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polarisbibliotheque · 6 months ago

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Survivor's Blood (Leon x Reader) - Chapter 6

Survivor's Blood

Pairing: Leon x Reader

Summary: After Raccoon City, Leon became the only Government agent with that kind of expertise. With relentless training, he was now a Special Agent - again, on his first day in the job. He just didn’t expect to live Raccoon City all over again… Maybe Leon was fated to always have the worst first-days-at-work ever.

Age Restriction: 18+. It’s horror, so expect a lot of graphic violence and blood dripping from this. I mean, VERY GRAPHICAL VIOLENCE. Nothing we haven’t seen on RE, but still. Yee been warned

TRIGGER WARNING: Leon has a slight panic attack on this one, right at the end. Proceed with caution.

Author's Notes: Wow. I just looked at the last post, Chapter 5, I posted LITERALLY one year ago, on June 26. I swear I didn't plan this, life's crazy! Craziness aside, this time we have a slight smaller chapter because I wanted to end it with Leon having a small panic attack from his PTSD the poor guy. I recently watched REC, the Spanish found footage horror movie, and OH GODS, it's AMAZING. LOVED it. Took a little to find the one with original Spanish audio, but totally worth it - if there ever was a Resident Evil movie following the games, it had to be like REC; hence why I came back to writing if after such a long time. Also, I'm now watching the RE4 Remake as a movie - I'm a little sad I don't know any streamers I like in English who have played the game, so I'm watching with no commentary, as I did with RE4 looooong ago 'cause I was too scared of chainsaw man. Maybe I'll get to finish this story soon!

Chapter 6

Hospital Arklay Hill, April 29th, 2001 – 22h13

Leon stared at his watch – glancing at the clock on the wall, you understood why his eyes seemed so restless: on his schedule, you had to be at the school in less than ten minutes.

And that would never happen.

“Is it ok if we run a little late?” You quietly asked him, avoiding the ears of the other survivors. Neither of you wanted them to get desperate.

“Yeah, I planned it with a few minutes for us to breathe in case something went wrong.” Even so, his sigh showed Leon wasn’t too happy with that.

You almost smiled. Such a perfectionist. You could easily see how high his standards were for himself – and how much he wanted to achieve them.

“Well, I’m counting Lickers as something going wrong.” Your answer made him huff a quick smile. “Seriously, those things are awful. What was Umbrella thinking…?”

“They weren’t thinking. Period.” Leon’s words were dry and filled with a bitterness that made you stare back at him. As he checked the shotgun’s ammo for the last time, there was something sharp in his eyes – only Leon knew how everything that happened in Raccoon City affected his life. “Ready to go, partner?”

“Oh, yeah, choco chip.” You had a not so happy smile on your lips as your words dripped sarcasm. Leon couldn’t stop himself from chuckling.

“C’mon, we’re getting out of this. You’ll never have to think about it again.”

You sincerely hoped his words to be true.

“When we open this door, no one comes out. I’m gonna check the corridor and when I tell y/n it’s all ok, you can get out. Understood?”

All survivors agreed with their heads – even if you didn’t agree much on Leon going out on his own, seeing you basically saved his life, killing a Licker point blank.

You would do it again if you had to.

Leon silently opened the door, leaving the shotgun hanging on his back. You had no idea why he didn’t have it ready on his hands, but you weren’t a trained agent like him. He didn’t fully close the door so it wouldn’t click and you held it on place – your head almost glued to the wood, trying to hear any kind of noise going on the other side.

“What if he dies out there…?” Valerie’s whisper was almost as silent as a needle dropping on the floor – but those words were as deadly as a nuclear bomb.

Up until that moment, you hadn’t stopped to think about that – and, to be fair, you hadn’t had the chance to think. Everything was chaos and the only thing you were supposed to do was keep going, keep moving to survive that hellish night. But Valerie’s words had reason: what would you all do if Leon, the only one trained and seasoned enough to get through it, died right then and there? What would you do if a Licker shredded him to pieces and decided to wait for you all to come out so you would have the same fate?

If Leon didn’t survive, you probably wouldn’t survive – it was simple as that. But something else hurt in that thought… Yes, you had just met him, but not having him around seemed… Empty. Unfair.

He couldn’t die. Leon wouldn’t die. You would make sure of that – after all, you had fearlessly killed a Licker in the heat of the moment to make sure Leon would keep walking by your side. And you would get out of that damned city together, that was the only certainty you allowed in your heart.

Not wanting to make any noise, you held Valerie’s hand, lightly reassuring the woman everything was going to be alright. She turned her eyes to you, taking a deep breath upon seeing you so calm and sure – still trying to hear whatever was going on outside.

In that situation, though, a few seconds dragged themselves like a whole eternity. You were probably holding your breath, you weren’t really paying attention to that at the moment, when you heard a light scratching on the door.

“Clear.” Leon’s voice was but a murmur, one only you could hear, but it was enough.

You signaled the other survivors to leave the room: the man in the lab coat went first, followed by a father and his teenage son, an elderly woman and finally Valerie. You kept your gun ready in your hands, leaving the room with the door open – if one of those creatures tried to follow from the depths of the corridor, the door could perhaps distract it.

Leon signaled you to take the lead, keeping the shotgun locked and loaded as the scared group followed you towards the door – wincing as soon as they saw the Licker, covering their mouths so they wouldn’t scream in horror. Valerie aided the elderly woman while the lab coat man only rolled his eyes. The father, helped his son walk straight, as the boy was wearing hospital clothes. Leon watched everything carefully at the back of the group – also making sure he was listening carefully.

He had seen survivor’s groups like those – he had talked to Jill and Carlos about their many missions, he had conversations with Chris about his S.T.A.R.S assignments, and he had heard a story or two from Claire. Lab coat man obviously thought everyone was a hinderance, so Leon would keep a sharp eye on him as well: those kinds of people wouldn’t flinch at the chance of sacrificing someone else to save their own skin.

And even if Leon despised those types, he would save that guys’ ass because of his own set of moral values – not because the guy was actually worth something.

As soon as you reached the dead Licker on the floor, you raised your right hand so the group came to a halt – making Leon smirk in the process. You were proving to be quite a surprise and, if he was going to be honest, a very welcome one.

Quietly kicking the Licker aside, you forced the door open one more time – using your stealthier skills as to not make any noise at it. Holding the gun with one hand, you looked back at Leon and, as he nodded, you nodded back, pushing the rest of the door and holding it open with one of your feet, immediately pointing the gun at the corridor you had first seen that horrid creature.

You quickly pointed at one side, then at the other – checking it twice just to make sure. It was empty, quiet, like a forgotten tomb reeking of blood and decay. You furrowed your brows as something immediately came to your mind: what if there were other survivor’s hidden at the hospital who weren’t as lucky as those with you to have an old radio and ask for help? They would be left there to die – and you were right there.

You didn’t have time to search the place with Leon, though. Even if you wanted to, your heart desperately screaming you should delve in deeper and help those who couldn’t help themselves, you couldn’t. You had to save those you were able to save. You had to turn around and never look back.

Shaking your head quickly, you held the door open so the group could continue forward. Leon noticed something was wrong – as you stared at a bloodstain on the floor with an empty yet uncomfortable expression. He had to tap you on the shoulder so you would snap out of it, looking back into his grayish sea eyes, and finding them with a question inside.

You could almost hear him saying ‘are you ok?’ – which seemed to be something you would ask each other infinitely that night.

You nodded back, quietly closing the door and taking the lead once again. You made sure to guide the group through the safest patches of floor – those that weren’t slippery with blood or that weren’t filled with broken things that when stepped on could make a horrible noise. Keeping that pace, you would reach the door in no time.

As the group kept going, Leon’s steps got slower. Something crept from the bowels of the Hospital to cling into his heart; something wasn’t right. He kept walking slowly, trying to figure out that feeling at the base of his stomach – but you were almost there. By crossing the sterile white doors, you would get to the waiting room, then the main hall, and then out.

Leon halted completely when he heard something. Looking back at you and the survivor’s group, it seemed like he was the only one who had heard it. Leon immediately turned his head to the other end of the corridor – covered in complete darkness, looking like an endless descent into hell itself.

The noise came with a gentle gust of cold wind, sounding like a faint breath from something inhuman. As if the Hospital itself was breathing – slowly, ominously… Hungrily. Leon could swear he heard very distant groans and things being knocked out of their place, echoing through the halls and corridors, to almost fail at reaching his ears.

But if there was something he learned at the RPD that fateful night, that would be listening. He survived through carefully hearing and identifying how to choose a slightly safer path that night.

As you reached the white double door, you looked back to check on Leon – only to find him standing at a certain distance from the group, gripping the shotgun with both hands in front of his body, looking back inside the Hospital.

You almost let out an audible sigh. There was no way you could know what he was thinking without speaking to him, but watching Leon looking back made your heart stir with a violent desire of going even deeper into that hell to search for other survivors. There was no way a place as big as that would have only five people alive – and you couldn’t even imagine how harrowing it would be to survive only to be left to die in there, unable to save yourself.

“Leon…?” You risked a murmur, barely noticing how the other survivors watched you both with expectation – and uneasiness. “Leon…!”

As you slightly raised your voice, Leon seemed to snap out of it and look back at you. The worry in his grayish sea eyes was different than the one that resided in yours – making him wonder even more what in the hell was haunting you since you got out from that room. You signaled the double door with your head and he agreed, quickly – but quietly – regrouping.

That alleviated a little bit of the tension on the group – and, as you carefully opened the white door, they had no fear because Leon was on the back giving you cover. Just like before, you stepped in the waiting room first, checking every corner with your gun before holding the door open for the other survivors to come through.

The father told his son not to look at the dead bodies you and Leon had shot before. Valerie did her best to help the elderly woman to cross the path without falling. Lab coat man kept rolling his eyes and fidgeting, almost pushing the father and the son out of his way to reach the exit first – being blocked by you as soon as you reached the milky glass door.

“C’mon. Let’s get out of this fucking place already.”

“You wanna go first and risk being eaten by one of those things? Be my guest.” You waved at the door, staring at him without a single drop of patience left in your body. Leon had already been rude with the man before, so you took the chance to do that too. No one would tell you off if you did so – in a matter of fact, you were probably saying what everyone wanted to say. “Things aren’t much better out there than in here, you know.”

The man looked like he had just eaten a full slice of lemon and was tasting the consequences. If you weren’t in that situation, Leon would’ve probably laughed.

As the milky glass door jammed once more, you looked back at Leon only to see him nodding: you could go to the other room, he would cover you and protect the survivors. Pointing the gun in the air once more, you squeezed through, ready to shoot anything that might have come in during your stay in the Hospital.

And once more, Leon looked back – to the double white doors you had just left behind. Did he hear a… Stomp?

His heart trembled inside his chest. Suddenly, it seemed like the entire Hospital didn’t have enough air for him to breathe. Leon furrowed his brows as his heartbeat got faster. It couldn’t be. That Tyrant, at least that’s what he was told that thing was called, couldn’t be back. He had killed it, blown it into oblivion with a missile launcher – Leon watched as the only thing that was left from that Tyrant were its legs; tearing it in half being the only way to make it stop following Leon around.

For years after he left Raccoon Leon kept dreaming about that. Constant nightmares with that Tyrant following him, sucker punching him every time they met and Leon wasn’t quick enough to run away. It felt like his whole body was broken, but he couldn’t stop running, could he? Even if his bones turned into mush, Leon had to keep running – or he would have never left Raccoon City.

Even now, there were some nights Leon woke up with the sound of those steps viciously approaching him in his nightmares – only to have him open his eyes on his bed, sweating like a pig, barely being able to breathe. He could’ve escaped and killed the creature, but he couldn’t escape meeting it in his dreams when his mind was particularly unstable.

And he could swear he was hearing those stomps, right there in that Hospital, echoing like a ghost coming back from his past to haunt him in the present.

“Leon…?” It was Valerie’s voice that tired to pull him out this time. She carefully tried to touch one of his arms, knowing very well it wasn’t the smartest of choices, given the fact he was holding a gun. But Leon closed his eyes, trying to take deep breaths – Valerie was used to seeing panic attacks and that was the beginning of one. And her rescuer having a panic attack was definitely not a good thing. “Leon. You need to come back.” Her voice was almost inaudible, but she was close enough for him to listen. Placing her whole palm on his arm, she started to gently rub his skin, trying to anchor him back into the present. “Listen to me. It’s ok. We need you here, Leon. Please.”

Those words made him open his eyes again, looking back into Valerie’s eyes. The woman had nothing but reassurance, even in that godforsaken situation – clearly a seasoned nurse who was used to taking care of people… And people like him.

Leon took another deep breath, watching her smile in the process, finally noticing her touch on his arm. With another breath, his heart started beating a little calmer and it seemed like the stomping had stopped. Leon looked back at the white doors again, but nothing could be heard. He closed his eyes once more, taking another breath, and looking back at Valerie right after.

“Thank you. We need to go now.” With those words, he nodded at the jammed door – Leon and Valerie were the only ones left, with you helping the elderly lady squeeze through without getting hurt. Valerie smiled back, immediately going to the door to help you and cross to the other side.

Leon risked one last look to the double door, only to hear nothing. Whatever it was, it would be shut in the bowels of that Hospital forever – and he couldn’t be happier with that.

To be continued...

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cheloumita · 1 year ago

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To the one who ghosted me,

Have you been sleeping well?

Do my memories haunt you at night or when you drink coffee at 3 pm, remembering how I like it?

How do you feel when my name comes up in conversation?

How do you respond when someone asks about me?

How would you explain to them that you chose to stop talking to me?

How would you explain that you didn't just deceive me, but also fooled them?

How would you clarify that you still haven't given me the explanation I deserve for your sudden disappearance?

Was it worth it?

Did it make you a better person?

Was it the best decision?

Do you ever regret it?

Did you regret meeting me, or did you regret leaving me?

Was this your plan all along?

You told me you prayed for me and asked God for a specific sign. You were convinced we were meant for each other, and your feelings intensified over time.

For 6 years, you were there, showing up at the most important times, even when I didn't expect you to.

You stayed long enough to become one of my closest friends, my confidant. You were the keeper of my secrets and my human diary. You knew the passcode, and I let you in.

Gradually, I realized that while I gave chances to unworthy individuals, you remained concealed in plain sight. Everyone else saw it, they rooted for you. The choice was clear, yet I was oblivious. All this time, everything I'd been looking for was right before my eyes.

I gathered the courage to let you know how I felt. Finally, after 6 long years, the chance you'd been trying so hard to get was now handed to you. Whatever this thing is between us has the potential to grow even deeper, something that can last forever.

With you, I felt the security I longed for. I felt that you cured my trust issues because finally someone knows all of me and decided that I was worthy to keep. You saw me for who I am. You knew my fears and flaws. You accepted them along with my other less-appealing qualities. I thought my heart could finally rest.

But then you went radio silent on me.

You vanished.

Suddenly gone.

For almost 2 years, I wondered, "What did I do wrong?" Did I say something that scared you away? I reviewed our past conversations countless times, scrutinizing each exchange, trying to discern why you disappeared. I enumerated potential reasons and even questioned my own shortcomings. Despite my self-assuredness, I magnified every flaw, driven to uncover the cause of your sudden departure. I was fully convinced that the problem was me.

You and I could talk about anything. Maybe your reason for leaving without a word is valid. Maybe you're not emotionally ready to share it yet. Despite the silence, I clung to the belief that it would make sense. I was prepared to apologize.

And when I finally talked to you, you never gave me a reason.

All you had for me was, "I'm sorry, I was wrong."

I begged for a reason, but you gave a petty excuse, reeking of cowardice.

You didn't really get in touch with me for an explanation; you reached out for reconciliation. You thought you could go back and pick up where we left off.

You were confident I'd take you back because you knew me. You watched me fall for you, slowly but surely.

You presumed you can have me back whenever it's convenient for you.

You knew that I was the type of girl who doesn’t fall easily. I take my time before I give my heart. I was loyal, even to a fault and you used that against me.

You played the long game, covering all bases for a sure win.

You are the type of person that gives and then takes it all away.

But I can't take back a person who wasn't truly sorry. Someone who stopped talking to a girl he professed love to because it was suddenly inconvenient. Someone who was okay with me hurting and waiting.

