#also happy thanksgiving & black friday to the yanks

[pockyandsoda]

i am now 30 years old 👀

happy birthday to me i guess

🥳🥳🥳

[nana-71926]

Author's Notes: Aaand, here's the next chapter! Happy Thanksgiving/Black Friday to you dears who celebrate the holiday! Stay safe out there! Special thanks as always to my co-conspirator, @stormofsharpthings, for all the great discussion on plot and character points. There is some mention of sexual assault here, not too much, but some might find it a bit uncomfortable. Just a heads up. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter anyway.

Also, apologies if you read the first teaser I posted a few days ago. This chapter got too long and it was bumped off to ch 14. Everything here will be brand-new, then. XD

Do let the Muse know what you think. ^_~

Excerpt:

“I have not got zero experience,” declared Brian, unaccountably stung and unable to believe the turn the conversation had taken.

“Well,” said Count Freddie, delicately picking a piece of lint off his tailored coat. “Says the Alpha who never even bothered to yank down his breeches before commencing with the humping.”

Brian threw his hands in the air in exasperation, but before he could say anything, a familiar high-pitched voice cut in.

“He was doing just fine before you interrupted him, Freddie,” growled Roger. “We were doing just fine without you.”

Brian turned to see Roger in bed, propped up on a mound of pillows, glaring at them.

“Well, back from the dead, I see,” remarked Count Freddie. “Finally.”

“Nice to see you back, Rog,” Brian found himself saying. “I was wondering when you’d finally show up. As your usual self, I mean.”

Roger gave him a small wave. “Hey, Bri.”

Brian turned back to Count Freddie, wondering just how much crazier his world was suddenly going to get, now that Roger was awake.

Buy the Muse some ko-fi to show her some love(and to make her write faster!) ^_~

[popculturebuffet]

Loud House Reviews: The Loudest Thanksgiving

It’s almost Thanksgiving! And a vastly diffrent one than in recent memory: Most of us are slimming down family gatherings to just whose in our house, you know because theirs a pandemic going on and it’s not worth risking your life for it. To those either guilting their families into it or doing so because MAGa or some such I only have this to say. 

Speaking of Black Friday i’ts spread over a week and it’s cyber deals mean I got a ton of graphic novels for a dollar a piece and my christmas shopping almost done. So in other words, boo Maga, yay safe and responsible captalisim.  But while the holiday may be diffrent, as well as the pseudo holiday attached that spawned a wonderful musical and many many injuries, one thing stays the same; Holiday Episodes. And despite being the less popular of the three holidays, Thanksgiving still produced tons of great holiday episodes and specials. And with everything being so busy I simply didn’t put too much thought into what to do for Turkey Day.. well okay the day proper i’m going to eat, spend time with family and watch a bunch of mystery science theater 3000, stay the course even in these troubling times, just with only the 4 other people who live in my house. But in terms of episodes I thought i had nothing.. then I started actually thinking on it and what do you know I have three things I want to do for the holiday, though one might wait till next year, and possibly a fourth. But given my workload currently, i’m not one to back away from a challenge, so welcome to a three or four course meal of reviews. First course: The Loud House thanksgiving special, the loudest thanksgiving.  I originally wasn’t going to do this one, mostly because due to my large workload and constant battle with procastination, I keep having to push back the latest episode review, and I have to do that one soon, as there’s a new episode in december and a christmas episode i’ve put off watching for far too long , as I INTENDED to watch eleven louds a leapin for every chirstmas up till now and never got to it before the season was over.  But just like elven louds.. Nick forced my hand.. and by that I mean the SPINOFF got a thanksgiving episode that’s also a sequel in some fashion to this episode. If I wanted to cover that episode this thanksgiving or the next I had to at least watch the original. And frankly, this close to the holiday there was no reason not to review it. So with that out of the way. 

Let’s Get At Er. This is The Loudest Thanksgiving... after the break

The Loudest Thanksgiving takes place during season 3, and still pre-casagrandes spinoff launch despite the christmas special taking place earlier. This is actually easy to explain: The Loud House runs on Comic Strip time... i.e. the characters don’t age unless the writers decide they do. But while the spinoff was in motion at this point, it was still a season off airing wise, and ill advised raitings stunt mini series wise, so in order to keep the Casagrandes fresh in people’s minds presumably, they did a crossover that at this point wasn’t a crossover but now technically is because the show exists but this existed before the show. 

