#all the ones I’m thinking of are riffs on wedding vows and that feels. not quite right

[kingofanemptyworld]

slowly chipping away at the soulmate au because I’m too in love with this idea to let it go for too long

[cloveroctobers]

SHEA BUTTER BABY | S. James

Requested by: @theshyprincess “Can I get a spencer James getting married and smut biracial if I’m not bothering you I really like your writing”

A/N: decided to do this in hc form, hope that’s cool? And it’s been my thing lately anyways lol. Hope you like this one! I also hope I channeled Spencer well 🙃

WARNINGS: light smut + some curse words ofc!

We all know Spencer takes the world on his shoulders; when his finds you, you become his world

You meet freshman year in university, specifically on the football field and decided to invite him to a sorority party because what’s the best way to start off your freshman year? A little party never hurt nobody

Except it did, things got rowdy resulting with a huge ass knot on your forehead and losing consciousness for a few minutes

You expected Spencer to dip like any other asshole dude would have but you were shocked that he actually came to your aid and walked you back to your dorm even tho you had a “big ass egg” growing from your forehead

You could laugh about it a little then, but more so now

He actually asked for your number before you departed, even tho you thought you majorly screwed whatever this was up but he wanted to see you again and you were more than happy to oblige

It was instant friendship with a touch of flirtations but you knew that he recently got out of some heartbreak from his senior year of high school and you had no choice but to respect that he wasn’t looking for a relationship right now

Day by day you became the best of friends spending majority of your time together while also getting to know each other’s outside friends and family, you became each other’s family

It was end of sophomore year where Spencer decided he wanted to give it a go but it was your turn to be leery since you watched him go through some girls but he never flaunted that in front of you, yet you always knew

You didn’t want to be his last option

“You could never be that, y/n. You’re so much more than what you think I think of you.”

Words of affirmation is definitely Spencer’s love language and he had no problem saying how he felt about you

He openly admitted that he was confused at first, trying to fight with his inner self on taking your friendship into the love zone. He’s always gone the friendship route first before it turned into romance—well maybe not with Kia but his past two relationships he did

He was not only confused but nervous and you made him work a little bit to get a date from you but you didn’t hold out for too long since you felt Spencer was your person

You took things slow but you still felt like friends except now you held onto each other a little longer and touches seem to burn now but you liked it, really liked it

Senior year is when he proposes, he’s actually the second out of his group of friends back home to get engaged...JJ was the first and actually went through with the marriage after one drunken night in vegas with some girl who was studying physical therapy

Sure it’s only been two years but like your grandmother always says, “when you feel a pull in your heart whenever they’re not around, they’re the one baby.” And your grandparents got married only after knowing each other for four months. Every love is different

You were a sappy mess and Spencer found it humorous while slipping the ring on and embracing you, “we not doing that. Save it until the wedding, huh?”

And he gets a few nice whacks to the chest but he can take it ofc as he’s kissing you so gently

It’s a private moment and you wouldn’t have it any other way

A year and a few months after you graduate, Spencer gets drafted into the NFL and you’re still searching for a job you majored in

You’re both living apart with you going back to your hometown in Arizona and Spencer in Cali. Things aren’t easy but you’ve been planning your wedding and it feels like Spencer is just saying he’s okay with everything which is frustrating. You don’t want to do this alone and you need to find a place to live together, you didn’t want to live with Spencer’s mom and brother as much as you loved them. You were both adults and needed to take the wheel

Yet it always felt like Spencer was busy planning on putting further distance between you since he was secure in his career and you just felt stuck

That caused a riff between you two but Spencer didn’t like that silent treatment bs. You were gonna talk to him one way or another

Once you get through it, which you definitely do!! it’s pure heaven and you couldn’t be happier

You get married at a banquet hall

You both have a lot friends and family that’ve invited

Your best friends + sibs are your best men, bridesmaids, maid of honor

Spencer leaves a chair open for his dad up front with his mom and brother 🥲

Initially you were going to have your guests pick whatever seat they wanted and just have your immediate family have the front areas but you knew that would probably end up hectic with the strong personalities you had within your friend and family group so you kept it traditional. Your family/friends on one side and spence’s family/friends on the other

Memorable wedding, you were gorgeous and he was so handsome. You loved when Spencer got dressed up, it did something to you and you couldn’t wait for your honeymoon

It wouldn’t be anything over the top like The Bakers tried to gift you with, you just wanted something simple but nice with the man you loved

You were going to Palm Springs the next morning!!! Spending the night in the hotel

You were going to hold out even longer until the night you reached your honeymoon destination 😌

Spencer wanted the both of you to write your own vows and you sure didn’t know how you would compete with this guy. Spencer James always had a way with words!!!

He ofc had you a sobbing mess again but you knew it was never about out-showing the other

when you seal your marriage with a kiss, his hands rest securely on your hips with your hand cradling his jaw and you’re all smiles as the hall fills with cheers

“I love you, Mrs. James.” He’s got that smirk of a smile on his lips and love in his eyes

“As do I, Mr. James.” And you can’t wipe the smile from your own lips even if you tried

One thing you both know how to do is party so the reception goes on for awhile, until about 3 am even tho you both have to be on the road by 10 or a little later since check in isn’t until early afternoon

You’re both so giddy you can hardly sleep but you eventually do, you in your dress + Spencer in his dress shirt but he’s lost the tie and loosened his pants

Since Palm Springs is a 2 hr drive you’re reminiscing on how you basically taught Spencer how to drive and look at how far he’s come now with the rental you’re both using for 4 days and 3 nights

“so it’s my fault you don’t know how to instruct?” Which leads to harmless bickering over spencer’s road trip playlist

it’s been agreed that you each had an hour to play your playlists then for the left over minutes you’d listen to the radio once you got to your destination

your airbnb is REAL colorful and modern, not exactly your tastes but nonetheless it was your getaway from home. You were used to the desert while spencer? Not so much

“the hell was that?” Spencer is dodging and weaving especially if they fly

“looks like fire ants.” keep your distance.” “Why do you know what that is?” “I get stuck watching discovery channel with my dad when I can’t sleep and he’s always up. I saw one episode about them and we don’t want to mess with those bastards.”

you don’t do much with the rest of your day there, just enjoying each other’s company in the air bnb

You decide to shower while Spencer is ordering y’all your dinner from grubhub and deciding what you’re going to watch on firestick that you bought with you

you tend to take long showers so you’re just about done rubbing shea butter into your skin when Spencer announces that the food is here through the door

when you step out you’re on a mission with your silk robe, bustier, and garter

although you kept your own values of saving yourself until marriage—while Spencer was way more experienced you didn’t feel as nervous to get intimate with the man of your dreams

but that changed the moment his set his eyes on you

“what’s this?” He smirks, popping a fry into his mouth

You’re playing coy as your skin shines, leaning over to steal one of his fries. “My pajamas.”

He’s amused but definitely turned on, “oh aight, so that’s just the norm for you now?”

“I could change.” You pointed back to the where the bathroom sat

“I ain’t say all that, Mrs. James.” Spencer blinks then lifts his head upwards, “c’mere.”

And you move to sit on his lap with excitement even tho you think you hide it pretty well. You’ve always pictured how this would be and you knew from stories from your cousins and friends that half of them didn’t have the most romantic experience...

You didn’t need the rose petals and candles but you knew Spencer was a romantic at heart, plus you had plenty of time to see what was up his sleeve and knew this wouldn’t be the only time as of tonight. You were hoping!!!

“Are we starting dinner?” You ask, wrapping an arm across his shoulders but his eyes are set only on you

“I’m hungry for somethin’ else right now,” his nose presses against your beating throat, “and it just walked in here, looking good enough for this appetite.”

Now he’s kissing on your neck and when he gets to that sweet spot behind your ear he’s got the confirmation he needs but he needs to hear you say it. And he asks with his eyes which you reply with a dip of your head

Now he’s got his hands underneath your thighs, locking your legs around his waist for you and he’s off to your temporary bedroom

He’s always so gentle with you, even when he’s laying you down on this bed

“I promise the next time we do this, I’ll make the place look special for you.” He says into your neck and your nod as you feel the weight of him against you

You’re gasping for breath before he’s been fully touched you yet, “we still have the tub and a couple of days.”

He breathes out a laugh, “that we do. That we do.” Before your lips are brought back together

You know you are loved with the way Spencer touches you and speaks to you even in your most intimate moment

He builds you up before he gives himself all to you. It’s something you heard about, SEEN and knew it was crucial but you didn’t want to put too much logic in this moment. You don’t think you can even think straignt with the way you’re on fire for Spencer rn

And he’s know that but he needs you to be patient, he knows how to take his time. And he should know what he’s doing...he does

He’s seeing what your body likes, he’s watching his face even when you begin to whine for him

He knows when you’re truly ready even when you’re begging

He gives you your first climax with his mouth and you know you need more because you knew how much you loved his lips but you loved them even more now

“even better than I imagined,” he says with a lick of his lips from below before pressing a kiss on your abdomen and you’re still seeing stars

“you okay up there?” He asks. He’s always seeking reassurance from you. That’s too important to him, you’re too important to him

You have to say it as your vision slowly starts to splat back to normal, “I need you i-in— but there’s heat pooling in your cheeks. You’re a bit shy now as you’re getting in your head wondering how you must have sounded or looked in that moment of your first climax but it didn’t seem as if Spencer was disappointed. He seemed just as happy to please

He knows what you need. He worked with your body up to this moment

So he’s kissing up your body, slow and soft. He looks into your eyes before he glances over to grab his wallet from the night stand to grab protection

you didn’t think this far ahead but part of you wanted to know if there was a difference without, ofc you knew the risks without and you had forever to try so you made no comment about the choice to use protection

You wanted to do the honors, and so you did

You were surely in awe to be this close and personal with something you get to have for a lifetime

“Careful, something might fly in there.”

You can’t help but you roll your eyes and snort as Spencer places a kiss to your cheek before he reaches up to lock your hands together and up over your head, your wedding bands contrasting against the bright orange walls and your shea butter skin

“I’m ready.” You whisper, your eyes shifting from Spencer’s deep brown eyes to where your bodies would connect

Spencer hums as he keeps his eyes on yours before lining up, he has to free one of his hands to guide

and your mouth falls open with a slight arch in your back

He doesn’t move right away, he needs to be sure

when you lock both legs around his hips, tugging him closer than close to you, fully allowing him in your space, you then squeeze your hands tighter together, never wanting to let go

Spencer James was all you ever needed and you were more than thrilled to continue this journey of life with him

[johnsbleu]

Hold My Hand: John Wick x Reader Chapter 87

warnings: nsfw hmh masterlist

It’s the day before your wedding and as happy as you are, you’re starting to get stressed out. John is being an absolute saint and doing everything that you’re telling him to do, but even you can tell that he’s a little nervous. He finished cleaning the living room floors, he swept the patio, and even tested the lights out to make sure they work. You don’t know who is more excited to get married: you or him.

You had ordered some cookies from the bakery down the road that were for your gift bags, and you also had some cupcakes made instead of a wedding cake. You and John will have a small cake that the two of you will cut, of course, but as for the guests, you felt it was a better idea to just get cupcakes.

You’ve just stopped by the bakery with Tess to get all of the desserts, and now you’re on your way to her in laws so she can get Finn. Since she’s been so busy with helping you out, she brought Finn to their house and he stayed there for the night. It’s only been less than 24 hours, but you can tell she misses him a lot.

“Okay, I’ll just go grab him and then I’ll be back out.” she says, hopping out of the car.

You watch Tess as she walks into the house, then you sit back a little and relax, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself down, “You’re getting married, but there’s no need to be so stressed out. Everything is going according to plan. Mom is here, Tess is here, John is a saint -- how the hell did I get so lucky?”

You feel your phone vibrating in your pocket, and you pull it out to see that John has texted you.

By this time tomorrow, you’ll be Mrs. Wick. I can’t wait. I love you.

You smile as you read the text, then you text John back: I’ll be home in 20 minutes. I demand a big kiss when I see you. I love you endlessly, Jonathan.

The back passenger door opens and Tess hooks Finn’s car seat in, then she gets back in the car and exhales loudly, “I’m exhausted.”

“Good thing we’re done for the day.” you say as you back out of the driveway, “John has taken care of everything already. He’s been up since 5. Actually I’m not entirely sure he even went to bed.”

Tess laughs, “He’s so excited for tomorrow.”

“He is, but he’s also very nervous. I don’t know why, but John can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that I’m…” you look over your shoulder a little when you remember Finn is in the car, and Tess waves her hand.

“You can swear. He’s a month old, he doesn’t know what the fuck you’re saying.”

“Okay, well, John can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that I’m fucking crazy about him. I am head over heels in love with him.” you say, letting out a small laugh, “I mean, I get that he’s nervous. Last time he got married, he didn’t really get that life for very long.”

“Yeah, I get that.” Tess nods, looking over at you, “Have you written your vows yet?”

You grimace a little and shake your head, “No. I know that’s terrible, but I sit down to write them and my mind goes blank.”

“You could write them with John. That’s what Jimmy and I did. We riff off of each other, so it felt a lot more natural when we read them.” she says, shrugging a little, “You and John are doing them in private, so I guess you don’t even really need to write them.”

Exhaling loudly, you shrug a little, “Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sure John has his written, and I’m sure it’s beautiful and I’ll cry.”

Tess laughs, “John could read the recipe for how to bake a cake, and you’d cry.”

“Shut up!” you laugh loudly as you pull into your driveway. John jogs over to your car when you park in the garage, then he smiles and opens your door, “Hi, John.”

“Hi, baby.” he leans in the car and presses his lips to yours hard, then he leans back to look at you as he smiles. He laughs, leaning back in again, “One more.”

