#already crying becsuse i felt it

[0318k]

most of my childhood memories are not happy. but i have this one that is still so vivid, and good. i was playing outside it was sunny, somewhere between spring and summer. i must have been less than 7/8 years old because we still lived behind my grandparents house. i could have been 5 or 6. i saw my grandpa sitting on this wooden bench he made himself, very simple. he sat there, he was drunk. he drank a lot, i mightve not understood what it all meant and why my grandma was mad, but i knew its something they didnt like him to do. i couldn’t understand why because no matter his state he was always so good to me, so kind. i still had this spring to my walk, i was always too happy to see him. he always talked to me, really talked to me,listened to what i wanted to say to him and he cared about it. i asked what are you doing grandpa and he said shhhh look. he was sitting on that bench and i came closer to peek. i saw a bee walking along his finger and of course my child mind already knew i should be scared of these i wanted to cry and said grandpa please watch out and wanted him to shake her off before she stings him. and he didnt do that, he just smiled and said please look she wont do anything to you if she doesnt feel threatened. she wont harm you if you wont try to harm her, look. and i looked at his calm and soft movements and at first i didnt really believe what he told me i waited for him to make a hiss and say ouch i waited for the moment she does hurt him but it didnt come and as it wasnt coming i was more and more curious following her little legs taking a walk on his hand. she stayed there for quite a while and flew away. then he smiled at me again. god if he knew how much these moments with him matter to me to this day. if he knew these are the defining moments of what love is to me to this day. i had so little, and it brought so much

[thescoextra]

I've said it before and I'll say it again- Skam France's cinematography is phenomenal. The lighting, the use of colour, the camera angles, even the music used are all done perfectly and I love the sense of realism we get in some scenes whilst it also isn't filmed poorly. I have never criticized their filming. Likewise, I won't criticize the acting because I can't. The acting in this show is incredibly, specifically Robin and Flavie in the past two seasons. These two actors were well deserving of their own seasons.

The problem I have is with the writing. The plots themselves aren't inherently bad, in fact, I like a lot of the plots, but said plots are never tied together. The show introduces new dramatic plotlines without solving old ones for 'shock factor' and for 'entertainment', whereas the majority of French cinema is supposed to be focused on realism, as is Skam as a whole. You have clips like the one where Daphné and Lola are silently crying on the sofa, which was so well done, followed by adding more drama to the plot by trying to break up another couple just because the writers felt like it.

This does explain why season 3 was so good compared to their original seaons. Season 3 already had the outline of a structure that they had to follow, yet they could add things in or edit them. The writers are good, they have a good director, but they seem to be unable to produce a coherent plotline without guidance, and that makes me really sad.

I'm not saying that Lola or Arthur's struggles weren't realistic, because they are. Yes, Lola goes through a lot of relapses, and the assault, and Maya, and the ED plotline with Daphné etc. All of that does happen to people, and in some cases, on an even shorter timeline. However, in cinema, especially in Skam format where you only show certain parts of a day or a week, it's hard to fit that into one season of a show. It leaves them with lots of loose ends that they can't tie up in time.

In conclusion- the biggest problem with Skam France is that they attempt to combine realism and drama/shock factor and it kind of blew up in their faces. And this is why, when someone criticizes Skam France's writing, you don't need to defend it by saying 'but the cinematography is good' or 'but the acting is good'. We know. We see that, but just becsuse one aspect of a show is good doesn't mean the whole thing is.

[milkycig]

