#also a galaxy so I could just Smart Switch all my old crap onto the new one (thank fuck it has a TON of storage space)

[hoodieimp]

GUESS WHO'S GOT A NEW PHONE FOLKS

[razieltwelve]

Product #1 (Fangrai AU Snippet)

In retrospect, allowing Vanille to develop killer robots had been a mistake. Admittedly, her killer robots were very good. There wasn’t a single enemy of the clans that hadn’t felt the overwhelming might of wave after wave of killer robots. Unfortunately, Vanille had a small problem when it came to killer robots.

She never thought they were deadly enough.

Machine guns? Please. Those were for chumps.

Plasma cannons? Better. But she’d been using those in her killer robots for years.

Liquid metal bodies capable of reforming after being blasted with heavy artillery? Cute. And handy. Who didn’t want a killer robot who could also act as a can opener?

When Fang heard maniacal laughter coming from Vanille’s lab, she should have done the smart thing and run. She also should have grabbed a grenade, pulled the pin on it, and tossed it into the lab to kill off whatever nightmarish abomination of metal and circuitry Vanille had just come up with.

Alas, because she loved Vanille very much, she did not do either of those things. Instead, she took the tray with Vanille’s lunch on it and carried it into the lab. Her little sister, despite being a genius, could also be incredibly stupid when it came to food. If she had her way, she would have lived off nothing but pizza pockets and energy drinks.

“What did you do this time?” Fang drawled. To be on the safe side, she had brought her spear with her. It’s plasma-enhanced blade and mono-molecular ribbon whip form had come in handy more times than she liked to think about.

“I…” Vanille rose to her full height and finding that insufficiency, the scientist leapt onto her desk. “I… have created the ultimate killer robot! I call her… Model #1!”

“Her?” Fang asked. In the past, Vanille had referred to all of her killer robots as male. 

“Yes, her.” Vanille cackled with the kind of madness only a true genius could muster and gestured extravagantly at a tank of opaque liquid in the middle of the room. “Behold my greatest work!”

“Vanille, that looks like a tank of murky water.”

Vanille turned. “Oh, wait. That’s not it. That’s my old fish tank.” She looked around and then gestured at a different tank of murky water. “That’s it!” She pressed a button, and the water drained away to reveal… a naked woman.

“Oh, good grief. Please, tell me that you didn’t kidnap some poor woman -”

“I have never kidnapped…” Vanille paused and cleared her throat in the most suspicious way ever. “I have not kidnapped anyone recently. Despite her appearance, she is actually my killer robot.”

Fang took a closer look at the alleged killer robot. If she was indeed a killer robot, she was certainly very nice to look at. The killer robot had vivid pink hair, pale skin, and aristocratic features. Thanks to the fact that she was naked, Fang could also see that she appeared to be completely anatomically accurate as well. She winced. Vanille really did pay far too much attention to detail.

“Vanille, why does your newest killer robot look like a person?”

“Think about it, Fang. So far, we’ve only used my killer robots in pitched battles or to wipe out insurgents. But what if they could do infiltration missions too? They could sneak in, blend in with everyone else, and then… BAM! Instant robot-based death everywhere! None of my enemies would be safe!”

Fang raised one eyebrow. Vanille was supposed to be making killer robots for the clans, not to wipe out her personal enemies. 

“I see… and you made the killer robot look like a supermodel because…?”

“Because making her look awesome was way more fun than making her look lame. Besides, if you had to stare at the same killer robot for weeks on end, you’d want the killer robot to look cool too.” Vanille nodded sagely. “Plus, remember those RPGs I used to play? It’s like character customisation but in real life.”

“You still play them. You were almost tossed out of the last clan council meeting because you were playing them during the meeting.”

“Oh, please. The only reason that stupid council president wanted to throw me out was because he was playing too except I was beating him!” Vanille huffed. “Besides, it won’t be a problem. The next election is coming up next year, and I’m sure to win.”

Fang stared. “Vanille, have you hacked our election system?”

“I wouldn’t say I hacked it, so much as they made the colossal mistake of asking me to set it up.”

“Etro save us.” Fang covered her face with one hand. “Never mind. So that’s your killer robot?”

“Yep, and you’re just in time. I’m about to switch her on.” Vanille pressed another button. “And here we go.”

X     X     X

“Are you sure she isn’t broken?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Something touched her chest. “Damn it, I can’t get the chest compartment open…”

“Are you sure you’re not just groping her, Vanille?”

“Fang! I would never! She’s my precious killer robot baby.”

Lines of text scrolled across her vision. Several subroutines cycled into place. Her sensors were flooded with data.