You rub your thumb against John's bottom lip and smile, “Your lip healed up nicely.”

“Yup,” John nods, leaning in for another big wet kiss.

“God, save it for your wedding night.” Tess teases as she gets Finn out of the car.

You smile when John winks at you, and you kiss him once more before you walk inside to see your mom and Jimmy sitting on the couch talking. He gets up and walks over to get Finn from Tess, then they all sit back down on the couch. John puts the sweets in the kitchen, then he grabs your waist and pulls you into his lap when he sits down on the chair.

“So, baby, do you have all of your little…things? You know, those things…” your mom says, snapping her fingers.

“Really narrowing it down there, mom.” you laugh, and you scoot back in John’s lap a little. “Oh, ‘something old, something new’, yeah, uh, no, I don’t have all of those things yet. Something new, I suppose would be my dress.”

“I gave you something borrowed. I gave you my bracelet that I wore on my wedding day.” Tess says, taking Finn out of his car seat so she can feed him.

Your mom smiles as she pulls out a small box, and she gets up to hand it to you, “This was the fabric from Grandma’s wedding dress. I unfortunately never got married, but before she passed, she gave me this. I figured I could sew it around your bouquet, or even into the bottom of your dress. Tess already had a piece for her dress.”

You pull out the white lace and smile as you rub it between your finger and thumb, “Thanks, mom. I love it. So I have something old, something new, something borrowed, but now I need something blue.”

John sits up and little, then he pats your leg so you’ll get up, “I’ll be right back.”

“Are you getting nervous, honey?” your mom asks, and you nod.

“A little,” you shrug as you exhale, “I just want everything to go well, and I just want John to be happy.”

Looking up, you see John coming back out with a smile on his face, and you furrow your brow a little when you look at him. He gestures to Bleu as he trots over to you, and you laugh when you lean forward to pet him.

“I got something blue,” John laughs, kneeling down in front of you and pointing at Bleu’s nice blue collar.

“Oh, yes, how could I forget my handsome guy?” you say, scratching his ears. “He’s our something Bleu.”

__

You’ve been clinging to John’s side all day since you know that the two of you won’t spend tonight together. You’re not very traditional and you don’t really care for all that stuff, but your mom said that the two of you shouldn’t see each other before you read your vows at least, so John will be staying with Jimmy.

“I hope the bed will be comfortable enough for you.” you frown a little, “I don’t want you to be in pain tomorrow.”

John turns around and wraps his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him, “I’ll be fine, peach. Don’t worry about me. I want you to get some good rest tonight.”

“I’m going to be home alone.” you lean against John and frown even more. “Just me in this big house.”

“Not so fast!” Tess says, walking over to you, “I will be staying here with you, and you and I can get shit faced and do face masks, and we’ll have a dance party.”

You smile, looking over at her, “Really? You’d stay with me?”

“Of course! We can order a pizza and talk about John.” she says, nudging John’s arm. “You can tell me all of his secrets.”

Nodding your head, you laugh loudly and look at John, “Yeah, definitely.”

“Well, I can’t wait to hear what these two boys will tell me about my girls.” your mom says, and you cock up an eyebrow to warn John not to share too many details.

John smiles a little and hugs you tighter to his side, then the two of you walk down to the pavilion by yourselves to check it out. The tables and chairs that you’ve rented were dropped off earlier this afternoon and they’re already set up, thanks to John and Jimmy.

In less than 24 hours, you’ll officially be Mrs. Wick, and it’s kind of hard to wrap your head around. A year ago, you never even imagined that this is where you’d end up. You met John and instantly fell in love with him, which is understandable. Look at him!

John walks around the pavilion to make sure everything is set up perfectly, and you smile a little when he fixes a chair. He looks up at you and stops what he’s doing, and he stares back at you as you both start to smile.

“Tomorrow, Wick.” you say softly as you begin to tear up a little.

There’s a bit of pep in John’s step as he walks over to you and throws his arms around you. He lifts you off the ground and you wrap your legs around his waist as the two of you kiss passionately. You cup John’s face in your hands as you lean back to look at him, and your heart nearly bursts when you see the tears in John’s eyes.

“I can’t wait to marry you.” he whispers, then he kisses your cheek and sets you back on the ground. He pulls you closer to him, then he slides his hands into your back pockets, “I can’t wait to see you in your dress. I’ll never be able to keep my hands to myself tomorrow.”

You cock up an eyebrow, “Who says you have to? I’ll be your wife. Can you believe that? John, you’re getting married. I think I’m more excited for you than I am for myself. Well, I am pretty excited for myself. I can’t believe I’m getting married, and on top of it, I’m getting married to you. Jackpot!”

John cups your face in your hands, then he tilts your head back a little, “I can’t believe I get to marry you. I really lucked out this time.”

“I’m gonna miss you tonight.” you whisper as you stand on your tiptoes to kiss John, “Wish I could sleep in your arms. I hate that my mom convinced you that we shouldn’t see each other.”

“Well, we’re not doing anything the traditional way, we might as well have one tradition.” he laughs.

“We are doing plenty of things the traditional way, but I get it.” you roll your eyes playfully as you look away from John.

“I should go pack my bag.” John says, and he holds tight to you as he starts to walk back to the house. He turns around for you to hop on his back as the two of you laugh, and you bury your face in the crook of his neck, kissing him and tickling him.

You start to get off of John when he gets to the stairs, but he keeps a tight grip on you to keep you from getting down. When he gets into the bedroom, he finally plops you down on the bed, then he widens his eyes when he sees your dress is in a black garment bag hanging in the closet.

“Don’t peek!”

“I won’t, I won’t. I want to, but I won’t.” he laughs and pulls out a duffle bag to pack some things that he’ll need.

You watch John as he grabs out some boxers and a nice pair of dress socks, then he walks over to the closet and pulls out the garment bag that his suit is in. He opens it to make sure everything is okay still, then he squints his eyes at you a little when you lean over to look at it.

“Hey,” you whisper a little and look up at John, “Where do you want to read our vows? In here? Or maybe somewhere else?”

John sits down next to you and puts his hand on your thigh, “I was thinking that maybe we could do it down by the lake where I proposed. No guests will be here yet, so it might be kind of nice down there. The weather is supposed to be really nice too, so Tess can get some pictures.”

“Yeah, I want her to get some pictures of you seeing me for the first time.” you smile, feeling your cheeks turning red, “You’re gonna cry, I just know it.”

John nods his head, “I will, without a doubt.”

You lay back on the bed and close your eyes, and you feel your head spin a little. The bed shifts as John lays down next to you, and you open your eyes to look at him, holding his gaze for a moment before he leans over to kiss you.

“I wish I could marry you this very minute. I don’t want to wait any longer.”

You laugh, “Well, Jimmy is just downstairs.”

John immediately sits up and widens his eyes in shock, “Wait, can we?”

“So, you don’t want to have a wedding? You want to just sit on the bed and say ‘yes, Jimmy, I do take this wonderful woman to be my wife’?”

John flops back next to you and looks over at you again, “No, I want you to have the wedding of your dreams. I know you want this.”

“I do.” you nod, looking over at John, “But I would also be more than happy to sit on this bed right here and marry you.”

As fast as he can, John gets up and lays down on top of you, and you grunt a little under his weight. The two of you start to laugh when you hear the noise you’ve just made, and you’re almost in tears because you’re laughing so damn hard. John puts his forehead against yours as he laughs, then he presses a kiss to it as he gets off of you when he hears people coming up the stairs. You and John are still laughing as your mom and Tess walk into the room, and Tess looks at you both and smiles.

“What’s so funny?” Tess asks, and John begins to laugh again as he stands up to finish packing his bag.

“Just John being a goof.” you say as you sit back on the bed a little, “We were just talking about where we want to read our vows, and we decided on the lake since the weather will be nice and you can get some good pictures of us.”

Tess nods, “That’s a great idea. I’ll get some pictures of him when he sees you, then when you do your vows, I’ll just…back up a little to give you two some peace, but just know that I will still be taking pictures.”

“Sounds good to me, Tess.” John says, then he zips his bag shut.

“Got your toothbrush?” you ask, and John nods. “Toothpaste? Deodorant? Shampoo?”

“Baby, I’m just across the street. If I need anything anyway, I’m sure Jimmy would let me borrow something.” he says, cupping your cheek.

You lean into his palm a little more and smile when you look up at him, “Okay, just making sure.”

“And I’m not leaving yet, it’s 2 in the afternoon. I’m just packing my bag.” he says, sitting down next to you. “I actually was wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner tonight.”

Looking up at John, you smile and nod, “Of course.”

John smiles as he leans down to kiss you, “It’s a date then.”

Your mom is standing in the doorway with her hand over her mouth to keep herself from sobbing uncontrollably, but she sniffles and causes you to look over at her, “Damn! I said I wasn’t going to cry yet.”

“Mom!” you laugh as you walk over to hug her, “Don’t cry.”

She shakes her hands a little and laughs, “I’m sorry, I just can’t believe my girls are both married. Tess has a baby, and I’m sure you won’t be far behind.”

“Well,” you shrug a little, “We hope.”

“They’re definitely trying, mom.” Tess says, and you jab her with your elbow, “What? God, you act like mom doesn’t know that you have sex.”

“Tess!” you shove her again and look over at John, who has hidden in the bathroom. You look back at Tess and give her a disapproving look, “I know you just do that stuff to embarrass John.”

She laughs, “It’s just so fun.”

__

John planned a nice romantic dinner for the two of you to help take your mind off of the wedding planning, and the restaurant he chose in the city is one you’ve never been to before. The atmosphere is nice and romantic with candles and dimmed lights, and there’s even a little dance floor with a band. Your booth is tucked away in the back to give the two of you some privacy, and instead of sitting across the table, John is sitting right next to you.

“This was really good.” you say, relaxing back against the booth. “Thank you.”

John nods as he continues eating, “Sorry, I’m starving.”

You laugh as you lean forward to take a piece of bread from John’s plate, “It’s okay, keep eating.”

“Here,” John cuts a piece of his steak and feeds it to you, then he presses a kiss to your lips, “It’s good, huh?”

You nod, “It’s very good.”

John continues eating for a few moments, then he sits back and looks at you, “Would you like to go for a walk down by the river?”

“Where we went on our first date? It’s not far from here.”

“Yeah,” he nods, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, “What do you say?”

Looking up at John, you pop the piece of bread in your mouth and nod, “Sounds perfect.”

__

You and John are walking hand in hand along the river, and he stops to lean over the railing and look down at the water. There are a few boats on the river still and since it’s getting dark out, they all have their lights on. There’s one boat that’s lit up pretty brightly, and you smile as you nudge John.

“Looks like a wedding.” you look up at him and laugh, “Should have done a wedding on a boat.”

John laughs, “Someone would end up getting sick and throwing up all over everything.”

“Probably Jimmy.” you say, and John laughs quietly as he nods his head.

Leaning against John’s shoulder, you wrap your right arm around his bicep and intertwine your left hand with his. He leans over to press a kiss to your forehead, then he smiles when you look up at him.

“I can’t believe we’re getting married tomorrow.” he says quietly, keeping his gaze straight ahead. “I can’t believe you haven’t run away yet.”

“John,” you say with a sigh as you nudge him, “I’m not going anywhere.”

He nods his head, then looks down at you, “I know, I just…still think this isn’t what I deserve sometimes. A nice peaceful life. A nice peaceful life with you most of all. I’ve always had this sense of normalcy that I’ve craved, and even when I was with Helen, I still didn’t quite have it because I never told her about my life.”

“Yeah, I understand that.”

John turns to face you and reaches for your hands, “You’re not a replacement to me, you’re not just someone I picked to help replace the life that I had with Helen. You’re someone who I want around, you’re someone I want to share my life with, you’re someone who I want to bring children into this world with.”

You smile as you nod, “I know, Jonathan.”

“Those five years that I had with Helen were amazing, and I can say that I really did love her. I did. I loved her so much, and I loved the life that she and I were building together. But she’s not here anymore.”

You look over your shoulder at the bench behind the two of you, and you pull John to sit down, “John, why are you saying all of this?”

“Because I want you to know that I’m marrying you. I am all in.”

You chuckle a little, “I know that, babe. Of course I know you’re all in. I don’t think you’re the type to do something if you’re not all in.”

John nods, then he looks up at you, “I know you sometimes wonder if I think about Helen and how my life would be if she were still here, but I don’t think about it. I know you very well, and I know you’re too good of a person to ever bring it up because you’d never want to hurt my feelings.”

“Well, yeah.” you shrug.

“I love Helen, but it’s not the same anymore. I can look back on my years with Helen and think about what a great time we had together. Even though I was with her for five years, it flew by. It was a fleeting glimpse of happiness, which is now proceeded by my endless happiness I have with you. And…” John looks down and takes a deep breath, “This might sound…bad, but here goes, I guess. If Helen…hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have met you. So, in a way, I’m thankful that that happened, and now I know how that sounds…”

You nod as you look at John, “I get it. You went through a lot, and it hurts and it sucks, but everything you went through, it led you to me.”

“As time has gone on, I think about her less. I still love her, and I always will. That will never change. Her passing seemed like the death of me as well, and the death of a life I so desperately wanted, but I walked outside one day and I saw the most beautiful woman,” he says, rubbing his thumb against your chin, “And I realized companionship, family, happiness, it was all something that I could still have. And I have it all with you.”

Sniffling a little, you look up at John and smile, “I love you.”

