#all month I havent slept more than 3/4 hours a day

[regardingjenmish]

I’ve had such a weird/kind of a bad week, which is why I’ve been so inactive. My mood has been kind of shit especially after this weekend so I’ve been kind of hiding and just trying to relax until life stops kicking me. Hopefully this week is better even tho I still have a weird gut feeling about it.

[farfromtommy]

better than this (dad!chris evans)

summary: a little insight into life as a parent with chris throughout the years 

warnings: talk of preterm labor but nothing graphic or major

word count: 2,250

A/N: okay so like this idea came to me at 2 am and wrote it till about 5 in the morning and im crying at the softness. totally unedited and posted bc im so obsessed with it. i havent written in this kind of format before but i loved loved loved it. i was also thinking while writing this to do this but for steve rogers and i swear i lost my mind. if you guys are interested in something like that id love to write this but for steve <3 

masterlist 

add yourself to my taglist here! 

After meeting through some mutual friends you fell in love with each other. Chris swore he would have married you after your first date. A ring came about a year and a half later, Chris not wanting to call you anything but his wife for any longer. One dream wedding and a month-long honeymoon around the world, you were Mrs. Y/N Evans.

The conversation about kids came fairly early in the relationship. Him coming from a big family, he wanted the same for himself. He wanted a big house in the Massachusetts suburbs, the white picket fence, a couple of dogs, and the kids. He wanted to come home from work being attacked by a couple of kids and seeing you walking towards him barefoot and pregnant.

You were an only child to divorced parents, growing up mostly on your own. You never saw yourself as a mom, but always loved the idea of running after a couple of kids. Never wanting to bring a child into the kind of world you grew up in. The sad and lonely kind of world you endured most of your life. After meeting his family after a couple of months of dating and seeing the way he interacted with his nieces and nephews, you couldn’t help but hope to see yourself raising some kids with him.

He loved the idea of raising a family with you.

Grayson Christopher Evans

You brought your first child into the world not too long after your wedding.

You were in labor for about 16 hours before you were met with the screams of a baby boy.

Your baby boy.

He cried and cried until his skin met yours, calming him down almost instantly. Looking over at Chris who was at an absolute loss for words at the little person calming himself with the sound of your heartbeat. He looked at you for a while before looking back at his baby boy.

Chris couldn’t quite process the feelings he felt that night his son was born. He knew how much he loved you. You knew how much you loved him. But having this little person as a tangible expression of your love and commitment for each other was just beyond him. It was beyond anyone.

Grayson was just like his dad. Almost an exact copy of him if you were being honest. The same big blue eyes. The same soft brown hair. The same everything. Lisa often said how much Grayson was just like Chris was when he was a kid. There was little of you visible in him. Maybe he had the curve of your nose and the shape of your lips. But he was all Chris.

His little personality bubbling since day one. You couldn't have asked for a more perfect baby. He giggled as much as he could and played until he fell asleep with a toy in his hand. You were so lucky to have been gifted this little boy as your first baby. Chris had been struggling to balance work and his responsibility to you and Grayson but never failed to make sure you knew how loved you both were, even from thousands of miles apart.

Eleanor Olivia Evans

After another long labor, you welcomed a little girl into your new family of 4. A tiny little girl who, just like your boy once did, calmed themselves down at the sound of your heart and the warmth from your body. Chris once again sat there just absolutely beside himself at the sight of the love of his life with his little girl on your chest.

Introducing Eleanor, or Ellie, to Grayson was probably one of the greatest moments of your life. Chris walked in with Grayson in his arms telling him that we needed to use our indoor voices when talking to mommy and the baby. Grayson quickly climbed to sit right next to you, not bearing even 1 day away from you. You hugged your little boy and talked to him about meeting his sister. Grayson ran his little hands running along Eleanor’s cheeks as you sat there crying at the moment they were having with each other.

Now with a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old life couldn’t have been sweeter. You had hardly been working while pregnant with Ellie, still having to keep up with a rambunctious toddler. Before kids, you were doing some writing for all sorts of movies and TV shows. After kids, you took fewer jobs that require travel and stayed mostly local.

Chris not wanting to leave you at home with a toddler and a newborn had made sure his work kept him close or allowed you and the kids to go with him. You both wanted to make sure you were there when Grayson and Ellie needed you.

If Grayson was a mama’s boy, Ellie was 1000% a daddy’s girl. She refused to let Chris out of her sight if she could help it. She refused to sleep most nights without hearing the sound of her dad’s voice and would cry and cry if he didn’t sing her to sleep. When Chris was pulled away for a week for work you were losing your mind trying to get her to sleep.

After a mild breakdown, you gave in and called Chris knowing even hearing his voice over the phone would calm the baby down. He sat there on the phone and just talked to her. She fell asleep almost immediately and slept through most of the night. You thanked Chris and ended up asking him for voice recordings of him talking and singing so you could play them in case he was pulled away again.

Charlotte Rose Evans

Charlotte, or Charlie as she's been nicknamed by her siblings, came into the world with a crew waiting so patiently for her arrival. By far the most painful and complicated birth you have had, she had quite dramatically made her entrance into the Evans family.

You had been monitored closely the last couple of months of your pregnancy as Miss Charlie tried to make an appearance early. You had some complications about halfway through and your midwife had been worried about possible preterm labor. You had started to have what you knew were contractions at 30 weeks and were immediately rushed into the hospital to try and halt the contractions and luckily succeeding.

You were placed on strict bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy, not even allowed to stand at the stove making dinner, only getting up to use the bathroom and move from the bed to the couch.

It didn’t make your life with an overactive 4 and 2-year-old easy at all. Chris stayed home 24/7 to take care of you and his mom and sisters rotating taking the time to stay with you to help with the kids.

When Charlie did make her debut both of you were as healthy as you could be. Once again, bringing Chris to tears as another baby made their way into your family. He didn’t know he was capable of loving this much. He thought he had reached capacity after Ellie but the love he had for you and his kids just kept growing as you kept adding on.

If Grayson was all Chris, Charlie was all you. Except for her blue eye, which you figured would be a pattern with your kids. She was a copy of you and Chris ate it up. Eleanor is a perfect combination of the two of you. You could see the traits of you as well as the traits of Chris throughout her. But Charlie was completely you.

