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fatandnerdy30 · 5 years

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The Itsy Bitsy Spider 25

Twenty five chapters already!!! Woohoo!!! I am so glad that people are still enjoying this story! We are nearing the end, but I don't know how many chapters are left. I have to write it all on one file, and just copy and paste what I want to post. So, there's no telling! This whole deal with Disney and Sony going under has really broken my heart, so expect more IronDad in the future to help me cope with everything!! But, if you do enjoy this, please leave a comment with either nice words, or just a critique!!

"Anyone home?" Clint walked through the door, head turning left and right until he came into the living room. His wife was sitting with a strange man and Pepper on the couches. "Honey, who's this?" Laura turned to him and her face lit up. "This is Hank Pym. Hank, this is my husband. You may know him as-" "Hawkeye," Pym said with a nod. "Yes, I've heard of you from Dr. Selvig. He actually talks very...let's say highly of you."The archer smirked as the two shook hands. "Well it's a good thing that the old man hasn't forgotten who I am, you know after surviving Loki together." "Yes, well, let's hope he never has to 'survive' another Loki again. His mind can't take it." They parted, each taking their respective seats, though Clint stayed close to his wife. "I checked the perimeter and it looks like we're safe for now." Natasha walked in, casting a threatening look at Dr. Pym. "Where's Peter?" "Over here," Pym said, motioning to the coffee table where the boy sat, almost unnoticeable. His outfit was ripped in places, leaving healing wounds visible and he was fiddling with his wrist bands. "Looks like he'll need a new outfit," the hit woman observed. "What happened, by the way?" Peter looked up. "I was taken.... But, I knew that man." His voice was so low everyone had to move closer just to hear him. "His name is Adrian Toomes. He's the father of one of the girl's in my school, her name is Liz. She's really pretty, smart, head of the yearbook committee." "You like her," Clint had a knowing smile on his face. "What!?" the boy shouted, his face turning red. "N-no I don't! Stop being ridiculous uncle Clint." He looked away, pouting. "Uncle Clint?" Laura asked. "Since when did this happen?" She didn't mind it at all, but she knew the look on Peter's face, and he needed the subject to be changed. Luckily, Clint knew what she was doing."Well, I figured that he needed to call me something other than Mr. Clint. The name gave me the heebies." He shivered dramatically for the group's sake. "So that gave you the right to Uncle?" Natasha teased. "Of course!" Clint moved over to where Peter was and sat next to him, making sure not to crowd the small teen. "He's got a cool uncle now. Unlike a tired old dad like Tony." The minute the words left his mouth, Clint knew he had messed up. "Clint!" Peter hissed, getting up to punch the man in the thigh with all his strength, which actually hurt. "Ouch...sorry, Pete..." He looked guiltily down at the boy who seemed crestfallen, his face almost ghostly white. Pepper chose that moment to lean forward, putting her hands on the table around Peter when it looked like he was going to run for it. "Peter, is that true?" Her eyes shone with what looked like hope to everyone else. "Do you really see Tony as your father figure?" It took a second for Peter to nod, not looking at Pepper. How could he? He was sure the woman hated him for thinking of her husband, the father of their child like that. He didn't have a chance against Morgan, and he wasn't going to contest her for that. "Oh, honey. Please don't be embarrassed....in fact, in the past, I've almost called you my son, and I know Tony has called you his kid before, too." The teen's head shot up, a shocked look on his face. "R-really?" The woman nodded with a smile. "But....I just feel so guilty," he said lowly. "I have May, and if she hears that I called you and Tony...you know," he waved his hand. "Then she would be really upset and be mad and disappointed..." "I've only met your aunt once," the blonde said. "But, I know she would never feel disappointed that you found someone in your life that you could look up to. I'll tell you what, though. We'll call her later and I'll leave you alone to talk to her, okay?" The teen nodded, putting his head down. But, it wasn't out of guilt. No, this time it was happiness keeping him from looking at Pepper fully. "So...so you wouldn't mind it if I called you....Mom?" The blonde woman let out a small laugh. "Mind? Peter, you've been living with us for what? Almost two months now? You've wormed your little self into our hearts within the first three days. I would love it if you called me mom. But, only if you're comfortable with it." Her heart almost exploded at that moment. Suddenly, Peter felt the rumbling of footsteps, but he felt no car. Whipping his head to the door, he watched, shaking with fear. Who was it now? It was the knock on the door that proved it was someone safe, or at least he thought. He still hid, climbing down from the table top to the leg and to the floor. He scurried under the couch just as Mrs. Barton had opened the door. He watched the feet around him move, noting no one seemed alarmed, and that put him at ease. "Peter? You can come out now," Pepper's voice came from above him and Peter slowly made his way out from his hiding spot. "Hey there," Hope smiled at the little teen, squatting to not seem so large. "Are you okay?" "Y-Yeah..thank you, Ms. Hope, for everything. You know, saving me and stuff..." He stared down at his hands. "Think nothing of it, Pete. It was a pleasure to get to know you." She stood up and turned, keeping an eye on the boy on the floor. "Has there been any word from Mr. Stark?" "Yes, he's all right. Him, Morgan and Bruce are on their way." Pepper noticed the way Natasha's eyes lit up and hid a smile. "We were just finishing making dinner if you'd like to help?" "Sure, I could help." Scott then turned to Hank. "Did you bring the machine with you?" "Of course I did," Pym scoffed. "I'm not an idiot like you." He motioned towards his circular bag on the counter. "I'd like to wait until Dr. Banner gets here. He's been studying Peter longer than I have and he knows a great deal more." The man looked towards the boy in the woman's hand, eyes softening when he noticed him shaking a bit. "Peter," he said softly. "What's wrong?" The boy shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just a little cold."the boy lied. He stared at everyone's shoes warily, jumping every time one of them moved. "Sean wasn't able to get your heart rate up enough to keep your body warm. I suppose that would be hard to actually change the inside of a human, not just their DNA." He sighed and shook his head. "I can understand why he did this, but why not take the boy's vitals into effect? Sean is a better man, a better scientist than this. I just don't understand." Hank knelt down, offering a hand. It was slow because Peter didn't know this man, but he wanted to get away from the feet as soon as possible. He'd never been around this many people with him on the floor before. Hank was in awe of the feeling of the small human in the palm of his hand and he smiled all the way to the counter, where he set his hand down and opened it fully for the boy to climb off. Which Peter did as soon as he was set on the counter near his 'knife' and immediately grabbed it, setting to chopping up the last of the pepper slices Mrs. Barton had given him before company arrived. He was almost done when suddenly fingers wrapped around him and he let out a small yell as he was lifted from the counter, knife clattering to the surface as he turned to see Mr. Clint grinning at him. "You've done enough from what I can tell. Come on, you need a break, and I need video games. Ever played Mario Kart?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin tapped his fingers against the armrest on the door of the limo, watching the scenery as they passed. He glanced at the holographic map, watching the dot slowly move forward. How far was this place? He was getting antsy. "Calm down," Ward's voice cut in on his thoughts. "The person the tracker was attached to will get there eventually and all we have to do is follow." "But," Hammer rivaled. "What if the person isn't going to where the kid is? What then?" Ward shook his head. "They're going to him. I wouldn't doubt that's the boy's mother." Hammer nodded and sat back, watching the world pass them by again. He was angry they couldn't take the plane, but this also gave him a chance to work on some of his coding. Taking out his tablet, he began typing furiously. It had been a good few hours before Ward got his attention. "There, see? I told you." Justin looked at the dot that had finally stopped. "Map," he ordered, and instantly a large map was pulled up, almost taking up the majority of room in the car. "Iowa?" Justin quirked a brow. "What could be in Iowa?" "Well, we're about to find out." Ward tapped the glass to get the driver's attention, Hammer sending the coordinates to him. "You have the destination." The driver nodded and sped up. Justin leaned back with a smile. He loved it when a plan came together. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh come on!" Clint huffed and sat back, staring at the screen. "How did you beat me, kid? Can you even reach all the buttons?" Peter smiled victoriously as he let the remote control go. "Barely, but that's enough to beat you apparently." Clint scowled playfully at the boy, swooping down on him, his fingertips attacking his hair, making him balk and try to get away. "Oh no you don't!" With a grin, Clint put his hand behind Peter, blocking his escape. "Now you're mine." He then turned to tickling, making the boy laugh. Laura shook her head smiling. "I swear, he's worse than the kids." Pepper laughed when she heard the teen let out a particularly loud giggle. "But I'm glad Peter has someone he can talk to." "Uncle! Uncle!" Peter cried from the couch, tears streaming down his red face. "I give up!" He batted at the huge fingers attacking his sides, his laughter turning to giggles when they finally stopped. "I thought so," Clint said smugly. "How's dinner coming?" He turned to look at the women behind the counter, smelling the peppers and onions. "It would come faster if you got off your lazy butt and helped," Laura threw a playful glare at her husband. "But if I do that, who will spend time with Peter here?" He picked up his remote. "Rematch." "No," said Mrs. Barton, walking over to the couch and grabbing Clint by the ear, dragging him to the kitchen while Peter laughed. Scott took his place, sitting closer to Peter than he was used to anyone sitting, and the dip in the couch suddenly had him falling into the man's thigh. "Mr. Scott! Could you move over please?" Suddenly the dip was gone and Peter was left staring at a tiny man, smaller than the boy, staring up at him and waving. "Sorry about that. I forget what it's like, you know, to be small. Think this is a better match?" Peter smiled and nodded, lifting the remote over to Scott and hit the play button. "But, will you be able to reach the buttons?" Hope came over and sat on the other side of the two. "Don't worry about that." She clicked her belt and a red disk came out of a small