As much as it pained me, I decided to stop talking to you. I poured out my feelings, explaining in detail why I won't talk to you anymore. Up until the end, I gave you clarity, while you just gave me heartache.

To top it off, you accepted my decision without any resistance. You didn't even say you'd wait for me to forgive you. You just said goodbye, fast, like we meant nothing.

You even have the nerve to try and evoke guilt, saying, "I guess they're right, I don't deserve a girl like you."

Your words dripped with pathetic insincerity.

To the one who ghosted me, sometimes you have to lose someone for a lifetime to learn your lesson.

To the one who ghosted me, sometimes there are no second chances.

To the one who ghosted me, you should've kept me.

To the one who ghosted me, you hurt me the most.

Because of you, my defenses heightened and became impenetrable.

Because of you, I can't trust new people. I can’t even trust myself.

I told you what hurts me, and you did it perfectly.

Because of you, I hate parts of me I used to love.

Because of you, I question if I can ever be loved.

Because of you, I question motives of anyone to tries to get close to me.

To the one who ghosted me, sometimes I still miss you and what could've been.

To the one who ghosted me, I'm still picking up the pieces you broke.

To the one who ghosted me, I hope the echoes of regret will haunt you for life.

#letter #unsent letters #ghosted #Spotify #letter three

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thedashingcaptainweird · 3 years ago

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The "Newlyweds" Game: Max and Orion

I was tagged a while ago by @the-lastcall (thank you!) and had loads of fun doing this, and even drew a silly little thing. You should try it with your special couple!

(Also, Max and Orion aren't married, it's just the name of the game 😆)

1. Who can outdrink the other?

Orion: He's gonna say it's me, so he can maintain the mysterious and sophisticated air of a man who doesn't get wild on vices. But that guy could drink a handle of Glacial Aged and still recite the six pillars of Scientism. Even if he has renounced them.

Max: Me, no question. Orion starts to fall asleep after half a glass of wine. It's rather sweet, honestly.

2. Who says “I love you” more?

Orion: Who tits for tats on something like that? I say it, he says it, and not a minute goes by that I don't know it's true.

Max: I don't think I could possibly repay the 'I love you's" he impresses upon me, though I try. The DeSotos were a much… quieter and emotionally withheld set than my dear Captain, and we didn’t say it very often.

3. Who has trouble sleeping alone?

Orion: Me. Can you blame me? I slept alone for 74 years. And yes. I know I was only in the tube for 70.

Max: Orion.

4. Who swears more?

Orion: I think we'd both earn an R rating if we were in a movie.

Max: Me.

5. Who does more of the housework?

Orion: SAM.

Max: The automechanical. And me.

6. Who forgets their anniversary?

Orion: Max, but I seriously don't mind. It just means I get to look the chivalrous hero when I plan some winning set up, and I get to see that sly smile of his.

Max: Time is an illusion after all. What matters is how we spend each present moment, and I feel we do well by that measure.

7. Who steals the duvet in their sleep?

Orion: Me

Max: I hope you’ll pardon my ignorance, but what does “duvet” mean?

8. Who keeps the other awake at night with their snoring?

Orion: As far as I know, neither of us?

Max: I've never been awakened by it, if it happens. And I do believe Orion would do me the courtesy of letting me know if I snored. I doubt he'd let me live it down.

9. Who finds stray animals and begs the other to let them keep them?

Orion: Hey, Max heavily implied I should bring that weird little mutt onboard. Him and Felix. Little thing gives me the creeps. But what am I gonna do… say no to Felix and Max?

Max: Did he tell you that I begged him to keep Anubis? Because… guilty as charged. The canid is quite a sharp little fellow, and a good companion. I'd do it again.

10. Who usually makes dinner?

Orion: It's one of my favorite things to do.

Max: Orion. It seems to make him very happy, and admittedly he's much better at it than I am. But helping him do it, being a part of the process, I find I enjoy that immensely

11. Who plays their music out loud?

Orion: Me. It isn't like Halcyon...ites? Halcyoners…? It isn't like people in Halcyon actually have real music. I mean it wasn't even all that great in my time. I go back a couple centuries for the good stuff.

Max: He plays these incredibly theatrical, over the top, but admittedly catchy ballads and sings along with them with great enthusiasm. It's quite a spectacle. Old Earth music had a lot of heart.

12. Who hogs the bathroom?

Orion: me

Max: It takes him an obscenely long time to get ready for the day.

13. Who gives the most compliments?

Orion: Max

Max: Orion

14. Who usually starts/causes arguments between you?

Orion: Used to be Max. Now? I honestly couldn't tell ya. We don't tiptoe around our differences anymore. I’ll tell him anything, even if that means telling him he's pissing me off

Max: Likely me. You know how I can be.

15. Who isn’t afraid to embarrass the other in public?

Orion: I guess I'd be worried about embarrassing anyone in public. I want him to feel safe and confident with me. But, I guess I'm a bit much sometimes… over the top? Flamboyant? Anyway not much seems to embarrass him anymore.

Max: Embarrassment is in the mind, and comes from an inability to let go of our own sense of self importance.

16. Who gives the other cringeworthy pet names?

Orion: It's probably weird that I still call him Preacher, isn't it?

Max: Is it strange that I still use Captain from time to time?

17. Who fusses over the other when they get sick?

Orion: He is so gentle and kind when I'm sick. It's almost too much. More than I deserve.

Max: "Fuss" isn't a strong enough word for what Orion does. Every time I get so much as a fucking splinter you'd think the universe was crashing down around us and only he had the power to stop it.

18. Who finds it impossible to stay angry at the other for long?

Orion: I can't stay mad at him

Max: I can't stay mad at him

19. Who clings to the other for comfort when they’re sad or scared?

Orion: Look. If you’re scared, there is no person in the star system… probably the universe… who is going to keep you safer than Max.

Max: Orion provides an emotional security and comfort that I am entirely unused to, on a level that I’m not sure can be matched by any other human being. In terms of actual physical protection and safety? His strengths lie elsewhere.

20. Who is more ‘physically passionate’? (hugs, kisses, or maybe more…)

Orion: I think most people would be surprised how physically “passionate” he is. I mean, imagine his enthusiasm out on the tossball pitch or in a fray… and turn that into something intimate. It’s. Uh. Really something.

Max: I’m sure he’s telling you all sorts of sordid details, but that simply isn’t my style. You’ll have to use your imagination.

#captain orion augustus #maximillian desoto #the outer worlds #my art #maximillian desoto/male captain

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ibuki-loves-you · 4 years ago

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cutely sends the shrek script

nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!Peter Pan: He can fly!Pigs: He can fly!Captain of the Guards: He can talk!Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.Captain of the Guards: Seize him!Guard 7: After him! He's getting away![Grunts, Gasps]Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!Shrek: Aye?Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?[Gasps, Whimpering]Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.[Roaring]Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.Shrek: Why are you following me?Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?Donkey: Nope.Shrek: Really?Donkey: Really, really.Shrek: Oh.Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?Shrek: Uh, Shrek.Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?Shrek: That would be my home.Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?Shrek: I like my privacy.Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you?Shrek: Uh, what?Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?Shrek: Of course!Donkey: Really?Shrek: No.Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.Donkey: Ah! Thank you!Shrek: What are you-- No. No.Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.Shrek: Oh!Donkey: Where do,

uh, I sleep?Shrek: Outside!Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪[Bubbling][Sighs][Creaking]Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?Donkey: I am outside.[Clattering][Clattering]Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.Gorder: What a lovely bed.Shrek: Got ya.Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?Gorder: How did you know?Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey![Snickers]Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]Wolf: What?Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?Wolf: Aah!Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.[Cackling][Cackling Continues]Shrek: What?Girl: Quit it. Don't push.[Squeaking][Lows]Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp?[Gasping]Fairies: Oh, dear!Dwarf: Whoa!Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.Dwarf: Oh![Sighs]Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.Shrek: What?Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.Shrek: By who?Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice.Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.[Murmuring]Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?Donkey: Me! Me!Shrek: Anyone?Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from![Cheering][Twittering][Cheering Continues]Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek.Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh!Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪Shrek: What did I say about singing?Donkey: Can I whistle?Shrek: No.Donkey: Can I hum it?Shrek: All right, hum it.♪♪ [Humming][Gurgling][Coughing]Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.[Coughing]Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!Gingy: You're a monster.Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?Gingy: Eat me![Spits]Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man.Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.Farquaad: The muffin man?Gingy: The muffin man!Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.[Door Opens]Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.[Man Grunting][Gasping]Gingy: Oh!Farquaad: Magic Mirror.Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying?Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Farquaad: Go

on.Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.Farquaad: I'll do it.Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.Shrek: Hey, you![Screams]Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--[Whimpering][Sighs][Whimpering, Groans][Turnstile Clatters][Chuckles][Sighs]♪♪ [Instrumental Music]Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.[Creaking]Shrek: Where is everybody?Donkey: Hey, look at this![Clattering, Whirring, Clicking][Clicking][Clicking Quickens]Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪[Camera Shutter Clicks][Whirring]Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No.[Trumpet Fanfare][Crowd Cheering]Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.[Donkey Humming]Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself--Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.Donkey: Sorry about that.[Cheering]Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.[Cheering]Farquaad: Let the tournament begin![Gasps]Knight 1: Oh!Farquaad: What is that?[Gasping]Farquaad: It's hideous!Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.Donkey: Huh?Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!Knight 2: Get him!Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.Woman: Go ahead! Get him!Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?Knight 3: Kill the beast!Shrek: No? All right then. Come on![♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing]Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪Knight 4: Damn![Whinnying]Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do

what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪Shrek: Ah! [Laughs]Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪Shrek: Yeah!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪[Bell Dings][Cheering]Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha![Shrek Laughs][Crowd Gasping, Murmuring]Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir?Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!Shrek: What?Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.Farquaad: Your swamp?Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures![Crowd Murmuring]Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.Shrek: Exactly the way it was?Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.Shrek: And the squatters?Farquaad: As good as gone.Shrek: What kind of quest?Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.Donkey: Example?Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink?Shrek: Yes-- No!Donkey: They make you cry?Shrek: No!Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs]Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes.Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet.Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming.Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.[♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing]The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone

either.[Rumbling]Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing]Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers?Shrek: Oh, aye.Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.Donkey: You know what I mean.Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.Donkey: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please.Shrek: But you're already halfway.Donkey: But I know that half is safe!Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we?Donkey: Don't do that!Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?Donkey: Yes, that!Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay.Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it!Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it.Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.[Water Dripping][Wind Howling]Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid?Shrek: No, but-- Shh.Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps]Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?Shrek: I read it in a book once.Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.[Creaking]Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps][Roars]Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams][Screams][Whimpering]Shrek: Got ya![Roars][Gasps]Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming]Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping][Growls]Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have.[Growls]Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek![Groans, Sighs]♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]Fiona: Oh! Oh!Shrek in Armor: Wake up!Fiona: What?Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go!Fiona: But,

wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time.Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed.Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion?Shrek: Um, Shrek.Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.Shrek in Armor: Thanks.[Roaring]Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on!Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass.Fiona: What kind of knight are you?Shrek in Armor: One of the kind.Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh![Growls][Roars][Roaring][Gasps]Donkey: Hi, Princess!Fiona: It talks!Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming]Shrek: Oh![Thuds][Groans][Shrek Groans][Roars][Roars][Roaring][Roars]Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run![Gasping][Screaming][Screams][Roars][Panting, Sighs][Whimpers][Roars][Roars, Whimpers][Dragon Growling In The Distance]Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.[Clears Throat]Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed?Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.Shrek in Armor: Uh, no.Fiona: Why not?Shrek: I have helmet hair.Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st.Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description.Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?Fiona: Well, yes.[Laughing][Laughing]Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!Fiona: What is so funny?Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet.Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.Fiona: Just take off the helmet.Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to.Fiona: Take it off.Shrek in Amror: No!Fiona: Now!Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness.Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre.Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.Fiona: Well, yes,

actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you.Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me?Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet.Donkey: So much for noble steed.Shrek: You're not making my job any easier.Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here.Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down!Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?Donkey: I'm right behind ya.Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams]Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs]Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him.[Both Laughing]Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?Shrek: No, that'll take longer.Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods.Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good.Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now![Bird Wings Fluttering]Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here.Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?[Crashing]Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.Fiona: I said, good night!Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding.[Fire Crackling]Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.Donkey: I know you're making this up.Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?Shrek: Our swamp?Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.Shrek: No. Do ya think?Donkey: Are you hidin' something?Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it?Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?Shrek: Why do you always want to?Donkey: Why are you blocking?Shrek: I'm not blocking.Donkey: Yes, you are.Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you.Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?Shrek: Everyone! Okay?Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere.Shrek: Oh! For

the love of Pete!Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.Shrek: Yeah, I know.Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?Shrek: That's the moon.Donkey: Oh, okay.♪♪ [Orchestra]♪♪ [Dulcimer]Farquaad: Again. Show me again.[Music Stops, Rewinds]Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.Mirror: Hmph.[Rewinds, Resumes]Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales][Snoring]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Whistling Continues]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizes]♪♪ [Whistles]♪♪ [Vocalizing]♪♪ [Whistling]♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched]♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched]♪♪ [Continues][Sizzling][Sniffs, Yawns]Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it.Shrek: Donkey, wake up.Donkey: Huh? What?Shrek: Wake up.Donkey: What?Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?Donkey: Good morning, Princess!Shrek: What's all this about?Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.Shrek: Uh, thanks.[Sniffs]Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.[Belches]Donkey: Shrek!Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs]Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.[Belches]Fiona: Thanks.Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing]Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!Shrek: Princess?[Laughs]Fiona: What are you doing?Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast.Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own!Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are!Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs]♪♪ [Accordion]Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪[Tarzan Yell][Grunts, Groans][Karate Yell][Merry Men Gasping]Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying!Man: Oh, you little--[Karate Yell]♪♪ [Accordion][Tarzan woman yell][Shouting, Groaning][Tarzan woman yells about 3 times][Groaning]Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we?Shrek: Hold the phone.[Grunts]Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?Fiona: What?Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt!Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.Donkey: Why? What's wrong?Fiona: Shrek's hurt.Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your

legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: What are the flowers for?Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.Shrek: Ah.Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.Fiona: Don't move.Shrek: Look, time out.Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do?Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.Shrek: Ow!Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!Shrek: Ow! Not good.Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.[Grunts]Fiona: It's just about--Shrek: Ow! Ohh!Donkey: Ahem.Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh--Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow!Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs][Bird Chirping][♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing][Grunts]Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪Donkey: Aah!Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪[Croaks]Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪Fiona: Hey!Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪[Both Laughing]Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la.Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.Fiona: That's Duloc?Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow!Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one.Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.[Blubbering]Shrek: What?Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?Fiona: I'll make you some tea.Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See?Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.Fiona: I'll get the firewood.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.Fiona: No kidding.Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling]Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that.[Slurps, Laughs]Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪Shrek: Um, Princess?Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I, um, I was wondering.Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪Shrek: Are you--Donkey: You belong to me.Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that?[Chuckles]Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.Shrek: What?Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid

of the dark.[Shrek Sighs]Fiona: Good night.Shrek: Good night.[Door Creaks]Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm--Donkey: An ogre?Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.Donkey: Hey, where you goin'?Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs]Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?[Wings Fluttering]Donkey: Princess?[Creaking]Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.[Screams]Donkey: Aah!Fiona: Oh, no!Donkey: No, help!Fiona: Shh!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay.Donkey: What did you do with the princess?Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess.Donkey: Aah!Fiona: It's me, in this body.Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?Fiona: Donkey!Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!Fiona: No!Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!Fiona: Shh.Donkey: Shrek!Fiona: This is me.Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.Fiona I'm ugly, okay?Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember.Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs]Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.Fiona: Shrek?Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.[Deep Sigh]Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.[Door Opens][Snoring]Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want--[Snoring]Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's

something I have to tell you.Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.Fiona: You heard what I said?Shrek: Every word.Fiona: I thought you'd understand.Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.[Gasps, Sighs]Shrek: Ah, right on time.[Horse Whinnies]Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something.♪♪ [Fanfare]Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.Farquaad: Princess Fiona.Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.[Gasps]Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make.Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests!Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.Shrek: Yeah? So what?Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's--Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!Donkey: But I thought--Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!Donkey: Shrek.[♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing]John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪[Moaning]John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪[Thumping Sound]Shrek: Donkey?[Grunts]Shrek: What are you doing?Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.Shrek: Back off!Donkey: No, you back off.Shrek: This is my swamp!Donkey: Our swamp.Shrek: Let go, Donkey!Donkey: You let go.Shrek: Stubborn jackass!Donkey: Smelly ogre.Shrek: Fine!Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.Shrek: Well, I'm through with you.Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me

and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back!Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.Shrek: Go away!Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?Shrek: Donkey!Donkey: No!Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?Donkey: Hmph.Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?Shrek: Right. Friends?Donkey: Friends.Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles]Shrek: Donkey?[Donkey Laughing]Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism.Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you.Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo![Bells Tolling][All Gasping]Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...Fiona: Um-- of our now king--Bishop: Excuse me.Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on.Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you?Shrek: What are you talking about?Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"Shrek: I don't have time for this!Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: You wanna hold her?Shrek: Yes.Donkey: Please her?Shrek: Yes!Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap!Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?Donkey: We gotta check it out.[Donkey Grunting]Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...Shrek: What do you see?Donkey: The whole town's in there.Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife...Donkey: They're at the altar.Bishop: ...king and queen.Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete![Grunts]Shrek: I object!Fiona: Shrek?[Gasps]Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?[Crowd Clamoring]Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.Fiona: What are you doing here?Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--Shrek: But you can't marry him.Fiona: And why not?Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.Shrek: He's not your true love.Fiona: And what do you know about true love?Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean--Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord.[Crowd Laughing]Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues]Fiona: Shrek, is this true?Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm!Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.[Whimpers][Crowd Gasping]Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a

lot.Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!Fiona: No, no! Shrek!Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek!Shrek: No!Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons.Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!Fiona: No! Shrek!Farquaad: And as for you, my wife,Shrek: Fiona!Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king![Whistles]Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah!Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.[Dragon Roars]Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge![Belches]Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?[Cheering]Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.Shrek: Uh, Fiona?Fiona: Yes, Shrek?Shrek: I-- I love you.Fiona: Really?Shrek: Really, really.Fiona: I love you too.All: Aawww!Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form."Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.Shrek: But you are beautiful.[Chuckles]Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending.[♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing]Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪All: Oy!Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪Gingy: God bless us, every one.Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪Mice: Ooh! Uh!Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

i hope you know you crashed my tumblr, made my phone lag, and cursed my feed. thank you so much /j

nah but fr thats fucking hilarious BHAHAHAHA - MOD IBUKI

#mod ibuki talks!

