#also a reminder to never ever ever look at replies and comments related to taylor i feel sick ☺️

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[theadventurousdork]

Dani Clayton and Jamie Taylor: A scene by scene study on the dynamism of a queer romance

by theadventurousdork

Well, here we are! An unnecessarily long essay breaking down Dani and Jamie’s scenes together that I decided to write purely for the fact that they have taken a hold of my queer little heart and haven’t given it back yet. Grab some awful tea or coffee and take a read, if you’d like! 

Episode One

In this episode, we see Dani and Jamie meet for the very first time. This is the beginning of them and their story. It all starts in the kitchen of Bly Manor where a dirt covered Jamie walks in just in time for the residents of Bly to gather for an afternoon lunch.

“The gardener didn’t even introduce herself to the new au pair. She barely acknowledged her at all. Simply treated her as if she’d always been there. The others in the room just assumed they’d already met, which, if she were honest, was how the au pair felt when she first saw the young woman.”

Jamie walks in without even batting an eye to the new guest meanwhile, we see a soft eyed Dani looking over at the gardener with a gaze that gives the audience the first look to the gravitational pull that seems to be set between them. With Dani explaining her belief that she has seen someone on the parapet of the old wing, Jamie’s reaction is cold. She looks down at the table with a hardened look. She looks almost hurt. We learn later on that Jamie was the first adult resident of Bly to find the dead body of Rebecca Jessel floating in the lake of the manor which has probably resulted in trauma for Jamie as she remembers her late friend. With Owen and Hannah also finding the possibility of someone being on the balcony to be slim, the residents carry on with their meal. As the introduction to Jamie’s character, we are able to see her cold and guarded exterior. However, we also see her wit and humor as she comfortably pokes fun at Miles and Flora. The space she takes when she walks into a room isn’t empty for she fills it with her bold personality and Dani immediately takes notice of this yet she doesn’t show any hint of openly acknowledging it. 

Episode Two

Episode two sheds a different light on the pairing. This episode gives us the first look at Dani’s trauma and the weight that she’s feeling on her conscience. But first, we see her changing the tide at Bly as she puts Miles and Flora to work in the garden as punishment for locking her in a closet. As Dani and the children pull weeds, a relaxed Hannah and Jamie watch from a distance just as Owen offers them drinks. As the trio sip on their gin and tea, they discuss Dani and how her presence is a nice addition to the grounds of Bly. This is where something I call “testing of the waters: part one” occurs. Jamie asks Owen if he thinks that Dani’s pretty before continuing to poke fun at his inability to answer. Now this seems rude, especially considering Hannah’s negative reaction to it even going as far as to remind her that romances don’t fare well at Bly. However, I feel like Jamie does this purposefully to see if Owen would provide any reaction that would indicate that he would have any intent of pursuing Dani, which he quickly shuts down as he states that he only has eyes for Hannah. Jamie’s choice to do this can boil down to a simple poking of fun or maybe something more in terms of her trying to understand, and maybe even deny, the gravitational pull that she’s feeling towards Dani by deflecting it to Owen. 

This episode also offers the first glimpse into Jamie’s humanity and her deeply empathetic nature. As a distressed Dani storms outside in tears after being triggered from seeing her dead ex-fiancé’s glasses, our favorite gardener comes to the rescue with buckets in hand. Now this is probably the first time that Dani has physically seen Edmund���s glasses since she packed them away before leaving Bly which can explain her intense reaction to finding Flora wearing them. The part to highlight about this interaction between Jamie and Dani isn’t the fact that Jamie tries to console her but is the way that she does so. First and foremost, the gardener tries to make au pair laugh. She makes multiple attempts in her dialogue to make Dani crack the slightest smile. Jamie’s dialogue saying, “there we are,” after Dani finally gives into the attempted jokes shows how laughter was Jamie’s initial goal. 

“How else do you think I keep all these fucking plants watered? With my endless well of deep inconsolable tears. That’s how. It’s what got me the job in the first place.” 

After she accomplishes this, she goes on to relate to Dani by telling her that she cries several times a day in an effort to make Dani feel normal and not alone in her vulnerable state. To see someone as cold and guarded as Jamie admit to something like this quickly humanizes her and puts her in the position of becoming a dynamic character. Finally, Jamie tells the au pair that she’s doing a great job and leaves a smiling Dani to watch her as she leaves. This offers insight to how Jamie doesn’t like seeing people in distress. She radiates a grounding energy and puts it upon herself to ensure that no one feels like they’re in over their head. 

Dani is able to return the favor as she finds an angry Jamie kneeled over a massacre of her rose bushes. Jamie’s hotheaded attitude is shown as she wastes no time getting up to confront Miles for cutting her roses before they were ready. The point to highlight in this moment is that Dani hears her out. Dani listens to Jamie’s grievances and not once tells her that she’s overreacting. Dani hasn’t known Jamie for long but she knows the importance of plants to the gardener and she doesn’t give Miles a pass at ruining something that matters so much to her. Having two separate scenes showing that each half of the pair have the power to talk each other down regardless of having known each other long, serves as a taste as what’s to come for their journey together. 

Episode Three

Here we see “testing of the waters: part two” as the keepers of Bly watch over a sleeping Miles and Flora by a crackling fireplace. A tired Hannah rests her head on Owen’s shoulder as Dani and Jamie watch from across the room. Jamie goes onto ask Dani if she wishes she were leaning on Owen instead of Hannah and explains how every woman in town fawns over Owen without him even knowing it. This key moment goes hand in hand with Jamie’s testing of the waters in episode 2 when she tests Owen’s potential attraction to Dani to now testing to see if Dani would be interested in Owen. Jamie’s subtle comments allow her to see the odds of Dani liking Owen without risking any awkward interaction that would potentially be too invasive. With Owen being the only man in the house, it’s understandable for Jamie to want to see if Dani would pursue him which in turn would signal that Dani may not be interested in someone like her.

What comes next is what I like to believe is the moment that Jamie begins to fall for Dani and I mean really fall for her. The conversation about love and possession is beautifully done and sets the distinction that will go onto separate Peter and Rebecca from Dani and Jamie. After a vindictive history lesson on the toxicity of Peter and Rebecca’s relationship, Jamie mentions the idea of loving someone versus possessing someone to which Dani replies that she doesn’t believe should be possible. The effect of this is seen on Jamie’s face as she looks at Dani. It’s a face that says that she’s staring at someone who understands. Understands the fragility of love and the thin lines that separate healthy versions of love from toxic ones. It happens in the span of a second but we can see a switch click in Jamie’s mind just before she breaks her gaze. From what we collect of Jamie’s past a few episodes later, we come to understand that she has always been owned. Stemming from a broken home and growing up in the foster care system, Jamie has always been someone else’s possession to claim ownership of but never was truly loved and nurtured. To hear someone finally understand that there’s a distinction between loving someone versus feeling like they have the right of possessing them, must feel like a moment of overdue comfort. 

After a restless night due to seeing Edmund’s ghost again, Dani wakes up the following morning to see Jamie asleep on the couch. This scene lasts merely thirty seconds so why make the choice to keep it in? What significance does it really hold? Is there any significance at all? For me, the significance is comfort. I feel like there’s a level of comfort that Dani feels when she realizes that Jamie was just down the stairs as she laid awake the night prior feeling as if she were alone in the depths of her own shadows. 

The new day ends in the tragic news that Owen’s mom has passed away. After a sympathetic Hannah sends Owen off and leaves to light a candle for the deceased, the gardener and au pair are left to give their own goodbyes to each other. As Dani voices that she’s glad that Jamie stayed on the grounds throughout the day and the night prior, Jamie agrees and the two share an uninterrupted gaze at one another. Here is where we see Dani’s first advance as she takes hold of Jamie’s hand. Ever so slightly does Jamie latch back before Dani quickly pulls away. 

“Who the hell knew?”

Those words leave Jamie’s mouth as a mixture of relief and shock paint her face as she gets into her car. Dani watches her drive away with an expression that reads “did I really do what I think I just did?” This moment is cut short as she turns around to see Edmund’s ghost staring blankly from behind her. Fear overcomes Dani and a scream is let out as Edmund gets sucked backwards by an invisible force. Up until this point, Edmund’s ghost has remained stagnant, either appearing in a reflection or in parts. This extreme motion of getting pulled backward into the manor can be read as a way to reflect the intensity of the emotions that Dani is feeling in that exact moment. The amount of tension that Dani must have felt to muster up the courage to reach for Jamie’s hand must have been extremely intense which in turn would evoke an intense manifestation of Edmund’s ghost. 

Episode Four 

Episode four is what I call the episode of guilt. In this hour, we delve deeper into Dani’s past and the darkness that she’s been holding in her heart. Dani’s life just before Bly is revealed and we see snippets of her life with Edmund. From childhood best friends to teenage lovers to getting engaged, Dani and Edmund almost seemed like the perfect set up to an 80s romcom. Almost is the key word here as it’s revealed that Dani breaks up with Edmund just before he storms out of their car into the path of an oncoming truck, killing him right in front of her thus revealing why Edmund is haunting her. Flashforward to Bly, Dani has begun to see Edmund’s ghost more and more. His first appearance in the episode is in Dani’s bedroom mirror just as Jamie helps unzip her dress. If it weren’t apparent in the episodes prior, Dani holds an immense amount of guilt. This guilt doesn’t only stem from being the reason why Edmund was killed but also lies in who she is. Edmund’s presence is symbolic for the guilt that Dani feels whenever she is just on the brink of exploring her sexuality. We see that every interaction that Dani has with Edmund’s ghost occurs just after she shares a moment with Jamie. With Jamie being a tangible representation of what Dani desires, her visions of Edmund become more intense and more frequent as her guilt increases. 

The episode continues to show Dani experiencing Edmund’s haunting again when Jamie arrives back to the manor after attending Owen’s mom’s funeral. Here we see Dani catching herself staring at Jamie from across the table. When Jamie catches her gaze, Dani retreats to the sink where we see a mixture of nervousness and excitement across Dani’s face as she looks over her shoulder to take one more look. This moment filled with butterflies and yearning is cut short as Edmund’s hands slide across Dani’s hips as she sees him in a reflection which causes her to panic. Edmund’s presence is growing closer and stronger as Dani has begun to navigate her feelings for Jamie.

In a flashback, we get a glimpse into possibly one of the first times that Dani’s internal conflict of her sexuality crosses her mind. As Dani gets a dress fitted, the female tailor makes flirtatious passes at her. We see Dani acknowledge these advances and isn’t opposed to them occurring. The scene switches to a guilt stricken Dani, her eyebrows furrowed above saddened eyes that wander upward to Jamie who’s helping prep the table for dinner. This quick glance up to Jamie holds so much. The internal turmoil that Dani is feeling in this moment is palpable. To think that all of her moments of repression have led up to this. This feeling of wanting. This feeling of yearning. To live openly and authentically as the person she’s always been.

Later that night, the keepers of Bly hold a bonfire to honor those that they’ve lost. A weight can be felt on the four as they remember their late loved ones by the warmth of the fire. The concept of found family lies in the heart of those who find a home at Bly and can be seen through Hannah and Jamie’s odes to the late Rebecca, Dominic, and Charlotte. 

“Because from here on in, the shadows get deeper… the nights get longer. We’re heading into the dark and we have to hang onto each other. So, we can only carry so much.”

As they commemorate who they’ve lost, Jamie mentions Dani and how she believes that Dani is the key to getting Miles and Flora back to themselves. A moment of pain rushes across Dani’s face as Jamie states how she believes that Dani is stronger than she thinks. To be in the midst of an internal conflict yet hear how someone believes in your strength can be something so painful to hear as you struggle to believe it yourself. We see Dani in a battle with herself as she fights to live authentically regardless of the guilt she’s carrying. 

