#also i can write romantic scenes a lot better than i initially thought i just need to lock in and shit just starts happening

[investingestincest]

Well, we're officially fucked but I learned that I'm more of a dialogue first actions seconds kinda writer

[moony-2001]

Lore Olympus ep. 254 critique

Well I can officially say that Persephone is the most selfish person in the comic

What in the Disney ripoff

So obviously it’s too late and Zeus is poisoned and ✨wow, how convenient✨ Apollo is suddenly there with Leto (who btw we haven’t seen in almost 100 episodes). I don't really want to focus on his confrontation with Eros and Psyche, because let's be real, it wasn't much of a confrontation. No, instead I want to focus on this:

My first thought when I saw the whole blackmail scene coupled with this was "What in the Lion King is this bullshit." Seriously. This is almost verbatim to what Scar says to Simba (except Scar as a villain is actually intimidating and Apollo, well...).

But here's the thing. This is how stupid Apollo is as a villain. Hebe has the least to gain from Zeus' poisoning and death. Look at the list of children that could stand to benefit from Zeus' demise:

An angry War god who was banished to the mortal realm for years by Zeus for pissing him off. Additionally, Zeus slept with his then-romantic partner and was implied to sleep with her often

The estranged daughter who literally thrives on chaos and is basically the goddess of "it's getting a little too chummy around here" who has beef with not only Zeus, but also Hera

A newly revealed son who has a tendency to heavily push boundaries and can't take no for an answer. This son additionally has been making moves to gain power politically

Compare this to Hebe, who we have only seen being kind to Zeus. No where in the comic is she seen harboring any kind of resentment towards him. Even when she criticizes him, it is gentle and she doesn’t push any further when he lays down the law.

Not only that but the whole prophecy- the usurp of power prophecy that Uranus got about Kronos, and Kronos got about his children, and so on- only applies to the sons of the tyrant in question. That was established in the myths, both in the Theogony and the Metamorphosis via a prophecy that usually came from Gaia. So that immediately takes Eris off the suspect list by virtue of the fact that she is a goddess. But even then, Hebe still shouldn't be a suspect.

How is Rachel expecting people to fall for this? Even her audience in some respect is calling out Apollo for being "back on his bullshit". Yet I can almost guarantee that everyone is going to fall for it because the only 2 gods who actually know are trapped in jail, Cassandra is probably going to disappear from the narrative for a while, and the rest of the general cast of characters only shares 2 brain cells between the lot of them. I can't wait to see this drag out over the course of, like, 15 episodes.

The most selfish thing

I just… wow. I have no words. Except yes I do or otherwise I wouldn’t be making this post. So we transition to the second half of the chapter where Persephone talks about her nonexistent connection with the snow and how maybe, just maybe, this is all her. Just like her act of wrath and what she did to Minthe, she has no one to blame but herself. And then she straight up goes “nah”.

I will be the first to admit, the way Rachel wrote Demeter during Persephone's homecoming/proposal was horrific. Demeter behaved horribly to Persephone. Now, I more blame Rachel for poor writing because if you have to make side characters look worse so your protagonists can look better, you suck at writing. BUT that does not excuse Demeter's initial actions and behavior toward Persephone.

However, in this situation, Demeter is not putting Persephone down for what she’s done. Obviously, Demeter is distressed, but she basically says “You tried, but now it’s time for the adults to handle it” and Hades agrees. He fucking agrees.

Demeter is far more capable and mature than Persephone due to being around for thousands of years. Demeter has had experience, she’s worked hard at maintaining everything, and she has even had hardships and failures. But because of this, she is a very very powerful goddess. Thus it makes the most sense for Demeter to step in to handle this situation. It is what's best for everyone, most of all for the mortal realm, which has been immediately affected.

But because Persephone has been told over and over that she’s hot shit, she's special (and has been treated as such), her ego can’t take the blow. She can’t take the L. She makes everything worse because she can’t stand the idea that she’s not special and that she's not this big bad goddess who has control over her abilities.

To me, this is so selfish. Persephone acknowledges that everything is dead. She acknowledges that she is the cause of this destruction. Yet she knowingly makes it worse because her ego can not handle the fact that she isn’t miss fucking perfect. This is the epitome of a child’s temper tantrum- like how when Nemo swims out to sea to touch the boat after Marlin tells him he can't do it. Because that’s what Persephone is. A child. In this case, it does not matter that she’s the age of an adult mortal woman. She is a god. She hasn’t even been around for 100 years. She still doesn’t have a handle on her powers. Persephone is being immature and selfish by stomping her feet and going “No, I can do it." Because of that, she makes everything so much worse.

Hades naturally makes this worse by enabling her. Although I genuinely can’t say I’m surprised since Hades has a history (especially post-marriage) of enabling Persephone’s bad behavior (like rewarding Persephone with sex after destroying the apartment of Leuce and threatening to kill her). When asked rightfully by Demeter if he’s going to do anything to try and talk her off the wall since Persephone has a history of not listening to anything Demeter has to say, Hades basically goes “Nah, my hands are tied, nothing I can do”, Despite the fact that he saw the destruction she caused and ACKNOWLEDGED IT WAS TIME FOR THE ACTUAL ADULTS TO STEP IN. This could’ve been a great moment for someone who wasn’t portrayed as a force against H&P (like the main love interest/husband) to hold her accountable. To say “That’s enough”. But nooooooo. No one, not even her own husband, is allowed to get in Persephone’s way.

Thus, Persephone continues to cause mass destruction and death until she passes out (this is important to note) and Demeter rightfully loses her damn shit.

Final thoughts

This is, I think, the worst chapter of Lore Olympus. Genuinely. As I stated in my last post, I had no idea where Rachel was going to take the whole “Persephone causes winter” idea and that there was no way she could make it more feminist than the original hymn. And boy was I right. Because I guess nothing is more feminist to Rachel than an ego-fueled power trip that results in the death of life in the mortal realm and also probably a good portion of the mortals who probably aren’t built to handle this kind of weather (by Persephone’s own admission that the mortal realm doesn’t get cold).

I'd also like to end on this note: if you're going to be a writer or artist or comic writer, don't treat your audience like they're fucking stupid.

Remember that little note I made about how it's important to remember that Persephone passes out? Yeah, well, that's because Persephone is actually unconscious and not dead. In literature and media today, people often use some version of the phrase "you've killed [x]" as a way to say not that whatever [x] is, is actually dead, but that it died in a metaphorical sense. You see a great example of this in the season finale of Arcane with Jinx. Powder doesn't actually die; Jinx is still very much alive. But Jinx metaphorically obliterated Powder to make room for the new her. The new Jinx, unburdened by her old self.

And that's what Demeter is saying. Hell, Hades even said that Persephone wasn't dead after presumably checking her vitals. Anyone who read the chapter would recognize this. But I guess Rachel thinks her audience doesn't have more than a 4th-grade level of reading comprehension because why else would she put in this, frankly demeaning, message at the end.

Oh boy. Welp. See y'all in my next post.

[doki-doki-lesbians-club]

hello! please rant about the comphet subtext in ddlc. i wanna hear it so bad please please please please please

Hi! I think I've written on this before, but I can't recall when or where, so I'll try and recall as many points as I can!

This'll be a long one, so under the cut!

For starters, let's talk base game. Obviously, all four girls fall for the MC and that's that. However, watching the ways that the other club members interact, it's pretty clear to many players that they have feelings beyond just friendship.

Namely, I sight Natsuki's poems. First off, the poem "Amy Likes Spiders" can be read as Yuri's love of horror (which is how I initially read it when I first played). However, it's also pretty easy to read this as either Natsuki's experience being trans, or being gay. Either way, that makes the entire narrative of the poem make sense, and also explains lines like "I tried not to let her touch me. She likes spiders, so her hands are probably gross." as well as "It doesn't matter if she has other hobbies. It doesn't matter if she keeps it private. It doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone.

It's gross. She's gross. The world is better off without spider lovers."

Seems pretty clear, right? These lines may feel intense and out of place with other readings, but when you imagine Natsuki being outed to her shit friends as gay, or trans, it all starts to make sense.

Have you ever read the poem "I'll Be Your Beach"? Because it's gay as all hell!

We're led to assume that the romantic poems Natsuki and Yuri write are about the MC, but that would be odd to imagine when reading this poem. Natsuki writes about "your heavy thoughts", "your insecurities", and "your memories" and ends by saying "You'll learn to love yourself again." When, exactly, did the MC express any of these sentiments? Let alone to Natsuki?? But I think it would be pretty easy to connect all of these points to another girl: Yuri.

It's easy to see some strong subtext here for gay Natsuki (and maybe trans too, if you wanna see that). But when we break into the Side Stories, this is where it gets real interesting...

MC is not there. The Side Stories are purely scenes to read through to watch the Literature Club form for the first time as all the girls meet each other and get to know one another. Because of this, we get to see more of them and their feelings toward each other than we could have ever dreamed of in the base game!

Without giving too many spoilers for some of the best scenes in the entire game: the Side Stories are pretty gay. It's nearly impossible to ignore. These girls are clearly imagining each other as more than just friends, are going through some feelings. Each pairing even gets their own spotlight, and we see how each and every one of them has some interest in each other, which is a stark difference from the base game.

The main difference? MC is not there.

The base game has a lot of themes surrounding control, reality, and choices (or the lack thereof). Not only are all the girls destined (or "programmed") to fall in love with MC, it can't be avoided, even by Monika, who wasn't meant to have a route at all. They were already playing with the ideas of fate, and programming, and free will, but what happens when you remove the object that decided their fate?

Well, when we removed MC from the scenario altogether, we see the girls happier, getting along better, and showing interest in one another that we only got in subtext in the base game. To me, this leads to another theme of choice and control: compulsive heterosexuality. If part of the "generic dating sim" frame of their reality is forcing them to express interest in the male protagonist, even if they couldn't care less and really are interested in each other, that's the same themes but on a whole new level.

Left to their own devices, the girls are happy and expressing interest in one another. In the "game" they are forced to play roles in, we see their problems exacerbate, their situation spiraling, as they all desperately cling to the MC as the object of their affection. Seems pretty comphet to me.

Thank you sooo much for this ask! It's been a while since I wrote a long post like this! :D Speaking outside of my own trans/gay perspective, it seems pretty hard to imagine any other future for these girls in light of the Side Stories. And to that extent, I think the Side Stories gives us a window into a happier world; one where they are all free to grow and thrive as who they are, regardless of what that means for each of them! I think that's only further fueled this wonderful fandom: seeing them happy.

and gay.

Thanks again for the ask~!

[diantheia]

Because it's a week away from valentine's day, I thought to write you all an extremely educational essay on entity hotness. Disclaimer: not to be taken seriously.

I’m going to preface this essay by saying that when asking the question ‘what makes an entity hot?’, we can only use canon, in game details. No headcanons, no fan designs, nothing. This is due to the fact that the vast majority will have their first exposure to the entity’s being that of in game (playing, watching another) and therefore the initial build up to them finding a specific entity hot will be based on that, not anything found in fanworks. 

From observations of the fanbase as a whole, the three widely considered hot entities would be Seek, Rush and Figure. None of these are universal (even if Figure should be) but it would appear that the significant majority would agree. So, what makes them hot and the others not? Well, it would be fair to say that these three are actually the natural choices to be the objects of fan simpery, a statement I shall explain. 

First, we shall look at Rush. What makes them hot?

Firstly: exposure. A real first come, first serve scenario. If I asked you to name me a Mario enemy, most of you would probably say Goomba, because they are the most common. Ergo, if I had someone who had never touched Doors before play the game a few times and then asked them to name me an entity, Rush would likely be the one due to the frequency of their spawn rates. It would also likely be their first, and therefore most memorable, death.

Focusing on the death aspect, Rush’s kill scene is unique compared to the others, with it being so goddamn long and slow (ironic). If it was just another quick, jumpscare death, it would easily be forgettable. But instead, you are forced to stare into the maw of death and wait until it eventually claims you. How romantic. 

Rush does have some drawbacks in the ‘hot’ department. For starters, they do not have a very unique design. Just a big old head. Their colour palette is very similar to various (Seek, Dupe, Screech) other entities, so visually they shouldn’t stand out very much. 

So really, the only thing that canon Rush has going for them is the fact that they are the first and most memorable enemy you encounter. Rush is scooping up all the early deaths, and all the early simps.

Second, we shall look at Seek. What makes them hot?

Arguably, a lot more things than Rush. Seek is one of the few entities with a 3D model, and therefore there is no need for creative thinking to know what you are getting into. Seek is tall… people like tall people. Has their own theme. Chases after you. Slime???? Is pretty much the poster child of Doors. You get the picture. 

Yes, its design, much like Rush’s, could be considered fairly basic. The colour palette is similar. The difference with Rush is that Seek’s lack of physical defining features works a lot better with what it is doing; an imitation of a human body. Almost an uncanny valley deal. 

I’d argue, unfortunately, that if any of the entities were basically custom designed to garner the desires of people, they’d be the one.

Third, we shall look at Figure. What makes them hot?

Everything.

Ok, but seriously. I can list a few things with Figure which would draw people to them. Much like Seek, they have an actual 3D model. Figure is also considered the main antagonist of the hotel, being both the mid boss and final boss (who doesn’t love the villain???). Big and tall. Chases after you???? What that mouth do? 

Design wise, they stand out a lot more from the rest of the entities. It is unique, and there is no other like them.

Honourable mention: Ambush.

Ambush do be pretty hot: but why?

Well, mechanically, they’re similar to Rush, so they can’t stand out that much. They also have a low spawn rate, and you might not even hear from them for multiple run attempts, so they definitely don’t have the exposure factor. What they do have going for them, however, is their design. Compared to the rest of the entities, there is none like them. Their colour scheme is not typical for a monster, it is a bright green, and compared to the majority of other entities, which have more muted colours, they stand out like a sore thumb. This uniqueness is the driving factor to make Ambush hot.

Other things to consider.

Dupe and the Rooms entities were added later into the games life than the others, so woefully do not have the same advantage as the rest. A significant portion of the player base would have already chosen their object of simpery and therefore they will likely have fewer.

Eyes, although unique in palette, have similar characteristics to Seek (many eyes). They’re gimmick is about NOT looking at them, which sucks if you really wanna look at them. Low spawn also means lack of exposure.

Halt looks like a basic ghost, and lacks exposure. I don’t know what else to say?

To conclude, it is obvious to me why the three most considered hot entities are considered that way. However, tastes can differ, as there are people who are interested in entities other than the ones stated, and people can afford to simp for multiple. They can all be hot if you really try.

Except Figure is the hottest.

[davyjoneslockr]

Narancia for the character game! Or, if someone else beat me to Nara, Coco Jumbo

(For this ask game)

First impression: Okay so fun fact, my partner is a huge Narancia fan, and has been since before we met (which was actually because of JJBA lol, but I digress), so before I got to Vento Aureo, I already knew quite a bit about him from their infodumping. So I went into it kinda biased, but I did really like him from the start. I thought he was cute and fun and was a good silly childish character to balance out all the depressing shit happening elsewhere.

Impression now: Hhhhhhhhh. Love this little dude. I think he’s the second-best written character in that part (behind Bucciarati) and he occupies so much of my brain at all times you have no idea. He’s cute and silly, but not innocent, and his whole story really emphasizes the tragedy of VA. I like that, on a level only comparable to Giorno, he exercises a ton of agency – not only in getting on the boat, but by disobeying Bucciarati’s orders to leave Passione alone and go home. People don’t talk enough about how, unlike the others, Narancia actually had the chance to live a normal life, but didn’t take it. Narancia effectively ruined his own life for the sake of companionship. Augh. And I sobbed so hard over his death. Still do every time I watch it. Whatever. Fantastic character I adore him

Favorite moment: That scene where he’s in the turtle with Trish, and, even though she’s trying to hide her feelings, he reads her perfectly and lays everything out in a way that shocks even her. Even though there’s a lot of jokes about Narancia’s book smarts, he’s really fucking emotionally intelligent – more than anyone else in the gang, I’d say, easily – and that’s super important. It’s the reason he was able to get on the boat when Fugo wasn’t. There’s a few moments in Purple Haze Feedback, in flashbacks, where Narancia holds the fact that he’s older over Fugo’s head, and jokingly equates age with superiority and experience or whatever. But the truth is, he actually is wiser and understands the world better than Fugo (or, really, anyone else). Genuinely love that so much.