It’s just a show, and I should really just relax. Point is this is a pre-crossover crossover, the two families meet for the first time, the man already said pitter patter, let’s get back at er.  So we open with Flip serving as our magical snowman narrator and regaling us with the tale of steven. Every compastionate can you imagine it... and i’m fucking with you, it’s of course abotu that time the louds and the casagrandes tried having thanksgiving together. 

We then cut to Lori and Bobby being all cute, as usual, and both talking over the phone as each show off their thanksgivings to each other and the enusing family shenanigans. On Lori’s side Lynn is wearing baggy pants so she dosen’t miss the game or the meal by going to the bathroom.. because that’s how pissing yourself works. Look if your going to do something that gross, stupid and broish just woman up and wear an adult diaper. The twins are guarding Lynn sr and the food, poorly, and Lisa has invented a Gravy Squriting robot. I can only see this ending one way. 

Yeah those single function robots really get useless once the exestnetial crisis kicks in. 

On the casagrandes side, Rosa is likewise guarding her kitchen, Frida is painting and Hector plans to sernade eveyrone because Hector is the best and you all should know that. Even with the recent Bobby Abuse he’s still awesome. As for the Mercado, CJ and Ronnie Anne are running the annual canned food drive because CJ is better than the best and should really be used more often.  Both wish they could be there.. and both honestly talk about possibly spending thanksgiving with each other and just one of their family. It’s not a wild proposition: Both are going to college soon, both are in a longterm relationship.. they plan to get married down the line for now. If things hold they will eventually have to figure this out. Of course rather than fate let them figure this out themselves, Hector overhears on Bobby’s end and Lincoln, whose busy A Clock Work Oranging himself so he can stay awake during dinner, overhears on Loris, leading to an emergency family meeting for both sides.  Both families are worried their prospective teenager going to another house of their longterm significant other for one year will mean they get all the holidays. Having never had a relationship last long enough to worry about this, I don’t quite get it as in my experince watching couples juggle this.. they usually just alternate years, spoilers the solution the episode goes with, or trade off christmas and thanksgiving, both fair solutions. Buuut as much as this bothered me at first the more I thought about it the more it actually made sense: People.. aren’t always rational and won’t always do the smart or correct thing, especially when it comes to their children. And with Lori leaving college and the casagrandes being togehter for thanksgiving for the first time in about 5 years, with both ronnie anne and her mom not having had a proper one in some time due to her mom needing to work thanksgiving, presumibly because of the eternal curse of gravy chugging contests, they have valid emotional reasons to go a bit nuts and do some irrational and assholish things. They just don’t want to loose their big sister and big brother, and that’s fair. It may not be at all accurate but it’s fair. 

So thus began the great Guilt Off of 2018. ON the Loud side they START with a fairly soft pitch, the twins simply offer her food early, and she takes it because honestly I would too. Then again, i’d also take free food in just about any situation, so i’m not really a good gage for this. As long as it’s not poision i’ll probably eat it if it’s free. The next two are a little.. less subtle, with the kids talking about Lori’s roll in the annual thanksgiving skit.. which I’m assuming is soley for Lynn Sr. as no one else seems to be going to their thanksgiving. Which granted theirs valid explinations for why their neighbors didn’t go, the mcbrides and mr grouse have their own families and while Mr Grouse rarely gets to see his, he now has neighborly friends after the last holiday special happy to help. But Pop Pop.. makes no sense as his girlfriend, the only plausable reason he wouldn’t be there, was said to not have much family in her debut. So he’s just.. absent from thanksgiving for no reason. Thena gain we later find out this play is movie length, so maybe he was just trying to escape that which in that case, who can blame him. Rita almost reigns things back in with the mother’s trump card: parental guilt. Almost. She then almost crushes lori’s hand but it’s funny enough.  At the Casagrandes, their opening move is largely the same only Rosa wins in terms of execution, cooking up some of bobby’s faviorites to specificially target him. Frida paints him into a painting, again the Casagrandes win his one in terms of effort. They do tie in the last bit, as Maria and Ronnie Anne try the same sort of guilt slining with the same bone crushing.  Eventually both teens get fed up with the next bit; For Lori, Lucy gives her a long overdramatic poem about an empty chair which is easily tied with one bit later for best bit of hte episode.. which granted when I can only think of two or three gags that really made me laugh...

