#also how 2 draw bruise i googled what they look like but idk if i nailed it……

[romanticallyghosting]

@june-doe-2024 day 19! crossover

so. sorry i gave up. june doe was pretty overwhelming tho lol and i didn’t want to keep doing all my art day of. i also didn’t want to just spend like 30 minutes and make the crappiest piece of art and then post it because TRUST ME my doodles are bad 😭

but i did the lineart for this before june doe even began in preparation for it- and i decided why not post it!! so i did. all the coloring today and here it is :)

anyways i did a little shop rtc cross over!! i only drew nischa because. i’m lazy. but in this au i imagine seymour as mischa, noel/monique as audrey (inspired by jinks monsoon playing her off broadway recently!!), penny, ocean, and connie as chiffon, ronette, and crystal (i think those are their names…), and karnak as mushnik. now you may notice that ricky is absent from this list, but there’s nowhere to put him really!!! either a crazed dentist or a capitalist plant and i’d never do that to him. so yk

also virgil is audrey II because i say so <3

[plainlybiasa]

on life : 2021.01.09

I'm at a point in life where I have no idea what I want to do and how to sustain living.

Also, stuck in this loop since a few years back : "I'm running into a wall re : work" "I think I need a new job where I can better use my expertise" "What even is my expertise" "Can I afford changing jobs now?" "Is there even anyone who wants to employ me? In this economy?"

I've been feeling bad about my current job since idk 2019 maybe? But I just held it in ofc, for financial reasons. Then I started feeling weird physically some time in Oct 2020 iinm, where I'd feel some kind of rapid heartbeat, nauseous, & lost appetite due to the nausea (like I didn't feel like eating because I felt there's a lump in my throat, I'm scared I'll throw up if I eat more than half of what I usually eat).

Then in Nov 2020 I went to a local clinic because the condition have been continuing for a few weeks & didn't subside. The clinic ran some tests -- ECG for the heartbeat, drawing some blood to check for abnormalities -- and they didn't see anything unusual. Hence they referred me to a hospital for further checkup.

Upon checkup at the hospital, I was then admitted to a ward (had to do a swab test to confirm I was covid-free before admission) for monitoring and more tests : more blood drawn (at least 2 small vials + 1 large one); another ECG session; x-ray; ultrasonic scan twice (once for the abdomen, then they saw a suspicious lump in my uterus; hence the second time, where it was confirmed that the lump was benign & it had been inspected during my pregnancy ~5-6 years ago so nothing new); more IV drips; some medicine; and just...basic monitoring.

The blood-drawing was kinda 'fun' in which the nurse sorta had to 'force' my blood out since I didn't eat the usual amount lol but she managed to do it & she was also the one who fixed the thingy where IV drip would connect to your vein. I've had an IV drip many years ago, and at that time I had a bruise by the end of my treatment; but this time, none! So the nurse did a super great job & I was so impressed by this XD not even a small spot of bruising! Just a tiny blood clot & that's only due to the 'needle' :3

Anyway -- by the end of my monitoring (5 days in the ward; my daughter kept asking me when I'd be home sobs) the doctor could just conclude that what I had was reflux and/or gastritis, so I got some gastric meds to continue taking at home.

When I resumed work, my big boss mentioned that he wanted to see me & asked about my hospital stay. So I went to his office & then he told me that he experienced a similar thing to what I had some years ago, multiple times, and his doctor said that what he had was anxiety. (I just nodded. Tbh I was searching/googling for the feelings I had and maybe it *is* anxiety, or at least some form of work-related stress, but I had to means to confirm it, so I kept it mostly to myself.) My boss then proceeded to advise me to : "Cut your coffee intake, and basically change your lifestyle" (not word-for-word, but that's the gist). Then he had a meeting & I just said thanks & left.

I mean...okay. Coffee, I've been cutting it to at least 1 cup per day instead of the usual 2 cups. And lifestyle? Idek what he means by that but I'd eat my meals half of the normal amount. That's something, right?

Then at work, I've been 'entrusted' (more like 'forced to take') a project (Project A) where I wasn't even involved in at the beginning. And now it's looking like it's growing to become a sorta big project, because suddenly it involved an important customer and they want to review some part of it in idk 3 weeks?  Yet I wasn't given a clear direction ("Think of it yourself! Place yourself in my shoes"). And at THE SAME TIME, I was asked to "analyze data for Project B" where Project B's data is supposedly confidential and I wasn't even supposed to have it, but I was given it anyway; and "get a baseline for Project C", where it should have been that project team's responsibility imo but since my department has more 'experience' about it, it's mine now I guess; both of which I was doing together with Project A.

Project A needed a lot of confirmations & organizing & alignments, hence when I was asked about Project A's progress, I said "Not much yet" & my supervisor responded "So no progress then." In my defense though I said I was also doing Projects B & C, to which I'm being told "Project B is now being handled by Colleague X and Project C is supposed to be easy, right?" I kept silent and later asked Colleague X about it. He said that only on that morning of the day when I was asked about the progress he was told about it. Which meant (or at least, I felt like) that the things I've done all this time for Project B was not worthwhile at all? Like all my effort, down the drain.

Then another day, on the last day of 2020, since I was already struggling with Project A, I was asked about an old project that he wanted us to hand over to another department, and he said that "Until when would we hold this? Do you know when this would be a problem?" & to which I answered "I don't know. Maybe tomorrow?" I admit I answered that sarcastically and pissed-off-edly and it was evident that he may be pissed-off too, because immediately he got up & walked away. Then Colleague X repeated the same question to me, but in a different way in which I can understand, and it just messed me up.

Then now, early Jan 2021, that sensation (rapid heartbeat, nausea, can't eat) is here again. Coincidentally I had a follow-up checkup with my hospital doctor and I told him I'm getting those again. He looked a bit concerned & I told him about the thing my boss said (about anxiety). My doctor just said "We'll try to see if there's a need to further do a scope-check with you before we rule in the anxiety cause" and proceeded to give me a 2-day medical leave. Which I'm thankful for but made me feel guilty for losing work :/

And during these 2 days, what I actually did was...looking for job opportunities. I think I just can't handle my current work anymore. But at the same time, I can't risk not having income hence I may need to stay in this job for a long while until who-knows-when.

And then there's also the question of : what am I actually good at? Why'd people want to take me? Would I be good in another job?

I'm just...tired. Idk what else to do.

If the doctor decides that I need the scope-check (literally inserting a scope to check my internal organs) then I may be warded again; it'll be safe, at least I'm in a hospital & legit don't have to worry about work; but at the same time I'll worry about my kid & anxious of the outcome. Also there are 'rumors' about another possible lockdown so maybe I can't go to the hospital anyway.

*sigh*

...what now?