Idea for a story: Hopping on the pre-canon train again, but I really want to write about the period after Bucciarati sends him back home to return to school, up to the point where he goes behind his back and joins the gang. Unlike everyone else, he didn’t have Bucciarati to guide him towards Polpo, nor did he likely know what a stand was before his initiation. He had to figure all that out by himself and go into it blind. I don’t see enough fanwork about that, and it’s a shame, because I think there’s a lot of really interesting stuff to theorize about there.

Unpopular opinion: Hate hate HATE it when people treat him like a toddler. Like I said, he’s not innocent, and while he can be a bit childish, the infantilization he gets from the fandom is a bit much. Every time I see someone claim he should’ve been younger than Fugo, I’m like. NO. THATS THE POINT. LIKE I SAID HE’S OLDER AND WISER AND MORE MATURE AND THAT’S IMPORTANT. Also I feel like it’s weird how people constantly portray him like a child and rag on his intelligence when it seems likely that he has a learning disorder but we’re not ready for that conversation are we.

Favorite relationship: Ohh boy where do I start. Romantically I obviously adore Naramis and I really like Naratrish as well. Friends to lovers who act as each other’s solace from the horrors of their daily life + two sides of the same coin who naturally seem to understand each other but have to work to see where their own self projection ends and the other begins. Both fantastic dynamics imo. And his relationship with Fugo drives me insane oh my goddd. They’re exes they’re best friends they hurt each other constantly they love each other so deeply they know each other so well they’ll never be able to fully understand each other. They’re soulmates but not in a romantic sense just in two people who wouldn’t be complete had the other not occupied a space in their life. Etc.

Favorite headcanon: HIS SKIRT WAS HIS MOM’S AND HE TOOK IT WHEN HE RAN AWAY FOR GOOD also when he’s older because he lives to be older shhhh he gets a little growth spurt and ends up just barely taller than Fugo smiles. Autistic ADHD icon as well :]

[ozziescribbler]

Can you tell me your opinion on the "dead mom" trope in Hotel Transylvania with Martha Dracula, and explain why "love at first sight" is a harmful trope?

I don't mind "dead mom" in writing all that much... Execution is what makes or breaks that trope. Hotel Transylvania, very much like Finding Nemo, at least has enough dignity to show how the widower dad's grief and trauma influences his approach to single parenting. Which is more than can be said about Disney princesses having dead mothers. Disney dead mom became a pattern to such a degree that Moana's mom allegedly got resurrected during late writing stages (it's quite obvious when you notice how small her role is compared to dad and grandma). Seems like unless widowed dad is a (co-)protagonist, there will be a lot less thought put into making his kid a half-orphan. So yeah, Martha Dracula/Lady Lubov being dead was never the problem.

The problem is Hotel Transylvania's entire philosophy around love, and how in the climax of the first movie Martha is used to legitimize the entire fucking "zing" idea. In one single scene, the script's ENTIRE PHILOSOPHY turns out to be "For a Zing only happens once in your life." The Dead Mom has spoketh and she can not possibly be wrong because moms who are dead are always good and right about everything and only their widowed husbands errr! See: Deceased Parents Are the Best, The Lost Lenore and Too Good for This Sinful Earth on TV Tropes.

It should really go without saying, but let's say it anyway. It's wrong. It's fucked up. It's amatonormative. This movie says that love at first sight is real and that you should blindly follow it because you won't get another chance at it. Imprinting is real and good and fuck you if you think otherwise, I guess. Because it's not like tons of people, in real life AND fiction, happily fall in love more than once or end up in toxic relationships just because there was initial attraction (dare I say, a zing), right? /s

And, as @wormwoodworms commented under my last post about HT, it's just a bad, lazy trope to play straight:

What's the point of love story if it says that true, undying love starts at eye contact? If the movie's central subplot is Jonathan/Mavis romance then WHY can't they just naturally grow attracted to each other? WHY their first impression ("Zing") is given so much significance over the scenes them getting to know one another?

Ironically, as I said before, it's a good thing this flashback to Dracula couple meet cute was left on cutting room floor:

It's sentimental for its own sake and adds nothing. This romance is sufficiently established in other scenes of the final movie. If they left that in, Mavis' dead mom would basically have better established romantic plotline than Mavis herself.

Also, as much as I appreciate third movie letting Dracula move the fuck on and retconning the "once in a lifetime" part for him, BY THE FIRST MOVIE'S LOGIC his second love is illegitimate and he should not marry Ericka. Fuck you, Drac, be lonely and miserable for the rest of your unlife because your one and only zing is dead!

[staraxiaa]

i really enjoyed porcelain! i loved how u repeated different phrases and lines throughout the fic to show how deeply the readers upbringing has been pressed into her character and her belief system. i thought that it was really realistic in terms of how abuse can look. i liked the different types of relationships she had with shouto and how that evolved over the course of their lives. it was really sweet how similar their thoughts about each other were but how their upbringings and fears held them back from being with each other earlier. i also really liked the brother character in terms of how he stood up for the reader at times but was also similarly trapped. i like the idea of them going no contact with their parents and the reader having her brother in her life as someone she can actually talk to and rely on. i think it’s really great that she’ll have someone other than shouto who knows intimately about her childhood and how she was raised. i also loved loved loved the intimacy that she and shouto had. it felt very natural and quiet but still very powerful in how it was expressed and constantly proven. i liked how shouto was there to talk to her about what she went through and what her life is like without pushing her. and i wont lie i did want them to kiss so bad, i really wanted reader to experience physical intimacy that’s just so different from what she’s used to, but i ended up glad that it wasn’t shown on the page and we got a scene of them dancing instead. it felt very reminiscent of their childhood which was very sweet. like damn at the end of the day they’ve been in love since they were kids and in some ways they’re picking up where they left off and in other ways they’re entirely different people. either way i thought the development of their relationship was very romantic but also so so sweetly platonic and trusting.

i yapped a lot

girl (gn) im ugly sobbing omg. first of all, thank you for taking the time to write this! im really glad you enjoyed my usage of repetition and how i portrayed the abuse (in as much of a non-fucked up way as possible) bc those were some of the things i keep on worrying about the most as i finish up this series sdjfklfsdj. like if the repetition is too much / the style i write it in is too soft yk!! like honestly big sigh of relief that u just thought it contributed more to her character / belief system. i

also YAY another brother stan omg u put so much depth to him. like that's exactly what i wanted to portray!! i actually thought there were several ways it could go - i think the concept that started him was 'golden child', 'favored one', but i also think there's also so much more to this dynamic than the stereotype, though it does exist like that ofc. now i actually wish there were more scenes for him LMAO it's gg. anon you've written him better than i ever will. this is canon now idgaf lastly, ugh im literally like. happy beyond words that you enjoyed the intimacy between her/shouto. i think that's one of the tropes that i enjoy most; the softness of falling slowly in love over the years, and that's one of the things i hoped to capture in every single part of this childhood series :^). also! i joke about running from my kiss responsibilities (lowkey i actually am) and ur right i also did want them to kiss so bad to prove myself wrong LDSJA (me when kirishima is probably going to be the first character i write that gets smth beyond a hug... it's So Over). BUT im glad you ended up enjoying it as it was either way. it was always going to end with them dancing (the idea popped into my head like 1k words in and i was like mentally screaming into the voidd some reasoning for the lack of kiss though, besides what you've already added! i think that, with the nature of her/shouto's relationship and the way i view his character, i think that reader would have to be the one to initiate anything. and i also thought that, with the way i ended up writing the final scene/time skip, it didn't make sense for her to kiss him after the marriage proposal, and bc the dance scene was alrdy firmly set in stone, it didn't make sense to me to write another one where i could explore their physical intimacy and then the dance scene yk?? ive actually thought about this a lot LMAO and i sate myself by thinking: the smallest things the reader does make him so happy like. slowly. you guys are already holding hands, so a kiss on the cheek would make him the happiest man on earth. oh here's a bonus scene: at some point he takes you out to see the fireworks. the two of you are sitting, you're tucked snugly into his side, you're watching the fireworks, but when you turn, he's watching you. it's so stupidly romantic. you probably ask him what he's looking at and hes just like 'you'. you flush a little. he kisses the top of your head, grinning like the little shit he is.

i also think it'd take a length of time to get married, so you guys probably do kiss sometime before then. no clue about the scene. but canonically (aka in my head) you guys are just having a normal conversation. like Normal Normal. nothing fancy. and all of a sudden you just lean in and kiss him on the corner of his lips. he touches it, and you can see the shock on his face. dunno if you lie and say 'something there i was just getting it for you' bc im a sucker for that but he only leans a little closer and asks you to do it again. i'd like to think man is patient even tho he desperately wants to (like to the point it's painful to watch) so you have to tell him straight up it's okay to do anything, when you're ready: i.e. initiate kisses and anything else later down the line. once he gets the green light though there's no stopping (he will immediately if u ever tell him) like in my head this man has been basically touch starved all his life and he YEARNS. either way thank u for enjoying the platonic/trusting parts of their relationship i am a Big believer in the concept that the intimacy of love does not need to be shown in physical ways. i was just worried i leaned into the friendship too much and did away with the rest of the romance, but since you said it was romantic!!! i hope these scenes will sate your wish for them to kiss just a little <3

[a1li-ens]

hello if ur still. willnignto talkab slow damage i would lvoeee to knoe ur thoughts on the other love interests and also towa himself as a character ! :3

IM ALWAYS DOWN TO TALK ABOUT IT YIPPEE!! ⭐

adding a cut to this i have a lot of thoughts lol (💖・ω・) (includes spoilers)

👨‍⚕️taku: OK HE IS MIXED FOR ME i like him in routes other than his own LOL i think hes rly fun as like a semi normal acting guy in weirdo town. Its cute he cares a lot about the ppl at the clinic and i like the scenes where he hangs out and eats with towa and rei so much its cute they are a silly family 😭

i think hes really fun as a nice dad or at least big bro in towas life but that is why i dont like his route romantically its WEIRD THAT WAY LOL... bro u have known towa way too long for this.. please fall for some other dilf or something!! his bad end was too much for me and i have a strong stomach !!! (less so the bugs and more the meth slave thing .. get a better hobby sir!!)

but otherwise i like him! him doing meth warcrimes besides the bug related ones are interesting and the whole mansion part of his route was rly cool and fun to read!! also hes just funny i love that hes always responding to things like -_-????

i like the breaking bad pictures.

🍰Rei: I LOVE REI SO MUCH so cute 😭 his was my second fav route in general! hes so sweet and its so cute how much hes always thinking about everyone 😭 i also love how he has so many hobbies he has!! I didnt quite like his route as much from a plot/worldbuilding perspective as much as some of the others+the moneymatch stuff in general was kinda not as interesting just because i think its like. nothing super new or exciting i guess! but im a character writing person so that doesn't bother me lol!

I rly love his self love / acceptance journey.. i am emotional.. even if I visually hate his stupid tiny haircut!! i hope he can lean back into some of his not traditionally manly side after he is comfortable with gender stuff 🥺

I think as a romance route his was rly nice!!! it was cute and sweet and its sweet the ways they support eachother 🥺💖 towa feels very like affectionate in a cat way towards him its cute! I like them as bffs maybe more they are just too cute that way 😭 i want to b reis friend as well

his bad end is GOOD !! towa looks COOL i like the corset ribbons.. i want to see a full body CG what else has he done!! wasnt expecting rei to be the eye pussy one but ill take it .

🐈Madarame: OK.. first half of his route i rly hated him SORRY TO FANS but thinking back on it and playing more i dont hate him now LOL I feel like even after playing i don't know enough about him as i'd like! i want to know what this bitch does in his spare time other than towa lol ?? its cute that he likes cats and i liked him and the boys all eating pizza!! the towa infiltrating in the cute suit part was rly fun too! i wanted to see him talk to mayu and kotarou and stuff more he doesn't talk heaps in general tho hfjhfh

regarding them as boyfriends i am a sappy romance person so their type of affection isn't my normal preference but it suits them! I think that why it was kind of hard to get through the start besides me never rly liking the ⭐problematic guy⭐ route in VNs LOL! but im glad in both endings they are so happy but was a nice surprise! yeah boys u have fun!!

🐇 fujieda : FUJI... I WROTE A LOT IN THE LAST ASK trying to think of new info i didnt write there. I love that he is actually kind of an airhead LOL i feel like he would be rly worried when towa said he caught ligma...... him before he teams up with towa is funny too like how often is he hiding in that concrete pipe???? is he comfy?? i love him.

theres prob more i haven't said about him but ill leave it at his lovingly drawn bazongas for now.

🎨towa: I LOVE TOWA.... LIKE OK... my skrunkly.. initial impressions i love every manslut character by default and he is very nice to look at. his personality is so fun omg what a bitch!!! i love that for him.i am biased because its also my dayjob but him being a medical receptionist is so funny LMFAO he seems terrible at it go king give us nothing !! obviously his hobbies make him rly fun to read about, i rly like his art hes good at it!!

plot and everything else wise UOUGHhhhh he makes me emotional. i am having trouble articulating about him because of this KJHBJHB no matter the routes i love watching him open up his feelings a bit 😭 the way he actually cares about people close to him even though hes been trying to convince himself he doesn't need other ppl gets to me 😭 his vulnerable moments make me emo... him wanting to see fujis scars in the shower especially got to me 🥺😭

his backstory stuff is rly well done too i think his mental health is rly well done in general 😭 but its kinda refreshing its not all magically better either afterwards boys got a lot to work through!!! but i am so glad he can smile in fujis route.. .uuuuu😭😭😭

I rly like how hes upfront and shameless about being gay and a weirdo yeah king own it!!! him being snarky and cheeky all the time is cute too!! i have more to say but i need to work out how to write it. he is important 2 me💖

-----

quick thoughts on non datable character stuff:

Ikuina - I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH i like guys who are so horny they become useless. his euphoria scene is really great LOL i know they dont but it would be fun if he and towa could be friends afterwards. can someone hack the game give him a route .

asakura- HIS TASTES ASIDE i think he was actually really interesting and cool to read about!!!! the angel thing was dope.. towa getting the wings.. so COOL

the guy in reis chap 2 mizuno was it??? was that his brothers name??? anyway i wasnt that interested in him LOL not much to say here

Mayu - SLAY HIS ENDING IS SOOO FUNNY.. stan a guy with like 3-4 clear nendoroids i like him

kotarou- ending should have been in a cleaner bathroom !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eiji- I LOVE EIJI HE IS SOOOO CUTE AND FUN

SORRY TO WRITE AN ESSAY THERE IS SO MUCH I DONT THINK IVE EVEN ADDRESSED HERE LMFAO GAME TOO GOOD!!

[iannageorge]

Tropes and (lack of) consent 

I’ve been writing more about the thought processes behind my fic, “Strategist”. :) This super rambly piece wasn’t supposed to be the first of a series on tropes, but this is done and I might otherwise lose the nerve.  

An everyday blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment coming up in chapter 8 of “Strategist” is bringing this topic to mind, so:

Sometimes, what you write plays out in the real world—and not for the better. Sometimes, it’s the opposite of what you write that ends up playing out—for the worse. 

The Malcolm Pace in my fic is someone who wants to collect enough data before he acts. Galene warns him it can be to his detriment, but he generally sees this as a good thing. As we’ve also seen, that risk aversion carries into his sex life as well. In his speak, I think he’d say: 

It’s not okay to make risky bets that use considerably unfounded assumptions about other people’s boundaries—specifically the assumption that the other person would “want it”. 

Sometimes, when I write those moments of Malcolm navigating consent, I think, Yeah, he doesn’t know for sure, and he has a need to know. What would he do to be sure enough? Other times, I don’t even think about it “seriously” (like, I’m writing this so I can subvert a trope! *pats self on back*); it’s more of, Yeah, he’d do that. Oh lol that’s cute! 

Like when Malcolm asks Rhode, “Would it be all right if I kissed you?”—a question that is already not really in movies/shows I’ve seen portraying “good” relationships—and then on top of that, he also first kisses her cheek… before they have another “Is this okay?” moment when they want to full on kiss on the mouth. 

