#also I found a friend that had a crush on me as a 6th grader and I uhh had a crush on him too...

[kusuokisser]

oomf reblogged a bunch of aro stuff and in honor of pride hour (i made it the fuck up Dont ask me any questions i dont talk to paparazzi) i want to talk about MYYY experience being arospec because it is Isolating and even if this reaches literally no one id rather at least have tried to share my feelings. Spreading love! 💝

growing up i very quickly realized that i wasnt getting crushes like the other kids were. as early as second grade i started trying to force myself to like the boys in my class. id, like, look around the classroom at the start of every new school year and look for the next boy to have a "crush" on. It sounds kind of funny looking back but like i remember how desperate i felt doing it. i remember one year i genuinely hated every boy in my class with a burning passion and, if nothing else, i remember the feeling of being wrong. i, a 4th (maybe 3rd?) grader, felt isolated and gross because i couldnt force a crush for a year.

i had known none of the other ones were really crushes, but it wasnt the romance i wanted it was the connections. i wanted to be able to join the girls talking about their crushes and i wanted to have a reason to try talking to boys; i wanted to be liked.

in 6th grade i think was the first time i didnt try to force a crush. i dont remember much from that year but i know that i didnt feel good. youd think that, as an arospec, i would have enjoyed the break from faking romance but at that point i didnt understand that my feelings werent quite real. i knew they werent like everyone elses, but i really wanted them to be even if it meant lying a bit to myself on the way. i felt wrong and weird.

in seventh grade that was when covid hit and everyone was quarentined, and also that is the year that holds my worlds most obvious example of my aromanticism ever. genuinely think back to this and go "how didnt i figure it out sooner"

i convinced myself i had a crush on my at-the-time best friend. there was no crush by the way, i judt knew i liked him more than all my other friends and to my socially deprived brain that meant it had to be romantic right? well he didnt like me back and literally i went, watched like two YouTube videos on something or other, and was over it. because the feelings were never genuine. it was never love it was a desire to be close with someone

8th grade was the first time i actually fell in love. by then i had figured out im a lesbian, and i met this girl named Jane. She was literally everything you could want in a girl and i fell HARRDDDDDDD i was so in love dont even. but I found that my capacity to love her fluxuated. the love was always there, but some days it was more platonic than anything. sometimes thr platonic periods would stretch for weeks. sometimes it would switch between platonic and romantic multiple times a day. it confused me and honestly? it scared me a lot. i distanced myself from her and eventually we broke up (for seperate reasons but this def contributed)

that really messed with me because now i was left with two understandings: i can definitely experience romantic attraction, and the romantic attraction can change at the drop of a hat.

after a lott of time and research i finally realized and accepted that im aromanticflux (will go into detail if necessary) and you know what? it didn't make me feel better. if anything it made me feel worse; i felt like such an asshole for getting in a relationship if it was always going to end.

now i am. Still coming to terms with my identity but i am learning to love and be kind to myself. the point of this whole thing is. youre never alone. there are eight billion people on earth, at least one of them is going through the exact same thing as you right now. you are not any less of a person because of your attraction or lack thereof

[sizzlyybacon]

FIRST DAY, 9/4/2024, Part 1 (7th)

instead of the simple right turn that led our bus to our school we had to go AROUND the entire neighborhood and make a bunch of complex turns. we honestly thought the driver was kidnapping us to preach christianity to us or something because we stopped at an intersection next to a church for a while (honestly idk at that point it was the first thing i thought of 😭) i told elise that i had seen beckett at the store yesterday (beckett is a kid one year younger than us who elise made a joke about stalking and having a crush on and idk i'll explain later 😭😭) and she screamed "OMG BECKETT!!" as a joke but she forgot we were all surrounded by his FRIEND GROUP so she got the major side eye 😭 we played it off and said that beckett was an 8th grader from last year who was a freshman now. while we were still in our neighborhood we saw our friend cattelaya out the window and wondered if the bus skipped her. anyways, the bus was super full but we eventually made it to the school. the bus rolled to a halt and we stood up. the 6th grader in front of me, simon, also stood up. he literally only came up to my chest. i whispered to elise to people wouldn't hear "dang these kids are tiny 💀" and then she replied, VERY LOUDLY, "THEY'RE SO SHORT??" simon turned around and scrunched his face at us. 😬. elise changed the subject to when i fell down the bus stairs and kept yapping about how everyone saw. i knew they didn't, so we asked mae, and she was like "really? are you ok?" and then she proceeded to talk about how she was doing ballet. i told elise i was just doing push-ups (as a joke) and she said i couldn't even do push-ups. so we made a bet. we turned left on the sidewalk to go to the big field which was where we always met on the first day. we found our advisory teacher, ms. goodell and she smiled and high fived us and asked us about our summer. we had a new assistant teacher instead of teacher houston and he was super cool and talked with us too. i remembered him from last year when he came to our class on thursdays to observe ms. goodell's teaching so he could learn new strategies. we saw our friend imani who came running up to us too. and we also saw ariana, a girl from our soccer camp. she said she'd text me after school. a few minutes later, ms. goodell walked up to me and said we'd have a new student in our advisory. i asked what her name was and ms. goodell replied that it was esther. i recognized the name and asked for her last name. it turned out to be one of my old best friends from elementary who had transferred to a different school. awesome! we were dismissed from the field last. we made it to our homeroom classroom and i was assigned next to esther. i thought it was just a different esther with the same name, because she looked super different. i looked a bit closer and it was her. her voice had completely changed too, into sort of a valley girl tone. she didn't seem to remember me. ms. goodell asked who already knew her and me and finley raised our hands. she gave me a weird look. we got our schedules and had to write "Hello, my name is..." and "Pronouns:" namecards to stick on our shirts 😭. we all compared them and i ended up getting only a few classes with my friends. on the other hand, i got the EXACT same schedule as one of my old band mates, austin. when we saw each other over the periods, the hello turned into a hey which turned into a hi which turned into a wave which turned into a nod which turned into nothing 💀 here was the schedule i got 1. Band

2. Science

3. History

4. P.E.

5. Language Arts

6. Math

[harrypotterhogwartshitpost]

since i shit post here now, let's talk about times people thought i was attractive that i didn't realize until YEARS later

fun facts about me is that when i was in high school and completely undiagnosed- and was a high schooler- i hated myself because i thought everyone found me annoying and unattractive and a general nuisance. (somewhat true- i am very annoying, and i know that and accept that as part of my personality)

here are some times people thought i was attractive/like me (TW: sexual content)

---

one time i had to go to my younger brother's friend's birthday party when i was like seven, and they all had a crush on me because i was the only attractive girl who would interact with them (because i had to) and i think it was near valentine's day because the decorations/party favors felt pink/red. well after we get party favors one of them gave me a heart eraser and said "you know what hearts mean right?"

and i've only had a thing for two of my brother's friends- one i met like a year later i think at his own birthday party. and one like two years ago.

---

when i was in 4th grade some 6th graders moved in down the block. me and my brother were the only other kids in the neighborhood, and we had a trampoline. so they would come over and use the trampoline and stuff. and one of them tried fuck me

like it wasn't assault or anything b/c when i was like "nah dude" he stopped" but like- 4th grade... no one's attractive in 4th grade, also FOURTH FUCKING GRADE (for my non american followers, 4th grades are about 8/9 and 6th graders are like 10/11)

---

when i was in 5th grade my girl scout troop went on a field trip, and on the way back in the van we all rode in, one of the girls i was sitting with asked if i wanted to "pretend to be lesbians" and basically wanted me to finger her/to finger me

---

when i was on drumline i learned that the previous year two of the rookies in the grade behind me had a crush on me. in my school rookies started in 8th grade (12/13), and i was a year ahead of them.

like two years later is when i find out from other people on drumline that the two of them liked me.

this sucked because

one of them just gave off bad vibes. everyone knew he was really weird, in a bad way, and had a creepy reputation

the other one i ended up liking the year i found out he had like me. and i liked him through the rest of high school, but i didn't find out he liked me until he had moved on and was dating someone else.

---

when i was in like 9th-10th grade apparently all of my guy friends had a thing for me, but none of them told me until after we graduated

and i'm not sure if that actually LIKED me or if i was just the first girl in our friend group to get tits

which it doesn't matter because most of them i didn't like like that, and the one i did made out with me and tried to finger me and get me to touch his dick while he had a girlfriend- that i set him up with

but in all fairness his girlfriend made out with me too

imagine you go through high school and the entire time you were there you thought no one liked you and you were just annoying and not attractive and generally a nuisance

then graduate and like 90% of your guy friends are like "yeah you're hot and i used to have a crush on you"

---

my senior year when the band taking our group pictures, i was breaking dress code b/c we were in our bibbers (band overalls) and it's 98°F , feels like 110°F . and we're standing on pavement, getting ready to get on the metal bleachers for the pictures

so i'm chilling in just a sports bra under my bibbers, and i have the shoulder straps off. now the sports bra i had worn before under an unbuttoned hawiian shirt, and my band director complimented my outfit as a way of letting me know that even though it's technically out of dress code, i can still wear it.

i look up while we're still waiting on the pavement to take the picture, and my section leader is staring at my boobs. i look up and we make eye contact... he tried to deflect the attention from himself by yelling "peyton is staring at nicoles tits" . peyton (a rookie on drumline at the time) was also in fact, staring at my boobs.

---

after high school, not even two months into college i lost my virginity to one of the hottest guys i've ever seen- like damn, even my friends agreed- and i had no idea why this man was even willing to look in my direction, but apparently he thought i was very attractive

---

this is less dramatic

if you remember that exchange student i had a thing for when i was a junior, i was complaining to him (after he moved back home) about teenage boys. and he was like yeah teenage boys are the worst. and i was like why do that always 'this and that and treat me like this'

and he was like 'well you are a very attractive girl"

and where was the energy the entire ten months he was in america !!

i mean i guess he did kinda tell me that once in like a very subtle way- this girl said i was dressed like a whore (i was wearing a long sleeve shirt and shorts) and i was telling him about it and he was like "i think you look great"

---

so yeah this is a reminder to myself that people do in fact find me very attractive- and i was just too dumb to realize it.

[kireiwoo]

red, blue, my yellow. [jwy!]

˚➶. EXPO ↓

#𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 bestfriend!woo x fem!reader.

#𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭 in which woo is your teasing florist of a friend who can’t seem to pick between red and blue; so you add a third option for him, yellow!

#𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 bf2l, fluff, crack, blasphemy(?), animal death, cursing, 6th grader jokes, two dorks being oblivious, kissing <3

#𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 2.0k+

“Okay, so Sky Blue or Cherry Red?”

“What the fuck? Those are so contrasting.”

Wooyoung whined at your indecisive and absentminded response, leaning his head against your turquoise, sweater-clad shoulder while watching reruns of Scooby-Doo on your old TV. You sipped on the sugarless vanilla latte he purchased for you, relishing in the brief but welcomed warmth the drink radiated in waves. Wooyoung obsessively shoved two paint-cards into your face, gaggling over how bright and saturated they were.

He visited earlier with the guise of simply hanging out with you, claiming that while occupied with his 9-5 job downtown as an optimistic florist, he missed your company. Initially he picked the job because it sounded delicate and comprehensively easy. Objectively, the work was relatively standard; water the daffodils and make sure his small, secret rose garden he called ‘wonderland’ was receiving enough sunlight; but his back ached with hauling boxes filled with seeds and bags packed of faux soil.

“Why are you seriously no help?” He chirped. You grumbled in response, focusing on the graphics of the late television show rather than Wooyoung’s juvenile complaints. Your hair was an unkempt rat’s nest and your spongebob pyjama pants were ruffled considerably, but you allowed Wooyoung into your house regardless of your external appearance. You knew he wouldn’t judge you anyways, too occupied with picking a paint colour for his new apartment.

“How about Sunflower Yellow?” You calmly, dismissively suggested, taking another long swig from the now-empty pale brown paper cup before tossing it behind your couch. You’d clean it up later anyways, but for now you had a whiny best friend to deal with. “Dunno if you’re hard of hearing or colourblind but yellow wasn’t an option.” Wooyoung quipped, his eyes flashing with a teasingly stumped mirth.

“You and I both damn-well know who has the better hearing, and she’s lookin’ right at ya.” Wooyoung giggled at your pouty disposition, finding your blushed cheeks and deep eye-bags adorable. He sat casually against your couch, dressed in his own quirkily mismatched ensemble. A pair of khaki shorts accompanied by a dark green sweatshirt and multicoloured socks, his scuffed three-year-old tennis shoes laying by your door. You found it endearing how Wooyoung still tried to come up with his own fashion trends, ending up looking like a stitched together version of brand-name and value-village. But he was being expressive in the form of seasonal apparel, and you were proud of him.

“Byeol?” He teased, gesturing to your mangy, blue-eyed siamese feline as she sat back and observed your get-together, scattering away once the attention was on her. Wooyoung sighed.

“Look, you chubby-cheeked wench, just answer and I’ll leave you to sleep in your little cocoon of grandma blankets.” You huffed at his insinuation, plonking your deft fingers against his cheek softly and gently.

You met Wooyoung in third grade, when sex didn’t determine friendship and the bounds of society were turned away by your blind infant eyes.

You’d been retrieving wild bluebells and dandelions, bunching them in your sweaty grasp as a sort of dedicated bouquet, explaining to the boisterous boy that you needed to leave it as a parting gift to a squirrel you saw that got run over (you called him Tootles). Looking back, it was innately bizarre how indifferent you were to the concept of death, but Wooyoung supposes that it was a sweet thought anyways. From then on, the two of you blundered together—but part of the reason Wooyoung stayed was also because of his obvious attraction to your lopsided pigtails and thrifted summer dresses. He remembers that you always had a food stain somewhere on your clothing.

Now looking at you, still messy and even more vulgar, he can’t help but think that he doesn’t regret any moments. You’ve gone through everything together; Wooyoung was present for your first period when the stomach pain and hunger cramps were immense, and you were there when his family suffered through a rough patch, assuring him that everything would be okay when in reality, the decision of divorce between his parents was settled a week later. Those were some of his most difficult moments, but he can look back at them fondly only because it brought him closer to you.

“Wench? What are you saying? I’m a god.” You offered in the most dramatized tone you could.

“Might wanna get your facts checked,”

“Might wanna get your mom checked,” You snorted, biting your lip while procuring finger guns just for the hell of it. Wooyoung sighed in mock disappointment, his frizzy purple-tinted fringe falling onto his forehead. You grinned and giggled, catching his attention cutely.

Your whiny puppy rolled his eyes before wailing a cacophony of displeased sounds, loudly filtering his discontentment with having a plain apartment. “(Y/N) you don’t understand the seriousness of my situation! Who wants to tell their grandchildren that their first—that’s right, first!—apartment was a boring cream colour?!” Fed up with his childish bumbling, you quickly smacked his forehead, chuckling quietly as he squeaked and softened his stiff posture. It was honestly so lovable how he got so passionate about the smallest, almost insignificant things.

“Listen, we’ll figure something out. I still think Sunflower Yellow should be an option though.” Wooyoung swatted at your covered tummy with an overzealous and enthusiastic expression, clearly excited with the concept of letting you help him. The soft scent of peppermint-chamomile flooded into your nostrils from his clothing, making you mentally note to ask him what detergent he decided to try. “You think wrong, settler! Now choose between these two colours or I’ll be obligated to steal half of your lifespan.” You laughed loudly at the unprecedented silliness of your best friend, shaking your head while sending a fleeting but absolutely enamoured stare in his direction.

