#all the villagers are women except for ronald the fletcher!

[altfire]

i literally cant help but rp in any game im literally thinking abt the lore of my current. modded minecraft world w my friends. god

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 3

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

GLOW 'The Story of the Glorious Ladies of Wrestling' *What they lack in testosterone they make up for in tenacity and triumph.* 3 stars

'Heavy Metal' *You don't have to be high on cat piss, like the southpark heavy metal homage, for this trip.* 3 stars

G.I. Joe 'Retaliation' *Joe Pros: Firefly portrayal, really badass toys/tech and actor. Cobra Commander, creepy even in a prison fishtank. Brief Storm Shadow vs. Snake Eyes faceoff (wish was longer). Red Ninjas. The Rock's tumbler tank & hover-boat-gun-boat. Bruce Willis' stash of high powered weapons littered throughout his suburban home (quite funny). Cobra Cons: All the pop culture references. RZA's acting. Moronic score/soundtrack. Roland Emmerich style large scale CGI destruction of a major city. Cliche'd walking away from an explosion while not looking back -scene.* 2 stars

"Second Glance" 1992 --Christian themed after school special-- *A Jason Segel look-a-like gets really pushy about his politeness and preachiness getting in the way of his puerile attempts at procuring poontang at a 1980s style high school where the people, and setting, are so awkward that it must be the town over from Napoleon Dynamite.* 2 1/2 stars

Russel Mulcahy's 'Tale of the Mummy' *When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, dirty toilet paper will CGI creep across the planet. Cursed with some of the flaws of other late 90s horror thrillers, this movie at least tries and is earnest in its attempt at an homage and modern updating of a classic genre. Moreso than Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' which was somewhat entertaining but chose to take the Universal Monster character and turn him into a showy villain in an action adventure movie.* 2 1/2 stars

Fox's "Gotham" Season 1 Episode 1 *I'm not a fan of shoehorning Renee Montoya into Jim & Barbara Gordon's relationship. Jada Pinkett Smith's character Fish Mooney looks to play too much of a major role in the show. I don't care about seeing a child version of Ivy or Catwoman looking like cosplay fan service early versions of both characters. Not liking the new character relationships, like mentioned above, and the inclusion of the Fish Mooney character's overbearing presence just might keep me from coming back to see what I do like most about the show, which is Bullock, Penguin, and Jim Gordon's personal quest to make things right with the Wayne homicide and corruption surrounding it.* 2 1/2 stars

Captain America: "The Winter Soldier" *A couple of old song and dance(s). Would you feel safer with guns pointed at everyone on the globe? Sometimes you have to say you don't know the people that you used to know.* 3 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Pacific Rim" *It's easy to believe a mad scientist would try to synch his brain with a giant lizard, from another dimension, when you've already seen the same actor eat the cheese from slum land rat-traps and digest catfood in a sleep experiment. Asian women driving cars is bad enough, let alone giving them the keys to a transformer. In this world, the weather channel is better than the WWE.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Thank God It's Friday, Again" *Wastin' Away In Margarita Village of the Damned Josefine Stalin Turnip Farm Rave Party*  2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: "White Light Fever" starring Bruce Davison *To hell with natural death. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the reaper gets the final jolt.*  3 stars

X Men: "Days of Future Past" *The Sentinels are realized, on film, in the scary and overwhelming manner they should be. And you can't go wrong with Peter Dinklage.* 3 stars

Transformers: "More Than Meets The Eye" (3 part 1984 debut) *Dear diary, Otimus Prime would make a neat president. 1984 presidential election-- Otimus Prime & Michael Jackson vs. Megatron & Ronald Regan*        3 stars

Fred Dekker & Stan Winston present "Monster Squad" *The only time you'll see Dracula dynamite a kids' clubhouse in order to make a statement.* 3 stars

SYFY & The Asylum present--- Z Nation: "Puppies & Kittens" *Captures the style of AMC's "The Walking Dead" closely except for the great storytelling and practical visual fx of Robert Kirkman & Greg Nicotero. That being said, it's debatable whether DJ Qualls as disc jokey of the z nation is more debonair than Daryl Dixon, the possum eating sex symbol of the world of "Walkers."--* 2 Stars

Charles Band presents "Ghost Town" *Going mad, on the lone prairie, chasing tumbleweeds. A role reversal High Plains Drifter.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents Larry Cohen's "It Lives Again" *The still grieving father, from the first film, leads a fringe group of citizens and scientists who fight the pro-life fight for the killer mutant babies because they believe the distubing infants could be the next step in human evolution. Yep, another misguided  organization, like PETA, this time with even more disastrous results.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Dream Cruise" *The Japanese tell a decent ghost story. This one involves treachery, trying to forget, and the curse of the dead at sea.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Choice" *Paige Fletcher, The Hitchhiker, hires a scanner nanny to look after his American Beauty  daughter who suffers the same condition. The nanny wants to abduct the daughter into a Lillith cult, while a G-man witchhunter searches for the cult, the little girl, and the nanny to experiment on them in a concentration camp.* 3 stars

