#also cause of the surgeries i cant drive lol

[butchyena]

my gf is going out of country for a week and last year it was fine cause i work 10.5 hour shifts but now im just home all day long……..

[squeaksinc]

2023 creative year in review! 💦💦

The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.

costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!

the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.

thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.

More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.

like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.

I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.

in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.

for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads

[fangtastic-vampyra]

SRA DREAM/RANT/The Cursed Monthly Gift/Contagion

Being miserable. From. My family. Like I keep dreaming I am walking around naked lol. Maybe cause the blankets are heavy? Irl? Or just feeling way too open and such, online, yet some say vulnerable is strong. But anyway, once I found some clothes um, I was asking if my cous could be my roommate, and they say we get "another patient" as a roommate, it was like a sort of um, HUD thing? Well. I went off. Said I am leaving there, and everything, and going to take over my mom's house. WHICH was like a pt3 from a dream of a Hurricane happening in LA again, and I kept asking people to secure my stuff, I really am not rich enough to buy the 3RD round of clothing and tech and everything. (I also dreamed I was THE JOKER in a movie, starring me.. and had like two boyfriends and two girlfriends lol)

Um, cont with this recent one from a few hours ago... Telling them (my family) abt me with the suicidal ideation within it, dr knows, its just a side effect of being trans, and not as tall as i think i "really am". Like. Begging them to bring me back across the lake and stuff. As we would say. Ugh. {Thirty minute drive.}

Before I passed out, a voice told me, that I was pretty much (my balcony oversees the lot, obv, but like REALLY, does, our location) abandoned here, she/mum doesn't care if i have food/money/etc, and with the schizophrenia (being like jimunji) as it's, V2K DEW EMF SPRITE AI and Handlers, Im often spinning/out of it/dazed feeling... Like they know you have mental probs but expect you to "act" like you don't? How could you even comprehend that?

So I found some guy that cared, he looked me up all over internet from a FB dating profile. Guise, be careful what you put out there. Me? I figure I'm just..dying from Covid anyway..and The Contagion...

Feel grouchy, breasts are feeling uh tenderness or wahtever, prob starting period, but I really dont think thats what it is "spotting".

...my fucking dumb ass. had sex with this guy but like WHY does woman have to be the one "put a condom on please" like Im not doing okay... adjusting to this whole "society as a targeted individual with people who come to the house with rx psychiatric meds"--Pushin going to a DR with me. it could be side effects of T/Estrogen.

This guy is like a handler and that. Dont you know in 9 months. Dont you know child support and that. Idk I was looking at TV and it said abort. Idk probably lil antichrist in there.

I dont even want to be here, alright?

But as far as no one ever loving me, as some mistake of God, a baby would love me. Forever.

Fucking dudes. Weirdos.

Im weird. No. I realize. I am perfectly naturally fucked up from this HORSE SHIT. I have to now take responsibility as some kind of uh. Fuck up. Fubar. I dunno. We shall see. Stupid woman body. Cant even really stop itself from being pregnant. Its just..the dumbest shit. Yeah pills? I pass out. Surgery? Demons. Lots of them. Uhhhhh idk. Kinda hung up on a kid loving me. FECKING LIL RETARDED ASS CHICKENS KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF UNWANTED PREGGERS. (They can get rid of the sperm ugh) HUMANS? NO. This is so fucked up. And politicians and all like want us to have babies in our tummies. Where are they when this baby is hungry and sick? Stealing my Fucking money, calling me an undesirable, and whathaveyou. Prolly, you know, tilling him/her to the grave,

[mixxdpunch]

There's a hurricane that's cutting off my internet BUT NOTHING WILL STOP ME !!! So i will continue this goofy tag game no matter what

Also I'm lazy and made myself but as a cat girl. Because I can. :3

I'm gonna copy and past from you cause going back and forth is hell on earth btw so hope u don't mind the length ejhehehehehs

hardcover or paperback // bookstore or library // bookmark or receipt // stand alone or series // nonfiction or fiction // thriller or fantasy // friends to lovers or enemies to lovers // read in bed or read on the couch // read at night or read in the morning // keep pristine or markup // cracked spine or dog ear (Sorry you would HATE me)

APPEARANCE

i’m over 5’5” // i wear glasses/contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair (that was like a LONG time ago though, i hated the texture its a nightmare) // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i typically wear make-up (just my eyebrows, i am akutagawa) // i don’t often smile // i am pleased with how i look // i prefer nike to adidas // i wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

i play a sport // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language (ok i can like speak technically 2 languages other than English but im like at the level of a baby. i can swear at you and ask you for milk) // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami // i prefer movies to tv shows // i can execute a perfect somersault (i cant even swim dawg)// i enjoy singing // i could survive in the wild on my own // i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends // i travel during school or work breaks // i can do a handstand

RELATIONSHIP

i am in a relationship // i have been single for over a year (almost but tbh that's a doozy) // i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me //i have a long distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends (it's really bad dont listen to it) // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

AESTHETICS

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sun rise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep (on the off occasion) // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colors// i find mystery in the ocean // i enjoy hiking on nature paths //autumn is my favourite season

MISCELLANEOUS

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend (i think i am but im probably more like the weird uncle who talks too much about creepy fun facts or true stories. but i never forget the sunscreen) // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food (chips and salsa my beloved) // i can drive manual (i cant drive lol) // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least three dogs

FIVE RANDOM FACTS

I have a film degree that I still have yet to use. Life is hell

I am a dual national, although can I speak the language of my mothers country? not really lol. I can talk to cats tho.

I have an extensive vintage postcard collection of my city that goes from the 1980s to its founding in the 1900s. It's inherited but I do cherish it deeply <3

I am a can collector. My main brands are Arizona ice teas and monster energy drinks - there isn't a goal, I just like the different cans and having them around. They are weirdly sentimental now

I've been writing a fantasy series since I was 13 years old and I still have yet to do anything with it. one day i hope to finish it but uhhh its not looking too good over here

I'm gonna tag @sinnabunii @stellarr19 and anyone else who wants to go literally go for it this is a safe space

Sob.

Couldn't reblog the original anymore, but Tag game!! Tagged by @tecchous-thicc-buttocks

Picrew

They didn't really have the ability to make the hair fade to a different color or a lot of purple thingies, but I'm satisfied with the result! It's cute!

I'll also do all of em-

hardcover or paperback // bookstore or library // bookmark or receipt // stand alone or series // nonfiction or fiction // thriller or fantasy // friends to lovers or enemies to lovers // read in bed or read on the couch // read at night or read in the morning // keep pristine or markup // cracked spine or dog ear (Dog ear is just plain barbaric tf)

APPEARANCE

i’m over 5’5”(I am 5'5 and a bit does that count?) // i wear glasses/contacts // i have blonde hair // i prefer loose clothing to tight clothing (no real preference, it's not by a lot)// i have one or more piercings // i have at least one tattoo // i have blue eyes // i have dyed or highlighted my hair // i have gotten plastic surgery // i have or had braces // i sunburn easily // i have freckles // i paint my nails // i typically wear make-up // i don’t often smile (tis the tism) // i am pleased with how i look (smash /j nah I'm like decently happy)// i prefer nike to adidas (what even are brands, I like neither) // i wear baseball hats backwards

HOBBIES AND TALENTS

i play a sport // i can play an instrument // i am artistic // i know more than one language // i have won a trophy in some sort of competition // i can cook or bake without a recipe // i know how to swim // i enjoy writing // i can do origami (the very basic ones)// i prefer movies to tv shows (neither!)// i can execute a perfect somersault (thank you PE classes I hate you with a passion)// i enjoy singing (I do sound like a dying cat tho)// i could survive in the wild on my own // i have read a new book series this year // i enjoy spending time with friends (my very limited bubble, the rest are a chore) // i travel during school or work breaks // i can do a handstand (not without a wall tho)

RELATIONSHIP

i am in a relationship // i have been single for over a year // i have a crush // i have a best friend i have known for ten years // my parents are together // i have dated my best friend // i am adopted // my crush has confessed to me //i have a long distance relationship // i am an only child // i give advice to my friends // i have made an online friend // i met up with someone i have met online

AESTHETICS

i have heard the ocean in a conch shell // i have watched the sun rise // i enjoy rainy days // i have slept under the stars // i meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // i enjoy the smell of the beach // i know what snow tastes like // i listen to music to fall asleep // i enjoy thunderstorms // i enjoy cloud watching // i have attended a bonfire // i pay close attention to colours (eh?) // i find mystery in the ocean // i enjoy hiking on nature paths //autumn is my favourite season (the way none of these really apply to me, sad)

MISCELLANEOUS

i can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // i am the mom friend // i live by a certain quote // i like the smell of sharpies // i am involved in extracurricular activities // i enjoy mexican food // i can drive manual // i believe in true love // i make up scenarios to fall asleep // i sing in the shower (bath) // i wish i lived in a video game // i have a canopy above my bed // i am multiracial // i am a redhead // i own at least three dogs

FIVE RANDOM FACTS

Just going to recycle 3 I've used before-

I have broken my pinkie finger because of a towel before. It was like 35° askew it was not pretty (I did not faint, somehow, but it hurt like a bitttccch)

I have low blood pressure and am prone to fainting as a result (No physical activities for me!)

I did a year of Uni Maths (Currently in the exam period) but I plan to go into Graphic Design now

And now 2 original ones:

I won 2 graduation awards at High School Prom Night (I think that's the right one? Idk Belgian school system doesn't quite translate to freedom units) as the only person to even be nominated for 2, and they were the biggest "fuck you"s they had available. They're very much plastic, but they have custom engravings!

I was a finger artist up till a month or so ago (You can probably tell by how my style has finally stabilized)

Tag time! Well... I am anxious, so really whoever wants to can go (I am a coward) ... @mixxdpunch ?

[bigskydreaming]

So as far as insurance goes for me, I’ve had to maintain super-pricey private insurance for the past three years while navigating the super long and annoying road to surgery to deal with longterm physical injuries stemming from my gaybashing sixteen years ago. 