“Honestly, at this point why am I letting you help me?” He hummed. You gurgled at his feigned distress, gasping and tackling him against the couch. You straddled his waist, pointing a manicured figure at his face while you fondly cursed at him. “As I recall, Mr. Jung; you arrived to my residence at exactly 12:01 PM with the excuse to hang out, only to badger me with your issues about... paint colours. You came to me.” Wooyoung sat enthralled by your change in attitude, bathing in the flawlessness of your execution regarding exposing him for his wrongdoings.

“Just boom, bam, pow: There’s that dude I’m in love with.” Wooyoung’s eyes widened considerably, a snarky smirk falling across his countenance as his cheeks devilishly flushed, looking similar to that of a ripened strawberry. Immediately you backtracked, wondering what you said that provoked this reaction, and realization struck across your face like a sharp slap.

Oh shit. Shit.

“I-Uh—you didn’t hear that.” You waved shy but frantic hands into his face, as if hypnotizing him into forgetting about your embarrassingly personal confession. But all he did was giggle and take ahold of your wrists, pulling your body forward so you were chest to chest with him.

A soft, addictingly brief kiss was placed against your creased forehead, the perfect lips of your best friend brushing against your heated skin. You swallowed thickly, placing your hands over his sweater-clad chest with confusion written all over your face. What in the hell kind of reaction was this—? Whatever it was, it was warm and delicate and felt right.

Then again, there’s nothing that ever feels wrong when it comes to Jung Wooyoung. Or maybe that’s just you.

“Y’know, you’re not very... secretive.” He settled, making perplexities skip through your mind like stones on water. Had he known? Was this the end of your life-long friendship? Questions ran through your mind endlessly, your heart rapidly beating and mind berating you for admitting your tini-tiny, small-as-a-planet crush. “I had my suspicions but you actually saying it was my sweet confirmation.”

“The fuck? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I-I—Hey! Don’t be angry at me!” He pouted, melting your heart into a pile of mushy and fragmented puddles. “What I was trying to say is, I love you too.” Immediately your face blanched and you dropped your head into the crook of Wooyoung’s neck, appreciating the small dust of red that decorated his ears. You simply couldn’t face him in fear that this was all a simulation; a seemingly harmless gaffe constructed firstly to tease you, and knowing Wooyoung with his wildly oblivious tendencies and boyish lack of empathy, you had no doubt that it was something he would try.

And yet, you couldn’t even force yourself to be angry at him. Because while you speculated that he was joking, somewhere in your heart you knew that he was being honest—simply in denial with the prospect of your long-lasting crush actually returning your feelings. “Hello? Earth to (Y/N)? Airhead? Loafer?” You snapped out of your reverie, staring at Wooyoung’s pinked face as his prying eyes drifted around your facial features, slowly tracing each detail.

“You love me too?” Shock ever-present, you searched in Wooyoung’s loving gaze for some kind of testimony, a confirmation, for some truth to be shed. And when all you could see were the glimmering, almost glowing sparkles in his large pupils, you felt the slightest bit reassured.

“Of course I do, bean!”

“As a friend though, right?” Wooyoung’s face screwed into an intense concentration, expression looking fragile and breakable. But in his wandering mind, he questioned how you could even consider that. He loved you as something more—with your tangled tresses and wrinkled clothes, even down to the fact that you couldn’t handle sugar but grimaced every time you drank your vanilla lattes, simply because they weren’t sweet enough.

It was the little things that he found himself so affectionately obsessed with. He remembers your bleached sundresses in elementary and how you couldn’t tie your shoes without help from a teacher. How you loathed wearing glasses because you thought they made you look nerdy, but complained because you just couldn’t see.

“Jesus Christ, Loser. No, I love you like... like a crush! Yeah, like a crush. Romantically.” He gushed, and if this wasn’t one of the most immature confessional moments in history, it sure was a cheesy one.

“Wait, really? You like-like me?” Good god. Your fingers trembled and lips twitched.

“Yes, how many times do I—” Wooyoung breathed out a shaky sigh as you leaned forward and smoothly took his lips with your own. He tasted minty and sweet, like petals and chocolate. His eyes fluttered closed as your lips meshed together, pushing against each other in a romantic twine of burning passion.

Suddenly, your hands were on either side of his head and one of his deft, spidering hands pressed onto the small of your back. The other hand trailed up to the back of your neck, twirling the loose strands of hair at your nape, his tongue breaching the space between your lips invasively—but then he tried to card his fingers through your hair; and you hissed and pulled away like a disenchanted cat, baring your teeth from the unprecedented pain.

“Shit! Sorry, baby.” Whereas your head flooded with spiking pains from small hairs being plucked, your heart was palpitating at the new but definitely embraced pet-name. “I told you that you should’ve washed your hair! But someone doesn’t like listening!” You tutted at the nagging, harrumphing before placing another complacent kiss against his lips.

“Oh shut up, Mr. I can’t choose between red and blue.” You never thought you’d get the chance to tease Wooyoung after directly smooching him; it was a fantasy and a reoccurring fever dream to feel his plush, pillowed lips against your own. Perhaps a perverse imaginative scenario, but it was a reality now. And reality suddenly didn’t seem so harsh; crowded in the warm arms of a starry-eyed shortie with calloused hands and a knack for gardening.

“You’re right, I can’t. But it’s okay, I prefer yellow anyways.”

Who knows what awaits you in life? Maybe the sky will drain of it’s blue and the roses will deplete of their red—but no matter the changes and disparities that occur over the years, there’s always one thing that you’re forever sure of:

“You’re my yellow, Jung Wooyoung.”

🥽 all rights reserved © kireiwoo. do not : plagiarize, counterfeit, or translate, & thank you for reading <3!

[veiledsilver]

Top five moments you've felt like the universe was messing with you.

Oh boy everyone get ready this is a long list. In descending order, from mildly funny looking back on it to "oh god oh shit oh fuck":

5. Catfishing: College Edition

In 6th grade, I decided to apply to colleges early to see how they were like. I was scared that if they knew I was too young, they'd arrest me. So I created a gmail account as my persona, a white 12th grader named Emilie Alexander. Emilie was planning to go into nursing, dating a high school linebacker named Kyle Kenderson, and deathly allergic to bee stings. If she even came near a bee, she would die.

This part was of the utmost importance.

See, I was constantly paranoid that one day, the jig would be up- I might forget that my fake last name was Alexander. Or the college dean might come knocking at my door and tear up my home in his mad search for Emilie. If that happened I would fake her tragic death, presumably caused by one big fucking bee.

I secretly collected my information. What nearby states were the prettiest to visit. Which colleges were the safest and most affordable. How often they held courses that I liked. In my emails with colleges I tried to sound as mature and professional as possible.

Then, one day, a college member asked me what high school I was in, so they could check my records.

My blood froze.

It was time to bring out the bee.

In response to their question, I sent an email that was like this:

"Dear Mr. McLaughlin, I was a proud graduate of- ugh! Ah! Kyaaaa! Uwaa! W-w-what's this... huge goddamn bee doing here?! Eek, pardon my foul language! It's just that, as I told you earlier, being stung by a bee would kill me.... and now it's stung me thrice (three times)!!

What do I do?! I can't die... I've always wanted to attend your beautiful college...

But this is... the end...

Mr. McLaughlin...

*looks at you sadly*

Tell... my mother... I loved her...

*dies*"

He never responded, probably because he was rendered speechless, but I never touched that account again.

My private gmail for fun stuff like tumblr still has "Alexander" as a surname, though.

4. Wild and Authentic

Alright. Alright. So. My art teacher in middle school.

Right off the bat, they endeared themselves to the tumblr art kids- they proudly used they/them pronouns, dyed their hair vibrant colors, deeply encouraged OC creation, and was chill with any art style even if it was anime. Mx. Mason was very cool, except for one thing.

We had complete artistic freedom when it came to their assignments, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

Drumroll, please.

Take a deep breath if you must.

Ready?

...

Cats had to have extremely distinct whisker pores.

YES, they believed that modern depictions of cats were too streamlined. Too... idealized. As a cat owner themselves, they were convinced that society's vision of cats did not do their feral feline ancestors justice. In making their faces flawlessly smooth-furred, we were stripping the cat of its true nature.

I found this out the hard way, when I was drawing warrior cats fanart for class (it was of Firestar cuddled in the arms of an orange haired anime catgirl who was his reincarnation in my first ever comic series, Warriors Neko Desu! ♡ Heart Academy Dokidoki).

Mx. Mason came over to look at my magnum opus, and I expected them to have their socks knocked off at my artistic talent. They lifted up my drawing for all to see, and I smugly leaned back in my seat.

Only for them to launch into a passionate lecture about how, in neglecting to draw whisker pores on cats, I was DENYING THIS FICTIONAL CAT OF ITS WILD AUTHENTIC SELF.

My friends absolutely lost it when I told them this story, and there was a period of time when all our discord nicknames were wild and authentic too.

As for Firestar and his counterpart Hoshineko Orenji-chan, I never did give them wild authentic whisker holes, but that's to be expected of a kittypet, I guess.

3. Stan Jungkook Or Whatever

A couple years ago, my family and I flew to Seoul, South Korea, to visit our relatives and teach me more about my heritage. It was very nice! I got to visit shrines and festivals and palaces, and I was in awe that this was what my ancestors had once seen in their daily lives.

Then, when we went to the modern side of Korea, I realized just how much I didn't fit in.

It was clear that I didn't know how to act, or how to speak Korean, and I spent my days fumbling around and getting scammed multiple times by salesmen. But I clowned myself the most... during an interactive event with kpop stars.

They had this experimental event where holograms of the boys would sing onstage and dance in place of the actual idols. Before the show began, girls could stand in booths that scanned their appearances, and holograms of THEM could dance onstage with the hologram boys.

I didn't know this.

When Cousin Ae-cha told me to step inside one of the machines, I thought I'd be hilarious and stand backwards, so it would scan the back of me instead of my front. As I walked out, I saw other girls putting on their best makeup, cutest clothes, and most expensive accessories, and I slowly realized that I was in danger.

But the danger didn't come until halfway through the concert, where the boys looked eagerly off-stage and a holy staircase appeared and all the hologram girls descended from heaven. There were cherry blossoms. There were roses. There was me, among the crowd of beautiful airbrushed girls, walking backwards.

I felt the judgemental gazes of twenty girls and their mothers.

Each boy danced with a girl, who got a cute animated moment with special effects, and sang about how they found a dream girl to have a true love romance with. Finally, all the girls vanished except one, and it was me.

One of the boys didn't dance with any girls, and now he was all alone in the rain, feeling dejected that HE did not find his true love girl to have a dream romance with. Then the rain stopped, the sun came out, and I emerged. Still backwards.

He was thrilled and sang about how my face (that he didn't see) stole his heart, and now everyone in the audience was giggling, and he slowly brought me very close to kiss me... but because I was backwards, his nose was cutely nuzzling my hair.

The audience members- at least the adults- were now laughing their asses off. His lips met the back of my head, and together we vanished into the wind.

I'd say I couldn't show my face there ever again, but I never did show my face, so... hm...

2. Horrid Little Temptress

If I wasn't a minor, I'd need a drink before starting this story. Sadly, I cannot drown my sorrows- and neither should you after you hear this, because it's only fair.

Mrs. Appleby was my Spanish teacher in like, 9th grade. Even the wild and authentic art teacher thought she was insane. Appleby forced kids to brew tea for her and yelled at them when they didn't get it right, and I thought she had a chronic squint until I realised she just did that to mock me and my Asian eye-folds. She forced us to watch Dora the Explorer to "absorb knowledge." Everyone fucking hated Mrs. Appleby.

But the worst thing she ever did... was during the school festival.

See, whenever she's angry, she zooms right into kids' faces to scream at them. Her wrinkled flesh would blot out the goddamn sun and all you see are her bloodshot yellow eyeballs so victims just stayed rooted to the spot like cornered animals or something similar. This is important.

Because when she was sampling her own brownies (read: hoarding them so no one else could eat them), one parent foolishly decided to grab one and she thought it was a student and she grabbed his wrist so hard she could've nearly snapped it and... and... zoomed into his face.

Except she underestimated his height and kissed him by accident, but it was more like her mouth was sucking in his face like a vacuum.

His wife was shrieking like an ape. His kid, my classmate, saw his social life flash before his eyes.

In her defense, she did not mouth to mouth with him on purpose and afterwards she cried in the bathroom and when I foolishly followed her in to comfort her, because I am a teacher's pet through and through, she snatched the paper towels I got for her and wailed that she was a-

A-

HORRID LITTLE TEMPTRESS.

If I had decided to not be kind, I never would've heard that string of fucking words. But I did. And I paid for it dearly. The end.

1. Violence IS The Answer, Sometimes

Thomas, my dearly detested.

Back in sixth grade, I used to have a crush on him because he had the surfer boy look with nicely tanned skin and pale blond hair and the clearest aquamarine eyes I've ever seen. He also liked surfing and swimming. He seemed like the perfect little trophy waifu except for one absolute dealbreaker.

He and his parents were extremely conservative and so, when I told him I liked him, his response was basically "haha no you're a [slur] and would probably eat my dog."

I was horrified and ran away to cry. But then, by the next day, I decided I needed to punish him. Thomas walked in before class started and I was waiting for him with these hands. I kicked him so he doubled over, slammed his face into his chair's seat, and quickly clambered on top of him to SIT ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. He started shaking and twitching and trying to pry me off, but eventually he went limp and stopped moving.

I thought he fell asleep, but Mohammed, another classmate who was bullied by Thomas, told me that Thomas might never wake up again (not that he was very sad about this. I didn't know until later, but Thomas said slurs at him too).

While I was sitting on the guy, he'd straight up passed out from the lack of oxygen.

Screaming and crying, I told our homeroom teacher that Thomas suddenly fainted, and she was the type of Caucasian that thought all little Asian kids were sweet and innocent, so it didn't even cross her mind that? It might've been me? Who sat on his head when she walked in?

He was sent home early that day. I had to go to a different school next year because Thomas's mom threatened legal action. The only reason I didn't get punished further was because my rich cousins out-Karen'd her and donated a huge amount of money to the school to keep them quiet.

Anyway, I never did anything that insane ever again, because something like that is enough for a lifetime. My cousins made it clear they would never back me up again. I was sure this whole event would be put behind me, too.

But last fall, during my first day of online learning... who did I see in my zoom meeting... BUT THOMAS! I had my mic and camera off, but the moment he saw my name, his face went pale. His soul would've left his body, but then it would've gone to hell, so it wisely decided to stay inside.

Still, out of shame and embarrassment, I never turned my camera on for the rest of the school year.

[leebrontide]

A true, 30 year, tropetastic, queer love story. (Part 1)

Pls open the link if you'd like to read a 30 year, trope-tastic true queer romance featuring pining, instalove, swords, childhood-friends-to-lovers and a happy ending.

We THINK the story begins in 1991. We know it starts at theatre day-camp for kids, a summer when we were both in elementary school.

The earliest memories are vague- I remembered a super cool kid from the older class with dark eyes who I was desperate to eat lunch with every day.

It's taken us years to reconstruct the timeline. We have figured out I did go to her house outside of camp that first year, because I remember her bird that tried to bite me. We can only guess at years based on camp themes.

Because we were little kids. I was 7. So we lost touch.

But here's the thing- we kept going to the same camp. She was always in a class ahead of me, because I'm a year and a half younger.

And every year- apparently without remembering we'd met before? We became summer best friends. Drawn together over and over.

But, being disorganized kids in a world of lesser tech, every year, when camp ended, we lost phone numbers- we lived a good 30 minutes away from each other, so I have to imagine our parent's weren't exactly heartbroken at the loss. It was a lot of driving.

