#also I just extra hate that it’s sullied part 1 for me

[colinfeatherington]

oh no reading all the bullet point reddit posts made me extra upset about polin again

[awellboiledicicle]

I feel like i've been writing Anders as kinda muted in the handers gate au so far and like. part of it is me being rusty at writing him, yeah.

but also he's back to trekking around with a group of randos held together by 1 charismatic leader, most of whom are probably going to die horribly if something isn't done. He's basically having two layer flashbacks to Amaranthine, because Justice watching the wardens wander around while doomed to die from the taint is basically what he's doing rn.

Only now its him AND Justice watching the group of probably condemned people wander around doing shit. They're helping, sure, but it's not long into the adventure before he and Hawke get to have the fun discussion of what he's going to do when Hawke turns into a monster. And Hawke will insist on considering it a when, not an if, because if they consider it an if, he won't be as willing to do what has to be done.

Which is not true. Anders might hate it, hate himself for it later, but he'd put Hawke out of his misery once the transformation hits. They're just hoping to put a stop on it before that. The real discussion is what Anders is going to do after and how many times Hawke can make him swear to the Maker and Andraste not to just kill himself once Hawke is gone. Because that would be the concern-- him hopping into a fade rift to come find him was basically dying with extra steps and they both know that.

Honestly the first night after they've gotten their bearings a little would be a "Ok, now excuse us a moment" and then the companions just hear a very badly hushed argument from Hawke's tent because what the fuck Anders. You could have died! And What the fuck Hawke, you basically tried to sacrifice yourself, what else was i supposed to do! Just back and forth and then Anders getting angry Justice takes Hawke's side bc it was an objectively stupid thing to try, but it wouldn't be the first impulsive action Anders took in a fit of despair. Justice also is kinda pissed at Hawke for swearing to return, only to have essentially have lied to them. But justice absolutely already laid into Hawke about it as they were escaping the nautaloid, because he can fight AND talk at the same time. That parts passed.

What the real sticking point is is that between the Chantry boom and leaving to research things, Hawke had done his damndest to convince Anders to live and continue because he still deserved to live. He deserved all the freedoms he was fighting for, whether he liked it or not. And they were in love and were going to grow old together. They promised that to one another when they exchanged rings before the end and wished they could have a normal wedding. Hawke had made him promise to live to see the day they could get a normal wedding, like he'd wanted. But then Hawke left and did some stupid heroic thing that even Varric thought had killed him. And Anders decided to either follow him or die trying, though the two of them know which outcome he actually expected.

Which is to say the argument ends in Hawke pulling him into a crushing hug and there's an unspoken acknowledgement that the tadpole is going to tear them apart if they can't find a cure. The actual convo about putting Hawke down and what to do after comes once they kill their way to Halsin and he can't help them. After the party, though. Hawke isn't going to sully possibly the last good party they'll ever go to with doom talk. That's a morning after topic of conversation.