segment. She placed it on the remote and clicked a small device in her hand and the remote suddenly was gone! "That should be better, and if it doesn't work, then that's even better." She smiled smugly at where she thought Scott was, imagining him glaring up at her. The little teen sat next to his remote, dragging the joystick over to his side and they started the race. Unfortunately, Scott's controller did work, and that meant he was able to beat Peter, leaving Clint groaning in the background. "This is so not fair! Now I have to win my title back from two people!" The sound of a car pulling up to the house made everyone stop. Scott grew to his natural height and on instinct grabbed Peter, hiding him in his fist, thumb pressing his head down. "Sorry little man, but I can't risk you being put in danger, not when we're so close to fixing you." He brought his fist down to his waist, glancing at Hope. Pepper brought her wristband up to her mouth and whispered "Tony?" "What's up, Pep? We're still on the road." That made the woman's mouth go dry. "There's someone else here," she whispered. She moved closer to Scott in order to grab Peter if things went south. "Oh, shit!" Happy cried. "I forgot to tell you May was on her way. She was attacked at her apartment by one of Toomes' goons." The woman's shoulders dropped from relief and then there was a pounding on the door. "Hello? Is this the Barton residence?" Another knock. "Hello?" Pepper rushed to the door and threw it open, revealing the haphazard looking woman. "Oh May, I'm so sorry no one called you...with everything that happened, we just weren't thinking." May glared at the CEO. "Where is my nephew?" "He's inside, and he's safe. Like I said, I apologize for everything. This happened unexpectedly, May." The woman nodded and entered when Pepper stepped aside to allow her entry and found herself staring at some new faces as well as some very familiar ones. "Hello, everyone." Peter started wiggling in Scott's hand as he heard his aunt's voice. "May!" he called, beginning to sweat in the hot confines of the fist. "May! Over here!" he called again. It took a minute for Scott to guess he wanted out and opened his hand to let Peter breathe. "May?" The woman rushed over to her nephew, tears filling her eyes. "Oh, Peter....I was so afraid." She grabbed him, bringing him up to her cheek to nuzzle him. "Are you hurt? What happened?" Peter hugged May's cheek then pulled away. "I was taken from the compound by a classmate's father! He just picked me up and threw me into a briefcase! He was so big, he looked like a monster!" His voice cracked from the high pitch he used. "But then, he brought me to like this junkyard in the middle of the city where I got away and Mom-I mean Pepper," his face went red at the slip up, but he continued, hoping May didn't catch that. She did, though she let him continue. "She found us, then this whole thing with flying, Ms. Hope was there...it was crazy!" He spread his arms at the last part, eyes wide. "But, I'm okay, May. I promise." "Dinner's ready," Laura said cheerily from the kitchen area, setting up the table. "Pete, honey, I used some of Violet's old doll things for you." His aunt brought him closer to the table and Peter's eyes lit up when he saw he had an actual table set up with a-though large-fork and glass. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Barton." May lowered him to the table and he pulled out the tiny seat, looking as if it were made just for him. "This is great! I feel normal again." The he looked up to see everyone's giant faces staring at him. "Sort of." His aunt smiled and took a seat at the table, accepting a plate and slowly adding things to it. She went to ask Peter what he wanted, but it seemed Pepper was already there, filling his small plate with food. Her nephew laughed so easily with her it made her feel a little jealous. "Peter? Juice?" she asked, smiling when he nodded. And that was the way dinner went for the group, with laughter and talking. May even took over doing the dishes, not taking no for an answer. She of course kept Peter by her side, watching the little teen like a hawk, loathe to let him out of her sight. And the others understood, not even trying to take the boy from her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tony checked his watch for the twentieth time in the past half hour, letting out an exasperated sigh. "How much longer," he whined to Happy, who was gripping the wheel tightly. "We'll get there when we get there," the guard grit out. He thought Morgan would be bad, but she was the best one in the car. It was the adults getting on his nerves. "This is boring. I'm taking a nap," Tony sighed, aggravated. "Well, how about you fly yourself and your child to the farm and get there faster so you won't have to be bored and Bruce and I will get there later." "Shh, I'm sleeping." The billionaire had his eyes closed, head leaning against the window. He smirked when he heard Happy grumble to himself about childish bosses. But, the fact was, he was worried after the phone call from Pepper. He knew it was just May, but he couldn't help but wonder how his wife was doing. She was the light of his life, and if anything were to happen to her, or his family, he didn't know what he would do. Tony would literally die to protect what he had. He'd even had a dream where he actually had fought someone and ultimately made the biggest sacrifice, his life, to save them. Everyone was there, even Peter in that dream, only he was normal sized. It broke his heart to hear everyone cry for him, but he felt happy he'd saved everything. He just didn't want to have that dream again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The group stayed up as late as they could, or at least Peter did. By the time midnight hit, the boy was slumping over on Clint's shoulder where he was perched, leaning against the man's neck. It was the warmest place to be and he actually liked the way he walked, with practically no jarring motions, just a slight sway that helped lull him into the sate he was in now. Clint must have noticed, because in the next second, a finger was pushing the teen awake, Peter having to blink a few times. "Hey, kid, why don't you get some sleep, hm? I'm sure we have somewhere you can rest for the night." "I'll take him," May said abruptly as Pepper went to get up. "I was getting tired anyway. Had a long drive to get here." She forced a yawn out. Pepper smiled understandingly. "We have two guest rooms open," Laura said, watching her husband hand off the finger sized child to the brunette woman. "I'll show you where you can sleep. If you don't mind sharing, Natasha will have to sleep in the same room." May looked towards the redhead and nodded. "Of course, I don't mind. The more the merrier, as they say," she laughed. "No, I think I'll be good where I usually stay," the redhead said, turning a faint pink from a catcall from Clint. Laura elbowed her husband and nodded. "Okay, okay, down boy. This way." She lead May upstairs to the first door on the left. "It's this one. Sorry it isn't much, but there's room for a cot and a bathroom attached if you need it." Laura showed the woman where everything was, then noticed her lack of bags. "I have something that will fit you, if you want to take a shower." May nodded vigorously. "Yes, please. Thank you so much." She sat on the bed, then raised Peter to eye level. "You okay, honey?" The boy nodded. "Yeah. I'm just glad you're here, May. I'm....I'm scared." It was hard to admit that to anyone, but he was. The reality of the situation was really getting to him. "I'm tired of being this size. I want to be normal again, go to school with my friends..." His voice broke, but no tears came. "It's so scary to be the height of someone's foot...one misstep, and that's the end...I thought I was used to it, but seeing everyone towering above me from the floor, I was reminded how tiny I am now, and it scared me..." His chin wobbled. "Oh, honey. I'm so sorry I can't say I know how you feel, but know that from now on, I will be here, no matter what. I'll even take that room at Mr. Stark's big, fancy building." Peter let out a wet laugh and nodded. "Thank you, May. I..I really appreciate this." "You're family, honey." At that moment a knock interrupted the family moment and Laura came back into the room holding a night shift. "This was all I could find at such short notice. I have to catch up on the wash, and as you know, with kids you can't ever catch up." May laughed. "Tell me about it. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world." She put Peter on the bed and sent him a soft smile. "Once I'm done, we'll find something for you to wear so you can get washed up, too, okay?" The boy nodded and watched the woman walk into the bathroom. He was left alone for a moment until Natasha walked into the room. Instantly the boy froze where he was, his eyes focused on the extremely frightening woman. "Hello, Peter," she said in a dulcet tone. "H-hello, Miss Natasha." He was nervous now, being the in the room alone with her. He watched her close the door and gulped. "Do you need something?" Natasha shook her head, walking around the room. "No. I'm just checking out the room. Very...cozy." Finally she came towards the bed, all the while staring at Peter with an intense look, seeing the boy cower from her. She had a pang of guilt for that and lowered her eyes with a sigh. "Look," she began, squatting next to the bed to be on the boy's level. She took all of him in in a second, focusing on his side where the obvious slice was now just a simple angry red line. "I know I haven't been the...nicest to you. I ignored you most of the time. But, can you blame me? You came out of a Hydra lab without a scratch. But, now I know, you're just a regular kid that has some unfortunate luck." She then looked to his side again. "Looks like that hurt," she nodded towards the line. Peter shrugged and played with the tattered edging on his side. Natasha chuckled and put her hands on the bed. "I won't hurt you. Just know, if you ever need a hand with anything, I'll be there. Promise." She then lifted her hand and extended her pinky, smirking at the boy. The teen studied her eyes for a moment, then slowly brought his hand out, extending his pinky and touching it to the woman's much larger one, staring at the vast difference in their sizes for a moment before his face went red when he realized this was such a childish thing to do. "Thank you," he said lowering his hand. "Not a problem. I'll even make you a new outfit tonight, okay? It'll be ready when you wake up." "No, Miss Natasha! You don't have to do that, I'm fine, I promise!" His eyes widened at the thought of the giant woman sitting and taking time out of her night to make something for him. "Hush it, kid. You'll need something other than that." She rose to her feet just as the bathroom door opened and May came out, freezing when she spotted the woman. "Oh, hello Ms. Romanoff. If you're tired, you can have the bed. I'll ask Mr. Barton where the cot is." "No, don't worry about me, I'll be up for a while. I'll bring in the cot, though, this way I don't wake you later. Hope will be up in a minute, though." With that she left the room, but poked her head into the room, staring right at Peter. "Oh, and it's not miss Natasha. Call me Aunt Nat," she said with a smile and chuckled at the red color the boy turned.

