#almost 20 years later when i drink too much or i can't sleep i remember this scene

[hekateinhell]

"Maybe as the years pass," he [Armand] said, "desire will come again to me. I will know appetite again, even passion. Maybe when we meet in another age, these things will not be abstract and fleeting. I'll speak with a vigor that matches yours, instead of merely reflecting it. And we will ponder matters of immortality and wisdom. We will talk about vengeance or acceptance then. For now it's enough for me to say that I want to see you again. I want our paths to cross in the future. And for that reason alone, I will do as you ask and not what you want: I will spare your ill-fated Nicolas."

I gave an audible sigh of relief. Yet his tone was so changed, so strong, that it sounded a deep silent alarm in me. This was the coven master, surely, this quiet and forceful one, the one who would survive, no matter how the orphan in him wept. ~ Lestat, TVL

[a-dustlandfairytale]

People don't talk enough about how grief feels like a freight train running through your chest. There is no definitive conclusion on when it will end nor fade. Some days you feel kinda normal and you wonder why your friends treat you like glass. Other days you feel like even a pin drop could cause you to break down. This post is very personal so don't read ahead if you don't feel up to it.

I was reading texts that were from my dad, whom I lost 2 years ago, and I've been crying. It feels like needles of torture, but somehow worse than that would be to forget and ignore, because it feels like that's what everyone is already doing. It feels like my lungs fill up with fluid and I wanna cry out with animalistic wails as I grieve. Boy do I grieve. Grief is used too sparingly for a word that takes a bite out of your world.

My dad died when I was 19 (going on 20) I'm the most painful way possible for me. He had been sick on and off for months. He promised he would go to the doctor if he wasn't feeling well. He didn't and I ended up finding him dead. I had to tell my family he died. When I found him I didn't even know, I couldn't tell. He looked peaceful, like he was sleeping, but he was on the floor. I called my mom to come up from the car as they were divorced. Not long later she told me to look away and thats when I knew. I don't even remember what the cops asked me when they arrived. I just kept looking to where my mom covered him in a blanket. I couldn't breathe. I still don't think I can breathe sometimes.

5 months later my oldest brother died. His mom and stepfather had always been alcoholics and always peer pressured him into drinking. My dad definitely didn't love it but it was hard to beat a guy who was literally a multimillionaire. My brother became an alcoholic as he grew up. He always thought he could just have a drink on the weekends after he got out of rehab. A month after my dad died he almost died from liver failure and didn't tell us. He just told me he was in the hospital. So he kept getting mad as I nagged him. I was so worried. Foe good reason as I would soon find out. His doctor gave him maybe 5 years to live if he stopped drinking. Maybe a year otherwise. He told us on canada day. I held his hand as he died in the hospital barely 2 weeks later during covid restrictions, which meant only 2 people could be there. Only me and his girlfriend were there. His mom was too scared to see him die. His body was so thin and his hands so swollen. They couldn't give him anymore blood cause he kept bleeding out. He actually died with a liquor bottle in his arms. While i didnt love it, it was his last wish, it was the last thing i could help do for him. Before I met my brothers mom and stepdad, I never knew I could truly hate someone. Her and her husband are people I truly hate and will never forgive. Their daughter died this year from an overdose 2 days after I saw her. They only have 1 kid now.

I've never been able to find a therapist that works for me. Like there have been some okay ones but when it comes down to it, it seems that according to them veryone and clearly it hasn't been working for me. Since all this happened it's not unlike chidis reference to the ocean, thats how my grief feels and I want it to just go back to the ocean, but at the same time, much like Eleanor, im so scared I'm gonna somehow lose along the way. It's been 2 years.

I'm 22. I wanna be normal. I want my dad and brother here so badly. I wish I had been by my dads side earlier and helped him. I have so many regrets but I feel like I can't let them go.

Anyways back to our regular scheduled programming.

[queerminalminds]

10th doctor x male reader

10 | doctor?

a/n: this is a part 2 to "pet names and cuddles"

y/n: your name

y/n's pov

i shuffle a little in bed, just waking up i move my leg and it hits something. i perk up a little and see there's another figure in my bed. i freak out a little but realize it's the doctor and i smile.

he's still asleep. i thought. i lean over to see his peaceful face while sleeping. he's so beautiful. his breathing is evenly paced, my arm is around his chest and i can feel both of his hearts beating proudly. i mess with his hair a little, trying not to wake him. i decide to get up and get dressed, then realizing i was in the doctor's room, not mine.

i quietly leave the room, giving the doctor a final look before heading to my room. i go and get dressed and head to to the kitchen located down the hall from the doctor and i's room. i get out bowls and pans, i decided that i was gonna make the doctor some eggs, beans and toast. a generic scottish breakfast. since this regeneration is scottish.

it takes about 20 minutes to make all together, i hope the doctor isn't up yet. i put everything on a big plate and bring some juice along with it. i walk slowly to the doctor's room, trying not to drop everything. i enter and see him shuffle in the bed, good timing he's just now waking up. i stand there, not wanting to scare him. he sits up and runs his eyes then looks up at me.

"oh y/n."

"hi doctor, i brought you some breakfast. im not really that good at cooking though." i handed him the plate along with the juice.

"y/n, you didn't need to do this for me." he says as he looks down at the food.

"i like spoiling you, i just felt like giving you breakfast in bed today." i reply and sit down next to him.

"what is this stuff?" he asks.

"it's a generic scottish breakfast, eggs, toast and beans." i explain.

"what's scottish?" he tilts his head and i laugh.

"it's the accent you have silly." i giggle.

"yes, right that. sorry i was blanking out a little." he shakes his head a little and runs a hand through his messy hair. i stare at him with a concerned look.

"doctor are you alright?" i ask and he doesn't reply, in fact he doesn't even look up from his food.

"babe?" i whisper, you can hear the concern in my voice. he finally looks up.

"huh?" he says.

"are you sure you're alright? you didn't answer me when i said your name." i put my hand on his shoulder and he leans his head down to rub against my hand.

"you said babe and i answered you though?" he tilts his head again.

"no your real name, doctor." i say.

"right yeah that's my name doctor?" he asks.

"ok somethings definitely wrong with you." i say as i put my hand up against his forehead. his forehead seemed kind of warm and i frowned and stood up and left the room.

"y/n where are you going?" he asks as i leave, i don't answer him and i walk up the stairs to the tardis console.

"god i wish you could speak tardis." i said as my hand ran along the console.

"somethings wrong with the doctor, he doesn't even remember his own name. he only responds to pet names i give him." i ramble to the tardis, knowing i won't get an answer in return. suddenly i heard the tardis wheeze and the tardis shook, like we were moving.

the tardis eventually stopped and i walked towards the door, a bit scared on what i will find. i open the door and we are outside of an apartment complex. i took in my surroundings and saw a blonde girl running towards me. i shut the door so she couldn't see inside.

"no way! how? how can he be back? doctor?" she asked me and i looked at her in disbelief.

"uh im not a doctor sorry." i say nervously and scratch my head.

"but this is the tardis. are you the doctor's new companion?" she asked, she seemed to know a lot about the doctor.

"how do you so much about the doctor?" i asked.

"im rose tyler, i was the doctor's companion once. but how did you get here? this is an alternative earth. it's almost impossible to get here." she explains.

"oh yeah he's talked to me about you." i say and she smiles.

"really? it's been years for me since i've seen the doctor."

"hey rose!" a familiar voice calls out from behind her. she turns around and i see him, the doctor, but it wasn't him. he was wearing different clothes. not his usual attire, otherwise he looks the exact same.

"doctor?" i ask and stare at him.

"who are you?" he asks and he grabs rose's hand.

"i-im y/n." i introduce my self and i shake his hand.

"nice to meet you y/n." he says and smiles, god that smile, the same.

"how-" i start and rose cuts me off.

"long story but he isn't your doctor. he has 1 heart, he's human." she explained and i nodded trying to follow along.

"why are you here anyways? and where's the doctor?" she asked and my mood went from confused to upset.

"im not sure, the tardis took us here all by herself." i replied shrugging.

"but there's um, something wrong with him. he doesn't remember his own name. but i, i call him by pet names and he responds with those but not his own name." i explained and rose giggled a bit.

"let's see if we can help shall we?" the other doctor asks leading us to the door of the tardis. i open the door and we all enter.

we head back down to his room and i tell them to say outside so he doesn't get freaked out by seeing himself and rose. he told me that he loved rose and it still has me jealous.

"hey handsome?" i say in more of a question and he turns around from whatever he's doing and smiles and runs over to me.

"y/n!" he exclaims and embraces me tightly. i smile and look behind me, seeing rose just giving me a wink and a thumbs up, rolling my eyes i look back to the doctor.

"you still feeling okay?" i ask and he nods.

"never been better? who's with you?" he looks around me and his eyes widen.

"ive seen you before haven't i!" he says and points at rose.

"it's me doctor. it's rose." she says softly and walks towards the doctor.

"i-i don't know a rose..." the doctor stutters and backs up a little towards his bed. rose stops heading towards him and backs up towards her human doctor.

"y/n- why does that guy look like me?" he breathes heavily and i sit down on his bed and force him to sit. i put my hand against his chest to feel both of his hearts beating way too fast.

"he's like your doppelgänger baby, it's fine." i explain and i feel his hearts beat slow down and he sighs loudly.

"y/n, now i do feel kind of weird. my head feels all fuzzy." he says quietly so the other doctor and rose can't hear.

i curse quietly at myself and stand up and pace around the room, fingers yanking at my hair.

"y/n come here for a second." rose says and i stomp over to her.

"sorry im not mad at you, just myself." i apologize.

"not your fault. when did this thing all start?" she asks.

"earlier this morning, i made him breakfast in bed." i answer.

"what did you make him?"

"eggs, toast and beans." i say and rose and the other doctor look at each other.

"beans are evil. i don't like beans." the doctor says and that confuses me.

"beans are sometimes bad yeah but is something wrong with them?"

"why did he eat the beans?" rose asks quietly to herself.

"do beans do something to the doctor?" i ask, very confused.

"they kind of twist up the doctor's mind when eaten, he must've not been paying attention to what he was eating i suppose." rose states.

"hold on, is this even possible?"

"yes, it's very possible y/n." the other doctor replies.

"how do we fix him? i really need my old doctor back."

"y/n are you coming back?! i want cuddles!" the doctor yells from inside his room.

"cuddles eh?" rose smirks.

"another time, please? we have bigger problems here." i beg and she nods.

"the only way to restart our system is through drinking some sort of vinegar, doesn't really matter what kind. it's bloody terrible though." the doctor says.

i walk back into the room and quickly grab the doctor’s arm and drag him out of the room.

“y/n, what are you doing?” he asks as i drag him over to the kitchen. luckily we have apple cider vinegar in the cabinet. i poured a little into a cup and gave it to him to drink.

“what’s this?” he asks as he studies the liquid.

“it’s apple juice.” i lie as he immediately downs the drink and starts coughing and then he practically passes out on the ground. i quickly grab the cup before it hits the ground so it doesn’t break.

a couple seconds later the doctor sits up and looks around.

“y/n? what are we doing in the kitchen? weren’t we just in my room?” he asks and stands up.

“doctor?”

“yes?” he replies and turns around and scratches his head.

“you’re back. thank god. rose it worked!” i yell down the hall.

“rose!?” the doctor shouts and he runs towards the direction where i yelled to. i quickly follow behind, back to his room.

“they must’ve snuck out.” i say to myself.

“why did you say rose? like rose tyler? what happened?” he asks frantically, in a state of panic.

“calm down doctor you’re fine, you just had some bad food earlier.” i say gently.

“it was pretty tasty, you’re a good cook y/n.” he winks and runs up to the tardis console.

“hey doctor! you’re still in your pajamas!” i yell and he comes running back down and into his room.

“thank you!” he yells on the way down and i laugh as he gets dressed.

a/n: summary of this is, beans are evil.

[a-edgar-allan-hoe]

The Last Chthonian

Bucky x Reader, Sam x Reader, Zemo x Reader

Part 15

A/N: Phew this was a long ass chapter to write! Feedback is greatly appreciated lovelies! That way I know I’m doing this right. 😂 I hope you all have a lovely day! Mwah!

Summary: Imagine being Hekate, the Greek goddess of magic and witchcraft, the night and the moon, doorways and crossroads, creatures of the night, and ghosts and necromancy. You stumbled upon Earth many centuries ago and since then have resided on the foreign planet. During the recent years you created an alias for yourself to hide your true identity, and after the war against Thanos you chose to live out your days in the Scottish countryside, until a certain trio appear at your doorstep one day.

Warnings: language, blood, scars, brief mention of past trauma and torture

The world seemed dimmer as you sat there on the ground with your back leaned against the metal container, your hand clutched to your aching side from where the bullet had managed to pierce your skin. The bottom of your shirt was soaked with your ichor as you groaned from the sharp pain, your breathing uneven as you looked up to the skies. This had never happened to you before, this wasn’t supposed to happen. With tear stained cheeks, your thoughts focused on your daughter Athena. You couldn’t die, not now. Not when you have your daughter waiting at home for you, no matter how much you wanted to see your family and your beloved violinist. After all the years of heartbreak and wishing to be just as mortal as everyone else, your daughter was the only thing that added color to your life, gave you hope and had you looking forward to the future. No, you were not going to die. You weren’t going to leave your daughter alone in this cold world the same way you were left alone. You were going to be there for her, raise her and watch her grow up. Watch her go to school and graduate, then live out her dreams and aspirations. You absolutely refused to die.

“Gods please.” You choked out, squeezing your eyes shut against the tears that flowed down your cheeks. “Mother, father, uncle, if you can hear me. Wherever you may be resting. Please, not now.” For the first time in many years, you felt like a child, scared and hurt, only this time you were alone, not a single member of your family left that you could turn to.

