#all the time bc of the inconsistency and not eating enough (forget to do 3 meals) :[

[un-pearable]

big fan of how i completely fall apart the moment i don’t have Structure. i’ve had exactly 3 days since the end of the semester and i’m currently awake at 7am bc i just. wasn’t tired and kept reading 👍

[rottingreveries]

IT WILL COME BACK

pairing: hanma shuji x AFAB!reader

rating: NSFW, MDNI! i'm watching <3

loosely based on it will come back by hozier. also i realize now just how similar some of this is to my 11:56pm fic is rip lol

cw: mean dom!hanma, unrequited love, heavy choking, fear play, therefore i think this technically? falls into the dubcon category lol, humiliation, light cnc, degradation, TOXIC behavior, belt used as a collar (*hiding*), edging, clit slapping, size kink kinda, creampie bc is it rly written by me if the breeding kink isn't fuckin obvious

wc: 2,673

even though you know better, you can’t help but to let hanma in any time he shows up at your door. it’s always late and on random days, but you continue to entertain his games. all it takes is one look from him and your heart wrenches.

it’s like you crave nothing but to help the man, as if he’s something akin to an injured animal. you give him a place to stay, food to eat, a shower to use, and then some– and just like an animal would, he keeps coming back for more since he knows you’ll provide him with much needed stability. sometimes you don’t see him for weeks at a time, but you know he’ll always show up again at some point. 

hanma may be inconsistent, but he does stay true to his word, and that was something he’d told you one of the first nights he stayed with you. 

“shouldn’t be nice to me, baby,” he murmured against your lips. “never gonna get rid of me that way.”

for once, he sounded almost serious, and that alone should have startled you. you should have pushed him away, even, should have told him to leave when you felt him smirk against you, should have never fucking agreed to take him in like some stray cat. unfortunately for you, however, you’re just putty in his very capable hands, perfectly malleable and eager to please him.

“i don’t mind,” you replied foolishly with a ditzy smile on your face.

but really, who could blame you? who would have thought that a man as crass as hanma shuji could possess such charm? the duality of his character is just as sickening as it is utterly fucking captivating. something about being the only one who sees that softer side of him makes your heart flutter and face warm. it’s enough to make you forget that the “relationship” you two share is simply just one sided— it’s pretend, and you’re the only participant.

and that’s not even to mention the fact that the very same hands that usually wreak nothing but chaos during the day, only bring you comfort and pleasure at night. it’s something you’ve come to need, it feels like, and it only gets worse the longer you’re apart. it’s almost as if he knows, like he purposefully waits as long as possible before your breaking point– before you find someone else– just to come and swoop you right back up.

tonight, though, is different. you’re sure of it. it’s been nearly six weeks since you’ve last seen him this time around, and you’ve had more than enough time to reflect. you’re aware of how toxic this is, how shitty he treats you behind the honeyed words and soft touches.

you’re ready to finally tell him no, which is the one word you’ve been incapable of saying to hanma the entire time you’ve been seeing him. and you’re not sure how you knew he’d show up tonight, but you’re not surprised when you hear him knocking on your door at nearly one in the morning. he always knocks, never rings the doorbell. you suppose it’s his way of telling you it’s him, but you’d always know, whether he made it obvious or not.

“hey baby,” he grins as he takes in your appearance, your body clad in only a tanktop and shorts, but he’s taken aback by the lack of a smile on your face. “what’s wrong, didja miss me?”

“i’m not gonna do this anymore, hanma.”

he blinks in mild disbelief, but the grin that mars his handsome face never falters, “was gone too long this time around, huh? swear i’ll make it up to you.”

before you can even formulate a response, hanma places a hand at your waist and gently pushes you aside so he can enter. like usual, he heads right to the kitchen to search for any leftovers you might have set aside for him. you’ve left nothing for him this time around.

“no, i’m serious,” you say once you finally find the words. your mouth is so fucking dry under his scrutinizing gaze, but you continue anyway, “i’m tired of being used by you.”

there’s a childish, demeaning kind of pout on his face as he approaches you. like he’s mocking you. he lifts a hand and cups your jaw, “‘m sorry if i made you feel that way, baby. y’know i don’t mean it.”

part of you knows that his apology is complete and utter bullshit, and you’re well aware of the fact that he only said it just to console you. but the same part of you that got you into this mess to begin with immediately begins to crumble at his words, eating up the apology, even as poor as it is. and to make it even worse, hanma knows of the effect he has on you. he feels how you’re leaning into his touch, sees how your eyes are softening at the most mundane bullshit he’s able to cough up.

easy. it’s just too damn easy, he thinks, and you’re far too fucking innocent, but that only makes him want you all the more. it doesn’t matter that it’s selfish of him, he warned you months ago, so he doesn’t even feel bad for molding you into his very own plaything (not that he’s capable of experiencing guilt, anyway). little did you know, you should have just listened to him when you had the chance.

