#also he knew i had a crush on him and sometimes fed into my delusions

[makarhughes]

i almost slid up on my high school crushes insta story and said something absolutely unhinged … we haven’t spoken in four years

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Oppa Knows Best | Part 1

Word Count: 6k Genre: Smut, Angst Summary:  If there is anything a lot of people can agree on when it comes to college, it’s that college is about much more than just education; it’s a whole transformative experience.  The person you were before college is not the same person you will be after college, and no one knows the truth of that statement quite like you do. You just didn’t expect to change so much so fast. A/N: this is like my fifth friends to lovers story and there is no sign of me stopping any time soon lmao  Warnings: This story contains a very unbalanced power dynamic between the two main characters that is unhealthy and shouldn’t be tolerated irl. If someone treats you this way irl please run. This is a fictional story and the plot is basically just a vehicle for the smut. Contains slutshaming and controlling behavior. Also the dirty talk is painfully corny and pornolike so be warned lol. Oppa kink if it wasn’t obvious.

Even though you and Jaehyun were only one year apart in age, he had always babied you, to the extent that the one year you were forced to be apart for the first time since you came onto this earth—on account of him beating you to college first—you spent it lost and adrift like a puppy trying to find its way back to its owner.  

Which was completely ridiculous and melodramatic since, during that year you spent apart, Jaehyun never let a day go by in which you didn’t talk to each other. He called or texted you every single day no matter how busy he got and basically kept in better contact with you than even your school friends whom you saw every day. But still, his physical presence was something else. When it came time for you to go to college, there was no question about which one you’d choose, and he didn’t even bother to ask before bringing you all the papers that you would need in order to apply to the same college he attended. He guided you every step of the way lest you make any mistake and get rejected, and before you knew it, you were under your guardian angel’s wings again. Everything was as it should be. Your world was back on track. All the pieces fell—wait, what did he say? He thinks you should get some space from him? What the fuck is he on? You had this whole thing planned ever since you were little kids, and he seemed to be fully on board with that plan up until now. Isn’t that the entire reason you were here?  

“I’ve been on your back ever since you were born, but this is college, angel. You’re supposed to let loose a little and experience new things, and you can’t do that if I’m always around you like a second shadow. You’re on the same campus as me so I can still get to keep an eye on you and keep you safe. I don’t need to be your roommate too and be all up in your business all the time. You need a little space to grow and discover yourself.” 

He had explained it all so eloquently, so maturely; it made you want to gag. Who the fuck said you wanted space? It sure as hell wasn’t you. The entire reason you chose this college was so you can re-suture your hip to his and never separate again. If you had wanted space, there were a million other places you could’ve gone to instead of here. His whole explanation sounded like bullcrap to you, and it was just so unlike him. Your Jaehyun, Mr. overprotective in the flesh, telling you that he should back off and let you get loose? Yeah, you’re calling bullshit on this.

It didn’t take you long to find out the real reason why he refused to room with you, and it was just so typical, you actually burst out laughing in spite of the pain when you had caught him red-handed. You see, Jaehyun has developed a curious little womanizing streak in your absence. It was both unexpected and entirely predictable. Jaehyun was a man after all, and he had spent his whole life being the exemplary good boy who every mother wished her son would be more like. The only girl he interacted with beyond some cordial, totally neutered socialization was you, and you can unfortunately testify that your relationship was nothing more than an older brother-little sister type of thing. So of course odds were that he would give in to his physical needs eventually, and they say that the more repressed you were, the more freaky the meltdown gets.   To his credit, he tried to shield innocent, little you from his promiscuous ways, but alas, he was doomed to fail from the start. You just can’t hide your rendezvous when you’ve gone through half the student body already. Yup, shit sure got freaky. You wouldn’t have been nearly as crushed about this new development if it weren’t for how stupidly in love with him you are. Yes, stupid, dumb, idiotic you had to be every fucking cliché in the book and go and fall in love with your handsome, charming best friend who, of course, saw you as nothing other than a little sister. It was easy to delude yourself back home where your entire world was only a few blocks wide and Jaehyun’s sole attention was on you, but now he has dozens of beautiful women willing to warm his bed every night, and he’s burning through them like he was hell-bent on making up for the years of celibacy he had endured back home. Still you had enough sense of humor and self-awareness to laugh your ass off at the look on his face when you busted him. For a hot second, he tried to claim that the woman he was in bed with, who he didn’t even know the last name of, was his girlfriend and not the night’s flavor. You had sat there and listened to him dig himself into a progressively bigger hole until his partner finally cracked from the awkwardness and exposed his ass.