“I love you.” he says firmly, almost like he’s trying to get it through your head -- as if you didn’t already know John loves you. “I love Helen, but it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you. If all that has happened in my life hadn’t happened, you and I wouldn’t be here, and we wouldn’t be bringing a child into this world. We are together because we’re meant to be together. We are meant to bring a baby into this world. No matter the time, no matter what universe. You and I are meant to be. There’s no other explanation.”

You laugh a little, “Pump the breaks there, Wick. We’re not bringing a child into this world right now.”

John laughs as he leans back on the bench, “Well, we will eventually.”

“We have been having a lot of sex lately.” you say, sliding your hand up John’s thigh as he looks at you. “Yeah, we’re not pregnant, but we will be soon. I feel it in my bones.”

Chuckling softly, John wraps his right arm around your shoulder and pulls you closer to his side, and the two of you look out across the city at the skyline.

“I know that you love Helen and I in different ways, and I’ve always appreciated how you’ve always made me feel special no matter what.” you smile at John and turn to him, “You’ve allowed us to create the relationship that we want. You’ve allowed us to fall in love in our own way. I have never felt like you didn’t love me, and I’ve never felt like you loved Helen more. To be honest, I never really thought about who you loved more, because I never felt like I was in competition with her in that way. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I totally felt a little competition.”

John laughs, “Oh, I definitely remember the night you found the picture in the safe. Very dramatic, Mrs. Wick.”

Looking down, you let out a small laugh, “I really love how much you loved Helen, and I know how big her impact was on your life. She helped shape you into the man you are today and I’m forever grateful for that. I wish she could be here to see how happy you are, which makes absolutely no sense, because if she was here, I wouldn’t be here, but you get what I mean.”

“I get what you mean.” John laughs, and he looks over at you and tucks your hair behind your ear. “She really would like you, baby. I think she’d be very happy for me.”

You nod, “There’s no doubt in my mind that she would be happy for you. I love you, John, so fucking much. I truly appreciate you, and I’m proud of you.”

John pulls you back into his arms and leans his head against yours as you look out at the horizon again, “Yeah, I’m proud of me too.”

__

After you and John got done with dinner, he went over to Jimmy’s house for the rest of the night, and he’s been gone for a few hours now. Tess came over to spend the night with you, and what started off as one glass of wine ended up as several glasses of wine and maybe a shot or two of John’s expensive whiskey. You’ve prank called John and Jimmy four times already, and Tess was laughing hysterically when you came out of your bedroom in one of John’s suits.

Your phone ringing catches your attention and you shuffle over to grab it to see John facetiming you, “Hi, John.”

John cocks up his eyebrow and laughs, “Are you drunk?”

You laugh and shake your head, “No, definitely not. I mean, I had two glasses of wine and a shot of whiskey, but I’m not drunk.”

“She’s love drunk, John.” Tess says, then she laughs hysterically at her own joke.

You look back at your phone and laugh, “Tess, on the other hand, will wake up with a massive headache.”

It’s almost midnight, so you’re sure that John is probably going to bed soon. You grab your phone, then you walk into the kitchen for a little bit of privacy.

“I was just thinking about you.” he says, trying his best to whisper so he doesn’t wake up anyone in the house, “I was hoping you’d be up so I can see you.”

You smile and nod your head, “I’ll meet you outside.”

Tess is laying on the couch as she falls asleep, so you tap her leg and wait for her to open her eyes, “Go lay in my bed. I’ll be up in a minute.”

You watch Tess as she slowly walks upstairs and into your room, then you turn around to head out of the front. It’s only been a few hours since you’ve seen John, but you’re more than a little excited to see him since you’re getting married tomorrow. You slide your feet into your sandals, then you almost run down the driveway to see John. You smile wide when you see John standing at the end of the driveway waiting for you, and you run a little faster to jump into his arms and wrap your legs around his waist.

John laughs as he stumbles back a little, “You look so small in my suit.”

“I was being you.” you laugh, then you kiss John, “I was pretending to be Mr. Wick.”

“Yeah? And what does that look like?”

You puff out your chest a little and walk around, then you try your hardest to talk in a deep voice, “I love to bind books. My dog? His name is Bleu. He’s a good dog. Have you heard I’m engaged? She’s the love of my life. I call her peach all the time,” you stand on your tiptoes and put your arm on John’s shoulder, “Let me tell you, her ass…it’s out of this world.”

“Okay,” John laughs as he shakes his head, “I would never say that to someone.  You look pretty cute though, peach.”

“Ah, I can’t take it anymore.” you whine loudly as you jump up so John can hold you, “I miss you.”

“You’ve been very clingy lately.” he laughs, and you lean back when he tries to kiss you, “No, no, I love it.”

“This is the first time in a long time that I’ve had to sleep without you.” you lean forward to kiss him, then you wrap your arms around him tighter, “Tess is actually sleeping in our bed.”

John laughs, “Figures.”

“I don’t like to be alone!” you laugh as you get down, “I’m gonna sleep on your side though. I can’t wait to snuggle into your pillow and smell your cologne and shampoo.”

The way John is looking at you right now, you already know what's going through his head: he wants to have sex with you. He always gets this certain look in his eyes.

Reaching out for John's waist, you pull him closer to you and tilt your head back so you can kiss him passionately and tide him over for a few more hours. The problem now is that you're getting turned on when his hands begin to explore your body. He wraps his arms around you and carefully tries to lay you down on the ground, but you stay frozen in place.

“Lay down,” John whispers as he kisses your neck.

“On the grass?” you ask, and John nods his head. “Isn't it wet?”

John sits down on the ground and puts his hand in the grass, “No, so come here.”

You hold John's hands as you straddle his waist, then he immediately starts to unbutton the front of your shirt. He pulls it open to see you're wearing a lacy black bra and your breasts are nearly in his face, which John loves. From the light of the moon, you can see John just enough as he pulls down the lace of your bra to expose your nipple. He kisses down your breast to your nipple, then he flicks his tongue over it slowly, and it elicits a small moan from you when he sucks on it.

“You love them, don’t you?”

John smiles, looking up at you, “You have amazing tits.”

“Tits.” you laugh as you look down at him sucking on your nipple, “I love that you always say tits.”

Keeping a tight grip on you, John lays flat on his back and moves your hair out of your face so he can look at you as you slowly grind against him. Placing one hand in the grass and one on John’s chest, you maintain eye contact with him as you slowly rub yourself against the growing erection in his pants. His hands move from your thighs to your ass, and he pushes you down on him so he can feel you more. You're not going to have sex with John on your front lawn, though it's very tempting. You press a kiss to John's lips, then you sit up straight and smile when he stares blankly at you.

“I should probably head inside.” you say, and you start to laugh when John pulls you flush against his chest again.

“Don't go yet.” he says, bucking his hips a little. You sit up as you roll your hips against John, and he closes his eyes and bites his lip. “No one can see us, it's pitch black out. Keep going.”

“And what? You're just gonna come in your pants?” you ask, and John smiles at you, bucking his hips under you. “Oh, you are? Okay, well, I can help with that.”

The friction between you and John as you roll your hips is turning you on even more, and when he slides his hands up your chest and onto your breasts, you begin to roll your hips faster. He pulls the lace from over your other breast and sits up to suck on your nipple as you continue to grind on him.

“Fuck,” you push John down and scoot down so you can pull him out of his pajama pants. You quickly pull his cock free from his boxers as he watches, then you pull your pants off and move your underwear to the side so you can sink down on him, “Yes!”

“Oh, shit.” John moans, then he shakes his head, “You're killing me, baby. You're killing me.”

It’s quiet outside, which means your voices will carry -- which means your moans will carry. As you continue rolling your hips, John sucks on his thumb, then he reaches down to rub circles on your clit, and you immediately press both hands to your mouth to muffle the moans.

“You wanna scream, don’t you?” John asks, sliding his hands to your waist to help you bounce up and down on him, “Fucking scream for me.”

“I can’t.” you manage to choke out, squeezing your eyes shut as the pleasure begins to take over. “God damn, you feel so good between my legs.”

John chuckles softly, “You know the best thing about it being so quiet out here?”

“What?” you ask, breathlessly.

“I can hear how wet you are for me.” he says, and your eyes roll shut as you tilt your head back and moan.

Holding tight to your waist as you roll your hips, John bends his knees and begins to jerk them with no restraint. The sound of John's hips slapping against your ass gets louder the faster he moves them, and he wraps his arms around you tight as he lets out a thunderous moan and spills inside of you as you come moments after him.

You lean your head against John's chest and laugh, “That was the last time we'll ever have sex as an unmarried couple.”

“It was good.” he says, leaning up to kiss you.

“I did not think…” you swallow hard to try and slow your breathing, “We’d have sex in our front yard, but there’s a first time for everything.”

Wincing a little as you slide off of John, you hold tight to his hands as he helps you stand up, then he keeps his hand on your thigh so you don't fall over when you put your pants back on. He stuffs himself into his pants and groans loudly as he gets up, then he laughs when he sees the grass has an imprint of his body in it.

John looks down at his watch and sighs a little, “I’m gonna let you go so you can get some sleep. I can’t wait to see you in the morning, and I can’t wait to hold you and kiss you. I can’t fucking wait to marry you.”

“This is where I say something cheesy like, ‘I’ll be the one in white’.” you laugh as you lean up to kiss John. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jonathan. I love you.”

“I love you more.” he says, and the two of you slowly back away until your fingers lose touch. “I’m gonna wait here until I know you get in the house safely.”

You let out a small laugh and blow a kiss to John before you turn around to head up to the house. You get to the door and look back at the end of the driveway to see John still standing there watching you. Since it’s a little after midnight now, you don’t really want to yell, but since it’s so quiet out, you can hear John as he whispers loudly.

“Goodnight, baby. I love you.” John whispers loudly, and you smile as you wave. “Make sure you lock up.”

“I love you.” you blow him another kiss, and he waves as you close the door and lock it. You head upstairs to find Tess sprawled out on your side of the bed, which you’re more than fine with since you want to snuggle with John’s pillow.

After heading into the bathroom to go pee, brush your teeth, and wash your face, you change into your pajamas and carefully crawl into bed so you don’t wake up Tess. You pull the blankets over yourself, then you bury your face in John’s pillow and inhale deeply, smiling to yourself because tomorrow…you become Mrs. Wick.

__

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[ts1989fanatic]

TS7 is finally here!

If you’re like me or any of the millions of Swifties out there, the arrival of this next era is just as exciting as a brand-new bookshelf full of reads you get to experience for the first time.

After listening to the album on repeat all weekend, I decided to celebrate Lover with a book roundup inspired by each of the songs (since it’s the only thing I’ll be listening to for the foreseeable future, don’t @ me.).

ts1989fanatic an interesting perspective well written obviously a swiftie.

1. “I Forgot That You Existed” (Best Friends Forever, by Jennifer Weiner)

You heard it from Taylor first: indifference is the new vengeance. This solid album-opener is upbeat and poppy, a nice contrast with the lyrics about the (final?) end of a broken relationship, friendship (or feud), when you actually forget that the person you once had so much ire for still lives. She transitions from “Your name on my lips, tongue-tied/Free rent, living in my mind” to “forgot that you existed/and I thought that it would kill me, but it didn’t” with ease. But of course, insisting that you forget someone existed while singing about them would introduce interesting tension into any relationship. It reminded me of Jennifer Weiner’s Best Friends Forever, about what happens when a former friend shows up on your doorstep in a crisis, insisting you’re the only one who can help them out of a tight spot (when you’d rather do anything but).

2. “Cruel Summer” (Do You Want to Start a Scandal, by Tessa Dare)

Lyrically and sonically, this is one of my favorites on the entire album (it’s so good it should have been a single!) It’s got an Out of the Woods meets Getaway Car vibe in terms of the melody. Wistful, a bit haunting, but also a total bop. “So cut the headlights, summer’s a knife/I’m always waiting for you just to cut to the bone” describes a low point in Swift’s life (Summer 2016, ugh), juxtaposed with the high of discovering new love. There are so many books I could have picked for this, but “I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you” reminded me of the Regency romance trope where the heroine has a secret, or finds herself in a situation where her reputation is at stake, but is still tempted by a handsome rogue who might lead her into temptation and true love. (Sound a bit familiar?) Do You Want to Start a Scandal by Tessa Dare feels like the perfect accompaniment to this song about a woman who must prove her innocence in the face of a sullied reputation or be forced to marry a man she doesn’t think she could ever love.

3. “Lover” (Roomies, by Christina Lauren)

The title track (and the one I’ve been singing in the shower for days) is a swoony daydream of a couple in complete harmony, as Swift spins wedding vow-like lyrics such as “With every guitar string scar on my hand/I take this magnetic force of a man to be my…lover/My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue/all’s well that end’s well to end up with you/swear to be overdramatic and true/to my…lover.” But Swift is all about balance in her songs, so imagery of keeping up the Christmas lights in “our place” is juxtaposed with suspicion that “everyone who sees you wants you.” This track reminded me of Roomies by Christina Lauren, with its musician main character and the trope of having to share a space while inevitably falling in love.

4. “The Man” (The Whisper Network, by Chandler Baker)

The double-standards between men and women have been explored in songs and novels since both art forms existed. Swift has already confronted the media’s perception of her as a victim, as a girl who goes on too many dates but can’t make them stay, etc. But in “The Man”, she more directly confronts how different she’d be treated if she were the opposite gender. How could I not think of the new thriller The Whisper Network, about a group of women who come forward about their male boss’ behavior of harassment in the workplace. Instead of continuing to suffer in silence, they tell the truth, resulting in an explosive conflict. I sort of saw the ending coming, but was very glad I was right.