I need to vent becsuse I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. My body is already going stiff and I’m already starting to depersonalize (the feeling of when you aren’t in your own body). Idek if I’m going to be able to write all this shit out. But oh my god I am under some fucking stress. My mom is running around the house, screaming on the phone about an extra house payment coming and she and this woman are arguing and talking so fast and she came into my room and went off on me about how she can only handle so much. And I feel terrible for her but of course this spiked my anxiety. Meanwhile the guy I like asked me if he could ask me something and then left me there waiting for 20 minutes and said he forgot what he wanted to ask. Am I paranoid or did he not forget and just decided he didn’t want to ask anymore?! What if it was something bad? Like what if he like knows something? Oh my god lol I sound fucking crazy. This is honestly just the mind of someone with severe anxiety. These two occurances have actually made me physically ill with worry. And I already felt very odd. I didn’t sleep all night. I was up till 7am this morning. And then I fell asleep finally after laying there so uncomfortably from aching knees (weird...maybe detox? Magnesium deficiency?) honestly who fucking knows because I’m probably deficient in everything at this fucking point. I just want to be thin. Is that so much to ask for? Apparently because it’s all I’ve wanted for years and I still can’t get there. Anyway...tangent. But I fucking woke up at like 8am so I literally slept for an hour because the house is so loud and chaotic. And I kinda flew off the handle and lost it because it’s like holy fuck nothing needs to be this god damn loud. And then I somehow was able to fall back asleep around 11am and woke up at 2pm. But when I woke up I felt really weird. My pulse was slow, my eyes were heavy, my body was freezing. I kind of felt this weight in my chest. Also I had the weirdest most vivid but odd nightmare and it gave me anxiety because it reminded me of this guy I used to know and talk to and honestly I miss him sometimes and it ended badly between us because I didnt message him for 4 days (he didn’t message me either) and then he got pissed off and blocked me which is honestly toxic behavior but he’s been through a lot so it’s hard to be mad. Idk. Idk anymore. I want to cry and scream and I cannot stand this fucking depersonalizing. This is hands down the worst part of anxiety. I literally feel like I’m floating and not in your cute light as a feather bullshit ana inspo way. Sorry...that was snappy. Jesus. Okay um I apologize to anyone who had to read this. Hopefully no one judges me, I’m just a person who clearly needs divine intervention at this point because I’m a hair away from driving myself off a cliff. Thank you for watching this episode of freak show, join us next week for more sad and disturbing yet possibly semi relatable content 💀

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Sometimes my brother stays in the house all night. And annoys my kid.

But after tonight i see why.

He had to register his hands as militant weapons. He said militant. lol.

He was in karate all through elementary minus some years and some high school.

He knocked me out with two fingers once then started crying cause he thought I was dead. My mom didn't care. She told him good job.

My little brother paralyzed my arm once by jabbing it. That shit hurt. It was temporary but my arm was sore for days.

So obviously neither are afraid. They have skills,i always believed out powered my own.

I woke my brother up to open a jar but he couldn't either so soon after he went to his home. He said for some,reason no one was outside.

He knows Jesse i know he does cause we used to work the same gas station. Jesse and Stewie are the same but I call him stewie after the Family Guy baby cause he always tries to kill his mom.

He went to ministry school for college and has all kinds of degrees in philosophy and church and all that.

Anyways stewie got a job with my brother at nights and my brother got him fired.

I got him banned but our boss was a bitch thinking about her pussy.

Anyways. So he gets those feels when,there is dumb asses thinking they got a brain.

Me and my kid do too but its different. We don't live by them.

Usually she comes out for a little while with me but she said tonihht she had a feeling she djdnt want,to.

But I know at home,she gets them. Because one of us will sleep,at different times and one of us is always awake.

Thats whn i knpw some type monster you wish only lived under beds has been outside,

I dont say anything. But I think we both know.

.....

I went out again, this time with the light off and smoked. 4th cigar later and my sinus feel great!!

....

I could hear joints pop. Starchy grass being stepped on. And a chain.

I could feel a vehicle's presence. One with people in it.

.....

I heard the truck start drive slowly up,the north mesa. I could hear for so long i knew they were stopped.

...

Random dogs had barked. First in the yard then one 3 acres away. Then in the yard again.

I listened to how many birds chirped and how.

....

I knew someone was there when i moved my foot there was another sound... When you concentrate on doing something and you focus on it... I didn't hear the sound until i had already focused to move..its a random thing but always valid. If i move my foot someone else is moving theirs.

Its a constant.

......

I said shhh to the dogs. I whispered a loud hey that echoed to the weakling that couldn't stand still on the other side of the fence.

No one appropriately responded.

.....

I heard the there's a mother fucker there bark.

....

So i went in and as soon as I did that coward ass took off running to his waiting truck.

.....

I unfortunately can feel people's emotions. So i felt him being terrified. I also felt his chest heaving after running when i went in.

I feel his backward heart hurt the last two nights.

.....

#fbi he wants to kill me but he doesn't know how. Hes wanted to for 20 years after he believed jesse James killed my kids. That's why other people call him Jesse. Ive admitted to be fuddled about certsin things and barely have a glimpse of things. He had me,take an abundance of pills once to over dose. Right after the babies were murdered by their grandpa.

And hes tried to kill me and Annie multiple times.

The only person he has a right to kill is himself or anyone that is trying to kill him -- except when he decided to kill them first. Like me. Because I will kill him.

