#also I don't know if im aro feels like im cheating. i know i do feel romantic attraction sometimes or to some people

[wikipedie]

I am sincerely considering whether I might be somewhere on the ace/aromantic spectrum, except I don't know where or what

There's multiple people who have told me that they feel the acute lack of a romantic relationship and they really want it. And while I get wanting a romantic relationship, there are times when I do too, whenever they tell me they feel its lack in their life for me it's like... Cannot compute. Literally. For me love is love, and I'm not trying to say it in a condescending manner, but I feel all love so deeply, I genuinely sometimes feel like I might be in love with all of my friends. Like what is there to lack if love is everywhere? Sure there's sex but like...I also don't particularly feel like I need sex. I like sex and sex stuff, but I don't need it desperately in my life.

[bloggingboutburgers]

hihi! bit of a personal question so feel free not to answer, but what are your thoughts on getting platonically married and/or cohabitation? also (again dont have to answer if ur not comfortable lol) do u ever plan on having/adopting kids? im aro greyace and i havent rlly met any aspec people who also want to adopt/have kids at some point so im curious lol.

Actually yeah – I plan on both! My queerplatonic partner doesn't live in the same country as me and it's been taxing at times, I miss being close to them on days, and considering the laws, getting married would probably be the only way we can be physically together and stay together... So that's one thing. (Actually, even before realizing this practical aspect I was already having thoughts that I'd never considered marrying anyone but if I did, with them, it really wouldn't be bad at all 🙈)

Kids are also a long-term plan – my partner, who's also ace, wants to have kids in the future, and personally I'm not opposed to the idea. I love interacting with kids (in a non-creepy way obviously, just, they're so much more open-minded and less full of bullshit than adults, it can be so interesting to spend time with them, teach them things and learn other things from them), my only fear is that I wouldn't be a good parent and would do something wrong that'd make them suffer. But... I don't know, maybe having that fear is a good sign that at least I'll be careful? idk

My parents are allo, hetero people and they got divorced after one cheated on the other and resentment piled up for years and we had to bear witness to it. That sucked big time. I was scared of dinnertime and got so angry for the sake of my little brothers who suffered more than me due to being younger and possibly seeing it coming less. In a way, being in a queerplatonic relationship erases a lot of that fear for me and my partner. If they become romantically involved with someone at some point, considering my aro brain, I don't think I'll resent them, I'll just be like "fair enough as long as they're happy". I feel that in itself might avoid a lot of behavioral issues I've had to take from my folks. Also, just... I feel there's less risk of "cheating" to begin with because there's less risk of frustration at "the sex not being good anymore" – since we don't have it. I don't wanna put allosexuals in boxes or say this is the only problem that can lead to couples separating, FAR from it. But I just know I've heard some people citing that as a reason for couple problems, so... Yeah, y'know. That's one risk we don't have.

...I don't know, maybe I'm overly optimistic over things. Which is kinda rare for me. But in any case I hope this can be helpful and bring reassurance^^

[rosepetalkitty]

hh serious post bcuz someone else's really cute post reminded me of an interaction with my family that i feel like venting about, other trans girlies can maybe relate

so for a long time i

insisted to myself that i wasn't really aro and did really romantically love my partners

lied to my parents about being in relationships, out of fear and self preservation

and if you're curious, no, that didn't stop my mom from referring to me hanging out with two friends (who i never even came close to dating :/ one was a friend from preschool) as "menage au trois." i was 15. to this day she blames me for "not taking a joke" if i bring up how uncomfortable that made me.

but i digress. eventually as a senior i had a breakdown during a family argument and stormed off outside. the breakdown was partially fueled by my intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend being gone (for those who dont know the context: he didn't die we just couldn't contact each other for a year and a half and were very codependent) being worse that day.

i was sitting by the road outside our house and my dad came out and apologized for shouting and asked if i was okay. i told him "not really" and he asked what was going on, if it was about my boyfriend, etc. i was feeling really shit and the secrets were making it worse so i explained to him that i was dating my boyfriend as well as my girlfriend and another person who i no longer consider myself to have really dated — they were a friend of my ex-boyfriend and i (the one who introduced us actually) and we trauma bonded over missing him, but that was it. no real relationship.