Bobby likewise gets Hector telling the story about a realitvie not going to thanksgiving. Both get angry.. which for Lori, isn’t all that suprising, if entirely warranted. For Bobby though? It’s like pissing off a dolphin. IT’s hard to do and very much not something you want to actually pull of. Both families are forced to admit they eavesdropped, and are incredibly worried about this whole situation, with Lynn Sr selling lincoln up the river for telling them... this man’s capacity for selling out his children is as awe insprising as it is truly pathetic. 

So the two teens go back to their rooms to figure something out and come upon a reasonable solution: just have one of the families host and both come to it. That’s more than fair. But given we still have a full special to pad out, both families are still treating this like a competion: while the louds win the coin toss, both sides are determined to win thanksgiving. IT’s far from the most insane contest i’ve seen this month, x of swords was happening and i’ve seen a russian yank a goblin out of the demonic alligator skin he was using as a puppet. And we don’t know for sure Arrakoa and Krakoa didn’t have a trial over a baby turkey being adorable as one of the challenges. Other challenges included getting drunk, an eating contest, telling someone to murder a kitten and a wedding, all of this is actual stuff that happened in this recent crossover, I have made up nothing. 

So after the break and Flip realizing oh shit the audience is back, the war begins. The Louds are preparing for war, with Lola putting out a picture of herself instead of bobby and laurie because of course.. still not a half bad gag. The Casagrandes arrive and in in a passive agressive move that was already done a year before this special by Brooklyn Nine Nine and better, brought their own food.. though the roast pig is a nice and unique touch. Points for that.  And this.. is where the special gets tedious. Yeah while the IDEA of this episode was really good and I was excited to cover it in practice it’s just similar gags on both sides done for both halves: The first being “let’s guilt them into staying” and the second being “Let’s one up each other” with only two bits really working: Frieda having a painting and the louds annual skit.  And the skit is because it raises a LOT of questions: Why is it 90 minutes, who played the adorable turkey in the years between babies? Was it just whoever was youngest? Who wrote this? Who is this for besides Lynn Sr and Pop Pop? Who all has sat through this thing at some point? Is that why the mcbrides don’t come over for thanksgiving? It’s just.. fantastic is what i’m saying.  

But otherwise this part is just the family trying to one up each other with food, or toasts, or song, before devolving into a big fight. What makes it not work is.. there isn’t a lot of personality there. You have these two big, plentiful, intresting casts, even at this stage with the Casagrandes far less established and fleshed out. And instead of finding interesting ways for them to play off one another meeting for the first time, and to use that to also flesh the characters out more for the inevitable spinoff, it’s just 

For most of the second half. Thankfully it DOES manage to bring things around as after things degenerate into a food fight, the families decide to just ASK the two of them where they want to go.. and find them entirely missing.  It then turns out, in a nice twist, this is where Flip came in. Since his place is the only place open 24/7 and 365, barring fishing season, Bobby and Lori fled here to flee their insane families.. who then follow them there because Carlos and Lisa have them chipped. I was suprised at first Carlos had a tracker on bobby but honestly, i’ts just common sense. The man is like a golden retriver in a man’s body. Here’s an artists interpretation

Both families breifly bicker before Lori and Bobby announce their starting their own family thankgiving with blackjack, and hookers. They really shouldn’t of let Flip in on the brainstorming session. Both families don’t want that, and apologize, admitting they just didn’t want to loose them and both genuinely offering to let the other have them next year. Flip, who despite having a “pay for my colonoscopy jar” with a picture of his ass on it, is somehow the voice of reason and just suggests trading thanksgivings every year, everyone accepts, and we do get a genuinely heartwarming ending of both sides gathering everything for a gas station thanksgiving. Honestly reminds me of king of the hill’s airport episode, but in a very good way and still unique enough circumstances to work.Also Flip, of all people, donates the cans needed to finish the can drive.. granted i’m not sure if they WANT any of that meat, but hey, he meant well and it made me really like the character.  We get a heartwearming duet between hector and luna and sono the whole family and we’re out. 

Final Thoughts: This was disapointing. I’ve listed most of my complaints already, but overall it wasted a good premise of two families coming together, and even the feud parts could’ve been funnier. As it is it’s just.. ehhhhhhhhhh. It has some good parts, and bobby is an angel here on earth as always. But the whole just feels padded. Like this was SUPPOSED to just be 11 minutes, got bumped up, and thus here we are. It’s not the worst Loud House has done, i’ve seen and heard of muccch worse, but for a holiday special it just feels stale and i’ve seen way better thanksgiving specials. And i’ll be getting to that.  If there’s an episode of a cartoon you’d like me to cover, just pop in my ask box or dms and you can comission a review for 5 bucks a piece. Discounts on bulk, 15 for movies. Until then , happy thanksgiving.