Eventually, the gardener and the au pair break away from Owen and Hannah to go to the greenhouse. A pivotal moment in the growth of Dani and Jamie’s relationship occurs here when Dani makes the decision to lay everything out on the table for Jamie and finally explain her history with Edmund as well as sometimes seeing his ghost. 

“I’ve never told anybody that.”

These words that leave Dani’s mouth are so intimate and so vulnerable. Jamie takes what she’s being dealt and handles it with such a level of care that ensures that Dani knows that she’s being heard and respected. As we’ve seen Jamie talk Dani down from a breakdown in episode 2, we see a parallel here where Jamie takes it upon herself to make Dani laugh in an effort to console her. This moment is cut short as Dani musters the courage to ask the heartbreaking question that allows Jamie to make the decision whether to take or leave Dani and all of her baggage.

“Think I’m crazy?”

The pain in Dani’s face as she asks this shows just how scared she is to be rejected by the one person she wants the most. Without even a hint of hesitation, Jamie reassures her that nothing has changed in her view of Dani’s strength. A wave of relief comes over Dani as she’s hit her tipping point of acting upon the feelings she’s been suppressing all this time. She kisses Jamie and a moment of vulnerability is shown on Jamie’s face as she gets the confirmation that Dani is sure in her decision to do this. This moment is short lived by Edmund’s ghost appearing just behind Jamie, causing Dani to retreat in a panic. This is probably the worst cockblock in the history of cockblocks. Dani quickly retreats as Jamie mirrors her actions and immediately puts her walls back up as embarrassment sinks into them both in different directions. As the pair make it back to Hannah and Owen, Dani is visibly disappointed with how things ended up. Jamie’s comment of “it’s all good” as she guides Owen away from the bonfire shows how she would prefer to move on right away instead of confronting the confusing messages she’s just received from Dani. 

The final scene of the episode is what I like to call Dani’s last straw. Dani’s guilt has turned to anger as she makes the decision to confront her own shadows by throwing Edmund’s glasses into the bonfire. Flashbacks of kissing Jamie intercut the scene to really solidify Dani’s desires to move on and be able to freely love her without the burden of her past. 

“It’s just you and me then.”

Dani is tired. She’s waited for this moment. She’s finally accepted this part of her and she stares straight into Edmund’s ghost without any more fear. She’s found the strength to move on. 

Episode Six

The sponsor of this episode is cement as Dani and Jamie cement their relationship in this hour. The episode begins with Dani’s attempt at reconciliation after the unfortunate cockblock of a certain dead ex-fiancé in episode four. Dani wakes up at the crack of dawn to visit Jamie in her greenhouse. Dani’s entire existence in this moment is ridden with nervousness as she puts on her best “everything is normal” face. Jamie is quick to notice how out of character waking up this early is for Dani to which Dani dismisses. We see that Jamie’s cold and guarded exterior is back and for good reason considering the unfortunate events at the end of her and Dani’s last interaction.  Dani’s eagerness to patch things up puts her through several attempts at getting a reaction out of Jamie, each of which ends up being shut down. First is the gesture of giving Jamie coffee which results in her gently spitting it back into the cup. Next is Dani’s attempt at voicing how lonely she’s been.

“No Owen. No you.”

Dani’s voice drags on a little longer here to emphasize how Jamie’s absence the last few days have created a noticeable emptiness at the manor. Jamie responds with a simple “sometimes people wanna be alone” which seems like her own personal choice. However, Dani finally gets a reaction through Jamie’s icy exterior when she makes her laugh after a terrible attempt at a British accent. This mirrors the other instances prior where Jamie has made the effort to make Dani laugh in order to ease any emotional tension. After the ice has been broken, we see Dani’s first wind of confidence as she asks Jamie out to a boring ol’ date at a boring ol’ pub. We can see relief and a sense of pride strewn across Dani’s face when Jamie catches her drift. This marks the beginning of a fresh start for the two. 

The next time we see the pair is in the kitchen as Jamie surprises Dani by coming back to the manor after initially leaving.

“Made it halfway home and I thought ‘rough day, maybe Poppins might fancy a little boredom.’”

Dani’s shocked excitement quickly turns into awkward nervousness as Hannah and Owen wave them away to spend time together. Jamie gently takes Dani’s hand and guides her out of the room. This presents the reaffirmation that Jamie still cares enough to try again with Dani.  

The gardener leads the au pair somewhere off on the grounds of Bly to a secret area where moonflowers have bloomed. She explains how difficult they are to grow in England and how fragile their lifespan is. 

“That’s a lot of work for a flower that only blooms once.”

“That’s what people feel like to me. Exhaustive effort, very little to show for it.”

“All of them?”

“All of them. Even you. Even me… especially me.”

Jamie’s emphasis on herself shows her insecurity of not being enough after anyone makes the effort to break down her walls and gets to know who she really is. What follows is a tear-jerking speech that gives insight on Jamie’s past and her painful upbringing. From the details of her childhood like growing up in a broken home, being forced into foster care, and serving time in jail, we begin to understand why she puts such a strong, guarded front. The absence of a family unit in her youth and young adulthood has resulted in her feeling like she may be unlovable. Like she might not be worth the effort of loving. Just as Dani did in episode four, this is Jamie laying everything out on the table for Dani to decide whether or not she will take or leave Jamie and all of her baggage. After Jamie finishes her monologue, Dani gets up and doesn’t say a word. She takes hold of Jamie and kisses her. No words can alleviate the pain that Jamie’s endured but the effort of loving her can be a start. Dani pulls away for a brief moment to reveal a relieved Jamie smiling back at her after she has realized that Dani has chosen to accept her for everything that she is. 

The next scene they have together is the morning after Dani finally gets her first restful night’s sleep. 

“The au pair could not remember that last time she’d slept this well. And she thought perhaps she never had.”

The moment to highlight in this short scene is Dani stopping to look at herself in the mirror. She is finally able to see her truest self without being haunted of guilt. She smiles as she looks at her reflection and to a sleeping Jamie in the bed next to her. She’s finally made peace with herself. 

The final Dani and Jamie scene of the episode occurs at the end of the day just as Dani puts Flora to bed. Here we see the purity in the relationship that the two are creating. We see Dani unapologetically long for Jamie as she says she’s going to leave for the night. The au pair’s subtle look at the gardener’s lips as she speaks and the inching closer and closer to her shows just how high Dani’s confidence levels have risen to after being able to finally love freely. To see Dani in such a smitten state of mind is a breath of fresh air for not only herself but for us, the viewers, who have seen her in such a trapped state of mind when it comes to loving someone. The innocence of longing, in tandem of making the promise of spending other nights together, show how much care and caution they are taking in order to ensure that they’re building their relationship in a healthy manner. What they are both experiencing shows a trade off of what they each have to give to the other. Dani has accepted her sexuality, which is something that seems like Jamie has already done long ago. Meanwhile, Jamie is being loved and wanted, potentially for the first time which is something that Dani has already experienced in her past. Each half of the pairing offers support and guidance to the other as they begin their journey as a couple. 

Episode Nine

This final episode of the season was an absolute doozy in terms of Dani and Jamie’s relationship. I’ve watched all of these scenes a solid million times over and I bawl my eyes out every. damn. time. But I mopped up my tear-soaked notebook and carried on for the purpose of this essay. The episode picks up action as Flora sacrifices herself to save Dani from being dragged and choked to death by Viola, the Lady of the Lake. As Jamie and Owen arrive back at the manor after both having awful dreams, they briefly see Hannah as she says that they’re needed at the lake. Jamie bolts the second she hears Dani yelling. She knows Dani’s in trouble and wastes absolutely zero time trying to find her. Jamie yells Dani’s name and you can feel that her sense of urgency has one goal in mind: save Dani. 

“It’s you. It’s me. It’s Us.”

Viola has accepted the au pair’s offer. Besides Flora, Jamie is the only witness to see Dani’s last moment of belonging to only herself. From this point on, the darkness begins to fester deep within Dani’s soul and Jamie must live knowing that there was nothing that she could do as she watched Dani let part of herself go to let Viola in. Jamie runs into the lake as Dani’s trauma starts almost immediately. Her breathing is quickened, and she can’t stop repeating those final words that she felt deep in her bones. The gardener holds the au pair and takes one look at her as she already notices the effects of trauma. Dani’s darting eyes are panicked as she struggles to register that Jamie is there with her. Her breathing finally slows as Jamie holds her close in her attempts to calm her down. Jamie is Dani’s grounding force in this moment. Dani has finally freed the ghosts of Bly but at the cost of her own self. Her own life for the souls of the others. 

The following scene highlights the days following the incident at the lake, immediately starting with Jamie and Owen looking into the well to find Hannah’s dead body. I wanted to highlight this moment just for the sake of Jamie for she has been there to witness all the deaths of her loved ones firsthand. She was the first adult to find Rebecca in the lake, one of the first to find Hannah in the well, and the first to see Dani die in more ways than one. She just can’t seem to catch a break but after all… death is beautiful, it’s natural.

Jamie finds Dani as she packs away her things however, Dani’s mind appears to be somewhere else. Darkness has begun to burrow itself into Dani’s soul. She’s shaking. She’s terrified. She’s mourning the loss of herself. 

“I feel her. In here. It’s so quiet, it’s so quiet, but she’s in here. And this part of her that’s in here, it isn’t… peaceful.”

Dani explains how Viola’s presence feels like a beast waiting for her in a thick jungle. She feels hopeless again but this time feels heavier than all the rest. She has something to lose here now. She has a relationship with Jamie to lose, she has an entire life to lose. It isn’t as simple as feeling the guilt of losing someone or the guilt of loving someone. This feeling isn’t human, this feeling of dread goes beyond what the stages of grief entails. Where is she to go if she can’t go within herself to find peace? 

“She’s gonna take me.”

A tear falls down Jamie’s face as these heavy words fall out of Dani’s mouth. This is the first hint of Jamie losing Dani. The fear of the inevitable fills the room with such a weight that no words can alleviate Dani’s pain. Yet Jamie tries. She tries her damn best. She offers her company with the seal of a pinky promise. She gives all that she can offer: herself and her love. Dani’s feeling of darkness doesn’t have to be lonely this time. 

After a final goodbye to Henry, Miles, and Flora, the gardener and the au pair set off to start their lives together as the image of Bly fades away into the distance. Their life together starts at a diner as Jamie plans their course of action, hoping to end up in Vermont to see snow by Christmas. Here we see Dani looking at her own reflection in the tableside jukebox before stopping Jamie as she worries that they’re planning too far ahead. Dani’s cautious. She doesn’t want to get either of their hopes up. 

“One day at a time is fine by me. As long as those days are with you, Poppins. One day at a time is what we’ve got.”

There’s a brightness in these words which in turn reflect onto them. There’s a light in this moment that shows that they haven’t lost their footing yet. And thus begins the final climb to their highest point before the tragedy that lies ahead occurs. We flashforward to a year later to The Leafling, the flower shop that the pair have opened up together. Dani is still Dani and Jamie is still Jamie but more in love this time than the last time and the time before that. 

“You see, I’m not sick of you. At all. I’m actually pretty in love with you, it turns out.”

Here we see the reintroduction of the moonflower. The symbol of Jamie and Dani’s love. The last time we saw the moonflower was back when the pair finally made the choice to accept one another and start their relationship. This time, we see the moonflower one last time as Jamie chooses to solidify their love by finally breaking the big L word. 

A montage ensues of the gardener and the au pair’s life together. Years have passed and peace was just finally in their grasp. Or so it seemed. This feeling of fluttering innocence is put to a halt as Dani sees Viola’s reflection in the door of the flower shop. Dani stops in her tracks as she stares at the reflection, her face is still as she stands in a quiet shock. That is until she sees Jamie through the door, smiling at her with such a playful gaze. This instance shows yet again that Jamie is Dani’s grounding force even after all this time and Dani’s own reflection returns not even a second later. This is a moment for the audience to take a peek into Jamie’s importance in Dani’s life, especially at a point that something so vengeful is making its way to the surface. To see Jamie’s smiling face cut through the image of the beast in the jungle, we can’t help but feel the same pain yet also the sense of relief that Dani must feel in this moment. Although Dani returns to herself, we can’t help but feel Viola’s presence looming. 

