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bubblingthoughts · 2 years ago

Text

Little Anxious Thoughts.

I'm currently seeing someone and I say 'seeing' because I wasn't able to really get an answer to exactly what it is that we are doing or are. Me being guarded and afraid, of losing this connection I instantly felt when we kissed, convinced myself that this was okay. In reality, it's not. Let me explain exactly the reason why:

I've been trying so hard to let them in, be open, and be vulnerable that I lost track of where I was before they entered my life. I put myself in a box in a way because I didn't want to be too much and have them leave. Why? Because they said they were figuring things out and I thought great because I was and am doing the same.

One night, I had an emotional breakdown. Keep in mind I was on my period, extremely overwhelmed and stressed from work but also had consumed some alcohol. Worst combination ever. I was in such a high emotional state that I don't remember all the things I said. The next day I felt horrible. I was embarrassed. I wasn't sure how I would face them and my friend who was also with us that night. I for sure thought, well this is it. So much for trying to make this work or see if it goes anywhere. I was so determined to not make the same mistakes I had done in past relationships or situations like this. To my surprise, they stayed. I had never had that happen before. I thought well great. If they're willing to still stick around after that then it's worth pursuing. They've seen me at my best and clearly now have experienced me at my worst and for the first time I felt seen and understood in a way. If they had left or whatever then why would I want to continue this if that is all it takes to have them walk away?

We met up a few days after. I wanted to apologize and I honestly thought this would probably be the last time I would see them. We had a long conversation after dinner and I was prepared to just leave it all there because I wanted to stop this before it went any further. Like what was the point? I thought. If they don't want what I want and they can't communicate whether or not they have any feelings for me or even let me know how they feel. Why should I continue this? So I drove home. On my way, I kept thinking... am I really going to throw this connection away because of that? Did I really feel like that or was it because I was so afraid of being hurt that I was pushing them away? Was I just making myself believe these thoughts in my head as self sabotage? They haven't really done anything but be there, listen, and be kind.

So thought to myself, I'm going to keep pursuing this because my gut was telling me to because of that feeling, that connection, I never experienced before. I knew it wasn't going to be easy because I already had developed so many feelings for them. I didn't want to pressure them into being in a relationship, not that I wanted to be labeled right away or be in one. I honestly just wanted to date and get to know them more and eventually see if we would want more or not out of this or not. I knew they had said they were figuring things out and that they didn't want a relationship but why did their words not match their actions? So when I got home, I texted them that if they were okay with it then I was okay with continuing things how they were because I was tired of running away because I didn't want to be hurt causing me to never give people a chance. I had done that in the past when I started getting feelings for someone and I promised myself the next time I felt like this again I would not let it go. This feeling they gave me was one I had never felt before and it scared me to my core.

Fast forward to now. The communication between us has recently become less. We don't talk as much over texts. Our conversations are not like they used to be and here I go again with my anxious thoughts trying to figure out why? Is it because now they're busier than they were before? No, because even when you're busy you still make time to communicate with someone if you care about them in that way. I know because I'm busy as hell but still find time to text the people I care about back. I still find the time to text them good morning and how's your day so far? Why? Because I care and want to know how they are doing. I definitely feel like I'm not receiving as much as I'm giving and honestly I don't know if I'm giving enough or in a way they feel like I am. To me, I'm being open and trying my darnedest to let them in and be vulnerable. You see, I've never been good at expressing my feeling because I've been so afraid of showing my true self because when I have I've been rejected and that hurts. Stupid I know but that's where my mind goes. If they're going to reject me then they aren't the right person right? You would think I would think like that and I do... sometimes but I can't help to bring it back and put blame on myself. Like I should cater to their feelings but what about mine? Who cares about me and how I feel and what I want and what I need?

The answer should be me. So here I am with our conversation from today and thinking about the one we had on Sunday. 'I'm not ignoring you I was just busy all day playing 3 rounds." I said okay because I understand but now my mind goes back to that day when I joined them and they clearly had reception and were texting people back, so why is it that you didn't text me back until after 7 hours later? am I less important to you because it's sure making me feel like that! Like I'm not a good enough friend for them to care enough to text me back that they're out playing and busy? Would this be the same if their other friends both male and female and a friend (whom they had past relationships with that are now platonic) were to text them would they text them back right away or at a decent time or also wait until they were done playing to reply? Instead, I said "no worries. I figured you were out there and that's why I waited to text you again later because I didn't want to bother you."

