#also *for me* it'll be beautiful if Aziraphale would be angry with Crowley for leaving and not with himself for asking at all

[tenok]

The point (one of them) is that both Aziraphale and Crowley actually think they the smartest one in any given situation. And since I relate to Aziraphale much more today I get fixated on his brand of superiority. He starts his journey with rebellion from pretty tame "I don't get why they makes this desisions and it's look horrible on surface evel but I'm sure that they get best ineterests of everyone involved in their hearts and it's probably me the one that didn't get some oblivious detail" to "oh okay I'm sure it's some kind of misundestanding and we can all talk it out as adults because we there work on same goals" to frustrated "they won't ever listen to me and I will get in trouble for arguing and it will be better for everyone if I will make my desisions in secret and go behind their backs because I just can't let THEM make desisions that will destroy everything". It's not straightforward, I'm 30 and still circulate sometimes between "what if it's me the one that wrong aout everything" and "god HOW people can be THAT stupid", but I remember going throught this stages first as good and obedient kid with really stupid parents making stupid desisions and later with school, govermnet, activist spaces etc.

And the problem is, I was the smartest person in the room enough time to develop issues, and Aziraphale lives like his for 6000 years at least. I can only imagine how many times he thought "if only Starmaker listen to me and didn't Fall", "if only God listened to me and didn't make an Apocalypse happen", "if only Heavens listened to me and didn't did this or that that thing", "if only Crowley listen to me and understand in what kind of danger we can get", "if only that human listened to me and haven't dig the body", etc etc. It's awful, to be the one who always gets to say "I told you so", especially when there's such awful consequenses you can't even feel satisfaction, and you will be the one to clen this mess up (and Aziraphae will clean, or better try to prevent). Now, it's of course leads to issues. BIG issues.

1) It's really hard to stop being plotting and maciavellian and communicate things properly when you expect that person will at best argue with you, at worst punish you and double down on their stupid desisons and you will clean this mess up. It also really hard to stop trying to control everything because you already accepted that everything is your responsibility and everyone else would just make things worse. (as someone that relates to Aziraphale I think he did so much progress there, the levels or trust he shows Crowley are amazing for two beings that probably last time heard of psychotherapy when Freud was alive. but such trust is fragile thing, one misstep and you back on your "it will be better if I do everything alone" bullshit. I'm not saying it's good. I'm also not saying that it's bad. it's just how things work)

2) It makes you overstep other people authonomy, because, again, it would be better for everyone if they did what you think best for them. It works funny wih Aziraphale because yes he's all for free choices for humanity!! NOW GO AND DO SMART CHOICES DAMN YOU!!! WHY YOU DON'T PICK THE THING THAT WOULD BE SMART TO PICK I HATE YOU ALL. That's where me and Aziraphale difer a little because at least I somewhat good at stepping into other people shoes and understand why they do what they do. But angel there is autistic (or bad at this specific thing for other reasons), so I think when people he consider reasonable doesn't agree with him for their own reasons he ge's really baffled, like, there arE correct opinion and it's mine, WHY are you being difficult?? to spite me?? And I'm sure that half of the reason why Aziraphale's so comfortable with Crowley is that he perfectly happy to let him buly or manipulate him into doing things Aziraphale picks as right. Usually Crowley know where pick his battles and how to play long game to make Aziraphale agree for really important stuff he wants from him, but otherwise? Sure he will complain how he hates Hamlet but they will watch Hamlet, and Aziraphale will be very pleased with himself. (and than there goes final fifteen and we back at "but WHY won't ypu agree with thing I pick or us IT'S GOOD AND RESONABLE THING" and we should be happy that consent is something that imporant for our angel ok? he would be angry with Crowley for picking wrong but he won't make him do what he doesn't want. they respect each other like that.)