The scene that follows is another significant milestone in Dani and Jamie’s journey together as Dani comes back home with a dying plant that’s concealing an engagement ring. Above the surface, Dani has put the ring in a dying plant because she knew that Jamie would waste no time investigating how to save it. But this can also be interpreted in relation to Jamie’s moonflower speech where she says “every living thing grows out of every dying thing” to show how their relationship is taking the next step of growth as she pulls the ring out of a dying plant. The ring itself is a traditional Irish Claddagh ring, which shows how Dani did her research and chose a ring specific to Jamie’s northern heritage. The hands that make the band of the ring represents friendship, while the heart representing love, and the crown representing loyalty. These representations are fitting for the relationship that the pairing has created and for Dani’s proposal speech. 

“Here’s the thing - you’re my best friend and the love of my life. And I don’t know how much time we have left but however much it is, I wanna spend it with you.”

The thing to highlight about Dani and Jamie’s relationship is that it runs on Dani’s timeline which is something that is so important to showcase, especially considering how Edmund had made almost all the choices for her in her previous engagement. Jamie understands this and has always insured that Dani felt comfortable before progressing further into their relationship together. In this moment, Jamie finally has a promise of love while Dani has security in the person she loves the most. As Jamie accepts her proposal and the two share a moment of celebration, Dani’s face of worry as she hugs Jamie shows that she feels an inability to be fully happy. She’s unable to fully give herself to Jamie in this moment which in turn shows how Viola’s presence is getting closer and getting darker. 

We jump slightly forward in time to the pair visiting Owen’s aptly named restaurant, A Batter Place. After a moment of remembrance for Hannah, Dani looks into the reflection of a metal water pitcher to see Viola’s reflection yet again. Dani’s face is surprised by this sight, but she keeps it quietly to herself as to not ruin the moment of reunion. If we compare this instance to the first time Dani looked at her reflection at the tableside jukebox at the diner years prior, we can see that this moment is filled with much more darkness. The light that used to be inside of her is dimming. Although Jamie is holding her and is physically next to her in this moment, she doesn’t cut through the darkness anymore. Jamie’s power as a grounding force is dimming as well. 

“So, they’re all happy?”

The inflection in Dani’s voice here is so subtle that only Jamie takes notice of it. Jamie looks at Dani and senses that something has gone off in her. Owen continues to explain how Miles and Flora have no recollection of the events that took place at Bly. No recollection of the sacrifice that Dani made to save them. 

“So, if they don’t remember Hannah…they don’t remember…”

Dani’s voice trails off here. She looks down and is caught in the bitter realization that her sacrifice has been forgotten. This feeling of a looming darkness, this feeling of living a life that’s ticking down to her own demise… was it worth it? Jamie can feel Dani’s pain immediately as her eyes stayed glued on Dani who’s trying to see if there would be any way to remind Miles and Flora about what she did.  The gardener stares at au pair without breaking away and in this instant, we can see that, along with Dani, Jamie is breaking too. Breaking under the burden of knowing that she can’t take Dani’s pain away.

The scene that follows shows Dani washing dishes where she sees Viola again in the water. She panics and finally admits to Jamie that she’s been seeing her more and more. The tension that was present between them moments earlier immediately fades away as Jamie wastes no time in trying to console Dani. Jamie’s blind optimism here has a slight tinge of desperation as she refuses to let Dani slip away into the abyss that’s growing stronger and stronger. Dani’s interaction with Viola’s reflection in this moment sets off an alarm bell within her, unlike the other times where she sat quietly and dealt with it on her own. This is Dani’s tipping point. The highest level of fear is felt as the reality is beginning to sink in that the beast is coming for her. Another thing to note here is that even after all these years, Jamie still makes the conscious effort to make Dani laugh. 

“I’ll do the washing up from now on, yeah? You’re shit at it anyway.”

Dani can’t help but give the smallest laugh, but it’s more than enough for Jamie. Through Jamie’s optimism, we have begun to see that she’s not only consoling Dani but also herself as she tries to convince both of them that they can have so much more time together. The episode continues on with the train of heartbreak as Jamie comes home after receiving civil union paperwork for her and Dani. What comes next is what I feel like is the most heartbreaking Dani moment in the entire series. Dani stares deep into an overflowing bathtub where an ominous Viola stares back at her. Jamie is quick to bring Dani back to reality but Dani has lost her footing. Her hold on Viola has flipped to Viola having a hold on her. 

“It’s like every day I feel myself fading away, but I’m still here, and… I don’t really understand how that is.” 

The fear has withered away into emptiness as Dani struggles to stay afloat. We see Jamie so pained as she watches the light fade into a grey nothingness as she listens to Dani talk about how she is beginning to lose herself to the beast. 

“I’m not even scared of her anymore. I just stare at her, and it’s getting harder and harder to see me.” 

To listen to the love of her life slip away through her fingers has Jamie in a phase of denial as she continuously refuses to let Dani break apart. We see the gardener’s optimism wavering as she tries her best to help the au pair hold onto herself. Dani’s voice as she says Jamie’s name is filled with nothing but pure hopelessness and despair as she dips further and further into uncertainty. Yet Jamie doesn’t lose hope. Jamie would never give up on Dani as she repeats the words she told Dani in the diner all those years ago. 

“One day at a time.”

However, Jamie has run out of answers. She can only offer comfort now. 

Next we see Dani hit her lowest low as she is taken over by Viola and awakes to see that she almost strangled Jamie to death in their sleep. Dani is shocked and broken as she sits in the disbelief of what she almost did. The time has come. The beast has arrived. Viola has waited years until Dani was so broken down and so vulnerable, that she would finally be able to take her. However, we can’t help but believe that Dani fought off Viola this long thanks to the love her and Jamie shared.

The gardener wakes up the following morning to find an empty space next to her. She reaches to the empty space in the bed and then for the note left on the bedside table. It can only mean one thing: her biggest fear has come to light. With her strong will and determination, Jamie gives one final push and flies back across the pond to Bly to face what she’s been in fear of all this time. The amount of immense grief that is felt in this moment, to be at the same place that the love of her life began to be taken away from her all those years ago, must be incredibly damaging. The manor holds so much of Jamie’s life. She found her family there. She created a beautiful garden on those grounds. Her and Dani’s love blossomed on the same grounds that she first began to lose her that night at the lake. Jamie storms off to the edge of the water. Her face is so tired. She already knows what she’s going to find and yet she still doesn’t lose the hope that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be true. 

“The gardener said the words she’d heard those years ago; she willed it with everything she had. You, me, us. Us. ‘Take me with you,’ she cried in her heart. ‘Take me. Drag me down like you did the others.’ But the lady in the lake was different now – the lady in the lake was also Dani. And Dani wouldn’t. Dani would never.” 

The agony and desperation that we see Jamie endure in the moments that we see her find Dani laying at the very bottom of the lake is a type of pain that is unmatched from any other moment of pain that we’ve seen this season. Her muffled screams as she takes a hold of her heart, only to let her arms go in despair under the water is something so haunting yet so unbelievably moving to see her love so much considering how far she’s come from the cold and guarded gardener we saw all the way back in episode one. She would’ve given up everything. Absolutely everything to take Dani’s place. Given up everything to join Dani at the bottom of the lake. Unlike Peter with Rebecca, Dani could never take Jamie down to the depths. Dani could never harm a single soul, let alone the one person that mattered the most to her. By letting Jamie go and taking Viola’s place as the lady of the lake, Dani has broken the cycle of violence that’s haunted the grounds of Bly for centuries. As Jamie was the hero of Dani’s story, Dani will always be the hero to Jamie’s. 

The final act of the season ends with an older Jamie finishing her story to the wedding guests. 

“She would know nothing of the gardener, nothing of their life together. The details, the specific moments would all fade away. More time will pass, and the water will wash away the delicate features of her; of her beautiful, perfect face. But she won’t be hollow, nor empty. And she won’t pull others to her fate. She will merely walk the grounds of Bly, harmless as a dove, for all of her days. Leaving the only trace of who she once was in the memory of the woman who loved her most.”

We see an older Jamie comfort a teary-eyed Flora who is afraid of the time when she would also lose the love of her life. Jamie comforts her with advice that we can only ever assume she learned in her time with Dani. The final scene shows the gardener’s nightly routine as she stares into reflections, hoping to catch one last glimpse of the au pair. As she drifts away into sleep, a hand wearing a golden wedding ring rests gently on her shoulder. Our haunting love story has come to an end. And the rest? Well the rest… is confetti.  

[sprnklersplashes]

songwriter!janis fic (unrequited crush, no-very-happy-ending) 

also on ao3

It all started because she loved Taylor Swift when she was in middle school. Who is she kidding, she still loves Taylor Swift, but that’s where all this began. A middle school girl’s obsession with Taylor Swift. A confused, sad girl with a broken heart and smudged black eyeliner, finding refuge in lyrics about loneliness and anger and revenge. They became anthems for her, mantras to mutter when the warzone of middle school became too much for her.

“Someday, I’ll be living in a big old city, and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.”

“Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in.”

“I can still see you, this ain’t the best view.”

It amazes her. It’s honestly as if Taylor Swift has managed to look into her life and given her a bundle of songs for whatever she needs. For when Regina has thrown her one too many snide looks, for when she’s standing at the door of North Shore High on her first day, for when she eats lunch alone, for when her mom is the best mom she could have asked for, for when she and Damian are lying on the grass in her backyard, staring up at the sky, laughing at absolutely nothing. The songs become the soundtrack to her life, the chords and those raw, honest lyrics an emotional outlet she so desperately craves. Taylor, and her songs, become a confidant, almost a close friend who always knows what to say.

With all that in mind, perhaps it was only a matter of time before she asks for a guitar for Christmas. She’s fourteen, braces and a slight lisp, and jumps up and down like a mad woman when she sees it under the tree.

She practices for three days straight, until her fingers bleed, but Should’ve Said No is the first song she learns off by heart. She yells the lyrics with maybe a little too much passion, but her parents applaud her nonetheless.

Like she said, that’s how it all started.

Because that same Christmas, she realises that screaming her feelings while playing guitar actually feels pretty cathartic. And that if it worked for Taylor Swift, it could work for her. So she writes stuff down, plays around with chords and strumming until the beat on the guitar matches the one in her head. She grabs a page and a pencil and writes and re-writes her innermost thoughts and feelings on the page until they sound the way she wants them to. She plays around with rhyme schemes and structure and everything she’s been taught about in English class, and a thrill runs through her as she does so. It’s the same breathless high she feels when she paints or draws, the rush that comes from creating something.

Her parents sit on the other side of her bedroom door, no doubt exchanging worried glances as she repeats the same verse, same chorus, with only a word changed. She watches them when they think she can’t see, peering through the crack in her door. The conclusion they seem to come to is ‘well, as coping mechanisms go, it’s pretty good, and she’s happy, so who are we to stop it?’.

It takes her four days to finish her first song. And it sucks. But she keeps it, writes down the lyrics and chords in one of the few empty notebooks she has, and there’s no going back from it now. She writes, and she writes, and she writes, near enough every day. She likes to think she gets better with each one. She learns more chords, buys a cheap ukulele the summer after freshman year, tries her hand at piano during a particularly difficult few weeks. She doesn’t plan on doing anything with them. They’re just her little pieces to hold on to. Her therapy sessions outside the carpeted office.