Since I’ve got some new followers these days who don’t know the whole sitch, long story short, freshman year of college I got gaybashed and raped by a buncha homophobic dudebros ‘teaching me a lesson’ or whatever, there was kicking to the face that apparently caused juuuust enough of stress fracturing to the condyle on the right side of my jaw. Cut to about five years ago, the stress fracturing finally eroded or whatever, like, enough to basically snap off the top part of where my jawbone is supposed to go in the joint socket there, resulting in a 45 degree lopsided face, inability to fully close my mouth and bunch of other shit such as chronic daily pain and migraines, vertigo that means I cant drive a car or stay upright longer than about an hour or so at a time, oh and also the weird position of my jaw meant my attempts to eat gradually destroyed my teeth over the past several years and led to them all having to be extracted and me fitted with dentures which are a SUPER fun thing to have at 35, and its basically all very boring and tedious and blah. 

POINT BEING, these days I’m literally just killing time until they can fit me in for the joint replacement surgery I need, its supposed to happen first week of December unless they can fit me in sooner.....but anyway, like, because our health care system suuuuuuuuuucks, basically everyone from Medicaid to Blue Shield argued round and round about whether it was a dental issue or a medical issue and whether it was elective or life-critical (I say yes, they said no, I said you try and eat life-sustaining food like this, they said, ugh fine, but you still gotta pay 21K out of pocket even with the ridiculous premiums we’ve been charging you to get even this far, I said UGH FINE) but long story short, wait I already did that, whoops, that was a lie, BASICALLY the point is I paid that and am on the books but between that and the dearth of savings that is “this is what happens when you spend basically four years homeless and unemployed and living out of motels” that means I still gotta finish out the rest of the year paying my fun-times-price point of $820 a month for insurance, not to mention rent and food. 

Factor in my inability to do much work that cant be done while lying on my side in bed and saying words into the notes App of my phone and then cutting and pasting them into Functional Format elsewhere, and the fact that my family’s abusive trash I haven’t spoken to in literal years on account of they suuuuuuuuuuuck, meaning my support system is literally just my friends on tumblr, lol, baaaaaaaaasically, the moral of the story is if you ever have a spare five bucks and find my existence entertaining or beneficial to yours in some small way and feel like tossing a coin to your witcher or whomst-the-fuck-ever for purposes of helping to enable my continued existence until I can like.....more capably Exist On Mine Own again, like....that’d be super cool and appreciated and such like and so forth. 

Anyway, that’s my deal, my sitch, the smorgasboard of my ridiculousness, and like. The end and stuff I guess. I feel like I had something else to say, but my ADHD brain is being super-sized by migraine brain at the moment, so it either wasn’t that important or like, it was but also lol blinding stabbing shooting pain at my temple says nah, forget about it. As you were! 

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[sneakydraws]

Well, here it is - a lengthy explanation of each card in my mdzs major arcana deck and what I meant to convey/what i would have changed in retrospect/what alternatives i considered! It’s a bit messy and my typing style is lazy but hopefully it will be an interesting read to some of you :)

And so you don’t say I didn’t warn you - jiang cheng’s section (11 justice) is absurdly long lmao