“poor baby,” hanma coos, dragging his thumb over your bottom lip. “must’ve missed me so much to be acting the fuck up like this.”

“h-hanma, i mean it—“

“do you? it doesn’t seem like it,” he presses harder against your bottom lip until you instinctively part them. his thumb slips into your mouth and he pushes down on your tongue despite your whines of protest.

much to your dismay, he’s right. obviously you aren’t exactly serious. you’d be able to finally put your fucking foot down if you were, but instead you are once again just putty in his hands, and he never ceases to take advantage of that fact. it happens every single time, you know this, so maybe it’s even more foolish of you to try and stop it.

“‘cause you love me,” hanma says plainly, though he wears a sadistic grin. “isn’t that right?” you don’t respond and he becomes visibly irritated, bending down to make you meet his gaze. he’s never looked more serious and it terrifies you. “have you gone dumb? i’m not gonna ask again.”

“yes,” you reply, though it’s garbled by his thumb, “i-i do, but—“

“nah,” he stands up straight once more, pulling his thumb from your mouth and cupping your cheek instead. you cringe as he purposefully smears your saliva against your face. “no buts. miss when you were good for me. what happened to that, huh? y’know what happens when you piss me off, don’t you?”

a chill runs up your spine and you ball his shirt up in your trembling hands, “hanma, please, you have to underst—“

his hand moves to your jaw and squeezes your cheeks, effectively shutting you up and embarrassing you all at once, “no i don’t,” he laughs, and again, you’re absolutely terrified. you’ve never seen him so irritated, but something about it makes your thighs press together. “or are you just trying to piss me off? you filthy fuckin’ bitch.”

hanma doesn’t give you the chance to deny it and turns you around, pressing you into the nearby counter. the edge digs into your stomach, it hurts, but you couldn’t feel more fucking alive as he tugs your sleep shorts down your legs. your heartbeat picks up at the mix of excitement and fear brewing in your chest.

one of his hands presses against the back of your neck, forcing your cheek against the cold countertop as his other simply pushes your panties to the side, not bothering to take them off. he doesn’t have to, he knows you’ll let him have you either way. it’s why he likes you so much, after all— you’re so sweet and pliant, with those big, innocent eyes of yours. truly, he adores you.

“fuck, loot at that,” hanma chuckles, his thumb pressing into your clit just to see you jump. “so fuckin’ wet already. seein’ me mad gets you off, huh? go on, tell me.”

“y-yes!”

he laughs again and your cheeks warm in embarrassment. you want nothing but to shy away from him but he doesn’t give you the option. his hold on your neck tightens and without warning, he sinks two fingers into you.

“fuck, i missed this cunt,” hanma hums as his fingers curl inside you, and he basks in the pretty cry you let out in response. “can’t keep going so long without seein’ you, can i?”

you shake your head as best as you can and whimper out a nearly incoherent no, already embarrassingly close to cumming. your legs begin to shake and you’d have already fallen by now if not for your tight hold on the counter.

“shuji– shuji please–”

“i thought i already reminded you. you know what fuckin’ happens when you piss me off.”

you wail in response, desperately trying to press back against him but to no avail. it doesn’t matter— if hanma doesn’t want you to cum, you won’t. you should know this by now, he always holds true to his word. just before your climax, he pulls away and slaps your clit. 

“‘m sorry!” you gasp, but he simply slaps you again. “fuck, fuck, please!”

hanma coos, “oh, you’re sorry? poor fuckin’ slut.”

tears pool in your eyes but you try to focus more on the anticipation building in your tummy as you hear the buckle of his belt clinking. his grip on you finally lets up and you breathe a sigh of relief but it’s short lived, as he fastens the belt around your neck like a makeshift collar.

it causes you to panic and you scramble to push yourself up, but it's to no avail. as soon as your palms meet the countertop, hanma pushes your panties to the side once more and presses the tip of his cock to your entrance.