In 4th grade, when I was 9, I made a new best friend, named Meredith. My parents heartily recommended the summer theatre camp to hers, and she was sent with me, the next year.

She, was older than me, so she was in Ty's class. & having excellent taste, also made friends with her.

The three of us played together all summer.

Then came the fall, and the inevitable lost contact. I remember being sad about that much more clearly, that year.

BUT, the big change happened when I was 10.

Again, sent to camp. Again, my friend Meredith was there to.

At lunch, I found them playing together. I went to introduce myself to the obviously cool older girl.

For some reason I tried to shake her hand? Little weirdo.

Ty reacts to me the same way- oh hey! Cool new person! I want to be friends!

Meredith looks at us both like we're out of our minds.

"You know each other. We played all last summer."

And suddenly, the spell of childhood amnesia was broken.

I DID know her. We were FRIENDS.

We HAD BEEN FRIENDS for years.

She LIKED ME.

SHE LIKED ME.

(love with memory disabilities is a trip, folks. And her lil ADHD kid brain was struggling right alongside mine)

We were elated.

But that wasn't the last shock to my little 10 year old heart that 5 week summer camp would bring.

Meredith was, and is, a poet. Somehow she had a habit, at 11 years old, of making up poems about people's eyes.

Weird stuff. I remember a pair of green eyes being compared to a deep sea, were the bones of drunken drowned sailors floated.

Very Anne of Green Gables.

And- I remember this part with perfect clarity. She turned to me and said, do you know who has pretty eyes? Ty.

We were crossing the stage, Ty was carrying a box of props like 15 feet ahead of us.

I said "does she?"

And then, ever the romantic I screamed "HEY TY TURN AROUND I WANNA SEE SOMETHING!"

She did.

And for the first time, I looked into the dark eyes I'd been drawn to for all those years, and saw them anew.

There's a reason cupid's supposed to have arrows.

I swear to you that this is true. It felt like an actual blow to my chest. Like a physical blow.

I was stunned. My little heart was hammering out of control.

I have no idea what I said, or did, or looked like after that.

But I figured out pretty quickly what that was. It was not subtle, even to a prepubescent nearly 6th grader.

But I was a pragmatic little almost-6th-grader.

This was a crush. Middle schoolers have crushes.

And they're supposed to fade over time.

I don't remember if I was worried that my crush was on a girl. I just remember the certainty that this was just a child's crush, and therefor nothing that would last or cause problems.

And when fall came, I lost her number again.

But this time I was devastated.

But, this time a hero saved the day! Meredith, sweet, wonderful, more-organized-than-either-of-us Meredith, still had the number.

And this time, I held on to it.

We became year round besties.

For the first year of adoring her year-round, I didn't worry about my little crush. It'd go away in time.

By 7th grade, it started to be a problem.

We were having sleep overs, and I started to feel guilty about how much I wanted to look at her and cuddle her all the time.

I don't think I told anyone right away. But Meredith was always the smartest of us three.

She's the one who proposed we play "wedding". She presided over the ceremony herself, and her little sister was our wedding photographer.

Oddly, even though I didn't know about this photo till years later, this is a game both of us remember playing.

It meant... something.

Image

I started to feel guilty. We were having sleep overs, talking every day on the phone. I wanted to look at her all the time- I wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted to kiss her, and started to realize she might be bothered by that.

I never wanted to hide anything from her.

So, I confessed my love. I didn't think of this as being especially radical or brave, but in retrospect, I'm impressed by 12 year old Lee's behavior.

She smiled brightly, and said she loved me to!

As her best friend.

I clarified my position.

She repeated that she loved me as her very best friend.

And these feelings were a bit scary and BIG, so that was all good. She still wanted to hang out all the time. Life was good.

By 8th grade, I was starting to worry. The crush hadn't worn off yet. Everyone told me these things wore off.

But I was more in love with her than ever.

And when Meredith moved to Nashville, we got even closer.

We joined the MN sword club. Made new friends. In the way of these things, a whole lot of them turned out to be some evolving variety of queer. Friends started coming out.

I barely needed to, my crush was horrifyingly obvious to all our friends.

Image

I promised you swords. The swords don't feature prominently, but the club was a major connection for us for years, and this detail has always struck me.

I'm not an especially good fencer. Especially then. I was constructed out of raw spaghetti noodles and moved like creaky budget claymation most of the time. I was calculating, but slow.

She was fast, and brash, and more skilled than me. She eventually beat some nationally recognized fencers. We called her "fiery Tybalt" because we're a bunch of big ol nerds who wanted to sound smart. She eventually took her name from that nickname.

Even at only 5ft tall, she should have beaten me handily and reliably. She could hold her own against much better fencers.

But we actually got BANNED from sparring together, because we were so evenly matched we could never get enough points for a win.

My one and only expertise in fencing was knowing her. But she knew me just as well, so there was a stalemate.

Our friends laughed at us.

I confessed my love again in 8th grade.

And 9th.

10th.

11th.

I never wanted to lie to her. It was important to me that she knew what I was thinking and feeling, but it was also important that I not burden her with it.

She always gave me the same answer. She loved me. She loved me SO MUCH.

What a shame she was straight.

Now, readers, let me remind you we're looking at two queer kids in the 90s at this point.

There were pressures at play.

When I was in 11th grade, she left for college. And she was far enough away that long distance calls were expensive. I couldn't call her every day.

What I remember most about senior year was being depressed and lonely.

But also, that after years of my family despairing of my ever learning to type, and eventually getting me the (then very expensive) dragon speech-to-type program so I could type my homework and not fail school- my contact with her was suddenly all in text. AOL messenger.

People have commented at all my workplaces about my typing speed. I type 120 words per minute now.

Specifically because it was the only way to talk to her most days.

I went to college the following year. We both got boyfriends. Both nice boys who liked and admired us.

BOTH broke up with us because we so obviously preferred each other over them. To an embarrassing degree.

The boy I was dating- bless him he only lasted 3 months- specifically told me "if I go out with you any more I'm going to fall in love with you. And you're in love with her."

Slick bastard.

He was right tho.

I couldn't be mad at him.

But this is when I started to really panic.

It'd been 6 years. My first crush was still absolutely roaring. Nobody else came close to tempting me.

And nobody else wanted to, when it became obvious they couldn't compete with her.

And she was still my best friend, so of course I told her. I told her I was miserable, because I was going to be single forever because nobody else would want me, because I was so in love with her.

She felt bad. She loved me so much. So much she'd been dumped to.

Such a shame she was straight.

I wouldn't find out till much later that that conversation had started something on her side, that, for once, she knew to keep from me.

She spent the next 6 months in intense contemplation.

She DID prefer me to all the other boys (and girls) who were chasing her in college.

And there were a lot of them.

She did think I was pretty, and she did love me. And she did want to be with me forever.

She'd been as dedicated to me as I was to her through this whole time. As caring, as invested, as, frankly, obsessed. Everyone could see it.

But she wasn't straight. She was bi.

And ace.

We wouldn't learn that word for many more years. All she knew was that the story of falling in love didn't match the love she was feeling.

But then she realized- she'd never felt the feelings she was "supposed" to feel for her boyfriend, either. She was not more attracted to him than to me. And he was a good looking guy. A catch by most any standard.

And she also hadn't loved him.

But she did love me.

So, my sophomore year of college (her junior year), we were preparing our trip to the Renaissance festival. A bunch of her friends were driving into town for it, and we'd see each other again at last. (we'd been back at school like 2 weeks, so naturally were desperate to meet up)

I am still flabbergasted as the next series of events.

She asked me out. On AOL instant messenger. After over 7 years of my pining, and adoration. After 7 years of choosing the pain of being near her and not being able to kiss her, over the desolation of not having her beside me

She very logically explained her reasoning.

I had a meltdown.

My poor room mate walked into our room to find me crying and throwing things at the computer screen.

I was convinced she was offering to date me because she felt bad for me. Because she loved me and wanted me to stop hurting and feeling alone.

So I turned her down.

That, friends, was HARD. REALLY HARD.

Thankfully, she was having none of it. She insisted it only made sense for us to date. I tried to stay firm. I refused repeatedly, all in that damned AOL messenger.

We reached a compromise- one date, at the Ren Fest, as a test.

And if it failed we'd never speak of it again.

Because the prospect of dating and breaking up was terrifying to us both.

If we were going to be together, we'd be defacto engaged. Neither of us could tolerate breaking up.

The weekend came- my college friends all knew, and accompanied me, made sure I was decked out in the best fair garb we could cobble together.

She drove up with her friends- including the ex- who had no idea what was happening. She had on her finest cape & boots & a swishy dress.

We could not manage to be alone together. Like it was a proper rom-com ridiculousness. All damn day.

But at least we were together.

She came back to my dorm that night, to spend the night, and drive back the next day.

Shout out to my room mate who stayed at her boyfriend's house that night. Love you, Lindsay.

We finally managed to kiss.

She abruptly decided kissing wasn't some weird thing people only pretended to like because it was normal, and was in fact an amazing wonderful thing we should do frequently.

I don't actually remember us deciding that the experiment was successful, and we'd be a romantic couple from then on.

Pretty sure the kissing melted my brain.

It was not like kissing my old boyfriend at all.

She went back to college the next day.

I do remember, that, MORE THAN ONCE, I nervously asked my roomy if this had all really happened. I was truly and genuinely concerned that I'd dreamed or fantasized the whole thing. I'd done both enough times before.

I couldn't just ask outright so I'd say something like. "Hey did anything- important happen yesterday?"

And she'd look at me like I was speaking some alien language, and tell me I was dating Ty now.

I wandered around in a dream-like stupor for a WEEK.

This is a good place to stop for now. More tonight. I need to go snuggle my baby and help my wife with lunch. 💖

Popping in briefly for the next installment.

All our friends knew immediately. Some of them- the newer ones, were confused because they had assumed we were always dating, on account of how blatantly in love we were all the damn time.

We decided tho, to hold off on telling our families. We decided to date a year first, to show that it was serious, and that we meant it.

It was a good year, full of the kind of pining that is regularly rewarded by happy weekends and spring breaks and summers.

The next august, before we went back to school, we each sat down our own parents. Hers were sort of "yeah ok whatever." I was not there for that conversation.

I went to my favorite restaurant with my own parents, and told them I was seeing someone. Dad was enthused. Wanted to meet him.

Well. I said. You have.

Because it's Ty.

[yessoupy]

the @imetyouonljpodcast episode this week gave me lots of thoughts and feelings about star wars. more like, reminded me of all my thoughts and feelings around my first fandom. thus, I decided to write my own journey into and throughout star wars fandom, and what it means to me. buckle up, this story spans decades.

my very first memory of anything star wars-related is a yoda puppet that my grandmother had. it had to be from the original run of the movies, because I was maybe 4 in my first memory of it, and i was born in '86. my sisters and I loved it, and one of our cousins was deathly scared of it so we'd chase him around the house with it.

my second memory of star wars was going to the movie store with my dad and sisters and seeing our favorite yoda on the cover of a VHS. "yoda yoda yoda! daddy, it's yoda!!! can we get it?" we were holding up the display cover for return of the jedi. dad said no, we couldn't get that one yet because we had to watch them in order. so we rented a new hope and all I remember was falling asleep while artoo and threepio were trundling across the tatooine desert sands. at five I guess I was too young.

in early 1997 the special editions of the original trilogy were aired in theaters and I was in 4th grade. dad took us to see one of them (I think empire, at some point we'd finally finished a new hope). at school that grading period I sat next to a boy named mark and he noticed I was drawing little x-wing silhouettes on my paper. "you like star wars too?" he asked. when I said yes, he declared that because of my name, he was going to call me skywalker. that's the name on the back of my high school letter jacket.

in fall of 1998 I started the 6th grade and I came home from school one day to a hardbound book my mom had checked out for me from the library. heir to the empire by timothy zahn. mom pointed out where it said on the cover it was a trilogy, and I could get the other books when I finished this one. she hadn't found the young jedi knights series for me. she'd checked out a GROWN-UP star wars book.

in spring of 1999 the phantom menace came out and my parents' friend took me to see it on opening day because neither of them were free and I HAD to go that day. later on that year she took me to a star wars exhibit at the museum of fine arts. that was also the first time I saw a monet and a renoir. the exhibit had costumes (real costumes!!!) from the original trilogy and the newest prequel. I bought a book about the myth of star wars in the museum gift shop.

I read every expanded universe book our local library had, which was a lot. I had a lot to catch up on, too, since heir to the empire had been published in 1992. you never saw me at school without a star wars book. I read while walking in the hallways, even. in 6th grade I read during lunch, since I was in varsity orchestra with 7th and 8th graders and was terribly shy. they'd tell me I should socialize at lunch, not read my books, but... I wanted to read. I had a lot to learn. I have a lot to know.

I was in 7th grade when I read vector prime, the first in the new series. my first class of the day was science, and the boy I had a crush on was in that class. we had DEAR time at the beginning of that class - drop everything and read. not a hardship for me. that day, I read the part of the book where chewbacca was killed. I looked up, astonished. heartbroken. I locked eyes with the boy I liked. he nodded at the book and I showed him the cover. he nodded sympathetically. "they killed chewie," I whispered. he said "I know."

I wrote original characters in star wars fan fiction when I was about 13. I had an internet friend named rachel who lived in brisbane. then there was dave and 'roswell' who gave me ideas for my story. I loved being able to talk about the wide world of star wars with other people. we used aol instant messenger and email. my username in those days had 'skywalker' in it. I am pretty sure we met in an aol chatroom. I didn't find much of use on the official star wars site and I have probably visited it fewer than 10 times since 1999.

I read those books all through middle and high school. they were my christmas presents and my birthday presents. I moved into our family beach house after college. it sounds really nice but I didn't have running water because it was the summer after Ike hit. I would go to the used book store on 23rd street and buy a stack of star wars books and read them while I waiting for calls to interview for a teaching position. weekends I'd go into town to stay at a friend's house and help her with wedding stuff. I'd shower there, too. that's where my new stash of star wars books started, with me catching up on the legacy of the force series I hadn't read in college and then finishing up through the fate of the jedi as those came out. I felt that I had grown up with these characters. I remembered when kyp was just an orphan han rescued, when jacen and jaina were five years old, when corran horn had no wife, no kids, and was just finding out who his family was. I had capital o opinions about what color lightsaber i would have and why (silver; bc corran), I knew the geography of the galaxy and where everyone was from and my favorite planet was dathomir because women ruled it. I knew all of these characters' histories and motivations and the difficult decisions they'd made and had to live with. I loved them.

i never ventured into the online fandom space for star wars, even after I'd found other online fandom spaces, because I didn't feel like there was anything anyone could add to it for me. I was satisfied with all I'd gotten. sure, favorite characters had been killed (after chewie, the one who stung most was Mara, luke's wife), but people die. and in such a long-running series spanning so many years and trillions of miles of space... you come to expect it.

people would ask me ALL THE TIME when the sequels were coming out and I said never. then, disney bought star wars. initially I was excited (tears of joy happy) to have sequels confirmed. my mind raced, imagining a trilogy centered on the events surrounding jacen's descent to the dark side. the original actors would be the right age for that. who could play jacen?

then, the announcement came that the canon was now 'legends' and they wouldn't be taking any of it into account when writing the sequels BUT that didn't mean we wouldn't see old canon favorites. they announced adam driver as the villain and I thought "jacen." I held onto the idea that this knowledge I had, these years of knowing these stories, would still be worth something. that I'd be able to add new information to my mental bookshelves and maps. that my universe would expand further.

the force awakens was a bitter disappointment. I was upset from the crawl, leia's title making it clear to me that she wasn't chief of state, she wasn't the mother to three children, han wasn't her husband, and all of her history I'd grown to love really was gone. what I saw was the older version of a woman I'd met when she was 18 and hadn't seen her since her early twenties. I didn't know her.