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black-5abbath · 4 years ago

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Shrek: "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [Laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen. [Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes] Shrek: What a load of-- [Toilet Door slams] Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool. [♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪ [Shouting] Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ [Belches] Villagers: Go! Go! [Record Scrating] Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪ Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you? Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. Villager 3: No! Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Gasping] Villager 3: Right. [Roaring] [Shouting] [Roaring] [Roaring Continues] [Shouting Continues] Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away. [Gasping] Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs] Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away! [Gasps] Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up! Captain of the Guards: Next! Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over. Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. Guard 4: Get up! Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces. Guard 5: Come on! [Thudding] Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet! Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small. Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old Lady: Oh, shut up! Donkey: Oh! Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got? Geppetto: This little wooden puppet. Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Captain of the Guards: Next. Pinocchio: Help me! Captain of the Guards: What have you got? Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey. [Grunts] Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. Captain of the Guards: Well? Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt-- Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight. Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk! Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly! Peter Pan: He can fly! Pigs: He can fly! Captain of the Guards: He can talk! Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. Captain of the Guards: Seize him! Guard 7: After him! He's getting away! [Grunts, Gasps] Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn! Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre! Shrek: Aye? Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility. Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? [Gasps, Whimpering] Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible! Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa! Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really. Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Roaring] Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. Shrek: Why are you following me? Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪ Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey: Uh-- Really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know? Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please? Shrek: Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! Shrek: What are you-- No. No. Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles. Shrek: Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: Outside! Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪ [Bubbling] [Sighs] [Creaking] Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside? Donkey: I am outside. [Clattering] [Clattering] Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Gorder: What a lovely bed. Shrek: Got ya. Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese. Shrek: Ow! [Grunts] Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder? Gorder: How did you know? Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey! [Snickers] Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: Huh? [Gasps] Wolf: What? Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? Wolf: Aah! Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no. [Cackling] [Cackling Continues] Shrek: What? Girl: Quit it. Don't push. [Squeaking] [Lows] Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp? Swamp? Swamp? [Gasping] Fairies: Oh, dear! Dwarf: Whoa! Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Dwarf: Quickly. Come on! Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. Dwarf: Oh! [Sighs] Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us. Shrek: What? Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Shrek: By who? Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he... singed an eviction notice. Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is. [Murmuring] Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Donkey: Me! Me! Shrek: Anyone? Donkey: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from! [Cheering] [Twittering] [Cheering Continues] Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me. Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. Dwarf: Hey. Oh, oh! Donkey: ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪ Shrek: What did I say about singing? Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it? Shrek: All right, hum it. ♪♪ [Humming] [Gurgling] [Coughing] Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk. [Coughing] Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! Gingy: You're a monster. Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!? Gingy: Eat me! [Spits] Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them? Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man. Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man! Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. [Door Opens] Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it. Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. [Man Grunting] [Gasping] Gingy: Oh! Farquaad: Magic Mirror. Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No! Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three? Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. [♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing] Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪ Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪ Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go-- Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset. Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs] Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you! [Screams] Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just-- [Whimpering] [Sighs] [Whimpering, Groans] [Turnstile Clatters] [Chuckles] [Sighs] ♪♪ [Instrumental Music] Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. [Creaking] Shrek: Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! [Clattering, Whirring, Clicking] [Clicking] [Clicking Quickens] Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪ [Camera Shutter Clicks] [Whirring] Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again! Shrek: No. No. No, no, no! No. [Trumpet Fanfare] [Crowd Cheering] Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. [Donkey Humming] Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself-- Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about that. [Cheering] Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. [Cheering] Farquaad: Let the tournament begin! [Gasps] Knight 1: Oh! Farquaad: What is that? [Gasping] Farquaad: It's hideous! Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Donkey: Huh? Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Knight 2: Get him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. Woman: Go ahead! Get him! Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint? Knight 3: Kill the beast! Shrek: No? All right then. Come on! [♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing] Halfcocked: ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪ Knight 4: Damn! [Whinnying] Halfcocked: ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪ Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪ Shrek: Ah! [Laughs] Halfcocked: ♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪ Shrek: Yeah! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪ Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair! Halfcocked: ♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪ [Bell Dings] [Cheering] Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [Shrek Laughs] [Crowd Gasping, Murmuring] Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion! Shrek: What? Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back. Farquaad: Your swamp? Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! [Crowd Murmuring] Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: As good as gone. Shrek: What kind of quest? Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no. Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Donkey: [Sniffs] They stink? Shrek: Yes-- No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [Sighs] Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet. Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. [♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers Playing] The Proclaimers: ♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪ Donkey: Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [Sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either. [Rumbling] Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [Laughing] Donkey: Shrek? Remember when you said ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [Gasps] Shrek! I'm lookin' down! God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Please. Shrek: But you're already halfway. Donkey: But I know that half is safe! Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait! Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey: Don't do that! Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? Donkey: Yes, that! Shrek: This? This, do it. Okay. Donkey: [Screams] No, Shrek! No! Stop it! Shrek: You said do it. I'm doin' it. Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. Donkey: Cool. So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. [Water Dripping] [Wind Howling] Donkey: [Donkey Whispering] You afraid? Shrek: No, but-- Shh. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. [Gasps] 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. [Gasps] Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book once. Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [Creaking] Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it. Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--? Donkey: Dragon! [Screams] [Gasps] [Roars] Shrek: Donkey, look out! [Screams] [Screams] [Whimpering] Shrek: Got ya! [Roars] [Gasps] Shrek: [Shouts] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming] Donkey: [Gasps] Oh! Aah! Aah! [Gasping] [Growls] Donkey: No. Oh, no. No! [Screams] Oh, what large teeth you have. [Growls] Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. 'Cause, you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Gasps] [Whimpering] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Groans, Sighs] ♪♪ [Chorus Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] Fiona: Oh! Oh! Shrek in Armor: Wake up! Fiona: What? Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona? Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Shrek in Armor: Oh, that's nice. Now, let's go! Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Shrek in Amror: Yeah. Sorry, lady. There's no time. Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Shrek in Armor: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Fiona: Mm-hmm. [Screams, Grunts] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek in Armor: I don't think so. Fiona: Can I at least know the name of my champion? Shrek: Um, Shrek. Fiona: Sir Shrek. [Clears Throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Shrek in Armor: Thanks. [Roaring] Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon? Shrek in Armor: It's on my to-do list. Now, come on! Fiona: [Screams] But this isn't right! You’re meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying! That's what all the other knights did! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, right before they burst into flame! Fiona: You know, that's not the point! Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. Shrek in Armor: Well, I have to save my ass. Fiona: What kind of knight are you? Shrek in Armor: One of the kind. Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. [Laughs] I don't to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude-- Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and-- I'd really love to stay, but-- Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal ail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh! [Growls] [Roars] [Roaring] [Gasps] Donkey: Hi, Princess! Fiona: It talks! Shrek in Armor: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick! Donkey: Shrek! [Screams] [Screaming] Shrek: Oh! [Thuds] [Groans] [Shrek Groans] [Roars] [Roars] [Roaring] [Roars] Shrek in Armor: Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. [Echoing] Run! [Gasping] [Screaming] [Screams] [Roars] [Panting, Sighs] [Whimpers] [Roars] [Roars, Whimpers] [Dragon Growling In The Distance] Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. You're-- You're wonderful. You're... A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. [Clears Throat] Fiona: And where would be a brave knight be without his noble steed? Donkey: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed. Fiona: [Fiona Laughs] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. Shrek in Armor: Uh, no. Fiona: Why not? Shrek: I have helmet hair. Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. Shrek in Armor: No, no, you wouldn't'st. Fiona: But, how will you kiss me? Shrek in Armor: What? That job wasn't in the job description. Donkey: Maybe it's a perk. Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon, is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love? Fiona: Well, yes. [Laughing] [Laughing] Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love! Fiona: What is so funny? Shrek in Armor: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now-- Now remove your helmet. Shrek in Amror: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. Fiona: Just take off the helmet. Shrek in Amror: I'm not going to. Fiona: Take it off. Shrek in Amror: No! Fiona: Now! Shrek in Armor: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. Fiona: You-- You're-- an ogre. Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay. He's the one who wants to marry you. Fiona: Then why didn't he come to rescue me? Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre and his pet. Donkey: So much for noble steed. Shrek: You're not making my job any easier. Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. Fiona: You wouldn't dare. Put me down! Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey? Donkey: I'm right behind ya. Fiona: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [Screams] Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right? But you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your-- Hey! [Sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better. Donkey: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful! Fiona: And my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? Shrek: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's standards are in short supply. [Laughs] Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. [Both Laughing] Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. Shrek: Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. Fiona: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? Shrek: No, that'll take longer. Fiona: But there's robbers in the woods. Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is definitely startin' to sound good. Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp now! [Bird Wings Fluttering] Shrek: [Grunting] Hey! Over here. Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? [Crashing] Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. Fiona: I said, good night! Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? Shrek: [Laughs] I just-- You know-- Oh, come on. I was just kidding. [Fire Crackling] Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. Donkey: I know you're making this up. Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. Donkey: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. Shrek: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. Donkey: [Sighs] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? Shrek: Our swamp? Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. Shrek: We? Donkey, there is no "we." There's no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. Shrek: No. Do ya think? Donkey: Are you hidin' something? Shrek: Never mind, Donkey. Donkey: Oh! This is another one of those onion things, isn't it? Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things. Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it? Shrek: Why do you always want to? Donkey: Why are you blocking? Shrek: I'm not blocking. Donkey: Yes, you are. Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you. Donkey: Who you trying to keep out? Shrek: Everyone! Okay? Donkey: Now we're gettin' somewhere. Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! Donkey: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world? Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" [Sighs] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Shrek: Yeah, I know. Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. Donkey: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Shrek: That's the moon. Donkey: Oh, okay. ♪♪ [Orchestra] ♪♪ [Dulcimer] Farquaad: Again. Show me again. [Music Stops, Rewinds] Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Mirror: Hmph. [Rewinds, Resumes] Farquaad: Ah. Perfect. [Inhales] [Snoring] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Vocalizing Continues] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Whistling Continues] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ♪♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizes] ��♪ [Whistles] ♪♪ [Vocalizing] ♪♪ [Whistling] ♪♪ [Vocalizing, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Whistling, High-pitched] ♪♪ [Continues] [Sizzling] [Sniffs, Yawns] Shrek: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Donkey: Come on, baby. I said I like it. Shrek: Donkey, wake up. Donkey: Huh? What? Shrek: Wake up. Donkey: What? Fiona: Good morning. How do you like your eggs? Donkey: Good morning, Princess! Shrek: What's all this about? Fiona: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me. Shrek: Uh, thanks. [Sniffs] Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. [Belches] Donkey: Shrek! Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [Laughs] Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. [Belches] Fiona: Thanks. Donkey: She's as nasty as you are. Shrek: [Laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected. Fiona: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing] Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey! Shrek: Princess? [Laughs] Fiona: What are you doing? Monsieur Hood: Be still, cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green [Kissing Sounds] beast. Shrek: Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own! Monsieur Hood: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Fiona: Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are! Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! How rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [Laughs] ♪♪ [Accordion] Merry Men: ♪ Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪ Man: ♪ He takes a wee percentage. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood! ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-- ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ Paid. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ So. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ That's bad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪ Merry Men: ♪ He's mad. He's really, really mad. ♪ Monsieur Hood: ♪ I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start! ♪ [Tarzan Yell] [Grunts, Groans] [Karate Yell] [Merry Men Gasping] Fiona: [Panting] Man, that was annoying! Man: Oh, you little-- [Karate Yell] ♪♪ [Accordion] [Tarzan woman yell] [Shouting, Groaning] [Tarzan woman yells about 3 times] [Groaning] Fiona: [Chuckles] Um, shall we? Shrek: Hold the phone. [Grunts] Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? Fiona: What? Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? Fiona: Well-- [Chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a-- There's an arrow in your butt! Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that? Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. Donkey: Why? What's wrong? Fiona: Shrek's hurt. Donkey: Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay. Donkey: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: What are the flowers for? Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey. Shrek: Ah. Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. Fiona: I'm sorry, but it has to come out. Shrek: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help. Fiona: Don't move. Shrek: Look, time out. Fiona: Would you-- [Grunts] Okay. What do you propose we do? Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Shrek: Ow! Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! Shrek: Ow! Not good. Fiona: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head. [Grunts] Fiona: It's just about-- Shrek: Ow! Ohh! Donkey: Ahem. Shrek: Nothing happened. We were just, uh-- Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay. Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just-- Ugh! Ow! Donkey: Hey, what's that? [Nervous Chuckle] That's-- Is that blood? [Sighs] [Bird Chirping] [♪ My Beloved Monster By Eels Playing] [Grunts] Eels: ♪ My beloved monster and me. We go everywhere together. Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves, gets us through all kinds of weather. ♪ Donkey: Aah! Eels: ♪ She will always be the only thing. That comes between me and the awful sting. That comes from living in the world that's so damn mean. ♪ [Croaks] Eels: ♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪ Fiona: Hey! Eels: ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪ [Both Laughing] Eels: La-la, la-la, la-la. Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. Fiona: That's Duloc? Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really-- Ow! Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move one. Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey. [Blubbering] Shrek: What? Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine. Fiona: That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? Fiona: I'll make you some tea. Donkey: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [Bones Crunch] Ow! See? Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. Fiona: I'll get the firewood. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. Fiona: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? Shrek: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. Fiona: No kidding. Shrek: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [Chuckling] Donkey: [Sighs] I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. Shrek: [Gulps] Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it. Fiona: [Chuckles] I'd like that. [Slurps, Laughs] Donkey: ♪ See the pyramids along the Nile. ♪ Shrek: Um, Princess? Donkey: ♪ Watch the sunrise from a tropical isle. ♪ Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I, um, I was wondering. Donkey: ♪ Just remember, darling all the while. ♪ Shrek: Are you-- Donkey: You belong to me. Shrek: [Sighs] Are you gonna eat that? [Chuckles] Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. Fiona: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. Shrek: What? Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. [Shrek Sighs] Fiona: Good night. Shrek: Good night. [Door Creaks] Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about? Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it. Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. Shrek: I-- There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't-- she's a princess, and I'm-- Donkey: An ogre? Shrek: Yeah. An ogre. Donkey: Hey, where you goin'? Shrek: To get... more firewood. [Sighs] Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? [Wings Fluttering] Donkey: Princess? [Creaking] Donkey: [Gasps] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. [Screams] Donkey: Aah! Fiona: Oh, no! Donkey: No, help! Fiona: Shh! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: No, it's okay. It's okay. Donkey: What did you do with the princess? Fiona: Donkey, I'm the princess. Donkey: Aah! Fiona: It's me, in this body. Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me? Fiona: Donkey! Donkey: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! Fiona: No! Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Fiona: Shh. Donkey: Shrek! Fiona: This is me. Donkey: [Muffled Mumbling] Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. Fiona I'm ugly, okay? Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now-- Fiona: No. I-- I've been this way as long as I can remember. Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." Donkey: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. Fiona: It's a spell. [Sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [Sobs] Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. Fiona: But, Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. Donkey: But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common. Fiona: Shrek? Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh-- [Sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. [Deep Sigh] Fiona: Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise! Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. [Door Opens] [Snoring] Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want-- [Snoring] Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right? Shrek: Perfect! Never been better. Fiona: I-- I don't-- There's something I have to tell you. Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. Fiona: You heard what I said? Shrek: Every word. Fiona: I thought you'd understand. Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. [Gasps, Sighs] Shrek: Ah, right on time. [Horse Whinnies] Shrek: Princess, I've brought you a little something. ♪♪ [Fanfare] Donkey: [Yawns] What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [Muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over. Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, ad agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have ever seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Fiona: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell. Farquaad: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't. Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. [Gasps] Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make. Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre. Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. Shrek: Yeah? So what? Donkey: Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's-- Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? Donkey: Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you. Shrek: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! Donkey: But I thought-- Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! Donkey: Shrek. [♪ Hallelujah By John Cale Playing] John Cale: ♪ I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord. But you don't really care for music, do ya? It goes like this the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Baby, I've been here before, I know this room I've walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you. I've seen your flag on the marble arch, but love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's broken hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. And all I ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. ♪ [Moaning] John Cale: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪ [Thumping Sound] Shrek: Donkey? [Grunts] Shrek: What are you doing? Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. Donkey: It is. Around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half. Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm. Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. Shrek: Back off! Donkey: No, you back off. Shrek: This is my swamp! Donkey: Our swamp. Shrek: Let go, Donkey! Donkey: You let go. Shrek: Stubborn jackass! Donkey: Smelly ogre. Shrek: Fine! Donkey: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. Shrek: Well, I'm through with you. Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back! Donkey: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Shrek: Go away! Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? Shrek: Donkey! Donkey: No! Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? Donkey: Hmph. Shrek: [Sighs] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right? Shrek: Right. Friends? Donkey: Friends. Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me? Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time. Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way. [Whistles] Shrek: Donkey? [Donkey Laughing] Donkey: I guess it's just an animal magnetism. Shrek: [Laughing] Aw, come here, you. Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [Donkey Laughing] Whoo! [Bells Tolling] [All Gasping] Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union... Fiona: Um-- of our now king-- Bishop: Excuse me. Fiona: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? Farquaad: [Chuckling] Go on. Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? Shrek: What are you talking about? Donkey: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" Shrek: I don't have time for this! Donkey: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: You wanna hold her? Shrek: Yes. Donkey: Please her? Shrek: Yes! Donkey: ♪ Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. ♪ The chicks love that romantic crap! Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? Donkey: We gotta check it out. [Donkey Grunting] Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me... Shrek: What do you see? Donkey: The whole town's in there. Bishop: ...I now pronounce you husband and wife... Donkey: They're at the altar. Bishop: ...king and queen. Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it. Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete! [Grunts] Shrek: I object! Fiona: Shrek? [Gasps] Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want? [Crowd Clamoring] Shrek: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. Fiona: What are you doing here? Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding-- Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you. Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me-- Shrek: But you can't marry him. Fiona: And why not? Shrek: Because-- Because he's just marrying you so he can be king. Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. Shrek: He's not your true love. Fiona: And what do you know about true love? Shrek: Well, I-- Uh-- I mean-- Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. [Chuckling] The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [Crowd Laughing] Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! [Laughing Continues] Fiona: Shrek, is this true? Farquaad: Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmm! Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. [Whimpers] [Crowd Gasping] Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot. Farquaad: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! Fiona: No, no! Shrek! Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? Fiona: No, let go of me, Shrek! Shrek: No! Farquaad: Don't just stand there, you morons. Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! Farquaad: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! Fiona: No! Shrek! Farquaad: And as for you, my wife, Shrek: Fiona! Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! [Whistles] Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-- Aaah! Aah! Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. [Dragon Roars] Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge! [Belches] Donkey: [Donkey Laughs] Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [Cheering] Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek. Shrek: Uh, Fiona? Fiona: Yes, Shrek? Shrek: I-- I love you. Fiona: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Fiona: I love you too. All: Aawww! Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [Echoing] [Echoing Continues] "Take love's true from. Take love's true form." Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? Fiona: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. Shrek: But you are beautiful. [Chuckles] Donkey: I was hoping would be a happy ending. [♪ I'm A Believer By Smash Mouth Playing] Steve Harwell: ♪ I thought love was only true in fairy tales. ♪ All: Oy! Steve Harwell: ♪ Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed, disappointment haunted all my dreams. And then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. And not a trace. Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. ♪ Choir: ♪ Ohh-ahh. ♪ Steve Harwell: ♪ I'm a believer I couldn't leaver her if I tried. ♪ Gingy: God bless us, every one. Donkey: Come on, y'all! ♪ Then I saw her face. ♪ Ha-ha! ♪ Now I'm a believer. ♪ Listen! Not a trace. ♪ Of doubt in my mind. I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried. ♪ Mice: Ooh! Uh! Donkey: ♪ Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Hey! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind. One more time! I'm in love. I'm a believer. Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! ♪ Smash Mouth: ♪ I'm a believer. ♪ Donkey: ♪ I believe. I believe. I believe! ♪ [Hysterical Laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