5. “The Archer” (Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen)

Another slower, lyric-driven track on the album with gut-punching truths about love, friendship, and holding on to the one who has your heart. “The Archer” is associated with being a Sagittarius (which Swift is), but also her dynamic with the world. “Who could ever leave me, darling?/But who could stay?” is self-aware in a new way for Swift, as is “I never grew up, it’s getting so old” or “I see right through me.” This is one of my favorite tracks on the album, as Swift confronts her cultivated image as both archer and prey of fame and of love. Listening to the rising energy of the track as it builds to a anti-fairy-tale crescendo plus Swift’s lyrics made me think of Pride and Prejudice: Elizabeth Bennet is forced to acknowledge how her own prejudices have made it difficult for others to love her, but that she is deserving of an imperfect love. (And how could “All of my enemies started out friends” not remind you of awful Mr. Wickham?)

6. “I Think He Knows” (The Duke and I, by Julia Quinn)

After a slower song, this heats things up a bit, describing the early sizzle of a relationship before it even starts. For an entire album that sings the praises of a man, I liked the moment in the pre-chorus where she says “He’s so obsessed with me, and boy, I understand.” Own your worth, girl! The bridge was my favorite part of this song (as it often is with Swift; girl knows how to bridge) as it played with tempo and rhyme. “Lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh/We can follow the sparks, I’ll drive.” Swift explores the tension of the moment between seeing someone and initiating contact—songs like these always sting with a bit of danger, too, because the man knows she wants him but neither of them say anything in public about it. She’s whispering in the dark, which gives me serious secret romance vibes. The Duke and I by Julia Quinn is about Simon, who is planning to propose to his BFF’s sister even though he doesn’t actually love her. It’s an arrangement that suits them both, but before they both know it, Daphne is giving Simon serious “I Think he Knows” vibes.

7. “Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince” (The Cheerleaders, by Kara Thomas)

If you don’t get the oft-spoken adage that “politics is like high-school,” this song takes the metaphor to the next level. Subtly political but 100% heartbreaking, Swift reimagines the political sphere (and her role in it) as a high school romance, moving from “American glory, faded before me,” painting the democratic 2016 election loss as a ripped-up prom dress (from Miss Americana, who assumed she would win.) Oozing drama and storytelling the way only Swift can, I love the moody elements of the brokenhearted girl contrasted with the new riff on a cheerleading chant (Go Fight Win!). This song is about mourning loss and then finding the strength to say “I know we’re going to win,” but it’s haunting melody and lyrics led me to pick a Cheerleader-inspired thriller. The Cheerleaders is about a string of cheerleaders murdered in a small town five years ago… and just when everyone thinks it’s time to move on, one girl becomes the center of a mystery that never truly died.

8. “Paper Rings” (The Royal We, by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan)

I’m on my fourth listen of the album and this might be my favorite track on it (though that changes minute by minute, with an album as dynamic as this—just to further accentuate the point, by the time of posting this piece, my new favorite might be I Think He Knows?). It’s a totally retro, ’60s style song—a totally fresh sound for Swift, and one that fits perfectly with her new aesthetic. (Makes me wonder why this wasn’t one of the singles released before the record.) It is a gold-mine for Swiftian lyricism, with so many gems I can’t possibly call them all out, and it moves so fast (like a good read) that you both want to cascade over them and pause to hear each line at least 5x before it passes you by. It’s an unabashed love song, relishing in the joy of knowing you’re with the one you love so much that “I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings”. The line that stuck out the most was “I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this,” which made me think of when Bex Porter goes to Oxford in The Royal We and, completely by accident, falls in love with the heir to the throne.

9. “Cornelia Street” (Passion on Park Avenue, by Lauren Layne)

“Cornelia Street” is sort of the antithesis to I Think He knows. It’s about remembering the early days of a new relationship (“We were a fresh page on the desk/filling in the blanks as we go”) and being more than willing to give up all the good that comes with fresh starts in order to settle into something real. It aches with melancholy, because any time we give something up should be a little sad—but it brims with hope and Swift’s trademarked optimism about love. “I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends/I’d never walk Cornelia Street again/ That’s the kinda heartbreak time could never mend.” I had to pick an NYC-set story for this, like Lauren Layne’s Passion on Park Avenue. The city is another character in the romance between a successful jewelry-business owner and the son of the woman her mother used to work for.

10. “Death By a Thousand Cuts” (Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better, by Madisen Kuhn)

Inspired by the Netflix movie Something Great, this is one of the few sad songs on the record, about a girl going through a breakup who can’t help but linger in happier memories. (For the record: “I dress to kill my time” is genius, as are so many of these lyrics.) Only Swift is so good at pairing such devastating messaging with a pop beat you can’t help but want to sing. This song was the hardest one to pick a book for (especially because it’s already inspired by a movie) so I decided to go with a poetry collection! Please Don’t Go Before I Get Better is all about the aches and sun rays of growing up, told in a staggeringly relatable voice that will make you want to curl up on the couch and cry your eyes out.

11. “London Boy” (Red, White and Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston)

This is 100% about Joe Alwyn, but also… Taylor dated at least two Brits that we know of before him, so this song is also about what we already knew (“the rumors are true”): she has a penchant for London Boys. Essentially a road map of her favorite places in the city, this indulgent ditty trades “Tennessee Whiskey” for “A gray sky, a rainy cab ride” and of course, her man by her side. Red, White, and Royal Blue is the perfect pick for this song, about two boys who fall in love (after a rough start where they were almost enemies) amidst those gray, rainy skies… but one of them happens to be the son of an American President, and the other, the current Prince of England.

12. “Soon You’ll Get Better (feat. Dixie Chicks)” (Swamplandia! by Karen Russell)

Of all the songs on the album, this one gave me the most vintage Swift vibes. There’s no denying that she is an astonishingly talented songwriter, especially when you listen to what is essentially her greatest fear laid bare on this track with just a bit of guitar and the Dixie Chicks harmonizing in the background. Here, the story shines: Swift’s mother has been sick for a number of years, and while they’ve mostly kept the details of that battle private, this is the most vulnerable moment of love for her mother on an album mostly about finding true love. “Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you/Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus, too.” A friend of mine recently lost their mother just after getting married, and it made me marvel at how life often delivers us highs and lows to grapple with simultaneously. While all of this was going on—Kanye and Kim, Joe and London, another world tour, another album—in the background, Swift has been terrified of losing her mother. This song made me think of Swamplandia!, a novel about a young girl living in a gator-wrestling theme park where her mother used to be the main event, until she passed away. Now, in the wake of her death, the girl and her siblings must grapple with their mother’s legacy as a competing business rises up to swallow the success she built on the swamp.

13. “False God” (City of Girls, by Elizabeth Gilbert)

Is that a saxophone in the background of a Taylor Swift song? This slow, jazzy number is all about love and desire—and how we come back to it even when the world around us (and sometimes we, ourselves) put it in jeopardy. “And I can’t talk to you when you’re like this/Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town/I’m New York City” and other lyrics referencing New York seem to be the grounding force in an otherwise tumultuous relationship. Multiple times on this record Swift has alluded to rough patches in her current happiness, but connection is always the solution to fixing it. She seems to say that if you treat your relationship like it’s your religion, you can get through anything. This is one of the sexier songs on the album, but it’s also got serious NYC vibes, so I’m picking City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert: a novel all about relishing romance in the glitzy 1940’s New York Theater scene, but also how desire can either set us on the road to ruin, or redemption.

14. “You Need to Calm Down” (The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, by Taylor Jenkins Reid)

This song has done what Swift does best: inspire conversation and a bit of controversy. Acknowledging that it was past time for her to be an outspoken ally for the LGBTQIAP+ community, YNTCD tackles the various ways communities are pitted against one another (especially on the internet.) The first verse examines her personal haters (“Say it in the street, that’s a knock-out/But you say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out), the second calls out homophobes (“Shade never made anybody less gay”), and the third examines how her relationships with her female contemporaries have often been antagonistic, something she herself has been responsible perpetuating in the past with songs like “Bad Blood” and “Better Than Revenge” (“We all know now, we all got crowns/you need to calm down.”) The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo is about a famous actress who hid the great female love of her life behind multiple male partners and uses her platform to tell the truth (all while hiding one last devastating secret). While Taylor herself has not come out as part of the LGBTQ community, she has come out as an ally, and this book made me think about the issues of privacy, platform, allyship, and identity that the song also confronts. If there’s more to the story of Swift’s relationship to the LGBTQIAP+ community, she’s going to share it on her own terms.

15.“Afterglow” (Queenie, by Candice Carty-Williams)

This song ranks high on my favorites from the album, and it’s a rare genre from Swift: the apology song. (The other famous one is Speak Now’s “Back to December.”) In this mid-tempo song with slamming drums and a breathy falsetto, Swift yearns for the partner she pushed away to meet her in the moments after the fight ends. “It’s all me, in my head/I’m the one who burned us down/ but it’s not what I meant,” she insists. There’s still hope here though, as opposed to earlier songs on the record that signal the doom of a friendship or a breakup after-the-fact. Queenie, by Candice Carty-Williams, is a novel about a girl coming to terms with her role in a failed relationship, a career she can’t seem to succeed in, and friends she unknowingly betrays. “Why’d I have to break what I love so much?” is a question asked in this song’s chorus, and one Queenie must answer in order to find real, lasting happiness.

16. “ME! (feat. Brendon Urie)” (Crazy Rich Asians, by Kevin Kwan)

This self-love anthem is bubblegum sweet and full of earworms: the “Shake it Off“ of the TS7 Era. It makes me think of lightning-fast beach reads that you can’t put down and that feel so good to read but also have a deeper meaning to them. Just because it’s not the most lyrically advanced of her songs doesn’t mean this bop doesn’t deserve to be celebrated— it reminded me of how romances constantly get a bad rep (lol, see what I did there?) as somehow lesser than other genres. I love that Taylor doesn’t care about what other people think and is 100% focused on being her authentic self— just like the heroine of Crazy Rich Asians, Rachel Chu. When confronted with the wealth and expectations of her boyfriend Nick’s family (who don’t think she’s good enough for him), she insists it’s her individuality that makes her the perfect partner for him.

17. “It’s Nice to Have a Friend” (This Love Story Will Self-Destruct, by Leslie Cohen)

This track might be my second favorite? It’s so different (Ukulele? Trombone? Is that what I’m hearing?) and such a contrast to the beginning of the album, the opener closes the door on a once meaningful friendship. It’s also a deceiving song, in that I’m still not 100% sure what it’s about. I think Swift is exploring the importance of friendship in all its forms: in childhood (“School bell rings, walk me home”) to adolescence “Something gave you the nerve/to touch my hand”) to romantic love (“Church bells ring, carry me home/rice on the ground looks like snow”). Ultimately, she may be saying that the most important thing about a romantic partner is that they make you feel like you have a friend—when you’re young, the thing that matters most is feeling seen by other people. If your lover is also your best friend, then you know they always have your back. A love story that takes place over two characters’ twenties, This Love Story Will Self-Destruct is about the missteps, betrayals, beautiful moments and connection that forms between two people over a decade.

18. “Daylight” (Evvie Drake Starts Over, by Linda Holmes)

“My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in.” What a way to begin this album closer. Swift’s last tracks have a tradition of being the ones that are most emblematic of her current state of mind, but they also have developed certain themes over time. Renewal, starting over, self-reflection, and hope are all subjects “Daylight” sheds a little light on. She acknowledges past failings (“I wounded the good and trusted the wicked”) and what she wants for the future (“I once believed love would be [burning red]/but it’s golden”). A book that feels like daylight on your skin is what’s needed for this song, and I think Evvie Drake Starts Over is the perfect pick: a story about a woman still grieving the loss of her husband but who finds herself moving on with a former major league baseball player. Both of them have pasts they are healing from, but together, they find hope for the future. “I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night/and now I see daylight.” And, unlike (I think?) any other song in her catalogue, she speaks in the end, not sings, in a direct appeal to her audience. Her very last words are “You are what you love.” Well, I love Taylor Swift. I love a good song lyric to sink my teeth into, or to sing. I love love. And I love a good story, whether it comes from a song or a book, and when you’re done with the album, I hope you find some here.

[spotlightjapan]

Hatsukoi - Hikaru Utada 

I want to preface this review with the admission that I am a big Hikaru Utada fan, so there is most definitely a chance that I might just be biased. I also know that I am a year late into this party but I thought that for my first music review on this blog, I might do this album that is one of my more recent favorites. So, let’s jump right into it!

Play A Love Song - The album starts with a sincere effort to move forward. The song itself is very colorful, with bright piano chords, electronic drum beats and a synth lead. The end of the song feels triumphant with the layering of choir-like backing vocals. The last line of the chorus「悲しい話はもうたくさん／好きだって聞かせてくれよ／Can we play a love song？」(We've already had so many sad conversations. Just tell me you love me. Can we play a love song?) represents the idea of thesis of the album: no matter how painful and dark, I will simply love what I have now.

あなた (You) - This song has a jazzy vibe that is so inviting. It is cozy, like sitting by the fireplace. One again, this song evokes the feeling of respite. The song talks about the “you” figure as her “home.” It’s an honest confession to the person she loves. She wants the “you” figure to understand that regardless of the many challenges and heartache they might face, it is with this person alone that she would endure it all. The brass instrument highlights in this song is such a treat as well.

初恋 (First Love) - The first thing that stands out about this song for me is the stirring strings that accompany the piano. The simple arrangement carries you through. The lyrics are straightforward, as they should be, and follow the general theme of the album so far. There is a very soft climax during the final chorus and outro of the the song. Utada is so good at creating that feeling at the end of her songs that just makes you want more. 

