#also him being afraid to be the reason nat dies really hurts thinking about endgame

[normaltothemax]

say it . go ahead, say it's my fault . [Loki @ Clint OwO]

Looking him dead in the eyes: “It’s your fault.” What, did he think Clint wouldn’t say it? Fuck that. Clint had absolutely no problem telling Loki exactly where he could stick it. And now that he did finally say it out loud, it was like a dam somewhere inside him broke, letting everything else he’d kept pent-up inside of him come spilling out.

“You think just because this Thanos guy used the scepter on you, that you’re not responsible for what you did? News flash, asshole, you still are. It doesn’t matter why you did it, you still did it. You launched a full-on invasion that killed innocent civilians. You tried to kill us. You still mindfucked me. And because of you, I killed people! Good people. My coworkers, my friends. I tried to kill Natasha, for fuck’s sake, and the only reason I didn’t is because she’s better than me.” The thought of being the reason his best friend was dead still made his stomach plummet. He ran a hand through his hair, ignored the way it shook.

“And as much as I’d love to put all the blame on you for their deaths, I can’t. Because even under the scepter’s influence, I made those choices. That’s on me, just like everything else is on you.” God, did he ever want to hit something, right about now. “You might’ve managed to get everyone else’s pity with this shit, but you’re not going to get a shred of it from me.”

@dramatisperscnae (x)

[crimefighting-spiderling]

Love, your friendly neighborhood spiderman

!!!ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!

Warning: suicidal thoughts, and suicidal attempt.

Loss. Peter knew that he’d never get used to it, though he wished he did. Maybe it’d make life easier, or at least grieving would be.

His parents died before he could make memories with them, his uncle had died in his arms May had died during the snap, a driver who was one of the fifty to be dusted had driven into May. The hospitals were understaffed, if at all, and she, along with hundreds of others hadn’t gotten the treatment they needed.

And finally, Tony had died. Sacrificing himself to save the entire universe, and with great power, comes great responsibility. And when you use that power responsibly? You have to pay the price for power. Tony’s charge was death.

Peter believes he died with Tony.

Peter got along with the team, Cap was like an old grandpa, Clint was the cool uncle, along with Rhodey, Sam, Bucky, and Vision. Wanda was like a sister, Carol was the aunt who came by every so often, and once they returned the soul stone, Nat was also an honorary aunt. Pepper was like a mother when he saw her, Morgan, was his sister.

They tried to get him to talk, to one of them, to Sam especially, or a therapist.

He never did, no use saving the dead, Peter reasoned.

Months passed, and Peter seemed to finally be getting better. He noticed the team’s relief, they all looked more relaxed around him, they didn’t check in as much, they finally felt like they could rest.

Peter was not better.

He wasted oxygen, space, paper rewriting and rewriting his final note. He wanted it to comfort others, and say it was coming for a long time because, to be honest, it was.

The team all met up together once every month to check in, hang out, and make sure team morale was up. It was movie night and it was Cap’s turn to pick, he picked a star wars movie, Peter didn’t know which one. He wasn’t paying attention to the movie.

“During the 70 years, I missed these movies.” Cap claimed though Peter believed Cap could tell he wasn’t feeling well.

Once the night was over Peter said his good nights and retreated to his room. Sighing, Peter wrote his final message and left the compound, telling Friday to say he was asleep if asked.

Natasha woke up at 8:00 and wandered into the kitchen not long after. Sam and Bucky were eating breakfast.

“Hey Nat” Sam greeted and Bucky echoed.

Natasha hummed in response while getting cereal, “Where’s Peter? The kid is usually awake by now.”

“Dunno. Friday?”

“Young sir is still asleep.”

“Did he have a nightmare? How long has he been asleep?” Sam asked, concerned.

“Is he ok?” Bucky added

“Young sir did not have a nightmare, he hasn’t been asleep yet, and I cannot access his vitals.”

For such a worrying statement, Natasha thought, Friday was awfully calm. “Where is he?”

“Young sir has left a note, would you like me to read it?”

Everyone looked at each other, and Bucky nodded.

“Hey whoever finds this. This is going to sound cliché but, I’m sorry. I thought I was strong enough to win this fight, you’d think I would be because all I’ve been through, but maybe it’s time for me to rest.” Friday began and ice slammed into Natasha’s veins, remembering what Pepper said to comfort Tony while he died.