3) It makes you really really tired and tense. You control everything, unfortunately the longer you do it the more things starts really depedend on you, you can't let go, you don't know anyone that can share this burden with you because first they should prove that they won't blow his up and for this you should share at least something with them, but what is they would blow it up? Better be safe than sorry. And look when it's my problems it's credit cards and doctor appointmens and with Aziraphale we talk about people dying. Crowley dying. Now, as I said, he actually shows Crowley so. much. trust. for someone with such issues. Because Crowley was there for 6000 years, and he proved himself capable enough times. But still there's areas where let go and not worry would be impossible for Aziraphale, Crowley's safety being one of such things (you see, you can risk with your life when you deal with your problems because whatever you will clean shit up if needed, but if someone close to you hurt themself?? it's YOUR problem too but it will be SO MUCH HARDER to clean. I think when Aziraphale points to Crowley that hell would be harder on him than he can expect heavens to punish him, it's partially because he believes it's true and partially because he knows how to minimize harm when heavens angry with him but HOW can he do this for Crowley??). Anyway. Lol. The more I think about it the more I sure that Crowley without Aziraphale would be a miserable angry dick, and Aziraphale wihout Crowley would be dead, because it was the one person that kept him one tiny slip away from total burn out.

So yeah there's a lot of posts about how angry heartbroken etc Crowley will be with Aziraphale (I don't agree but that's for other post), less posts about how sad and heartbroken will be Aziraphale, but I hope to see Azyraphale being angry too (it they will be angry with each other at all). Not only for not picking him or leaving or making everything messy and emotional and wasting their first kiss at their fight etc, but also because Aziraphale was trusting him! Trusting that he get another resonable adult in team with him! Someone who he can trust to make resonable desisions and see his ideas as clever and him as capable and being willing to go to the end of the world with him with mild complaints and than!! When he did trust him to understand!! He was like everyone else!! Unresonable and emotional and angry with him and why he asked him at all he should've do it secretly and alone as always and it would've be as usual and it wouldn't hurt but it was Crowley that taught him to trust and to ask him for help!! Breaking his perfectly fine coping mechanisms!! It's all his faut if you think about it huh?? (but of course he's already forgiven. but also Aziraphale would do what he needs to do alone this time, as one and only capable adult in the world.)

Anyway it's not a meta it's just some late night thoughts. And it's in no way whole analizis there's so much more problems inside this angel. It's just something in particular that resonated with me today. Also it's not in any way critisizm of him, mind you, because a) he does really the smartest person in the room most of the time and b) I LOVE how fucked up in the head he is!!! I think he needs to become even more fucked up actually!!! and Crowley should love him for that and I will cheer for him from sidelines!!!

[that-one-rat-in-the-cupboard]

WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS FOR GOOD OMENS S2!

In the last episode of season two, right after Aziraphale told Crowley what the Metatron told him, Crowley says this:

"When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it."

I think there's a hell of a lot more to this line than we think. Especially with what Crowley says after.

So, we know Crowley created the universe and he was super proud of it, and when he learned it would be destroyed, he was understandably angry and confused. I also think this is why he lived on Earth and not in Hell like other demons. He wanted to spend as much time with his creation as he could before it was ripped from him.

Well, I think his first "Please tell me you said no" after the whole destroying Earth thing was him saying "You helped me save my beautiful creation once, don't make me do it alone this time."

And after the pause I think his second one was him actually hoping Aziraphale would say that he said no. Then when Aziraphale reveals that he didn't say no, Crowley starts to confess as his, as we all know, last-ditch effort to get Aziraphale to stay.

Sure, Aziraphale has already said yes, but he hasn't left yet. He may not have lived on Crowley's beautiful planet for 6000 years like Crowley did, but he was here now and Crowley didn't want him to leave.

In short; I don't think Crowley refused Aziraphale's offer because he didn't want to become an angel again, at least not fully the reason. I think he refused it because he couldn't bear leaving behind his beautiful creation, even if it meant losing the love of his life and dying with his creation by the hand of Heaven.