@ranboos-sister

#shrek is god

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adventuresindolls · 3 years ago

Text

Meet Lexie Chapter 3: What Flying Feels Like

(Aside: I know in the story Sophie gets chocolate ice cream and this is clearly a popsicle, but it's the closest I had)

Sophie's friend did come over the next day after Sunday school, but Lexie hardly saw them. She hardly noticed anything that day. Over breakfast, Papa had announced that as a treat to make up for moving, and to forget new school anxiety, they would be going to the County Fair every day this week. Lexie hadn't heard anything said to her since then.

Fairs were thrilling. They meant rare treats and delicious smells and rows of bright booths to hop between. Sophie and Lexie had an ongoing system where they would run around as buddies between the game booths and the ones selling pretty necklaces and giving away paper fans. But when Lexie started to get overwhelmed, they would go together to the 4-H building to look at pretty dresses and pictures of flowers. It was air conditioned in there and much quieter than the rest of the fair. Sometimes Lexie would find a cool corner to sit and read the book she always carried while Sophie found a play area or other kids to talk to.

But best of all were the rides.

They usually went for one day a year. But this year was special—5 whole days of excitement! It was hard for Lexie to think about anything else all day. She read the same page 6 times, lost a Mario game badly to Sophie, and finally went for a long walk around the new neighborhood. She saw a bunch of kids outside playing in sprinklers or shooting Nerf guns at each other, all younger than her. She only got 3 blocks away before deciding it was too hot and turning around. The rest of the day was spent curled up on the couch watching her favorite magic girl anime, which the conversation at shul the day before had reminded her she liked.

She woke up way too early on Monday. By the time Papa called her for breakfast, she had finished her favorite book again and rearranged her stuffed animals. After her usual bowl of dry cereal, she put on her favorite space-themed dress and her comfiest velcro shoes and was pulling on the car door handle before Daddy even had the picnic basket closed.

Lexie had never been to these particular fairgrounds before, but they were as bright and full as she expected. The day wasn't hot yet, which was perfect for running around. They each got $5 for a snack so they didn't have to regroup until lunch.

"What about buying fair stuff?" Lexie asked.

"You can have souvenir money on Friday," Papa told her. "Otherwise you'll buy one thing today and find something better tomorrow."

They ran through the rows of stalls, stuffing Sophie's overall pockets and Lexie's narwhal purse with free pencils in every color of the rainbow and candy they definitely weren't supposed to eat yet. Lexie only had a couple chocolate kisses, but before they reached the end of the lane Sophie had eaten six.

They spent the morning looking at every single booth and spinning prize wheels until they got bored. Having pushed the absolute limit of their patience, they made it as far as 11 o'clock before heading for the games.

Lexie went straight for the ducky fishing game. They had a giant octopus as the big prize. The smiling man handed her a fishing pole and told her to go for it.

She did not immediately go for it. She thought the duck she was aiming for—the little gold one—was about three and half feet away. How hard would she have to swing to hit it without overreaching?

"Hey, are you gonna go?" The man looked a little less smiley now.

Lexie blamed him startling her for why the first time the line went flying past the entire tank. It was much closer the second time, but still plopped into the water an inch away from its goal.

"That's alright!" The man encouraged her. "Try one more time!"

"No, thanks," Lexie politely told him and dashed away before he could try to convince her. She had just remembered that she wanted to save her remaining 8 tickets for rides.

The next thing she remembered was that she hadn't heard Sophie's chatter in a long time. She would be in so much trouble if dads found her alone.

Even worse, something might happen to Sophie, who was "not the most responsible or cautious" kid.

The crowds around her seemed to double suddenly. They were mostly adults or teenagers much taller than her and she couldn't see more than three feet in any direction.

"Sophie?" She meant to call out, but it came out as barely a whisper. That happened sometimes.

Lexie ran up and down the aisles of games and all around the rides next to them. Surely her sister wouldn't be bored enough among the flashing lights and interactive booths to wander back to the ones she had no money for. She tried and failed twice more to call for Sophie, but she doubted even at her loudest she could be heard over the thousand conversations that buzzed around her.

She was about to give up and go find her fathers—who were probably listening to one of the free concerts—and enlist their help whatever the consequences (she was pretty sure by now that Sophie was being murdered or had fallen down a magically appearing manhole) when she spotted her long dark hair by a food booth in a far corner.

"Where have you been?" Lexie wanted to be angry, but instead she felt like crying.

"Right here," Sophie's voice was muffled by a bite of chocolate ice cream, "Where have YOU been?"

"You ran off! You can't do that! We have to stay together."

"I didn't run off. I stopped 'cause I wanted to play something different."

"You have to tell me that!" Lexie really wasn't about to admit that she was mostly embarrassed she hadn't made sure Sophie, who had ADHD and was known to get distracted, was with her.

"Don't yell at me!" Sophie was getting mad.

"Alright, I'm sorry," Lexie finally relented. She gave Sophie a quick hug, which was so rare for her—too much touch made her brain go staticky—that Sophie stopped arguing. "Let's go ride the rides. What's wrong?"

"I don't have any tickets left." Sophie's eyes were wide with surprise and disappointment. "I played a bunch of games, and I didn't even win anything. Can I have one of your tickets?"

Lexie looked down at her sister's tear-filled eyes and felt a sudden sense of protectiveness. She planned so Sophie didn't have to. "You can have two. But only if you tell me where you're going."

"Ok!" Sophie's face instantly brightened.

The rides were all bright colors and flashing lights and quick movements. Lexie didn't even know where to focus and let Sophie lead the way, finishing her ice cream and chattering away about how cool every ride was.

And then she saw the swings.

It had always been her dream to ride that one. It was always more pastel than neon and it looked like fun. Just like spinning on the playground swings but MORE. She had wanted to last year but got too scared at the last minute, even though Papa promised to go with her.

"Sit here and hold my purse. I'll be back." She barely glanced to make sure Sophie obeyed before skipping to wait in line. It seemed very soon that a teenager with a green mohawk took her ticket and motioned her up the metal step. Up close, the ride seemed much bigger, but no one else was hesitating to strap themselves in. Swallowing, she grabbed the chains on the closest chair and pulled herself up into it.

She was still pretty sure it was a good idea, right up until a different teenager came by and pulled the metal bar down on her lap. All of a sudden, she kind of wanted to go back to fishing for ducks. She glanced through the crowd to find Sophie, who was still on the bench and completely ignoring her, her favorite otter in one hand and the other covered in melted ice cream.

Lexie gasped and grabbed the chains with both hands at the first jerk of movement. Several people around her giggled, and she heard at least one "Oh!" of surprise. Very slowly, the ride began to spin and rise into the air. She was torn between stomach-dropping anxiety at being so high and absolute delight at all she could see. The rows of booths looked like brightly colored handkerchief squares. The people swarmed like ants—at least, she thought, there were no crowds up here. She soon lost track of Sophie. And then she could see beyond the fair, to the tiny houses of the city itself. The taller buildings downtown looked like shiny metal twigs. She forgot to be worried.

They were spinning faster. And faster. It wasn't scary up here, really, it was wonderful. It was like everything she'd always wanted to feel when she spun herself until she fell down or kicked her legs to swing as high as possible. It was impossible to describe. Like everything that was always too loud and too bright just stopped. Like there was no such thing as feeling trapped and panicked in a crowd. Like nothing existed but her and the seat and spinning. Like she could stay up here forever. She kicked her legs, making her chair wiggle.

It couldn't actually last forever, of course, and almost before she knew it they were slowing. Her stomach dropped again, this time with disappointment, and her legs nearly collapsed beneath her when she first stumbled out of the chair and through the metal gate.

She found Sophie on the same bench where she'd left her, the remainder of her ice cream staining her hands, face, and overalls, but miraculously not Elliot the Otter. Lexie briefly considered telling her to go wash up, then decided it wasn't worth it.

"Hi! I'm gonna go ride the rollercoaster!"

"Ok."

Sophie hopped up and stuffed Elliot back into her pocket. "What are you gonna ride next?"

"The swings."

"Again?" Sophie looked at her like riding the same ride twice was the weirdest thing she'd heard that day.

But Lexie couldn't help grinning at the thought of freedom and flight. "Yeah."

#American girl dolls #Our Generation #AG spinoff #Lexie's series #my dolls #Lexie #Sophie

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crebby · 3 years ago

Note

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Donkey: Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Roaring]

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

Shrek: That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. You know. Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

I wish Tumblr had character limits for asks

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shhh-go-to-sleep · 3 years ago

Note

[Paper Rustling, Toilet Flushes]

Shrek: What a load of--

[Toilet Door slams]

Shrek hops out his outhouse and his routine like taking a mud shower and farting in his pool.

[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]

[Shouting]

Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪

[Belches]

Villagers: Go! Go!

[Record Scrating]

Villagers: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Villager 2: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

Shrek: [Laughs] Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

Villager 3: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 3: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Gasping]

Villager 3: Right.

[Roaring]

[Shouting]

[Roaring]

[Roaring Continues]

[Shouting Continues]

Shrek: [Whispers] This is the part where you run away.

[Gasping]

Shrek: [Laughs] [Laughing] And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [Sighs]

Guard 1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!

[Gasps]

Guard 2: Move it along. Come on. Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Next!

Guard 3: Give me that! Your flying days are over.

Captain of the Guards: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next.

Guard 4: Get up!

Captain of the Guards: Twenty pieces.

Guard 5: Come on!

[Thudding]

Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Bear: [Crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey: Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Lady: Oh, shut up!

Donkey: Oh!

Captain of the Guards: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of the Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Captain of the Guards: Next.

Pinocchio: Help me!

Captain of the Guards: What have you got?

Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

[Grunts]

Captain of the Guards: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Captain of the Guards: Well?

Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--

Captain of the Guards: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Lady: No, no, he talks! He does. [Moves Donkey’s lips] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of the Guards: Get her out of my sight.

Old Lady: No, no! I swear. Oh! He can talk!

Donkey: [Gasps] Hey, I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Pigs: He can fly!

Captain of the Guards: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh.

Captain of the Guards: Seize him!

Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!

[Grunts, Gasps]

Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!

Captain of the Guards: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of the Guards: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[Gasps, Whimpering]

Donkey: [Chuckles] Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!

Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

[Roaring]

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪

Shrek: Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: Uh-- Really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: Nope.

Shrek: Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Shrek: That would be my home.

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek: Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you!

Shrek: What are you-- No. No.

Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Shrek: Oh!

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. You know. By myself. Outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪

[Bubbling]

[Sighs]

[Creaking]

Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?

Donkey: I am outside.

[Clattering]

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya.

Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese.

Shrek: Ow! [Grunts]

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff.

Mouse 1: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? [Grunts] Hey!

[Snickers]

Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: Huh? [Gasps]

Wolf: What?