“shuji, wait—!”

he tugs the belt to shut you up, and slowly slides his cock into your cunt, “take it. jus’ like you always do— fuck, that’s it.”

hanma doesn’t care that you’re visibly struggling to adjust to the size of him, nor does he care about the sobs that you’re choking on. his indifference is obvious by his pace alone, as it seems to be only for his pleasure. it's too quick, too rough, just too fucking much.

“‘s t-too big,” you hiccup, pressing your hand against his hip, though he easily swats it away. “i-i can’t!”

“you can,” he leans down to your level, his voice husky right next to your ear, “and you fuckin’ will. isn’t that right, baby?"

“sh-shuji!”

usually hanma can’t stand when people use his first name, but he absolutely loves the way you scream it when he’s fucking you. it’s just so pure, and it makes you all the more enticing. no one else moans like you do, nor do they take his cock like you do. he swears you’re fucking perfect, and it’s why he’ll always come back. even if you did finally decide you’ve truly had enough, he’d still make his way back to you. 

fankly, he’ll die before he willingly stops seeing you, touching you, fucking you. he craves your soft touches, kind words, and most of all, the love you show him. he couldn’t even hope to be loved the same way by anyone that isn’t you.

“hope you know i love you,” hanma says, standing up straight as he tightens the belt around your neck, “‘cause fuckin’ you like i hate you is just too fun.”

you know— god, you just fucking know— that he’s not being honest when he says he loves you. you’re well aware, and yet you still eat it right up. you don’t even panic when he starts to cut off your breathing, you trust him that much. and as he tugs the belt, he also grabs your hair at the roots and pushes your face back against the countertop. your cheek rubs against the granite with each of his thrusts and if you were anymore coherent, you’d actually be worried about getting a friction burn.

“goddamn, it’s so much better when you’re goin’ dumb on my cock.”

you pay him no mind since you’re just so, so fucking close. hell, you barely even realize that you’re on the verge of passing out until your vision starts to go dark but right before you do, he undoes the belt and lets it fall onto the counter next to you. the adrenaline rush from the fear of asphyxiation goes right to your cunt and as you sputter and gasp for air, you cum harder than you ever have before. it’s so fucking humiliating but you don’t have the capacity to care at the moment, clinging onto the counter while you try to keep up with hanma’s thrusts.

“fuck, what’d i tell you? you’re filthy,” he howls with laughter. “crazy fuckin’ bitch, who the hell gets off like that?”

his hands move to your shoulders and he makes you meet each of his thrusts, gripping hard enough to leave bruises. he’s so deep that it hurts, but it’s the kind of pain that makes your head spin in the best way. no one else treats you like hanma— they’re all too nice— and maybe this is part of the reason why you seem incapable of letting him go. who else would or even could fuck you like this?

“nothin’ but a stupid slut,” hanma groans as he himself gets close to his own release. “bet you’d let me fuckin’ kill you if it meant cummin’ on my cock one last time,” he wraps his hands around your throat this time, forcing your back into an uncomfortable arch as another spark of fear runs through you. “and you’d still love me.”

you want so desperately to deny it but you can’t when he’s choking you like this, though you still make no attempt to stop him, either. that alone gives him the answer he wants and he’d laugh at you again if he wasn’t so close to cumming. he holds it off, wanting to see you come undone once more before finally letting go.

“cum for me again,” hanma demands but he softly presses his lips to the back of your neck, the contrast of his two actions doing nothing but driving you absolutely fucking insane. “you love me, right, baby?”

“i-i do!” you babble, “i love you, i-i love you, i—“

he’s hitting your sweet spot perfectly with every thrust and you cum so suddenly, your vision going white and legs giving out beneath you. hanma lets you down onto the counter gently, stroking your sides while he chases his own high. he cums deep inside you mere seconds later, groaning softly against your neck. the vibrations cause your skin to erupt in goosebumps.