[imagine-loki]

Winter's Hearts

TITLE: Winter’s Hearts CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 27/? AUTHOR: nekoamamori ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine being Loki’s old friend/Lover in Asgard, but you left for Earth a long time ago. For all he knows, you might be dead, but you’re still alive and you’ve been working with SHIELD and/or the Avengers. RATING: T (so far) NOTES/WARNINGS: Also on AO3: Click here

    “I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving,” you growled at Clint the day before the stupid holiday. “I’ve never celebrated it and I don’t plan on starting now,” you grumbled, folding your arms and glaring at the group around the table.

    “Why not?” Clint replied too jovially. He was excited for the stupid holiday centered around eating too much. “We’re making a whole dinner it’s going to be a huge event in the ballroom downstairs,”

    “It’s a stupid Puritan holiday,” you growled the reply, grumpy that they were pushing on this. You grumbled and your wings fluttered. Loki ran his hand down your feathers, soothingly.

    “Care too much about the Indians?” Tony suggested, teasing, but not maliciously, just teasing, just curious what the issue was with this particular holiday.

    You surged to your feet and yanked up your pant leg so the whole team could see the old scar there. “The fucking puritans burned me at the stake for saving a village of sick children,” you snarled at Tony, but glaring at all of them. “I don’t celebrate the stupid holiday celebrating those sick assholes,” you growled with tears in your eyes at the old memories.

    You shoved your pant leg back down and stormed from the room to go beat up something downstairs. You’d never had any close enough friends on Midgard to try to make you celebrate the stupid holiday celebrating the people who tried to kill you.

    “Kyrie! I didn’t mean-”

     You ignored them and went to the stairs, taking them down to the training rooms. Loki was in one waiting for you, in workout pants cut so low you could see his hipbones. Especially as he wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was leaning against the doorway to the training room, and must have teleported down here to beat you here. “Come, Lady Valkyrie. There is only one aid for that kind of soul wound, ok, there’s more than one, but you, my darling, are a Valkyrie, so in your case, only one” Loki bid you kindly, teasing a little, which just grated on your temper.

    “What did you need, Brother?” Thor asked, coming down the hallway behind you.

    “Our Lady Valkyrie needs our help,” Loki told him as he grabbed your wrist to haul you into the training room, formality today, this was duty not pleasure. Thor nodded and shoved you inside, placing his hands on your shoulders. You vanished your wings before he could hurt them. Thor wasn’t the most careful when it came to your wings.

    “What are you to up to?” you grumbled at your boys, still in an awful mood from all this talk of the stupid holiday. Thor slammed the door closed behind him and locked it.

    “Dance with us Lady Valkyrie. You’ll feel better after you’ve worked off some of the pain of old memories,” Thor bid you kindly. They were offering to be sparring partners. One of them alone would have a hard time fighting you, and you already knew you could take Loki. Both of them could take your temper and full strength. It would be safe to spar with them, especially since they had been fighting together for centuries.

    “You don’t have to do this,” you told them, even as your workout clothes shimmered into place instead of the clothes you’d been wearing.

    “It is our duty. Besides, I don’t think I’ve fought you at full strength and temper since Loki pissed you off by sicking Lord Bodil on you,” Thor teased, which just sparked your temper higher. You offered them a bow each, reminding them and you that this was a sparring match and nothing more. You rushed Thor and the dangerous game began. Thor taunted and teased, riling up old memories, fueling your temper and anger at the people who had hurt you so many years ago.

    You don’t know how long you fought them. They were both gods, and while they weren’t Valkyrie, they had the strength and stamina to endure your attacks, especially without weapons, as this drill was. They also played off each other, taking turns so you were constantly moving, but they could conserve as much energy as possible. The fight was vicious and brutal and none of you came out of it unscathed. You knew Loki had to go all out and had a feeling Thor was going to close to full out if he wasn’t going full-out too. You were close, but not quite, not to the levels of desperation of the trials.