I didn't know the galaxy, either. starting with the new jedi order series, a map of the galaxy was included in the front of each book with the planets named so you knew where everything was happening. the new galaxy was bare. it was small and knowable. while the hosnian prime system was destroyed in the movie, I'd never known it, and all the planets I DID know were similarly blasted out of memory. where was dathomir and its fierce warrior witches? if their planets were gone so were their people.

as the movie trudged on, a retelling of a new hope, I kept thinking, "at least let his name be jacen." I hung my hopes on this sith character being han and leia's son and sharing that name of the boy I'd known and the man who'd grown up to turn to the dark side. at that first shout of 'BEN!' I was angry. Ben?? that was the name of LUKE'S son! that was MARA'S child! Ben??? with three letters jacen solo and ben skywalker were also dead to the galaxy.

I know, I know. I should get over it. I AM thankful for poe dameron. the x-wing books were always my favorite. poe was familiar to me the way other new characters weren't. he was part of the new republic navy. I knew what that was. he flew an x-wing. I knew what that was.l and what company manufactured them. he was from yavin IV, I knew where that was and what it looked like. finn was a stormtrooper, yes, but the empire had not stolen children to be raised as stormtroopers. they were recruited like any other position. his story wasn't real to me, it wasn't something I could easily accept. and the idea that the new republic just LET the first order rise? leia's new republic would NEVER. but leia wasn't chief of state in this universe. leia hadn't had that power.

I read a lot of articles about the force awakens and the reactions to it, and never saw myself in any of them. the star wars fanboys whom I'd never known were painted as being angry because their fan knowledge was useless and "boo-hoo poor widdle fanboys" they would be mocked, rightfully. but that's why I was angry, ultimately. everyone I knew and loved was dead. worse, they'd never existed. "what do you think will happen?" some unsuspecting coworker would ask. I'd shrug, but inside I was yelling "who the fuck knows! my favorite characters don't exist anymore. nothing I know as this person you know as SKYWALKER means anything anymore."

it only got worse from there. One day I spent four hours figuring out how far the casino planet was from the drifting ships in the last jedi and doing math to figure out how long it would REALLY take to get there, using old canon star wars physics. I couldn't suspend my disbelief during that movie. everything was wrong. (the other space physics quibble I had was from TFA when poe is using comms while in hyperspace, and dropping out on a command and not... when nav told him to?? you'd fly right through a star!! were they HOVERING in hyperspace? none of it made sense.) I knew too much and too little to enjoy it.

TROS was a narrative mess already retconning new canon and I decided that I would only keep what I liked about the new canon (poe and his family) and pretend the old canon is all there is. one day I'll write the story of poe being part of the storied rogue squadron being sent by leia's new republic to put down the fascist upstarts at the edge of the unknown regions. one day.

one more quick story -- i met my college friend’s three kids for the first time when the oldest was 6. i’d sent a toy lightsaber as a gift when he was born, because i believe every child should get their first lightsaber from a skywalker, and his father had shown him the movies when he turned 4. when i walked into the house i said hello and he said, “i have some questions about star wars.”

we sat on the couch with the tfa visual dictionary, a book he’d gotten out of the library. every question he had was an excellent question, and i couldn’t answer any of them. “why does his lightsaber look like that? and why does he have the extra blades?” 

“well, kiddo, let’s see what it says here about how lightsabers are made. i used to know all about it, but they changed everything on me.”

---

what i love about star wars since disney bought it:

poe dameron, cassian andor (and all of rogue one, i got over the fact that the movie wouldn’t be about rogue squadron it was PERFECT), solo (a fucking DELIGHT), the mandalorian, and i’m sure the cassian andor live action will be amazing and i’ll love it. 

[subarashiet]

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

[mszegedy]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance: Days 17-26

This is a list of questions by @autie-jake (full list here), where you’re supposed to answer one per day for every day of April. I keep forgetting to do these daily, so here’s all the days since my last post. My last post is here.

April 17: Have you experienced ableism before? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Yes! Actually, it made my childhood so bad that my brain decided to forget it. So, clearly nothing to write about here.

April 18: Discuss how you felt when you felt when you first learnt you were autistic vs how you feel now.

I’m not good at the whole “remembering how I feel” thing. My memories of my feelings are all semantic memory. I know as a 6th grader I thought autism was super cool and I read a whole autobiography of an autistic savant because I wanted to find out more about it (Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammett). After a lot of intense research, I decided that I couldn’t conclusively self-diagnose, and regretfully slinked away back into not understanding or advocating for my needs. Sometime later, an actually autistic coworker of mine looked at me for like five (5) minutes, and was like, “Hey, have you been diagnosed with autism yet?” I’ve since adopted her as my second mom, for that and other reasons. I’ve had very few moments in my life when I was sad to have an autistic trait, and I got over it fairly quickly.

April 19: Talk about scripting. Is scripting something that you normally do? What kind of situations do you have a script for? Does it help you?

People don’t like my apologies, so I have a couple apology scripts saved. Otherwise I tend to just wing it and fail spectacularly. The apology scripts tend to sound… scripted, but they’re better than just doing it myself, I think.

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming?

Pressure stims are the most important stims for me. I’m more likely to be squeezing a part of my body than not. If nothing else, I can cross my legs tight and squeeze them together. This doesn’t have any specific function; it’s just something I do that makes me feel better. When I’m stressed, I do it more.

I also do motion stims. Often my way of locomotion is more like dancing. This is a little strange, because I don’t otherwise dance. I always feel happy, relaxed, and in control when I do that. When I’m sad or tired, my feet are too heavy for it. I am also very animate with my hands when I talk. When I taught English in Hungary for the first time, the first question I was asked whether all Americans talk with their hands as much as I do. (I don’t think they do. I have it on good authority from at least one American I trust utterly that the way I use my hands is rather unique.)

I have two improvised stim toys for pressure stimming (a scarf for wrapping very tight around limbs, and a butterknife for applying waves of uniform pressure). I also recently found one of those head scratchy thingies, and now I use it every five minutes or so. It’s a little inconvenient with headphones on, but I’m rather creative with it, anyway. I don’t actually like light touch or tickles, but generally the head scratchy thingy can be given enough pressure to provide a substantial stimulus.

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers

UM. HMM. Like 10-50% of the people I follow are autistic, but hell if I can remember any of their handles.

I reblog from @nonbinary-hawke and their native issues-related sideblog @finding-my-culture like multiple times a day but I’m pretty sure they kinda just tolerate me? I’m mostly cut off from the actual native community I’m supposed to be part of (the Siberian one), so I try to follow American native issues with kind of a “not my lane but I’m still sympathetic” vibe, and their blogs are most of my way of keeping in touch. But we have a lot of other random things in common too; similar age, similar neurotype, similar fandoms, etc. So I’m pretty much always gonna have a platonic tumblr crush on them, given that and how much I respect their principles.

@autisticadvocacy is ASAN’s official blog, I think, and it’s always posting useful and relevant articles.

@autisticjoy and @autismisaokay are two blogs I’ve followed for most of my time on tumblr. I get the majority of my autism-related content from them.

@autistic-noodle is the first autism-related blog I ever followed! I highly recommend her; if I haven’t unfollowed her after all this time, then that means that they’ve never reblogged anything that’s triggered me, which is pretty darn impressive.

@bogleech is my favorite webcomic artist, which is a vaunted honor coming from someone with ¾ of a special interest in webcomics. I’m not actually sure if he’s autistic, but he posts enough autism-related content to justify being on this list one way or another.

I’ve definitely learned at least one useful thing from @autisticlifehack. What was it? Who knows?

@autistic-flirting is very cute, if not very active.

Shout out to @tikibats and @dreamfriend, who I actually know IRL.

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand?

I’m, uh. Actually not sure? I can usually explain stuff if I think hard enough. There’s some stuff I’ve never bothered to figure out, but none of it’s so pressing that I can actually remember it.

Oh! Actually! One night during freshman year of college, I went to the computer lab to do my homework in a not-at-all-revealing bathrobe. I’ve received several explanations on why this was wrong, but I don’t remember any of them.

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they?

LOTS, wow. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have any shred of consistency whatsoever. I am nothing but these rules. Some of them feel more like strong opinions that can be taken or left, like the ones pertaining to writing style, but even those I follow 99% of the time. They range from really foundational moral ones like, “Everything with a mind intrinsically deserves your friendship and understanding,” and, “Every neurotype deserves to exist,” to, “Always wrap code to 80 columns (unless it’s highly nested like Lisp, in which case consider 100 columns),” and, “When mixing fruit flavor tea, always pour the syrup before the tea.” It’s quite the hodgepodge.

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel?

I haven’t had much of a chance to actually participate in any autistic community yet. I don’t even really participate in the tumblr autistic community. It’s just sorta me, my second mom, and a couple random people I get to see occasionally. (Also, my dad, but we don’t talk about my dad.) Most of my friends are neurodivergent in some way, though, so I’m happy with the people I have. (Not that I don’t enjoy hanging around neurotypical people, too. But it feels good to not have to work to make yourself be understood.)

April 25: Do you know any other autistic people off the internet? Is anyone else in your family autistic or are you the only one? Do you wish you knew more?

See yesterday’s answer! I wouldn’t do this if I were doing these day by day, but I’m totally justified here, because it’s literally the previous paragraph.

April 26: In what ways can allistic people better accommodate you and other autistic people? What would you consider helpful?

It’s a broad question. My mom has been getting better at not punishing me for my autistic traits, but the other day she still antagonized me for stimming at the dinner table. (I’m 22. Nearly 23.) So it’d be great if she didn’t do things like that. Not even gonna talk about what my dad could do better. (The ways he does accomodate me seem unintentional.)

Outside of that, I appreciate it when people give me very clearly-worded instructions, broken down into small steps, with every possible detail specified. I appreciate it even more when those instructions are in written form, because I can only remember two or three of those when they’re spoken aloud.

I appreciate it when food places with complex menus have the option to just sit down with the menu, without a time limit, and make up your order. Sandwich and wrap places, like Subway, make me very uncomfortable for reason; Subway has an extremely combinatorically complex menu, and you’re expected to make up your order while they’re making the sandwich. I’d like to spend some time staring at a sheet with each sandwich ingredient listed and explained, and the ways they can be combined, first.

The current switch to online classes has been great for my ability to understand lectures, and terrible for my ability to do classwork and homework. Hearing the lecture through headphones circumvents most of my auditory processing issues, and seeing the lecture slides clearly circumvents most of my attention issues. But when it comes to doing classwork and homework, executive dysfunction rules me. I do wish my executive dysfunction were better accomodated for even in the case of normal classes (and probably careers), but it’s hard to guess what form that would take. I’ve run out of brainpower for good ideas.

For the rest of the month I will do these questions daily, one at a time. Hopefully.

[morganisboringg]

Omegle friendship story ;-;

Stranger: m

You: hiya

You: f

Stranger: bonjour

You: hola

Stranger: im 18 bitchh

You: im 14 hoeee

Stranger: shidddd

Stranger: 😂😂

You: yeah im a childdd

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: but im not a creepy guy so ur good 👌🏼

Stranger: hahaha

You: yeah ie had a 20 year old try to keep talking with me

You: and a 17 yr old ask if i have a nice ass XD ive delt with creepy guys XD

Stranger: hahaha dudes are horny

Stranger: used to be like that too but i realized its wrong

Stranger: so yeah just vibing rn

Stranger: 😤😤😤

You: yeah they are, i be vibin too im watching sky high B)

Stranger: lol

Stranger: im watching rick&morty

Stranger: im the ultimate virgin

You: lmaoooooo , i mean u have to also like game theory and film theory for that but ur close XD

Stranger: never heard of that

Stranger: 😂

You: theyre nerdy yt channels, they make theorys on games and films and shows and stuff

You: they have a bunch on rick and morty

Stranger: oh

Stranger: i watch some of those

Stranger: 😤😂

Stranger: im an ���adult’ child

You: yeah i do too, i literally have their merch

Stranger: hahahaha

You: oh i hope to be an adult child bc gRosS adults

Stranger: yeah i dont wanna be an adult

You: me either, adults get stares when they only dress in hot topic clothes why would i want that

Stranger: hahahah yeah

Stranger: thats the reason i dont have a gf

Stranger: bc im too childish

You: well then u just havent found the right childish girl

Stranger: that is a fact

You: might i reccomend the single rider lines at like amusement parks XD

Stranger: hahaha why

You: ive seen plenty of dudes shoot there shot there bc the girls are by themselves then they get to ride a rollercoaster together

Stranger: hahah yeah thats fun

Stranger: maybe i wikk

Stranger: :)

You: yeah XD then if it works out a cute date at an amusement park!

Stranger: hahah yeah

Stranger: do u have a amusement park obsession

Stranger: lmaoo

You: uh- thats uniMPORTANTTT

Stranger: hahahhah

You: theres food and adreniline whats not to love!

Stranger: i love them too

Stranger: i once forced my cousin to ride the same coaster 12 times in a row

You: ive ridden king da ka the tallest rollercoaster in the world XD

Stranger: he puked after

You: lmaoooo sounds like smth id do

Stranger: hahaha

You: but then id just say again and go again XD

Stranger: hahahah same

Stranger: adter he threw up i went alone

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: dude i need some advice

You: sure

Stranger: my friends sister (shes 15) has a crush on me

Stranger: what do i do

You: oh shit uh- tell her shes too young

You: or like take her on a cute date but say its a friends date

You: thats a nice way to friend zone sm1

Stranger: yeah true

Stranger: its kinda weird

Stranger: my friend says he doesnt mind

Stranger: 😂

Stranger: but still wekrd

Stranger: weird

You: well thats uh getting to chris hansen levels so gotta shoot her down lmao

Stranger: yeah hahaha

You: but like yk when like a little sisters older siblings s/o would take them on a "date" to show them how to be treated u could do that- idk

Stranger: yeah idkk

Stranger: we shall see

You: we shall broski, just uh dont do anything that chris hansen would ask u to sit down with him over XD

Stranger: hahahah

Stranger: i have no idea who that is

Stranger: oh i looked it up

You: yeah XD

Stranger: lmao

Stranger: yeah like it is weird but not the age difference

Stranger: 3 years is not a lot

You: oh abt the friends sibling thing? XD

Stranger: ya

You: ik 3 years isnt alot in like the grand scheme of stuff but NOW 3 years is the difference between 6th graders and freshman and thats really weird

Stranger: yeah true true

You: and abt them being a friends sibling, um dont pull a kissing booth and be all dating behind everyones back- that movie was weird in general smh

Stranger: hahah

Stranger: yeah i wont

Stranger: his mom told me i would be a good son in law

You: LMAO too soon??

Stranger: 😂

Stranger: yeah right ilnow

You: 1) u arent even dating and 2) u think its weird

You: that would creep me tf out

Stranger: yeah but i dont really care

Stranger: i take it as a compliment

Stranger: it means im nice

You: yeah, im just a generally akward perso so XD

Stranger: hahahaha

You: but like uh if u dont wanna date a friends sibling dont, in most movies thats like number one best friend code no dating sibkings

Stranger: yeah i dont really care if my friend doesnt mins

Stranger: but i dont like her

Stranger: i like someone else

Stranger: and she doesnt like me back

Stranger: 🙃🙂

You: oh cool, aw that suckss u seem really chill and have a good personality so idk whats not to like thats prob my pansexual talking tho XD

Stranger: hahha

Stranger: ur attracted to pans?