0 the fool  I elaborated on this in the post itself but yeah basically jin ling is kind of representative of all the damage and trauma caused by the past, and there’s a kind of danger there of him falling victim to the same vices as the older characters and repeating the same mistakes and perpetuating the cycle of war and misery (the cycle that we already see with how the jin sect became the new wen sect, and later with how jgy became the new wwx) and he has a lot of room to grow! He grows so much over the course of the novel, comes to realise the complexities of the past and gets a harsh life lesson in how nothing is as black and white as it seems. But ill save talking about his progress for the end, for now whats important is that he has room to grow and also a dog. I don’t really have a justification for the sun, i mostly just thought it looked sick? It made its way to the next card as well, where it makes a bit more sense, but then i realised it was a dumb motif to include 1 the magician I still very much like wwx for the role, and that illustration would have probably had him raising a corpse on his left and pointing threateningly to the sun on his right. I considered including the table as well, with some mdzs relevant items replacing the card suits. Anyway, like i said wwx got a few cards to himself already so i went with the alternative wq design, since i think she fits the card as well. Both she and wwx are highly skilled people, extremely driven once they set their mind to something. The card to me symbolises the creative mind as well as a general drive for action, which fits them both - wwx was famously a prolific inventor, and wq came up with a previously unheard of surgery, after all. This card strays pretty far from the rider-waite deck design, largely because i was still figuring out how i wanted to approach this series, but you can still see the influence. 2 the high priestess I was actually going to skip this card at first because I couldn’t think of a fitting character, but once i considered a qings character post death, it all fit pretty well. She was already a highly intuitive person in life, and in sharing her memories with wwx she is, in a way, relaying a kind of secret knowledge. Anyway she’s one of my fav characters so im glad i got a chance to include her. The coffins could be interpreted to be xxc and sl or xxc and xy 3 the empress Theres other mother figures in mdzs who got to be mothers for a longer time, but jyl definitely embodies the positive aspects of this card the best. She’s nurturing, kind, emotionally supportive, she already mothered wwx and jc quite a bit when she was young. Plus i liked that the rw card had both water and flowers, making an easy lotus connection. In retrospect the stars look kind of out of place and i should have replaced them with something more relevant... Also, i should have had her hold a lotus seed pod instead of a flower, haha 4 the emperor Like i said I considered jc for the role but hoching bullied me into admitting that nmj was better… they’re both more of an inverted emperor than an upright one but then again theres hardly any character in mdzs who would fit upright emperor so. Jgs was also considered but he’s even uglier than nmj so i couldn’t bear to draw him 5 the hierophant It was pointed out to me that lqr would have fit this card better and the truth if that statement haunts me to this day. Unfortunately I have no space in my brain for lqr so lxc got the role instead. My main reason was his role during the wen destruction of gusu lan, when he ran away with the contents of the library - this is why there’s bookshelves behind him. The keys, take, from the rider-waite deck, are meant to represent the gusu pendants that allow you to enter 6 the lovers Im sure many people would have chosen wangxian here but I uhh don’t really care abt wangxian personally? And also their love story is so convoluted that jyl and jzx seem idyllic by comparison lol. Also i didnt really have an idea for who to put in the angel’s place for wangxian… mme jin certainly did not get these two together in the end but undeniably she and mme yu did initially give them a chance to fall for each other so. Thats something i guess. Anyway the trees became their sects’ flowers and the mountain became the burial grounds - an omen of their tragic fate, basically 7 the chariot There might have been other characters who fit this card better but i couldn’t really think of another card for lwj and i thought it would be weird to not include him… anyway i don’t really care for current timeline lwj BUT i do like that he was clearly influenced by wwx to walk his own path in life based on his moral convictions rather than follow his sect’s rules blindly. The chariot is to me a card of self control, self determination and focused action, so it seemed fitting. The composition felt kind of empty without the actual chariot so i padded it out with the guqin, the cloud recess in the bg (it doesn’t look great but i tried to replicate the drama design….) and the bunnies which conveniently fit the colour scheme of the sphinxes in the rider-waite design 8 strength Like i said before, my interpretation of this card is more… morally ambiguous than the quote unquote official meaning, so i thought about manipulative or duplicitous characters more than kind characters whose strength is expressed through gentleness (though i did consider jyl briefly for the latter interpretation). As such, i considered both jgy and nhs, but ended up going with jgy largely because i couldn’t pass up the opportunity to put the nie sect’s beast as the lion. 9 the hermit My thoughts immediately went to bssr lol. It may be an overly literal interpretation but whatever, i like it just fine. And i like that i managed to echo the rider-waite silhouette in the mountain and the tree (and even in bssr herself) 10 wheel of fortune God i love the parallels between these 2… this card to me is about how you cant trust your current situation, good or bad, to last forever, and these 2 embody that perfectly imo. Wwx went from son of a well off servant and a powerful cultivator, to street rat orphan, to adopted son of sect leader jiang, to double orphan, to MIA, to terrifying but admired warrior, to terrifying and despised traitor, to dead, to, at the very end, suddenly respected and trusted again. The dishonesty and cheapness of whatever the public’s current opinion of him is is portrayed beautifully as far as im concerned. And jgy of course claws his way up to power only to instantaneously become public enemy number one, to the point that he’s probably blamed for stuff there’s no reason to believe he had a hand in. Wei wuxian’s silent astonishment at how quickly the cultivation world turns against jgy and towards him again is a delicious moment of thematic resonance.  11 justice I settled on this card for jc after he got booted from the emperor seat but i do think it fits, in a somewhat convoluted way. I turned both the sword and the scales into visual representations of the golden core transfer (can you tell im obsessed with it). According to biddy tarot, the justice card is partly about searching for the truth, and the scene where jc finds out about the transfer is of course a big deal. I was also very influenced by the reversed meaning again - which is about being reluctant or unwilling to face or accept the consequences of your actions. I feel on an intuitive level that this fits jc but I’m not sure how well i can explain it - it’s something about how he’s a little too comfortable scapegoating wwx for things that were also, if much less so, influenced by his actions, and also something about the way he keeps wwx at an arm’s length emotionally but still leans on him and accepts his support when he really needs it, and somewhat hypocritically expects wwx to put the needs of him and the jiang sect before the needs of others. And also something about the core exchange is the consequence and proof of wwx’s deep - terrifyingly deep, even - love and care for him, which is something jc doesn’t seem to let himself acknowledge. Maybe even something about how you could argue that the way all of the jiangs acted around wwx - jfm’s favouritism that left him with the feeling of a debt he needs to repay, mme yus insistence that he be a servant more than a brother to jc, prepared to give his life for jc, and jc’s own unwillingness - or inability, he was a child after all - to clearly acknowledge wwx as an equal to himself, enabling wwx’s self sacrificial and protective tendencies - that all of this was what caused wwx’s complete and unquestioning willingness to do whatever it took to protect jc, and therefore paved the way to the golden core transfer. And i don’t mean this to be scapegoating jc - especially considering how young he was when this all went down, it wouldn’t be fair to expect this level of emotional perceptiveness, awareness and maturity of him - but i think adult jc has to grapple with the fact that the chain of cause and effect was not as simple as wwx fucking everyone’s lives up to be a martyr, and that both jc and his parents had a role in that story as well. I don’t even necessarily think this is something that jc only realised in the current timeline - i think it’s something he felt on some level this whole time, and it probably led to a lot of feelings of guilt - but the suibian reveal definitely puts it in sharp focus, and i think he’s now better equipped to handle this introspection than he was as a recently orphaned, traumatised teenager, lol. ANYWAY the window with the fabric is both a nod to the rider-waite design and a reference to the destruction of lanling - i actually did some basic ass research for this, and it seems that in ancient china fabric would indeed be hanged in a window if the normally used paper was damaged. The design of the window, as well as the very idea to use it to imply the reconstruction of lanling, was taken from this great piece of jc angst by my pal moroll1! Oh yeah also the covered window kind of works as a denial of forgiveness for jc because it’s like a halo but covered up... Also I completely forgot to put a blindfold over his eyes which would be perfectttt because blind justice and the core exchange......... ok moving on 12 the hanged man I always have issues with this card because i cant find a satisfactory summary of what it’s really about. Best i can tell it symbolises a need to hit pause, surrender or let go of something… ive also seen it tied to sacrifice? So mo xuanyu doesn’t fit perfectly, but sacrifice is definitely there in a surface level reading kind of way, and the idea that you have to surrender or let go in order to achieve your goal does fit the whole deal of getting revenge but giving up your life in exchange and not being there to see it 13 death This is probably one of my favourite cards, definitely not because I have huge issues with change or anything…. I see this card as signalling the necessity of change or putting an end to something / leaving something in the past in order to start anew? At first i considered putting past wwx, mxy and current wwx here as a kind of transformation and one cycle flowing into the next... But firstly, I’d already used mxy in the very previous card, so putting him in again would feel like overkill, and secondly, the longer I thought about it the less convinced I was that this would even fit with the card’s meaning? Because coming back from the dead doesn’t like... trigger an internal transformation within wwx or anything? Anyway, fun fact: the design I ended up going with was actually originally intended for judgement! I thought I was being very clever with the whole “figure plays an instrument and the dead rise” parallel, but apparently I’d just completely forgotten that the judgement card had a completely different composition... Truly I was boo boo the fool... But yeah anyway at the end of the day I figured the design would kind of work for death as well, with Wen Ning and the theme of transformation, (since in his case coming back as a fierce corpse does actually mark a certain transformation in behaviour) and Wei Wuxian’s protection of the Wen people essentially signifying an attempt to break the cycle of oppression if that makes any sense? Like, wwx is trying to revolutionise the way the world works a bit, if you catch my drift 14 temperance  The centrist card! Again this is probably going off track from the “official” interpretation, but to me this card has a certain “don’t commit fully; do everything in moderation; don’t take either side” flavour to it that i personally find infuriating irl and that i very much assign to lxc. It’s entirely possible that I’m misinterpreting his character because i didn’t really pay him (and the 3zun in general) much mind while reading, but hell, I’m allowed to pick favourites and choose who i want to interpret deeply vs shallowly. Again, i wish id chosen lqr for hierophant because its so annoying for a character i don’t care about to get two cards…. But oh well 15 the devil My alternative idea for this was jgy as the devil and lxc plus nmj as the figures, but since all three had been featured already (multiple times, even!) i figured I’d go with xy instead, especially since he’s among my faves lol. I think the devil signifies something along the lines of unhealthy attachment, obsession or addiction, which isn’t 100% accurate in the case of xxc and a-qing, but if i stretch it a bit to cover toxic relationships in general, and especially manipulation or negative influence, i don’t think it’s half bad. My main struggle here was to choose who amongst the xxc/sl/aq trio to choose for the human figures. 16 the tower Arguably jin zixuans death and the following massacre of nightless city were the final and most direct reason for the siege of burial mounds, and the tiger seal is good shorthand for wwx’s loss of control over his powers, which led to the deaths of jzx and jyl. When reimagining major arcana i like to feature some kind of building in this card (spoilers for a possible future project but in my rose of versailles major arcana set the tower is bastille) and even if it’s not a tower, the image of wwx looming over the gathered crowd from atop a rooftop is so good i couldn’t resist 17 the star Struggled with this one - considered both jin ling and lsz for it, as symbolising a hope for the future, but that was kind of covered by the world so it wouldn’t make sense to include here as well... As usual when I struggle with interpreting a card (as opposed to understanding it but struggling with matching a character to it, like with death or moon) I went to biddy tarot and read all the details about its meaning. What i got was that this card signifies an incoming period of introspection and inner peace following a time of turmoil, as well as a general moving on into a new, better phase of one’s life or finding new meaning and purpose. The figure also suggests someone vulnerable, but possessing a keen sense of intuition as well as a good degree of practicality and common sense. Given all those, I settled for mianmian because IM LOVE HER..... I also kind of see her as a prelude to the “just one person is enough” theme present in tgcf!! And i think her decision to abandon her sect because she saw the toxicity and corruption in it is a very inspiring action - even if it didn’t make a large visible impact, i think the appearance of her and her idyllic family at the very end of the novel - paralleling and mirroring wangxian - implies that at the end of the day, it was a meaningful one 18 the moon Another card i ALWAYS fuxking struggle with - this time less because i can’t grasp its meaning and more because I can never find a character that fits it well. I usually get fixated on the “dreams and subconscious” part, but if i lean more on the “disguise, deceit, anxiety and fear” part, i eventually figured the whole yi city arc wouldn’t be a bad fit. I say the entire arc because it really does encompass all those themes if you include both the past and the present - xue yang’s disguise, his tricks with the villagers, a-qing’s lies and even xxc’s reluctance to talk about his past as well as xue yang pretending to be xxc all fit the disguise and deceit angle, and the general mystery and creepiness of the current timeline yi city work well with the anxiety and fear - the mist, the slow uncovering of the past, even a-qing being revealed to be an ally after scaring the shit out of the protags. I definitely struggled with including all the elements and characters, and even moreso with making them vaguely fit the rider-waite composition, but i think it ended up okay ish. OH and i completely forgot to draw mist swirling around them :( 19 the sun I was considering mianmian’s family for this one, but since I used her for star, I ended up with wwx and his parents instead. Once again I’m reinterpreting the card a bit - normally I think it symbolises incoming times of pure happiness and abundance, as well as a connection with the inner child, but I gave it more of a nostalgic or sentimental twist - wwx looking back at the brief glimpse of his happy childhood. 20 judgement another card that i struggle to interpret a bit... Here i actually used the tgcf tarot zine as a reference! In it judgement is summarised as “rebirth, following duty, absolution” SO i figured that nhs, mxy and wwx all together would fit pretty neatly... wwx achieving (public) absolution through clearing his own name after being reborn, and nhs sort of calling on wwx to expose jgy’s crimes... It’s a bit messy but not bad I think! 21 the world This ties very closely to my read on mdzs as a story - which is that it’s, at the end of the day, largely about cycles, and about how hard it is to break them, but how we gotta keep trying and have hope anyway. Or maybe more precisely, that the people directly involved with and influenced by the trauma of the past might not be able to get over said trauma and that the hope for healing from it will be shouldered by the new generation. Or something like that… Basically what i mean is that jc and wwx and lwj and lxc and nhs and jgy and all these people who were in the thick of the sunshot campaign and the siege are so profoundly affected by it that it genuinely feels by the end of the story like there is little hope for them to ever truly overcome that trauma and build a better future without repeating the same old mistakes - but there is a glimmer of hope in the new generation, specifically in jl and lsz. And it’s a bit paradoxical, because they have also been directly impacted by the past tragedies - lsz having his entire clan wiped out after wwx failed to protect them, jl losing both his parents to wwx’s mistakes - but despite that loss, and despite coming from arguably the two opposing sides of the past conflicts, they are both, in the end, capable of moving past that tragedy, of recognising the complicated nature of those conflicts (jl’s moment of clarity at the end is both heartbreaking and hopeful) and forging friendships between clans in the process. I honestly think that the extra where jl is struggling to assert his authority as sect leader, to treat his subjects well and to cooperate with other sects in a truly amicable way is the single hopeful ending note for the larger themes of the novel - it allows us to imagine that maybe these kids can learn from the mistakes of their elders rather than getting sucked in by resentment at those mistakes, and actually build a brighter future for the cultivation world. And sidenote, this is also why i have a soft spot for jin ling and lan sizhui as a ship... speaking of which their poses were directly referenced from the lovers card ehehe

Looking back, I’d like to add some symbol of jin ling’s trauma so that it mirrors baby wen yuan in the tree stump... maybe his father’s sword? 

[wkemeup]

I dont normally do this, but i saw u giving other people advice, so here i am. Idk if i told u already, but my vision is very bad. With glasses on, i still cant drive and i may have to go on disability. That aside. Im very self concious cause of my glasses. I dont have "normal" glasses, the lens are extremly thick. You cant even see my eyes from the side and it makes my eyes look very small from the front. Because of new developments however, my vision is even worse now and i gotta get even thicker lenses. I hate the way they make my face look already, so im really not excited for a new pair. I know i need them, id need a dog without lol. But i just hate how ugly they make me look, and now i gotta get even worse ones?? Idk, any advice for how not to care? Or how to not feel self concious? Also no offense but plz dont recommend surgery. Not to sound rude. Its just people recommemd it often, and i cant get any. Iv had mutiple surgerys already to fix stuff, so anymore could be very bad. Im still upset about that too actually. Not to add more stuff lol. But ya. I wanted surgery so bad, and i was told all my life id be able to get Lasik. Nope. Not a retinal transplant either. I cant get any corrective surgery yay -_-

Ugh. Sorry this was such a mess i just stressed out about this, even tho i know i have no control over it. Srry if its too much, but id really appreachiate any advice

My first thought would be choosing frames that are more aesthetically pleasing? Even if your lens itself it thicker, the frame can still be cute, right? I don’t know much about this stuff so it’s hard to give advice - not that my word means anything really.

But it sounds like this is something you don’t have a way around. It’s a matter of accepting what you can not control and moving forward. It causes more frustration and pain to entertain the ‘what if’s’ and ‘i wish it were deferent’ thoughts. Every single person on this planet has something they’re insecure about, but it does not have to define you. I’m sure you notice it more or fixate on it more than anyone else because it bothers you so much. I wish I knew what to say to help with this, I’m sorry

[elleelix]

1-40!