Or like when Malcolm straight up just looks away when Rhode is changing in the room he’s in.

When it’s Rhode’s actions I’m writing, I think, Okay, she wants to be careful. How is it she’d try to figure out if Malcolm wants this? Especially because she has the upper hand—as a god and as someone with a lot more experience—she ends up flipping the stereotypical gender roles. 

Like when she’s the one who initiates the “you can say no” type of discussion. 

And when she’s promising him she’ll get him home safe. 

Obviously, at some point, I would think about how moments like those flip clichés and such, and I did plan to do that when conceptualizing this novel. And I can’t believe I feel the need to defend myself for wanting to do that and qualify it all with ‘Oh, this is just their characters!’ Because, correct me if I’m wrong, how Malcolm and Rhode behave is how reasonable, considerate people would behave in real life, right? 

I’m not saying that any/all of those examples above is what everyone would ask for, but to me, those examples should be the expectation. 

Months after I posted Malcolm and Rhode’s first make-out scene (in chapter 5), some asshole I thought was a new friend tried to kiss me. Twice in one day. Without me having ever indicated it would’ve been cool. (FUCK YOU, ***, YOU EMOTIONALLY MORONIC DICKHEAD.) Anyway, what came to my mind immediately and just kept coming back was that “Would it be all right if I kissed you?” scene. And it was thinking about that scene that made me 10000% sure that what happened to me wasn’t okay, even though it was “just a kiss” and even though there had been some element to my experience that had actually made it half a degree less non-consensual—less icky—than what’s typically shown in movies and TV shows. Sure, even if I hadn’t written that “Would it be all right if I kissed you?” scene or any scenes on consent, I know I would’ve known what this asshole did wasn’t okay. But having thought through and written that moment between two people who actually care about consent cemented it in my brain that these are my standards and that my standards are highly reasonable. I guess it was pretty therapeutic. 

A part of me feels sad for the dude that he was so stupid to think that what he tried to do would’ve been romantic. Like, he very probably got that idea from the entertainment he consumed and he was just so dumb and inconsiderate not to have thought about what I might’ve wanted and what I would’ve considered to be uncomfortable.

All to say: wow, I guess the stories we see and read really can shape our behavior, and I had never thought that writing this story would’ve somehow helped me in this way. That it would help me after I wrote it. That it was there for me not to help me process old memories but to equip me in dealing with future experiences. But here we are.

[standingappablog]

My interpretation of Toni and Shelbys relationship.

I am re-watching the wilds and I wanna talk about a few things I missed in my first viewing. 

Toni

Starting off in episode one, which I think a lot of us picked up on the gay vibe from both of them, was Tonis front with shelby at the beginning of the show. All talk, and takes no shit. But you can spot her flustered moment easily when Shelby puts her hands on her shoulders and when she begins to sing (while she pees yes lol) But you can just SEE IT on her face. This quickly subsides though as not long after Toni lets a tree branch fly back in her face.

The writers also try confuse you and make you think the reason why Toni  dislikes Shelby so much (at least untill episode 6 before the homophobia) is becuase of her possibly stealing her best friend away. Which of course played a part in it too.

The scenes of her looking at Martha and shelby was a common 0occurrence. You notice though, in most scenes how Martha is sort of out focus and in the backround while shelby takes up most of the shot. Indicating that shelby is the person Tonis gaze is fixed on.

I think the reason why Toni so strongly disliked Shelby in the beginning  is becuase she found herself attracted to her, which she obviously didnt like. With shelby having this happy go lucky optimistic front, and all the jesus talk really clashed with her pretty pesimistic personality. Not to mention how Toni thinks Shelby is extreamly privileged,which in a lot of aspects of her life she is. Considerably more after you find out Tonis backstory. So with that knowledge of her backround you could see why she would assume her life is better than hers. I mean she is a rich white girl from texas, so her assumption wasnt unreasonable. To Toni the idea of liking someone like Shelby is unexpected for her, so she does as much as possible to push her away. Explaining why she was pretty rude to her for the first half of the series. 

Along with Shelbys little “westburo baptist” moment Toni got pretty angry (rightly so) and this probably solidified the irationality of thease feelings she had for Shelby. Giving her even more of a reason to dislike her.

 Despite this Toni finds it in herself to try cheer her up when the two run into each other in the woods after Shelbys biggest insecurity is revealed by leahs theories. Tonis feelings for Shelby are on view a little bit here. Beforehand she barely could interact with her without expressing her dislike for Shelby.

 Though the mood shifts again after Shelby brings up the subject of her views on being gay.

Right up until shelby kisses her, Toni outwardly berates Shelby on how medieval her veiws are, and what a priveleged life she leads. She tells her on this island they are free, and Shelby takes this opportunity to show who she really is.

The kiss the two share as we all saw was in no way one sided, Toni does kiss her back. Obvioiusly this shocks Toni, as well as shelby herself. WIth shelby running off as she tries to escape what she just did with a girl who she thought hated her.

You immideatly see Toni run after her. Her feelings for this girl who Toni thought hated who she was where reciprocated. In this moment her whole attitude towards Shelby changes as she begins to understand why she is the way she is.

Shelby

Shelbys sexuality was pretty obvious to many of the LGBT viewers, we have all been there, obviously not the religious cult part, but putting up a front, hiding who we are. So it was easy to tell that she was gay from the beggining. Its also pretty common in the media to portray a closeted LGBT person like this. The question was how the writers where going to go about revealing the fact that she is gay.

You notice Shelbys attempts to be friendly towards Toni pretty early on with inviting her out to the first exhibition. Of course we all know it ends with her getting a branch to the face. But when questioned about the cut on her temple, she doesnt reveal that Toni was the one who caused it. 

Though as we all know as Shelby begins to become friends with Martha, Toni becomes increasingly more hostile towards her. Probably shattering the hopes of being friends. So we see less of Shelbys perspective of the relestionship between the two from her, and more from Toni. The two become pretty bitter with each other after the shelter building contest, the tension rising pretty quickly, although it seems that Toni is always the one who initiates the fights they have. Even after Toni destroys the hut and storms off, Shelby goes to find her and still tries to have a friendly conversation, possibly she went to comfort her, but of course we know from watching Toni interact with those around her she only initates in deep conversation with those she trusts, and the weird feelings she has for Shelby probably didnt help. 

Fast forward to episode six and Shelby has her little moment when the others are joking around with the shellfish. Of course this one isnt as subtle as previous scenes but it shows Shelbys internalized homophobia.The gestures Toni demonstrated made her uncomfortable becuase she knew thats who she was, the idea of being gay freaked her out, so she did the only thing to stop it. To lash out and reveal how she truely felt about herself. She proably never intended on revealing this, becuase really she doesnt hate the fact that Toni is gay. She hated the fact that she is gay herself. This probably shattered any hope of frienship with Toni after this incedent. (She also mentioned to martha afterwards that she knew it would happen, this revealation pushed everyone away from her considerably for the rest of the season)

When everyone begins to get sick, we see Shelby desperatly trying to prove to everyone and Toni that, she doesnt hate her. Ofcourse we knew by now that the two felt something for each other. In a way this was Shelbys feelings acting out. Her romantic feelings yes, but mostly guilt.Ignoring the others offers to let them give her the pill, instead she desperatly overcomes Tonis pride. Making her take the pill  forcably, so that she would stay alive.

Just before the two share their first kiss, shelby finally opens up about how miserable she finds her life. Toni as we know with a troubled backround claims that she cant “out sad” her. The only thing that Toni has that Shelby doesnt is freedom. Toni seeing the solution around them points out she is more free than ever and that moment you see the contemplation in her face, you can almost see whats going on in her mind just before she leans in and impulsively kisses Toni.

She then runs, obviously horrified with herself. The immeanse internalised homohpbia making her feel ashamed for following her heart.

I honestly loved watching this couple come together, their chemistry and writing was great and super intriuging to watch. I am glad a rewatched it again, there was a few things I missed out on in the first veiwing becuase i was too busy chanting “kiss! kiss! kiss!” everytime they appeared on screen together. This is completley my interpretation of their releationship and how the scenes are done, I honestly could be completley wrong and they are as they are shown to be on the surface. I just really enjoy delving deep into the motives and feelings of characters I enjoy watching. :)

*Edit* My apologies if this is written bad! At the time when I wrote this I was extremely tired. I hadn't slept the night before and I was just back from a full day of school.

[zhuhongs]

Ever since I watched Your Name Engraved Herein two weeks ago, I have wanted to talk about Jiahan as whole but in particular this scene right here that starts around the 40 minute mark. 

CW’s: discussion of religion, internalized homophobia, violent homophobia, choking, and lack of consent. Generally, the same cws as in the movie. 

Read more bc it’s uh.. 2.7k

all images are described in alt text

As soon as I watched this scene I just knew it had to be really significant and now rewatching YNEH, I realize that this is a major ideological turning point for Jiahan as a character. From this point on he slowly begins to accept that he’s gay and starts to consciously act on his feelings for Birdy. However, I must first add some context and insights on Jiahan’s prior behavior before I dive into this scene as a whole. At the beginning of the movie, we see that while Jiahan feels different from the rest of his roomates, he still sneaks out with them when they go hook up with girls, despite not showing any interest in the girl he’s with. He feels very different from the rest of his friends, but still goes along with them due to peer pressure. Later, he tries to dissuade them from violently hazing the gay student, Xie Zhenhong, (his name is never said in the film but it says so on his uniform shirt, and that what I’ll refer to him as for the rest of the post) but is reluctantly influenced to gang up on the student as well. He closes his eyes while he’s about to strike the bat down on the student, until Birdy rescues the student-- and Jiahan in a way-- from what is about to play out. After this, his friends accuse him of being in the same stall as Birdy (which he was) but he denies it, not wanting to explain why he was there and the ensuing taunting from his friends.

 While its obvious that Jiahan has feelings for Birdy, he isn’t confident enough to pursue them outright. Birdy is the more confident one in both their friendship and in his sexuality, not caring about how anyone perceives him and does what he wants regardless of the consequences. Jiahan is the one worried about societal stigma and goes along with things he doesn’t want to do. However after this encounter with the gay underclassman pictured above, Jiahan become more brave and honest about his feelings towards Birdy. Interestingly enough in the scene directly after this, Birdy begins to conceal his true feelings for Jiahan and pursue a straight relationship with Banban. He doesn’t do this hurt Jiahan, as he does reciprocate Jiahan’s feelings, but to discourage him from coming out and becoming a social pariah for being gay. Birdy himself doesn’t mind being an outcast, but he does not want to see the same thing happen to the one he loves. So instead of letting Jiahan do that, he tries to discourage Jiahan from ever pursuing him by getting a girlfriend and suggest Jiahan does the same. In the same day, both Jiahan and Birdy come to opposite realizations about their feelings for the other, thereby changing their dynamic for the course of the movie. Someone else has picked apart Birdy’s scene in their own post. If you haven’t read that analysis, please go read it, because its really good at explaining Birdy’s character since most of his story isn’t directly revealed to us. We must read inbetween the lines and piece it together, which can be confusing on a first watch.

Anyways, now we can focus on Jiahan. At this point in the movie, Jiahan is trying to understand why he’s upset that Birdy is showing interest in a girl in their band while dealing with his own internalized homophobia and denial over his sexuality. He then turns to the only out gay person he knows -- Xie Zhenhong, who he sees in the cafeteria with new bruises on his face. He looks at Jiahan with a smile. This makes me feel like Zhenhong probably picked up on Jiahan and Birdy’s feelings for each other since last year, when he saw them exit the same stall in the bathroom. Having been the Distinguished Out Person in a group before, I can definitely relate to the way Zhenhong reacts to Jiahan. It the typical “oh honey, you don’t realize it yet, but I know you’re gay” reaction. 

 Jiahan waits outside the cafeteria and calls out to out him from behind. At first Zhenhong ignores him as we can see that he smirks a bit when he first speaks. He definitely heard Jiahan but doesn’t answer him until he repeats himself a few times. Zhenhong purposely stops when the two are in front of the stained glass window, away from others. Jiahan’s word choice towards Zhenhong is also interesting as he addresses him as “學弟” which is a term for an underclassman. To my understanding, it’s not overly formal nor is it overly familiar, however it is the nicest way that anyone has addressed him all movie. Jiahan than asks him who gave him those bruises, showing concern for his well being. He then reveals why he stopped Zhenhong saying “Actually I want to ask you, when did you start liking boys?” This really seals the deal to Zhenhong that Jiahan is talking to him to try and sort out his own feelings towards Birdy. While his suggestion that Zhenhong perhaps “see a doctor” or “consider getting a girlfriend” read as a microaggression to most viewers, Zhenhong himself can tell that Jiahan is asking him this in good faith. And perhaps, this might be the most understanding anyone has been towards him since Birdy helped him out prior. Before he responds, he looks up at Jiahan and fixes his bangs. This all stumps Jiahan whose eyes dart around, speechless. Zhenhong then circles his arms around Jiahan’s neck, a very intimate gesture, and studies him for a moment. We cannot see Jiahan’s face at this moment but he does shuffle slightly, his body language nervous and confused, but not upset. After looking at him, Zhenhong then goes in closer, assumedly to kiss him. At this point, Jiahan physically stops him and grabs him by the throat. However, Jiahan’s face doesn’t seem to be angry, if anything, his face looks more scared and confused-- akin to a ‘what are you doing?’ moment.

Initially Zhenhong’s choice to kiss Jiahan read very...strangely to me. Why would the screenwriter, as a gay man that grew up in the 80’s, choose to include this? What was there to gain? To me it seemed like it was reinforcing the stereotype of gay men being overly flirtacious and viewed as predators. Why show a nonconsentual attempted kiss at all? I thought about it a lot, both for this scene and the following one with the old man and later between Jiahan and Birdy because it seemed?? Odd to me?? Isn’t that a disservice in representing gay men? I don’t fully have the right answer but I feel like by writing the scene like this, it goes to demonstrate how Jiahan still isn’t fully comfortable with being gay. And also that lgbt people, especially teens, aren’t always going to be good rep. Liu Kuang-hui wasn’t writing the movie to be an perfect, morally uplifting, santized gay narritive. He was writing something that spoke to his real life experience as a gay man in 1980’s Taiwan. In real life, people do questionable things and good narratives are supposed to make you question characters and their actions and judge for yourself whether what they did was right or wrong. The narrative isn’t looking to condemn Xie Zhenhong for doing this. Xie Zhenhong is ultimately a victim of violent homophobia, that will not hide himself or his sexuality despite the violence he faces. He isn’t perfect, nor is Jiahan, nor is Birdy, nor is anyone in the film. 

Although now having rewatched this scene upwards of eight times in writing this, it feels like Zhenhong didn’t assume this action to be without consent. Of course, no words were explicitly exchanged about kissing, and I’m not trying to make the case that it’s okay to kiss someone without their consent, that’s harassment. However, Zhenhong did gave Jiahan time to express his discomfort before proceeding. Zhenhong first got close to Jiahan by brushing his bangs, Jiahan did not say anything or look visibly uncomfortable. He then put his arms around Jiahan’s neck, and stared at him for a good ten seconds. At this point, Jiahan had time to say he was uncomfortable. As we know it, consent does indeed entail a verbal, understood yes from both parties. However given the context, I can understand why Zhenhong thought that Jiahan was consenting at that moment. However the moment Jiahan revoked his consent Zhenhong stopped trying to kiss him. Zhenhong shouldn’t have gone in without getting verbal consent, and Jiahan could’ve done something other than grabbing him by the throat. They were both in the wrong. Violence shouldn’t have been the reaction, nor should’ve kissing someone without their verbal consent. The lines were very blurred, and proper communication could’ve resulted in a better interaction but like I mentioned above, I don’t think the writers wanted to portray the scene in that way. The intent was not to say that Zhenhong’s actions were romantic or something to emulate. It was very purposeful in showing to interplay of homophobia, gay desire, and religion.