Stranger: thanks lmao yeah idk

You: no i came out of the pantry smh

Stranger: 🤯🤯🤯🤯

You: common misconseption XD

Stranger: yeah shes my girl best friend

Stranger: so thats why she doesnt like me

Stranger: but maybe some daaaaaayv

You: oooo thats a hard place to get out of the f r i e n d z o n e

Stranger: ivee been tryyiiiiiiiing

Stranger: to make u love meeee

Stranger: but everything i try

You: *blasts u belong with me by taylor swift on a boombox* now go stand outside her window

Stranger: just takes you further from me

You: XD

Stranger: ghost town by kanye west is such a good song

You: oh i dont think ive listened to it lmao too much emo music and musicals

Stranger: you like kid cudi

You: who..? ugh i feel stupid not knowing stuff

Stranger: ur too young

Stranger: hes a legend

Stranger: makes good music u should listen to him

Stranger: kind of drug/depresion related

You: oh okay, that sounds like smth id listen too XD

Stranger: listen to love. by him on youtube or soundcloud

Stranger: it isnt on spotify

You: oh okay, i use amazon music like a loser XD

Stranger: oh

Stranger: yeah its only on yt or soundcloud lmao

Stranger: hahah doesnt matter right

You: yeah lmao

You: u wanna be friends? its ok to say no cause im 14 XD

You: im morgan btw whats ur name?

Stranger: hahaha aw thats a nice thing to ask

Stranger: but i just came on here to twlk to random people :( sorry

You: im not good at the whole "making friends" thing so idk what to do but ask lmao

Stranger: my name is julian

You: oh okay

Stranger: im sure u will make friends some day

You: OMG ofc its julian- i meet guys with m names or julius/julians never anything else

Stranger: hahaha what do y mean

You: i mean in the past week ive met a mike, mikey, and a mick then ive met like 4 julius' and 2 julians

Stranger: ahhaha wow

Stranger: thats funny

You: i swear idk what is up but smth is

You: my fbi agent is on smth ig

Stranger: hahahhahaha

Stranger: tryna set u up

You: yeah they want either an m&m or m j XD just m&ms or michael jackson IDFK XD

Stranger: haahahah

Stranger: so when did u find out u were pan sexual

You: uh when i was 11 i thinkk

Stranger: wow

Stranger: when i was 11 i was eating boogers out of my nose

You: yeah i knew i wasnt straight since like pre school girls are just too cute lmao

You: lmao thanks for sharing

Stranger: that is a facr

Stranger: women are cute

You: yeah they are XD

Stranger: hahaha

You: ummm idk what to talk abt now lol

Stranger: yeah me too lol

You: uh do u like heathers? like the movie or the musical

Stranger: never heard of it

You: REALLY??

You: my friends saying to skip u smh but i wouldnt dare

Stranger: what do u mean hahah

You: heathers is like a cult classic 80s movie like breakfast club or 16 candles or the outsiders

Stranger: ohh ok hahah

Stranger: i dont watch a lit of old movies

You: u know what those are right? especially the outsiders?

Stranger: only fiction

Stranger: never heard of them

You: U HAVENT???

You: OMG I SWEARR IF I KNEW U IRL ID LIKE FORCE U TO WATCH IT ITS THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD MMMMMMm

Stranger: whats sliced bread

Stranger: 😂😂😂😂

Stranger: i swear i dont watch movies

You: like a loaf of bread XD its an expression

Stranger: oh lolllll

You: but like look up dallas winston MMMMM I LOVE THAT MAN

Stranger: hahah ok

Stranger: this was a fun talk dude hahah

Stranger: i ahve to go eat rn

You: okay byee nice talk too bad we cant be friends i wish u luck <3

Stranger: were kind of stranger friends

Stranger: so count me as a friend

Stranger: :S

You: okay too bad after this we'll never talk again

You: S?

Stranger: idk lmao

Stranger: yeah but thats life

Stranger: byeee 😘

You: yeah it is byeeee

Stranger has disconnected.

[purplesurveys]

459

Ok I’m sorry but these name surveys have turned out to be loadsa fun for me so let me just take another one lmaooooo. 

I honestly find it therapeutic since it allows me to reflect and look back on all of the people I’ve crossed paths with before, whether for better or for worse :) Sorry if I’ll repeat names/explanations, I’ll do my best to remember more stuff about them!

aaron: Already mentioned this in the last survey, but he’s a part of my high school friend group. He was one of my first guy friends ever and he was very nice to me from the very beginning; always made sure I felt like I belonged in a crowd. Also studies in UP and I think he is taking up sports science because he wants to go on to med school. abby/abbey: This is my mom’s name. She goes by the first spelling. I know an Abby from high school; she studies in La Salle now. adam: I don’t know him personally but there used to be a dude from WhatCulture Wrestling (a popular YouTube channel) named Adam – he was my favorite to watch until he got caught in a major fuck-up and was booted from the group. adel adrienne ajee

ajla alan: I have an uncle named Allan. He was part of my dad’s friend group in college; they met each other in their org. He was in every birthday party when I was a kid, but I don’t see him anymore now because his family already migrated somewhere else. alex: Broad comm student who plays the guitar and sings well; I haven’t talked to her. I also knew an Alex from 6th grade and she was just...not a very bright student. She had to move because I don’t think her grades reached the standard in my school, and now I think she lives in California. If not there, then somewhere else in the States. Alex is a fairly common name here, though, and I know I’ve missed out on a bunch of other Alexes.

alexa: Again, another girl from high school. Was a cool girl and a party girl from the very start. Like I said in my past survey, she lives in Australia now. alexis alexzandria alicia: My friend Alliyah’s boss, who she has a huge crush on, is named Alicia but she goes by Alice. alisa allie/ally: Gossiping fake loser from our rival journ org who does nothing but spread black propaganda about our org to keep people from joining ours – when she talks to us, though, she’s super nice. I’m so fucking happy she’s graduating because she has such a toxic personality :(  allison: Former prof in Comm 100. Wasn’t very good but I had a crush on her from the very first lecture. She had a serious car accident in the middle of the sem and had to wear like a nose brace thing for the rest of the sem. alycea/alycia alyssa: I rode the school bus with a girl named Alyssa but I was much closer to her older sister Alex. There’s also an Alyssa from broad comm and I was classmates with her in my political science, history, and broad comm classes for this semester. She’s the niiiiiiiicest girl and would always help me out if I have missing notes or whatever. amanda: Girl from my org who’s taking up engineering. I was her VP last semester, but she had personal problems and so she wasn’t able to work much under me. Whenever she did, though, she was always reliable. Quiet girl, a little socially awkward. amari amber andrew: I first met him at a rally/protest I attended in 2017. Hit it off well right from the start because I saw that he was wearing a wrestling shirt, so we bonded over WWE that day. He plays the guitar and has released his own EP, is a junior DJ at one of the hip radio stations in Manila, and has done his fair share of hosting gigs. He used to take up engineering but shifted to journalism as he likes it better. Is very adventurous and amiable but tends to get too friendly; some might find it tiring but I honestly think it’s just his personality. He was my groupmate in communication research and I thought he was decent. angela: My best friend’s name is Angela. We first met each other in Grade 1 when we were 7, and we became friends after I stabbed her palm with a newly-sharpened pencil. She still has the pencil mark today. anna: Anna is a popular secondary name in the Philippines, but no one actually uses it as their main name. anne: Same with Anne. annie: My grandma’s best friend who used to come over the house every Sunday. Like I said in the past survey, I’m honestly not sure if she’s still alive lol. She was already pretty old when I was still very young. anthony aasad ashley: I *think* I have a distant cousin named Ashley that I first met at a family reunion last year. But let’s be real, Filipino families are huge and I don’t even know if I remember her name correctly, if she’s even an Ashley. aubri: One of my closest friends in high school was Aubrey. We were very, very close in junior year until she dropped a bomb on me that her family was migrating to California by the time we start senior year. We don’t talk anymore because of the distance and the timezones, but I’ll always be there for her no matter what. Incredibly talented dancer and figure skater. She’s in UCLA right now and as far as I know she is killing it over there. austin autumn: I know an Autumn from my wrestling fandom days. I think she was a redhead, but I don’t remember anything else. barbara becca: A girl from broad comm. She was one of the principal actors in one of the productions we did for BC and she has a really cute laugh. Super elegant; she reminded me a little bit of Audrey Hepburn because she was really graceful. She’s the older sister of my orgmate Rita, who’s from psych. ben beth bethany betty: I have a friend-ish named Bettina. Betty’s kind of like a goofy nickname; she actually doesn’t use it but I think it still counts. I’ve known her since first grade; she peed her skirt in our first day of Grade 1 and I remember her crying a lot. She had a wild TV show phase starting from Grade 5 and she was into Nicole Kidman, Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Stana Katic, Kate Walsh, etc etc etc and a bunch of shows like Private Practice, Grey’s Anatomy, Castle, Suits etc etc etc. She was super shy, very awkward in person so I’m glad her love of TV shows and actresses sprung her into life for the most part. She’s in UP Manila and I think too busy to get into fandoms now. bijan bobby bram brandon brandy breanna/brianna: Brianna is my friend Pat’s middle name. I honestly used to be so envious of this name of hers because I thought it sounded really nice, but now I think it kinda sounds like a bratty name hahaha. brendan brian: I have an uncle named Bryan, but we aren’t related. He’s my mom’s cousin’s husband. He’s VERY shy and likes to keep to himself or his kids at family gatherings but turns really cool when he’s had a little to drink. brittany/brittney/brittni brock brooke bruce buck cameron camille: Nice girl from my childhood school bus. There’s an unofficial norm in private schools in that when you’re older, you get to be mean to the younger kids. Not her. She was always nice and include us second graders in her antics in the bus, even though she was several years older. I was bummed when I found out they moved to the States. candy carina: I used to ride the school bus with a Carina but she was much younger. I was already in high school when she was in kindergarten. She’s the younger sister of Carissa, who I always found to be pretty weird. Anyway, these girls were clearly rich and pampered; they had a nanny ride with us in the bus. carly: I had an Internet friend named Carley; she was my first online best friend. We met here on Tumblr in like 2012 and got close because we were both huge fans of Stephanie McMahon at the time haha. We would video-call EVERY afternoon when I would come home from school while she would get ready for school (she’s from Pennsylvania). Eventually she’d disappear off the face of the earth and stopped talking to me but resurfaced a few months later. She’d continue to do this like 10 other times until I got tired of getting my hopes up of having her back. She’s tried reconnecting with me again on DMs but I just ignored it cos I knew there was a good chance she’d just cut off our communication again. We’re still Facebook friends and she’d pop up on my news feed from time to time, but that’s it. carol: I have a great-aunt named Carol. But my grandma has so many sisters that I honestly do not remember which one she is. carrie cassandra: I had a batchmate named Kassandra, who went by Kasey. Really bright, sweet, intelligent girl. She moved to Singapore in 7th grade. She was very, very simple and very kind to everyone and you wouldn’t be able to tell that she’s crazy rich. Her dad’s a top exec for a famous food and drink company and she lives in the same village I do–their house is guarded 24/7. cassidy chantel charlotta chelsie: Chelsea’s part of our high school friend group and is also crazy rich. We always hung out at her place because her house is huge. She’s very maarte, which I cannot really translate to English...the closest term is probably high maintenance hahaha; but she’s very sweet and generous and kind too. cheryl chris: One of Gabie’s best friend is a Kris. Other than liking outdoorsy stuff like going to the beach and hiking which is all I know about her, I think she’s also half-American. christopher: I have an uncle with this name but like I said his nickname is Perry. He works abroad like my dad (his brother-in-law) and my dad’s sister (his sister-in-law). cienna clare: Guidance counselor for several grade school levels. Understandably, she is very maternal. I once had a nasty fight with another girl and we had to be sent to her office. clarissa: Went to school with a Clarisa. We first met in Grade 4 because she rode my school bus, and instantly clicked. She was very nice, very sweet; she was simple to the point that, like Kasey, you’d have no clue how rich she was. She lives in a huge mansion now but she lived in a huge house before that as well, it’s crazy. Really, really sweet and she would give the best hugs. I played table tennis a lot with her in high school too. She studies in Miriam now but I’m not so sure about her course. claudia: Already said a lot about her in the last survey. Popular girl her whole life. She still goes to a bunch of parties but she is so much nicer now than she was when we were younger. cody cole collin corey corinne: One of my former teachers named her daughter Corinne. I think she’s 8 this year. courtney crissy: Chrissy was one of my very best friends in preschool and grade school. She looked Chinese even though she had a Filipino-sounding surname, and I was never sure if she had Chinese blood or not. She was boyish so she was very rowdy, liked to play rough, and punched other girls if she got pissed; but other than that she was very quiet and shy. She was constantly on the basketball team too. Eventually her family moved to Canada. crystal dallas dan danielle danika: An orgmate that worked under my committee two semesters ago. She’s from business ad and was juggling another org so she wasn’t very active at all to begin with. Her performance just plummeted every month and she ended up ghosting my org last semester–never replied to anyone when we tried to check up on her. I was very mad at her until she restarted contact with us recently and explained how tumultuous stuff suddenly got in her personal life and mental health that she had to take care of herself for a while, which we all understood immediately. She’s coming back to the org this year and we’re more than ready to welcome her. She’s very charming, goofy, and kind. She has a very life-of-the-party personality haha. danny: I have a friend-ish named Dani that I met through Angela. We all sat at the same table during the senior ball at Ateneo in 2016 so we got to talk then. She played volleyball in high school and she studies in San Beda now. She wants to take up law school so I think her course is in political science.  darious david: Pat’s boyfriend from Serbia and Patrice’s boyfriend from economics HAHAHAHA. Also a sucky groupmate from my comm res class who did absolutely nothing to contribute in the final paper that Hannah and I worked our asses so hard for. dean deanglo derrick destiny devin dillon donna dwayne [Random survey-taker note: these are all very Western names...] emie emily eric: My godfather is an Eric. Like my Tito Allan, he also met my dad through their college org. He’s an exec in a bank now and is suuuuuuper rich. Has a daughter named Arya which he could’ve named after the GoT character but am not really sure about that. everette felicia gabby: Wildly popular name. 1) My girlfriend’s name is Gabie; 2) there was another Gaby in my high school batch. 3) I have a friend from the Tumblr wrestling fandom named Gabbie who was really good in Photoshop – we study in the same school but have never met each other. 4) I have a high school batchmate whose little sister is a Gaby, annnnnddd I also just remembered that 5) there was another Gabbi in the wrestling fandom who also made good edits at the time. gerald gina guliana gloria: Do last names count? Hahaha. Gloria is the surname of my instructor in my class in international relations just this past sem. He’s a new faculty member but is craaaazy good at teaching; clearly knows what he’s talking about. He was passionate about his subject and I always admired that about him. I was really sad when class had to end. grace: I have a great-aunt named Grace; he’s my late grandpa’s sister. She’s really...quite fabulous; she has connections with super prestigious people and has a fancy wardrobe. She’s the only Filipino grandmother I know who goes by ‘Nana’ to her grandkids, which I note because Nana is like a super Western thing afaik. She has drama queen tendencies though and can be sensitive to a lot of things lmao. gracie hannah: One of the close friends I’ve made in college so far! Our first meeting was when she and Macy moved from UP Los Banos to the Diliman campus (where I study) and the three of us enrolled in our classes together. I was closer to Macy first, but eventually me and Hannah got a stronger friendship. Best groupmate, workmate, and David Archuleta fan I know. Sings great and plays the piano great. An absolute angel. hasan hawa hayley: I only know a dog named Hailey lol. heather: Someone from my high school batch is a Heather! We were never in the same cliques but she is one of the friendliest people I know. She knows how to talk to anyone which I appreciated. We bonded over One Direction in high school and she also confided in me a few times about her relationship and how her parents forbade her from seeing her boyfriend because he was trans. She also studies in my school now, taking up business economics. We barely see each other but say hi whenever we do. holly hunter ibro isaac isaiah jack jackie: One of my aunts has a relative named Jackie and I literally only found this out earlier when we met up and caught up with each other. jacob jacquelin jaden: A kid of my mom’s best friend is a Jaden. He was named after Jaden Smith because he was born during the time the Karate Kid remake made big waves. jake: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I had a garbage instructor with this name. This dude was in charge of my weekly crying binges and panic attacks because I was never sure if I was gonna pass his class. He seemed to enjoy giving all of us failing marks too which made me hate his piece of shit ass more. He’s supposed to be really good at what he does but I guess knowledge just does not always translate well in the classroom. Ended up passing his class, but now I’m cursing his ass forever. james: I have a younger cousin named James. I’ve only met him twice; once when he was a newborn, and then when he celebrated Christmas 2018 with us. His family’s lived in New Zealand and Vietnam since 2008, which is why we never get to see him, and why he does not remember me at all. janai janveia jared jason jay: My uncle is a Jay; he’s my mom’s brother. I disowned him as my uncle many years ago. He’s a terrible drunk, a disgusting smoker, and an annoying freeloader. I tried giving him a chance before, but after I found out that he drunkenly punched a cat once, I ignored him forever. Sometimes my mom and grandmother would ask me to acknowledge him at family gatherings, so I’d have to begrudingly do so; but other than that he’s out of my life. jazmine: There was a Jasmin from my old school. She’d always been very artistic and she was into K-Pop very early on. She’s taking up linguistics in my school now. jeana jeanette jen: Girl from the now-ancient Tumblr wrestling fandom. She’s probably the biggest and most passionate wrestling fan I know as she would follow both the mainstream and indie promotions the last time I checked up on her. She was kinda vain and kept on taking selfies while captioning each one as ‘ugly.’ I remember that she has a dog she really loves, and that she lives in Boston. jeralyn jerry jesse jessica: Meh, annoying girl from high school. I’m sure she’s nice(?) but her personality just didn’t click with me. She was too vibrant and too friendly that it almost seemed fake; but what do I know, I never really made the effort to know her better other than bonding over 1D here and there. jim jocelyn jodi: I know a Jodee from my old school. Spoke straight English, is intelligent, but is a huge goofball and very mischievous/rebellious. She was a smartass and liked testing the teachers’ patience whenever she can, but she always did it in a very funny way I think. She was often called to the guidance counselor’s office for having relationships with other students (I went to a Catholic all-girls’ private school, so this was obviously not allowed) but she always stood her ground about it and was never afraid to fight back. She had a phase of unhooking our bras in like 5th grade. joey: My blockmate has a younger sister named Joey. I think she is also studying in UP. john: The cousin I’m closest to is named John, but it’s not his preferred name. jonathan jordan josh: I know two Joshes, but only because they are boyfriends of a couple of acquaintances. jossie julia julie junior justin: I went to school with a girl who initially went by Justinn, but like she all wanted to start calling her by her other name, Ria, as we grew older. I also briefly rode the school bus with a girl named Justine, but we didn’t talk much. kailyn kaitlyn kaleb: Chelsea’s brother is named Caleb. kali karrie karli kasey: Oh, I guess Kasey (under Cassandra) falls under this too lmao. kasahwn katarina: Not exact, but Katrina’s a fairly popular name where I live. My cousin’s boyfriend is named Katrina, my aunt is a Katrina (but she goes by Bianca), and I also went to school with a Katrina even though her nickname is Cheenie. kate: Already talked about this in the last name survey. I met Kate through my org; she’s a huge joker/goofball, is naturally very friendly, and has an awesome wardrobe. When she’s bored and we both aren’t doing anything, she puts makeup on me. Works very well but is also a huge partier HAHAHAHA. katie: This is my nickname for Kate, if that counts. kayla: There’s a Kayla in my college, but her course is in broad(cast) comm(unication). I remember her very well because she is the first person I EVER talked to when we had our freshman orientation in UP. We didn’t become close after that. She’s pretty, has nice clothes and hair, is part of the popular circle, and she’s part of streetdance which is like one of the cooler orgs on campus. kelli kent: I have a younger cousin who’s a Kent. We used to be close when we were both kids, but now we’re shy towards each other. He was obsessed with dinosaurs when he was younger, like 5 or 6. kerna kevin kiana: I have an orgmate named Kiana! SOOOOO pretty and has like the clearest skin. Very simple and down-to-earth. Is nice but can kick your ass because she has a black belt in taekwondo. She’s smart as hell and I’m pretty sure she’s graduating as magna cum laude, besides the fact that she’s going to UP Law right after. kiley kim: I also have an orgmate named Kim :) He’s the sweetest guy ever, and is just so easy to talk to. He has a really cute relationship with one of the org’s alumni. I didn’t get to bond with him much but am sad all the same that he’s graduating this year :( kimberly: Went to my old school with a Kimberly but she went by Kim. Was one of the rougher, lesser-behaved kids. She was a demon in grade school. Not quite sure how she’s doing now. She’s my friend on Facebook but can’t really care less about her life updates. kirsten kristy kyle: Kyelle is a kinda good friend of mine. He’s from the same circle, but we aren’t close in particular. He’s very nice though, very silly and likes to goof around. laila lain: I used to have an orgmate named Laine. She was our VP for External Affairs two years ago. She’s now in law school. leah: Cheenie’s mom is a Lea. She’s probably the best mom friend my mom made from my school hahaha; she’s known me since I was 4. lexi: I have a high school batchmate named Alexa but I think she goes by Lexi, judging from her Twitter name. Is naturally quiet but gets very friendly when you get her to open up. Easy to talk to. liam: Liam is my youngest cousin, I think. He was born in 2014 or 2015. I’ve never seen him, because he and his family lives in New York. I’ve only ever met his big sister. :( lilly: This girl I was classmates with for a journ elective. I found her to be verrrrry pretty and she had the biggest, most piercing eyes; until I found out that she was one of those die-hard Catholics who are vehemently pro-life. She once defended a fraternity whose members were confirmed to be misogynist, sexist, racist, homophobic and transphobic pieces of shit in a leaked groupchat simply because she believes in ‘forgiveness.’ She caused another ruckus two weeks ago when she made known her pro-life views well known. I wanna unfriend her ass so bad but she just keeps making all the wrong opinions that I just wanna stay and watch her get schooled by my less-than-thrilled college mates hahaha. lina liz: If I remember correctly, there was an Elizabeth from my wrestling fandom who went by Liz. She lives somewhere in the UK, had reddish hair, and was in love with John Cena lmao. She would sometimes make edits too. loren: Other than the Lauren I mentioned in the previous survey, I also had a friend named Lauren from the Tumblr wrestling community too. She was one of the first friends I made. She was two years older than me, fancied Andy Samberg earlier than anyone else, had a cool room, was obsessed with cats, and loved tie-dye stuff. lydia lyndsey lynnette macaila mack: JM’s dad goes by Mackey, if that counts hahahaha. He’s a lawyer and a college professor. mckenzi macey: I went to high school with a Macy and now she’s in college with me too. She used to study in UPLB but moved to Diliman after a year, since she always planned to take up journalism (she didn’t pass the cutoff initially, so she had to stay in LB for a year before she moved). I was very close with her throughout high school, but idk, she’s just never been in a good place mentally so our friendship is very up-down-up-down. I tried to reconnect when we were reunited in college, but she’s found her crowd now so I’m happy for her nonetheless.

