#all outta otter puns

[montereybayaquarium]

We’re tuckered out from another pawsome Sea Otter Awareness Week! 🦦💤

Loved what you learned about otters all week with our otterly adorable sea furball content?

Please consider donating to the Aquarium via the link here: https://mbayaq.co/4gKVSQf

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Okay but like I feel like Diego is the kind of person to flirt with really bad pick-up lines and Klaus is just Not Having It

featuring: Diego being a flustered Mama's boy and Klaus being a disaster dumbass and the two of them being completely in love with each other anyway

DISCLAIMER: None of the pick-up lines are mine, but the responses and ensuing shenanigans are :)

(there's fifty of these so buckle up kids :) sorry not sorry <3)

seriously though some of these are really bad

#1: He A Snack

Diego: Baby, you belong in the vending machine because you’re a snack.

Klaus: Diego you know I’m claustrophobic.

Diego: Don’t you mean Klaus-trophobic??? *finger guns*

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: I want a divorce.

#2: I’m From Hell

Diego: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Klaus: I’m a veteran addict and abuse victim who can see ghosts, Diego.

Klaus: Everything hurts.

#3: Animal Puns

Diego: *points to TV screen playing the Discovery Channel* Hey Klaus.

Diego: You’re my otter half.

Klaus: Diego those are meerkats.

#4: Stars

Diego: The stars are beautiful tonight.

Klaus: Yup.

Diego: You know who else is beautiful?

Klaus: Ben.

#5: Get Out Your Handcuffs Mister

Diego: You’re under arrest… for stealing my heart.

Klaus: Diego you got kicked out of the police academy like five years ago, just give up.

#6: Bad Boys

Diego: *leaning against the doorframe like a moron* So. I hear you like bad boys.

Klaus: Diego you cried because you accidentally stepped on a bee last week.

Diego: Well yeah but -

Klaus: You held a funeral for it. You made us all speak. You had Allison fly in from California. It was a fucking bee, Diego.

Diego: … I wear leather?

Klaus: So does every other kid who shops at Hot Topic. You’re not special.

#7: Prince Charming

Diego: Your knight in shining armor is here -

Klaus: One, that’s a turtleneck, not armor.

Klaus: Two, you’re covered in blood. That’s the opposite of shiny.

Klaus: Three, you smell like dead fish. Go take a shower.

#8: Chemistry

Diego: Did we have a class together? Because I could’ve sworn we had -

Klaus: Chemistry? Yup. Also English and math and foreign languages and history and like every other fucking thing because we grew up in the same sadistic boarding school, Diego.

#9: The Store Can’t Just Give Away Things For Free. That’s A Terrible Way To Run A Business.

Diego: I like your pants.

Klaus: Thanks. I got them out of a dumpster. And yes, you can have them 100% off.

Diego: *voice cracks* Really?

Klaus: No.

#10: Boyfriend Material

Diego: My jeans are made of -

Klaus: You’re wearing leather pants Diego.

Diego: Okay but -

Klaus: So they’re made of leather and they’re not fucking jeans.

#11: Digits

Diego: I lost my phone number. Can I have -

Klaus: None of us have phones, Diego.

Diego: I can… buy us some?

Klaus: Fine. I want my number to be 1-420-420-4201.

Diego: Baby no.

Klaus: *pulling out the puppy dog eyes* Pwetty pwease?

Diego: Fine, but mine’s gonna be 1-696-969-6969.

Klaus: I love you so much. Marry me. Have my babies.

#12: Love At First Sight

Diego: Do you believe in love at first sight or -

Klaus: If I did I’d have already fallen in love with a lot of hot ghosts.

Diego: - should I walk by again?

Klaus: You’ve been pacing for the past ten minutes, Gogo. I think if it was gonna happen it would’ve by now.

#13: You Have Fine Written All Over You

Diego: Are you a parking ticket? Cause -

Klaus: Diego I can’t drive.

