#alloallo queer ones even more so at least in my area

[pega-chan]

past relationship trauma makes me unintentionally feel wary and uneasy about conventionally attractive people (specifically women) even though i myself am a conventionally attractive afab person

[ihateliterature]

recently I made a post about an aromantic experience I had as a kid and I mentioned in the tags how I'm in a QPR and I woke up with someone going off on me about it with the all usual rethoric "there is nothing queer about your experience" and "you are not special for having a friend" and I think that this kind of mentality says more about the narrow image of human relationships that we are presented with since childhood than about the apparent absurdity and the "need to be special" of my experiences

first of all I want to be clear that my experience, namely going through complicated conundrums to excuse and diffuse uncomfortable questions relating to my love life, is definitely a common queer experience. I've met numerous queer people, especially other aspec people, who did the same thing as children. And it was definitely something that I was mocked, ridiculed and treated like I was crazy for. I went through a lot of bullying in middle school and my unwillingness to date was one of the main things I was targeted for and I've bonded with many fellow queer people over these experinces

now what I came here for, queerplatonic relationships

no, I'm not special for being in a qpr because queerplatonic relationships are pretty common

I choose to interpret the meaning of "queerplatonic relationship" as an "odd" or "weird" relationship that does not cleanly fit into the already existing categorisation of relationships as it is understood societally

taking this definition into account, there are actually many relationships that fit that description even if the people in them don't choose to define it like that

what I think is the problem here, and the sentiment that drove that person to be so "triggered" by my relationship, is that we are taught since childhood that there are only three types of meaningful relationships: romantic, familial and platonic, and that all the people we are ever going to meet in life will fit cleanly into one of these categories or they will ultimately be meaningless to us

now aspecs, especially arospecs but also aplatonic people, through the fact that they have a complicated relationship and understanding of at least one of these 3 concepts caused by personal experiences and the lack of at least one type of attraction, are more likely to see that this concept is wrong. just like any other aspects of the human experience, relationships can't be boxed in three easy categories like that, because our feelings are inherently more complex than that

what is for one person romantic attraction is platonic attraction to another, what is platonic love for one person is familial attachment to another, some people see romantic and platonic attachment as inherently tied to familial attachment while others see them as completely separate

and that is only the tip of the iceberg. I am not saying that this categories are wrong and should be forgotten, but what I am saying is that they are insufficient to describe the type of relationships humans can have

aspecs have noticed this a long time ago and have created terms to describe other types of relationships, the most popular of them being queerplatonic, alterous being another well known one, while others have adopted the already existing concept of romantic friendships

my guess is that the reason why many allos (as in alloallos but I've also seen some aspecs disregarding qpr's) are so aggressive to the idea of alternative relationships is that this delimitation (romantic, platonic and familial) is held as holy in society and they are not yet ready to accept that these 3 categories might be insufficient, or that there could be a gray area between the three, and seeing people actively embrace this diversity and complexity feels like an attack to their own personal relationships

it's not that their own relationships can perfectly and cleanly fit into the existing boxes (I would argue that they often don't), but these irregularities can only rarely be acknowledged and only in specific circumstances (a best friend being like a sibling or a lover also being a best friend). even when they are acknowledged they are not digging into the idea that these relationships could ever be that much different from what society told them they are

to circle back to the beginning, no, my qpr is not unique, actually I would argue that you also have a qpr in your life, a complicated relationship that you don't know how to identify

also, I would say that my very specific situation of an acearo non-binary man dating a cisgender asexual lesbian is pretty much as queer as they come and so queerplatonic is the best descriptor. is it friendship, is it romantic? idk and honestly idc, we are happy in our ambiguity

exploring the complexities of human relationships without giving a care to existing labels and societal normal was honestly really freeing and got me one of the most meaningful relationships of my entire life