誓い (Vow) - This song is perhaps one of the most realistic wedding songs I’ve ever heard. It is honest and powerful in its declaration of love and commitment. This song seems to be communicating that while so many things in life are uncertain, love will sustain. Track 4 is basically a darker version of the previous song in terms of arrangement. The strings help create this feeling of suspense in the verses, like there is danger lurking, which fits the lyrics of the verse. The bridge is so powerful, I remember having goosebumps when I first listened to it. It is total surrender to the feeling of love with full acknowledgement of all that comes with it.

Forevermore - We seem to be plunging down a darker route in terms of color and tone. The music comes off as brooding for most of the song, but it has its brief moments of breaking through in the chorus. The music itself takes you on a journey of confronting the dark and succeeding, and going through that cycle again. The prominent ride cymbals create staccato-like tension with the electronic piano. I’m going to be repeating myself throughout this review, but once again, the honesty is piercing in this track. 

Too Proud ft. Jevon - This song allows us a bit of a break from the violins and the piano, and reminds us of Utada’s R&B’s roots. While this track is also presented simply, the lyrics really pack a punch. Allowing this moment to give in to her flaws, the persona admits that she is too proud. She points out the deficiencies of her relationship and there is a feeling of dread that looms over our heads throughout the song. I must say that I absolutely love this song. I actually don’t listen to a lot of hip-hop/rap so I don’t really know how to qualify rap verses and what not, but Jevon’s verse in this song is so good. This song is infectious ear worm, yet not in the typical catchy pop that plays on the radio. The lead riff that is like a fork tapping on a glass is so interesting as well. 

 Good Night - Oh god. Where do I begin? The intro does not give any hint to what kind of song this track truly is. The pleasant feeling of reminiscing and longing in the verses turns into a feeling of pain in the chorus. The simple palm-muted guitar with the reverb cranked up in the chorus with Utada’s ‘good night’s just take me to a different dimension. Everything swells in the verses and comes to a pause once the chorus hits, then the strings and the drums tears through the silence again. After that, we’re treated to a wistful send off in the outro. How she’s able to switch directions in such an organic yet surprising way, I really don’t know. If you look at the lyrics of this song, the amount of words don’t even amount to half of the number of words of the other songs in this album. But this song is able to communicate so much with so little, and that is what makes it a brilliant song. The song feels full, despite the thin lyrics. My absolute favorite in this album.

パクチーの唄 (The Coriander Song) - Yup, that is actually the song’s title. Do not skip it though. Don’t judge a song by its title! This song is much like the others in terms of arrangement. It’s very simple. It’s almost like a child’s song (and maybe it is!) at the beginning. But if you listen to the lyrics, there’s something comforting about it. It’s like a mother’s soothing song to a crying child. It’s unique in its on way, and not just because of its title or chorus. It’s has this nostalgic quality that makes you long for your childhood.

残り香 (Lingering Scent) - We are at that phase of the album where everything has slowed down. A pipe organ opens the curtain to the persona defeated and alone. She admits that things have fallen apart. It’s like she’s in shock, and can’t really come up with words to express what she’s feeling. The reality that the “you” figure in the song is gone is the only thing that the persona can think of at the moment. The brief silence during the end carries so much pain as Utada repeats 「暖かいあなたの肩を探す、肩を探す」(I look for your warm shoulder, I look for your warm shoulder). The little bit of white noise-like sounds that reverberates throughout the song paints a picture of a lonely woman in her flat, as a busy city goes about its day outside. The organ throughout this song represents the feeling of loss that envelops the persona. It has this inescapable quality to it that makes this song even more depressing.

大空で抱きしめて (Embrace Me Under the Big Sky) - This song carries the same feeling of loss in the previous track though in a less straightforward way. The carefree vibe is aided by the playful guitar riff. The song has a brighter color to it overall, but the general feeling is that of longing. That feeling of longing gestures to what is missing or gone.  It makes you feel like you’re looking out the window of a train on a perfectly sunny day. Now that things have fallen apart, what now? That’s the vibe that this song subtly gestures to.

夕凪 (Evening Calm) - This song confronts heavy feelings and realities of life and loss. The piano, the slow kicking of the bass drum, the layer of ‘ah’s humming, the simple string tying the arrangement together--all of these elements support the song’s heartbreaking message. Despite the song being that of loss, it is not sad or depressed. In fact there is this feeling of bravery. Through Utada’s singing, there is this quiet acceptance. Loss is serious and heavy and painful, yet the persona accepts it without resistance. The haunting vocalizations at the end adds so much character to the song. 

嫉妬されるべき人生 (A Life Worth Envying) - This song is not as colorful as the others. In fact you might get the impression that it is a sad song due to the dark vibe that is immediately apparent in the intro. But that’s not actually the case. The song is about professing undying love the the “you” figure. It is about proudly declaring that the persona’s life is worth being proud of despite all that has happened to her, and that’s because in this life, she met and married this “you” figure. The line 「長いと思ってた人生 急に短い」(A life I though would be long is all of a sudden short) reveals that now that she is with her beloved, the life that she thought would drag on, is now all of a sudden not enough time to spend with this “you” figure. The lyrics are just as honest as the first song of the album but the transformation of the persona is evident. I think it’s the undercurrent of death that makes this song dark. There’s also the life monitor-like sounds that periodically erupts throughout the song. The lyrics acknowledge that we will all die someday, and that's why it the music and delivery of the song is so incredibly intense. 

Overall, this album is such a wonderful journey to embark on. Utada’s lyrics contain very specific scenes and details, but it never alienates its listener. She is able to create universal feelings through her words and music no matter how simple the lyrics or arrangement may be. The album is cohesive, but there is an evident transformation from the first half to the second half. There is a bit of a lull in the middle, but ultimately, it’s an album that deserves to be listened to fully from start to finish. This album is magic.

9.5/10

[hazellvesque]

more thoughts about the lightning thief musical because I have the soundtrack on repeat and I can’t stop thinking about it

“yes the gods are real, and they have kids, and those kids have issues” well yeah that’s it that’s the whole series I’m glad we established this in the first 45 seconds of the show

Percy’s entrance is the greatest, most in-character thing I’ve ever seen he just slides across the stage and looks to the audience in his “paint me like one of your french girls” lounge pose and recites those ICONIC first lines of the book and it’s just fabulous

that moment in the opening number when riptide turns into a sword for the first time is just SO COOL because there’s strobe lights and so much is going on and you can’t really see how the effect happens all of a sudden Percy just starts swinging and it’s so satisfying

“This ain’t Odysseus’s Odyssey” that’s a really tough tongue twister but also just a really good line 

I love all the moments where Percy’s voice gets all quiet and gentle like in Strong when he’s asking all the questions about his dad the delivery of those lines adds so much to his character; sure, the whole show is written in the Rock genre and his big outbursts accompanied with loud guitar show his frustration and anger at the world but those times where everything is solemn and all you hear is the acoustic guitar and the sound of ocean waves crashing in the distance really keep him rounded out and I just love it a lot

“Normal is a myth” LIKE THE GREEK MYTHS GET IT 

“Is she real?/I must be dreaming/She's floating close to me like an angel....This is weird/But a good weird” wow Percy so eloquent you wanna quote that in your wedding vows? 

Chiron’s elegant prancing when he first gets up out of his wheelchair while Percy is just screaming in confusion is by far the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life

Clarisse’s vocals in Put You In Your Place are insane it feels so 80s and she’s violently swinging a spear the whole time and you don’t know whether to be attracted to her or terrified so you’re just both simultaneously

Percy just comes strolling across the stage on a toilet on wheels I love professional theatre 

I could write an essay on Good Kid but all I’ll say now is the line “I keep my head down, I keep my chin up, but it ends all the same/With ‘Pack your bags, Percy, you’re always to blame” just hurts my heart a lot, more than anything else in the song

and during Good Kid Percy is climbing all over the scaffolding like he’s in a DCOM and when he gets to the bridge and it slows down he just sits on the railing high up off the ground and is withdrawn and quiet and wow

Grover ‘baaaa’-ing throughout the whole show makes me really happy 

all of Lost has been stuck in my head for days and it condenses 50% of TLT’s plot into a single song that’s basically just like “yadda yadda yeah they took a week to travel and the goofed up a lot we don’t have time for this” and it’s done so well because they still manage to mention every significant stop in the story 

(except the scene in the waterpark and “You’re my friend, seaweed brain, any more stupid questions?” but I can forgive that)

“We’re lost and it’s dark and I thINK THAT SOMETHING’S MOVING” god you forget that they’re supposed to be children and then lines like this happen

Can we just talk about the Percabeth parallel in their lyrics “All I need is one last chance to prove I’m good enough for someone” vs. “And someday soon, I swear, I don't know how or when/But I promise you I'll never be invisible again; someone will notice me” their first someones end up being each other (and also Grover #1 MVP third wheel for life we love a supportive satyr) before the rest of the world recognizes them your OTP would never

Drive ends up becoming Grover’s recurring theme in the show and you almost forget how much he’s been through until he reprises it in the finale 

“I never dreamed that I could do this/Never felt like I was worth a damn” YEAH LETS TAKE A MOMENT FROM THIS SILLY ROAD TRIP SONG TO REMIND EVERYONE ABOUT PERCY’S INNER TURMOIL REAL QUICK ouch 

All of The Tree on the Hill is my favorite scene and I’m super biased but I don’t care

“And maybe if I'd been a little bit braver/Maybe if I stayed behind to fight/But ‘maybe’ doesn't let me go back and save her/’Maybe’ doesn't make it alright” and then “There’s a tree on the hill, up on half-blood hill/That protects us all, and always will/And it’s there reminding me of all I failed to be” WOW I MISS WHEN GROVER WAS A COMPLEX AND RELEVANT CHARACTER @rick riordan can we have that back please? 

Annabeth and Luke hugging each other and crying as Thalia makes her sacrifice hurt my heart a lot especially when you remember he’s about 14 and she’s supposed to be SEVEN they are babies my god

D.O.A. starts with Charon saying “sorry, I couldn’t hear you over that SWEET ASS RIFF” and she’s a sassy lady in a sparkly silver dress with big hair jamming to disco and it’s the biggest mood ever and the levity we all needed after the heartbreak

Percy and Sally’s harmony on “what belongs to the sea can always return” is just so pretty and there’s that return of the soft acoustics that I love so much in Strong ugh

When Percy and Poseidon would say “It’s a seashell” they’d say it like California surfer dudes and do the little surfs up motion with their hands and I laughed way too hard especially in the middle of Son of Poseidon where it’s supposed to kinda be serious 

Luke sings “it’s time someone put them [the gods] in their place” and he doesn’t riff all over the place like Clarisse but DAMN this whole scene is just so ominous it gives you the exact same vibes as when you first read it and realized what was happening except it’s worse because he just STABS PERCY in the end 

(and I totally don’t mean to undermine Luke’s Good Kid reprise because it’s fantastic but the chanting of “summer, summer, summer” in the background just makes me think of high school musical) 

“Are we ever gonna once have it easy?” “Nope!” again just sum up the entire series in two lines good job 

[blitheringmcgonagall]

Chapters: 31/? Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin

PLEASE NOTE: Wolfstar Theme composed by @professrmoonylupin on tumbr, utterly brilliant of them to volunteer of their time to write this short piece of music, check out their blog on tumblr NOW here is the link to the music:

www.tumblr.com/reblog/182527273136/eVV0eVbZ

Summary

After Christmas, Lily and James attend Petunia's Wedding, Remus tries to work around Reg's Unbreakable Vow, and Lily's life implodes...

Notes:

Incredible thank you to @proffessrmoonylupin on tumblr for writing a beautiful violin solo for this chapter www.tumblr.com/reblog/182527273136/eVV0eVbZ It's divided into three parts, which will make sense when you read this. It was exceptionally kind of them to write it for me and I am so very grateful. Please check out their tumblr and leave some love/kudos!!!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

                      Love & Many Laments

“Penny, you look gorgeous!” said Lily, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Petunia was wearing a flouncy, white, satin dress with a ruched, off-the-shoulder neckline and a matching choker. She wore extremely high heels which made her unsteady, so she was holding on to Vernon’s arm for dear life. Her hair was stiff from hairspray and coiffed into a complicated high chignon. She looked decidedly unhappy to see James, but she tried to smile back at Lily.

“Thank you, Lily,” said Petunia.

Penny hadn’t asked her to be bridesmaid, she had asked a girl she barely knew more than six months, in one of the agencies where she had been temping* in London in between modelling jobs. Her parents had narrowly avoided a full-blown row with Petunia that morning, and Lily and James had eventually been told to sit near the Irish (aka somewhat embarrassing) relations. Try though she might, Lily couldn’t help feeling angry and upset about how Penny had treated her. And she didn’t like Petunia’s dress. Yes, Lily Evans felt mean and petty today.

“Congratulations Vernon,” continued Lily stiffly, turning to her new brother-in-law.

“Thanks,” replied Vernon curtly.

“You look beautiful, Petunia,” said James, on his best behaviour.

Petunia’s mouth twisted in a failed attempt at a smile, but she nodded in acknowledgement.

“Vernon,” began James.

“Don’t you Vernon me, young man!” said Vernon, his face turning red as he spluttered indignantly. “You’re only invited because my good lady wife relented to my in-laws’ request. But I’m warning you, I’ll be keeping a very close eye on you all night, and so will my aunt Marge! Any sign of any sinister goings-on, and I’ll have the Bouncers escort you off the premises immediately. Is that clear?”

James felt Lily’s hand grip his arm.

“Perfectly clear, old chap,” said James. “And very wise. Never know what I might get up to with a few drinks on me.”

“Aunt Marge, how lovely to see you!” said Petunia loudly.

Lily moved James away from the newly-weds.

