#allll night. and i told myself if we were in the same situation again i would make a move

[lagunaseca2013]

🧃, 🕯️, and 🍓 if you feel like answering any or all of them!

hiiii echo <3 thanks for the ask!! truths/dares here!

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

oh my god. the answer to this is so embarrassing but also kind of classic, i think? i started out on wattpad around age ten or eleven maybe?? i was reading mostly one direction/5sos/O2L (please lmao) het oc fic or like actual self insert and i……..started having all these ideas, yanno? i also liked having a made up name and life (i vividly remember pretending to be 22 which is fuckjng wild bc hello. that’s how old i am RIGHT NOW) and making friends etc. my most successful wattpad fic was a luke hemmings x oc multchaptered fic w like….idk 15k reads?? idk if wattpad still works like that it’s been a loooong time. i’m pretty sure it’s still up tho lmaoo

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

i hate editing and i’m soooo bad at it lmao. like a 3 maybe?? i’m more of an edit as i go kind of person or like. well to tell u the truth my writing process is kind of insane and makes no sense like a lot of the time ideas come to me as literal fully formed sentences. idk if that makes sense but it’s my truth….editing usually is for like typos and if i switched tenses etc. i very rarely change content

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

i, like many others, dated the worst person possibly ever when i was 19, and made the mistake of integrating them fully into my friend group at the time. we had a messy break up and went no contact even tho i desperately wanted to stay friends. i kept sort of breaking no contact bc they kept POSTING ABOUT ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA. until it finally escalated when they tweeted something that was clearly about me and i thought it was HILARIOUS so i liked and retweeted! they immediately sent me a cease and desist paragraph which i responded to w my own list of grievances (including. i have to laugh. the fact that they had been MISGENDERING ME to everyone we knew). they apologized and then asked to meet up to talk it out. we sort of talked it out which means they told me about all the people they were hooking up w and i got my feelings hurt. then we both vaguely alluded to waiting for each other?? as in like, we would someday get back together (never do this) and went our separate ways. fast forward two years later, they had dated this girl for like a year and a half but had broken up w her a few months back. i hadn’t dated anyone but had hit an unfortunate slutty phase. i bumped into them at a coffee shop on valentine’s day. they asked me to talk. we went to the same spot we had had our previous conversation years before and they proceeded to tell me that they were still in love with me, they thought about me everyday since we broke up (again, they dated a girl for a year and half in the interim) and they wanted to get back together. with the clarity of mind that i did not have at 19, i did not in fact say yes. in a turn of events that was completely random and also kind of awesome, i ended up going to a party w his ex girlfriend that same night. here’s the punchline: we only dated for five months. lmao.

[soclonely]

Why do you like Jar Jar so much, if its ok to ask! I see so much hate for him and I am sort of indifferent about him myself.

I've touched base on it a little before but don't mind getting into it again! AND ITS TOTALLY OK TO ASK!! I love talking 🥺🥺

Okay so I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma outside of OKC. Like, the only thing that matters to most people there is OU Football (BOOMER SOONER), when the next tornado season is going to start (we lost two home to two of the biggest ones in the states history when I was growing up), and the kids sports. ALLLL the kids stuff. See, I played softball and cheered and all that junk. I think I was about 8-9 when this happened- still in elementary for sure- but I thought it would be okay to share my love of star wars (as big then as it is now) with some of my friends that came over after one of our many games. WELL I thought it went okay, until I went to school the next day and a lot of my little girlfriends decided to make fun of me about it, calling me a boy and weird and just terrible things. Hearing then make fun of something that me and my entire family loved really, really hurt me and so it was a bit of a struggle for a few days there. I was already going through enough at a young age so the added new discovery of friends being big assholes to a young girl just blows my mind. Well see, what these girls didn't bank on was me telling my mother, a very direct woman who takes no shit when it comes to their kids, and her going directly to the parents at our practice one day and asking them you know "wtf can we do about this situation to make it not a big deal.", with my passive dad in tow.

And I get and totally support some of the arguments these other moms said like "well kids dont have to like the same things!" and all that. But there is a fine line between not enjoying the same books and shows, and sending a little girl home crying everyday because you can't stop picking on her about it. And my mom said that multiple times, BUT as a lot of you could guess it made no difference. Eventually mom just gave up, told me to stay away from the little brats right in front of their parents, and we went home.