But if someone like wanted to mug him and had a gun then its okay to defend yourself as best as you can. The goal being to get them away from you and disarmed if possible. But not always death is the answer dependin on who it is.

.....

And since he collaborates with Denise, she focuses him on killing me. So he has a right to kill her to shut her up. Becsuse this is an extreme 20 plus year issue. Its not an issue for every one. Its not always the answer.

But in this case it is.

......

Stewart often has someone drop him off where i am,then he walks where I can see him. Then he has them pick him up.

Lately I've honked at him and given him the bird. Just so he knows i see him and i still hate him and i will kill him.

Denise was driving today so i couldn't but i yelled my hate at him,anyways.

.....

Weird was when i got,to the gas station there was a black girl in the back seat of a red SUV with huge eyes like she was a victim of human trafficking. But I always see cops there. And all the Windows were down. IDK why people look like that. Last,time they were worrief about my tire. Windows were down some,dude was outside smoking. She could had screamed. She seemed to be the only one there,

Just a random thing.

------

I was really worried about him going through the,gate. Because they wantef me to sit where I was safe and could see through the fence. But i was super close to the gate and i could hear him within the outer fence. Theres like 4 fences and shit... So he was within the half yard where I was but outside of,the porch fence.

So trespassing. New Mexico law is i can fight back with an equal or lesser weapon. Since he uses needles... And I'm handicapped. I can use a broom, chair, table. Pretty much anything i want but a gun. I could use a knife cause they're close to needles. He uses insulin so a big butcher knife.. Since I'm diabetic ... Insulin won't bother me much but he does use extremely high doses which would cause me to pass out. So then i would be able to equalize that with a stun gun which i have, pepper spray which i have. And blood loss from a butcher knife will cause him to pass out.

Now here I'm not suppose to equalize his crime and kidnap him.

But since I know he wants to kill me, has kidnapped me, etc....

They asked me what i would say if he ends up missing.

I don't care. That was my answer. I don't fucking care. Ive been complaining about him for years.

He tried to kill me and my daughter Annie. Hes constantly harassing us. He follows us. There's records.

If i go through the trouble of disposing him. Dude. They already fucking know where he is. They fucking watch me. They can push rewind on the dam satellite,

So seriously. I go through the trouble of disposing him myself or with my family don't fucking say shit but thank you snd pay me a reward.

Call me,crazy but im fucking telling you. So PREVENT IT.

Or don't bother arresting me or asking where is currently 50 extra pound ass is.

Lets not play dumb, here. Get someone smarter than you if you don't understand, #FBI

Self defense. Hes a threat and has been. Hrs fucking crazier than me,

We all know i can go sociopath, psychopath, serial killer. I can do them all all day any day.

Yes he is crazier than me because he can't go sane.

And despite me sounding crazy. I am actually sane.

......

So. He is terrified of me. He asked me about a year ago to let him help me load my groceries on the black tread at the store. He was shaking like a leaf. I was PISSED because he came up behind me and squeezed next to me,to,get in front of me.

They're all he doesn't have his black bag!!!!! He wears a fanny pack to carry his insulin.

THATS WHAT I DONT GET.

hes scared yet he wants to kill me????

What the Hell. Stay away from me.

Then he will sit where he knows i should be able to see him and he eats candy and smiles all big showing his teeth like he just ate out some ones ass..

Telling me hes gonna have to have his needles out soon.

........

But they tell me he doesnt have his bag.

.....

He will and has tucked them under his dick on his nut sack. And pulled it out in front of me and my child.

.......

I will fucking kill him before he can get his stupid hands in his pants,

I do not fucking care.

Hes lucky i don't have a gun. Because h3 would already be dead.

That's why i don't have a gun.

I almost got one a few years ago.....

But i don't want to go to jail. So if he is close enough for me,to,touch on private property not belonging to him.

Hes a dead man.

........

Anyways so i was concerned for him to go thru the gate because I wasn't feeling the kill rage. So i felt like i wasn't ready so i was weary.

And i kept on although everything else was telling me,he wasn't but to my right,

So my left ear started buzzing like crazy and i was all fucking shut up i can't hear..

But duh. I didn't need to listen at the gate.

So god was there talking to me. Telling me he was there and ready to help me as i need.

To help me as i need.

Once i got the understanding then the buzzing quit.

And I knew to focus my ears to my right.

....

