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shsl-shipper-gamer-fangirl · 7 years ago

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Saihara Loses His Ahoge and Everyone Loses Their Shit

Waking up to a mystery has never been a good morning for Saihara.

When he woke up on that particular day, it had been innocuous at first. He did his usual morning routine of getting ready. It's only when he sees himself in the mirror that he notices the difference. He patted the top of his head. Smooth. That's strange... While he wasn't particularly fond of the ahoge, he doesn't remember ever getting it cut. It's just supposed to be there. Always sticking out. No gel or wax could hold it down. Only his hat was able to tame it but he doesn't wear that anymore.

He's already let go of the hat. What's the harm in losing the ahoge too?

"Um... Who are you?"

Apparently more damaging than he originally thought.

Huh? Huuuuuhh???

"Who the hell brought this normie over here?" Iruma greeted him with an insult. Well, it was pretty tame coming from her. "Oh, I get it! You're one of my fanboys! Sorry to bust your nuts but you ain't touching these glorious tits of mine!"

Never mind. Iruma not recognizing him isn't a huge loss anyways.

"Oh, who is this? A new friend?" Gonta waved at him. "Hello there new friend! Do not be afraid, we are good people!"

Such a good friend he was indeed. What did the world do to deserve Gonta?

"Hold up. I wouldn't start getting cozy with the new guy just yet." Hoshi warned. "It's only ever been us sixteen here. Sorry for being paranoid but getting a new classmate out of nowhere is pretty suspicious. The kid's gotta introduce himself first."

Even though they're basically the same age, Saihara will admit any day that Hoshi holds some form of seniority over him.

"He's been quiet though. Hmm, could it be?" Amami stared at him with an unreadable expression. "You have troubles with memory too?"

No, not memory. He's just utterly speechless at how everyone is treating him all because he doesn't have one lock of hair sticking out.

"Perhaps our guest does not feel welcome enough." Tojo proceeds to correct this situation by pouring him a cup of tea. It's exactly his favorite. "I hope that this is up to your tastes. Please, make yourself comfortable. We only wish to know more about you."

He tries not to cry into his cup of tea. He just wishes to know how his friends see him. Just the ahoge? Guys, his eyes are down here.

"Be careful! He's still a menace!" Tenko was already in a fighting position. "I do not know who you are but I do know that you are a degenerate male! And Tenko will not let you and your impure intentions get to the girls! If you try anything, I will break you!"

He just wants his identity back, please don't break him. He breaks easily.

"Too loud..." Yumeno yawned and then slumped in her seat. "Hey, you being here is a pain so could you get out?"

It's not like he wanted this commotion either. He just went here to have breakfast and he honestly feels so attacked right now.

"No non! Don't go yet. Angie senses a divine aura from you!" Angie clasped her hands in prayer. "It's A-OKAY! If you're feeling lost, come to Atua and he will guide you."

He's not even surprised that he's already getting recruited upon supposedly their first meeting.

"And so adds another person to the number of people I will be observing." Shinguji chuckled lightly while covering is already masked mouth. "Ah, I wonder what kind of human you'd reveal yourself to be, kukuku..."

Okay? Sometimes he really wonders if Shinguji's okay.

"Oh, no. This is a problem." Shirogane settled her chin on her hand, contemplating. "We can't have two plain characters. That's just plain redundant."

Well he knows he doesn't have the most... unique face. But still, the way she says it makes it sound like an actual problem.

"I have checked my database of people whom I've previously met and you did not match with any of the IDs." Kiibo crossed his arms. "Please let us know who you are so I can update my records."

Not to sound robophobic but Saihara expected for at least Kiibo to recognize him. If even the robot's program couldn't identify him then this just confirms his fear that this was beyond his control.

"Hey, buddy you've been quiet. You okay?" Momota smiled reassuringly. "Don't freak out in front of us now. Relax, man. We're a loud bunch but I promise that we won't hurt you."

It's really hard not to freak out when you realize that your whole identity is centered around your ahoge.

"Answer if someone talks to you." Harukawa glared at him. "...Do you want to die?"

Whatever happened to that promise that they wouldn't hurt him?

"Guys, you're freaking the new guy out." Akamatsu "Still, it is kind of weird that you're only showing up now. Oh, it's not like I'm suspicious of you or anything! It's just... weird. Hmm, if only Saihara was here. He probably would have some theories."

But he's right here? Literally guys you don't have to look so hard.

"Has anyone seen him? He's never usually late for breakfast."

"Oh, pick me! Pick me! I toooootally saw him this morning!" Ouma "Hey! Look, it's Saihara-chan!"

Everyone turned their heads away from him and towards where he pointed at. Everyone except Saihara himself.

That's why Saihara saw. He saw Ouma take out Saihara's hat (he had been wondering where that went) and he saw... an ahoge on top of it. He saw Ouma wear it. He also saw Ouma smirk at him.

Ouuuuumaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

"Where? I don't see him at all."

"Hey guys! It's me! Totally Saihara-chan" Ouma declared oh so innocently despite his smile being anything but. He didn't even bother changing his voice. Or anything else for that matter. He's just wearing a hat with an ahoge ridiculously glued on top.

He can't possibly think he could pull this off.

"Oh, hey Saihara! Where were you, man?" Momota warmly greeted him.

Okay... But to be fair, Momota isn't the... sharpest so...

"Geez, you had us worry for a bit there. What took you so long?" Akamatsu pouted at him.

Not Akamatsu too?? Shit. This was happening.

"There is something... different about you today, Saihara." Kiibo pondered. "Oh but you match perfectly with my identification scanner so it just might be a slight bug."