Lifting up your shirt with a hiss, you stared at the wound right below your rib cage off to the side of your stomach, blood pouring out of the bullet hole with each slight movement. “Fuckin shit. Fuck!” You knocked your head back against the metal container. Sooner or later the guys would be worried about your absence and would come looking for you, and you did not want them to find you like this. If only you could remember the damn healing spell or had any of your healing herbs with you. Ripping off the inner lining of your leather jacket, you tied the strip of fabric around your midsection, tightening it to stop the bleeding until you got somewhere where you could fully tend to the wound. With a deep breath you pushed yourself off the floor with a pained grunt, still leaning against the container for support as you zipped up your leather jacket to hide your soaked shirt. Your vision became blurry from the movement as you straightened up and cleaned your hands off, putting away your sword in your bag before starting to head off to find the guys, each step making you more exhausted than the last. But you kept your posture and pushed through, refusing to succumb to defeat. You turned the corner and a small load was taken off your shoulders, relieved to have found the group safe and without an injury. Thank the gods.

“Y/n!” Sam rushed towards you once he saw you heading in their direction. “Where were you? You nearly had us searching the whole damn place.”

“I was off fighting bad guys off course.” You rolled your eyes, trying your best to keep your composure despite your injury.

“You okay?” Sam stood in front of you with his hands on your shoulders as he searched your face. “You look sick.”

“I’m fine.” You faked a yawn. “I just could use a nap. And some food.”

“You sure?” Sam raised his brow, unsure of your answer.

“Of course Sam. I’m practically bulletproof remember?” You smiled at him before giving him a pat. You smiled at Sharon and went over to Bucky, giving him a pat on the back as well. “Good job guys.”

“Well I don’t know if I’d call that a good job.” Bucky retorted before looking at you once more and studying your face. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t look too good, and you’re sweating.”

“Yes, for the hundredth time yes. I’m fine. And gods can sweat too by the way, we’re not made of plastic.” You added with a quirked brow before looking around. “Where’s Zemo?”

Just as you finished your question you saw Zemo pull up in a classic convertible with a smirk on his face. “Supercharged.”

“Where the hell did you get a car?” You furrowed your brows at him. “You found it didn’t you.”

“You’re going back to jail.” Sam noted, obviously done with Zemo’s antics.

“Do you want to find Karli or not?” Zemo sighed at them before looking over at you, raising his brow as he noticed how your skin had slightly lost color and looked sickly, as if you had a fever, though you stood as if nothing was wrong with you.

“He's right. We need him. And there's two of us, and at least 20 of them. Come on.” Bucky added as he hopped in the front passenger seat.

“Fine.” Sam glared at Zemo as he got in the backseat. “But if you try that shit again...”

“I wouldn't dream of it.” Zemo replied as he watched you get in the back from the rear view mirror.

You hesitated, eyeing the pristine white seats with shifting eyes. Shit. You didn’t want to get them dirty and you definitely did not want them to notice you were bleeding. With a silent prayer that you didn’t mess up the seats with your blood, you slid in the backseat next to Sam right behind Zemo, trying not make a strained face from the movement. Zemo had noticed this, how you were extremely careful in getting in his car, and he wondered what went wrong with you to act this way. It looked as if you almost didn’t want to get in. Your behavior was strange.

“Well, that was one hell of a reunion.” Sharon commented as she stood by the car.

“Come back to the States with us.” Sam offered her.

“I told you I can't. Just get me that pardon you promised me.” Sharon mentioned before walking away.

“You're not gonna move your seat up, are you?” Sam glared at the back of Bucky’s head.

“No.”

“Can you kids chill out? Don’t make me put you on time-out.” You muttered, grabbing your sunglasses out of your jacket pocket and putting them on. You were starting to get a massive headache from your wound and the sunlight was not helping at all, only blinding you at the moment.

“Hey, don’t call us kids.” Sam glared at you.

“I’m 23,000 years old. I’ll call you kids whenever I goddamn want.” You leaned back in your seat, only to have Bucky and Sam look at you with an offended frown while Zemo smirked before driving away.

You had arrived at the landing strip where Zemo’s jet was. Being careful to get out of the car, you looked back at your seat in relief to see that it was still clean, not a drop of your blood on it. Oeznik greeted you all as you came in. And as you glanced at the seats of the jet, you rolled your eyes as you pushed your sunglasses up on your head. You forgot the seats of Zemo’s jet were also light colored. With a sigh you sat down, being careful not to move too much that would cause you to lose more blood. You don’t know how you had managed to last that long with a wound like that.

“Would you like anything to drink miss?” Oeznik approached you, asking you in Russian.

“Water is fine thank you.” You answered back in Russian as you smiled politely at him. You could really use a glass of cold water right now. Your wound was not only making you exhausted, it was also making you extremely dehydrated.

“I didn’t know you can speak Russian.” Zemo commented when he heard you speak.

“Perks of being a Greek god.” You turned to face Zemo in front of you. “We can speak all languages.”

Oeznik came back with your glass and you thanked him, downing the glass in one sitting. The cool water felt harsh against your dry throat that felt like the Sahara dessert, as if you were swallowing sharp shards of ice. The glass of water did nothing to quench what seemed to be a never ending thirst, you could have chugged down a 5 gallon jug of water but it still wouldn’t have provided you any relief. You wanted desperately to ask for another glass and another after that, but you couldn’t let the guys get suspicious. You didn’t want to delay their mission and have them be worried about you, there was already enough on their minds. So you slid your sunglasses back on, ignoring the anxiety, the pain, the weariness, and the uncontrollable thirst as you leaned back to get into as much of a comfortable position as you could get. “I’m going to take a quick nap. So if you three could not argue like a pack of chihuahuas, that would be great.” You noted before closing your eyes.

“We don’t-“

“Shhhhh Sam. Thank you.” You mumbled as you struggled to fall asleep, the symptoms you were feeling only getting more severe. The sooner you landed and found a place to rest, the sooner you could tend to your wound.

“Is she okay?” Bucky whispered to Sam.

“Yeah, she gets like that when she doesn’t get her nap.”

“I heard that.” You announced with your eyes still closed.

“I thought you were going to sleep.” Sam looked at you.

“I’m in the process.” You mumbled, crossing your arms over your chest as you shifted in your seat, soon drifting off to sleep.

When you woke back up, you noticed that the plane was already starting to land. “So where are we landing?” You grumbled as you sat up in the seat, feeling more drained than before despite the nap you took. You rubbed your eyes from under your sunglasses, adjusting your vision to look out the window and seeing the clouds pass as you declined towards the earth.

“Riga, Latvia.” Zemo answered your question.

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked you once he saw that you were awake.

“Almost there.” You lied. “Once I get some food in my stomach and a proper night’s sleep, not a nap, to recharge, I’ll be like brand new.”

Once the plane landed, you got up and checked the seat again with a quick glance, it seemed as if luck was on your side, in a strange and twisted away. The seat was clean. You thanked Oeznik on your way out of the plane and followed Zemo into the streets of Riga, glancing around at the European architecture. The four of you received a few stares as you went, making you lower your head and hide your face behind the strands of your hair.

“I heard what became of Sokovia.” Zemo spoke. “Cannibalized by its neighbors before the land was cleared of rubble, erased from the map. I don’t suppose any of you bothered visiting the memorial? Of course not. Why would you?”

You winced at the jab Zemo made towards Sam and Bucky. Something told you Zemo hadn’t meant it towards you. Did he know you were there? You had visited the memorial once before with Wanda. At the time, you couldn’t help but feel guilty, despite your efforts to stay back after the defeat of Ultron to help clean up and find any remaining survivors. You, a Greek goddess, couldn’t even save the country from collapsing or the man you once loved. Who’s to say you can save your daughter if anything were to happen to her?

“We are here.” Zemo announced as he stopped at a building.

“I’m gonna go on a walk.” Bucky mentioned.

“You good?” Sam asked him.

You looked towards Bucky, silently asking him if he needed anything.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll see you guys in a bit.” Bucky nodded before heading off.

You watched him walk away with a raised brow, something was bothering him. You heard the sound of keys and turned back to see Zemo unlocking the door to a building, revealing a small flight of stairs.

“This way.” Zemo gestured. “We should stay the night here before heading off to find Madani first thing tomorrow.”

Fuck. You weren’t sure if you had enough strength left. You stared at the steps as Sam and Zemo went up.

“Y/n. You coming?” Sam called out to you, making you look up at him.

“Uh yeah.”

“Hey, are you sure you’re good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You nodded with a feigned smile before heading up the stairs behind them, using everything in you to not collapse right then and there as your side burned with each step. Halfway up the stairs you were hit with vertigo, clutching your head as the world around seemed to sway along with you.

“Y/n?” You heard Sam’s voice, muffled by the throbbing that grew in your head.

Your body leaned backwards, just about to fall down the flight of stairs before a pair of arms grabbed you. You fell limp into Sam’s arms as he stared down at you with wide eyes, searching your clammy face for any signs of what could be wrong.

“Y/n? Y/n answer me!” Sam held you with panic in his voice, your body felt frail and cold in his warm arms, making his concern and worry only grow.

“Quick.” Zemo affirmed as he opened to door to his place. “We need to get her in.”

Sam picked you up, your head falling back limp as he carried you up the stairs.

“Quick. Set her down over there.” Zemo nodded towards the couch in the living room before closing the door behind him, watching Sam go over and lay you down as gently as he could. A sense of perturbation filled within Zemo as he saw you there. In the few days that he had known you, he had grown accustomed to seeing you always standing strong, your head held high and and a look on your face that meant you were ready for whatever troubles that may lay themselves on your path. He had gotten used to seeing you as the immortal daughter of Zeus himself, the princess of Olympus. Yet here you were, laid out on the couch in front of him, looking mortal and frail. It looked as if death itself was hovering just centimeters from your body, ready to snatch your soul and leave nothing but an empty vessel behind.

“What is wrong with her?” Zemo asked quietly as he moved over to where Sam was crouched by your side.

“I......I don’t know.” Sam shook his head as he tried to check your pulse before pausing, his eyes growing dark. “She’s.....dying.”

“What?” Zemo replied, his voice louder this time. This couldn’t be happening, Sam had to have made a mistake. You used to rule the Underworld alongside Hades. You were the one that guided the souls there. And after what happened, you were left to rule the dead on your own. How could you, goddess and ruler of the Underworld, die?

As you laid there, cold and sweating with what felt like your whole body was on fire, and your mind spinning from the vertigo, you felt Sam’s hands move towards the zipper of your jacket. You grabbed his wrist before he could touch you, pulling his hand away from your body.

“Don’t.” You breathed out, straining to open your eyes as you looked at him, only to see a blur of his figure.

“Y/n. What the hell is going on?”

“Don’t touch me.” You rasped out, licking your lips from how dry they felt.

“Y/n.”

“Don’t make me force you Sam. I’m fine. I just need some sleep.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Sam glared at you, wishing you weren’t so stubborn even in a state like this. “I’m going to remove your jacket to try and see what is wrong.”

“Don’t.” You squeezed your eyes shut as you groaned from the pain in your side.

“Y/n.” Sam’s voice was stern. “I checked your pulse. Don’t give me that shit. What the hell is going on?”

You sighed, not wanting to look at Sam in the eyes. You heard the door click open and saw Bucky walking in, his eyes trained on you. “Y/n? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” You whispered.

“No she’s not fine.” Sam sighed as he turned towards Bucky, trying his best to stay calm in a situation like this. “Her pulse is weak.” Sam couldn’t help but feel that he was to blame for this. He let you go on this mission with him, and now you were injured, on the brink of death with your daughter still at home expecting your return. He promised Athena he would bring you home safe.

“Her pulse is weak? What do you mean?” Bucky furrowed his brows as he rushed over to where you were.

“It means what it means.” Sam looked away, his heart wrenching form the thought of what might become of you.

“Sam said she might be dying.” Zemo uttered, his eyes trained on the floor at his feet, he still didn’t want to believe what Sam had said. He wanted to be by your side, to hold your hand. But how could he with Sam and James there? A part of him wanted to do it anyways, despite what the two thought, but he couldn’t. He knew you wouldn’t allow him.

“Dying?” Bucky looked at him in anger from the words that came from him, grabbing Zemo by the collar of his coat. “The hell are you talking about? How can she be dying?”

“Can you guys cut it out?” You said louder this time, making the men turn to you, they couldn’t exactly tell what you were going through. But to you it felt as if your head would split open in any moment. “Y’all talk too damn much.” There was no point in trying to hide your situation now. With a groan and using every last bit of strength you had left, you pulled yourself up to a seating position, struggling in taking your jacket off before tossing it down on the floor.

“What the hell is on your shirt?” Sam knitted his brows together as he reached over to touch the golden liquid that stained your shirt, unsure of what the strange substance was.

“I said don’t touch me!” You shouted as you swatted Sam’s hand away.

“Wha-y/n what the hell is on your shirt?”

“..............It’s my blood, or ichor. It’s......extremely toxic to mortals, which is why I specifically said to not touch me.” You spoke with labored breaths as you leaned back on the couch.

“Your blood?” Bucky’s eyes widened. “Why are you bleeding? And why is it gold?”

“Not everyone bleeds red James.” You rolled your eyes.

“...........lift your shirt.” Sam ordered you.

“Sam-“

“I’m not gonna ask again y/n. I know you don’t want us to go near you. But I at least need to see what the hell is going on in the first place.”

You hesitated, your lips firm as you stared down at the ground. Not only were they going to see your wound, they were going to see the scars on your back as well, and there was nothing you could do about it. With a sigh, you grabbed the bottom of your shirt, peeling it off your skin since some of your blood had dried and stuck to your torso. Wincing as you did so, you lifted your shirt up to the bottom of your sports bra and untied the strip of fabric around your stomach, revealing the bullet wound underneath.

