#also CC and I didn’t agree to be monogamous so I’m debating meeting up with the shitty guy for drinks

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Wow ok it’s actually so crazy seeing someone who is “normal” (no substance abuse, good relationship with family, steady job, friendly, not ran thru lmao) and consistent (makes plans with me, I don’t have any doubt he likes me) .. this is a first for me. I really only date avoidant or love bomber men. I’m still seeing the guy from Charley Crockett. We don’t text a lot, he shows up, he’s told me he likes me, we have fun in person, I met his friends. We kind of had a check in where we were like OK we both like eachother but not in a spot to put labels on it - we didn’t say if we weren’t seeing other people. Just agreed we’re really enjoying our time and taking it slow. That we’ll check in again if we’re still doing this in a few months. I’ve been in two LTR (5 years and 3.5 years) and his longest is 6 months. When I asked him about it he just said he’s never dated anyone he could see a relationship with - until now. It’s the first time I’ve ever had this convo with a man and it was mutually brought up out of genuine interest from both parties, not insecurity, and I don’t feel like his answers were lies. We were both just being honest. That we do like eachother and it’s genuine but we’re still seeing what we want - but not in a bad way.

And for the first time ever this convo didn’t freak me out. I’m actually okay taking it slow, bc he hasn’t given me a reason to think otherwise (… yet, I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop). Normally I’m pushing the “what are we doing” convo (if we’ve been “dating” not just having sex) bc the man has me STRESSED out and I know he’s seeing other people and his love bombing / bread crumbing keeps me hooked. Makes me feel like I’m not good enough and if I could just get them to choose me, it would make me feel whole (this is false I know). So to have this convo with CC guy .. and genuinely feel okay and be like cool can’t wait to keep knowing you and figuring this out feels so weird. I do have a mental block about entering a monogamous defined relationship w/ him though bc I do NOT want kids and he seems undecided. But that’s something I’ll revisit if we’re still doing this in November.

It’s also so insane to be seeing someone where the relationship isn’t based around sex. Like we actually hang out. I am very out of my element. I think I am honestly also just used to seeing men that frankly don’t respect me. Or I choose men that I immediately see they have 10,000 red flags so it gives me a false sense of control bc I’m like “cool I could never be in a relationship with you but I could fuck you so now I’m in a safe zone where my feelings aren’t involved”. And sex with CC isn’t what I normally am used to but I think it’s bc he respects me??? Lmao. Like I’m used to starting with crazy sex and building the relationship backwards. Not starting with dating and then building the sexual relationship.

We went on another date last week and I brought up that sometimes I can’t read him bc I’m a physical touch person and he doesn’t initiate and he was like “oh my god I’m physical touch too, I’m just not trying to be too forward or disrespectful bc I’m getting to know you” and I was like 💀 damn am I the problem.

Anyways; TLDR, seeing someone nice, consistent, not a love bomber for the first time ever. I’m out of my element bc it’s not triggering my dopamine receptors by love bombing and yanking attention away. My nervous system feels very regulated. I don’t have to send his texts to a panel of judges to interpret. He’s just nice and I like him. I’ve been avoiding posting this too thinking it may jinx me but. What’s meant for me won’t pass me by, I guess.