As much as you wanted to hate him for lying to you and, most importantly, for being with anyone who wasn’t you, you really couldn’t. He remained the same Jaehyun you’ve always known, always around and always there for you. He never let you down. It’s just that you now knew he wasn’t some kind of pure angel, but a grown man with needs and a very healthy sexual appetite. You could no longer continue to live in a fantasy world of your making where he was going to proclaim his love for you any minute now so you can go on and live the happily ever after you’ve been promised by every movie ever. You couldn’t even go the easy route and hate the women he slept with, call them sluts and whores and claim you’re so much better than them. Truth is, if you were in their place, you would’ve slept with him too. Who wouldn’t? He’s handsome and sweet and smart and the sun shines out of his ass. Any girl would be lucky to have him even if just for a night. You could only wish you were so lucky.     But despite how so uncharacteristically rational you were about this whole thing—and you gotta admit, you were damn proud of yourself for it—it was all still so surreal, and that feeling, that weird emptiness that came to reside in your chest in place of the fanciful love that once bloomed there, couldn’t be shaken off by any number of rational arguments or self-reflection. And you didn’t know what you had to do to fill that void so it wouldn’t swallow you whole.   It messed with your head sometimes, the emptiness; it told you that this was all his fault. It said that he had tricked you into wasting your life on him, that he purposefully fed into your delusion by the inordinate amount of attention and love he lavished on you. It spoke to you of how differently your life could’ve been if you had known how he felt from the start. For one, you wouldn’t have planned your whole life around him. And now you were stuck, forced to keep living in the ghost town you had built for him. So, desperate enough to take another page out of the book of clichés you so loved, you decided that since your years worth of love for him couldn’t possibly be replaced by the tepid, superficial affections that came with crushes and brand new relationships, you were just gonna have to go old school and fuck the bad feelings away. And surprisingly, it worked. For a couple of months, you attended every party on campus you could get into and refused to head home until you had someone in toe. It was awkward at first, for someone with zero experience like yourself, but you had lost the love of your life and were determined to find even a little bit of pleasure in this hell you suddenly found yourself thrown into. That determination paid off, and soon, you were floating high off your sexual awakening and all the new kinds of pleasure that came with it. Before coming to college, you never really thought about sex all that much, just the occasional guilty session where you’d rub one out to the thought of Jaehyun’s hands on you and him telling you what to do like he always did in real life. But those were few and far between and you always felt bad about it afterwards. Now it was entirely different. You reveled in your encounters. It felt good to allow yourself to feel pleasure and share it with someone who genuinely desired you. You got off on it—the effect you had on your partners. Contrary to how your dynamic was and is with Jaehyun, you were shocked to discover how much you enjoyed being the one in control every once in a while. It was much more than just sex to you, it was like discovering a whole other aspect of yourself that you never knew existed and would’ve never known about had Jaehyun not broken your heart. You were enjoying yourself and experiencing new things, just like he told you to, so it was just so fucking hilarious to see him right now, angry and pissed off at you for following the very same advice he gave you. You had noticed the building tantrum a week before it got bad enough for him to confront you about it. He always happened to be at the same parties you attended, and whenever you looked his way, he was always watching you, an ugly grimace on his face and an ominous look in his eyes that told you he was seconds away from ripping apart the person who was daring to touch you limb by limb. He was furious and visibly not in control of his emotions. Perhaps that was the reason why you could decipher another emotion in his eyes that you never saw directed at you before, desire. You didn’t know if it really was the first time he looked at you that way or if he always has but knew better to hide it, but that shit was like a drug to you, and you did everything in your power in order to fan that flame. You wore progressively more revealing clothes and acted progressively more wanton. You made sure he always had a good view of you as you put yourself in all kinds of compromising positions.   All your hard efforts culminated to this—him dragging you behind him to his dorm room after he snatched you away from the arms of your dance partner, whom you were practically dry humping on the dance floor.     Jaehyun flings you through the door and slams it behind him, his demeanor chilling. You’ve never seen him this angry before. You genuinely didn’t think that your guardian angel was capable of looking this menacing but somehow you managed to get him to this stage. It didn’t help that his bangs, which were normally styled down to give him a soft and fluffy look, were now sleeked back, making his features look severe and accentuating the fury in his eyes. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, huh? What happened to you?”  “Enjoying my college life?” You hold your head high, refusing to feel belittled by him. “Weren’t you the one who told me to?” “I meant make friends and join clubs, not be the first contender for the title of campus whore!“ He shouts. You knew Jaehyun was drunk, catastrophically so, otherwise he wouldn’t dream of using that tone with you, let alone call you a whore, but it still pissed you off. You also happened to be equally as drunk as he is and fully prepared to retaliate. “Kinda hard to win that contest when you’re the reigning king. Or is it ok and cool when you fuck a different person every night but it’s dirty when I do it? I never took you to be so sexist, oppa.”  “Don’t play dumb, ___. It doesn’t matter what I think of it. You could pretend we live in an ideal world all you want and that a woman and a man can be treated equally, but this is the real world, sweetheart, and it’s ugly and unfair, and it doesn’t care about those naïve ideals you have cooked up in your pretty little head.” Jaehyun gets up in your face and taps on your skull with his fingers, mocking you. “The fact is that a man can sleep around and not catch any flack for it. Hell, he might even be idolized. But a woman like you does it and the size of her tits and how tight or loose her pussy is are the talk of every guy on campus. You may be enjoying yourself now but it won’t be so fun for you when you realize that you’ve made it so all the guys here think you’re only good for being a warm wet hole for them to stick their dicks into.”  You were hurt. Jaehyun has never talked to you like that before. Even during his worst moments, he always took care to choose his words carefully so he wouldn’t hurt you, but now it seemed like he wanted to hurt you. He was being vindictive and petty and nothing at all like the Jaehyun you knew, and it hurt you so bad but it also made you angry beyond belief. You weren’t stupid. You were perfectly aware of how fucked up this world is, but he’s your best friend and he’s supposed to be your slice of utopia in this world. That’s what he had always been. Even if the world was unfair, he always supported you and offered you reprise from it, not parroted the bigotry back at you and made you feel like you have to accept it. If all the guys on campus really thought that way about you then they could go fuck themselves. Anyone who adheres to that ridiculous double standard isn’t worth you wasting a single thought on them. The problem lied in the person that already meant the world to you and yet chose to treat you the same way all those fuckers did. “Do you see me as a hole to stick your dick into as well, oppa? Is that why you’re so fired up about this?” He gapes at you, scandalized. “Are you insane? Don’t talk like that.” “Why? It’s the truth. I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at me lately. Your dick wants to fuck this easy pussy, but your head is all conflicted about it because I’m your innocent, little girl and you’re not supposed to be thinking that way about me.” “You must be out of your fucking mind.” He hisses, and it really amazes you how he seemed to be getting angrier by the minute. You didn’t think it was humanely possible, but here he is reaching new heights with it. It should scare you off and that is clearly his intention, but the defensive undertone to his words rung clear in your ears and piqued a dangerous blend of curiosity and self-righteousness within you that urged you to expose him for all his lies.   