“You’ve been shot? But how?” Sam knitted his brows together. “I thought you were bulletproof.”

Once Zemo received a view of your wound, the blood within his veins burned with rage. He tried his hardest not to go out there right now and kill whoever had managed to put you in such a condition. You had a bullet imbedded in you this whole time, suffering, nearly bleeding to death and he hadn’t noticed. Why did you keep this from them?

“I’m supposed to be bulletproof Sam. I did not expect to be taken down by some bootleg Duane Chapman. But don’t worry, he’s dead.”

“But how?” Bucky asked you, your reaction to being shot was not what he had in mind. “Are you...are you going to die?”

“Look, I’m just as clueless as you are.” You grunted, wincing from the pain. “All I know is that I have to take out this bullet and stitch up the wound as soon as possible. I don’t want to find out what will happen if I don’t.”

“Christ.” Bucky ran his hand threw his hair, thinking of any way he can help you, but you refused to let them near. They couldn’t even come in contact with your blood because of how you treated it as if it were acid to them. “So what now?”

“I’m going to have to do this myself.”

“No way.” Sam shook his head. “That’s dangerous.”

“I’ve patched up Spartans, gladiators and knights before Sam, and many others after that. After centuries of doing it, I think I know what I’m doing.”

“Well have you ever done this on yourself?” Bucky asked you.

“..........no. But I can manage. As long as you guys don’t freak out, I won’t freak out.” You blinked before gesturing to your jacket. “Inside my right pocket there’s a tiny duffel bag, can one of you grab it please.”

“Tiny duffel bag?” Sam raised his brow.

“Yes, that’s what I said. Now can one of you please get it?”

Sam went over to where your jacket was on the ground, pulling out a miniature duffel bag from the pocket.

“Good. Now set it down on the floor.” You watched as Sam set the small bag on the floor with confusion. He thought it looked like it belonged to a Barbie doll. What the hell were you doing with it? “Okay good. Now step away.” With a flick of your wrist, the men watched you with curiosity as you used your magic to turn the duffel bag into it’s normal size.

“Well that’s totally normal.” Bucky commented.

“Okay. Now open up my bag, I want you to pull out my bottle of wine.”

Sam looked at you quizzically before zipping open your bag and rummaging through it, finding your glass bottle of wine and handing it to you. “I thought you don’t drink.”

“Never said I didn’t drink, I just don’t drink your mortal shit.” You grumbled, popping open the cork with your teeth and keeping the cork in place to prevent you from biting your tongue. Slowly, you poured some of the wine on your wound, grunting from the stinging sensation that made you bite down on the cork. After a few seconds, you set the cork and bottle down beside you. “Now, would any of you happen to have a needle and thread? And some gauze? Or even some clean strips of fabric?”

“I can check.” Zemo offered before heading off. Shortly after, he came back with gauze that he managed to find, along with a sewing needle that already had a string of thread looped through.

“Thank you.” You grabbed the things from Zemo, setting them aside on the table that was within arm’s reach before hovering your hand above your wound.

“Y/n....” Sam’s voice was unsure, laced with concern once he figured out what you were going to do.

Zemo turned away. He had seen many injured Sokovian soldiers before, but this was different, he couldn’t stand to see you like this. To see you in pain hurt him in a way he never thought he’d feel when he met you.

A violet mist appeared around your fingertips as you attempted to regain your breathing, trying your best to keep your hand steady despite how nervous you were. Yes, you had patched up many people in the past, but you never once had to do it on yourself, and you were terrified. What if it went wrong? But you couldn’t have someone else do it, Olympian blood was considered toxic to mortals, killing anyone who came in contact with it. No, it had to be you. With a single deep breath, you used your powers to extract the bullet from the wound, clenching your jaw as you hissed from the pain. Tossing the bullet aside, you added pressure to the wound to prevent any more loss of blood before cleaning it out.

Holding the needle in one hand and holding out your open palm in the other, you muttered a few words in Ancient Greek, using a pyromancy spell to light your free hand up in a violet flame.

“What are you doing?” You heard Sam ask.

“I have to sterilize the needle of course.” You answered before holding the needle up to the flame to heat it up, waiting for the metal to turn red before extinguishing the flame. You grabbed your wine bottle again, taking a few swigs out of it before setting it back down. With a huff of your jagged breath, you started on stitching it closed, hissing each time the needle pierced your skin.

The three felt guilty for having stood there, not being able to do anything to aid you while you stitched yourself up. But what could they do? If your blood was as toxic as you said, there was nothing they could do.

Once you were done stitching up your wound after what felt like hours, you had Sam help you with the gauze since you weren’t able to move much. You were practically waiting for him to see the scars on your back and ask about it. What would you even tell them? How would they react? You had managed to hide those scars for many many years until now, it was a memory you did not wish to relive. Logan, Charles, and Erik were the only souls who knew about them. One thing was for sure, you did not have the strength to explain to them the story behind them.

“Y/n.” You heard Sam’s worried tone of voice. You didn’t even have to look at his face to know where his eyes had landed. You could practically feel the gaze of the three of them, staring at your back with what you could only imagine as horror.

Though Zemo had caught a glimpse of them in the dark when he was in your room, the shadows that were cast against them from the moonlight failed to show just how deep and jagged they were, as if the skin on your back wasn’t even yours.

“Y/n.” Sam spoke softly after seeing the troubled look on your face and how silent you had become. “Y/n.............what is this? What happened to your back?” Sam had seen these kind of scars before, but only in photographs in history books, never in person, and he was afraid to hear what your answer would be.

There was only one thought that came to Bucky’s mind when he saw your back. He had been in a similar territory. Those scars that lined your back were almost too familiar to him and he didn’t need to have the same ones to know there was only one possible way you could have gotten them.

“I know you guys are concerned, about my scars.” You muttered, your back still facing them as you were left in your sports bra while you changed into a clean shirt, hiding the skin on your back. “But I’d rather not talk about it right now. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to get some proper rest.”

The men nodded their heads, accepting your request before heading off in their own directions. They understood your decision and weren’t going to question it.

“Sam wait.” You stopped him, seeing him stop in his tracks to face you. “Please stay.”

Sam looked at you with a raised brow, wondering why you wanted him to stay before sitting down on the sofa beside you. “How you feeling?”

“I feel like shit, but less shittier than before.” You chuckled softly before wincing from the action. “But don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Listen Sam, about my injury, please don’t blame yourself for what happened to me.”

“I’m not-“

“I can tell Sam.” You sighed. “I just want to let you know that none of it was your fault. I chose to go on this mission.”

“I let you come along and you got hurt.” Sam looked at you. “This wasn’t part of the plan.”

“Hey, not everything works out perfect. Trust me, I thought I would be fine because only a god can kill a god..........but I obviously got shot. But the thing that matters is I’m fine. Sure, I thought I was going to die. Hell, you all thought I was going to die. But I’m still here.”

“Do you know why that happened?” Sam asked you.

“To be honest? I still don’t know the true answer to that. Part of me thinks that it has to do with the loss of my planet. Maybe my time away from my planet has left me weak.”

“Hey.” Sam spoke up. “You are not weak. You are the strongest woman I know.”

“Right after your sister.” You quirked.

“Right after Sarah.” Sam chuckled softly. “Look, what I’m trying to say is, and I’ve seen you do it, you need to stop thinking that you’re weak, and less important than everyone else. You have gone through so much, and seen so many things. I can’t tell you how to feel about the things you have gone through because I don’t know what that’s like. I didn’t grow up on another planet, I’m not a Greek god and I’m definitely not thousands of years old, so I don’t know what that must have been like for you. But what I can say is that you’re not alone, you have a daughter who you raised all by yourself with zero experience of being a parent, and you raised her well. And you have us, so don’t feel like you need to hide every single thing from us. We’re here to help. I get that there are some things better left unsaid, but please don’t feel like you have to suffer through everything alone. If you keep eating at yourself like you do, and bottle up all your thoughts and feelings, it’s only going to do you more harm than good.”

“Y’know.” You looked at him, staring into those beautiful brown eyes of his that you always loved, the ones that reminded you of a safe place that you could seek shelter in no matter when. “I was supposed to give you a pep talk, but you have beat me to it.”

“Hey, if it works.” Sam smiled at you.

“Thanks Sam.” You smiled back.

“Come here.” Sam opened his arms out for you. “You need to rest.”

A sheepish grin appeared on your face as you scooted over to him, letting yourself relax in his warm embrace. Sam always gave the best hugs. Back when you worked with the avengers, Steve, Clint, and Sam were the three you would go to whenever you wanted a hug or just someone to hold you to wash all your worries away. Before them it was always Thor, and your brothers before him. But Sam’s hugs always felt as if you were hugging a big soft teddy bear, and gods you could stay in his arms forever. You two had stayed like that for a while, Sam with his back against the couch, and you cuddled up against his chest, wrapped in his arms. Right before you fell asleep, you thought about what Sam had told you. You knew he was right. But your thoughts couldn’t help but drift over to the recent events, how you were slowly starting to fall apart to your titaness form, the dream you had of Athena, and how you had been shot. After thousands of years, your skin had been pierced by a mortal for the first time. You thought about the prophecy you had heard a long time ago, the one your father had warned you about. Did this have anything to do with that? Were you in fact becoming mortal, or was this just paving a path to something much darker, and far more sinister.

Tag List: @Little-baby-vixen @girl-obsessed-with-things @aerynchromie @sunshinepower17 @viviace @kakimakiloh @thehornyles @gambitsqueen @awhorewithissues @spookycereal-s @lulu-yuming @mochminnie @Gabitanaka47 @s00nhi @vanteguccir @tomhollandsslilslut @dracoxxyoflam @suchababie @uhhhcrypticbastard @on-my-way-to-erebor @thewinterrbucky @mylifeispainandiloveit @fillechatoyante @padmoonyfeorge @montypythonsholysnail @pollynx @aziraslowlylosestheirshit @roundbrownlover @awesomeowlbook @bookloverfilmoholic @hargreevesd

[khaleesiofalicante]

I really said fuck classes who needs notes anyway (i do I have 5 tests in the next two weeks)

before I post my live blog here, I feel like people really underestimate how bad rumors are and how much they fuck with your mental health. they don't lose sleep over them, they don't think twice. but these things are harmful as fuck. they leave wounds that take so long to recover from because you keep on thinking about these lies who to others are "just words"

I've been there. it's not fun. I wish I had the courage back then to stand up to those rumors which I have now. these things never leave you. others might move on but the healing process is a journey that is long and hard. I wish more people understood just what effect their words can have.

Yeah, he knew a thing or two about family members going overboard with glitter.

IT'S RAFAEL CENTRIC GHSYGUJDUYDFUIKFDUIDFIUDF

TAVVY

TAVVY

TAVVY

DCSUIHDCSUIDUYUDICUIVSDUIHFVSUILFBUHKIFSV

I feel like I keyboard smash A LOT

“You will never drink even if you are not riding the bike,” Dad had pointed out – all Consul Voice and threatening glares. “The legal age for drinking in New York is 21.”

“But it’s 15 in Idris!”

“Well unfortunately for you, we are in Exile,” dad had grinned.

DAD ALEC UHIKSFDUIHKSGUIKSDVUIHKDVUHIKSVD

Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay. In his brother’s defense, Bapak had so many clothes that he never noticed when things disappeared. But Rafael did since he had a habit of wearing his father’s clothes.

The warlock – not the shadowhunter.

He wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those sweaters.

Now that Rafael was 18, he was almost as tall as his father.

The shadowhunter – not the warlock.

I AM SCREAMING

I love how he's clarifying which one he's talking about

“Do you know I used to have a crush on Lily Chen?” Tavvy blushed. “But then I found out she made out with Helen once and it kinda got weird.”

Ah yes. I remember. Does Rafael know that Alec also walked in on them?

ARCHITECT TAVVY

SDHDVUHDFSV,YDSFVUYVSFFUSVFUVFS

SHADOWUNTERS ATTENDING MUNDANE COLLEGES

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.”

“Cause they are chill?”

“Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled.

Surprisingly that's exactly what my grade 6 prefect told me (DAMN WHY AM I ALWAYS REMEMBERING GRADE 6 IT'S BEEN YEARS. that was a horrible year *shudders*)

ANJALI IS A CENTURION

LMAO THIS IS WHAT RAFAEL MEANT WHEN HE SAID HE WOULDNT WANT TO GO TO THE SCHOLOMANCE FOR PERSONAL REASONS

I still ship them.

“The meeting is going to go perfe-What is SHE doing here?”

Well, that was a quick change-

Unlike Aunt Maia, Lily did not like to be called Aunt Lily. So, Rafael respected her wishes. Max of course continued to call her Aunt Lily and sometimes Abeula Lily since his brother had a pathological condition of pissing people off.

THAT'S SO MAX OMG JHSXUHSCUHISDHUHUKIDVS

great now I miss Raphael

I HAVE A CLASS IN 7 MINUTES STOP MAKING ME CRY

that is so thoughtful of him though...

tears.

“There are no photos of Raphael,” Lily sighed.

“Because he is a vampire?” Tavvy asked sympathetically.

“Because he is Raphael,” she grinned. “Vampires can most certainly take photos. You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.”

Of course, it is. No one is surprised.

Tavvy picked one up, took a large bite and it threw it back immediately. “Holy shit, that’s spicy!”

“White,” Lily and Anjali snorted at the same time.

white people and their bland foods smh

“She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.”

As she should be

UHDSUHDFSUHFDH ANJALI AND RAFAEL COMPETING ABOUT WHO'S LILY'S FAVORITE

He observed Anjali’s long dark hair spilled over her shoulders as her eyes stayed on Lily – sharp, protective and beautiful.