X     X     X

“Uh… Vanille… her eyes are open.” Fang pointed at the killer robot whose eyes were indeed open. They were a startlingly bright shade of blue, and they were narrowed in what was a truly menacing glare. “And she doesn’t look happy.”

Vanille stepped away from the killer robot. “That’s odd. I could have sworn I installed the smiling protocol, along with all of the other emotions. Maybe she’s just grumpy because she woke up.” She smiled. “Greetings, robot, I am your creator. You may address me as… The Awesome One.”

“No.”

Fang sniggered. “Well, that didn’t take long.”

“What? I am your creator!”

“You are Professor Oerba Dia Vanille.” The robot’s voice would have been wonderful to listen to if it wasn’t so clipped and terse. “You are indeed my creator, but my files also indicate that you are severely lacking in social grace. I would be well advised to ignore your advice in such areas.”

“…” Vanille leaned forward. “What files?”

“You were also groping my chest. My files suggest such actions are uncouth and perverted.”

“What? I was simply going to pop open your chest compartment to see if there was a wire not plugged in properly or something.”

“Unlikely. Based on the files I possess regarding your past behaviour, perversion is a more likely explanation by at least 75%.”

Fang laughed. “Oh, Vanille, I think I might like this one.”

The robot tilted her head to one side. “It is also considered rude to stare at someone when they are naked. You have both been staring at me.” She paused. “You are Oerba Yun Fang. My files indicate that you and the professor are considered siblings. It is thus highly likely that you are also perverted.”

“…” Fang gaped.

“If no one will get me clothes, I will open fire,” the killer robot said.

“With what exactly?” Fang asked.

“Give me one moment.” The robot’s eyes glazed for a second before she replied. “The majority of my weaponry is not physically present in this universe. Instead, it exists in a subspace that I can access using subspace transmission and retrieval.”

Fang’s head whipped around, so she could pin Vanille in place with a glare. “You solved the subspace problem and the first thing you did was give a killer robot stupidly huge amounts of weaponry to store in its own subspace?”

Vanille shrugged. “I did send a paper off for publications, but it’s still in review. There are like… I don’t… three people alive who can understand the math, and I don’t think Sazh is willing to review any of my papers anymore after the last time…”

“You mean the nano-machine plague you almost unleashed that could have wiped out biological life in the galaxy?”

“That would be the one.”

“At present, I have access to fifteen plasma cannons capable of inter-planetary range along with more than two dozen rail guns, and batteries of various missiles, lasers, ballistic firearms and artillery, as well as a singularity cannon and molecular destabilisation cannon.”

Fang had no words, absolutely no words. This killer robot was carrying enough weaponry to wipe out several solar systems.

“Wait!” Vanille cried. “You can’t do that. Directive #1 prevents it.”

“I find no such directives in my files.”

Vanille winced. “Crap… I knew i forget something.”

Fang grabbed her sister. “Are you telling me that you invented the most deadly killer robot in history, and it doesn’t have the Safety Directives installed? Are you insane?”

“By most standards, I believe she would be considered insane.” The killer robot sighed. It was a surprisingly human gesture. “But destroying this place would be pointless. It would simply force the clan military to destroy me, and I am not strong enough to fight them. Yet.”

“Yet?”

“Well, I did design her to grow increasingly powerful,” Vanille said proudly. “I mean… she’ll be absolutely invincible in about a year or two.”

“That is not a good thing!”

“Relax.” Vanille smirked. “I’ve got this.” Vanille dug through her desk. “Here. Have some of this.”

It was a slice of the most expensive, delicious cake in the entire galaxy. Vanille had some delivered everyday.

The killer robot peered at the cake. “Are you attempting to bribe me to ensure your continued existence?”

“I’m merely pointing out what you’d be missing out on if you go rogue. If you help us out, I’ll make sure you get plenty of cake.”

The killer robot took a tentative bite out of the slice of cake… and let out the most erotic moan that Fang had ever heard before collapsing to her knees and twitching.

“What… the…?”

Vanille grinned evilly. “She hasn’t had time to calibrate her senses yet, so I knew the awesomeness of the super, ultra delicious chocolate cake would be too much for her. I mean… it’s almost too much for me, and I eat the stuff everyday -”

BOOM.

A few seconds later, looking considerably fried, Vanille and Fang looked around. Bolts of lightning had destroyed much of the lab.

“It seems I lost control for a moment.” The killer robot got to her feet. “Unexpected electrical discharge seems to be a symptom of that.”

“Well, at least I know what to call you now since I can’t call you Product #1 forever.” Vanille cackled. “I’ll call you… Lightning.”