    You stumbled once too many, exhausted after hours upon hours of fighting them straight, and would have collapsed into Thor if he hadn’t caught you. “Well done, Lady Valkyrie,” he told you warmly as he settled you back on your feet. Loki came up and wrapped an arm around you. You were all panting and exhausted, bruised and sore. You had a feeling that the boys wouldn’t have been able to last much long either, and were glad to have an excuse to stop you from beating the snot out of them.

    You smiled up at Thor. “Thanks, Thunderhead,” you leaned up to kiss his cheek. “And thank you, love. You were right,” you kissed Loki, who gladly kissed you back though were were all sweaty and gross. “Thanks, boys, that was what I needed,” you linked arms with them feeling much better after fighting out your emotions, to head out of the training room and stopped short when you saw the entire rest of the team sitting outside of the window wall in lawn chairs with popcorn. Thor unlinked his arm from yours and opened the training room door. The second he did, the rest of the team stood and burst into applause.

    Teasing assholes.

    “You guys just fought for five hours straight,” Clint told you all, impressed.

    “Jarvis let us know what something interesting was going on down here,” Tony added excited and in awe.

    “Do not doubt the skills of our Valkyrie,” Thor told them jovially and draped his big sweaty arm across your shoulders.

    “Get off, oaf, you’re covered in sweat and gross,” you teased, though you were equally sweaty, gross, and exhausted. You’d fought for five hours straight and your boys had kept up with you.

    “And you’re cold,” he teased right back. You smirked and looked over at him before you carefully blew frost in his face. “Blargh!” he laughed, jovial at your teasing.

    “Seriously. Five. Hours. Straight. That’s insane!” Clint was still going on about the fight.

    “That was pretty impressive, especially against two Asgardians,” Nat added, looking at you.

    You shrugged. “I’m Asgardian too, and at least as trained of a warrior as these two loons.” That was just modesty and the boys knew it.

    “Love, you can kick my ass in a fair fight. The only reason we stood against you was that you were letting us and we were working together,” Loki reminded you. “Now come get cleaned up before we start smelling like the oaf,” he teased Thor, who just shrugged, used to Loki’s teasings.

    “Kyrie, please come to the feast tomorrow. I know you don’t care about the holiday, but can you not enjoy sharing a meal with your family?” Thor asked.

    You sighed. “Fine, oaf, but if Shellhead puts up any puritan decorations, I will burn them down,”

    “Fair enough,” Stark replied and started giving orders to Jarvis and Pepper about the decorations. That settled, you took Loki’s hand and teleported the two of you upstairs so you could shower and so you could tuck your Loki into bed. He was more exhausted after a five hour long battle than he wanted to admit. So you tucked him into bed and curled up with him to make sure he stayed there.

    *

    The dinner the next day wasn’t awful. There were a lot more people than you’d been expecting. Apparently Tony had invited all of the SHIELD agents who had no homes for Thanksgiving, as well as anyone who worked at Stark Industires with nowhere to go, friends, family, all of the misfits he or any of the team had come across ended up here. Doctor Strange and his friends from the sanctum were here too.

    Since there were so many people, you sat between Loki and Thor; you didn’t trust the public not to touch you, even though you were wearing a thick adorable sweater. Tony had kept his word and removed every image of a puritan from the room, instead leaving turkey and food decorations. You still weren’t happy about the holiday, but sharing a feast with the team was fun.

    *

    The next day you introduced the boys to Black Friday. You got them up super early and dressed in your battle armor. “Why are we doing this?” Loki groaned as he and Thor donned armor too. “And why do we need to be armed?”

    “The mortals are stupid on Black Friday,” you reminded him. “But the sale prices are stupidly good and I have a bunch of people to buy Christmas presents for this year. Nat, are you ready?” you called. Nat settled her batons into place.

    “Is this the crew?” she asked.

    You nodded. “No one else wanted to join our fun,” you told her.

    “At least you brought the boys to carry our bags,” she teased. Thor and Loki both huffed and the adventure began. Nat drove you to the mall in one of the SHIELD SUVs.

    “Why are there so many mortals here today?” Thor demanded. “The hour is too early for this,”

    “It is an epic battle for awesome sales in the market,” you reminded him. “Everyone is doing their Christmas shopping today because the sales are so good. You all piled out of the SUV and strode in your intimidating group to the mall. The crowds got out of your way when the realized that you were the real Avengers and not just people in costume. You got all of your shopping done in record time. There was only one disagreement when some lady tried to take something out of Nat’s hands. Thor stepped forward and his hand was around the lady’s wrists.