1. spotify 

2. room is semi-clean... it could be a lot worse and usually is so i’m gonna give myself half the credit that it’s clean (: 

3. dark brown

4. yes! i like how its not a common name and my mom named me after her goddaughter

5. single 

6. compassionate, adventurous, shy/conscientious 

7. coloured to be brown with some blonde? not really sure LOL  

8. blue mini cooper

9. dynamite, h&m, uniqlo, 

10. honestly in a rut with my style atm; only been in scrubs cause of work and sweats for the past 9 months 

11. tumblr & twitter 

12. queen 

13. 2 older brothers 

14. always dreamed to live somewhere in europe like the netherlands or in australia 

15. do people still use snap?? mm i remember there was one where you could be a potato 

16. nyx, covergirl, fenty

17. everyday usually cause of work 

18. so hard to choose a fav show... mm boy meets world? tend to always go back to watch random clip/episodes every year

19. size 8

20. 5′7

21. sneakers

22. yes but haven’t gone to the gym since march 

23. picnic overlooking a view (skyline, beach, etc) then watching the sunset and then the stars together; or also ive always wanted to sit in a back of a truck with a bunch of pillow and blankets watching the stars or even at a drive-in theatre 

24. i don’t carry cash oops

25. white

26. 3 pillows 

27. im a dental hygienist! 

28. i talk to 3 friends on a regular/daily basis 

29. getting a speeding ticket? LOL i cant think of anything else

30. candles that are apple scented 

31. ?? wouldnt say fav but i like the names: jaden, ethan, jeremy 

32. same not favs but i like: kehlani/kalani, audrey, alexis 

33. can only think of ryan reynolds at the top of my head

34. anne hathaway?

35. leo in his prime in titanic & romeo + juliet 

36. ive watched tangled over 10 times LOL tangled or finding nemo (: love any disney movie

37. i used to read a lot before hs + uni happened; fav books would be: harry potter series a series of unfortunate events the miracles of namiya general store

38. intelligence 

39. only nickname from my family which is  阿妹 

40. only once from what i can remember; but i apparently had surgery when i was 18 months old but i have no recollection of it 

also, thanks for keeping me busy with answering these tonight (: 

[choiceenvironment]

Shorty’s Fight

Shorty is so deserving of the proper surgery to save her leg.  I feel horrible that I can not afford to provide her with it. With so many people struggling, I hate to ask for this kind of financial help, but I have no choice.  I have to try for her sake. Our local small town community has already sponsored the costs to saving her, with help from the wonderful (Strathmore Veterinarian).  The donations gave the vet enough to amputate her tail and cast her arm from a broken Radial bone. Including an anonymous donor that paid her intake. I believe it is because the town knows her, she has gone into stores, got the mail with me and all my clients love her. Since then (2 weeks ago) something has gone wrong and the Ulnar bone which had a hairline fracture has now broken fully, the only option now is amputate her front left arm for $2000 or Surgery for $4500 to save the arm. She is in a lot of pain, this breaks my heart for her and she does not deserve to suffer. I have been told by some that she is just a cat, That I should just do what ever is cheapest and/or put her down. But she is not just a regular cat, her personality captures anyone who meets her but not in the cuddly way most would think. This is my story of the most unique cat I have ever known. "Sam Shorty" 2 years ago I was looking for a small companion cat that I could bring to work at my newly opened print shop. I thought it would be great to keep the mice away, I was lonely as I worked alone and I had some struggles coping with stress. My store was opened in 2017, Since then my entire store was flooded and I lost all my inventory with no help from insurance because it was "overland flooding" - Jerks! They didn't help at all.  But my community did! Since then I lost my father, 2 brothers and covid took away my events which used to pay for my store rent.  I hosted, cooking and paint classes for kids when they were off school.  I also trained people who struggle to learn computer skills and building their own resume. I honestly needed to find a daily companion and furry friend.  My first thought was to catch or coax one of the Ferrell cats around town because I would be "giving them a better life".  So I thought. ha ha ha But the stray cats around town are pretty happy just eating the field mice and being wild and free.  No worries, just play, eat and sleep, I am almost jealous except in winter time. ha ha ha So after weeks of desperately trying to make friends with the Ferrell's I gave up and realized that all I was doing was creating Night Fights from all the food I kept leaving out. The neighbors must have loved that. ha ha ha They did keep all the outside mice away, but funny...I seemed to end up with more mice inside the store. ha ha ha Moving forward I checked online for any cats needing a home and oddly at that time frame there was none?  People even tried catching their own farm Ferrell's to no avail.  Well I was determined so I planned to go on the weekend to buy one SOMEWHERE lol, didn't know where but I was determined. Saturday morning we planned for a Sunday trip to the city.  But I was feeling really down so I prayed.  I honestly prayed to God and asked for help in sending me a cat that needs the most help. See, Although I want a companion for my sake I also want to return the favor to my friend, I want to be doing something good. 2 hours later I was cleaning up some things in the shed and my husband says "I think there is something behind the quad" Sure as shit there was a kitten!  So we ran and told my daughter to grab a can of tuna and after a few attempts I was able to quickly grab her scruff and pull her into my scarf. She fought hard but only for a few seconds, then she tucked her head into my hair and didn't move. I walked around with her for a bit and she seemed to like it.  Eventually I set her on my bed and she just stared at all of us like she was in shock.  Pretty sure she was freaking out. ha ha ha Her eyes were full of gunk, she was so badly filled with worms and she pooped all over my bedroom, my bed, but I could care less. Funny story - she even gave me worms which is very rare! The first night she was so afraid that she would only lay on the window sill.  Shorty was so stunted and small that we called her shorty.  Also because her tail was the smallest tail we had ever seen. While she was going from the window to the liter box and back up to the window sill, her litter was getting stuck to her feet and a small amount kept dropping into my bedside drinking glass. Lets not get into details, but I drank a lot of water that night. ha ha ha - I still laugh at this cause she was worth it. It took a long time to get her back to health, we thought she was dead a few times when she would not move for hours. We eventually got her fixed and with consistent food she began to grow :) and although small she is one tough kitty. I had her on a leash when we would go for walks, camping or to work.  But eventually I just felt like she missed the wild. When we were camping it poured rain one year so bad, but she did not want to leave the brush beside the fire and I realized she was hunting mice! She would be soaking wet and I would try to take her inside with me but she would get so mad, growl and kick her back paws on me.  So in return for her friendship I sat in the rain with her for hours so she could listen to the wilderness and hunt mice.  She even caught one that year but her excitement caused her to lose it and it ran away. She would stand on her back feet and sway her head like a crazy person filled with glee, she looked like a playful bear. Shorty would finally want to go to bed around 11 pm, but at the crack of dawn she would be sitting on her leash staring at me and using her "mind powers" to wake me up.  She is very polite and tries not to disturb me while I sleep.  So sweet. I decided that if I truly love her I would have to let her have her own freedom and if she loved me too, she would return home. At first when I took her off her leash, Shorty would stay with me as I gardened or worked in the yard.  But eventually she left the yard for a day and night. But she returned and before the incident she would come and go on the hour. Shorty could be dead asleep on the piano ( her favorite spot) and she would know if another cat stepped on her property.   So would we, because all of a sudden she would run upstairs to the bedroom windows, then down to the basement windows. Sometimes she would "Scobie Doo"  around the corners then race to be let out the back door. All the neighborhood cats are free out here and go as they please.  They are also bigger than her! But she puff's up, spits and kicks her back feet like she is the toughest little girl in the world. Climbing is her favorite and she always has to show me.  She will run up the tree and if I am not watching her Shorty meows at me and scratches harder on the tree. She loves to run and show off how fast she is, her favorite game with my daughters is what we call "the chase game" That's where the kids will get a foot from her and she will run to the other side of the yard and lay down.  Then she rolls and shows her tummy, so the girls walk up to pet her and when they are a foot from her she runs back to the other side. She loves it. Shorty does not cuddle, wont let strangers touch her and only comes to me "Mom" Now the sad part -  We rescued a Pitbull and have spent month retraining her as she was abused and left to freeze in the cold.  Her name is Calypso. She cowers to many things and we thought we were getting her back to normal. Her prey drive was bad, but the cat and her were beginning to play and we began lowering our guard. I never left them in a room alone together, I still always supervised just encase. But 2 weeks ago I was in court awaiting a verdict on a local exploitation of a minor case.  The judge called guilty, we cried with relief and became overwhelmed as it had been a year long uncertain battle.  By the system prevailed! AS we celebrated on the way home I got a call from my daughter, the dog had got upstairs and the cat was bleeding. I tried to keep my daughter calm and a Neighbour ran to my house to see how bad it was. When I got there, the floor had a trail of blood and a pool of blood behind the couch. But it is not the dogs fault, she is a sweet sweet dog that just wants to be loved.  The dog took to me the moment we met and her jealousy took her over along with her natural instinct. Just as the cat needs to hunt mice, the dog wants to hunt too.  It part of them and I hold no fault to either of them. We called the nearest vet who responded with "we are booked unless you want to just bring her in and put her down?" Yah we hung up on them. Then we called Strathmore Vet and while bawling I explained that I had absolutely no money, I had no idea how to get any money but I would do anything to save her. The vet worked tirelessly through the night and all the next day.  Shorty had her tail amputated, and a second time from the damage.   Luckily she had enough blood to rebuild and just a fractured radial bone.  They tried there best to cast the arm but gave me a 50/50 chance of keeping it. The last two weeks of healing, Shorty has been such a trooper.  We have been trapped in my room since but I think she knows its only so she can heal.  I have not gone to work or left her side. I thought she was getting depressed the last few days but yesterday we found out its pain, from the second bone finally giving out. Shorty deserves to keep her leg and she deserves proper care.  The feeling of not being able to provide this to her is horrible. I cant even afford the amputation. With amputation I wonder if I will ever let her back outside? There is 2 jerks on our street that always speed and with her only having 3 legs I would be too worried that someone would run her over. Most people in our town will actually stop and let a cat cross the road, we are always watching for children and the speed is basically 30 klm/hr over the entire hamlet or Carseland. This is my last resort. I have tried to phone Pet Card to get approve for a pet loan but I don't make enough.  I actually don't make anything since covid and have been operating my print shop at a loss for 6 months. My customers have been hit hard, they don't have the money to pay anymore.  Its not their fault and I have stayed close with all my clients because I truly understand what they are going through. I tried selling all my game consoles i have collected since I was 12, that didn't pan out. The stress of everything gave me shingles, so I have 4 bags of bottles to take in and I am now better so I can actually take them in, but that's not going to help her today. So I am here asking for help because Shorty deserves better and I am okay with putting myself out there for her. She really deserves a chance to keep her freedom and live the happy life she had before. Thank you so much for reading, sharing or considering helping my little girl. My love to you all Jennifer

[queerlynx]

tagged by @elinaline​ lets fucking go 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

my what (have you seen my hair, seriously) 

2. name of a food you never eat?

garlic and i WILL die on that hill 

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

always too fucking warm. im literally never cold. people ask me 10x/day ‘arent you cold’ even tho ive told them 1000x that no, i am never cold 

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

i think i was still at the shops or maybe getting ready to go to the shops? 

