#all about jalan-jalan

[liaa--qb]

your unpopular opinion about team green from fnb and hotd series??? Wanna know

unpopular opinion on team green.....😑

I would say my simple complaint from writer. I am not against or hater of the show. FNB wasn't any good itself. But if I talk about characters honestly to me, greens wasn't any good (same with team black) in book both were 2d but greens actually had potential to be very interesting.

"Like writers seriously got mini version of Paul Atreides n Jessica, Borgias family , Ivar the boneless, prince Jorg ancrath and Prince Jalan Kendeth from Prince of thorns and prince of fools books n the riot club drama among the green family so well still.....how can they not write them really good ? "

Like material is right there infront of them already way better written and explored😭 they just have to mix all these correctly according to their plot at right time. How can they miss it so bad ?😫😵

I can tell so many books too and characters from which they could have taken inspiration for Aegon, Alicent , Aemond 😭🤦🏻‍♀️ that would fit so good if they wanted to do some changes and add something extraa for these characters. I don't get how can they be sooo.... Lazy

Believe me when I say team greens could have been really interesting in the show to watch if writers actually wanted to write something excellent. But it just looks like to me that they don't......😒🤷🏻‍♀️ I can't say honestly

[aledisini]

Growing from zero

Buat gue, "mulai dari 0" banget itu Juli 2023.

Pindah unit, to something that completely new for me. Something that I've never touched because I knew I had completely zero knowledge about that. Takut? Oh iya jelas. Bertubi-tubi ditambah gue waktu itu sendirian.

But I think I've managed to pass the hardest start.

After all, kita manusia, yang bertumbuh dari hari ke hari. Menjadi lebih baik dari hari kemarin, supaya tidak jadi orang yang merugi bukan?

My journey to push those boundaries tuh kayak jungkir balik dikocok-kocok. Tapi bikin gue sadar, for the very first time, gue merasa punya tim yang bisa diajak bicara dan diskusi. Gue tau kapabilitas dan pengetahuan gue itu ga sampe seujung kuku kemampuan mereka. But they willing to teach me, and tutor me wkwk. Ofc, bayangin aja gue liat kabel warna warni udah gatau itu apaan. Kabel weh pokona kan. Ini sama peer sama manager gua kalo gua diem bingung dijelasin, nama-nama nya dan terus buat apa. Kalo gue gatau tentang alat-alat kerja kantor gue yang super banyak itu, nanti tuh pas jalan makan siang bakal sengaja dilewatin buat nunjukin ke gue wujud nya kaya apa.

Being with them for the past year ngajarin gue, that it's okay not to know everything, there will always be time and opportunity to learn. They may not the perfect team that everyone had in mind, but those two are the best team I've ever had.

Walaupun ya gue tau, sekarang juga gue masih banyak gatau nya, masih banyak salah nya juga. At least I've tried, hehehe.

With this tumblr notes, I would like to thank myself first for surviving this far, and everyone who has accompanied me growing over the past year. Eak biar agak mellow sedikit kan.

Selamat menyambut hari esok, selamat menyeka khawatir, selamat menyembuhkan duka. Semoga selalu Allah iringi langkah kaki kita semua🤗

[love-bokumono-fics]

Fresh Crops! September 16 - September 30, 2024

Catching up on the new stories and chapter updates posted at the end of September for Harvest Moon and Story of Seasons on AO3!

Seseorang Yang Dikirim Tuhan Untuk Mengganggunya - by rasyalleva; Complete, 1/1, 1.3k; Language: Bahasa Indonesia

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandom: Friends of Mineral Town Relationship: Elli/Doctor Trent | Torre; Characters: Elli | Elly, Doctor | Trent, Cliff, Gray, Mary the Librarian | Marie Additional Tags: Slice of Life, Developing Relationship, Childhood Memories, Selamat Ulang Tahun Teh Ran! Summary: Elli di ingatan Trent tidak pernah jelas. Sampai pada suatu hari, gadis itu datang menyeret kursi pantai, duduk di seberang jalan, pandangan lurus menatap klinik, tanpa mengatakan apa-apa.

The Heart of a Westown Cowboy - by Mya_Stone; WIP, 40/?, 54k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandom: Trio of Towns Relationships: Female Farmer/Wayne, Farmer & Wayne, Wayne & Ford; Characters: Frank, Ford, Carrie, Brad, Megan, Hector, Colin, Daryl | Darius, Marlena, Lynn, Wayne, Miranda Additional Tags: Slow Burn, Romance, Romantic Friendship, Guy Falls First, famiy drama, I Wrote This For Me But I'll Share It With You Summary: Wayne is Westown's perpetually single lady's man. He'd like to settle down but he just hasn't found The One and he's fairly certain he's met everyone in town. Then Melody moves in, taking a plot of her uncle's ranch to fulfill her dream of being a rancher. A college-educated business woman, Melody doesn't accept failure - especially not her own. As Wayne falls hard for her, she struggles to return his affections until she has what she came for - and when she continually comes up short at the cow competitions, she begins to wonder if Westown is really the place for her.

The Wall Between Us - by Skullygal610; Complete, 24/24, 24k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandom: Trio of Towns Relationships: Female Farmer/Wayne, Female Farmer/Ex-boyfriend; Characters: Wayne, Female Farmer Additional Tags: Adopted, farmer, Hurt, Love, Unrequited Love, relationships, Denial of Feelings, Fanfiction, Parents, friends, Guilt Summary: It all started with a rejection. Scarlett can't seem to get over the loss of her best friend since she rejected his confession of love. Already dealing with her own self-worth and feelings while keeping up with daily life, things soon become difficult when a familiar face from the past comes back to haunt her. Wayne struggles to let go of the girl he loved. However, things never go the way he plans. His parents are across the world without him. Friends are constantly concerned about his well-being. He wants to change, yet she keeps pulling him back. Can they ever hope to rekindle their long-lost friendship, or will it become something more?

Secret Sacrifice - by Strawberry_Tales; Complete, 1/1, <1k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: Gen, Other Fandoms: The Winds of Anthos Summary: Doc Jr.'s close friend, Evelyn, is getting married soon. Her fiancé comes by the lab, asking if there are any hard feelings between them, considering he and Evelyn are close friends. There isn't, but Westley needs to understand Doc Jr. and Evelyn's true relationship, and Doc Jr.'s sacrifice for that relationship.

Sugar and Spice - by Chibimiie; WIP, 67/?, 182k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Animal Parade Relationships: Chase/Molly the Farmer, Angela/Luke; Characters: Molly | Hikari, Angela the Farmer, Chase, Luke, Kasey the Farmer Additional Tags: Slow Burn, oh god how do you tag fics, mentions of eating disorders, alternating povs, Friends to Lovers, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, bumped up the rating because i honestly should have a little bit ago, burn so slow it's honestly a simmer, Mutual Pining Summary: Wanting to get away from past hurts of the city, sisters Molly and Angela decide to respond to a flyer advertising an abandoned farm on the faraway island of Castanet. Leaving behind their closest friends and brother Kasey, the two take a chance and move to the tiny island hoping for a new chance at life.

Best Friend's Brother - by Trans_Nerd; WIP, 4/?, 10k

Rating: Explicit; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: M/M Fandoms: Friends of Mineral Town Relationship: Kai/Rick; Characters: Kai, Rick, Popuri, Lillia the Shopkeeper Additional Tags: **NOTE: Some tags have been removed to remain Safe For Tumblr. Please see complete list on AO3** Enemies to Lovers, Trans Male Character, Fluff, Smut, Angst, First Time Summary: Rick and Kai got off on the wrong foot and have hated each other from the very start. But when Kai sees that Rick has a big heart, and when Rick sees that Kai isn't as bad as he seems… opinions change, perspectives shift, and clothes come off. Rick/Kai enemies->friends with benefits->lovers speedrun

Right as Rain - by Hizuki_Violet; Complete, 1/1, 5.2k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandom: The Tale of Two Towns Relationship: Reina/Mikhail; Characters: Reina, Mikhail Additional Tags: Sickfic, Romantic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Rain, Sharing an umbrella, Developing Relationship, rated M for one very tame sex scene at the beginning so don't get your hopes up Summary: You'll catch cold if you go out in the rain without an umbrella, you know!