[fly-flower-fanfics]

Notebook Pages

Crowley x Immortal Male Reader

Warnings: Cursing, self hatred, breakdown episode

[Shout out to @vladtoly for giving me the idea with the plants]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How does one manage to be immortal? Apparently no one knows.

One day, I was in a bit of a bad situation. The next, I was in a hospital surrounded by doctors and having them poke and prod at me.

Needless to say, I got sick of all their poking and touching and tests. Years upon years of them being baffled by how I worked. Immortality was something humans could not achieve, and yet there I was.

Through the decades, changing and hiding had been fun. I'd befriended Aziraphale way back when — I can't honestly remember anymore — and he two of us got suspicious of one another when we realized that neither of us were aging. He told me how he was an angel, and I told him that I was an abomination. 

He had introduced me to Crowley, and even though the demon was not very fond of me at the start, the three of us eventually grew close.

While Crowley and Aziraphale at the book store Aziraphale was so deeply in love with, I was at Crowley's house. The two of them sort of just came to the acceptation that I would randomly appear in their homes at times. It what happened when we all became best friends.

I was laying on the floor in Crowley's plant room, papers spread out around me as I spoke to the plants.

"Do you like this one?" I asked, pointing to my most recent drawing of Crowley.

Art had been something that I was able to keep with me no matter how I was forced to hide and change. I'd eventually kept a notebook of my drawings throughout the years. Aziraphale and Crowley had become the two main things I drew. Neither of them knew, and as long as I didn't share the pictures — which I didn't — I didn't feel a need to tell them.

"I drew him laying on a bed surrounded by you guys," I continued on. "I wanted to make him somewhere where he was nice to you. Ya know, he just needs to chill out a little. I don't understand why he's so mean to you all the time. You guys are beautiful. You know, I should start adding you guys to my pictures more."

I pushed myself into a sitting position, gathering my pencils and papers, fixing them back into my binder. I got up and went over to the plants, notching that one had a little spot on it. I stroked the leaf gently.

"Don't worry. I'll fix you up before he notices. If I have to, I'll pluck it off. I know it'll hurt, but I wanna keep you safe."

I felt for the plants that had spots on them because I had marks all over my body. From the doctors and dark days of my own, nearly my entire body was marked up with scars. I was like a more attractive looking Deadpool. Thank god I didn't have any scars I couldn't cover up. Well... except for one.

My fingers touched my left eye, feeling the slightly raised skin that caused me to loose vision in that eye. Fuck those scientist. I'm not a tool to be experimented on. I'm a human. I growled, curling my hand into a fist.

I noticed the leaves on the plants trembling, and I realized my anger was showing. "Oh, no no, babes, I'm not angry with you. Promise. Just angry at my past." I inspected the plant and carefully plucked off the leaf, tucking it into my back pocket. "Now you promise me that you won't grow no more spots. Okay? I'll come and sing to you every day if need be. I'll take care of you after Crowley. Pinky promise."

I held out my pinky to the plants and smiled softly at them. I took my sunglasses back out of my pocket and placed them on my face. Though I had gotten comfortable enough to remove my glasses when I was alone, the other two men didn't ever see me without them. I refused. I also refused to let them see me in anything less than long sleeves and jeans. Not one scar would ever meet their eyes.

I went back to pick up my art binder and when I turned, I was met by Crowley.

"Figured you'd be here," he said.

I gave him a smile. "Keepin' your plants company and some love before you beat them and then I have to nurture them back to health."

Crowley scowled at me as I passed him. We bickered about his gardening tactics, but failed to make an agreement yet.

"What's with your binder?"

I stopped and turned, looking down at the black item in my hands. "Art. I draw things that I find attractive and beautiful. I was drawing your plants."

That technically wasn't a lie. I had drawn them... just surrounding Crowley in a bed.

"Can I see?"

My heart picked up speed, but I tried to calm myself by laughing. "In your dreams."

"What, got something to hide?" One of his eyebrows arched up from behind his own pair of sunglasses.