"Without Warning" (1980) *You don't want to be stranded in the middle of B.F.E. stuck between batshit Martin Landau, batshit Jack Palance, and a shadowy Slender Man like alien with his flying leeches.* 3 stars

Thundarr: The Barbarian-- "Secret of the Black Pearl" *Nomads living in the ruins of Manhattan, after a great cataclysm, discover a power to fight against an evil two-faced sorcerer. They entrust it to a Conan, with a lightsaber, his musclebound Wookie, and a hot sorceress. The heroes use it to fight off Two-Face and his torch flamethrower wielding animated Statue of Liberty.* 3 stars

"Hot Dog: The Movie" guest starring Shannon Tweed and the guy from American Werewolf in London-- *Sex crazed 1980s party animals versus stuck up German snobs on the ski slopes of Squaw Valley, USA.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Genesis of the Daleks" *The Daleks originated on a planet where two civilizations fought in their own version of WW1, WW2, and the Cold War for over a thousand years.* 3 stars

Disney's Gummi Bears "A New Adventure" *A kid in a king's court stumbles onto the truth about his favorite fairy tale creatures. They're real. He teams up with these Renaissance Beverly Hillbilly bears to stop a dastardly duke, and his bumbling ogre henchmen, from catapulting the king's castle to ruins.* 3 stars

"The Peanut Butter Solution" (1985) *Polite, Canadian hair'em scare'em. A kid gets a strange fright. His hair falls out like Uncle Fester. Two ghosts convince the kid to spread mudpie on his scalp. The kid turns into Cousin It. Then, the kids, in town, all get abducted by the Frenchy former art teacher and he puts them to work in a sweat shop making brushes out of the kid's long hair so that  Frenchy can paint magical paintings of his dog.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper presents Stephen King's "Salem's Lot" *The sweetest singing and a feeling like drowning* 3 stars

rifftrax riffs "It's like Rob Schneider's "The Animal," only this is a comedy." & Richard Stanley(sort of), John Frankenheimer, Stan Winston, and H.G. Wells(sort of) present "The Island of Dr. Moreau" *Distractingly bizarre / defiant / spaced out / aloof / odd for odd's sake are Brando and Kilmer. Their enemy is not the cruel repression of a species, but instead the art of filmmaking as they figuratively fling thespian poo like dramatic monkeys at the zoo.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Cowboy Bebop "Asteroid Blues" *Coyote, with red eye, on the run to mars. A couple of bounty hunters looking for beef.* 3 stars

The Galaxy Invader (1985) *"The greatest scientific discovery, of the century, gets lasso'd by rednecks."* 2 stars

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 *Crucified to the supper table. "There's roadkill all over Texas." A subpar, but still somewhat sinister, Sawyer family portrayal.* 2 stars

Hammer Films "The Curse of Frankenstein" starring Peter Cushing as the Baron Frankenstein & Christopher Lee as the monster *Cushing's descent into madness is mesmerizing.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker "Demon In Lace" *Co-ed blueballs and the stench of brimstone* 3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Trouble Down Below" ---xxx--- (1981) *Warning! This is not a daring expose' on downstairs mixups. It's instead the slow-hell of having to stare at the shriveled coin purses of men from the era of Ron Burgundy.* 2 stars

Victor Salva's "Clownhouse" *The director is a perv for little boys, Sam Rockwell bullies his two younger brothers, and three escaped mental patients stalk about in the shadows.*          3 stars

New World Pictures "Saturday, the 14th" (1981) *Arrested development in Eerie P.A., where you can't piss on hospitality, the necronomicon,or an electric can opener.* 2 1/2 stars

"Student Bodies" (1981) *Psycho-sexual-slap-stick* 3 stars

"The Kindred" (1987) *Aquatic hybrid sibling. A forgotten special fx gem.* 3 stars

"Queen of Blood" (1966) starring Dennis Hopper & John Saxon-- *She has glowing eyes, green skin, a beehive hair-do, and likes to slurp spacemen as if they were Hi-C.*  2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Reform School Girls" (1986) *Trashy twats terrorizing troubled tarts.* 3 stars

"Don't Go In The House" (1980) *There are no haunted places, only haunted people. Yet another Ed Gein, this one with a dragon in his guilty belly, 'cause mama tried to purify "his evil" using flame.* 3 stars

--- Joe Bob's Hollywood Halloween (1999)

in search of The Nair Witch segments

and the feature movie Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm" (1979)

*Here we have an outdated skit comedy about a late 90s found footage horror movie, and the braintrust at TNT's moronic attempts to turn Monstervision into Three's Company with Joe Bob hanging out with two babes in the Hollywood hills.

He gets to talk about the movie, a little bit, but not enough.

The TNT censors also butcher some of the great gore special fx, but the eerie setting and story still holds up as classic.