“shuji,“ you begin breathlessly, struggling to lift yourself up, “shuji, we—“

the much needed soft moment comes to an abrupt end when he shushes you with a slap to your ass, “don’t talk, ‘m gonna run you a bath. make up for all that lost time like i always do, yeah?”

you don’t bother arguing, or even saying another word for that matter. you simply follow him silently and soak up this moment with him because you know that despite how nice he’s being now, he’ll still be gone by tomorrow morning, leaving you to wake up to a cold, empty bed just like usual.

but even though you know better, even though he continues to hurt you, you’ll continue to let him in anytime he shows up at your door.

a/n: i honestly think i'm just so clever for the full circle ending PFFT. also i was so close to including my silly little sir kink in here but decided against it. maybe next time lol

tags: @kisakiapologist (lost all my tags after restarting my account so lmk if you wanna be tagged in future works <3)

[chainsawcorazon]

KO-D Blues: The Current DDT Main Event Scene

Anyone who first heard about Cyberagent acquiring DDT back in fall of 2017 knew that change was coming. It often does with acquisitions. Sure, the general understanding was that there would be more capital to float ideas and new projects, bigger paychecks for the personnel, but with great power comes great responsibility- more capital inevitably comes with more stakeholders.

Customers, as in the DDT audience, has been the longest and most consistent stakeholder at DDT pre-aquisition, simply because of the fact that up until fall 2017, DDT was a technically an independent whose business strategy tapped into the niche puroresu market that craved the absurdist, outlandish, and overall nontraditional approach at professional wrestling in a market that was flooded with similar content (don't @ me, but every Ace is the same kinda Ace across the big Five promotions, with a lil tailoring here and there). They have several sister promotions each doing their own thing, all part of the DDT umbrella, but running their own hijinks for their small, but loyal fanbases that buy the tickets and merch as loyally as any person consuming the mainstream content.

But after fall of 2017, they were no longer a successful indy, but now a cog in a larger machine aiming to make money. They were acquired, there's technically a new boss in the story, and even though at first it didn't seem like much would change, something has.

When Shuji Ishikawa won the D-King Grand Prix, I was livid for multiple reasons. I knew there was no way in hell he was gonna win the belt off Takeshita because by that point, it was common knowledge that Shuji would be over in AJPW the entirety of April for Champion Carnival. There was no way in hell a DDT could put their top belt on a man who had to disappear for a whole month, no matter how loyal he was to his mother promotion, bc that would have inevitably started a war between President Takagi and Uncle Jun. My pick was always Daisuke Sasaki, but some wanted Akito, some Yukio, the possibilities were endless because they're full-timers, and all of them amazing wrestlers, and we already knew Harashima was well on his way to lighter feuds and semi-main event status because his Ace days are coming to an end. We knew, but we didn't fret because other people were just are ready for an amazing push, but the victory went to the man who was already known to be a special attraction at Sumo Hall. There was a reason why HaraMarufuji had to drop those belts at Sumo Hall, and only half of it was to push Higuchi, because the other half had to salvage whatever dignity the men had left bc NOAH didn't book HaraMarufuji for shit and DDT could barely make do with Marufuji's sporadic appearances. Sometimes, it works out (like with Yuko), but a lot of times it just doesn't. So Shuji wasn't gonna win, we knew, but DDT management still played the game of thrones, and that led to the upset at Judgement 2k18.

The polls wanted Shuji. The fans wanted Shuji. Deep down, I feel like god wanted Shuji too, but no one can stop Management when it's high on one person regardless of how much the fans, the culture, the whole damn industry wants otherwise. Everyone else becomes an afterthought. People who have worked hard to keep the company alive are no longer in line to get a nice push. Suddenly, everyone becomes food for the top guy, no matter how good the build-up was for the other players, no matter how hot the crowd was for the opponent, no matter how willing the crowd was to forget that Shuji had AJPW dates to fulfill in two weeks, just because they loved the build-up to the Sumo Hall show and wanted Goliath of DAMNATION to come out as champion and give Ryogoku a concert to remember. But reality won in the end, and Shuji got pinned, and there went January through March, straight to the garbage because they fed Shuji Ishi-fucking-kawa to a 22 year old boy who can barely cut a promo and keep a crowd hot after winning a main event.

It's a tragedy from three ends because 1) Takeshita's literally a fucking novice who's only been wrestling for five or so years and is literally in the age group of the current trainees of the damn promotion, 2) he has no character or personality to speak of that people can get high on except the select few that enjoy his 'notice me Endo-san' yandere tirades, and 3) ... he lacks the spirit of DDT.

