#also I want a hippopotamus for christmas let's be honest

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Christmas 2018

Christmas fics posted in 2018  (Includes non-English fics) 

Snön ligger vit på taken by MinilocIsland, Treehouse (In Svenska, 62k words) - Det här extrajobbet måste vara den bästa idén Isak någonsin har haft. Långa, ensamma nätter med massor av tid att plugga. Helt chill. Ingenting som stör. Tills den där långa, snygga regissören flyttar in i taksviten. 

Hele Norge Baker by MermaidsandMermen (61k words) - Are you brave enough to stay? Or strong enough to walk away? Isak Valtersen is neither, still reeling with guilt over leaving his little family, walking away from a life that was slowly suffocating him. He’s neither strong or brave, he’s a coward. Stupid, weak and easily led, with no idea how to make things right. He’s made himself a promise though, he is going to stay single and finally take control of his own life. He’s going to be happy. Work hard. Be the best father he can be, and he is never going to let himself get dragged into a relationship again. He’s been there, done that, and it’s not for him. He is going to have a quiet winter, a quiet Christmas and he is going to chill. Lick his wounds and for once just be himself. That’s the plan. 

The First Noel by colazitron (2k words) - Even's parents have a cabin in Hemsedal where the family traditionally spends Christmas. This year, Isak's coming with. 

Fucking Bieber by Kollakolan (6k words) - “So,” Elias starts. “You’ve decided to join us on Christmas Eve?” Isak just nods, as he is just about to take a sip. “Great. It’s not really that complicated. The baskets are already made; you’ll just pick them up and deliver them according to a list of addresses. Oh, and also, you need to be wearing at least a Santa’s hat.” “Since it’s Christmas specials and all,” Mikael adds. 

boys and boys and girls and girls by colazitron (2k words) - Noora meets a handsome boy at the Christmas market one day, but all is not she may have originally thought. 

The first star you see may not be a star by Laika_the_husband (53k words) - In this story of dark and woe Isak is a sex worker who specializes in services of not traditionally sexual nature. Want to watch someone sharpen a pencil really slowly, making a long twirly unbroken strip, for your kicks? Isak's your guy. He is good at his job and he likes it, and it pays the bills while he's studying civil engineering at the Met.It's also convenient that Isak doesn't have to actually touch any of his clients. Because he can't touch anybody, and nobody can touch him, or he'll freak out completely. One day, Isak goes to meet a client, and sees EvenStarr, the video artist whose stuff he loves. And his request is not the most bizarre, but the most disturbing one Isak has ever received. 

Christmas prompts by nofeartina (4k words) - Collection of prompts Tina wrote for on tumblr. 

The wish I wish tonight by imminentinertia (1k words) - A visit to Marianne, and a present, of sorts 

Jumpstart by colazitron (2k words) - Isak and Even spend their first Christmas just the two of them in Trondheim. 

What is the light by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - That year Mom can’t put up the Christmas tree. 

Santa Baby by Laika_the_husband (21k words) - Part 3. The story where the author suddenly found out Isak is polyamorous. And genderqueer. The POV changes every now and then. I'm making this to examine the poly Evak from various angles. 

Expiration Date by Treehouse (5k words) - In the midst if the December stress, Isak has to make use of the gift card Eskild gave him for Christmas last year. A gift card for a freaking massage. 

The Næsheims by Kollakolan (2k words) - “Well, you know the Næsheims?  ”Yes, Isak knows the Næsheims. Or rather, he knows of them, and he knows that Sana knows them. They have a restaurant down town where Sana’s brother works. They’ve gone by a couple of times when Sana needed to hand him keys or something. Isak also knows that the son in the Næsheim family is maybe the hottest guy in all of Oslo. Not that he has told anyone that he think’s so, but I mean come on, it’s not like Isak must spell it out. They have eyes. 

By Your Side by MinilocIsland (1k words) - Some Christmas traditions may not be what they seem, but it doesn't really matter. 

In una sera così serena by imminentinertia (2.6k words) - Isak has had quite enough of Christmas and it's only December 13. 

December 2018 by imminentinertia (Series, 6 Fics) 

bits and pieces of their love by cammm (Series) - One shots. All may not be Chrismassy. 

Ho Ho Ho!!! by MermaidsandMermen (5.5k words) - A big fundraising School Christmas Market, to raise the last bit needed for that big Revue. It will be great. Lots of local families coming to drink glogg and buy hotdogs and do stupid money pinching games. Yes and the kids can meet Santa. Sit on his lap and get a present. Such christmassy fun. 

one thing I really do need by colazitron (3.5k words) - Isak comes home from meeting the boys for some gløgg feeling festive and cheerful. 

Den lengste natta by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 22k words) - Det er fredag den 21. desember 2018 og vintersolverv. Fruktbarhetsguden Frøy, i Evens skikkelse, må for første gang gjøre seg fortjent til den gaven han ønsker seg aller mest; kjærlighet. 18 år gamle Isak syns kjærligheten virker uoppnåelig, helt til han kommer hjem til Oslo på juleferie og besøker Jonas og Eva på kafeen Eldrimni. 

Gay Jesus by unsungyellowraincoat (1k words) - Eskild has an encounter. 

A New Tradition by bri_ness (1k words) - Lea has Isak and Even over for Christmas Eve. 

A different celebration by Kollakolan (3k words) - “We realized a few years ago that we were a few friends who never celebrated Christmas with our families. At first it was just me, Elias, Noora and one of Elias friends. But now usually some exchange students come along as well as other people that we find on the way.” “Like me?” Sana just smiles at him. 

Times like now by nofeartina (3k words) - Isak watches him, looks into Even’s eyes with what light’s left, watches his mouth go slack as Isak slowly puts his hand inside the fly and pulls out Even’s dick. He’s so hard. Isak wants to worship him, wants to show him how perfect he is. 

Warmth by bri_ness (557 words) - Isak doesn't know how to accept a Christmas present from his mom. 

From Spark to Flame by MinilocIsland (1.5k words) - He'd thought he'd be alone in the castle for Christmas as usual. This year, however, there's a slight disruption to Isak's Christmas plans. 

i wish for by hippopotamus (2k words) - Isak just wishes that one person would want to get to know him before they knew that he could do magic. 

i think i recognise your face but i've never seen you before by monsterandmana (1k words) - Even works in a coffee shop. Isak is on the coffee run. It's Christmas. 