Yes. "Absolutely not! Not everything has to do with secrets." I stuck my tongue out at him like a child. "I'm gonna go see what books Azir has. I need something to read." I proceeded to make finger guns with my one hand, tap my finger to my temple, and jut it out towards the demon in a salute. "Farewell."

I cursed myself as I walked back to the library. What the fuck was that? I groaned aloud as I stomped down the sidewalk. The stupid demon had weaseled his way into my heart, and I salute him with finger guns? I felt like he definition of a Disaster Gay.

"Hey, Azir!" I called out as I entered the library.

The angel stuck his head out from behind a pile of books and smiled. "Hello."

I couldn't help but laugh. He'd done it so many times that I'd drawn him doing that. I just had to show him. It would be the first time showing him anything of mine... I set the binder on one of the tables closest to him, quickly flicked through the pages, and pulled it out.

"Every damn time I see you, you do that. You're too cute for your own good, Azir."

He took the paper between his fingers, a look of awe washing over his features. "You drew this?" He looked up at me. "You drew me?"

I shrugged a little, feeling a bit self conscious. "I draw beautiful things. You make my life beautiful." I took the drawing back and placed it back in with the others. "I'm gonna go look for a book. Need something to read. Something that I haven't yet."

Aziraphale laughed. "Good luck."

Reading and drawing were the two things I mainly did. I scanned through all the books before settling on one: a love story about two men that most definitely didn't belong together and somehow yet were.

The book nearly fell from my fingertips though as I got back to my binder. It had been tampered with. I knew this because the pages were just slightly imperfect now, their edges not lining up all the way.

"You didn't."

Aziraphale popped up from behind a case of books, his cheeks tinted red.

"Of course I didn't. I'd tell you if I did. We're friends. Why would you think that I would have?" the angel rambled.

"I swear, Azir... you tell him, I'll have your head," I replied softly. I didn't mean to threaten him, but I had never fallen in love before. Aziraphale knew that. It was one of the late night discussions we had before Crowley joined the two of us.

"I'm quite sure he would be flattered if you showed him," he replied, his voice trembling a little.

"Babe, he'd absolutely be disgusted!" I turned my eyes back to Aziraphale. I always called him 'babe' but I had stopped it as much because it seemed to anger Crowley. "I mean, maybe by the art... but by what the art clearly shows..."

I shook my head, flicking open the binder to the very last page. It was an image of myself. It was a bit lewd, only a small cloth covered my groin, but I was beautiful in it: scar free, two working eyes. I touched the paper as tears clouded my real eyes.

"There's a difference between the images of you and him, Z... I don't know why, but you can just feel the difference of the love between them." My love isn't the only part of me that would disgust him.

Aziraphale settled his hand on my shoulder. "Something you want to talk about?"

I shook my head. I avoided the topic for thousands of years. Other than the fact that he knew I was tested on, Aziraphale knew nothing about my experience. I snapped the binder shut, snatching the book in my hand, and shoving the binder on top of a book self that I needed a stool to reach. Crowley was tall, but after hiding it there for four or so thousand years, no one noticed. Aziraphale did now, though.