I wasn't alone and,had a lot of support and understanding from a legend. She was really awesome in being curious and understanding. It was pretty awesome. She has a clear and strong voice. I bet she will be a guardian angel one day and i know she will be awesome at it. I was starting to wonder if she was dead because she was so good.

She's not but yeah i was like whoa. I could trust her. Its unusual.

Just because she was awesome doesn't mean she's near death, its just an Earth skill.

I trust the dead most because they can go anywhere even under water.

And i felt i could trust her just as much as a spirit sent from Heaven.

.....

I can hear stewart again.

......

[ishmybanannas]

@taylorswift @taylornation Hi Taylor, So at first tonight just started off with me being bored, doing hw, and singing to your songs. But then this damn song happened - I knew it was going to bring tears out but I wanted to sing it outloud before I became a complete mess tonight. So I'm taking you way back to 2006 when my respect and love for you started. (Yes Taylor, you and I have been best friends for about 12 years now ♥️) I want you to know these are good tears - these are not the same tears I cried when I first heard this song the week before my birthday(12/12/90) -i think it was like around Dec 3-9 2006 to be more precise. I was studying for my finals and I was bored of the songs on my iPod (those freaking chunky heavy freaking iPod). So I decided to look up new songs to listen to and came across your song "Tim McGraw" from the list. I actually heard "Tim McGraw" from a girl I ran against at the League Championship for XC (cross country). So that December night I decided to download your whole album to listen to the rest of your songs. (Anyone remember limewire or the other one that starts with an R it was like Rapsody(?)) I had it on shuffle and what do you know "Tied together with a smile" played first. It felt like at that very moment in my life the universe knew I needed to hear this song - loud and clear - because this is how I felt. I was struggling about how: - I needed to be strongest for everyone because I was the "independent" child (can't complain you dont have any real pain or struggles you're only 15 you don't know what "real" life problems are yet, don't feel anything, don't have feelings, and if I did have feelings they don't matter because I'm strong) - I needed to be perfect for everyone to like me (hair, face, body, makeup, the newest clothes, best kind of shoes, shiny/flashy accessories) - I needed to have straight A's for my parents to be proud and approve of me (youngest out of 8 so "definitely" should know what's right from wrong - no room for mistakes especially if my siblings made them already, and oh can't forget youll be cleaning up their mistakes - yup I've been babysitter since 3.5 years old) - I needed to win first place on every race so I was recognized(the temporary happiness of being acknowledge/noticed for something I actually loved doing) - I needed to run every mile faster so I didn't lose "focus" ( stay thin, stay popular, stay smart, stay "what the world thinks" you need to look like to be considered beautiful as a freaking 15 year old) - I needed to be thin so I can be the most popular (everyone "knows" you, talk about you, want to be "friends" with you, hang-out with you to use you) - I needed to be pretty so I can have friends (99% were just people taking advantage of me - "can I borrow your notes I forgot mine at home", "can I come too - but I'm broke so can you spot me for now", "can you introduce me to blah blah blah", "can you fix this for me") - I needed to be this or that for whatever crappy reason everyone around me had drilled into my head. I was struggling with an eating disorder (ran more miles instead of eating), body image distortion (photoshopped/edited pictures to what I thought the world sees as beautiful), and I was lacking every confidence and strength my whole world at that time thought I had (I had been broken and no one cared to stop to ask). All of this was never voiced outloud at that time because I had A smile on my face. Because I had a very "dominant/independent" kind of personality/trait. BUT was it wrong to wish one of my best friends or family members to tell me that it was okay to be exhausted, frozen, lost, and broken BEFORE Taylor did? I do remember asking people for help but it was brushed off as if he or she never believed that I - Ana - could have any issues or problem because "my world was oh so perfect." I heard excuses like "you're only 15 what would you know about REAL life issues" or "what, you're the team captain and a straight A's student what could possible be wrong in your life" or "don't worry everyone knows you - you have lots of friends here but don't say too much because you know words travel fast" or "you're already pretty and popular I'm sure that guy will date you" or "don't worry it will be over tomorrow" Well guess what - yes I was 15 but I wasn't dumb and stupid. I was 15 feeling so alone and afraid because everyone and everything around me is so crazy and confusing - I didn't know how to slow it down! I was 15 and I know about "real life" issues like the one I was having about feeling alone, not loved, used and abused, issues dealing with anorexia and body distortion. Yes, I was team captain and I got straight A's BUT that was because I worked so damn hard for it! Yeah a lot of people knew me but NO ONE ACTUALLY took the time to get to know me aside from the labels and rumors going around school. I didn't want to be loved because I was "popular and pretty" - I wanted to be liked and loved because the person saw who I am as a WHOLE - as a human being and not as a trophy or object. And excuse my language but FUCK NO problems/issues do NOT go away in one night - sometimes it takes more time; years even (I'm 27 now - all of this happened was 12 years ago). My smile wasn't suppose to be the ribbon that held me together - my smile was suppose to be the actual reflection of my life - of me! So @taylorswift thank you for writing and singing this song. This song was the beginning of the many broken pieces being placed and glued to where they belong in my life. This song made me feel the type of "okay" I never knew exsisted. This song helped me begin to reconsider what was more important - the world's excuses and negative opinions or ME - myself - my life. Well as you can see I chose me. Becsuse YOU @taylorswift taught me to know that IT WAS OKAY to sometimes literally pick yourself over the world when the world was not making you feel welcomed and loved. That it was okay to finally protect yourself and fight for yourself against some people who you thought were your closest friends AND family members too. You taught me to EAT !!!! You taught me TO STOP running - literally the miles (to gain weight) and from my issues. You taught me balance. You talked to me through this song and I can never thank you enough from the bottom of my heart - you saved me in more ways than you'll ever know. So to recap why I'm crying in this video - they are tears of happiness and respect for myself - to know how far Ive come since those freshman days/nights. You let me be broken just so I can find my path to being the WHOLE human being I was meant to be. You came into my life at the right time and just when I needed someone the most (anyone - but glad it as you that showed up)! Thank you. Ana #tbh #tookme2HOURStoPRESSpost 🙈 #supernervousabouthispost #themostDETAILSiveeverposted #mylife #imattertoo #finallyfree #thebeginningofmyclosure #survivedbecauseoyou #realty #taylorswift #taylornation #reputation

