#also I could be ashamed that I reblog myself but I've made a lot of gif sets over the years so I treat them like seinfeld re-runs

[zenathered]

I posted 1,793 times in 2022

That's 179 more posts than 2021!

118 posts created (7%)

1,675 posts reblogged (93%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@zenathered

@asleepinawell

@rivensbane

@riinoaheartilly

@gobbie-boom

I tagged 1,783 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#ffxiv - 1,195 posts

#ffxiv art - 456 posts

#ffxiv spoilers - 341 posts

#endwalker spoilers - 174 posts

#ffvii - 142 posts

#shameless reblog - 97 posts

#team turtle - 58 posts

#tifa lockhart - 56 posts

#our patron saint of fisticuffs - 53 posts

#nier automata - 46 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#then it dawned on me that final fantasy just did that adskfjh just start with a whole new world and characters and i laugh about it even now

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

See the full post

497 notes - Posted September 21, 2022

#4

See the full post

957 notes - Posted May 17, 2022

#3

SCREAMS

1,097 notes - Posted May 12, 2022

#2

See the full post

1,792 notes - Posted June 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

See the full post

4,907 notes - Posted April 20, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[rotworld]

Hi there,

I want to rant about fetishes. I know I'm into the more violent stuff, and I'm pretty sure I know why (lifetime of self-hatred and trauma to boot), but recently I've been dabbling in the guro side of things and I feel ... guilty? Ashamed? Also idk how to filter guro so I only see the things that work for *me* (drowning, bruises, beatings) and not the other stuff (dec*pitation, graphic torture). At the same time I cant help but feel like I'm what's wrong with the world. Do you have any advice for me?

pretty heavy talk ahead. i’ll start with the advice and end with a personal anecdote if that’s useful.

i want to start by saying you’re not “what’s with the world.” there are a lot of reasons people seek out gore and graphic content. for some, it’s morbid curiosity and for others there is a fetish component. if you’ve been through something traumatic, i think there’s a draw to view violence from a “safe” distance as a form of catharsis. none of that makes you a bad person. but i also think it can cross very easily into a form of self-harm and become dangerous.

i don’t know you well enough to make assumptions beyond what you mentioned here. if you’re experiencing a lot of distress or discomfort, or feeling more negative about yourself, then you should stop seeking it out completely. it might be something that you view to “punish” yourself, or use to distract from other upsetting thoughts or feelings, especially if it’s something you’re looking for compulsively or extremely frequently. 

i also recommend cutting back on real gore, especially videos, if that’s what you’re looking at. those will desensitize you the more you watch them, and you shouldn’t be desensitized to real human suffering. those people in “infamous gore videos” don’t exist in a vacuum, they’re real people with childhoods and families who went through horrible things, and now it’s on the internet forever. if you’re worried that you’ve already hit that point of extreme numbness and don’t feel what you should or don’t feel anything, you’ll be okay if you stay away from gore for a while. those feelings you thought you lost will come back. when they do, i’d maintain that distance. stick to simulated gore in fictional horror media like movies or games instead.

in the past, when people have approached me about having guilt or shame about their interests, i generally told them not to worry. there’s nothing wrong with having noncon fantasies, or enjoying horror-themed erotica. as long as you’re able to distinguish fantasy from reality and don’t impose those fantasies on people who don’t consent to being involved in them, you’re fine. i stand by all of that. but this is about gore specifically which i feel is a little different. morbid curiosity or interest isn’t unusual but you have to keep it healthy and responsible. even if it’s purely fictional gore that’s giving you this reaction, you should still stop viewing it. it’s not “silly” or “weak” to acknowledge the emotional response you’re getting from something.

now the personal anecdote. i started writing explicit guro in 2016 (shades of it had been in my work before then). i had just graduated, i was feeling really lost, adrift and desperate for community, and i was extremely online. i followed a few people who reblogged real gore and went looking for it outside of tumblr a lot too. i was obsessed. i think i told myself it was “reference” for my work but it had the catharsis and fetish element for me too. these horrible things happened to other people instead of me, i could revel in it safely from a distance. but it wasn’t “safe,” it was harmful. it was so far beyond “curiosity,” it was a fixation and a crutch. i looked at it so much that it stopped feeling real and i forgot that the people in those videos were people at all. it was just a blur of gruesome, awful shit all the time. 

there wasn’t any single thing that made me stop. i think eventually it just wore on me too much. i wasn’t doing any of this stuff in moderation, i was online constantly, i was posting constantly, i was writing intense guro constantly. and there’s nothing wrong with making a lot of dark art, but i wasn’t engaging with any of my other interests or living my life much outside of it. i have boundaries i stick to for myself now. medical resources, roadkill, pictures people share consensually of their own injuries, things i might come across over the course of my normal life are fine. i don’t go looking for anything more extreme than that anymore, and i don’t even go looking for “acceptable things” all that often anymore. that kneejerk “god that’s awful” response that i’d lost is back. some people have a higher tolerance for this stuff than others, but i’m not “some people.” i know myself and i know what kinds of things i can become unhealthily reliant on and why, so now i’m much more careful. you know yourself best and you have to decide that for yourself, too.

[meerphanim]

My Art Summary of 2023, along with a Art Vs Artist of this year

Most of these I posted publicly on here except for July's; which is a practice drawing of textured colored images featuring Rin Kagamine.

The template of the art summary is by @/taxkha (it's actually for 2022 but I edited because. Yes)

[ Ramble under the Read More. ]

I think Tumblr is the only place I can freely talk, aside from Discord with friends.

Honestly? I feel this year I've been lacking as an artist.

I draw full pieces once or twice a month while I see others post more art than me, sometimes posting doodles they made in their free times.

My doodles are traditional. I prefer posting digitally, but I do want to doodle digitally more. But why does everytime I think "I'm gonna doodle this thing that'll be done in a couple minutes" and then I'll spend almost an hour on it??

My once or twice a month postings are what I'm ashamed about, honestly. I wish I could draw more after two or three days of finishing my previous work. Was it tiredness? Was it laziness? Was it executive dysfunction?

I do think there's fear. There's a linger of it as if I can't draw this artwork exactly like my mental vision. I never had this before. Why now suddenly? As well as practice to draw something new or something I have to master again?

I need to step back. I'm trying to stop comparing my work from other artists, it feels so relieving. Why compare myself to another person as I and them are two completely different people? With two different perspectives?

