#also did u catch the mini darla mention? sry not sry. i am contractually obligated to include her in some way.

[introspectivememories]

"why aren't you asking me anything?" he asks, his throat aches uncomfortably. "just ask i know you have questions."

his zio and zia exchange glances that he can't decipher. he wishes they'd just say what they want to say. just spit it out he wants to scream. be more like mom and dad. say it, no matter how much it guts me, just say it. split me open with your words, carve my chest open, finish what the high priest didn't get a chance to.

"are you in pain?" his zia asks instead.

he feels a little wrongfooted now. they were supposed to ask what he did to get hurt so badly. he was supposed to horrify them with tales of how he fucked himself over. how he ruined himself for nothing. he was supposed to let their hurt break him.

"what?" he asks dumbly.

"are you in pain, bernardo?" his zia asks again, moving the flower vase out of the way so she can pin him with a steady look, "does it hurt?"

he laughs. does it hurt? what does he even say to that? it's been hurting since he was 16. since she-. does it hurt? is she worried? everything on him is something he's done to himself.

when he was younger, his zio used to like to tell stories about his scars. here, he'd say, this is where i got hurt fighting the fascists. and this, he'd point to his shoulder laughing, is from the time your zia's dad shot at me when i came around to ask for her hand.

here, he wants to say dragging his zia and zio's hand over the wound on his chest, is where they dug the knife into me. here, he'll say letting them trace over the scars on his wrist, is where it hurt too much when i was 16. this, with a hand reaching back to the sitched up mess on his back, is where i let the pain consume me. this is where i fell, where i begged for more, where i let them rewire me, remake me.

"bernardo," he's brought back to the present by his zia’s sharp voice, "you got lost. answer the question, does it hurt? are you in pain?"

his zia's voice cracks on pain, like it hurts her, and something in him breaks. he's so tired of hurting other people, of pushing them until they're broken and exhausted. he thinks back to when he last saw his friends. the weary set of their shoulders at the airport. the way jam's mouth seemed to be perpetually set into a frown. how he couldn't remember a time when chinna's eyes weren't rimmed red. when dijah didn't look at him like he was another opponent. how mori's voice had seemed hoarse from all the screaming he did in the ambulance as he begged bernard to stay with them.

how long had he been making them pick up his broken pieces? how long had they been cutting themselves on the shards of his pain? he remembers their faces as he stood at the gate, getting ready to board the plane, exhausted and broken. in the end, chinna, their tenderhearted youngest, was the only one say something.

"chetta," she said tears streaming down her face, "when you find what you're looking for over there, give us a call okay? and even if you don't find it, give us a call."

he had noddled once or twice, he doesn't remember properly, too drugged up on the mandatory pain drugs the hospital put him on before he checked out.

"bernardo, you keep getting lost." his zio says, quietly.

understatement of the year, he thinks.

"i'm sorry, zio," he says, throat tight with tears, "i don't think i know how to be found anymore."

his zio hums softly, "that's okay, piccolino. how about you just answer our questions first: does it hurt? are you in pain?"

his eyes fill over with unshed tears, "yeah zio, it does hurt. it hurts so much, zio!"

his zio's lips turn downward and his hand reaches out to brush away bernard's hair away from his forehead, "oh bernardo," he sighs sadly, "it will be okay. you will be okay piccolino."

bernard slumps into his zio's arms, "it hasn't been okay since i was 16 zio, how will it be okay now?"

his zia rises and walks around the table to kneel down next to him. one hand comes up to grip his wrist and the other starts to stroke featherlight touches up and down his back.

"it will be okay because i say so, and maybe you've been gone from here for too long if you think you can beat your zia maria in a battle of wills."

bernard snorts out a wet laugh.

"and," zio says, "you will be okay because you will learn how to heal here. one day at a time. you have all the time in the world."

zia maria points out the window to where he can see the ocean lapping at the shoreline, "look bernardo, the sea always returns."

the hand around his wrist tightens, "like that," she says staring into his eyes, steady as can be, "you too, will return. you will return."

bernard turns his head away to stare back at the sea and tries to believe the words his zia says.