#also fuckin. executive dysfunction. that's some shit isn't it

[mossy-rot]

reading about autistic meltdowns is crazy. in retrospect maybe that time i ended up sobbing self isolating and lashing out at people because I couldn't figure out how to set up my laptop the same way it had been before might've been because of The Autism

[jesusology]

Elaborate on ADHD Connor tho…… (if u want) I am so interested

i love to talk about connor so ABSOLUTELY!! i hope i can articulate my thoughts well enough but here we go <3

looking at Alan Ruck's interview and the things he's said about Connor, it gives a bit more insight into his character kinda... Connor realizes he isn't cut out for the business world, then he tries art school and he realizes that isn't anything he's got the ability in either. i can relate a bit to this because i was absolutely waffling when i was trying to decide on a degree and then ended up getting a degree in a subject that i no longer even have much interest in (sadly). i was like OH YEAH this sounds good!! then i’d find it boring. rinse and repeat. the struggle never ends

i'm sure that's not just an ADHD thing of course but i do feel like a lot of people with ADHD can relate a lot the message of the story is? don't feel pressured to go to college and get in a ton of student debt kids. don’t be like me

and here's where Connor is described as having ADHD and how it wasn't addressed at all and pretty much just swept under the rug. SO YEAH i'd definitely say Connor didn't get any sort of help at all and it probably just made him look scatterbrained and stupid to the family. crying screaming shitting. executive dysfunction is a bitch

Connor does seem like he has a short attention span - especially for non-preferred tasks. impulsivity can be seen in various things he's done, such as spending tons of money on projects/items without really thinking these things through properly and kind of just going with the flow in the moment. fidgeting and restlessness by messing with his glass a lot in S2E5 and the knife in S3E9. depicts frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation. inability to control frustration with the cold butter, room being lopsided, and posters (S3E7).

i’d probably need to go through each scene with him to really dissect this but i’ll admit that a lot of my reasoning on this is also just because of myself having ADHD and relating it to Connor a lot.... i have no shame. on this same note, i absolutely think Roman also has ADHD and someone on here made a really sweet post about Connor recognizing this in Roman (them being similar in that regard) and sort of helping Roman out because Connor never got that helping-hand/support. if i can find the post i’ll reblog it but yeah i liked it. Roman absolutely has ADHD too noooo fuckin doubt about it

anyway if anyone else wants to lend some more to this and give their insight i’m always more than happy to listen! 

[trashcat-hiss]

I'm 38, misdiagnosed with adjacent things for decades:

MDD - about age 10, when therapy was court mandated for me

BP-II, BP-I - got these during different hospitalizations in my mid 20s.

BPD + ADHD - age 27, these are the official Dxes I have that fit the best, but the pdoc who assigned the labels (and was amazing) died before session 2. My executive dysfunction is the most detrimental thing in my life, followed by trauma reactions, so these labels felt right for a long time.

I did a BA in psych and almost finished an MEd in Counseling (a story for a different time), and worked in the MH field a few years. It reinforced the stereotypes of autism so I didn't suspect I had it.

Paid my own way to get DBT for the BPD, but it started occurring to me that the interpersonal relationships part and all the social scripts were helpful in a way that was different than I expected. I no longer meet enough criteria for BPD, btw, but the label is the closest thing we've got to CPTSD right now. BPD is a surprisingly common misdiagnosis for autism, I would later discover. (I won't rant here about the blatant sexism in MH systems).

I was struggling really hard at work, no matter the job, from age 16 to like 35. I was hospitalized for "emotional breakdowns" a few times. I was so long-term stressed that it was permanently physically disabling. During the final decline from being mostly physically abled to no longer being able to hold a job, I began connecting to different disability communities to find new coping skills. Discovered the actuallyautistic tag from ADHD crossposts. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I'd spent my adult life trying to figure out (and attempted two degrees in) what was wrong with me, and all the answers I'd been given so far were missing something... and these stories (usually from people socialized as female and late Dxed, or even other self-Dx)... some of the thoughts and feelings I'd lived with my whole life, isolated in them... I'm not the only one!

Researched. Researched more. Kept researching. Reflected a lot on childhood memories and dang did things start making sense when viewed through a lens of autism.

All of the things I experience can pretty well be summed up by Autism/ADHD + CPTSD.

Before pain and fatigue ruled my life, I could mask really well in the short term, so I get why nobody really caught it. Mental health became my SpIn from like age 19 onward, though I'm trying to let it go and pick up SpIns that are healthier for me.

I spent all of my MH career working in community services, watching how awful the system is. Even when I could afford private practice therapy, MH workers don't know shit about autism. I'm not surprised I, and multitudes of others, don't have a Dx. I've tried to gain access, but without at least $1500 USD aaaand a parent who isn't abusive to speak about my childhood, a Dx is completely out of reach. I haven't found anyone who would consider an interview without a parent. Also, fighting the stigma of that BPD Dx is truly difficult. Many MH workers see it and immediately think "manipulator". I've been called that to my face (during the last time I went inpatient for what, on reflection, was always autistic burnout). If they're not afraid of the Dx, they can still use it as a barrier. No one wants to bother picking apart what might be ND stuff and what might be trauma reaction--even though trauma is a huge thing in the autistic community. A huge amount of my trauma is directly caused by me being autistic (school + work bullying), but it's apparently too much work.

I find that many people like me are trapped in similar ways, living with the wrong Dx, taking medication that is more harmful than good for their actual symptoms (I'm not antimed, I'm anti lazy fuckin psychiatrist), unable to access tools that would actually help. It's why I believe people when they self Dx. Even if they learn later that this label might not be what fits, if they're in this community to try and improve their lives by learning new skills and adaptations, who does that hurt? The mud they might add to the metaphorical water, if they're mistaken, is minimal. With all the privileges my intelligence and education provide, if I can't get a Dx... who else is being left behind? Generally the actuallyautistic community knows these things, and understand the necessity of a self-Dx, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Allowing myself to unlearn masking... like, I'm crying rn. I don't spend every day in suicidal ideation like I did when I was forcing myself to work. My life looks really different now. Letting myself have accomodations has changed everything. Knowing I'm not alone has changed everything.

I hope you can get a Dx if you are seeking one, but you're the same person with or without that label. Anyone who can give a Dx is a human being with finite knowledge and they may not know enough about all the ways autism can look. The system is fallible. But you are still you, living with the joys and challenges you have, every day before and after that battery of tests and interviews.

Can you recommend any older ND bloggers, or those who got their dx later in life (30+)? I reached my 40s before realizing neurodiversity was a potential factor (that when plugged into the past made a lot of things make a lot of sense.) But, there's also clinical depression and childhood PTSD, and as the docs say- there's a lot of overlap in those symptoms. Would older NDs provide more culturally relevant perspectives that I should hear before self-dxing (EG reluctance to dx older adults, etc)?

The first autistic blogger I can think of fitting this criteria is definitely @butterflyinthewell. She’s 40, if I’m not mistaken, and, from my point of view, she’s one of the best representants of the actuallyautistic community on Tumblr (one of the very first blogs I subscribed to, actually). Definitely go check it out if you wish you to do so.

I can also recommend you @adultingautistic, they are 38 and their blog is definitely worth the look. 

I’m not sure of how old the owner of the blog @autisticeducator is, but you could give it a look as well c:.

Honestly, I don’t know too many blogs held by older ND bloggers, mostly because a lot of the blogs I’m aware of are either held by people in their twenties or close to thirty, or they don’t specify their age and I don’t want to assume.