“Is that your wayward sister’s n’er-do-well beau?” asked Aunt Marge in her booming voice. “His hair is dreadful! What did you say he does for a living? Dropped out of school early, did he?”

“I’m afraid he never really attended proper school, Aunt Marge, I suspect he was expelled,” said Vernon, his moustache quivering. “I believe he’s now some kind of amateur magician**.”

“Oh dear, that won’t do!” said Aunt Marge, turning around sharply and staring at Lily. “He will have to go!”

“I doubt it’s very serious, they are only seventeen,” said Petunia, looking very embarrassed.

“Well, see to it that it ends, Petunia!” said Aunt Marge, poking the Bride forcefully with her short stubby finger. “I will not have Vernon marrying into riff-raff!”

“Of course not!” said Petunia, in a shrill voice.

“I’m sorry Lily, but I really can’t stand that fellow. And his aunt is such a weapon!” muttered James.

“My sister’s just as bad! How quickly can we get hold of a drink?” Lily groaned into his arm.

………………

“More magic, Mr. James!” Lily’s five-year-old cousin Roisin was looking at James with awe. “Please?”

James was surrounded by about a dozen unruly Irish children, hidden away in a corner of the Grand Superior Excelsior Hotel’s (decidedly mediocre) function room. They were watching him mesmerised, and screaming with excitement, as he performed magic tricks for them.

“What else would you like to see?” James bent down to talk to the quietly adorable girl who looked enchanted.

“A rabbit coming out of the hat!” Roisin giggled shyly, her bright blue eyes sparkling with delight. “A cute, furry one!”

“A rabbit?” said James, looking confused.

“Yes, magicians always have rabbits! You really ought to know that, James,” said Sean, her twelve-year-old older brother, shaking his head at James and trying to look disinterested.

“Do they? We, er, haven’t gotten that far in my training, but I’ll do my best!” said James with a very serious look on his face.

He took the white napkin, folded it in a complicated pattern, tapped it twice with his wand, muttering Lepus Albus, and then carefully hunkered down with the hat.

“Like this?” he asked.

“Ah, it’s gorgeous!” Roisin squealed with delight, as she stared raptly at the fluffy white rabbit poking its head out of the hat. “I’m showing me Ma!”

“I want to hold it!” said Sean, sounding just as giddy as his baby sister, as they ran excitedly towards the grown-ups.

Lily’s smile widened as she caught James’ eye, and he grinned back sheepishly.

“More, more!” shouted a red-haired toddler, clapping his hands vigorously.

“More, more!” screamed his twin sister, her red pigtails bobbing up and down.

“Alright, one more trick!” James laughed, sitting down beside the group. “What would you like to see this time?”

“Lovely fella you got yourself there, Lily,” Lily’s Great Aunt Brid said, coming up behind her and giving her a playful squeeze. “The kids are havin’ a whale of a time! He’s going to make a wonderful Da someday. And he’s a bit of a hunk too, isn’t he? If I was a bit younger, I’d be after him meself, in a flash.”

“He’s very good with the little ones,” said Lily smiling at the sight of James in deep conversation with a seven-year-old boy.

“He’s the best lookin’ fella I’ve seen in donkey’s years, and it’s painfully obvious that you’re mad for him!” said Brid, smugly regarding a very red-faced Lily.  “D’ya think he plans on marrying you?”

“Auntie Brid, will you go way outta that!” said Lily, her face now puce. “I’m only turning eighteen next month! We’re not planning anything!”

“Still and all, I’m never wrong. I was sittin’ next to Paddy O’Farrell at the dinner, and he puts yous firmly together too,” Brid said, raising her wrinkled brows at Lily. “The two of yous look happy out whenever you’re near each other, it’s adorable, love!”

“Brid, you reckon the two of them will be getting engaged soon?” Rose Evans had joined the conversation and was grinning broadly at Lily.

“Mum!” said Lily, folding her arms crossly as her mother looked on with amusement.

Keep reading: Chapter 31:

[pjbehindthesun]

chapter 8: if I followed you home, would you keep me?

Tuesday, October 9th, 1990

I blink and look around the practice space, which is lit only by one small lamp right by the stairwell, and it takes a moment to remind myself where I’ve just woken up. My watch says it’s still only 6:24 am, so I must have only been out for a couple hours. Easing off of the run-down couch, I pull the guitar neck out from under my shoulder blade and wince as I stand up and stretch out the kinks. Even with no sunlight down here, no street noise, and no one else around, I woke up feeling like there was an alarm clock ringing in each of my cells. Time to write, time to write, time to…

My notebook dropped onto the floor while I was asleep, and after a little hunting, I locate my pen just under the couch. I’ve got a couple hours before the guys said they would stop by and get back to work. Jeff had offered to let me crash at his place, but I needed to stay here, keep the creativity going as long as I could, as long as I can. No distractions, no fucking around. I rub my eyes and sit back down on the couch with the guitar on one knee and the notebook next to me on the cushion, picking up where I left off.

***

“So, uhm, I’m in the front row, and Exene just, like, hands me her beer, so she can finish her set, and –”

“She WHAT?” Jeff screeches over Eddie’s quiet mumble. Jesus Christ, Jeff, don’t terrify him, he seems freaked out enough by us already.

They’re a couple stairs ahead of Mike and me on our way to drop Eddie’s bag off in Jeff’s apartment before we grab lunch and get back to the practice studio to meet up with Dave. I have to admit, Jeff and Ed have really hit it off. I’m glad someone’s getting this guy to talk. I mean, it’s not like it’s a problem that he’s quiet, I guess, although I’m a little worried about how he’s gonna do on stage. Or maybe I’m just used to how extroverted Andy was. At any rate, Eddie seems like a good guy. And I respect how hard he’s ready to work already – I caught an inkling of that this summer when we sent him that tape and got music back right away, but he even slept at the fucking studio the other night just so he didn’t have to stop writing. And he writes so spontaneously, like it’s all just beneath the surface, waiting for the right riff or rhythm to pull the words out of him. I’ve never seen anything like that before. Good instincts.

Not that I’d be caught dead saying any of this out loud, of course. It’s great that he and Jeff are so close already, but someone has to regulate things. I feel like I’m likely to get to know this new guy better if I keep him on his toes, keep him nervous, keep him trying to impress us. Find out if he’s really this dedicated or if it’s just a front in the beginning, and maybe he’s actually just lazy or an asshole or somehow really fucked up.

“Or maybe you’re just scared of another false start and you’re just being an asshole to protect yourself, when in fact this guy is knocking your fucking hair back with his creativity and work ethic, and don’t pretend like he isn’t.”

I can hear Cora saying it. She didn’t, obviously, she hasn’t met Ed yet. But she’s always had this way of nailing my innermost thoughts to the wall. It’s so unnerving and also so calming. Fuck. I miss her. I can see it now. The way she looks at me when she’s really listening to my bullshit, those intense eyes burning holes through all the layers of sarcasm and indifference, the way she holds off on saying anything until she’s confident she has all the pieces put together, and then she says something so insightful it’s devastating. I’ve known her for like four months, but I could swear she recognizes me from a past life, or I would if I believed in any of that crap.

“Stone? Earth to Stone…”

Mike’s waving his hand in front of my nose. Eddie and Jeff must have already taken their Exene Cervenka Fanboy Hour inside Jeff’s apartment, and I must have unconsciously stopped dead out here in front of #41. Cora’s door. Alex’s door. It’s closed, there’s no one home, why am I staring at it?

“Yeah, yeah, sorry…”

She’s been gone like four days and I’ve got the fucking DTs. I fake a laugh with Mike before following him into Jeff’s place. She comes home tonight, you idiot.

“You find him, Mike?” Jeff laughs.

“Yeah, just worshiping at the shrine of the red priestess.” Stop fucking smirking, Mike, damn it.

“Who?” Eddie asks.

“Cora,” I roll my eyes at Mike, “our friend Cora. You’ll meet her soon, she’s been out of town but she gets back tonight. She lives on this hall with her boyfriend Cletus.”

“Oh, cool.” Eddie bobs his head like he meets someone named Cletus every other day, and I gape at him, not even caring that I’m being rude as hell.

“Alex, his name is Alex,” Mike shoots me an exasperated look.

“Whatever. Are we almost done here, guys?” I ask, surprising myself a little at how annoyed my voice sounds. I try again, a little more gently, “I just wanna get back to work, okay?”

Jeff shakes his head at me and clicks his tongue. “Yeah, okay, whatever, let me just show Ed around the place really quick.” He goes back to talking Eddie’s ear off as they disappear toward the spare bedroom. With a roll of my eyes, I decide I’m better off loitering in Jeff’s front doorway to try to move these three in the general direction of the studio sooner than later, and Mike grabs a seat on the couch.

Once I’m kind of halfway into the hall, I let out a big, steadying breath. Time to get a grip and stop being such an asshole. It’s not their fault I’m on edge. I didn’t expect to miss her this much. She left on Friday for this wedding in North Carolina, and she’s been so busy with family stuff that we haven’t talked since before she flew out. This is honestly the longest I’ve gone without seeing her or talking to her since we met. Even when she was in Alaska, we talked almost every day, and especially now that Jeff and Lucy are joined at the hip all the time, I just take it for granted that I’ll get to see Cora every couple of days for one reason or another. She’ll drop by to hear us play, or come out to catch a show with us, or we’ll grab a drink during her shift at Cyclops. Sometimes I have to put up with Alex hanging out too, but it’s been worth it to have her become such a consistent part of the landscape.

“I said, RIGHT STONE?”

I shake my head back over my shoulder at Jeff, who’s staring at me like I’ve lost my mind. “I… what?”

“I was telling Eddie, we ought to go to Cyclops tonight for a quick bite, it’s like right around the corner from the studio,” Jeff repeats, as Mike nods along and Eddie listens intently.

“But… Cora’s not working tonight,” I mumble stupidly.

Mike’s face cracks into a shit-eating grin. “Stone…” he says slowly, like you’d explain to a senile grandparent, “it doesn’t suddenly stop being a restaurant if Cora’s not there…”

“Ha. Like, uhm, Schrodinger’s cafe?” We all blink at Eddie, because it’s one of the longest sentences he’s spoken since getting here, at least, a sentence not having to do with music.

Also. Fuck. She would have laughed at that joke. But I can’t ever tell it to her. It’s a little too true to be funny.

Eddie has already reverted to scratching the nape of his neck and studying the floor, clearly uncomfortable with our attention, so Jeff goes back to giving him the scenic tour, Mike helps himself to some chips on Jeff’s counter, and I go back to my solitary post in the doorframe. Until I hear a voice in the hallway that makes me automatically duck back inside the apartment.

I can’t make out exactly what he’s saying, but that’s definitely Alex’s voice, hushed and mumbling. What is he doing home on a Tuesday? Who’s he talking to? It’s the woman’s flirty giggle that makes me tilt my head slightly out of the door against my better judgment.

I look out just in time to see a grinning Alex follow some girl I’ve never seen before into his apartment, speaking into her ear with his hands resting low on her hips. He shuts the door behind himself, too focused on his friend to notice me, and the sound echoes in my ears and pounds through my veins. The guys join me out in the hallway and ask me if I’m ready to go, and I nod, swallowing hard to lock the rage down in my chest.

***

“Uh, hey, sweetie, it’s me, and now that I think of it, it made absolutely no sense to come inside and call you because you’re probably already in the car on your way, or worse, you’re out circling the airport looking for my dumb ass, but anyway, I was just looking for your car at the terminal. Hope you didn’t get stuck somewhere or something, or… and great, now I’m rambling into the void, so I’m gonna hang up and go back outside to keep an eye out. Disregard! Love you.”

I hang up the grimy payphone and make my way back outside to the curb, with my bag at my feet and the world’s ugliest bridesmaid’s dress in a dry cleaning bag over my shoulder. Orange. As in, day-glo orange. It looked fine on my cousin Annie’s sisters and friends, who are all Southern belles with radiant sun-worshipper tans, so if I squint, I can maybe understand why she picked the color out, but on me? Ghostly pale even before I’d spent the last year in Seattle, with flaming red hair? I looked like a fucking Bic lighter if you’d made it wear a corsage. Vowing to use just such a Bic lighter to burn any wedding photos she sends me, I scan the oncoming cars for Alex’s Jeep, but it’s still nowhere to be seen.

He didn’t forget. It’s rush hour, there was probably traffic.

Half an hour later, with a painful lump of anxiety in my throat, I give up on waiting and try again, but this time I hang up as soon as I get the machine, figuring another pointless message won’t do me any good. Where is he? I gave him the right flight information. Ugh, down girl. Just give him a little more time.

I take my bag and dress back to my lonely spot on the curb, feeling increasingly heartsick as the minutes drag by and approach an hour and a half past the time we’d agreed upon, although I put on what I hope is a believable smile when the security guard asks me if I’m alright after passing me for the fourth time. What if something’s wrong? What if he’s sick, or had an accident? The thought feels like ice water down my spine, and this time I leave all my shit outside as I head back in to the row of phones. I have two quarters left. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to keep ringing my own phone off the hook. Maybe Lucy’s home. I don’t even want a ride anymore, I can get a fucking cab. I want someone to go up to my apartment and make sure Alex is okay.

“You’ve reached Lucy Rosenfelder, I’m not home right now but –” I hang up on my friend’s sunshine voice and swallow hard. Okay. Maybe she’s at Jeff’s. I’ve just resolved to call his number when I remember there’s no way in hell any of the guys are at home with their new singer in town. Stone said the new guy was adamant about working around the clock, and the memory of Stone trying not to appear impressed by the singer’s work ethic is almost enough to make me smile through my disquiet.