He was standing so close to you that you only had to raise your hand in order to place it on his chest, “It’s ok, oppa. You’re a man too.” You slowly trail your hand up and down his firm torso, your ears attuned to the way his breathing got less steady with each pass of your hand over his lower stomach. “You’ve spent your whole life trying to distance yourself from the perverted and less civilized of your gender but this whole thing is forcing you to realize that you’re just like them, and all it took were showing a little bit of skin and being a little provocative for you to get off your high horse and deal with the fact that you want to wreck your little angel.” Your hand slides up to latch onto the nape of his neck, nails scratching lightly at the small hairs they find there. “You talk about other men, but it’s really you who is thinking those dirty things about me, right, oppa?”   Jaehyun remains frozen and unresponsive, but you could practically feel the barely suppressed anger unfurling under his skin. “So are you going to grow a pair and do something about it or are you going to continue hiding behind your fake concerns?” A tick in his jaw is all the warning you get before he’s grabbing a hold of you and bending you over the arm of the couch. Your shout of indignation cuts off into a sharp cry when you feel his large hand smack your ass. He might as well have slapped you right on the face for the flush that instantly colors it red. But it won’t be alone for long as Jaehyun seems intent on turning your ass even redder than your face is, delivering harsh, incessant smacks to both cheeks. “You just don’t know how to shut up, do you? You think you’re too grown to listen to your oppa anymore, huh? You think this is all fun and games?” He growls. “Oppa! What are you doing?” You shriek out. You were beside yourself with humiliation. Yes, you were goading him just a second ago but you never imagined he would actually do something like this! He chuckles mirthlessly, not stopping his assault. If anything he spanks you harder. “Where did the confident, sexually forward woman go? You’re gonna act all innocent now that you’re faced with the consequences of your actions? Well that’s too bad, angel, it’s a little late for that. If you wanna go around wearing big girl panties and acting like a slut, then you’ll be treated like one.” Fuck, this was so wrong, not just because of the degrading position and the way he was speaking down to you, but because of how much it was actually turning you on. The rumble in his voice and the rough, open-handed strikes he pelts your ass with do nothing but make you squirm with arousal. As you’re stuck trying to juggle between coming to terms with the embarrassing effect he has on you and simultaneously trying to hide it from him, you get struck with a sudden epiphany. You realize now why you had always allowed him to control your life; simply, you enjoyed it. You were just blissfully unaware of how much you’d enjoy him forcing you to submit to him. “Look at this, your skirt isn’t even covering your ass properly. Such a fucking slut.” He tuts, his hand taking a reprise from spanking you to rub over your red, exposed skin. “I can fucking see your pussy from here.” To prove his point, he insinuates his hand between your thighs, his fingers easily coming into contact with said panties. “Fuck, you’re so wet.” He purred, thrilled by your body’s honesty. “You like this, don’t you? You know you deserve to be punished.”  Impatient, he rips the panties down your legs and hurries to put his fingers on you again, moaning in appreciation when they touch the bare, velvety skin. “See? You’re a good girl. You just needed oppa to remind you.” Hearing him praise you like that, you couldn’t help yourself; you feel your pussy clenching around nothing, causing a small dribble of arousal to come out of your hole and coat Jaehyun’s fingers. “Damn, you really are needy. Now I see why you’re sleeping around so much. You can’t help yourself. You need someone to fill you up and take care of the ache in your pussy. Do you want me to do that for you, baby girl? Do you need oppa to stuff you with his cock and make the pain go away?” You feel yourself on the verge of tears, humiliated like you’ve never been before. Jaehyun is making you sound like some kind of a sex-crazed nymphomaniac which you weren’t at all, but it was hard to argue his point when just the light touch of his fingers on your pussy and the faint whiff of his cologne that permeated the air were making you hyperventilate. Feeling embarrassed but desperate, you push your ass back onto his finger and whine, hoping he would take some pity on you and spare you the degradation of having to say it outloud. He responds to that by removing his fingers entirely to deliver two cruel smacks to your already red and sore ass, his wet fingers leaving sticky stains on your cheeks. “That’s not how we ask for something, brat.” “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” You wail, “It just hurts so bad!” “Where does it hurt, baby?” He coos, pretending to be concerned. He trails two fingers up and down your slit a few times before they settle against your hole, dipping inside shallowly. “Here?” “Yes! Please, oppa.” You cry out in frustration, putting all your effort into stopping yourself from pushing your ass back again to take his fingers deeper into you.   He hums, pleased with your answer, and rewards you by pushing his fingers all the way inside you, the width of them stinging a bit, but it still felt better than anything you’ve ever experienced before. Guess it’s true that sex with someone you love feels intensifies everything. You were getting so close already, and you try to pull your legs together to rub them against each other, but Jaehyun places himself between them and forces them back apart, smacking your ass with his free hand then massaging where he hit when he hears you whimpering in pain. “You’ve done so well already, don’t misbehave now.” He pumps his fingers in and out of you, and your legs shake with the effort to hold yourself up and keep them spread. Jaehyun notices your distress right away,“Oh, are you close, angel?” He taunts, “Are you that needy? Or do you just want oppa so bad?” “Please, can I cum?” You deflect the question, not feeling up to the effort it would take to lie to him but also not prepared to reveal your lifelong crush on him while you were bent over the couch getting fingered by him. That’s not what your nine year old self imagined it going at all. He sighs, but lets you get away with it. “Yes, sweetheart, you can cum.”   “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” You repeat like a mantra, feeling a sense of unrivaled euphoria ravage your body at how good his fingers feel inside you and how long you’ve been waiting for it. You’re boneless by the time your orgasm dies down, leaving you exhausted and vulnerable to the effects of the alcohol that was finally taking a toll on you. So when you hear the sounds of a zipper going down and a foil package getting ripped opened, you whine insolently, worried that your poor tired body might not be able to survive getting fucked by him if he continues being this rough with you. “Hush, brat.” He slaps you, this time over your sensitive pussy making you spasm in shock before falling boneless again. He gathers you in his arms and lays you on your back on the couch, pulling your thighs tight against your chest. Keeping your legs spread and heels in the air, he pushes himself inside you, grunting, “Take my cock like a good girl. This is what you wanted after all.” When he’s all the way inside you, his breath leaves him in a shaky sigh, and he takes a moment before he starts moving. But when he does, he doesn’t hold back, snapping his hips into you as hard as he had smacked your ass earlier, as if intending to make this into a punishment as well.  It was certainly just as humiliating, for he pushes your top and bra up to your chin so he could leer at your breasts as they bounce up and down with every thrust while his hands keep your legs spread wide with your heels up in the air. You felt every bit the slut he was accusing you of being, and yet you couldn’t stop yourself from drenching his cock in your juices, overwhelmed by a crude sense of pleasure at being manhandled and used by him, at having the man you’ve loved all your life claiming you in such a primal way. “Fuck, you’re tightening up.” He drawls, the words heavy on his tongue as he snaps his hips into you harder to overcome the resistance.   Are you gonna cum again? You like my cock that much. baby?” You turn your head to the side, trying to bury your face in the cushions to hide from him, but Jaehyun doesn’t allow it. He stops his movement and tugs on your hair sharply, forcing you to face him again. He bends down so his upper body is draped over you, his face mere inches from yours. The new position has his other hand pressing your thigh harder against your chest, making it cramp, and you whimper in pain. “Oppa, it hurts.”   “Say it, angel.” He lets go of your thigh and moves his hand to your lower abdomen, his thumb hovering just above your clit. “Tell oppa how much you like his cock and I’ll let you cum again.”