the first thing he said was "well do they all know?" and we both laughed and i was like "yeah no im not cheating on them it's just complicated to explain relationships" and he was like "yeah. i don't necessarily understand, but i understand why i don't understand"

i was like "what? what does that even mean?"

and he was like "well, it's so interesting to me. i always thought that because you're, y'know, you weren't raised as a girl, that your relationship with your mom would be like mother and son, and that it would take a while to change that. but now that im looking back on it it's always been more like a mother-daughter relationship. i just think that's neat."

im pretty sure the implication was that he felt like dad's don't understand dating which is why he "understood why he didn't understand" but like. idk. that conversation was the first time either of my parents had really acknowledged me as a girl beyond my name and pronouns. my mom especially has always been very performative about gender — i tried to explain what genderfae (the label i most closely identify with) meant and she responded "oh just tell me if you're a she or a they beyond that i don't need to know."

she also got upset with me to the point of shouting for trying to explain to her that nonbinary and agender were not the same thing — she had been volunteering for the trevor project and was pissed that their training slides "didn't make sense."

idk. i just feel like it's interesting. especially that my dad, a cis man, still notices stuff like how my mom parented me being more like a daughter than a son. although tbf my childhood was a fucking trainwreck and not entirely due to them. lots of mental health issues as a toddler and elementary schooler, they're kinda funny to look back on but terrified the shit out of my parents. so like, maybe im not the perfect example for this. but uh. yeah.

[blubushie]

I regularly forget im aro because i lack the capacity to differentiate between affection types and also don’t remember that romantic attraction exists, but then it slaps me in the face sometimes. I saw an instagram reel asking “if your bestie and your partner banged and insisted it was because they were drunk, who would you be madder at and why” and I got so confused because if my bestie and partner fucked, I would be delighted bc people I care about are making each other feel good. Looked in the comments and it was all shit like “immediate murder suicide” like what??? people actually want exclusive relationships? Like you want to be someone’s primary emotional support AND have them be yours? AND they live in your house? That sounds exhausting. What about when I want to just disappear for two weeks?

I texted a friend to be like “do people actually feel like this” and she was like “[anon]. you’re aro. you know you’re aro.”

Anyways being aroallo is fun and I think more of us should be around

Amusingly I'd also be in the "immediate murder suicide" camp but hat's because I'm an extremely possessive bastard. I only rooted my ex girlfriend to piss off her brother Because He Ddint' Like Me and I thrive off spite. It just happened to work out well for us.

But that's just me, local aroallo that can't do poly relationships cuz he doesn't share. (Though noting that the relatinships in that scneario is not a poly relationship, that'd just be cheating. Poly requires discussing prospective partners with your current partner(s), you can still cheat in a poly relationship, etc etc)

Apolgoies for typos I have 2nd defree burns to both hadns rn so it's really hard to type

Also noting that yeah I also have difficulty differentiating between affecton types. On the raer occasion I can bond with people and this is accompanied with sexual attractiong I end up being convinced I love them until I turn normal again in a few months. This happens pretty reliably. It's really weird and I don't like it lmao. Intense lust -> "This must be love surely". It's not! It's just intense lust with a dash of emotional bonding and a big dollop of mental illness

[jemthebookworm]

[ID: 27 screenshots of tags:

1. #hey guys i'm polyamorous (has multiple friends)

2. #what in the amatonormativity

3. #well thats a new one #thanks i hate it

4. #there's a lot to unpack there

5. [first two tags in all caps] #wait this is so funny actually #im in tears help #sorry aromantics you can only have one bestie now #choose wisely [thinking emoji]

6. #and today in Igbt discourse: #Is It Allo to Have More Than One Friend #more at six #anyway this is insane I want to study anon #lgbt #aro

7. #people just spit shit these days

8. #im going to start gaybaiting but with friendships instead

9. #are we all catholic all of a sudden

10. #no no I like this. let's make up some more rules #I wanna see the callout posts

11. #i believe sometimes wrong takes are actually right if they're funny enough. this is one of them #aros? if you have more than one friend you're a slimy cheating bastard #unless you're in an open friendship!!!!