The scene is set up like a religious confession. Zhenhong purposefully leads Jiahan to the stained glass, a metaphor for his religious guilt. He doesn’t look Zhenhong in the eyes, his voice is hushed, and body language nervous, and troubled-- it communicates to Zhenhong that he thinks he may be gay and wants either reassurance that he isn’t or acceptance that is. Regardless, it’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. Jiahan is facing him like ‘hey, I know my friends were bullying you and I wanted to save you but was too much of a coward and almost took part in harming you. I’m sorry. I know you saw that me and Birdy were in the same stall together, and that you saw me just telling him not to talk to the girls, and neither of those are heterosexual things to do. Please, help me.’ He’s asking Zhenhong to pass judgement on him, is he gay or not? By virtue of even asking that question, they both know the answer -- Jiahan is in love with Birdy, but whether Jiahan can accept that or not is up to him. In a way, Zhenhong is testing Jiahan to see how honest he can be with himself. By approaching him like that, he’s testing to see whether Jiahan can accept being intimate with a man or not. It’s not a good or ethical test, but it sure is effective. Because in his head, Jiahan is coming to realize that he doesn’t mind a man being close to him in a romantic way. Although, he isn’t fully there yet. He still grabs Zhenhong. But as Zhenhong stares at him despite the hand around his throat, Jiahan really has to think about his actions. Is that what he really wants to do, or is that what he’s been taught to do? It illustrates his internalized homophobia perfectly. Jiahan is literally staring gay desire in the face, rejecting it, while in front of his religion. Zhenhong finally answers Jiahan that “he has always loved boys since he was little, it’s never changed.” Upon hearing that his grip loosens and he pulls away. And the fact that we can hear him well means that Jiahan was never choking him, his hand was there, but not gripping. Zhenhong pulls him in closer and tilts his head, and says “and it never will.”  Zhenhong’s words are very deliberate. It’s as if he anticipated this might happen and knew exactly what to say. He wants to carve it in Jiahan’s brain that no one chooses to be gay. They always are and no amount of denial, like the kind Jiahan is showing, will change that. He then finally lets go of Jiahan, who is speechless, he thanks him, and leaves. Jiahan, however, stays there for a second, processing everything that has happened, and breathes heavily before the scene cuts to later that day.

Finally, I would like to examine exactly what Zhenhong’s “thanks” even means. Why would Zhenhong be thanking Jiahan? On the surface, it lookslike Jiahan waited for this guy to finish eating, then asked him invasive questions about his sexuality and suggest he should get help and then almost choked him. This should count as a microagression at best and an attempted hate crime at worst. But, as I just dived into, this wasn’t a bad faith jeer by Jiahan in order to bully Zhenhong, this was a genuine cry for help made by a deeply confused teenager. I feel like the “thanks.” at the end of the scene was perhaps just as puzzling to me as when I thought about why the staff would have that scene play out like that in the first place? I think his thanks is conveying many things. Firstly, thanking him for not actually hurting him and allowing him to have a semi normal interaction with a student of the same gender. As far as we know, many,  MANY different students have tried to hurt him in the new semester alone. Hell, we literally do not even know his name as everyone refers to him by the q slur or some other derogatory term, which speaks a lot to how he is treated. He also may be saying thanks for actually asking him about his sexuality. While Jiahan still followed it up with a suggestion he see a doctor, he still genuinely wanted to know why rather fully assume he has something wrong with him. Also, I feel like he might be thanking Jiahan for being brave enough to actually confront his sexualtiy and ask Zhenhong for help in the first place. Zhenhong really seems to be alone as the only gay student at the school but now knowing that Jiahan is realizing thathe’s gay as well, might make him be hopeful that things may slowly begin to change. Sadly, this interaction is the last time we see Xie Zhenhong all film which sucks because I really liked him. And I feel like it would’ve been really nice to see him after the time skip or at least have Jiahan mention him because this moment was one of the things that really made Jiahan start to accept his sexuality. A cut scene with Father Oliver also contributed, but I really wish Xie Zhenhong got more narrative than being the only out student that was then violently bullied. But, I acknowledge that MANY scenes were cut from the film for length so I can’t complain to much.

Oh god, that was a lot to say about a scene that was literally a minute and thirty seconds long. In conclusion!! I just had a lot of things to say about this scene and the scenes surrounding it. I think Jiahan is just a very painfully relatable character for many LGBT viewers and he was incredibly relatable for me which is why I felt the need to spend my day off writing this as opposed to doing homework. This scene is incredibly rich on many levels and I really appreciate YNEH as a whole for not spoonfeeding the viewer information and letting us interpret and question the scenes on our own and come to our own conclusions about the characters and yea. There’s so much going on and a lot of nuance and idk how to properly convey a lot of my thoughts but I tried really hard bc i really do love this movie. I really was puzzled by this scene at first, but now having examined it, it is my favorite scene in the movie. If this scene was changed in any way to make it more palatable, it would’ve been nearly as impactful which was a hard decision to come to, but I stand by it. I don’t know if I feel the same about other scenes but I will be reviewing YNEH as a whole in a different post. I have much more to say but my thoughts on this scene were far too long to not make it a separate post of its own. In essence, YNEH is about growing up and accepting yourself in all ways. Not all of those things are pleasant but if you cannot accept those things about yourself, you’re doomed to be miserable until you can live life unburdened by your own and societies limitations. Goodnight, my fingers hurt.

[raymondebidochonlifechoices]

Are you confident Bughead will be endgame on this show? That’s literally the last strand I’ve been holding onto, but the thread is weakening. I really can’t believe that they would take this ship, their absolute most popular and loved one, and just end it like this forever. I am so angry with the writing!!

Hey there, anon! It is unbelievable, isn’t it?

What a tricky question you ask! confidence + prediction + the Riverdale writers ... As Jughead would say: yikes!

The thing with these writers is that they use a lot of words without knowing their meaning. “Endgame” is one of them. “New” is another. “Exciting”. “Darkness”™. “Adult stories”. “The message”…

Dangling the bughead “endgame” carrot at the end of one or two seasons of no bughead or -worse- of b*rchie and j*bitha f.e. is not an endgame. The general definition of endgame -outside of chess- is: the last stage of a process. If the process (i.e. the season’s content) isn’t about bughead, then bughead coming together at the very end is not an endgame, it's a peripeteia i.e. a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances.

In shipping, endgame is a couple that will inevitably end together (for ever and ever and ever). In order for something to be inevitable, you have to create that sentiment, you have to build the couple up.

There’s an article about the misappropriation of the word “endagame” that I find particularly funny, as it starts by mentioning Riverdale!

Anyway, this is a long-winded way to say that, yes, I do believe that the show will end with bughead and varchie as their main canon couples. It’s just that, like you, I’m so very tired with these story lines. There is satisfaction to be had at the notion of endgame but a seasonful of investigative bughead would be infinitely preferable. For me (and I can only speak of myself) the journey is more important than the destination -even if for the simple reason that -in TV show time- it lasts longer!

Why do I think bughead is still … that word? Everything’s under the cut, so as not to clutter your dash!

1. A lot of people have been theorising that what happened in 5x18 was not the original plot. I agree.

Let’s start with 5x18 varchie.

Their break up came completely out of left field. Its unexpectedness is reminiscent of 4x17. I make fun of how s5 is a reboot of s1+s2’s leftover ideas, so another copy-paste shouldn’t feel out of place, and yet … really? Another repetition? To what end? If the season’s goal was not varchie, b*rchie was already there waiting at the beginning of the time jump! Why abandon that plot? In terms of romantic varchie time, that was extremely limited, since after their kiss in 5x7, Veronica’s divorce kept them apart until 5x17 … Why have Archie being extremely jealous of Chad, Veronica getting involved in all of Archie’s schemes (firefighters, bulldogs), Archie getting involved in Ronnie’s (rescuing daddykins) or Veronica telling her father she chooses Archie over him in 5x17? Also, for those who remember, there was this by the-writer-who-shall-not-be-named.

The reason of the break up is as ludicrous as Veronica moving into Archie’s childhood bedroom (with its effing slanted roof!) on the premise that long term the Andrews’ residence has more room! (By the way, I don’t know what surprised me more: that Veronica thought that Archie and uncle Frank would know who Ina Garten is or that Jughead didn’t.) Why is Veronica astounded by Archie’s involvement in the same activities he has been involved in all through the season?! For f***’s sake, she’s the one that gifted him the fire truck!

Ok. Now let’s give 5x18 j*bitha a try.

For me, 5x18 could either have gone bugheadwards or j*bithawards. J*bitha had some heartfelt talks, a hand touch, a hallucination and a kiss. Bughead had one unfinished heartfelt talk (the only one in the whole season for Betty), two shoulder touches, two hallucinations and Jughead attempting to reconnect with Betty (without specifying what his intent was, it's true).

While I do think that j*bitha is a ship that has been adequately teased, the way they were explored in 5x18 was … not underwhelming exactly (after all, they’re not my ship, so I didn’t have any expectations about them) but … maybe lukewarm is the word? They had but minimal dialogue, only enough to establish that Tabitha’s parents were in town. Then a song where Tabitha initially rejects Jughead, although she had been supportive before. Then another song, where the lyrics were heavily altered and didn’t make much sense anyway (we hadn’t been properly introduced to the Tates) but where the original lyrics were very compatible with Bughead’s history and state of being as of 5x17. The kisses were ok, I have no problem with the actors’ chemistry. But -and this is strictly a personal opinion- Jughead’s flirting scenes (not the make-out ones, you perverts!) with Cora were better and so was the j*bitha kiss in 5x10. For the 5x18 j*bitha to flow, more dialogue and more flirting was necessary (always a persona opinion). So, no, I don’t think j*bitha were supposed to sing what they sang in 5x18.

Production for s5 wrapped up one week after the official announcement of the 5 special episodes for Riverdale and The Flash: “we expect it will take us until Fall 2022 to get back to a regular schedule” was the official quote. Re-organising the cw’s overall schedule didn’t happen overnight. Yes, more likely than not, the writers knew about the specifics of s6a before shooting 5x18-5x19 and had time to re-write them.

2. The couples spoilers for s6 do not make sense plot-wise.

If the end-goal for 5x19-6x1 had been b*rchie, j*bitha and v*ggie all along, these were pairs already happening (except from v*ggie) at the beginning of the time-jump. As for v*ggie, last time we saw them, Veronica pulled a face when she heard that he had had (still has?) an affair with Hermosa. And what about Nana Rose?! (ok, that was a joke! ... or was it? 👀)

The majority of both the fans and the general audience are bugvarchie shippers. Teasing b*rchie and j*bitha as a means of maintaining the viewers’ interest in a will they/won’t they way, only works if the audience finally gets what they want. In this season. Not the next one! There is so much trolling one can take after all. In the space of 1.5 year (4x17-5x19) b*rchie will have been teased ... THREE times (and still lacking build-up)!

I cannot myself see b*rchie, j*bitha and v*ggie as endgame couples. For the audience to invest in them after 4 years of bugvarchie, the writers have to a) give j*bitha an absolutely incredible development that will surpass bughead and the cinematography to go with it (good luck with that) and b) undo Archie’s character (highly unlikely) and/or give Betty a lobotomy (at which point a lot of people will quit en masse, because Archie as The One All The Girls Want just doesn't resonate with the majority).

I have no idea if s6a is an AU or not. But if it’s not, no one will be left to watch 6b.

Can I guarantee a bughead endgame? Of course not. I have no idea how the minds of the Riverdale writers work. But I do think that Jughead and Betty getting back together is more than wishful thinking.

Fervently shipping Jughead/Betty, Jughead/his book and Betty/therapy, sincerely yours, @raymondebidochonlifechoices

I hope you have fun with the Riverdale universe regardless, dear anon. Riverdale has given us one of the most beautiful getting-together stories in s1 and lots and lots of beautiful canon bughead afterwards. Here's to many more! Much love to you!

[mcyt-imagines-library]

(◡ ‿ ◡ ✿) The witch post made me think, what if the voices were telling techno that his s/o was a traitor and he dodnt believe them but they ended up being right? (◕‿◕✿) btw if you do anon claims, can i be ✿ anon please?

That's some good shit, ✿, i like the way you think. Also, this is an actual writing thing, I included no dialogue because i have autism and can never make interactions seem organic, but i hope you like it anyway, it’s a bit messy but yeah

Brief mentions of sexual content, sorry ace readers

Technoblade's S/O Betraying Him

The Syndicate was an intense group. 

Instead of two kingdoms clashing together in arms or an empire rising above and crushing a small coalition into dust, the Syndicate would cut out the middle man. They didn’t wait for one country to strike, no, they were the ones to initiate the first blow

For an organization that said they hated tyranny and the wars and fear that they spawned, they sure were fucking bad at showing it.

Your objective was simple enough, you’d befriend Ranboo, the most emotionally vulnerable of the bunch, and, through his misplaced trust, weasel your way into the syndicate and break it down from the inside. Your goal was to bring down the unjust guild and allow those who seeked refuge in kingdoms to be able to exist in them peacefully. You had never intended to fall in love with it’s leader, though.

Before you had actually met Technnoblade, from the stories you’d been told, you expected him to be rude, cruel, and downright unstable, someone who always either had a scowl on their face and harsh words for anyone nearby. Instead, though, you were met with a polite but indifferent man with a interest in farming and taking care of his pets. Quite quickly, all thoughts of your original expectations of him were gone. 

The rest of them weren’t any better (or, worse) too. Ranboo, while very bad under stressful situations, was genuinely a good guy who talked highly about his husband and adopted son. Nikki baked bread for everyone each meeting and made sure the group was doing alright. Phil kept track of everybody as well, sometimes telling stories from times since long forgotten. All in all, the four of them seemed like good people.

You five become close, celebrating birthdays and holidays with one another, eventually becoming something adjacent to family.

So how you got to where you all were now, you truly didn’t know.

There was a lot of yelling from both sides, explosions from both Technoblade’s rocket launcher and numerous withers, the five of you against the rest of the SMP, fighting tooth and nail to defend your organization. Up until it wasn’t. Up until the moment you stood up and joined the other side as if you belonged there, and not on the side of your cobbled together brood.

The way you switched sides made the Syndicate pause at the realization that you were quietly feeding information to the enemy behind the scenes. It made sense, but no one wanted to come to terms with it, least of all Technoblade.

The hands you had once felt on your waist were shackled tightly in netherite cuffs and the mouth that had once been pressed against your neck was twisted into an angry snarl, the eyes that had been trained on you with such adoration was now gleaming with a toxic mix of messy emotions, his expression shown by the chips and cracks in his half broken mask.

To everyone else, including his own teammates, Technoblade seemed pissed off, only experiencing rage. After months of getting to know him, though, you had seen every emotion in them, and you knew for a fact that there was more than just that. 

Between moments of planning and the search for whiter skulls and better tools and armor, you two had gotten close. Resource assignments became little excursions where you encouraged him to talk about himself, and, in exchange you’d talk about yourself. You only meant to get close to him to find out how he thought in terms of tactics and battle strategy, not passions and future aspirations. Maybe it was because of his quick wit or his undying loyalty, but, somehow, you found yourself falling for the pink haired man. Except, you weren’t the only one. Your intellect and resourcefulness had piqued Techno’s curiosity, and your kindness and eagerness to help had sealed his romantic interest. 

It took longer than he would’ve like to admit, but, eventually, he showed up to your house, half crushed flowers in his hand, nervously expressing his feeling for you, trying to his it with an obviously artificial indifferent. With some deliberation, you agreed to go on one date.

That single date then turned into two, then three, then four. After the twelfth, you stopped keeping track. 

Among moments of romanticism, running off in the night to make out underneath a tree like silly teenagers only to come back to Phil’s knowing smile, you also told each other things you were too afraid to tell anyone else. 

He had even told you about the bloodthirsty voices that ran rampant in his head telling him to commit acts of violence just to quell them.

When they all got too much for him, buzzing around, screaming, you would pull him upstairs to the comfort of his soft bed and cotton sheets to run your hands through his hair in the quiet of the room, the only sounds being yours and his breathing and the sound of a dog tail lightly batting against the wood floor.

You knew now, though, standing in front of his chained form, all of that was gone. Any true genuine emotion he had felt for you had been hidden away, buried under dirt and sealed behind stone and obsidian, left to sink in the stagnant, murky waters of dark caves. 

