#also hazel grace lancaster i am SOBBING | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

swit-purple · 3 years ago

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"This is what you are fond of doing, right?" he finally said. "To sit here on a rooftop, and watch those twinkling dots," he added.

I nodded and said, "Yes."

What a wondrous view. I loved how those stars smile on me. These twinkling dots in this vast darkness made me realize that there is always a brighter side in every obscurity.

"But what made you sit here with me, Adam?" I asked him.

He didn't say anything. Guess, he knew that I will say something more. It was obvious that he is waiting for what will I say next.

"Because you once told me you hate to gaze at these stars. Why did you choose to be with me tonight?" I added.

"This will be the last," he said calmly.

Puzzled and confused, I looked at him. This was not the first time he told me these words, but he is still hereㅡnot giving up on me, 'though he always has a chance to just leave me alone.

"Nina, why do you love to watch these stars?" he asked in the midst of silence. He's still staring at the stars.

I smiled and said, "I do not know, but it's as if some of them are really meant to guide me, to make me smile. Like some of those tiny circles are made just for me."

I have sensed that he is smiling after I said my answer. I wanted to ask what's the reason behind his smile because everytime I see that curve painted in his lips, it looks familiar to me.

Like I have known that smile since the very beginning.

"How about you, Adam," I paused for a while and looked at his face once more. He was already staring at me.

"Yes, Nina?"

"Why do you hate to watch this phenomenal sight? I mean, you always decline my request to watch this one whenever I ask you. Why do you hate stargazing?" I asked him without a doubt because he used to tell me that he hates doing this one.

He stared up at the night sky and said, "It's like watching someone dies."

"These stars that we are currently watching are the dying ones, Nina. This beautiful panorama of stars for you is a graveyard of dying hopes for me," he added.

Silence filled the air. I've got nothing more to say to him after hearing his insights about stargazing. I didn't know why, but I felt a sudden pang of agony inside my chest.

Why am I feeling so frightened right now?

While pointing at the stars, Adam said, "Look at those twinkling stars that are shining for you."

A line from one of my favorite songs. A well-known line from a song entitled "Yellow".

I glanced at him for a second and saw his eyes glitter, but apparently, not because of happiness.

Are those tears, Adam? Are you crying?

"You are quite a fan of Coldplay." When I stared back at him, his eyes were already fixed on my direction.

In just a split second, I can say that the world had stopped. I can see his soul on those brown eyesㅡas if telling me something that I must hear from his lips. I needed to hear it from him.

I needed to hear what he's about to say.

"I'm not a fan of the band. I'm just stating the bleak truth that some of those stars are shining just for you," he said while still looking at me.

I wanted to look away, but it will just ruin the moment. And I really didn't know how to avoid his gazes.

He showed me a faint smile and looked back at the night sky. I just stared at him for few seconds and decided to do the sameㅡfixed my eyes to this celestial view and give in to the feeling of loving them.

Breaking the silence, he said, "Would you believe if I tell you that some of those stars are parts of my heart?"

"Adam, try not to be fond of reading fictional stories. You are gettingㅡ"

"I'm serious, Nina." Yes, I can see in his eyes that he is really serious. I just didn't understand why I am feeling so afraid that he is acting like this right now.

"Adam, let's just enjoy this night, and leave all those negativities behindㅡ"

He cut me off and said, "Can you just close your eyes for a while and listen to me?"

"Adam, pleaseㅡ"

"Just do it for me, Nina. Please?"

Although I was full of hesitations and doubts, I still closed my eyes. I felt his hand holding mine tightly as if this will be the last time that he will hold it.

"I know, I am fond of fictitious things, but all of the things that you are about to hear are all true," he said as he held both of my hands.

I can feel the beating of my heart. Every beating whispered that I am scared of what he was about to utter.

"I had promised not to leave you, Nina..." I can hear his trembling voice and his hands that are shaking. I can sense that he is trying to veil the tears from his eyes that are about to stream down.

"But then, things happen for they are bound to happen," he added.

"What are you trying to say, Adam?" Bewildered, I asked him this one.

"You don't have to understand anything, Nina. Or you don't need to try to revive the memories you once lost," he said.

"Adamㅡ"

"It's fine with me that I only stayed in hereㅡin your past. At least, I became a part of your life. Sadly, I can no longer be there in your future. The present is still here, so am I. But this will be the last time, I promise." He kissed my hands and I felt his tears spilling down through my fingers.

A sudden series of memories came flashing right before my eyes. The first time I saw his smile. The first time he approached me after he helped me to pick up all of my books that had slipped through my arms. The exact day he asked for my name. The first time we ate our lunch togetherㅡboth dismayed with the fact that our examination week was still extended.

That very day he asked me on a date. The first time he rode on a rollercoaster and that became the last time, as well. The first time he bought a bouquet of blue roses and gave it to me. The very day I gave him my "yes". The exact day he took my hand while we were dancing under the heavy rain. He has a fever that night, but still insisted to join me to waltz with the storm and strong winds.

The first time I celebrated my birthday with him in my life. He gave me a present and it was a book from my favorite authorㅡthe book where I met Augustus Waters and Hazel Grace Lancaster. I told him that I finished reading that one within three days. While telling him how the novel had ended, I suddenly felt that my tears were already falling down from my eyes. He hugged me real tight and whispered, "Please, stop crying. That won't happen to us."