His gaze pierces yours, ordering more than asking you to obey him, and it’s a crime how sexy he looks even as his skin glistens and his bangs stick to his forehead with sweat. His figure looms over yours and he exudes a dominance you were no match for. You never were. So, meekly, submissively, you give him what he wants. “I like it so much.” “Like what?” His gaze doesn’t free yours as his hips pick up the pace again. It smolders, lighting your every nerve ending on a fire that is fanned by the grunts and moans that escape through his clenched teeth as he feels your walls clenching down on him.   “Your cock, oppa. I like your cock so much.” You really did. His cock fills you up just right, just a little bit too big so it give you that delicious burn as it forces its way between your walls, but not too big to actually hurt you. All that sleeping around must’ve did wonders for his skills because he knew just how to move his hips, which angle to hit to make your mind go blank and submit to him. “Please let me cum on your cock.” You whine, fearing that the overwhelming pleasure might short-circuit your heart if it didn’t find a release soon. “Plea—AH, fuck, Jae, Jae!” It only takes a couple of flicks of his thumb to have you spasm around him. He fucks you through it, grunting with effort as your walls get even tighter, making it harder for him to keep fucking you, but he doesn’t stop. Your orgasm feels never ending as he drags it out in order to reach his own, stretching your nerves thin with the over stimulation. Finally, finally, his hips stutter and he give you one last brutal thrust before he groans and collapses over you. His sweaty body, his hot breaths in the crook of your neck, and his cock throbbing inside of you as he cums almost suffocate you. The heat of him around you, inside of you, is overwhelming, and you feel like you’re trapped inside a furnace. Just before you start gasping for breath, he gets off of you, taking care to not let the condom slip inside of you as he pulls it off and ties it then gets up to dispose of it. Without his body warmth, and his warm presence, your entire body erupts into goosebumps, and you quickly yearn for his suffocating heat once again. Luckily, Jaehyun’s absence doesn’t last for long. Ever the gentleman, he comes back with a wet, warm towel that he uses to clean up the mess you’ve made between your legs. When he’s done, he tosses it to the side and scoops you up in his arms, taking you to his room. He sets you down on the bed gently, taking care to avoid putting pressure on your bruised bottom. You’re like a rag doll in his hands as he strips you down and dresses you up in one of his big shirts. He then grabs some cream, and coaxing you to lie on your stomach, he massages it on your reddened bottom, kissing the top of your head softly every time you wince in pain. When he’s done with everything, he engulfs you in his arms and whispers a soft good night in your ear.      