12. #I'm a cheating platonic whore #my legs aren't spread but my arms are #friends get in there #let me give you a hug

13. #gonna sit down with my friends and be all serious and looking at each of them with a grave look in my eyes #'so. I have gathered you all here today for some specific reason as you can probably guess' #'but I want the truth out there and I will refuse to live in secret any longer' #my friends look at me in utter confusion one of them already wants to start saying that they have figured out already that I am not straigh #I lift a hand and cause them to pause #'guys...l am friends with all of you' I say solemnly and dramatically pause afterwards 'I cheated on every single one of you' #no one understands what I am talking about

14. #us aromantics can only have ONE FRIEND #less we dispoint the curch with our scandolus cheating

15. #finally #slut status

16. #i always knew deep down that i was a whore

17. #stop being friends with everyone you slut

18. #"I'm in my slut era!" <- aros when they have more than one friend at a time #Yeah because I have friends while being in a qpp I'm a slut now. #Sorry babe I'm a problematic man

19. #fellas is it alloromantic to have more than one friend?? #by having a partner am I cheating on all of my other friends?? #stay tuned??? #aromantic #aroace

20. #it’s true i’m in multiple friendships and now they're making me pay child support on the christmas gifted plushies and plants. #when people in elementary school told me "you can only have three best friends" they were actually poly allies

21. #now THIS is the kind of aspec discourse i wanna see #(especially since the crazy take came from an anon so there's no risk of people dogpiling anybody's account) #truly though this is some seriously amatobrained stuff. heres what i feel like happened here: #anon vaguely understands that aros don't adhere to the ideology of 'you must date ONE person and ONE person ONLY and anything else is WEIRD #but they don't understand WHY we do that... so they assumed that we continue to apply that whole mindset to friendships #so basically like. they took all the weird cultural bs surrounding romantic relationships and just 1-to-1 applied it to friendship #which is very incorrect and also very funny. me going through my friend's phone to make sure theyre not sending memes to anyone else [three angry emojis]

22. #oh you know us slutty little aromantics #slutting about with all our friendships and whatnot

23. #guess it's time to decide which one friend of mine is staying #who wants to do an elaborate game show kind of thing to win my friendship

24. #giving a yellow rose to friends that are allowed to stay until only one is left #like on the bachelor #except with friendships #the friendster

25. #babe wake up new aro rules just dropped

26. #its giving church #are you a puritan perhaps anon

27. #Hey... I have something to tell you... #I've been sharing juice boxes with Alicia on the playground [sad disappointed emoji] /end ID]

isn't wanting to be friends with other people, like, cheating? if you're aromantic?

literally what

[aroaceconfessions]

i've read people on here and in other aro spaces talk about their experiences when a friend gets into a romantic relationship and starts to drift away, or about how they wish they could be affectionate with their friends platonically and it not being seen as weird or cheating or anything else, and i've AGREED!! because i do agree i do feel these things i do worry about my allo friends leaving me for their partner when they get one !! really !

but recently i got a qpp. and i love them so much and they're so important to me and i get to be affectionate with them and overt and extra and everything in all the sappy dramatic ways we want and it's wonderful! but i've come to realize that. when a friend who isn't my qpp comes to me with the same affection i've wished to have the courage to give to my friends in the past, i love it and it makes me happy but it also makes me guilty. it feels like cheating when i tell my friends i love them now, even though before it was so natural to me.