5. what’s your favourite candy bar?

always a slut for a snickers 

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

i dont think so? what would i do there anyways ……oh wait no i went along to a professional tennis game w my ex’s brother i think? i can barely remember it was like 6 years ago 

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

genuinely can’t remember even tho it was probs less than 15mn ago to my flatmate. most likely something about the cat being cute. or maybe it was TO the cat. who knows. 

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

chocolate probably? or banana? banana and chocolate is also good 

9. what is the last thing you had to drink?

lemonade cause thats all i drink 

10. do you like your wallet?

it’s BB-8!!! so yeah of fucking course 

11. what was the last thing you ate?

a bagel w blue cheese laughing cow, ham, and one of them shitty toastie super processed cheese slices 

12. did you buy any new clothes last week?

me and whose money lmaoo i can barely afford food rn 

13. last sporting event you watched?

nope 

14. what’s your favourite flavour of popcorn?

recently ive discovered you can drizzle maple syrup on popcorn and oh boy. other than that probs salted caramel sauce. but like i almost never have popcorn 

15. who was the last person you sent a message to?

im gonna assume this is any message and not just tumblr, in which case it was my fiancé @yearningcurve on whatsapp 

16. ever go camping?

i love camping but last time i went was at least 6 years ago ): 

17. do you take vitamins?

lol no 

18. do you go to church every Sunday?

………moving swiftly on 

19. do you have a tan?

i avoid sunlight like the plague so i’ll let you figure that one out 

20. do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

probs pizza but i like both 

21. do you drink soda with a straw?                      

i chug it straight from the bottle lol who’s got the time 

22. what colour socks do you wear?

im almost constantly barefoot unless i HAVE to put on shoes and even then i won’t always put socks on if i’m not gonna be outside for long 

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

im always p much 5mph above the speed limit (fun fact, the display in cars shows your speed as roughly 2mph higher than it actually is, you can check it against a gps on your phone; AND speed cameras allow for +5mph anyway, so why the fuck wouldnt i be) 

24. what terrifies you?

like in general?? people leaving me, rejecting me, abandoning me, cutting me out, hating me in secret; not being a good person or liked or useful; people thinking i’m annoying or embarrassing or ridiculous or boring; the list goes on 

25. look to your left what do you see?

a very roumd and somft kitty :3 

26. what chore do you hate?

anything administrative or on the phone. i dont think it counts as chores but i genuinely enjoy tidying and cleaning so. 

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

i cant tell an australian accent when i hear one 

28. what’s your favourite soda?

lemonade, or fanta 

29. do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

ever since ive gotten a car p much always drive thru cause why would i sit in a crowded fast food restaurant w screeching kids and angry karens when i could enjoy my disgusting feast in my own home??? 

30. who was the last person you talked to?

IRL that’d be my flatmate 

t31. favourite cut of beef?

sirloin 

32. last song you listened to?

Echoes by the Rapture, it played on my shuffle in my car and reminded me of how good Misfits was lmao 

33. last book you read?

it would’ve been over seven or eight years ago. can’t remember. 

34. can you say the alphabet backwards?

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a 

apparently so but it took a while tbh 

35. how do you like your coffee?

i mostly drink flat whites w hazelnut when i drink coffee but tbh despite being a barista w a professional grade home coffee machine i barely ever drink any outside of work lmao 

36. favourite pair of shoes?

grinders boots AND my trans pride converses. can’t pick between them soz 

37. the time you normally go to bed?

really is no normal. anytime between midnight and like up to 5am esp rn during lockdown. i never went to sleep last night actually i’ve been awake for like 28h now 

38. the time you normally wake up?

see above. anytime between 10am and like 6pm depending on when i went to bed. outside of lockdown i would wake up exactly an hour before i have work, so anytime between 5am-11am 

39. what do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

sunsets but i really love both 

40. how many blankets are on your bed?

one bedsheet and one soft blanket 

41. describe your kitchen plates?

they’re green. nobody is surprised 

42. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

cider. i be drinkin that shit like its juice 

43. do you play cards?

not really altho on lockdown i’ve taught my flatmates a french card/money game called Nain Jaune and they enjoy it so that makes me happy 

44. what colour is your car?

dark red like……burgundy kinda? 

45. can you change a tire?

probably not lol 

46. your favourite province?

province of what lol. either way it’s Brittany. 

47. favourite job you’ve had?

ive only ever had the one lmao so, barista it is 

48. how did you get your biggest scar?

top surgery (’: 

49. what did you do today that made someone happy?

fuck if i know. i guess i made coffee for my flatmates but like i do it everyday so they p much expect it by now i dont think it makes them any happier or like if it does they dont really say it rip 

not a big fan of tagging ppl so just. do it if you wanna lol 

[jenniez-tv]

Update post surgery:

It’s officially been 5 weeks since surgery and I can say that the pain is significantly better. I’m not taking pain medication anymore and can stand straight again lol.. but its still hard to sit straight when I’m in a chair or something. It still hurts to cough/sneeze etc but it’s tolerable. They say this surgery takes 2-3 months of recovery to feel ‘normal’ again so I guess I’m doing pretty well for 5 weeks. I still tire easy and can’t do any lifting more than a gallon of milk for awhile so I don’t rip my sutures though. I am going to talk to the doctor this week but I want to restart chemo next week because I want to get it over with. I still need 4 more sessions, and the later I start, the later I finish. I don’t want to be driving out and getting chemo when it gets super cold in the winter because I get extreme cold sensitivity.. and it freaking hurts when its cold. Plus, I want to finish it and start the new year fresh to restart my work outs, get strong again, and grow my hair back...

Let’s start off with the good news. The good news is that everything was removed from my surgery was all benign and then doused with chemo. So as of now, it looks like I do NOT have cancer anymore in my body! But yes, they still want to finish chemo. They want to be aggressive as hell to help decrease the chances of return. I might as well do it now rather than get healthy again only to have to go through all of this shit again right? But, yes, i am cancer free right now and i hope it stays that way.

Onto my touchy subject/stressor. My hair, or the lack of i should say. I may have said this in the last post.. but I literally have 1/4 of my hair left. My chemo regimen states that most people get some hair thinning, but its not really obvious unless you look closely. Well that is definitely not me.. I was “ok” with it because it was evenly spaced out even though it was thin as hell and I really did hate it.. But then, when I got home from the hospital hair was coming out in huge clumps for 5 days in a row. One day it was SOOOOOO much, like the other 4 days each combined.. while I’m touching my head I feel the entire middle part of my hair MUCH thinner, and even two spots felt pretty bald.. one near the top and one on the bottom. I thought I was over exaggerating but I had to see it.. so I took some pictures.. and then I cried... I had this HUGE bald spot on my head that even when I put it in the ponytail you can see it.. I was told and expected more hair to fall out because of the major surgery and stress.. but again, thought it would be evently spaced.. but these bald spots are NOT supposed to freaking happen.. I cannot even imagine shaving my head.. I just cant.. I love and have had really long hair for like 15 years but am considering it cutting it a little shorter from suggestions that it will weigh my hair down as much.. but I’m not talking about a bob cut or something. I am super nervous as to how much more is going to fall out during my last 4 sessions... time to get hats/beanies/etc... I have a bunch of beanies for winter but I’m trying to figure out what to wear for the rest of summer/fall without sweating bullets.

I feel like this hair thing is causing so much stress on me. Honestly, the only thing I loved about myself was my hair.. and now its just gross. I know it will grow back, and I do have baby hairs.. but even those are falling out right now. You may think I’m vain for caring so much about my hair.. but like I said.. it was the one thing I loved about myself.. and it falling out in clumps is so heartbreaking to see. Plus, having hair made it look like I was completely fine and not even going through chemo. Now with this big ass bald spot and having to wear something to cover it up.. it becomes more noticeable that I am getting treatment/am sick. If anyone knows of great shampoo/conditioner/serum WHATEVER that can help my hair grow back fast and thick and/or strengthen to help retain some hair.. please let me know. I have already been taking vitamins now, so what i’m looking for are topical things. I have been suggested to try cold caps but i cannot because of my cold sensitivity so that is out of the question. I don’t really want to wear a wig because i feel like that wouldn’t be comfortable? But I’m open to going to a store to try it out... and i heard its pricey.. sigh.. anyone have wig experience where they can help me out? Or cute hats/beanies/whatever to wear?

Posted below is an updated look of my incision as well as the huge ass bald spot on my head. The top of the incision has some fat necrosis (the scabbing part) which apparently is common in these types of surgery at the ends of the incision. Hopefully it heals up soon. It also occasionally oozes liquid fat. Gross right? Lol.

P.s. please don’t tell me it’s just hair who cares okay? I’ve heard it from enough people and it’s pissing me off. Thanks. 😅

[wbjakpps-blog]

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[oursensoryworld]

The Introduction

Hello Tumblr 

My name is Jessica 

I am 32 also a single mum with a beautiful 4 year old son. Ok so just a warning my grammar is horrible so please be kind. lol I always wanted to write a blog but never had the confidence to do so. Except for today.. When I thought to myself stuff it!! Maybe someone wants to listen to me talk crap, or is going through simular things. Needless to say I need an outlet. OK!

