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cosmosogler · 8 years ago

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hi.

last night my brother screamed at his computer until around 1:30 even though i went to bed at 12:45. i finally dozed off around 2.

when my alarm went off at 9 i was so tired from not sleeping and from comicon that i slept in for 45 minutes. my brother was already up and screaming at his computer by 9.

i took a shower... needed to get the glitter from yesterday off. i scrubbed a little bit before bed last night but dumping water on myself for 20 minutes helped more. mom made french toast. i got real sick after trying it.

i mostly bummed around watching youtube videos until 12:30 when i needed to start getting ready for therapy. i got to the facility on time and filled out the daily check in stuff and blah blah blah. i really didn’t want to go, but i wanted to interact with mom and dad less than that. dad already had some judgmental things to say as i was leaving. something about honoring our veterans.

i tried to avoid over-participating in therapy today but got kind of dog piled during my check in. i kept it focused on what i did and not how i felt. i think that kept everyone pretty distracted. the therapist commented that i had done up my nails and looked really good and it was good to see me taking care of myself. i said i only did it for the costume but she didn’t respond or look like she had heard me.

also i feel even worse than usual so i thought maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring that up just to rain on their parade.

that sounds really, really stupid when i write it and look at what i just wrote.

but i didn’t want to be dour just for the sake of riling them up! i did that dumb thing where i would recount something bad that happened and laugh and then apparently immediately stop smiling. the therapist says i do that a lot. she said nobody else is laughing with me and i was thinking “just let me have this.”

sooo... we talked about boundaries today and co-dependence, which are important to talk about. more direct communication. how some people have rigid boundaries and some have porous, and in different situations, and how that can get out of control. i said i felt like i had porous boundaries and then the therapist was all “i see you as more of a rigid-boundaries person” and rated it 70/30. she asked if i had ever been open and honest with anyone which created a great launch pad for a list of people who snubbed me.

i need to be more direct about what i need from therapy. but i really, REALLY don’t want to spend 3 hours complaining about people i don’t like. which seems to be necessary to explain why i don’t like people.

i guess nobody knew that mom used to beat me when i was little because everyone got kind of quiet when i mentioned it when we were talking about physical boundaries. i forgot to mention that i had already called child services when i brought up she maybe hits my brother too... maybe wednesday.

um... i refused to participate when we talked about sexual boundaries.

and i talked about how i don’t really feel anything when i do big favors for people. like when i drove leah to the hospital and stayed there with her all night. she never even thanked me. and... i mean, it’s hard to thank someone in that situation.

well, no it’s not... i didn’t have trouble thanking bradley or hogan when they drove me to and from the hospital back in january.

mm.

and thinking about everything i did for craig for literally nothing makes me too furious to think about anything else so i will try to avoid that road for now. maybe later.

now i’m getting angry about other stuff. i poured my heart and soul into my relationship with jim. i did everything i could to communicate clearly and be open and trust as best i could (maybe not incredible amounts of trust, but, enough to expect him to tell me when things weren’t working out any more). and he DITCHED ME WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i spent 12 years of my life being friends with that guy. do you know how much growing it took for me to start being able to have actual, like, friendship activities with him? how hard i worked to learn how to be a good friend and treat people better?

i’m not saying he owes me anything. but, like, a “this isn’t working, i’d like to stop talking for a while” would have been nice.

but no.

the therapist says i spend a lot of my time living in the past, and yeah... i have trouble letting go of my anger and frustration. i feel like if i don’t hold on to it and etch it into myself it won’t have been real. if i stop being angry everyone just gets relieved and smooths it over and goes back to their lives. “forgive and forget,” the christian school kids used to sneer at me after, like, spitting on me. that happened.

i can’t forgive or forget because that would be letting the bullies win. and i’m stubborn and hate when bad people get away with everything. that’s probably why i can’t let go of the craig stuff either. because i was a bad person, so i got what i deserved. and i have to remind myself of that every day, because that’s justice.

that and isn’t an aspect of ptsd, like, being stuck reliving the same events over and over even if you don’t want to any more? i mean, i get flashbacks. i don’t know if they’re real memories or not any more... but sometimes they come on and i literally cannot focus on anything that is happening in the present because i can feel what happened. the thoughts just kind of waltz in, ruin my day, and then leave, and then my day is ruined and i’m frustrated because it wasn’t real that time and i’m letting it ruin my day.

and, i feel like, if i don’t let it ruin my life, then that makes what happened ok, because it’s fine now!!! it doesn’t matter what happened, because it’s not happening any more!!! like the crime never happened, because the evidence is eroded out. but it did happen. and until someone who was there fricking acknowledges that it happened it needs to stay right where it is and FESTER until it smells so bad they have to recognize it.

does that make me feel better? no. but justice. i can’t sit back and say “well, karma will get him someday,” because that’s super vague and probably won’t actually happen because good things always happen to bad people. even hitler wasn’t brought to justice. he just killed himself. and his family. he never had to sit and look at what he did.