Sing Into My Mouth - by foxcassius; Complete, 1/1, 28k

Rating: Mature; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: F/M, Multi, Other Fandoms: A Wonderful Life Relationships: Gustafa/Nami, Farmer/Gustafa, Nami/Farmer, Gustafa/Nami/Farmer; Characters: Nami, Gustafa, Muffy | Molly, Takakura, Original Characters, Farmer Additional Tags: Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Canon Compliant, as much as it can be while doing things the game mechanics do not allow, Angst with a Happy Ending, its brief but its angst, Getting Together, First Kiss, POV Alternating, idk man theyre very good together.... Summary: What if Gustafa and Nami and the farmer all kissed each other? Panic attacks all around, for the most part, a runaway attempt, lots of impulsive making out followed by regret, and a happy ending, it turns out.

Underneath the Harvest Tree - by cakie_nsfw; Complete, 1/1, 1k

Rating: Explicit; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandom: Animal Parade Relationship: Kevin the Farmer/Harvest Goddess; Characters: Kevin the Farmer, Harvest Goddess Additional Tags: **NOTE: Some tags have been removed to remain SFT. Please see complete list on AO3** Giantess, Outdoor Sex, Mating Press, Impregnation, Breeding Summary: Kevin asks the Harvest Goddess - his wife - for a second child.

Here You Come Again - by SeasonSuite; WIP, 20/24, 80k

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Trio of Towns Relationships: Female Farmer/Wayne, Minor or Background Relationship(s); Characters: Farmer, Wayne, Frank, Lisette, Ford, Ludus, Trio of Towns ensemble Additional Tags: Crushes, Falling In Love, Love, farming, Fluff, dolly parton references, Friends to Lovers, cowboy aesthetic, idiots to lovers, Day At The Beach, Flowers, Romance, Bonding, Feelings, Humor, Slow Build, Did I Mention Fluff, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions Summary: On the first day of her new life, June meets a handsome, smooth-talking postman. Caught between his seemingly earnest words and his philandering reputation, she writes him off as bad news. Over the year, as June struggles to build her new farm, Wayne proves her wrong—then right—then wrong again. or, Westown's charming postman is known for being perfect, and he's usually happy to play the part. But when a new farmer tries to get to know the real him, Wayne learns that to be loved, he has to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

Esto es lo que pienso del amor - by Memento15; Complete, 1/1, <1k; Language: Español

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Friends of Mineral Town Relationship: Claire the Farmer/The Kappa; Characters: Claire the Farmer, The Kappa Additional Tags: Angst and Feels, Angst, Unhealthy Relationships, Long-Distance Relationship, Married Characters, Human/Monster Romance, Sad Ending, Rare Pairings, Español | Spanish Summary: Quizás nunca se había interesado realmente en ella. Entonces… ¿Por qué se casó con él? Es triste cuando amas tanto y das todo por alguien que pareciera no querer estar contigo. Antes pensaba que estaba bien dar todo incondicionalmente por tu ser amado, pero ahora, no estaba de acuerdo con eso. Si no hay reciprocidad ¿Valia la pena amar?

Summer Wind - by copernicusjones; Complete, 1/1, 2.0k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Category: F/M Fandoms: Animal Parade Relationship: Calvin the Adventurer/Molly the Farmer; Characters: Calvin the Adventurer, Molly the Farmer, Maya Additional Tags: Summer, Festivals, Day At The Beach, Romance, Flirting Summary: For as much as Calvin enjoys the mysteries life holds, the straightforward concept of spending a gorgeous Summer day with a woman as compelling as Molly is equally satisfying.

Living Without Regrets - by Trans_Nerd; Complete, 1/1, 3.8k

Rating: General Audiences; Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply; Categories: F/F, Gen Fandoms: Animal Parade Relationships: Candace/Angela the Farmer, Candace & Luna, Candace/Julius; Characters: Candace, Angela the Farmer, Julius, Luna, Shelly Additional Tags: Fluff, Self Confidence Issues Summary: “A-Angela and I are just friends,” Candace insisted, reading her invitation and fanning herself to try and bring her face back to its usual hue. A pit formed in her stomach as she finished reading the invitation. Harmonica Beach at 12 PM on Summer 13. Bring your swimsuit. Be there or be square!!!

[onlyhaqq]

GISB in S'pore Part II.

From the Al-Arqam organization which was declared illegal in 1994, to its name change of Rufaqa', and now Global Ikhwan Services and Business Holdings (GISBH). Singaporean, Ms. Yuwana was a member of them all.

In the second part of this report, she shared her xperience of being a follower in all branches of the organization. Ms. Yuwana was one of three individuals who came forward to share their experiences related to GISB. In fact, not only herself, all her family members have been involved in GISB activities.

The 49-year-old woman shared that she attended school and lived in the Al-Arqam dormitory since the 1980s. At that time, Ms. Yuwana was only 12 years old. "After the PSLE examination, I went to Pahang with my aunt. In Al-Arqam's 'school' there, it was as usual. We pray tahajud, pray in congregation, eat on trays. It is located in Kampung Sepadan. In Al-Arqam, the books used are the same as the books of Malaysian madrasas."

"From there, I found out that they also hold classes in Singapore, including maulid or fardu ain classes. So I also followed them in Singapore," explained Ms. Yuwana. After two years of following it, Ms. Yuwana claimed that there were several cases that were carried out that were somewhat unreasonable. "We need to do 'yakaza'. I didn't really understand it because I was only 14 years old at the time. They will put us in line and they will tell us our sins, one by one. For example, "you entered the saf late, you don't pray tahajud." I have never seen this 'yakaza' done in Singapore," explained Ms. Yuwana. Ms. Yuwana revealed that she had attended other Al-Arqam in Negeri Sembilan and Perak.

"While in Al-Arqam, it was more about maintaining manners and morals. They practice the Aurad of Muhammadiah, maintain our confidence in who Imam Mahdi is and he is the Youth of Bani Tamim," she claimed. Shee remained a follower of the group until Al-Arqam was banned in 1994. At that time, she was 19 years old. In a fatwa issued by the MUIS Fatwa Committee in 1991, it ruled that there were several parts of the teachings of Al-Arqam through Aurad Muhammadiah that could cause confusion.

After Al-Arqam was banned, Ms. Yuwana became 'quite active' in the Rufaqa organisation. "Before that, I had started a family. So I was quite busy but, I started seeing old friends," she said. Rufaqa' is a business and economic body set up by former followers of Al-Arqam to try to redevelop its teachings. "At Rufaqa', the management officers in Singapore do not force us too much to serve. We can serve as volunteers at events such as Maulid, or gatherings. We also held a lecture at that time, where they would convey words from Abuya," said Ms. Yuwana.

"In the Rufaqa era, we used our friends' houses to run the program. You can imagine a five-room house full of members. During Rufaqa', they used to rent a shop in Tampines to hold meetings there. There was also a unit in Eunos. It's the same with GISB, they have a charity house on Jalan Pari Dedap and now there is a restaurant," claimed Ms. Yuwana.

In 2006, the Selangor Islamic Religious Department (JAIS) conducted a raid on Rufaqa' at a premise in Shah Alam, Selangor. More than 100 people, including four key leaders, were arrested in the raid for allegedly trying to revive the teachings of al-Arqam. Since then, Rufaqa' in Singapore became increasingly quiet. In the period between the closure of Rufaqa' and the opening of GISB in 2008, Ms. Yuwana said that she had to undergo 'quarantine'. "The transition from Rufaqa' to GISB, there was a year where we had to undergo quarantine, to 'eliminate' the wrong practices. At that time, the people in it were still the same, they just changed their names," claimed Ms. Yuwana.

In 2008, GISB was founded as a Islamic-based business organisation. Ms. Yuwana engaged once again with the organisation. "I'm not very active. It's more about seeing friends, like a reunion together. If they invite me to tahlil, maybe I will go. As a follower of the program, I am not very active," she explained. The teachings shared in GISB were described by Ms. Yuwana as misleading. This was especially true after Abuya's death in 2010.

"We can feel, why is this happening? There was a teaching about taking the power of the Kaabah," said Ms. Yuwana. There were also several other things including the teachings on Islamic Holy S*x that were not in line with Ms. Yuwana's thinking.

She also claimed that there is a practice among GISBH pilgrims where pilgrims can only marry followers of the group. As for herself, she married an 'outsider' in 1996, two years after Al-Arqam was ruled haram. "My marriage was boycotted. They disagree. They are trying to find a partner among the pilgrims," said Ms. Yuwana. According to Ms. Yuwana, her husband began to become serious as a GISB pilgrim around 2006. "At that time, I was sent to quarantine, to 'clean up my sins' in Malaysia. The congregation said that if the wife is quarantined but the husband is not quarantined, they cannot stay together. That's why he also went to quarantine, I'm not sure why but maybe it's because he wants to take care of the family," said Ms. Yuwana.