Fotokalendern by Kollakolan (In Svenska, 12k words) - Tags says Christmas but not really so I’m not sure. 

The Magician by folerdetdufoler (3.6k words) - the "christmas magic" prompt 

Two truths and one tale by evak1isak (7.6k words) - Isak ends up in Eva's cabin for a Kosegruppa's New Year's Eve Party. And begins the new year with a new boyfriend. 

I'll be home for Christmas by teatrolley (9k words) - They’ve been in Trondheim for half a year now. But for Christmas, they’re coming home. Or: Sometimes the things you were running from become the things you want to run towards 

Merry Kiss My Ass (under the mistletoe) by TheGirlNoOneKnows5 (10k words) - Working in retail during the holiday season is a nightmare. Especially when Isak has to work right alongside his just friend and not at all crush, Even. Among freaky customers, secret santa presents and constant reminders of his one night of passion with Even, Isak doesnt know if he'll make it to the new year. If only he could figure out who was behind all the random mistletoes he keeps finding... 

The Magic of Christmas by wyoheartsmusic (4k words) - Isak hates his job - especially during Christmas; to be honest, he pretty much hates anything involved with Christmas. But then Even comes around and maybe he doesn't hate anything all that much 

o night divine by thekardemomme (4k words) - This is the first Christmas in nearly five years that he’s spending without Isak, and while he still decorated his apartment and bought eggnog and spent an excruciating amount of time wrapping all of his gifts perfectly, the hole in his heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. It creeps in every time he goes to ask Isak for a bow for his gifts, every time he comes home and has to turn on the Christmas lights himself because Isak wasn’t there to do it for him, every time he plays Christmas music much too loud because Isak isn’t studying in the other room and teasingly pleading for him to turn it down a few notches. It also creeps in when he sees Isak’s present sitting under the tree, neatly wrapped. It’s been wrapped for two months, actually. 

I'm Stuck on You by Twinklylightseverywhere (6k words) - Jonas lets out another nervous laugh. Isak wishes his best friend would shut up. “You two will take the spare room. Uh… with one bed.” “ONE BED?” Isak and Even both shout at the exact same time. “Merry Christmas!” 

Mine egne meninger by hjertetssunnegalskap (Crazyheart) (In Norsk, 17k words) - Eva kunne allerede kjenne hjertet banke raskere. Hun visste det var tullete, men med ett bare visste hun at hun kom til å slite med å dele rom med Vilde. Hun kom til å bli gående rundt en feberhet tåke og tenke på Vilde hele helga. Til ingen nytte. Fy faen. Dette kom jo til å bli en helt strålende romjulsferie.  I think this is an Evilde fic. 

Shall I Find No Other by ultimatelawrence (5k words) - Everyone is born with a compass on their body, inked into their skin and commonly on their inner left arm. Instead of pointing to north, the needle on the compass points in the direction of your true soulmate. Even wants to find his as soon as possible. 

hope you're wearing your best clothes by colazitron (2.6k words) - Even's original plan was to get Isak Harry Styles merch. One of those “treat people with kindness” sweatshirts because Isak likes being cosy and he likes Harry Styles and it's a nice slogan. 

[fanfic-inator795]

Hippoworm Holiday drabble: Novelty Carols

((Some pre-dating/still in the just-besties-it's-complicated phase Hippoworm. This idea popped into my head at work yesterday and I just HAD to write it out, lol. Enjoy! ^v^ Also you can read my other RotTMNT holiday drabbles here))

“Come on, come on!” Warren gritted his teeth, shoving his tiny hands right up to the car’s heater and wincing at the cold air that was still blowing out. They really needed a new car…

At the very least, Hypno’s old van was reliable enough to get them to gigs - one of those gigs as of late being Run of the Mill Pizza. They maybe weren’t as popular as that exploding goop guy, but yokai families seemed to like a famous hippo-magician and his worm man-magical assistant well enough - enough to help them pay their rent, at least.

Usually they would have stayed and had dessert after their performance, but that night four certain annoying teenage-turtles were at the pizzeria as well, and Warren knew he wouldn’t be able to enjoy his cannoli while listening to their antics. So Hypno volunteered to get them dessert to go while Warren started the car.

Speaking of which, he could finally start to feel heat coming out of the old air vents. Warren sighed, letting the hot air wash over his nearly frozen body. Worms didn’t have much body heat insulation as it turned out (just another ‘wonderful’ thing about being stuck as a worm…), but at the very least Warren had managed to sew together a decent mini sweater for himself.

Relaxing now, Warren started to hum to himself, not even realizing he was doing it at first. Not many people of New York might have known this, but along with being the best and undoubtedly most handsome news anchor, Warren Stone was also a pretty talented singer. Thinking back on his old life, he could remember many Christmas office parties where he had graced his co-workers with his talents by singing carols.

Maybe it wasn’t something he did all the time, but singing was certainly a fun past time. ...However, participating in singing Christmas carols and humming them just because they were stuck in your head were two VERY different things. “Ugh…” He might have tried turning on the radio to find something to drown the holly jolly tunes out, if not for noticing the now-open portal and his hippo roomie/bestie (and secret crush) walking out of it. His gaze softened as Hypno got into the car.

Hypno shivered. “Dreadfully cold out there! Oh, I got you a coffee,” he said, slipping the cup into the cup holder, “Double expresso with a hit of chocolate and cream.”

Warren’s smile grew, touching the warm cup. A lot of people might have had a bad habit of forgetting about him, but when it came to all things Warren Stone, his hippo roomie had the memory of an elephant. “Thanks, Ron.” Using the straw Hypno had also provided for him, he took a long sip before grabbing his cannoli from the bag.

As the two of them quietly enjoyed their dessert, the warmth of the car and (of course) each other's pleasant company, Warren started humming again. Hypno didn’t mind humming but… the song Warren had chosen did make him pause. “Warren?”

“Hm?” Warren said, mid-chew.

“What’s that you’re humming?”

“Mm-” He swallowed. “Oh, some Christmas song I can’t get out of my head.”

“I figured as such but which song is it?”