There’s also a Macy in my org who worked under my committee for a year before she moved to finance. Quiet girl but was always nice to everyone. She’s also graduating this semester :( maddie madison margo: Went to elementary school with a Margo but she preferred to spell it as Margauxe lmao. We became close for a while because we rode the school bus together and she would lend me the other half of her earbuds so we can listen to Ashley Tisdale’s Headstong and Vanessa Hudgens’ V every day (this was when High School Musical was peak popular). She sort of had a tumultuous family life here until she moved to Hawaii a few years ago. I think she may have moved to California now too. maria: Again, this is like the base name for like half of all Filipina girls. It’s so common that it’s just simply shortened to ‘Ma.’ because everyone knows what it stands for. marina marisa: Kayla’s middle name is Marissa. marquis mary: Macy’s first name is Mary. mathew: I know a bunch of Matthews from both high school and college but they all go by Matt. The one I remember the most is Matthew from another high school friend group who was close with my group. Our group was invited to their Christmas party, and they had a gimmick that each member of their group was gonna be paired with someone from ours, and it was gonna be a costume party. I was paired up with Matthew (but they called him Cho), but I never went to the party so I never got to meet him. I’m sure he’s nice, though. matt: See Mathew. maura mechelle: I have an orgmate named Michelle. She’s clumsy, kinda awkward, but she does it in a very cute way and we all love her because she’s so funny haha. She passed the toughest med school program in the COUNTRY but chose journ in the end. Is the most Chinese Chinese-Filipino girl I know. megan: I know someone whose middle name is Megan but she goes by a different name. melissa: Hahahahaha. I knew a Melissa all right. Freeloader. meredith mersadies micah: I was classmates and friends with a Micah in grade school. My parents and hers were close, so we became close too. She was very smart but I remember her to be deathly afraid of walking on beams when we had to do it in PE. She moved schools in the fifth grade, and she studies in UST now. michael: His full name is Michael, but Mike is a guy I almost went out with in high school. Wasn’t really attracted to him, but he’s like super smart so it was a huge plus point for me lol. I also have an orgmate named Michael but we all call him Elis. He’s unreliable. miranda: If surnames count, Gabie’s best friend’s last name is this haha. molly monica: Some girl who went to my old school but transferred schools early on, like in 2nd or 3rd grade. She was Gabie’s childhood friend though so I still hear from her from time to time. She’s in UP now too, but I don’t know what course she’s taking. morgan nashid natasha: I went to high school with a girl named Natasha, but she goes by Tashie. Huge girl and a beast at softball. Can be a big softie but she has weird mood swings too (and when she’s mad, she’s quite violent) so I just tried not to piss her off while we were still in school together lol. nate: Yeah he’s in the same college as me but I know zilch about him other than he’s supposed to be really good in making films. nathan neema nichole: Annoying younger busmate who graduated high school this year. nick: Nick is the codename I gave to one of my first crushes. Obviously not his legit name so I don’t think this counts. nicholas olivia paige preasia preme prisilla: When I was still applying for AIESEC, Priscilla was assigned as one of my groupmates. I was originally iffy because she didn’t get online to work until like 11 PM, but when I did see her start working, she was a GODDAMN BEAST. Amazing. Did everything I assigned to her. When I met her in person the next day, she spoke very well and was very put-together. My respect for her soared even more after that. I dropped my application soon after for unrelated reasons but it was a pleasure working with her. Last I heard, she’s a councilor-elect in her local college’s student council. rachel: My math teacher in Grade 1 was a Rachel. I don’t remember her at all, except for the fact that when she found our class noisy one day, she completely stopped talking and mimed everything for the rest of the 45-minute period. raheim raven: Creepy, weird dude from my org who’s always looking for a dick to suck. I’m not even trying to insult him, he’s just perpetually thirsty and makes sure the whole world knows it for some reason. ray renee: Sweet, intelligent, hilarious girl from my high school. She’s very makwela, which in English means zany/funny. Her dad is a national basketball coach so it’s no surprise she followed in his footsteps. richard riley rita: Sweet, sweet girl from my org. We all just kinda naturally flock to protect her from bad influences or creepy people because she just has such a sweet soul. She’s my successor VP in my committee. robby: I have an Uncle Rob, but he doesn’t go by Robby. He’s the husband of my aunt (my mom’s cousin). He’s from New Zealand and has a Masters or a PhD in film theory, I don’t actually remember which. ryan: I used to see him a lot at a relative’s house until I was like 8. I’ve never seen him since and don’t actually know how he’s related to us or me lmfao. sabrina samantha: I have a younger cousin named Samantha. Sam was born and raised in New York but visited the Philippines last year and I was primarily in charge of taking care of her. She’s just the cutest darling I’ve seen and has the most perfect accent ahuhuhuhuhuhu. She likes My Little Pony. sara sarica sean: Someone from a lower batch in high school has this name. I never knew her but we follow each other on Twitter loooooool. secilia seliena: My older cousin’s first name is Selina but she goes by her second name, Bianca or Bia for short. We were inseperable as kids but we grew shyer as we grew older :( shannon shauna: Gabie’s orgmate. That’s all I know. She liked my tweets in the past but that’s the most contact we’ve made. shayna shelby sherry seirra skylar spencer steven stevey susan: I have an Aunt Susan. She took care of me my whole childhood; fed me, gave me baths, all that stuff when my mom was too busy with work. She got run over by a hit-and-run motorcycle when I was 9 and she was never the same after. She was crankier and had violent outbursts. tamara: I went to school with a Tamara; her nickname was Tammy. She was a gentle giant; like she was a naturally big girl but was very soft-spoken and SUPER shy. We got close for a while in 4th grade but her paths differed not long after. tashryha taylor tayshaun terrell tiffany: I had a batchmate named Tiffany. She was kinda mean in grade school but got nicer as we got older. I never really got the chance to know her well. tori trevor trisha: Another high school batchmate. All I remember was that she would cheat on tests by changing her wrong answers when the teachers would give our results back so they could correct it for her. Also a big Justin Bieber fan lol. trista tylik vanessa: There was a Vanessa in an older HS batch but she went by Via; she just graduated college yesterday but that’s all I know. There’s also a Vanessa in my sister’s HS batch; she’s half-German and that’s also all I know. victoria: Some girl I had a class with was named Victoria but it’s her middle name; we all called her Kristine. wally will wyatt zach: Another guy from the wrestling group I was in. He was one of the older dudes so I was more scared of him than the rest. zachary: Same answer as Zach. I think this was his whole name. zoey

[thatonegirljessy99]

Gongjunim (1/2)

Summary: You fall for Yoongi. Only problem? Your Namjoon’s little sister. Oops lol

Requested?: Yes! By @soulpunker58

Word count: +3.2K

Warning:Teasing, Fluff??

A/N: I AM SO APRRY I HAVEN'T POSTED ANY WRITING! I'VE HAD MAJOR WRITERS BLOCK BUT I PROMISE THE NEXT PART OF LONGING TO FEEL LOVE IS COMING THIS WEEK! I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS! Also, credit to whoever created this gif. Sorry I don't know who made it. Anyways enjoy!

He had your mind spinning as he cupped your cheek sweetly and kissed you softly under the tree outside your house. His lips were so soft making butterflies burst into a frenzy in your stomach.

“I love you so much princess...”

“Oppa... I was so scared you wouldn’t feel the same way and I would make things...”

“Weird?”

“Yeah,” a giggle escaped your lips as you looked up at his grinning face before turning towards the darkness of the night hearing something.

“Y/N!”

“Present!” you scream standing up before being pulled back down to your seat.

The class busted into laughter as you looked around embarrassed, biting your lip awkwardly as your best friend sighed behind you.