Memories kept on coming back to me. I started to get confuse about what had really happened, what is happening and what might happen in the next days of my life.

"This exact moment is a part of our past lives, Nina. And this is the fondest memory that I once had with youㅡwhen we finally watched the stars together," he continued.

"I had a deal with Himㅡif I can bring you back in our erstwhile lives just to be with you... even for a week." He let out a heavy sigh. I can sense that he is trying to suppress his tears.

"And this will be my last night with you."

I opened my eyes and saw his smile. It has the traces of fear... and sadness.

"I hope after this one, you'll be fine. That when you came back to the present, you will no longer grieve because of me, because I had sworn before that I will make you the happiest one, right? It breaks my heart seeing you mourn because of me, so I spread out and scatter every pieces of my jaded heart in the night sky." He almost choked while saying these things.

"And those starsㅡthose specks of light that you will see in the velvet skyㅡare parts of my heart intended to shine just for you," he added.

I can hear him sobbing. It pained me real hard knowing that he is crying in front of me.

"Guess, Destiny just played its trick on us. But don't worry, I'll always be hereㅡon your side," he continued.

He put his hands on my cheeks. I stared at him for a moment until he kissed my forehead.

I closed my eyes. I do not know why but I suddenly felt the need to cry. Like my heart is literally breaking into pieces within my ribcage.

Adam... why? What exactly happened?

"This will be my final glance...." he said.

He smiled at me for the last time.

He disappeared.

And then I remembered what exactly happenedㅡI also recall who Adam is in my life.

He was my best friend, my first love.

My husband who died years ago.

ㅡRen Ednalig

Illustration: 이정석

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kriemhildkeinylaine-blog · 8 years ago

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The fault in our stars by John Green

Entry date : February 17,2017

To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and to be loved by the person you love that’s everything! Hazel Grace Lancaster was nothing but a cancer patient who was at her terminal, final chapter of life inscribed upon diagnosis. She was at the stagnant point of her life. She does things just to remain alive and make her parents happy. She was literally bored with the mundane stuffs she does. Things would have remain the same if it weren’t for Augustus Waters. A lovely fellow who appeared at the Cancer Kid Support Group and changed Hazel’s life forever. Their love story was epic. The book, An Imperial Affliction brought the two of them together. It was the same reason why Hazel fell in love with Gus. Hazel’s strong wish to correspond with the author of the novel led Augustus into finding the author and finally corresponded with him. Hazel had no idea about Gus’ disease because he said he was NEC ( No evidence of Cancer) for thirteen months. He made Hazel into believing that he was healthy. Fights were won , questions were asked and at the same time Hazel and Gus fell in love with each other. Only to find out that Gus was inflicted badly by cancer. Their love was on its peak when Gus told Hazel about his real health condition. It was hard for Hazel. It was too much to bear but she handled it for Gus’ sake. They remained intact and in unsusceptible despite of the storms that tried to crush their relationship. Gus had some kind of obsession with oblivion. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to be someone who has an epic story to tell but the cancer disabled him from being so. While Hazel wanted to be loved deeply not widely. She didn’t want a million of admirer she just wanted one. That’s what Gus loved about her. She was busy being herself she had no idea what someone thought of her. When Gus passed away it was almost unbearable for Hazel. He was the star- crossed love of her life. Hazel was still thankful for the little infinity they had shared. What I got from the movie were these: don’t regret the choices you have made. Do not mind what others think of you because you have no obligation to please them. Don’t wish for everyone to remember or admire you. Just be happy and contented of what you possess. Love your family deeply and cherish the memories you have forever. Also, friendship is vital in one’s life. Defend and love your friends unconditionally. Never expect for an exchange. Give your all and regret nothing. After all we only have one life to live so we better make the best of it.

When my mother and father undergone a serious fight that almost tore their marriage apart, I thought it was the end of our happy family. I was devastated and lacked enthusiasm to continue. Luckily the dilemma was resolved and everything went back to its usual state. We were a merry family once again. The novel also spoke about friendship. It was between Hazel, Gus and Isaac. The three supported each other on the darkest and lightest point of their life. It reminded me of my friendship between Jessa Mae and Sherly. We were there to support each other. When Sherly’s house was burned we comforted her as she was sobbing helplessly. We also helped financially and never leaved her alone. When Jessa Mae had a hard time with her parents, Sherly and I was there to strengthen and enlighten her. We cheered her up. Friends do things for their friends after all, that’s what friends are for. Love comes in many ways, in one form or another. I felt another type of love when my grandfather died. My grandmother had a hard time accepting it. All her life she and my grandfather never left each other’s side. They were always together in spite of the poverty they faced back then. My grandmother had a hard time recuperating after my grandfather’s death. Like Hazel and Gus,my grandparents shared a love that was irrevocable and unconditional.

I wonder what will Hazel do after Gus’ burial? I am curious of what will be her actions considering that the star - crossed love of her life is now dead. I’m also wondering what will happen to Isaac, their friend after losing his eyesight.

I think Hazel will still go to the Cancer Support Group arm in arm with Isaac. I think they will remain friends even when Gus passed away.

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