If DDT was all wrestling, everyday, I'd be watching NOAH's shitty booking and eating ice cream while trying not to let my soul slip outta my mortal coil, but that's not what DDT is. DDT is fully fleshed out characters and over-the-top storylines, DDT is gay-friendly and intergender-wrestling friendly, it's gimmick fuckery for everyone in the promotion, everyone gets to have more than one character, BOYZ shows run social critiques on heterolinis, YAROZ act out the hypermasculine thotheads, Ganbare lets Imanari have emotional meltdowns during ring takedown, TJP has zombies, BASARA has a deathmatch samurai for an Ace, and a wig is the crown for anyone who wants to be general manager of the promotion. It's content fuckery at its best, and it's fun. Takeshita Konosuke? He's not fun.

I'm not gonna try and dissect why he's not getting over, but the fact of the matter is- he's not getting over. And yet- and yet he's still being pushed like he's king of the world. Suddenly we're back in Sumo Hall, and the crowd's dead for Konosuke. A couple of weeks back, when Takeshita lost, he flipped. There was something there, a spark that came and went regularly since Takeshita and Endo began feuding, a rage that bubbled to the surface whenever Takeshita couldn't get his way. There was a character- a semblance of a character worth looking forward to because there was an unparalleled emotion there that was almost tangible.

But like a dying flame, the spark fizzled out, and we were left with an inconsistent character. Like is you mad? Is you happy? You never fuckin know with Take, man. The only consistent thing about him is his undying love/hate for Endo-san.

So Takeshita won, Shuji bowed out, and then Shigehiro Irie rolled up. Suddenly, there was some hope again, because Shige had his own storyline that made sense in the grander scheme of things. With Management so gung ho behind Takeshita, it was excellent storytelling to bring in the guy who has WORDS for the promotion who conned him out of a D-King Grand Prix spot, and had him consider quitting. But Shigs had his own story, his own reason for being, a freelancer like Shuji in his own right, but still tied to the Motherland, to DDT, at the end of the day. Still a heel, but a heel of the people- and if he wins at Max Bump 2018, a champion of the people.

Akito, on the other hand, is gonna be ten years in DDT next year, and he's one of the best wrestlers on the roster, but is still one of the most underpushed (understandable as his character is rather bland even if his skills are exceptional). Coming out with a bad Prix record, he then went on to question Shige's right to challenge. Like an older brother protecting the golden baby of the family, Akito stood up against a literal beast. And he lost. More than that, he was shamed. What's a person to do?

So what changed? Over the years, a number of champions have held the coveted KO-D. OK, maybe 'coveted' is pushing it. It's a hot title, aight? It's the top guy's title, whether that top guy for the moment is Harashima, Kudo, Ibushi, Ishikawa, Sakaguchi, Togo, Poison Sawada Julie, Dino or Mikami. But that didn't mean the title didn't change hands. For its eighteen year existence, its changed enough times for a title spanning forty years, but DDT went from zero to hero. Suddenly the belts weren't all jokes, the talent wasn't just here for the shenanigans, but for an actual chance to be the rightful King of DDT. So what changed?

Across Harashima's nine reigns over eleven years, he clocked in well over a thousand days. Takeshita is on his second reign, at 22, and clocked in almost five hundred days over eleven different defenses. The push is real, but the push isn't getting over. So I wonder again- what changed?

Everyone knows the worst civil war a promotion can get into is the war with its own customer base. The crowd died at Sumo Hall after Takeshita retained, and they were barely waking up again when Irie popped up. The story's there- the Old Guard of DDT having to deal with the new Management that came with the acquisition, Irie's need to show Takeshita that DDT is still what it used to be, even if Shigs is bitter and jaded that things have changed so quickly, the constant, nagging feeling in the back of every DDT fan's mind that 'jfc, we gotta deal with Takeshita again?” There's only so much a promotion can do until the push fails. We still have to fill up seats for Peter Pan. The hottest stable on the indies for the last two years was DAMNATION, but now that their push and hype was used on Shuji and Goliath's been slayed, what's next for them? Shige is almost certain to lost at Max Bump because anyone who slays Takeshita, will be slaying the Future and taking back DDT for whatever reason. That's not happening at Korakuen with a guy who's been MIA since December. Harashima's time is over. The generation of DDT wrestlers that came after 2005 are still lagging in the midcard, and times are... intense. We have a Sumo Hall double show coming up in 2019, and it looks like we really will be hosting Tokyo Dome if 2020 if we continue at this pace.

So what changed?