And now onto the Binkster love. I remember sitting with my dad later that night. And as I have said and shown a few people before, my dad is basically the living embodiment of Tech: little hyperfixated nerd man who gets awkward but caring. We were just watching the Phantom Menace together, and he always does the gungan voices to make us laugh. And it was just really nice to have that. And we talked about how JarJar was this weirdo outcast, even to the gungans, but he ended up being a very important part of the trilogy and to anakin and padme and a great friend. Despite some(most of the fandom) people not liking him, he's still there. And through all the scoffing he gets from Obi Wan, Qui-Gon, and basically everyone else in the galaxy, he still did what he could for his friends and never cared about the rude people he encountered. Anyway... cheesy and lame but that memory of being with my usually awkward and silent dad became one of the most important things to develop me as the person I am today. Thus, making JarJar important and a lifelong love was formed!

And for those of you wondering what happened to the mean and rude girls I was friends with, possibly hoping they ended up miserarble and sad. Nope! All 6 of us (known as the 6 pack(derogatory/affectionately) by teachers) grew up together, finished school, and had a a lot of ups and downs as friends. We all realized slowly that some of us like certain things while others don't, and thats okay! The girl who initially initiated the bullying actually came to visit me 2 years ago here in Orlando and the best time we had was going to HS to show her Galaxy's Edge

I genuinely just never, ever will make fun of something another person likes. Even if its not my own personal cup of tea. Why waste the energy? Im gonna siit here with my cup full of Gungan Swampwater and be happy!

[multific]

Unusual Relationship

Michael Langdon x Xavier Plympton x Reader

Genre: Fluff, mention of angst

Words: 1200

Summary: What would you do if two of the most gorgeous men want to date you?

“Excuse me?” you asked watching the two males sitting in front of you, only a table separating the two from you.

“Well, since you couldn’t decide which one of us you’d like to date, we decided to share you.” explained Michael once more. Xavier nodding by him the whole time.

“Hold on. You two decided so share ME? The fact that you are talking about me like I was some kind of toy is not my concern now, I’m more worried about the fact that you two, the most jealous, defensive and possessive people I know, came to a conclusion?”

“We do not talk about you like you are a toy. You are our everything. I have been in love with you since I saw you on campus and Michael’s the same. Give us a chance. We stopped out fights and came to this conclusion.” said Xavier. But you still weren’t convinced.

“And you think that polygamy is the way to success?”

“Yes.” both of them said at the same time.

You thought about the past few months, you met the two on campus when you were lost. Xavier came up to you first and helped you, and you met Michael on the class that you were late to. Both of them were interested in you and started flirting with you. You didn’t like to play with others’ feelings so you decided to tell both of them about the other. But instead, it created war. Both men tried to whoo you. At first, you liked the attention you got. Then it became worse and worse. They had fights and the last yelling ended with a fistfight. You told them you never want to see them again and that this wasn’t healthy so you left them alone ever since.

It was surprising to get a call from Michael that he and Xavier wants to meet you.

You were beyond surprised by their idea of starting a polygamous relationship. But at least they looked like they were on good terms.

“And no more fighting? No more yelling about who has the bigger dick? No more taking you two to the hospital to get wounds treated?”

“We promise, Y/N. If you are willing to try, so are we.” said Michael as he reached over and held your hand, Xavier did the same with your other hand.

“We’ll behave. And it’s obvious that I’m bigger than him, so there’s no point in fighting anymore.”

Michael let out a sigh and you watched the two.

“Okay. I’ll give this a chance.”

***

Five months later, you were so glad you accepted their idea and started a relationship with the two guys.

As it turned out, Xavier was a magnificent lover who was more like cuddlier while Michael was the colder one, but he loved you just as much as Xavier did.

And you also ended one of their fights with the discovery of the fact that they had pretty much the same size.

They were both affectionate, Michael often got you flowers, while Xavier brought you chocolate. Since you lived alone, they often spent time at your place. Your activities varied from cooking/baking together to watch movies all the way to having mind-blowing sex anywhere in the house.