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Wolf: Aah!

Shrek: Oh, no. No! No! Oh, no.

[Cackling]

[Cackling Continues]

Shrek: What?

Girl: Quit it. Don't push.

[Squeaking]

[Lows]

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? [Echoing] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

[Gasping]

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.

[Sighs]

Donkey: Hey, don’t look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here.

Shrek: By who?

Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he singed an eviction notice.

Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is.

[Murmuring]

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is.

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Anyone?

Donkey: Me! Me! Oh! Oh! Pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all Fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[Cheering]

[Twittering]

[Cheering Continues]

Shrek: Oh! You! You're comin' with me.

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind, big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. ♪ I can't wait to get in the road again. ♪

Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Can I hum it?

Shrek: All right. Hum it.

♪♪ [Humming]

[Gurgling]

[Coughing]

Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk.

[Coughing]

Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster.

Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?

Gingy: Eat me!

[Spits]

Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--

Gingy: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

[Door Opens]

Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it.

Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Man Grunting]

[Gasping]

Gingy: Oh.

Farquaad: Magic Mirror.

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! No!

Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. You were saying

Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Farquaad: Go on.

Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

Farquaad: Three? One? [Shudders] Three?

Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord!

Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, Number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪

Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Rupert Holmes: ♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪

Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--

Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

Farquaad: I'll do it.

Mirror: Yes, but after sunset.

Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [Laughs]

Donkey: [Groans] Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

Shrek: Hey, you!

[Screams]

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--

[Whimpering]

[Sighs]

[Whimpering, Groans]

[Turnstile Clatters]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

♪♪ [Instrumental Music]

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet.

[Creaking]

Shrek: Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

[Clattering, Whirring, Clicking]

[Clicking]

[Clicking Quickens]

Clockwork Chorus: ♪ Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... face. Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! ♪

[Camera Shutter Clicks]

Bestie..- 😀

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localvoidcat · 4 years ago

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#long post

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dameronsgalaxygal · 5 years ago

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I’ve Been Waiting For You: Chapter 7: Waterloo

series masterlist

Pairing: modern! poe x reader

Warnings: FLUFF. angst if you squint.

Word Count: 4343

Songs: Waterloo by ABBA

A/N: I LOVED WRITING THIS CHAPTER. also I'm not going to be posting the song links anymore because it causes my post to not show up in the tags, but you can find the song on a playlist linked on the master list! There are multiple songs referenced in this chapter, feel free to give them a listen! Also, let me know if you suspect anything suspicious in this chapter ;) There is something really important in this that will come to play later. Feedback and comments appreciated, and let me know if you wanna be added to the tag list!

Summary: Its your 6 month anniversary with Poe, and you both learn something new about each other.

“I am home and I have brought lunch for my two favorite ladies!”

Poe burst through the door of Solo Reads holding two white paper bags that had his name written sloppily in sharpie on them.

“Shhh!!” An older man and woman turned to look at him with furrowed brows. They were the only two in the bookstore along with you and Leia and they had been quietly discussing a book regarding the ‘history of the world’

Poe stopped in his tracks, his eyes going wide with annoyance as he glanced at them. The couple rolled their eyes and continued to analyze the book.

“Sorry, didn’t realize this was a library.” He spoke quietly, shooting you a look as he walked up to the register desk that you had been sitting behind.

You laughed and stood up from the bar stool as he approached you, leaning over the desk to kiss him.

“It’s not.” You laughed as you pulled away. “Older couples just tend to like a little more peace when they read.” You whispered as you looked over Poes shoulder to look at the couple.

He chuckled lightly and set the bags down that he had been holding.

“How was your trip?” You asked, opening the bag to look inside at what he had got you.

He shrugged, leaning against the desk with his arms crossed. “Same old, same old.”

He had been gone for a couple days for work, flying from Miami to California, then California to Oregon, from Oregon to Michigan, then finally back to Miami. He was finally back and decided to stop by the bookstore despite being exhausted. He even had brought you and Leia lunch, the tiny gesture forming butterflies in your stomach even though you two had been together nearly half a year now.

“I missed you,” You smiled, “Thanks for the sandwich.” You held up the small sandwich. He knew your order by heart. He had memorized it the first time you went to the deli with him after you had gotten the job at his aunts bookstore. Ham and swiss with mayo and extra pickles.

“Missed you too, and no problem,” He smiled back at you before looking around the bookstore. “Where’s Aunt Leia?”

You shrugged, “Probably reading in her office.” You looked to the back of the bookstore to where Leia had spent most of her time. It was a small space only consisting of a desk and chair along with some of her favorite knick-knacks and photos. She stayed in there when it wasn’t too busy, which was almost every day.

Poe nodded and grabbed the food he had gotten for her, heading back towards her office. The door had been cracked open slightly and he knocked on it gently.

Leia looked up from a stack of papers and smiled when she saw her nephew, “Poe! How was work?” She took her glasses off and stood up to meet him.

“The usual. Brought you some lunch,” He reached his arm out to hand her the bag.

“Thank you, dear.” She took it from him, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek, “So, how are things?”

He shrugged, “Fine I guess. Finn keeps forgetting to fill up our water filter and it gets really annoying because then I have to drink the tap water,” He started.

Leia laughed lightly, sitting back in her desk chair and unwrapping her sandwich, “I meant between you and Y/N.”

“Oh,” He laughed, “Things are pretty good. She’s great. She’s gotten more comfortable with me, which is good. I’m glad she’s starting to really trust me.”

Your relationship with Poe was getting stronger day by day. Poe hadn’t been as clingy, but he would still come over every now and then or you two would go out on dates like bowling, mini golf, the beach, etc. As the days went by, you were getting more comfortable with being with Poe in more intimate settings. You and Poe would cuddle and watch movies in your bedroom, and sometimes he would even spend the night. You would go to bars and dance, just like that night.

He wouldn’t let anything happen, though. If he started to get too heated, you would say something and he would immediately back off. He stayed true to his word when it came to respect and making you feel comfortable.

“Good. I’m glad you two are doing good,” She took a few bites of her sandwich.

Poe sighed and looked out of her office to make sure you were occupied with something before closing Leia’s office door.

“Can you help me with something?” He asked her, crossing his arms.

She nodded, “Of course, what do you need?”

“How do you think I can get Y/N to come over to my place?” He asked quietly, walking towards her desk.

She looked up at him mid-chew, raising an eyebrow.

“Not to sleep with her! I just,” He sighed, “I want to do something special for her, and make her feel really comfortable. Let her know that it’s okay. We’ve been together for a while now.”

Your six month anniversary was coming up soon, and you hadn’t planned anything yet. Poe hadn’t mentioned anything because he wasn’t sure where you stood with it, or if it even was going to be something worth celebrating in your eyes.

She continued chewing, “Well the best thing to do is talk to her. Communication is always key.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to come off desperate,” He said, emphasizing ‘desperate’ with finger quotes.

Leia chuckled and looked up at him, “Hun, just talk to her. Assure her that you aren’t going to try anything, and if she really doesn’t feel comfortable yet, you’re going to be okay with it.”

Poe stood silent, looking down at his feet.

“You are going to be okay with it if she’s not ready, right?” She leaned forward in her desk chair to try to catch his gaze.

He shrugged, “I mean, of course. I love her, but I just really want her to feel comfortable all the time. I want...I want her to feel like she can open up to me.”

Leia stood from behind her desk and walked up to him, reaching up to cup his cheeks.

“Poe, you don’t know what she went through. Whatever it was, it affected her greatly. When she feels like she can talk about it, she will. Whether that’s now or ten years from now, she’ll know when she’s ready,” She stroked underneath his eyes with her thumbs and he responded with a small nod.

“Besides, you should feel special that she's trusted you for as long as she has,” She smiled gently.

He smiled back, “I do.”

She pulled her hands away and nodded her head towards your direction outside her office, “Then go talk to her.”

He pulled Leia into a hug, “Thank you, Auntie,” He leaned down to kiss her cheek.

She pulled away with a smile, patting his cheek gently before walking back to her desk.

You were still behind the register trying to finish your lunch but you kept getting interrupted by the older couple asking you for recommendations. You were giving them classic novels such as your favorite, To Kill a Mockingbird, but apparently they meant recommendations for other bookstores, because Solo Reads ‘didn’t have what they were looking for’.

Poe returned to you and smiled before watching the couple leave.

“Looks like a busy day!” He teased in which you just chuckled.

“Very.”

Hey smirked at you for a second before sneaking behind the counter and grabbing you by the waist and pulling you into him.

You giggled and wrapped your arms around his neck and he took it as an okay to lean down and kiss you sweetly. He squeezed your waist gently as his tongue begged for entrance. You granted it, letting out a small whine as he kissed you deeper.

He pulled away for a breath and smiled when he noticed the bright pink flush of your cheeks.

“Almost six months together and you still make me blush every time you kiss me,” You bit your lip and he kissed your cheek.

“Speaking of six months,” He brushed a hair out of your face, “Tuesday is our six month anniversary.”

You took a deep breath. Has it really been that long? Time seemed to fly by with Poe. You still hadn’t told him you loved him, and he had only said it a couple times since the first time because he didn’t want to scare you away. You also hadn’t had sex with him, nor had you opened up to him about your past. But none of that mattered to him. He loved you just the same, maybe even more.

You nodded, “That’s right. It is.”

He swayed you a little bit, arms still around your waist. “I was wondering if you wanted to do something. I fly back from Texas that morning and I have Wednesday off, so we can have a late night.”

“Like what?” Your fingers played with the hair behind his neck and you could feel him melt at your touch.

He sighed nervously, “Well, if you were feeling up for it, and if you’re comfortable of course,” He said, emphasizing ‘comfortable’, “I thought maybe you could come over. Not for any funny business! I just thought maybe we could have a cozy night in. Order some take-out and watch a movie. Play board games and stuff,”

You rubbed your hands up and down his arms as you thought about his offer. In all honesty, you were getting kind of bored of being at your place. You were curious to see what Poe’s house looked like without a hundred drunk people running around. Conveniently, Rey was having some of her coworkers over for a dinner party and you were just planning on being in your room.

You took a deep breath, hesitant with your answer at first before responding, “Okay. Yeah, that sounds like fun.”

He was surprised by your response, even though he had been hopeful. He leaned back in surprise, arms still around your waist.

“Really? You aren’t going to be uncomfortable?” He asked.

You shrugged, “I need to step out of my comfort zone. We’ve been together for a while, and I think it’ll be fun. Help me grow,” You squeezed his shoulders and smiled.

He returned the smile as you continued, “Besides, I trust you. And Rey has the apartment occupied since she's having people over to celebrate something that they achieved at work.”

“Right, Finn was telling me about that. Something about them finally closing a huge deal with First Order Tech, or something like that. Well, good, that means Finn will be gone too.”

You nodded, hoping that his statement of Finn being gone didn’t mean what you thought it meant. Regardless, you were going to allow yourself to step out of your safety bubble and see where it took you. You had open communication with Poe, and if you didn’t want to go to his place again, you would tell him. He would understand.

“So Tuesday? I can pick you up around 5.”

“Sounds like a plan,” You leaned up to kiss him.

He smiled against your lips before he pulled away, “Perfect.”

-----

“Y/N! Can you get the door?” Rey called as she rushed around the kitchen prepping for dinner.

You rushed out of your room while you put in your earrings and headed to open the door.

Standing before you was Poe with a small bouquet of white roses in his hand.

“Happy six months,” He smiled.

The fact that he had bought you white roses instead of red made your entire body fill with emotions. It was almost as if Poe knew that Kyle used to buy you red roses when he wanted to apologize to you.

“Happy six months,” You replied, taking the roses and giving him a quick kiss, “Thank you, they’re beautiful.”

“Just like you,” He mumbled and you blushed, biting your lip.

“You are so corny,” You laughed, “Let me just get my shoes on and I’ll be ready to go.”

Poe nodded at you as you rushed back to your room to finish up.

“Hey!” Poe said loudly so Rey would hear her over the water running in the sink.

“Hey,” She called back.

“Finn wanted me to tell you he’s running late, he got distracted playing some game called ‘Duel of the Fates’ on the computer. Wasn’t keeping track of the time. He’s getting ready now.”

She just shook her head and laughed, “That man, I swear. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No problem,” He chuckled.

You came out of your bedroom and smiled, “Ready.”

He put his arm around your shoulder as he said bye to Rey.

“I’ll bring her home later, but if plans change we’ll let you know.”

You rolled your eyes because you knew he was teasing, so you just nudged his side in which he laughed.

“Have fun!” She called out as you made your way to his car.

He opened the passenger door, gesturing for you to get in, “M’lady?”

Blushing again, you got inside, “Why thank you.”

He closed the door with a smile before getting into the driver’s seat and pulling away from your apartment complex.

He reached over to grab your hand, squeezing it lightly as he kept his eyes on the road.

“So,” You started, looking at him while you played with his hand, “What do you have planned for us tonight?”

He kept his eyes on the road, “Well, nothing too fancy. Just something casual. I thought maybe we could order pizza, then watch a movie and cuddle. If you don’t mind, I already had one picked out.”

“Oh yeah? What movie?”

“Top Gun. It’s my favorite,” He looked over at you and smiled.

Of course it was. He was a pilot, so it was no surprise to you that his favorite film would be a classic about flying.

You admired him for a minute before replying, “I’d love to watch Top Gun.”

“It’s been my favorite since I was a kid. My parents used to watch it all the time. My mom would sometimes even call me her ‘Mini Maverick’.” His smile dropped slightly as he mentioned his mother. You squeezed his hand.

“Is that why you became a pilot? The movie inspired you?” You looked at your intertwined hands and then back up at him.

His face shifted and his jaw clenched. You furrowed your brow.

“Yeah,” He said tentatively. “I love fighter jets, but I was always too afraid to fly them. So I became an airline pilot instead.”

His tone seemed hesitant, like he was hiding something. You brushed it off and looked out the window with a nod as he pulled up to his home.

You must have just missed Finn, because the driveway was empty.

Your mouth dropped slightly in awe. You had been there once before, but you had been so anxious to really look at it completely.

It was only one story, but it was big, with several palm trees planted in the front yard. It had a cobblestone driveway that led to two large garage doors, and you wondered why an airline pilot and a tech engineer had lived in such a big place when they could have easily afforded an apartment directly in the city; especially since Poe was gone flying more than half the time.

Parking the car, he looked over at you and frowned when he saw your expression.

“Change your mind?”

You shook your head, “No, no, no. I just forgot how nice of a place you have.”

He chuckled, squeezing your hand again before getting out of the car, “Let’s go inside.”

The inside of his house was just as nice. With wooden floors, it had three bedrooms: Poe’s, Finn’s, and a guest room. There were also two bathrooms, a kitchen, dining room, indoor bar, and a living room that was so big you swore you could fit three cars in it.

The living room had a giant flat screen and an L-shaped couch along with two reclining chairs, and a giant grand piano that caught your attention before anything else.

“You play?” Your mouth opened in excitement, running over to it and running your hand along the top of it. You didn't remember seeing it during Finn's party.

He shook his head, following behind you.

“No. Finn does, though. When he’s not doing tech stuff he likes to teach himself.”

You admired the instrument, “It’s beautiful.”

He smirked, “Do you play?”

“I fiddle around,” You smiled, opening the fall board to look at the keys, “I was a music minor, remember?”

“Ah, yes.” He leaned gently against the piano as you sat down on the stool, “Can you play something for me?”

You looked up at him, shaking your head. “It’s been a while.”

“Oh come on,” He teased, “You just said you were a music minor, I’m sure you can pick it up again. Come on. Play something. Anything.”

You sighed, “Okay. Fine. I’m a little rusty though, and I haven’t really touched any instrume-”

“Play woman!” He teased, throwing his head back.

You laughed, “Okay, okay!” You thought about what you wanted to play, or at least what you remembered how to play.

After a moment of thinking, you decided to play one of your favorite piano songs, A River Flows in You by Yiruma.

Your hands found the keys, pressing on them softly to reveal the first chords and then glancing at Poe. He had a soft smile on his face and he gestured for you to keep going.

You continued to play and Poes eyes went between your face and your hands, his head tilting in admiration as he watched you.