And sure it felt great to be treated so tenderly by him, that was one of the reasons you were so ready to submit to him in the first place; Jaehyun always knew how to make it worth your while. He knew how to pamper you so you’d strive to please him in order to get more of it.

On the surface of it, this looked like everything you’ve ever wanted, if only it wasn’t ruined by your knowledge that it was decidedly not. This isn’t a boyfriend caring for his lover after sharing a heated moment of intimacy. This was… well, you didn’t even know what the hell it was, and the huge question mark that hung in the air kept you from deriving any sense of enjoyment out of the situation.

You need to talk about what just happened. You needed to know what this means. Did Jaehyun like you too or was this just a sexual thing? Does he even find you sexually attractive or was he just drunk and pissed off? Is this something that could possibly happen again? Can there be something more?

You had so many questions to ask, but your eyelids were heavy and your mind was heavier, and before you knew it, it shut down on you mid-thought and plunged you into the blissful land of slumber.

“Let’s go get your stuff.”

“What?” You croak, barely having woken up yet, not to mention that some motherfucker was pounding on the inside of your skull like he was trying to break out.

Jaehyun stares at you, his eyes unnerving and entirely too sober. “You’re moving in with me. I need to keep a closer eye on you from now on. I won’t let you continue living this kind of lifestyle.”

Just like that, all sleep flew from your mind.

“What the actual fuck, Jaehyun?” You explode, “At least make a girl some breakfast before you go full chauvinist on her.”

“That’s not funny.” He deadpans, “I’m worried about you.”

“Well, you don’t need to. I’m a big girl. I don’t need you to check for monsters under my bed anymore.” You retort, incredibly annoyed that this was the direction the conversation was taking. This isn’t what you thought you’d be talking about. Dumb, little girl.

“Here we go again.” He rolls his eyes, and your cheeks flame at how condescending the gesture was. “You’re just a child who is playing at being an adult. You don’t realize the mess you’re getting yourself into. I can’t stand by and let you ruin yourself like this. I’ve taken care of you your whole life and I’m not about to stop now, even if you’re going to hate me for it.”

“I’m not your fucking doll, Jaehyun. Don’t I get to have a say in my own life? God, are you even listening to yourself?” You massage your forehead, unable to contend with both the headache and the unreasonable man. It was different when you were drunk and horny and trying to get into his pants, but now his words sounded just as ridiculous to you as they were. “If I had known you’d turn into this sexist, controlling asswipe the moment I did something you didn’t like, I would never have come here.”

He flinches at your words, looking wounded, but you can’t find it in you to feel sorry for him. He brought this on himself.

“I only want what’s best for you, angel.” He takes your hand between his own but you yank it away.

“You think slutshaming and controlling me is what’s best for me? It’s what’s best for you. You can’t handle that I’m not the virginal little girl you used to know and that I’m now a woman with an actual sex drive. You don’t like the ugly truth it’s making you confront about yourself so you want to force me to wear my old skin again so you can go on pretending you’re still the nice guy you always thought you were. You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Jaehyun.”  

“You’re right. I am a hypocrite. I criticized you for the same thing I gave myself a pass for, and that’s not fair.”

“Thank you.” You mumble, finding it strange how he gave in so easily, but feeling relieved nonetheless.

“So I should stop too. I won’t fuck around anymore. I’ll clean up my act and go back to being the older brother you deserve.”

“What?” You sputter, dumbfounded. “That’s not what I’m saying. You can fuck whoever you want. I don’t care.”

Your protest was weak and you knew it. You did care, a whole fucking lot. You were accusing him of being a hypocrite, yet here you are, ready to denounce your sexual awakening in exchange for keeping him celibate as well. It just hurt so bad to see him with all those women, and it never, ever got better. So if the price of you never having to see that sight again is sacrificing your own sexual freedom then would that really be so bad? You’ve lived through that before. You’re used to it.

“I know you don’t.” He gives you a strange smile, one you’ve never seen on his face before, and yet it feels so profoundly familiar. When he takes your hand in his again, you let him. “But I care. I care about being someone you respect and look up to, and I won’t achieve that by sleeping around.”