For the point of this introduction, I will start with when my son was 9 months old, and what happened after that.

We all lived in a beautiful little beach town. It was truly paradise! I would ride my bike to work some days, and think to myself how did I get so lucky.

Now you are probably thinking why would you leave then? 

I moved back to my parents house after getting home from work one night, and my sons father was drunk again. When I got home He was hostile and dangerous. I tried to kick him out to sober up, but he told me that it was his house and I had not right.

I couldn't take one more second. Called my dad to get my car and I was on the first flight out with my son.  

At first It was a welcome move. I was so happy to have the support that I needed. I had been working 40 hours per week plus the house and baby care. My son would wake at least 7 times per night.

Oh dear lord it was horrible. Did I mention the constant crying unless he was being held!

sounds like most babies right? that's what I thought, just normal motherhood not to worry. Just suck it up I would tell myself. 

Through the heartbreak of leaving my sons father, I slowly picked up the pieces of my heart, and tried to glue it back together. Many nights of wine, and crying were had by me. its kind of funny now when I look back on it. 

At the time though WOW!! What a mess I was. 

Little did I know the other struggles, that I would soon be faced with, would test me much more than a little break up ever could. 

Still took me 3 years to move on from loving my sons dad though.  

So here I am ready to begin again. I found a lovely family day care  for my son to attend while I went out to look for work. Everything seemed fine for awhile, just normal motherhood dramas.

My son was 22months when I got the first phone call, that he has been hitting his head against the wall and the floor. Just banging it! 

I was told by his day care teacher that she was worried, as she had never seen a child do this before in all her years of caring for children. So my first reaction was have I done something wrong? 

Could it be a reaction to my stress causing my son to react this way? All the blaming myself thoughts came flooding in. I had no idea why he was doing this. 

Not to mention, that for some time he wasn't making eye contact, or responding to his name being called. 

This wasn't my biggest concern at the time, as he was only little. In my mind, I thought he is just a late bloomer.

As my first and only child, I didn't have any thing to compare it to. 

I thought he will just grow out of it, or it would just go away.

I took him to Many Drs for their opinions. Most said the same thing. “could be an ear infection, or sinus problem so don't worry too much” 

His day care teacher, and my mother sat me down and said “we think he has Autism”  My first response “What he is only 22 months old!  how can you know that he has autism when he is so young. I didn't believe them, or want to. So I ignored it and continued on. 

My son celebrated his first birthday, it was a happy day. it was 40 degrees that day, but we were prepared. There were 3 kids pools, and plenty of shaded areas. 

This is when I noticed little difference's in my sons behaviour and other children, of same age, or even younger. For instance the eye contact. The way they would look engaged with their parent. The way they played with other children, and not alone.

Its really had to describe, and probably a poor choice of word but, a maturity difference is the way I would describe it. 

As he grew, he became very violent towards me, and other children. Always biting, hitting and throwing toys across the room was a daily occurrence. It became difficult for him to stay in family day care, for the safety of the other children. 

It was insane, I tried to talk to him, I took advice from what felt like a million people. Drs, parents, helplines, support groups you name it, I tried it. 

I would say to my friends, How could a child that gets so much love be so aggressive? I was googling one day as you do, and I came across a well known clinic that specialises in children with Autism. 

I took him to the Dr again! This time feeling confused and hopeless. =(  At home I would cop at least 50 punches, and several bites all over my body everyday. So it was go time!! 

I got the referral, and we went to the Clinic.My son walked in and was on his best behaviour of course. lol 

She sat and played some games with him, the whole process went for about an hour. She then sat down and talked to me.

The first thing she said, still to this day sticks in my mind. She said “when I first met your son, he seemed to be fine for his age. As the games went on, I noticed lots of things that are very concerning”

She then explained to me what her findings were. Have you ever noticed that when you are playing a game with him, when he runs into a bit of trouble, he will pull your hand to grab what he needs. Without words and no eye contact.

I replied sure. All the time.

She then told me many more things, that I will go into detail in other writings.  I was speechless.. 

Now I love my son the way he is, and have nothing against Autism. At the time though I was uneducated, and when the words fell from her lips,

 “ I believe your son has a significant Autism” 

My jaw hit the floor. I asked her what does that mean for him? then said, I thought that was normal. I thought a lot of the things he did were perfectly normal.

I use the word “normal” as just a word, not an indication that I think my son or any person on the spectrum isn't normal. Just thought I would put that out there, in case your reading this thinking (bitch please! who are you calling not normal) lol 

The feeling of not knowing what to do when you have just received that in her clinical opinion, and feeling so alone.

I got to the car and just cried. The main thought that ran through my head, was just worries for my darling son. Worrying will life be hard for him. What do I even do with this information. Who do I call for help? should I call for help? I racked my brain trying to figure out the answer.

I just felt like I was sort of going in circles. 

One of the major turning points for me was.

I was at the Drs one day, and my son had a massive meltdown. He bit my shoulder so hard he drew blood. The pain was so intense, it startled me so much that I dropped him. I still feel so bad about that!

I don't know what came over me. I started whaling and crying so much, in front of everyone. I curled myself up in the foetal position right in the middle of the surgery floor. As my son just walked around the surgery like nothing had happened. 

Now when I think of that tragically embarrassing moment, I just laugh. 

The receptionist came over to me, she was this little old lady. She wrapped her arms around me.

She gave me the biggest hug, and said “its ok darling, your doing a wonderful job”

That day I got the referral to my local hospital, to see the top childhood Dr

I was very relieved. I would get some answers! For a second opinion, and this lady is apparently the top Dr

We arrived at our local hospital. Now as you may have guessed, or have experience with.

My son is not one for public places and sitting still, he can usually sit still for a total of zero seconds. So when making an appointment its helpful if  the Dr is running on time. 

This was not the case! she was running 2 hours late!! 

I kept asking when is it our turn? I chased my son around the hospital at least 6 times. We got asked to wait in an outside locked space because he was screaming so loudly. it was a nightmare!! My anxiety was through the Roof..  

The looks I got from other patients, Its like I could hear their thoughts as the glared at me with their judging eyes and cats bum faces. 

All I could hear was, cant control your child, or what a little shit or such bad mother!

You name it! I heard it.. Without anyone of them saying a word. You know the expression a look can say a thousand words, or something like that. 

We finally!!!!! got called in, at this point he was over tired and so was I. 

The Dr was an older woman with short blond hair. She spoke with an almost regal tone to he voice. 

I thought this woman will have the answer for sure. She asked me a series of questions, and examined my son. I was truthfully scared to answer some of the questions, in fear of more judgment. 

In hindsight as a mother, we tend to blame ourselves for the silliest things. 

I have later learnt its called mothers guilt. Its a bastard of a thing. Anyway getting back to the Dr visit.

Sorry about that little tangent, I do that. 

She said to me have you ever heard of a disorder called ODD? I replied No.. What is ODD? She said it is an acronym for something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. 

WHATTTT!!!!!! Now I was angry! I said to her, I came here for help! Not for you to give my son a made up diagnoses.

I then asked her, so how do I fix this ODD? She said there is no cure. What do you mean there is no cure? 

She suggested to a program called the PPP Parenting course. That will give you coping strategies, you can learn as a parent, thus in turn help you to control your boys ODD. um NO!  

If it was that easy why the hell do you think I'm here!!

Do Drs like you get off on this just giving a child that doesn't quite fit a made up label? Or telling parents that they need to do a parenting program! in order to fix a Neurological disorder.  WTF... lol 

I practically ran out the door, I couldn't believe the absolute BS I had just been fed. I was driving home shaking my head thinking the nerve of this woman. 

I will say this again, its so funny looking back on all of this, its  the kind of funny that you laugh and then cringe.  

I got home, got my son out of the car, as he is pulling my hair out of my head. =( 

So far I have your son has sever autism, and some made up Disorder. well at the time I thought that (speaking in past tense)

So what did I do? I will tell you.

I did what any normal parent does, ask Dr Google =) 

Slowly typing in the search bar (What is ODD?) As my finger presses down on the enter button, I am then bombarded with Youtube vids and pages and pages of ODD info.

At this moment I'm like WOW, ODD is really a thing. I feel dumb now. Awkward for me, But holy shit this doesn't look fun. No offence but ODD sucks! I mean that with much love to parents out there. Its in short , everything you say your child fights you. They are violent and just exactly what its called. 

I could keep talking and writing for days, but I will wrap it up now with a to be continued!   

 If you read this and this and this is where you are at in this moment. 

I want you to know you are not alone. I wont lie, the road is a long and tough one. if no one has told you your doing a good job. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. XX Part 2 will come shortly, let me know what you think? be kind lol

 Take care. From J 

#autism #sensorydisorders #ODD #singlemums #parentswithkidsonthespecturm #lifescurveballs #mystory #sensorykids 

[bufanzi]

QIN COMPLIATION

( left to right: bu fan, yue yue, xiao yu, ling chao, mu ziyang, bowen)

Yue yue

his real name is yue minghui 岳明辉 !! (92-liner) 

nicknames include 老岳 (lao yue; old yue) & 岳叔 (yue shu; uncle yue) & 中年岳 (middle-aged yue) . PLS LET YUE YUE LIVE. 

used the name 岳岳 as a stage name bc of the way it sounds & its easier for people to remember ; PINKRAY

he went by the name joey yue while studying overseas lmao

有背景有文化的团长 （ A leader with sophiscated background and culture )

Cold city boy from beijing

Engineering student!!! from Nanjing University of Aeronautics & did masters in glasgow uni!!!!!! V v v smart!!!