Your eyes remained focused on your hands, your hair falling in front of your face slightly. Poe smiled to himself as he crossed his arms. You were the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

As you dove deeper into the song, your entire body swayed as you pressed your fingers against the black and white keys. You hadn’t played in so long, mostly because you had never had the chance. When you worked at the record label in New York, you were often running around with files or organizing appointments for people. You weren’t able to sit down and play. Music made you feel free, which is why you had written song lyrics constantly. You had written them in that matte blue notebook. The one you threw away months ago. You hadn’t thought about music since then. Until today.

After finally finishing the song, you sighed happily, taking a moment to yourself before looking up at Poe who was staring at you in adoration.

“‘I’m a little rusty’” He mocked.

You giggled, standing up and closing the fall board, “I am!”

“That was not ‘a little rusty’” He pulled you by the waist into his chest, “You’re really talented sweetheart.”

Your face transformed into a grin, gazing up at him and running your fingertips along his jaw, “Thank you.”

He brushed the hair out of your face, holding his hand to your cheek as he leaned in to kiss you. His lips were soft and gentle like they normally were, but they always left you wanting more.

“We should play together sometime,” He said as he pulled away.

“I thought you said you don’t play,” You laughed.

“I said I don’t play piano, I never said I don’t play an instrument,” He winked and turned to go to the kitchen.

You bit your lip, walking to the couch and plopping down onto it.

Poe came back into the living room with two wine glasses and a bottle of red wine. He sat the glasses down as he popped open the bottle, pouring you a glass.

“How's half pepperoni-half cheese sound?” He asked, handing you the glass.

“Sounds delicious,” You took a sip.

He smiled and sat down next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as he opened up his phone to call the pizza place.

You looked around the living room as he ordered when you noticed a bookshelf full of small knick-knacks and informational books. You stood up, wine glass in hand, and walked over to it.

Along the shelf were several small antique fighter jets, similar to life size jets seen in Top Gun and in the Air Force. You ran your fingers along them and smiled to yourself, thinking about how much he must love the movie to have a collection of jets. You also analyzed the books, seeing titles such as Air Force Aircrafts: The Complete Dictionary and A Pilot's Survival Guide to Flying. You bit your lip, kind of turned on by your pilot and his admiration and passion for flying.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a pair of arms snaking around your waist.

“What are you doing?” Poe asked softly.

“Just looking around. You really like Top Gun don’t you?” You kept your eyes on his collection.

He took a breath, “Yeah. Speaking of that, you wanna watch now?”

You turned to face him, “How long until pizza’s here?”

“15 minutes or so.”

“Well, we don’t want to get interrupted during the movie…” You started.

He cocked his eyebrow, “Okay…”

“Wanna make out until the pizza gets here?”

His eyes widened and he smirked at your boldness, “Now how could I ever deny such a thing?”

You giggled, putting a finger to his chest, “No funny business. Hands stay above the waist and off the chest.”

“Yes, madam,” He teased, pulling you down to the couch.

You smirked as he pulled you onto his lap, hands immediately landing on your waist as he leaned up to kiss you. Your hands cupped his cheeks, kissing him with force. His hands ran up and down your sides, but stayed away from your areas of concern. He continued to kiss you for a while, his tongue battling with yours and you let out a small whine. You tugged on his lower lip and a groan escaped him. You smirked, pulling away as he chased your lips.

Panting, he smirked and looked down at your swollen lips. He licked his as he leaned in to kiss you again when the doorbell rang. He sighed and dropped his head on your shoulder.

“There is no way that was 15 minutes,” He chuckled against your shoulder.

You smirked, tapping him to let go of you so you could get off his lap. You fell back onto the couch as he got up to retrieve the pizza. After a minute, he returned from the front of the house carrying the box and a stack of napkins and two plates.

He sat the box down on the coffee table before returning to his place on the couch.

“Can you put the movie in? It’s up on the shelf,” He said, opening the box and grabbing a slice.

You nodded, standing up and grabbing it off the shelf. You took the CD out of the case, putting it in the DVD player. You thought it was cute that he still owned one. Normally people rented movies off of their TVs nowadays, but you assumed he had it on DVD for the nostalgia.

You returned to the couch, grabbing yourself a slice of pizza and curling into Poes chest.

You had seen the movie a couple times before, but not near as many times as Poe. You adored how he knew nearly every one of Tom Cruises lines. You could hear them say them quietly under his breath, and you had to nudge him playfully at times so you could actually pay attention to the movie.

“Sorry,” He would laugh, “Habit.”

After you had both devoured the entire pizza and an entire bottle of wine, you nuzzled closer to Poe. Your head was laying on his chest and his hand stroked your hair. You felt safe. You told yourself that there was nothing to be afraid of, Poe respected you, and tonight proved that for you. You were getting more comfortable day by day, and it felt wonderful. Maybe you would be okay with Poe after all. Maybe you had nothing to worry about.

“This is one of my favorite scenes,” Poe said, shifting in his seat, pulling you closer to him.

‘Take My Breath Away’ by Berlin began playing, and you giggled. It was the iconic scene where Maverick shows up at Charlie’s door and they kiss and make love. You smiled softly as you watched the scene, quietly singing the lyrics to yourself.

Even though he had just mentioned it was his favorite scene, he looked down at you the entire time. He watched you sing and his lips formed a tiny smile. He didn’t know when he would get you to open up to him, but he just felt so lucky that he was able to hold you and make you feel loved. He stared at you until about half way through the scene when you finally looked up at him.

He continued to look down at you, his hand moving from your hair to your cheek. He cupped it gently, stroking his thumb under your eye softly before leaning in to kiss you. You kissed him back, your arm reaching up to run through the curls on the side of his head. He smiled through the kiss, as did you.

He pulled away once the scene ended, kissing your forehead and moving his eyes back to the screen. You continued to look at him for a moment, your chin on his chest and your smile not leaving your face for even a second. You sighed happily, resting your head back on his chest as you finished watching the film.

He really did take your breath away.

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#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #poe dameron fanfiction #poe x reader #imagine-poe-dameron #modern au #modern poe #i've been waiting for you #I've been waiting for you poe #poe dameron series

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zuffer-weird-girl · 5 years ago

Text

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fluff and angst in one place my dear coomurates! Enjoy it!

That was a really long one I hope you guys do t get bored with it 😔🤧

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hari Kurono never wanted to be a father.

It was obvious and logical this. The man just thought he wasn't made for the job and that was it. Well... until his childhood friend had a son.

It wasn't easy to get both Chisaki and Kurono attention, but the moment you put Kaito on this world, simply it changed things for both of them even at some point that Hari asked if HE could be Kaito's god parent.

"Of course Kurono! How nice of you!" You say it smiling while your husband gave him a glare.

Kaito was know by you three, that since the moment he was born, that he was a little angel but half demon... And Kurono often laughed at this, even if the toddler had only 6 months old, the kid manage to piss off Overhaul on purpose just to expend more time with you.

Although, there was this little accident that happened...

One day you and Kai was just talking and chilling; a rarity since Kaito was borned; until you both saw how Kurono seemed so out of character lately. Always nervous, anxious even, and not responding directly questions like he is used to...

You approached gently while Chisaki demanded to know what had happened and then the bomb dropped.

Hari had gotten a woman pregnant.

The worst of all is that, it was only a hook up and the woman knew about his affiliations with the yakusa, and thought she could take some money from him by getting pregnant with his child.... Chrono wasn't dumb, but this was just like a bullet had hitted on his chest.

You notice that in some part in your husband's eyes manifested pure disgust and dissapointment at his friend but also a bit of sympathy, since he hadn't said a word until now.

Somehow, you manage to calm down the man and thought on a solution while Kai thought on how he was going to do to not involve the Shie Hassaikai on this problem that Chrono caused...

Nine months passed and Chrono had the privilege to met his daughter; which he named Haru...

He wasn't astonished but he wasn't displeased either... Actually, he was even surprised and relieved when she wasn't similiar with the mother at all, and even cooed happily when he approached her to his chest.

He told that story to you both and you simply smiled while Kai scoffed and went to see what in hell Kaito was doing up at that hour of the night.

Spying on adults conversations, who hasn't done that at least once?

It didn't take too long for Haru to visit the yakusa house.

You were simply in love! That little girl with two years old was so cute and such a little female version of Hari himself! She was pretty shy at first, and even scared at seing Chisaki glaring her down; what child wouldn't right?; but slowly she got out of her shell and greeted you with a small but endearing smile, shortly after looking at her father for approval.

Kaito was pretty reluctant about the new girl, but when you asked if he could play with her for a little the boy couldn't just say no... It didn't take longer for these two to establish a friendship and you often jokes about the families being even more close to Chisaki and Kurono.

Both rolled their eyes in annoyance by the way... They always do.

Although, when the girl reached the age of three you notice that she was much more present in the house and surely more close to her father... Apparently even at the point of crying, claiming desperately she didn't want it to leave her father.

You wanted to ask if something was wrong but Chisaki's hand stopped you as he sayed it.

"It's not our bussines angel, so let's not get involved either." You nodded reluctantly.

Which leads the curtently days. Kaito had 6 years while Haru had 4 and a half.

Chrono was assigned; along with Rappa, Tengai and Rikiya; to solve some bussines in the center of the city by Chisaki. And as usual, now he had to leave his daughter, but thankfully you and Chisaki were staying in home, so you offered to watch over her as she played with your son. Making Kai widen his eyes and looked at you with hinted desperation and clearly disaproval of your decision.

"I guess, if it wasn't going to be a problem... I can't leave her with anyone else so..." he looked down at his daughter who only silently pleaded at him for let her play with Kaito.

"Actually there is-" "Not a problem at all!" Chisaki glared at you as you kneeled in front of Haru.

Tonight was supposed to be betwen you two while the brat went to bed... Not one where the number of kids duplicated...

"Go on the living room Haru-chan! Im sure Kaito will love the idea of a sleep over." You smiled when she widened her dark eyes before looking up at her father, who only sighed and nodded, watching the girl excuse herself and run to the room.

"Have on your mind that you ruined an intimate night between me and my wife Chrono." Chisaki growled as Kurono apologized and left the house along with the precepts, again, thanking you both.

"What's even the matter Kai? Haru never bother us." You asked as Chisaki sighed and pulled you to his chest.

"Its not exactly the girl the problem here, its more about-"

Two loud yelps were hearded making both of you jump while shortly after a lair of giggles filled the house as Kaito screamed 'I WON'

"The brat..." groaned Chisaki as you giggled while bringing him closer.

"Mind looking at them for a while as I make some snacks for us? I think it will be a little fun." He arched one of his eyebrows at you.

"You're sick for thinking thhat two children screaming is fun."

"If I was sick you wouldn't even touch me, less alone have a perfect little boy with me, my handsome yakusa boss." You made your way to the kitchen as Chisaki sighed.

"'Perfect', yeah right." Mumbled sarcastically Chisaki while he chuckled at your attempt to send him a glare.

Kai depared with both children laying on the ground on their stomachs, playing a board game that he used to play as a child.

"Brat, where did you find this?" Asked the man as he sitted down on the couch pointing at the board.

Haru yelped at the sudden appearance of Chisaki but shortly after calmed down while Kaito smirked at his father, still with both dices on his closed hands.

"Mommy and I were cleaning one room and found this!" He throws the dice and cheered at seing the numbers while Hari mumbled a "beginner's luck". Chisaki stared at the board and mentally facepalmed.

"Kaito. You need to get a lair of five's. Not six... You need to get back." He deadpanned as Kaito glared at him before picking the manual and read the instructions quickly while Haru contained her giggles.

"No daddy, it says right here that 'if you got a pair of six you are allowed to choose the destiny of your adversary and to continue your path.'" He pointed at the rule as he showed to his father. Chisaki looked and was surprised to see that the toddler was correct.

"What the hell? I remember that it was five when I played this for the last time." He mumbled picking the old manual with his gloved hands.

"The age are kicking on you daddy?" Asked innocently the boy but with the lresence of his famous devilsh little smirk while the giggles of Haru filled the room.

"I beg you pardon little rascal?" Growled Chisaki as he glared at his smirking son.

Oh no he didn't.

Chisaki picked an cushion up and agressively threw at the floor before sitting on it.

"Both of you restart this game now. I will show what the age does to a man you damn brat." Kaito gleamed happily at noticing that his dad was going to play while Haru scotted over a little more to have better vision on the board.

You carefully bringed the snacks on a tray, and as you got near the room, the more you heard tiny giggles and Chisaki complains. You picked curiously before entering, and you swear your heart just melted.

Chisaki, with his typical bored expression, was sitting down at a pillow as the two kids giggled at seing the adult explain the rules like he was explaining an strategy of war.

"You three good?" You asked as you placed the goodies on the coofe table. Kaito and Haru gaved you two thumbs up while your husband looked at dead in the eyes, extremely serious, holding in his gloved hand a pair of dices.

"I'm going to crash our son and his friend." He simply stated as the two children stared at him with wide eyes.

"Uh... why?" You asked smilling but still a bit of nervousness and confusion on your voice.

"You don't simply insult an yakusa boss my dear (y/n)." He threw the dices, which landing perfectly on a pair of six "Our son should know that by now." The two children gasped and started to beg to Kai to teach him his secret and your husband immediately refused and ordered them to start to play.

"Mommy wanna join us?" Kaito looked up at you as you offered an tiny sandwich to him with a napkin.

You shocked your head smiling at your son, who pouted, as you did the same thing with Haru.

"Are you sure miss (Y/N)? This way we could make teams like 'girls vs boys!'"

You were going to answer if it wasn't for your two boys saying in union a 'no' before Kaito bitted on his sandwich and Kai bringed you gently to the floor besides him, already with a comfy pillow on the ground for you to sit.

You and Haru exchanged looks before giggling.

It came a hour that both childs were with puffy eyes, their tiny bodies begging to sleep.

But your stubborn husband wanted to keep playing for rub in his son's face later his victory.

"Each cause leads to a consequence, that's his, my angel." He said before throwing the dices and landing again on a lair of six.

You looked at him for a second before he smirked and hitted slightly with his gloved finger his son's forehead.

"I won."

"No fair!" Whined the boy sleepily as Haru was already almost passed out on his shoulder.

"Okay you two. Time to rest." You said as you gently lifted Kaito and Haru from the ground and start to lead them to the bedroom.

"I want revenge tommorow." Kaito said before hugging his father quickly on his neck "Good night daddy." Chisaki hummed in response as he scratched at little his neck.

"Have a goodnight mister Overhaul sir." Sleepily mumbled Hari which Kai also nodded as he pick it up the board and organized back on their box.

You came back as soon as you out the toddlers to sleep and encounter Kai looking at the door and calling silently for you to come sit with him.

"Had fun?" You teased as he glared at you while enveloping your figurine in his strong arm.

"That is not for fun, its a form of to develop your strategies and also the neurons of the brain."

"Love. Is a board game." You giggled as he scoffed.

"A very serious one if I do say myself." He chuckled when you laughed, gently laying your head on the crook of his neck as he inhaled your scent deeply.

"You could've participated. I wouldn't mind having you as a partner in crime." Growls on your ear as you smirked up at him.

"And betray my own son? Such a devilish action don't you think?" You asked wrapping your arms around his neck, while his went to your waist.

"You married one angel." He nipped in your neck slightly "It's definitely not a surprise."

You both just went to take things further until Kaito barged in the room making you yelped at the noise as Chisaki pulled you in a protective embrace before getting irritaded at seing his son on the door, breathing heavily.

"Goddammit Kaito ever heard of knocking?! Its a polite thing to do." Groaned Chisaki.

This brat always ruined his fun...

"Sorry! Really sorry! But Haru woke up screaming and now she's crying! Mommy, Daddy please help, I don't know what to do!" The boy pleaded.

Chisaki and you changed looks before both of you got uo and made your way to the room, while Kai picked his cellphone and saw that Kurono was coming back earlier with the gang.

Thank the heavens.

You arrived at the room and your heart break at seing the usual calm and sweet girl crying desperately as she covered her face.

"Haru-chan?" You cooed, slowly getting closer, the girl flinched at the mivement but immediately relaxed a little at seing it was only you.

"Haru-chan what happened? A nightmare?" She nodded before bursting into tears again while Kaito sitted at her side and patted gently her head.