“I would still respect you even if you slept around, oppa. It’s your choice. I don’t want to snuff out your love life.” Your words said one thing, but your body language said another. You were looking at him with big, wet eyes and a woeful face that you knew he could never resist. You were playing the role of the martyr who is willing to sacrifice her own happiness in order to make him happy, because you knew that Jaehyun would never allow that to happen.

“You’re not snuffing out my love life. I can still date.” You couldn’t keep your face from visibly falling at that, and he hurries to clarify, thinking that your problem lied in his double standards again rather than your jealousy over him being with another woman. “And you can too! I’m not against you finding a nice guy and building a long lasting and loving relationship with him. On the contrary, that would make me so happy.”

He gives you a bright smile that you mirror with your own soulless one, but he doesn’t notice your lack of enthusiasm, and continues on. “I know that sleeping around isn’t necessarily a bad thing nor does it make you a bad person, but I just want to make sure that no one is taking advantage of you and that you’re safe and with someone who deserves you. Of course, he’d have to come through me first.” He chuckles, but this time you don’t even bother giving him a reaction.

“Is that alright with you, angel?” His knuckles caress your cheek softly, and you close your eyes, leaning into his touch and resigning yourself to a life of being wrapped around his finger. “Yes, oppa.”

A/N: I’m on hiatus so I don’t have time to pour over this story as I normally would have so excuse the cheese and the cliches. Anyway feedback keeps me alive so I’d love to hear from you guys.

[renaroo]

hi! did bruce ever come to accept that cass DID kill a man or is this something he's still in denial of?

Oh boy, so this is a favorite subject of mine and especially now that we have two continuities to provide comparison for, I’m going to wig out a bit and go for a full deep dive here. My apologies, one and all.

Discussions of murder, child abuse, and suicide under the cut.

New Earth | Pre-Flashpoint Continuity

The simple answer to this is that Bruce learned the truth but rejected the truth and for as far as we were ever given evidence for in all of Batgirl (2000-2006) and all comics after that – minus the OOC “Evil Cass” Saga that everyone agrees to ignore – he basically rejects it without fail. 

Now, one would say that Bruce Wayne objecting to hard evidence on anything is out of character and they’d be right. And, in fact, for Bruce’s subplot throughout Batgirl (2000-2006) that dichotomy actually proved to be one of the leading problems. 

Even when David Cain gives Bruce video evidence of the murder Cass committed as an eight year old child, he is heartbroken but also refuses to accept it no matter how much the evidence stacks up.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #4]

But, of course, the more he analyzes the tape, the more he looks for signs of tampering or editing, the less he finds, and the more angry he gets at himself for not being able to somehow change the reality of what is happening.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #4]

This isn’t a new thing for Bruce’s characterization in this era. Earlier that same year in the premiere issue of Batman: Gotham Knights (2000-2006), his “blind spots” were actually the main crux of the issue, as all the evidence pointed toward the son of the two victims being the one who committed the heinous murder, and he spent valuable time and effort, as well as everyone else’s time and effort, trying to find any evidence at all that would prove the truth wrong. To the point that Dick was trying pretty desperately to take the case from Bruce so it wouldn’t bother him so much. 

But even with that case, as as much as it affected Bruce, he ultimately conceded to the evidence. 

Cassandra, though, is personal. And throughout her Batgirl run, Bruce again and again makes comparisons between the two of them. Bruce almost uncharacteristically opens himself up to Cass soon after beginning to work with her. She had be “vetted” by Barbara, easily Bruce’s most trusted ally at the time, had proved herself by saving Bruce’s best friend Jim Gordon, and provided assistance at their darkest hour during the No Man’s Land crisis. But more than any of that, Cassandra was the first person in Bruce’s life who seemed to carry his blind allegiance to the “No Kill” rule that he had. 

And just when Bruce was most confronted with the facts, when he had heard from Cain himself that Cass had blood on her hands, Cassandra proved herself in an act that even Bruce himself would have had difficulty doing as selflessly and heroically as Cass did. She races into gunfire, not dodging a single shot in order to keep a criminal behind her from being taken out by friendly fire. 

And in the process, has a quiet moment that once again shows just how incredibly similar she and Bruce are in their attitudes and mannerisms.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #6]

And when Bruce asks her about it later, she gives him an answer that seems to help him draw the wool over his eyes all the more, because she couldn’t be so instinctively protective of life like he is if she had ever taken life herself.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #6]

If Cassandra, who embodies his philosophies and beliefs so much could kill, then that meant that Bruce could kill, and this was at a dark time in Bruce’s life where that very question was something that could have been the end of him, even the suspicion of murder – such as in Bruce Wayne: Murderer?/Fugitive – would tear down everything he believed at its foundation.

But of course, all of this was still a willful delusion on Bruce’s part. Cassandra had killed. Cassandra’s guilt and death wish was because of her past. And just because Bruce came up with any excuse possible to ignore these facts didn’t mean that it wasn’t plain to see for everyone else. 