“Ugh, one of the novelty ones that they always seem to play,” Warren answered, waving his hand a bit, “I don't know, something like ‘Want a Hippopotamus for Chris-’” 

He stopped, and closed his eyes as his face turned a shade pinker. He did manage to keep from facepalming, though for once part of him actually wished for something to randomly fly out of nowhere and cut him in half.

Hypno gave him a bit of a cheeky smile to try and cut through the awkwardness. “You know if we’re being completely honest, I’m actually quite flattered!”

“Ughhh…” Warren sunk deeper into his sweater as he groaned. Hypno chuckled as he leaned over, patting his partner's back and nuzzling his poofy hair a bit.

[lovemesomesurveys]

How long has loneliness been your friend? “My loneliness is killing me...”

Sorry, had to. Anyway, loneliness and I go way back. I’d go through bouts of feeling lonely and also in the sense that I’m alone with my own mind and thoughts and no one really understands what I’m feeling and dealing with. Like, people can relate to some things and sympathize/empathize, but no one really knows exactly what someone is feeling and going through, ya know? That can feel lonely. I’m also someone who likes their alone time, though. I need it. Like I said, feelings of loneliness kinda comes and goes, but lately I’ve been feeling intensely lonely for some reason. 

When was the last time you remember not being lonely? >> I mean, I don’t feel lonely right now. It’s not a constant feeling, it comes and goes as it pleases. <<< That’s what I was trying to say. 

How many guys have attempted to rape you? Zero, but jeez you could have left this question out. 

When was the last time a cop committed a crime against you? That hasn’t happened.

Who was the last person you missed? There’s a few people I’ll always miss, like a few loved ones who have passed away and former friends.

Who is the last person you heard about who died in a car accident? There was a really sad story I heard recently about a mom and her baby that were killed in a car accident.

Have you ever lost a best friend in a car accident? No. 

Have you ever had a woman try to seduce you sexually? I had a friend who sometimes got flirty when drunk and she was saying sexual things to me. It was very awkward and uncomfortable.  

Do you ever pretend to not be so alone, or are you honest about it? I don’t pretend not to be, it’s just something I don’t talk about with anyone. Apart from in surveys, of course.

Are you wearing leggings right now? Yep. I’m always wearing leggings. 

Do you wish you had a new pair of fuzzy pajamas? >> Nah. I mean, I love fuzzy pajamas, but I can’t wear them. I get too hot. :( <<< Saaaame.

When was the last time you went to church? December 31, 2015.

Do you wish there were a good church in your town? There are. Do you wish you lived in a Christian bubble? I’m a Christian. What’s living in a Christian bubble?

What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? “My Happy Ending” and “I’m With You.”

Who are five of your favorite down-to-earth singers? I don’t know who would be considered a down to earth singer or not.

Is your hair messed up? It’s in a messy pony tail.

Do you wish you could let your anger show, and not hold it in? My irritability, frustration, and moodiness rears its ugly head all the time. It takes control over me. 

Why do you hold in your anger? Like I said, I rarely do. I don’t have much control over it.  Name someone who sexually harassed or abused you. Have you ever told anyone about this? If not, do you want to? Do you fear that no one would believe you? I haven’t experienced that.

What’s one thing you hate about being a woman? It used to be having a menstrual cycle, but I don’t have them anymore.

Do you wish you could be yourself without restraint? I am who I am. It’s not who I want to be, though. I don’t like who I am.

Name one good person you know. My family are good people.

Who would you like to talk to ? No one right now.

Was your last crush a good person, or a heartbreaker? He’s an amazing person. 

Have you ever had a crush like you back and be with you? Shockingly, yes.

Have you ever told someone you had a crush on them? Yes. Well, the 5 people I told were more than just a crush at that point.

Has anyone ever tried to force you to pretend you were suicidal, so they could get money? Wtf?? A question like this was in a previous survey I did recently, too. I’ve never heard of this. Not sure why that’s a question survey makers have come up with. Also, why would someone get money if I pretended to be suicidal? Anyway, I most definitely would not do that.

Who do you wish you could trust? Name one person. I can trust my family.

Has anyone ever accused you of being gay, then tried to seduce you? No.

Would you be more open about your faith if it weren’t for persecution? I don’t hide it.

Do you dream about being loved? I mean, I’d love to experience romantic love someday. 

Who do you love? Name one person . I love my family. That’s more than one person, but *shrug*

Do you wish your parents loved you? They do.

Would you be ok if your parents loved you? My parents do love me. My issues don’t have anything to do with that. Why does everyone hate you? I’ve hurt some people and I’m sure they feel very strongly about me in a negative way. I don’t blame them if they hate me. I know my family doesn’t hate me and that they ove me, but I feel like a total failure and disappointment to them. Not because of anything they’ve said or done, but because of who I am and what I have and haven’t done. I for one definitely hate myself. 

Do you stand up to bullies, or give in to them? I haven’t dealt with any bullies. Well, apart from myself to myself. I’m my own bully.

Do you think it’s ok to last out at someone when you’re angry? No, but unfortunately that’s what often happens. Especially to the ones we love. :(

Why are you so nice? I don’t think I am all that nice. :/ Not anymore. 

Do you realize that most people taking this survey are probably living in a bubble? Why do you say that?

Do you know anyone who’s not selfish?

Yes. My mom is one of the most selfless people I know.

Do you know any true Christian women? Women who aren’t selfish or rude? Yes.

When was the last time you had a hug? Can you remember how many years it’s been? It was just a couple days ago.

When was the lsat time you switched doctors? and do you like your new one? A couple years ago when I had to go to a new pain doctor. Yeah, the new one is fine.

Have you ever overdosed? No.

Do you wish all the people who have tried to kill you would get caught? I don’t think anyone has tried to kill me...

Who was the last couple that you’d expect to get divorced (that did)? Uhh.

Who was the last person that you’d expect to turn on you (that did)? No one has in a long time. I’m the one who pretty much turned on everyone these past few years. :/

Name a church that just wants your money. I don’t know.

What’s the last church you left because of the way you were treated? I haven’t had that issue. I’ve never been a regular church goer.

How bad do you want a mother? I am very fortunate to have my mother. She’s my best friend and my rock. I couldn’t keep going if it weren’t for her.

Do you pretend that you don’t want a mother? Never.