I don't want to give up hope yet because I trust that crowd sentiment matters to DDT, but with Takeshita's victory at Judgment, his lukewarm hype, and now the setup to feed heel!Shige to Takeshita in order to fluff him up as a face... it's not looking too great. Shige losing now means the Old Guard loses a warhound. One of the few things that can salvage his loss is Akito having a heel turn, but the turn hasn't been triggered in years, and seems unlikely even now when the moment is most opportune. There are... no challengers left for Takeshita with a proper build. The one man who was capable of running with his push had to lose to Mike Bailey. We're at a standstill right now- halfway to the dawn of a new era, but moments away from severe backlash because of the near omnipotent reign of a boy king who can barely keep his emotions in check around his ex-bff/love of his unfortunate life. Given, DDT didn't die even when Ibushi quit, so I doubt Takeshita's lackluster reign is gonna kill the promotion dead... but it doesn’t spell out a good future if there's meant to be a cycle of this lackluster character work.

Especially if they intend for him to be the Ace for good.

Alas, the main event scene at DDT right now is rife with mixed feelings while we prepare to work the five hundred other side-projects DDT has going, while preparing for a fall Peter Pan, with no clear picture of who will be the two men standing face-to-face at the last marquee event of the year. We'll see at Max Bump if Shige can win one for the Old Guard and take the belt off Takeshita long enough to build up other characters that can have formidable reigns, but until then, it's a rocky road. At least Smile Squash held it down for the crowd :/

[dejinyucu]

2017 summary!

Hi, I’ve been busy :’) Here’s the 2017 compilation with my fav personal art I did each month :) ...which is mostly just a bunch of Tales of Zestiria and NieR:Automata stuff xD I’m happy I managed to have personal stuff each month this year! 2016 was mostly work and more work until I said screw it and ... stopped working “Orz. I’m tempted to do my fav work or project piece of every month, but I already spent enough time on this one x’D

Art goals for 2018:

FINISH MY PROJECTS, DAMMIT. Do more traditional art on my free time. >> 2016 compilation <<

Month-to-month insight and personal life musings about the year under the cut. Warning: It’s long, and everything is pretty much a bummer, so if you’re feeling bummed yourself, it’s be a better idea to go watch puppy videos than to read this xD

I did count the number of files from procrastidoodles, finished pieces, project stuff and paid work/commissions I had for each month saved on my computer and excluded the duplicates. They painted a pretty good picture of my mood and my mental state along the year, I think. I drew 240+ procrastidoodles this year! (again mostly Zesty and NieR lol) Most of them were done while burned out, during months after I tried to get a lot of work done :’) I spam most of them on my twitter nowadays. I keep forgetting to upload stuff over here and for that I apologize “Orz. January was a very productive month for me in general, while February was a burned out month (lots of procrastidoodling, very little of anything else... including work.) I was still obsessed with Zesty during Jan/Feb.The anime iirc was still airing back then and I was still trying to be sociable in the fandom. March started my descent into NieR:Automata hell xD It was also another “try to get a ton of shit done!” month, because NaNoRenO; I had a death wish and decided I could handle paid work and THREE personal projects at the same time. Ha. Hahahaha. =_= (spoiler: that didn’t work.)

April was the heavy burnout month after that. Actually I didn’t do that much procrastidoodling this month and I was in general pretty dead... idk how I managed to get 2 finished pieces done at all O_o; Maybe my procrastidoodling energy was channeled into them somehow...? May was when I threw the towel, decided to take a full break from work and projects, opened commissions and just did whatever I wanted. The Soremiku piece I picked for May was a collab with @alassetasartir​, she did the lines and I did the coloring ^^ June was apparently watercolor month! Also very procrastidoodling-intensive. July and August where... bad. I did pretty much nothing and barely got out of bed to exist (I did 7 things in August. 7. In total. Across all my categories. “Orz). I did work on the Amusement park piece in July-August and that’s my favorite thing I did in 2017, though! And by the end of August, I moved to a new apartment! Where I FINALLY GOT A 2ND ROOM AND COULD HAVE A DESK ALL FOR MYSELF AND MY STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO SHARE IT WITH THE BF!! ;O; I wanted that for 5 years, 5 YEARS!!! *wipes a happy tear*

September and October were “catching up with the work I’ve neglected this year” months. I didn’t get much done in terms of personal things, though, because... work.