"Beautiful"

I AM NOT LETTING THIS GO

I'm THE DAMN CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

FUCKING RUMORS

I'm GONNA KILL SOMEONE

“Shadowhunters are awful gossips,” Anjali said. “Let’s not waste our time with this nonsense.”

There was something in her voice. Something he couldn’t put his finger on.

No, wait I want to know what was in her voice.

But no. It couldn’t be. They weren’t dating.

YET

Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet.

OH MY GOD THESE TWO

But this was different. He would tolerate rumours about himself. But he would not tolerate rumours about his family.

I and Rafael will beat up the people who spread these rumors together :D

“She once told me she likes sipping tea more than drinking blood.

I-

same.

NOT THAT I DRINK BLOOD-

RAFAEL LMAO NO

"I hate her she's so annoying"

continues to daydream about her and how tall she'd be without those boots, lies to tavvy about her dating someone

Why did he do that? What was the purpose? Did he not want other people to date just because he wasn’t dating anyone?

And he calls Max oblivious.

oh class started

shit

IDC IDC I'LL STILL BE READING

LEXI AND SELENA ARE AT THE ACADEMY

JACE HYPER FIXATING ON THINGS BECAUSE HE'S BORED IS SUCH A MOOD

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?”

“Save me,” David mouthed from behind the man.

LMAO POOR DAVID

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.”

He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves.

yup, that's them.

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?”

“What? No! He is the just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?”

He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name.

Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name.

Idiots

ok, there is so much to unpack here.

DAVID HAS A VALID REASON OK??

These two are such IDIOTS HUSDUHISCUIDSVCUIHVSDUHI

“Max said Bapak is biased, and that he needs an unbiased tutor. Uncle Ragnor volunteered,” Rafael chuckled. “God bless the poor man.”

“Max isn’t that bad,” David replied.

“Looks like you’re biased too, David,” Rafael winked and picked up a spare bow from the training room.

of course, he is.

G-FORCE KJHSDCUISDYUKDFSUYKDSVYUSFD

oh shit

oh shit

WHO DID WHAT THIS TIME

what's the rumor and who do I need to kill

He didn’t know her well. But she knew a lot about him. Just as she knew a lot about the twins. She was one of those people who was oddly invested in his life just because Rafael happened to the Consul’s son.

what is her problem?

what the fuck

I need a minute

I need a minute to digest that

I'm so glad I closed my camera in class

what the actual fuck did she just say

tell me I'm hallucinating

times like these I wish I was Jared 19

no, because I'm actually speechless right now

Paige and Irene need therapy

OH SHE WENT THERE

“Paige, that’s enough!” the Dean snapped at her. “How dare you talk to him that way? You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.”

THANK YOU

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK SIMON

I feel like we all focus so much on the "incest" and hate on clace we forget that this part of the story was literally an abuser seeing that the victim was recovering and took the only thing which made him happy from him

I can't believe this

“Children have been suffering for a long time now, Paige,” Uncle Jace said now, his fists balled at his sides. “Where were you when Alec proposed the child protection bill? We didn’t see any of you supporting it.”

“We had other priorities,” the older woman replied. “People were dying! It was not the right time for a new law. We could have always signed that bill later. There was no rush!”

OTHER PRIORITIES MY ASS BITCH FUCK YOU

hey just realizing Rafael is the token straight

I'M SORRY IM TRYING TO DISTRACT ME

“The Cohort who made children kill themselves to prove a point?” Uncle Simon asked dryly. “That Cohort?”

I am so close to either crying or killing someone or both.

This was Max’s spot since it had the best Wi-Fi coverage.

yeah trust me I spend all the time in the guest room because it has the best wifi coverage or the study.

MAX IS SMOKING TOO

YOU FUCKING IDIOTS

oh wait

oh they might be alec's

yeah

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell.

Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too.

He kept talking about portalling people to hell.

MAX YES LET'S DO IT!!!!

But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them.

They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams.

YES! To others, it's just words. meaningless. to you, the effect can be so so deep. it's not easy to always brush them off.

NO MAGNUS

THAT'S IT

MAX AND I ARE PORTALLING PEOPLE TO HELL

WE'RE DOING IT

why do we hurt others?

my teacher: ill take a test on this chapter. all 20 units

me: softly crying because people are little shits and they hurt others.

“Fuck everyone else,” dad hissed. “They’ve hurt our family enough.”

EXACTLY. LEAVE THEM ALONE.

“I am simply being honest with you,” Dad interrupted. “I could never be okay when you are away from me. But I will manage. Max is going to raise hell though. So, that’s going to be fun.”

AS HE SHOULD

Neither Rafael nor Max would never admit it out loud, but on the day of that sleepover, on the day their parents had crashed the institute bcause they had missed the kids too much…Rafael and Max had been only a moment away from calling their parents to come pick them up.

He's right though.

it'll take time. lots of it maybe.

BUT THE ACTUAL AUDACITY.

It fucked with his mind so much.

Rafael...ALRIGHT WHERE ARE MY FLAMETHROWERS

“DAD! BAPA! WAKE UP! RAFE IS TRYING TO RUN AWAY!”

MAX REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY LITTLE BROTHER

He had forgotten about the bloody paperwork. Shadowhunters on their travel year had to notify the Clave and get their paperwork in order.

Well, it shouldn’t be a problem since the Clave was standing across the hall.

EXACTLY

Because it was killing him. It was killing him not to be lying on the couch, his head resting on his Bapak’s lap just like every other Saturday morning.

It was killing him not to touch, not to love, not to care.

GET MY FLAMETHROWERS AND CANNIBAL GOLDFISHES WE HAVE SOME WORK TO DO

(goddamn every class I have taken so far the teacher has told us there is a test coming up it's 9 am in the morning.)

His brother growled at that like the little feral animal that he was.

that's adorable actually.

“Fine,” Max rolled his eyes. “Does this mean I can also travel? There is a Twenty One Pilots concert in Sydney and-”

“Nice try,” Dad said. “But no. You are staying here.”

“Excuse me, but what about my healing?” Max demanded. “I’ve been traumatised by this thing.”

“You can go to therapy,” Rafael winked at this brother.

Therapy is boring but useful so-

He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place.

He needed to go back home.

UGLY CRYING WHILE TAYLOR SWIFT PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND AND MY HISTORY CLASS IN 2 MINUTES

I'm so proud of him for this...

I still say we kill these people.

JOAQUIN AND JULIETTE

UHISDCUIHFSDUGUIDFVDSDVFJHGDFVHUKDVHUKVF

Camilla Alvarez.

well well.

OH THEY KISSED

“Right,” Rafael had said. “Gap year. Besides, I do talk them. My brother threatened to paint my room in hot pink if I don’t text him every day.”

hands max a pint of paint HAVE AT IT

Max: Also – New Rumour. Dalliance between Lily and Tavvy.

Rafe: OMFG WHAT

Max: They are running with it and freaking old n*philim out.

AS THEY SHOULD UFUHIFUIHFUIHKFU

THE CENSORED N*PHILIM I'M SCREAMING

“He is hot.”

He laughed out loud. “Yeah. I hear that a lot.”

“Your dad looks kinda scary,” she pointed out.

Rafael laughed again. “Yeah. I kinda hear that a lot too.”

I'm liking this ship...

I'M STILL LOYAL TO THE RAFAEL AND ANJALI SHIP

but I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's getting the space he needs

Dad: Jst found legal age fr drnkng in Buenos Aires is 18.

Rafe: ????

Dad: I hv friends thr.

Rafe: ???

Dad: Thy r watchn u.

Rafe: Creepy but okay.

HJSDCGUIHJGSDCYUICVXUHVUHKDV

THE BOY'S DRINKING Y'ALL

Do it

MILA IS GOING TO NY!!

I like her. she's nice.

He was leaving soon. He didn’t see the point in lying to her. “I ran away from home. Kind of.”

“Why?”

“I hurt someone I love,” Rafael confessed. “The person I love most in the world.”

honey, it wasn't your fault... hugs

Shit. Why wasn’t Bapak going to the accords signing? He had been there for every single one since the very first time.

no no no no is something wrong?? I'm worried.

“You look taller,” Rafael told his brother who hadn’t grown an inch.

LMAO

Max and I are vertically challenged.

“Rafe, go to talk to him. Or I will tell everyone you’ve been smoking in the balcony!”

So, he was going to pin this on him, huh? This little shit.

well-

“You’ve progressed from freaking to fucking,” he pointed out.

“That’s not the fucking point, Rafael!” Max said in exasperation.

“You did it again,” Rafe pinched Max’s cheek. “My little brother is all grown up now. Linguistically I mean.”

“Dick."

I CAN'T WITH THESE TWO

When he had gone back to Buenos Aires, the place was completely different - even the shadow market.

There were no abandoned children in the streets. There were no racist and ignorant leaders exploiting innocent downworlders.

There was only growth.

His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.

This shows how much people can flourish under good leadership if they really try.

YOU KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING THESE NOTES DOWN, NOT CRYING OVER THIS.

“I will protect our family. I will protect our friends. I will protect those who ask for my protection. But I will not tolerate their hate. I will not turn my head and pretend it doesn’t hurt. Because it does hurt and that’s not okay.”

Rafael smiled at that. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not okay.”

“The accords is important. But so am I. There is no point in signing a treaty that is meant to value equality if I have to sign it while being surrounded by those who refuse to respect me or my identity. I simply cannot do it, Rafael. I hope you understand.”

I'm sobbing like YES YOU DONT OWE THEM SHIT. THESE UNGRATEFUL BITCHES.

“It’s taken me a while to realize this. But I don’t owe the nephilim anything,” Bapak said firmly. “It’s about time they realize that too.”

YES EXACTLY

“I’ve known shadowhunters for a long time, Rafael. Good ones. Bad ones. All kinds of them – and shadowhunters have always defined themselves by their love. Not by your weapons. Not by your runes. Not by your last names. Not by your laws. Shadowhunters have always defined themselves by love. So, don’t ever let them take that away from you.”

I want this on a T-shirt. These damn shadowhunters and their love.

“Like the Accords Hall kiss?” Rafael grinned.

“It’s the stupidest thing your father had ever done – which is really saying something,” his father laughed. “But it’s also the bravest thing I’ve ever seen him do. And that’s how I knew.”

affectionate sigh that's alec.

“Good. Max is sitting in the porch and singing All by Myself,” Tessa chuckled and closed the door. “Just thought you should know!!”

Rafael giggled at that. “He must have given you hell.”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle,” Bapak shrugged, and Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Fine. I might have promised to buy him a car when he turns 18.”

“You’re hoping he would stop aging by then, aren’t you?” Rafael chuckled.

Max is so dramatic I aspire to be like him.

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said.

Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost.

I'm ok I say as I cry during my history class

I'm so proud of him.

“Well, that needs to be rectified immediately,” Dad said in the Consul Voice and literally yelled. “I am about to kiss my son – on both cheeks! You better gossip about this too!”

“Oh my god, stop!” Rafael giggled and tried to escape.

“YAS!” he heard Uncle Jace yelled from somewhere. “GIVE US A FOREHEAD KISS TOO!”

THEY ARE SO DRAMATIC I LOVE THESE IDIOTS SO MUCH.

THEM ADDING TO THE ACCORDS AS THEY SHOULD OMG

“The hell is hate speech?” someone asked.

Do you not have a dictionary you uncultured swine

“There is a very clear difference between free speech and hate speech,” Cristina Rosales pointed out. “The fact that you don’t seem to know that is all the more reason for us to include this provision.”

YES CRISTINA

“By the angel,” an old man gasped. “There is no need to be so emotional. The younger generation can be such snowflakes.”

What if I just strangles him

“Discriminatory language?” a woman demanded. “What does that even mean?”

“Calling vampires bloodsuckers,” Lily Chen answered.

“Calling warlocks demon spawns,” Ragnor Fell pointed out.

“Calling werewolves fleabags,” Maia Roberts declared.

“Calling faeries half-breeds,” Kieran Kingson all but yelled.

The fact that they have had to deal with this shit for YEARS. (also why Kingson? isn't Kieran the king?)

THE QUEEN HERSELF IS HERE Y'ALL

“Which one of you shitheads said hate speech is harmless?” Anjali demanded, her voice booming over everyone and everything else.

YES ANJALI

Anjali had a grin of her own. “While that might true, Paige, there is most certainly a law on child protection. You didn’t just hurt Magnus Bane. You also hurt his son. Section 7 of the Child Protection Bill states that any person who physically or emotionally injures a child through ill-treatment, neglect, abandonment or abuse is guilty of breaking the covenant.”

“Damn straight!” someone yelled from the crowd – it sounded suspiciously like Kit.

CALL THESE BITCHES OUT YES

“Rafael is not a child!” someone yelled again. A lot of them this time. “It’s still not illegal. The law doesn’t say so!”

“By the angel, for someone who is obsessed with the law you people seem to know nothing about it,” Anjali said in exasperation. “The child protection law defines a child as a person under 18 years OR younger. The incident happened when he was still 18. It’s illegal.”

YES ANJALI FUCK THESE PEOPLE

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.”

SHOW THEM, QUEEN

How did she know his birthday????

ahem

“So, if you do hurt him emotionally, you can still be implicated. You will face charges and you can possibly be stripped of your runes,” Anjali pointed out seriously. “Now I ask you again. Does anyone else have to say anything about him?”

There was absolute silence then.

“Didn’t fucking think so,” Anjali spat. “I literally had to mention the stripping of your marks for you to respect another person’s basic rights. If you give half the value you place on your precious runes to other people, we wouldn’t be in exile right now.”

The Cohort looked terrified – of Anjali or their future in the Clave, Rafael didn’t know.