Do you wish you could afford make-up that wouldn’t get ruined when you cry? I don’t care about that. I never wear makeup anymore anyway.

What was the last church you loved that closed down? I haven’t experienced that.

Who was the last friend that betrayed you? I’m the friend who betrayed my friends these past few years. Keep rubbing that in, please.

Name 6 people who have tried to kill you. Wtf. Is that something you’ve experienced or something??

Do you think calling gossip “tea” is stupid? lol I call it that.

Who told you that reaching out to friends for support when you’re grieving a loss is a sin? and is this person a leader at a church? What?? I’ve never heard that.

Do Avril Lavigne songs speak to you? I haven’t listened to her music in several years, including the ones I listed previously, but those and “Complicated” definitely did at one point. Although, “So much for my happy ending...” feels fitting. 

Were you bullied at youth group? I was never in youth group.

Which church has the biggest bullies? I have no idea.

Who lied to the police about you because they were mad at you? No one has done that to me.

Do you trust any of your firends on facebook? My family members on there.

Are you a healer? No.

Do you have supernatural gifts? No.

Does anyone appreciate you? I don’t feel I deserve to be appreciated for anything.

What would you like to tell someone? Merry Christmas and a happy new year to ya’ll.

Do you look your age? I’ve been told I look a lot younger.

Are you sleepy? Always.

Do you hallucinate? No.

Have you ever seen a spirit? No.

Can you see spirits? I’ve never seen any.

What do you want for Christmas? A hippopotamus, haaa.

What’s something the Lord healed you of? One of the things I’m dealing with has healed, and another thing is making progress. There had been no signs of healing for a very long time (years) and I know I haven’t done anything to attribute to it. 

Do you wish you didn’t have to keep your faith a secret? and that you weren’t persecuted? Didn’t you ask that this? I don’t keep it a secret.

Do you wish you were loved? My family loves me.

Do you pretend you don’t want to be loved? No.

Can remember how many years it’s been since someone loved you? My family loves and has always loved me.

[zrtranscripts]

Season 6, Mission 16: Poison

Report anything suspicious

JODY MARSH: Is it a bit weird that we know Pit Viper has the contract on Selma? Do they usually advertise that sort of stuff?

AMELIA SPENS: In general, their favored form of advertising is heads on spikes. I don't know how the Laundry learned Pit Viper have Selma's contract. Perhaps Sigrid wanted it broadcast to discourage others from running.

PAULA COHEN: To discourage others from running? From her Handmaid's Tale-style fertility baby serum factory?

PETER LYNNE: And they weren't even injecting babies with zombie spit in Gilead.

AMELIA SPENS: [parks vehicle] Well, this is as far as I can take you. Highgate, the badlands of London. Well, some of the worse lands. Anyway, I'm not getting nearer the Pit Vipers than this.

PETER LYNNE: Surprised you got as close as this, to be honest. You going soft?

PAULA COHEN: Or do you like us, Amelia?

AMELIA SPENS: I've always liked you, but liking has nothing to do with business. And this is business. Buying out Selma's contract is worth a shot. If you manage to deal with Pit Viper, they'll be grateful I sent the business their way. And if you don't make a deal with them, they'll be grateful I sent their targets their way. Win-win-win.

JODY MARSH: I'm always surprised. I should try to stop being surprised. That could be my New Year's resolution, actually: don't be surprised when Amelia seems helpful, but actually has an angle.

AMELIA SPENS: Oh, but if you weren't surprised, it would hardly be as much fun! Right, you lot. Pit Viper's HQ is in the London Underground. You have my directions. You'll have to do some fast talking when you get there. 

See up there, amid the plumes of oil fires and the burned buildings? That hellscape is what remains of Highgate Station, and is absolutely the safest way into the Underground, this side of the wall. Well, I've got to be back at New Canton soon for an oil treatment. Go on. Do what you do. Run!

PAULA COHEN: It doesn't sound safe.

PETER LYNNE: It's not likely to be safe. I heard the London Underground was totally filled with zombies.

PAULA COHEN: I heard there were enclaves down there. Found their way to the Cold War bunkers and have been living off old tinned SPAM ever since.

JODY MARSH: We've got to do this. Pit Viper are after us and after Selma, but they're neutral. Like Amelia, they just go to the highest bidder. So if we can buy out both our contracts, they'll be working for us against Sigrid, not against us. And I'm sorry, Peter, Paula, Five, but you've all shown you're more indestructible than most.

PETER LYNNE: No, that's fair. I've got more lives than a Christmas number one, and I like to think I'm not quite as annoying.

PAULA COHEN: [laughs] If you want annoying, I'll sing you the dreidel song if we get through this. All right, Five. Let's get down these stairs into the pit of Hades.

JODY MARSH: Amelia's map is pretty clear. She's put it together from – oh, nice. She's written, "Compiled from the reports of those of my people who made it back alive." She says at the bottom of the staircase, you turn... towards the skeletons.

PETER LYNNE: Ooh, look, there are actual skeletons nailed up to the wall here. What delightful taste in interior decoration the inhabitants of these tunnels do have. [gasps] You could ask Zoe and Phil to do a radio segment on it, Jody. "Post-Apocalypse Decor: Dos and Don'ts."

[zombies moan]

PAULA COHEN: And to add to the ambiance, there are zombies. How chic. Five, you take the lead. Time to run.

PETER LYNNE: Oh yay! Someone's smeared this part of the wall with their own blood and feces!

PAULA COHEN: How do you know it's their own? There are viscera there. I suppose it might be somebody else's body cavity contents.

PETER LYNNE: Hmm, you make a fair point, Doctor, as you always do. Someone smeared this wall with blood, feces, and viscera of unknown origin.

PAULA COHEN: Pit Viper's doing a very efficient job of trying to put people off finding them.

JODY MARSH: That's what everyone says about them. They're an unstoppable killing machine. Once they've taken on a job, they never give up. There are no lengths they won't go to to do what they’ve set out to.

PETER LYNNE: Well, if you're going to be a deadly assassin force, at least be an excellent one, I suppose. You know, I think this is almost as bad as commuting in London before the apocalypse.

PAULA COHEN: Oh, I don't know. At least we're getting somewhere. No one's canceled our transport, and we don't have to deal with Southern Rail apologizing for our inconvenience in a totally unconvincing way, which makes it clear that, ideally, they'd like to inconvenience us some more. Possibly using blood, feces, and viscera of unknown origin.