Ms Yuwana claimed that the 'quarantine' was done to followers which "caused trouble for other worshippers". As a follower, Ms. Yuwana said that her husband has done a number of things to contribute to the organization. This includes assisting in projects to develop charity houses in Malaysia on a voluntary basis.

Her husband has also donated money to GISBH on several occasions. For these reasons, Ms. Yuwana said, her husband was appointed as the 'Team Leader' of Singapore, which was quite a surprise to her. "As a team leader, he was also given more responsibility. He needs to attend more meetings. He also needs to take care of the operations in the café," he explained. What was even more surprising for the couple, Ms. Yuwana's husband was allegedly told to practice polygamy in 2013. Until today, they do not know the reason why it happened.

"One day, all of a sudden, my husband received a message from GISB CEO, Nasiruddin Mohd Ali - through one of the officials - instructed to practice polygamy. Of course he needs to do it because if he doesn't do it, he won't know where I'm going to be sent. It is often so. When the husband doesn't want to do something, they will say that he is already 'controlled by his wife' but because he wants to take care of the family, he does it anyway." Although she complied with the instructions, her husband's second marriage caused her to suffer from depression and return to her own home.

Despite the deviant teachings and 'coercive' polygamy against her husband, Ms. Yuwana felt that it was not easy to leave the organization. "Their motive is to save themselves at the end of time. When the time Dajjal arrives - they wanted to save the ummah - they were the defenders of the ummah. Who wants to go to hell, right? So we just want to be in a safe environment. At that time, the internet was less sophisticated. If we want to find religious teachers, we need to find them physically. That's why I try to stay as a congregation," explained Ms. Yuwana. She also thinks about the safety and welfare of her children.

Ms. Yuwana claimed GISB members were obliged to send their children aged 13 and above to their hostels. During her time as a follower of GISBH, Ms. Yuwana sent her four daughters to hostels in Singapore and Johor Bahru. "Children's education is not a priority in GISB. They don't teach my children. So I remain a follower because I want to fight for my children's education. If I try to get my children out of these dormitories, I will be bullied. Even when we are adults, we want safety for children in the end of time," said Ms. Yuwana.

Upon realising more and more teachings that contradicted her stance and understanding of Islam and the bitter experiences that happened to her, Ms. Yuwana decided to stop being a follower of GISB in 2015. A year later, Ms. Yuwana's husband divorced his second wife. His children are also no longer involved in the GISBH dormitory.

[eepuniverse]

Hexel's World Tour – Week 8 Indonesia

I can't believe I'm in my final destination! This month has flown by… what a whirlwind this trip has been. I am ending my trip in Indonesia! You all know me by now, so you know I had to go shopping! I was told to visit Jalan Surabaya Flea Market in Menteng! It was HUGE, just stalls and stalls of arts and crafts, fabrics, food, wood carvings! I asked one of the stall ladies and I think she told me that it's been around since the '70s. Or maybe she was saying the price of something was 70,000 Indonesian rupiah... Anyway, I got some souvenirs for the band. I even bargained the price down (which I learned to do when I was at Dongdaemun in Seoul! 🎁💵

For sightseeing I went to Monas Tower and visited the observation deck. It was fun to see the whole city! There were explanations at the tower saying that it's a symbol of independence in Indonesia which was declared in 1945 after years of Dutch colonial rule.

Since there are so many islands in Indonesia, I wanted to visit some other ones, so I flew over to the Nusa Islands. There are so many beautiful beaches here and I tried to visit more than just one. They had really cool rock formations at a lot of them, and each of them had cool names like "Devil's Tear" or "Angel's Billabong." 🏖️🌊🗿

Then, for non-beach fun, I went to Pura Paluang, which is a temple but the shrines are shaped like houses and cars. Which is why some people call it "Car Temple."🚗

From Nusa, it was a quick flight to Komodo National Park for a day trip to see the Komodo dragons!🦎 They are so big! I was a little scared of them. Not as scared as when these scary guys chased me and Krista into an alley once (long story) but scared enough that I followed all the instructions of the tour guide and didn't get close at all! I am going to fly back to Jakarta and try to visit more museums. If you've been there, let me know where to go while I'm still here!

I have to admit I really miss my friends. These adventures by myself were fun and I had so much time to learn about the world and think about myself but I'm also glad I'm going home to Plainsville soon! I’m so grateful for this trip of a lifetime… and I’m excited to keep the adventures going as I find out more about my past and build a future with the best friends anyone could ask for: my band, FREE HEXEL!!! <3 <3 <3 

[wodenscild]

Gods language exchange is so so sooo much fun & actually so useful for picking up a language! I have recently gotten back into Indonesian & been talking to people from Indonesia, & I have learnt so much & honestly more useful vocab than that found in my textbooks!

Like pria & wanita for laki-laki & perempuan (male & female), & jika (meaning if, or provided that, & is used over kalau when talking about a hypothetical situation from what ive seen). You learn fun interjections like semangat (enthusiasm, spirit: used as a term of encouragement) or astaga (oh my god!). & you learn sweet phrases like “Hati-hati di jalan” (Travel safely!) & “Selalu jaga kesehatanmu” (Always look after your health - this one was said to me after I said how much I work wkwkwkwk). & oh! You learn some interesting constructions! Like for example, to say something looks like something else you use a literal translation of “It’s appearance is like…” - “Kelihatannya seperti…” which is just so interesting!! Then I can extend this to other comparisons! Like using my knowledge of clitics I can say “You look like…” - “Kelihatanmu seperti…”, or I can say “It smells like…” - “Kebuaannya seperti…” or “It tastes like…” - “Rasanya seperti”.

& this is all without saying how language exchange is also to some extent a cultural exchange! In the past week of my exchanges, I have learnt about Indonesian weddings (which sounds super fun & I want to be at one some day!!) or about the five salat! Subuh, Lohor, Asar, Mahgrib, dan Isya (which also explains why a lot of my partners are up so early in the morning XD I couldn’t do Subuh for the life of me I’d be way too sleepy!)

Through this exchange I feel like I am making so much more progress than elsewise! I feel it is one of the most important part of learning a language, because speaking the language with others is the ultimate end goal so it is helpful to get right into it!

[lebensmoode]

Actually...

... there was someone I avoided here that made me take some times off. No, it was two. They made me hate what I should have cherished and been happy for. They made me even hate myself.

But now I think, what I hated wasn’t the persons. It’s the “thing”. The nature that they have. It wasn’t myself, but the negative and pathetic thought that empowered me. I hated why I was thinking and feeling that way. At least I have learned that what they were doing is out of my control and honestly has nothing to do with me. My resentment back then, yes, it was the result of comparing lives.

I thought I’ve been free from comparing, but it’s still testing my sanity :)

Now I'm in reckless mode about it, been there done that. Just want to work for what I can change.

---

Ini efek abis namatin drakor yang ber-genre melodrama makanya tulisan pun jadi ikutan sok serius. MAU REKOMEN DRAKOR YG BIKIN NGAKAK DONG BIAR HAMBA KEMBALI WARAS HUHU 😭

Kembali ke tujuan pengen sharing kehidupan selama hiatus. Sebenernya waktu itu beneran ngerasa useless sampe ke pori-pori terdalam karena satu dan lain hal. Freelance editan novel stuck, gak pernah masuk tawaran lagi. Bingung banget cari pemasukan dari mana. Udah bikin akun di fastwork tapi kayak I’ve done nothing. Pokoknya bener-bener ngerasa dibuang sama semesta, gaboleh hidup di bumi lagi :’)

Trus gak lama, pertengahan bulan juli, aing ngeliat story wa temen yg lagi butuh pengajar toefl online sampe akhir bulan. Niatnya mau nanya2 doang karena blum ada pengalaman ngajar toefl, eh langsung dihubungin dan disuruh ngajar. Mana gw gak perlu ngirim CV. Kan how could you trust me when I have trust issue with myself, gitu. Yaudah, jadi tu ngajar toefl online sampe akhir bulan, gw juga harus ngungsi ke tempat adik yg di tebing tinggi karena mereka pake wifi. Alhamdulillah ada pemasukan.