"I-I saw mother b-bursting into the door and-! A-and-! A-and she slapped me and w-wouldn't stop! O-Only when daddy came in she stopped and t-treated me well!" She manage to say between sobs and she suddenly latched herself onto you pleading for her father.

"It's okay Haru-Chan it's okay. Your dad is already coming." You looked behind you and saw your husband talking on the phone.

"Haru-chan! You don't need to fear your stupid old hag." Says Kaito as he approached her and placed his hand on her shoulder catching her attention.

"You don't need to fear because you're the daughter of uncle Chrono, one of the most powerful members of the yakusa excluding my daddy... And if she ever tries to get closer to you he will beat her up!" The girl smiled as she let go of you and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.

"Also." Said Kaito "You're my friend. So I will make sure she never gets even an inch closer to you ever again." The girl widened her eyes.

"You promise?" Kaito finally smiled brightly as he linked her pinky with his and gave a squeeze.

"Yeah. Promise!"

It didn't take long to Hari come and pick his already sleeping daughter; which by the way was a struggle to get off of your son tiny arms; apologizing for the probably uncomfortable moment, but you and Chisaki just waved off.

Hari explained the whole story, saying that Haru's mother was a greddy and totally sick in the head woman, who had started to drink it and constantly beat it up the little girl, and when he went to visit she always hidded Haru, if she had evident bruises? On the closer claiming that she had left her with her parents... It took a while for him to discover but just three months ago he got the custody of his daughter and put the woman on the jail.

When Chrono left, you look at Chisaki, who only sighed and bringed you close.

"I knew it thete was something wrong..." you mumbled on his shirt, feeling his gloved hands caressing your scalp gently as he hummed.

"He didn't finish his job. He told me that the moment she got oit of that place he would make her oay the double of what his daughter had suffered..."

"You're going to help?" You asked worriedly but he only shake his head.

"He wants to do that alone. Personal business." He guided you to your shared room as you hummed in understatement.

"Is good that Hari soften because of her." You commented as Chisaki scoffed.

"If you say so, but he can't let his guard down that easy."

"Oh please you soften a little bit because of Kaito as well!" You smiled gently at him receiving a death glare of his.

"Sure. I even crushed him on that board earlier. Definitely softened." He said sarcastically.

He has but like hell he would admit it.

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #chisaki kai x reader #bnha imagine #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha x reader #bnha #bnha requests #bnha villains x reader #my writing #zuffer writings

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sweethomelima · 6 years ago

Conversation

Text || Samcedes

Mercy: Sam, hey its Mercedes

Mercy: Oh if this is the wrong number Sorry.

Sam: No, I told you I didn't change it

Mercy: No this isn't Sam, or no it is Sam because I didn't change it?

Sam: this is Sam

Sam: I didn't change my number

Sam: always been here.

Mercy: Well okay hi. Hope you had a good day today.

Mercy: First I wanted to thank you for not acting weird or anything last night. SJ had fun talking Marvel with you.

Sam: Yeah, you too!

Sam: I was kind of in my element there

Sam: I could've fielded DC too

Mercy: I am sure he would have given you a run for your money, he loves the Flash and Batman.

Mercy: So we are leaving tomorrow and I wanted to see if you had the papers, and if you wanted to see him again before we left.

Sam: I am an expert in Batman!

Sam: Already?

Mercy: Well he will be glad to hear that.

Mercy: Our lives are in L.A. Sam.

Sam: I have them

Sam: I didn't sign them yet

Sam: I'm still reading them

Mercy: Sam there is nothing there that would cause any issues. It's just a divorce.

Sam: My mom said never to sign something you haven't read

Mercy: Okay I understand that

Sam: Just gonna take me awhile.

Sam: idk how long

Mercy: Sam what do I have to do to get you to just sign them now?

Sam: I need to read them. I said that

Mercy: Sam I know if I leave here without them they will never get signed. Why are you holding on so tight to something that was over years ago? Its a divorce stating what's yours is yours and what's mines is mines, simple to the point.

Sam: I just said I wanna read them

Sam: that's it

Mercy: And you also said you don't know how long it will take you to read like 6 pages. I have to go, I can't be here for a long time.

Sam: we both know I'm not very smart

Mercy: That's a lie.

Mercy: You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.

Sam: Still can't read very well

Sam: so I can't tell you how long it'll be

Sam: I have to do other things too, like cleaning my apartment and go to the gym

Mercy: You can read just fine Sam and we both know that.

Mercy: Okay now I know you are playing games.

Sam: it does take me extra time. That's not a lie.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but cleaning your apartment? Really?

Sam: It's very dirty

Mercy: I bet it is

Mercy: I need you to work with me here(edited)

Sam: I am.

Sam: I'm going to read them! I already started!

Mercy: Fine.

Mercy: Soooo we didn't get to talk about you, how is your family?

Sam: Doing well, you know.

Sam: The kids are almost done with high school which makes me feel old but

Mercy: You are Sold

Sam: Don't remind meeeee

Mercy: How is your mom? I have been meaning to talk to her but I know she is might hate me.

Sam: For going to LA?

Sam: I don't think she does

Sam: she always said I should apologize for not going with you haha

Mercy: For leaving, for not telling her about SJ, even if you didn't believe it she would have.

Sam: Yeah, well. She doesn't know about him

Sam: Like I didn't

Mercy: You didn't tell her?

Sam: I've been a little busy trying to come to terms with it myself

Mercy: Maybe I should just go and let you mail it to me.

Sam: If that's your choice.

Mercy: Fine!

Sam: Great.

Sam: I'll send them

Sam: When do you need them?

Sam: I'll get them to you then.

Mercy: Monday

Sam: And when are you getting married?

Mercy: You don't get to know that.

Sam: Okay.

Sam: See, I'm trying to make sure I have them to you when you need them

Sam: I want to have time to think about it.

Mercy: What is there to think about Samuel?

Sam: A lot.

Sam: like maybe I should get to see SJ.

Sam: so maybe we need a custody thing.

Sam: I don't know

Mercy: SO NOW YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR SON? AFTER YOU HAD 8 YEARS?

Sam: I JUST FOUND OUT

Sam: THIS SHIT YOU'RE PULLING ISN'T CUTE

Mercy: That stuff I'm pulling? I wrote you and told you that I was pregnant, that you should just swallow your damn pride and come to me, and you sent back divorce papers, so don't get me started on that one.

Sam: You sent ME divorce papers!

Sam: and no letter

Sam: Jesus Christ, is this what you think is fun now?

Sam: Fucking with some townie loser you used be with?

Mercy: Are you serious right now?

Mercy: Like I can't tell if you are playing with me right now.

Sam: I'm very serious. It's not funny.

Mercy: Then stop playing around and be serious. I got your papers, which is why I find it funny that you never signed it. I get you were bitter but to abandon your pregnant wife?

Mercy: I always thought you were better than that.

Sam: I didn't do ANY of that

Sam: I mean, the last part happened inadvertently but I didn't send anything! Or get anything other than some divorce papers which, yes, I did not sign.

Mercy: My manager handed me the papers they were addressed to me, sent from you.

Sam: if I sent them, don't you think I'd have signed them first

Mercy: Sometimes you are scatterbrained.

Sam: I think you sent me divorce papers when you found out you were pregnant because you didn't think I was ready or something

Sam: I was

Mercy: Wow, for the record Sam, I thought you would be an amazing father. Ima gonna go.

Sam: Great

Mercy: It was nice seeing you Sam, if you could tell your parents before tomorrow about YOUR SON that would be great since I will let him meet them before I leave Lima for good.

Sam: How am I supposed to explain an eight year old I JUST found out about and how the fuck I missed that?

Mercy: Figure it out. I had too.

Sam: You keep acting like I knew.

Sam: Like you don't know me well enough to know I could never not step in.

Mercy: I told you Sam, I put that on everything, I don't know what happened, if you blocked it out, if you are trying to justify not being here by saying I didn't but I know my truth.

Mercy: I may not have told the world I have a child, because by the time I got on the scene and really started making a name for myself he was 2 and I didn't want that life for him, so I never said anything to maintain some privacy in my life. But you, I told you.

Sam: You didn't.

Sam: This isn't funny.

Mercy: No its not funny not at all.

Mercy: You really didn't know? Not in all these years? Because I swear to you I sent you that letter telling you about him.

Sam: I didn't get a letter.

Sam: Just divorce papers.

Mercy: This makes no sense

Sam: Hey, were on the same page for once

Mercy: Sam I promise you I sent you the letter, and then I got divorce papers in return

Sam: and I didn't send them.

Sam: if there was a letter, I'd have been there

Sam: could have called

Mercy: Call the man who refused to pick up his life and move with me for my dream?

Mercy: I couldn't call you, it hurt too much

Sam: You could have come back when you weren't recording.

Sam: I have a life here, Mercy.

Mercy: Come back to a man who didn't want me.

Mercy: I know that Sam, but I had a future there.

Sam: I did want you

Sam: I've always wanted you

Mercy: I guess it doesn't matter now does it?

Sam: Yeah

Sam: Your whole story is fucking me up

Sam: I don't get how this became my fault?

Mercy: I asked you to come with me Sam, I told you I wanted us to be together, I gave you the ticket to come. You didn't.

Sam: I said the same thing, but you didn't like my way

Mercy: I was scared, scared if I stayed in Lima, even part time, that I would lose myself.

Sam: Yeah

Mercy: I am trying to be honest with you. I thought you would just come when you were ready

Sam: I'm not ready

Sam: I know you and probably everyone else from glee "outgrew" Lima

Sam: I still haven't.

Mercy: I know. It's why I had to move on Sam, and you had to find someone who wanted the same things you do. You deserved that.

Sam: I never wanted anyone else

Mercy: Sam I just

Mercy: Sam I want you to be happy

Sam: Yeah

Sam: I said I'll send them

Mercy: Send what?

Mercy: Oh I wasn't even thinking about thing right now

Sam: I'm just saying. You want to leave again and I'm not stopping you

Mercy: I know you aren't. You moved on too.

Sam: I didn't.

Mercy: You did. You can say you didn't but the truth is if you didn't move on we would still be together.

Sam: because I didn't go to LA?

Sam: Why was I the only one who had to give something up

Mercy: You weren't! I had to give up you! SJ had to give up a father! You aren't the only one who lost something Sam, I lost you.

Sam: yeah, I lost you and him too.

Mercy: You can have a relationship with him if you want.

Sam: And so will your fiancé

Mercy: He's not a bad guy.

Sam: Hey, I never said he was

Mercy: Just thought you should know

Sam: I don't care about him

Sam: [ five minutes later ] No, we both know that's a lie. I hate him

Mercy: Why do you hate him?

Sam: You'll know exactly why if you stop and think for a second

Mercy: Because of SJ

Sam: Not Just

Mercy: What do you want from me Sam?

Sam: Do I need to say it!

Mercy: Well I certainly don't know

Sam: You.

Mercy:-[Deleted] Sam don't do this.

Mercy:-[Deleted] I just got over you...

[five minutes later]

Mercy: I can stay for a few more days so you can spend time with SJ.

Sam: Yeah, maybe we can figure out how to tell my mom lol

Mercy: I'm gonna let you do that one

Sam: No help?

Mercy: Fine

Sam: I doubt she'll buy the truth

Sam: Which you apparently don't buy either.

Mercy: Why wouldn't I tell you?

Sam: I don't know!

Mercy: I don't wanna go back around in a circle like this.

Sam: I just wanted to know why you didn't tell me

Mercy: And I keep telling you that I did. I wrote you I felt if I called you I would break down and a letter was safer...

Sam: I didn't get a letter!

Sam: I don't know why you don't believe me

Mercy: I don't know why you don't believe me.

Sam: Because I only got the papers you sent me.

Mercy: The papers I sent back to you

Sam: Right because I sent you unsigned papers

Sam: I thought you agreed I wasn't dumb lol

Mercy: I don't know what to tell you.

Sam: Okay

Mercy: So where does that leave us Sam?

Sam: Not where I want to be

Mercy: when are you free?

Sam: i'm free now

Mercy: I was going to take SJ to the Zoo, you can come with us.

Sam: I'm always up for being with you

Sam: And SJ. Really hoping he'll like me lol

Mercy: SJ loves you he's still talking about you. Just so you know going to a Zoo or park with me is often... crazy I wanna say.

Sam: Good.

Sam: is it bad I want him to like me more than your fiancé?

Sam: Probably not. I'm his father.

Sam: You think I don't remember how you get?

Mercy: it's not bad Sam, SJ is your son of course you want him to like you

Mercy: He will like you just fine.

Mercy: I mean it's been years

Sam: Hopefully.

Sam: And maybe I'll have to come to LA and see him.

Sam: I remember everything about you

[Mercy:Deleted] So you will go to L.A. for th-

Mercy: yeah maybe.

Mercy: I will have the car pick you up unless you just wanna meet us there

Sam: Whatever works for you.

Mercy: You gonna be okay being driven around in a town car?

Sam: Unless you're gonna let me pick up you two in my old truck?

Mercy: Soooo if I tell you something you gotta keep it secret

Sam: Now I'm curious

Mercy: My driver is my bodyguard, under my contract I can't go anywhere without him.

Sam: Are you saying I'm not able to protect you?

Mercy: Not at all its just in my contract

Sam: Sneak off

Mercy: Yeah I get fined for that

Mercy: He won't bother us, you won't even know he's there

Sam: I don't know if I believe that but!

Mercy: But?!...

Sam: But I'm good

Mercy: You gotta be clear babe you coming with?

Sam: Babe?

Sam: I'll meet you there

Mercy: What? Why did you call me Babe?

Mercy: Okay

Sam: You called me babe and I was questioning it

Mercy: I did?

Mercy: Oh I did, I'm sorry

Sam: It's fine

Mercy: We will see you there.

Mercy: SJ wants me to wear my "Spidermom" because he is wearing his, if you want to wear Spiderman you can

Sam: I got you

#samcedes #samcedes rp #samcedes roleplay #sam evans #mercedes jones

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kpopehell · 7 years ago

Text

My future past (part 1)

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Word count: 2k

Genre: angst, smut in second part

You can find part 2 here

Note: This one is for my beloved girl @taexual who’s celebrating today! I wish you only the best sweetheart!! ♥♥♥

Your slumber turned into a pure panic right after you woke up and saw what time it is. You were late, again. In many cases, you didn't mind but this time it was the worst thing that could happen to you. Today you were meeting your new boss.

You worked as a secretary in a huge company. Your job was perfect, the amount of work was appropriate, your colleagues were easy to work with but there was one thing you couldn't stand - your boss. That's why it was so important to you to make a good expression on your new one.

You dressed as fast as you could. You decided to wear a simple dark turquoise dress because you didn't have to combine them with anything so it saved you some time to do your hair and makeup. Nothing too complicated though, but the final results were amazing. You even managed to make a decent eyeliner! For a second, you felt like nothing could go wrong. But where's the fun if everything works as it should, right?

The minute you stepped outside your building, it started raining heavily. You quickly jumped into your car which was parked on the other side of the road. Fortunately, the way to your work isn't that long so there was a still chance you might get there in time.

*Road closed*

The storm apparently caused few trees to fall. One of them fell on a road which made your way to work twice as long. Great. You'll be late. Hopefully, your colleague will try to excuse your absence to your new boss.

After 50 minutes, you finally got to work. There were few files in your car which you needed for work but you were not sure which ones they were, so you just grabbed all files you could find. It was pretty hard to get into your office with this extremely huge and messy pile of files in your hands, plus you had to carry your bag and few other stuff. There was no one in the hallway so you didn't pay much attention to obstacles which might be in front of you, besides that, you knew how to get into your office even with your eyes closed although your office was on the 4th floor.

What you didn't expect, was bumping into some asshole who apparently loves standing in front of the elevator. You've been too caught up with sorting your files when the elevator stopped on your floor, that you didn't notice that dumbass standing there.