No-one knows about it. She has a reputation to keep up, after all. The loner-by-choice, too-cool-for-school, aloof art freak. Everyone has their roles to play in the ecosystem that is high school and, much as she hates the entire system, that is hers to play. And she plays it well, if she may say so. The fact that hardly anyone knows her past that facade suits her just fine. After all, if people think she doesn’t care, she can’t get hurt. No-one needs to know that Janis Sarkisian actually has feelings.

Even less need to know that she writes songs about said feelings.

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By the time she reaches her junior year, she’s onto her third notebook. She keeps them tucked away in her sock drawer, expertly hidden so only she can find them. Damian teases her about it, calling her “the protagonist of a Disney Channel Original Movie”. She just rolls her eyes and reminds him that “if either of us is gonna be Disney’s first openly gay character, it’ll be you”. He can’t argue with that.

It should be noted that when Janis said that no-one knows about her songwriting, Damian was the obvious exception. He found out just weeks after she started. There’s no keeping secrets from him.

Between all her notebooks, she’s written around forty songs.

Then she meets Cady Heron one day. The human embodiment of a labrador puppy, complete with wide, lost eyes. She likes her instantly, decides to take her under her wing because Lord knows the girl needs it. Cady’s smile is infectious, her laugh like a summer breeze. She has dimples and caramel-coloured hair and really likes maths.

She meets Cady on a Monday.

By that Saturday, song number 41-titled “Dimples and Curls” is more or less complete.

She plays it for Damian, hands only slightly shaking as she changes chords, the strumming short and upbeat, the melody strangely happy for such a bittersweet song.

He applauds her, but the subject of the song hangs in the air even after she’s played the last chord and the music fades. Unsaid, but not unknown. Just like her songwriting, Janis couldn’t keep a crush from Damian if she tried.

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“Hey, check it out.”

Cady drops onto the seat across from Janis, the whole table shaking as she does so. Like a small meteor just hit Earth. Janis looks up from her lunch, pretending like she had been doing her own thing and not watching the door until Cady came in. Pretending like her stomach doesn’t do little flips at the sight of her crossing the cafeteria. She pulls the flyer towards her and hums in amusement.

“The winter talent show,” she reads before chomping off a carrot stick. “Oh, is it that time of year already?”

“Seems like only yesterday we was welcoming the young’uns into this brave new world during the harvest season,” Damian sighs, putting on a delightfully over the top Southern Belle accent, no doubt influenced by their reading of Streetcar Named Desire in English class. Janis cackles, and nearly chokes on her lunch as she does.

“And now the cold winds of winter are descending upon us,” she replies, her accent equally heavy. She bats her eyes for good measure, because she can and because it makes Cady laugh. “Oh but I pray the children will survive this season, it is often rough for them.”

“I am never showing you two anything winter related ever again,” Cady says.

Janis just shrugs and runs her hand through her hair before her eyes go back to the flyer. Clearly, whatever sophomore they got to design it this year did their best; found the prettiest looking snowflakes on Google Images to put on the cartoon stage, decided to write in some swirling, slanted font rather than the start-studded block lettering they usually went for. It’s still the same as it is every year, meaning just as mockable, but she’ll give them points for tying.

“Well, anyone here going for it?” she asks. She looks from Damian to Cady and back again, a teasing smirk on her lips. “Last year and all that.”

“Not sure I can,” Damian sighs. “I mean, I’m booked up with Spelling Bee rehearsals and spring cabaret auditions happening next semester.” He drums his fingers against his throat. “Gotta give the little vocal chords some rest, you know?”

Janis’ response is to sing the lowest note she possibly can before turning to Cady and giving her a pointed look, the corner of her mouth quirked up.

“Who? Me?” Cady’s cheeks turned crimson and she shakes her head so much that the caramel curls bounced around her shoulders. “No way. Damian can take the stage, I’m fine with my calculators and textbooks.”

“You could always solve equations in front of everyone,” Janis says. “I could call out college-level questions from the audience and you solve them in under 30 seconds.”

“I think I’ll pass,” she giggles. She leans forward slightly, eyes glittering, and Janis does her best not to squirm. The effect Cady Heron’s eyes have on her should be studied by scientists. “What about you, Janis?”

“I don’t know.” She thinks back to when she helped on stage crew last year, as well as helping out (or taking over) with the set design. It had been fun, the kind of challenge she needed to keep her mind off the slowly-going-off-the-rails plan. And she was told it looked good on her college applications, because all people can think about apparently is college, college, college. “Maybe. They might need another genius stage manager.”

“And you’ll step in if they can’t find one?” She digs Damian in the ribs for that comment.

“But not performing?” Cady asks, and Janis freezes. Performing had never even crossed her mind before. She’s used to backstage, hell, she likes backstage. It’s not that she has stage fright or anything, and if she had, her stunt at Ms Norbury’s little healing session would have squished it. She had just never thought about it.

But Cady had, apparently.

“I-No, I-I don’t think so,” she stammers out. “Um, I might do backstage again, but not actually doing something, you know, talent related.” She bites her tongue and clamps her lips shut before anything else can come out.

“Okay then,” Cady replies slowly. She gets up from the table, her little empty water bottle in her hands. “I’m going to go for a refill, save my seat.”

“No problem,” Janis says, but Cady’s already jogging away.

She doesn’t know if it’s good or bad that Cady’s known her too long to think of her as cool, and so this kind of awkward babbling isn’t really surprising to her. Instead of thinking about it, she just sets her head on the table and lets Damian rub her back.

“You were nowhere near as bad as you think you were,” he assures her.

“Title of your sex tape,” comes her murmured reply. Damian chuckles and runs his fingers through her hair, like she’s his pet cat. It helps.

“So you’re definitely not going for the talent show then?” he asks.

Her first instinct is to say no, because of course she isn’t, because she never has before and she sees no point in breaking a three-year streak, but the answer catches in her throat. At the same time, something begins forming in her brain, pieces of a melody she’s already known, words filling in blank spots in her brain, and her fingers twitch involuntarily, playing the chords on an invisible guitar. Without a word, she grabs a notepad and pen from her bag and scribbles the words down before she forgets them, quickly becoming breathless just by sitting there. She forgets, for a moment, everything else, the talent show, Cady, even Damian next to her, and just revels in the task and the quick buzz she gets just from writing. Just like that she has one eye on the clock, itching to get home and put her notes into the rest of the song.

But with those notes came an idea, an idea so completely out of left field she almost laughs at it.

“Janis?” Damian asks, just slightly unnerved by her. If anyone else were at this table, even Cady (especially Cady), she would have had to excuse herself and run to the bathroom, or just hope the words stayed in her head long enough for her to get a quiet moment. “Did the Goddess of Music just possess you again?”

“Maybe,” is her response. He doesn’t know it, but she answered both the questions he asked in the past minute.

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She sits on her bed that night, her homework half-done and strewn across the desk, abandoned in favour of the guitar sitting in her lap and notebook open on her bed. She’s been working on his song for the better part of a week, inspiration and motivation seemingly striking and then fading whenever she gets a free moment. Abandoning it has crossed her mind-she’s no stranger to abandoning things that aren’t working-but for some reason she hasn’t quite been able to shake this particular song off.

Maybe it is Euterpe, the Goddess of Music, descending upon her because this song has to be finished, it has to be, Olympus willing it so.

Or maybe it’s because this song is one of the most personal things she’s ever written, a love letter she’ll never send, and the idea of it sitting unfinished drives her crazy.

She plays another chord and sings the line again, changing the ending slightly, and makes the adjustment in her notes.

She’s crazy. This is already crazy, her secret double life as a wannabe T-Swift, but now she’s gone beyond that. Thinking of actually playing it. On a stage. In front of people. She doesn’t care what people think of her, she stopped caring about that a long, long time ago, but holy shit what will people think of her after she does this? Life isn’t like the movies, she knows that much. It won’t be some pretty, softly-lit moment where the crowd sits with teary eyes, Cady runs onstage and kisses her and she’s offered a deal by some big shot producer, and they all live happily ever after the end. What could happen is people think she’s even more of a weirdo than they do now.

Or she gets tomatoes thrown at her head and she’s booed off the stage. That’s a possibility.

She calls Damian, because that’s the only way she sees out of her little thought cul-de-sac. She puts the phone on speaker and props it up against a pillow, keeping her hands free for her guitar and her pen. He picks up on the third ring, just as she’s strumming out a G chord.

“Oh, is someone prepping for her Grammy?” he asks. “You’re still taking me as your date, right?”

“Only if my dog can’t go,” she replies. She taps her nails against the wood, the rhythm too fast and frantic to just be a habit. Yes, she can tell Damian anything, and being nervous in front of him is laughable, but sometimes her body forgets that. “So, I was thinking about the talent show.”

“Oh? You’re going for stage crew again? Cool.”

“No-not exactly.” She knows he can’t see the smile creeping across her face, but she’d wager he can hear it through the phone. A small swarm of butterflies flutters in her chest, leaving her just slightly out of breath. “I… I. think I’m going to try performing in it.”

A burst of laughter comes through the phone, slightly tinged with static, and Janis wishes he were here so she could slap him. Even if it’s not malicious in intent at all, and she’s laughing right along with him. Slapping is kind of a love language for them.

“Okay, okay cool. What’re you going to do?”

“I’ll give you a hint,” she says, and then she plays the opening chords to her latest experiment. She doesn’t add in the lyrics, not yet. Still, she sits back and basks in his applause when she finishes, cackling into her hand. He might be one person, but he’s got enough enthusiasm to match a packed auditorium. “What do you think?”

“I’m into it,” he tells her. “So… that’s the one you’re doing?”

“Think so.” She tosses the pick between her fingers. Like he could feel her smile, she can feel his raised eyebrow through the phone, the elephant in the room poking her with its trunk. “Yes, I know.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You thought it,” she tells him, and he doesn’t deny it. She looks back over the lyrics she’s written and re-written. Despite some adjustments, it’s still in essence the same. Still about a girl with pretty hair who smells like vanilla and cinnamon, who has a boyfriend and is unknowingly breaking the heart of a girl with black eyeliner and paint stained fingers. Because her boyfriend is pretty and clean and smells like soap and can do math, and how is the poor art girl even meant to compare to that?

“Yes,” she says after a while. “It is about Cady.”

“Aw, my poor lovestruck songstress,” he sighs. He shifts then, and the air shifts with him. “You sure that’s the one you want to sing? I mean you have dozens of other non-Cady related songs. I’m sure Mr Duvall would love to hear Angry Teenage Lesbian Anthem.”

“First off, I gave that one a title, it’s called Shattered,” she reminds him. “And-” She freezes, the rest of her sentence catching in her throat. He’s right. She could perform one of her other songs, that are already finished and therefore removing the pressure to have this one finished, polished and stage-ready. And of course, it would mean she wouldn’t be standing in front of her entire grade and telling them all how badly she’s in love with her best friend. Showing her deepest secret to the people who have already driven her out of school once. It’s a far safer, potentially less traumatic option for her.

But…

“No,” she says. “I know it sounds crazy but I feel like… I feel like I need to do this.” She swallows thickly and picks softly at the guitar strings. “It’s like… like this way at least I’m telling her, you know? Even if she doesn’t know it.”

Of course, Damian gets it.

“That’s beautiful, babe,” he tells her. “So you’re actually doing this?”

“I’m actually doing this,” she replies firmly. “And tomorrow, I need you to make sure I don’t chicken out before I sign up.”

“Got it. I’ll just order you to do it as Senior Co-Chair of the Student Activities Committee.”

“That’s an abuse of power.”

“Then consider yourself abused baby.” He laughs and she laughs with him, and then she hears something on Damian’s end. “I have to go. A certain little sister of mine has a princess costume that needs attending to. See you later.”

“See you later,” she replies before he clicks off the call. She looks down at her paper, then at her guitar, and thinks about what she just committed to. “I’ve got some work to do.”