@sparrowrider @midas-or-khaos @letsbeinspiredby @6inchicon @ixlovexirondad @carttorchdeatth

#G/t #Iron Man Tony Stark #iron dad #Spideyson #shrunkpeterparker #nokinks #justfluff #morgan stark #MamaPepperPotts #protectiveavengers #theitsybitsyspider #Marvelfanfic

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unrealshadowsss · 7 years

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Story

2000-2010

I was born on March 2000. I was always a quiet child. I liked to play alone and could spend a lot of time just doing that. I lived in an apartment with my parents. My dad has a truck and travels a lot, so he wasn’t always home. I have memories of me daydreaming at a young age.

When I was 6 I began primary school. I did very well at school, and the teacher always chose me to read aloud in school events, because I could read fairly well for my age. I didn’t have friends. At age 7 I entered second grade of primary school and still didn’t have friends. It didn’t bother me, it’s something I didn’t even think about. On the recesses I liked to walk around the whole school alone. I would start in one place, move through the school, and end up in the same place, it was like a circular movement. Then at the end of this school year, some girls from my class started talking me. They asked if they could borrow me a pencil, and I told them they could. After that, those girls started talking to me and wanted to be my friend. They said they had avoided me before because someone else had told them I was a bad person and they should stay away for me. So, from that moment on, I was friends with them. I remember there was this girl, and she was like the cutest and most popular girl in the class, and for some time I became sort of her best friend. But, I knew that I would be transferred to another school the next year, so I had to tell them we wouldn’t be together for too long.

In 2008 I moved to a house. I had my own room now, where no one could enter without knocking. and I began my third primary school year in the new school. At first I constantly asked my mom why she had to transfer me to another school. I’m not sure how much this feeling of missing my old school lasted, but it eventually stopped. I didn’t make any friends there, but it was something that didn’t bother me. I have a memory where I’m playing a video game and suddenly start feeling sad about that group of friends I left in the other school, and start crying.

Around this time we had a desktop computer at home which I eventually was allowed to have in my room, but I didn’t have an internet connection. I would play games such as GTA, Monkey Island 3, Motocross Madness 2, and others.I also remember that around this time there was a very popular website in Argentina, Fotolog, where people would upload their pictures. There was a subculture known as Floggers, they had a particular fashion style, you can search it on Google. Anyway, I wanted to have a profile on that website and start uploading my pictures and become popular. I started daydreaming about it. There were some famous people on the site who even went on to appear on TV, magazines, newspapers, etc. and I wanted to be like them (I cringe now when I think about it) So I created my own page, which nobody knew I had except my aunt who was a teenager at the time and used that site a lot. Then my mom found out I had one and was surprised, and my aunt told her she shouldn’t worry about it, because everyone had one. We didn’t talk about it again, but I kept thinking about being Fotolog famous. I wanted so badly to have my own photo camera and my own notebook. But I knew I wasn’t going to have it anytime soon.

In 2009 I started getting really into Disney celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers, Selena Gomez, etc. I watched Disney TV shows a lot, and eventually I forgot about the flogger thing. When I was 9 I used to go an Internet café (they were popular at the time) and I searched information about those celebrities. I also played The Sims 2. When I first heard about The Sims (I think I was 8), I was fascinated by the concept, because that way I could put in the game what I imagined as my adult life, like what house I would have, how many children, etc. When I found out about it, I was going through a period in which I daydreamed a lot about my life as an adult. My cousin told me about the game, and we would discuss together what our adult life would be like, everything we would do.

I have a memory around this year of me sleeping in the same room as my mom. I had been watching a movie on TV and was daydreaming about it, and I was saying words aloud, as if I was talking to someone (not too loud but in a silent place they could be heard), and my mom asked who I was talking to. I think in that moment I understood I had to be more careful with acting out daydreams.