Few of your files fell to the floor and his coffee got spilled all over his white shirt which became see-through after it got wet. "Damn it, I'm so sor.." you swallow hard after you noticed his perfect body. It was almost illegal to hide such a great body under any kind of clothes. It was so hard to look away but his strict, familiar voice brought you back to reality

"N/Y?!? What the.. I ehm.. you.. are you blind?!" he was really angry. "Oh my god, Jinyoung?? What the hell are you doing here? And jeez, obviously I was busy doing something, so I'm 'sorry' I haven't noticed your stupid ass," meeting your ex-boyfriend wasn't on your today's to-do list so your reaction was quite understandable. You didn't yell, but you also weren't trying your best to stay calm. How could you after seeing your hot ex after more than 3 years, especially since he looked even better than the last time you saw him. "I was waiting for the elevator. That's what people do when they want to get on their floor," he stated as if it was the most obvious thing.

"You could've used stairs. It's only a few floors to the exit," you were not in a right mood to deal with him. You wanted him to get out of your sight. Your memories were too painful.

"Exit? What, no! I have an office is on the top floor," this was getting confusing for you.

"Your offi.." you froze. The realization hit you like a truck.

HE IS YOUR NEW BOSS.

"It's my first day today and oh god, look at me! I am supposed to meet my assistant at 10 and look, it's 10:07. I'm running late because of your clumsiness! You owe me a new shirt. And a coffee too. Ahh," another bunch of complains left his mouth.

You haven't paid any attention to his words. Instead, you were planning how to escape. You were pretty sure he's gonna kill you after he finds out you're his new assistant.

"I gotta go, Mr. Park.. eehm Jinyoung I forgot a.. ehm my lucky pen.. I.. bye," you were way too freaked out to create a complex meaningful sentence. Without any other words, you ran away, leaving your files on a floor. You didn't dare to turn around but you were sure he was confused by your reaction.

As soon as you got into your office, you shut the door. It was a big office and you shared it with one of your colleagues - Laura. Her eyes grew wide when she noticed your facial expression. She's never seen you so scared before which caused her panic level to rise.

"Y/N what happened? Is there a chupacabra running through the hallways?" she asked you without blinking.

"No. Something worse. My boss," you sit down opposite your friend and laid your head on a desk.

"And? Why are you so surprised? I gave you a file with some information about him, including a photo of him. He's really hot by the way," you looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Although your files were quite messy, you knew she hadn't given you any, especially not the one about your ex-boyfriend. Your confused expression gave her a hint. "Or I forgot?" her daydream about your ex-boyfriend turned into a panic again after she had realized she didn't give you his file. She opened a top drawer on her desk and found there two files. Yours and his.

"What is your file doing here? Oh no, I probably send him someone else's file. Geez, Y/N I'm sorry! Don't worry I'm going to fix this," Laura said. Suddenly you hear someone knocking on your door. It was your another colleague, Amy.

"Hey guys," Amy said. "Ehm, I just got called by our new boss. Did he call all of us or just me?" Amy asked a bit frightened, probably she thought she did something wrong.

"No, sweetie. He actually called only Y/N," Laura said while scratching her head. "Y/N hurry. Mr. Park is waiting for you," she said with a stupid grin on her face.

She always did this. She messed up, promised to fix it and then she acted as if nothing happened after the problem got fixed on its own. You hated this. You groaned and stood up from your chair ready to face your boss. "Amy, you can go back to work. As Laura said, it's me who's he calling. This is a just a little misunderstanding," you ensured Amy and she nodded. "Wish me luck."

The way to the top floor took you around 6 minutes. The longest 6 minutes of your life. You were praying the whole time although you didn't even know how to pray properly. You took 3 deep breath and entered his office. You saw him standing in front of the window or let's say, you saw his broad shoulders, slim waist and most importantly, his peachy bum which always turned you on. You quietly knocked on the door to get his attention.

"Come in," he said with a smooth voice. "I've been waiting for you." Did he know it was you? You took few steps until you stood in front of his desk. There was a chair in front of it, but you didn't feel comfortable enough to sit there, although it was probably what you should've done.

"It's still raining," he said as if he forgot why he called you there.

You haven't replied. You were too nervous to do that, and his unimportant remarks were not helping, they were actually making it even worse. After few seconds of silence, he reconciled to the fact that you're not playing his game. He slowly turned around just to see you. His smiling face was quickly replaced with a shocked one.

"Is this some kind of a joke?" his tone of a voice was deadly serious this time but of course, it didn't stop you from joking around. You always joked around in critical situations.

"Nice shirt. I love that brown strain," it wasn't the smartest thing that came to your mind but somehow you expected to ease the whole situation. To your surprise, he laughed.

"You've always been so funny Y/N. If I knew it's you who's coming here, I'd take the shirt off," he knew all of your weakness, and his bare torso was one of them. Only the thought of him without his shirt made your knees weak.

"But really, what the fuck are you doing here?" he asked boldly.

"You wanted to see your new secretary, so I'm here."

"What? No, this must be a mistake. You're supposed to be some Amy Whatever."

"No, that was a mistake. My colleague messed up some files and accidentally sent you Amy's instead of mine," you explained. He seemed to accept your words, well, he had no other choice.

"But what are you doing here? How did you even get into this position?" You asked him.

"Well, after you had dumped me, I tried to focus on my career," he explained with a slightly annoyed tone. Obviously, he was still angry that you broke up with him.

"Are you gonna fire me?" you looked straight into his dark eyes. He chuckled.

"No, silly. Why would I fire such a pretty thing?" he slowly walked behind you. He definitely knew how to create a tension and you were slowly falling for him all over again. His lips ghosted over the back of your neck and you could feel his breath on your skin which caused you to shiver.

"I think the universe wants us together, babygirl."

Oh no no no. In this point, you wished he would actually fire you. You would rather lose your job than become his doll once again. He had been playing with you during your whole relationship, and it really wasn't easy to escape from him. But you had no other choice, Park Jinyoung was crazy. And obviously, he still is.

He pushed you to the table, and you could feel his whole body pressed against yours. His hands on your sides.

"You know baby, it wasn't nice what you did," he kissed your neck. "Daddy didn't deserve it."

You knew what he was talking about. And this time, you agreed with him. It really wasn't nice to break up with him through SMS and move to a different city so he'd never find you. He has always treated you nice. He'd never do anything to hurt you. Simply, he knew how to manipulate you, to own you. It took you 2 years to realize he had been only using you to fulfill his needs.

Although you didn't want to admit it, you have missed his touch. His soft kisses on your skin, his hand all over your body, his moans in the most intimate moments. Fuck it, you wanted him.

"You're wet, aren't you?" he bent you over the desk. "But it's not because of the storm outside, I'm I right, baby girl?" he whispered into your ear.

He was right, though. Your panties haven't been this soaked in months, and he hasn't even touched you properly. Your breathing got heavier when he pulled your hair. He turned your head a bit, so you could see him from behind, still bent over his desk.

"And now, you little slut," he whispered and pressed a light kiss on your sweet spot which he knew very well. "Get back to work." his firm grip on you loosened up, and he let you go.

And there it was again. Another era of being under his control has begun. And you couldn’t do anything because a good assistant never refuses her boss's demands.

(Part 2)

Thank you for reading ♥

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kurokonbscenarios · 7 years ago

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Hey admin T-Chan I saw what you said about your mom and I've been there before (actually dealing with it now) and my mom actually made me cry in front of my friend today because I said she can't take the money I earned from babysitting and she started yelling at me saying I'm selfish and a regret I have to ask how do I deal with this because it's getting to the point where I feel guilty for eating.

If I knew where you live, I’d leave everything, come to you and hug you for hours and feed you your favourite snacks and food, because no one deserves this. At the moment all I can is give you this hug through internet ;-;

I just want to point out first before everything that each person has different way of dealing with problems. Since this turned out rather long, I’ll put it under read more so it won’t take much of your dashboard.

As for me, I’m still trying to see and understand the whole point of what I’m going through. The first time I realized something was wrong with the way some of my relatives treat me is when I went to high school, which would be 6 years this September. I was, still am, a very quiet person and shy and easily embarrassed when you meet me in person, so when I heard of all types of abuse I was like “hold on, but this happened to me?? Still does??” and I have to admit that psychology opened my eyes over my childhood.

In these 6 years I learnt a lot, but I’m still confused with these thoughts “but they don’t mean it for real” “it’s family. of course they know the best for you” and so many similar that sometimes I just freeze, act cold and distant. Out of all five friends that I have only one knows what’s going on with my mom and brother, one knows what happened years ago, two doen’t really have an idea, but Lena-chi knows pretty much everything.

When dad died, 8 years ago, I hid my feelings A LOT. I still do, which was the reason I got cardiac arrhythmia. Doctors said that it’s mostly genetic (both grandmothers had it) and some psychological (each year I lost a close relative. It was hell). I must say that 3 years ago, doctor told me I’m healthy and that there shouldn’t be any more problems anymore after I went through like 4, if not 5, operations. But during this time it was still different at home. Sure mom gave me a break, because of my health, but my brother didn’t really. It wasn’t until he went to Germany to work that I realized just how hard it can be too. Mom and I were alone, so every time she needed something, I was there helping her, doing things for her and basically anything she needed. And she got used to that. I honestly didn’t care, because it was expected that she’d call for me to help and all. All that only made me shut down and obey, because if I didn’t, we’d end up in a fight and I’d be called spoiled, which only rubbed me more, but I backed down and helped nonetheless. It was also because I’m still kind of grieving after my father. Sure he was an alcoholic and that he ended with arguments with mom, but he was always nice to me. Mom didn’t share her feelings and I didn’t with hers, I only hid myself in bedroom, where I felt most at peace and calm, especially after she started seeing other men. I guess that only made our relationship more distant than it was.

But when my brother came home, a year and half ago, I thought that maybe, just maybe, she’ll call for brother too and told him to help out and not just me. I understood that he had to get used to being home again and to take care of things, but he was home all the time. And it honestly started ticking me off when I was in my room and mom called me to bring her something from the balcony when my brother was closer. I understand that she was used to it, but it only upset me because she didn’t see him or refused to see him. Like he’d play games on playstation or just watch TV all day long and would do nothing. He wouldn’t even clean after himself and just be like how a guy acts; staying at home in his underwear, playing games all the time and if not that then he’d start nagging me with mom in the background how I don’t do anything, how I can’t find a simple job, why was I accepted into college as a part-time study (3 days at college the rest of the week free) and it really got me down. During all that time he was in Germany, he usually took my side, now that he’s home, he takes mom’s side and at first I felt rather betrayed, but now I’m just like “yeah I get it”.

I couldn’t deal with all of my emotions, cause I didn’t know how, so I got into depression a lot, and because I felt, still do on occassions, jealous of my brother. We end in physical fight a lot, especially when all three of us are at home and I’m honestly scared of him, because few months ago, he scratched me so hard and deeply that I bled and I still have the scar. It’s hard to be with them both, because one or the other will always start talking “what are you going to do about college?” “when will you get a job?” “are you going to pay the bill for the electricity?” etc and lunches are the worst thing there are at this place.

My usual self-defense is arguing back or just staying quiet. It depends how I feel. Sometimes I just suck it up and stay quiet until they’re both finished with yelling/arguing with me and I don’t break down unless I’m all alone. Sometimes I snap back and it only worsens the situation which ends with me even more upset and emotionally unstable because mom goes on economy “who’s buying you all the clothes?” “you have roof over your head, you have food to eat, you have water, you have clean clothes, what else do you want?” and I break down, because I start feeling guilty and am even more upset at myself because I start thinking “you know she’s right. you never do anything to help” and it just tires me so much. I just want a simple “you did good. you did well. I’m proud of you”. I feel jealous every time she has a normal conversation with my brother, because with me she always starts about job and college and car and it just pushes me away even more with how she has to deal with everything alone and that I don’t help her around. I feel jealous whenever she’s worried for her friends or her lover, who are sick or have a headache and when I say I have a headache she’s like “I’d have a headache too if I were inside whole day” or “get a job and you won’t have headaches anymore”.

I deal with this differently every time. I used to hide my feelings inside, refusing to show them when I’m angry, sad or upset, because I always seem so optimistic and help whenever I can. I’m a listener, but I have some advices every now and then. I used to feel betrayed, jealous and upset and I either argued back, or kept it inside until it grew and grew and went out the only way you can imagine. With self-harm. It’s hard stopping, but I beg you, don’t harm yourself, don’t even think about it. I truly do beg you this one thing.

Whenever you feel down or upset or angry or anything bad towards your mother, go to your friend, go out, go to your relatives, anywhere where you feel safe. Even if you just go out into park and stay there for hours until late, that’s fine. Go to a café and order a coffee or tea or what you like, bring a book or notebook along. I’m reading lots of psychological, history, sci-fi and real-life books. Write in the notebook your feelings, your thoughts, whatever comes to your mind. Listen to music on loud volume with your earphones in, read anything that comes under your hand. Talk with your friends, tell those who you trust what is going on so they have a slight idea what’s going on and can help if they can; cry, yell, scream, anything that could help you get better. Listen to yourself, to your body speaking back at you, but don’t ever harm yourself in any way. I admit, I was thinking of suicide a lot and if I’m honest, I still do and I’m scared cause when I’m depressed I’m not myself. I’m someone entirely different, I do and write things that I have no idea of, so I usually just disappear from tumblr and fb. I argue with mom and brother almost every day over simple things and it’s usually them against me or brother against me which usually ends with mom siding with brother even when I’m all bruised or hurt unless I start screaming LOUD. You could say that when we don’t fight it’s like a holiday.

Two months ago, when my aunt had a birthday, I told my godmothers that my brother scratched me till I bled and they actually took it seriously. And I honestly panicked because she said, in a rather joking manner, that my other godmother (who’s living in a flat beside ours) might call police if she hears me screaming. And while I felt a bit glad and reassured that maybe I just have someone on my back to protect me, I still panicked because “what if I’m just imagining things and my brother’s doing it just for fun??”

It’s really hard to deal with any kind of abuse, be it verbal, emotional, economic, sexual or any kind, cause there are so many different types, especially when you’re raised like this your whole life and you’re not completely sure if it’s normal or not or what. These days I’m thinking so much to go back to my psychologist if only to tell her everything that’s going on, but I know I won’t say a word, ‘cause that’s who I grew up to be. You can do anything to me, I will never say a word, because if I don’t trust someone enough, and seeing how they react to people with different problems and they have that negativity, I’ll never speak about what’s going on. I’ll say it either in a joking manner or write it down in my diary or in a one-shot or a fanfiction.

The only advice I can give you is that if nothing helps, your friends or relatives having hard time to help you or can’t, go to psychologist. I don’t know if where you live they’re free (under health insurance) or not, but if they are, ask your personal doctor for referral and who they think is good psychologist and go to that person. They may ask you questions from and to and give you more professional advice and if that won’t help either, hide that money in a place that’s really well hidden or bank account and have that bank card with you the whole time and save up money enough to buy yourself an apartment. I’m currently working on finding a job and saving money (from income support) for a small apartment, where I can live alone. I feel annoyed at myself for telling both Lena-chi and Denise (the one who sent me that message to go to her) with always saying how tired I am of my situation.

Save money, hide it, search for a job that could take most of your time, but still like it enough to apply for it, search for apartment and tell your friends (those you trust) what’s going on. Ask them what they think you should do. I know it’s hard and I’ll be damned to say I didn’t ask those that are in the same town. It’s hard saying anything of your personal problems and it’ll be even harder as you grow, but really.. My only destination right now is to at least get a job where I won’t be home most of the time, even during weekend and holidays and I honestly don’t care how tired I’d be or anything, and then saving that money, go to Sweden on a 2-week vacation and then search for apartment.

The road to that destination is and will be hard when you don’t have the support you want, but even if there’s just one friend, be it from your hometown or miles away, it’s still better than nothing. I’m sorry this is happening to you, I truly am, but know this, anon, I have your back even if I’m miles away. Try not to feel guilty for what your mother’s making you think. You deserve that food, you deserve that money, you deserve everything. I may not know what exactly is going on at your place, but I know enough that you deserve to be loved. I may not be your close friend or relative, but I love you and I’m proud of you for standing up against her and don’t back down. You might be called spoiled or selfish, but you alone know best what’s going on. Don’t bother with neighbours or someone who doesn’t know of the situation enough, they can judge and point fingers how much they want, but you know who’s the real victim.

If you have any kind of problems or questions, you can ask me here or on my personal blog off anon or on anon I don’t mind. I never, and will never, judge people. I’ll try to help as much as I can.

#out of bounds #T-chan #Anonymous

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