Grayson fit right into his role as big brother and protector of the Evans girls. He made sure every night he said goodnight to his sisters and told them he loved them with a kiss on their foreheads.

Ellie was excited that she no longer had to share her dolls with Grayson and would finally have a girl to play with. Charlie looked up to her big sister, seeing her as the most amazing person she has ever met.

Grayson, however, felt like he needed another sibling, specifically a boy sibling, and constantly asked you for a brother. He said to you over and over again that his friends at school had brothers and he needed one so very bad. You and Chris had agreed to stop at 3 but had given into the idea of having 1 more to try and even out the numbers. With Grayson in 2nd grade, Ellie in kindergarten, and Charlie starting Pre-K soon, having another wouldn’t be impossible.

Declan Robert Evans

The 2nd boy and the 4th and final child Chris and Y/N had brought into their world. Another perfect mix of Chris and Y/N.

His birth being the last time you would be in the hospital having a baby made it just that more emotional. You soaked in the first moments of his life just a little bit more. Chris cried just a couple more tears, seeing that angel on your chest for the first time. You admired the father of your children just a little more seeing him introduce the addition to the family to your other kids. Adoring the look on Grayson’s face when you set Declan on his lap, finally meeting the little brother he’d been wanting. Asking you if he could take him to class to show off to all his friends.

Walking around your house Declan’s first day home was more emotional than you had thought it would be. You brought every single one of your babies right through your front door. You had pictures littered around the house of moments in your life you were lucky to have immortalized forever. Knowing you had started your family here made you love everything just that much more.

Declan now 5 years old, Charlotte 8 years old, Eleanor 10 years old and Grayson at 12 years old you couldn’t imagine life any differently. You and Chris celebrated 13 years of marriage and almost 15 years together surrounded by the physical representations of the love you two shared for each other was unexplainable.

You had slowly started to get back into the work you loved doing so much after Declan started school. You were able to work on projects offered to you with Chris and had become an unstoppable duo professionally and personally.

Even having the amazing opportunities to do something you loved to do, nothing would ever beat sitting around a table listening to your kids talk about everything and anything that came to mind. Listening to them talk about what happened at school or about upcoming events they want to participate in was the highlight of your day.

Grayson had been playing with a football the moment he could pick one up. Chris nearly cried when Grayson had approached you guys about doing little league football at the rec center. Chris had been watching Patriot's games with Grayson since the day he was born. Taking him to games with Scott whenever they had the chance. The love for football ran in his blood and when he found out he could play on a team he took the chance as soon as it presented himself.

Eleanor had found a love for music and performing, just like her dad. She had picked up music and singing at a very young age, which probably came from her dad's love of performing. You encouraged her to pursue her love for music by telling her stories of when her daddy was young and used to stand on stage before he started doing big movies. She loved looking at pictures and watching old videos of Chris performing in high school whenever she'd visit Grandma Lisa.

Charlotte had picked up your love of reading and writing as soon as she could. Her favorite day of the week is when her class gets to spend time at the library finding new things to read and learn about. So far a running theme with her is books about nature and animals. She loves sitting down with you in the afternoon and telling you about what she learned in the science portion of her day. She had learned about how plants and animals interact and how important they are for all humans. She told you that when she's big she wants to make sure no one ever hurts plants and animals since they are so important for us.

Declan hadn't quite developed a love for something like his siblings had. All he cares about right now is the kind of snacks his mom packs for him and superheroes. You and Chris had introduced him to the world of superheroes recently, knowing that being in school someone was bound to mention to him about seeing his dad on a movie they watched. He was obsessed with the fact that his dad was a superhero once upon a time. He loved watching Chris' movies and would always ask to watch them whenever Chris wasn't home.

You looked at Chris from across the table as Grayson talked to him about football tryouts and asking him if they could practice after dinner. He felt your eyes on him and looked at you with a smirk and a wink thrown at you before giving Grayson his attention again.

You sat back a little to look around at this family surrounding you, knowing there was nothing better than this.

[thedankfaerie]

i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel 

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you. 

 and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself. 

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time. 

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive. 

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’. 

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once! 

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately. 

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class. 

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point. 

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore. 

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us. 

someone please help me. 

[frugalhoe]

Life Update

- I’m still working 70+ hours a week at my vanilla job but fwb insisted I take a real day off (first one in months! No school, no work). So I took yesterday off. Slept 9 hours, did some more car shopping online, took my dog hiking and finally bought some food for myself. I still need to buy some red onions and cat litter but otherwise I’m okay for a week or two. I’ll be making smoothies, bacon tempeh salad, black bean burgers, chicken tenders & fries and taco rice bowls. 

- I was approved for deferment on my student loans meaning I no longer have to make payments while in school. I was able to submit the paperwork I needed to show that I’m enrolled in school at least part time. Pretty easy process for anyone else trying to do this. On the flip side, I was denied loan consolidation. I have a $10K debt on my old university’s bursar - which is preventing me from submitting my college transcripts. I was denied because it’s classified as a “private education loan” :( So now I really have to pay all the $10,000 first.....

- My credit score went up 80 points once I got out of default on my student loans! I used a small portion of my refund to pay off my current balance on my credit card.

- I received part of my refund ($3700 of the 8200). I’ve decided to spend no more than half of it on a car and use the rest of the money to invest in myself. Having a car will free up an extra 4 hours everyday so I plan to use that extra time to go to a higher end gym, take yoga classes, sleep and study a little more. I’ll buy those memberships whenever the coronavirus is over and done with. 

- I started taking Vitex+ progesterone to try to balance out my hormones. One of the big reasons I havent gone back to escorting yet is because my cycle is out of whack. I went off birth control for a month and half. I've been back on bc for a year but my period is still heavier than usual and I have it 5-6 weeks at a time. I use sponges and have worked using them but my cycle is too heavy. Hopefully the extra progesterone will get me back to normal 🙏

- I also got special approval from work to do the 10 DAY race next year back in Phoenix! I did the 200 mile distance last year and I can’t wait to go back. It’ll cost me about $1500 including the flight but it’s worth every penny. My stretch goal is to run 500 miles but I’m unsure about how to train for that distance. Training plans for this intensity don’t really exist. 