Masuk agustus, si temen yg sama ngepost story wa lagi yg isinya oprec tutor online untuk english speaking. Gw yang berbekal dari kelas online toefl kemaren ngerasa yauda lah coba aja lagi, manatau manatau. Yg ini lebih ketat, karena pake interview online segala. Gw dengan songongnya pergi ke starbak utk pake wifi mereka pas interview, berakhir nyesel karena SB MUTERIN LAGU BLACKPINK GAK HABIS-HABIS YAROOOBB MANA VOLUME NYA KENCENG. But luckily during the interview, lagunya yg terputer tuh lagu-lagu klasik era Frank Sinatra gitu. Itu pun masih dikomenin sama yg interviewer-nya “enak ya kita interview nya ada backsound” 🥂

Pasrah dah pasrah, gw rela gara-gara backsound SB gw gak keterima kerja. Konyol pisan wkwk. Alhamdulillah besoknya gw dikabarin lagi dengan kabar baik. Padahal aslinya I didn’t hope so much, kayak kalo gak keterima tuh gapapa bgt. Karena gw gak se-prefer itu untuk ngajar lagi, especially online. Rupanya semesta masih baiikk, masih dikasih jalan rejeki.

So here I am now, 2 kelas di bulan agustus udah dijalanin. Agak keteter sedikit mengingat jumlah siswanya yg hampir 20. But even so I love it anyway. Untuk bulan september ini gw dapet 1 kelas privat yg siswanya adalah cowo dan kita sebayaan. Semoga gak terjadi apa-apa hahaha

Karena masih bareng doi, si Rubby 🙃

Soal asmara, there’s nothing much different. Idk this is a good thing or a bad thing. But he really is a good company. Almost never we had a fight to each other. Gw pernah nangis kejer gara2 dia gak bisa dihubungin seharian pas gw lagi di tebing. Waktu itu pas lagi marak-maraknya begal. Panik dong, takut dia kenapa-napa. Taunya… hapenya dimaling :')

Beberapa minggu tinggal bareng keluarga adek gw di tebing, gw masih ngerasa relax dan enjoyable compared to live with my parents. Entah ini udah masuk ke kategori durhaka atau belum, atau entah emang udah di usia yg gak nyaman kalo tinggal bareng ortu. Dikit lagi, gais, dikit lagi tante ini masuk kepala tiga. Ckckck

Kangen ngeluh di sini, kangen misuh-misuh. Kangen reblog memes. For all this time, yg jadi pengganti Tumblr ya Rubby. I’m thankful for his being beside me. Kayaknya kalo gw jomlo, gw gak akan kepikiran untuk hiatus. Bisa gila gak ada tempat sampah :D (i asked him whether he would feel offended to address him tempat sampah, but he was okay with it✌🏻)

Now I’m here again with a new page. Gak berubah drastis kayak di pilem-pilem kok, yg mendadak jadi cantik, kaya, banyak harta. Tapi boleh ya Allah, hamba gak akan nolak 😊🙏🏻

[asrisgratitudejournal]

Rejected

Yaampun terakhir nulis minggu lalu ya. Masih sangat hepi bahkan lagi diare pun ngapdet Tumblr. Tapi setelah hari Kamis itu, semua berubah. Aku lupa Jumat ngapain, kayanya ngelanjutina nyuci carius tubes. Terus Sabtu kelas 16 pagi, pengajian, baca di Gladstone Link terkait Islam di Indonesia (¿). I know ku anaknya emang random banget, kayanya Jumat malamnya juga nonton Balibo itu deh, atau itu Kamis malam ya lupa. Terus Minggu kelas 16 lagi (setelah kesiangan 1 jam karena ternyata BST berubah jadi DST), DILANJUT BACA EMAIL MASUK DECISION LETTER DARI G-CUBED YANG SUPER LAKNAT, lalu ngopi sama Ketua PPI Oxford baru terpilih di Opera. Pulang ngapain lupa. 

Langsung deh Senin kemarin pusing dan nangis aja si Asri nih. Paginya jam 9 ku email spv dan postdoc terkait paper yang ke-reject ini. Si postdoc langsung whatsapp ngajak ketemuan karena kayanya dia khawatir aja sih. Terus Bang Reybi juga ngajak ngopi karena malamnya ku tantrum dramatis di stori insta. Udah janjian kerja di library Exeter sama Puspa sebetulnya, tapi jadinya cuma makan Sasi’s aja sama dia. Pas di Opera sama Bang Reybi ku MENANGIS HUHU. Padahal beneran lagi BAHAS SAINS!!! Kaya Bang Reybi nanya “emangnya apa Non komennya?” terus pas recounting langsung BANJIR?! Kayanya karena ku belum sepenuhnya processing my emotion di hari Minggu itu. Ku gatau apakah ini aku sedih? Atau upset? Atau biasa aja? Kayanya pas hari Minggu lebih ke kesel sih dan mau “sok kuat” “gapapa kok yang kemarin kena reject pertama lebih menyedihkan Non”. Padahal nggak. Yang ini lebih menyedihkan karena ku betulan udah yang NGERAPIHIN BANGET dan BEKERJA SANGAT KERAS untuk resubmission ini. Bukan berarti yang versi pertama nggak bekerja keras ya, tapi lebih kayak… yang resubmission ini TUH UDAH BAGUS BANGET gitu loh (menurut aku, the author, tentu saja). Literally ku bisa bilang 10x lebih bagus dari first submission. TERUS AFTER ALL THOSE WORK masih aja ga nembus?  

Dan lebih ke frustrated aja sih. Betulan kaya jalan nabrak tembok aja terus. Setelah semua usaha. Kayak... YAALLAH kenapa sih.... Terus tapi setelah kemarin ngobrol sama postdoc dan dibales email juga sama spv semalam, bisa lebih lega karena bisa putting blame in other people aja HAHA yaitu: the editor. Emang beda ya, inilah pentingnya ngobrol sama orang yang sudah mengalami proses ini berkali-kali dan bahkan menjadi editor juga. Mereka ngejelasin gimana si editor jurnal ini super-problematik: nggak nyari 3rd reviewer (there are reasons why peer-reviewers itu minimal 3 dan jumlahnya ganjil), terus entah kenapa dari 2 reviews yang SUPER BEDA DECISIONNYA ini (satu decline dan satu accept with MINOR REVISION mind you) (dan yang nge-accept ini adalah orang yang juga ngereview first submission-ku, which means he knew how this manuscript has evolved BETTEr than the NEW Reviewer#2 yang super-mean), si editor decided to take the DECLINE recommendation? Kayak Bro, make your own decision juga?? That’s what you’re getting paid as an editor for??? Hhhhh. 

Terus ya setelah ngobrol sama postdoc juga, we agreed that si Reviewer#2 ini juga problematic dalam interpreting our words. Somehow dia ngambil kesimpulan sendiri aja gitu yang cukup jauh dan ekstrim dari apa yang kita tulis. Contoh: jelas-jelas nih ye, DI section 5.6. (yang dia suruh hapus karena “ABSURD. MANA ADA MULTIMILLION OIL COMPANIES WOULD MAKE THEIR DECISION BASED ON YOUR FINDING”), we didn’t FUCKING SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OIL COMPANIES SHOULD USE MY FINDING TO MAKE ANY DECISION WHATSOEVER??! Ku cuma bilang “OK, jadi dari study ini kemungkinan besar Hg di source rock gaakan ngefek ke produced hydrocarbon, avoiding the cost of extra-facilities for Hg removal”. JUJUR KURANG TONED-DOWN APA LAGI SIH ITU KALIMAT??! Harus di-spell out juga uncertainties-nya berapa??! Dan beneran ku bikin section ini (awalnya gaada di first submission) karena salah satu reviewer di first submission ngerasa “impact ni paper bisa di-explore lagi ke industry, ga cuma sains aja”. HHHHHHHHHHHHHH. APASIH. Haha jadi getting worked up lagi sekarang pas nulis ini. 