You knew he’d never forgive you.

[foxyhunter99]

A hardcore Sansa/Tyrion  writer and shipper’s review of Cyrano.  AKA Foxy goes to the movies.

Needless to say their will be spoilers.  Although let’s get real people, this play is over a 100 years old and despite the change in the lead character’s appearance and the transformation into a musical it’s not that great of a deviation.  Although I will say I am a *cough* a bit older than the average tumblr user so I have very fond memories of Steve Martin’s Roxanne which was how I initially knew the play. (Streaming on Hulu.  I recommend for those who haven’t seen.  It’s a delight with a HEA.)

I have been anxious to see this movie since I heard it coming out because I am dying to see Peter Dinklage in a romantic roll.  He is so so talented and I really want to see more representation of different body types and abilities as romantic leads.  I read a lot of newer chic lit type romance and while I’ve noticed an uptick (at least in the books I read) of the lead women of different ages/races/sizes and abilities somehow the men are always stereotypical super hot male model types. Like I don’t get at all.  (Please if you know of something where the male lead does not look like a super hero recommend below.  I beg of you.)

That being said, I totally think Peter Dinklage is hot.  But let’s get to the movie.

Things I liked about the movie:

*It is absolutely stunning.  The cinematography is beautiful.  The backdrops, the costumes are ethereal and other worldly.  

*The songs are lovely without overpowering the movie.

*This man!

Kelvin Harrison Jr as Christian.  I hope to see and hear more of his beautiful voice in the future.  I also adored this character far more than I thought considering my wanting to ship Roxanne/Cyrano as I will never get my Sansa/Tyrion.  He deserved better.

*Peter Dinklage of course was a treasure to see again.  You don’t see him at first for his first scene in the movie, only hear his voice and gods I’ve forgotten what it does to me.  (I may have put this in my Sanrion stories lol).  The last scene in the movie had a lot of close ups of his face with all the facial mannerisms I came to associate with his portrayal of Tyrion which transported me a bit out of his Cyrano character.  But I will take the blame on that as it means I’ve stared longingly at Tyrion a bit too much.

Things I wasn’t so crazy about:

*I really didn’t care for the character of Roxanne.  The actress (Haley Bennett) was fantastic but I at least could never figure out *why* both men fell in love with her.  Nothing was said or shown of her character beyond her physical beauty and that she and Cyrano were childhood friends. This was a major problem for me. Not sure how one point of a love triangle can have a MacGuffinesk feeling but that’s all she came off to me. (And putting my Sanrion shipper hat on, she reminded me at least in the beginning far too much of young Sansa ie unrealistically romantic and superficial. It put a bad taste in my mouth especially since she was an adult and not a teenager.)  

*Christian really deserved better.  He turned out to be my favorite in the love triangle.  In the end he was no more than an unwitting pawn between Cyrano and Roxanne and deserved to have someone love him just as he was.  Much like Cyrano deserved to be loved just as he was (Hmmmmm, writing this I realized the layers here.  Interesting.)

*The ending well...I’m not sure what to say.  I’m a sucker for a HEA which is not this play.

All in all I enjoyed this movie.  I did cry during the scene/song where all the soldiers send their last words in letters to their love ones.  I was HOPING for a cathartic release of all my Sansa/Tyrion shipping tears but it was not to be.  

I will rely on all my fellow Sanrion fanfic writers for that.  I adore you all.

[laurenairay]

Found You - J. Oleksiak

Summary: You thought you’d finally found the perfect guy – were you right?

Word count: 12k

Warnings: super cute fluff, some angst

A/N: So the wonderful @whatishockey inspired me to write a full story of this Big Rig blurb I wrote in my Valentine’s Day list. Without her encouragement and sweet words this wouldn’t be in existence - so thank you! This one is for you 💖 The scenes in the blurb are referenced but not repeated in this fic, so do feel free to read the blurb too!

Also tagging: @danglesnipecelly @texanstarslove @itsbadgerbadgermushroom​ @chicagoblackhawkslover96 @princessphilly @denis-scorianov @broadstbroskis @thebookofmags​ @shelbsatans​ @antoineroussel​​

*

It was only meant to be one night. One night in a bar. One night of fun and dancing. One night of passion. A one night stand.

You’d been out on a girl’s night, cocktails in a local bar, when you’d spotted him across the room. Not just because of how tall and broad he was, head and shoulders above everyone else, but…because of his smile.

That big confident beautiful smile made your breath hitch in your throat, and the moment that he locked eyes on you and turned the full force of that smile in your direction, you knew you were done for. That smile stayed on his face as he walked over to you, slow smooth and confident, because he knew exactly what effect he was having.

What had surprised you was that it wasn’t just quick conversation and back to his. It wasn’t just a drink each and then leaving. He danced with you, had several drinks with you, talked with you for hours. It didn’t feel like a usual hook-up from a bar – it felt different. He made you feel special.

You didn’t know until the next morning that he didn’t usually ask a one night stand to stay over. You didn’t know until the next morning that he’d never made a hook-up breakfast before. You didn’t know until the next morning that he thought meeting you was special too.

That’s when everything changed. Instead of the one night you had meant it to be, Jamie had asked for your number, asked you out on a date the very next night. One date turned into two, into three, until it was a month in. A month of incredible sex and amazing dates and a wonderful guy. You knew it was happening so fast, but you were already falling for him. How could you not? You spent every spare moment thinking about him, about seeing him again, even if it was nothing official yet.

Never had anyone treated you like this before. So special, so important. Never had anyone put such a smile on your face, got your stomach filling with butterflies, made you feel so giddy. This guy was different – Jamie was someone worth pursuing something real with.

You could only hope he felt the same way.

*

Jamie couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he ended his Valentine’s Day phone call. Going on a roadtrip two days before Valentine’s Day had really thrown off his original plans. Jamie had initially thought of taking you out on a romantic candlelit dinner, showering you with gifts and taking his time bringing you pleasure over and over again back home, but thanks to hockey he wasn’t able to, as much as it frustrated him. Pavs had seen his frustration easily, had suggested surprising you with something to remind you that he was still thinking of you, even when he wasn’t there – and Jamie had taken him up on that with the giant bouquet delivered to your office as well as the follow-up phone call tonight.

He definitely hadn’t planned on defining his relationship with you over the phone, but the fact that you agreed to be his officially? Even if you wanted to hear it in person too? Mindblowing. Like there was any way he was going to change his mind about this – he hadn’t lied at all when he talked to you. He couldn’t stop thinking about you, to the point where a lot of the guys on the team were teasing him, but he didn’t care.

This feeling, this hopeful wonderful feeling that you gave him whenever you smiled his way – it was everything. That someone like you would even give him the time of day when he could never guarantee being there by your side (ie. Valentine’s Day absence) made him feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Call it sappy, call it head over heels, call it whatever, he didn’t care. Being with you made all of it worth it.

He couldn’t wait to ask you in person, to take you out to dinner and call you his girlfriend. Just the thought of it put a stupid smile on his face.

And the stupid smile was still there when he left his room a little later to meet the team for dinner.

“What’s got you grinning like an idiot?”

Well that was fast. Jamie snapped out of his thoughts, rolling his eyes at Tyler’s words, Dickie, Bish and Pavs all behind him.

“Nothing,” Jamie shrugged, although he knew that the smile on his face hadn’t dimmed at all, and wasn’t exactly helping his case.

“Uh huh,” Bish snorted, making Jamie blush slightly.

“Anything to do with…hmm, the woman you’ve been seeing for a month now?” Pavs teased.

Damn it.

“Yeah, alright, you win. I was just on the phone with her,” Jamie admitted.

“You snuck in phone sex before dinner?” Dickie asked, surprised.

Jamie just punched him in the arm, rolling his eyes as the others laughed.

“No, I finally asked her to be my girl,” Jamie retorted.

Oh, wait, there was the smile again. Oh well.

“Officially?” Pavs asked, a big smile on his face too.

“Yeah, man, officially,” Jamie nodded, grinning.

Even saying those words felt amazing. Finally. Finally.

“About time,” Dickie snickered.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Jamie mused.

“You know his moon eyes are only going to get worse now though,” Tyler teased, “it’s bad enough with that stupid smile on his face,”

“Oh man, yeah, he was already enough of a big soft sap before,” Bish nodded, smirking slightly.

“I am right here you know,” Jamie said, rolling his eyes, although his smile still hadn’t lessened.

How could his smile change? This was the happiest he’d been in a long time.

“Well I think it’s great that you asked her,” Pavs mused, nudging Tyler with his shoulder.

Tyler nudged him back, sticking his tongue out.

“Thanks,” Jamie said warmly, “I know it’s only been a month but she’s special,”

“Booooo,”

Jamie laughed at the chorus around him, shaking his head. Okay so maybe he was a bit of a sap. But you were worth it, he knew that much. And he didn’t care what anyone else thought about it.

“What are we booing?”

Jamie looked over at the voice, smiling at the sight of his Captain.

“Big Rig caught feelings,” Dickie teased.

“Ugh, feelings,” Benn groaned, although Jamie could see the laughter in his eyes, “can’t have that,”

Jamie just rolled his eyes, laughing. “Can we talk about something other than my love life?”

“I vote yes!” Tyler said loudly, winking at Jamie, “where are you paying for dinner, Cap?”

Well at least that fuelled a discussion loud enough to get the attention off him. Now all Jamie needed to do was think of somewhere to take you out for dinner when he got home…

*

It was another week before Jamie arrived back from his roadtrip. The two of you still spoke on the phone every night, still messaged throughout the day, but knowing that he’d asked you to be his girlfriend? And that he’d agreed to ask you again in person, even just to sooth your own anxiety? Well that changed everything.

You were now Jamie Oleksiak’s girlfriend. Hah. Even just saying it to yourself put the silliest smile on your face. And you couldn’t wait to see him again.

Jamie had arranged for the two of you to meet at the restaurant, having made reservations, and then you’d agreed to go over to his after to stay the night. Apparently this was what he had intended to do for Valentine’s Day, to take you out like this – better late than never, right?

So all dressed up in your favourite little black dress and classy stilettos, you met Jamie outside a fancy-looking Italian restaurant. He was already waiting when your uber pulled up, and the smile he greeted you with made your heartbeat race. Wow, he really does look handsome all dressed up in a clean-cut suit.

“Hey, you look incredible,” he said in greeting.

He leant down to pressing his lips to yours before you could answer, kissing you slowly and sweetly in a way that made you clutch at the lapels of his suit jacket. Wow. Then he pulled away with a slightly dazed smile, and you knew you must look exactly the same.

“You look pretty damn good yourself,” was all you could say.

Jamie just grinned. “Shall we?” he asked, tilting his head towards the restaurant.

You just tucked your hand into the crook of his arm and nodded.

The two of you walked inside, your breath hitching in your throat at the sophisticated décor, trying not to feel out of place as Jamie gave his name for the reservation. He must’ve felt you freeze because he leant down to press a kiss to the top of your head, winking with a cheeky smile, making you giggle and smile back. Jamie wanted you here with him - that was all that mattered.

In no time at all, the two of you were lead to your table, Jamie ordering wine before the waiter left you in peace for a moment.

“So now that I’ve got you here in person…”

You felt your cheeks warming as he trailed off, that beautiful smile of his making your heart beat a little faster. Well he wasted no time at all.

“Yes, Jamie?” you said, trying to be as calm as possible.

“Obviously I haven’t changed my mind. I was never going to change my mind. Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked.

Your breath hitched in your throat, his blunt question affecting you just like it did when he’d asked you over the phone, and it was all you could do to nod. “Yeah of course I will, Jamie. My answer hasn’t changed either,”

Jamie laughed softly, almost as if he was relieved, making your chest fill with a little anxiety. Was he really that worried?

“You didn’t think I would change my mind, did you?” you asked, frowning slightly.

Jamie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “No, not really. I just…I really like you so I was just filled with so much hope?” he offered.

You couldn’t help but laugh, nudging your foot against his.

“I really like you too,” you said, a little shyly.

“Well that’s good. Because I bought you something,” he said, grinning.

What?

Jamie bit his bottom lip before reaching into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulling out a box. A pale blue box branding that you actually recognised – Tiffany’s.

Why would he…

“Here, I saw these and thought of you,” Jamie said sweetly, “Happy belated Valentine’s Day,”

You inhaled sharply as he passed you the box, unable to do anything but stay silent as you opened it. Inside were the most beautiful square diamond earrings you had ever seen, perfectly cut and polished. Fuck, these must’ve been so much money. Why did he spend that on you? Why would he…why? You swallowed heavily, looking back up at him. Jamie seemed to freeze at the trepidation on your face.

“Is something wrong?” he asked nervously.

“I…why did you buy me something so expensive? I don’t need…”

You trailed off, glancing back down at the beautiful earrings before letting out a shaky breath.

“Jamie, why?” was all you could say.

His tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, and he sighed. “I really did just see these earrings and think how nice they would look on you, and that maybe you would like them? It may sound stupid, but I like buying things for the people I care about. Like, I fought so hard to work my way onto the team, still fight for a permanent place every day, and the fact that things are finally becoming more settled for me means that I have money I never had before,”

You opened your mouth but quickly shut it with a click, the look on Jamie’s face telling you he wasn’t finished.

“It’s not about showing off my money though. Everything that I’ve worked for means that I can spend money on things I never would’ve been able to otherwise. I like being able to treat the most important people in my life. You’re one of those people now. And I know that you don’t need expensive things, which is why I wanted to buy these earrings in the first place. You would never ask – you would never assume you were entitled to them, as the girlfriend of an NHL player. You just like me for me, and I wanted to show you how much that means to me. It’s, like, my love language or whatever. Seggy made me do a quiz,”

You couldn’t help but laugh, hand rising up to cover your smile afterwards. Of all the things to break the emotional moment. “Seggy made you do a quiz?”

Jamie blushed furiously, but nodded. “The love language thing fits too, how I like to show affection. He said I needed to know how to treat you right, how to show you how I feel. So you would never doubt it, even when I’m not there,”

You bit your bottom lip, glancing down at the gift once more.

“I don’t doubt it,” you said softly.

When you looked back up at him, Jamie had the biggest smile on his face, making your stomach fill with butterflies.

“So do you like them?” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah, of course I do Jamie. Just…this love language thing, it doesn’t mean gifts like this all the time, y’know? It’s just as meaningful to me to bring me, like, eggs when I run out or a cute pair of socks or whatever,”

Because as much as Jamie wanted to spend his money on you, he really didn’t need to. Expensive jewellery, as incredibly beautiful as it is and as astounded as you were that he’d even seen them and thought of you, wasn’t something you could use all the time. It could be a balance, right?

“I’ll bear that in mind,” Jamie grinned, “That doesn’t mean I won’t buy something for you if I see it though,”

You bit your bottom lip to hide the smile that threatened to spread across your face. Such a ridiculous man. Shutting the box in your hand, you slipped it carefully into your handbag for safekeeping.

“I still can’t believe you bought me Tiffany’s earrings. I’ll save them for special occasions? They’re so beautiful, Jamie,” you said, voice filled with wonder, even to your ears.

“Like I said, I saw them and thought of you,” Jamie shrugged, although his smile showed you just how pleased he was with that.

You felt your cheeks warm up at the compliment, a smile spreading across your own lips. “Shall we look at the menus before the waiter comes back?” you asked, trying to get the attention of yourself.

Jamie laughed, just nodding. “That’s probably a good idea,”

You picked up the menu, hiding the smile on your face that had now turned stupid, even more so as Jamie nudged your foot with his again. If this was just him asking you to be his girlfriend? Well, you couldn’t wait to see where your relationship went next.

*

You thought the little things Jamie did would stop now that you were official, now that he wasn’t trying to woo you anymore.

But if anything, his romantic nature only increased.

Even in only the space of a few days, the few days he had off with light training before his next home game, he delivered another bouquet of flowers to your workplace (making you the envy of your bank of desks) as well as meeting you for lunch every day. You knew it couldn’t last, couldn’t keep up like this (even just because of the fact that he would go on a roadtrip again soon enough), so you were soaking it all in while you could.

There was nothing wrong with enjoying the ‘honeymoon period’ of your relationship, right?