By late 2009 (I think it was around October), my cousin had his first Notebook computer, and also my aunt, and basically since they were all getting their own notebooks, I was supposed to be the next. So my parents bought me one. I didn’t have an internet connection in my house but my neighbours, which were my aunt and uncle, had one. So I had to go the room that was nearest the Wifi. What I did was basically search everything I could find about the bands I liked. I watched the concerts, video clips, etc. I even read fanfics. But I hid all these things from my parents. I don’t know why, I just felt like I had to. And they didn’t ask what I did on my computer.

I remember asking my mom if she could buy me the CD of one band, and she refused because she said she didn’t know their music. After that I sort of stopped asking my parents to buy me CDs or DVDs

.My cousin showed me some videos of songs translated into Spanish, and since that moment I started watching a lot of those videos. I think that was my first contact with the English language (except some video games that were only available in English and the usual English words you see everywhere) I would memorize the lyrics in Spanish but didn’t pay much attention to the English words at first. I learned how to make videos on Sony Vegas and made my own Youtube channel where I translated songs. They weren’t my own translations because at the time I didn’t really speak English, all I did was using some translations I found online. I didn’t show this channel to anyone but my cousin. But one day he decided to show one of my videos to my dad without my consent. I remember feeling embarrassed and betrayed in that moment, I don’t remember what my dad said but basically he didn’t like it very much.

I started talking to other fans online. Mostly it was people I met through Youtube. I created my own Facebook account that was dedicated only to those celebs. I also used Messenger to chat with people. My parents didn’t know any of this either, I don’t think they would have allowed it.

My parents didn’t know I liked all these bands and singers, and I didn’t know how to tell them. Believe it or not, this was a huge problem for me. I remember asking the people I talked to online, which were other fans, if their parents knew they liked those celebs, and how did they tell them. For everyone it was normal, but I didn’t know how they did it, how to tell them. I wanted to go to one of their concerts in Buenos Aires, but since my parents didn’t even know I was their fan, I couldn’t ask to go to a concert either. Looking back, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have allowed it.

I watched a lot of documentaries about my favorite celebs and interviews in Youtube. Gradually I started visting more websites in English. I used an online translator at first but soon, without realizing it, I had learned the language. I don’t really know how, but I guess, being so young, it was easy for me to learn new languages. I remember (around 2011) watching an interview without subtitles and thinking “wow, I can understand this” and realizing I no longer needed subtitles.

I had created a Twitter account, which I used during 2010-2011. There I could connect with other fans. And, once again, I hid all of this from my parents. I spent most of my time in my room in Twitter, and when I was not on Twitter I was serching more information about my idols in other websites.

I was a fan of a boyband, and one of the members started disappointing his fans. There were “bad” rumours, and I didn’t like any of that. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but I started feeling really bad, I got into a very bad state, where I had suicidal thoughts. All of that was caused by fanatism for the band and my daydreams. I guess I thought the guy was disappointing his fans and that conflictd with the idea of them being the best band, or at least, having very united and loving fans? I don’t know. In fact, to this day, I don’t really understand it. But I was feeling very bad. I’m not sure how much it lasted. I would listen to sad songs while pacing around my room, daydreaming and crying. I remember being at school crying, and no one cared. I remember being at school and thinking “if I had a gun right now, I’d kill myself” I saw no point in living anymore. I think I would have been capable of that if I had had a gun. Of course, I didn’t tell this to anyone, probably because I didn’t know how to explain it, or maybe I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone? I don’t remember, I don’t remember what my thoughts were about other people knowing about it, I think at the time I just assumed it was something I should deal with alone and telling others didn’t even cross my mind. Then it stopped. I simply stopped feeling that way.

I continued using my Twitter account, and I would spend a lot of time daydreaming about the band I liked. I basically imagined what their tours would be like, what they would say in their interviews, and things like that. I watched interviews from other people just to add to my inspiration. Let’s say I watched an interview. What I would do was just pause after every question and imagine what they (the members of the band I liked) would answer, things like that.

There was also a period where I wanted to be famous. So I imagined what a documentary about me would be like. But it wasn’t something very elaborate, more like random scenes about that documentary film. I also imagined being in a concert while listening to music with headphones and pacing around my room. I had planned I could become famous by uploading my videos singing to Youtube, sort of what Justin Bieber did. But then, at a certain age (when I was getting close to 11, I think) my daydreams stopped focusing on me as a celebrity, and started focusing only on other people.

I spent most of my time in my room with my notebook. I only left my room for eating, showering and going to school. My parents started worrying about this, but they didn’t really do anything to stop it. They would tell me it was bad for me to spend so much time on my PC, and I found that annoying. School was really easy, so I didn’t even have to do homework (maybe only once in a while) I learned how to torrent movies, music, etc.

I remember one time my computer had had some problems and I had to sent it for repairing. I tried to delete everything I had on my pc about my celebs, all the images, videos, etc. I just felt like I couldn’t show that. And I also remember one time where my mom saw my computer, I had to show it to her because it was broken, and there was a file of a concert I had downloaded on the desktop. I think it was a Madonna concert. I was panicking, because I didn’t want her to see it. I didn’t want her to know I downloaded things from the internet.

2011-2016

In 2011 I stopped caring about the Disney celebs I liked before, and started having an obsession with The Beatles. I think I discovered them when I found one of their movies, and then started investigating more about them. I had now found another band to daydream about. I listened to most of their albums, watched a ton of documentaries, and was always looking for information about them.

Around this time I also discovered Tumblr and made an account.I also discovered other rock and metal bands, but didn’t listen much to them, I only really cared about The Beatles.

There was also a period where I started getting really interested in astrology. I can’t really place this correctly in a timeline, but I think it was in 2011. I remember discovering bands like The Sex Pistols, and watching some documentaries about. Sid & Nancy was I movie I liked, and I daydreamed about it, I imagined myself in the place of a punk musician in the 70s. And I would pace around my room listening to some Sex Pistols songs.

During 2008-2011 I was pretty much alone in school, and didn’t really care about others. In 2011, I was in sixth grade, and I remember some people thought I was weird. In fact, some children said I talked and laughed alone, so they started calling me crazy. I had some teachers talk to my mom saying I had some sort of psychological problem, and that I should be taken to a psychiatrist. Why did they think that? Probably because of what the other children were saying about me talking alone, and because they saw I was always alone and didn’t show much interest in being with other children. One of the teachers told my mom “In the USA, children like that end up shooting schools” But my mom didn’t pay attention to them, she thought I was simply an introvert and they were exaggerating. I was probably so immersed in my daydreams that I made gestures or said some words corresponding to what I was daydreaming. I can understand people at that time thinking I was crazy, but I could distinguish perfectly between dreams and reality. My teacher’s comment about shooting schools is interesting, because I remember that at 11 I found out about the Columbine Massacre and watched a documentary about it. I daydreamed for some time about this, imagining myself in the place of someone who suffers bullying and shoots up a school with one of his friends. Of course, I would never really do that in real life, it was just something I daydreamed about.

I basically stopped talking to my cousin after 2010, because he had his own group of friends, and he was also 3 years older than me. He was very interested in music and in 2012 had his own band. In february of that year I went to his birthday. He was playing with his band. That day I saw a guy, the bassist, and thought he was good-looking. After that day I would sometimes think about the guy I saw, but I knew nothing about him. Then my birthday came, in March, and my cousin invited that guy. It was the first time I talked to him. Some days later I went to Facebook, which I never used because I preferred being in Twitter/Tumblr, and searched his profile. He posted a lot about himself, so I had an idea of what he was like. I started daydreaming about dating him, and forgot about my previous daydreams.