[train creaks]

JODY MARSH: Guys, a train has just come loose from its siding uphill from you. It's rolling towards you!

PETER LYNNE: Is that a coincidence, or does someone know we're here?

JODY MARSH: No time to find out now. Run!

PETER LYNNE: Paula, Five, up here!

PAULA COHEN: Five, take my hand!

[train passes, PETER LYNNE and PAULA COHEN laugh]

JODY MARSH: Wow, that was close!

PETER LYNNE: You know, last time I was in London, something similar happened to me. Your wife almost didn't save me, Paula. I think she'd have left me there to be crushed by the train. 

PAULA COHEN: But would you rather she had?

PETER LYNNE: [laughs] I think maybe I would have, then. I don't know. It's funny, isn't it? Keep expecting this grand moment. Flash of meaning where I realize what I'm for, and why I'm like this. It didn't come. Had to work it out for myself.

PAULA COHEN: Yeah, I know what you mean. For a long time, I asked myself, why me? Why was I infected? Why is it me who can't even play with my daughter without checking myself for nicks and scrapes every time? There's never an answer. Why did one person die in the apocalypse and another didn't? Because we're all subject to the laws of randomness of the universe.

PETER LYNNE: I like that. We're a playlist on shuffle. Things just come up. Sometimes you think you see a pattern in them, but it's you making the pattern, not the world.

PAULA COHEN: Ugh. More zoms I think, Jody.

JODY MARSH: Um, Amelia's map says it's an enclave of city commuters.

PETER LYNNE: I see them in the dark corner of the platform. 10 of them. Teeth filed to points, and pinstriped loin cloths. They're holding – are those broken shards of iPad?

PAULA COHEN: Not too dangerous, then.

JODY MARSH: Amelia's map says they dip them in a noxious compound of flesh-eating bacteria that can destroy even zombies. She also says, "Do remember, bankers are the ones who ran the economy off a cliff. They know how to muck stuff up."

PETER LYNNE: She's got a point. Which direction?

JODY MARSH: Straight ahead, then right. Go.

[spear thunks into wall]

PETER LYNNE: And one final spear outrun. The bankers have given up for now.

JODY MARSH: Amelia's notes say, "Don't kid yourself. They'll be back, and in greater numbers." I think she put that stuff in because she thought Sam would be on this mission. Have you noticed how they're getting friendly since they've been working on the baby rescue together?

PAULA COHEN: Yes, but I don't like to think about it. We'd better keep moving. How far are we from Pit Viper now?

JODY MARSH: Amelia's notes - mm. Get a bit sketchy here. She says, "If you get this far, you'll have done better than most people I sent down here. I think the commuters ate most of them! Well, you should find Pit Viper if you continue down the tunnel until you find another train. Or a building."

PAULA COHEN: That's vague.

PETER LYNNE: Oh, God. Look at that.

JODY MARSH: What are you seeing?

PAULA COHEN: Peter's pointing to... the wall of the platform?

PETER LYNNE: No, the shadows. The shadows, they're following us, look!

PAULA COHEN: Oh, no. It's headless zombies, Jody. Those indestructible zombies. The ones you can't kill by taking the head off! They must be behind us. We can see their shadows. God knows what would happen if one of them bit me.

PETER LYNNE: Or me, or Five. We've got to get out of here. Run!

[zombies growl]

PETER LYNNE: They're not getting any closer.

PAULA COHEN: They're not getting any further away!

PETER LYNNE: Yes. Peculiar. They've been exactly keeping pace with us, just a little behind us the whole way. Just a sec. Stop a moment.

PAULA COHEN: Stop?

PETER LYNNE: Just three seconds. I'll time it. One Mississippi, two hippopotamus, three extraterrestrial. Look.

PAULA COHEN: They've... stopped.

PETER LYNNE: Intriguing, isn't it?

PAULA COHEN: What are you doing?

PETER LYNNE: Heading back a bit to see what's going on. I shouldn't think Pit Viper will thank us for leading a horde of indestructible zombies to their hideout. Probably won't put them in a deal-making mood.

PAULA COHEN: Fair enough. Something is off here. Let's go with, Five. Huh. Would you look at that?

JODY MARSH: Again, I can't see.

PETER LYNNE: They are decapitated zombies with their heads in their arms.

JODY MARSH: So maybe get out of there?

PAULA COHEN: They're nailed to a little wagon. Look. There are remote controlled brakes.

PETER LYNNE: That's incredibly efficient. Keep everyone at bay, minimum effort or danger. Brilliant tactical work.

JODY MARSH: Yeah. I've heard that about Pit Viper. Always get the job done.

PETER LYNNE: Yes... yes, they would.

PAULA COHEN: Watch out. Someone's coming. It's... a train guard. She's still wearing her RMT uniform.

GUARD: I see you've passed the final obstacle. You must be here for the Pit Viper.

PETER LYNNE: Why, yes, we are.

GUARD: Come with me now. Run!

[classical music plays]

JODY MARSH: Where are you guys? My cams are giving me nothing.

PAULA COHEN: Jody, it's actually lovely! Nice, quiet tube carriage. Upholstered seats, curtains on the windows. Pit Viper have set themselves up well. Protected and secure.

PETER LYNNE: Feared by everyone, they can go anywhere. Talk to all sides. How very, very clever.

GUARD: Are you ready to meet the Pit Viper?

PETER LYNNE: Oh, I think we are.

PAULA COHEN: Jody, there's a door at the end of the carriage. The guard is just -

GUARD: [opens door] Step inside, please.

JODY MARSH: Where are you, now?

PAULA COHEN: An office. Very tidy. Utilitarian. A map of the new UK on the wall, and there's... a person in a viper mask sitting behind the desk.

GUARD: I'll leave you now with the Pit Viper. You parley alone.

PAULA COHEN: Yeah, um. Thank you. [door closes, music turns off] Uh, Pit Viper. We're here from Abel Township. We know you have a contract on us, and... we wanted to discuss it. [sighs] Oh, look. Would you mind taking the mask off?

[cloth rustles]

JODY MARSH: Are they doing it? Taking the mask off?

PETER LYNNE: Yup.