“People are dying,” Anjali said, her voice heavy now. “Our people are fucking dying, and you seem to be more bothered with who is sleeping with whom. Shame on you. Shame on all of you!”

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.

Shadowhunters are so fucking bigoted and narrow-minded. I'm seething right now.

also, alec looking scared-

“THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled.

“Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.”

“No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.

YES YES AND YES

“Fuck the Cohort,” Rafael giggled.

“Actually, I would prefer you use the word screw,” his father pointed out. “Screw the Cohort!”

“Oh my god, Dad!” Rafael rolled his eyes. “I am allowed to swear once in a while.”

“No, you are not,” Dad said firmly – this man was so not ready to meet Max’s new persona. “As your friend pointed out, you are still a child.”

Alec seeing Max curse left and right: 👁️👄👁️

"She hates me!"

“Rafael, she stood up for you in front of the entire Clave. She fought the Cohort. It was incredibly brave. I wish she had spoken to me before without causing all the chaos. So, it was a little stupid of course. But still brave.”

Stupid but brave.

YESYESYESYES IT'S HAPPENING!!!

ANJALI WHO HURT YOU

WHO DARED TO

Names. Give me names NOW

Jaime no...please no not Jaime.

please please, please

ok, I searched it up. And he can get treatment. He can live. It doesn't have to be serious. please, Jaime...

“If you ever tell anyone you saw me crying, I will drag you to Idris and drown you in Lake Lyn.”

This is such an Anjali thing to say.

OOO MILLA (Mila?) MESSAGED!!! Is there gonna be some sort of love triangle here??

me who despises love triangles (aside from TID of course): ...

BUT SINCE IT'S YOU I'M SURE IT'LL BE AMAZING. I'm still nervous about this though...

UHCUHDVUKDVHUKVHUVHM I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO SO SO MUCH IT WAS A LITERAL ROLLERCOASTER AND ANJALI QUEEN I LOVE

see ya on Friday!!

OKAY I AM LOVING THIS ENERGY BUT PLEASE FOCUS ON YOUR CLASSES FJKSDFHJKSJFHKD I PROMISE THE STORY IS GOING TO BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK LOL.

But I am so glad you like it. Amidst all your screaming and chaos, I always find very perceptive and profound observations. It's fantastic! I love it so much!

Thank you for enjoying LBAF - and good luck with your tests!!!

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[amongsthewavesff]

Two

 Morning light hited my face warmily. I opened slowly the eyes, Eddie was beside me, sleeping. I remember I thought: "I'm so fucking lucky" 

Couple minutes after, he opened the eyes, those blue oceans and stare directly at mine, again, my heart was happy: 

  -Good morning, angel- I loved his voice after waking up. 

-Hi, sweetheart! Are you ok? 

-Sure, was a fun night, huh? 

-Yeah, your new friends are actually very kind and funny... 

-Well, you like them, so I think was a cool first meeting, right? 

-Yeah! So what's next, what are we gonna do today?  

-I have a practice with the band, we'll testing some new stuff that Matt got for us 

-Can I go? 

-Sure, babe. But first, let's take a shower, we stink! 

-Ok, come on!- I got up from bed and opened my suitcase, need some clean clothes. 

-You're so gorgeous! Come here! Let's stay in bed a little more longer...-he graped my hips and pull me into his arms. 

-Ok, but, what's this?- I smiled after feel his boner. 

-It's because of this...- he touched my breast and my ass. 

-Babe... 

-Ask for it... 

-No... 

-Ask for it, Belle... 

-I want you right now inside of me...-I was so blushed. 

-Come here, my dear! 

 After taking a shower and have some breakfast, we went to his practice...All that talent, was amazing have been noticed it. 

The band was called "Mookie Blaylock", and they were too good. Matt was this kinda bandmanager.  They practiced really hard, almost 5 hours, trying over and over again, new chords, new lyrics, new bass...I mean, they were really into it. 

That week became amazing, Eddie showed to me a lot of cool and awesome places of the city, at same time he share the pictures and records that he made along four months. By the next friday, Mookie Baylock had a show in a really big rock music bar place. 

The guys gave a incredible show, the crowd were crazy about them! Honestly, they did their best and the fact was that I wasn't the only one who thought it. Everyone were talking about their performance, and were all cool things. 

Back to Stone's place and in the middle of a chat, this girl Sasha was drunk and kind of cheeky.  

She took me by the arm and asked me to speak alone. I agreed, without much encouragement to endure her drunkenness. 

-So, Isabelle, right? 

-Yes, Sasha. What happens? What do you want to talk to me about? 

-Well, I'm just very curious. I mean, Eddie talks about you in a very ... how can I say it? ... in a very different way, you know? You're like a mystery, but I see you and you don't look like that. You look very ordinary, don't get offended. 

-Oh thanks. I suppose. And what you need to be explain? 

-Okay. You have the right to be offended, although it was not my intention, Isabelle ... 

-Look, Sasha, I don't know what's wrong with you, you can't be nice with me since the moment you met me. I don't know what's going on ... let's cope with this situation. 

-Isabelle, I just want you to know that what I'm going to tell you is an act of bravery ...- she said and then made a strange grimace. 

-Of course, no problem.- I said a little confused. 

-I'm falling in love with Eddie ... we're roommates and it's not like we have anything, we're just friends, but I'm feeling things for him ... I'm not trying to get in the meddle of your relationship. Just, from girl to girl, you are very lucky. 

-Oh thanks... 

 -Babe! Here you are! - Eddie hugged me from behind. -Are you having fun? 

-Yep! - I hugged his arms. 

-So, Sash, how you doing, buddy? 

-Everything, Eddie. We just talked a little, girls stuff. - she took a big sip of her drink. 

-I interrupted something? - He kissed me on the cheek 

- Not at all, Edd.- Sasha was ahead to answer 

-You smell so good- Eddie said kissing my neck. 

-Honey! - I laughed a little uncomfortable at the presence of Sasha. 

-I'm sorry, it's just that I miss you so much already 

-Don't be exaggerated, it's still here- Sasha smiled genuinely. 

-Oh, if you knew how much I need her here. Her smile, her arms, her voice before sleeping ... never leave, Belle... 

-Ok, guys. See you later- she walks away. 

-So. What were you talking about?- he suddenly asked. 

-Well- I stopped- Did you like her? 

-Uhm, she's a nice girl. Sometimes she's a little quiet, but we're kind of friends now, she trust a lot on me...I don't know, I guess I like her, why? 

-Just, I was wondering how was your relation with her... 

-Are you jealous, baby?  

-No, at all. I have to admit that she's a very pretty girl. But, nothing more... 

-Ok...she's just a friend, babe. Besides, you're the most beautiful girl on earth- he kissed my nose. - And I will not cheating you yet, 'cause I'm not a rockstar already...I'm so poor to make something like that. 

-Aww- I laughed 

After two beautiful weeks in Seattle, I had to return to reality,  university and job.  

I didn't feel uneasy when I left, after all Eddie was fine and everything seemed to go well with the band, in two months they would have their first presentation, they still worked on the name of the band and on the songs of the first demo that they would promote in some bars in the city. 

At the airport we were joined by Stone (I had a good friendly chemistry with him), Mike, Liz and Sasha (with whom I couldn't speak because she always seemed indisposed) 

While we were driving there, Stone asked Eddie something: 

-So Eddie, do you plan to get married?I mean, with the wedding, the priest and all those stuff ... 

-Do you believe in marriage? - Mike asked. 

-Well, buddy. There is only one person in the entire universe with whom I could try that, the only one, that if she asked me to, I would renounce any belief I had. On the other hand, I don't know if I believe in traditional marriage, I believe in commitment and in celebrating it. - Eddie gently squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. 

- Aww, come on, Edd! Why you have to be so perfect together! - Liz was so cute. 

-So, would you marry him? - Mike joked 

-With him I would go to the end of the world- I squeezed his arm with some gratitude. 

-How old are you, Isabelle? - Sasha suddenly asked 

-I'm 20- I answered kindly.- And you? 

-24, same as Eddie. In fact my birthday is two weeks before his. 

-Can celebrate together this year! - I smiled- true, honey? 

-Wait ... 20??? Eddie, did you make her your girlfriend at age 15?! I mean, you were 20!! - Stone was incredulous. 

-16! And I want to clear up that! I'm not a pervert, nothing happened with Belle until she was 18! 

-What !? - the others seemed not to believe him.  

Sasha looked at me with a strange strange gaze. 

-Guys, please! - Eddie laughed- when I met her I knew that she would be the woman who would steal my sleep all my life, and that's how it was. And I was lucky that she looked at me. And she deserved all the waiting and patience of the world. This beautiful woman who holds my hand and my back is the nicest and most beautiful spirit that has ever crossed my life. So those 2 years waiting were worth every second ...- he added looking at me with some tenderness. 

-I like you, guys- Mike said with a funny grimace on his face. 

I left Seattle with a huge smile on my face. My confidence in Eddie was still clear and definitely the time we spent together was valuable to both of us, we were able to fully enjoy it. 

It had been another two months since that time. I went back to stay for a weekend and everything went well, however, when I got back home, something strange began to happen in the next few days.  

The presentations of the band began, now with the name of "Mookie Blaylock", the favorite player of the boys. His repertoire was short 5 own songs and 2 covers. Apparently they were drawing public attention and Matt, his representative was moving fast in the flourishing industry of the area.  

Something was happening, I soon felt that the distance between Eddie and me was huge, when I needed him he was not, and deep inside I understood that the band demanded a lot of his time in those moments, I swear, I really understood it, but what I couldn't explain was the fact that he didn't have 10 minutes to call and hear from me. 

  Things in school and in the job were very difficult, also with dad's crisis. The girls tried to be with me, but come on! they also had a life ... 

I began to have doubts about ourselves, it was the first indicator that something was failing, and that was my fear. At night my head was filled with doubts and twisted thoughts. Is he with another girl? He loves me or he don't love me anymore? And if everything was a youthful fantasy? 

Why he has not called? 

  When we were talking on phone everything seemed fine, until the moment of hanging up, sometimes neither of us knew what to say, that was another alert that I knew how to face in time ... 

Days gone really hard and slow...my head was about to explote and my chest felt cold... 

He was living a stage of adventure and perhaps the most supportive thing that I could do for him was to give him the space to enjoy it to the fullest. 

I had been thinking for days about how to say it, how to speak it without looking like a crazy jealous, I knew it was not insecurity, it was letting him enjoy freely, I mean, doing everything he had to do without thinking about how it would affect me...was har to find words. 

 Finally my phone rang:  

 -Eddie! - I was happy to hear it.  

 -Belle! Hi! - He seemed a little discouraged.  

 -Hello, babe! How are you? How is everything? 

 -Well, I'm a little tired, you know ... But everything is going well, we are very excited. There are many talented people everywhere, but there is no competition, you know? It's more like a huge musical studio, with alcohol and drugs everywhere ...  

 -I can imagine, there are many young people. And you? Do you join those parties of uncontrolled alcohol and drugs?  

 - Not really, I just don't use hard drugs, you know that.  

 -I'm glad, honey. You're not a rockstar yet, you cannot waste the money on that way...- I laughed.  

 -Belle, what's wrong? Something in your voice is killing me... - he fired.  

 I felt a seething fear rising from my stomach to my chest.  

 -It's not easy, baby...  

 -Come on, Bellie, tell me...  

 -You know I love you, right?  

 -I know and I love you too, my love... now tell me what's wrong?  

 -Edd. I want to talk about something I thought... - I hesitated to say it. 

 -Tell me... 

 -Well, do you remember when you told me that a girl got naked in your bed, and those girls who wanted you? 

 -Yes, nothing important. Belle. Are you ok? 

 -Eddie, I think we need to give us a time. I mean, before something bad happens... you know? I have doubts at night and it is unfair to overshadow this fantastic moment in your life... 

 -What are you talking about, Isabelle? 

 -Eddie, maybe you need to live alone this moment. It's costing me a lot of effort to endure all this. I'm finishing with the uni and everything is very busy, the job, everything is complicated at home. I need you, but you're not here. You never pick the phone...think about it, I don't want to destroy what we have... 

  -You're feeling something for another man? - He interrupted abruptly. 

  -No! God, Edd! Don't say that, my dear. Just, maybe we should just have a little rest of all this madness ... 

  -Belle, I know this is not an excuse, but ... if sometimes I don't call you, it's because I'm really tired and I just want to rest and write ... please don't take it in the wrong way. I think you also understand that we must continue doing things in our personal space ... Honey, everything is happening very fast, but that doesn't mean that this care less to me, or that you stop being that person who gives meaning to everything, angel... . 

  -Eddie...did you hear me? Are you listening to me?- I couldn't contain the crying. 

  -Belle, dear ... please, forgive me ... I'm a fool. Don't make a decision for both. 

  -Eddie, don't get rid of the best we have, please, babe ... 

  -Darling, don't say that. Please, give me the opportunity to repair it ... 

  -Eddie, no. Listen, we need this. If we continue with this, we will hurt ourselves, honey. 

  -Are you leaving me, Belle? 

  -Eddie ... 

  -Are you leaving me, Isabelle? Tell me... 

  -Just lets take a break, there's a lot happening around us. 

  -Belle, please, sweetheart ... there's someone else, right? 

  -No, my love. Don't go with those twisted thoughts. 

  -So? I cannot understand what is happening! I did something... Belle, there's no sense in what you've told me ... 

  -Eddie, it's just a time ... if we don't stop we'll stumble. I am beginning to feel jealousy and doubts. You too! Open your eyes, please. If we don't take some time, we will destroy it. 

  -Are you talking about that guy in the office? Belle don't compare, he told you that he is in love with you and works with you, you eat together, daily! ... it's not the same, my dear... 

  -Can you see it now? Eddie... we need this. 