November was WORK OR DIE. I did *a lot* of stuff. A lot. I churned out stuff for projects and work like woah. And personal stuff was close to 0. I have only 4 doodles saved from November on my folders, though I may have a couple more on twitter? I tend to screenshot my doodles, post them and not save them ^^; And December has been a summer-hot, slow, short mess of a month; I suspect burnout, bc I can barely draw shit right now... or do anything else, for that matter “Orz. I seriously need to buy an industrial fan for that awfully hot computer room or I won’t survive January =_=; (in case you don;t know, I live on the southern hemisphere, it’s summer here and it’s awful)   As for art, I feel like I improved this year. I’m happy with with what I’ve been able to do and with what I’m able to do when I work hard! I managed to do personal stuff each month, even if it was mostly procrastidoodling, but still! :D I even did finished pieces almost once a month :) And I keep repeating it, but I’m extremely proud of my amusement park piece <3 <3 <3 ...But I’m also upset with how inconsistent I’ve been and still am when it comes to balancing all the shit I have to do and want to do ): Being productive, then burned out, then productive then burned out again has been my jam this year and it hasn’t been healthy at all “Orz.

As for life, it was... bleh. While 2016 was like a rollercoaster, with a lot of high-highs and crashing down lows, 2017 was just a looooong low ride. I went from the social online person I had become in previous years to slowly being a hermit again because I managed to screw things up with some people while I was also, once again, pretty overwhelmed with everything I had on my plate. The depression and debt I was dragging from 2016 plus the burnout cycle kept doing their thing on my mental health, and losing friends and getting dumped didn’t really help; yay bad timing :/ (I deserved being dumped, though; I was neglectful af and bad at communicating, so even if it was understandable bc my mental health was pretty crappy during late 2016-early 2017, it’s not an excuse.) I ended up with a lot of “what’s the point of getting out of bed today” days by the middle of the year. Moving to a new apartment with the BF helped improve a lot of things, though, and for that I’m very grateful! Also having a dog helps a lot, I may feel like a waste of space that can barely exist, but my dog needs to go outside for potty at least twice a day :’D Since then, I’ve been working towards a more balanced life, with more successes than failures, but still not quite there yet. I still have a few days peppered here and there where I feel heavy and sad and unable to get out of bed and I barely eat... but I try to not dwell on them for too long (speaking of which, I should shower and attempt to exist today... “Orz). When I look back and think of the highlights of this year, it’s all stuff that happened to other people around me.  I just... kept struggling with my bad choices and poor mental health to pay the bills, pay my debts and don’t disappoint ppl. But such is life for a lot of folks, isn’t it? So let’s say... the positive highlights of this year were the new apartment and NieR:Automata xD Also @yunalescasakura​ , she’s been a sweetheart this year to me and I don’t deserve her. I believe everything will be better once I manage to finish my project stuff (450+ unpaid hours to go... :’DDD) and I can’t wait for the day that I’m finally free from that to start a new chapter. By this time next year I should be done with projects and will be able to get a better balance!! I JUST HAVE TO ENDURE ONE MORE YEAR!! >_</ What I’m looking forward in 2018, besides finishing all my shit, is to buy a pen display! I’ve been saving slowly for one! I can’t afford a Cintiq, but I’m eyeing an xp-pen 15.6 *v* I also want to try to do traditional art once a week, probably during the weekend... I seriously need a break from drawing on the computer all day, and watercolors and colored pencils relax me so much... I want to buy a good webcam eventually to livestream/record speedpaint videos of it, because I love watching videos of people doing traditional art, haha ^^; Hopefully, in 2018 there will be a couple of Visual Novels released with my art, not counting my own stuff. I’ll also be resuming work on CDC: SideB as a hired artist this time around, since I can’t find the time at all to work on it otherwise. I sincerely hope I’ll be able to find mental space to be sociable in 2018 again, I hate being a hermit “Orz. That’s my goal for 2018: Find balance, kill the burnout cycle and be sociable again!

If you managed to read all of this, thank you. Thanks for being around, thanks for the nice messages that some of you somehow still send me even when I’m barely around anymore. I hope in 2018 I can give back to you all a lot more than I was able to this year. May the new year in ahead of us be full of nice things for everyone!