PAULA COHEN: Oh, Jody. You'll never guess who Pit Viper is.

JODY MARSH: Is it - ? Oh God, it's not Sigrid, is it?

JANINE DE LUCA: No, Miss Marsh. It's me, Janine.

[tune-collective]

20 of the Most Unconventional Christmas Songs

20 of the Most Unconventional Christmas Songs

As soon as Christmas season rolls around, radio stations everywhere begin blasting all the classics, from “White Christmas” to “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” While many artists cover the favorites, they also spring up their own holiday ditties, gradually crafting the next line of classics like Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

But some, on the other hand, don’t care to make a song that you’ll be singing for many Christmases to come. Instead, they go for something a little more memorable because of how non-traditional they are — and thus, some of the most unconventional Christmas songs are born.

Whether cynical, silly or just downright bizarre, take a look at a slew of these atypical holiday tracks to spice up your Christmas playlist.

“Yule Shoot Your Eye Out,” Fall Out Boy

The Fall Out Boy guys were some of the quintessential emo lyric writers of the late 2000s, and they brought that scornful mindset to a holiday track. At least the acoustic guitars soften the blow of lines like “You’re the last thing I want to see underneath the tree.”

“All I Want For Christmas Is A Real Good Tan,” Kenny Chensey

For those who can’t quite find the joy in a winter wonderland: “How ’bout two tickets to a tropical shore / Where we don’t have to wear these winter clothes anymore?”

“Wit It This Christmas,” Ariana Grande

At it’s core, Grande’s R&B-style track is simply another Christmas love song — just with a bass-heavy beat and some new-age lyricism.

“Zombie Christmas,” Emmy the Great & Tim Wheeler

If you thought zombies and Christmas couldn’t be tied together somehow, Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler prove you wrong in a creatively off-the-wall way. (You can’t make this stuff up: “Winter wonderland and a silent night / It’s only gonna happen if you put up a fight / Just be careful, because they bite / It’s a Zombie Christmas”)

“I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas,” Gayla Peevey

Another bizarre tune that has infiltrated Christmas playlists and radio stations around the world, the 1953 song is so annoyingly strange that you just can’t help singing along by the end.

“Don’t Shoot Me Santa,” The Killers

It seems Mr. Brightside has a rather dark view on Christmas.

“Santa’s Beard,” The Beach Boys

We’ve all experienced that moment where someone tells us that Santa Claus isn’t real, but the Beach Boys took that one step further by telling a tale of a little boy who realized the Santa he was meeting was a fraud with one simple tug on his beard.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” Elmo & Patsy

Who would’ve ever thought such dark humor could be presented in such a cheerful, singsongy way?

“Santa Stole My Girlfriend,” The Maine

“Santa, you b—h / Didn’t get a damn thing from my Christmas list / All I got was this broken heart / And that’s it.” Well that’s one way to tell Santa your gifts sucked…

“4 Carats,” Kelly Clarkson

Forget the lover — all Kelly Clarkson wants for Christmas is a big rock.

“I Won’t Be Home For Christmas,” Blink-182

If there’s one rock band that can get away with telling their family they aren’t coming home for Christmas, it’s definitely Blink-182 — but that does not mean that makes this song conventional for the holidays.

“Sexy Boy Christmas,” B2K

Let’s be honest, there’s really no other way for an R&B boy band to get into the Christmas spirit than with “fly whips and toys.”

“Christmas Unicorn,” Sufjan Stevens

Between Stevens’ psychedelic vocals and the mystical lyrics, this is definitely one of the most outlandish Christmas songs out there.

“Merry Christmas Lil’ Mama,” Chance the Rapper

This “lil’ mama” Chance is singing to apparently isn’t his just yet, because he has one request for Santa: “All I want for Christmas is some pretty b—hes.” We feel you, Chance.

“Let Me Sleep (Christmas Time),” Pearl Jam

Sounds like the magic of Christmas morning isn’t enough to get Eddie Vedder & Co. out of bed.

“Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass,” All Time Low

Some people aren’t so lucky to spend Christmas with a significant other, so why not sing a super bitter song about it?

“A Pimp’s Christmas Song,” Snoop Dogg

It was hard to pick just one song from Snoop’s Christmas in the Dogghouse, which features other, err, clever titles like “Christmas In The Hood,” “Landy In My Egg Nog” and “My Little Mama Trippin On Christmas.” But just looking at the cover, something tells us this track was Snoop’s favorite.

“Funky, Funky, Xmas,” New Kids On the Block

Mark Wahlberg was no longer a New Kid when the beloved boy band dropped its Christmas album in 1989, but there is definitely some Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch influence on this not-so-Christmasy Christmas song.

“Santa Claus Is Thumbing To Town,” Relient K

What would happen if Santa’s sleigh broke down? Relient K seems to have an idea.

“Blue Christmas,” Porky the Pig

While this song may be the most classic of any others on this list, hearing Porky’s signature stutters trying to sing The King makes for a completely different listening experience.

Source: Billboard

http://tunecollective.com/2017/01/02/20-of-the-most-unconventional-christmas-songs/

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Reconciliation

Read the tags as a few might be open ending. And in some of these they were still together in the beginning. Man, this list is angsty! I’m already planning on rereading them.

This will be under a read more.

Light by bri_ness (885 words) - Open ending. Even lays a beach towel down on the small patch of grass beside his apartment building’s parking lot, right beside the dumpster. He knows romance can thrive in spite of its setting. He looks at the stars, and he remembers. 

pull him back by hippopotamus (2k words) - “That’s my hoodie,” Isak says. “You left it at mine,” Even replies, as if Isak wasn’t fully aware of that. “And you didn’t ask for it back.” 

Resolution by bri_ness (2k words) - Isak's residency has him questioning his decision to be a doctor. When he's home for the holidays, he runs into Even, who gives him a new perspective. 

No One Knows Me Like You Do by obscurial (2.6k words) - He’s also shockingly sober, which only serves to remind him that fuck, he doesn’t even have an excuse for randomly messaging his ex-boyfriend of two years, out of the blue, at a socially unacceptable time to text your ex, if there even was one in the first place. 

Still Unformed by colazitron (3k words) - Even and Isak broke up a few years ago when Even moved to Germany to attend film school. Now he's moved back to Oslo. 

there's no one else I'd rather do this with by daddyhonkkk (3k words) - Even still has the extra Gabrielle ticket Isak got him for his birthday, but that was before they broke up. 