And thus the main conflict for Bruce in Batgirl (2000-2006) wasn’t really portrayed as him discovering the truth about Cass’ past – he had the evidence for it since the third issue – it was about how his inability to accept it, because of his inability to forgive that fault, fed into Cassandra’s death wish as much as her personal guilt. 

Bruce couldn’t accept the reality of Cass having been used and manipulated to do something so heinously wrong when she was a child, because he couldn’t accept the flaw of his own morality that (at this time in his life) he would not be able to find it in himself to forgive someone he loved and admired so much as a part of his family. His very staunch black-and-white worldview was shaped in a way that it made it simpler for him to put criminals away and to see willing killers as deserving of punishment without nuance was at odds with the girl he had adopted as his own who very much was born as evidence of the world’s shades of gray.

But Bruce wasn’t Cass’ only parental figure. In fact, Barbara Gordon was a far bigger influence at this time and Babs was someone with a far more nuanced outlook. And also someone who believed not only that Cass had been haunted by this crime, but was someone who wanted Cass to learn how to forgive herself for something that wasn’t ultimately her fault. Barbara knew that Cass needed to see from her mentors that she could be forgiven before she could really forgive herself, and as long as Bruce wasn’t budging, she was going to continue on her path of self destruction. This frightened and angered Barbara because she couldn’t force Bruce to believe and forgive, even as the time of the death-by-Shiva was approaching. 

Without getting too much into it, I’ll just say that this sentiment is very similar to the helplessness one feels with being familiar with the signs of someone becoming increasingly suicidal, but incapable of pressing others in the loved ones’ life to open their eyes and see the danger for themselves – to accept that there is a problem so that they can then begin to help heal and fix and forgive for it.

This comes to a head in Batgirl (2000-2006) #23 when Barbara tries one last time to wake Bruce up to the reality of it while Cass prepares for her final fight.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #23]

Honestly, #23 is probably one of the most underrated issues of the entire series and… while the subject material is dark it’s vital to really understanding what the first third of the run was even about. 

There’s an element of Bruce’s denial that is a bit self serving. He doesn’t want to see what’s wrong with Cass’ behavior or her suicidal behavior – her death wish – because it requires him to defend a fundamental flaw of his own philosophies and beliefs. It requires him to really confront how he’s capable of forgiving criminals who have more identifiable motives and, often, mental illness, but is much stricter and less forgiving of the people he loves most and has the highest expectations of. Usually people whose mental illness and trauma aren’t as easily identified. 

It confronts the mindset of valuing any belief system over the circumstances of reality. And Bruce, until he goes through this himself and forgives himself in Bruce Wayne: Murderer?/Fugitive can’t begin to accept what it would mean for Cassandra. 

But, for reasons that many can fannishly extrapolate on, Barbara can. and it’s fortunate that she can because Cass surviving, Cass being reborn after what is for all intents and purposes a failed suicide attempt, it was Barbara who let her know that her life was still valuable, that her sins and burdens were not beyond forgiveness or made her undeserving of love. That no fault would make Barbara love her less.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #25]

Cass’ victory in this moment is actually also Barbara’s love as a parent winning as well. Because sometimes putting aside long held beliefs and traversing into new territory to adapt to the grayness of reality is the only real way to be moral in life.

And it’s because Babs showed Cass the way that Cass is able to finally accept herself and see outside herself enough to recognize that same tendency, that same crushing death wish in her opponent as well and ultimately give Shiva the gift of living past a death wish as well.

[Batgirl (2000-2006) #25]

This is just an amazing powerful moment and for obvious reasons can effect many people very differently. This tone, this strangely optimistic story about conquering the shadow of death after it haunts you for all of your life, was one of the most important comics I personally had ever read. And because of that it means a lot to me. I like that there were so many layers to Cass’ feelings, to the reactions of the people around her, and how sometimes those people around her failed her without ever even realizing it. 

And in a way, Bruce did fail Cass in this respect. And it’s because of that that I think a lot of people don’t come away from Batgirl feeling it lines up well with any Batman they know. In a sense, yeah, it feels pretty damning for him to have never accepted the danger Cass was putting herself in, to never fully accept it as something he could change or even that he could contribute to. 

But that’s a sad reality. And in 2003? It would have been all too easy for a parent to write off suicidal teenagers as something that was completely outside of their control, and as much as that angers me today in hindsight, I can’t say that such mistakes would ever singularly make someone a completely terrible person. 

We never get evidence that Bruce accepted the truth later in the series or beyond. And I do think that’s a dangling plot thread that works against the overall “score” of Cass’ Batgirl series as there were quite a few plots that were left aside unceremoniously. But I can also argue that it was something that was left behind because they didn’t think it held any narrative purpose after presenting the “wrong” way someone handles other people’s suicidal feelings. Batgirl is Cass’ story, and Bruce being able to accept the truth for himself once Cass moved past it could have been part of her story, too, but it was still mostly a Bruce story. And it was never brought up in his own series again.

Not to say that Bruce didn’t…. evolve on those thoughts over the years anyway. Just. Not in regards to Cass. Just in regards to Damian and David and…. Selina in hindsight. Comics are weird, and this drop off of this narrative point also marked a lot of change up in Editorial and Writing for the Bat Books that would take us down a path to War Games so saying that we weren’t going to be getting much nuance on the subject is putting it lightly.