it feels wrong to move on unless something changes, or the event becomes real.

things i see/hear/whatever aren’t real. i can’t ever be sure if i’m experiencing reality or not. someone else has to tell me they’re seeing the same thing for me to be sure it really happened.

it’s not even that i have hallucinations or anything. it’s just... my sense of reality is so skewed from people being nasty to me that i cannot tell if my memories are real or not. and i know some of them aren’t, because that’s just how brains are wired. some of my earliest childhood memories, even the really sharp ones like the kicking and the beating and the screaming, have details that i’m sure just aren’t true. like what color the walls were. what time of year it was. what the floor was made out of. how big mom actually was compared to me.

just like i can’t remember for sure if there were actually other people in the room or not with the craig stuff.

but if there weren’t other people there, then like half of my anger is totally fake. and that’s awful to think about.

and like... i could always just reaffirm to myself that everything i think is true. but not everything i think is true, that’s the nature of being alive and learning things and changing your understanding, and i can’t deliberately lie to myself. things aren’t ok.

and i feel like people who haven’t experienced that can’t understand how it feels. when someone else spends years ungluing your reality, you can’t really just stick it back on the wall. you can’t put your sense of reality back together without seeing the glue holding it there. and it’s so artificial that it’s just not the same as having real confidence. cracked mirrors still work, of course, but their functionality is irreparably changed. you become aware that you are looking in a mirror, and a damaged one at that. if you look in a regular mirror you just see your reflection. but with the cracked mirror, you see the glass that your reflection is coming from.

i don’t know how to reasonably convey this to my therapist during the span of a single check in... i don’t know how to say what i want to say, or what direction i would like to go in now, so i don’t bring up anything, and then i don’t get help, so i can’t figure out how to say what i want to say. cool.

should i just... print this out and hand it to her? that is alarmingly direct, and also risky, as i have to use dad’s computer to print everything. so the file will be on his computer unless i delete it and then suspiciously clear his printer history and also his recycle bin.

i mean, he’ll probably think it’s porn, but i don’t want him thinking that either!!!

and it could potentially take away from other group members’ time, because this is freakishly long already and i haven’t even gotten to my evening activities. i could give it to her during a break i guess.

after therapy i resolved to, well, resolve some of the communication issues i’m having with my family with the chores and the screaming. so i got a chore chart! and several different-colored markers for my family members to choose from. when i got home i explained it to mom. i think she is already not using it how i had hoped.

i also bought myself a chocolate mint mocha and too late i realized i had not specified that i wanted decaf. so i had the jitters for several hours after that. i tried to keep the explosion confined to asher’s chat window. i appreciate that he also sat through the mood crash afterward.

i saw the steven universe event. i have a soft spot for really mean, really insecure characters sometimes... i really want to talk to someone about it but i am Afraid of The Discourse. i have a lot of thoughts about pearl too but i don’t post them here because i don’t want... well, random people looking at my journal. even though it is public. i’m just not in a very good position right now to participate in huge discussions.

my favorites are of course the ones with the overblown egos. they are SO CONFIDENT. i wish i could believe in myself that much.

i gotta get up around 7:30 tomorrow to go get my hida scan. according to the google i can bring my ipod, thank god.

oh, that reminds me. i spent most of the morning talking to gilbert. we just chatted about whatever came up. harry potter, archie comments, the terrifying archie cartoon i saw when i was a wee babby. it scarred me for life. i was so scared of jughead, i swear to god.

(the humor/script was the real thing to be scared of. i watched an episode today. there ain’t nothing wrong with jughead.)

so i gotta try to sleep now. i’m gonna yell at my brother to shut the hell up when he plays league of legends so i can get some shuteye for once. i, of course, will then not be able to fall asleep anyway, because that’s just how it works.

i guess i should find a way to print that stuff i wrote out. there’s no way i’ll be able to say it in group. and i think i have gotten to some stuff that we might be able to work on instead of “angery” and “i hate everyone,” which are not things i can easily work with.

oh, the therapist’s recommendation for what i should do to get close to people again was “make a new friend.” i started grinding my teeth.

i neglected to download all the cool music i found over the last few weeks... i will have to find something else to listen to during my hours on the scanning table. maybe i can mash a few soundtracks together on the way over to the imaging department. i need to tell dad i don’t actually know how to get to the hospital.

anyway, later. i hope you guys are having a better time than i am. that’s not setting the bar very high though.

oh, one more thing. i neglected to do any therapy homework over the weekend. my reasoning was, “if i am incapable of working hard in a way that will be helpful to me, then why waste my time.” i mean, i don’t have anything else to do, but it is less frustrating to talk about music theory with an acquaintance than it is to “phone in” yet another therapy work sheet. i worded it better when i was talking to asher... it’s too late to go into that now. i need to try to rest. i got individual therapy tomorrow and i need to make the most use of that ~45 minutes that i can.

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