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The song goes through four rewrites in the weeks leading up to the talent show. The whole first verse is changed, the chorus scrapped and replaced with a new one, then that one is scrapped and she goes back to the old one. She sits hunched on her floor with a pencil in her mouth, wondering if what she’s written is too personal or not personal enough. If it’s too obvious that Cady, smart cookie that she is, will work it out and that’ll lead them down a new, scary path. She cuts some lyrics that give the game away, opting to replace one about love for numbers with love for learning, because that opens up the pool to half their grade. She writes about Cady’s blue eyes rather than specifically those double dimples that make her melt. Maybe she’s compromising her artistic vision, but it might be worth it if it’ll keep her crush a secret. She keeps the old lyrics tucked in the back of her notebook, just to have them.

Meanwhile, she’s also dealing with the fact that people know she has signed up for the talent show. That Miss Too Cool For School Loner Art Freak Janis is actually performing at a school event. And she doesn’t even get extra credit for it. They’re surprised, and curious, and none more so than Cady. The other girl appears at her side almost instantly after first period, skinny little arms wrapped around her bicep and blue eyes alight.

Oh, the things those eyes do to her.

“Janis!” she squeaks. “I saw-on the sign up sheet-your name! Oh my God, is this a joke? Did Damian put you up to it?”

“No, no, I signed up of my own accord,” Janis tells her. That only makes Cady bounce more, ponytail bobbing up and down.

“Oh wow, that’s amazing!” she says. She stops then, her mouth freezing in its place and her cheeks turning pink. Slowly, she comes down to Earth, like a balloon that had the air let out of it. Janis can almost hear the wheeze. “I mean um, it’s pretty cool, I guess.”

“It’s pretty grool,” Janis replies, and just like that Cady bounces back up again.

“Oh my gosh, what are you going to do?” she asks. “Or do you want it to be a surprise?”

“You think I have some secret knife-throwing talent?” she grins. She hesitates for a moment, looking down at Cady’s excited face, because even if this isn’t telling her… it’s telling her. “I’m… I’m going to sing.” She pulls on the strap of her backpack and avoids Cady’s eyes. “Something I wrote.”

“Okay,” Cady says. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

“Hey!” she laughs. “I can write stuff. I can be deep.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about it,” Cady says, bumping her arm against Janis’. “But for real, Janis, I can’t wait to see it. I know you’ll be amazing.”

Warmth spreads across her pale cheeks, a pink blush no doubt colouring her face, and she somehow manages to choke out a “thanks” as her brain turns to static. Her only thought is ‘Cady thinks I’m going to be good’, and it’s written in glitter pen across her brain.

“This is going to be great,” she goes on. “Oh, wait until I tell Aaron. He’s got a break in his schedule that week so he’s coming up to see the talent show! Isn’t that great?”

And just like that, Janis’ good mood falls. Her face stays the same, because she’s trained to do it, but everything behind it crumbles.

“Yeah, that’s great,” she replies. Cady squeezes her hand, oblivious, and drags her along the hallway, chatting away about some lion documentary she had watched last night.

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She finishes the song that night. She arrives home with a heavy chest, so full of complicated, messy feelings, and her conversation with Cady still so fresh in her mind, her ears still ringing from the emotional whiplash. Her parents barely get a ‘hello’ as she enters and bolts up to her room, her hands shaking, the thoughts swirling around her brain desperate to be let out.

And let them out she does. She writes so quickly they look more like smudges than words, her fingers flying over rapidly changing chords, her voice broken and panting as she sings. The words almost write themselves, like the song has taken on a life of its own and she’s just along for the ride. She barely remembers to pause, to breathe, so wrapped up in the storm she’s created with just her guitar and pen.

It’s only when she finishes and falls back on her bed that she notices the tears in her eyes. She blinks them away and pulls herself up, her notebook in her hand. It’s done. The perfect blend of her own honest feelings and just enough smokescreen to keep people from knowing who it’s really about.

There’s no backing out now, she thinks. Her stomach drops, like she’s on the top of a roller coaster about to go down. A laugh bubbles up in her throat and leaves her breathless, her head spinning while she’s still laying there.

If holy shit were am adjective, she'd use it to describe how she feels. Because holy shit.

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Being backstage when she’s not on crew is a strange experience. She stands with her guitar slung around her body, in the middle of a current of students moving around her, half with the clunky microphones and walkie-talkies she’s used so many times before. She asks five of them if she can do anything to help-because they’re her people and she needs to do something to occupy her time-until she finally takes the hint and leaves them to it. Stagehands are the most efficient parts of any production, as she told Damian once. They’re a well-oiled machine at this point.

“Yo!” For a second, Janis thinks she imagined the whisper, just one in a jumble of backstage noises, until Damian appears at her side. A tiny ‘shit’ escapes her mouth, her body jerking. Barely anyone bats an eye at her, except him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to spook you.”

“Don’t worry. I think at this point a small breeze could knock into me and I’d crumble.”

“The great Janis Sarkisian gets nervous?” he asks, eyebrow raised.

“Only when she’s doing something incredibly personal and scary in front of her entire grade,” she whispers back. She swallows past the lump in her throat. “Aside from that I’m a beacon of confidence and unshakable will.”

“Hey.” He taps his knuckles against hers. “Remember how scared you were at Norbury’s assembly?”

“You mean after I had my picture all over the school with the d-slur written underneath it?” she mutters. “Yeah, I was shitting myself.”

“And yet, look what you did there,” he reminds her. “You were amazing. And you’re going to be amazing here too. Once you get on that stage, all those butterflies are going to make you fly, kid.”

She smiles, her heart warm, and pressed her face into the crook of Damian’s neck.

She doesn’t know how she got so lucky to have him, but she knows better than to tempt fate.

“Janis Sarkisian?” She lifts her head to find a freshman girl with a headset around her neck looking at her. “You’re up next.”

“Okay.” It’s only now she becomes aware that the last minute of Fairytale Of New York is playing, the notes will soon fade out, and that’s her cue. She turns to Damian and lets him straighten her black cardigan and fiddle with the collar of her shirt. “Wish me luck.”

“You don’t need it.” He drops a whisper of a kiss to her nose. “But good luck.”

She holds her half-heart necklace as he goes, the twin to the one around his neck. It’s as close as she can get to having him with her. Her chest tightens as she makes her way to the stage and she tries to breathe through it, because the next thign she knows, Mr Duvall is announcing her name, and she’s being greeted by a blinding spotlight that thankfully obscures most of her peers’ faces.

“Uh, hi,” she says into the microphone placed out for her. It’s just people , she reminds herself. Somewhere in that crowd, second row, seat 14, is Damian, and she breathes easier. And next to him is Cady, the girl this song is about, and for some reason that straightens her spine and irons out the shaking in her voice. She takes the pick out of its holder and tosses her hair back. “This is a song I wrote about being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.” She blinks and hopes no-one sees the tears in her eyes. “So sing along if you get into it, because we all know it’s a shitty ass feeling.”

She plays the first chord, and then any and all doubts she had about this flee her. As cliche as it sounds, the song takes over her, and she blows through the nerves in the first verse. The experience becomes cathartic instead, like releasing a pressure valve on her soul. Even with the little diversions she threw in, she hasn’t felt this open and god damn free since last year, paraded on her peers’ shoulders with both middle fingers up. Except now she’s not flipping anyone off, or proving a point, she’s just finally telling someone how she feels, and holy shit, it’s amazing. Whatever the aftermath of this is, she won’t care, it’s worth it just for this feeling.

As she sings the last word, and that final note rings in the auditorium, her hands are shaking, her cheeks wet with tears and her hair sticky with sweat. She touches beneath her eye and her fingers come away stained black.  She hasn’t cried in front of people since middle school. She doesn’t care.

The cheers of her classmates ring in her ears, Damian’s whooping the loudest of all, and as she takes her bow, she hopes she’ll remember this moment for a long time.

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“Oh my God!” she’s barely into the auditorium when Cady launches herself at her, arms wrapped around her neck and legs circling her waist. Janis nearly topples over, digging her back leg into the ground just in time, and hugs Cady with the same ferocity. “You were amazing!” she yells into her shoulder, the sound muffled by Janis’ hair.

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” She sets Cady down, but the other girl keeps a tight grip on both her arms. Janis wonders if it’s to keep herself from flying away, given the amount of bouncing up and down she’s doing. “I can’t believe you wrote that! It was so good! You need to record it, Jan. Do you have any other songs?”

“Just a few,” she says. “And I don’t know if I’m in the business of making an album any time soon.” She swings her guitar case a little. “This might have been a one-time thing.”

“Well, even if it was, it was awesome,” she says.

“Thank you, Caddy,” Janis replies. “That means a lot.”

Her mouth runs dry as Cady smiles, all baby pink lipgloss and sparkling eyes and full cheeks. If this were a movie, she thinks, this would be the part where they kiss. No need for talking, or an explanation. Because Cady would have just known. The music would turn soft and twinkly, and the lighting would match it and it would look like they’re in a dream and they’d just kiss, and it will fix all of Janis’ problems. Maybe a single tear will run down her cheek. And then they’ll run off into their new lives as the end credits roll.

How sweet that would be.

But her life isn’t a movie. If she wants anything, she has to go for it herself.

And that includes-

“Caddy.” Her name is delicate on her lips, handled with care. Cady looks at her, giving a simple ‘mm-hm’ in response, and Janis’ heart beats out of control. “That song I just sang, it-”

“Hey, guys.”

Also if this was a movie, Cady’s sweet, lovely, nice boyfriend would not be barging in right now. He’d either be a douchebag who she doesn’t feel bad about hurting, or he’d be nonexistent.

Unfortunately, this is not a movie, and Aaron Samuels exists and is the human equivalent of a squishmallow.

“Hey Aaron.” He slings his arm around Cady’s shoulders, and she leans into his touch almost instinctively. “Janis, you were great up there. I didn’t know you wrote songs.”

“It’s a bit of a new hobby,” she says, her voice hoarse. She clears her throat, and finds a bottle of water being handed to-thrown at-her.

“Hydrate those chords,” is Damian’s greeting.

“This is what I get for being friends with a theatre kid,” she sighs before she takes a drink. She hadn’t realised how dry her throat was until now.

“Okay, so we’re all going for pancakes,” Aaron says. “I take it you two are coming?”

“How can I say no to pancakes?” Janis asks. “Uh, you guys go ahead, I have to get my stuff from the green room.”

“Okay, we’ll wait for you,” Cady says. “Aaron brought his car so he can drive us.”

“Grool.” Cady and Aaron turn around together, Aaron spinning his eyes around his finger and Cady lacing her fingers through his, talking about something she can’t hear. It’s like watching them through a sheet of glass.

Not a movie. Not unless it’s one of those really, really sad movies. Sad homophobic movies.

“You okay?” Damian asks. She snorts at the question. Nothing has changed, so of course she’s okay. But then, nothing has changed, so she’s not really okay.

“I did it,” she sighs. “It’s out there. I told her, unofficially. Whether or not she works it out…” She runs her hand through her tangled hair. “That’s something else entirely.” Damian hums in agreement, a sympathetic look on his face that soon morphs into a grin.

“Hey,” he says. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Mom.” They snort, Janis caught between a laugh and a sob, and squeezes Damian’s hand. She’s not optimistic about any romance in her future, at least where Cady is concerned. She and Aaron are still rock-solid and she’s happy for them, whenever she isn’t angsting about it. It’s a weird combination to have.

And at least she’s done this now. Despite a future for her and Cady not being in the cards for now, she’s glad she did it. The secret isn’t out, not entirely. Just written on the walls in invisible ink.