I root through my shoulder bag for my copy of A People’s History of the United States, which has as its bookmark a folded piece of notebook paper with the phone number for Potato Head on it in Stone’s handwriting. It’s not far from the building, so maybe if Lucy’s with the guys she wouldn’t mind running home to check on Alex without interrupting their practice. I drop my last quarter in and dial.

The phone rings, and rings, and rings. Of course there’s no answering machine in the basement of the gallery, why would there be? A wave of nausea rises up as the stupidity of my idea dawns on me and I make to hang up the phone. Either they’re not there, or they’re playing and they can’t hear the phone, but anyway, I’m resigning and pulling the receiver away from my ear when I hear a voice. A really deep voice that I don’t recognize.

“Hello?”

I yank the phone back. “Hello? Oh, sorry, uhm, sorry to bother you, I think I have the wrong number –”

I trail off as I make to hang up the phone, but the voice starts shouting.

“No, no, hey, hello? HELLO? Shit”

I put the receiver back to my head again, and I hear a cymbal crash and some low bass notes and guys’ voices tumbling around in the background. It starts to make sense.

“Uh, hello, still here… is this Eddie?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” the low voice continues. “Uhm, who’s this?”

“I’m Cora.”

“Oh, Cora, right, hi, uhm, let me get one of the –”

“CORA?” Stone’s yelp cuts over the noise in the background and there’s a muffled sound that can only be him rudely grabbing the receiver from his poor, bewildered new singer. Soon it’s Stone’s voice coming through the receiver, but it’s strained, tense, not at all the familiar lazy tone I expected.

“Cora? What’s up?” Whoa, he sounds pissed. Is he mad at me for interrupting their practice? That’s probably it, I should have thought of that. I’d kick myself, but I really don’t have time for that right now.

“I’m so sorry to bother you guys, seriously, I –”

“Shut the fuck up, you’re not bothering anyone, what’s up?”

“Uhm, I was actually wondering if Lucy was around.”

“No, she’s gonna meet us later, what’s going on? Where are you?” he asks as the gate agent’s nasal voice broadcasts flight information over the loudspeaker behind me.

“I’m at Sea-Tac. Look, I need someone to check on Alex for me, he was supposed to pick me up like two hours ago –”

“motherf–”

“– and I was just looking for someone who could go back to the building and see if he’s okay, or like, maybe he’s had an accident or he’s sick or something –”

“–ucker. What? No, you need a ride is what you need,” Stone growls over the top of my words.

“No, I can get a cab, I –”

“Like hell, Cora. My car’s back that way anyway, I’ll come get you after I check on Alex.”

“What?? No, I didn’t mean to interrupt, that’s going to take you forever, I just –”

“Shut the fuck up, I’m coming to get you. Stay right there.” He hangs up before I can say anything else. Jesus, he sounds mad at me.

Back on the curb, I sink down onto my bag, worry and regret gnawing my insides, and wait for Stone.

***

I’m going to fucking kill him. That motherfucker, I’m going to fucking kill him.

Violent thoughts blur my entire run back to Cora’s building, but even so, there’s no missing the hideous blue Wagoneer that fucking bastard drives. Alex’s car. The thought of Cora waiting at the airport and worrying about him, when he forgot about her and is off with someone else, makes me want to scream. I glance up at the building and count windows until I’m sure I’ve got #41. The windows are all dark. If he and his friend were still home, at least one light would be on somewhere, right? Anyway, it was hours ago that I saw them. He’s out with the girl now, I’ll bet anything, but I’ve got to go knock because I need to be able to tell Cora… Cora. What the hell am I going to tell Cora? I’m taking steps three at a time. I’m pounding on her door. No answer. Of course. I grit my teeth and head downstairs to my car.

When I pull up to the terminal, she’s sitting on the curb next to her luggage with her knees pulled under her chin, but she stands up as soon as she recognizes my car. I jolt the parking brake into place and jump out. Before I can say anything, she starts rambling with her hands up defensively.

“Stone, I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t have come all the way out here, please don’t be mad at me…”

“I’m not… I’m not mad at you, Cora,” I frown at her, pulling up short, “wait, what? Is that what you thought?”

“YES!” She shouts and then chews her bottom lip, like her voice got away from her and she’s trying to rein it back in. “I interrupted your practice, Eddie’s been here like, not even 48 hours and I – and Alex – is Alex okay, did you find him?”

“His car was at the building, but your place was dark and no one answered the door,” I explain as she watches me with worried eyes. “But… I saw him. Earlier today.” With another girl. Say it. With. Another. Girl. Except I can’t make those words come out of my mouth.

“Today?” she repeats quietly, frowning at me.

“Yeah. Yeah. So he’s… he’s fine, he’s safe. I think he just –”

“– forgot. Yeah.” She blinks slowly and nods with a small sniff.

“I’m sorry,” I say lamely, but there’s something else I need to tell her. “You know I’m not mad at you, right? That’s not how this –” I wave my hand between us “– works, okay? You can call me whenever you want.”

I’m trying to keep my voice level, but my insides are churning. I want to tell her everything, I don’t want to tell her a thing because I don’t want to be the one to hurt her, I want to beat that bastard to a pulp, I want to apologize for ever suggesting that he should pick her up from the airport in the first place, I want to wrap her up in my arms, I want…

I stop spinning my wheels when she throws her arms around my waist and buries her head in my chest. All the toxic sludge in my chest evaporates at the feeling of her warm breath through my shirt as she murmurs “thanks, Stone.” I hug her back, but I’m thankful when she lets go first, because I’m not sure I could have.

She picks up her bag and the crumpled up dress, and doesn’t even argue with me or call me a chauvinist asshole when I take them both out of her hands.

It’s a pretty quiet ride back. Cora’s been looking out the window, mostly, although she pipes up occasionally to ask how things have been going with the new singer. I can tell she’s just trying to distract herself, so I fill her in as much as I can, but she doesn’t say much back. The closest we come to actual conversation is when I tell her about Eddie at the Temple rehearsal yesterday, just quietly stepping up to the mic to help Chris out of a tough spot, and intuitively making that song into something entirely different, something better. That gets a smile and a few words out of her, and I know she’s considering teasing me for doubting him, but she holds back. I don’t push any other topics of conversation because I’m afraid of what I’ll say. As we’re getting close to her neighborhood, though, she speaks up sharply.

“Stone? I don’t want to go home yet. Can we go somewhere else?”

I glance away from the road and try to read her face. “Yeah. Uh, I think the guys are at Cyclops by now, you wanna… you wanna go grab a drink?”

She bites her lips in and gives me a small smile and a nod. I hope that was the right answer.

***

“So, Eddie, how are you liking Seattle so far?”

Jeff’s girlfriend Lucy strikes up a conversation with an encouraging smile as she climbs next to Jeff into the opposite side of the booth at this cafe near the gallery. She’s definitely the friendliest person I’ve interacted with since getting here. Not that everyone else has been rude. Jeff and I have probably talked the most because we have so much in common, and the other guys are all cool. Musically, it’s a perfect fit, but they seem okay outside of practice too. Or, at least, I think we’re okay. Dave’s great but I haven’t seen him outside of playing. Mike’s a joker and I’m always worried that somehow I’m the joke. Stone’s been pretty friendly too, as far as I can tell, but it’s all painted over with sarcasm and defensiveness so I’m never really sure what he thinks. But Lucy, she’s clearly the ambassador. She knows when to talk, when not to talk, what to say to make me feel welcome. As welcome as possible, anyway.

“It’s, uh, it’s great. Kinda cold.”

“It’s like 50 degrees, man, this is nothing!” Mike cackles as he sits on her other side, and she glares at him briefly before responding.

“You get used to it, honest. At least it hasn’t been raining much, that’s where you’ll have the most trouble, I think. You’re going to have to get used to rain in the summer!”

A waitress who looks quite a few years younger than us, with a long blonde braid, comes over to greet us and take drink orders. “Just you four this time?”

“Hey Emily. Nah, two more on the way,” Jeff responds, waving to the rest of the empty bench on my side. “Pitcher?” She nods and disappears towards the bar, and Jeff turns his attention back to Lucy, winding an arm around her shoulder and planting a kiss on her cheek. Her cheeks glow and she glances down at her lap self-consciously, but she leans into him with a huge smile. The two of them are soon absorbed in some quiet conversation, lacing fingers and only occasionally looking at anyone else. Happy. I study my hands, trying not to intrude, trying not to think about how it feels. Soon Mike speaks up and gives me a distraction, leaning in with a conspiratory smile.

“So Eddie, when you meet Cora, she actually goes by the nickname Red –”

Whatever he meant by that, it was enough to get the attention of both Lucy and Jeff. He’s scowling at Mike and she’s charitably explaining to me, “no, don’t listen to him, she’ll bite your head off. Stone’s the only one who gets away with calling her that, don’t ask me why.”

“You guys are no fun,” Mike pouts as Emily sets our pitcher and glasses down.

“Honestly, I just made her sound so bitchy, but she’s the sweetest, you’ll love her. Just… don’t ask her about her hair,” Lucy continues.

I just nod, but I’m starting to wonder what the deal is with Stone and this Cora girl. Isn’t she supposed to have a boyfriend?

Why does everything have to make me think about couples? Damn it.

I don’t get much time to sit and feel sorry for myself, though, because Stone has just walked up behind a short, freckled girl, and Mike’s prank makes more sense now that I see her long, flaming red hair, which almost looks unearthly under the orange-shaded halogen light above the booth. It’s a great color and it suits her, but I also understand feeling sensitive about something that makes you different.

Lucy nudges Mike out of his seat and gets up to hug Cora with a worried look on her face, but her friend kind of shrugs her off with a smile and a shake of her head before turning to me.

“Eddie, hi, good to meet you.”

There’s that voice I heard on the phone, although it sounds a little more tired now, a little less keyed up. But it’s still the same tone, warm and a little bit husky. It occurs to me that based on her voice, I thought she’d be taller, before reflecting that’s probably what everyone thinks of me as well.

“Yeah, hey, uhm, nice to meet you,” I mumble, realizing I haven’t responded to her yet, and I lean forward to take the hand she’s offering as she climbs into the seat next to me, followed closely by Stone.

“These assholes been nice to you so far?” She sneers at Mike, who sticks his tongue out at her, and Stone chuckles.

“Yeah, it’s been great,” I say to the table.

“So did you ever figure out what happened to Al –” Lucy’s voice cuts over the growing noise in the cafe, but Stone coughs even louder.

“It’s fine, we got it figured out,” he says casually. I glance over to see him giving Jeff a pointed look while Jeff frowns back and Lucy scrutinizes her friend, who’s now acting as if she hasn’t heard anything because she’s too busy pouring herself what’s left of the beer.

“Shit, that’s not going to work,” Jeff laughs at her pitiful glass that’s more foam than anything else, and flags Emily down for another round and some food.

Over dinner, Jeff and Stone start brainstorming plans for a show as soon as possible. Now here’s somewhere we all agree. I’m mostly just listening and chiming in occasionally to remind them of when I fly back to San Diego and when I can come back up again for a second trip. Other than work, it’s not like I have much to go back for. Stone’s got a good game face, but he’s keeping a close eye on Cora while we talk. She hasn’t said much, also partly because her friend Lucy is holding down a heated argument with Mike about Ayn Rand. She just said something about a misogynistic rape fantasy that made everyone at the table turn their heads and gave Mike a reprieve from obviously having stepped in it.

“Hey, there’s Mark and Matt,” Jeff rasps, waving over toward the door at a tall guy with shaggy blonde hair and and a baby-faced guy with a wild mop of hair who have just walked in. Jeff and Stone excuse themselves to go greet their friends. Lucy and Mike are still deep in their argument about The Fountainhead, and Cora’s nodding along but she doesn’t seem to be paying much attention.

I don’t know this girl and I don’t know her situation, but you’d have to be totally oblivious not to notice that she’s hurting. Obviously this boyfriend of hers stood her up at the airport so Stone had to come bail her out. What kind of person does that to someone they care about? I’m actually kind of intrigued that she wanted to come out with us, rather than going home to find him. That really says it all about this relationship, doesn’t it? Writing’s on the wall.

How come it’s always so much easier to read the writing from the outside?

I wish someone had told me. Beth was gone for months before she really left. That’s how it happens, and you’re lucky if you see it coming. I sure as hell didn’t. Why should I be looking for signs that something I loved was coming to an end? What kind of life is that?

Stop projecting your shit onto this poor girl. I glance down at the bag she still has slung over her shoulder, resting in between us on the bench, and stifle a smile at the collection of buttons and patches covering the messenger flap. She’s still pretending to listen to Lucy and Mike, so she hasn’t noticed me reading them all. It’s like a map of her brain: in the center of it all is a tattered ecology flag patch, neatly stitched on. There are band buttons (I notice the Dark Side of the Moon prism and the Who’s mod sign right away) and political slogans (“homophobia can be cured with education”; “no nukes”; although, weirdly, another one with an atom symbol right next to it; “up yours”; “pro choice”; Rosie the Riveter; a handful of psychedelic classics, the peace sign in the American flag, and more environmental ones than I can count without being creepy). But there’s one button out of all of them that doesn’t seem to make sense with the rest of the group. It confuses me enough that I read it out loud.

“If…if I followed you home, would you keep me?”

She shoots me a sideways glance with sharp brown eyes. Weary. Wary. Wry.

“if you what now?” she asks with a hint of acid in her voice.

I poke in the general direction of her bag, not daring to actually touch anything, and drop my hands in my lap like I’ve been static shocked as we speak at the same time.

“Uhm, your button –”

“– oh, yeah,” her face relaxes into a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay. What’s the deal with that one, though?”

“What do you mean?”