Anyway. Iya. Cukup lega dari kemarin udah ngobrol dengan banyak orang. Dari Bang Reybi yang super-practical & helpful & penuh solusi (karena coming from-nya adalah dari sincerity kayanya kasihan kali ya melihat aku sedih), sampe jadi ranting bareng postdoc dan spv yang emang lebih paham medan perangnya dan problem apa aja yang ada di peer-review system dan science publishing YANG SUPER MAHAL ini. Teman-teman di insta juga mungkin mau bantuin tapi karena kami datang dari dunia yang sangat berbeda agak susah ngasih support kaya gimana… tetap terima kasih banyak (emoji salim)… Ada juga teman sesama PhD yang mostly reply “WAH KEJAM BANGET REVIEWNYA” “Wah pedas sekali” à ini sangat validating bahwa bukan aku aja yang ngerasa itu komen sangat harsh…, terus teman-teman PhD lain yang sharing experience kena reject juga (making me realise bahwa I’m not alone experiencing ini)… teman-teman yang ga PhD juga shared dari experience mereka capek aja sama hidup in general, yang udah nyoba berkali-kali tetep ga berhasil juga. Iqbalpaz yang w tumpahin semua di chat dm insta & ngingetin buat booking konseling (salim). Yang sharing betapa helpfulnya konseling buat mereka… Yang nge-salut-in aku karena mau keluar dari comfort zone Indo buat ambil PhD ke Oxford… Pokoknya berbelas-belas replies itu betulan makasih banget banget banget. Just the fact that you guys took your time to READ MY POST (harus nge-pause dulu kan buat baca teks2 kecil itu), apalagi sampe nge-REPLY. Pokoknya semoga kebaikannya kembali ke kaliannn. 

Dah gitu dulu aja berterima kasih-nya. Tapi lesson learned-nya adalah: kalau buat diriku sendiri sepertinya memang harus bilang dan cerita ke luar kalau lagi sedih. Jauh lebih cepat leganya. Dulu awal-awal PhD (2021 awal), aku kalau frustrated terhadap sesuatu cuma di-bottled up aja, dan betulan ngilang. Ga apdet stori. Ga texting siapapun. Semuanya dipikirin sendiri. Ngeri deh. Kenapa ya,, apa karena ngerasa gaada safe space buat sharing ya. Dan masih ngerasa yang “ga enakan”, mikirnya “duh kalau gw ngepos gini apa nggak kaya orang ga bersyukur ya”. Setelah konseling pertama di 2022 sepertinya mindsetnya mulai berubah. Dan ya emang 2021 gapunya teman juga sih. Sekarang Alhamdulillah ada lah beberapa teman yang bisa dicurhatin. 

HHHHHH ALHAMDULILLAH. 

Terus ku juga mulai sekarang akan reach out ke teman-teman yang kelihatan dari postnya lagi sedih atau upset. Kalaupun gabisa bantu ngajak ngopi atau ngobrol banget, minimal nge-reply stori mereka aja validating what they’re feeling (apalagi kalau cewek ya yang sangat rentan blaming themselves, and feeling guilty, just for complaining misalnya), kadang kalau bisa ya ikut nganjing-nganjingin juga, dan letting them know aja that I’m here for them whenever they need me. 

Lah jadi panjang ni post. Dah gitu aja dulu. Ini mau pulang deh. 

VHL 16:17 31/10/2023 

[bornlover]

Dear, sister i’ve got to choose.

Berawal dari “yah kok centa-nya kaya pengungsian” goes to “ih kalo ngumpul kaya gini inget kaya di centa” gatau bakal jadi se individualis apa kalo hari itu kita ada di centa yang kata orang “lebih bagus” “lebih enak” “lebih bebas” dan katanya katanya lain yang kalo denger aja bikin kita gak semangat ngapa ngapain saat itu. Sebulan di bunuh ekspektasi sendiri akan kenyataan ternyata ada loh kumpulan manusia yang rela rebutan kipas angin sama orang vietnam, kepanasan udah hampir mateng tapi tetep haha hehe yang dipikir pikir dulu hiburannya cuma beli jajan ke gyomu, ada loh kumpulan manusia yang 30 harinya makan sop, telor,nugget sampe muak nyatanya sekarang sesekali nyeletuk “kangen centa”. All thats because we miss memories we create back then. Yang perhari ini kadang beda shift, kadang sibuk masing masing, kegiatan baru, orang baru, dan hal hal baru lain yang gak kalah menyenangkan, but those memories stay. The old but warm, the one that we often miss about, memorinya jadi hitam putih, karena kalaupun warnanya di ulang, hangatnya gak akan sama lagi. Di umur gue yang berjalan lebih cepat dari yang lain, gue sadar ingin selalu berjiwa anak perempuan usia 19 tahun yang masih seger,aktif,cerewet, centil dan haha hihi everywhere. But the reality is, gue cuma mbak mbak yang ke jepang ini cuma buat kerja cari duit terus pulang untuk tidur, and unexpectedly met you all as gift, as sister i’ve got to choose everyday.. Seru rasanya tiap hari mikir “besok jalan adek gue yang mana lagi ya?” “Besok mau masakin mereka apa ya?” “Besok mau jailin siapa lagi ya?” Sedih kalau mikir semua hal dalam 3 tahun ini juga bakal cuma jadi foto hitam putih nantinya, tapi gue bersyukur banget sama semua hal, semua orang dalam foto ini. Panjang umur pertemanan kita, cuma bisa berdoa semuanya sehat, bahagia. Walau umur dua puluhan mustahil terjadi dua kali, tapi di kehidupan yang lain, dengan senang hati mari kita menjadi teman kembali🤍

[mendekam]

Many moments, many times, so much memories.

Hey Dinda, let me tell you a story about all the days we’ve been trough.

2017, aku datang ke jogja dengan harapan, cita-cita, dan semua mimpi, serta sedikit trauma. aku masih pemuda pemalu yang datang dari desa, ingin menjadikan kota ini bagian dari hidupku. ya, walaupun aku lahir disini, kala itu aku merasa asing kembali.

Aksa, teman baikku dari kecil, dia yang menemaniku membangun memori di kota ini. aku nggak bisa bohong, memang impianku tinggal di kota ini. walau aku masih numpang di rumah paman, sampai aku menulis tulisan ini.

Sore itu, aksa mengabariku

“Bid, ayo kancani aku nonton film, karo pacarku”

Dengan rasa penasaran (jalan-jalan) aku ikut dengannya. kalau nggak salah, kita nonton film horror lokal. sampai di mal itu, kita terlambat. pacarnya sudah masuk ke ruangan, lalu kita menyusul masuk.

Film itu selesai, dan kita keluar mengobrol di depan bioskop. di waktu itu, pertama kalinya aku melihatmu. Dinda namamu. setelahnya, Aksa menawari untuk menonton film lagi, kali ini pilihannya adalah film sedih. Surat Kecil untuk Tuhan (2017).

Kita menonton film lagi, seperti remaja pada umumnya. setelah keluar aku lihat matamu sembab, kamu menangis, akupun juga. banyak basa-basi, kita pulang. lalu di jalan pulang, dengan pedenya aku bertanya ke Aksa.

“Sa, yang tadi itu siapa? aku boleh minta kontaknya?”

di malam itu juga, ponselku dapat kontakmu.

tidak sadar, di malam itu, aku menanggalkan setengah hidupku.

Kita bercanda dan mengobrol di hari-hari selanjutnya. perihal hobi, sekolah dan hal kecil. Jepara, kampung halamanmu. Nama adik dan kakakmu. Tempat tinggalmu. Kesibukanmu.

Takdir, di hari ke 7 kita berkenalan, malam itu kita mengobrol terlalu asik. Sedang aku sudah melihatmu di hari-hari kedepanku. Di malam itu, aku mengambil gitar dan menyanyikan dua lagu untukmu. lalu, di hampir tengah malam, aku menelponmu. setengah menit, aku menyatakan kata-kata itu. lalu, kamu menjawabnya dengan ragu.

“Ini beneran?”

“Iya beneran, aku serius”

akhirnya, kita meyatakan untuk bersama. dengan segala keraguan dan pertimbangan. aku berani memanggilmu “Sya”. sebenarnya, aku nggak tau maksudnya apa, i thought that would be funny if call you with that instead of “Sayang”.

jujur, aku tidak romantis. kamu tahu itu.

Tahun pertama, semua berjalan dengan lancar. kita masuk sekolah yang bahkan berbeda. kamu selalu bercerita tentang kehidupan geng di sekolahmu yang terkenal mengerikan. aku bercerita tentang sekolahku yang tidak terlalu terkenal namun bersih dan asri.

Kamu selalu bercerita tentang kakak-kakak kelasmu yang tampan. jujur aku cemburu dengan mereka, dulu haha. aku masih menjadi Abid yang polos dan lemah.