Great english, British accent sorta ( listen to him speak x x )

HAS A CUTE FANG TOOTH

Will trade fatty meat for lean meat if u ask

TATTOOS (I THINK THERE’S A WOLF ONE, THE ONE W AN ANCHOR+OCTOPUS not sure though :c not enough HD pics to verify ;;)

Basketballlll

Wants to collab w eminem one day

Looks up to eminem, dr dre & ice cube

STEALS MU ZIYANG’S CLOTHES VERY OFTEN (there was this vid once when yue yue was choosing btwn 5 outfits and mu ziyang was like “can u at least put one of ur own outfits in the 5”)

Voted as naggy lmao (was asked by mu ziyang whether 1 ton of iron or 1 ton of cotton is heavier, and he talked to ziyang about it for 2 hrs about the question isn’t logical cause the experiment must be held in the same conditions, the air etc etc)

His hair is a birds nest & cannot be maintained + he uses the company’s hair dryer (which actually belongs to ling chao) to do his hair

Likes to eat everything, not picky with food :”) 

THE ONE THAT ALWAYS STEALS FOOD FROM OTHERS. 

DRAMA QUEEN 

became bufan’s “woman” in IP aft the gang initiation LOL

yue likes to have clothes with holes in weird places, so i think that’s why he always wears ziyangs’s clothes 

his underwear is still outside the window ledge/roof on their old qin dorm c: 

can drive!!! has a car!!!! drives a honda w a super cool license plate number ahah 

lmao wanted to set up an emergency fund for the himself and the boys because they are always getting their salary deducted HAHAH (+ it was said that ling chao has the most money bc he listens the best and is always on time)

plays the guitar!!! 

has a tentacle fetish lmao 

initially his dad wasn’t supportive of him becoming a trainee so he secretly went to idol producer without his dad’s knowledge (his dad didn’t even know what he was doing at qin ent) but rn his dad rlly supports him!! 

yue yue’s fans call themselves 岳妻 (yue yue’s wife) 

Mu ziyang

PROFESSIONAL MODEL

His real name is li zhenyang 李振洋 (94-liner) 

his stage name 木子洋 is cause his surname 李 is formed from 木子 then they added the 洋 ; KWIN

Fans call him 小懂事 ( which means something like a sensible kid )  

Walked in milan fashion week!!!!!! WALKED FOR MANY BRANDS!!!! THIS KING

FANS CALL HIM QIN’S CLOSET/SPONSOR :”)

Also said he managed to walk for the show that he most wanted to!!!!

WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL AS BUFAN (Beijing Institute of Fashion Technology) (and was schoolmates with dong yanlei) 

Scared of ghosts cause his mum used to tell him that ghosts will snatch him away if he misbehaves

says he isn’t of haunted houses, but then asks ling chao to hug him tightly when walking though it lmao

SCARED OF CRABS BC HE THINKS THEY ARE UGLY (this idiot lmao)

he’s scared of everything :)

PAID BUFAN 50 YUAN TO FEED HIM CRABS

LIKES TO DO “BUSINESS” ie trade stuff with ling chao so that ling chao will do his bidding

Rlly sad but mu ziyang got srsly sick during ip first evals and had to do iv drips until his hands were all bruised cause of the needle marks :c

Lmao this idiot thinks 3/6 > 3/5

wants to work with Leonardo DiCaprio

he can’t stand people sitting on his bed

“It’s not that the pyjamas are expensive, I’m expensive” 

Sang 越战越勇 on before!! 

lowkey was upset he didn’t get balloons on his birthday while yue yue got a wall of happy birthday + star balloons HAHAHA

roommates with yue in the qin dorm

threw yue’s underwear out the window bc yue forced it over his head :”) & its stuck right outside the roof at their old dorm

bought a tank for loaches/mudfish & only realised that it wasn’t meant for fishes after putting the decorations and water in it... 

apparently has a driving license 

once while driving a motorcycle, the battery died & he used a strangers phone to call yue yue. then yue yue had to come pick him up with his car. since he had the motorcycle, ziyang sat on the motorcycle and held on to the car handle & they drove back like that lmao

can play the piano!!!

THE ONE THAT DISSES LING CHAO 

THERE WAS THIS ONCE POST ON DOUBAN where mu ziyang bought ALL the buns from the convenience store & zhu xingjie came a while later and wast stuck at the store cause he had to wait until the next batch was ready lmao

Had a huge knee surgery during his trainee period :c (the boys also visited him in the hospital) + also sad bc qin3 went for a huge seafood feast at home when mu ziyang was stuck eating hospital food

before leaving the dorms he went with ling chao to the convenience store to buy food bc he says ling chao is kinda picky with his food so he doesn’t eat much & he isnt’t able to take care of him anymore now that he’s eliminated so he used up all his remaining money to buy food for him

after being eliminated, he and yue yue went to play HAHAHA

Bu fan

his real name is bu fanfan 卜凡凡 (96-liner)

the boys call him 凡子 (fan zi), where 凡 is from his name and 子 is a term of endearment :”) 

used bu fan as a stage name because he thinks bu fanfan is too cute lol; KATTO (PRONOUNCED AS KA-TOO)

192cm 对 cant play basketball though

LOVES DOGS, HUSKY

ACTUALLY DIDNT GRAD FRM SCHOOL YET :c he said his parents are pushing him to continue to study but nonetheless support him as an idol

HAS AN OLDER BROTHER (10 YEARS AGE GAP)

CLINGY

LOVES TO CRY ( crise a lot when doing stretching)

Voted most scared of pain

Once got caught eating a melon & got punished :c (+ he always steals melon from the fridge & doesn’t even close the refrigerator door afterwards...) 

Always late for work apparently until there’s no more salary to be detected

HIS ACTUAL MINK JACKET IS ACTUALLY JUST A BATHROBE

apparently owes ziyang money & gave him a rap perf for money lol

Once helped an old auntie neighbour buy a new phone bc hers was old and was about to spoil 

When asked if he likes girls with short hair or long hair, this boy said he doesn’t like any & likes computers instead lmao

He can’t stand low qualiy movies, it has to be in HD

when he becomes rich and successful, he’s going to help the manager xiao yu do some intense stretching lmao 

“ everytime bufan goes to the subway, the authorities will always check his ID ” - yueyue 

Has a wall of demoralising quotes back at the qin dorm ( iconic quotes include: “being ugly is a disease” & “the reason why you drink chicken soup is because other people have already ate the meat” & “all roads lead to rome, but some people are born in rome” )

“ 家爆脸 ”- zhou yanchen

HIGHKEY LOVES YUEYUE A LOT this sweet child tried his best to protect yue’s cake from being eaten cause he wanted yue to take a photo with it first ( in qin ent, it was said that the only way they get food is to snatch from others, so that cake was NOT safe with mu ziyang and ling chao around )

MORE INSTANCES OF HIS LOVE FOR YUEYUE, HE WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF IF U DISS HIS YUE :”) just look at bufan getting triggered when zhou rui mentioned about yue’s eye wrinkles

Also, he called yue yue disgusting cause yue yue didn’t come back at night & went to sleep in another trainees room ( he’s jealous )

Leader of a gang (current known members include ( xiao gui, fan chengcheng, yue yue & xu shengen) 

got tricked to eat a sichuan chilli by yue yue poor thing

KING OF SEAFOOD 

once a deliveryman misread his name as 小凡凡 (xiao fanfan) instead of 卜凡凡 (bu fanfan), then got dissed by the mu ziyang saying “omg why do u call yourself that” 

I think bufan has a habit of saying the word 对 (dui) after a sentence, its pretty cute :”)

according to ziyang, bu fan thinks he’s the smartest in the group 

has a habit of calling people 宝宝 (baobao) & 宝贝 (baobei) which means baby/babe

outed yue yue as the only one that wears mu ziyang’s clothes (when asked if mzy was really qin’s closet, he said that our group has 4 people, ling chao and I never wear mzy’s clothes)

Ling chao

His real name is li yingchao 李英超 (01-liner)

his stage name came about bc if u say his real name really fast ‘李英 (li ying) will sound like 灵 (ling) ; DIDI (lmao when he’s old he’s still going to be called didi)

call him 弟弟 (di di; little brother) or  小王子 (little prince)

Loves his candies & would probably fight u for it

Hides candies in so many diff places/compartments lmao

got a toothache bc of said candy

sings really well!!!! 

SAYS HIS FAV CELEBRITY IS 黄晓明 (& angelababy)

HAS A YOUNGER SISTER BUT THINKS HE’S STILL THE PRETTIEST IN THE FAMILY

Receives the most love from the other boys :”) ( they have a rule where the plate with the most meat goes to him )

roommates with bu fanfan

Always seen with mu ziyang ( the true otp )

Doesnt like meat with fats

CAN DO SPLITS!!!!!!! & ALSO SPLITS WHILE DOING A HEADSTAND

HAS THE NICEST LOOKING EYES

is an idiot. he went to a korean restaurant & told ziyang that the “spicy cabbage” wasn’t tasty and he preferred kimchi instead. BUT THEY ARE THE SAME THING. 

he likes white roses

likes cats!! 

likes to scare chickens (& got scolded for it)

during break time, he has to memorise Chinese vocabulary ( and is taught by the company’s ceo!!!!!!)

i think he sticks with ziyang the most! ;; (obvs they are the superior ship)

BROUGHT ZIYANG TO SEE THE TALKING TRASH BIN JUST TO MAKE ZIYANG SCARED. 

shittiest luck HAHAHA (bufan+lingchao team and yueyue+ziyang team had to draw lots to see who gets to sleep in the room and who sleeps outside in the living room, and ling chao always loses)

GETS DISSED FOR HAVING NARROW SHOULDERS 

printed his own picture on a pillow then said it was “given by fans” 

had a writer/blogger/reviewer kind of site where he wrote stuff 

looks up to xukun and zhangjing the most in ip!

 “ if your 3 qin brothers become a girl, who would be your older sister, younger sister and girlfriend? ” LING CHAO: NONE BECAUSE ALL OF THEM ARE UGLY

GETS HIT BY ZIYANG A LOT LMAO 

ling chao’s fans are called 糖精 (tang jing; candy spirit) because of his love for candy

小于 (xiao yu)

BC221’s manager!!!!!!!!! (Also helps then stretch)

very sassy & playful

older than all of the qin boys ; had to work for 4 years before attending university

he’s almost always the camera man for bc221′s trainee life videos!!!! (its either him or bowen)

Came off as a little mean in the video where the boys were stretching :c but honestly he just rlly wants the best for them

Stays with the boys in their qin dorm!!!!!!

Went to the same university with mu ziyang!!! (& says mu ziyang stole his snacks, face masks, shoes, clothes, socks etc); they probably graduated the same time cause they were classmates! 