#14: His Eyes Are Green Not Blue You Dipshit

Diego: Your eyes are an ocean, and I’m lost at sea.

Klaus: ... can’t you, like, hold your breath forever?

Diego: *blinks* Baby, I love you, but you’re ruining this with our childhood trauma.

Klaus: Well since you’ve refused therapy I just thought this was the next best option.

Diego: I take back what I said about loving you.

#15: Math Is Dumb And I Wish School Would Stop Teaching It

Diego: Are you a forty-five degree angle?

Klaus: Actually, because humans have non-linear body shapes, it’s impossible for their specific angles to be measured -

Diego: Are you high or have you been defiling Five’s books again?

Klaus: *blinks* Why can’t it be both?

Diego: *rethinking life decisions*

#16: Baby I’m All Yours

Diego: Do you have a name?

Klaus: Klaus.

Diego: Or can I call you mine?

Klaus: I mean I prefer “baby”, but sure.

Diego: *super wide eyes* Really?

Klaus: *melts into a puddle of glitter* Yeah, Gogo.

#17: (Not) Bookworms

Diego: Thank god I brought my library card. Cause I’m here to check you out.

Klaus: *through a mouthful of waffles* God isn’t real. We all die and rot beneath the earth to be eaten by maggots. There is no such thing as a higher power.

Klaus: *swallows waffles and takes a really loud slurp of an orange juice and chocolate milk combo*

Klaus: Oh, and the library’s closed for renovations til, like, Christmas so you’re outta luck, sorry.

Diego: I thought you met god? Little girl on a bicycle?

Klaus: Her? Nah, only Satan’s got that much sass. Plus, that wasn’t heaven.

Diego: And you know this how?

Klaus: *squishes Diego’s face with both hands* Think about it. Do you really think dear ol’ dad’s in heaven?

Diego: Can you let of my face please?

#18: Bad Move, Buddy

Diego: Are you a pre-historic fossil? Cause you’re my missing link.

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus: Did you just call me old?

Diego, backing out of the room slowly: What? No! No of course not! No, obviously no, absolutely not -

Klaus: *releases savage war cry*

Diego: *runs for his goddamn life*

#19: I Rate This 0/10

Diego: Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only -

Klaus: I don’t know where I’m from. I’m an orphan.

Diego: Oh… I know, baby -

Klaus: And the piece of shit that adopted me lived in New York anyway. We’re in New York right now actually. Do you need a geography lesson? I think Pogo’s got a map -

Diego: Klaus.

#20: Oh Shit

Diego: If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus: *tears up* I’m nothing?

Diego: Oh no. No no no. No, baby, you’re not nothing, don’t cry, I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant, baby - oh my god please don’t cry -

#21: You’ve Got Everything I’m Searching For

Diego: Is your name Google? Because -

Klaus: Diego. For the last time…

Klaus: My name is Kimberly Linda Aerealia Ulysses Saffron Hargreeves the Twenty-Fourth. I don’t know why I need to keep explaining this to you -

Diego, kissing him quiet: You’re my favorite person in the world, you know that?

#22: Don’t Make Bets You’ll Lose, Luther.

Diego: Luther bet me a hundred bucks I couldn’t talk to the prettiest person here. How do you wanna spend his money?

Klaus: Drugs.

Diego: Baby -

Klaus: *beams* Nah, I’m just kidding. Stuffed giraffes.

Diego: *grins* For Five?

Klaus: *nods* For Five.

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego: He’ll hate them.

Klaus: Exactly. Let’s go.

#23: Deja Vu

Diego: Have we met before?

Klaus: Yes. Obviously. Are you also high?

Diego: No -

Diego: Wait, you’re high?

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus: No?

#24: Such An Optimist

Diego: Are you a time traveller?

Klaus: No, that’s Five.

Diego: Cause I think you’re my future!

Klaus: *stares blankly*

Diego: No? Nothing? Nada?