[keneagle]

i miss you so much fuck i would rather die than hav to miss you anymore i miss everything sbout you i miss your smiles and your eyes and your laugh and your voice i miss your cute hair i miss your strong hands and your little bit of chub that you had compared to be i miss holding you in my arms and making you feel safe i i miss calling you baby i miss you calling me slavsquat i miss you talking to me all night about nothing i miss going through everything together with you i remember the frist time i saw you and in person i rmember the first time i saw you while i was sittifninnmy iso quarters crying because i missed my dad. i remember the chief coming in and giving me a laptop when i was like 12 and we used to skype call and play duke match or a bunch kf other stuff i remember tje first time we video called and you told me off for staring at you like that even though i didnt understsnd i was in love with you and i tried to force mgself not to becsuse i felt wronf snd i remember calling with you almsot every day for a year just talking about anything how many times you said thay youd wish id come to atlanta already to meet you because you wanted to hang out with me in real life and im not sure that you everbfelt the same and i remember you twlkinfnto me about medical stuff and dogs and tellinf me sbout your family snd whatnot i remember meetinf you because i remember stepping off the plane and julie running t hug me and getting me to hold david and that being good and saying hi to randall but i remember you standing behind prin with your head down and inswear i saw you tear up and i remember going over and trtinf to hug you but you woildnt let me but we still got to hang out it was just so painful bevaise i was so madly and deeply in love with you i could barely stand it adn from there it was basically three yesrs of unrequited love i remwmber all the times don hurt you or david or myslef or prin etc etc until the time we were 15 that hed broken your ankle and you asked me to come up to your room and help you fix it and wrap it even though you were gonna be the medic i rememberbwrwppinf up your poor broken ankle and then hugging you and then telling you i loved you and you were complwtely like god i thought i was alone or whatever snd then we made oht and you licked me out as gross as that is and i suxked you off and then we laid there and then you asked me to be your boyfriend and i without missing a beat said yes i remember all those comments that everyonenmade about mynnative rigan accent and how dumb it made me send and all this shit and then being able tondonit around you and no one else snd i love you so much jason i fcukin g love you i remember every single stupid movie date we went on and that time we went to see some movie that probably doesnt ven exist yet and you leaned on my shoulder snd then started trting to rub me through my pants and then i kissed you for real finally hard and full on the mouth and it felt normal i remember every ahitty fucjed up mission we had together i remember every time you got hurt i remember gettinf hurt snd you tskinf care of me i remember everythinf i could go on more but hell do i miss you