris: London because I live there and also because everyone in France smokes

vincent van gogh or claude monet: no opinion

denim or leather: denim clothes, leather shoes

potions or spells: potions are spells? Still potions because I'm actually quite bad at speaking aloud

ocean or desert: ocean

mermaids or sirens: whichever one isn't trying to drown me

masquerade ball or cocktail party: ball. I already wear a mask in public all the time also why would I go to a party with no real food, just on the principle of the thing

Tagging everyone who sees this and wants to play.

[1d1195]

I've never seen the show Glimore Girls! Ive heard good things about it though so i'll add it to my list to watch! I'm not a coffee drinker because it just makes my anxiety hell lol I wish I could though sometimes its SO tempting. The tea leaves are very common in Mexico and are even used in some dishes but personally I think it tastes so gross lol

NOT THE DOGGY PADDLE BAHHAH i chose to do that one too lol

15 MINUTES!? THE WHOLE LENGTH OF THE CAMPUS!? that sounds like a dream😭 Yeah no my campus cannot be walked in 15 minutes lol I think we all makes those jokes haha and what's wild is that I know someone who DID get hit by a student driven bus and she did not get that free tuition lol We have access to campus owned buses and regular city buses/trolley so there's a lot of movement going on which make it insane trying to get to class! Also who doesn't love carbs?! I LOVE pasta and for the past few months garlic bread has been the food i've been hyper fixating on lol The one place i do frequent a lot is the Target that my campus has solely because they have this Kombucha brand that I like. Plus I love target so any little in convince that happens on campus I go straight there hahah

Take your time with Ding! If your still in a place where you need backstory and just setting up the overall story THAT'S OKAY! It makes it so much better when there's build up and tension! I love when stories are a bit of a slow burn, it makes all the action very satisfying to see and there so much character development involved! I know it can be scary to post anything on here but this your blog Sam! You are in control of this and you can do whatever you like!

I've already read part two but im gonna give my thoughts in another ask bc it will be a long one lol so you don't have to respond to this one if you don't want too!-💜

I should NOT drink coffee for the anxiety reason but caffeine dependency is NOT a joke. I don't even feel the caffeine anymore. I love Gilmore Girls some of the jokes haven't aged well at all so please ignore those.

I would fill a swimming pool of alfredo sauce and I would eat garlic bread morning noon and night. I think about Target like once an hour. I think that my longest Target drought was two weeks (I don't even remember why I didn't go).

I'm so glad you mentioned it, because I REALLY am trying to do a slow-burn but I fear I will not be able to make it burn long enough. I am itching for them to smooch already which might be a record. I appreciate your kind thoughts! I think part of me forgets that it's not real life and I can make them literally do whatever I want? Like I don't have to explain the time it takes for them to fall in love if I don't really feel like it 😭💕😍 (I peeked ahead and saw your 2 months comment hehehehe) It was a choice but I needed a bit of time to space some things out. I don't think you'll see a time jump like that again in this one. Or at least not pointed out like that.

CAN'T WAIT TO DIVE INTO YOUR BRAIN ABOUT PART 2!

xoxo

[eroaneki]

Lately I have had such intense feelings of not belonging anywhere. I don't fit in, I shouldn't be talking to certain people, I'm now allowed to do certain things, etc. I feel awkward and out of place all of the fucking time, even interacting with people online. I fear I'm going to say the wrong thing or do something that's stupid. I'm afraid to exist in any form whatsoever.

I've been exercising and dieting and it's not working. I have no clue why. My cycles are completely fucked up and I feel like I've been in a two week death loop. I keep feeling like it's finally going to be the start of my period and I just keep spotting. But until my actual period starts I'm going to be stuck in this hyper-anxious state where I feel like at any moment I'm going to sever all ties with reality and no longer be part of the world.

Getting blood work done to test hormones doesn't matter because everything always comes back normal when clearly this isn't. The answer is birth control but I can't take it because of migraines with aura. I feel like I'm slowly developing like schizophrenia or something. I'm so fucking paranoid all of the time and nothing seems right and I can't get over the fucking speed hump that is my ability to be a fully connected and aware person at all times.

Physically intimacy doesn't exist anymore because I am so thoroughly disgusted with myself on a daily basis that I just want to give up. I keep having people ask me "you're getting married soon, aren't you?" and it just makes me feel like a fucking complete failure in life because I am so overwhelmed by the thought of having to try on a wedding dress and knowing full well I'm going to hate the way I look in every single one of them. Because I hate the way I look in general.

I don't see myself as a thing or a person worth celebrating. But I'm also 33 and I don't have the luxury of time anymore to be a depressed sack of shit because I'm getting older and I feel myself getting older. I'm so tired all of the time and everything is such a horrific hurdle to overcome. To get up everyday and remember to brush my teeth and eat good food and get exercise and brush my hair, shower, drink enough water, drink enough caffeine to avoid a headache but not too much or you'll have a panic attack, socialize, go to work, exist exist exist exist exist

Have babies, figure out how to get married when you can't fucking plan anything to save your life even if it's something that benefits you because you feel crushing guilt for allowing yourself anything good. You have to hide everything that makes you feel happy and good because everyone will take it away from you if they find out. Everyone will be horrified and laugh at you and alienate you if you are happy about anything.

