#also HOLY FUCK the passage of time should be outlawed

[an-asuryampasya]

feeling some sort of way about discovering that a song, which has often been stuck in my head over the years, was probably first heard by me in 2009.

(2009!)

The two lines currently playing in my head as a 20-something year old were the same two lines that kid-me heard in a theatre back in 2009. the same tune, really, since I never did catch the lyrics of the second line, and so I've instead been humming it intermittently all these years. I've never looked up the lyrics or sought out the rest of song in my entire life because humming that bit, vaguely remembering the film that it's from exists, and then moving on with my life was how kid-me decided to deal with the earworm, and future-me has deferred to that policy unquestioningly ever since.

(Just, so much of me and my life has changed over these years, but this snippet of a song that I remember little else of has been a regular mild annoyance shared by all the different versions of me I've been since then.)

I don't want to look up the lyrics now, though I can. Because I've felt nostalgia, regret, fondness, and so many different emotions about my younger self, but this is the first time I can remember feeling kinship for every version of me that grumbled about this song getting stuck in my head again, ugh.

(There are, of course, a lot of things past-me and today-me share. But usually when I think about them, it's because I'm celebrating my growth and progress in handling the big things in healthier ways, or bemoaning set backs in dealing with my anxiety or something. Never have I felt this amusement at my unaltered and consistent reaction to something.)

So yeah, I think I know what to call that feeling now. Kinship. With every version of myself so far that has gotten mildly annoyed with this particular earworm, the exact same way I do today.

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 3 - Ball Is Life

In which things get progressively gayer, Neil has a boner over Orange Sportsball, Andrew’s Serious Issues™ continue and youth alcoholism has never looked this good.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

           Neil spotted the Foxhole Court long before they made it onto the stadium parking lot. Built to seat sixty-five thousand fans, it’d been placed on the outskirts on campus.

SIXTY-FIVE THOUSAND WHAT. To put this into perspective, the three biggest stadiums currently used in American lacrosse seat 30,000 (Harvard Stadium, Boston Cannons/Harvard Crimson), 34,000 (Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, Chesapeake Bayhawks) and 70,000 (Sports Authority Field at Mile High, Denver Outlaws).

It should look something like this (the Hard Rock Stadium in Miami, used in football, seating exactly 65,000):

And that’s the seating capacity for a shitty Exy team.

What the fuck. I’m beginning to realise that this sport may be bigger than I initially thought.

           Neil went up to the fence and stared through it at the outer grounds. (…) It made every hair on his body stand on end, and his heartbeat echoing in his ears sounded like an Exy ball rebounding off a court wall.

This is some Oliver Wood type of sportsball obsession, holy shit. Calm down, hombre.

(Will I make a Harry Potter reference every single chapter? Probably.)

And now, things get good:

           “What’d your girlfriend get you [for your birthday]?”

           Neil looked at him. “What?”

           “Come on, cute face like yours has to have a girlfriend.”

Okay, first I freaked out over this because he’s canonically cute omg this is the best th-

And then this happens.

           “Unless you swing my way, of course, in which case please tell me now and save me the trouble of having to figure it out.”

NICKY I LOVE YOU. YOUR ASS HAS JUST BEEN INSTANTLY PROMOTED TO SECOND FAVE.

Canon gay people!! I expected this but still!! This is chapter three and we’ve already got canon gay people!!

Am I biased because of my own queerness? Totally. Ya girl loves herself some good representation.

But hold on, my friends! This masterpiece of a scene isn’t done yet!

           Neil stared at him, wondering how Nicky could care about such things when the stadium was right there.

I am HOWLING. This may be the best sentence in this entire chapter.

BALL IS LIFE. BALL IS LOVE.

Neil has priorities, you guys.

           “I don’t swing either way,” Neil said. “Let’s go in.”

           “Bullshit,” Nicky said.

           “I don’t,” Neil said, and impatience put an edge in his voice. It wasn’t quite the truth, but it was close enough.

Spoiler alert: He’s demisexual, tumblr (and certain demisexual friends) have told me this as I got it wrong in my powerpoint slideshow post. Sorry about that.

S/o to all my demisexual peeps, and s/o to Nora Sakavic for representation beyond the usual. ❤

           The majority of the pictures looked like they’d been taken by one of the Foxes themselves. These were scattered anywhere they could fit and held up by tape.

Where is the Foxes’ snapchat I need to see it.

Nicky probably uses the Fox filter all the time. Andrew probably hits him for it.

           Exy was a co-ed sport, but few colleges wanted women in their lines. According to Fox lore, Palmetto State refused to approve any of the women Wymack asked for his first year.

*effie trinket voice* That is MISOGYNY!

           Nicky tapped the faces in the closest photograph. “Dan, Renee and Allison. Dan’s good people, but she’ll work you to the bone. Allison’s a catty bitch you should avoid at all costs. Renee’s a sweetheart. Be nice to her.”

Yet another quote I fucking knew by heart before even starting the books. Y’all really aren’t very creative in finding captions for your grunge-y pastel moodboards.

Also, if Renee is such a sweet soft angel (which is pointed out again later, so I believe it), the fuck is she doing with the Foxes? Has she killed a man with kindness? Am intrigued. When do we meet this murderous snowflake.

Next up, they enter the actual stadium and Neil proceeds to have the Biggest Sports Boner Ever over the court.