and i know it's ridiculous. i know that it's fine to be affectionate towards friends even if they arent your partner, romantic or platonic. but it still makes me feel so bad (and this isn't at all prompted in any way by my qpp, to be clear. they have never expressed that toxic kind of possessiveness that you hear about with couples who don't let each other near their friends anymore in fear of cheating etc etc- this is all me and my weird guilty brain.) i don't know if *i* would get jealous of them if they were that affectionate with their friends. i do get sad sometimes when i see pictures of them hanging out with people but that's not in a jealous way, but in a more lonely way because i wish i was there with them but i can't be (we are long-distance).

i don't know where im going with this. i miss being able to be sappy and gross and loving towards my friends like before, and i know it's likely my internalized amatonormativity acting up again, but it still makes me sad and i wish it would stop

[bi-demon-ium]

ok umm i've really not seen any kate stuff? anywhere? so i'd like to hear your thoughts on kate (preferably angst) please!! you are awesome btw <3

ok i don't actually know if you are intending to talk about book!kate or show!kate but i will be mostly if not completely discussing show!kate rip if that was not what you meant but i've seen the show a lot more recently

OKAY. so. i'll start small with some headcanons:

kate is soooo autistic. and adhd. audhd my beloved. yes i say this about pretty much every character i like but with kate it's PARTICULARLY true. (i believe i said in the mbs server the book!kate feels like she has adhd with a side of autism while show!kate feels like she had autism with a side of adhd and i stand by that. but it's vibes based not like, literal.)

but like she can have trouble expressing her feelings, even to herself. she'll either be unable to hide her reactions/expressions, or she'll barely have one at all, and seem unbothered. she's also very blunt and unafraid to state her opinion to anyone, even if it seems "rude". but she isn't rude, really, as it's not that kind of "blunt truth" some assholes like to parade about when they're really just being dicks to everyone. she's still kind, she only says something negative if someone has done something negative (ie, "you are very unpleasant" to someone actively antagonizing everyone in the room is on the table, but just randomly insulting someone for the sake of "blunt honesty" is not. she's never like, mean.)

also shes GAYYYY. or possibly bi, i don't have an opinion on that. on one hand lesbian energy on the other i could definitely see bi bi bi. but if you don't think her and martina got something on i don't know what to tell you. that being said i could also see her as a-spec, but not necessarily in a way that conflicts with Whatever's Going On With Martina. (to be fair, hpwever, one could argue martina was more into kate than vice versa, i could see an argument for aro kate for sure)

green beanie is comfort beanie. she very rarely takes it off. where do you think she got it? angsty answer is somehow it's from her dad, but realistically she probably got it later in life. (doesn't mean she didn't choose it for similar reasons, though... not knowing why she was drawn to the green hat, not remembering it's the same shade as one her father wore....)

also the bucket. i do wonder when she got the bucket. this one, while again a milligan-related reason would be super fucked up (in the fun sad way), i feel like. i feel like it's more that as a kid she felt like she needed to be Prepared. maybe something happened where she wasn't, or maybe she just felt like she wanted to be ready, just in case, all the time. but like. her getting a bucket, modifying it herself, experimenting with different ways to put it on her belt, the inventory changing over the years as some things were discarded or added over time... idk i just think. kate developing her bucket

kate & constance was so good and i want to see more of their friendship. so bad. each realizing the other isn't so bad bc they're forced to work together... chefs kiss. also, the only person other than mr benedict we really see constance actually seem to openly like in some capacity.

kate & sticky underrated. their talk before the cheating was such a good scene. i also want more of this dynamic

i should also mention kate & reynie, which i do genuinely like--the hug is sweet--but i admit is my maybe least favorite of the society dynamics with kate. although i do enjoy the contrast between kate "IM GONNA GO CLIMB THAT TOWER" wetherall and reynie "please why am i the only voice of reason holding this group together" muldoon

i've only explored it in that one fic but i actually think kate & mr benedict would be such a good dynamic, especially because in the show it's inexplicably established he's into engineering. LET THEM BOND OVER BUILDING WEIRD SHIT PLEASE

okay to get a little more into specifics methinks,

i just think a lot about kate like. immediately after season one, and--we'll just. we'll ignore season 2 for now, let's set this in my current anomalous idea of them all in season one (which, rip wetherall farm, but is currently number two & rhonda off at the airshows with mr benedict, constance, milligan, and kate in the house) so like just.