I woke up at 130 last night to the first panic attack I've had in probably 2 months but I know it's due to all of this plus my cycle being so fucked up. But it's fucked up because I'm exercising and eating differently but still gaining weight so my body doesn't know wtf to do and honestly neither do I bro. Neither do fucking I.

I have therapy today and I don't even know how to go about addressing any of it without making my therapist think I need to be committed. That's another thing I'm afraid of with therapy. Like if I talk about how bad my thoughts get sometimes I'm afraid she's gonna pull the fucking trigger and be like "oh you need inpatient help" and quite honestly that would just make everything worse.

I just want to know how to exist like a normal person. Like how do people go about their day-to-day and not feel crushing guilt for being alive. Like their existence isn't a plague on society. I just wanna know how to do that and I'll be fine.

[scrumptious-finicky-illusion]

This has been going through my mind a lot lately. It's such a devastating reply to wield against assholes, bad-faith arguers, and the fucking fun police (aka puritanical busybodies, terves, and fascists).

I got fired from my new(ish) job 10 days ago. I loved the little group I worked with and a lot of other employees outside of the group. But I was a bad fit for the way the company wanted things done. I wasn't methodical enough, organized enough, or fast enough. I got written up for the things I did to address the problems they wrote me up for in the first place, and I didn't even think to push back on anything they said, even though I was literally using their methods to try and "improve." My last week there, my supervisor pretty much acted like I didn't exist. Which made me think that maybe, just maybe all the maximum effort I was putting in was finally paying off. Boy, did I feel extra dumb walking out of the office on Friday. Getting the silent treatment now makes me think they made the decision to let me go even before my probation period was up. I was am devastated.

Even though the job (technically the employees) gave me some weird this feels wrong vibes from my first week. At least it was better than my last job, which was pretty abusive from the get go, that I just kept tolerating and working around, for many years.

Cue me using all of last week to not get out of bed but also to go through all 5 stages of grief in random order (with the support of my partner). Financially we're okay. Mentally I've had my entire (tiny) stock of confidence in myself pulled out from under me, and my depression, which was slowly starting to lessen with me having a job, hit some new lows. Do you know how shameful it feels to talk to people who ask me about my job that I got fired? I don't either. I've just avoided talking to anyone who isn't either my bestie or living in my house (a whole two people).

But that picture up there, that particular quote, from a website I used to enjoy that got hijacked by a real life Justin Hammer, those words, now try saying something true and beautiful kept rattling around in my head.

I've been avoiding food. Feeling shaky because of low blood sugar feels better than feeling like I was so wrong blind about how things were going at my job.

My partner was away at a convention all weekend, so I got to be alone with myself in a way I don't often get to. No agenda, no plans, no putting everyone else first to allow me to neglect myself, just doing what I wanted when I wanted. It was great, because my life was finally quiet enough for me to hear what I wanted to do (or not do).

I left all my work crap in my car for most of the week. I brought my office plant into the house and saw it had a post it note stuck in the dirt. It had a phone number I thought I'd forgotten to get.

I cried.

I went to the grocery store to get one thing that my brain allowed me to eat (an ethnic cookie). I also bought a bunch other stuff, anything my brain even perked up a little bit at the thought of. I was debating fast food options while at the market, and once I was out, I decided not to think about it anymore and just go get the Loki Season 2 meal from the drive through. It's been so long since I just-- ordered a combo, the cashier had to ask me if I wanted a Coke. Yep. Large? Yep. So I got my two packets of Loki-show branded sweet and sour sauce.

<Kronk voice>And I drank most of that there Coca Cola fountain drink at 3pm in the afternoon. The one with the real sugar in it. The kind of soda I don't normally drink. You know, one that had more caffeine in that serving than I'd had over the entire month before. The quantities of caffeine I usually avoid.

The Large®.

</Kronk voice>

And then came the ideas. There were plot bunnies that I didn't just sit around and dream about. There was writing. There was some rewriting. There was more writing. I was up until 3 or so. Lay in bed until about 8:30 am continuing to work (but on my phone) Came out and put it on my laptop, kept going all day yesterday until 2am, and started again today until I felt about 80 percent done with the barf-it-all-out-on-the-page kind of writing and 20 percent done with the snap-all-the-pieces-onto-the-timeline-slash-grid editing.

I noticed that my writing is both architectural and garden-like at the same time. Like an espaliered apple tree.

(I think that's an apple tree.) You can make trees do tricks like this, and they'll produce hella more fruit in way less space, but only if you train it on a grid or wires or a lattice from a very young age. Every year the tree branches get a little bigger and a little longer, and you bend them carefully until they go the way you have planned. It's fussy. It takes time and regular attention (exactly the way my brain doesn't work).

But I can throw a few sentences on a page, keep going, look up at what came before and see that it needs a few words added in here and there, keep going, look up again and add a few more words in other places, again and again, etcetera, ad nauseum. Start at the top and do it all again. It's cool to see my sentences grow like that.

Should I say that acquiring The Loki Sauce cured my writer's block? It would be irresponsible to. But I think I will anyway.

If you are reading this, all the way down here at the end of the post, bless you. Thanks for reading.