“Kind of an outlier.” I jab at the one about the woman needing a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and its neighbor, the coat hanger. “A pick up line?”

She gives me a puzzled look. “See, I never thought of it that way.”

“You know very many guys?” I laugh.

She glances around conspicuously at our gathering and chuckles. “These guys? Bunch of Casanovas, obviously. Whatever Stone would have you believe, it’s charitable to call it an exaggeration.”

“Fair,” I laugh back as Mike looks increasingly cowed by Lucy’s counter-arguments and Jeff and Stone are surrounded by a bunch of mangy guys over by the bar.

“So then, what does it mean?”

“Hmm?” she squints at me and scrunches her mouth to one side for just a second.

“Your button. What does it mean to you? If not the laziest way ever to try to get invited upstairs.”

She toys with the flap of her bag and prods the button in question. “I picked that up at a thrift store when I was 16, back home.”

“Home’s not here?”

She shakes her head down at her bag. “North Carolina. Mountain Girl, just… wrong mountains.”

“You’re far from home.”

“Not really.”

Two words can carry an avalanche of meaning, and I feel the weight of it looming, so I go back to pointing at the button.

“Anyway, yeah, I’ve had it longer than any of the others, well, except this.” She drags a fingertip across the ecology flag. I make a mental note to ask about that one later. “I don’t know. Back then, it just seemed so… sweet. It’s probably going to sound idiotic or naive now…”

“I doubt it.”

She glances back up. “I don’t know, it’s kind of romantic, isn’t it? That kind of vulnerability? Asking someone to keep you. The whole biblical ‘whither thou goest’ thing, if I still gave a fuck about anything in that book,” she laughs. “Or, like, Perry Como, I guess.”

“Leonard Cohen?” I offer.

“Hey! Much better,” she grins, and it’s the first time I’ve really seen her relax, so I can’t help smiling back. “Anyway, yeah, I was a silly teenage girl when I picked it up, and it fit with my notions at the time. I didn’t know then that’s… that’s not really how any of this works, is it?” The smile is gone and doubt has clouded her face. “Too fucking trusting.”

She picks at the button like it’s a scab now, rather than a decoration. I’m sure as hell not going to say anything out loud, but I feel a certain kinship with her all of a sudden. This near-stranger in a bar, further from home than I am, figuring out the limits of reciprocity the hard way. I know exactly what she means.

“Alright, New Guy,” Stone materializes at the booth with Jeff right behind him. He glances quickly at Cora before continuing, “Mark heard that the Off Ramp needs a band for the 22nd. We doing this or what?”

[ofshipsandswans]

I only came for the dancing

Inspired by a day-in-the-fic-life of the lovelies @mahstatins and @katie-dubHuge thanks to @swanandapirate for beta-ing <3

Summary: It’s Robin and Regina’s wedding; Killian is late, Emma’s not happy and Henry likes cake. Enjoy! 

Word count: 2k 

There were a lot of advantages, Emma would argue, to being Regina Mills' friend.

The lavish dinner parties with the expensive champagne notwithstanding, Emma had come to admire Regina for her determination; building her own empire in a male-dominated world.

Though admittedly, "friend" was a term Emma used in the loosest sense. The two women couldn't be more different, though they both had a stubborn streak that could rival the best of them.

And then, there was Henry. The main force keeping the Mills and Swan women in each other's lives but Emma had to admit, there was a sense of comradeship which had developed from a mutual fondness for Henry.

It still didn't explain why Regina had given Emma the enviable task of bridesmaid.

And that was something none of them saw coming. Regina Mills marrying Robin Locksley, the person she'd swore up and down she wouldn't be within spitting distance of.

C'est la vie, no?

Robin had proposed, Regina accepted and Emma found herself thrown head first into wedding planning. Seven months, a whirlwind of white dresses, cake tasting, flower arrangements, the hen-do from hell and Emma was ready to fling herself off the window ledge, stiletto heels and all.

Not to toot her own horn, but she had the wedding planned to a T, thank you very much. Regina would've had her head otherwise. (There was that one incident with a broken ankle and a missed dress-fitting that no-one wanted a repeat of.)

No, that wasn't the reason why Emma felt like pulling her hair out.

It was more to do with the fact that tall, dark and absent hadn't graced the congregation with his presence, leaving Emma floundering last minute and cursing Killian Jones to the moon and back.

He was the fucking best man.

The best man.

And he was nowhere to be seen.

Emma stood anxiously by the alter, checking her wristwatch, praying that Jones would show up on time.

Five minutes till D-Day, Emma thought sourly.

She fiddled with her bouquet, muttering expletives under her breath that would surely have her expelled from the Church.

Four minutes.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Three minutes.

Dammit Jones.

Robin stood awkwardly, shuffling on his feet, the very picture of nerves. He gave Henry, the ring-bearer, a small nod, his small chest puffing out with pride.

Emma chanced another glance around, eyes peeled for a shock of black hair and baby blue eyes.

Two minutes.

Among the curses she spat at Jones and the hoping his ass wouldn't be late, Emma sent a prayer for her soul.

One minute.

The organ player took a seat, and the first chords of Here Comes the Bride rang out through the hall, the flower girls awkwardly shuffling down the aisle, dumping most of the petals in one go and swinging their empty baskets as they skipped the rest of the way.

Robin looked around, confusion on his face as he noticed his lack of best man, turning questioning eyes on Emma. She was just about to protest that it wasn't her fault.

And that was when the subject in question burst through the doors, the gathered guests standing for whom they expected was the bride, a hum of confusion as they took in the man by the doors.

Killian Jones, in all his windswept hair glory, was bent over and breathing heavily, cheeks and ears tinged pink as he held up a finger as if to quieten the guests. "I made it," he wheezed.

When he caught sufficient breath, he sprinted down the aisle, throwing a quick thumbs-up at Henry and grinning at Robin.

His timing was impeccable as just then, Regina walked down the aisle, her arm looped through her father's and looking as regal as ever. Her train trailed behind her, hair immaculately styled complete with long veil and a reserved smile on her face as she looked at her groom. Emma breathed a sigh of relief, as Regina hadn't seem to notice the less-then-ideal picture of the best man.

As the couple read their vows, Emma glared at Killian, making sure he knew that this wasn't over.

The rest of the wedding had gone smoothly, the interruption by Jones the only hiccup in an otherwise perfect affair. The reception was held in the Ritz Hotel and Emma sipped her drink, watching with amusement as Henry bounced around by the cake, practically drooling at the sight of it. She'd managed to snap a few quick photos of her son in his suit, knowing that as soon as it was time for cake, it wouldn't stand a chance.

She caught Killian by the open bar, nursing a drink of his own. Emma cleared her throat, catching his attention.

"Swan!" He grinned, leaping out of his chair.

"Jones." She nodded, keeping her face neutral.

"It's quite the shindig this." He gestured with his glass to the reception, the music playing from the small orchestra (jeez, Regina didn’t spare any expense), coloured lights lighting the dance floor and general chatter filling the air.

Emma hummed, eyes raking over the man next to her. He squirmed under her gaze and she silently admitted that she enjoyed it.

He coughed, clearing his throat. "Ahem, would you believe it, my flight got delayed and I had to change on the plane. Let me tell you, it's no small feat dressing into a three-piece suit in the confines of an airplane lavatory," he finished, voice rising in pitch as he tried to sell his story.

Emma raised an unamused eyebrow, betrayed by the fact that her lips tugged into a smile. "You’re lucky Regina didn't see you. I'm sure she would've had something to say about that."

He scratched behind his ear, a sheepish smile on his face. "Aye, seems I dodged a bullet there."

They were cut off from further discussion as Henry excitedly announced it was time for cake, digging into his own piece with gusto. Emma took a slice, biting back a moan at the heavenly piece. Those cake tastings were damn well worth it. She was taken aside by Regina, who had changed into something more suited to dancing.

"Thank you, Emma," she said sincerely. "I couldn't have asked for a better friend."

Emma almost choked on her cake. Regina's thank you's were a rarity, and that was when she didn't always mean them. The bride pulled her in for a quick hug, before turning to attend to the other guests. "Oh, and if you see Jones, tell him I want a word."

The next time Emma saw Killian she knew that Regina had got to him first. He motioned for another drink, downing the rum in one go. He looked like a naughty school kid who'd been given a thorough talking-to by the principal, face contrite.

"How bad was it?" Emma asked, sliding into the seat next to him, resting her cheek in her palm as she faced him.  

He shrugged. "Could've been worse. Though I dare say we've reached the bodily threats stage of our relationship."

Emma laughed, clutching her stomach as she gasped for breath.

 "I take offence at that, Swan! You know how terrifying Regina is."

Emma wiped the tears away, clearing her throat. "Hey, you bought that on yourself, buddy."

Killian looked resigned, swirling his drink in the glass.

"Did you have to come in like that?" she said, breaking the silence that had descended on them.

Killian swallowed the last of his drink, smacking his lips and turning to her. "Like what?"

"Like you were a movie hero or something, charging in at the last second to stop the wedding of your beloved."

He leaned in close, and she could smell the rum on his breath. "Don't tell Regina that, love. I'm sure she's already thinking I plan to steal Robin back." He winked.

Emma snorted, quirking an eyebrow and tilting her head. Killian sighed. "If you must know, I did try the back entrance but the sodding thing was locked. Who the bloody hell locks the back entrance?" he exclaimed in indignation.

"Ah, that would be on Zelena's request. Something about keeping the riff-raff out. Her words, not mine." Killian gave her a look. "Don't look at me like that, I didn't know you'd be so late!"

Killian shook his head, muttering. "Zelena...I should've guessed. I swear that woman has had it out for me since the moment we met."

"Must run in the family," Emma mused, raising one shoulder in half a shrug. She swung her stool around, leaning her elbows back on the bar top and watching the crowd.

Killian groaned, rubbing a hand over his face, before following suit. Henry was barrelling towards them; his tie crooked, shirt covered in frosting, and bare-footed. He'd be exhausted by the time they got home but it wasn't a school night so she allowed it.

"Mom! Come dance!" Emma took his small hand in hers, her other hand reaching to take off her heels.

If there was one thing she knew about a sugar-fuelled Henry, was that he had crazy amounts of energy.

"Hi Killian." Henry waved.

"Hello lad. You did wonderful today." Killian winked.

Henry beamed, cheeks pinking under the compliment. He tugged on Emma's hand, and she shot Killian an apologetic smile as she let herself be pulled by her 10-year-old, twirling with him on the dance floor. Her cheeks hurt by the time the music had slowed to something mellow and Henry's jaw cracked in a yawn.

"Alright, kid. Time for bed."

Henry opened his mouth to protest but was betrayed as he yawned again. "'M not sleepy," he lied, eyes drooping.

"Sure you aren't," Emma drawled, rolling her eyes. Emma led him upstairs, the rooms in the hotel rented out for the event. She swiped her key card, quickly making sure Henry brushed his teeth and changed into his pyjamas before kissing him goodnight. He was out like a light before his head hit the pillow.

She smiled softly, switching on the bedside lamp before locking the door behind her and making her way back downstairs. She'd left her heels by the bar, but couldn't find it in herself to regret it, her feet aching after wearing them all day, the soft carpet feeling amazing under her bare feet.

Although her son had dozed off, the reception was still in full spring, and it probably would carry on until the daylight hours. Emma cringed at the thought. She was only running on a few hours of sleep and she should've taken the opportunity to sleep when she took Henry up.

Emma groaned, making her way over to the tables, and slumping down on a chair. Of all the misfortunes, Zelena was there, looking completely sour-faced, scowling at the newlyweds as they danced.

Emma had heard that Zelena's relationship hit the rocks mere days before the wedding, and she would've felt more sympathetic had the sister of the bride not also been strung-up, unhelpful and spiteful (the Mills sisters’ feuds were biblical and Emma got caught in the crossfire when Zelena discovered she wasn't to be a bridesmaid) throughout the whole planning.

Still, not even a vengeful sister (no matter how hard she tried) could ruin what was ultimately a successful wedding but Emma was feeling the effects, the buzz of the day wearing off and leaving her drained. She leaned forward, rubbing at her temples. Maybe she would go back up. She stood, looking around for Regina–wasn’t she just dancing with Robin?–not wanting to go AWOL without the bride knowing lest some last-minute disaster occur whilst she dozes away.

She turned, knocking straight into Killian. “Sorry,” she murmured, hand resting lightly on his chest to keep her balance. “Hey, you didn’t see where the bride went?” she asked hopefully.

Killian nodded, jutting his thumb over his shoulder. “Went that way, with Robin. I wouldn’t disturb them right now if I were you, Swan.”

Emma screwed up her nose, not wanting to think about that. “Ew,” she said aloud and Killian laughed.

Behind them, Zelena scoffed loudly, rolling her eyes. Emma glared at her, though her cheeks flushed when she realised she hadn’t removed her hand. Before she could, Killian took hold, leading her to the dance floor.

“No,” she shook her head, her words slurring slightly. “’M sleepy,” she said in an almost-exact repetition of Henry’s earlier protest.

“One dance.” Killian pouted, pulling her flush against his chest, “A slow one,” he compromised.

Emma was too tired to protest further, resting her head on his shoulder. If she was a bit more awake and a bit more alert, this kind of intimacy would have her running for the hills. As it was, she was exhausted and it felt nice, Killian’s arm warm around her waist as he hummed to the music, making her doze even more.

She lifted her head, a lazy smile on her face. “If I fall asleep, you better not leave me.”

He grinned, “Can I carry you bridal style?”

Emma shrugged, resting her head on his shoulder again. “Yeah, sure. Whatever,” she mumbled.

“Why Swan. I’d be delighted.”