- I registered for Summer classes the other day. I’ve been thinking about the MINIMUM education I need to become a professional web designer for sex workers. My school also offers an associates degree in web design. I still plan to pursue my PhD in computer science but it is very difficult to take all these heavy science classes with my vanilla job. 

My tentative plan is to get back into escorting asap, earn my associates degree in web design, start my web design business and start taking more math/science classes, leave my vanilla job or just go down to part time and earn my B.S. in computer science and then attend grad school at the University of Washington in Seattle.

So. I’m going to try a few classes in the web design program this summer. I’ll be taking everything online - Photoshop I, Illustrator I, Intro. to visual communications and lastly, pre-calculus. 14 credits total but it’s all online so it could be easier for me to manage everything. We’ll see I guess....I might drop one class without penalty once I see all of my syllabi. I have to take 7 math classes for my B.S. so I’m trying to still continue on with my math courses each semester. 

Summer is the slow season at my vanilla job as well so I’m a little optimistic lol. 

Well that’s all I have right now. Until I end up in quarantine (not sick yet), I’ll be doing big updates like these.

3/18/20

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[missjackil]

My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4. 

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help. 

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts. 

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both?  Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so”  Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and  was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit. 

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs. 

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt. 

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane. 

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting. 

[rogue-snorunt]

Can I still be nosy? 7, 8, 16, 18, 19, 31, 43, 44

i’m shook because someone actually wanting to get to know my doofy ass ; u ;7. Do you have tattos?Yep! got 3 tho tech one is a two-parter: +The Great Chain from Bioshock with “A man chooses, a slave obeys” quote on left wrist.+ Assassins Creed feathered insignia from the second game on right wrist.+ White ink skeletal angler fish on right side of left calf with its angler wrapping around to left side turning into a branch in which a cute ass fluffy owl sits as its lure.8. Want tattoos?Yep, and I want to get more : Gene’s star tattoo from Outlaw Star; Cardinal and some Daisies ( nana and great nana’s spirit bird and favorite flower) and a crow (my favorite birb) done in a mixed style of abstract and geometric shapes. The Marker from Dead Space with possible “Altmen be Praised” But both a phobia of needles (ironic i know but the tattoos i have already I did as a sort of self forced exposure therapy) and money currently prevent them,16. I’ll love you if…You treat me like a decent human should treat others; give me food, are patient, I am able to relate to you due to similar likes and interests. 18, Most traumatic experience:strap in- this is gonna be long  and I apologize: 

three years old- dad chasing and holding me down and forcing piercing my ears with a needle and an ice cube.six years old - the cat I’ve had an lived since birth and was my only friend: scratching me in the face , it was my fault as I pulled his tail like dumbass kids tend to do, resulting in the cat running outside and getting ran over by my day. i lost my best friend and my right eye that day.16 years old - accidentally getting left behind at a gas station in new jersey because I had to pee and left my phone in the car.

17 years old - Let my fathers dog - Milkshake out before taking a quick shower only to get a knock on the door a few minutes later by a random dude who informed me he had hit Milkshake. there was nothing anyone could do and no place was open so on christmas day I laid in the snowy road with Milkshake while she choked on blood for a couple of minutes and than died.  19 years old - 3 months into driving, a deer running out infront of me and I swerved to miss it resulting me to go off the road on a steep guard rail-less hill. my car got air and I popped all four tires; the frame got shifted 4 inches to the right, bent the control arm, it flipped on its side and my 50 pound toolbox getting thrown my backseat, missing my head by a few inches and smashing into my windshield. my car landed a few feet from a metal pole in a ditch. the only reason I was able to get out was because I happened to have the sun roof open that day and managed to fit through it.   Instead of  going to the hospital after, like the intelligent person I am,  I just went home and slept for 3 days.22 years old - getting rammed from behind doing 75 on the highway by a white truck while trying to pass a semi-truck while driving home for the weekend from college. fishtailing then doing a couple 360′s managing to not hit the semi truck besides me or the truck behind me and stopping inches from hitting the guardrail, facing the opposite direction. again, did not go to hospital; went to my friends restaurant where I worked at the time and just went to sleep on the dining room floor.22 years old - crossing the crosswalk on my way to my friends restaurant and assuming the suv coming down the hill would abide by the laws of this land but instead getting double-tapped by an old lady.  No hospital - went to restaurant and went to sleep in the hallway to the house above the restaurant.23 years old - the head gasket in my 88′ Ford Bronco exploding while driving back to college on a dark and very stormy night. I had to stand in a downpour next to a giant fireball for 2 hours waiting for the cops to come.25 years old - moved to Wisconsin for a bit and while riding the bus to work, a man apparently disapproved of how I was sitting and punched me.Few months later a finch flew into our apartment building and I tried my best but it died in my hands.26 to 27 years old -  Moved back to new york; where my step mom died and her appearance at the wake still fucks me up.Than I began working at a bakery and worked with an unstable man who would black out; scream, throw and break equipment and threatened to hurt/ kill me and lock everyone inside the bakery and burn it.and finally 27 years old: on january 31st - my friend was driving me home before a bad snowstorm hit and we hit black ice and slammed into a tree. the airbag broke my hand; face and glasses and fucked up my ribs, left lung and have a damaged nerve in my neck. The feeling of getting the air knocked out of you and not being to breath and the agony of trying to was the worst pain i’ve ever experienced  in my life and I was in and out of the hospital for 5 years with pancreatitis, kidney stones and infection, ulcers and organ shut downs all at the same time. last: having to put my dog with prostate cancer down after he wasn’t getting better. he died in my lap and it still haunts me.19: a fact about your personality take away the silly manner of speaking and vocab; puns and dumb jokes, pop culture references and goofy mannerisms : I’m just a dumb emotional asshole. 31. Last text message“I can’t help that I’m a slut for grade a memes and maple candy, stop shaming me”43. Sexiest person who comes to mind:tbh, i havent had a thought like this but now that I am @life-is-no-sugarlicking ‘s roy ; gage , dean winchester and ryan goslin come to mind.44. random fact:alot of food advertised as gluten free is naturally so already. Companies like advertising that and repackaging it to sell at a higher price just because they slapped “GLUTEN FREE!” on something they been selling already for years. and its a trap alot of people newly diagnosed with celiac’s are victim too.   Rice; Veggies, Meats, Potatoes, Corn starch, Corn Tortillas, Cheerios, Rice Chex, Fruits, marshmallows, chocolate and gummi worms/bears/etc, also oatmeals are naturally gluten free so you don’t need to buy that special overpriced junk.if it requires a rue (thickener like in gravies and chowder) / is a soup/ requires a binder such as meatballs and meat loaf/  needs to be baked or fried / beer or other alcohol like that  = 99% chance its gluten, don’t eat it! vodka; rum; tequila, i believe gin and apple ale are all gluten free.you can use corn starch in lieu of flour for making gravies and soups Advice? Read the labels for everything. Personally, as long as it doesnt actually contain wheat/wheat by products or gluten, I can have things with “MAY contain..” but everyone is different and more sensitive than others. just be careful and read everything. (soy sauce and corn pops are fucking traps because soy sauce is alot of the times made with soy AND WHEAT so check!!! and corn pops are shitheads because you think “oh! CORNpops! I must be able to have it! cause its CORN pops! FRIGGIN CORN-POPS! CORN!!” NO YOU CANT BECAUSE THOSE SNEAKY MUTHAFECKERS USE WHEAT AS LIKE THE 2ND INGREDIENT AND I AM REALLY SALTY ABOUT IT) 