I did talked about my posting schedules comparing others just now. I am still working on this personal problem. Comparing art is one thing, but comparing another's success might be a whole nother fuckery.

Of course I do find inspiration from others. Though... I feel a lot of the artists I am inspired by are so... contrasting. I should compile my art inspos in a little folder lmao

I'm not sure about the "Reblogs > Likes" will stay though. Nowadays I feel I don't give a fuck anymore, I just wanna draw and post art. I saw that and go back frustrated at the number of likes and reblogs/shares lmaoooo; I'm working that though.

Perhaps an artist's way of thriving is to thrive with other artists. I am grateful of the friends I made in Discord servers, especially the OC server. It's also the same server I participated in am art telephone known as Tewephone. Again, I am very happy to participate with my friends ^^

On a much less important note, I need more OCs. I need more. My brain keeps giving me character ideas and I feel like making characters. I need more non-fan OCs though. But still. Need more OCs.

I am holding onto the hope I still contain in my heart. 2023 has been a ton of ups and downs (a lot of downs to be honest but whatever). I wish my friends, my family and everyone reading this a happy and hopeful 2024.

Happy New Years, everyone! 🎉🎊

[smores100]

hey.

so. haven't been around for quite some time, mostly due to my health issues (the usual + muscle aches and joint pains, i'm having a great time), but also in part due to The Situation. it's hard to care about anything with everything that's been going on, it all seems so pointless and meaningless, i'm living in a completely different universe from everyone else here. wish i could be that privileged, but alas. it's also hard being around here, and on other social media platforms for that matter, and seeing the raging antisemitism and sheer hate everywhere. i haven't checked my dash in almost 2 months, haven't checked specific blogs like i used to either, and have no plans on doing so anytime soon. i know what i'll find, i don't want it.

i was gonna stay quiet like i ususally do, especially since i genuinely don't have energy for anything rn, but it's been 2 months and i've been biting my tongue and screaming and crying into my pillow daily and i just need to get some of it out before i implode. there's only so much ignorance and hate that one person can take before snapping, so. here i am.

i have so much i want to say, i've written a million posts in my mind in the past 2 months, but i'm too Tired to actually write them down, and it'll just be one big messy ramble anyway, so i'm just gonna reblog a couple of other people's posts and make do with that. just a couple, don't worry, i know these are issues most either want to avoid dealing with or the opinions shared in those posts are a complete 180 degrees from what's trendy to believe in today. but i have to share it anyway. for 2 months i've been terrified, frustrated, bitter, angry and absolutely heartbroken, but there's one thing i haven't been, and that is ashamed. i'm proud of who i am. i'm proud of my people and their spirit. you will never understand what it's been like for us, what it still is like for us, but let me just say this: they wanted to break us, they wanted to break our spirit. they failed. we've never been more united. they just made us stronger.

so i'm gonna reblog some stuff so i can get it out of my system and move on. at worst i hope you just ignore and scroll past it; at best i hope you keep an open mind and maybe for the first time read things from a different pov instead of just the one sided propaganda everyone is continuously exposed to. maybe you'll see it isn't all black and white, maybe you'll see there are nuances you're not even aware of, maybe you'll realize you've been fed a lot of misinformation, half truths and even lies over the years. maybe. if you have questions or want to have a mature and civil conversation about it, feel free to msg me and i'll try and reply when my health allows me to, i'm open to discussion. if you want to unfollow me after this, feel free to do so. i'm not gonna force my truth on anyone, but i'm also not gonna change who i am for anyone either.

and on a more personal note, i wanna say thank you again for the msgs i've received last time and haven't replied to (due to health, Situation etc), and for the ones i've gotten since (will get to those soon i hope). i do feel the need to say this tho - i did have a peek or two at my dash and on twitter earlier on and saw some things. i was in a super sensitive state at the time and it was pretty disheartening ngl. it's hard nowadays, with all the hate going on and public opinion being what it is, to know whether or not you're still welcome in these spaces, whether or not people still like you and care about you, or if you've officially become persona non grata. most days it feels like the latter tbh. i just don't know where i stand. i said i'm not gonna force myself on anyone and i'm not, so if you're still ok with me…i guess the ball's in your court? 🌻

thanks for reading. thanks for sticking around, to those who decide to do so. take care y'all. never again is now. am yisrael chai. 💙

[ciaossu-imagines]

What’s your least written fandom right now? And who’s your fave character from it? Talk to me about them!! Please!!!!💕💕💕💕

Now this...this is such a great ask! Thank you sooooo much for allowing me this! So, there's actually five fandoms that I have for this blog that have never gotten a single ask sent in that I remember. I write for them, do posts for them that aren't asked for. Those posts get likes, and in a couple cases, reblogs, so I know I'm not writing to completely empty fandoms! Just never get requests for them! And I do love these fandoms and the characters, so let me rant here just a bit!

So, I've never gotten an ask for Ronin Warriors! I do love all the characters, but I'm biased as fuck, because I've been self-shipping with one of the characters here since I was 11...seriously, for well over a decade, I've found solace in little stories or in headcanons or fantasies with this character and they've really grown with me, in terms of self-shipping, over the years as I've grown and found myself.

That cutie there? That's Rowan Hashiba! I just have always loved his character. He's wildly intelligent, which any reader knows I always appreciate in a character. He's such a loyal friend, another soft spot of mine, but as a character comes across as both very stupid-smart and as a bit of an eccentric at points. I find him fun, funny, and there's something about him that makes me wildly curious about him, makes me want to think up and imagine his early life, what makes him tick, what makes him happy and sad, what he goes on to do with his life, etc.

I've never gotten a single ask for Kekkaishi! I have flipped favourites so, so many times. Every time I reread it, I have new favourites, but even during the initial read, I kept finding myself drawn to various characters at different points in the story. Overall though, I love all the Yagyo, or Night Troops, but especially this guy!

Masamori is such a complex, interesting character. He's got a very morally grey side to him, despite technically being a good guy. He's got huge, gaping character flaws, but he's also got a really big heart. He's a huge contradiction in a lot of ways and I could really see him being the villain in another story, typecast in that way, but at the same time, his role in the story of Kekkaishi as being on the side of good, but being unafraid to do bad things in the name of good?? It makes for such a deliciously fascinating character!

I have never gotten an actual request for Blush Blush! Which is sad, because it's such a fun and addicting game and all the guys are wonderful, for the most part)! There truly is someone for everyone in Blush Blush! My favourite though? Definitely Garret!