And it wasn’t just flowers and lunches – it was the little things too. Officially being his girlfriend seemed to take a door off its hinges in terms of affection from Jamie. He would give you a gentle kiss on the forehead in passing. He would kiss you on the cheek when you were sitting in his arms watching tv. He gave your hand a little squeeze whenever your hands were clasped, fingers linked while you were walking down the street.

It was all of these little romantic affectionate things that made your heart beat a little faster, your stomach fill with butterflies, your cheeks ache with a smile. He was so so sweet – surely this would last?

You could only hope.

*

Tonight was a big night. Well, perhaps not for some, but for you? Huge.

Tonight you were going to a game for the first time as Jamie’s girlfriend. You were going to be sitting with the other spouses and partners. While you were excited, of course, you were also so nervous. Who wouldn’t be? This was a big step. This was public. You were going to be sitting with Jamie’s surname on your jersey, identifying you as his. And that was a lot.

But he was so excited to see you at a game, to see him play when you were official, and there was no way you could say no. This was just nerves, that’s all. You could get over a few nerves for him, right?

So after putting on a cute pair of boots with your comfiest jeans and a warm long-sleeved top, you slipped on the Oleksiak jersey Jamie had given you, biting your bottom lip when you saw his name across your back. When you saw how much you liked it.

Yeah, maybe you could get used to this.

Hair loosely curled and make-up applied to perfection, you walked into the arena with the pass that Jamie gave you, smiling nervously as you made your way to your seat. The sheer size of the arena never failed to amaze you – the vast white spread of the ice vs the roar of the crowd was always a little overwhelming, which didn’t help your nerves. But you tried to focus on that rush of excitement for gametime, the underlying buzz you could already feel from the fans – that’s what kept your feet moving forward step by step. It wasn’t long before you spotted the names Bishop, Cogliano, Pavelski…

“Hey, you made it! Tyler said you were coming to support Riggy today,”

Tyler? Oh Seguin, of course, duh.

“Yeah Jamie gave Tyler my number, he was pretty enthusiastic about welcoming me to the team,” you said, smiling.

The beautiful blonde rolled her eyes fondly. “Yeah that sounds like Tyler,”

You just giggled, earning another smile.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everybody before warm-ups start,” she said, “I have no doubt that Riggy will take up all your attention as soon as he gets on the ice,”

Your cheeks flared with heat as she winked…but her teasing set you at ease. She was welcoming you like you already belonged, like you were already seamlessly part of the group – was that Jamie’s doing? Did he ask them to be nice to you? No…even if he did, that didn’t mean she had to be genuine about it. Deep breaths, you could do this.

“Come on!” she grinned, beckoning you forward.

You grinned back at her, letting her lead you towards the other women. There were a lot of faces, a lot of beautiful glamorous faces to put names to, but by the time you’d been introduced to everyone and guided into a seat, warm-ups started. Without even meaning to, you immediately started searching for Jamie’s familiar body, knowing you’d at least be able to identify him that way, head and shoulders above everyone else as always.

“Aww look at Riggy searching for you,”

You bit your lip to hide your smile at Andrea Bishop’s words, just waving as Jamie finally spotted you. When he waved back, his whole face lighting up, the other spouses and partners aww’d and cooed, making you laugh. You didn’t hesitate to blow Jamie a kiss, which he pretended to catch and press into his heart, making you laugh again at the cheesiness of the action. Jamie just winked at you before skating off to make some passes, your nerves finally settling.

“Oh wow, Tyler was right, you two really are sugary sweet,”

Oops, guilty.

“Yeah he is so head over heels, it’s so cute. There’s no way Riggy isn’t going to be showing off, playing like a beast tonight,”

You just laughed, shrugging.

“I can’t wait,” you grinned.

A chorus of cheers sounded from the women around you, making your stomach fill with butterflies. Somehow, with Jamie’s name across your shoulders and the smiles of the women around you, you felt like you belonged. Was it really that easy?

*

Weeks came and went. Games were won and lost. Jamie stayed the ever-sweet gentleman. You slowly relaxed into your new relationship. It felt like you were floating on a cloud, living in a dream…and if was a dream, you sure as hell didn’t want to wake up.

Every day he found a way to make you smile, to laugh, to count your lucky stars, and even your family was getting excited about this relationship. Jamie was…everything. He made it clear that he only wanted the best for you, even to the point of making your Instagram account private due to some unsavoury comments from ‘fans’. And it didn’t even matter whether you were in his fancy apartment or your not-so-fancy apartment – he made every moment one that you treasured.

It sounds sappy, it sounds dumb, it sounds too good to be true, you knew that. But you didn’t care. This was the happiest you’d ever been, and if it was too good to last like this then you were going to embrace and enjoy every single minute of it.

Tonight you were out at a bar with Jamie and his friends, all dolled up for Joel Kiviranta’s birthday, and you just knew that tonight was going to be one to remember.

“Happy birthday Kivi!!”

The birthday boy grinned at the loud cheers, accepting rough pats on the back and hair ruffles as he made his way to the large booth that the Captain had organised, the other Finns walking behind him. The bar was huge – dark lights but classy tables and booths – and while it was busy it wasn’t heaving with people. The music was just loud enough and the booths were spread out enough that you had enough privacy from the next group of people. It was the perfect place to celebrate Jamie’s friend’s birthday. You just grinned from where you were sitting on Jamie’s lap, enjoying the feeling of his arms wrapped around you, especially so publicly. All of this still felt so new, even after nearly 3 months in – but being surrounded by this much love, this huge family feeling…well, it was quickly becoming addictive. Who wouldn’t want to be in the middle of all of this?

“Captain buys the first round!”

The man in question rolled his eyes with a grin at Tyler’s loud declaration, dragging Bish up to the bar to help him too.

“Ready to let loose tonight?” Jamie murmured in your ear.

“Sounds like fun to me,” you grinned, turning your body to face him slightly.

Jamie grinned back, pecking your lips with a gentle kiss, before continuing his conversation with Dickie on his left, making you laugh and turn to Tyler on your right.

“Here’s to a good night!” Tyler smirked.

A good night indeed.

One drink turned to two, which turned to five, which turned to you needing to go to the bathroom pretty badly. You were still in the group booth, but rather than sitting on Jamie’s lap you were sitting next to him, some space having been made after some of the team went off to dance.

“Hey, let me past?” you said to Jamie, where he was blocking the exit of the booth.

“Where are you going?” he frowned.

You rolled your eyes fondly. “To the bathroom, and no you can’t come with,”

Jamie blushed fiercely but quickly stood up to let you out, making you laugh. As he sat back down, you leant down to press a slow sweet kiss to his lips, unable to stop yourself from smiling as Jamie’s hands clutched at your hips. He groaned at the whistles and jeers that sounded around you, making you laugh again, but you pecked one last kiss to his lips before standing up properly.

“Don’t miss me too much,” you teased, stepping away from him

“Hate to see you go, love to watch you leave!” he called back, earning loud laughter from the group.

You laughed loudly too, shaking your head, blowing him a kiss before you navigated your way across the bar to the bathrooms in the back. Thankfully it was empty, leaving you to do your business in peace. But just as you were pulling your underwear back up, the door crashed open, and two girls entered. From what you could hear, with their giggling and stumbling, they were well past drunk, so you sighed and sat down on the closed toilet seat, preferring to wait until they were gone to leave and wash your hands. Zero drama, please and thank you.

You tuned out as they started talking, Girl 1’s nasally voice loud and abrasive with Girl 2’s giggle already irritating…until you heard them start talking about the Stars. Then you couldn’t stop yourself from listening.

“…yeah it’s one of their birthdays. One of the Finns I think? I don’t know. Or care,” Girl 1 said.

Lovely. A big fan then.

“I don’t know, I reckon he wouldn’t mind a birthday treat,” Girl 2 laughed. You could only imagine the grin on her face, given the giggles from Girl 1.

“It’s such a shame that Big Rig looks out of commission though,” Girl 2 sighed.

Out of commission? Charming.

Then the other girl snickered, and you had no doubt she was rolling her eyes.

“So what? It’s not like this one is going to be around very long. He never commits to a steady girl,” her nasal voice said indifferently.

What?

You swallowed heavily, a pit of nausea filling your stomach. She was just making things up, right?

“I don’t know, this one’s already been around longer than usual,” Girl 2 said.

Girl 1, nasty nasal, just giggled. “Then obviously she’ll be out on her ear soon. She’s nothing special anyway. Trust me, Big Rig’s never committed before, and that isn’t going to change now,”

Oh fuck. You clasped a shaky hand over your mouth to hide the whimper that threatened to spill out. She was lying right? She had to be lying. Fuck, fuck why were you still listening to this?

“Come on, let’s go get some guys to buy us shots,” Girl 1 said.

The two of them walked out of the bathroom, but their smug words rang around your head, and it was all you could do to take a shaky breath, tears filling your eyes. The nausea only got worse, bile rising in your throat, but you took shaky breath after shaky breath until it settled again.

He never commits.

She’ll be out soon.

She’s nothing special.

That isn’t going to change.

Oh fuck. You choked out a sob before shaking your head, running a shaky hand through your hair. No, no you couldn’t stay around here knowing that’s what people thought of you. You couldn’t bear the stares and the smirks and the snickering. Not tonight, not now, not in front of the whole team and their better halves. Jamie…he wouldn’t, right? He wouldn’t act like that?

But what if they were right?

No, no, they had to be wrong. But still…what if?

What the hell were you meant to think? Whatever it was, you couldn’t decide here, couldn’t decide now. You had to go, that was the only way to preserve at least a little bit of your dignity. Fuck.

Yeah, leaving, collecting your thoughts, taking a step back, that was the way to handle this. Not to make a scene – that really wasn’t your style. Jamie…

Fuck, Jamie.

Jamie would just have to deal with it tonight. You didn’t want to say something you’d regret, that was for sure. So with a deep breath and a brief close of your eyes for confidence, you left your bathroom stall, washing your hands and quickly reapplying your lipstick in the mirror as armour. Yes, leaving was the best idea. At least for tonight.

The nausea returned as you walked back over to the group booth, and you knew that Jamie wasn’t the only one that noticed the unease on your face.

“Hey, what’s up?” he frowned.

“I don’t feel that great, so I’m going to head home,” you said softly, just loud enough to be heard over the music.

With that, you grabbed your jacket and walked away, not waiting for an answer. You sure as hell didn’t want to give anyone a chance to convince you to stay. But within seconds Jamie was by your side, his own jacket in his hand.

“Hey, wait up,” he said, smiling as he rested a hand on your shoulder.

Damn it.

“Stay, Jamie,” you said shortly, stopping in your tracks and turning round to face him.

“What?” he said, confused, “if you don’t feel well then I want to make sure you get home okay,”

“I don’t want you to come with me,” you snapped.

The hurt that spread across Jamie’s face made you feel sick all over again, but for different reasons. Oh fuck. That…that wasn’t what you meant at all. Where did that come from? Damn it.

“Um, I…”

“Just go back to your friends, J,” you sighed, interrupting, “I want to be alone right now,”

“Okay,” he said quietly, shoulders slumped in defeat, “Let me know when you get home?”

You just nodded, offering a weak smile before you turned and walked out towards the exit. Pulling your phone out of your bag, you quickly ordered an uber, thankful there was a car only 4 minutes away. At least something was going right tonight.

“I saw you and Riggy, you know,”

You flinched at the sound of Tyler’s voice as he stepped up next to you but stayed silent, not wanting to get into it. Not with him. Tyler just sighed.

“Obviously I don’t know what happened or what was said, but seeing you look that angry, and then Riggy looking so upset, only for you to walk out looking just as upset? I couldn’t just let you leave like that without checking you’re okay,” Tyler said softly.

Maybe he should’ve just let it go. But you knew Tyler well enough to know that he wasn’t going to drop this, not easily.

“It’s nothing,” you murmured.

Tyler just hmm’d. You laughed weakly, running a hand through your hair. Of all the time for him to be particularly insightful.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you sighed.

Tyler smiled sadly at the defeat in your voice but nodded. At least he wasn’t going to push you for a proper answer. At least he was letting you leave with a little bit of dignity.

“Let me know when you get home safe? I’ll let you know when Riggy’s home safe too. He’s already downed a few shots so I don’t think he’s going to be in a good shape,” he said quietly.

It was all you could do to nod, wrapping your arms around yourself. Jamie was lucky to have such a good friend. With another sad smile, Tyler pulled you into a hug, not letting go until your uber pulled up to the curb. He gave your shoulder one last squeeze before stepping backwards, and you shut the door in silence, desperately trying not to break down just yet. The uber driver seemed to sense your mood, pulling away with nothing more than a gruff hello, and you just rested your head against the glass as you noticed Tyler still watching you.

You could only hope that he didn’t notice the tears trickling down your cheeks.

*

What a terrible night.

You still weren’t entirely sure if leaving had been the best idea…but you did know that the words those girls said still haunted you. Of course, you’d barely slept, their horrible comments swirling around in your brain, not made any better by the increasingly incoherent pleading texts that Jamie had sent you, as well as the confirmation from Tyler that he’d personally dropped Jamie off at his apartment because he was far too drunk to get home by himself.

You didn’t want to dwell on what had happened. But you also didn’t want to admit how much your insecurities played into their words. You couldn’t bear the thought of any of it being even remotely true – and you also couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Jamie look so hurt again.

So what the hell were you meant to do?

It was stupidly early when you dragged yourself out of bed, knowing full well that sleep wasn’t coming. You hadn’t bothered showering, hair a mess and eyes a little pandary where you’d only half-heartedly removed your make-up last night – coffee was the only thing you were focused on. Sweet sweet coffee, the only thing that was going to get to moving today.

But as you poured your first cup, the buzzer for your front door went, so you went to the intercom with a frown.

“Hello?” you asked hesitantly.

“Hey, it’s me. Can I come up?”

Jamie. Oh wow. What was he doing here at this time? You didn’t answer him, just bit your bottom lip as you pressed the buzzer to let him into the apartment building. There was no point in getting dressed or putting on make-up – he knew full well what you looked like at this time of day so he could deal with it. Well, that, and there was no time to do much anyway. All you did was scrub a little at the stubborn mascara, ensuring you looked a little less tragic and tear-streaked. By the time he was knocking on your front door, anxious butterflies had filled your stomach, but you let him in anyway, taking in his dishevelled appearance, wearing sweatpants and a tshirt that you knew he only wore when he was planning on lying around at home. So why was he wearing them out now?

“Thanks for letting me in,” Jamie murmured, closing the front door behind him.

“Why wouldn’t I?” you frowned.

Jamie winced, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I wasn’t sure where we stood after last night,”

“Jamie…”

You trailed off, sighing, the nausea and frustration and desperation of last night flooding your body all over again. Jamie swallowed heavily, taking a step closer towards you, but you couldn’t produce any more words.

 “I didn’t want this to linger and fester, whatever it is. Whatever happened that set you off last night, whatever it was, I just…I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Jamie said sadly.

Any lingering anger or frustration you had fizzled away, and your shoulders slumped in defeat. Jamie frowned as your face crumpled, immediately stepping those final steps forward to pull you into his arms. That was all it took to make you start crying again, awful harrowing sobs into his chest, and Jamie cursed under his breath before holding you tighter, hand rubbing your back soothingly. It was like all the emotions that had hit you full force last night were resurging again now, full blast and agonising, and it was all you could do to bury your face into his tshirt, clutching at the material at the small of his back like an anchor.

You were lost, drowning in the hurt and misery you felt from those nasty words, and Jamie was the only thing keeping your head above water.

Eventually, somehow, your sobs softened down to sniffles, Jamie releasing his hold on you a little.

“Why don’t you take a shower, and then we can talk?” he said softly.

You just nodded miserably, bottom lip still trembling as Jamie gently guided you to the bathroom. You were exhausted – mentally and physically drained – and the only thing you really wanted to do was sleep. But Jamie was right, the two of you needed to talk. He turned on the shower for you, helping you out of your pyjamas, an oversized tshirt and short shorts, nothing sexual about his motions in the slightest. He just wanted to help, as he always did. Sweet gentle giant.

“I’ll be outside when you’re ready,” he murmured.