Klaus: In the future we’re all dead dipshit.

Klaus: Because. Ya know.

Klaus: THERE’S A FUCKING APOCALYPSE COMING.

Diego:

Diego: Okay then.

#25: Please Go To The Hospital.

Diego: Are you my appendix? Cause my stomach’s fluttering and I think I should take you out.

Klaus:

Klaus: Did you drink water from the fish tank again?

Diego: *turning green* Luther dared me to okay???!!!!

#26: Suicidal Tendencies

Diego: Hey gorgeous -

Klaus: Let me guess. I should drop dead?

Diego: What?! No! Baby -

#27: Infinitely On The Naughty List (And Not The Good Kind Of Naughty List (If There Is One I’m Asexual I Don’t Know))

Diego: Are you Santa Klaus? Cause you make all my wishes come true.

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus: You have five seconds to run.

Diego: *already two streets away* Fucking shit -

#28: You Can’t Use That Every Time We Have An Argument, Tony.

Diego: Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?

Klaus: I mean, there’s one in the corner of our living room right now, so I guess?

Diego:

Diego:

Diego:

Diego: *squeaks* You - you can see dinosaur ghosts?

Klaus: I mean, there’s a chance that thing Ben’s petting is just a super deformed ostrich, but yeah, I think so.

Diego:

Diego:

Diego:

Diego: *tearing up* That’s so cool.

#29: A Whole New Kind Of Thirst Trap

Diego: I’m thirsty. But guess whose body is 75% water?

Diego: *smirks*

Klaus: *frowns*

Klaus: Hold on, I know this one…

Diego: Klaus -

Klaus: *snaps fingers* Oh, I know! Luther!

Diego: *horrified* What the fuck Klaus why the fuck would you say that -

#30: What A Tragedy

Diego: You must be a campfire. Because you’re super hot and I want s’more.

Klaus:

Klaus: Diego sweetheart, you’re allergic to marshmallows.

Diego: *tearing up* I know.

Klaus: You wanna hug, baby?

Diego: *crying* Yes please.

#31: That Can’t Be Allowed

Diego: Don’t tell me if you want me to take you out to dinner. Just smile for yes, or do a backflip/somersault/counter-spin gymnastics combination for no.

Klaus: *smirks*

Klaus: *does a triple flip and lands perfectly on the top of the bar counter*

Diego: *turns bright red* That was h-h-hot.

Klaus: *beams and jumps down into Diego’s arms bridal-style*

Klaus: *kisses his cheek* I know, baby.

#32: Merry Christmas

Diego: You’re the reason Santa started the Naughty List.

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: *pouts*

Klaus: No fair! He told me last week I was on the Nice List!

Diego: What? Klaus? What does that -

Diego: OH MY GOD KLAUS IS SANTA DEAD???!!!!

#33: I’ll Keep You Safe, Honey.

Diego: I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me instead?

Klaus: *pulls out a stuffed tiger*

Klaus: He got lost in the kitchen. Don’t worry, I rescued him for you.

Diego: *takes soft tiger*

Diego: *voice cracks* Oh. Thanks.

Klaus: *kisses his forehead* You’re welcome, baby.

#34: Excuse Me?

Diego: The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.

Klaus, internally: Shit. What if he finds out I stole like five of his knives and all of the cookies last week?

Klaus, externally: *blinks*

Klaus: Um… Stefonopolis?

#35: I Am Not Apologizing For This One

Diego: If you were a steak, you’d be well done.

Klaus: But I’m so unique…

Klaus: I talk to the dead, Diego.

Diego: Okay…?

Klaus: *smirks*

Klaus: So wouldn’t I be medium rare?

Ben: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

#36: Leonardo Da Vinci Was Arrested Multiple Times For Homosexual Activity.

Diego: Is this a museum? Cause you’re a work of art.

Klaus: *dancing to the soundtrack of High School Musical 3* Actually Five took me back to Italy once. Leonardo da Vinci and I had some fun.