Just look at how cute he is! I love the visual interest of him and there's a really great contrast with him, a trope I always fall for, of this really gentle giant type character. He's usually very unintentionally funny and he has some of the best dialogue in the game to me and he just feels very sweet and fun!

I've also never gotten an actual request for GetBackers! Will I forever keep writing about it, despite not getting requests? Yes. Yes, forever. I love the anime so much, it was among the first I watched and it really does have that nostalgia and impact for me, for all its flaws. While I self-ship with Ginji, and am not ashamed to admit it because despite what large sections of fandoms say, it's perfectly normal and healthy to self-ship, my favourite is actually Haruki Emishi!!

Known as the Fresh Blood Joker, this guy is badass. Like, his blood is literally fucking explosive and how cool is that?? And he fights with a whip that's made out of the hair of the women in his clan! Though he was initially introduced as someone who turned traitor to his friends, there were reasons. And he did snap out of it, once he worked through the feeling of being abandoned by those who he cared about. He loves a good fight, but he's also a really good guy, someone who just wants to make people smile and laugh. Also, has some truly horrible gags and lines that always make me laugh.

Lastly, I've never gotten requests for Class of the Titans, though I do know there is still a very small fandom out there for it! It's an old cartoon but I swear it is so much fun and just a really interesting, light watch! I love all but one of the characters so picking a favourite was really, REALLY hard! But I settled on this cutie here!

I really did feel a draw to Odie's character! Again, another very smart guy, but someone not really taken very seriously. He comes from a friendless background and I do feel like he was a bullied kid, and I really connected with that part of his character and love how loyal he is to his friends now that he has them. There was also this really great episode where it seems like he turned traitor, but it was really just this fantastic long-con because Odie - he's always playing a couple steps ahead.

[wardenswateringhole]

This is a vent/get this of my chest thing. Also one of "talking about my problems will help others" situation.

Putting a break here for those who don't want to read that stuff.

Warning: long ass rant

It's no secret that my muse died. I'm still struggling to write even after that break. Sadly, I'm beginning to notice it affecting my art, or at least my perception of it.

I decided to do some research and reach out to a few people. I learned something interesting. It's not writer's block.

It's writer's burnout.

Writer's burnout is a completely different creature. It stems from many causes and the trick to beating it is to identity it's cause.

I think identified my cause and I would be lying if I said didn't feel a bit ashamed about it. All my preaching about taking care yourself first and I failed to follow the sentiment myself.

I've having gotten this much attention for my content in YEARS. I've gotten the polite nod and the stiff "that's good!" for a very long time. When I came on here and people began to express they like my work in ways that were geniuine, that was a high and a half. Seeing the reblogs, the comments, the likes, the followers, those little numbers go up and up and up made me feel so good.

So I started pursuing that high instead of just doing what I enjoyed. I create to impress rather than just for enjoyment and self fulfillment. I even became competition for myself. I wanted to top the numbers on previous posts and see if I could reach higher numbers than before.

The slice of life of Ingo having his first cup of coffee after returning from Hisui has been the most explosive piece I've done to date. I literally sat down and threw that together in the span of maybe 7 minutes. In the course of a day it broke 100 likes, a number I never thought i'd ever reach. It continued to grow and I still see stray likes on it every once in a while. It's my most liked written piece on here.

It absolutely boggled my mind. A little piece that I just spat out got that much attention. What would happen if I wrote a serious piece then? Every piece that I have written since has been in competition with that post. I wanted those greater numbers so badly. When my try hard pieces got far less attention than my "spit-out" pieces... I guess it kind of began to skew my view of my abilities.

I had thoughts of writing a book around this time. If my effort pieces weren't as good, why bother then? If I wrote a high effort book, it would most likely be ignored if the number were anything to go by. Was I even that great of a writer? We're all those comments just people being over the top and trying to make me feel good about myself?

All-nighter was the final blow. I had written that over several days. I struggled with it hard. I finally posted it thinking people would clamour for it like the previous Clavell posts. They didn't. Serious heavy doubt set in.

I strive to improve my craft for myself. It is a form of self fulfillment. It's like leveling up in a video game for me. I love seeing how I improve over time. Unfortunately I began to mistake attention for exp and I wasn't leveling up at all. So now I'm facing a boss that should be going down according to my perceived level, but it isnt.

And so, I need to grow. Correctly this time. While the numbers and comments are nice to see, I'm going to try and not let them affect my perception of my own worth. At the end of the day, my creations are for me first and foremost. Not to feed some compliment machine. The numbers are decoration at best.

I hope this helps someone else out there struggling as well.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a lot of apologizing and catching up to do with myself.

[reasonsichanged]

Q

Q for quiet.

I'm having so much trouble with processing J's death. The percentage gets smaller by the day, but I think that some miniscule part of me will always believe he's still alive and his family is just hiding him -- is ashamed of him. I'll always wonder what happened.

At first I cried over losing the warmth and sparkly, giddy feeling from feeling loved by him for good. It was always gone, but the memory felt truly lost now. The more that I sit with this feeling and look over the fragments of him left behind on the internet -- his Deviantart, his Tumblr -- the more I believe I just felt chosen by him. I loved him, but I forgot until maybe yesterday that there was a large part I did not like: "If we weren't dating, I'd probably hate him." The hateful messages he reblogged tainted how I felt about him then, and also how I felt about myself, but I couldn't give up my need for his praise. I thought I was weak because I couldn't stand up for myself and feel anger like that. I didn't like it, but I also compared myself to it and felt like I was in the worse position. I was meek.

That was J ten years ago. Was that the J who passed away? Probably not. I think he was deeply interested in his own story, and I was a part of that -- a lot of girls were part of that -- but I think he came to not be as angry... although livestreaming himself deleting all of the hateful messages was another kind of self-interested, just in a different direction. Not commenting hateful opinions to seem superior, but putting his old life on blast in comparison to his new one. Showing off "I've changed" to the world. He made his past the "moron" and the "f*ggot," not someone else.

A part of me also feels jealous in the smallest (and most confusing way) that even though I disliked being shown as the center of his life in videos and writing, it made me feel important even beyond the scope of our relationship. It showed me he remembered me when I so often don't feel remembered by anyone else. But reading his old Deviantart musings about Sophia made me feel that pang of jealousy that I felt when we were together; that someone else was the subject of his intense love at all, at any time period. I've wondered if she knows he's gone, and I wonder if she knows more than I do about the circumstances. J for jealousy.

