#also also I really want to make an Aloy cosplay but Idk which costume to use. I loathe the idea of working with furs so I'm leaning towards | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kyandice · 8 years ago

Text

I HATE SCHOOL

Im just prolly writing all my thoughts I’m having everyday.

Smol print: This is a post which i might edit everyday if i have the time, and its technically a very cheesy dairy.

(10/01/2017)

Maybe i just cant study at all. My PEM is now teaching me a module this semester and he’s asking me to pay more attention during classes. Thing is, i dont even talk in class. I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate in class but i just dont understand any fucking thing. Seems like i failed CEP and Mr Herman wants to meet me after PEM class.

Lol, and i wanted to skip PEM class so Bryan doesnt have to wait that long for me. And lmao idk where i placed my contact lens (it wasnt even in my bag). Without my contact lens im not gg to Tkd training. I hope my lenses are somewhere at home PLEASE. It would take me another 2 weeks for me to get my contacts after ordering it.

Okay whatever, back to me not being able to concentrate in class. So yeah, i just dont understand anything and i end up staring into blank space or maybe start daydreaming. I think i failed Inorganic Chem and Math too. Idk im just worried for myself and my GPA. ok no, im mot worried about myself. Im more worried about me failing 2 or more modules and my PEM has to meet my parents, it’s gna be a disaster. Im so gna be fucked up. I just have no motivation for everything else.

Its really hard juggling a relationship, studies and CCAs too. Okay, for my situation, it isn’t really that bad. But maybe after a long run, im really worried that it might turn out bad someday. Im like typing this as I’m nearly breaking down in lecture and im holding myself so hard back to stop tearing up. Maybe im just too fucking paranoid, i think too much i just overthink too much and i hate it, it screws me up. People ask me what i would actually do if he starts getting cold again. Maybe I’ll miss him too much and start getting detached from everything and stop having the motivation to study or do anything in particular altogether. But for now, he’s always waiting for me for like hours just to spend the time with me after classes and i feel really, really fucking bad.

Anyways, U talked to me about his break up that happened a few months ago with J. And apparently, he lost feelings. But he also mentioned that J was really insecure as well, he had alot exes and yeah J was just alittle paranoid and insecure that U might just be playing. (idk why im like writing this maybe i just had to divert my mind somewhere else so i wouldnt cry in lecture) but yeah, U assured J that he was genuine and sincere but J was really guarded and apparently U was starting to get tired of assuring her. So she got paranoid and yea. Then U told me not to get too clingy and obsessive as he might get annoyed by it someday. He might think that it’s cute and sweet now, but someday he might get annoyed and U said that i wouldnt want someone to call me disgustingly clingy and obsessive after breaking up.

So yayyyy, im like really really really really happy these few weeks. He has been really extremellllyyyy sweet to me, he’s treating me really well too. He has been starting to say that he loves me like really constantly and its just reaaaaly reaaaaly sweet. And we had deep talks yay. Ive always suspected that he might some family issues as he always tried to avoid questions about them. But i never wanted to ask him like, i mean, if he wanted and was ready to tell me, he would have. So yay he finally told me idk i just wna hug him forever he’s so precious and vulnerable actually.

(okay fuck there was a 10min break i ran from chemical life science block to training ground and he wasnt there😭😭😭😭😭 so i ran back to science block i was like 1min late but class havent started so thank god. His phone has no battery and he has nothing to do for 2h maybe more cuz i have to meet PEM fuck i feel so bad i want to cry right now. He doesnt have his phone charger so he has nothing to do for 2h and there isnt anyone on training ground so he’ll be alone :(( no i feel fucking bad i want to cry so badly right now, i should’ve asked him to just go home. Now idk where he is im worried that he’s gna be very bored waiting for me fuck)

Gosh i think he went home already. But like if he went home shouldnt his phone have battery. Where is heeee :(( im so worried right now. Where could he actually beeeee :(((( okay imma hunt for him in school. He isnt at south and north canteen. Okay maybe library. He’s not at the library either. Okay maybe he went home and slept but didnt charge his phoneeee :/ shouldnt have asked him to wait for me. Should have just asked him to go home.

So yayyyyy he didnt went home, and actually waited for me. Okay thank god he wasnt alone, he was with raph and a few othr tkd ppl. I was so gna be worried that he might be alone with his phone battery flat, doing nothing. But i guess he was alrighttt.

I want a lip product. Idk lip tint, lipstick, liquid lipstick. idk i just want one. Like i want one red not those bright red, but like orangey lighter kind of shade red.

Fuck, my stye isnt curing. There’s like 2 styes in my left eye.Its sucks, it looks really ugly and digusting. I really hope it gets cured soon.