Diego:

Diego: Oh my god. Seriously?

Diego: *looks up picture of Mona Lisa, now titled Mona Klausa*

Diego: How the fuck -

#37: Why Would You Say That Though

Diego: Am I sleepwalking? Cause I’ve only seen you in my dreams.

Klaus: *sitting on the counter and eating a donut in one bite* Are they dirty?

Luther: *chokes on a pickle*

Diego: Oh my god no -

Diego: Well sometimes -

Diego: I mean no of course not -

Luther: *praying to whoever’s up there to just kill him already*

#38: Be Safe Kids!

Diego: Can you hold this for me?

Klaus: Sweetie, you need to wash your hands.

#39: Apocalypse Averted!

Diego: If looks could kill, you’d be a weapon of mass destruction.

Klaus: *blinks*

Klaus: I thought that was Vanya.

Diego:

Diego, panicking: Holy shit Klaus you can’t just say things like that -

Vanya: *crying from laughter*

#40: Attractive

Diego: Do you swallow magnets? Because you’re -

Klaus: *shoves him up against the wall*

Klaus: How did you find out? Who told you? Was it Ben? I swear to god I’ll kill him -

Diego: *squeaks* What?

#41: First You’ve Gotta Propose Diego

Diego: Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Klaus: Diego. Did you buy me a cake?

Diego:

Klaus:

Diego:

Klaus: I’m waiting.

Diego: Right sir yes sir right away sir -

#42: He May Not Be A Kitten But He Is As Soft As One

Diego: If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Klaus: I’m homeless, Diego.

Diego: What? You are? Oh no, baby - you can come stay with me?

Klaus: *looks up from Disney Princess coloring book and raises an eyebrow* Is your bed available?

Diego, blushing: Ye-yeah, b-ba-baby. Whe-whenever you-u w-want.

Klaus: *smiles*

Klaus: *takes Diego’s hand*

Klaus: Okay.

Diego: *dies a little bit inside (in a good way)*

#43: It’s Just You.

Diego: Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Klaus, blushing: I -

Five: DIEGO. THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE. NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

#44: ‘Scuse Me, Mate?

Diego: You know, penguins mate for life. Wanna be my penguin?

Klaus: Eh. I’ve always been more of an iguana man.

Diego:

Diego:

Diego:

Diego: What?

#45: You Look Like… Antonio Banderas With The Long Hair.

Diego: How’s the most beautiful person in the world doing today?

Klaus: *buried in a Vogue magazine* I don’t know I’m not Antonio Banderas.

#46: What The Fuck Klaus

Diego: Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.

Klaus: *hands him a Candyland board* Here. I stole it from Pogo.

#47: You Dumbass

Diego: I hate my last name. Can I borrow yours?

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus:

Klaus: We have the same last name, Diego.

Diego: *blinks*

Diego: Fuck you’re right -

#48: Okay But Diego Would Make A Great Aladdin Though

Diego: I’m not a genie, but I can still make your dreams come true.

Klaus: *wrinkles his nose*

Klaus: You can get me a pink elephant with jaundice?

Diego: *blinks*

Diego: What the fuck Klaus -

#49: HELLO

Diego: Is that a knife or are you just happy to see me?

Klaus: I don’t just have random knives on me Diego, I’m not you.

Diego: So you are happy to see me?

Klaus: I mean you just interrupted a very riveting episode of Sesame Street, so… we’ll see.

#50: It’s Always Best To Start With The Truth.

Diego: I love you.

Klaus: *beams* That’s all you had to say, darling.

[megalodon-writes]

Misunderstandings

Pairing - Akaashi Keiji x F!Reader

Word Count - 1.5k - Part I

Warnings - slight unwanted physical contact 

Synopsis - The reader sees a couple strange men at her work.