Like Breathing by BraveKate (3k words) - Even invites Isak to the premiere of his first movie. Part of a series but could be read as a standalone. 

left-handed by thekardemomme (3.5k words) - even always asks questions he doesn’t want to know the answers to. 

If Only by Stria (Asia117) (3.6k words) - Chatting with a random stranger that turns out to be your ex trope.

o night divine by thekardemomme (4k words) - This is the first Christmas in nearly five years that he’s spending without Isak, and while he still decorated his apartment and bought eggnog and spent an excruciating amount of time wrapping all of his gifts perfectly, the hole in his heart hasn’t gone unnoticed. 

Homesick by everything_else (4k words) - 5 times they take care of each other after the break up. +1 

Waking up to Nothing by dropdeadfox (4.6k words) - It’s been six months since Even has seen that grumpy- but- adorable pout on the most perfect pair of lips imaginable to men (and women). It’s been six months since he has heard that voice, it’s been six months since he has seen the most perfect, emerald- green eyes, gazing back at him. 

42 Seconds by thekardemomme (5k words) - Sunday is Isak’s ideal day. The day he looks forward to. This Sunday, Isak wakes up at 1pm, and the room is dark. The bed is empty and there’s no smell of breakfast. Even hasn’t slept next to him all week. The only thing that’s the same as every other Sunday for the past 23 months is the fact that Isak doesn’t want to get out of bed. 

Inbox: (1) New Email by scritch (6k words) - A story about falling back in love, one tweet, instagram post and email at a time 

the one where even says the wrong name by pansexuaIeven (6.5k words) - Even's getting married to Sonja, not Isak. The real question is: does he know that? Inspired by Friends. 

Shatter Me by givemesumaurgravy (6.6k words) - Even’s crying, he has been since the words ‘I slept with someone else’ left his mouth. To be honest, he’s been crying for hours since he got home from Mikael’s. Isak just sits there stoically and he says, “I’m not going to yell or any of that. I’m just going to make this really fucking awkward and uncomfortable for you.” “I want you to tell me everything that happened,” 

That look you give that guy by Lokkanel (7.4k words) - Isak and Even love each other in secret. It is almost thrilling at first, but when hiding and lying to their friends begin to take a toll on Even, Isak decides to end it all. He thinks he has taken the right decision, until Even eventually moves on with someone else. 

Calleth You, Cometh I by Kollakolan (8.4k words) - “Isak!” Mikaels pipes up. “Didn´t you two have a thing?” he turns to Even. A thing, Even thinks to himself. Yes, Isak and him definitely had a thing. They actually had a low-key thing going for years, but it never really turned into something more. The timing was never right.  

We Keep This Love in a Photograph by kapplebougher (8.7k words) - It's been four weeks since Isak and Even made the decision to call it off. Now, Isak's back in their apartment of seven years and he's supposed to be moving out, but then he stumbles upon some memories that makes doing that a little difficult. 

Our Steady True North by verlore_poplap (orphan_account) (9k words) - Five times Isak and Even were amicable; plus one time they just weren't. Plus an epilogue 

In Vino Veritas by Sabeley (9.9k words) - After seven years apart, Isak wakes up to find Even in his bed and a wedding ring on his finger.

What becomes of the broken hearted by Kikki1 (12k words) - Set many years after Skam ended. Isak is living the life he always dreamed of. He has a good job, amazing friends and a superhot boyfriend. But his heart is forever broken. 

we still fuck by evak1isak (13k words) - Isak and Even had broken up. Period. But they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.  

Heal My Heart for Christmas by iwritetropesnottragedies (recklesslee) (13.5k words) - It’s been ten years since Isak left his small town for the big city of Oslo with his father. He hardly even thought of his time there anymore. Until he received a letter from his mother asking him to come home for Christmas for the first time since he had left. 

in these deep solitudes and awful cells by hippopotamus (14k words) - it ends badly. so badly that they both wish they could forget about it. they meet again a few weeks later, and it’s hard to remember why it had to end. 

If I Should Fall Behind by MinilocIsland (14k words) -  The plan for tonight had been crystal clear. Stay close to his best friend, and steal her away if needed. Hold her hand through the ordeal of meeting Noora again for the first time in years. Then Even shows up – and suddenly, nothing goes the way it was supposed to.

The Good Side by lavenderlady by (15k words) - Isak got the good side of the break up. 

And after that and after that by Teatrolley (18k words) - They’re friends, and roommates, and exes. Then Even becomes single again 

you told me we were forever by Skamtrash (19k words) - they don’t exactly get back together. Isak finds out he's having a baby soon after Even breaks up with him so he makes the decision not to tell him. Except Even finds out on his own 3 years later. 

I'll be right beside you by hannakin (20k words) - ”It’s ironic isn’t it? I broke your heart and now mine is not working,” Isak continued. “Isak…” Even fought against the lump in his throat and the tears that burned behind his eyes. see the sequel below  

Don't Dream It's Over by hannakin (11k words) - WIP last update march 2019. A new chance at life for Isak and a new shot at love for them that Even is not going to waste. Not this time around. 

Let Me In by milk_o_vich (20k words) - Even’s eyes were wide and a little unfocused, flitting over Isak nervously. He was quiet for a long time, rain hitting the pavement outside, and Isak became kind of aware that Even must be freezing in his thin, damp t-shirt. Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?” 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough by Amfelia (21k words) - Even discovers life is not always shiny and bright, sometimes it is just really hard. 

shred by Jules1398 (22k words) - There were two versions of Isak Valtersen. The first Isak was the one that his friends knew. The second Isak, the real Isak, was much more complicated. He was trans, gay, and then there was his five year-old son, Adrian. Keeping the two Isaks separate wasn't that difficult. At least, not until he saw Even again. 

and you fight until the finish line carries you home by strangetowns (23k words) - “Did you love him?” Isak looked down at the glass in his hand, the wine he’d barely had any of. He shrugged, carefully noncommittal, and glanced at Even out of the corner of his eye, raising an eyebrow at his expression. “What, are you jealous?” “Hearing it makes me glad, actually.” “Why?” A beat of silence. Then - “You deserve all the chances at happiness you can get, Isak.”