Awal pacaran, kita masih mengajak Aksa untuk bertemu. karena aku malu untuk mengajakmu. setelahnya, kita sering keluar bersama di rumah makan jepang yang murah itu.

Satu tahun berlalu, kita semakin dekat. dan tragisnya, Aksa berpisah dengan pacarnya, teman dekatmu. Kamu mengajakku ke ulang tahun temanmu, dan disana aku merasa aku dihargai sebagai teman hidupmu.

Kita sering menonton film, beli minuman favoritmu di depan bioskop kecil itu, dan makan di nasi goreng kesukaanmu. Kita selalu jalan-jalan keliling setelahnya. aku menjemputmu di rumah nenekmu, dingin malam, hujan, tak peduli.

Sepupumu lahir, Azlan. semua perkembangannya aku tahu, kamu selalu cerita. Es krim yang kamu suka, di malam itu kita habiskan sembari melihat ramainya jalan. warna baju kita selalu sama, meski tidak berniat sebelumnya.

Petit Biscuit, kamu suka kan? lagunya enak memang, menenangkan. walau aku kadang meracunimu dengan musik-ku yang nggak jelas itu. salah satunya porter robinson.

Abid yang cuek itu, ketahuan merokok. maaf, ya. di tahun selanjutnya, banyak yang terjadi. Ensyclomordia kan, namanya? aku datang menemanimu jadi panitia. senang melihatmu bahagia.

aku selalu rindu kamu, ketika jauh. mungkin kamu juga. seringkali aku menyakitimu, maafkan aku ya.

kamu inget ketika kita main ke taman rekreasi dan menaiki komidi putar itu? rasanya, saat-saat itu dunia sedang bahagia ya.

ulang tahunmu yang ke 17, aku datang. aku bertemu keluargamu, aku sangat senang sekali. kita yang remaja ini, akhirnya bisa menikmati masa itu. kamu tersenyum sangat lebar.

dulu, kalau aku mau traktir kamu harus nabung dulu, sisain uang jajan kiriman mama. sedikit-sedikit buat makan enak. atau beli barang yang kamu inginkan. biar kamu senyum.

dari tempat makan yang murah, ke coffeeshop. lambat laun sepertinya tempat favorit kita berganti. Jeeva, kamu inget nama itu ngga? ya, segelas kopi susu kesukaanmu. kalau lagi nggak mood, aku biasa belikan kamu itu.

mie yang pedas, kamu suka pedas, aku suka pedas (dulu). di depan sekolahmu, biasa kita makan setelah pulang sekolah. dengan obrolan kecil sebelum tempat itu penuh dengan manusia.

kita berjanji, kalau nanti sudah kaya, kita akan punya rumah dengan warna pastel, pekarangan yang luas, dan interior model terkini. kita juga berjanji, akan masuk ke kampus impian kita. walau di masa itu, sepertinya aku terlalu sibuk mikirin kamu, jadi ga bisa masuk UGM, haha.

ketika kamu sedang sedih, atau sedang dalam kondisi tidak baik-baik saja. aku kadang membelikanmu coklat, dan mogu-mogu. berharap dengannya kamu merasa sedikit senang.

aku mulai suka mendaki gunung, kamu selalu mencariku. maaf ya, kepergianku buat kamu cemas. aku hampir mati beberapa kali. aku bertemu teman-teman baru di sekolah, mungkin banyak kepergianku yang menyakitimu.

kala itu, kamu selalu tidak percaya diri. tetang badanmu, dan hal lain. aku selalu menyukaimu, menyayangimu. maaf, aku tidak romantis. semua perlakuanku mungkin membuatmu tersinggung. tapi, percayalah aku selalu menanggapmu wanita paling cantik di muka bumi.

akhir masa sekolah, marisini? ingat nggak? sebuah tempat yang merubah semuanya. atau mungkin sebelas? laju? di semua tempat itu kita belajar sebelum ujian masuk kampus. kamu selalu mengingatkanku untuk membuat catatan. hal kecil, pulpen kokoro, kita selalu beli bersama.

banyak tangis yang kita lalui, banyak tawa yang kita lalui. di malam hari, aku selalu menanyakan kabarmu, bagaimana harimu, begitupun juga kamu.

aku minta maaf sudah jadi Abid yang selalu cuek. tapi, aku selalu membanggakanmu di semua orang yang aku temui. kamu bisa selalu rajin, pandai bicara, dan selalu peduli terhadapku. terima kasih.

akhirnya kita kuliah! walau tidak di kampus yang sama :(

aku bertemu teman-teman baru, kamupun juga. kamu memutuskan untuk bekerja paruh waktu, di kafe dekat kampusmu.

kalau aku tidak bisa menemanimu, kamu selalu marah dan kesal, maaf ya, sayang. tapi percayalah aku berusaha selalu ada dan mendukungmu.

kuliahmu susah, aku tahu itu. kamu adalah wanita yang hebat, siapapun yang melihatmu pasti ingin sepertimu. aku selalu memujimu.

semua tugas-tugasmu, keluhan kecilmu di kampus atau ditempat kerja, aku selalu dengarkan. aku mengenal teman-temanmu, akrab. you found yourself.

tanggal 7, dulu selalu kita rayakan.

bahkan ketika aku jauh, kamu selalu peduli kepadaku. obrolan kecil yang kita selalu beri, dua kali sebelum tidur.

lucunya, yang mungkin kamu tidak tahu. seringkali aku cerita ke teman-temanku betapa uniknya kita bertemu. dan betapa beruntungnya aku memilikimu.

akhirnya kamu sampai ke titik ini, dimana, kamu selalu bahagia dan tersenyum. percayalah, aku selalu senang melihatmu tersenyum.

maaf kalau aku cuma punya motor butut yang sering bocor ketika kita jalan-jalan. maaf aku cuma bisa membelikanmu makanan pinggir jalan yang kotor dan nggak sehat. maaf kalau lelucon yang aku bicarakan ke kamu di jalan keliling jogja itu terlalu garing dan nggak masuk akal. maaf kalau aku sering terlambat menjemputmu.

you are a big fan of The 1975. you love them.

kala itu, kamu selalu bercerita bagaimana kamu sangat suka dengan band itu. pertama kali, aku tidak banyak dengar tentang mereka. tapi kamu selalu mendengarkannya.

sampai suatu waktu, mereka datang kesini dan kamu ingin melihatnya, dan Porter Robinson juga. aku seperti disambar petir, dua band ini artis favorit kita! ya! favorit kita!

kejadian ditipu tiket, lalu kamu ada jadwal kuliah, sampai kita jalan jalan di jakarta. semua itu tidak akan pernah hilang di memoriku. senyum dan tangismu kala itu, warna di perjalanan kita. makanya jangan ngeyeeeell tooo.

we’re just a teenager, who falling in love with all of our differences.

dikala itu, kita punya banyak mimpi. mulai dari pergi ke swiss, punya rumah yang warnanya pastel, dan mesin kopi dirumah. kamu juga selalu bilang pengen ke menara eiffel.

aku selalu ingat mimpi itu, dan aku akan selalu berusaha mewujudkannya.

sampai, kita nonton konser bareng, lalu mereka batal manggung. kamu menangis, aku merasakan sedihmu. lalu aku menjanjikanmu,

“besok nontonnya di luar negeri aja ya”

maybe it’s all just about us. setelahnya aku selalu dengar The 1975, sampai sekarang. aku tahu kenapa kamu sangat suka band ini. terimakasih sudah mengenalkannya kepadaku. aku suka band ini.

akhirnya, 2023. aku mendapat pekerjaan, sambil kuliah. kamu selalu mengingatkanku untuk menabung. hei, sekarang aku sudah menabung!

aku selalu bersyukur dengan apa yang terjadi, semua hal yang ada di hidup kita. aku sudah memimpikan masa depan yang kita impikan, didepan mata.

sedikit demi sedikit, aku menata hidupku dan satu persatu bisa aku gapai, bersamamu.

lalu, kita banyak merangkai memori di jakarta. kota kedua dengan memori kita. aku ingat kamu selalu ingin beli kopi tuku. ya, aku selalu suka kopi itu setelah kita membelinya. aku selalu mampir kesana setiap berangkat kerja.