Part I - Part II - Part III - Part IV

a/n: I have worked really hard on this fic for about 6 days now. I had the idea while watching Finding Nemo (along with some akaashi fics) and this story is very close to me. thanks to @/dorkyama , @/spicyness , @/thicchaikyuuboys , Arnold, and Victor for helping me with questions/concerns/editing. I’m not gonna apologize for all the fish facts in this series bc high key im a slut for aquatic life

“Did you guys know that otters hold each other's hands when sleeping in the water to avoid drifting away from each other?” You said into the mic, watching the few otters swim around playfully. A couple little girls' mouths flew open and they sighed wistfully. You chuckled with how sweet they were. “Otterly adorable, if I do say so myself.” Usually, when you said some sort of pun, you got a groan from others. But you started giggling when you heard ugly laughter in the back from a guy who looked like an owl.

“That was not funny.” A little boy said seriously, crossing his arms. You looked at him and smiled sweetly.

“I thought it was hilarious.” A man said, standing behind the boy. His hair was spiked up and it looked like he had forgotten to re-dye his hair for a long time. The boy carefully turned around and his eyes grew wide.

“Whoa! You’re.. You’re…!” The kid stuttered. You raised an eyebrow and looked at the guy, trying to remember if you had seen him somewhere before. The man that was standing behind him piqued your interest. He was attractive, his messy black hair framed his stoic face nicely.

“Hey kid.” The guy who looked like an owl grinned. He stuck his hand out and shook the kids hand vigorously. The boy looked excitedly at his palm, before running off to his parents.

“Are you a celebrity or something?” You asked the man. You didn’t mean for it to come across rude, but you would have thought you shattered his world from how he looked at you. “Oh, I didn’t reali-”

“He’s fine.” The dark haired guy said. “Bokuto plays on a professional volleyball team.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t watch.” You said. Just then a little kid came up and tugged on your shirt.

“Hi, um, what are the otters named?” She said, her voice reminding you of songbirds. You bent down so you could look her in the eyes and smiled.

“Hey sweetie. That one is Jasper, and the other is Kegin.” You pointed out the two cuddling and the girl's eyes lit up. “The other three are Daya, Sunshine, and Moon.”

“Akaashi! Touch pool!” The volleyball player yelled, grabbing the other guy's hand and dragging him over to the stingrays. 

You stood up after the girl ran off and you glanced over at the two guys. The one named Akaashi was standing there barely leaning over the edge while Bokuto had his whole arm in. You thought it was adorable when Akaashi made a face as he grabbed Bokuto's sleeve to pull it out of the water. You quickly looked away when his blue green eyes met your gaze. Turning back towards the otters, you gave several more facts into the microphone, hoping the guy didn’t notice you staring. Once the time came, you switched headsets with your replacement and hurried to your other station. As soon as you arrived, you gave several quick facts out and took a nice, deep breath, pondering if you would see that cute guy and his chaotic friend again. The way the fish moved in the water was so calming that you watched the sharks for longer than you probably should have.

“That one has a gnarly bite outta it!” A blonde haired teenager said to his date, knocking you out of your trance. “Look!” He pointed to one of the reef sharks that had a large circular scar on it’s side. You smiled and scanned the crowd, but your heart stopped when you saw Tozen walk in. He grinned and sauntered up to place a hand on your shoulder. You cringed slightly and mentally kicked yourself from forgetting you were going to have to present with him.

“Hey.” His smile made your toes curl. “I’m glad we get to be partnered up.” He let his hand fall away, but not without brushing down your entire arm. It wasn’t drawn out, but it still sent chills up your spine and you looked at the ground. 

“Yeah.” You mumbled. 

“What’s up guys?” He said excitedly into his mic. “I’m Tozen and this lovely woman is Y/N. We’re going to be giving you a small presentation about sharks so if you have any questions, remember them for the end of it!” You took a deep breath and forced yourself to focus on everything except him. 