“Come on,” she tells Damian. “I actually do have to get my bag, and you can use this as an opportunity to double check the ghost light is on.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cady and Aaron keep their promise and wait for them, waving off their apologies as they jog across the parking lot. Cady lets Damian take the front seat with Aaron and slides into the back with Janis instead. Janis frowns, confused as to why she isn’t taking her normal seat up front, and Cady rolls her eyes.

“There was a draw on the way here, and we lost,” she explains. “And now Damian has control of the aux chord,” She gestures with her head to the passenger seat, and Janis turns just in time to see him open his Spotify and scroll through his playlists. As the opening notes to Waving Through A Window fill the car, it’s met with three loud groans. Damian only turns it up louder, and adds in his own backing vocals.

“So, that song you sang,” Cady asks, leaning back in the seat. “Was it about anyone in particular?”

Janis looks down, her hands pressed together in her lap. If this is the moment the universe decided to give her, it’s a really terrible moment. Not only is Cady’s whole boyfriend sitting an arm’s length away from her, but she left her nerve back in the auditorium. Clearly, her and fate aren’t on each other’s wavelength.

“You wouldn’t know her,” she says. “She doesn't even go here.”

“Oh,” Cady replies. Her face falls, but she’s not too put out by it. Why would she be? She nudges Janis’ shoulder, a proud smile on her face, and squeezes Janis’ hand. “Well, if she has someone like you into her and she hasn’t taken the chance yet, then she doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

Janis only thanks her, and quickly changes the subject.

Someday she might tell her for real, but for now she'll stick to the songs.

[enchantedsugden]

there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear

ao3 link 

robert doesn't hide his taste in music anymore and instead tries to get his husband to listen to the songs he loves. 

have a fic about robert's love for music and taylor swift.

-------------

He loved it, absolutely loved it. That wonderful giddy feeling that good music gave him present in his whole body. His coffee had gone cold but other than that nothing had changed, he was still in the same position as he was when he pressed play. Robert was on the couch, knees pressed to his chest phone in hand, the Mill still quiet in the relatively early morning, Aaron and Liv both enjoying a lie in after their night of GCSE celebrations yesterday.

  Robert hadn’t been able to get back to sleep after he had first woken up. After watching his husband for a bit he decided to get himself a coffee to take back up. Waiting around for the water to boil he had scrolled on his phone, sighing when he stumbled across an email from Spotify. Making a mental note to put a stop to those emails he was about to click on a different email when something caught his eye.

Taylor Swift. After he had made that one jokey comment to Aaron years ago it was now kind of a running joke. It wasn’t just a joke though, and after years of being with Aaron he made less and less of an effort to hide his music taste. ‘Cheesy teen pop’ his husband would still call it, while said husband would nod to music that Robert would also class as teen pop. And maybe there were some cd’s that technically belonged to him and that were pretty much teen pop scattered around the place but so what? Robert also never managed to forget that Aaron had once called it ‘quite sweet’ which had also become some sort of running joke. Aaron using those words and Robert being called them always something that made them both blush and laugh.

Before Robert’s mind had the time to drift off to thoughts about court, prison, leaving Aaron and his family, the water had boiled and Robert spied whoever’s earphones on the kitchen table. Abandoning the idea of going back to bed he decided to distract himself by actually listening to the album. When he was younger he was always on top of release dates and new music from his favourite artists but nowadays he’d be lucky if he got to listen to new stuff within a week of it coming out. Not that he minded, his life right now one that he absolutely loved but sitting down peacefully to listen to new albums remained one of those things he just loved doing. Because that was his way of doing it, one Aaron didn’t understand. Aaron would listen to new stuff at work, in the car or while clearing up around the house. Robert didn’t, anticipated albums needed appreciation he would explain to a laughing Aaron time and time again whenever he’d announce that he didn’t want to be disturbed.

Settling down he pressed stream now, an almost embarrassing excitement sizzling through him. 

  So he loves it. Resisting the urge to play his favourites again, he pulls out the earphones listening out for any signs of life. There are none either from his husband or Liv which means Robert could even do his next album ritual in peace, another thing his husband liked to mock him lovingly about. Robert loved lyrics, he also loved showing Aaron lyrics that reminded him of his husband or reminded him of them which was probably quite embarrassing but who needed to know? Aaron was the only person he needed to show those words to, the only one who got it although the younger man liked to pretend his husband was just being an annoying romantic, but the soft look in his eyes (after he had rolled them dramatically) told Robert enough.

Aaron was one of those people that claimed not to pay attention to lyrics he just liked the beat. Robert couldn’t understand that to save himself, while also knowing that this wasn’t always the case for his husband. Evidence for this clearly there when Aaron would mumble along to their playlist, and when in a soppy mood would even give Robert quick glances and soft smiles at what the older man liked to refer as relatable lyrics.

After reheating his coffee Robert settles himself down again ready to hit play all over again but this time intending to listen to the lyrics closely.

   The last songs fades away and there’s rustling right next to him. Opening his eyes he’s met with Liv’s confused expression. The younger girl seems to be working out whether there is cause for concern or not.

“Are you alright?” She asks, her expression half amusement half worry.

“What- yeah?” Robert replies, taking out the earphones.

“Were you….crying?”

“I was what- no of course not-“ he wants to say more but suddenly Aaron’s coming down the stairs, eying him up. “He was what?” he says looking in between him and Liv.

“I wasn’t crying” Robert says almost indignant.

“Why are your eyes slightly red then?” Liv counters “or were you sleeping down here?”

Robert refuses to believe he actually cried because he just can’t have done. “I was just listening to music” he gestures vaguely to his phone. To his surprise Liv bursts out laughing at that “please tell me you didn’t-”

“What?” Aaron all but interrupts and now looking more confused than ever.

“Were you listening to Taylor’s new album?”

“You know she has a new one out?” there’s this feeling of almost betrayal that Liv didn’t inform him about this, realising too late what he must sound like.

“Unbelievable” Aaron mutters, walking over to the kitchen clearly leaving his husband and sister to it now it’s registered with him that Robert was crying about bloody teen pop and not something life threatening.

“I can’t believe you listened to it before me” Liv continues “not sure if I still want to listen now I know you’ve related it all to you and Aaron.”

“I have not!”

“Quite sure about that?” Liv laughs “you always get soppy when it comes to love songs.”

“Liv leave him alone” Aaron says in an amused voice shaking his head fondly. If Robert hadn’t felt quite so embarrassed he would have laughed at the domesticity of it all.

“Have you eaten Rob?” Aaron continues probably noticing Robert’s slight embarrassment. He tells him he hasn’t yet and heads over to the kitchen to help his husband with breakfast, not before shoving Liv playfully on the way though.

  During breakfast Robert thinks about the songs that definitely need adding to his and Aaron’s playlist.

  “See ya later. Don’t listen to too much Taylor while working eh?” Aaron grins kissing him on the head, the younger man about to head to the yard.

“Shut up” Robert grins back, glad Liv isn’t here to hear this conversation, the younger girl having gone out for another day of celebrations.

“But you should definitely check on our playlist later, during your break or whatever” he tries.

“Absolutely not.”

  He tries again during lunch, unsuccessfully.

He’s making himself a quick bite to eat when his husband comes through the door.

“Hey, didn’t expect you here for lunch, thought you were busy.”

“Trying to get rid of me already are ya” Aaron grins quickly pecking him on the lips.

“Wouldn’t dare.”

“Nah, I’ve got enough time for a proper lunch hour so I’d thought I’d get home. What I was really hoping for was catching you dancing around the place. I’m bitterly disappointed.”

“As if I would dance on my own eh” Robert laughs before carefully adding “have you listened to the ones I’ve added to our playlist.”

“What do you think.”

“Oh Aaron please- there’s only a few.”

“Too many for me. Make me some of that will ya.”

   Robert knew he could make Aaron listen to the songs he had added to their playlist eventually and the time had finally come. Lying on their bed, earphones in he waited for his husband who was just finishing up in the bathroom. Robert was almost certain that with his guard down Aaron wouldn’t say no to him.

The door opened revealing the younger man now freshly showered, all sleepy smiles and soft hair.

“Hey” Robert smiled, watching Aaron come closer to the bed. “Hey” Aaron said softly, coming to a standstill just before he’s about to climb in “this is where you are gonna make me listen to Taylor Swift innit?”

“Please” Robert grinned knowing he had won.

“Only because I don’t have energy for much else and I can’t take your begging for much longer”

“I didn’t do any begging thank you very much.”

“Sure about that? Well let’s hear it then.”

Suddenly Robert felt almost nervous which was stupid but he couldn’t help it. He shifted closer to Aaron, his head touching the younger man’s shoulder and he handed over one earphone. “Listen properly” he almost demanded and Aaron let out a laugh.

“And I thought you’d be more grateful. Robert I know you remember, you want me to listen to the lyrics I know that.”

“Okay, well then. This first song is a love song.”

Aaron rolled his eyes “I should think so, why else would it be on our playlist, added by Mr. Hopeless Romantic himself.” As a reply Robert could only glance at his husband.

 (Lover)

‘Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close forever and ever.’

During the chorus Robert looked up at Aaron who met his glance and smiled softly.

“I quite like it” he whispered softly and Robert could practically feel himself lighting up, a beaming smile on his face.

‘I take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover.’

Robert couldn’t help watching his husband’s face at this bit. This line in the bridge standing out to him straight away when he listened to the song for the first time.

“You about me innit.” Aaron said, not even looking at Robert but sensing he was staring at him. Robert couldn’t help but laugh at that comment even though it was of course no word of a lie.

‘And you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me, and at every table, I’ll save you a seat, lover.’

“I can definitely see why you relate to this song so much. You and your dirty jokes” Aaron grinned.

“It’s about us both- you idiot. And it’s you who’s always saving me a spot at the pub.” Aaron blushed slightly at that before looking at Robert and smiling softly “I guess you’re right, lover.” Robert grinned again, feeling ridiculously happy that his husband was actually enjoying this.

As the song finished Robert said “so one for our next wedding then huh.”

“We need to break up first before we have another wedding.”

“Oi, not necessarily” Robert laughed, looking for the next song he wanted Aaron to hear.

  “Right talking about wedding’s, I really like this song- it’s a happy one.”

“Well yeah that would be nice” Aaron replied sarcastically.

  (Paper Rings)

‘I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings.’

“Did she-“ Aaron started laughing “wow this song really is made for you, you love shiny things.”

“Yeah, but I would have married you with a paper ring if I had to.”

“Hmm- might have been safer and all what with you going back in the water for a bloody ring.” It wasn’t something they talked about often and when they did it was either during a serious conversation or like this, a thrown away comment. Another one of those things that now seemed like almost a lifetime ago.

“I guess” Robert half smiled, lifting his head up so he could look at the other man properly. “I had to though. It seemed right.”

“I know I know” Aaron shushed him, reassuring him that he wasn’t angry about it, wasn’t ever really. Just glad that Robert wasn’t hurt during that romantic but definitely quite (very) stupid gesture.

 ‘I want to drive away with you, I want your complications too, I want your dreary Mondays.’

They listened to the rest of the song in silence. Aaron with a smile on his face, the hand that was resting on his stomach tapping along in time with the beat. When the song finishes Robert looks up at him expectantly. “Yeah liked it, good beat I guess.” Robert nodded happily knowing that was a glowing review from Aaron. “So a good addition to the playlist then?” Aaron couldn’t resist rolling his eyes but he nodded regardless.

 “Right-“ Robert started. “So this is a breakup song.”

“You put a breakup song on the playlist?” Aaron exclaimed.

“Well- yeah. But not all of the songs on there are happy, are they?” He questioned.

“Not sure, hope most are though” Aaron frowned.

“Do listen though. It doesn’t actually sound sad, it’s just the lyrics that are sad.” Robert tried to explain probably rather clumsily.

“C’mon then.”

 (Death By A Thousand Cuts)

‘I get drunk, but it’s not enough. Cause the morning comes and you’re not my baby.’