That guy was 16, so I knew that was a big age difference and it probably wouldn’t work, but I still hoped maybe it could happen. I knew I would be considered ridiculous if I said I was in love while being 12 years old, and that bothered me. And yet now, looking back, I think it was the only time I was actually in love with someone. I started seeing in Facebook not only his profile, but also basically anything related to my cousin’s group of friends. They were metalheads. I would see the photos of the concerts they went to, and imagined myself being with them. I wanted to belong to that group, but no one ever invited me to do anything. And I also knew my mom wouldn’t let me go to concerts, and wouldn’t want me to listen to that music, to wear those clothes, etc. I knew I couldn’t really be what I wanted to be.

So I spent 2012 daydreaming about being with those people and dating that guy. I remember in July of that year I was invited to go to a sort-of-concert where my cousin was playing with some people in another city. He was part of a music school, and it was the end-of-year concert, I think. I knew most of his friends would be there, including that guy, so I was excited to go. I went with my aunt.

None of his friends were there at first, but then I saw him arrive, just in time to see my cousin in the stage. He sat behind me. I wanted to see his face so badly (the only time I had seen him before that was in my birthday) but knew it would be too obvious if I stared at him. Then the song ended, he and another friend went to talk to my cousin. They decided to go to eat somewhere, and I wanted to go with them, but I wasn’t invited. I think they didn’t even talk to me. So, instead I had to go with my aunt to eat somewhere else. And meanwhile I was in the restaurant with my aunt, I would imagine I was there with the guy I liked, that we went out together to eat. We had dinner and then we headed back home.

I remember sitting in the car with my aunt, looking at the window and crying, crying because I knew I would never be with the guy I loved or with that group of friends, because I knew I would never be part of any of that. Maybe it was because I was too young, but I had tried to be invited, to be with them, but I was ignored. I hated the limitations of being 12, I didn’t like that I was considered so immature by everyone. Looking back, I think I actually had the mentality of someone who’s 14-15, I’m sure I would have gotten along with the group of friends, even if they were older than me.

The year ended, and in 2013 I started secondary school. At first, I didn’t have any friends and sat alone like always, but then a girl sat next to me and we started talking. We became friends, but we were never really close. She was my friend and the person I sat next to during 2013-2015. I remember thinking I was glad to have found someone who didn’t require me to go out with her or talk to her a lot. I think we saw each other outside school only like once or twice a year.

By the end of 2013 I stopped caring about the guy I liked. He changed and disappointed me, and I stopped caring about the rest (my cousin and all the group of friends). I had now discovered a new band, and I also started getting interested in languages. Russian was the language I wanted to become fluent in.

One day I was talking with my mom, and she mentioned I seemed to like learning languages, and asked if I didn’t want to learn a new language. I told her I did, and she mentioned she had always wanted learn Russian or German. Those were exactly the languages I wanted to study, so it was a bit surprising. We started looking for courses in our city, of both German and Russian. My dad said it didn’t make sense for me to study Russian, because it isn’t a popular or useful language here, meanwhile German is more popular. I felt like I couldn’t justify my desire to learn Russian, and ended up just choosing German, even thought I actually wanted Russian.

In 2014 I started going to German classes, and I studied Russian on the internet. Nobody knows I studied Russian because as I said, my parents don’t really know what I do on the internet. During 2014 and 2015 I had very good grades at school and in the German class. I was very motivated, I wanted to have the best grades, and could spend a lot of time studying.

I spent most of my 2016 summer holidays (December of 2015 to March of 2016) studying Russian. It had started to become like an obligation for me. I mean, I liked it and I knew it was not something I HAD to do, but I had the goal of becoming fluent, and so I felt like I needed to spend all of my time learning. If I spent much time doing anything else, I thought I was “wasting time” But I also couldn’t help getting distracted sometimes, and instead of all the time I could have dedicated to it, I only dedicated a few hours. Despite that I actually managed to learn a lot, I’m not fluent but I have a big vocabulary, I understand like 70% of what people say/what I read in most situations. If I had to speak or write, though, it’s much more difficult.

Around march of 2016 I decided to simply stop learning Russian. It was sad for me to stop, but I couldn’t see any use for it in my life, and it was very difficult to become fluent, especially because I had no one to practice with, and there aren’t many resources on the internet, at least not much compared to languages like German or French. It was very difficult, I was dedicating too much time to it and I thought I wouldn’t get anything from it because Russian isn’t such an important, and the only language I really needed was English. So I sort of gave up. And I remember feeling sad about this. In a way, I hated the fact that the Russian language wasn’t given as much of attention as other languages, and the fact that English is the lingua franca of the world.

In March of 2016 I started my fourth year of secondary school, and things changed. First of all, I now had to go to school in the morning (7 to 12 aprox.), and I discovered I really hate waking up early in the morning. Before that I went to school in the afternoon (13-18 pm) I wasn’t used to going to bed early (used to sleep at 12 or 1 am), and I think for most of that year I couldn’t go to bed early.

I also had new classmates now. Only 5 people from my previous class were there. This wasn’t a problem for me, I didn’t really care. I remember my friend talking about her expectation for this new class, if it would be better or not compared to the last, but I didn’t have any expectations, I thought I would feel the same in whatever class I went to, because people were always the same to me.

I now had to go to German class in the afternoon, and it was getting really difficult for me because when I got home from school all I wanted to do was sleep. So I started hating having to go to the class, and I wasn’t studying as hard as in 2014 (in 2015 I didn’t go to German classes because of schedule problems) I still did well, had good grades but lower than I used to.

I don’t know why but studying started to become really difficult for me. I couldn’t study for too long. I suddenly couldn’t understand how I used to be able to study for hours. It’s like in 2013-2015 I had an “alarm” that, whenever I remembered I needed to do something important, would make me stop focusing on any distractions and start studying. I started feeling that alarm no longer worked. It got to the point where I knew I had to do some important homework for the next day but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I still managed to get good grades, though. They were lower than in the previous years but still one of the best in my class. School here is quite easy, teachers give you a lot of opportunities to pass, and students aren’t expected to study much. So nobody realized how things had changed for me, I felt it was harder for me to concentrate, to study, but it didn’t reflect on my grades, and my family thought I was studying as always. My friend started hanging out with a guy and another girl of our class, and so we became a group of friends. I’m not sure when I started having the feeling of loneliness. Probably around July.

I remember going to my German classes and feeling like I wanted someone to be with me. I guess started to feel more distant from my classmates and my friends in the class. I knew that in July we would receive exchange students in our school, and I started daydreaming about it. At first, I imagined I would have a girl best friend who was an exchange student. I especially wanted her to be from Germany or Russia because I wanted to practice the languages I was learning. So I was very excited about it. I daydreamed more and more about having a best friend who understood me, someone I could really trust and like. Then the day came. An Italian girl and a French guy came to our school. The Italian girl went to my class (the 7th) and the French guy to the 1st. My first reaction to the guy was the he was really good-looking. And from the gir, well I was curious and wanted to get to know her more to see if we would become best friends or not.

The Italian girl became a part of my group of friends. In a way, I had gotten what I wanted, because I wanted any exchange student that came to the school to belong to my group of friends. It was with us that spent most of the time, she sat near us, and eventually ended up sitting next to me. At first it seemed like we were going to be great friends, but it never really happened. I think we spent some months sitting next to each other, I sometimes helped her, explained the meaning of words, etc. But our relationship never evolved. She knew I thought the French guy was cute, and soon my other friends found out. So we would often talked about it. I was never in love with him, though. I only thought he was good-looking and wanted to get to know him more, but, the more I found out about his personality, the less I liked him. For some time I tried to get an opportunity to talk to him, but it didn’t happened. We would sometimes see each other in recesses and we would greet each other because he knew I was the Italian girl’s friend.

Around this time (August) I started going to nightclubs for the first time. I never really felt any interest for it, but since I now had an Italian friend, and there was the French guy too, I wanted to start go, mostly because I felt curiosity of how they would react to the parties and stuff.