I was only pivotal because his life was already crumbling and our breakup was the nail in the coffin -- maybe literally, I say as I feel a chill. I don't like thinking of him in the ground. I hope he isn't buried. I don't want him to be in the dark.

I felt so much like I was in a different time when I woke up these past few days. It was so intense that I almost didn't remember how I feel with C. The feelings are totally different: with J, feeling chosen and special, that each day was a gift that grew the longer he kept choosing me, every day, and feeling like I needed to measure up in creative output and insight and learning what I could say or do to captivate someone like him. Feeling like a one-person audience as he strutted his genius under the spotlight, clapping until my hands hurt and hoping he'd notice my sacrifice. Terrified to speak in my own voice, yet knowing the ways I could seem interesting and twisting that around through words: using a top-shelf word or sharing a journal entry from a vulnerable time. Making an "I think" or "I have a theory" statement he could take and add to, a subtle boost to his own ego while embedding myself in it, to where he can't think of anything without thinking of me, too.

Did I know what I was doing? I think I did. I've known since J and beyond what I can do to captivate the people I'm interested in -- at least through words. I can show eagerness with multiple texts, interest in their response to things I share that I also find interesting. I can convey that I value their opinion and stoke their egos. It's formulaic. It's romanticizing the person on the other end and hoping they're romanticizing me, too, while never getting to know the parts where I word-vomit or don't know what to say or don't get the joke.

But with C, I am accepted unconditionally. There's no fight to get attention. I don't feel the same intensity when I am chosen because I am always chosen. I don't have to tiptoe or figure out the right thing to say and get that incredible reward of figuring it out the first time, nor the incredible embarrassment of guessing wrong. There are fewer lowest-lows, so there are fewer highest-highs. It didn't feel like love at first, no love-drunkenness late at night in texts or the stomach-squirm of reading beautiful words that were conjured by a creative mind, but I'm wondering if that love -- that chase -- is really called something else. When you don't suffer for something, it doesn't feel as valuable once you get it, but I don't believe that affects its real, objective value.

I'll never be able to listen to Poles Apart again without throwing up.

Am I C's great love while J was mine? Maybe. It's probably okay that those two don't line up. I hope so. I said elsewhere in 2017 that I wasn’t sure whether I would “just know” or whether marriage would be something I fall into after years have passed, and maybe it’s the latter. It looks good on paper. But I also said that I didn’t think I could love anyone else the same, and so far, that’s been true. That’s been the thing that’s stayed — the intensity. There has to be a better word for it. Just being swallowed up in love; everything else is TV static. Only me and the words on the screen. I just don’t ever want to forget it, so I try to describe it in so many different ways. But after a while, there won’t be any more ways, or the ways I’ve already tried will have distorted it and turned into something other than the truth.

I think S was just J in my head, at least in the beginning. I was sleeping with JtE, mourning my relationship with J, and flirting with S because it felt so much like J still through the words and sexting, sharing loneliness. I didn’t see S as a real person. I couldn’t stop; I just wanted as much attention from as many different people as I could hold. It was new. I could captivate all three. I knew how to take the lonely and passed over and make them feel special so they needed me.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore; just that everything in the future stemmed from J. I wonder if the ripples I’ve left have ever affected anyone the same way J affected me. I wonder if anyone has ever cried over me — cried because I was the one they treasured the approval of. The one who they tried to trick and captivate, too, and maybe I fell for it or maybe I didn’t.

Until another question appears.

[meeklyadmiringgirth]

I've been thinking lately about why my sexual preferences are sexual. I find myself sexually attracted to a lot of things that are drawn by people with a purely non-sexual interest in the subject matter -- and quite frankly, I remember a time when I wasn't sexually attracted to anything. When I was a kid, before I was exposed to the bare internet, I was still intrigued by scenes in cartoons, movies, and games where characters got fat or inflated or whatever. My best guess is that somewhere along the road, this interest became entangled with my developing sexuality; and for some people, it did not. I sometimes envy those who got to feel good about seeing round bellies without the sexual feelings I'm fettered with...

But then there's the dreams.

Everything is entangled in my dreams, and nothing is fettered. There's no content filter, and even a lucid dream is scarcely a customizable experience. Sometimes uncomfortable combinations are made to feel like they weren't combined at all, though they shared the same space and time. Other times, events with no continuity feel like a larger story.

The other night, I dreamt I was exploring a VR world with my brother. In real life, I'd be mortified for him to discover the things I reblog on this account. In the dream, things can't be separated. I couldn't separate the cosiness I felt when trying on a fat avatar from the fun I have when my brother had a new world to show me. It made me feel like I could just relax and enjoy things, no obligation either to separate or follow through on any sexual feelings.

I dreamt that deep in the recesses of the world, there was a library where the seven-story shelves were plastered with the pages of an old comic the world author had made. A plaque: "This is the old stuff, please don't read it." And yet, I could tell that in these hundreds of crudely drawn pages was an epic tale, earnestly written, stored in a secret public space to be seen by all it had mattered to -- clearly, it had mattered quite a lot to some readers.

In a high-ceiling'd camp store that stocked novelty snacks, I dreamt that I was reconnecting with a friend from high school. I knew her before she came out as she, and met with her several times after despite heading off to separate colleges. The dream reminded me of the peculiar phenomenon where I found myself attracted to the exact same face I had previously seen as purely platonic, just because she was female-presenting now. In the dream, it felt like she was going to kiss me. Maybe she did. In the waking world, I don't feel any romantic longing for the lady who already had a girlfriend by the time I found out she was a lady.

My dreams take pieces of feelings, disentangle them from their original context, and re-entangle them with other feeling-pieces and other contexts. (Maybe this is how all dreams work, but I speak here for my own.) Sometimes I feel shame in a dream for finding my phone screen endlessly populated by pregnant women -- reactions are not always so disentangled -- and sometimes I am scared and alone in a place I'd love to be alone and awake in. I'm not ashamed to have strange combinations in my dreams, because it's all just a rearrangement of how I really feel.

I really enjoy when my dreams let me explore my kinks. I get to experience them like a kid again. But I also appreciate that the only consistent connection between the three disparate scenes of the other night's dream was my real, adult desires. Feeling round and soft, being in love, and seeing a silly story earnestly told. It's not so bad having them entangled.