‘I see you everywhere, the only thing we share is this small town.’

Robert has his eyes on Aaron’s face while listening, but the younger man doesn’t give anything away. Maybe it’s because Aaron doesn’t recognize himself in the lyrics. Robert definitely does.

‘You said it was a great love, one for the ages.’

At this Aaron frowns, looking down at Robert who still has his head on his shoulder. The older man gives him a tiny smile and Aaron mirrors it, a knowing glint to the look in his eyes.

‘Tryna find a part of me that you didn’t touch.’

Robert remembers hearing that line for the first time and the panic that almost clawed at his chest. He couldn’t help think that Aaron might have felt that way back when they were broken up. He looks at Aaron carefully, the movement alerting the other man. Aaron just moves his head a bit so it’s touching Robert’s but he doesn’t say anything yet. When it finishes Robert grabs his phone to stop the next song from playing. “So, what do you think?”

“I get what you mean- it wasn’t sad but it was” Aaron states and Robert nods.

“Shall I take it out of our playlist?” Robert asks.

“No- don’t. I do like it.”

“I do too, just glad I don’t feel like that anymore.” Robert laughs half-heartedly.

“When you used to get drunk a lot.” Aaron says, moving his head slightly so that he can look at Robert.

“Uh yeah, I guess” Robert says, hadn’t really expected Aaron to remember any of the lyrics.

“Does the song remind you of me and Alex?” Aaron asks suddenly and Robert’s eyes widen, a heavy weight suddenly pressing on his chest.

“No-“ he stammers.

“Sorry-“ Aaron says, a sad look on his face. “I didn’t mean to make you upset- sorry.” He was shaking his head and Robert wanted the sad look on his husband’s face to go away.

“I am not upset- it’s fine honestly. Well I mean like I guess it makes me think of all sorts you know? Everything that happened during that time, so also you with someone else but not just that” he tried to explain. It was starting to become a weird conversation but Robert preferred to just keep talking instead of changing the subject. They were so solid and secure now that they always tried to have difficult conversations even if their first instinct told them to change or dismiss the subject.

Aaron nods understandingly “I never tried to get rid of you though, not really. I couldn’t. I never wanted to forget certain memories, things we did, things we loved.”

Robert feels dangerously close to tears. Deep down he had known this, the things Aaron had told him the night they got back together and the days and even weeks after that confirming it for him time and time again.

The way Aaron had once again been able to read him so easily should probably almost scare him but it didn’t, it never would. “I am glad” is all he could say and Aaron smiled at him beautifully, moving his head again so it was touching Robert’s.

 “So is the next song another sad but also not sad one” Aaron said breaking the silence.

Robert shook his head “no, we have had them all.”

“Seriously?! But we’ve only had three songs.”

“I know- there are loads on the actual album but not all appropriate for our playlist.”

“Oh” Aaron almost sounded disappointed and Robert laughed dropping a kiss to Aaron’s shoulder. “You enjoyed our little listening party then?” Aaron didn’t respond seeming lost in thought. “Hey” Robert tried as a way of getting the younger man’s attention.

“Which song made you cry then?”

“I wasn’t crying” Robert tries unsuccessfully, to be honest he’d almost forgotten about being caught by Liv (and Aaron) and had hoped the younger man had forgotten as well.

“I know you were, you always cry at songs and movies, I know you.”

Robert sighed and Aaron added “I am not laughing at you or anything, I just want to know, I am curious.”

“I wasn’t really crying though- it just-“ Robert tried finding the right words.

“Got to you” Aaron filled in for him and he nodded. He picked up his phone stretching his arm over his husband’s stomach.

 When he had properly listened to the lyrics of the song it had shocked him how much it seemed to be about him. How appropriate it had seemed for certain moments in his life, especially those involving Aaron. He didn’t want to end their night on a sad note and with the way Aaron could read him so well he wasn’t sure if he could avoid it.

“Right, here ya go” Robert said burying his face into the crook of Aaron’s neck. He had skipped the song a few times today because even though he loved it, it did bring up memories and thoughts that weren’t all happy and he’d been wanting to avoid feeling upset.

 (Afterglow)

‘I blew things out of proportion, now you’re blue. Put you in jail for something you didn’t do.’

Only a few words into the song, Robert could feel his husband trying to look at him but Robert didn’t move.

‘Chemistry ‘till it blows up, ‘till there’s no us. Why’d I have to break what I love so much? It’s on your face, and I’m to blame. I need to say.’

There was more movement from the younger man but Robert decided to not respond. He let Aaron grab his hand though. Letting him link their fingers together resting their hands on his stomach.

‘Hey, it’s all me, in my head. I’m the one who burned us down. But it’s not what I meant. Sorry that I hurt you. I don’t wanna do, I don’t wanna do this to you. I don’t wanna lose, I don’t wanna lose this with you.’

The chorus spoke to Robert on a different level, his jaw dropping when he heard it for the first time. They were all the words Robert had wanted to say to Aaron, multiple times during their journey to get where they were now. And not just then also now. Because wasn’t it exactly what had happened again. He was facing life in prison, he was about to mess up everything they had known once again. He hadn’t meant for it to happen, he never did. He felt the familiar feeling of self-hatred pulsing through his body, the feeling of his tears building up. He didn’t ever want to ruin things between him and Aaron but why did it sometimes feel like that’s all he did.

‘It’s so excruciating to see you low. Just wanna lift you up and not let you go.’

Wasn’t that always the truth when it came to Aaron. It’s why Aaron still believes Robert will probably only go down for a year. The truth will kill Aaron and he wants to postpone it for as long as he possible can even though he knows the younger man won’t thank him for it.

“Rob you awake?” Aaron mutters, untangling their hands so he can touch his shoulder gently.

“Yeah” Robert responds, lifting his head up to see Aaron who’s smiling down at him softly. He shifts so they are now just laying next to each other.

“Robert, if you think that song is about you, you’re wrong. It’s about both of us.”

“You always do that” Robert says knowing what Aaron means. The younger man always ready to defend Robert against his own mind. How many times had he told Robert that the reason they didn’t work out all the times before wasn’t just on him.

“Because I am right” Aaron counters, smiling. “But I will tell you every day if I have to. We both made mistakes and we will continue to do so in the future god knows, but you know as well as I do that we are already so much better than we ever were. We’re a team. As long as we share stuff and communicate it’s going to be okay. In all seriousness Robert, you know I hate to think that you still carry all that blame. We’re amazing now let’s enjoy it yeah? We deserve it.”

Robert nodded trying to swallow away the lump that had formed in his throat during his husband’s little speech. Reassuring words from Aaron were always able to make him feel safe and secure but now it also made his guilt almost unbearable. But he can’t tell him, can’t wipe away the soft smile on his husband’s face, the way his eyes are watching him expectantly.  

“I love you so so much” is what Robert tells him instead.

“I love you more” Aarons says lifting himself up to drop a kiss to his forehead, nose and finally his lips. Robert sighs letting himself sink into this content feeling completely. We’re amazing now let’s enjoy it his husband had said and he was going to bury himself in all the happy moments they were still going to have. He lifts himself up to return the favour, grabbing Aaron’s face and kissing him deeply.

 They lay there like that for a while, just enjoying the silence.

Robert grins, a question forming on his lips “shall we listen again?”

“You better be joking. I just want to sleep now.”

Robert laughs fondly “but you know where to find them.”

“Mhh” Aaron mumbles sleepily.

  And If Robert catches his husband listening to some of their news songs tomorrow nobody else would have to know.