“You can rest now Tony.”

“Mr. Stark had always teased me for my curiosity ‘Be careful Parker,’ he would say ‘curiosity can kill.’ And I remember I would always respond 'I am a spider, not a cat.’ Mr. Stark always sounded like he regretted saying 'That means you’re 8 lives short, kid.’ He said it every time, though.”

Natasha noticed that the others, minus Pepper and Morgan, had entered each looking like each word was hurting them.

“I’m glad, now, that I’m not a cat. That means I’d have to die nine times for finally be allowed to rest. I’ve never been poetic, Ben was the one who could create worlds with words. But I figured that it’d be nice to end where my relationship with Mr. Stark really began. I’ll be sure not to leave a mess, it wouldn’t be fair if someone had to clean it up. For a while, after the reversal, my curiosity paused, though recently it’s taken over me. The only thing that I can think about is what the taste of a bullet would feel like.”

Natasha couldn’t breathe anymore, she was frozen, terrified. She could see Bucky desperately trying to track him down, Rhodey was trying to figure out what Peter had meant when he said where their relationship started. Everyone was doing something.

Natasha had to calm down her breathing and refocus and started helping Bucky look for Peter.

“I’m afraid, though, I already know the answer to my question. Freedom. It will taste like freedom and rest. Once again, I’m sorry. I’ve fought for so tired, and I think I’ll rest now. Love, your friendly neighborhood spiderman.”

Peter didn’t think death was supposed to hurt this much. He knew he must have been dead because he could see Tony. And everything was white, with a light, light blue as the floor.

Tony ran and hugged Peter, and he melted. Peter didn’t know he was crying until he heard his mentor murmuring into his hair “Calm down Spidey, it’s ok.”

“I missed you.” Peter cried into Tony’s shirt, he didn’t want to let go.

Tony sighed and kissed the top of Peter’s head. “I know kid, but you’ll have to go.”

Startled, he jumped back. “Sir- Tony what do you mean? I don’t- I don’t want to go, sir, please!”

Tony looked like he was crying, and sounded like it. “I know kid, I know. I know you are tired, and I know that you can’t just retire like everyone else did. I know that you’ll fight as long as you can still stand. Trust me, I know.” Tony let out a small, dry laugh at the end.

Before he gave time for Peter to respond, he had led them to a pond that seemed almost a tan white. Looking at Tony, who just lifted his eyebrow in the way that he always did when he said ’You can figure it out, just trust yourself.’

Taking a deep breath, Peter looked into the pond.

The first thing that Peter saw was himself.

He saw himself on the floor of the warehouse that fell on himself so long ago. The warehouse that gave Peter nightmares, nightmares that Tony had always comforted him after.

Seeing him dead felt… disappointing, almost dissatisfying. After so much, Peter hadn’t died saving someone or died because he refused to help hurt others. He died because he gave up.

Next, he saw the team. Everyone was mourning. They had all gathered in the common room, none of them speaking. Peter’s old videos, from before Thanos, were playing.

“Queens. It’s a rough place but hey- it’s home.” Peter had said in a deep voice.

Hearing a quiet, small sob, dead Peter turned to see Morgan.

Morgan, his baby sister.

His baby sister wasn’t meant to be crying. She was meant to be great, better than Peter, Tony, and Bruce. She was going to rebuild the world into something better than it was ever before.

She was curled into Pepper who had also clearly been crying. Morgan was wearing one of Peter’s hoodies (One that he stole from Mr. Stark) and it was clearly way too big on her. The hood could have completely covered her face without stretching and the sleeves could have been used as jump ropes.

He would have laughed if she wasn’t crying. Instead, he scolded himself. Even while dead you still hurt people.

He was pulled out of the pond, and he noticed that he was crying also. Peter looked up at Tony who was smiling sadly.

“It’s not your time, Spiderling.”

Peter nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Tony led them to a door, which made Peter laugh, it was so cliché.

Peter hugged his mentor one last time before he turned to leave. Just as he was about to close the door he heard Tony say goodbye.

“Hey kid, if you ever do this again, May and I will kick your ass.”

Wow! Ok, this got a lot longer than I thought I was going to be. And a hell of a lot angstier. I might continue this, and reveal the team’s reaction to Peter being alive. Reblogs and likes are appreciated greatly!