  -No... you need it. And you clearly don't need me to make a decision ... 

  -Eddie, please. Let's do this in the best way, the right way. 

  -What are we doing right, Belle? Throw you into the arms of another man? Honey, think about it... you're going to break my heart if you don't come back ... 

  -We'll be fine, you can always talk to me when you want, and we can talk about everything... you can have fun, Edd... live your moment. I will be here, forever, for you. 

  -I love you, Isabelle, but stop saying bullshit! Fun???  what kind of fun?  

 -I don't know babe, there's a lot of parties and girls and... 

 -Really, Belle?- he interrupted me with some anger. 

 -Eddie, don't be so rude withe me, I'm trying to think of both and the best for us, for this... 

 -Belle, I don't need that kind of fun with any other girl... don't need any space. But I will respect your decision ... 

  -Eddie, we love each other, right? 

  -I do, but I'm not sure about what that means to you now- He was hurt. 

  -Edd, I love you. So much. 

  -Belle ... goodbye- he hung up. 

  I called again, a lot of times. Eddie never picked up the phone again. 

I left a message on his answering machine: 

  "Eddie, I love you, I will always be there for you, no matter the time or the distance, my heart and my soul belongs to you. 

What I did was for both of us, you will see that time will prove it. Take care and keep reaping the success you deserve. 

 You are the love of my life, Edd. And I swear to you that we will hold our hands again in another moment of our lives. 

  I know it hurts, but it was not a goodbye, darling. 

Be a good boy and enjoy the days that run in your heart. " 

[trulymadlysydney]

I can't name things (submission)

* *=memories

Also, I wrote this on my phone without editing it.

Also also, the app doesn’t like me like at all, pls bare with me

With a heavy heart he unlocked his phone, launched his camera roll and began the painful process of deleting his picture memories of all the good times he shared with her. Thousands of pictures flashed before his eyes as he scrolled all the way to the bottom; the very start of their relationship.

His heart twinged at the picture from 3 years ago; he managed to capture the moment after he kissed her for the first time. *Her cheeks were red, her lip between her teeth, grinning at the camera, a look of adoration on her face.

“You look absolutely gorgeous like that love” .

Her cheeks reddened more and she mumbled something with downcast eyes.

“Didn’t catch that, what’d you say?”

Sighing, she inched toward him, wrapped her arm around his neck, got on the tips of her toes, and kissed him.

“I said ‘shut up and kiss me!’ you fool” she whispered against his lips.

“Gladly.” His hands went to her waist and he connected their lips again.*

As quickly as he could, he deleted the pictures from that day; it took every bone in his body to not put all of the pictures he had in a private folder on his phone. With a heavy sigh he moved on to the next picture from their 7 date. It was an artsy picture he managed to take, it was easily one of the best pictures he had taken at the time. *Somehow he managed to convince his girlfriend to wake up extremely early to watch the sunrise. She was hyper on coffee, after all several tall cups of strong coffee was bound to make someone bounce off the walls eventually. After driving to the closest beach, and setting up their towels, she decided to play a game of tag as they waited for the sun’s rays to kiss the skyline. He gave her a head start, letting her dash across the beach as quickly as she could to avoid being caught for as long as possible. He played along with her, trying to prolong the game until the sun rose, he stealthily moved towards her whilst pulling out his phone, wanting to surprise her. The sun, at this point, was just breaking the horizon. He wrapped his arms around her body whispering that she was it before kissing her on the cheek. She placed her hands on his, noticing his phone in his hand. He quickly pulled up the camera and took a bunch of selfies of them being cute. Once his hand faltered, she took her moment to break free of his hold, sprinting across the expanse of land and giggling the entire time. Surprised, he stared at her, when it registered what she did, he bolted after her. Once he was closer again he slowed down and flipped the camera. The sun was reflecting in the water beautifully, the sky a mirage of colours and his girlfriend looked gorgeous even in her sleep deprived state. He needed to take a picture of her giggling with the background of the sky and Lake. So he took multiple pictures of the moment.*

He smiled sadly at the picture; it was of her slightly turned,  laughing at the camera, with the sun bright orange behind her and the horizon of the sky. He recalled having at least 15 photos of that moment. It was difficult picking one, but at her request, he picked the one he was looking at that moment. His heart clenched, he still recalled her giggling at the moment. He remembered how pretty she looked when she crashed from her caffeine induced excitement. Her rosy cheeks framed by her messy hair.

He really didn’t want to delete the picture, but he has several copies saved on his laptop where her face wasn’t a part of it.

—

It got easier to delete the pictures. Occasionally he’d see something that made made his heart clench but it didn’t happen often. He had deleted so many pictures of her doing mindless things. Like the time she was moving into his apartment. She took a picture of him lifting a box. At the time she thought it was incredibly funny seeing him move her over-packed boxes around.

*“Hey! You said you were going to help me, not look at me!” She giggled, stacked boxes at her feet as they waited in the elevator.

“I am helping you! By holding the door open, and carrying some of the boxes for you. Oh, and I’m also eating and drinking for you, how can you forget that?”  

“Oh how could I forget that my boyfriend is helping me carry some of the lightest boxes and eating food for me!” She gasped sarcastically.

“I’m sorry, if I recall correctly, you said you wanted to hit the gym more”

She sighed.

“That’s true, but I still need your help!”

He nodded, picked up the entire stack and walked out of the elevator when the doors finally opened. She walked beside him, grinning widely. Once they reached his door, she reached into his pocket to gather his keys, opening the door and letting him pass through. He put the stack of boxes down by his feet and pretended to be winded; he squatted slightly, his hands on his knees as he pretended to gasp for air.

She giggled at him, pulling out her phone to take a picture of the moment. When he heard the click he smirked up at her, her face faltering slightly a second before she navigated across the room. He caught her almost immediately, spinning her around to face him and he kissed her. His heart now racing from the thrill and from kissing her.

“I’m going to go get the last box in your car, I’ll be right back.” She watched him leave, laughing to her self. She noticed that he had left his phone in the apartment so she picked it up, launched the camera and waited for him to get back. When she opened the door for him, she quickly took several pictures of him with the box in hand, his cheeks slightly flushed.

When he put the final box down he rolled his eyes at her as she still had his phone in her hands, taking pictures of it all. He quickly snatched his phone from her and quickly snapped some pictures of her as well.*

He recalled having to delete multiple pictures of that day as quite a few were blurry images. He was very tempted to keep the photo of him and the box, he wanted to be able to reflect on how happy he was, but he knew that new memories would be made. Deep down he knew that if he kept the picture he would only be shattering whatever progress he made. So with that in mind he deleted the picture.

When he got to the last image of the happy times with her his breath caught in his throat. That picture was the reminder of the last time they said ‘I love you’ to one another and meant it. At least, that was the last time she said it whilst still meaning it. *~a month previously~ After another screaming match, he found himself surrounded by strangers at a bar. He nursed his pint of beer, anger still pulsing in his body. He could not believe the audacity of her. How dare she accuse him of cheating? He could never pull something like that on anyone. It was very clear that she didn’t trust him anymore and it bothered him that she didn’t. He was a good person, he could never hurt her like that. The moment he finished his beer, he paid the bartender and walked out, the cool air calming him down enough. He decided to walk back to the apartment, knowing that he would be fully calm after the 20 minutes it took to walk back.

—

His heart raced when he saw her standing at the front of the building, shivering slightly. The look of worry and slight irritation dropping immediately when she noticed him approaching her. Her eyes were watery and she smiled slightly when he wrapped his arms around her.

She murmured something against his chest.

“I didn’t catch that love, what’d you say?”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you…I love you so much”.

In his heart he knew that she did not mean the last part.

“I forgive you. I love you too”.

He felt the shift in the air as she lead him to his apartment. He knew that she did not mean I love you and he felt that he did not mean it either. And it really bothered him that he could not do a damn thing to fix their relationship. He had a strong feeling that she did not want to fix it. So after a few days of putting up with her frivolous I love you’s he sat her down and told her that it was over. Both of them were in tears. He helped her pack her things and she left that very night.*

And now here he is a few weeks later, still recovering. Crying on his bed, the scent of her perfume lingered on her side, he had deleted every photographic memory of her from his phone. He knew he had to block her social media accounts eventually, but he could not do it. He could not, for the life of him, block her incase she decided to message him and tell her that they made a mistake. He hoped that she would call him and tell him that she does trust him and that she did mean her I love you’s. But his phone stayed quiet. No new notifications from her at least. His heart hurt, but oddly, after purging the pictures, he felt free. His shoulders felt lighter and he was very certain it had to do with erasing memories of her. So, to feel better, he unfollowed her on all of her active social media pages, and left her number on his phone in case she forgot something.

The healing process was long, but he was ready to begin.

------

Oh my god.... this broke my heart.....oh my GOD

[thirst-order-confession]

heeyyyyy not to be a big bother or anything but... i was going through the monster au tag... and was wondering when part 2 of the hux story was going to come out? because i'm kind of in love with this little series and can't wait to see mooooar

Well, it just so has it. Your call has been answered. I actually had part 2 mostly done for awhile now and was looking for a good opportunity to post so... thank you. 

And also, I would like to thank @ichooseyouprocrastination because she sat down and we fangirled over thinking about Hunter!Hux. So thanks, babers 😘

Also this is like 20 pages long (not really) so I put it under the cut so save some scrolling for those actually on the blog. 

It was later that same night and things had settled down, the sun replaced with the moon in the sky and it seemed that the star had taken its unbearable heat with it. In its wake, there was only a comfortable warmth left behind.

The crickets were chirping in the night air, a distant owl hooted. There was the occasional knock of a woodpecker on its tree far off deep into the woods.

Hux sat on a fallen long on one side of the fire while you lay relaxed back your thin bedroll beneath you, your knee swaying lazily as you watched the fire, your dogs lay snuggled in on either side of you. The two of you had just finished eating; you’d shot down a couple squirrels and had cooked them over the fire.

But now it was nearing the time to sleep and you were watching the redhead from across the flames.

“Why don’t you go to sleep?” You asked him softly when you noticed his eyes drooping, his head slipping from his palm where he sat.

At your suggestion, he was blinking awake and sitting up straighter, “I’m not tired.”

For a moment, you just closed your eyes and laughed softly inside, shaking your head.

“You’re fine to sleep out here. This is the least dangerous part of the forest. Plus I have wards placed around here and there that tell me if something comes through this area. If I’m not worried about it and my dogs aren’t worried about it, you shouldn’t be either.” Still, Hux looked unimpressed, his stare unwavering, “Fine. Do what you want. But don’t nod off and fall off your horse tomorrow. We’re going deeper into the Glade tomorrow.” She smirked over at him, “It would be a shame if you got eaten.”

The redheaded man debated a long moment, his eyes narrowed on your. And then he was sliding from his seat and stretching out on his own mat, his arms beneath his chin as he lay on his stomach, his eyes on the fire.

“Say… I’ve always wondered, by the way, what’s it like up North? I’ve heard it’s cold and cloudy. That it rains a lot. Has lots of dodgy weather.”

Hux was quiet for a moment before he sighed, “Well, you’ve heard correct. Sometimes we can go days or even weeks without seeing the sun.”

You grimaced while you ran your hand back through your hair, “Is it like that across the entire North?”

“Mostly, yes. But we live more to the northeast. It almost seems to be more… concentrated over Arkanis. That’s our… city.”

“How dreary. We at least have different seasons here.”

It was now the redheads turn to huff out a laugh, “As I can tell. This heat is absolutely dreadful.” You raised your eyebrow when you noticed Hux smirking softly from the depths of his arms, his irises shinning in the firelight.

You felt your own lips twitch, “Just wait, then. Winter is coming. You should feel right at home with all the rain and snow and sleet when the year grows late.”

“Mmm, I cannot wait, then.”

“I mean, that is to say, if you even stay until winter…?”

Hux was quiet a moment but shrugged, “My father has not set a date to leave yet. But for now, I would assume so. Only now, it’s June and we have much to learn about your forest and monsters. We don’t know what we are facing yet.”

You reached over into your bag and pulled out an animal skin, one filled with some rich, red wine. You uncorked it and took a sip, the liquid burning a bit as it crossed your pallet.

Hux frowned when you made a face, “What?”

“Wine,” you wiped your lips with the back of your hand, “You want some?”

He sighed, “Well, if I’m to be eaten in my sleep, I suppose I should enjoy what’s left of my life.” He held out his hand and you tossed the skin to him.

The man caught it easily and you watched as he pulled the stopper free and took a small sip first and he too made a face before shrugging and taking a longer pull.

You sat up and crossed your legs in front of you, “You have family back in Arkanis then?”

“Yes. There is still some extended family that lives there. And my mother and younger brother, Domhall,” Hux’s lips pursed but took another short drink, now lounging on his side, “He didn’t join us on our journey because my father left him in charge of our estate and to keep the Guilds connected.”

“Mmm, how strange,” you mused to yourself as you maneuvered around to lay on your own stomach, the heat from the fire warming your face, “Typically the eldest is left in charge of the estate. It’s safer so that the name can carry on…”

Hux kept his face stoic despite the fact that he wanted to wince inside.

“…but that’s the North for ya, I suppose. Strange.”

The redheaded man scoffed, “We’re strange? Says the lunatic of a woman who thinks witchcraft is normal.”  

“That’s because it is normal,” you glowered over at him, “Again, it’s you who’s the strange one. You’d be amazed how much easier hunting becomes when you use even the smallest bit of magic.”

“I highly doubt it.”

“You do realize that’s why the town is called Occult right? That’s how our village is almost suspiciously safe despite being on the edge of the Glade?” You sat up slightly, your eyes narrowed at him. “It’s because we live on a ley line thrumming with spiritual energy and have a witch who protects us and keeps most of the monsters out. Miss Kalliope has been protecting our village as far back as anyone can remember, so you know what—”

“Miss Kalliope?” Hux himself was now the one to look suspicious.