A story about a boy who should be dealing with coming of age problems instead of morbid things like the loss surrounding death.*

1 1/2 stars for the Nair Witch garbage

2 1/2 stars for the censored version of Phantasm as it's sandwiched between all of that

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Walking Dead: "No Sanctuary" *No Safeway, either, and very little humanity, but they've got a people Piggly Wiggly, or maybe it's a Publix, these cannibals are rather new age in attitude.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Variations and Relations" *sonnets and soirees* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "PK Tech Girl" *Ghost-ship grievances, goading smokescreen, attracting polarities, fireball spitting frog fiends.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Virtual Future" *Lawnmower Man computer program wiz, Josh Brolin, gets caught up in his corrupt boss' (David Warner) Dead Zone political run.* 2 stars

Dario Argento's "Creepers" (1985) *"Fate... up against your will..." It also doesn't hurt to have telepathic control over insects and a chimpanzee backup.* 3 stars

"Skin Games" (1985) ---xxx--- appearance by Peter North *A lotta lovemaking. Not a lotta creativity or allure.* 1 1/2 stars

The Nether Horror Collection (1996) ------------------------------------

"The Bitch Is Back" *A man has a bloody tussle with his movie quoting, maniacal blowup doll. Though, a guy with an Alien 3 poster on his bedroom door kind of deserves what's coming to him.*  2 stars

"Burp" *A hooker and a business man have a bad night on the surreal streets of some European city.* 2 stars

"The Prodigal Son" *A gigolo gets purchased for a golden girl mom who sucks and bites his nipple off.  Then, all hell breaks loose when the jealous brother shows up.* 3 stars

"Pick Nick" *A man tries to trick a nagging blind woman to get out of the car at a lion preserve.*  2 1/2 stars

"Zombi Orignale" *"The statue needs blood, human blood, or else the gates of hell will open and the dead  will rise." Great, little homage to Night of the Living Dead and the king of gore, Lucio Fulci, too.* 3 stars

"La Mouche" *Plodding, and plodding some more, man versus fly.* 1/2 a star despite ok end

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre" *A nerdy Colonel Sanders finger licks a guitar while some youth and a critter-esque muppet get depraved.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre 2: The Resurrection" *Bloody guitar player rises from the grave to rock out, once more.* 2 stars

"Inkt" *A Victorian lifelong fear/obsession with squid leads to time spent in a watery and nightmarish asylum.* 2 1/2 stars

"Visire" *Black & white short about grey, dreary European city life where the maggot covered dead body of your upstairs neighbor falls onto your bowl of cereal as you try to watch Looney Tunes.* 2 stars

"Bloody Mary" *Big, bald bully bothers a barmaid before getting a bloody boo boo and blacking out, bringing the barmaid to bare her fangs.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Transformers: Transport to Oblivion *Megatron's hard ticket to Cybertron* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents "Project Metal-Beast" *Corrupt and crazy CIA man thaws his old werewolf buddy out of storage so that some young military scientists can have an ethical dilemma hissyfit over sewing patchwork synthetic, so-called indestructible skin all over him, when he's not gnawing on them.* 2 stars

Sundown, The Vampire in Retreat (Shouldn't it be Sunup?) featuring M. Emmett Walsh, George 'Buck' Flower, Bruce Campbell, & David Carradine *A family goes on a trip to a sleepy, desert town where the dad is helping set up a Snapple-esque blood substitute plant for the incognito vampire town residents who have given up their gruesome ways, for the most part, and are living a gentle life behind sunscreen, umbrellas, big floppy hats & sunglasses. There's also a hokey deal about Dracula getting forgiveness from Jesus, a group of dissident cave cowboy vampires, and a Straw Dog love triangle between the husband, the wife, and an old friend who has gone over to the darkside.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Space Raiders" (1983) *Little Anikin Menace Phone Home Alone* 1 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Harvest of Doom" *Snakes, on a train, delivering poppies to the wizard, and a swamp girl, Huck Finn, who wants the train as her own personal playset.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Living Hell" *A drifter, and all around nice guy, with a scarred past, becomes a gunshot, to the head, victim. He receives a revolutionary brain chip that saves his life, but also allows visions from the mind of a serial killer who has the same kind of bug in his head. The nice guy's sympathetic, and beautiful, brain surgeon helps him as he deals with the gruesome visions and they try to stop the killer.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: "Stray Dog Strut" *Give him the once over, twice, and get enough for duck. Bumbling a bounty, but scoring a sought after puppy stuffed with precious data.* 2 1/2 stars