    “Unhand the item, lady,” he warned her. Thor was nicer than any of the rest of you. Loki hated the crowds and looked ready to stab someone. Or all of the mortals in his vicinity. His intimidating glare kept most of them away, which is why you brought him on this adventure. Thor was huge and kept most people away due to sheer size.

    Nat got her item back from the lady and you completed your purchases in that store. You linked your arm with Nat’s carefully and the two of you continued on your way with the boys following, pretending they were the bodyguards for once.

    That evening the entire team worked together to put up the Christmas tree in the living room. You all worked to decorate it, though you had to explain the tree to the boys. When it was done and Tony had put the star on top, you sat around the living room watching Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate.

    *

    “Loki! It’s snowing!” you woke Loki stupidly early one morning. He looked out the window excitedly. You grabbed his hand and teleported the two of you up to the launching pad. He giggled in delight at the inches of snow already covering the launch pad. “Welcome to our beach,” you teased. While Thor and his friends preferred their sunny, hot beach, playing in the sand, you and Loki would have your own beach at 3am in the snow. He laughed and used magic to change into swim trunks. You giggled at how silly your love was, and then proceeded to change into your bikini. You played in the snow like children, not caring when your forms turned to Jotun. You worked together to keep the snow falling on your roof and spent an enjoyable predawn morning building snowmen and decorating them to look like your team members. You also built a snow-castle and were in the middle of a huge snowball fight when Thor burst out onto the roof.

    “Jarvis said you were up here and was concerned over your behavior. What are you two children up to?” he demanded, grumpy at being woken at stupid o’clock in the morning. You both whirled and threw snow in Thor’s face at the exact same moment. Thor just sighed when the snow slid down his face to land on the ground. “I should have expected that…” he grumbled. You laughed and threw more snow at him.

    “This is our beach, Thor. You and your idiot friends had your beach day. This is ours,” you told him and fell backwards into the snow, relishing in the cold and the light of the moon above you.

    “And you had to do that in your underwear?” Thor asked as he bent to scoop up snow to chuck at his brother.

    “Swimwear, Brother,” Loki replied. “You are hopeless with fashion as ever,” he teased and threw yet more snow at Thor.

    “Are we being attacked?” Tony asked from inside an Iron Man suit as he flew up to the roof. You grabbed a ball of snow and threw it at Stark. He shot a repulsor beam at you and you dove out of the way.

    “Oi! Shellhead, repulsors aren’t fair in a snowball fight!” you yelled at him and pelted him with more snow as you rolled to your feet. Loki turned from his battle with Thor to help you against he more dangerous adversary.

    “What are you two snowmen doing out here? At 5 in the morning?” Stark demanded as he landed.

    “We were enjoying our beach day,” you grumbled at him. “We built snowmen and a snow castle, and were having an epic snowball fight when you and Thunderhead interrupted,”

    Somehow instead of that ending the snowball fight, the rest of the team came out in their winter gear and joined in the snow war.

    “Ice magic is no fair!” Clint protested when you defended Loki with a wall of ice. “Damn Jotuns,” he grumbled, even as Thor went running through your thin wall of ice. He was met with a face full of snowballs from you and Loki.

    The team was all drenched and shivering when they decided to go back inside. Thor realized that you and Loki weren’t going to come with him, intending on enjoying your snowday. He sighed, grumbled about idiot winter children, and tossed you both over his shoulders to carry you back inside.

    “We’re fine, Thor!” you protested.

    “You’re mostly naked outside and blue. That’s not fine,” Thor grumbled. He wouldn’t put you down until he dropped you both on your couch and wrapped you in blankets. Nat passed you mugs of hot chocolate.

    “It’s not weird when we’re blue, Thunderhead,” you reminded Thor grumpily, but sat under your blanket and sipped on your hot chocolate, your form slowly shimmering back to Asgardian. You and Loki were both laughing, though, cheeks still flushed from your excitement on the roof and your silly enjoyable morning.

    “You two are going to be the death of me,” Thor said mournfully.

    You and Loki just laughed harder. “He’s been saying that since we were three. It’s beginning to lose its effect,” Loki commented.

    “It was at that time the troublesome children became properly mobile and started terrorizing everyone,” Thor explained to the others while you and Loki stuck your tongues out at him.

    “We have stories about you too, Thor,” you reminded him before he got started. He called your bluff.