I can’t quote here because this description goes on for two pages, but I would like to point out that this is one of the most well-written passages of the book so far. I had the scene play in my head like a film, lights flooding the stadium, Neil imagining what it would look like flooded with people caught up in thrill of a game, his longing to play this court even if it will cost him his freedom. Chapeau, Miss Sakavic.

Also damn. And they said Kevin is the obsessed one.

(Cue generic “enemies discover they have more in common than initially thought and overcome their differences by playing sports together and become close friends” trope.)

(I apologize for calling this generic. I love it.)

           “Satellites can pick these [windbreakers] up in outer space,” [Neil] said.

           Nicky laughed at that. “Dan commissioned them her first year here. She said she was tired of everyone trying to look past us.”

Nicky laughs, my skin is cleared, my crops are growing and an angel gets his wings.

Also I will present this Dan with the Best Captain Ever Award instantly when we meet her.

           “You know we donate a portion of our ticket sales to charity? Our tickets cost a little more than anyone else’s because of that. Renee’s idea. Told you she’s pure gold.”

WE HAVE FOUND THE SECOND HUFFLEPUFF THIS IS NOT A DRILL. RENEE LET ME LOVE YOU.

And now it’s Orange Sportsball time!

           “Is Kevin not going to play today?”

           Nicky looked surprised that he’d ask. “Kevin only tolerates our court under two conditions: Alone, or with Andrew on it.”

Ah yes, thank you for reminding me, I had momentarily forgotten what level of EXTRA Kevin is on.

           “Thank you,” Neil said belatedly.

           “Huh? Oh no. Don’t worry about it. You can make it up to me some other time when the others aren’t around.”

           “Can you try and get ass when I’m not standing right here?” Aaron asked.

I thank our otherworldly overlords every day for the comedic gay blessing that is Nicky Hemmings.

           “If you take German as your elective here, just let me know and I’ll tutor you. I’m good with my tongue.”

For fuck’s sake, keep it in your goddamned pants.

Or, as Germans would say: Jetzt ist nicht der richtige Zeitpunkt, den Lörres reinzuhämmern, mein Freund. #erstmaldlrh

Also, is this Erik guy for real? He sounds p irrelevant. 10 bucks says they’re gonna break up.

They play a beautiful game of Orange Sportsball, Neil gets a glimpse of happiness (yay), and on their way out they are greeted by Kevin being Mad and Extra.

           Kevin got right in his face and tangled his fingers through the netting on Neil’s racquet. (…)

          “Forget the stadium. Forget the Foxes and your useless high school team and your family. See it the only way it really matters, where Exy is the only road to take. What do you see?”

          [bla bla long sequence in which Neil ponders on the fact that Exy is Everything™]

          “You,” Neil said at last.

          “Tell me I can have your game.”

          It wouldn’t do them any good, but Neil wasn’t going to get into that. “Take it.”

          “Neil understands,” Kevin said.

*”enemies discover they have more in common than initially thought and overcome their differences by playing sports together and become close friends” trope intensifies*

Do people ship those two? Because I can totally see that happening.

Speaking of shipping: Andrew is back!

           [Andrew] scooped the whiskey up and twisted the lid off.

          (…) “About time you stopped that, don’t you think? Abby’s going to beat me senseless if she realizes you’ve been drinking.”

          “Doesn’t sound like my problem,” Andrew said with a brilliant smile.

Daamn Andrew, back at it again with the youth alcoholism!

I’m not kidding though, manic Andrew scares me so much more than soulless Andrew did. I want my murder son back, not this fake-cheery, Joker rip-off version.

I’m temporarily comforted as we are reminded that Wymack is, in fact, the Best Person Ever:

           “Showers aren’t communal here. Coach put in stalls when he built the stadium. The board wouldn’t pay for it – they didn’t see the point – so it came out of Coach’s own pocket.”

LET ME LOVE YOU, YOU WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING.

Andrew makes fun of Neil for wanting to shower in privacy and for having a beat up body, Neil freaks out, yadda yadda, go die in a fire, you manic asshole.

Also, I know this isn’t what’s meant here, but I’m really liking the idea of trans!Neil. Scars on his torso? Always showers in privacy? Changed his identity and his name? Just saying.

They then drive over to Abby’s house, who also immediately claims a place in my too-big heart:

           “David? Shut up and make sure the vegetables aren’t boiling over. Kevin, check the bread. It’s in the oven. Nicky, table. Aaron, help him. Andrew Joseph Minyard, that better not be what I think it is.”

What. A. Mom.

For the record: I’m chipping in with Nicky’s betting pot as well. Those two have skipped long past the boning zone, straight into actual married couple land.

Everyone gathers round and eats some lasagna like the wonderful dysfunctional family that they are. Yay. Now I want some lasagna.

(Note to self: Do not read before dinner.)

Then, Neil is taken to his new home by Coach Wymack, and Nora Sakavic gets childhood abuse trauma spot on once again:

           Getting in the car alone with [Wymack] was the hardest thing Neil had done all day. Andrew was crazy, but Neil had an ingrained distrust of men old enough to be his father. He spent the entire ride frozen and silent in the passenger seat.

Kudos.

However, of course, Wymack is totally undeserving of distrust as he is the Best Person Ever, Coach of Champions, Owner of My Heart.

           “Use what you need, and take what you want from the kitchen. It’ll piss me off more if you act like a skittish stray cat than it will if you eat the last bowl of cereal.”

Happy sigh.

Nicki out.