#alone by halsey brutal by olivia and games by lennon stella are also in there
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Sorry for disappearing again. Iām popping back on here to give a little update on my life for anyone who cares. August was a really really reallyyy awful month for me. First I was spiraling abt my ex situationship and then the first wk of the semester I started dealing w a lot of harassment from classmates and I realized it was my own āfriendsā that started it and spread a bunch of awful untrue rumors abt me as well as my private text conversations w them š And the stress from all of that literally caused me to have a psychotic episode and spiral even more so that was fun. I actually came close to ending my life bc it was so bad. I think that was the first time Iāve ever had a full blown psychotic episode and it was absolute hell, like Iāve never been so fucking terrified in my life. I didnāt even know it was possible to have thoughts as dark as the ones I was having. This caused me to fall really behind in my classes so now Iām having to catch up while also being very scatterbrained. And this WAS going to be my last semester but now Iām gonna have to graduate later bc of all of this š„° It literally feels like they sabotaged me right before the finish line like Iāve never been so pissed off in my life. But one good thing that came out of it is Iāve now figured out I probably have schizotypal personality disorder or sth similar which would explain why I have such a hard time making friends and maintaining relationships. I think I come off a lot colder than I mean to and so I give ppl mixed signals on accident. Itās kind of awful knowing IāM actually the one thatās caused some of my relationships to implode without meaning to. Like I try soooo hard to be as nice as possible and to listen and be patient w ppl but itās still somehow never enough bc Iām kinda stoic and am not good at expressing my love for ppl. Like I feel so many things internally but itās hard for me to show them externally. And I also figured out that I experience apophenia (which can be related to psychosis and schizophrenia) and so I sometimes read way too much into things and see signs and patterns that arenāt there. On one hand itās great bc it allows me to learn difficult concepts really fast and spot patterns and connections other ppl might not see, but on the other hand it can also cause me to experience psychosis. Iām trying to be more careful now w how delusional I let myself be but Iām not gonna stop analyzing music and Iāll let myself be delulu sometimes as a treat bc life is more fun that way :)) Iāve made several playlists that kind of serve as journal entries since I donāt really journal and thatās the closest thing I have to journaling. These songs are like the soundtrack of my life at the moment
#alone by halsey brutal by olivia and games by lennon stella are also in there#decode and read your mind by sabrina as well#thank you aimee and mean are really hitting different now#istg i just try to mind my own business but i still somehow manage to get sucked into drama#āi swear i donāt love the drama it loves meā#a likely thing to happen to me#i shouldnāt even be surprised atp#iāve figured out that a lot of my classmates and friends only do or say nice things bc they want to use me to get good grades and#connections w professors so that hurts#i consistently get the highest grades in my classes so i feel like the timing of all this was intentional and was partially due to jealousyš#i think i get now why stem students get such a bad rap lol#the environment in an engineering college is ridiculously cutthroat and competitive#a lot of ppl are social climbers who will use ppl like tools and doormats to get what they want and i was one of those unfortunate ppl#personal#Spotify
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