    “Like how that one,” he gestured to Loki. “Escaped his nannies one day and ran through the halls of the palace while foreign dignitaries were visiting so he could find his mama. He was all of five and naked as the day he was born.” The team roared in laughter at that mental image, while Loki glared and turned red at that reminder. The dignitaries had been amused and Frigga had blown the whole thing off as an incident of ‘children, what are you going to do with them?’

    “What about you and Lady Sif deciding that Odin’s throne was a private place to have sex?” you countered with a glare. You didn’t care for Thor embarrassing Loki. “And your Father found you and Lady Sif naked as the day you were born when you were a hundred and should have known better, on his throne, with foreign dignitaries with him,”

    “And your brother and his Valkyrie-in-training found you like that too,” Loki added dryly. You had accompanied him that day even though you hadn’t been an official Valkyrie yet. Everyone had known you would be assigned to Loki when you passed the trials, so you went with him to official functions even before you’d been official. Odin wanted you and Loki there that day for show, especially since Thor was missing. “That is unfortunately an image that is never leaving my brain.” Loki added with a growl.

    “Or mine,” you agreed sourly. Not that you hadn’t seen Thor naked plenty of times. You went swimming in your skins plenty over the summers when you were kids and didn’t know any better. That didn’t mean you wanted to see a grown naked Thor having sex on his father’s throne.

    “I was in trouble for ages over that…” Thor grumbled, remembering. The team was laughing at that too. He glared at you for bringing it up. “What about you running through the halls of the palace in nothing but your skin and the daggers in your hands?” Thor tried.

    You rolled your eyes. “Not embarrassing,” you reminded him, while the team laughed at that image anyway. “A dumb-ass assassin broke into Loki’s suite to assassinate the princeling. I was taking a bath in his tub after combat lessons since his bath water had been drawn and mine hadn’t yet, and he was reading in his sittingroom.” You shrugged, it hadn’t been uncommon to be constantly in the others’ rooms. “We were… twenty or so, looked to be maybe twelve or thirteen by Midgardian standards. The assassin broke in through the balcony and when he realized that he had an angry Valkyrie-in-training to deal with too, ran through the halls of the palace to escape. It didn’t matter that we were only twenty, it was no longer an easy assassination once a second trained warrior was in on the defense. Naturally, I had to go after the assassin so he couldn’t try again. I caught up to him and took him down right outside of the open throne room doors, in full sight of the court and all of our parents, stark-ass nude. The guards secured him, I summoned some clothes, and had to present myself in front of the king and explain my actions, which was terrifying, as Odin is really scary, especially when I thought I’d be in trouble for running through the palace halls nude and taking down an assassin on my own when I wasn’t fully qualified yet. But, once I told him that the moron tried to assassinate his son and I went straight from my bath to stop it, I was congratulated and they told me they were proud of me and would make a fine Valkyrie someday. For some reason no one cared that I’d been naked when they realized I’d saved Loki’s life,” you shrugged.

    “Yeah, that’s not embarrassing,” Nat added. “I’ve killed people naked before. Both when I was naked and they were naked and sometimes not at the same time,” she shrugged. You smirked over at her and the rest of the team started telling embarrassing stories about the others as well. It was a fun silly way to spend the morning.

[theliterateape]

Black Friday is Way Scarier Than Halloween

By J. L. Thurston

The Holiday Season approacheth! And what does that mean? Shopping!

Yes, we all like to pretend that we aren’t like the materialistic hoard, those coyotes that pack the stores, brutish cave-dwellers with zero tolerance for others near them. Yes, we say we live above all that nonsense, and maybe you are one of the few who strictly shop online and avoid all human interaction for your holiday shopping to protect everyone’s sanity (everyone except the UPS guy and your mail carrier). But we all at least know those people who don’t feel like it’s the holidays until they’ve put too much in their carts, get angry when unable to find the exact right thing, and spend far too much time than they want to in lines. Ho! Ho! Ho!

When asked about the upcoming holiday, I get all tingly thinking about the roasted turkey, the creamy mashed potatoes, the gravy, the yams! But that’s not what others think about, anymore. They stuff themselves at noon and put their boots on and are waiting in stores for the Black Friday sales before their turkey has even reached their small intestine. Oh, but what about family time? Well, hell, bring the kids, send them out on their own little mission to find that marked-down item in the catalog! Don’t forget to put them in helmets and full body armor, the crowds get pretty rough.