you've been alone your entire life. you've been independent, and you've grown up thinking that the only person you ever had just left you one day for no reason, and in doing so broke a direct promise. and then now, you not only have friends who've you learned to rely on and not just try and do everything yourself, but suddenly you have reliable adults. and more importantly, more specifically, your dad, who never left you but had been taken. had been erased, and even brainswept had never truly stopped looking.

and kate isn't stupid. she heard his story. she knows he must have been through Some Shit. and that he'd have come back if he could. but there's still that pain, that ache, of how long he was missing, for like, more than three quarters of her life! he vanished when she was 3! but now it's like. oh. he did want me. he was taken. he was taken.

so that's an almost identity altering shift in her worldview. and on top of that, her current world is now so completely different: rather than independence and circus life, she's got friends her age who genuinely like her, who she's bonded with through major adversity, and she has adults who actually listen to her and like her. and she has her dad.

and it grates sometimes--she's independent, she doesn't need to be treated like a baby! but also it's like. it's bizarre, because they care, but they don't condescend to her, they do understand she's intelligent and capable even if they want to protect her. and she's never really had adults like that before. not since she was three

so it's a weird mix of like being sort of happy/pleased, because they care, she can rely on them, and being kind of annoyed/frustrated because while she's learned she doesn't need to be entirely independent she still struggles with it. because she's kate wetherall, and she's always prepared, and she feels like she has to be prepared for what will happen if they leave if they're taken from her. she can't rely on them completely, can she? what happens when she loses them again?

and then the mix feelings of old long-buried resentment/anger under buried sadness/loneliness under a crisp crust of i'm perfectly fine, mixed with the new feelings of anger on his behalf, at curtain, sadness at the missing time, at how close he'd been for all these years without either of them knowing it, sadness for him, for herself. but like all of it is still like. under her trying to pretend like she's fine. (and her difficulty expressing emotions, even to herself, does Not Help.)

not to mention as much as genuinely loved the mission in some ways--her new friends (including martina), the adventure, helping people, her bucket coming crazy in handy, etc.--it wasn't exactly a cake walk.

she has nightmares, sometimes: about martina's face when she walked into the waiting room. about sticky's face when he walked out of it. about falling and falling and falling except there aren't warm, safe arms to catch her. about the nodes attached to her face and the long, metallic spires pointed at her, ready to wipe her like her father had been wiped. about her father leaving and never coming home, never being found. about being caught. about losing her friends. about curtain. about all of it.

but she doesn't want to share it because one, she doesn't want them to feel guilty: she did what she had to, and she doesn't regret it. two, and more importantly, she doesn't want them to not let her come on the next mission. (kate had already kind of had the idea that they would have another--they were a team! teams didn't just split up!--but now she's sure of it. curtain's still out there, after all, and he didn't seem the type to just give up.)

i think maybe constance might bully her into talking about it--we already know she can feel dreams (with her comment about sticky dreaming about steak and sticky asking her how she knew that) and as they're on a more even ground she'd be more likely to actually say something. but constance would poke at her about it and probably get her irritated in the process.

(also possible, she talks to mr benedict about this, bc again im a sucker for their dynamic + part of the problem is not wanting to hurt milligan's feelings, and one thing i like about this is i think mr benedict would be extremely kind and understanding about it, and really help like, gently guide her through it, and she'd be like wow adults have never actually helped me before, wild, and then the second she leaves he's like [collapsing into a mess] oh god. oh god. because on one hand he just desperately hopes that helped, and on the other hand, he's having a million crises. oh god. he put actual kids in danger. she's so small number two. number two she's so fucking small and she's having nightmares and it's my brother that took her dad and ohmygodohmygodohmygod. like literally it's like he goes from "kalm" to "PANIK" the second shes out of range. like the dissonance between mr benedict (around the kids, a calm and kindly mentor who seems to know what he's doing for the most part) and nicholas (0.0003 seconds from a panic attack rn, full to the brim with anxiety and guilt) is. hilarious, in a sad way. but i digress, mr benedict tangent over, sorry)