‘Second time this week… fuck’

“I know Miss Kim, nice of you to remind me that. But I was asking if you could solve the problem on the board. If you aren’t paying attention I can always deduct participation p-“

Before the professor could even finish his sentence, your eyes were already scanning the board to analyze the problem and solve it faster than what most students could in the class.

‘Deduct participation points my ass’

“5i over 7 minus 4i would have the top and bottom multiplied by 7 plus 4i leaving the new equation for the denominator to be 49 plus 28i minus 28i plus 16. Once simplifying the denominator, you would have 35i minus 20 over 65 which would turn into 35i over 65 minus 20 over 65. So, you final answer in standard form would be negative 4 over 13 plus 7 over 13i.”

The class fell silent as they looked at your professor work out the problem on the board only to find you were right, as per usual. You were the youngest person in the class, math having always been your strong suite, and you were the only student that was known to have to switch classes when it came to math. Normally it would just be the teachers switching classes, but you had to go up stairs to the advance senior classes when it came time. Currently you were taking college algebra with a professor that loved to call out anyone he thought wasn’t paying attention. Which was you most of the time, but that is not the point right now.

“That is correct… please just look at the board next time Miss Kim. Or at the very least please take notes,” the older man sighed going back to teaching his lesson to the rest of the class.

-

“You are by far the biggest queen of bullshit I have ever met in the history of this school,” Sunny laughed as you guys walked out of the class and headed to the lunch room,” You were so far gone and yet you were able to make him shut up for the second time this week. I think you could set a school record for how many times you just bullshit your way through class. Now tell me what you keep day dreaming about. And I will not except anything less than the full story.”

“Honestly, it's some cheesy shit that you would see on one of out dramas. It’s me outside of my house with some guy that calls me-”

“Princess! Hey! How's my favorite girl?” a voice from behind you called out before you felt a long arm wrap around your waist to pull you close to his side.

A chill ran down your spine when you looked up to be met with that signature gummy bear smile that made your heart melt in a second. By now you would think you would be use to it from how often you saw this smile, but nope!

“Oppa! Aish! Stop it! Your being embarrassing!” you blushed pulling away from your brothers' best friend.

You’re not sure when your little school girl crush started for him but sometime during middle school you started to feel your cheeks heat up whenever the tall boy looked at you for too long or gave you a compliment out of the blue. Which for you came more often that you needed it to. Especially around a certain someone you should be blushing around.

“Tch, why do you have to be so mean to oppa. I’ve called you that since you were a baby,” Yoongi smirked letting go of you and bowed towards your best friend,” I remember calling that loser Bambi from how much she tripped in dance class.”

Sunny rolled her eyes and pulled Yoongi down to her height by the ear as she glared into his soul. In hindsight Yoongi would be smart enough to know not to say something like that to a girl like Sunny. But of course, he wasn’t, and now you were here.

“Mmm, don’t forget lover boy, I might be short but I’m still your senior one year and am top of the dance department on the girls end. So! Unless you’re my Hope, don’t ever fucking bring up my dancing again, got it Min Yoongi!” Sunny practically hissed through her forced smile at the cold face of Yoongi who was trying his best to not show exactly how scared or in pain he was.

Normally you would have understood if someone would have said that she was over reacting, but as students at the Conservatory for the Fine Arts of Seoul, Sunny had earned the right to be snippy with anyone that had something to say about her dancing. Just to get into this school was mission impossible but to stay in the school was a whole other level of stress. All the students here were considered the future of their industries respectively. Sunny was number one in the girl's department of dance, number two in the whole department. But that changed every other term since she and Hoseok interchanged spots whenever testing came around.

But the friendly competition didn’t hurt their relationship. Only Yoongi who didn’t know when to shut his mouth.

“Hey! Hands off the best friend,” your brothers voice boomed from behind the three of us as we got to the lunch line making me grown just from pure instinct.

Oh look, that person you definitely should not be blushing around!

“Oh, calm down, he can still use his other ear to hear his voice crack mid-way through a song,” she smirked letting go of Yoongi's ear finally.

Seeing Yoongi get ready to say something to her, your hand went to his wrist catching his attention as you smiled shyly at him making his cheeks flush before looking away as he rubbed his ear and walked over to your brother.

“Mmm, if only you could see how whipped you have him. I don’t think I have J-Hope wrapped that tightly around my pinky,” Sunny snickered in a low voice handing you a tray before starting to serve herself some food,” imagine if Rap Monster found out that his little sister had his best friend completely brainwashed.”

“Shut up.. It's not like that between us. I’ve known him before either of us got into the conservatory. He’s like a brother to me,” you started, feeling your cheeks begin to flush as you scooped rice into your bowl and covering it with chicken curry.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save that for someone who believes it,” Sunny chuckled waving off your denial as she turned to smile at you,” but no one would ever believe either of you if they saw you two together, ma cherry.”

A deep sigh escaped you lips as you looked at your friend with a smile of pure amusement.

“Ma chérie... please remind me never to practice my French on you,” you laughed wrapping an arm around your best friend as you two walked to your usual round table.

As you two sat down you were quickly joined by Hoseok and Yoongi, both of them having two soda cans on their trays. Of course, then being followed by Namjoon who sat between Sunny and Yoongi.

“So how are my favorite girls?” Hoseok grinned as he placed a soda can down in front of Sunny, pecking her lips sweetly before taking a seat and winking at you.

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t start flirting on my girl in front of me,” Sunny glared playfully at the bunny faced boy, elbowing him softly before beginning to eat the kimchi she had served herself too much of on purpose.

“Can both of you losers not hit on my little sister, please? I don’t need her being corrupted by you two weirdos,” Namjoon rolled his eyes while taking a long drink, Yoongi looking at you kindly before handing you the extra soda can he had brought to the table.

Smiling at Yoongi, you took the can and opened it before giving a side glance at Namjoon. It was not the first time he had made this type of comment, nor would it be the last as far as everyone could tell. To Namjoon you were still that 6th grader that was auditioning to get into the same school as him. You are the girl that goes from school straight to your house and practiced and did your homework and you have only one friend. Or at least that was probably what he thought as since he didn’t know about the times you went out to a few house parties here and there.

“Wow, you got her a drink and not me?” your brothers voice snapped you out of your small trance you had not noticed you had fallen into.

“Aish, Namjoon! Leave him alone. He’s just being nice. Unlike you, Yoongi actually cares about your little sister. You should be nicer to her. Poor thing is going to die single if your keep being such a helicopter parent,” Sunny snorted feeding Hoseok who nodded as he chewed through his mouth full of kimchi.

“Mm thanks for that kind reminder of my lonely impending death,” you grumbled getting a spoonful of rice and curry into your mouth.

Yoongi chuckled rubbing your back as you slouched forward not wanting to talk about your relationship statue. Or lack thereof relationship.

-

The rest of the day went by as ordinarily as it got. You went to your music classes, vocal performance, music theory, piano practice, dance practice, and your advanced classes, later waiting at the front gate to go home with Namjoon.

By now it was seven in the afternoon, many students still being inside studying and doing class work. It was a long school day but that was the price all of you were willing to pay in order to be the best of the best. After all, there was a reason why you had chosen to sell out your childhood for a shot at being a star.

As you waited, leaning against the wall, you couldn’t help but groan when you over heard a small group of girls that was in your dance class gossiping and giggling as they walked past you on their way home. All you could hear them talking about was the new kid in your class, Jungkook. Or as all the girls had begun to call him, Kookie. Why? Because “that Kookie could be my snack.” Gross. So fucking gross. Yeah sure he was a pretty good dancer, and your new partner for this first quarter, but it never ceased to disgust you how quickly girls in her class could fall for a guy just for his looks.

From: RM

Forgot to tell you I had a study group after school. You can head home or come to the library if you want to wait for me

Looking down at your phone as it went off, you quickly typed an answer just so he knew you had seen his message before letting a small sigh escaping your lips.

You start making your way down the street towards your shared apartment a few blocks down from the school looking up at the sky. It was funny to you how you basically never got to see the sun during the week anymore. Well you and all of the other student that lived in your district. Many of the students from the conservatory lived within the same area because the school didn’t provide dorms and many of the students came from many different parts of South Korea just to be a part of this place.

As you made your way up the stairs that lead to your building you noticed some fluffy mint locks that had been the result of someone buying the wrong hair dye and a blue and yellow jacket you were used to seeing in your house.

“Yo, yo, yo, Agust D,” your yelled running up to Yoongi and bumping him with your shoulder playfully making the guy readjust his glasses, "What up homie?”

Realizing who it was and what you had just said, Yoongi's face looked pained as he laughed and turned to look at you in amusement. After seeing you do this some many times you would think that he would be used to this cringy act but he was pretty sure he would never stop dying inside when you tried to act like what you thought a rapper acted like.

“Gongjunim, how about we make deal and you never do that ever again,” he laughed shaking your hair with his hand to mess with your hair, knowing you would just swat your hand at him to stop.

“Aw, but I’m just trying to be as cool as Agust D,” You chuckled fixing your bag on your shoulder before getting it taken from you by Yoongi as you two walked side by side up the road.

“You know I hate being called that right?” he asked giving you a side smile as he rolled his eyes,” if you're going to call me anything other than my name call me Suga. You know I like that a lot more when you call me Suga.”

“But all the girls at school call you it. ‘Oh, Agust D is so cute’ ‘no he’s sexy’ ‘have you seen his body roll, I literally die’. Oh, and my absolute favorite ‘have you heard his voice? I bet he could say some nasty things while he makes me forget my name',” you said mimicking the girls you had hear saying throughout the school on a normal basis.

“Oh, come on gongjunim. You know I wouldn’t have eyes for any of those girls. They love Agust D, I want someone who loves Yoongi,” he chuckled looking up to the sky only to feel a water droplet fall on his now,” hey why don’t we go into my house and you can have a drink with me.”

“Fine but let me just text Namjoon that I’m going to be out.”

“Mmm was he expecting you home?”

Shaking your head, no you two began to run up the rest of the stairs where there was a small building entry as rain began to pour over you. Quickly rushing into his living room as soon as he opened the front door, you both laughed at how soaked you had gotten in the short span of time and how both of you now looked like a mess. It wasn‘t the first time you two got caught in the rain but it had been a while so the feeling of running through it together brought back old memories of when you were both younger.

“How long has it been since we danced in the rain?” his voice chimed as he looked at the door and then back at you with a soft smile.

“Remember the dance from Trouble Maker I did for my audition?” You asked leaning back against the wall.

“Yeah, that was three years ago.”

“That was the last time I danced in the rain,” you mused looking down at the water spots on your shirt from running through the rain,” I have to dance it again with some guy from my performance class in two weeks.“

“Some guy? I heard that you got partnered up with Jungkook-“

“Please don’t remind me. Every girl is crazy about him in my year and we’re all two years older than him,” You groaned rolling your eyes before looking over at Yoongi,” Don’t you just love how the conservatory has high school and college students all in the same place.“

“You know they do it based on your level. And you only have one year left before you get to audition in front of all the companies and pray that you make it big, but until you get to join me on stage lets change into some dry clothing before you get sick in that outfit,” he chuckled placing a hand on the small of your back, leading you back to his bedroom.

“Shhh, what your brother doesn‘t know won’t kill him princess,” a smooth voice cooed into your ear as you giggled nodding.

His hands had been all over you as you two danced against each other and now he was leading you back to another room. It wasn‘t long before you got inside the room that your back was slammed against the wall, his lips on your neck, your hand in his hair. He was like a damn drug and you couldn’t seem to get enough.

“How the hell is it that you act like a child when I change in front of you, but I have never seen you bat an eye when those girls from your year flirt with you wearing practically nothing,” you smirk leaning against Yoomgi after downing your shot of soju.

You two had gone through three bottles of sake by now and you had gone from sitting across from Yoongi to almost sitting on his lap from how close you two were. Yoongi's arm was around your shoulder as he chuckles and shakes his head putting a finger your chin to make you look up at him.

“Damn you and that stupid smile,” he chuckled causing you pout as his smile widened at you.

“Y/N, you’re always dressing so cute to school, how am I supposed to see you as anything other than pure,” he teased poking the tip of your nose only making you frown.

“I’m not pure oppa... In fact, I can show you exactly how much I have changed since we were kids,” you whisper as you straddle his lap and moved his hands to your hips,” those dance classes are good for more than just dancing on stage.”

Biting his lip, Yoongi can’t help but check you out as you begin to move against him, grinding your hips onto him only causing his hands to begin to explore under the oversized shirt you had on.

“You’re my best friends' little sister... this is so wrong,” Yoongi hummed closing his eyes as you begin to kiss his neck, making him groan slightly as he felt your teeth graze the skin right below his ear and then pull on his earlobe.

“You’re not stopping me...” your voice cooed into his ear before a knock on the door interrupted your moment.

“Yoongi! Y/A-ah! It’s pouring out here! Let me in!”

“But that is...”

[celest-94]

Another dose of unhealthy journaling from back then:

“You look at me in such a different way than I expected. You talk to me so openly and respectfully. You joke around with me and smile so sweetly. It makes me feel sick that I look at you these ways but you make it so hard. When you raise your arms to teach the class breathing exercises and all I can do is watch as your shirt rides up to show your slim body. The way you hold yourself when you’re thinking or how you crouch down to talk to people. You laugh, joke, encourage, smile, and work so hard. I’m falling a little too fast but for some reason I really don’t care at the moment. Maybe if you didn’t get so close to me and talk to me the way you do I’d be fine. You don’t talk at me but with me...you teach me to become a better player and human. Please don’t leave like the rest of them do.”

If this didn’t scream needs help to you idk what does haha. It was definitely the beginnings of my crush on him. He began to ask me to do a lot of tasks for him or to stay after class to ask me something. I already stayed after school a lot for clubs, musicals, practices, and just to avoid going home so I spent many evenings with him in the band room. I began to also help student teach his 7th period 6th graders as well alongside my best friend. After my friend would leave for the day, D and I would sit and talk anything and everything. It was nice to have a friend to talk to. He would ask me to help him with carrying things to and from the separate band rooms that we had. He started to stand closer to me now, he was extremely smiley and kind. I thought that he was handsome.

I felt like I was learning a lot of good information from him about music education and just life stuff in general. He was very knowledgeable about music and his love for it was very attractive.

Looking back now, I shouldn’t have been asked as much as I was to stay after class with him. Helping him was fine but I would spend countless hours after school with him doing whatever he found for us to do together. My friend would stay with me often but there were still those nights where he would have to leave and it’d just be us there.

[swartzee]

Get to know me better

The rules: Tag 15 People you want to get to know.

I got tagged by @pilotsandpaladins

Name: my real name is Kim but I've actually been enjoying being called Blue. It's makes me feel like an anime character

Gender: cis female

Star Sign: Gemini!

Height: 5' 4" 

Sexuality: Bisexual, demiromantic

Lock Screen Image: bi flag coloured smoke with a triangle in the middle

Ever had a crush on a teacher?: .......N O......

Where do you see yourself in ten years?: oh jeez... a job at marvel studios would be nice like as an editor or something. I also want an apartment with a fiancé and lots of cats and a dog for protection.