You were glad to see that they got along very well. You’d go as far as to say that they loved each other, just not the same way they loved you. Your relationship was everything one could wish for. You got to see both of their sweet and cool sides. While you were on dates, or when you walked around campus, people often stared, judged your way of life. To them, your relationship was weird and unnatural, but you couldn’t care less. You were in love with both men, and you intended keeping both for yourself.

Michael even came up with the plan of living together once you all graduate and start working, since your apartment might be big enough for you to stay at, but your bed way definitely small for three people.

One weekend Michael had to go home to his family, which left Xavier and you at your place, watching a horror movie while eating a lot of popcorn.

You honestly enjoyed it very much, but you had to admit that the absence of Michael was evident and you missed him very much.

Xavier seemed to notice that, so he pulled his phone out and video called Michael.

“Aww, you miss me, My Love?” Michael asked as Xavier explained the situation. You were cuddles to the blonde’s chest while you held his phone to speak with Michael. Xavier was rather interested in the movie, so he focused on that afterward.

“I do! I’m so used to having both of you here. It’s like one of my side is warm while the other is not. How will I sleep??? It will be so weird!”

“Oh, Love. I miss you too! At least you have someone to sleep with, and no, the family dog is not an option.”

“When will you come home?”

Home. Michael’s heart started beating faster as you said that. He truly saw you his home and now that you said it, it gave him warmth.

“Sunday. I’ll be back home on Sunday afternoon.” he couldn’t help the large smile on his face.

Xavier finally looked at the screen.

“Good. I don’t think I can listen to hear moaning about how much she misses you. And you left like what, six hours ago? It’s like I’m not enough!”

“Don’t say that, Xav! You know I love both of you equally,” you said slightly slapping his chest as he laughed, you knew he didn’t mean what he said. He was just teasing you.

“And we love you too.” Michael said as he couldn’t do anything else but to watch his lovers kiss on the screen.

“Don’t worry, Mickey, I will take good care of her tonight. And tomorrow morning, and after breakfast and before lunch and after lu-“

“Okay, that’s enough. You should go to sleep Mickey, you drove a lot. We’ll call you tomorrow! Good night!” you interrupted Xavier then offered a smile to Michael and he smiled back.

“Good night, My Loves.” Michael said. Xavier placed a kiss to your cheek as he said his goodbye.

“Okay, to the bedroom we go!” said Xavier as he picked you up after he placed his phone down. “I will have you for myself allll night long.” you could hear the smirk in his voice.

Sure, Xavier still made some comments here and there, but you could tell by the way he smiled, he was happy. And so were you.

You were happy to have two lovers even if it was an unusual relationship, you wouldn’t give it up for nothing.

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[liebesyhhra]

rahmah

Bismillaah

This post is inspired by my friend, A, who attended the camp in this post with me. Thank you always for your patience and kindness while being in my company, and the company of others. May Allah Bless you always <3</p>

dear A, 

i still remember feeling soo fatigued and lazy on that friday morning and i regretted signing up to go for the camp. when we met you told me the same but after getting through the weekend i’m glad we both made it. 

here’s the poster

the camp mainly centered around the theme rahmah, or mercy, in line with this year’s (every year’s???) ramadhan theme ‘rahmah begins with me’. there were three main components; talkshow on rahmah, social experiment and team building activities. apart from those there was also qiyam, morning tazkirah and kurma sessions. 

1. talkshow  

the talkshow was titled ‘selfie vs wefie: rahmah’. the use of selfe vs wefie is to enjoin us youths to engage in acts of kindness together, and not merely as individuals. blessing is in togetherness after allll. i loved the talkshow moderated by ustaz saifuddin and panelled by ustaz izhar and ustaz faritz. insyaAllah i will share some of the beneficial pointers i’ve gained!