[rebelredcarnationn]

all the ask questions. i want the juice

ahahaha ok this should be fun

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…

-- I LOVE YOU BIIITCH, AND I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BITCHHHHH2: Did you get to sleep in today?

-- nope i went to bed a little after 6 am and then had to wake up at 8:30

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

-- wot? not sure what this means

4: Do you have siblings?

-- yee i have one older sister

5: How many kids do you want?

-- 2 probs

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

-- uhm? i havent really held hands with people i dont think lol

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

-- nope

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

-- yeah i think so

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

-- my dad lol

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

-- not that i know of

11: When’s your birthday?

-- very close to the troye sivan concert

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

-- yes it wasnt that long ago

13: What kind of phone do you have?

-- iphone 7

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

-- im wearing athletic shorts because i just got home from gymnastics

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

-- oHHHH YEAH

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

-- idk probably crying hahah #relatableteen amirite

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

-- write a paper 10/10

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

-- more or less

19: Last night you felt…?

-- mostly sad, scared, anxious

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

-- all the concerts im going to this year (p!atd, troye sivan, twenty one pilots)

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

-- no im a goody two shoes oops, also they track me so

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

-- almost 2 and a half

23: Are you a morning or night person?

-- night 100%

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

-- gymnastics probably

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

-- eventually

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

-- i would hope that i would pick up lol

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

-- no

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

-- nope just fixed that yesterday lol

29: How many months until your birthday?

-- including this month 4

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

-- uhm i eat peanut butter just like on a spoon most of the time

31: Did you like this past summer?

-- nothing im stressed and i miss my friends and i miss having stuff to do and i could go on for a while

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

-- eating yogurt and looking at instagram lol

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

-- i dont have an ex lol, but i would probably just like leave depending on how recent it was

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

-- “do you ship drarry?” (she said no, we are no longer sisters)

35: Your mood summed into one work?

-- word? im assuming? ok well, uh ‘sad’ lol

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

-- listening to paramore

37: What are your initials?

-- CJ

38: Are you a happy person?

-- no pft

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

-- i dont think i liked anyone 4 months ago?

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

-- the uk

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

-- not yet

42: What did you do yesterday?

-- ha i sat outside in a hammock in the rain for about 4 hours and watched the world cup

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

-- uh hopefully watching harry potter 

44: How late did you stay up last night?

-- more like stayed up early, 6 am ish

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

-- yes

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

-- no lol

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

-- yes 100%

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

-- dont have an ex

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

-- dude all i remember about 2012 is the london olympics lol

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

-- dont have one, but i dont wish anyone was dead

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

-- yeah its red rn im probably doing purple next but im not sure leave sugguestions

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

-- depends on circumstances and the amount of time but probably not

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

-- yeah i sat under a blanket with my friend and watched it on tv lol

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

-- haha yeah and i shouldnt be rip

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

-- oh ive had this conversation with them they wouldnt pay for my college or wedding

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

-- all of the above but mostly side

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

-- uk

58: What would you change about your life right now?

-- uh my emotions and my friends emotions

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

-- i get upset every day lmao bet

60: Are you on the phone?

-- nope

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

-- forward

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

-- money

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

-- yeah lol

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

-- yeah like last week

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

-- yeah who hasnt

66: Are you the type of person who likes to be out or at home?

- at home lol

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

-- yeep

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

-- oh yeah multiple times

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

-- yeah ill probably take a nap later tbh

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

-- no i hope not

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

-- i mean yeah?

72: What’s your favorite color?

-- purple, black and red

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

-- uhm ive only ever liked one person in my life and we havent had a sleepover in a long time

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

-- oh all the time

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

-- yeah lol

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

-- YES YES YES

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

-- i wouldnt entirely say opposite but yeah pretty much

78: Does anyone call you babe?

-- no one does romantically

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

-- again with the opposite sex my dude, but i fully trust like 2 people

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

-- relationship

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

- im wearing a gray one rn

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

-- yeah rip

that was fun thanks!!

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 062.

What battery percentage is your phone on right now? It’s at 55%

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? Yeppppppppppp

Who did you last talk to and what did you say? i sent a comma to kile. I can’t communicate to him anymore but it’s kind of my way of saying I’m here presently and available to read your messages. it probably annoys him and I should stop. 

What's your favourite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? Yes. many times.

How far do you live from New York City? uhhhhh google says 12.5 hours. not too bad.

How often do you talk to your parents? mom usually every day. dad maybe 2x a year

What was the weather like in your town today? lets google. it was 92 today

Are there any phrases or words that you say a lot? talk to me goose, comin’ in hot, that’s ridiculous, sup homie

How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you ever had? ehgghghg

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? Yeah, many times.

What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? serendipity 

What's the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend? I would say John

Do you clean your ears daily? Not daily, but every couple days.

What accent do you have? midwestern.

What scent of air freshener do you keep in your bathroom? It varies. usually a tree scent of some sort

Have you ever dated a model? No.