In October I went to the nightclub. My friends were supposed to go too. But they didn’t, I don’t remember exactly why, but they ended up not going. People usually make a party in someone’s house before going to the nightclub, so I went to the party, I knew there would be people from all of the 4th year classes from our school. When I got there, I was alone. There was no one from my class (I think I will call it division from now on, that’s how it’s called in Spanish. There are 7 different divisions for 4th year (16 year old) students) There were only people from other classes. But I found a girl that I knew from previous years and started talking to her. Then my classmates arrived, but they weren’t really the people I talked and, since my friends weren’t going to come, I decided to just stay with this girl.

Then the hour came to go to the nightclub. The girl and I called a taxi, most students went walking (the place was quite far, though, so it was a lot of walking) When we arrived to the nightclub, the girl met with a guy. I understood there that they were going to spend most of the time together. We entered, we were dancing and soon they started hugging and kissing. I felt kind of weird just standing there next to them (I wasn’t used to dancing, so at the time I would mostly just stand) while they were together, so I told the girl I would go buy some drinks. It was just a way of finding something to do and get out of the situation, not because I actually wanted a drink. So I went to the bar and there was a lot of people there, most of them men, so I knew I would have to wait there a lot.

All of the students were supposed to be able to get free drinks until 3 am, so I was expecting to get my drink for free. Then, as I was waiting, some guys started talking to me. It was full of guys, I was probably the only girl in there, so I was started to regret the decision of going to buy the drinks, but I was already there and decided to stay. A guy asked if he could buy a drink for me, I told them no and showed them the seal in my wrist (I’m not sure what’s the correct word for this in English) so he knew I was a student and could get my drinks for free. He went away. I really didn’t want to flirt with anyone, so I was really hoping that no guy would try to buy me a drink again. A lot of time passed, it was almost 3 am and there were still people before me to buy drinks. Then finally it was my turn. I asked the guy for a drink and he told me I could only get the free drinks in the bar that was upstairs. A guy was near me, he started talking to me and he offered to go with me to the bar upstairs. I accepted although I really wasn’t comfortable with the situation.

So we went upstairs but by the time I could ask for the drink, it was already 3 am. It was maybe 3:03 but the barman said no, I had to pay. I was kind of angry at this, how was I supposed to know I could only get the drinks upstairs. The guy used this situation to offer me the drink, and I accepted. I think I paid half the drink, though (I don’’t remember) It was not something I really wanted to do, but I didn’t want to reject the guy. Then he continued talking to me and kissed me. It was my first kiss ever. And, if I have to be honest, it was quite disgusting. I don’t if it is because he was a bad kisser, because I didn’t know how to kiss, because I didn’t like him/didn’t feel anything, but I really disliked the feeling of lip contact. It was nothing like I expected kissing to feel like. We continued talking for some time, but then I guess he got tired of me, said he was going to the bathroom and left. At first, I didn’t know what to expect, if he was actually going to come back or not. I waited for like maybe 20 minutes in the same place and then realized he was not coming back so just went downstairs again. Just to give you an idea, there are different floors in this nightclub and there’s people dancing in all of them, but the ground floor is an open place. There was a lot of people. I went to the ground floor, tried to dance for a while, but I was alone, and then another guy appeared and tried to kiss me. I accepted, and, again, I didn’t like it at all. The guy gave me his phone number but I never texted me. By this time I was already tired of being there, I didn’t like the music, I didn’t like anything at all and didn’t want any guys to keep flirting with me. So I asked my mom to pick me up, and left early. So, as you can see, it was a pretty bad experience.

Around this time I was quite obsessed with reading books, and learning about literary theory and philosophy. I basically transferred my obsession with learning Russian to an obsession with reading. I guess my desire to find someone grew more and more. I started daydreaming about finding a boyfriend, particularly.

2017

In January of 2017 I traveled to Brazil with my family. A part of me wished I would meet someone in that travel. It was another daydream, another fantasy. That didn’t happen. It was a nice trip, but I was getting kind of annoyed of being with my family, constantly having to go where they wanted to go. I really wished I could travel with a person I liked, just me and the guy I liked. I think it may have been around this time also that I started daydreaming frequently about having a family. Like, I imagined traveling with my children and my husband/boyfriend (in the future) And also imagined traveling with a boyfriend in a closer future/present. I felt quite limited, like I couldn’t go to the places I wanted to go.

I remember that, while being in a shopping, I saw they were selling a magazine about philosophy. It was in Portuguese, but I already knew some of the language and, since it’s similar to Spanish, I knew I could read it with the help of a dictionary. This was a time where I was very interested in learning about philosophy, so I really wanted to buy it, but I didn’t know how to tell this to my mom. I felt like my interest for philosophy couldn’t be justified. Of course, she didn’t know I spent a lot of time o the internet searching about philosophy or literature, she didn’t realize I had developed this new interest, except for the fact that I said I wanted to study Literature as a university career. So, I didn’t ask her to buy me the magazine. I couldn’t do it. I wanted to go to see more libraries, but every time was saw one, my mom and the others would say “what’s the point of seeing the books there if they’re all in Portuguese” They didn’t think that, maybe, I wanted to read books in Portuguese.

So during this travel I spent a lot of time parallely imagining in my head what it would have been like if I had travelled alone or with a S.O.

In February, before school started, there was another party in a nightclub. A party that students who had just entered the fifth and last year of high school went to. It’s supposed to be a celebration of the fact that you’re in the last year. I decided to go. But the only reason I wanted to go is because I had this crazy idea, this hope, that I would find the person I was looking for there. I even thought that I could wear a ring, that this would serve as a symbol for the other person to find me. And maybe he would wear one too, and we would find each other. Two people looking for each other. For a moment I believed it could happen. But I went to the nightclub, and it was a disappointment. I didn’t find anyone. Of course, no one was wearing the ring or any other symbol I had expected from the fantasy on my mind. It was dark, but I tried to see if I could recognize someone. How would I recognize him? Because he would also be looking for me. I planned that we would both separate a bit from other people, we would be alone for some minutes, and we would start looking at everyone in the party, and everyone else would be too focused on other things to notice, but we would be looking for each other. And we would recognize each other. That didn’t happen, another disappointment.

I also had the idea that I could maybe find this person in my school library. If we both were on the same school, then maybe we would both go to the library and could find each other there. That also didn’t happen. It didn’t happen because that person doesn’t exist. And I would soon learn that.

It was in 2017, I don’t remember exactly in what month, that I went to one of my friend’s house. Well, it was not actually his house, it was his aunt’s apartment but he was allowed to stay there alone for some time. Something I haven’t mentioned until now, is that my mom is a person that cares a lot about cleanliness. And I’m also this way. We have the custom of taking our shoes off at the door, we don’t wear the same shoes we wear in the street inside the house. And we also don’t have pets inside the house, because they would bring dirt into the house, and would shed hairs on the bed, sofa, etc. That’s how I live and that’s how I want to live always. But that’s very different from what people are used to where I’m from. Most people don’t take their shoes off, they don’t have any problems having their dogs/cats inside the house and sleeping with them.

So I went to the apartment, and this guy (like most people) has very different customs to the ones I grew up with. He took the blanket from his bed and placed on the floor. Then people walked on it with the same shoes they wear on the street. It was a bit disgusting to me to have sit on that (we were about to watch a movie and we were supposed to sit on the blanket) but I decided to ignore it. Then, when the time to sleep came, I was allowed to sleep in the bedroom. The bed was full of dog hair, which I also found uncomfortable. I didn’t want to sleep there, at that moment I wished I could have been at my home sleeping in my room, with my cleaning standards. But I couldn’t mention any of this to them, they wouldn’t understand, they were raised in a different way.