1) what is rahmah? 

the root word of rahmah is found in two arabic words: rahima and rahim

the verb rahima means to have compassion and mercy

the noun rahim, as in silaturrahim, means womb. thus silaturrahim means familial ties, bonded by the womb.

therefore rahmah means mercy, kindness and humanity

2) who gives rahmah?

ultimately, Allah ar-rahman ar-rahim (Most Merciful, Most Kind) is the giver of rahmah. and although we can never compare to the magnitude of His mercy, we should try to emulate this blessed quality and shower it upon fellow human beings, animals and the environment. every act counts, no matter how small you view it. an act of kindness goes a looong way! recently with the rising awareness of saving the ecosystem, the call to eradicate the use of plastic have been very popular. switching to reusable utensils instead of using one-time use plastic utensils may be a good start! we might just save a turtle <3 </p>

3) everyone has a part!

i have been quite hard on myself whenever i vow to do something good for the world, but never being as good as *person A* or *person B* or anyone i come across doing something significant and positive for the world. haha remember the inferior complex? ya i guess looking at people doing so much more than i could ever imagine myself doing totally wiped out my own initiatives to put in any effort. which doesn’t do anything for anybody! 

so it was such a timely and consoling reminder when ustaz shared that everyone of us have different capacities of spreading rahmah, and that is ok. because Allah created us all different, with different strengths and weaknesses so that we can complement one another. i might be better in maths and my friend might be better at expressing ideas, together we could help each other out in our own ways :) i remind myself and i hope everyone too will not compare the degree of our efforts to spread rahmah. furthermore being kind is not an individual effort and it’s not something mutually exclusive. collectively, all our efforts would surely bring lots of amazing positive changes and ultimately a continuously better world for all. everyone has a part in being kind, and everyone plays a part in being kind. so never compare, and focus on giving our best! 

Allah has stated in surah az zukhruf ayat 32

أَهُمْ يَقْسِمُونَ رَحْمَتَ رَبِّكَ ۚ نَحْنُ قَسَمْنَا بَيْنَهُم مَّعِيشَتَهُمْ فِي الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا ۚ وَرَفَعْنَا بَعْضَهُمْ فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ دَرَجَاتٍ لِّيَتَّخِذَ بَعْضُهُم بَعْضًا سُخْرِيًّا ۗ وَرَحْمَتُ رَبِّكَ خَيْرٌ مِّمَّا يَجْمَعُونَ - 43:32

Do they distribute the mercy of your Lord? It is We who have apportioned among them their livelihood in the life of this world and have raised some of them above others in degrees [of rank] that they may make use of one another for service. But the mercy of your Lord is better than whatever they accumulate.

so that we may help one another, and be kind to one another. really the differences that bind us. 

ustaz also mentioned that muslims aren’t people who merely go with the flow of situations. we are capable of making decisions and taking action. and it is our responsibility to make choices that are wise and in Allah’s favour. choose kind always! we have the power to change situations.

may Allah grant us the patience, ability and strength to always be kind to all that surrounds us! 

4) humanity

it is the quality of being human. towards ourselves first and foremost, then towards fellow human beings and other creatures. 

one thing that hit me hard was this statement: if we are good to others but not good to ourselves, we wont last in the long run. sometimes i gungho action wanna be all selfless putting others 100% before myself, but time and again people have reminded me not to forgo my own needs. selflessness i guess has its limits. self-care is crucial, because as cliche as it sounds, how can i give my best to others when i am not at my best? perhaps i could, but then again in the long run i’d burn out. i believe fulfilling our own needs is important so we may function optimally, and in turn be at optimal service to others. we are not striving to be candles, burning ourselves and fading away to give light. we aim to be like the sun, giving light while still shining bright insyaAllah. 

5) empathy 

rahmah begins with the heart!!! let’s strive to spread impactful rahmah, so the world may go round and round with kindness!

since it stems from heart, the sincere intention to spread kindness and be kind should also be planted in the heart. may we always sustain this intention and act upon it. 