"I'm going to go take this book out. I'll be back with it when I'm finished." I waved goodbye and ended up in a small field. It was peaceful and there wasn't anyone else around, so I laid myself amongst the grass and began reading the book of forbidden lovers.

~~~~~~~

"Can y'all tell me what's going on?" I yelled at Crowley's plants, immediately apologizing once I saw them trembling. "What's going on with him? Why does he suddenly hate me so much? The last couple months, he's gotten more distant. I've gotta hide every time he comes home because I'm scared about what's gonna happen and what he's gonna say." 

I plopped onto the floor and sighed, running a hand through my hair. Crowley wasn't what one would call nice, but he was never an asshole to me and lately, what's exactly what he was. He was rude, pushing me away, and tried to avoid me as much as possible. I'd tried to ask Aziraphale about Crowley possibly seeing my drawings, but he had firmly denied it. I had to believe him because Aziraphale sucked at lying.

The sound of a slightly distant car rang in my ears, and I bounced up. "Gotta go. I promise I'll be back, and next time, I'll sing to you. I'm sorry things have to be like this."

I scooped up my binder and dashed from the house, down the road, and away from the sounds of the car. I knew I probably looked silly running all around the place, but I didn't care. Eventually, I ended back up in the place where I had first read the book about forbidden lovers.

I never gave that book back yet; I'd read it over and over because it felt like I was reading a book about my life.

I opened the binder in my lap and flicked to the last page to the drawing of myself. I recreated the picture almost perfectly. I trailed my fingers across it, hoping that maybe if I touched the paper enough, I'd look like it.

Anger bubbled in my chest the longer I stared at the picture. Crowley probably hated me for keeping secrets. For the way I looked, even if he's never seen me. He hated me for the way I acted, the way I laughed. The way I smiled and for the way my personality was.

I took that recreated picture and began to mutilate it. I created open wounds and bleeding cuts. I ripped the hair out of it. Anything to make it resemble what I felt about myself.

By the time I was done, the man looked nothing like it once did, and the paper was stained with tears. The paper had wrinkled wherever a tear had fallen. I couldn't tell if I was crying out of sorrow or anger — possibly both. The man on the page looked like a monster. Looked like the monster I was. Crowley didn't make me feel that way, only showed me who I truly was.

I flipped through all the other drawings I had done. I wanted to tear them to pieces and let the paper scraps fly away in the wind. Instead, I slammed the binder shut firmly and stared at the mirror image of myself in my lap.

I spat on the paper, sneering at it. "That what I really look like, huh. No one you're fucking hated. Aziraphale feels guilty for you, ain't that it? A science experiment gone bad. Well boo-fucking-hoo. Got news for ya, kid. Life ain't a goddamn picnic."

I threw the binder on the ground, crumpling the paper in my hand into a tight ball and throwing it as far as I could, letting the wind take it even further. Hot tears filled my eyes and spilled down onto my cheeks as I continued to yell at the paper becoming smaller in the open field.

"Fuck you, ya hear me? Fuck you! Fuck you and your life and your past! Fuck your feelings! Fuck everything. Love ain't for you, kid. You're an abomination, and that's all you're ever going to fucking be!"

I scooped up my binder and slung that, too. Papers fluttered out of it as the binder hit the ground with a soft thunk. Only then did I realize what I had done to my art.

"No... no no no. No!"

I ran after it, but some of the papers had been taken by the wind. I collected what I could and put it all back into my binder. The wind was no longer peaceful, and I no longer wished to be there. I no longer wished to be anywhere.

My hands curled into fists, and I slammed them into the earth. Sobs escaped my lips as I pounded the earth.

"Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"

I didn't know who I was talking to anymore. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. Some of my most beautiful artwork was gone. One of my best friends hated me. I was the true monster. Three's a crowd, and I was the one crowding it. I grabbed the sunglasses off my face and threw them into the dirt. I stood once again and stomped on them. Again and again until they were hardly recognizable as sunglasses.

"Fuck. You," I hissed at them.

I stayed in the field for what felt like hours. I honestly wasn't sure how long I was there, but at some point, Aziraphale appeared beside me.

It took me a moment to realize I no longer possessed sunglasses, and I turned away. A hand offered me a pair, and I slid them on before my eye could be see, shoving my fingers on top of my shattered ones.