Then, at school, the conditions were really bad. The classrooms are dirty. This is something that has always bothered me, but it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else. If you take a white paper and rub it on the school benches, it comes out black from all the dirt the benches have. The chairs were also dirty. And people constantly placed their shoes on the chair, which, of course, made them dirtier. I’m probably the only one here who thinks it’s disgusting to place your dirty shoes on the chairs. But no one cares, everyone finds it normal. Then there’s also the problem of trash. People throw trash on the floor and don’t care about it. And the bathrooms are super dirty too.

I hated having to go everyday to such a dirty school. But no one else cared. I knew I was alone on this. And I had to pretend I didn’t notice, I had to pretend it didn’t bother me. The only person that understands what I feel is my mom, because she shares the same opinion, she raised me this way. The schools conditions in this city are terrible, and they will continue to be terrible if people don’t care about it. It’s not only the dirtiness and general bad conditions of the place, the quality of education is really bad, and students often misbehave. I saw classmates break chairs or benches just because they thought it was “fun”.

So all of this was very depressing to me, and I started wishing I could meet someone who had similar opinions to mine, someone I could rant to about the school conditions and that would actually agree with me. I daydreamed that I would find someone, meet someone at school, slowly start talking and realize we both thought the same. I dreamed about having the joy, the surpise, of finding someone similar to me, the feeling of having a “connection” with someone. Never happened. There is no one like me. I was alone. In my school, in my city and, probably, in the world. I could never relate to any of my classmates, to anyone I met. They were all so different to me.

I think it was around this time too, or maybe before, around 2016-early 2017- that I was feeling quite annoyed with my parents. My mom constantly yelled at me and it made me feel angry. For some time I wanted to live alone and become independent from my parents. I wanted to have the freedom of having my own money, being able to buy whatever I wanted, go to wherever I wanted, and not having to hear my parents’ complains. I wanted freedom.

Things started to get worse and worse for me, the idea of finding someone and having a family on the future, started to become stronger. I even had the idea of going to live somewhere on the countryside, isolated from everyone else, just with my husband and children. My idea of happiness was having a boyfriend that understood me, agreed with me, and raising my children.

In may of 2017 aprox. I started having joint pain. Then I was diagnosed with Lupus and started taking corticosteroids. I never cared about it, and I always thought it wasn’t Lupus because I didn’t have any of the symptoms except joint pain and hair loss. No rashes and it didn’t get worse with the sun.

On a day of September 2017 I went to a family reunion. I would sometimes daydream, when going to family reunions, that I took my boyfriend with me, I pictured being together with someone. That day my cousin and his girlfriend (they’re together since 2013) were present. I stayed there until late afternoon. Then I went back home. When I got back home, I started crying. That’s when it began. I realized nothing of what I was imagining was real, I was never going to meet that person, that person simply didn’t exist. There was no one for me, there was no one like me.

I tried searching on Facebook. I had once created a fake profile, I tried searching for other profiles similar to the one I had created. I wanted to think that maybe someone went trough similar experiences to mine and had also created an account like that. But had no succes. I tried going to Goodreads and seaching for the people online, but found no one from my city. I tried looking for clues, for signs that there was someone else looking for a person like me, someone who had gone through nearly the same. But no.

I’m an asexual person. I don’t feel sexual attractions towards anyone. I don’t understand the world’s obsession with sex, it’s something that made me feel even more alienated from everyone else. Most people seem to think that a relationship without sex is impossible, I’m tired of constantly hearing people talking about how important and great sex is. So, what are the possibilities of finding someone like that? Someone that also thinks this way but that wants to have a family. Someone that agrees with my views about cleanliness, that accepts living in a house in the same way I want to. The possibilities are really low.

I had believed I would find someone with the same mindset, someone I could feel a connection to, someone that I could trust enought to talk about my daydreams, someone with whom I could rant about the things that bothered and be validated. I dreamed about finding someone who would have (almost) the same opinions as me. What a fool I was.

Everything inside me sort of broke. I was probably never going to find the person, I would have to be forever surrounded by people I can’t relate to. What was the point of living?

In September I was told by my doctor that I didn’t have Lupus, that it was what they call a “phenomenon”, sort of like an isolated episode. So I stopped taking the medications and I haven’t seen her (the doctor) again. I still occasionally have joint pain but nothing too bad. This was after I had started having the suicidal thoughts.

When I’m with other people, I can’t help but notice how different our life experiences have been. Most people haven’t spent so much time on the internet. They don’t speak English, and that’s crazy to me, because I feel like it has been such an important part of my life. I’m always searching things in English, I have always resorted to Google to search and find more things about what I was thinking, about my daydreams, investigating about different things. I can’t imagine my life without doing this. And to think only very few people here know or use Reddit; I would constantly get results from Reddit when searching on Google. Not knowing about its existence sounds crazy to me. And yet most people don’t know about it. Most people don’t know about asexuality, daydreaming, and so many other concepts I learned from the internet. But when I see other people, I notice their experience with the internet is very different. They definitely didn’t experience what I did. They don’t understand. It’s not that I think it’s a bad thing that people can’t speak English or don’t know as much of the internet as I do. But it’s something that makes me sad, it makes it harder for me to relate to anyone.

Sometimes I think, how different all of my life would have been if I had met that person in 2016, for example. Everything would have been very different, I probably would have gotten more motivation to study, I would never had gotten into this amount of emotional pain, I wouldn’t even know the horrible feeling of loneliness. And I would be a happy person. But I didn’t get that. Sometimes when I see certain couples I feel a bit jealous, not in a bad sense; I’m happy for them, but I also feel sad that I don’t have that.

I just wanted to meet someone who was “on the same level” as mine. With this I don’t mean to say I’m on a higher level than other people, I’m talking about people who’ve had a similar life experience, someone that knows pretty much the same things I know, because they’ve also spent all that time on the internet, in the same way I did.

So, since September I entered a very bad mood. I became suicidal. Actually, after that day of family reunion where everything started, I stayed really sad for some days and then I recovered for 4 days. Yes, four days in which I thought “I will find that person, I don’t have to focus on that right now” and was feeling ok.

I thought the bad mood had been something temporary, I thought I could recover and feel “normal” again. But, on the fourth day, I woke up in the afternoon after a nap and was feeling a bit down. I went with my mom to a bookshop. I was reading Harry Potter at that moment, and I wanted to buy a Harry Potter coloring book and the 6th book too. I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I thought my mom would ask why am I choosing the 6th one instead of the first, and I would have to explain I read the other books on the internet. And I didn’t like the idea of having to tell her I read books I download from the internet. It means admitting I have access to a lot of information. And, I don’t know, it makes me feel uncomfortable. There were also other books I liked; books about politics. But I felt like I was not allowed to buy those type of books, that I couldn’t justify my interest in them. I felt that my mom would probably say “why do you want to read THAT, what made you get interested in that” I started crying in the shop but I managed to control my tears so that my mom wouldn’t realize. When I got back home I was crying again, feeling suicidal again. And from that moment on, I don’t think I’ve recovered.

Since that moment, I’ve been suffering. There were days in which I cried SO, SO much. There was a period in which I cried almost during the whole day, from morning until the evening. I couldn’t tell anyone about my pain. They wouldn’t understand. If I tell them I feel lonely, they would probably just advice me to meet more people. But they don’t understand; my problem is I can’t find anyone I can relate to, I’m so different from everyone. Now, if I tell people that, they would probably think I’m exaggerating, that I’m trying to make myself look special or something like that. And there are things I couldn’t really say to anyone; there’s no one I trust enought to talk about certain things. My daydreams, for example. My asexuality, too. The cleanliness part (most people wouldn’t understand or would maybe get offended since they do all the things I consider dirty)

During these 3-4 months, I’ve been suicidal most of the time, I’ve suffered so much. I would cry and felt like I needed to scream. I would sort of scream silently, because I can’t let people hearing me screaming. I felt like I just wanted the world to be over, I wanted to never see that school again, I wanted everything to disappear. I was so tired of everything. So tired of the pain. So tired of the bad luck I had had, knowing I hated the world I was in. Almost 4 months of living like this. It feels like it has been more. After the extreme pain started in September, I’m not sure if I can say I’ve been “living”, I feel almost like I’m dead.