What's the best job you've ever had? hmm. babysitting an infant for like 2 hours 3x a week and making like 260 bucks a week.

How about the worst? nannying for a family where the dad was constantly trying to hit on me.

Do you have naturally straight hair? No, pretty curly.

What is your ultimate goal in life? To continuously find beauty in every day 

Have you ever visited someone in prison? nope

What months were you and your siblings born in? july, august, august, january

Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them? ahahhahahaha ummm a few of them. i am often in a “forgot your password?” situation

What are your three favourite vegetables? broccoli, cauliflower, potatoes

How many times a day do you check Facebook or any other social network? its SEVERELY decreased since not being on my phone with kile. looking at my phone usually brings me sadness, because i seldom have any word from him. so I just leave it alone.

When was the last time you had a blocked nose? idk.. 5-6 months ago

Who is your favourite comedian? I am not really sure, I dont follow many comedians

What colour are the socks you're wearing today? havent worn any yet

What did you have for dinner last night? steak

What was the last concert you went to? I want to say relient k

Are you an ugly crier? not really no

What scent is the soap or body wash you use in the shower? I’m on vacation so the scent is like a lavendarish scent which is not my style at all.

Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle? kind of. -.- not by choice.

Who do you live with? mom & gram

What letter does your street name begin with? numbers

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely I do.

When was the last time you ate at McDonald's? A few weeks ago.

What's your favourite Popsicle flavour? blue

Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say? i havent got a clue. I never go on FB

Do you have any injuries at the moment? yes. one of which is my shoulder and its reallyyyyyyy bugging me

Have you ever been to an ophthalmologist? the eye dr i used to go to was both opthamologist and optometrist so yes

Do you own any animal print clothes? oh probably.

Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this? im tall. I would, maybe it’d be less off-putting to others

When was the last time you went to a drug store/pharmacy? gosh, like a week ago.

Do you ever binge-watch TV shows? just the same ones ive watched for years

Have you ever mustered up the courage to tell someone how you feel only to be rejected? uhhh, no I can’t say I have. 

Do you keep your files and documents organised in one place? somewhat.

What's your favourite sweet treat to bake? my infamous cookies

Are you good at flirting and letting people know you're interested? ill be real honest, I am so slow to fall for someone that it takes some time for me.

What did you have for breakfast today? toast (gf) and eggs

Do you prefer sweet or savoury breakfasts? Sweet

Do you like chick-flicks? heck’n yea

Have you ever taken an acting class? no. not interested

When was the last time you watched one of your favourite movies? yesterday

How often do you use Youtube? seldom. 

What's the coolest thing you've ever dressed up as for Halloween? i dont really do that.

Are you ignoring anyone right now? yeah :( </3

How do you usually style your hair? It’s always up in a messy bun. especially with the heat. but I might chop it off this fall idk.

Do you have any tattoos? Tell me about them. Nope. i wonder if kile will ever get his

Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there? more times than I could count.

When was the last time you used a stove? tonight with a GF zucchini pizza

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat? mushrooms

Are you sitting, standing or laying (or something else) right now? I’m laying on my bed.

How many hours per week do you typically work? --

What was the last pill or tablet you took? probably headache meds or tummy meds on the day of my flight

How far away from your house is the closest grocery store? like 1.4 miles

Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing? Nope.

Who was the last person you complimented? uhhh maybe a sibling

Are you the type of person to take naps, even if you've slept plenty? I WISH

Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment? im trying not to, but im not successful yet

The age old question: dogs or cats? STOP ASKING ME TO MAKE A DECISION ON THIS

When was the last time you saw your best friend? ugh. i don’t think ill ever see him. He sent me a picture today, it was really nice to see his face.

Have you ever been fired from a job? Why? nope.

Are you tired right now? eh, not terribly.

Do you like spring rolls? I do.

What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc? street

How many purses or handbags do you own? like 5

Do you get along with all your aunts and uncles? no. some of them I never ever developed relationships with because their parents hated my dad.

Have you ever eavesdropped and heard something you didn't want to hear? Yeah gahhhh i hate that

When was the last time you used a pen, pencil or marker? uhhh yesterday I think

What's your favourite type of curry? None.

Do you often go to do or say something and then just forget? not often

Have you ever had casual sex? Noooooooo. not my thing

What was the last thing you paid for with cash? clothes

What's the last letter of your middle name? h

If your phone rang right now from a number you don't know, would you answer? Nope. I hardly answer for numbers I know

How long is your hair? middle of my back

What was your first pet's name and how did you pick that? Millie. I didn’t have anything to do with that, I was a baby.

Do you drink diet or regular soda? diet. I don’t like the taste of regular.

Have you ever been to Europe? No, but I’d love to go.

Do you worry about your own health? I try not to.

Who did you last make plans with, and what plans did you make? family. 

Can you smell anything right now? Not at the moment, no

How old were you when you got your first cell phone? I was 18 or 19

When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes? ooo boy, its been a minute. I need new shoes, and I also need to get rid of old shoes.

Do you like fruit and vegetable combo juices? not at all. maybe I need to revisit them.

Have you ever been on a spring break trip? Yep yep

Would you rather be warmer or colder right now? colder always.

How tall are your highest heels? I have like 4″ heels but I shouldn’t be wearing them anymore

What's your favourite flavour of frosting? omfg i want frosting so bad. any flavor

When did you wake up today? I fell asleep around 430am and then woke up around 545 my time. 

Do you change your appearance often? I mean, hair color yeah.

What colour are the street signs in your town/suburb? Green

How many people do you work with? --

What was the last thing you ate? piece of chocolate.

Do you have any plans for three hours in the future? either this or sleeping

Has anyone ever made a comment about your weight that offended or upset you? people have definitely made comments about my weight before. just leave me aloneeeeeeeeee.