"Ghostwatch" (1992) *BBC mockumentary about a live, Halloween night paranormal investigation at a suburban home in London. The two girls and mother do a believable job, some of the reporters make it a little more silly than it should be, but maybe that works to the advantage of making the viewer comfortable and then disturbing them. The comments on having created a social t.v. seance and having other viewers and the studio experience outlandishly spooky events might have been a little over the top, but all in all very entertaining.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: "Awakening" *Betrayed, a millenium ago, by the humans they were sworn to protect, a group of winged beasts awake from a rocky slumber in pre-9-11 NYC. A ponytailed, shady and extremely wealthy CEO hopes to use their battle skills to wage corporate espionage from high atop a castle above the largest skyscraper in the city. Realizing the trickery, the leader, of the gargoyles, Goliath, severs ties with an old love who is showing too much of a demonic side like the human who awakened them and attempted to exploit them. The gargoyles don't lose complete love for humanity, however, as many of them find that they love modern city life and Goliath catches urban fever from a saucy, lady detective, friend. The show has a similar moody, gorgeous, compelling style as Batman: The Animated Series.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Angel Boy" *A dorky dad becomes eeriely enamored with a fairylike neighbor boy's Lady Gaga wannabe avant garde singing. So much so that he surprises his own aggressive whiteboy monstertruck driving son with a special musical performance of Angel Boy at a pool party for bitches and bros. They of course begin to haze Angel Boy, to the idiotic shock of the dad, and make him face his worst fear, water, when they toss him into the pool. He boils like a  mogwai, for a moment, and then rises above the pool, in the air, and makes a demonic pitch of sound that causes everyone to shit their pants. Aside from the painfully non-humor music video moment, the story sticks to the point and manages to poke fun at people in Tim & Eric's unique and sort of spot on way.* 2 1/2 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army" *It comes down to the imaginative creatures being more interesting than the dark elf plot to unleash tin man terminators on the world.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "That Old Black Magic" *An evil being savors suffering and is willing to make you feel shitty in order to get his own star destroyer spaceship.* 3 stars

Martin Landau, Ruth Buzzi, and Jose Ferrer in "The Being" *Dazed & Confused town is more concerned with selling potatoes and stopping so-called smut than they are the toxic waste dump that's spawning gooey cyclops menaces.*  3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Revenge of the Cybermen" *Metal Slug induced "plague", dastardly double agent, satellite collision course, moon-planet of gold, human detonators for the biggest explosion in the solar system, generational power struggle, Tin Man Butcherers with a 14 karrot Achilles' heel.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Mindok, The Mind Menace" *Doctor-Doom-esque villain's brain refuses to die, so he seeks out frozen scientists from the 20th century to help build a giant robotic body to house his vile intellect. Our boneheaded hero, his even more boneheaded bigfoot friend, and the only smart one, the sorceress, try to free the scientists and stop Mindok. The awkward line delivery and odd moments of animation make this show unintentionally hilarious, often.* 2 1/2 stars

"Spookies" (1986) *Farting mummies killed by red wine, 13 year old boy who gets a surprise birthday party at a haunted mansion and then buried in a shallow grave by a werewolf, Jersey Shore couple victims, Grim Reaper that explodes when it falls off the 2 story roof, graveyard full of groping zombies (no flesh eating), Aleister Crowley type who is playing a big game of chess with victims for a brought back from the dead bride who never loved him, wolfboy with a hook for a hand, girlfriend possessed by demon, dorky mustache guy with puppet who gets the life, literally, sucked out of him by an Asian spiderlady, British prude lady who controls her boyfriend and they both get eaten by creatures from the black lagoon big & small. Some okay gooey special fx creatures and makeup mixed in with some cheap and crappy Halloween makeup on ghouls and an unfocused story/climax/ending that felt like they didn't know what to do and just gave up.*   2 stars

"Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy" --------------------

*Nightmare 1: Smug filmmakers think they're above the slasher genre. Bob Shea is responsible for the great 'gotcha' ending.

Freddy's Revenge: It's realized how important Englund is. Actors, screenwriter, production crew look back fondly on the silliness and gay over/under tones.

Dream Warriors: The boy actors crush on Patricia Arquette. The director is manic and jerkish about making a bold production.

Dream Master: Everyone disappointed Arquette doesn't return. Viking director takes Freddy into MTV pop culture direction. Freddy is now mainstream. We, the public, felt it.

Dream Child: Bug eyed kid actor would make a great Golum in LOTR. Fresh influences help  series, including splatterpunk writers and visionary KNB special fx guys.

Freddy's Dead: Hack director gets praise for over the top looney tunes crap filmmaking. Publicity stunts help New Line and the director con people into thinking it's bye bye.

New Nightmare: Wes Craven returns to take the movie in a meta as meta can get direction. More smugness and even more Heather Lagenkampf. She's no Jamie Lee or Sigourney.

Freddy vs. Jason: In gestation for years. Many scripts. A director who didn't like the characters. An ending no one can decide on. Test audiences. Apologies. It's no Frankenstein vs. The Wolfman.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Barbara Hershey in "The Entity" (1980) *Psychologists are stuffy foggies puffing pipes. Parapsychologists are vibrant, videoage pioneers. Hysterical, lonely women with child abuse / unwanted motherhood regret invent undefinable, unstopabble forces of nature to avert dealing with menopausal personal crisis, or do they?* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Monsters Among Us" *Paints with very broad strokes and overacting and power guitar performances in the wrong era. It's not as garish and actually shocking like Tod Browning's 'Freaks.' It's not moody and timeless like 'Carnivale.' It's not compelling like 'Fur: A Portrait of Diane Arbus.' And it's not truly weird like Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely." It's a cliche killer clown, here, a fornicating lobster boy, there, and more uninterestingly freakish characters aside from the cgi siamese twin and the overbearing cabaret leader.* 2 stars