ANYWAY also kate and milligan. like. getting to know him again, and vice versa. this is personally painful for me. like so many years, this disconnect between them hurts, but like. it starts with that hug, with her letting herself lean into his side, letting him put an arm around her shoulders, and he's like. in tears a bit. and like. then over time just. trying to tell each other about their lives--particularly kate recounting her adventures--and marveling a bit at how similar they are in many ways. milligan slowly getting memories back and remembering her as a little girl and seeing her now, all grown up but so small and hurt still, and like. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i also have so many thoughts head full on them & mr benedict, and also throwing in constance and everyone really, but that's too many and this is already long and i dont even know how to put it to words so i'll refrain for now. anyway my point is: kate wetherall. hug her please

[nekomimithoughts]

Okay so I'll try to explain from my standpoint, and I would say it's not something generally considered normal, it's a type of person thing. It depends on your personality, openness and how you experience your sexuality and your relationships. There are a lot of people for which trust, feeling respected and emotional closeness is the decisive factor for if you would have sex with a person, and that is something found in friendships too, not only romantic relationships. There are people for who like-mindedness, sympathy and good communication is the decisive factor, and that could also be found in friendships. Some people say I need to be in love with someone to want to have sex with them, others say it's enough to find them physically attractive and liking their personality.

Then again, I know a lot of people who have the openness and desire to have sexual friendships or for sexuality to be a part of their friendships but don't act on it out of fear to ruin their friendships (I call them the "I'd be down if you asked" crowd) or they don't actually have a friend they also find attractive.

Generally, it seems so that queer people are more open-minded or interested towards sexuality in friendship, for example polyamorous people, aro people, and others, which probably in part has to do also with a certain distance to or critical examination of social norms. If you have sexual friendships and romantic partner(s) at the same time I would say depends on what you and your partners want and agree on, there is no general rule. There needs to be that communication of expectations though or else it's cheating.

I've had sexual friendships, and the reason I had them is because it were people I trusted and found physically attractive, who I had a nice friendship with and good communication, but weren't compatible as a couple and not interested in being one. It was basically that one day we talked about what kind of relationships we desire or see ourselves in in general, and one or the other said, I'd have sex with you as friends if you wanted to, and got curious about experiencing that. And the kind of relationship we had was "you can hit me up when you're horny and if I'm in the mood too I'm happy to help you out". The important part is that in my experience this can only work if you do talk about it, what you want, how you feel, if you feel respected and trusting, and to be honest and caring towards each other. If one person feels used, that's bad and shouldn't be the case.

In my experience it's kind of rare that everything fits to make a healthy sexual friendship possible. First of all you have to be a person that people feel comfortable discussing sexuality with. Then you have to be both attracted to each other. I've had a few friends tell me "I would if you're down" But I wasn't attracted to them. There were also (male) "friends" who claimed they wanted a friends with benefits relationship but actually it turned out they didn't actually care for or respect me, just saw me as a sexual object to conquer, and I rejected them and they suddenly lost interest in being "friends" (because they were only nice to get in my pants, which is really toxic and misogynistic). So you also need to find out if the other person is someone who deserves to be intimate with you, who values you as a person and has the capability to openly communicate boundaries and what they want.

Personally, if I'm not in a romantic relationship I might have several sexual friendships if I align with several people in that way at the same time, Im not bound to them, but it's unlikely because I'm rarely attracted to others. If I'm in a romantic relationship I will be primarily interested in sex with my partner, but in agreement with my partner maybe I'd occasionally have sex with a friend or threesome, where my partner is part of that, either fully informed or playing together. Others might have different views than me though

Actually sexual and platonic relationships can coexist a lot of u have just been convinced that the final result of all sexual relationships is a romantic one. Sometimes u can just fuck ur friends and it’s fine. Hope this helps