6) some examples of rahmah  

spreading rahmah or kindness is lyfeee and there are so so many ways to do it. any act has the potential of making the world a better place for somebody, even if that somebody is ourselves. here are some examples:

raising awareness on pertinent issues

having humility in leadership

seeking guidance 

engaging in volunteer and humanitarian work

ustaz izhar shared that he started an instagram page @abandonedsharedbikes to let relevant shared bike companies know of the locations of....abandoned shared bikes. ofo/obike/mobike vigilante like that, so they can take it away. this also was in line with his principle of do something for nothing. 

he also shared that a way to spread kindness is by first, finding a cause to do so. it might be youths, eldercare, ecosystem, refugees or food wastage. find something that is close to your heart. from there, the least someone can do is to genuinely care, and then raise public awareness.

i’d love to listen to what the people around me are passionate about, and i’d love to know yours too, A :)) i also believe these causes may be personal! i will roll the ball and share the causes that are close to my heart and which i am passionate to learn more about and be of service to; youths, mental health and equality. haha in macro das quite sumting to put on my plate but i promise i will start small and hopefully work my way up. in my best capacity. insyaAllah!!! 

7) Allah’s rahmah in ramadan!!! 

there are 3 things that are testament to His abundance of rahmah towards His servants in this blessed month:

multi-fold rewards for worship

Allah’s forgiveness

lailatul qadr

granted, fatigue and lethargy is extraaaa due to lack of food and water intake. however Allah has promised the incentives of multi-fold rewards of worship and doing good in spite of the lack of energy! i feel so loveeed and appreciated :’) i hope we take this opportunity to be steadfast in performing good deeds. there is probably no better time! alhamdulillah plenty opportunities are within arm’s length. saying bismillah while unlocking our phone (thank you H for this!), volunteering with various organisations, qiyam organised by mosques and so so many more. anywhere and anytime is an opportunity to do good and spread kindness. at the same time don’t feel pressured if you are not in the capacity to do as much as the people around you! our battles and hardships are relative and unique for ourselves, so don’t discredit the yourself for not doing ‘enough’! cannot do all does not mean cannot do none at all. Allah is asy Syakur, most appreciative and He always acknowledges your efforts. 

furthermore every act can be considered as an act of ibadah or worship, whether at work, in school or even making kuihs! by planting the right intentions, we can make ordinary tasks an act of goodness. maybe these daily tasks take up much of our time and by the time we are done with them, we don’t have much energy left to continue with the extra ibadahs we wish could do. seize the opportunity and make daily tasks and commitments as acts of ibadah :)

would like to share a hadith on rushing to do good (and not procrastinate it huaha ya Allah please ease our affairs)

عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه أن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم قال‏:�� ‏ "‏ بادروا بالأعمال فتناً كقطع الليل المظلم يصبح الرجل مؤمنا ويمسي كافراً ويمسي مؤمنا ويصبح كافراً، يبيع دينه بعرض من الدنيا‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه مسلم‏)‏‏)‏‏

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "Be prompt in doing good deeds (before you are overtaken) by turbulence which would be like a part of the dark night. A man would be a believer in the morning and turn to disbelief in the evening, or he would be a believer in the evening and turn disbeliever in the morning, and would sell his Faith for worldly goods." [Muslim]

fastabiqul khairaaaat!

that’s it for the talkshow i am so thankful for all the valuable and might i say holistic insight! the panelists are amazing masyaAllah. 

2. social experiment

one of the youths acted using crutches carrying loads of ntuc plastic around the neighbourhood’s shopping and transport complex. when anybody from the public came forward to help, the rest of the camp pax would surround him/her and do a mini flashmob reciting quotes on kindness, cheering and saluting the kinddd so kind person. i loved this so much because it was #humanityrestored and it felt so so heartwarming. there are still kind people, and this brings me hope. honestly if i saw someone in distress, would i have come forward to help? seeing people across the age spectrum coming forward to help our fellow youth actor was ughhhhhh so emotional and heartwarming. i hope i will do the same, maybe start with giving up my seat on the bus :))))))) my heart was so full, and i was never prouder of the citizens of my home country huehe. 

here are the quotes to motivate us to be kind!!!

an act of kindness goes a long way

we cant help everyone but everyone can help someone

the reward of goodness is nothing but goodness

humanity begins with me

3. everything else 

of course i’m not doing justice by compiling everything else into one and saying they were great!! haha alhamdulillah i had an amazing with the pax and my group members participating in teambuilding games, listening to beautiful reminders from beloved asatizah and performing the night prayers together. 

an interesting aspect of this camp was kurma (date) sessions (not the matchmaking kind...fortunately? unfortunately? :p) where anybody could come forward and gift a kurma to someone they’d like to express their appreciation towards. sis didn’t give or receive any extra kurma, but please know i appreciate each and every one of you! despite me nodding off every other hour (nat kidding it reached the point where i fell asleep during prayers ha....haa) and wanting to go back to sleep on my bed, i’m glad i stuck through till the end. i managed to gain so many amazing new insights and the social experiment we prepared for together was super memorable, i’d do it again even if it meant using up lots of energy. 