Oktober, 2023. aku pulang ke jakarta, tapi aku tidak mau pulang ke rumah. setelahnya aku dipaksa pulang oleh ibu, karena ada suatu hal yang ingin diceritakan.

hidupku hancur.

rumah itu, sudah tidak ada bentuknya.

hancur semuanya.

ibu menangis dipelukanku, aku tidak tau harus bagaimana. lalu, setelahnya aku benci pulang ke rumah.

aku jadi abid yang pendiam, menutup diri, dan jarang bercerita. masa sulit dirumah, pekerjaan, kuliah membuatku selalu sulit dalam menata kembali jalan ini. aku selalu menangis tiap malam, ibu… ibu… mungkin kamu sadar akan itu.

banyak kegiatan akhir kampus yang berlalu, aku tetap tidak bisa menjadi abid yang biasanya. aku tidak bisa cerita ke siapapun, apapun.

you still called me “sayang”

desember, aku pulang lagi. kali ini aku dipaksa pulang. aku sudah cerita ke kamu.

but, i feel something is missing. aku nggak tau kenapa (mungkin aku tau). ketika aku sedang sensitif, aku hanya ingin menemanimu bekerja dan ditemanimu ketika ngobrol.

aku belum siap untuk cerita.

sampai suatu hari, perasaanku tidak enak. banyak teman-teman yang mengejekku, tapi aku selalu membanggakan kamu.

aku berusaha memperbaiki diriku, mungkin dengannya kamu lebih siap mendengar ceritaku. tapi kamu mulai tidak mendengar kata-kataku.

di suatu waktu, aku selalu merasa “apa ada yang salah dengan diriku” atau “apa dia sudah berbeda”. malam itu, kita mempunyai kesempatan bercerita, namun kurasa kamu belum siap.

kamu terburu-buru, bahkan ketika momen setelah makan di meja itu, kamu asik main game dengan aku masih berbicara didepanmu tentang nasihatku. jujur, aku sakit hati.

yang ada dipikiranku cuma masa depan kita bersama.

setelahnya, aku berusaha selalu ada untukmu. di hari itu, kita membeli roti untuk berbuka puasa. aku menemanimu sambil meeting kerja. lalu kamu bekerja dengan semangat.

namun, mungkin takdir berkata lain, di tempat itu aku merasa lemah dan tidak bisa apa-apa. yang aku pikirkan hanya, kenapa?

kamu tidak memberikan jawaban. aku berusaha melindungimu, aku berlutut aku memohon kepadamu. dan kamu masih ingin melanjutkan jalan kita bersama. namun aku tidak tahu kenapa, mungkin aku terlalu shock dan emosi, aku menanyakan kepastian kepadamu.

sebab dan akibat.

aku jadi protektif, aku takut kehilanganmu. lalu aku beri waktu kamu sendiri, karena, kamu ingin melanjutkan jalan kita bersama.

naas, abid yang sudah mati ini, ternyata diinjak-injak lagi. tidak semua bunga berarti indah dilihat, terutama bunga dikamarmu.

aku berusaha berbuat baik kepadamu, keluargamu dan semuanya. namun, mungkin belum waktunya. aku beberapa kali ingin bunuh diri, namun selalu dihalangi. dunia terlalu kejam.

you’ve changed, and i dont know why. aku tahu semua hal yang kamu bicarakan ke aku, aku tahu hal yang kamu lakukan dibelakangnya.

akhirnya, kamu memilih jalan mengakhiri hubungan ini dan kita udahan. aku anggap semuanya nyata. we’ve parting our ways. kamu bilang lagi nggak mau cinta-cintaan (sama aku). dan kita harus jadi lebih dewasa, yang mana menurutku dewasa itu tidak lari dari masalah.

aku cuma mau minta maaf, lahir bathin, mumpung masih suasana lebaran (kamu belum hehe) tapi aku udah maafkan kok, tenang.

maaf atas semuanya, yang belum kamu maafkan.

and thank you for the memories, juga luka yang kamu berikan, yang hanya kamu yang bisa mengobatinya.

aku sekarang jadi abid yang lebih pemalu lagi, aku takut melihat perempuan. nggak tau sampe kapan. aku rasa aku nggak layak buat dicintai lagi. selama aku masih hidup aja udah syukur.

after all, thank you for being Dinda i know.

kadang kalau lagi senang, banyak sedih yang harus dilalui. aku baru menata karir, aku udah menabung buat beliin kamu handphone baru yang kamu impikan itu, lalu entahlah bagaimana sekarang. aku jadi boros beli apa-apa buat menyenangkan diriku (nggak bisa senang).

salam buat Mamamu, Papamu, dan semua saudaramu. Jaga mereka ya, jangan rusak kaya keluargaku. Terima kasih buat semua kepercayaan mereka padaku, juga terima kasih buat teman-temanmu walau banyak yang aku tidak suka.

maaf atas kejadian oleh-oleh. aku nggak bilang apa-apa ke kamu, juga ke Mama mu. aku cuman mau ngasih titipan buat keluargamu. dan aku pesan untuk bungkusan yang didalam jangan dibuka, buat kamu. sudah itu aja.

mungkin aku akan menghilang dari hidupmu, tidak mengganggumu lagi. selamat menempuh hidup baru tanpa aku, diganti dengan pria yang menurutmu lebih dari aku. 3636, twin flame atau apalah.

aku izin buat pergi.

sekali lagi, terima kasih sudah mencintaiku seperti Mama.

terima kasih, Dinda.

Semangat❤️

[plasterdrain]

heirloom pain.

human are fucked up in beautiful way, atau sebaliknya dengan mereka yang belum mengerti sama sekali mengapa memilih hidup di dunia yang seberantakan ini. salah siapa? entahlah, semua orang disalahkan kalau seperti ini jadinya. salah cintanya dengan manusia lain yang berakhir ada manusia lain muncul, begitu terus sampai bumi penuh dengan manusia-manusia fucked up lainnya. human are beautiful in fucked up way. dua arah yang saling berlawanan tapi mereka tahu saling tertarik dengan satu sama lain. 

mungkin itu artinya juga manusia mesti menjalankan hidupnya di bumi ini, mau kemana? 

“bagaimana kalau kita tinggal di bulan saja?” sarapan kali ini dibuka dengan pertanyaan aneh yang dilemparkan pacarnya sambil mengunyah roti dengan selai stroberi. “aku udah siapin americano buat kamu, duduk dulu.”

“nanti di jalan macet.’

“jalanan yang macet, bukan salah kamu.”

“salah aku kalau nanti sampai kantornya aku telat.”

“jawab dulu pertanyaan aku, wonbin.” yang mana, barusan mereka tidur di kamar yang sama, kasur empuk yang sama, dan sungchan diam-diam memeluknya agar tetap hangat. “tenang aja, mereka nggak bakal marahin kamu, masih pada liburan juga ‘kan.”

tapi akan jadi masalah karena wonbin masih memilih kerja ketimbang ambil waktu liburan bersama sungchan di musim panas, meskipun pria itu tidak marah sama sekali karena mereka tidak mengambil liburan bersama di musim panas. sungchan tidak mengatakan apa-apa juga soal liburan tahun ini. tinggal bersama saja sudah cukup. 

“kenapa milih bulan sih?” 

“pengen aja. lihatin manusia-manusia lain dari bulan, bukannya keren. kita berduaan di bulan dengan enaknya.”

“kenapa?”

wonbin mengatakan ingin jauh dari tempat tinggalnya, bukan berarti mereka meninggalkan bumi. 

“kamu pernah bilang ingin tinggal jauh, jauh dari rumah kamu, jadi aku mau menemani kamu kalau tinggal di bulan.” jauh dari rumah, sungchan ingat juga bagaimana ia tidak ingin kembali ke tempat itu, bahkan sampai sekarang pria itu memilih tinggal bersamanya. “aku janji temani kamu, wonbin.” 

“you can always see them from far far away, nggak perlu takut ada orang yang berkomentar soal kita ‘kan, kamu juga nggak perlu takut lagi kalau sudah tinggal jauh, ada aku.” ada sungchan, bagaimana wonbin bersandar tiap hari di pundak lebar sungchan yang telah jadi saksi kehidupannya selama ini. “bonusnya, kita bercinta tiap hari tanpa takut orang mengintip.”

“kamu ngeselin banget!”

“aku cinta kamu, wonbin. i would do everything for you.” sama seperti memilih tempat tinggal mana yang cocok mereka tempati, selagi ada sungchan. 

“trims.”

