#almost absolutely garenteed to bite me in the ass very quickly. and i am no closer to decided if im going to this supid mini conference
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#well it's now after midnight. i had abt an hr long total freak out. made a very bad life choice that is#almost absolutely garenteed to bite me in the ass very quickly. and i am no closer to decided if im going to this supid mini conference#tomorrow. i should go. my boss has implied that i should go.#so i should shut the fuck up and drive out there tomorrow morning and sit thru a bunch of annoying bullshit#and stop throwing a tantrum abt it. i do this literally anytime i have to attend something social#my body tries everything in its power to allow me to justify bailing. and its exhausting#like u cant just get out of things u dont wanna do by laying down and having a meltdown abt it#i mean. objectively the actions demonstrated were not those of a person fit to be on the road diving a vehicle on what is shaping up to be#less than 6hrs of sleep. but ya kno#and if i go tomorrow its literally all day. kike full on 8.30 to 5.30 and bbq starts#and i need to work on my presentation for thrusday. so id have to bail on the bbq bc i dont wanna fucking deal with that#and then my boss will be like: ur leaving 🥺 and ill feel bad bc anytimr i let the symptoms of my aflictions affect other ppl it just#feels selfish bc like. i know whats happening i dont have to let u get caught in the crossfire#but my brain is telling me i shouldnt go. but if i went it would prob be fine. i just dont want to#but i also dont wanna txt my boss at like 6am like heyyyy so fyi im not coming again today bc... like i dont even kno#bc anxiety i guess. but like boohoo shut the fuck up. if i listened to every anxious voice in myvhead id never#do anything... and i dont do anything. but i shouldn't listen to those voices. but i also shouldnt drive on a lack of sleep#idk i just wanna txt my bosss like: how much do u want me to go? bc ill do it if u make me#but i also might have a breakdown afterwards so like i maybe wanna avoid that?#idk i should sleep. we'll see what happens in the morning i guess#unrelated
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