[mottski]

t update, month two (and a little bit)

has it really been two months, jesus christ

-hairs. so much hairs. i swear to god they don’t come in slowly either, like one day my arm hair only goes to one spot on my biceps and the next day its like a solid inch further. alternatively: i’m very bad at paying close attention to things consistently 

-my voice is stabilizing more. i’m not sure if it’s done dropping yet but i don’t think it’s gonna get much lower. it’s still...a bit inconsistent coming out of my mouth. it’s never cracked (outside of singing) i think bc i’m trained in how to get my voice to do what i want it to, but sometimes i’ll talk in a much lower pitch than i expect. which is nice but slightly odd. 

-speaking of voice, i’m gendered 100% as male over the phone now. it’s that low. its lower than some of my cis coworkers’ voices. its legit fantastic. on the other hand: “thanks man” sounds distressingly close to “thanks ma’am” 

-its also mostly stopped rising in pitch as i wear it out from singing a lot in the car on long drives for work. i can also more consistently belt shit out and it sounds good 

-i’m still forgetting that my body like really, really needs protein so i’ll eat my former amount of breakfast (so like one (1) cereal) at like 10 in the morning and then think i’ll be fine until i get home at like 6:30 at night. big surprise: i’m absolutely not and by like 4 i’m getting hunger shakes. will i someday consistently remember this happens? hell no.

-my creeper stache is in now and i’m torn between liking it and going “god this looks bad” at any given time. BUT!!! i just got minoxidil (the active ingredient in rogaine) at like 45% off on amazon (hell yeah) so i’m smearing that on my face. we’ll see what happens in about two weeks ish, that’s when it tends to start doing hair stuff

-still fighting the good fight against pizza face and still losing. thankfully i didn’t toss out all my concealer cause hooo boy. i probably have 2-3 more months of this puberty bs at the least. 

-mood wise, i’m far more assertive than before, which is generally good. i have big issues standing up for myself and calling out people’s bullshit or mistakes normally. i’m also grouchier of a driver, i’ve noticed. i used to be much more forgiving of people’s dumbass moves on the freeways through here but now i’m like >:|

-my anxiety’s changed, too, which i was wondering about. a trans youtuber mentioned his changing and almost vanishing entirely around two months on T and lo and behold...

-its not actually gone, but i’m less anxious about phone calls and social interactions. i’m more anxious about other things tho, like how i’m being read by cis people, and cis guys in particular, so it’s not like my overall anxiety level’s gone down. it’s just shifted targets. not necessarily bad, tho.

-one of my coworkers is moving, so we’re bringing in a new person which is kinda terrifying. like if someone’s around me for more than a few minute customer interaction, i absolutely do not read as cis and i’m fine with that. i don’t want to read as cis. but that means a new employee is gonna be real confused real quick and i’m just praying we don’t get a transphobe or homophobe 

-the racist with internalized transphobia and homophobia is bad enough, i’d rather not have to deal with more

-SPEAKING OF, he hasn’t misgendered me since that weekend a few weeks back buuut he also hasn’t had the opportunity to refer to me by pronouns alone since then. we’re working sat/sun together next weekend, which i’m already dreading, but god i’m lowkey itching for him to cause boy im gonna snitch on him real fast. i really, really want that opportunity.  r e a l l y     w a n t .

-i think i have a mild allergy to the oil that T is carried in in my injections bc unless i get the very side of the injectable area on my leg, the shot site gets itchy for daaaays and that sucks. it’s not very bad tho, i can deal w/ it. 

-fat distribution has kicked into high gear and i’m Not Liking It. its all migrated from my ass and chest to my stomach and it’s kinda uncomfortable. like yes sure there’s nothing wrong w/being fat or chubby but it makes me feel Soft and Curved and boy howdy do i not like feeling those things. it’s finally nice out here (for the week. iowa weather is extremely crazy and i wouldn’t be surprised if it freezes again) so i’m gonna start walking n stuff i think. 

-my muscles keep on growing and veeeery fast. 

-i think related to that, my body loves it when i stretch. like it feels so good, which is bizarre. like every muscle is like “MMM YES AHHHH STRETCH GOOD” 

-bi update: still gayer than i thought, still finding it mildly hilarious bc here i thought i was a gotdamn lesbian for like two years. 

-its absolutely fucking bizarre how differently cis men treat you if they ID you as female vs male. on deliveries its so much more relaxed and friendly now that i’m 99% ID’d as a younger man vs how it was when i was ID’d as a woman. its legitimately wild and kinda disturbing. like wtf, cis men. w t f 

i think that’s it, eyy