A, i haven’t the chance to properly thank you yet. thank you for patiently entertaining and sticking by this klingy friend of yours!! thank you for sharing this beautiful experience with me although we were both so tired, especially you being from work. you’ve always been so kind to me in your own ways and words, and i hope i will be able to return the same if not more towards you insyaAllah. i guess one of the most memorable moment we shared was the ‘reenactment’ of the story of prophet musa when he helped take water for two ladies hahahahaha (we were both waiting to take milo but a bunch of guys hogged the area when our dear guy fren offered to take water for us huaha dun weri reenactment insyaAllah wont until the part where prophet musa married one of the two ladies he helped take water for coughs hahahah) xD 

ultimately, the message i took home was to be kind. to myself, to people, and to God’s creatures; the living and non-living. may we all do our part to be kind and collectively make this world a better place, and work for the best home in the next world, amin! 

it’s a shared responsibility in this world that we share, lesdudis togedaaaaaaaaa. remembering the sun that gives and never expects anything in return, let’s also do good for nothing ;-) 

semoga Allah redha

lots of love,

<3

[epajournal]

March 15th, 2017

Howdy again,   Today went alright. I managed to get up at a “decent” time considering how late I stayed up. Mom ended up waking up this morning so once more, Ian got to sleep in all night. Asshole. When I got up, I tried on some of the pants from Fabletics-- The pair I put on were definitely tight, but, I could get into them with some shimmying and they’ll be perfect when I trim down a bit. One batch of the new underwear I got is great and very comfy, and they’re a vented mesh texture so they should be good for exercising in. The sports bras all seem to fit-- They’re not the most supportive thing on earth but for what I’m doing, shouldn’t be a problem. I may even end up sleeping in one or two of them nightly, I’m very concerned about supporting my breasts when I sleep...   Uhhh, let’s see. I told Mom to record her doctor visit and ask a list of specific questions so we wouldn’t be speculating anymore, but. While she actually did ask the questions, a fucking miracle, she goddamn Magoo’d the hell out of recording it. I swear, I don’t know how much of this is her lack of oxygen and mental illness, but that woman can be a real dumbass to a startling degree. But she did have answers, which I hope she relayed correctly. Basically, once she starts the oxygen, which her doctor thinks the nasal cannula WILL work for her even with her fucked-up schnozz, it’ll immensely reduce the chance she won’t be able to wake herself up if she has an apnea event. He couldn’t say it’s guaranteed, but made sure Mom knew that it was very safe to sleep without being monitored after she gets the machine working for her. In the next two weeks or so, she goes back to them for some check-up and to be sure that the CPAP is being used the best it can be. He also told her that we SHOULD be able to hear her having an apnea event, it won’t just be that she stops breathing but an obvious sputtering and choking as her body tries to unconsciously correct itself (or has a heart attack, fun)-- The danger in this being that her body is so low-oxygen and fatigued that it might not be able to wake up and have her consciously correct herself. Uhhh, what else... The CPAP machine has a bit of an alarm mechanism in it, so that’s good.   She’s very against the idea of me going to her appointments with her. It’s another one of those “I’m a grown-up!!” things-- When I suggested I go with her from now on, she was like “well then are you gonna’ let me go to your appointments?” And it’s like, Mom, those are... Such different things, are you kidding? And then it was the “I’m an adult, I’m a grown woman” spiel and the “I don’t want you to take over for me.” Even when I tried to tell her straight-up like, look, your health situation has been something I have to deal with and yet I never get to be involved in the actual process with doctors, I just hear it from you. And I want to be involved and get this moving in a productive motion and make sure we have all the answers we can, especially since you admitted you haven’t been remembering things very well lately. She’s such a fucking brat.   