Town of the Living Dead: "Zombie Karate" *It's hard to tell whether these characters are a creation of the show's production or  if these smalltown, extremely passionate moviemakers are really this stupid and odd.*  1 1/2 stars

"Motel Hell" (1980) *"It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters." Those fritters include hippy bandmates, nosey health inspector, and kinky husband & wife swingers to name a few. "Meat is meat, and people gotta eat."... in this Jimmy Dean smokehouse massacre.* 3 stars

"Basket Case 2" (1990) *The Times Square Freak Twins flee to Staten Island where they find sanctuary with a Nightbreed Muppet Babies group lead by a loving granny. They're hounded by a weekly world news type tabloid reporter and both find out how tragic love and acceptance can be.* 3 stars

---- "The Willies" (1990)

*Sean Astin (LOTR & Rudy) is on a backyard campout, with his cousins, telling kid-friendly tales of terror. One tale is about a piggy lady who finds a fried rat in her KFC.

Another tale is about an old man who dies on a haunted house ride at the carnival.

Then there's the tale of the the monster who wears a janitor's skin and eats elementary school bullies who have mullets and wear iron maiden t-shirts along with pinch faced teachers, but he spares the picked on nerds who pee their pants.

The final tale is about a live action Eric Cartman. Gordy Belcher (Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts) gets twisted pleasure from the  misfortune of others and stealing whatever he wants to the point of everyone in town, even his parents, disliking him. He also is methodical in his perverse obsession with flies. He experiments with them, like a god or mad scientist. The Weird Science comic covers taped to his bedroom wall reflect his personality. He has more problems than suspension  from school, and punishment from his parents, when he ticks off a crazy farmer who has  came up with a smelly solution to get rid of Gordy for good.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

---- "Fear No Evil" (1981)

*The pubescent Prince of Darkness mopes around, like the lead singer of Bauhaus, at his 1980s highschool where  there's always MTV rock music playing, like The Ramones.

He's picked on in homo-erotic ways by the school's John Travolta look-a-act a-like, and they share a homo-erotic-satanic kiss in the showers.

He's a straight A student, accepted into every ivy league college imaginable, but his presence, since his botched baptism, has put his folks into a deep depression as they walk around like shells of human beings- in a decrepit, falling apart house they no longer tend to.

The dad just drinks and tells people, at the bar, that his son is the devil.

They laugh him off and say there's is too.

The prince tries to mind rape a girl he's obssessed with and ends up causing the stereotypical crazy gym teacher to kill her boyfriend with a dodgeball.

The girl goes into mourning and finds out she's one of three reincarnated angels sent to stop Satan.

The prince goes all Caligula on his town during a Jesus play and the low budget horror fx begin, including a hilarious scene where he gives Travolta guy breasts, playing off a joke/dare Travolta kid teased Satan kid with earlier when he wouldn't share a homo-erotic puff puff pass pot joint with him.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cowboy Bebop: "Honky Tonk Women" *The giant roulette wheel in the upper atmosphere.* 3 stars

Transformers: "Roll For It" *(with enthusiasm) "It's time to create anti-matter!" Megatron, again, comes close to causing himself to become permanent, 'instant junk.'* 3 stars

Dino De Laurentiis presents Stephen King's "Cat's Eyes" *This cat really got around in the 80s. In the 90s, not so much. But man, the 80s... if it went down, the cat was somewhere lurking about. Lionel Richie walking on the ceiling, the cat was down on the floor saving Billy Ocean's breath, while he was napping, and being the inspiration for 'Get Out of My Dreams, Get into My car.' The night that the Elephant Man's bones came alive and attacked Liz Taylor because Michael accidentally let her get  drunk and do witchcraft, the cat was there to save the day. The only time that the cat ever did wrong was when he watched a guy drown, and didn't lend a hand, luckily Phil Collins was there to witness it, and shame the cat, later, in song.* 3 stars

"Pulse" (1988) *Tense horror thriller where phenomena thrives in the disbelief it allows in some and the despair it causes in others. Set in the 1980s revival of the love for modern, electrical conveniences and the fact that there might be some sinister force dwelling on the edges of that lifestyle. Added twitch of the personal drama of how distance and divorce does disrepair to developmental years, for a child, if not dealt with in a down to earth and off the grid manner.* 3 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Raiders of the Abyss" *It's death from above as foul, shriveled monks on massive mutated bats pluck stranded passengers off of an ancient cruiseliner impaled sideways on a sharp mountain. The flying mouse brigade wanna sniff the life out of the captured, like a glade plug in, so's they can be young again. Thundarr, and his trusty wookie, are willing to blindly ride their horses off any chasm to save a fellow hugh-man, but the sorceress is wise enough to use logic and light bridges to make plausible path, and risks her skin- more than once- to save the day.* 3 stars