"Go home, Z," I muttered, my throat sore from screaming and crying. "I'm not in the mood. I'm fine out here. If I needed anything, I would've came to you."

Aziraphale set his hand on my shoulder. "You and I both know that that's a lie. You've always kept to yourself. You've done more so as of late."

I laughed dryly, shaking my head. "You already know I'm not good with my secrets because I don't need to be gawked at for the billionth fucking time. I'm sick and tired of that. I'm struggling with my own inner demons inside my head, and I prefer to do that alone. And then one of my best damn friends decides to up and hate the shit outta me with the wrath hell knows what. What's his fucking problem?"

I curled my handful the shards of broken sunglasses into a fist, letting the materials bite at my skin.

"Why don't you ask him?"

"Because he's fuc-"

My words were cut off as I jerked my head to face the angel. Instead, I was met with him retreating and Crowley standing behind me with his head bowed, sunglasses missing from his face. I turned my head away, taking the glasses off my face and noticing that they were indeed Crowley's.

"Oh, god fucking damnit." I thrust the glasses into Crowley's hand as I stood up, fuming. "Azir-" Once again, I was cut off. This time by Crowley grabbing my wrist.

"He said we needed to talk, especially after I told him what I witnessed."

I froze, my eyes locked on Aziraphale retreating still. "You... how... when...?"

"You were in my house. I always watch you leave. You were running, I followed you."

I yanked my wrist out of the demon's grip and cursed. "Fuckin' great. So what do you want? Is it pity or yelling? Are you gonna pull an Azir or what?"

"Aziraphale may do a lot that I don't understand, but I know damn well that he is not there because he pities you." The fire in Crowley's voice burned right into my heart.

Crowley jerked me around and shoved a paper against my chest. Even though it was now dirty and crumpled, I could tell that it was my artwork: the one of Crowley in bed surrounded by his plants.

I stared at the paper for a few moments before closing my eyes. "He told you... you saw... you know..." I felt the familiar sting of tears prick my eyelids but I refused to open my eyes and let them fall. I gripped the paper tighter in my hands, crumpling it further.

He knows. He knows, and Z is making him talk to me to let me down easily. I just needed to at least say my piece, my piece before I could leave in peace, to leave and never return.

"I'm- fuck. Yeah, okay. I love you, Crowley." I opened my eyes and looked down at the paper in my hands, letting myself laugh. I had never said those words aloud before. "I love you so much that it hurts. I love you. I can feel it eating away at me every second of every day. I can't stop thinking about you. My heart feels like it's going to explode. I love you, and I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified. I've never been in love before, and I'm scared. But if this is what love feels like, then god, I hope I never have to stop feeling it. From the bottom of my heart and whatever's left within me, I'm in love with you, Anthony J Crowley. I'm so damn deeply in love with you."

The entire world seemed to fall silent and still, but maybe that was just because of my fear. I could hear my heart ringing in my ears and feel it thumping hard in my chest. I've never felt so alive before, and honestly, I don't think I wanted a different goodbye. As I turned to leave, Crowley grabbed my hand again.

I turned and looked up at him. He positioned himself in front of me, looking down at me. I couldn't see anything through his pitch black sunglasses, but I knew damn well he could see my scarred and useless eye. He reached up and lifted his glasses, his own eyes closed. When he opened them, I couldn't think.

They were a beautiful yellowish gold color. A color that could warm a thousand suns. His pupils were slits, like a snake's were, but it only seemed to make the gold in his eyes shine brighter. Was this why he never took off his glasses? But god, they're beautiful.

"Beautiful," I heard myself saying.

Crowley pulled my body flush against his and pressed a kiss onto my lips.

I was completely taken back, but I responded rather quickly by kissing him back and wrapping myself arms around his neck.

“I love you,” he whispered back once we pulled away. “I love you...” His hand reached up and cupped the left side of my face. I knew he was staring at my eye, but I didn’t feel overly insecure. “I love you and all that comes with you.”

I laughed dryly, feeling a new tear run down my cheek. “There’s more than just that, Crowley. So much...so much you don’t know.”

Crowley held me tighter against his chest, brushing his thumb lightly over my cheek bone. “Then I guess we have enough stories to share with one another, don’t we?”

I stared up into his eyes, silent. This man, this demon. I was so deeply in love with him. I wanted to share the rest of eternity with him.

“Yeah, guess we do...”