[tallkfandomtome]

Originally posted on previous reblog and then edited out bc I feel like I should have it on my own profile.

10 years ago or so (just turned 30 in sept), I've found a fic in a word doc, nameless. When I read it it was super familiar, and I could've easly forgotten I wrote it. Still, I "corrected some errors" posted it on ffnet, and said in the descrption: I found this on my docs. If its anyones, let me know. I love your wtiting. Or something of the sort. (Already mistake n°1) That was uploaded for like a year. Then I figured after no one recclamied it that was actually something I wrote. Like a dumbass I deleted that description and lo and behold, someone came 1) saying a was a a son of a bitch for stealing someone's work and 2) the actual author.

Ofc I was super embarrased and ashamed. I profusely apologized, took the fic down inmediatly and apologized again. I also made a statement in my bio and said everything that happened, apologizing again.

I think about this still bc I still feel bad. As an actual writer myself, something like this happeining to me would wreck me. The autor was super nice and I truly hope they've forgiven me for it.

They said something, I remember, that really hurt me even, lol, and that is "check if some other of your works are not someone else's and you upload them by mistake as well".

Gosh. It felt awfwl. Bc ofc they would make that assumption. That was the only and last time I would ever do that, but they had no real way of knowing that.. it still stings a bit.

After that ofc I never saved anymore fics in random word docs. But what I'm trying to say is that what JS and these other "creators" do is very different from these stupid, shitty mistakes that can still happen. We are small creators. I never was nor am a famous fic write,nor want to ever be tbh. I write bc i cant help it. Bc even with everything, i love it. I put a lot of effort and time into it (when i'm able to sit down and do it, i mean). Thats why I still feel like shit. Thats why i'm saying all this. This is something that i did and if i could, I would still be apologizing to the author.

JS and the others... dont. They dont care. They feel as if all this is an attack TO them. Its insane and horrible. They have no remorse for these other creators without a popular platform like theirs, who's works they're citing verbatim. That its truly mean and intentional.

If the author reads this by chance, I'm sorry. Hope you're still writing. ♡♡

[wyn-n-tonic]

So, to preface this, I just want to say that this is going to be US based as US based mental healthcare is what I have most experience with utilizing as I've lived here most of my life and I work in mental healthcare as well. I'm sorry I can't give information about other countries but I don't want to give inaccurate information.

Mental healthcare is hard. It is demonized and stigmatized and figuring out where to start is difficult. And even when we find resources, even when we do find that starting point, taking that first jump to ask for help is hard. Asking for help is hard especially if we've spent years being told to toughen up or that other people have it worse or, my personal favorite, it's all in our heads. Of course it's all in our heads, it's in the name!

Our brains can get sick just like any other part of our body and it's nothing to be ashamed of but people make it a shameful thing so... where do we start?

First of all, we need to talk about the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist/therapist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who specializes in mental healthcare and the diagnoses and treatment, including writing prescriptions, of mental illnesses/disorders. A psychologist/therapist is a counsellor who has been trained in talk therapy to help you manage mental health symptoms and improve how you handle stress as well as help you process trauma. There are some states where psychologists can now write prescriptions for medications and you don't need to see a psychiatrist. I don't know have a full list of those states so I suggest you looking up that information for yourself but I will always advocate for seeking out a trained medical professional for medication first and foremost.

With all that being said... let's get to finding a professional for ourselves.

Psychology Today is a great resource and I wish I could tell you how much I utilize this magazine/website in my every day life at work but you would get bored and hate me. But I love them SO MUCH.

They have separate searches for what you're looking for including Psychiatrists and Therapists. They also have searches for telehealth, treatment centers and support groups and while those are not the ones I'll be focusing on they are also super duper helpful.

So, you go into those searches and you input your zipcode and hit search and it brings up the results. But what's really cool and makes this better than just Googling professionals in your area is the way you get to tailor the search results for yourself and it looks like this:

This helps you find somebody you are comfortable working with because if you are not comfortable working with somebody, you will not make progress in your mental healthcare and that is unfair to you.

You can choose what kind of issues you want your therapist to specialize in handling (the list is extensive, I won't be including it here for brevity purposes). You can choose what insurances they take if you are one of the fortunate people in this country to have health insurance and therapy is covered by said insurance. You can choose the gender of the therapist (male, female and nonbinary are options). You can choose the type of therapy they are specialized in administering (CBT, DBT and EMDR are three very popular and common types but they are not the only types nor do they work for everybody). You can choose their age range. And my favorite: Price range. Because price is a big factor in why a lot of us don't seek out mental health help. They have four options, it looks like this:

I always choose less than $90 and that sliding scale option. That means it's based on your income level. Do not ever feel ashamed of clicking the sliding scale option. You can also look for places who have interns working for them. They're in their last semester of training before they start the licensing process and they're usually a lot cheaper. For example: I started with my therapist when she was an intern and she was 20$ per session for me on a sliding scale.

Then there's the more tab where you really get to narrow your search down between ethnicity served, sexuality, language spoken and the faith of the therapist. It looks like this:

Because, again, if we're not comfortable with who we're working with, then we're not going to do very well in our healing. Not only do we want professionals who know what they're doing, we want professionals who empathize and sympathize with us as well, who might have experience with what we've gone through ourselves. Tailoring the search results and finding a professional who meets you where you are is so important.

Then comes the really hard part of actually making phone calls but, honestly, email works great too if you have anxiety about talking on the phone. I reached out to a few therapeutic practices and just put myself on a couple of waitlists. It cost nothing and they move super fast. When you come off a waitlist and find a therapist you're comfortable working with, just politely email the other organizations and let them know so they can move somebody else up on their list. I have never experienced a professional being mad nor have I ever been mad at somebody taking themselves off the waitlist. Mental health professionals want you to get the help you need and the help you're comfortable with and if you found somebody before somebody else can help you, that is fantastic and we will genuinely wish you the best. Because we want the best for you.

This is not an exhaustive guide by any means but I hope it's helpful. Please feel free to reblog, please feel free to add on some other resources you know of. If you have already made or you decide to make a similar post for another country, please let me know and I'll be super happy to reblog it because Tumblr isn't an American only space and mental healthcare is not an American only need.

[swiftieloversdaylight]

Hey, everyone. I know this is long, but I would really appreciate you reading this, even for like a second, and reblogging. I've had a real roller coaster of a semester and I think it's gotten to the point where I really just need to vent to my fellow swifties. And, to be honest, I just wanna tell you guys more about myself.