"The Midnight Hour" (1985) *For a town with a lynching past, 1985 seemed pretty light-hearted and accepting. How can you not like a movie with Thriller style dance numbers, Kurtwood Smith as the sheriff, Wolfman Jack as the disc jockey, LaVar Burton as a horny teenager, and an earth angel style ghost romance that saves Halloween from a vampire herpes outbreak?* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: "Strangers" *How many times has this happened, on the show,... our heroes regroup after a highly tense battle, divisive and long drawn out disputes are settled with a pat on the back and words of understanding, it's decided that a supply run is once again needed, a handful of zombies stand in the way and are quickly/watchoutohno/easily dispatched, someone in the group feels angsty, anxiety & mistrust settles back in during a comfortable moment, the show ends on a cliffhanger?  We come back the next week, like the suckers we are...*       2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 4: All Musical Edition *"In a room with no windows, in the corner, I found truth."* 2 stars

Z Nation: "Fracking Zombies" *Post-zombie tech support outsourced to the polar ice caps. Zombie sled dogs in the snow. Sons of Anarchy Sex slave ring? Zombie oil spill. Zombie boredom game of 'Go Fish.' Zombie s.u.v. leering hissyfit. Z nation satellite surveillance spots a rare telephone booth. Zeriously, zthough, DJ Qualls lonely and wanting a puppy pulls at my heart strings more than Rick & Carl have in a while.*          2 1/2 stars

"The Supernaturals" (1986) *A platoon of privates, stranded in the deep south wilderness, encounter some undead rebel soldiers and a resurrected civil war army mother/widow. The hundred plus year old son has been keeping dear old mom alive since a group of yanks caused her death during cruel torture/execution at a confederate minefield. Our hero, one of the army privates, has to convince the son (who he might actually be the father of in a past life) to stop using his supernatural powers to keep these old war wounds open.* 2 1/2 stars

"Lady in White" *Charmingly crafted tale of a writer who returns to his smalltown where, during his childhood, a Halloween prank puts him on the path of ghosts, and a child murderer, set against the backdrop of a quirky schoolroom, a quirky Italian family with sweet & silly grandparents, and the issues of race during the early days of the civil rights movement.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Summer of Fear" aka "Stranger In Our House" a Wes Craven tv movie (1978) *An Ozark Mountains witch poses as a distant cousin so that she can spellcast her way into the top spot in a California ranch home and ruin the teenage life of the family's spunky, horse-lovin' daughter. The Poison Ivy plot can be forgiven, for it was fresh at the time, but some of the silly moments like the notion that a witch can't be photographed, and that the dad doesn't remember the entire week where he was cheating on mom, with the witch, are harder to not criticize.* 2 1/2 stars

"In Search of the Wild Beaver" ---xxx--- (1986) *College buddies devise a plan to fur-trap some girl game and pop their poindexter friend's cherry so that he'll let them take his winnebago on a raunchy roadtrip.* 2 stars

"Taking Tiger Mountain" (1983) *Feminist fascist scientists chemically castrate, sexually re-engineer, and generally just mind fuck typically horny young males, like Bill Paxton's character, in order to experiment in the balancing of the sexes. When they're royally screwed up, they send these fuck fixated fellas out into the world as sleeper agent assassins against the femi-nazi's political  enemies. Europe is full of North American expatriates, due to a state of post-apocalyptic chaos west of the atlantic. We hear this on a constant radio broadcast in our head. Europe isn't much better as radicals try to overthrow the patriarchy and groups of young people are auctioned off in prostitution meat markets. Aesthetically more of a filmschool  artfilm than a surreal masterpiece like Cronenberg's "Naked Lunch."*  2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Treasure of the Moks" *River-Queen pirate raids the village of legendary rich Wookies using salvaged torpedos from a Naval graveyard. She's sitting pretty on the deck of a battleship nailed to a raft of logs. Her crew looks like casino drunks or adam west batman's penguin henchmen with their navy frog suits with skull and crossbones on the front. She's more of a villainess fashion victim with a men's necktie substituting for a pirate's bandana. On a serious note, this episode is great because it's the first time we see actual human beings as the greedy, dangerous ones in this post-apocalypse instead of the usual mutant creature, sub-species, or inhuman tech or magic entity.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Terror of the Zygons" *Loch Nessie in a fetching scarf floating up the Thames.*  3 stars

42nd Street Forever Vol 2: Grindhouse Exploitation Trailers *Fast rides, wild teens, hot women, hard edged bruthas, controversial facts of life, unspeakable creatures, inhuman terrors, horrors of science, rowdy rednecks, energetic espionage, sword and sandal, roller disco.* 3 stars

The State "43rd Annual" All-Star Halloween Special on CBS (1995) *MTV's The State get subversive on network tv with stunts like coming out to an opening musical number through the legs of hanged men, having a well adjusted kid smoke a joint, for the first time, and take a police station hostage, and showing soldiers holding a dying squad mate and being uncomfortable with his last wish for them to tell him they love him because it would be gay and ending the skit with the soldiers 'making out' over the dead soldier's body.*        3 stars

Night Stand: Death in the Trailer Park aka Homicide in a Double-Wide *Billy Ray Jim Dick's mama is still sore at her slut daughter in law for hitching up with two-ton tubbie trailer salesman after her son's tragic truck accident. Surprise, though, Billy Ray faked his death and is now a Joan instead of a Jim. Night Stand, a great parody of Jerry Springer.* 3 stars