Oh, fucking shit. “Uhm… I-I mean—”

“So there is a witch…?” He took another sip of the wine.

You stared back at him a moment, your eyes hardening, “And you’ll do nothing to her lest my offer still stands.” You reached down and pulled your knife from the sheath on your belt, stabbing it into the soft ground before you. “I won’t have you burning her and then fucking over everyone in the village. I won’t let twelve northerners stand between me and my safety.”

For a long moment, Hux just considered you, his icy eyes glowing in the warm light from the fire.

“You say that she… protects the village?” He played with the animal skin in his hands.

You nodded slowly, your face serious, “Legend has it that Kalliope was here first and Occult settled around her. And she’s the reason why we can all sleep without worry at night. She’s a good witch… looney as she can be at times. She can help you, though. Can protect you a bit when you hunt if you ask her for a ward or charm.”

Hux sighed softly and turned over onto his back, his hand resting on his stomach as he looked up at the canopy of trees overhead as well as the stars shinning in the sky. He took another long drink from the animal skin, the wine warming his insides pleasantly.

However, he frowned softly and lifted his head, his eyes peering out into the dark depths of the woods. And although he saw nothing amongst the trees, he still felt as though something was watching him.

Still, when he glanced back at you and found that you yourself were watching him, he frowned and lay his head back down. It definitely wasn’t… just your eyes upon him.

He had felt the same feeling all day but only now just decided to comment on it, seeing as how it was slowly driving him towards insanity.

“Do you ever feel like you’re not out here alone when you hunt? Like something is watching you?”

Your lips twitched and you hummed thoughtfully, your eyes themselves glancing at the trees, “Sometimes… but I’m used to it by now. And if it were something bad watching me, it would have gotten me by now and it hasn’t so… it’s more of a comforting thing now. To know that something’s watching over me. Maybe even making me feel safe.” You shrugged your shoulders. “I feel at home in the woods. Out here by myself.” You turned over on your side then, your fingers digging into the shaggy hair of one of your hounds as you stuffed your father’s coat beneath your head. “And I’m not overly fond of people.”

You grew silent then and Hux narrowed his eyes, very much wanting to press but decided that he shouldn’t, that it wasn’t his place to ask further.

So he lay back on his own bedroll, his gun at his side, and he allowed his eyes to close and forced the sounds of night to lull him to sleep.

Your brow furrowed as you pulled yourself from unconsciousness, the bright sunlight streaming through your closed eyelids causing you to lift your arms and cover your face. And you lay like that a moment, the hounds asleep at your sides snoring softly, the fire silent before you.

However, when you sat up and turned around, eyes sleepily staring across the little clearing, you found that Hux was gone, seemingly missing from his makeshift bed.

You had ought to be worried but instead turned and gazed through the trees and found that Lucio was still tied loosely to a tree, his head lowered to the ground as he ate. But Minerva was gone, as was her saddle and saddle blanket. You wanted to be worried but found that you couldn’t and instead, you lazily climbed to your feet and saddled Lucio, packing your supplies and grabbing your weapons as you pulled yourself up onto your back. Your dogs lazily rose and trotted behind you as you followed the obvious hoof prints pressed into the soft earth.

It didn’t take you long before you found Minerva, the mare lazily grazing herself and she lifted her head as she watched you approach.

Even from here, you could hear the quiet babbling of the river and dismounted Lucio to leave him by his companion before you trekked towards the sound of the water, signaling your dogs to stay where they were at the top.

And you strode down to the trees, following the boot prints, the river came into view and still, through the sleepy haze of your mind, you shifted your rifle on your shoulder and continued downwards. However, when you lifted your head, your eyes widened and your cheeks immediately blazed bright red as you caught sight of a pale, porcelain ass bent over at the water’s edge.

You immediately ducked behind a tree, your hand slapping over your mouth as you screamed internally. Well… you’d definitely found Hux.

Still, you glanced to your side and found that his clothes were discarded a few feet away on the ground, neatly folded and placed atop his boots.

Swallowing thickly, you slowly peered out from behind the tree and watched as the man rose to his full height, broad shoulders rippling as he rolled them before he stepped into the shallows, his pale bum clenching the further he stepped into no doubt the chilled water.

And then, Gods above, he was fucking turning back towards shore, a rag left on a larger rock near the waters edge and you saw everything.

If possible, you flushed even hotter but didn’t look away as he hurried back towards the shore to grab the rag and soap stored inside of it so that he could properly wash himself, a towel just beside them.

Inwardly, you were cursing yourself, screaming just in general because fuck he was such a stuck up, northern cocksucker but why was he so lean but strong, pale and unblemished expect for the smattering of freckles along the tops of his shoulders and chest, his shock of ginger hair disheveled from sleep. Why was he unfairly beautiful for being someone so ill-tempered and foul?

Why was life so unfair sometimes?

You were about to turn back and hide once more but when you finally tore your eyes away from the trimmed nest of ginger hair and the wondrous thing that it circled, you noticed that he had a familiar chain draped around his neck. He had… He was wearing…

That was your necklace!

You reached into your own shirt and found it to be missing from your neck as expected and you could help yourself no longer as you stepped from the trees just as Hux submerged his most private of parts beneath the water’s surface.

“Good morning, Mr. Hux. How kind of you to wake me this morning!” You snapped as you strode down the bank, the redhead turning his head towards you, his soapy hand scrubbing over his muscled chest. His own cheeks flushed red and he scowled at you, stopping his ministrations for a moment. “And it was also kind of you to take my warding necklace with you. It’s not like I needed it while I slept, defenseless, on the ground in a forest full of monsters.”

“You had your dogs to watch you,” he protested, resuming his scrubbing as he lathered himself up despite your presence. “And I needed to bathe. The bloody heat in your blasted forest makes me stink.”

You crossed your arms over your chest, “So then you’ll stink! We’re out in the woods!”

“I’ll only be a minute,” he huffed, scrubbing the bar of soap up and through his hair before he tossed it to shore and began to scrub with both hands. “You could at least turn around. Let me at least have some of my dignity.”

Rolling your eyes, you complied slowly and turned around so that your back was towards the man.

“So… exactly what type of monsters do you have in the forest? What are the dangerous ones?”

You rolled your eyes again. He was trying to make conversation at a time like this?

Still, you sighed and unwillingly gave in, “We’ve got a lot of stuff. You already know about the gehörnte. But then we have the shearshas, sungnerfs, windashes, laelif, lothrosties, werewolves… just to name a few. Sometimes, I think we might also have some saytrs, as well. And then… well, we call them Umbras. But they’re basically these horrible… shadow creatures.”

Hux was silent behind you, the faint splashing having quieted, “The North has shadow creatures.”

Your head lifted slightly at that, “What do you call them?”

“Just shadow creatures. Nothing more.”

Your mind very briefly flashed back to your brother and his bright, smiling face, “Yeah, well… Just watch out for them. Nasty, blood thirsty beasts that they are.”

There was some splashing behind you but you didn’t look, your heart heavy in that moment before something was being draped over your head. You glanced up just in time to see Hux’s pale self striding passed you, the towel wrapped around his waist as he sloshed up the shore toward his clothes.

When you looked back down, you found that it was your necklace, the metal already warmed slightly but the redhead’s skin.

Swallowing thickly, you reverentially took the chain into your hand before you were hiding it back beneath the collar of your shirt, your boots carrying you back up the bank to where your horses waited.

When you returned to the village a few days later, sweaty, thirst for some ale, and in need of a bath, you still were not fond of Armitage Hux. Not in the slightest.

You learned very quickly that he was very arrogant and rather full of himself despite the fact that the first few days had been enjoyable.

You’d spent a few days showing him about the woods, climbing to the tops of some of the lower mountains, explaining the lay of the land to him. You told him about the creatures, explained which ones were most dangerous and which of those were not. You told him about the town and the people, who he should befriend and who he should stay away from.

And you told him this, your voice eerily steady, “Don’t talk to anyone who has traveled off the path and are alone. Don’t even look at them.”

Your father had made that mistake.

Regardless of how pleasant he had been for the first couple of days, you had learned that evidently he only had pride for himself and the skills he had as a hunter. And he was a fucking show off. And it was unfortunate that he was a decent shot and proved to be a skillful tracker and trapper.

You hated him because of it.

Despite his patience with you for the first few initial days, the grace period seemed to rub off and the longer away he was from civilization, the more agitated the man became. And when he was agitated, he was very short tempered and tried to undermine you so many times. And that didn’t sit well with you at all.

Numerous times, you had raised your rifle and threatened him with it. Or better yet, you had threatened to leave him in the Glade. Alone.

He had been rather quiet after that and yet you could always feel his eyes glaring daggers into your back.

You were grateful when you returned home and you could tell that Hux was, too. You’d seemingly had enough of each other and you didn’t want to see the ginger for a good, long while.

Pretentious fucker.

And you didn’t, spending most of your time out in town or in the woods, hauling in carcasses and claiming coin from the Guild for your duties after you had returned, happy to be free of his presence.

However, that didn’t stop you from seeing him in passing during the heat of the day, a new blue roan horse between his legs as he oftentimes galloped into town, rifle shoved into the leather holster on his saddle horn. Too many times, he was shirtless, his pale chest and freckled shoulders glistening with sweat as he thundered into town, his ginger hair tousled and damp with sweat as his leather gloves gripped the reins of his new steed in his palms, his blue eyes still icy hard as he trotted past you.

And you hated the man… because he unwillingly had your respect. And it was very rare that people ever earned something like that.

Not to mention that he was infuriatingly enough, not an ugly bloke either. Probably one of the most pretty and dapper in the village. Someone still unworn and weary from living so near the Glade.

When you next saw him, it was on the night of the summer festival.

The village was lit up entirely with bonfires and lanterns. Every villager was out in the town, dressed in their finest clothes and dresses. Nearly everyone, man, woman, or child, wore a crown of wild flowers on their head.

There had been a feast that day that was still going on, for the hunters had made sure to bring in a lot of kill for the event that night and for the rest of the week: this was only the first night of many and everyone was already in the swing of things, music already pervading the air and filling the silence of the night.

Still, you were stationed near one of the bonfires, the barrel of your rifle clutched in your hands as you stood watch in the shadows of a building, your father’s coat draped over your sweat stained clothes.

You were content to watch and that was all, your hand sometimes reaching for the mug of ale balanced on a barrel between a couple of the log houses.

Just when you were taking a sip, a familiar form walked across the small plot of land between the houses, his fiery hair catching in the light of the flames. And then he was looking at you as if he could feel your eyes upon his person.

And then he was walking towards you and you were sighing internally.

“Well, look who it is,” he was smirking softly as he approached you in the shadows, a mug of ale in his own hands. He paused for a moment out in the light from the fire, his eyes narrowing as lifted his drink and took a sip. “Aren’t you going to join in to the festivities? You are missing so much of the fun.”

For a moment, you took in the sight of him; his deep blue tailored waist coat and a bright red ascot tied around his throat. He wore dark, clean pants and from what you could see, his boots also shone in the firelight.

You shook your head, “Someone has to keep watch. And I volunteered for the week of the festival.”

His eyes narrowed once more, “All week?”

You shrugged your shoulders and shifted your weight on your feet, “The men need a break sometimes. They deserve it.”

“Mmm, highly unlikely.” Hux muttered taking a step closer to you. “My father has had nothing but praise for you, so it seems. He said that he was looking at the records for what you’ve brought in thus far since we have arrived and your work alone overshadows all the other hunters.” He joined you in the shadows and took another sip of his drink as he looked back at the blazing bonfire and the bodies that danced around it. “Why is that?”

You shrugged once more, not looking at him, “There are always monsters to kill.”

“That may be true but like you said before… you aren’t very fond of people. That’s why you would rather be out in the woods than be here in town.”

“You’re right, I don’t like people.”

“You don’t like that people pity you.”

You hesitated a moment before your head snapped in his direction, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I went to the witch like you told me to. And Miss Kalliope told me… Told me about your family.”

Your grip on your gun grew tighter and yet you still just gazed into the fire, “I already have everyone else’s. I don’t need your pity.”

“Regardless, you’re going to get it.” Hux said, placing his cup down near your own so that he could clasp his hands behind his back, the man a towering shadow at your side. “You’ve lost everyone and that’s unfair.”

You were silent a long moment, “Well… I wouldn’t be the same person if things were different.”

“I can almost guarantee that you wouldn’t be so lonely… What with only your dogs and your monsters’ woods to keep you company now.”

You finally snapped your head towards him, “Why don’t you leave, okay? I didn’t ask for your company tonight and now that you’re here, I sure as hell don’t want it.”

Hux was silent for a long moment and his blue eyes scrutinized your face a long moment before he was looking down, glancing over your worn clothes and dirty boots, “Don’t you own anything that isn’t bloodstained?”

Your lip curled in a sneer, “Fuck off, Hux.”

You strode from the alleyway and the redheaded man, your drink long forgotten as you stormed down the street, your gun held tightly in your fists as you willed the burning of tears away from your eyes.

Regardless of what he said, you would show him.

You hastily saddled Lucio and yanked yourself up onto his back, the dark nightmare of the horse snorting noisily and stomping as if he could feel your anger and rage.

And when you went thundering through the town on your stallion, your rifle slung over your shoulder, you caught Hux’s eye still in the alley where you had left him and only now he was joined by his companion Mitaka.

He did not look as smug as you thought he would have been. Instead, his brow was furrowed softly as you fled into the night.

And when you returned to the village a few hours later, you dismounted your horse and all those still at the festival were silent, all eyes on you as you untied the mound of monsters you had been dragging behind Lucio.