So, my parents were immigrants. They came to England to study their PhD and my sister came with them (she was 6). I was actually born here though, in Sheffield. I live in Manchester now because I study pharmacy at uni. Living as immigrants was really hard for my parents because they would often be made to feel like outsiders and it was harder for them to engage properly with people. They went from a bustling, busy, social life to a place where they felt completely alone. Other than that, we had a lot of financial issues, and still do. People who have money often don't appreciate just how demoralising and difficult it is to live without it. At school, I would often be bullied about it. 'You're poor', 'your mum is weird', 'why does your mum wear a headscarf?', 'why don't you have a car? Why don't you have a nintendo? Why are you brown? Where are you from? Why are you poor?'

It was really, really hard. It was hard for me to blend in because of the fact I was Iranian and I had different food and a different culture. I would sometimes feel ashamed of my background and my parents. But I also knew how hard it was for them and hated myself for feeling that way. It was a lot for an 8-year old to deal with. At the same time I was trying really hard to do what all the posh kids were doing. I got reimbursed for music and swimming lessons. I learnt to play the flute and piano and music quickly became my passion. It was a way for me to escape all the torment. I was entitled to free school meals at school and some of the other kids would not let me forget it. I felt embarrassed and really alone. I could trust nobody other than my very close friends. They were the only ones whose approval I didn't have to fight for by acting more 'white'.

When I was 9, my dad moved back to Iran for work reasons. My mum and dad are still together, but they had to live apart. This put pressure on all of us. It was also a tough loss for me because my dad and I were so close.

It was around this time I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD. I exhibited a lot of different symptoms and the played around with what it might be. They later realised that I have something called BPD. Getting through the years was rough.

But there were also some really great things that happened. I got really into my music and started to compose pieces. I got into acting and singing in plays and stuff. I joined an orchestra on a bursary and played for them. I was part of an engineering team in sixth form and we worked with engineers to create some awesome tech. And then I got into uni! Pharmacy is a really hard degree and can be so hard to enjoy sometimes.

Then over summer, something bad happened. It has taken a lot of courage to speak out about this.

I was abused my lab supervisor on a placement. This was crushing and triggered one of the worst mental breakdowns of my lifetime. Over the past 6 months, I experienced extreme depression, panic attacks, OCD and agaraphobia. I was withdrawn. I didn't know what to do. At one point I even tried to kill myself. It was awful.

But I will say this: during this really dark time, I joined tumblr. I knew there was a swiftie community, but I'm a bit of a grandma so I came late to the game. But then I saw a lot of people with similar stories, all supporting each other, and Taylor supporting them. Maybe by stanning Taylor I am trying to fill a hole in my life. But, honestly, I have met so many incredible people online. I don't have instagram or twitter, so this is mainly where I come for swiftie stuff. And, actually, it's lovely.

Taylor's music has really been a comfort to me since I was a child and I love her so much for it. 'Mean' was a song I often listened to after a bad day. 'Ours' made me feel so warm because I felt like Taylor was one of the only people in the world who wouldn't put me down for my ethnicity or economic background. I love her so much.

And thank you to all my online friends! You are amazing. Special thank you to @emilyandelissaswift for being so kind and thoughtful. You have lifted me up in the worst of times and I am so so happy we met. Thank you @miellekingsleigh for sharing my story. Thank you thank you thank you. I really do think things are looking up.

I really do believe that I am on the road to healing. ❤

Thank you @taylorswift

You really are a gem x

Please please reblog! Thank you xx

[angiekurosaki]

It has been a while since my last vent post, so here I go again 🙃.

Currently, I don't have much energy to post here or to reblog things 😕 my pile of 'likes' to which I keep saying myself I will eventually get back to read better just keeps increasing and increasing (so, if I liked your fanfiction and I didn't reblog it, it was because I was gonna get back to it but I haven't!)

Anyway. I've been trying to deal with my anxiety and depression as always. Last year, I saw a psychiatrist from another city via online, but in the end it didn't seem to help a lot or feel it was actually working. My last appointment with him was in January, since then, I just continued taking the last antidepressant he prescribed me, it didn't help me radically but made possible for me to get through the next day.

Of course, I was worried I was taking meds without supervision so, last month I went to a new doctor that just arrived to the city.

No need to say that I just kept rearranging and delaying the appointment until last minute because honestly, going through the process of seeing a new doctor and explaining things is fucking exhausting. Most of times, it feels pointless too, and, of course, one single appointment is super expensive.

Nevertheless, I went. At the beginning, I felt quite relaxed, the new doctor asked me lots of questions, which was good! I guess The previous doctors didn't pay a lot of attention to that. I tried to answer in the best way possible, but sometimes he just kept pushing me to give a straight answer but that's not always possible for me! I think doctors need to understand that 'I don't know' is a valid response because it's the true way you feel.

When he asked me what my goals in life are or any kind of thing I want to accomplish I said that idk. And that's true, because honestly, I have no ambitions in the sense of 'wow i wanna become a manager'... but he seemed super surprised (in a bad way) that at my age I haven't figured that... so yeah, I'm kind of ashamed for that. But how could you make a plan to achieve something in your life when you have barely survived the whole time? Anyway, you know, most of the stuff you talk with a psychiatrist is shameful.

Even if I liked the beginning of the appointment, in the end, I kind of felt like he didn't take into account the whole context I'm in (financial problems, existencial crisis, capitalism, the fact that we are witnessing how resources are running out and how this fucking island which I live in is watching its sea levels increasing, inflation, prices going up, temperatures increasing too, etc).

I was a little bit disappointed and surprised because he didn't order any blood test or something like that. I told him that my last tests were years ago and I was expecting to know if I have anemia but I guess that for him, my problems were definitely mental and not physical?

I also mentioned that I'd like to know if I'm in the autism spectre, or it's just that some symptoms overlap with anxiety/depression. This is a genuine thought I've had for some time and I think that I would benefit to know if I'm in the spectre or not. It could explain many things in my behaviour...

After softly laughing (not sure how I shoud have understood that), he replied 'yeah, sure it's better to be tested' but he didn't gave me straightforward answer to that ????.

In the end, he mostly focused on my ocd and I feel like he diminished my depression. Even when I explained that my former diagnosis was dysthymia and that at least that part felt accurate. I was like, dude idk it seems like my depression is a great thing to take into account.