“Please sit on the benches and if there’s room then scoot closer.” You smiled and looked at the people. The two guys from earlier walked in and your heart lifted as Bokuto waved happily. You threw your hand up in a small response before they snagged seats in the front row. 

“By raising your hand, how many of you like sharks?” You asked. Bokuto's hand shot up followed by Akaashi and several others. One little boy turned to his mother and not so quietly whispered how much he loved them. “Me too! So what we have in here are some reef sharks, a couple sandbar sharks, and a few guitar fish!”

“Don’t forget the sea turtle and the other aquatics.” Tozen laughed. Honestly, you preferred when he presented because it didn’t give him as much of a chance to do things that made you uncomfortable. You let out a shaky breath you didn’t realize you were holding and got wrapped up in the presentation. Your favorite thing was that every time you gave a fact or some form of fish trivia, Bokuto looked like a kid given free reign in a sweets store. You kept letting your eyes drift to Akaashi, and everytime you met his gaze you felt the butterflies in your stomach become more alive. You opened the floor up for questions and several peoples hands were raised, including Bokutos. You chose a kind looking boy with a red baseball cap on.

“Hi sweetie, what’s your name?”

“I’m Nen.”

“Hi Nen! What’s your question?”

“Why is that one shark hurt?” He asked, worry laced in his voice. Bokutos hand dropped and he leaned forward intently. 

“She actually healed up nicely so she doesn’t hurt anymore!” You said, making Nen give a small smile. “Sometimes sharks bite others to establish dominance or-”

“That specific one is a female and sometimes the mating process of sharks can be a bit rough.” Tozen said, looking at you. You had to bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from giving a reaction that would probably be best described as gagging. His comment caught you so off guard that you felt like you had been thrown into a hot pan. Akaashi’s eyebrows furrowed when you looked at him.

“Usually, they get playing around and sometimes just bite each other. That’s what happened to our sweet Miyako here.” You took a couple steps farther away from Tozen and continued answering questions until no one else raised their hands.

“Alright, thank you guys for coming! Go ahead and check out our other shows for the day! We’ve got a seahorse feeding, penguin talk, and others!” He grinned and waved to everyone. “Not to mention if you buy our stingray package, you get a small plushie and some food to feed them right out of your hand!” A few people said thanks as they left to find out about the stingrays and others went to marvel at the sharks.

“We have to do that, Akaashi.” Bokuto said. “I want to feed the stingrays. I bonded with them.” You snickered under your breath and suddenly the two men were standing next to you. “Hey, you’re really smart!” He said happily. You laughed and switched the mic off, sliding it into your back pocket.

“Thanks for being so excited. Honestly, it made my day that you were ecstatic.” 

“You know a lot about sharks.” Akaashi said simply.

“I’m currently studying to be a marine biologist. Plus, they’re my favorite animal. It’s the whole reason I decided to work here.” You smiled sweetly but your heart sank as you felt Tozens arm snake around your shoulders.

“We’re glad to have her. She’s quite brilliant.” He smiled down at you. You stood there, rooted to the spot and clenched your fist. “I’m Tozen.” He moved his arm off of your shoulders and stuck his hand out. Bokuto shook it quickly but when it was Akaashis turn he folded his arms. “Okay. Well, I’ve got to go to another presentation so it was nice to meet you guys.” He gave you one last look before leaving the room. Your entire body relaxed and you blinked several times.

“You’re not giving any other presentations today, right?” Akaashi asked, watching where Tozen had disappeared. You raised an eyebrow at him and shook your head.

“No, this was the last one.”

“Ah man.” Bokuto complained. “You’re really fun to listen to.” You were touched by the small compliment. Grinning, you pulled out your phone to look at your schedule.

“Well, you guys are welcome to come back again. I have more presentations over the next couple of days.”

“We also could just hang out outside of your work.” Akaashi suggested, making Bokuto's face light up.

“Yeah!”

[montereybayaquarium]

🦦💤 We’re just hittin’ snooze on Sea Otter Awareness Week until next year…