You mustered up a smile and nodded, letting him leave the bathroom before your smile dropped. You let the hot water pour down over your face and body, washing away the angst, the drama, the frustration, the sorrow. Things would get better, right? You’d get through this, right?

By the time you got out of the shower you felt a little less emotionally shaky, but still physically tired. It wasn’t like you could turn Jamie away now though. There was nothing else for it – you had to get back out there and face him. Luckily you’d left your dressing gown in the bathroom, so after drying yourself off and wrapping your hair in a towel, you threw on the dressing gown and headed into your bedroom…where Jamie was lounging on the bed, legs kicked up and back propped up by pillows.

“Don’t you look comfy,” you mused.

The smile he sent you in return, that beautiful big smile, made your stomach fizzle with butterflies.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, reaching a hand out towards you.

You instinctively took his offered hand in your own, smiling as he squeezed your fingers gently.

“Been better, been worse,” you shrugged, not wanting to lie.

Jamie’s smile dimmed to a frown. Here it goes…

“What happened last night? Everything was fine – or at least I thought it was?” he asked, confused.

Straight to it then.

“I don’t think you’re going to like it,” you hesitated.

Jamie’s squeezed your hand again, tugging to gently closer to him, until he could rest a hand on your waist.

“I just want to know what upset you so that I can make sure it doesn’t happen again in the future,” Jamie said earnestly, eyes wide and face serious.

Well damn. You sighed, taking a step backwards, earning a frown until you flipped your head upside down to quickly rough-dry your hair, making Jamie laugh softly. You flipped it back with a shrug and a small smile, dropping the damp towel to the floor – if you were going to bare your heart then you wanted to feel a little less ridiculous than with a towel wrapped on your head.

“It was nothing to do with you. Well, not directly? I was in the bathroom, about to exit the stall to wash my hands when these two girls came in. I stayed sitting in the stall because they sounded really drunk – loud and giggling and stumbling – and I didn’t think anything of it until they mentioned the Stars. So I continued to stay in the stall, and that’s when they started talking about you,”

“About me?” Jamie asked, confused.

You bit your lip briefly but nodded.

“Yeah, about you. How you never commit to any girl, to any relationship. How I’ll be out the door soon. How I’m nothing special. How you’d never change just because you’re with me for the moment,”

Jamie’s jaw dropped and he opened his mouth…but you shook your head, needing to finish.

“Everything they said hit me in my insecurities, Jamie. They made me feel like shit and start doubting everything, and I just needed to leave because I didn’t want to face anyone. And before I said something to you that I would regret. Then I went ahead and hurt you anyway, which only made me feel worse,”

There it was.

“Baby, you’ve got to know that nothing they said is true,” Jamie said gruffly, eyes shining.

Right.

“So you’ve been in a committed relationship before?” you snapped back.

You knew he hadn’t. You already knew that. So why did he say it?

“Well, no, that part’s true,” Jamie winced.

“Is that why you send me flowers, buy me gifts, shower me with compliments? Is that what you do? What you’ve done with all those other girls?”

As soon as those words left your mouth, you regretted saying them – but it was too late. Jamie’s jaw dropped, hurt flashing across his face just like last night, before he shook his head firmly. “No, I haven’t done any of that with any other girl,”

“You haven’t?” you asked dryly, folding your arms over your chest.

“No!” he insisted, “They were never worth it. Yeah, I used to sleep around a little. I’m not ashamed of that. It was fun and easy and I didn’t want the commitment when I was trying to cement a place for myself up on the team. But then I met you, and that all changed,”

You swallowed heavily, looking away from him as your eyes pricked with tears. You wanted to believe. You wanted to believe him so much. By looking away, you missed the way Jamie’s forehead creased with a hurt expression again, but you didn’t miss it as he stood up and moved to stand in front of you, so you had no choice but to look up at him.

“I know it sounds like I’m just saying these things, but it’s true. You can ask any of the guys. I’ve never felt like this before for any woman. I’ve never acted this way around another woman. You are so special to me – and I don’t want to go back to that life I had before I met you. This relationship we have is serious to me, and I don’t want to lose that because some jealous catty girls made you feel insecure about what we have between us,”

You couldn’t help but whimper at his soft words, chin quivering as you fought not to cry again, one hand coming up to cover your mouth. Jamie made a distressed noise, guiding you to sit down on the bed and kneeling down in front of you so you could see the anguish on his face too.

“I don’t know what else to do or say for you to believe me. I care about you so much, and I know that my track record doesn’t exactly help me out here, but you’re different. What we have is different. Please believe me,” Jamie said desperately.

The devastation in his voice filled your stomach with lead. He really was pouring his whole heart into this, wasn’t he? And what reason did you have not to believe him? Were you really going to throw away the best relationship you’d ever had just because of some gossipy girls in the bathroom of a bar?

“Okay,” you whispered.

“Okay?” he asked hopefully.

You swallowed heavily but nodded. “Okay, I believe you. I really want to believe you. So I’m going to try not to let my insecurity get the better of me,” you said, trying to sound as confident as you could.

The sheer relief on Jamie’s face made your heart beat a little faster. He leant his forehead against yours briefly, just long enough to inhale slowly, before he leant back, smiling the biggest smile you’ve ever seen, to which you could do nothing but smile back at him.

“I’m going to prove to you how much you mean to me,” Jamie said firmly.

“Jamie, no, I don’t need-”

“But maybe I do. Need to prove it, that is,” he interrupted, eyes wide but serious, “Maybe I need to do this for me,”

You bit your bottom lip but nodded. If that’s what he needs?

“Just don’t go crazy?” you winced.

Jamie laughed softly, but shook his head. “I won’t, I promise,”

Well that was something at least. He moved to sit next to you on the bed, hand lacing with yours again.

“Do you want to nap? Even just for another hour or so?” he said softly.

“Oh god, more than anything,” you groaned, nodding.

Jamie laughed, that beautiful smile back on his face, as he reached one arm back to tug his tshirt over his head. He stood up, pausing briefly, before he shoved his sweatpants to the ground, revealing himself to be wearing no underwear at all. He sat back down, eyes hesitant, cock soft against his thigh, completely bare and vulnerable to you, before he reached for your dressing gown sash. You stayed silent as he tugged it open, only moving to help him slip it off your body, leaving you just as bare as him. He smiled at you, ducking his head to give you the gentlest of kisses, before guiding the two of you under the covers.

“You’re everything to me, baby,” he murmured, hand rising to cup your face.

Your heart swelled with warmth and your eyes filled with tears, making Jamie frown until you captured his lips with a kiss, trying to pour your emotions into the embrace as your hands clutched at his shoulders.

“Hey, hey, ssh, it’s okay. We’re okay,” he mumbled between kisses.

You pulled away from him, inhaling shakily as you nodded.

“Hold me while we sleep?” you asked hopefully.

“Of course,” he said softly, smiling sweetly.

That smile was all you needed to reassure you as you turned over, letting him press his chest to your back and wrap his arms around you from behind. As you closed your eyes and relaxed, you felt him press soft absent-minded kisses to your neck, drifting off in the warmth of his hold.

*

Jamie sighed at the number of cars already at the training rink as he parked his car. He knew that his heavier-than-usual drinking at Kivi’s birthday two nights ago had raised some eyebrows, especially from the teammates who’d seen you leave early. Of course he was happier knowing that things were okay between the two of you again, but he didn’t relish the thought of explaining to anyone why you’d left, but if he knew his team (and he did, too well)

How people could be so cruel was beyond him.

He avoided meeting anyone’s eyes as he walked through the corridor maze to the locker room, just nodding at the few people getting changed when he dropped his bag on the floor. He could hear more people entering the room from wherever they’d been in the rink before he got there, but it wasn’t until Jamie was about to put his skates on that he heard someone clearing their throat next to him.

“Hey Riggy, got a minute?”

Jamie looked up at the sound of Tyler’s voice, raising an eyebrow as he noticed his Captain watching, along with Bish, Dickie and Pavs. Great.

“Sure,” Jamie said simply.

Tyler beamed at him and started walking out of the room, making Jamie sigh as he followed him into an empty trainer’s room. As soon as the door was closed, Jamie folded his arms over his chest, staring his teammate down.

“Is this an ordered interrogation?” Jamie asked bluntly.

Tyler just grinned, unperturbed. “Well it was either me by myself or a group intervention,” he shrugged.

Oof, no thank you. That would’ve been all kinds of awkward. Tyler laughed at the grimace on Jamie’s face, nudging Jamie with his shoulder until Jamie unfolded his arms. Tyler jerked his chin at a chair, indicating wordlessly for Jamie to sit down, so he did so, Tyler following his lead and sitting down too.

“You know we care about you,” Tyler started.

“Aww jeez Seggy,” Jamie groaned, interrupting.

Tyler just laughed, kicking out a foot at Jamie, toes lightly tapping his shin.

“I’m serious, man! You’re not normally a heavy drinker like that and we’re worried. I mean, I know that it had something to do with you and your girl, but she said she didn’t want to talk about it while I waited for her uber with her,”

“Thank you for making sure she was okay, by the way,” Jamie said, swallowing heavily.

Because he sure as hell hadn’t been able to himself.

“Yeah of course, Riggy. I care about her too, she’s a good person,” Tyler shrugged, smiling.

Jamie smiled back, appreciating Tyler’s candid caring nature even more.

“Are the two of you okay?” Tyler asked softly.

Jamie nodded, although he felt his smile dimming a little at the memory of how emotional yesterday had been.

“We spent yesterday talking, on and off. I went over really early in the morning to confront her. Not in an aggressive way, but like, to make sure she was okay and to ask her what happened? Well, she essentially had a breakdown and eventually told me why she left, and after we napped for a few hours, we just spent the day watching mindless tv in between talking more,” Jamie explained.

Tyler let out a sigh of relief, nodding, making Jamie smile slightly. The fact that his teammate cared so much about his relationship meant so much, especially with how close Tyler had grown with you in only a few months. To have that kind of support was so important to him – the team was like a second family, so it meant a lot to Jamie that they’d welcomed you with open arms.

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking,” Tyler asked.

Jamie sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

He never commits.

She’ll be out soon.

She’s nothing special.

That isn’t going to change.

“She was in the bathroom and overheard some puck bunnies talking about how I never commit to a relationship and how she was nothing special so I’d be ending our relationship soon enough. How I would never change,” Jamie muttered.

Tyler groaned, wincing. “Shit, I can see why she was so upset,”

Jamie just nodded, frowning. “I understand why she left, really I do. But I just don’t know what I can do to help her. People are always going to talk, that’s a downside of a relationship like this. But I just…I like her so much. And I hate that she felt so insecure yesterday, especially since I think she’s incredible,”

“Look…I haven’t known her long, and especially not like you do, but what I do know, I get it. I can see why she would be anxious,” Tyler admitted.

“Why? How?” Jamie frowned.

How could you not see how amazing he thought you were?

“It may be a couple of months down the line for the two of you, but it’s still new too. New enough. And you did play around a little – not that there’s anything wrong with that, you were always clear in letting those girls know you didn’t want anything serious. Just like you’ve been clear with her how much she means to you. This is the first time she’s had something so direct in person. It’s just…cut her a little slack,” Tyler reminded him.

Jamie felt his heart sink but nodded. Tyler was right. Of course he was right. Just because it felt like it had been years already…it was still new. Wonderful and incredible and heartstopping, but new.

“I know, of course I will. I told her I’m going to prove to her how much she means to me, but I just don’t know how,” Jamie said seriously.

Tyler laughed, shaking his head. “You and your love language man,”

Jamie blushed but shrugged. He wasn’t ashamed of how much he enjoyed being able to buy gifts to show his affection – because it wasn’t just empty gestures. Whenever he bought something, it was out of love, and every little gift meant something to him.

“All I can say is combine what you love with what she loves. Can’t hurt to have a balance,” Tyler said, shrugging.

Then he laughed at the exasperated look on Jamie’s face.

“Don’t make things complicated. Stick with the classics, Riggy. You can’t go wrong with the classics,” Tyler grinned.

“Yeah, alright you make a good point,” Jamie conceded, nodding.

A fancy dinner? A fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant could work, right? Somewhere special, where he could show you how special you were…

“Alright I can see the cogs are turning. We’d better get back to practice though, before Cap comes after us himself,” Tyler mused.

Jamie grimaced, making Tyler cackle as he stood up. He accepted the wordless hug from Tyler without hesitation though, thumping him once on the back before the two of them left the room. He could only hope to get through practice smoothly – he had plans to sweep you off your feet to make.

*

From: Tyler

So I heard from a little birdie that Riggy is taking you out to The French Room tonight?

~

The French Room. Hah. When Jamie had told you he had reservations three days after your long heart to heart, your jaw had dropped. One of the top rated dining places in Downtown Dallas?! And he had reservations?! You were so glad he’d given you forewarning though, because it meant you were able to dress up to match the venue. This wasn’t just something you could guess for.

Because somewhere this opulent needed something a little fancier than usual.

Luckily, a couple of weeks back after that first game you attended as Jamie’s girlfriend, some of the spouses and partners had taken you out for a girls’ afternoon, a boozy lunch with shopping afterwards, and they’d convinced you to buy a gorgeous pale blue long-sleeved knee-length lace dress, much fancier than you would usually buy, just in case. Just in case was the occasion tonight.

Jamie’s jaw had even dropped when he picked you up, eyes roving over your body, so you’d take it as a win.

Walking into the restaurant had your heart beating so fast – even the ceilings, arched and grand as they were, took your breath away. Jamie just watched you with a smile, hand gentle on your back as the two of you were guided to your secluded table. Jamie gave the waiter your wine order before you’d even sat down, making you laugh softly at the pleased look on his face.

“Someone’s prepared,” you teased.

“Someone’s worth preparing for,” he shot back, winking.

Your cheeks flushed with heat, only making Jamie smile wider.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jamie murmured, eyes staring straight into your soul.

“Jamie!” you giggled, one hand covering your face in embarrassment.

He laughed, reaching over the table to tug your hand away from your face, linking your fingers with his as he rested your joined hands on the table.

“I mean it. Everyone’s jealous that I’m with the most beautiful woman in the room,” Jamie said simply.

“Oh you smooth talker,” you mused, cheeks still warm.

“I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me,” he shrugged, laughter in his eyes.

“Your wine?”

Saved by the bell. Or well, the waiter.

“A toast?” Jamie said, picking up his glass when the waiter had left you once more.

“Toast to what?” you asked, smiling as you picked up your wine glass too.

“A toast to us,” he said smoothly, “a toast to us and all there is to come,”

You bit your bottom lip to stop the stupid grin threatening to spread across your face, but could do nothing about the butterflies that filled your stomach. The warmth in his eyes as your glasses clinked together made your heartbeat pick up as always, and then there was that beautiful genuine smile…how could you have any chance of surviving that? This was everything you needed after that awful evening – just you and him and a special evening together. What more could you ask for?

Then his smile faded into the most serious expression you’d ever seen him wear, and you swallowed heavily, heart beating fast for all different reasons now.

“I know you have your reservations, your insecurities about us, especially after the other night. All I can do is try to remind you just how much I adore you, how important you are to me. I know you don’t need fancy gifts or extravagant dinners all the time, but tonight…tonight feels special to me,” Jamie said.

“It feels special to me too, Jamie,” you replied, a little hesitant, “But…”

“No buts. Unless it’s your butt,” Jamie mused.

You couldn’t help but laugh softly at his cheesy words, the nervous tension breaking a little, although you still felt a little trepidation as Jamie’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip. He only did that when he was nervous…

What did he have to be nervous about?

It was when he pulled a red box out of his pocket and passed it across the table to you that you got your answer.

Cartier. Holy shit.

“Jamie…”

You trailed off helplessly, only able to stare at the box in shock.

“Please, will you open it?” Jamie asked softly.

You bit your bottom lip but nodded, opening the lid with a shaky hand.

Inside was a delicate chain bracelet connecting to three overlapping rings, each a different colour of gold – rose gold, yellow gold and white gold. It was beautiful. The most beautiful thing anyone had ever given you. And Jamie had given it to you?

He cleared his throat, making you look back up at him.