So here I am, thinking and blaming their behavior on my anxious thoughts, thinking I'm the problem. That I'm overthinking it. Now I see that it’s not just me but it’s them too and the lack of communication. I don’t know them well enough to how they communicate or when they need space or when something is too much. Today, I get a text ' I've realized I've been bad at replying. I apologize, I get busy and forget.' There I go again and at this point, I really do understand because I do it all the time. Then hours go by and no text. Okay, they must be busy they clearly said they were. I text them later just to see how their day was going and nothing. Now here I am thinking are they okay? are they going through something like they have before where they didn't want to talk to anyone for days. I get it. I get like that too but what if it wasn't me texting? what if it was another person? would they still not answer? My gut is telling me no, they would most likely reply to them because that is how it feels.

I don't know what else I need to see, to see that I'm not important to them. That they're pushing me away and I'm still here trying because I keep thinking it's just me and my anxious thoughts. No, it's not all my anxious thoughts. I'm learning to tell them apart. This is not it. I deserve more. I am worth more. I deserve the respect of simple common. Just a little communication goes a long way but I'm clearly not worth that or important enough to receive that. They're showing me that clear as day for a while and I'm still holding on to the moments we have had where it felt so nice and we felt so connected just talking and spending time together. Now I'm thinking was it just me feeling that? Who knows what they thought? Maybe they were thinking of someone else? Wishing it was them but instead they have me? Also, why is it that they can't be affectionate or express interest in me unless they've had a few to drink? I understand they're shy. I am too and have used alcohol to loosen up and not be so shy but I also make an effort to push myself to be more affectionate and show interest when I'm sober.

Loneliness can do that to you. I know, I've been there but this time for me it wasn't that. I wasn't lonely when I reconnected with them. I was happy being on my own and enjoying my life and working on myself. They came into my life again after years one day and turned it upside down. Maybe it's the universe's way of testing me? Telling me to walk away. To know my worth that I guess I forgot I had and in the process just lost touch with myself. I'm done feeling confused. Everyone told me not to continue seeing them. Okay, not everyone but a few people did. I defended them and said no, they're different. They're going through stuff too and we're both figuring our shit out together. Supporting each other in a way.

My friend just told me that that night I had that emotional breakdown, that they told them that I was being extra for crying & being emotional. When they told me that it hurt. It hurt me deeply because that is the exact reason I don't let people in and let them see me so vulnerable because I would be too much or acting extra in this case. When in reality, I just have a lot of hurt/anger inside that I'm working through. I'm learning how to be okay with feeling my feelings without repressing them so long that I break down like I do or in that way. I want and need someone who understands that and is okay with just being there supporting me and just say “hey it’s gonna be okay”. I can do the rest on my own. I don’t need my hand held or things done for me. I'm not being a lot and I'm just being human and it's okay. I honestly thought that is what they were doing that night for me. Until my friend told me they said that. God did that hurt and made me look at everything differently. I'm pretty darn strong and independent and the reason why is that it's things like these words that have made me like this.

I'm hurt, I'm sad and upset. I'm more upset with myself, more than anything. I for not seeing this sooner. For allowing myself to forget my worth and what I have to offer. I'm a loving, supportive, loyal, and good person. Sure I have flaws but who doesn't? I acknowledge them and work hard not to fix them but to improve. I try hard everyday to communicate the best I can in a mature, respectful and understanding manner. I want to be the best version of myself and I hope to find someone who sees that as I do.

They once told me they didn't want to lead me on and try and have it not work and end up hurting me. That's exactly what happened. I should have listened to them. I didn't though. Instead, I poured myself into it as much as I could because I promised myself I would not run away like I have in the past. Otherwise how do we learn from our past mistakes. Those words they spoke did not match any of their actions. I want to believe they wanted it too. That they felt the same connection I did. That they saw how compatible. we were. That they were just too afraid or had things they need to let go of that kept them from moving forward.

"The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her." - Bob Marley. This is how it feels. This is how I feel at this moment. Heartbroken. I'll be okay. I have more work/healing ahead of me to stop attracting emotionally unavailable men. I want to believe that they are not a coward. That they didn't intentionally do this. That in a way they also tried.

I'm sad this didn't work out but I'll learn to be okay with it because I put myself out there. I didn't run away. I felt something beautiful and I gave it my best shot. I hope they find peace in their heart. That they don't continue to carry all that heaviness. I hope that next time they encounter something that could be something great, that can be something beautiful, that they are healed enough to hold on tight and never let go.

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