If you can go anywhere in the world, where would you go?: Cat island, Japan (idk what it's actually called :/)

Coolest Halloween Costume?: I caught a ghost on tape where my friend was a ghost and I followed her around with tape attached to her.... I was also a ceiling fan my freshman year (like a fan of the ceiling)

Favorite 90′s Show?: Friends

Last kiss: My cat Chewbacca/Chewie (I've posted pics of him before)

Have you ever been stood up?: nope 

Have you ever been to Las Vegas?:nope

Favorite shoes?: My flip flops

Favorite Fruit?: lemons!!!!!!!!!!!! 🍋🍋🍋🍋

Favorite Book?: Nimona and All Out: the no longer secret stories of queer teens throughout the ages (yes I had to put the entire title fuck you)

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done?: at my middle school, we had this pep assembly and at the end we had this contest to see who could sing the school fight song the best (it was between the three grades there: 6th 7th 8th). Us 8th graders won and we all ran down the bleachers to touch the winner stick thing (even though we weren't supposed to). I tripped when I reached the floor and kids started JUMPING and STEPPING on me. A teacher who was clearing the crowd found me on my back and picked me up and took me out of the crowd. At the time my mom was a special ed helper at the middle school and she ran down the 6th graders' bleachers and took me into the girls locker room to see what kind of injuries I had and to comfort me etc. My leg was scrapped and I had a foot shaped abrasion on my side but i was ok. So yeah. That was the time I almost died trying to touch a stick.

@sunsbi @somcha-i @officialmemekinglotor @officialredlion @officialmemekinglance @demi-fool @officialyellowlion @officialgalrankeith @oceanlights @officialmemegremlinpidge @angst-in-space @officialblacklion @the-official-matt-holt @officialmemelordkeith @theofficialmemelordmatt

[fruit-teeth]

The truth about my middle school years

You know what I haven’t thought about in awhile? What middle school and high school feel like. I’ve been in college for only a year and I already forgot what it feels like to have to ASK to use the bathroom and to need to have a hall pass, because in college if you have to use the bathroom you just get up and leave the room!!! What a concept!!!

So yeah, once again, I’m bored and I’m gonna talk about my life. Are you ready to learn about the bleakness of American pre teen/teenager’s life???? Of course you are

5th grade: Not quite sure if this counts as middle school in some places, but it does for the school I went to. I went to a conservative, private Christian school where classes were combined and my fifth grade class was merged with the sixth grade class. The sixth graders were the “cool kids”, and they hated all the fifth graders except me. Every morning before class started, the 6th graders would demand that I entertain them, and this led to me performing inappropriate pop songs and scenes from intense movies/shows by myself, and yes, this DID create my love for performing in shows.

I also had a cool writing teacher who adored everything I wrote and constantly praised the dumb comics I drew and the short stories I wrote, and that was when I decided I wanted to write all the time. All the while, I had a best friend who did everything with me and came to my house every Friday afternoon, where we would play with barbies and watch Power Puff Girls. It was a great year, but alas, it came to an end.

6th grade: shit got dark. My best friend dropped out of school so her mom could homeschool her, and even though the new 5th graders loved me, the people in my own grade thought I was annoying. I made friends with an angsty new girl who I’ll only called ‘Kira’ for this, and Kira was a rebel. Therefore, to impress Kira, i became a rebel as well, and my angst was born.

I had a new writing teacher who hated me, and i purposefully went out of my way to make her angry. Specially, she hated it when I drew in my class notebook (“This is WRITING class, not DRAWING class, Mara!!”), so I retailiated by drawing ridiculously busty women throughout my notebook. She didn’t say anything at first, but after a few weeks, she pulled me aside privately and told me that drawing those pictures wasn’t very ‘Christian’ of me. She then made me throw out my notebook and then gave me a new one.

7th grade: Things got better, and yet worse at the same time, if that’s possible. I was still friends with Kira, only something was different- I realized, not only that I wasn’t straight, but that I had a crush on her. This was bad because a) half the people at our school were homophobic, and b) she had a crush on the biggest douchebag in our class. They eventually ended up dating, although I have no idea why because he hated her and she knew he was a dick.

To make up for this, I swallowed the feelings I had for Kira and started ‘dating’ (there’s a reason this word is in quotes) a guy I’m only going to refer to as Jughead Joe. Jughead Joe was basically the epitome of those dark, brooding, misunderstood boys that appear in Anime, only he wasn’t cool. He was also extremely bigoted and a jerk, but I acted like I didn’t notice and hung on his arm anyway.

Stuff started to get weird as the year came to a close, and it all ended at a summer pool party. Jughead Joe and I played Xbox inside, and out of nowhere, he told me he wanted to have sex. When I said no, he said, “oh, come on. No one else wants you.” I didn’t know how to react so I poured my soda on his lap and ran outside, where I called my mom while hiding in a bush. I haven’t spoken to Jughead Joe since.

8th grade: THIS was when my world got flipped over. I switched schools, and I ended up at a dreary public middle school. The beginning of the year was just lonely, terrifying and confusing, but somehow I got out alive. Not unlike Hilary Duff in ‘Cadet Kelly’, there were tears and angst, but I eventually learned to adapt. However, I did not do a ribbon dance at the end of the year, although I wish I had...

At the same time, I had a DeviantART account where I posted my Invader Zim fan art and fanfiction. It was all fun and games until I pissed off the wrong edgelord, but that’s a story for another time.

The highlight of the year was when I finally found a group of friends who actually liked me, and we had a spa day for my birthday. Afterwards, we went to the mall and bought Build-a-Bears and ate overpriced mozzarella sticks. It was a beautiful day in my history, and I finally felt accepted and appreciated.

And then freshman year happened, which I’ll talk about in another post.

That’s all the tea I’m willing to spill for now, everybody! It’s depressing, it’s probably a little exaggerated, it’s probably wearing too much eyeshadow, but you know what??? It’s me. I shouldn’t deny the fact that I was the class clown, the rebel, the weird new girl, and Cadet Kelly all at different points in my life. And if I’m being honest, i don’t regret any of it. Except Jughead Joe.

[saturnsovereign]

all the numbers

aight, i got nothing else to do. i’ll try to keep them less than a paragraph short tho. 

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.First, I’d have to decide my overall favorite movie, but I don’t have a Favorite ya know. But if I had to pick some, my default answer is Beauty and the Beast and Treasure Planet. I don’t really remember watching Beauty and the Beast but I do know that I loved their soundtrack. Treasure Planet, I’d seen some clips on youtube and one of them made me cry so I thought I’d check it out and man I loved it bc of the adventure and space and pirates. :D

2: Talk about your first kiss.My first kiss happened the summer of my Sophomore-Junior year of HS and its what set up the drama for Junior year. Anyway, confused feelings had been in place beforehand and I had gotten with and broke-up with my ex-bf in a little more than a month due to conflicting feelings that I realized during our band trip to Disneyland. Fast forward a few months, my friend confessed her feelings for me first over text, and I said I felt the same way. She invites me to her birthday party which was a sleepover. Once everybody fell asleep I kissed her on the cheek and I thought that would be it, but she pulled me back for a kiss on the lips… and then we had a makeout session for like the whole night. Then a few weeks pass and she dumps me. :/ What made it worse was that she held it over me for the rest of the school year since we were on the same team together. 

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.This one is easily my girlfriend. I’ve told the story about the prank and our fake dating shenanigans, but lord I fell for her so hard. I have a thing about touch, and I don’t really like it when people touch me all the time or without permission. But with her man.. her hugs–I’m shorter than her so she basically envelopes me and like I still think back to the first day I came back after That Day which was band camp weekend but man that was a good hug and we weren’t even dating yet. Sorry, I digress, but I found her so much easier to trust than everybody else I’d been with. Like with my ex-bf I was always holding back my actual feelings/pretend everything was ok and with ss I always had to watch my language, and like with both of them I never got around to fully trusting. But with her-my gf-I trusted her before we started dating and I trusted her so much more after we got together. I trust her still to this day. And with the romantic feelings bit, I’m not afraid of being a dork around her and flirt with her and hold her and god. She’s so beautiful. 

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.There’s a lot of things I regret. But I think rn, the one I can tell you is that I didn’t work hard enough in high school bc I never thought I’d make it through high school. 

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.This last one actually. Heh. I got to spend my day with my gf :)

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.I don’t really have bad birthdays, I just hate my birthdays bc I don’t like having been born. :/

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.Idk what exactly is my biggest insecurity but I’ll talk about all my other insecurities. I think I’m a horrible conversationalist, being all awkward and highly introverted. I don’t complain about my body too much but I certainly don’t celebrate it. I hate my laugh and my voice, and I don’t think my face is really anything to look at I used to think everybody just talked to me because they had no other choice but to. I feel easily replaceable and forgettable. I feel like I’m dumb af bc I’m not exactly the quickest thinker and sometimes I can’t hear people. I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing and I stand out but not in a good way. I just feel like a good annoyance in general. 

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.I’m proud of being able to graduate high school. :/9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.I like my calves, they’re the only thing that show I have some muscle. I used to like my biceps too but they’ve deflated and there’s like no muscle there anymore. I like that my ears can do the little wiggle thingy. Also my hands can type medium-fast speed. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.The biggest fight I’ve had is with myself ever since I wanted to kms. But if you want an external fight, its probably the one between me and ss since that shit lasted hella long. 

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.I don’t remember dreams unless they’re really weird.12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.Idk if you’d count it as a nightmare bc it was just super weird but I remember a dream about people getting turned it leaves, and witches, and Professor X and idk its all just a mess. 

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.The first time I had sex was in the guard room. And like it was weird bc I’ve never masturbated and stuff so I didn’t know how anything felt down there. I’ve never used a tampon by then so I’ve never had anything inserted there. Also I was pretty unaware where tf my clit was… So. My point is, there was a lot of confusing sensations but I didn’t really mind bc it was my gf who took my virginity. 

14: Talk about a vacation.I went to Lake Tahoe with my gf and her family and we did like hella romantic shit. Like we went on a stroll on the beach at night with all the constellations and we did stuff in bed and we went to an arcade and we swam and man that was a lot of fun. I was on my period tho for most of it, which sucked but. 🤷🏻‍♀️

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.I just really think about the times my gf would hold me and I’d focus on her heartbeat and the feel of her and nothing else. 16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.idk about this one. With parties, I usually get peopled out. 17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.I don’t have anyone rn since school hasn’t started yet for me and also I’m pretty anti-social. :/18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.I was known for being the most aggressive girl/team member in gym floor hockey during PE. So like, picture this, from 3rd graders to 6th graders all being in the same PE class since there were so little of us. Now imagine smaller me coming up behind a taller, older boy and ramming them into the wall in order to get the hockey puck. Also imagine smaller me, sprinting–and I was the fastest girl in my grade for a while–and practically charging at you to get that hockey puck. Needless to say, people liked being on my team. 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.I was in 7th grade, and I had just transferred into my new school. I had been sitting alone at lunch, minding my own business, and reading a book when three girls come up to me. They introduce themselves and invite me to sit at lunch with them. They really helped. 

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.For my final english project in senior year, we had to do a live acting of Romeo and Juliet. I was in the odd ones out group and it had a bunch of people who would never be in a group together unless they were forced to- which we were. I had done all the preparation for the script, it was like two days before the final date and we agreed to meet at the park’s ampitheater to do a final run together. I had just come back from performing at a parade and lord I was tired. We were fighting about how things were supposed to go a lot. 

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.During 8th grade, I got transferred into another PE class since I signed up for creative writing and there was only one period of it. I don’t remember how, but I eventually became friends with this scrawny kid named Tiger.. no joke. Anyway, I distinctly remember one time we were sitting inside on some bleachers and there were those jerk-y middle school boys behind us and they started picking on him. I remember looking at them and like telling something along the lines of back off. Anyway, skipping to 8th grade dance, I was with my friends when Tiger came along and asked for me to slow dance with him. I did. He was the second person I slow danced with. After a few slow dances my friends were making fun of me for it, but like not bc of him, more that someone asked me to slow dance and they were like poking harmless fun. Thing was, I knew he had a crush on me but I really didn’t return the feelings. Moving on to freshmen year, he calls up my mom due to bowditch directory, and asked me to go to the movies with him. I had to turn him down. 22: Talk about your worst fear.My worst fear, there are a good few fears that tie for that spot. My first one is my fear of abandonment and like disappointing everyone to the point that they just realize its better to go on without me. To an extent, its my fear of being forgotten. My second one, the fear of myself, or rather my intrusive thoughts, and being faced with all things I’ve done and thought, knowing everything that’s happened is my fault and getting confirmation of that. Fear that I’d hurt someone because of something I did. The third one is losing everything that matters to me. 

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.Let’s just talk about my “breakup” with SS during Sophomore-Junior summer bc it was kinda shitty. The reason its in quotations is bc is it actually a break-up if you were never officially together in the first place. Like, the details get muddled up but she essentially told me over text. I remember this because I was just coming back from working on my drum major routine over the summer, I was on a bridge when I got the text. Something along the lines of her parents and her religion and stuff. It really sucked bc it was before I would leave for guard camp and the people who were going with me had shipped both me and her together. :/

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.There was one time in Brentwood and one time after SCVC camp. But thats between me and her.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.For the 4th time today, I’m talking about SS. Like c’mon universe really? Anyway, she was a best friend but honestly man, she wasn’t even the best of my friends. She was a close friend, but she wasn’t the best friend. It didn’t help that I had had a crush on her for half the time before our really bad and long ass fight. 26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.I just realized I haven’t been properly sick in a while like sick with a fever so I actually have to stay in bed. Like I’d usually get like sniffles and a cough but I’d be okay for the day. So like, I like piling myself in blankets and hide from the world really. 

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.The eyes will always get me. Take that and add a smile, and bruh. Thats beauty. 

28: Talk about your fetishes.Forgive me, but I had to search these up bc I didn’t know what exactly counted as a fetish. So like if something isn’t a fetish just like.. tell me or something. So like BDSM like light bondage and blindfold and stuff. Strap-on. Dom/Sub stuff and like orgasm control/denial? Are hickies considered a fetish? I’m reading here something about being bitten but idk if that means voyeurism or like vampire roleplay or if they mean hickies. 

29: Talk about what turns you on.My gf ;) But like kissing. Neck and ear biting/nibbling.  Dry humping. Hair pulling- moreso bc of my haircut. Teasing. When my gf is being really dominant. Also when my gf is being really submissive and her moans. ;D

30: Talk about what turns you off.Those gifs of porn when you’re searching up a tag on tumblr and like bruh, I just wanted to see a pic about like puppy i didn’t need to see some bondage gay puppy roleplay like c’mon!

31: Talk about what you think death is like.A rest from the thoughts in your head. Quiet. The final escape. Maybe you get a second chance. That the next universe you experience, you’re in control, that you get to relive your life but better the next time around.  

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.I remember the first time I stepped foot in the Post Office in my hometown/childhood city. It looked different from the PO in place where we used to live. It was made of bricks and it looked really cool. I’ve only gone in once or twice but I remember all the PO boxes and the wooden shelves and getting to learn how to send a letter. Idk why exactly I remember this but yeah. 

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.Depends how sad I am. Sometimes I try to distract myself, sometimes I just stew in those thoughts. If its night, then I have a good chance of crying myself to sleep.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.Idk when I get leg cramps in the middle of the night. It used to happen all the time during Sophomore and Junior year and I’d feel it throughout the day. 

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.Living. heh. Procrastinating and being depressed. 

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.ml and pr. shhhh

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.5th time. Hopefully my last time talking about her. The reason that what happened between us hurt so much was bc I thought I was in love with her once. That’s why every time she’d shove a crush of hers in my face or something that I’d forgive her. But I got tired of it and waiting for her. I moved on. And it was a good decision bc I now have someone I really am in love with. But she didn’t like it, and apparently she had still “loved” me by letting me go, but thats just bullshit. That’s just bullshit. 

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.I have a whole playlist for my gf. And then there’s No by Meghan Trainor that my friend really hates XD

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.That I’d make it through HS and graduate. Maybe I could have built something up rather than assume I wouldn’t make it. 

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.It was my birthday, so it was the end of me being that age I was before.