Sometimes ppl call him 小鱼 (yu) ( word play; means little fish ) & mu ziyang called him 热带鱼 (tropical fish)

When yue yue got in trouble for playing computer games, he called xiao yu handsome and he laughed & immediately stop scolding yue yue LOL

yueyue likes to diss him lmao 

Gives ling chao sweets!!! (doesn’t give bufan and yueyue bc they apparently dont listen to him lmao) 

said to bufan : “IS BEING TALL EVERYTHING??? HUH???”

“we always get scolded by our manager, the first day would pass by normally but then on the 2nd day we would get scolded” - yueyue & bufan

“excuse you? what was that about your manager scolding you everyday? its called a heart to heart talk” 

a fan sent pig feed to the company & he said he was going to save it to give to the boys as a birthday present

WROTE MU ZIYANG IS THE UGLIEST AND LEFT IT FOR ZIYANG TO FIND 

yue yue calls him 小于帅 a lot. 

followed yue yue to his home to visit lao yue’s mum :”) helped yue yue carried the luggage up the stairs

went Thailand with yue yue and mu ziyang after eliminations!

got dragged by bu fan into the toilet  (bu fan said it was xiao yu that pushed him inside but there’s video evidence HAHAHA)

Sadly no longer part of QIN’s entertainment anymore

博文 (Bowen)

lives with the boys apparently

Shorter than the qin4 and xiao yu ahaha if you see the video angle being lower compared to others, then its bowen filming (fans call it the girlfriend angle lmao) 

I think he’s qin’s video editor/photographer!

currently now part of qin’s one man subbing team rip bowen

passive aggressively posting on weibo whenever xiao yu posts updates on their Thailand adventure bc they didn’t bring him along hahahah

he has a cat called 棉裤 (cotton pants), mu ziyang hates this cat because 棉裤 always climbs on his bed

[kurainburdened]

RULES: tag ten followers you want to know better! TAGGED BY: @dragonwilled​ TAGGING: @prosequies​ @programbound​

NAME: Diana or Didi! STAR SIGN: Pisces HEIGHT: 5′2″ WHAT’S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Faith

PUT YOUR MUSIC ON SHUFFLE. WHAT ARE THE FIRST 4 SONGS THAT POPPED UP?

Pokemon Born to be a Winner

I am damaged Heathers

No one Mourths the Wicked- Wicked

Breathe- Bandstand

GRAB THE BOOK NEAREST YOU AND TURN TO PAGE 23. WHAT’S LINE 17?

突っ込もうと思うったけど、遅刻したあたしわるい。ここはグッとこらえて

EVER HAD A POEM OR SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU?

lol nah I cant imagine that happening to me

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED AIR GUITAR?

JEEEZ. Maybe last year? Lol Im so self conscious that i cant even really let go in the privacy of my own room tbh.

WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?

oooof I feel weird crushing on like real celebrities. Which sounds weird but i just dont like the idea of liking someone i dont know anything about??? Im in love with like a lot of anime boys though lol. Saeyoung, P.hoenix W.right, R.olo L.amperouge, Hori from gsnk, and Sugane from gatchaman. Snake from kuroshi and Reese from H.ustle Cat

WHAT’S A SOUND YOU HATE + SOUND YOU LOVE?

HATE: HIGH PITCHED BEEPING NOISES MAKE ME WANT TO SCRATCH MY EARS 

LOVE:  My friends voices after I haven’t heard them in awhile. The Violin. Rain against my window, the sound of a crosswalk thing telling you you can walk, The sound of a time when youre baking, the sound of my little brother laughing

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? YEAH. LIKE A LOT. ive seen a ghost before. it was freaky because it was night time with my little brother and he neede dme to go with him to get water and we jsut walked through the living room in the dark and suddenly the ligths turned on and we were like. Oh my parents up. Then I looked over at the light switch and there was this black human shaped mist  by the light switch that slowly dissipated. sooo idk what that was about HOW ABOUT ALIENS? yeah I mean the universe is so big! They have to be out there somewhere. Idk if theyre like ooh ufos and all that but something out there has to be living beside us DO YOU DRIVE? Yeah but it STRESSES ME OUT. Im super adhd so like. OH MAN ONE TIME I WAS DRIVING AT NIGHT ON JULY 4TH AND THE FIREWORKS WERE GOING OFF AND I WAS LIKE. : D im probably going to die IF SO, HAVE YOU EVER CRASHED? ....yeah.... i still have nightmares about ti honestly. It wasn’t like some sort of flashy showy crash I really didnt expect it to affect me this much.  WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS AND ITS MY FAVORITE BOOK SERIES OF ALL TIME DO YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE? Ish. yeah WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? Iol I cant even rememebr wha tI had for breakfast yesterday WHAT’S THE WORST INJURY YOU’VE EVER HAD? I broke my arm which SUCKED cause im A REALLY SPORTY PERSON SO I WORKED OUT WITH MY CAST ON. which was stupid and dangerous because they said if it was just a little worse id need surgery and if i fell on it even with the cause id definitely need it. but it also meant that when i took of my cast it STUNK DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSIONS RIGHT NOW? aa games, Maya fey is my current hyper fixation, but the cultural differences in pokemon ranger region to pokemon trainer regions, ummm OH OH MARUMOFUBIYORI DO YOU TEND TO HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE YOU WRONG? NO. unfortunately. i wish i could. for the life of me i wish i could. I wish i could hate people who hurt me in horrible and messed up ways that can still make me cry when i think about it years later. but i just...cant and it feel so bad cause its like. STOP CARING ABOUT THEM @ ME. you know theyre bad for you but i just cant stop myself ya know??? idk.... IN A RELATIONSHIP? nope! Never have been! But thats fine with me tbh. When I think about it its hard to love someone more than I love all the friends I have n my lfe anyway lol

[iloveyounojutsu]

All Of Them for the ask meme. or whatever ones u wanna do kaskkaskj

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?CLOSED

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?not really

3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?i think in??

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?oh for sure i actually compulsively do things like that so my sister has to stop me sometimes

5: Do you like to use post-it notes?nope

6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?YEAH

7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?bees i think

8: Do you have freckles?nope!

9: Do you always smile for pictures?nope

10: What is your biggest pet peeve?genuinely cruel people

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?i used to

12: Have you ever peed in the woods?nope

13: What about pooped in the woods?that’s my sexy sweet secret (no)

14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?oh yes

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?sometimes

16: How many people have you slept with this week?none in my life

17: What size is your bed?medium

18: What is your Song of the week?https://youtu.be/D2uLAWhFcuI , heard it in an edit and i cant get it out of my head? also https://youtu.be/b7cls_NxM1U

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?yeah

20: Do you still watch cartoons?yeah

21: Whats your least favorite movie?i hate old movies :/ stuff like little rascal and things like that idk so probably those

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?i wouldn’t bury it

23: If you’re a girl, bra size? If you’re a guy, pants size?i have no idea i think a 34C it’s what this one says

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?nothing

25: What is your favorite food?OYSTERS

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?Room

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?no one

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?hell no

29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?fuck yeah if i was getting good pay

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?when i wrote a letter to you for your package

31: Can you change the oil on a car?no i’m gay

32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket?i’m gay dont drive

33: Ever ran out of gas?actually yeah on a highway my mom was driving

34: Favorite kind of sandwich?turkey w mayo cheese n pickles

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?cereal or a nutella pancake

36: What is your usual bedtime?LOL

37: Are you lazy?yes

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?nothing really, my parents never bought me actual costumes.

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?i have no idea

40: Are you horny?i’m cumrag is that even a question

41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions?nope

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?lego’s

43: Are you stubborn?yes

44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman?don’t know them

45: Ever watch soap operas?yep! not intentionally just there’s always a novella on somewhere here

46: Are you afraid of heights?quite

47: Do you sing in the car?yeah

48: Do you sing in the shower?sometimes

49: Do you dance in the car?yes

50: Ever used a gun?yes

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?not sure actually

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?i don’t like musicals actually!

53: Is Christmas stressful?quite!

54: Ever eat a pierogi?JFKFKDK idk what that is

55: Favorite type of fruit pie?… does pumpkin pie count

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?archeologist

57: Do you believe in ghosts?no

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?yes

59: Take a vitamin daily?nope!

60: Wear slippers?nope

61: Wear a bath robe?no

62: What do you wear to bed?leggings and a sweatshirt usually

63: First concert?i’ve never been to one!

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?WAL MART

65: Nike or Adidas?ooo tie

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?cheetos for sure

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?FUCK that’s hard peanuts

68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?no

69: Ever take dance lessons?yeah! i used to take ballet and was also in a dance club at school (lol i cant dance though actually)

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?whatever job you said you wanted!

71: Can you curl your tongue?yeah

72: Ever won a spelling bee?JDKFKFKFKFK i have a bad history with spelling bees i’ve never been in one cause i could never spell properly (i spelt teeth theeth out loud cause i cant spellfnfjkdkd)

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?YES

74: Own any record albums?no

75: Own a record player?no

76: Regularly burn incense?no

77: Ever been in love?am right now!

78: Who would you like to see in concert?big time rush, no joke

79: What was the last concert you saw?never seen one

80: Hot tea or cold tea?i actually dislike tea fkfkfkfkkd ive never found one i liked

81: Tea or coffee?coffee though i drink neither

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?sugar

83: Can you swim well?i think so yes

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?yes

85: Are you patient?mostly no but i can be if it depends

86: DJ or band, at a wedding?dj

87: Ever won a contest?HDJDNN i’m not sure

88: Ever have plastic surgery?no but i do want to in the future just need $9000

89: Which are better black or green olives?oooof i think green

90: Can you knit or crochet?nope

91: Best room for a fireplace?living room?

92: Do you want to get married?yeah!

93: If married, how long have you been married?not married, but me and you have been dating for over three months now

94: Who was your HS crush?technically you

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?GGFJFJFJKD SOMETIMES DONT CALL ME OUT

96: Do you have kids?my dog

97: Do you want kids?sure i guess!

98: Whats your favorite color?red, also deep green

99: Do you miss anyone right now?you ;; also my friend in colorado