He prescribed Luvox (fluvoxamine) which is a med used especially for ocd, along alprazolam for my anxiety, but given that I was still taking escitalopram, he advised me to take just half of that pill in order to allow my body to stop being used to the previous pill. Honestly, idk if he just gave me Luvox because he had some free samples laying over there in his office 😒 (btw they expired in upcoming 2 days but according to him it doesn't matter and they were safe to consume). Yeah, he gave me about to expired free samples (?). [Context: sometimes you are gifted free samples of a med]

Other details of that appointment: he told me there IS difference between buying a generic pill vs a brand med in case of antidepressants and that I should have been taking the brand ones all this time... But those are super expensive!!! For instance, Luvox costs around 1,000 mexican pesos!

Given the reason that he said I DO have a lot issues (thanks, I guess), but everything sums up as generalized anxiety disorder, he recommended cbt therapy which is obvious a good option. Unfortunately, and as you know, therapy is super expensive and not affordable for every person, and we (family&me) are basically living day by day; so, as you can understand I can't just pay~ for therapy. Also, thinking about doing any kind of exposure therapy for my phobias scares me.

The (first) previous month with that doctor went with the hope of getting better.

You know, I think it's fair to say that since the beginning of the pandemic everything went downhill for me and my family. And it hurts you know? It hurts so much. It's painful to see how we struggle.

So, I went last week for a second appointment with that psychiatrist, and idk, I felt 'bruh'. He told me that it's surprising that the new med hadn't already worked and if that's the case, I should start new meds the next time. And I'm not gonna do that. I'm tired of switching meds, can't afford it either... I once again asked about the possibility of getting tested for autism but he said that '#1 getting diagnosed for autism as an adult is super difficult and #2 that I shouldn't 'look' for more issues in myself'... Does that imply that I'm making up all of this? If so, that's not a sign of anxiety? Hypervigilence or something like that? According to him, the fact that I do have the desire to have friends and socialize even if I can't now due to my anxiety, it's a sign of not having autism. Wanting to have friends is exclusive of neurotypicals??

At this point idk if I'm super defensive with doctors in general, but hold on, how I'm not supposed to feel that way if they are used to ignore illnesses and have zero empathy? (talking in general)

He also told me that maybe my problems and isssues were emotional and psychological (what a surprise🙄) and that I shouldn't expect for the pills to fix me. But dudeeee the only thing I'm expecting is to be a somewhat functional human being. Maybe I'm craving that 'high happiness' that I got the very first time I tried meds years ago that allowed me to see hope, clarity and happiness around me, that allowed me to believe people loved me and give me the energy to dance a funky song. But of course, I can't say that because the doctor would think I'm just wanna be drugged... Not sure if I explained that well...

I don't know if I just need to have more appointments with that psychiatrist to trust him or maybe because he's very young he is somewhat inexperienced in some mental illnesss. Idk what i'm talking about anymore.

In conclusion, idk friend... Idk... I just know that life hasn't been treating us fair to me and my family. Being poor difficults life so much *sigh*. And you would say 'why don't just get a job?' I wish it were that easy.

For real, I feel unable to hold a job, idk why. Please, believe me when I say it's not because I'm lazy. I swear it. Physically, the mental pressure I feel about the thought of working for 8 hours approx, for six days a week in my context (my city/country basically normalizes bad work conditions and work abuse) seems overwhelming. For example, this year I only worked for 1 month approx (which is super embarrasing) as a teacher at an elementary school but the conditions were terrible!!! I didn't even have social security neither I was legally working. They didn't formally hire me in order to evade taxes 😒. One colleage there got covid while working and was sent home without sick leave, this means she didn't get paid those days. In summary, I didn't have worker rights established by law. Did I mention that I was paid LESS that others that began working the same day as me (I was earning minimun wage!!! But I was 'hired' as a bilingual teacher! Can you believe it? Not to mention that I was expected to be speaking in English 100% of time for the children because yeah it was a private school with a mentality of 'parents pay, parents are entitled to order). Lots of problems there, so I quit, but seeing how all my ex classmates are working and overall doing great just makes me feel miserable.

Btw, I just formally received my degree!! Which should be super importand, I should feel proud because I know how much I struggled to get it and how hard I studied, but at the same time I don't feel motivated to celebrate it. My sister and my mom said we should at least go to eat outside but I refused because I know how much we struggle to make ends meet.

Also, I feel super dumb because my abilities at speaking English had become rusty and it's super embarrasing for me, who once were a top student. I don't believe I can do well at English anymore. Actually, writing this post (in a language I'm not native in) is not easy right know.

*Sigh*

Reading fanfiction used to make me happy, maybe my unhealthy coping mechanism, but honestly, I don't feel that much excited anymore about anything. I mean, yeah sometimes I read ff but it doesn't hit the same anymore. Maybe I'm just numb. Or maybe it is just that I can't seem to focus properly to read or even watch a damn movie.

I keep saying 'when I get better I will watch this show and this movie, etc' but it just doesn't happen. And at this point I don't know at what extent it's mental/emotional illness/distress or what is just a product of measuring people's worth based on productivity due to capitalism™...

Anyway. I'm trying myself really hard to just grow up and get a job and accept that we live in a society™~.

Heavens, just let me have a job I don't mind doing that helps me get some money.

The fact that many of our problems would solve if we were rich enough to treat our health speaks volumes about the current society 😢

[vicsdeangelis]

i created a sideblog and starting being active in Tumblr fandom for the first time bc of må. i decided i could no longer lurk in silence with a few reblogs to my main every once and a while and try to just be normal about how i like them, i made an entire sideblog that now has a few hundred followers. i've made friends with a few people that I like to talk to and overall the past year on here has been super great. like many other fans, i have lost a lot of interest and momentum for må. even though I dont really like them anymore i feel like i HAVE to keep up with them. it's like some kind of fear of missing out. like if i don't know what they're still up to then I'm gonna miss out and i won't know and it'll be lost to time (even though I know there are many great update accounts archiving these things without my doing) i feel like of i dont know everything then i know nothing. Even though knowing everything has been determent to me and my mental health at times. As it turns out, I do better causally stanning someone/something. These past two weeks where they haven't been performing have actually been great for me bc I haven't been forcing myself to keep up with them even though I don't want to keep up with them as intensly as I do. I don't know whats wrong with me. I have tried to talk to my therapist about it and can only do so in the vaguest of terms bc I am so embarrassed that this has effected me the way it has.