---- i wish i really was the most important thing on the planet to you. :( maybe then you’d have picked me? </3

[claryvoyantfray]

Do all of them u coward

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A COWARD, FARMER???1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yes there is2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?I mean, I forgive people very easily so I guess. I havent seen that person in over a year since going to college, but I don't hate them3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”Firstly I think of a cat, and then I think of that one song/video where the only word is meow4: What’s something you really want right now?Chinese food and pickles just because I feel like it's been so long since I've had either5: Are you afraid of falling in love?Kinda, just because I get attached easily6: Do you like the beach?I love the beach! Last time I went was with family on vacation (and the time before was senior skip day)7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?I have. The las time it was for my friend's birthday. Me and this one girl fell asleep on the couch together and in the morning I felt like my legs were cut off8: What’s the background on your cell?Lockscreen is a series of 10 pictures. My home screen is from my brother's Christmas concert. He's in the middle being hugged by our friend Bean and my boyfriend9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?Mine at college, mine at home, my boyfriend's, and my friend's10: Answered11: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?This girl who I met at winter conference. Her name was Bekah12: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?Emotional pain by far. With physical those things go away (and you might have some cool stories to tell) but with emotional, that stick with you for a long time13: Answered14: Are you tired?I always am lately. I took a 4 hour nap today. But since it's a little after 1 (1:02 to be exact) I'm a little tired15: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?Like first alphebetically? That would be Abby and I've known her for 2 years. If it's first ever, that would be my mom or dad 😂16: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?Ha... that's funny. Considering that my last ex is a terrible person who cheats on his girlfriends and the one before is gay (and my best friend), I'm going with a strong no. Although me and my best friend keep saying we'll get married at like 40 if we don't have anyone17: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?No I would not, especially since I'm a stressed out college student. I would wanna wait til I graduate to do something like that18: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?A total of zero19: Is there a certain quote you live by?None that come to mind, but I do love a lot of quotes20: What’s on your mind?Just stuff for the future and what living with 3 of my friends will be like next year21: Do you have any tattoos?NO BUT I WANT SOME22: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?March 10 (the day I come home for spring break)23: Who are you texting?Nobody really right now, but I did just send a text to my friend Colin24: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?Alwayssssssss25: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?That would be Colin26: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?Well I would hope so27: Answered28: Were you single on Valentines Day?You bet I was, but I gave my friends super cute gifts29: Has anyone upset you in the last week?I don't think so30: Have you ever cried over a text?Yeah, but only like once or twice31: Where’s your last bruise located?I get a lot of random bruises everywhere, but there's one on my thigh currently32: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?Probably in the middle of last semester. I just wanted to go back home33: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?My dad. I was asking him what I could use as a bottle opener if I didn't have one34: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?No because every day is a bad hair day for me. I just own it35: Answered36: Do you make supper for your family?No I don't. Me and my brother did a couple times, but not recently. I like baking more than cooking37: Does your bedroom have a door?Yes, but no lock (it's an old house so it's like those skeleton keys, my door could lock if I knew how to work the key)38: Does anything on your body hurt?My shoulders. I need to get a massage39: Are goodbyes hard for you?Depending how me/them are gone40: How is your hair?Long and messy with purple tips41: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?I kinda wish I was home, but I'm alright42: Answered43: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?Probably wondering if any of my friends snore (I had 3 of them over last night)44: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?Yes. I always try way too hard45: How old will you be in 5 months?19 and a half46: Where is your Mum right now?Probably in bed sleeping, unless she worked overnight, then she's at work47: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?Sadly I haven't48: How many people have you liked in the past three months?I think 3 on varying degrees49: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?Not my underwear, but last night my friends saw me in my bra50: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?Already did51: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?If it was weed, no (because everyone I know does it). But if it was the hard stuff I would be concerned depending on what it was. So yeah I would care52: Who was your last received call from?A blocked random number53: Have you ever trusted someone too much?I trust everyone I talk to way more than I should (but it's fine. It's only been bad twice)54: Do you get along with girls?Oh God I would hope so. But yeah I do55: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?Yeahhhh. I'm supposed to tell my mom something that I refuse to talk about (just because she'll be mad)56: Answered

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[narahalara]

a mini update to myself about my life that ive been procrastinating on for a week now lol

instead of reading my article that i have a quiz on tmrw im gonna type this cause ive been meaning to type this but been delaying it idk why.I wanted to write this i think cause i havent really updated myself in awhile, and i think it be good to look back on and reflect for future me to read or skim through if I am still the same LOL. 

Ok so the last couple weeks, i actually got really stressed and sleep deprived and i was having a lot of high and low days. like some days ill be on fire and super productive and happy then other days i can barely get out of bed and was so tired. I was sleeping at like 2-3 am straight which is actually not normal for me cause yes i am a granny that sleeps usually around 11-12ish. Anyways, I was tired from studying for my exams, like i was pulling these all nighters, to the point where on wednesday last week, i burnt out literally. i had 2 midterms the next day (halloween) but i couldnt do it anymore so i just prayed that all the info i had studied would be retained and i slept at like 7 pm and did not wake up until 9 am the next morning so i felt like i temporarly died or hibernated for 14 hours lol but it helped me recuperate cause i was dead tired physically and mentally. Then I had my midterms, and thankfully they were “ok” they were still hard ofc but for the most part I dont think i failed so yeah. and then for halloween my roomies and i had dinner together and we drank and made desserts it was so cute and nice as like a treat for finishing those midterms. 

so after that i got a chance to settle down cause for the weekend i only had to study for my final midterm that was this monday, and thankfully the material is pretty straightforward. The test was multiple choice and it wasnt hard, but there were some questions on the student presentations and i skipped that day cause it was wednesday when i fell ill and couldnt go to class :( so hopefully i can get at least a B but thats ok.

In addition to this, i also had to skip my gym session on wednesday which at first i was a little sad about cause i have been pulling a really good streak since like late june lol, but i really pushed myself on friday and sunday (and even today which is tuesday lol). and but heres the kinda like woah idk how i feel about thing like half happy but half concerned. i dropped 8 pounds this month unintentionally. which i have some theories? i think its 1) i walk ALOT back n forth from my apt to campus 2) ive been pushing myself pretty hard at the gym 3) i eat a lot but its really healthy like example salmon and brown rice and a ton of veggies, but think there has been a deficit in calories on some days?? idk like i dont think im eating less but maybe i am?? 4) ive been FAMISHLY HUNGRY LIKE ALL THE TIME LIKE RN I AM HUNGRY EVEN THOUGH I ATE DINNER A COUPLE HOURS AGO, idk why im sooooo hungry even though i eat alot but im not ganing weight. 