Apparently, Mr Lee asked Vincent about my bad grades. Lee asked vin like if he knows why my grades are like so bad. And Vin was like, oh, maybe becuz of r/s. But actually it isnt, i have been having bad grades since last sem. Idk i just have no motivation to do anything, i dont understand lectures and tutorials. All i want to do is to breakdown and cry in school everyday.

Okay, so about my contact lenses, it isnt at home. I just couldnt find it. Ive went through all my bags in my room for at least the 5th time already and still i cant find my contact lens. Guess ive lost it. I could have like worn it for another 2 months, god damn it. Now i have to order a new one, and wait for around 2-3weeks for my lens to arrive.

Y’all might actually ask why i feel insecure without my contact lens. Okay yay let’s start. I might have or might have not mentioned about the guys in my secondary school but yeahhhhh. They are a bunch of idiots which i would probably hold a grudge on them forever. Yes i hold on to grudges pretty long. Apparently the guys in my class hated me so they’ve always teased me and idk i just hated them so much. Okay I dont wanna say that im bullied, it just sounds so weird and idk, i dont people to think that im making a fuss by calling them bullies. But yeah they laugh whenever i answer a teacher’s question, teased me for being ugly, insulted me for alot of things, laughed at me for alot of things too. But ever since i switched to contacts, people started treating me better. Okay, its stupid to think that with contacts, people will treat me better. Maybe, coincidentally the guys in my class have matured when i switched to contacts. So, ever since, i had this thought drilled into my mind that contacts made me look better, and people treat better looking people much better. I mean at first, i thought i was just being silly. Then i started to try things out. I was out with some gatherings from the cosplay community and yeah, they were all strangers. When i’m with my glasses, no one came to talk to me and i wasnt treated as well as when i was wearing my contact lens. When i wore my contact lens, more people were interested to talk to me, i had more attention from people and yeah, i was just treated so much better than i was wearing my glasses. It wasnt the first time something like this happened. I’ve tried many times to different group of strangers and it always seems that wearing contact lenses made people treat me better. It’s kinda silly and childish for me to think like this but ever since ive gotten contacts, i had it drilled in my mind that that it’s how people work. People treat you better when you are better looking. I also felt less insecure and much more confident about myself everytime i wore my contacts. And idk i’ve been depending on contacts ever since to boost up my super low self-esteem.

So If i dont wear contacts in front of you, that would probably mean either. 1) Im very comfortable with you, i trust you alot and i see no problem wearing just glasses and looking unglam in front of you. Or 2) you mean nothing to me, i dont care about you. Examples for 1) would be Roy, Vin ,Zane, Aloy, Alfie, Daina, Alicia. I mean i really trust Roy and the rest alot, they’re really good friends and they have seen me with glasses outside training before. Examples of 2) would be my classmates or just random people in the lecture hall. But for B, im like really comfortable and i trust him alot, but i also wna look good in front of him so i try to have my contacts on everytime i meet him.

So like many people keep asking why i quitted cosplay so here are the reasons. But lmao nobody knows my tumblr, im writing everything here just to rant stuff, nobody would even read it anyways. Actually i quit cosplay for a few reasons. I hate it when people used to remind me that i cosplay. Well, sure, i might have kept some pictures left of some certain cosplays. But that is because the picture taken was really nice and i really wna safekeep it. One reason was money lol. I dont have money to actually buy all the costumes and props and those bullshits are fucking expensive, its just seriously a waste of my precious money. Another reason was, it wasnt really socially acceptable, people find me weird, a creep,idk. I used to be really proud and optimistic about cosplaying since it’s actually a very special hobby, but i guess some things are really hard if people always tease you about cosplaying as it is not very socially acceptable. And since cosplaying also require alot makeup, i can cut down cost on my make up, so yayy i still can save more money.

Today with Bryan was just amazing.Okay everyday with him is just fking amazing. Apparently there wasnt any movie to watch because i might go over my curfew but yayyy we actually just sat down at the swing and just talked. Sounds typical, but he loves me when i cant love myself. He’s the best thing that could ever happen to me and maybe waiting for him was actually all really worth it. I’m really an insecure person and he always has to assure me that im beautiful, gorgeous and adorable to him. He’s really the most sweetest and romantic things ever and it’s just really extremely cute. Even i get annoyed everytime i feel insecure about myself. I Love Him sooooo much i would never want to lose him. Omg this is getting fucking cheesy HAHA.

Let’s talk about money. I’m in debt. I owe so many people money i feel really bad. I dont really wish to have squabbles with friends over money, like seriously, it’s fucking stupid. I want to stop borrowing from people, i dont want to make this into a really bad habit.

i wanna cry so bad :(

0 notes