“It’s called the sweet trinity. There was a whole blurb about it online, but, uh, from what I remember, the pink stands for love, yellow for fidelity and white for friendship. When I saw that, it makes so much sense to me - they are intertwined because you can’t have one without the other. Which is exactly how I feel about you,”

Your breath caught in your throat, your eyes pricking with tears and your mouth going dry. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Jamie saw the overwhelmed expression on your face and leaned forward, hand reaching out to hold yours, bringing your attention back to him.

“I saw the bracelet before the…event the other night. You can ask Tyler, I was with him. He teased me about being head over heels for you already. When I walked past that same Cartier store again today, I just followed my gut and went inside again – and there it was, still sitting on the cushion on display. It felt like fate,” Jamie said softly.

You inhaled sharply, looking down at the beautiful piece of jewellery again. Never had anyone bought you anything like this, never. And you didn’t want to know how much it cost – you could only imagine. For him to buy you something like this?

“I don’t know what to say,” you murmured, looking back up at him with wide eyes.

“Say you’ll wear it?” Jamie asked hopefully.

You laughed a little helplessly, cutting yourself off by biting your bottom lip. How could you ever turn down something that beautiful, when Jamie had thought about it just for you? When he’d gone back, followed his instincts, and still come to the same conclusion?

“Yeah, of course I will,” you nodded, smiling widely.

The answering smile that Jamie gave you filled your stomach with butterflies.

“Now?” he asked.

You just squeezed the hand that he was already holding, smile going a little shy as you flipped it over. “Will you help me put it on?”

Jamie inhaled sharply at the thin delicate skin of your wrist but nodded. “Yeah, yeah, if you want me to,”

You watched intently as he carefully took the bracelet out of the box, and your cheeks warmed at how gently he moved your wrist with his large hands, turning it just so to get the clasp done up properly. As the cool metal hit your skin, Jamie’s eyes widened, shifting a little darker as his tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip. Interesting.

“That looks amazing on you,” he murmured.

Huh. He really does like it.

You gently trailed a finger over the delicate chain, over the thin skin of your wrist, and Jamie inhaled sharply, making you grin. Maybe Tyler wasn’t wrong about this love language thing after all. Maybe it was exactly what Jamie needed.

“Maybe we should look at the menu?” you suggested, tilting your head slightly.

Jamie narrowed his eyes slightly at the teasing lilt in your voice, but smiled slowly, knowing that the obvious desire in his eyes made you squirm in the best way.

“Yes, good idea. The night has only just began after all,” Jamie smirked.

Well now there was a thought.

*

You woke up in Jamie’s bed the next morning with an ache between your thighs, early morning light peeking through the curtains, lengthening your body out in a luxurious stretch. Jamie was completely knocked out still beside you, and you couldn’t help but bury your face in your pillow to muffle your happy squeal. Last night had been amazing – not just because of the incredible gift Jamie had given you, but because of the feelings behind it. Jamie had shown his heart to you, and you had accepted it entirely. Anxiety and insecurity would never fully go away, but he had more than proven to you that he was committed to your relationship.

How could you be happier? Not only that but the food had been outstanding – Jamie’s eyes constantly flicking down to the jewellery on your wrist - and when the two of you had eventually returned back to Jamie’s home, well…he’d brought you to new heights over and over again, until you’d both collapsed in a blissful heap.

Things could only go up from here, right?

It was when you reached for your phone on the bedside table that you spotted the bracelet in its box again. Biting your lip, you snapped a quick picture and send it to Tyler, the previous night’s conversation above it.

~

From: Tyler

Whew that is a pretty little gift there.

I can’t believe he went back and bought it.

~

To: Tyler

Yeah he said that he’d seen it with you and you’d teased him about it.

~

Not that you had doubted Jamie at all, but it made your stomach fill with butterflies to see Tyler confirm his story without you even asking. Jamie was a man of his word – you could appreciate that.

Again, within seconds, Tyler responded.

~

From: Tyler

When do I not tease him?

The man is nuts about you, you know that.

~

His words put a smile on your face, and you glanced over your shoulder to the sleeping man in question beside you.

~

To: Tyler

Yeah I do know. I’m a lucky girl.

~

From: Tyler

Just as much as he is a lucky guy.

~

You snorted, shaking your head. Ridiculous man.

“What’s so funny?”

You jumped slightly at the rumbling voice beside you and put your phone down before rolling over to face your boyfriend.

“Oh nothing, it’s just Tyler,” you shrugged, propping your head up with your hand.

Jamie rolled his eyes fondly. “It is far too early for you to be texting Seggy when you should be snuggling up with me,”

“Oh should I?” you mused.

Jamie growled playfully, scooping his arms around you to tug you towards him, making you shriek and burst out laughing.

“You’re such a caveman,” you giggled, batting at his chest but making exactly zero moves to escape from his hold.

“If you’re naked in my bed, you shouldn’t be thinking of another man,” Jamie pouted.

And as much as you could tell he was joking, there was also a thread of vulnerability in his voice that made you pause for a moment, before smiling softly.

“For one, Tyler doesn’t know that I’m naked in your bed. I mean, I’m sure he can guess, but he doesn’t know. And two, I sent him a photo of the bracelet because we were talking about the date yesterday, and I wanted to tell him how wonderful you are,” you said simply.

Jamie bit his bottom lip, but he was unable to hide the grin that spread across his face. He pulled you even closer together, bare bodies fully pressed up against each other now, allowing you to thread your leg between his thick thighs where you were lying on your side facing him. It was…intimate without being intimate. It was perfect.

“Tell him how wonderful I am, hmm?” Jamie murmured, hand sliding around your waist.

You gasped softly as that large hand settled lightly on your ass, but you grinned.

“Mmhmm, and how lucky I am,”

“I’m the lucky one,” Jamie grinned back.

“That’s what Tyler said,” you nodded.

“Enough talking about Tyler,” Jamie grumbled, squeezing your ass firmly.

A desperate noise escaped your throat, a wave of heat rushing through your body at the claiming action, Jamie’s eyes going dark.

“Don’t stop,” you said, a little breathlessly.

Jamie groaned as if he couldn’t help himself, before he captured your mouth in a kiss.

*

The buzzer sounded and that was it.

That was the end of the Stars season.

Your heart felt like it was cracking, breaking right in two. Jamie had fought so hard throughout the months of the playoffs, given his blood, sweat, & tears in his desperation to win the cup. Hell, the whole team had. Another year, another chance slipping through their fingers. You couldn’t help but shed tears alongside the other spouses and partners and families in the box, all of you knowing how much this had meant to the men in your lives.

But now it was over, and you had to be there to help them pick up the pieces, to recover, and to come back even stronger. Like there was anywhere else you’d rather be.

The wait for Jamie to be able to leave was excruciating. All you wanted to do was to hold him in your arms, but he (and the rest of the team) had to go through media questions as well as their own team debrief, and by the time Jamie eventually appeared he looked exhausted.

Like, drained to the bone exhausted.

Without a word, Jamie passed you his car keys, linking your hands together as you left the arena. Jamie stayed silent the whole way home, during the drive and even after you’d walked in his front door, to the point where you couldn’t hide your worry on your face. What could you do here? How could you help him?

Jamie saw the concern on your face and just pressed a kiss to your forehead, before tugging you gently up the stairs to his bedroom. Silence. All silence. Deafening all-consuming silence that you had no idea what to do with but it was clear that this was all that your boyfriend could handle right now. So you would roll with it, give him what he needed, just be there for him. That part was easy at least.

He stayed silent as he stripped out of his clothes, staying in his underwear, so you followed his lead, thankful for the grateful smile he sent you. It was definitely a new feeling trying to read someone without any verbal prompts, but just the fact that you could tell what Jamie needed after only 6 months without him telling you felt good, like you were doing the right thing.

Jamie guided you into bed with him, waiting until you were settled on your back before he rolled mostly on top of you and buried his face into your neck.

Oh.

Oh Jamie.

You slid your arms around him, one hand rising to play with his messy curls, and you felt him let out a shaky breath, bringing tears to your eyes. This strong wonderful man was barely clinging to his composure and he trusted you to see him so vulnerable? That broke your heart all over again.

Time passed slowly, like wading through molasses, filled only with your fingers stroking Jamie’s curls and his shaky breathing, everything fading out until your world consisted of only the two of you. He needed you. He needed you. He needed you. And there was nowhere you would rather be.

Eventually, Jamie pressed a kiss to your neck, and lifted his head up to look at you.

“Thank you,” he murmured.

“What for?” you mused, cupping his bearded face with one hand.

“For being you. For supporting me. For making this suck less. Take your pick,” Jamie shrugged.

You laughed softly but curled your head down slightly to kiss him, just a soft slow kiss, before pulling away again. He still looked tired. Just so done with everything. And if you could help with that, even a little bit, then of course you were going to.

“I’m here for you, whatever you need,” was all you said.

“Hold me a little bit longer?” he asked hopefully.

As if you were going to say no to that. Instead of answering, you just pressed his head back down into your neck, earning a huffed laugh against your skin as well as a gentle kiss to the sensitive skin. You could feel his body relaxing finally, melting into yours, and you let your body do the same, the emotions of the day finally catching up with you. Just as you were starting to drift off, you felt Jamie kiss your neck again.

“I don’t really know what tomorrow is going to be like. Probably awful. But I’m glad I get to do it with you by my side,”

This man. This big beautiful tender-hearted man. How did he not realise how devastating he was to your heart?

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be right here with you, as long as you want me,” you said softly, willing your voice not to crack.

Jamie hummed softly, pressing another kiss to your neck, before he buried his face back down. You cradled his head with your hand, squeezing the arm you had around his waist that little bit tighter. If he needed you to shield him from the world, to protect his head and his heart, then you absolutely would. He had always been there as a rock when you needed him, and there was nothing that could stop you from being the rock he needed in return now.

You didn’t know what this summer would bring, but you knew you would be right there by his side. The two of you had found each other out of nowhere, and there was no way you were losing him now. Jamie had your heart, just like you had his, and you couldn’t imagine your future without him. It had been a beautiful 6 months together – bring on tomorrow, and every day after that.

[gar-trek]

I review killing time (or whatever)

Okay, yes this review has taken me forever and that’s because there’s so much I want to say, and most of it has very little to do with the plot of the book. I cut down a lot of this so you guys could just get to the main point of what I’m trying to say, so I apologize if this is a little brief or incomprehensible to those who haven’t read the book. 

And also, before I get into it, I would like to say rest in peace to the author Della Van Hise, who passed away in march of this year. She contributed a lot to the fandom, especially in regards to K/S fiction, as well as publishing a lot of non-trek related work during her life. 

First of all, if you have heard of Killing Time, there is probably one specific reason for that. It’s the same reason I picked up the book in the first place and why it’s really even a topic of discussion on this site. To put the story quite briefly, Killing Time was recalled during its initial release on account of the book having too many slash elements (aka, the relationship between Kirk and Spock could be read as sexual/romantic). I first heard about the book here in this post where the history of it is worded to sound like one very dramatic mystery. One user (no shade intended here) even goes as far as to say the book was recalled by old Gene himself! Now I’m always one for drama and such, but after reading the book I looked into it a little more, and I don’t think that’s exactly how it went down. 

Here you can find multiple statements from the author herself, in which she tells the whole story. According to her, the book publisher accidentally released an unedited manuscript that was never supposed to make it to the public. So technically the publisher did not recall the book because it was “too gay”, they recalled it because they printed a version that was never meant for the public to see anyway. These were the edits that were specifically requested by Paramount, who the publishers were supposed to go through to get the final okay on all material. And like, yeah, all of Paramounts edits were pretty much to delete any sentence where Spock and Kirk are tender to each other, they were trying to make is less homoerotic, obviously. I understand why this slight distinction may not make much of a difference to you guys, but for me it’s important to note that the book wasn’t recalled because it was too gay, it was just never supposed to be gay in the first place. It doesn’t make that fact any better, but it does make it less dramatic, in my opinion. I encourage you to read the statements from the author on this topic though, because she gives the whole story a lot better then I just did. 

Now to address the main question at hand, does Killing Time depict a romantic relationship between Kirk and Spock, or is it all just hype? (in layman's terms, is the book gay or not?) and to answer quite plainly, yes it’s gay. of course it is. but then to answer less plainly, no. What the fuck do i mean by this? well let me try and explain. 

I read the second edition of the book, aka the censored version, but I also followed along with the first edition (using this great article). The changes made to the book did not effect the plot at all, and were really only minor things. Notably, in the second edition they just kind of left out any part where Spock and Kirk touch each other (and I don’t mean in a sexual way). For example, there is a scene where Spock and Kirk are having a serious conversation in the ships garden. In the first edition, at the end of the conversation Spock places a hand on Kirks shoulder, which Kirk covers with his own hand. In the second addition, all mentions of this simple contact are deleted. The differences between the two are mostly little things like this. There is no secret sex scene or love confession hidden in the first addition. You see, in my opinion, the changes made to the second edition of the book do very little to censor the romantic undertones between Kirk and Spock. That’s because they are ingrained in the plot line itself. 

One very important aspect to this book is that Kirk and Spock share a mental bond. This is something that can only happen between a Vulcan and another when they are extremely close. The mental bond that Kirk and Spock share is so strong in this book, it’s even present when they enter an alternate dimension where they are strangers to one another. There is a romance in this book between two original characters, and their relationship is constantly being paralleled by that of Kirk and Spock. And, maybe most telling, Spock refuses a female Romulan who is very interested in him over and over again simply because Kirk exists. And no, that’s not an exaggeration, here is a line from when the Romulan woman was begging Spock to be in a relationship with her: 

“I need you. The Empire needs you, what more can there be?”

“James Kirk” the Vulcan murmured without hesitation.

That line is in both versions of the book. What I’m trying to say is yes, there are K/S elements in Killing Time. There are many tender moments and lots of talk about Kirk and Spock’s devotion to each other. 

So now you’re asking yourself, Gar, why did you just say earlier that “no, the book is not gay”? Well, that’s because it’s not. This isn’t a K/S book. This isn’t a piece of Spirk fanfiction. Because for as much as this book is about Kirk and Spock’s relationship, it’s even more about Romulans (and more specifically, that one girlboss Romulan Commander from the Enterprise Incident.... bet ya didn't see that coming!) That’s right, the most controversial Star Trek book ever published is at it’s core quite plainly just a Star Trek book. There is weird alternate dimensions, time travel, espionage and lots and lots of Romulans! 

Alright, alright, what I’m really trying to get at here is that yes, if you read into Killing Time there is K/S elements. I mean for god sake the author was a known K/S fanfic writer, that wasn’t a secret by any means. If she wrote their relationship a little more tenderly than most authors would have, can we really be surprised? But writing a K/S story was not her intention here, and that’s not what this is. I think the author put it best herself, so I’m just going to put that here: 

“If people chose to see overtones of K/S in it, maybe it’s because there were overtones of K/S throughout Star Trek itself.”

People will hype up killing time as some secret confirmation that K/S is real and canon, and I really get that. Like, it would be really nice to have some canon acknowledgment of K/S, and I really don’t blame people for acting like that’s what this is. But that really isn’t what this is. And even if there was some kind of love confession, I really hate to break it to you, but the Star Trek novels are just fancy fanfiction and are not considered canon by any stretch (excluding the one Gene wrote himself, which let’s face it, perhaps has the most K/S elements of all). 

If you are looking for a nice story about Kirk and Spock being in love, then I very much urge you to look at Ao3 or similar sites. Skip this, if you want a K/S story, because that’s not what this is. Now, if you’re a huge fan of the Romulan commander from the Enterprise Incident, then my GOD you have to read this. I think this was a pretty solid Trek book. It was no piece of literary genius, but it got the job done. There was a lot of it that I think could have been left out, because it the later half it started to drag horribly, and we got a few plot threads that went absolutely nowhere. I’m not sure I’m much of a fan of alternate universes, as I really really enjoy the established dynamic of the characters, but it didn’t bother me too much. But I mean hey man, there was defiantly parts where I was so invested I couldn’t put the book down. Give this one a read if you’re looking for a pretty interesting Trek book with a little bit of cheeky K/S sprinkled here and there. 

If you have given the book a read, or just have thoughts in general, I’d love to hear them!