Like my normal weight this year is 117-120 lbs. but now its like i wake up 110 lbs and by the end of the day im only like 112-113 lbs. like i havent seen those numbers since freshmen year of high school. and sometimes i wake up famished and fatigue, like a lil weak until i eat smth. idk, maybe i need to start eating snacks throughout the day. in all fairness i have been just eating like 2 meals a day but there like BIG. maybe i need to change it up. I have noticed i lost weight it my stomach which is nice, but i think i did lose weight in my legs which im sad about cause its really hard to grow my quads/hamstrings and glutes cause when i lose weight thats usually the area that will be targeted first which i do not like. so i guess i have unintentionally cutted this month lol so i might as well try bulking which is mean im gonna have to try to lift heavier (yikes im still trying to fix my unstable n uncoordinated ass lol) and eat a lot more than i already am even though i thought i was eating alot. ok for example this morning i ate an omellete that contained 3 eggs, mushrooms, tomato, spinach, brocolli, and a bunch of cheese with orange juice. then for lunch i had a blaze veggie pizza (since i dont eat meat) with a salad. then for dinner i ate baked salmon with mayo and a whole bunch of veggies WITH CHEESE and more juice, and i even had bang pre workout for my gym session today and a cup of coffee to keep me awake during my night chem lab AND I AM STILL HUNGRY RN MY STOMACH IS GROWLING AS I TYPE THIS LIKE WHAT. so yeah im just hoping i do not drop anymore like this is fine, once i start going below 110 thats like a danger zone and i probably should ask someone professional if this is normal haha. 

ok next im deciding if i should go home, but i think i will because 1) need to do laundry 2) running out of food 3) miss my sissies 4) might wanna see my 8th grade loml LOL 5) allow me to reset, cause i feel like today is officially the ned of first half of fall quarter, like from this point forward its officially a new start again in a way since the finals are not “cumulative” for the most part. like i am resetting. 

also as i said ive been having some highs and lows which has been kinda hard cause on the days im really happy i know that im gonna hit sadness again, and i do but then i get ok like its been really huge fluctuations lately, it can also possible be due to daylight saving but i dont think thats a huge factor cause this has been happening weeks before daylight saving (also my sleeping schedule is messed up lol) 

i think i’ve just been busy lately with trying to balance school, work, volunteering tasks (yes i finally worked the courage to do health related stuff LOL like im getting training in a few weeks but i was stressing cause it interferes with my night labs but shoutout to my hella chill ta who said i can go to his other section i just gotta notify the professor so praying that it works out) and i know i am still in that not really sure what i wanna do in life but this is like a good thing i feel its stepping out of my comfort zone), and self care like going to the gym eating healthy, trying to give myself rest and breaks, remind myself to socialize even though im so introverted i know i still need human contact etc. so yeee. 

ok last thing i dont wanna really write about but whatever its part of this. remember self when you said by one month you will be completely and utterly over him and you can move on with your life. well the first half happened, yeah your highly superficial stupid unrealistic emotions are gone but literally down 90% of my healing im talking like late october hes gotta hit me up again and you know me like i cant resist LOL i hate me whatever you know its fine its better i think im in a better place/my head is better screwed on and i know what i want which is nothing LOL like i still maintained my other side bois i didnt completely stop talking to them just to talk to this one kid like i did couple months ago and i feel like my mind is more occupied with other things lately (even if unfortunately some of those things give me stress) but yeahhhhhh but we were supposed to meet up but it isnt even happening honestly i think i might just keep moving and searching for another to just mess around with cause honestly i cannot wait forever so yeah.... future me forgive me in advance for being weak LOL 

ok i think thats all for the most part right now im feeling good, I know lifes not always so happy and productive, but i have to remind myself theres always gonna be good days, and with every bad day is a day closer to a better one. so you got this narah! OK NOW I NEED TO READ MY ARTICLE CAUSE I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A QUIZ ON IT TMRW AND I DONT GET IT end rant here 

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[your-gayest-nightmare]

I'm not the girl your mother warns you about.

I'm not the kind of girl your mother warns you about. But I've always wanted to be the girl that breaks hearts because I want to know what it's like to be on the other end of heartbreak. And I brand my skin with little cuts and gashes from razor blades to know how it feels to hurt myself like everyone else does. I'll dress up for you, be sober. Be a good girl. Cum for you. Whatever you want. But when I'm naked in your bed did you ever really care that it was me? Or did you just want a warm body because I would lay there so happy to be by you that I slept like a rock, comfortable in your embrace. And when I'm home alone I can barely sleep. Stay up until 3 am. 4 am. 5 even, and get back up at 8 just in hopes that I would hear from you. Take sleeping pills with my liquor now in hopes that I can sleep for more than 4 hours. In hopes that I won't dream of you and your touch. Fuck you. And I drink because it gives me an excuse to text you and I'm frustrated that I never get a response. I never get the closure. And I hate you for hurting me out of nowhere before I had a chance to let myself know every inch of you but I fell hard and now I still cant get you out of my head. The stretch marks on your thighs that I thought were so beautiful and your voice. Your laugh. Your smile. You haunt me. And it feels like you're a poltergiest living in my brain, playing sick twisted tricks on me. Fucking with me. And it feels like a hundred thousand pins in my heart every time I see you haven't responded. And it seems like I have storms brewing in my stomach where the butterflies should be. I can't eat. I can't sleep. And I am a broken soul, I always have been but I never expected you to fix me. I never wanted to be fixed, I just didn't want to be broken more. And my options aren't wholseome. I'm a slut. Little whore. And now I'll fuck with heads for fun in hopes that I can break someone the way that I've been broken but I never meant to hurt you. I never fucked with your head. I never wanted to. I was preparing myself since we met for you to leave me. For you to take me home before the night was through but then you kissed me and I felt sparks and I fell for you. I stayed all night with you. Nurture me. Wholesome girl you say, heart of a devil it seems. I want to scream at you, say I hate you. Say I wish you'd go to hell. But I can't, because those are lies and I promised myself I'd never lie to you but this pain in my chest makes me want to hurt you in return and I figure if I bugged you that much you'd just block me. Delete me from your life but you havent yet so maybe theres hope. Or maybe you have deleted me, I don't know. But it wouldn't be surprising for you to delete me out of your memories like I'm nothing. It would just hurt. And who knows, maybe some day you'll look back and say "why did I leave her? Why did I let fear of competition and commitment get in the way of that? What am I missing out on now?" And maybe in three days or weeks or months, you'll text me "I miss you" and I'll drop everything to respond because I will never deny myself the things that make me happy, even when they hurt. So I guess the moral of this is, I don't hate you. I wish I could. I'm not the girl your mother warns you about, but I wish I was for once.