The moment she got home, she was like, oh I got you a brownie, oh look at this mug I got, yadda yadda, happy mood, and then suddenly she comes out like “are you gonna’ DO anything???” and I’m like, “--What?” Like she’s just suddenly lecturing me and I’m not even sure about what. “Well I don’t know if you’ve NOTICED, but Ian and I have been cleaning up ALLLL your mess lately,” which, honestly? I’ve been really bad. I think soon I’m gonna’ go to JapanTown or just a local Daiso and get some plates of my own and say I’m only allowed to eat off of those so I HAVE to wash them and they KNOW which messes are mine. If they don’t like that, too bad. But it hasn’t been terrible or anything. Anyway, then my mom is like... What was it... Oh, “You never help out with anything!” And Tom’s on Bluetooth with me, which my mom doesn’t realize, somehow she never remembers I could be on Bluetooth calls or takes cues that I was just talking to someone moments ago, and I hear Tom on the other end just groan like “Ohhhrghhrr,” because she knows. She knows how shitty this is. And how wrong that is.   But. Other than that interaction, nothing’s been terrible today. Avoided dairy pretty much all day and aside from a minor discomfort going on now, which is more like minor gas pains than actual cramps, my gut’s still doing way better. So for the time being, I’m gonna’ keep away from dairy and heavy fats, because I figure it’s one of those two. I’m kind of leaning towards heavy fats. But that’s fine, because there’s plenty I can eat instead, and it’s a good way for me to avoid getting a lot of heavy foods in my diet. It’ll be kind of like going on that cleanse, I guess.   Same rules apply today as they do to yesterday-- I’m  up ‘til 5:30 to keep an eye on her, then she either wakes up or my brother takes over and goes in the living room with her where she’ll sleep for a bit. Right now she’s actually asleep, which is good. She didn’t get much sleep at all last night, I think partially because the dog kept getting up and was irritated at sharing a bed with me and, especially, my lap desk in here as well. Brat dog. Bratwurst dog.   I’m hoping Potala Cafe has the meal I reaaaally want tomorrow-- Lentil soup and the veggies and stuff... Then I could... oh, well. Wait, because Casey’s going out on her walk tomorrow. Well, still. In that case, I hope they DON’T but they have it on Sunday, how about that. If not Friday. :| I think I had better leave the house tomorrow. It might be a good day to walk around Lake Temescal with the dog, since she’ll be a bit tuckered out from her walk and likely easier to handle. Then I could get exercise myself, get some sunlight in, and go get some more of the, uh... Prilosec?? I think, from Rite Aid. And maybe another sleep mask for my mom so I can keep a light on in her room. Her CPAP parts should be here tomorrow so she can use it that night, but. Until I know for sure that it’s working for her, I’m not gonna’ stop staying up.   My family thinks I’m overreacting. Do you know how many times they kept telling me it wasn’t a big deal? It’s no wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind all the time here-- I’m taking things as seriously as they should warrant me to. They’re the ones that are in denial or willful ignorance and normalizing everything to “EH, I’m sure it’s fine.” When a doctor tells you that you could die, you’re supposed to be vigilant and take it seriously, for Christ’s sake.   I keep thinking of like. In grade school, like, god, something like first grade, maybe??? Kindergarten? Maybe second... We had an in-class assignment where we had to write instructions for how to tell someone how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. So we wrote them, and our teacher took out the stuff to make one and followed them exactly, like to the point that if you said “open the jar,” she wouldn’t know how to open the jar unless you explained it. It drove me freaking nuts. I literally started to feel panicked and was desperate to claw my way in there to be the first to get all the details out in order so she would just make the fucking sandwich. Every chance to fuck up, she made it-- “Grab the knife” would be like. With what? My mouth? Do I take it by the blade? How do you spread jelly? It drove me nuts, like I can’t express how much I was frustrated with this then. And now, I just think of that when I think of trying to instruct my mom to do anything, and it’s why I’m so particular. But the catch is that if I don’t leave enough details, she fucks up. Like I can tell her I need cream cheese and she comes back and it’s strawberry-flavored when I needed it for a savory dish. Okay. But if I write too many details, she doesn’t read it. This is also a situation my last boss put me through coooooonstantly. And a large part of why I quit.