You were drenched head to toe in gore from the kills you made that night, your hair stringy and saturated with blood, your face was also stained and splattered with both red and black life force.

Your clothes truly were blood stained but this was the largest set of kills you had brought in in awhile.

You didn’t care who saw or stared. You just wanted their fear.

Again, you found Hux among the crowd, his brow still furrowed with some emotion you didn’t recognize as you began to drag the corpses back through down, your eyes dark and seemingly dilated with blood lust, your features steely as you worked your way through the crowd towards the Guild building.

Two days later, you were saddling up Lucio to disappear off into the woods once more when there was soft knock on the door of your barn.

“What do you want?” You called as you stood up from adjusting the straps, your hand wiping your sweaty brow as you peered out into the barn, only to find the dark haired northerner from before, Dopheld. “Mitaka, what are you doing here? What has Krennic contracted me for now?”

The young hunter flushed a moment, his eyes dropping to the barn floor, “Um, well, Miss Y/N, actually, I myself was just contracted to deliver this package to you.”

From behind his back, Dopheld produced a package wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine; tucked beneath the neat knot in the center of the package was a bright yellow daisy.

You took it when he extended it to you, a frown on your face, “Who’s this from?”

“I’m… I’m not allowed to tell you.”

You narrowed your eyes. You already knew.

“What’s it for?”

“To show you appreciation for all that you’ve done and will do for the village. It’s… Well, it’s not much on such short notice but it should get the point across.”

For a moment, you glowered at him before nodding his head and the man was licking his lips, nodding in return, and then scurrying off.

Curious, you picked up the daisy and held the stem in your mouth while you pulled on the string hold it all together. You allowed the twine to fall to the floor and when you pushed back the paper, you sighed heavily and touched the fabric, your jaw clenching as you lifted your head and looked out the open barn door, your eyes hard.

You would fucking show him, the bastard.

You tried not to act self-conscious as you strode through the town square where the party was in full swing, your rifle still slung over your shoulder as you made your way to your post, your head held high.

You’d spent all day preparing for tonight, your wild tresses tamed back into a twist back from your face and the daisy wedged into the tie at the back of your head despite the fact that it didn’t match the dress.

The thing wasn’t absolutely horrid, you were disappointed to admit.

It was a deep maroon color with a rounded neck that left your neck and collarbones exposed to the cooler night air, the waist of the fabric gathered in slightly. The uneven, petal like hem of the skirt also didn’t fall all the way to your ankles but instead settled a few inches just passed your knees, leaving your now cleaned and polished boots visible.

You could feel numerous sets of eyes upon you as you made your way through the village yet you tried your damned to ignore them and instead continued forward.

It was also highly known throughout the town that you were unmarried and never had been so you could almost feel the younger lads sniffing at your trail.

Your reputation as a hunter and an ill-tempered woman should be enough to keep them away. You hoped.

Still, you nearly snarled when you reached your post and found that Hux was leaning against the wall of the house where you had been two nights before. And when he saw you, he smirked, his eyes simmering low with a triumphant glimmer.

Tonight, he was wearing a pale yellow waistcoat, a white shirt beneath it, and the same bright red ascot.

“I hate you,” you snarled at him, shrugging your gun from your shoulder as if you were going to shoot him.

Instead, the redheaded man just stepped forward, still smirking, and grabbed the barrel of your rifle and yanked it from your grasp. Not that you were holding on that tightly or anything.

“I know. The feeling is mutual. However… would you care to dance?” He then bent low at the waist and raised his hand in offering.

You crossed your arms over your chest and glared down at him, “No.”

You lifted his head and smirked at you, his eyes seeming to glow in the light of the fire, “Well, that’s too bad.” He quickly reached out and grabbed your hand from where you had it hidden beneath your arm and you growled as he pulled you along.

He herded you toward where the rest of the townspeople were already dancing around one of the roaring bonfires, his hand settling on your waist while the other took hold of your hand.

You were grumbling the whole time, complaining as Hux tried vainly to get you to move to the music being played by the few hunters and women who happened to play instruments and were chosen to play for the event.

“Why are you doing this?” You asked him as he spun you around the other couples dancing to the tune, the song they were playing old and yet known to nearly all those across the continent.

“Because it brings me much joy to see you suffer this torture,” he admitted and your lip curled up slightly when he shot you a smirk as he dipped you low suddenly, catching you off guard so you had to hold onto him, your arms circling around his neck.

And when he lifted you again in his surprisingly strong arms, his body lean yet powerful, you remained close for a moment, his arms curling your waist. And yet you didn’t try to move away from him, your eyes on his.

“Does it really?” You asked breathlessly.

“Maybe... Maybe not as much as you would think,” his own accented voice is surprisingly soft and low, his warm breath fanning over your face. “I must admit, though, you look very nice. The dress fits you well.” You can’t help yourself when you flush, “Not to mention it’s already red so you can’t stain it anymore than your other clothes.”

You can’t help it when a soft huff of a laugh escapes you, “I suppose so.”

“Mitaka said earlier that you were less than pleased when he delivered it.”

“Well, the last thing you asked me before I left was if I had any clothes that weren’t blood stained. And this was after you talked about my family.”

“And I should apologize for that. It’s not very becoming of me to dredge up your past before you are ready to speak about it,” his eyes searched off into the darkness a moment, his irises illuminated by the fire. “And I suppose that I should apologize for the dress as well. I only wished for you to have something nice. For you to take some time for yourself. You are always... gone.”

Again, you felt your face warm, “Well, it is very kind of you. And I like working, I like being busy. It leaves me less time to... to think about things that I rather wouldn’t think about. And I don’t need nice things. If I wanted them, I could certainly afford them.”

You pulled your arms from his neck then, your fingers accidentally brushing his soft ginger hair as you stepped back. He let you go, his own fingers trailing along your sides as you moved.

He folded his own hands behind his back, “Ah, I see. So, you just enjoy living a simplistic life, then? I can respect that... Would you care for a drink?” He offered you his arm suddenly and you flushed once more and smiled, shaking your head slightly. Nonetheless, you took his arm and he led you towards where they were serving ale.

“You may think you are being sly and coy, Mr. Hux but I do not need your sympathy even though you are trying to place it upon me once more. And I don’t need it.” You spoke softly under your breath as you took the mug of ale he offered to you.

His eyes flickered to you and there was something other than iciness that you saw there, “I don’t often give it so freely so you should except it while you can. What happened... it is unfortunate. Unfair. First your brother... and than your father and mother.”

“Life is unfair, sir. Myself and my skills are just a bi-product of that. The village should be thankful that what happened, happened. As I said before, I wouldn’t be the same if it had happened any other way.”

You turned to go but Hux grabbed hold of your arm suddenly so he could whip you back around. He leaned in and rested his cheek against your own, the action catching you off guard so you froze.

“You will take my sympathy. You will accept it and you will stop telling me to keep it. I chose where I place it. And I choose where I place my respect and it’s unfortunate that you’ve garnered that as well as both a hunter and a man. Now, you need to learn to start accepting kindness. There are few others in this world that deserve it more than you.” He was drawing back and kissing you on the cheek suddenly, his lips lingering a moment, “Have a good evening, Miss Y/N. And please, by all means, enjoy yourself.”

He was leaving then, the warmth of his body suddenly gone as he strode across the courtyard, off to who knows where.

Still, for a moment after he disappeared into the Guild building in the center of the town, you remained frozen, your hand slowly lifting to touch your cheek, the sensation of his featherlight kiss upon your flesh still lingering.

Armitage Hux, ever the bane of your existence. Always the beautiful enigma now in your life.

Over the course of the next few months, you interacted with the redheaded hunter off and on. You typically went about your days only seeing glimpses of him. He seemed to be busy himself, teaching his men about the Glade, visiting Miss Kalliope for goods and charms.

There seemed to be a mutual understanding shared between the two of you now. You were civil when in each other’s company. You didn’t undermine each other... most of the time.

Hux still held onto his old world beliefs of treating a lady differently from a man. And that still pissed you off to no end but you tended to deal with that on a daily basis so you were already used to it.

Still, there were times where you could talk, were you could joke if you happened to be in the market on the same day, procuring the same goods. There was a running tradition between the two of you that if you were both out buying bullets, you would buy the other their stock because you forgot your money one day while shopping.

This new sort of companionship built on respect was easy and light. Teasing, more than anything. You sometimes went on joint hunts together but it was never more than that; never more than sharing a meal and a pint of ale afterwards.

And then summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter.  And you were on Minerva’s back, her hooves crunching through the snow as you pulled your were fur tighter around your neck as you passed through town.  

You were going after a wunderbeast, the bastard having become infamous for looting the town of nearly all its chickens. And it was the middle of winter and the town needed as many chickens as it could have.

Just then, Hux stepped out of the Guild lodge, his hair a shock of bright red against the snow. You offered him a nod of your head as Minerva lazily plodded along.

“Going out already? After the snow has barely settled?”

“If I’m to get the wunderbeast first, then yes. If we want to gave eggs through the winter, then yes,” you teased slightly, only pausing a moment to stop.

Hux walked up to you and patted Minerva on the neck, ruffling his hand through her thick hair.

He was wearing a warm, lambskin coat and tanned, leather gloves to protect his fingers from the harsh weather. He wore the same red ascot around his neck once more, the sight so familiar to you now that when he wasn’t wearing it, you were startled.

“You going to be okay to go on your own? Hypothermia exists, you know,” he smirked softly, something glinting in his blue eyes.

“I’ve spent many winters out in the Glade. I think I can handle myself perfectly well.”

“And there I will cease to argue,” he pats your boot as it peeks through the ring of the stirrup, “But, I don’t want to have to lead a search party out to find you...” His brow furrowed for a fraction of a moment, “Be careful.”

“I always am, Hux,” you nod at him and he steps back with a nod of his own to give Minvera space to walk. “I shouldn’t be long today. The tracks in the snow should be easy enough to follow.”

“You’ll be home for supper then?” He joked and you smiled and shook your head.

“I can’t promise anything.” You called over your shoulder as you distanced yourself from him, moving on.

“Very well. Good luck. And don’t miss!”  

This caused a bark of laughter to erupt from you, “Yeah, you can just sod off! And you know I never do.”

If only you had taken Hux with you. If only you hadn’t gone alone. If only you had followed your own advice, the same advice you had given Hux months prior. The same advice you had taken away from your father’s death.

If only you hadn’t stopped to help someone who was alone and had strayed from the path.

Because you did far more than look or talk to them. To him.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

2021 Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 26 Prompt: Self Care

I have already explained a bit about my self care techniques in another post so this one I will post the importance of self care. Self care is one of the most important aspects of having a chronic illness, especially once you reach the point that the symptoms are disabling. Ignoring symptoms and pushing on once your body says it's done very quickly deteriorates your conditions further. This is something you have to be very conscientious of especially in the beginning when you are reaching that point where you can no longer work.

I did this. I knew I was very sick but had no diagnosis and every doctor I saw said nothing was wrong with me so I would try to brainwash myself into believing this too. It got to where I was drinking 8 crystal light energy drinks just to get through a 10 hour work day and in bed every second that I wasn’t at work. I was putting everything I had into just making it through a work day and still so sick I would have arguments going on in my head telling myself “I can't make it and I have to go home, I just can't do it” and then trying to override that with more thoughts saying “I’ve got this There's only four more hours, four more, that's not that bad, I've already worked six hours, I’m over half way, I can do this” It was a constant argument sitting there in agonizing pain where I would literally get the stress sweats because I was in so much pain that my deodorant would quit working. I remember being so scared I would fall asleep at my desk I would have nightmares about falling asleep at my desk. On breaks I was just so tired that I couldn't even handle going to the break room to eat. I just didn't have the energy to socialize so I would hide out on my breaks away from people yet at the same time I was afraid I would fall asleep on these breaks, even eating.

Eventually I started losing the ability to walk and my walking got so bad I couldn't make it to the break room and back in the allotted time for lunch let alone microwave my food and eat so ended up just eating at my desk, too weak to move and falling even just in the five feet to the printer. Things got really scary before I was pulled out. They had to call the squad on me more and more often whether it be passing out or having a seizure, I was going downhill and going downhill fast. I remember one time They called the squad on me because of my heart issues. I came back two days later and someone blew that place up with rumors that I had died. I had so many people walking up to me shocked saying that someone or another told them I died. I eventually found who started the rumor and honestly wasn’t very happy about it and his need for attention over my expense, especially when I had been so sick for so long I was literally scared every day that I really would die. Even when my doctor told me I can't go back I refused to leave my job.

He literally had to sit down and say look, “I know this is a pretty visual but let's say you and a co worker go to the trash compactor to throw away some boxes and while your both throwing them away, you fall into them, knocking them into the trash compactor and they are crushed and die. I would have no choice but to testify against you in court, telling them that I told you that you were no longer fit to work and you went against my advice. You could go to jail for murder” I told him I do a desk job anyway so he could just put me on restrictions and tell them I’m not allowed to throw away any trash. He told me it didn't matter because at the rate I am passing out, I’m a legal risk to a job. I could hit my head on a desk or anything. I was so sick at the time the whole right side of my face was drooping like I had a stroke on top of everything else but he flat out said, I’m not going back to this job or any job.

When I was first disabled this is when I realized how sick I was. He and my neurologist did a bunch of tests and found out by pushing myself WAY harder than my body could handle I had put myself into pure autonomic nervous system failure, congestive heart failure and kidney failure. I just ignored and neglected what my body was telling me so badly that it just started shutting down. Upon leaving I was sleeping 20 plus hours a day for almost a year. I am no longer suffering from congestive heart failure and kidney failure anymore but I have to be very careful and learn what my limits are. I hate having limits, I hate to stop but I now understand the importance of self care and listening to my body. I understand just how vital and important this can be for someone with a chronic illness.