[worthlesswordss]

Getting Better Help

May 3, 2017

I’ve been struggling with my mental health (more than the norm) for the past few months and it surprised me how good I was at lying and hiding it from everybody (even though I’m trying to not do that so that people will know what the hell is going on with me - bad habit, I guess). There was this day when I was about to talk to my mom about how I was feeling and to be honest to her about the other stuff that I was intentionally hiding. I kept giving her hints but she’s not picking them up. So I finally bulked up the courage to tell her and I didn’t. I was about to tell her when she sidetracked me about being a responsible adult. I felt frustrated and just gave up on my motives of telling her, thinking she won’t believe me anyway because she’s stuck on her traditional ways.

Anyway, it’s not a secret that my parents are hard to talk to. I basically rant and cry about it almost every single damn day of my life. And I’m pretty sure I wrote a lot about that here in my worthless little blog. The harder part is actually talking to someone about it. When I was regularly going to therapy, everything felt lighter in a way and I think its because I had someone to talk to about it without biases or without taking it personally. Someone who just listened and gave her best objective advice or support or help because it’s her job to help me get better. But since I stopped going to that - and my parents approve of me not needing it anymore (they’re seriously damaging my mental health and emotional well-being) - it’s been hell for me these past months.

Yes. Months. The last time I went to therapy was last December 2016 before we left for our trip to San Francisco / Los Angeles. I actually thought I was getting better and now I understand how people rely and become dependent on the pills their psychiatrist gives. I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in 4 months. My under eyes (eyebags) are sagging more and more everyday and I just feel more and more tired and sad and helpless when I go to work. It’s depressing! What has become of me?!

I’ve tried to contact my therapist so many times already and I can’t seem to get a hold of her... or her busy schedule. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist either. The last time I saw her, she said I had depression but she doesn’t know the severity. She said it’s getting worse - that’s what she’s sure of. And she also said I had mild social anxiety. And I might have depersonalization or something much worse than that. That’s the reason why she got me have my brain scanned and blood drawn - which she hasn’t seen the results of and neither have I.

It’s all so screwed up! I was getting help and getting better then I stopped and my parents support it. I DON’T! I AM STRUGGLING. WHY CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT. And don’t get me started with the whole 13 Reasons Why Craze. *vomit* WHY IS IT SO HARD TO TELL MY PARENTS?! OH YEAH BECAUSE THEY WON’T BELIEVE NOR ACCEPT IT ANYWAY. THEY’LL THINK IM BEING OVER DRAMATIC OR “TOO SENSITIVE” OR BEING NEGATIVE. WELL PISS ON THAT MOM AND DAD!! YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!?! I DONT!!! THATS WHY I BEGGED YOU TO GET ME HELP IN THE FIRST PLACE!! BUT YOU PISSED ON THAT IDEA! AND I WAS ACTUALLY GETTING BETTER. BUT YOU PISSED ON IT! YOU DIDNT EVEN TRY! YOU DENIED! AND DENIED! AND DENIED! WELL LOOK AT ME NOW. IM A FREAKING WRECK. I AM SWALLOWING ALL THE PAIN I BURIED A LONG TIME AGO AND SPITTING IT OUT AGAIN AND EATING IT. OH? THATS DISGUSTING? WELL ITS DISGUSTING THAT YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME BUT DONT LOVE ME ENOUGH TO GET ME THE HELP I NEED! DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME AT ALL?! I DONT WANNA DIE, OKAY??! BUT THATS ALL THAT I THINK ABOUT!!! THATS ALL I WISH FOR MYSELF!!! THATS ALL THAT I THINK I NEED BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TO HELP ME RELEASE THE ALL THE PAIN AND SORROW AND DEATH THAT I FEEL INSIDE!!!

I don’t mean to yell or rant. I’m just tired and I’m trying to release all these things in my last resort - this blog. I know no one reads this except for me and a couple of strangers from the internet who just loves to read or maybe looking for comfort for their own problems or the haters who just want to bring people down until they actually commit suicide and say “I didn’t do anything. He/she killed themselves.” or “He/she shouldn’t have read the comments then.” or whatever stupid excuse they have. Yeah, I’m talking to you, you murderous bully. Deny it all you want but you’ve killed people. You kill people everyday.

Where am I going with this? What was the point of this post? Well, yesterday, I saw this ad on Facebook and clicked the link and researched about it. I read the whole entire site and reviews about it in other sites. It’s called BetterHelp. And if you’re anything like me or in just dire need of someone to talk to; you’ve probs seen this somewhere. It’s an online counseling service where you chat or video call some professional counselor/therapist and help you with your problems. It’s like 7 Cups of Tea or  Blah Therapy, both I’ve tried before and disappointed me - one of the two made me suicidal so I don’t recommend.

So in BetterHelp, you have to register first - which I didn’t mind because it was free and it has this quick evaluation test or whatever to match you with a counselor (which I thought was really cool). After doing that, I had to wait 24 hours or less to get verified or matched with a counselor. So when I opened my email today, I was excited to finally talk to someone about all this baggage I’m carrying around.

But I got this message instead:

WAT.

ARE THEY SERIOUS?!

I’m so angry and frustrated and I wanna cry but also want to smash my head on a glass window and cut myself with the shards stuck to my head all over my body so that they will see how much I need their services.

THEY DENIED ME THE HELP THAT I NEED?! HOW DO THEY KNOW IF THEIR SERVICES WILL HELP ME OR NOT?! I HAVENT TRIED THEIR SERVICES!!! WHAT IF IT WORKS??? WHAT IF IT HELPS ME???

HOW DO YOU KNOW?????

WHY WOULD YOU DENY???

WHY WOULD YOU REFUSE???

I THOUGHT YOU MADE THE SITE SO IT WOULD HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME???!?! NOT DENY THEM OF THE HELP THEY NEED!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????

What now, you may ask. Well... there you go. 👇🏻