Disney's DTV Monster Hits (10-30-87) --------------------

*Electric Light Orchestra's 'Evil Woman' plays over a montage of Disney villainesses,

awesome 80s Pepsi & Burger King commercials -one with the Miami Sound Machine,

Donald Duck delivers a package to an unlucky address as Stevie Wonder's 'Very Superstitious' plays,

Pat Benatar's 'You Better Run' plays as Snow White flees for her life into the forest,

Spike Jones' 'That Old Black Magic' plays during some of Mickey & friends more mystical moments,

Hershey's Bar-None candybar commercial about satisfying the hungry beast,

Michael Landon promises new surprises in this upcoming season of 'Highway to Heaven,'

Daryl Hall's 'Dreamtime' plays along with gorgeous hand-drawn classic Disney animation,

"Heffalumps and Woozles" for Winnie the Pooh,

Ronald & Grimace in the story of Cosmic- a cheeseburger sharing lesson,

Golden Girls in the U.S.S.R. preview,

Annie Lennox sings 'Sweet Dreams' during a dream sequence,

all hosted by the Man in the Magic Mirror.*

3 stars

==============================================================

Halloween 666: The Curse of Michael Myers *Satanic cursed child cult, Tommy Doyle Rear Window style watcher, Laurie's daughter's baby, Dr. Loomis comes out of retirement, runes, Strode family strife.*  2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Tobe Hooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" *I had imagined Freddy being more cowardly in his life and not releshing in his own execution.* 2 1/2 stars

Frank Grillo in "The Purge: Anarchy" *A young Charles Bronson type takes by the hand and leads Fred Sanford's girls and a car trouble couple through a dream night for supporters of the NRA and players of GTA. Meanwhile, Chuck D & the Public Enemy try to lead a anti purge revolution that will not be televised.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Jasper Needs Zombies *The inept, bumbling director name drops Robert Rodriguez. The crazy investor lady has spent tens of thousands of dollars on a movie that was doomed to make nothing until SYFY  stepped in. Six years of everyone involved wasting their time on a movie in a tired, oversaturated genre... I will give them credit for exploiting their crassness on cable as a way of maybe recouping some of what they've lost in this venture and gaining a coin or two of fame/shame.* 1 star

"The Simpsons Guy" *Long awaited crossover. Too bad SouthPark already pointed out how Bart's rebellious antics are nowhere near as sadistic as other cartoon bad boys in Cartoon Wars where Bart meets Cartman and too bad they wasted so much of the episode with the tired, uncomfortable Meg moments and the 'chicken fight' between Peter & Homer. I would have liked to seen more how Quahog and Springfield clashed in cultures and attitudes.* 2 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Toes" *Patients pay Dr. Bob Odenkirk to butcher their piggies. Detective M. Emmett Walsh sniffs around, making Dr. Bob uncomfortable, wanting to be his sailing buddy, but Emmett knows Bob's dark secret. He eats the toes.* 3 stars

Three Stooges Fright Night TBS Superstation (1992) --------------------

*Stop seeing things, before I gouge your eyes out. Go to sleep, before I murder you, ya sonambulist. - a few great quotes by Moe in this first 'Old Dark House' horror comedy.

Then there's a truly horrific commercial about a grown woman who was a botch aborted fetus at seven months.

Then an awesome commercial for Copolla's Dracula coming out the 13th of November.

Next is 'I Want My Mummy' about the curse of King Rooten Tooten, where the Stooges are Sherlock Holmes investigators who catch a cab from NY to Cairo to find a corpse of a midget and destroy his wife Hotsie Totsie.

Followed by 'Dopey with Dicks' (featuring Shemp) A mad scientist seeking a human brain for a mechanical man and maybe the first comedic mention of 'braaaaiiins' in a horror/comedy.

Lastly, it's 'Pests in a Mess'   Stooges think they're trying to hide a stiff, they never bothered to look and see it was a mannequin, and wind up in a spooky cemetery where the scares literally cause the boys to jump out of their shoes.*

3 stars

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Swamp Thing: "The Emerald Heart" *A little boy with a questionable imagination gets to spend the Summer in the swamp, and meets the Swamp Thing.  Yuppy douchebag mad scientist toys with his skanky girlfriend and moreso with a poor dwarf.* 2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Attack of the Amazon Women" *Han and Chewie get all sexist caught in the midst of a shark ridin', amphibian, estrogen civil war. Also a laser tentacles Kracken, a patriot missile trojan horse, & a lady-magic showdown.* 3 stars

Friday Night Videos (10-30-1987) hosted by Elvira special Halloween Edition ---------------------------

*Springsteen strumming alone in his kitchen, late at night.

Earth Wind & Fire show us innercity life in 'System of Survival' an awesome retro street video.

Cheesy lifesavers and scruples commercials where nerdy yuppies love & hangout.

White man blues Levis 501 blues.

Elvira answers (valley girl voice) "So Weiiird" fan letters from the likes of Madonna & Jon 'bulge in the pants' Bon Jovi.

REM sends one out to 'The One I Love.'