Back in the day, I was hired by Walmart. I worked in a smaller store while a Super Center was being built in the empty field behind it. Three weeks into my job as an electronics associate, I had to work my very first Black Friday. I will admit, I was actually kind of excited. I had never experienced the occasion before. What can I say? I was 19. Now, this was back in the day when Black Friday was actually held on Friday. For stores that weren’t 24-hours, the doors would be unlocked at the crack of dawn. There was a kind of holiday thrill in the air, I thought, with a completely full parking lot and crowds pressed chest-to-back at the door. I was new, so I tried to get in the normal way near the front entrance, only to be sworn at by furious customers who thought that if I could be let in, they should be let in, too. Fortunately for me, an experienced associate discovered me and took me to the back. It was a preview of the day to come.

We had stations. Some of us were to maintain the special item displays, most of us were to work the registers, and some of us were to help direct the flow of shoppers in an orderly fashion. That last one was my job. Again, I was nineteen, barely a buck-twenty and about as authoritative as a glass of milk.

When they opened those doors… I actually heard Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana– O Fortuna. People ran forth like the hounds of hell. Immediately, I was being shouted at from all directions. I was speechless, pressed to an endcap with my mouth agape. I remember the angry contorted faces of grown men and women as they shrieked at me. A man said to me, “Fuck you!” and I was also called a "useless bitch" more than once. People actually felt it was perfectly OK to grab my arm and yank me toward them in order to get my attention. They wanted me to tell them where certain items were. I was completely useless the rest of the day.

I felt shell-shocked, like all I needed was a loud bang for me to be thrown into a PTSD panic. I was forever changed after that Black Friday. Dramatic? Sure, but if you’ve ever Black Friday shopped, you know I’m not really exaggerating much.

What have we become? As people, I mean. I gave four years to Walmart, and I worked every weekend and every holiday (except Christmas, but that’s only because Walmart is closed for Christmas). I worked every Black Friday, and every year got worse and worse. Especially with the Super Center opening up and the doors never closing. People were then free to wander around before the Black Friday hours and be rude to employees before showtime.

Yes, Walmart employees generally suck. They’re tired, they’re annoyed, they are not helpful. But you’re currently shopping at Walmart, people, how much help can you need? Customers think up all sorts of questions, and they like to create a lot of problems, too. For example, one day I was called to go over and help a customer with some fabric. It’s easy for an employee to do—just measure, cut and tag—as long as the customer doesn’t mind asking an associate for help. Apparently, this (former employee) customer was enraged she had to wait for me to go from electronics to fabrics and as soon as I rounded the corner, I shit you not, she snarled in my face, “Fuck you!” Then proceeded to call the Walmart hotline to file a formal complaint about me (which does absolutely nothing, I guarantee) as I cut and tagged her fabric.

So, the next time you get annoyed because an associate rolls their eyes because you can’t find a router the store doesn’t carry, maybe remember that we’re all human and the internet exists (for Amazon, I mean).

To complete the holiday cheer from my years in retail hell, I played the good employee and gave my store manager a month notice before I quit. I worked the holiday season, my last day being December 31st. On my very last day, I approached my store manager to ask if there was any paperwork involved. I’ll never forget the blank look on his face. He said, “What do you mean, ‘paperwork?'” He was completely shocked that I was quitting and stated he didn’t remember me sitting down with him to explain I was quitting to enter healthcare. Well, thanks, boss. Glad to be important around here.

Before I sign off on my Black Friday reminiscing, I’d like to leave you with a bit of shopping advice from a former Walmart associate. • Don’t shop on Black Friday. Especially now that it starts on Thanksgiving Day. Family time is not as common as it should be; cherish it. Stroll into the store late, because the special prices are good for the items as long as the items are in store. Also, lots of people return buckets of crap the next day because they just went crazy and bought too much. When I worked there, I’d fish through the returns bins and do my Christmas shopping in five minutes flat.

• My next piece of advice is always hard for people to swallow, but it’s 100 percent true and will steer you in a good direction: Sales aren’t always sales and markdowns are made to fool you. Just because something has a red tag, does not mean it’s on sale. It means that Walmart is not going to carry that item in the near future. It could be a seasonal change and it will come back. Most of the time, the was and now pricing on those tags are misleading. The was part of the price tag could mean the price of the item five years ago. A camera that now costs 200 dollars is marked "Was $400" because it was that much when it was the newest in technology half a decade ago.

So, happy shopping, I mean, Happy Holidays! Keep the season in your heart, and save the holidays for loved ones and alcohol.