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

19 Feuds that Prove No One Does Drama Better than Celebrities

Don’t you simply dislike drama? It’s so wearying. There are just so many acts you have to deal with. Making the popcorn. Buttering the popcorn. Seeing a good seat. But we do what have to do. Advertisement div > Nobody does drama better than luminaries . b> div > Getty Images So while we know it’s a lot of work, it’s time to get up and start searching the cabinets for the Orville and get poppin.’ Here are 19 of the craziest celebrity feuds of all time. Advertisement div > div > Megyn Kelly vs. Jane Fonda div > via: Getty Images Talk about a face-off between two seriously strong and terrifying alpha-females. It’s a miracle that Megyn Kelly didn’t instantly turn to stone after she received the look of death from Jane Fonda, after asking her about plastic surgery on live television. Jane successfully evaded the issue and redirected those discussions back to the movie but Fonda was nowhere near done talking about the incident. She went on to criticise Kelly in various subsequent interrogations, claiming that Kelly is” not a good examiner” for expecting a question that was ” so inappropriate .” On her see, Megyn Kelly is a response to Fonda’s comments in a highly organized attack. She blamed Jane Fonda for her contentious trip to Vietnam in’ 72 which earned her the unfavorable nickname “Hanoi Jane” and claimed that Fonda” had not yet been business castigating anyone on what prepares as offensive .” Advertisement div > div > Vin Diesel vs. Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson div > via: Getty Images Perhaps these two celebs were duelling it out for best baldy in Hollywood. While killing the final representations of Fast and Furious 8 , em> Dwayne’ The Rock’ Johnson posted an likenes hashtagged with the quotation “zero tolerance for candy-asses.” While it was unclear at the time who precisely’ The Rock’ was specific referring to as a candy-ass, another post of Johnson’s would clear up any candy-ass confusion. It was an image of the direct and crew under which he thanked practically everyone from the plane service girlfriend to Fast and Furious Fans, yet nowhere in his affix did he thanks the films co-producer, Vin Diesel. And while’ The Rock’ continued to confirm the squabble on the welcome mat of the film’s debut, Vin Diesel managed to defuse suspected hostilities that same night, by commenting on the closeness of the two’s relationship. It’s not always easy being an alpha. And it’s two alphas. Being an alpha is sometimes a pain in the ass . em> Tell me about it, Vin. But at the end of the day, according to Diesel, the people we consider to be our category are our genealogy, candy-assed or not. At my house,[ Dwayne Johnson] is’ Uncle Dwayne’ and I’m proud of that . em> Oh, gag me with a spoon! This ” duel” between two of the( presumably) “toughest” chaps in Hollywood perfectly epitomizes just how sorry workers are at the skill of drama. Unlike female feuds, where a public oral combat to the death follows, in which no youth, grandmother, pet, or blasphemed secret is off limits. Just look at Megyn Kelly, she had to dig back 40 years to come up with a half-decent clap-back, but she dug in with both paws and did the drudgery, like a real woman. Was it right? Absolutely not. But at the least her backside isn’t eternally sticky, like these candy-ass baldies. Advertisement div > div > Jay-Z vs. Kanye West div > via: Getty Images When the two mega hip-hop masters first worked together, rumors began to run that Jay-Z didn’t want to sign Kanye on with Roc–AFella Registers but claims to have half-heartedly signed him in an attempt to” at the least, keep the trounces in-house .” While the two seemed to develop a friendship despite any past matters, Kanye made it clear in his song about the relations between the two countries( yes, a song about their relationship ), Big Brother, that he was still butthurt. Apparently, Kanye didn’t realize being toldby Jay-Z to start buy tickets to his substantiate after asking his big bro for a duo and expressed this sentiment in his lyrics… Only situation I wanna know is why I get ogled over. I guess I’ll understand when I get more older. Big brother experienced me at the bottom of the totem. Now I’m on the top and everybody on the scrotum . em> When Jay Z didn’t accompanied Kanye and Kim’s wedding nuptials, West replied,” All that, I wouldn’t even speak on. It doesn’t even matter to me whatsoever .” And afterward, after both of their children were born, Kanye greatly carried angst toward his “big brother” where reference is articulated,” Our children ain’t never even played together.” Eventually, Jay Z “ve had enough” of Kanye’s evaluations, and so he announced Kanye out in his line “KILL JAY” for his” f-everybody posture” and continues at, calling West “insane.” Apparently, West had also had enough and made am of the view that TIDAL owed him 3 billion dollars right before officially chipping ties with the streaming service. Jay-Z lately addressed the bro-drama, clarifying,” I enjoy Kanye. I do. It’s a complicated affair with us … But it’s gonna, we gonna ever be good .” Why didn’t these two time get onto over with and debate it out, face-to-face, 8 Mile status? Advertisement div > div > Susan Sarandon vs. Debra Messing div > via: Getty Images Get “re ready for” revenge of the redheads. Things curdled political in a twitter struggle between Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing after Sarandon suggested that she may not backing Hilary Clinton, should Bernie Sanders be booted out of the presidential race. Messing publicly carried the issue as to whether Sarandon would share her same sentiment should she be” poverty-stricken, homosexual, Muslim or an immigrant” in a tweet. Despite Sarandon clarifying that she would not be voting for Donald Trump, the two went back and forth on titter aiming, at least publicly, with Messing announcing Sarandon’s principles “sanctimonious.” Advertisement div > div > Katy Perry vs. Taylor Swift div > via: Getty Images While it seemed as though the two pop-icons were affectionate for some time, that would all change after various of Taylor Swift’s backup dancers unexpectedly cease and were abruptly booked to perform on Katy Perry’s tour. After years of speculation, Swift eventually interpreted the incident that extended her to write her epic-smash-hit “Bad Blood” about Perry, in an interview with Rolling Stone. She claims that Perry” mostly tried to sabotage an part realm expedition of hers by hiring her gang out from under her. In return, Katy alleged Swift of” trying to assassinate her person .” After several years and a few ballads, the popping combat finally came to a shut when Perry literally referred an olive branch to Swift with a tone calling a moratorium and formally rationalizing for her part in the mess. Taylor posted a picture of the notation and olive branch on Instagram with the caption,” Thank you Katy” along with a centre emoji. We’re not sure precisely who was right and who was wrong in this hot mess of a theatre but points to Perry for the elegant gesticulate and same to Swift for knowing when it’s time to let go of “Bad Blood” and just move on. Advertisement div > div > Neil Patrick Harris vs. James Woods div > via: Getty Images In reference to an image of an 8-year-old boy with their own families at Pride, James Woods tweeted a response that is as inappropriate as it is offensive. The actor wrote,” This is sweet. Wait until this poor adolescents grows up, realizes what you’ve done, and materials both of you amputated into a freezer in the garage.” Wait, huh? We’re disorient and James Woods is weird. Neil Patrick Harris fired back at Woods, announcing specific comments, “Utterly ignorant and classless .” Harris continued, lending,” I’m friends with this family. You know not of what you speak, and should be ashamed of yourself .” Amen, Neil Patrick. Urge! Advertisement div > div > Sarah Jessica Parker vs. Kim Cattrall div > via: Getty Images We hate to abound your bubble, but rumors regarding Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall’s strained liaison supported true when, upon the enact of her brother, Cattrall wrote this remorseless call-out on Instagram TAGEND My Mom asked a question today “When will that @sarahjessicaparker, that charlatan, leave you alone? ” Your incessant contacting out is a unpleasant reminder to seeing how brutal “youve been” was later and now. Let me make this Awfully clear.( If I haven’t previously) You are not my family. You are not my friend. So I’m writing to tell you one last-place time to stop manipulating our tragedy in order to restore your’ neat girl’ persona . em> Yikes, wow, and ouch. Advertisement div > div > Lady Gaga vs. Kelly Osbourne div > via: Getty Images After Lady Gaga wrote an open letter to Kelly Osbourne alleging her of has become a “bully,” Osbourne seemed more than simply a bit confused when Gaga apparently attempted to make peace by referring her a birthday cake. Osbourne tweeted : Not to be ungrateful but why would you move me a birthday cake via MY MOTHER in a country half the world apart? #EatMySh* t Hmmm. Well, we’re not entirely sure why Gaga moved her anything at all, and we’re too not sure she understands the word, “ungrateful.” If Lady Gaga sends you a cake, you eat it, and you like it. Advertisement div > div > Jennifer Lawrence vs. Chloe Sevigny div > via: Getty Images While it seems to be the general consensus that actress Jennifer Lawrence is likable, according to colleague actress, Chloe Sevigny, she’s really not. In an interrogation with V store, Sevigny was explained that while she adoration fellow actresses Angelina Jolie and Emma Stone, “shes not”, I reiterate, NOT, a fan of J-Law. Jennifer Lawrence, I find exasperating. Too indelicate . em> Okay, Chloe, route to tell it like it is. And while Sevigny is certainly entitled to her belief, one might find such an unprompted proclamation, I don’t know, extremely crass? Advertisement div > div > Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Martha Stewart div > via: Getty Images It all began when Martha Stewart was asked her belief on Gwyneth Paltrow’s attempt to break into the “lifestyle” industry with her managerial Goop em> launch. Stewart seemed less than impressed and seemed to question the faithfulnes of Paltrow’s professional pursuits. But Stewart wasn’t done slamming the stellar, going on to eventually articulate that Gwyneth” simply needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her play, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart .” Gwyneth responded by recommending she was totally unphased by Stewart’s comments but, if anything, was flattered that Martha considered her as “competition.” Perhaps Martha was merely welcoming Paltrow to the table … in her own, crafty way. After all, the fine art of passive-aggressiveness is prerequisite to lifestyle living. And, apparently, Gwyneth can hold her own just fine. Advertisement div > div > Angelina Jolie vs. Chelsea Handler div > via: Getty Images After news broke of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce, Chelsea Handler did not hesitate to express her thinkings on the divide, calling Jolie a” f *#% ing lunatic” and the divorce” an emancipation” of kinds for Pitt. The explanation behind Handler’s blatant disfavor of Angelina Jolie is an age-old and widely acceptable excuse for disliking a fellow female; She messed around with her friend’s man. That’s right. Handler is good friends with Pitt’s jilted ex, Jennifer Aniston. It all obligates ability now. Advertisement div > div > Kim Kardashian vs. Chloe Grace Moretz div > via: Getty Images As soon as the internet rebooted after Kim Kardashian’s naked selfie briefly break-dance it, Kim was reacted with a fling from actress Chloe Grace Moretz. Moretz replied to Kardashian scant selfie by reminding Kim that she is an example to young girls who need to know that they are” so much more than precisely their own bodies .” However, Moretz’ assault at a feministic reply seemed to backfire when she was immediately flung online for seemingly slut-shaming Kardashian. Kim replied to Chloe Moretz with a classily immature Kardashian tone that one plainly cannot compete with, tweeting,” Let’s all welcome @ ChloeGMoretz to quaver, since no one were aware that she is. Your nylon shield is charming boo .” Not simply did Kim hurl the hypocrisy of the tweet( considering Moretz recent NUDE Nylon periodical cover. Oh sorry, technically I guess she has a cardigan wrap over her shoulders because I know that’s always how I rock my favorite cardigan) but she also insinuated that Chloe Grace Moretz isn’t exactly a household name, to put it gently. In other words, she’s a hypocrite AND a nobody. One can’t deny that Kim can hold her own. Advertisement div > div > Khloe Kardashian vs. Amy Schumer div > via: Getty Images In her SNL monologue, Amy Schumer cracked pranks at Khloe Kardashian’s recent weight loss. We used to have Khloe, you are familiar? Khloe was ours, right? But then Khloe, she lost half their own bodies heavines. She lost a Kendall . em> And considering all the flack Kardashians get for not inevitably being the most culturally persuasive home, Khloe Kardashian’s comments Schumer’s oration were impressively astute. During an impression on The Howard Stern Show , Kardashian pointed out just how sanctimonious Amy Schumer’s comments certainly were. I was more disrupt that someone claims they’re like a girl’s girl and that they’re all about girls empowerment, and then she says that I’m not relatable because I’m not fat anymore … I’m proud, I’ve worked for three [ email kept ] *% ing years to do this. Schumer, who is also commonly criticized for her value, retrospectively seemed to see the double standard she was continuing in her harangue as she promptly apologized to Khloe and agreed that all women, solid and scrawny alike, should lift each other up. Advertisement div > div > Justin Bieber vs. Orlando Bloom div > via: https :// www.gettyimages.com Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber have a long and even violent biography that revolves around Blooms ex-wife, model Miranda Kerr. It is believed that Justin Bieber made a comment to Bloom at a nightclub that somehow alleged that he and Kerr had been intimate during her marriage to Bloom. As you can imagine, thoughts spiraled downward from there and ended with many gales being thrown, although none landed. Justin Bieber continued to throw punches on Twitter after the physical showdown had ended by affixing an image of Miranda Kerr and soon after, another image of Orlando Bloom apparently visibly psychological over the exchange. Advertisement div > div > Rihanna vs. Ciara div > via: Getty Images On Fashion Police , em> Singer Ciara claimed that Rihanna “wasn’t the nicest” when meeting her in the past. In response to this apparently unsolicited throw, Rihanna tweeted back with a vengeance. My bad Ci, did I 4get to gratuity u ? em> Daaaamn , now that is harsh. And kind of demonstrates Ciara’s comment may not have been that unwarranted after all but it doesn’t seem like Rhianna really is all that concerned with being “the nicest,” anyway. Advertisement div > div > Brooke Shields vs. Tom Cruise div > via: Getty Images In her memoir, Down Came the Rain , Brooke Shields endorsed the use of antidepressants to analyse postpartum recession but Tom Cruise made it clear that he was not in agreeance with Brooke on the issue. In an interview with the Today display, Cruise announced Sheilds ” reckless” for promoting antidepressants without” telling beings the risks .” Brooke responded with what is perhaps the classiest organize of clapping back ever. She wrote an op-ed in the New York Times in which she writes,” I’m going to take a wild guess and say that Mr. Cruise has never suffering from postpartum sadnes .” Cruise was left with no choice but to apologize, which he did, and even departed as far as to invite Shields to his and Kaie Holmes’ upcoming bridal, to which Brooke accepted. Awkward. Advertisement div > div > Nicki Minaj vs. Miley Cyrus div > via: Getty Images The fighting paroles at the 2015 VMA’s between the two celebs seemed to have stanch from Miley’s Halloween costume that year … which was ” Nicki Minaj .” Apparently, Minaj was also upset over comments Cyrus had made about Minaj’s reaction to not being nominated for Video of the Year. On stage at the VMA’s, Nicki slammed out at the former Disney star. And now, back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me the other epoch in the press the other daylight ,” she shelled, before delivering one of pop culture’s standout times of 2015, the soon to be shared and memed,” Miley, what’s good ? em> Eek. Can’t answer we didn’t see that coming. Advertisement div > div > Taylor Swift vs. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West div > via: Getty Images It all started with the odious mic swipe onstage by Kanye at the 2009 MTV Music Awards, heightened with Swift’s response to Kayne via her song pick at the 2010 VMA’s. Cue apology from Kayne and all is seemingly well in the world. Until it’s not. Kanye’s release of Famous reignited the drama and deepened tensions to brand-new levels. I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex Why? I started that bitch famous I realized that bitch prominent Taylor Swift was not delighted, to say the least. Swift claimed never to have approved the offensive texts and addressed their misogynistic feeling in her adoption lecture for recording of the year at the Grammys, telling young women never to let anyone to take ascribe for their success. While Kim and Kanye attempted to claim that Taylor did approve the words by exhausting sound recordings of conversations with Swift made by the couple without Swift’s knowledge, the whole shady proposal culminated up backfiring when the strip was outed as being edited. Swift continued to call out Kanye and Kim the best way she knew how, through her music. Her album, Reputation , em> were considered to be riddled with hurls of Kanye West and we can’t say we accuse her. This neverending feud takes the cake for most drawn-out celeb drama to date. Advertisement div > div > And while acts seem to have rectified down for the moment … b> div > You exactly never know when the drama will show itself next. Share this with the spectacular people in your life! 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