#alone by halsey brutal by olivia and games by lennon stella are also in there
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daisyswift3 Ā· 2 months ago
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Sorry for disappearing again. Iā€™m popping back on here to give a little update on my life for anyone who cares. August was a really really reallyyy awful month for me. First I was spiraling abt my ex situationship and then the first wk of the semester I started dealing w a lot of harassment from classmates and I realized it was my own ā€œfriendsā€ that started it and spread a bunch of awful untrue rumors abt me as well as my private text conversations w them šŸ˜ƒ And the stress from all of that literally caused me to have a psychotic episode and spiral even more so that was fun. I actually came close to ending my life bc it was so bad. I think that was the first time Iā€™ve ever had a full blown psychotic episode and it was absolute hell, like Iā€™ve never been so fucking terrified in my life. I didnā€™t even know it was possible to have thoughts as dark as the ones I was having. This caused me to fall really behind in my classes so now Iā€™m having to catch up while also being very scatterbrained. And this WAS going to be my last semester but now Iā€™m gonna have to graduate later bc of all of this šŸ„° It literally feels like they sabotaged me right before the finish line like Iā€™ve never been so pissed off in my life. But one good thing that came out of it is Iā€™ve now figured out I probably have schizotypal personality disorder or sth similar which would explain why I have such a hard time making friends and maintaining relationships. I think I come off a lot colder than I mean to and so I give ppl mixed signals on accident. Itā€™s kind of awful knowing Iā€™M actually the one thatā€™s caused some of my relationships to implode without meaning to. Like I try soooo hard to be as nice as possible and to listen and be patient w ppl but itā€™s still somehow never enough bc Iā€™m kinda stoic and am not good at expressing my love for ppl. Like I feel so many things internally but itā€™s hard for me to show them externally. And I also figured out that I experience apophenia (which can be related to psychosis and schizophrenia) and so I sometimes read way too much into things and see signs and patterns that arenā€™t there. On one hand itā€™s great bc it allows me to learn difficult concepts really fast and spot patterns and connections other ppl might not see, but on the other hand it can also cause me to experience psychosis. Iā€™m trying to be more careful now w how delusional I let myself be but Iā€™m not gonna stop analyzing music and Iā€™ll let myself be delulu sometimes as a treat bc life is more fun that way :)) Iā€™ve made several playlists that kind of serve as journal entries since I donā€™t really journal and thatā€™s the closest thing I have to journaling. These songs are like the soundtrack of my life at the moment
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