We're Not Broken Just Bent by TotallyTinkerbell (26k words) - They had made a decision that didn’t fall easy on either of them. A decision that still kept Isak awake at night in his bed that was too big and in his kitchen that was too empty in the mornings. On the couch in front of his tv-cabinet which was void of Even’s film collection, and in his hallway which no longer had a dozen pairs of shoes in it. 

Self Control by nofeartina (28k words) - “I never meant to hurt you, Isak.” Without any pause Isak replies, “Well, you did.” He looks him in the eyes, and continues. “You fucked me up, Even.” 

Reflections by Laika_the_husband (30k words) - He started walking, listening to Even’s footsteps behind him. Fucking Even. Isak knew he didn’t do this on purpose, that it was just an episode, but he had just grown so tired of them. Every time Even relapsed Isak remembered how only a few years ago he had sworn to take care of him forever. How certain he had been, back then, that minute by minute would turn into day by day and week by week and year by year and then into forever. 

Different, but same by Crazyheart (31k words) - Isak and Even had broken up almost a year ago, and Even was devastated. At Easter he tried to get over it and went on a ski holiday with Yousef and Elias. At the cabin he met a guy that looked like Isak, except his dark, buzz cut hair, well trained body and rough, charismatic personality. The fact that he called himself Markus Simensen was even more confusing 

Scene Three, Take Two by folerdetdufoler (31k words) - Isak is 23, a student in the veterinary program at NMBU, and working an internship at a clinic in Kongsvinger. He hasn't seen Even in three years, but randomly bumps into him on the street when he's visiting his mom in Oslo. 

No day without it by skambition (32k words) - And his lips. Those goddamn lips. They brought back memories that Even had tried to forget about for like 10 years now, memories of laughing, smiling, kissing. 

and the whole world is empty by dreamer_of_dreams (45k words) - The conversations were always stilted and quiet and benignly untrue. The phone calls eventually petered out. So, Even did what he thought was right for Isak. On an ordinary Thursday, eating dinner next to each other on the couch, Even looked up from his bowl of noodles, glanced at the clock ticking 9.21 pm and said, “I think we should break up.” 

Every Minute Gets Easier by CrochetingWords (50k words) - His life had turned out beyond his wildest dreams. It was amazing, and when it got bad from time to time, that was still fine, it was still worth it, because the bad times were just a glimpse in their epic story and the good times were just so good, so pure, so abundant, that he knew they would make it through every struggle. Together. Which is why Isak never imagined his current situation: Filing an application for separation. 

Carry on by hannakin (52k words) - For a moment Even just looked at him. Beautiful, amazing Even who was the best thing that had ever happened to Isak. There were tears in his eyes too. When he shook his head sadly, one tear made its way down his cheek. “I think I want to break up” He finally whispered. 

God Only Knows (What I'd Do Without You) by sundaymournin (52k words) - the break up that would never really happen, but imagine if it did. If Even moved to Trondheim for Uni and returned a little over two years later. Imagine what Isak would do, who he would be, and what could've happened but definitely never would've. 

Love is a battlefield by Minutebyminute (56k words) - Love conquers all. Love defeats all. Sometimes love pulls you apart. Sometimes for a period in time, sometimes forever. And sometimes love is a battlefield.

I Feel It When You Don't Look At Me by photographer_of_thoughts (66k words) - A sequel. “I never wanted to leave without you, Even.” Isak whispered. “I know. But you did. And I let you go.” 

The Boy Who Couldn't Hold His Breath Underwater by patrick_ (camille0078) (102k words) - Now, Even is ready to own up to his mistakes and asks Isak if he wants to get back together again. Isak has no doubt about getting back together, but everyone else believes that he's just asking for more trouble. 

All Stories Are Echoes by sebastianL (felix_atticus) (123k words) - A love story. Because that's the kind of story it has to be. This is an Even who's grown up, who's had hard years since the last time we saw him, and who's trying to get his life back together on his own. This is about potential--realized or not--memory, bravery, movies, accidents, and the nature of stories. (I love this fic so much!)  

WIP - I'm not sure if they all are getting back together

Dysecdysis (a tender history in skin) by unsungyellowraincoat (9k words) - last update Feb 2019. Isak and Even are ex-boyfriends, but S3 never happened, so this is completely au. Terje Valtersen is recovering from a hemorrhagic stroke and that plays a big role in this story. 

We, who quietly bleed by howmanyisaksandevens (31k words) - last update May 2018. They break up, they get back together, they live happily ever after or so I choose to believe. 

The One That Got Away by cami_soul (37k words) - last update Sept 2019. In this AU Even never reached out to Isak on December 9. Isak never left the Christmas concert to go find Even. Even rejected all of Isak’s attempts to reach out to him. Isak came to accept Sonja’s statement that Even never really loved him. It is ten years later and Isak has just moved back to Oslo to work at the University of Oslo’s, Department of Medical Genetics. 

I swear that I will wake up next to you by dantetrieswriting (7k words) - last update July 2018. They were on-and-off for three years. Now two years have passed and Isak is 20 and in need of something exciting. An ad ropes him into booking a seat for a month long bus trip to Greece. It's new. It's interesting. It's cheap. Could it get any better? Yes it could. The ad didn't include the slight 6 foot blonde inconvenience going by the name of Even Bech Næsheim. And the fact that the inconvenience would be no more than five centimeters away from him at all times. Thirty days and 6 feet of sex on legs. 

There's nowhere i'd rather be by JustALittleBitOfYou (4k words) - last update March 2019. It's been a year since Even Bech Næsheim and Isak Valtersen broke-up. Well, technically, it's been a year since Isak sent Even away without a real reason. As they both try to rebuild their life, the Bech Næsheim siblings decide to host a one-week party in Mia's and Even's new couple's honor. Isak attends the party, without knowing the identity of the hosts. 

isak in the bathroom by sundaymournin (14k words) - 4/5 chapters posted. break-up fic where isak hides in the bathroom quite a bit, even is dating mikael, and everything is a bit off-center.

The Good Side by sundaymournin (12k words) - last update July 2018. The only thing Isak had in life was Even and the promise they’d made to each other when they were ten and twelve. Isak and Even used to date, broke up, but are still roommates.