#all the rest that followed i will sneakily blame on cuubism

[magnusbae]

Now the issue is as follows:

@cuubism came out and pleasantly and calmly explained something that is BATSHIT CRAZY. And me? Me? Well, I don't have the energy to preach as it deserves HOWEVER.

While this is a shared, loving, custody. Canonverse is cuubism passion child, and human verse is my compulsive obsession, and so, I would like to ELABORATE EVEN MORE.

Death and HOB have the most functional, most communicative, open relationship ever imagined. They have set rules (not bringing hookups home, etc) and they respect each other a lot. Both are well adjusted and well functioning adults.

That is until Dream, Death's little brother needs to crush at their place for a couple of weeks— Hob sees him and stumbles OVER THE SUITCASE he's been trying to help Dream carry up the stairs.

He's obsessed, IMMEDIATELY, captivated, looking at him like a fool because he's the prettiest thing he's ever seen (sorry death you are a goddess but......hob is in deep) and while Hob's and Death's relationship is VERY open, he does not think it stretches as far as HER LITTLE BROTHER.

Meanwhile he's using EVERY moment to dote on Dream. Because something about him just screams PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME. And while Death is independent, adjusted and in no need for doting. Dream awakens EVERY SINGLE CAVEMEN DOTING CELL in Hob. Hob just wants to COOK FOR HIM, AND LISTEN TO HIM AND DOTE ON HIM like mad.

Meanwhile Dream is like: WHAT IS THIS, IS THIS.....CARE?!

Eventually the events Cuubism mentioned unfolds, and Death gives her blessing to Hob, YET HOB TAKES FOREVER TO EVEN MAKE A MOVE ON DREAM. More like he just compliments him, and a LOT. And Dream just.... falls for it.

There's nothing OUTWARD happening, just Hob casually sitting and listening to Dream talk for 4 hours looking him in the eyes like this:

And Dream just...without realizing it ends up in Hob's lap.

Hob was asking Dream all sorts of leading questions about a topic Dream is passionate about, and Dream talks, talks for hours without realizing it. Opening up, feeling safe and comfortable to share his inner thoughts. He's getting closer as he talks and at some point Hob is laughing and wraps his arms around Dream, teasing him, and Dream just ends up in his lap and STAYS THERE.

Hob is basically DOTING on Death's BABY BROTHER and he CANNOT get enough of him, And it's all with DEATH'S BLESSING.

She was only like "Just not in my face Hob, have some manners" and that's all. Because for real, if Hob likes him so much, might as well, and Dream could use someone normal (which she is questioning after seeing Hob walking face straight into an open door because he was staring at Dream yawning and stretching at th kitchen table)

Dream is VERY upset because he LIKES Hob so much but he's his sister's bf???? And he really doesn't care it's his sister it's more like, he cares a lot that it's ???? lying ????? he hates???? lying?????

So eventually WHEN HE ACCIDENTLY KISSES HOB, HE JUST COMES to death like, deeply upset, I'm sorry sister your boyfriend is horrible and--

And then as Cube said, Death is just "It took him that long to hit on you? What a pussy, he asked me ages ago" And therefore DREAM IS STUCK IN THE ODDEST SITUATION WHERE??? HE LIVES??? WITH HIS SISTER??? AND THE GUY SHE SORT OF DATES??? WHO ALSO SORT OF DATES HIM?!?!?!?

And Dream unlike Death is the FURTHEST FROM BEING WELL ADJUSTED, FUN, AND CASUAL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

But the thing is--------- Hob is chill and down to earth enough to literally DATE DREAM. Like yes, he and Death have an amazing thing going but they do not date and it was always clear between them.

So if Dream wishes o be exclusives....... yes, yes Hob can and will do it.

So Dream would have his HobToy (copymarked to cuubism) all to himself.

Therefore resulting in the following meme update:

Re: canonverse, it's been cuubism's love child for the longest time she's the only one who can tell this story properly.

P.S.2 while this IS my passion child, it was raised and made to be with cuubism, it is OUR silly crazy au

would you be ok elaborating on the hob/death post? I already adore Hob and death friendship arcs and Hob/death as a concept and I would LOVE to hear more

*cracks knuckles* so--

there are actually two separate AUs. the canonverse one, and the human AU one.

i pitched the canonverse one to @magnusbae thus:

extremely funny au where hob and death have been casually hooking up since 1389 and dream finally confesses his feelings in like 2050 and hob's like ah. should i stop hooking up with your sister then? and dream's like should you stop doing WHAT?

basically. in the six billion years it takes dream to get his shit together and admit to his own feelings for hob, hob and death have just been having loads of no-strings-attached sexy fun in the background (death: you snooze, you lose, dream! *sticks tongue out*)

dream is very perturbed by this, he's like hello that's MY toy?? give it BACK???? I HAD IT FIRST!!!!!!!!!

(we don't headcanon hob and death actually dating, by the way. they're just pals who hook up sometimes. they're very chill about it. dream is the only one who's not chill about it because he wants All Of Hob's Attention All The Time NOW)

tldr:

The human AU version:

Hob and Death are roommates/friends/fuckbuddies who have this lowkey open relationship thing going on. they're having a great time in their casual but well-communicated healthy relationship.

enter Dream, least well-adjusted person on the planet, also Death's younger brother, who's staying with her for a while. and as soon as Dream arrives Death has to watch her formerly reasonable friend Hob disintegrate into a haze of utter Simp Behavior and insanity, and she's like oh boy. this is gonna get interesting.

meanwhile Dream is like handsome... guy... being nice... to me... 😳 *falling down the stairs*

Hob is into him so fast it's embarrassing and eventually Death yanks him aside and just gives him a look. And so like the mature adults they are they do talk about it and Death is like, dude, we aren't dating, you can do whatever you want. Besides, I'd rather have my brother be with someone I actually know and like rather than his other disastrous relationships (though Death is swiftly learning that Hob is much more unhinged than she'd previously thought. Dream brings all of it out in him). So Hob's like cool I'll flirt with your brother

NO ONE TELLS DREAM ABOUT IT

Dream is under the impression that Hob and Death are actually dating. So the more Hob flirts with him the more Dream is like 👀🤔 and he's kind of in love with Hob because ohh Hob is so kind and handsome and he listens to everything Dream says and he's so charming... but he also kind of hates Hob because how dare he cheat on Death and how dare he make Dream want him like that?

Death: so are you and Hob getting along well?

Dream: no. I hope Hob falls off a cliff and dies.

Death:.... alright thanks for the input

But Dream does just keep indulging his worse impulses and one day he just finds himself sitting in Hob's lap on the couch in Death's apartment while Hob listens to him talk and he's just like: oh my god I'm a homewrecker

Dream, later: Sister. Your shitty boyfriend is cheating on you

Death: ....did it actually take Hob this long to ask you out? we talked about it ages ago

Dream: ...

TLDR: