#also a zaynapocalypse psrty huh

[1ddotdhq]

🎊 Wed 13 Jan ‘21 👾

Zayn had a party (in a storage unit?), Liam has a podcast, Niall still likes golf, and Louis is calling out shitty politicians! Meanwhile, Jason Sdksksks is trying his damndest to win back his lady love from the nefarious Mr. Styles’ wiley ways. Yes, yes, it’s all very dramatic, so let’s get started!

Alright, clearly Zayn had the zarty of the YEAR last night as we got oodles and oodles of pictures of, uh, Zayn-themed party decorations that would be very on brand for any twelve year old stan but honestly I CANNOT imagine him wearing party hats with...his face on them cut out Mishapocalypse-style. I mean, he would still look like a ting, of course, but a very odd ting, especially when mixed with his own personalized Bode jacket that matches Harry’s personalized Bode Vogue pants, with their own twist: the Nobody Is Listening cover art, weed, Star Wars, 993, and some others! We know it was at Gigi's apartment building thanks to the many pap pics of the games and balloons being brought around (trust Zayn to find every way to get papped other than his actual face) but wow does it look like the whole thing was set up in some kind of....industrial storage unit? Odd, but points for social distancing, I guess? The party mastermind, Gigi, bought him a FIFA-inspired birthday cake (more on FIFA later), and they played retro video games that I haven’t seen since *I* was twelve, and drank orange juice looking cocktails. She also posted a picture of herself and Zayn all dressed up as some video game characters, captioned, “Team No Sleep! Happiest of birthdays to our Zaddy baba. So special. Love you long time, and thank you for making me a mama to the best girl ever”. Well, it looks to me like they’ve been getting plenty of sleep - they look bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready for a playground party. Honestly, thinking about it, maybe the theme *was* “twelve year old who likes zayn and video games”....And there’s still MORE news, party people! Apparently, ZAYN is taking on the role of host for three virtual album listening parties. There’s no zoom, and no video, but on Jan 15, 19, and 21, we can all sit in a chat room and listen to the album together. It’s free for everyone, and hopefully he shows up, so see y’all there!

So onto the FIFA section of the update, of which I know nothing about, but give me a few months and Liam will teach me all about it in his NEW FIFA PODCAST! What??? What happened to that Sabbatical Leeeyummm???? Clearly, it’s gonna have to wait for a bit because for the months of January and February, he’s going to be hosting an eight episode podcast (co-hosted by SkyHost sports broadcaster Jaydee Dyer and in collaboration with Universal Music Group), which premiered TODAY! Surprise!! Someone get *this* man a FIFA cake! The podcast will pair star players and musicians and aims to “make football truly global, accessible and inclusive”, which to me just means we’re gonna get a bunch of fun bts stories from Liam and other artists like we did today! He tells us some pre-show 1D rituals (‘making Harry say funny shit in silly voices’ and ‘throwing gummy bears in each others mouths’) and about his own relationship with music (“amazing how music can lift your mood out of anything”) and songwriting (“it can come many ways”). Also, he has a huge crush on Tom Hardy, but that’s not special, I, too, watched Venom and fell head over heels for that Man!

Another man I’m head over heels for: Louis! He showed up on twitter INCENSED about the Health Secretary of Britain and his evasive tactics on the question of free school meals. Piers Morgan (ugh) took on the Health Secretary (UGH) and asked if he regretted voting against the extension of free school meals in Britain, noting that, had it not been for Marcus Rashford’s excellent campaign, this would have gone unresolved and children would have gone hungry. The Health secretary, gusano ligoso that he is, just said, “I’m really glad the situation has been resolved”. Louis clearly feels the same way I do about that cockroach that is unfit to call himself a man, and said, “This is disgusting. What an evasive coward! Hold your hands up and take responsibility!” Louis then retweeted Marcus Rashford’s tweet calling for a full review of a Free School Meal system across the UK. One more FIFA cake for these two, please!

And the Fauxlivia saga continues (sans astrologers today, sorry!) Elle magazine printed that Jason Sudeikis (Sdksksks from here on out) is “desperate to win Olivia back to repair their family” and is “hoping that...Harry will get bored and move on before too long”. Mhmmm, well, don’t worry, darling! The stars say that you’ll have your family back by June (apparently! but COVID related delays may apply) so just hold on for a bit! Harry, meanwhile, is...MIA but liking Arlo Park’s cover of Watermelon Sugar, which was, frankly, captivating and gorgeous, and Lizzo’s gorgeous post captioned, “the bar is high when you’re the reference”. And, discourse would like you to know she made a mistake yesterday, Jeff's quote about how soothing someone's presence was was about Kid Harpoon, not Harry, though we’re sure H has a soothing presence, too! I mean, just look at the power his text messages hold!