How can Ouma wearing a dumb hat with ahoge match Saihara's profile? Is he just an ahoge in his ID?!

"It must be the clothes. I mean it's plain to see that this is Saihara since his signature ahoge is there." Shirogane proudly presented.

So he's really just an ahoge in their eyes. That's... kinda sad okay.

"Nishishi!" Oh, come on! Ouma's even doing his trademark laugh and no one's going to point out that inconsistency? Seriously? No one? "I thought I'd try a new look today! Since I'm always wearing emo clothes, I thought I'd spice things up a bit!"

Okay full offense taken. His clothes are black not emo. It's just a coincidence that it's a common color for emos. Hey, black is a general color, okay? He is not emo.

"It looks suspiciously like Ouma's." Harukawa pointed out. "You have poor taste."

That's all she's going to take away from that? His fashion sense?

"Well I happen to think that Ouma has ridculously good tastes! Supreme leader tastes! Godlike even!"

Please, won't anyone at least point out that Saihara will never in his lifetime praise Ouma.

"Angie doesn't know about that last part. Atua says that Ouma's tastes are just so so." Angie commented.

Again, focusing on the wrong specifics here.

"Ah, but one can argue that since Ouma's talent is being a supreme leader then does it not mean that technically he does possess supreme leader tastes? I admit that it's a mere technicality but it fits logic." Shinguji argued.

Hey so, Saihara isn't the most egocentric person there and he doesn't even like attention but can they get back to him? It's bad enough that they think a barely disguised Ouma is him but to get set aside in conversation too? Just when Saihara thought things couldn't get any sadder, it does.

"Does it really matter? They're both menaces! Changing one's clothes does not change the evil within." Tenko sneered.

He's desperate. He will take any insult as long as it changes the topic.

"Whatever. Can we eat already?" Yumeno huffed in annoyance.

Not really contributing to the conversation but at least it's not about Ouma. His standards have hit an all time low.

"Yes, I will get the food served shortly." Tojo politely bowed. "However, it would seem that Ouma is the one missing now."

Aaaaand we're back to talking about Ouma. The same Ouma who's masquerading in a discount costume of Saihara. The one and only Ouma who's snickering right now.

"Who gives a shit about Cockichi?! If the cock sucker wants to miss out on good food then it's his loss!" Iruma ranted.

While she does make a good point, Saihara hoped that someone would have at least noticed that Ouma only disappeared as soon as "Saihara" appeared. But he knew better now than to hope.

"Oh, no! But what if he starves? Gonta don't want friend hungry." Gonta said with genuine concern.

If Ouma really was a friend then he wouldn't be making Saihara suffer like this.

"Eh, he'll live. If he gets hungry, he knows where the food is." Hoshi shrugged. "Just let him run around as much as he want so we can have some peace here for once."

Except the only flaw in that plan is that Ouma is HERE. He's literally right here. Seriously, is it a detective thing that only Saihara is noticing all these discrepancies?

"That's right. Ignore poor Ouma and let him die a dog's death! Nobody likes him anyways! He's the worst!"

Well he's not wrong... But how can he say that so easily about himself??

"Wait. Something's been bothering me." Amami, who Saihara only noticed to be quiet all this time, suddenly spoke up. He wore the most serious expression ever seen on his face. He walked up to Ouma and placed his hand on the hat. It stayed there, gripped ever so tightly.

Could it be...?

"There." Amami said after twisting the cap just a few degrees. He was back to smiling as if a weight off his chest had been lifted. "I apologize for the glaring. It was crooked and I was debating on letting it be but as you can see I just couldn't stop myself, ahaha."

"Awww, it's okay! Thank you, Amami-chan!" Ouma blew him a flying kiss.

At this point, Saihara would have gladly welcomed death.

"Oh, by the way. I almost forgot!" Ouma suddenly turned to Saihara. Oh no. He's wearing that smile. The smile that never leads up to anything good. That shit-eating grin. Ouma is wearing it at full blast.

Saihara should have run when he had the chance.

"I have a theory on the new guy! He's obviously the mastermind because I said so. Listen. I'm a detective so I know what I'm doing. So let's all gang up on him, okay? Let's go, team!"

...

Fuck.

It was at that moment that Saihara knew he was fucked up.

"Oi, is that true? You think we got ourselves the mastermind, bro?"

"Hmm, Saihara said it so it can't be a lie."

"Let's kill that asshole! I'll fucking cut his dick into pieces!"

"Tenko too will destroy this menace!"

"Please, guys we're more civilized than that."

"Ahaha, let's listen to our leader. Maybe there's still room for negotiations."

"Nyeh, sounds like more work. Can't we just finish him off?"

"...I can kill him quickly but it wouldn't be as satisfying."

"Don't kill him off just yet. We still need information from him."

"It is not a request I haven't heard of... I believe I may be of assistance."

"If you require rope then I would gladly volunteer in tying our culprit up. I have learned of methods where it brings more pain than it does pleasure."

"Oh Gonta does not want to hurt anyone. But Gonta does not like it if this person has hurt friends."

"Well Atua says that this calls for a divine retribution nyahaha!"

"What a plot twist! A mastermind reveal during a filler episode!"

FUCK!

He didn't have to be detective to know that he wasn't going to survive if he stayed there any longer. So he bolted and ran far enough to lock himself in his room. Just outside he could hear his classmates rioting. He knew they weren't allowed to break the door and it seemed that they remembered that rule. He just wishes that Ouma would conveniently forget that he could lockpick doors. Speaking of which, he could hear his distinct laughter bouncing just outside. Atua, if you're out there please spare him.

Saihara already lost his ahoge and consequentially, his identity. He wasn't ready to lose his life too.

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