#also a deeply privileged thing to admit I know. my surprise is mostly the degree to which ‘global homophobia is a colonial artefact’

[communistkenobi]

the more I read about contemporary homophobic laws globally the more it becomes apparent that there is basically a 1:1 direct relationship between whether a country was under historic British rule and how many anti-sodomy laws they currently have on the books. like I knew this in a general sense but not the staggering degree to which this was the case. and I know this probably isn’t really shocking especially given how insanely anti-trans the UK is right now but it’s kind of insane to see just how much homophobia is a comprehensively global export of the British

[hostile-southern]

Sweet Lies, Sweet Love

There was so much disdain for me in Pup's words. I never expected for them to love me, but it's confusing that they seem to hate me. Why not let me go, then? Well, if I had to make an educated guess... What upset P the most is how things made them look, so that's probably why. 

I've proven myself to be a beloved figure, but that's not because of how I appear. No, people actually like me, because I spend time with people, listen to them, and make them feel seen. People don't actually like P; they're afraid of them. 

I don't know what P really wants, but perhaps they're jealous of me. I might be, too, if I cared about how I was seen. I mean, I do to some degree, but I care more about how I'm felt, which is much more complex... 

I'm sure P would tell me I'm overthinking, though, because they tend to be  lazy and dismissive; I'm not thinking too much, though... Like, this really is just the surface of my thoughts; I'm not going to bother with the rest.

Nobody has bothered to explain the rules of #BlackOutTuesday to me--not that anyone owes me an explanation. I'm physically disabled but white and aware of my privilege, and I wholly support #BlackLivesMatter in whatever way I can. I will say it's disappointing how trendy it's becoming to many, but every cause sees similar activity. I suppose it's to be expected. 

I don't really know how to best help, so I'm mostly being quiet today. I won't post this 'til after midnight. (I read that was the purpose, anyway.)

It shouldn't surprise anyone that I "ran away" with P or whatever they've been thinking. I was reading some of my earlier posts, and I was deeply unhappy with my Competitive Friend during the summer. An apology never came, but I'm not the type to burn bridges in most cases. 

It's also clear I didn't intend to get overly involved with my Friend's Friend. So, when things started to trend towards that, I felt trapped, and I wanted an escape. That's why I am where I am. Honestly, yeah, I feel isolated, which is obviously not a great feeling, but I don't feel trapped. 

I could "walk away" at any point, and I would not feel guilty. I don't think anyone would blame me, and if they did, I don't really give a fuck! P really has no type of power over me; I wonder if that's also why they hate me. Who knows.

It's strange. For someone who hates being told what to do, I attract many controlling friends and lovers almost exclusively, and I'm really not sure what's up with that. Maybe it's because I seem weak, but guess what? I'm not.

Add: They didn’t wanna talk to me today, which is fine. They said something about the world being crazy, and my response and everything else I said was ignored. I’ll admit that it kinda got under my skin for a bit. But, I highly suspect they want a messy reaction from me, and that’s not happening.