#all the rest were unpaid internship sponsored by the unemployment agency

[ambre-gris]

the struggle just got too real...

i was told to take up a large chunk of a colleague's work, because their contract didn't get extended due to budgeting reasons. this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, meaning i give up practically all of my current (kinda like system admin) tasks to 2 of my colleagues (i need to teach them everything from the basics). i would retain admin tasks to 1 system i manage, but the thing is, i don't have admin rights there, i need to e-mail a different team to do the required changes. so i'll basically give up all my work to do take care of 1 demanding customer's process.

my boss and i sat down yesterday, i voiced concerns about my ability to do this new job well. then, my boss pulls up a memo of my mistakes and failures to meet project deadlines and keep customers informed in a timely manner, from 2023 until now and says it's an exceptionally large amount of mistakes and... well, screw ups. but i am still being appointed to this task which requires even more precision and punctuality.

i was appointed to my current job in a hurry, when my colleague (who was teaching me) had to direct their energy to a big customer coming in. they had managed a total of 3 different applications housing at least 3 customers each, all alone. i had applied (and chosen) for this position back in 2021 and waited over 6 months for some direction, until shit hit the fan and i had to quickly learn the ropes so i could sub for my colleague during their summer vacation. ok, that wasn't ideal but i rolled with it.

however, the switch of responsibilities wasn't clear. it basically gradually shifted to me, and at one point was just dumped onto me when it became evident my colleague didn't have enough time. anyhow. i know i have struggled with keeping documentation up to date and to my utmost chagrin, even customer communication has been subpar. one instance in the memo was about a customer filing a complaint about my lack of communication back in february. wow, then i was in a process with a psychiatrist to figure out what meds i should be taking bc i needed to get my shit together as i was feeling overwhelmed with everything. i knew i wasn't doing well but not sure if i had disclosed my struggles at that point. i did later, but i also don't want to use it as an excuse - i want to take responsibility but i still feel this is my punishment and a way to set me up for failure so they can kick me to the curb once i've imparted all my information to my colleagues.

on top of all this, when i asked my boss if she knew this was going to be a temporary arrangement, she said she has no information except that as far as she knows, we're really tight on money. i don't think i'll be getting my job back. i fought so hard to get here, too... but i know i messed up on the bureaucratic stuff. i should have gotten my shit together sooner, and i thought it was getting better after i started my meds. *sigh* guess i was wrong.

i'm finding it extremely difficult to keep motivated and to meet the demands to constantly log, document, save dozens of reports to different folders... and on top of that, teaching my colleagues the ropes and working with them in projects until they can take over. just to lose everything i fought for and patiently waited for.

i wish they had fired me instead of letting the person go who was doing the job i'll be doing...