Phillip Morris wants to know if Elvira smokes after sex, Elvira doesn't know, she's never looked.

Tammy Faye Baker thinks Elivra exploits her body. Ha.

Then a flat busted girl wants Elvira's advice in dressing as her for Halloween, Elvira says to dress like Cher, only backwards.

Then the video for that cheesy love song from the end of 'Dirty Dancing' by Billy Medley and Jennifer Warren. Swayze crazy. These two singers must be really ugly, as they're kept in total shadow. Ha.

Jon Cryer is Hiding Out rated PG 13.

3D Toyota car for 1988.

Hershey's one of the all time greats, just ask Van Gogh and Mona Lisa.

Joe Montana knows about Nissan 'built for the human race' automobiles.

A pumpkin head helps sell us water & sofa beds.

Elvira teases us some more with her incredible legs and invites women to wear mattresses on their back, having one eye brow like brooke shields, and wearing a box on their head like Max Headroom.

Steve Winwood uses blurry 80s video editing to ask Valerie to 'Call on Me.'

Squeeze get all Renee Margarite artsy in 'Hourglass.'

Andrew McCarthy, Robert Downey Jr, and James Spader are 'Less Than Zero.'

Grab a stick, take a sniff, pull it out, on the ski slopes 'cause Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya.

"Hey, where  did you learn about COMPUTERs?" response "In the Army." "

The Nighttime is the Right Time" to be with the one ya love and to drink Michelob, so tells us a bluesy beer commercial. Man, 80s yuppies loved them some white man's blues.

Elvira gives tips not tits... tips for a safe Halloween. No Smurfs covered sheets ghost costume, take trick instead of treat, and accept no candy apples that you can shave with.

U2 where the streets have no names but do have rooftop spastic Bono belting out a soaring anthem.

Whatzit? board game.

New fresher taste Baby Ruth for letter jacket wearers.

Claim to Fame the gameshow where kids, dressed as Freddy Kruger, juggle fire.

Elvira says not to give out 8 track Frampton or bakedbeans/sushi to trick or treaters, but  Sony Walk-man instead.

'Blue Heaven is a Place on Earth' and Belinda Carlisle a dreamy chick on earth.

Cajun spiced Ruffle chips

and spoken word white guy Levi 501 blues.

Crocodile Dundee's buddies sell us Matilda Bay brew.

Flashdance esque advertisement for a hot Pontiac ride.

Stevie Wonder is in suburbia talkin' bout Skeletons in your Closet' and keepin' an eye on the scandalous goings on.

A chick with a Michael Jackson hat and huge earings wants more comfortable contacts.

Get a better butterfinger now.

Dreyfuss & Devito duel in a new comedy.

Not agent Dale Cooper must stop a female alien in The Hidden.

Elvira wraps it up for the Halloween weenies.*

3 stars

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The CW's "The Reaper" unaired pilot *A slacker gets special powers, from Satan, on his 21st birthday because his parents sold  his soul to the devil before he was even born. The guy has to go around with a mini-vac and suck up escaped souls and send them back to the pits. The  devil turns out to be a decent mentor for the guy to get his life back together. Along with his new Jedi powers and his Tucker & Dale versus Evil buddy, he's able to snare a firebug. This show is like a cross between the teen horror comedy Idle Hands and the S-Mart stuff from Evil Dead.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs special guest Chucky from Bride of Chucky "The Gate" *Before Steven Dwarf stunted his size by smoking, he was listening to Satanic rock and summoning Stygian, synchronized- shape-shifting shorties and having to stop them from summoning their Set-like snake-god via a second sacrifice* 2 stars

American Horror Story: Murder House episode 1 *Filthy horror show. Haunted victorian house, 1970s horror vibe, screwed up characters. my curiousity is peaked.* 3 stars

South Park: The Cissy *Cartman finds a new, controversial scheme to exploit a civic issue, and this time Randy, through his strangeness,brings everyone together, uninentionally, to throw a wrench in Eric's plans. This show needs to quit following the same pattern, though, I appreciate the mentions to recent episode events. It gives the show a touch of continuity.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Philly Feast *Trailer trash cannibal cult use whores to lure unlucky men to the meat freezer. The Liberty Bell rolls down the streets of the City of Brotherly Love smashing zombies.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Full Metal Zombie *Amish Zombies, Romero mentioned (interesting self aware moment. Has it been done before, in a zombie show/movie?), zombies liking to eat brains mentioned (hmmm, kind of dumb self aware moment), toilet paper rationing moment (ha), carjacked by phony zombies, nice family carjacks phony zombie carjackers and then violently executes them, nice family (including kids) get eaten (wow, TWD wouldn't show a kid getting eaten), using a fast food drive thru to talk to DJ Qualls *Citizen Z* in his igloo, old hippie shotguns pot with a zombie, horror icon Bill Moseley as a crazy army official with a ridiculously over the top death, giant zombie chokehold, only one moment where they seem to really rip off TWD in where they mistake the old man as a zombie like Rick's group almost shot and killed Daryl after his bloody zombie walk.* 2 1/2 stars