i feel you on the last part, trying to be so careful with what you say to your therapist because you're ashamed and scared they might judge you. i'm not gonna tell you not to do that because that would be highly hypocritical of me. what i hope is that you are able to find a way to talk about it without giving more information than you're comfortable with and your therapist manages to help you feel better

and i also understand this borderline addiction. up untill recently i had an ig account where i archived their ig stories, but i have since deleted it and honestly, i feel better

i get not wanting to lose something, specially something you've dedicated do much time and so much of yourself for. maybe try staying away from tumblr for a bit? or from the fandom, if that's the specific issue

when i was going Through It (one of the many times), i had to unfollow some mutuals, even tho i really like them, because seeing their writing (the fact that they were able to write, more specifically) made me so upset. i followed them again after i felt better

you come first. doesn't matter how much you love the band or how much you love what they used to be and still want to cling to that, you have to put yourself first

i can't make you do anything regarding your blog, all i can do is hope you heal from this and feel better, regardless of what you choose to do

[anodyne-sunflower]

I've debated doing this for a while now

But, after receiving so many messages and asks asking for advice on this or that, I think the best I can offer you all is a story. And whatever lessons, or knowledge or whatever you want to take from it…is yours. I hope in some way it helps you.

All I ask, is that you do not reblog. A lot of you tend to reblog my stuff before reading it lol so if you accidentally do well…try and delete it. I know regardless this story is still out there but just for my own tiny comfort, no reblogs. I’m not gonna go into every single detail of my life. As that’s not something you guys need in your heads, but I’ll explain the gist of it.

***

My parents divorced when I was 9, they argued a lot when I was a kid, and my dad did drink often. I’m assuming because of everything piling on. The reasons behind their divorce are their own and I won’t share them because that’s their personal history, not mine to tell. Needless to say, I was expecting it. Even at a young age I just knew something wouldn’t last. I grew more closed off, and my brother grew more rebellious. As children do during these times.

I learned I had to grow up fast, because custody battles suck, and being a teenager and growing up through all that is tiring. Parents, even if their heart is in the right place sometimes, can guilt trip. It’s a horrible feeling, and you love them both so you try and figure out what to do but you’re also a kid and that’s not your responsibility to carry. That’s my background. I developed mild anxieties from it, but nothing awful.

Then I graduated high school, and started college and thought ‘yay new beginning’. I met some wonderful people and even my best friend there. But, I also met the boy that would cause me such pain that taking my own life actually seemed plausible to me.

I was 19, young, and even though I know I’m a smart person, when you’re young it’s inevitable that you’ll be naive sometimes.

This boy, I had him for a class, and he started talking to me. I never had any romantic experience before, and he was cute so I liked him. But, my own insecurities kept me from dating him that whole semester. Next semester came and I had him for the next level course and long story short he wore me down and we started dating. At this time, I lived by myself in an apartment off campus. An hour away from my parents. Within weeks of dating him, he changed from the sweet guy I met, to a controlling, angry, cruel person. I found out he had a girlfriend back home when I confronted him all he had to say was “yeah.” As if I asked him the time of day. My naive self decided to stay with him still. I wish I could give a good reason, but I can’t. I just did.

A few days later he would take my virginity by force, in an awful way. Even writing this now feels weird. But, it’s what happened. And the only thing that made me cope, was that I told myself at least I knew him. Sick as it sounds, it was the only thing that somewhat helped me deal with it. Because I need that one thing, to keep me grounded and keep me sane. And he would continue to take by force the entire time we were together. Our relationship got worse, threats, verbal abuse, physical. And this entire time, I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my friends. I turned to absolutely no one and the only reason why, was because I was ashamed.

Ashamed that someone as strong and mature as me could allow myself to let this happen. I blamed me. And I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Because in my head they would be disappointed in me, and I thought that was something I couldn’t handle. I stayed with him for 4 months. And the only happiness I take from that, is I was strong enough to leave after such a short time. There are many who stay in abusive relationships because they’re frightened, rightly so.

I didn’t tell anyone about him, until 3 years later. Because at that point I had no choice. I went in a binge, I was taking pills I shouldn’t have been taking, I was depressed, anxious, and insomnia just took over. Everything felt uncontrollable for me. But, years later and I still couldn’t tell my parents why. My boyfriend at the time tried to help, but it was too much for him. And I don’t blame him at all for leaving. I do blame him for other dumb shit, but not this. Sorry…trying to throw in some humor.

Right..so, my life felt empty then. And I was mad at myself for so many things, and when I actually tried to get help, the psychiatrists just stared at me, then wrote down a prescription. Pills weren’t what I wanted or needed, I felt like no one could help me, and as against suicide as I am, I actually contemplated it a few times because what else was there. Then I broke down, and told my mom after a visit to the psychiatrist. She was angry (justified in my opinion) mainly at him, but also because I never asked for help. And it hurt her to know that while she was only an hour away, her daughter was being hurt and she couldn’t do anything about it. I’ll stop there. But, I want you all to think about some things.

When tragic things happen, they can’t be prevented. They’re going to happen, and how we deal with them is our choice. We get to decide. Life is unfortunately not fair to us all, and that’s okay. We live and learn that way. I want you to remember that people can certainly effect us, but they can’t get the final say on who we choose to become. And they can only hurt you as much as you let them. I chose not to let what he did to me continue to cause me pain in my life. I had a life to live, and he wasn’t going to take control of that. I could move on, and I could be happy. Taking my life, thinking of that now just makes me want to cry because all you have to do is look at the faces of the ones you love, your pets, family, friends, whoever. I can’t begin to imagine seeing them in pain.

Just know, that no matter how strong you are, no matter how smart, that does not make us immune to bad things. We can all suffer harsh moments in our lives. Rich, poor, it doesn’t matter. But, that doesn’t mean we have to suffer it everyday. Things can and do get better. You just have to give it a chance.

If any of you ever need to talk, I’m here, and I’ll certainly be as honest about anything.

Thanks for listening.

And many of you are still growing, hell we all are, but don't ever feel like you're alone. I'm not your parent, or even your best friend, but if you need to vent by all means, go ahead. That's what I'm here for. I won't vent to you because I'm an adult and my problems are not meant to be dealt with by youngin's lol but regardless, I'm here.