I started visiting subs like /depression or /suicidewatch. However, I could never really find anyone in a similar situation to mine, and that made me feel more alone and alienated. Even among the people who suffer, I was still alone on my suffering, it seemed. I could only relate to some things people posted there (suicidal thoughts and feelings of sadness, not wanting to hurt your parents), but there were so many other things I couldn’t relate to at all. I sometimes see people posting “sad memes” on Facebook. Or the “me_irl” memes on Reddit. Can’t relate to most of them either. Same in Tumblr, if I tried searching “sad”, most of the images/texts are not relatable.

I mentioned before that at one point I wanted to move out of my parent’s house and become independent. I thought that would make me happy. But then I found out that not even all that freedom would make me happy, it wouldn’t eliminate the feeling of loneliness, it wouldn’t eliminate all the pain. It would help maybe, to have more freedom, but not much.

They were months of pretending too. The only reason to keep living was my family. I wouldn’t want to hurt them. And, yet, I couldn’t tell my parents about it. I don’t have enough trust. As I said, they don’t know what I do on the internet, I never tell them; they know few things about me, actually. They have their own spiritual beliefs, they believe in reincarnation and that things happen to us because of karma. My dad says that if you fear something, it will manifest in your life. It’s basically The Law of Attraction. They both believe that you can heal illneses by positive thinking and more things like that. I don’t believe in any of that, and I also think the idea of karma and of The Law of Attraction are kind of contradictory, but I never tell them my true opinion because I wouldn’t want to argue with them, and I’m not sure if our relationship would be the same afterwards. I wished they thought differently. It’s not nice having to deal with your family having such differnt beliefs from yours. And I’m pretty sure if I told them I was having suicidal thoughts or told them about my problems they would probably come up with an explanation about how karma affects our life, and that everything happens for a reason. And also my dad looks down on suicidal people.

When I was at one of my worst moments, I tried imagining having to explain to my mom my pain and my suicidal thoughts. There are so many things I don’t think I could tell her. Me having suicidal thoughts at age 10, the fact that I don’t share the same beliefs at them, all I did on the internet plus the fact that I ended up talking to people online, my asexuality (I’m not sure if she would understand it, maybe she will think it’s not real or that it’s wrong). She would be shocked, and I don’t think I could ever be tell her. Same with my dad, but it’s actually more difficult to me to trust him, I’d rather tell my mom.

So I was trapped. I was suffering so much in life that I didn’t want to live anymore, but I also couldn’t die, I couldn’t do that to my family. What if I had to suffer during years without them ever finding out? Even if they did find out, they wouldn’t understand.

I used to think that I could talk about those things I can’t talk with my parents or anyone else (the daydreaming, the asexuality, my beliefs, everything I’m saying here basically) with the person I was looking for. That way I would never need to let my parents know about who I really am.

Sometimes I like to think that maybe in a few years there will be a person in a similar situation. Now that children grow up getting computers and phones at a such a young age. The chances of someone ending up on a similar situation are higher. Maybe. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe there is someone like me but that hasn’t gotten to the period I’m currently at. They haven’t yet discovered the feeling of loneliness, that’s why they’re not looking for someone else yet. I mean, in 2015 I still wasn’t aware of all of this feeling of loneliness and being different (I actually did feel it but not as strong as I would later on) I hadn’t yet posted any of this on Reddit, Tumblr or whatever, I didn’t look for anyone yet. Maybe there’s someone like that out there. Maybe. But probably not.

Sometimes I look at my (now ex) classmates, I look at all the other students, I look at all the people I know and think “I’m the only person here who’s gone through this, who’s experienced all that, I’m the only one who’s posted on subs /offmychest, /depression. Probably the only person in the whole city who has done this” And I just… I can’t believe it. What kind of horrible gene combination and life situations ended up making me like this? Why. Why did I have to be like this? Why can’t I be just like everybody else? All of them are happy, they like their school, not like me, most people my age just like to go out and drink and be with their friends, and they have no idea of the things I know/I’ve experienced, we’re basically in different worlds.

What if I actually found that person I was looking for and he/she dies? Wouldn’t I be destroyed, wouldn’t I feel lonely again? Should I really depend on someone else to be happy? But this is just a supposition, because I don’t even know that person. What if I managed to form a family and my children died? What if I died? They would be left without a mom. Life is a cruel thing, full of tragedies. Anything can end at any moment. How am I supposed to look at life as a good thing?

My parents already have their own problems and having their only child die would only make everything worse, I think. I don’t want them to suffer. My mom has frequent headaches and if she gets nervous then she gets physical symptoms. My parents argue with each other every now and then. My mom’s told me if she had enough money she would go live somewhere else away from my dad. But at the same time, I know that when they’re not fighting they do enjoy each other’s company, and I think she would maybe feel lonely if she truly went to live alone. I wished I could have enough money and give it to her so that she can live wherever she wants. But I can’t get a job, I’m pretty sure my parents would 100% prefer for me to study at university than to get a job. And yet I think studying is harder.

So all those thoughts ran through my head on December 26-28. The “why did I have to end up like this”, “why can’t I be like everyone else and make my parents happy”, “There’s no solution for me, I’m trapped” I was trapped because I was dying inside but I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else, there was no solution for me. I imagined trying to tell my cousin about it, also felt like I couldn’t do it. I imagined that, for whatever reason, I died. It made me sad. What would my family feel. I was tired of the feeling of hopelessness, tired of suffering so much, I just wanted it all to end.

Then on December 30 or 31, I don’t remember exactly, I started feeling I was on a higher mood than usual. I didn’t feel happy, but I was calmer. The intense pain and feeling of hopelessness and despair was gone. I’t’s January 3rd now and I’m still on this mood. It seems like it has been a bit longer. Every day feels like many days for me. I’m so grateful that I have the chance to feel calmer, even if my problems aren’t over. There are still things that bother me and tnat I worry about; the feeling of loneliness and of being different is not gone, it will continue there. And there’s the fact that it’s going to be very difficult to find someone compatible with me if I really want to form a family with someone. I’ll probably be single for a long time, if not single my whole life. Unless I meet someone I actually like and with whom things can work just fine. I don’t know, though. I still worry about all of these things, but at least it now doesn’t affect me much at an emotional level. I really don’t want to ever go back to the pain I felt, to the intense feeling of hopelessness and anguish, to all those hours of crying. I hope I don’t ever come back there. If I can stay in this mood, then maybe I can survive, I can continue with life. But on my previous state it was pure torture, I don’t think I could live like that for too long.

Now I don’t what is going to happen with my life. I feel that I’m living because I don’t want to kill myself. But is there any point in life? Can I ever be truly happy? Well, I should enjoy this moment of emotional peace and try to keep on living and see what happens. A scary thought recently occured to me: maybe I can’t have a fulfilling relationship with anyone, maybe I’m unable to have (true) friends or a couple. Maybe I’m just unable to be with people. Maybe I’m unable to truly be happy. Those thoughts threaten to send me into an episode of suffering again, but most of the time I feel calm, luckily. Calm but, also, in a way, lost. What will be of me? What am I doing? I don’t know, I hope the calmness continues, I hope I can feel an even higher mood, of course, I hope everything improves.

#story

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