Prime Earth | DC Rebirth Continuity

Cass is a really different character based purely on her origins alone in this because a fundamental change was made that... kind of took a lot of power out of Cass’ original death wish by some’s measure, and moved us beyond years of idealizing a teenager’s depression and mental illness in others. It will really depend on what side of the fence you land on for how you feel about either.

Cassandra’s murder was not a nameless mobster here but instead one of her best friend’s mothers, Miranda Row. She also has a mission before she joins the Batfamily of her own volition, one specifically handed to her by Bruce who knows she was Miranda Row’s murderer from the start. 

Bruce’s acceptance of Cass’ past sin is actually the main crux of their relationship in this version and isn’t at all independent of the very real fact that Cass hasn’t been given a mother figure in all of this, there is no Barbara who will play opposite to Bruce’s approaches to Cass’ struggles and past. Therefore the narrative doesn’t have the freedom to explore how different approaches to raising a child with these conditions, especially an adopted child, and so Bruce has to be good and accepting of Cass or else the narrative is just needlessly mistreating someone without giving them any relief or help. To avoid that, both Bruce and Cass have a lot of those layers removed and the story is streamlined. 

Bruce isn’t only accepting of Cass’ past, he is actively encouraging her to move past it and maybe even give up vigilantism and violence as a way to reclaim herself.

....

While simultaneously reminding her that Miranda Row will never come back? But at least Harper forgave her? 

.... Batman and Robin Eternal was a mess.

[Batman and Robin Eternal (2015-2016) #26]

You can sort of see the editors and writers desperate to sidestep subjects they don’t want to deal with but also wanting complexities and so... never... really threading that needle.

But since Bruce never really ignores or avoids her past and her faults, that need for Cass to internalize her guilt and to exile herself from the basic joys of life doesn’t really exist either. If he accepts her openly and acknowledges her past, Cass knows that her idol will love her despite her flaws without a blanketed, irrefutable moment like we got between Cass and Barbara in Batgirl (2000-2006) #25.

Un...less we randomly have it anyway?

So. Starting with the relaunch of Detective Comics in Rebirth, we have the mandatory team-gathering issue where Bruce gives his analysis of all the recruits one by one and it includes a moment about Cass over the backdrop of her saving children from a human trafficking ring -- this is notable only because that seems to be the only thing Tynion ever has Cass doing on her own, busting up these rings, but it’s also never commented on and we’re never told how she tracks these down and whether it’s something she dedicates herself to as it has something to do with her past under Mother and that child trafficking. Tynion likes to... not get too far into the subjects he brings up. Which is again a bit at odds with how the old Cass went.

And in this overview Bruce is giving Kate about Cass he.... remarks that she’s the most dangerous fighter he knows which. Seems to go back on his previous reactions to her where it was all about how he believed in her and saw past her one sin and knew how good she was, enough so he trusted her to run interference while he... self-amnesiaed himself for the majority of BaRE. 

[Detective Comics (2016-present) #934]

This also leads to some questionable choices on how they present Cass’ internal struggles. Because she’s been forgiven, she isn’t isolating herself willingly or unwillingly anymore, and she’s already confronted the murder she committed and received resounding forgiveness from Harper (and notably no one writing cares about Cullen’s feelings on the matter hmmm) who regularly pals around with her now like nothing happened. 

So it’s confusing when the only arc which has centered around Cass so far tells us that she’s... drowning in guilt and that she’s desperate to figure out why Batman believes in her. Even though... we know as readers that he.... doesn’t necessarily believe in her all that much. 

[Detective Comics (2016-present) #950]

I should note that none of this is really resolved by the end of this particular arc. she just. Learns that she doesn’t have to fight alone because she has the family behind her and she gives her declaration to Shiva that “I am not less, I am MORE.” so. What I’m saying here is there’s some confusion and a lack of cohesion in what they want to do with Cass here.

They’re not comfortable with tackling a teenage girl’s suicidal tendencies and, really, that’s more than understandable. I wouldn’t want any writer to tackle a subject that important without having a full vision and lots of comfort in doing so. Even the original take with Cass, which benefited from having different circumstances and an editorial team that allowed for Cass to have two mentors to balance things out with, was far from perfect and Bruce’s part in the relationship is a key example of that. 

In New Earth, Bruce never had to fully confront how he was wrong in his approach with Cass, or the fact that it almost cost his adopted daughter her life. Somewhat ironically, Batgirl (2000-2006) was often limited by its failure to sum up the points of its more complicated perspective and storytelling into exact words. The lessons could be missed. 

But in Prime Earth, we have the broad outlines of a relationship dynamic that doesn’t really match up with the text it keeps providing us with, or how they strive for that perilous tone that was known in Cass’ original series, without wanting to dive into the greater themes and struggles. This is a limitation of wanting to hit those notes without focusing hardly any published page time on Cass and her story. These things will only become more and more noticeable as time goes on and we’re continuously sold this idea of growth and relationships without Tynion’s team actually dedicating the time to them. 

So, that’s my summation of the whole thing! Sorry for going a little extra on it lol I appreciated the question a lot.