“you always build so much walls, wonbin. i should be there with you too building a new home for us, a safe space for you and me, so you won’t be afraid anymore, no one can hurt you, even your deadbeat dad, i will always be with you, sweets.” wonbin kalau begitu mau tingal di bulan bersama sungchan, hanya dengan pria itu, di atap yang sama. 

i don’t deserve you, sungchan. what if they will end up fucked up too, what if sungchan doesn’t want him anymore, what if… he hates wonbin after all this time. what if wonbin made him stuck with him like his dad did to his mom, what if sungchan doesn't want him anymore. he is tired. 

“kamu nggak bosen nanti tinggal sama aku terus?”

sungchan menggeleng. “sampai sekarang aku maunya tinggal sama kamu terus, kenapa harus dipikirin?”

“nggak tahu, manusia ‘kan bosenan.”

“nggak kalau sama kamu,”

“okay, aku cuma nanya.”

“sorry, kalau defensif, tapi aku harus berulang kali ingetin kamu, kalau aku maunya kamu, and i know you still thinking about it, your feelings are valid and you will not hurt me, wonbin. kamu nggak akan lakuin itu, kamu bukan orang itu—”

“maaf.”

maybe because wonbin still wearing badge of honour to be human in fucked up ways. pandangannya kabur, memikirkan bagaimana sungchan masih tetap ada di satu atap bersamanya, masih mengingat minuman paginya dan memilih sarapan bersama, tanpa harus memikirkan jalanan macet yang buat mereka telat nanti. 

“sayang…”

tolong jangan beri wonbin titel seperti itu pagi ini yang bahkan ia hampir mengabaikan sungchan di meja makan sekarang. 

“wonbin…’

“maaf, aku takut kamu yang pilihannya salah buat tinggal sama aku, kak.”

“people fall in love and fuck up, we all fall in love and fuck up too, maybe stay with you is the best choice i have to fall in love with you even more, park wonbin. i would like to spend more time with you.” 

“is it like i had a choice?” tanya wonbin. 

“no, you're stuck with me.”

“and another lifetime too?”

“yes, i would like to spend more another life with park wonbin, too.”

[cocotangaje]

I might be writing about him into novel but here we go.

Guetuh dulu anti banget sama yang namanya diatur. Rasanya kayak ada di dalam perangkap; harus sekuat tenaga dulu usaha hanya untuk didengar. Karena gue lahir di keluarga yang ketat ngejaga dengan segala aturan disiplin yang harus ditaati orang yang tinggal dibawah atap rumah.

Terus pelajaran hidup membawa gue akhirnya sampai ke tahap, gak ada salahnya diatur selama yang ngatur bisa menjelaskan alur berpikirnya dulu, mau mendengarkan, dan tentunya dia yang bisa membahagiakan dan providing something dulu sebelum ngatur.

And i find it all, in him.

Setiapkali gue pacaran, biasanyatuh ada aja nemu satu dua hal yang bikin gue ilfeel karena gue menoleransi manusia dengan menurunkan standar gue terhadap laki-laki yang tercipta dari teladan yang selama ini gue lihat di rumah; papap. Gue sama papap tuh punya semacam hate-love relationship banget di rumah. Paling sering berantem, bikin nangis, adu bacot, tapi gue sayang banget sama beliau. He show me a lot of love to my mom, and to his family. The way he protected what's belong to him at cost, teach me that he could do anything to make sure his family happiness.

Papap tuh sangat bucin sama mamah. Mengerti disamping banyak kesel dan kecewanya. Marah sekali dua selalu ada, tapi at the end of the day, beliau selalu inget tanggal ulangtahun, pernikahan, lurus dengan hidupnya, bisnisnya, kontribusinya, hobinya, dan anak-anaknya. Bahkan beliau yang menciptakan lingkungan rumah yang anti patriarki dengan membagi tugas rumah ke seluruh anggota keluarga, beliau kebagian part cuci baju sama ngepel rumah.

And. I. Met. A. Man. As. Good. As. My. Dad.

I called him with Bas. Baskara. Sepanjang gue kenal, i knew it well he was born to be an alpha. Tipikal manusia yang tau gimana dirinya, yang terbaik buat dia, maunya apa, tujuan hidupnya, mau dibawa kemana, apa aja yang harus dia lakukan, dan disiplin terhadap segala yang dia susun dari awal. He could plan everything. Gue bisa jalan dengan kepala kosong, tanpa mikir, dan berakhir dengan pilihan dia yang bikin gue seneng-seneng aja.

He take care of himself veryyyy goooddd. A morning person, rajin olahraga, tau hal-hal dasar dari menjaga kebersihan diri. Mungkin juga faktor dari pekerjaannya sebagai orang kesehatan di rumah sakit (dia perawat operasi-operasi gitu katanya, gue gak paham), jadi hal-hal seputar personal self care tuh dijalanin. Gak yang cuma omong doang. It also such a point super duper mega plus for me karena gue tau dia gak akan bingung harus apa in case someday gue kenapa-kenapa.

And this kind of love feels so.... liberating.

Gue mungkin terbiasa banget menoleransi manusia (khususnya cowok) yang masih bingung sama hidupnya, gak disiplin, gak peduli sama dirinya sendiri, dan ketika sama gue mereka jadi merasa hidupnya bisa "dibenerin" berkat kehadiran gue. I'm tired of fixing someone's life. I'm tired of dating for being a their life's hero. I want someone who as good as me, a kind of balance-relationship.

And i found it. In him.

Dan buat pertama kalinya gue sedikit berharap, Tuhan buat yang satu ini, boleh gak gue minta buat dipanjangin durasi episode bersinggungannya? Kalo bisa, sepanjang usia aja?

[adelinerei]

𝙰𝙱𝙾𝚄𝚃 𝙼𝚈𝚂𝙴𝙻𝙵 (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

Hi, my name is Adeline and I am 18 years old. I am currently studying at KPTM BANGI and have thoroughly enjoyed myself here. The college is great, the people are fantastic and the atmosphere is one that makes you actually want to go to campus. Before I joined KPTM I was studying at the SMK jalan 2 for 5 years. I was born and raised here in Bangi and grew up here.I am an interesting, fun loving girl and also an introverted girl. One thing about me that is important to know though is that at first I come of as a very shy individualistic girl but once I get to know people and are comfortable with my environment I am great. It is hard for me to make friends but once I make them, it’s great and I am all different. I joke, laugh and humor people and I also get as much as I give. I am not a very kind person and I'm also a sensitive girl. I am a soft shell from the outside but in the inside I am also soft type of person too. I am also a very straight and honest person. I understand and know that we all put on a show sometimes and do not show who we really are or what we feel but some people do this constantly and those kinds of people I cannot stand.

[thistransient]

Ah, a perfect illustration for me to muse about KL.

- For some reason I expected KL to follow a similar flow; after all, I was also going back after ten years (and thereby redoing a somewhat malcontent experience with the ex). However, I made many tactical errors here. I did not make solid plans, I waffled and faffed about, unable to decide if I was staying here or going there (inevitably, I stayed as it required the least effort), I had no real meaningful social interaction, I stayed in a hotel with no breakfast, I was bereft when faced with description-less menus in down-to-earth local establishments ("what do you recommend?" or "which is your favourite?" to the server is a very dangerous question indeed). I feel somewhat remorseful that I did not commit to a bit, either complete sloth and hipster cafes, or truly dedicated tourist-ing. I also stayed directly on Jalan Petaling, and found in a strange way (okay maybe I'm really stretching for a complaint here) it detracted from the fun of going in search of the place to be if you're staying smack in the middle of it.

- When I went to Seoul I did research. I had plans. Things to see! Places to go! I stayed at a guesthouse and had some friendly interaction with the host, and daily provided breakfast. Most places I ate at had picture menus for wayward foreigners, or at least I was familiar enough with Korean food and Hangul to figure things out. It was suitable weather for rambling around. I was having a bittersweet life transition ending Chinese class, and revisiting Korea after ten years!

It was also not the weather for extended trotting about outside (I did eventually partake in the time-honoured tropical tradition of walking around the giant multi-storey AC'd mall though).

- This is not to say I didn't enjoy the hipster cafes and art spaces (once I actually got out of bed). Or staying in a hotel room bigger than my own apartment, with nice bedding (even if I never figured out how to turn on the hot water in the shower). But in hindsight it feels kind of a coagulated blur. When I was there, it was an elastic eternity, and now that I'm back, almost as if I never left. Perhaps I simply wasn't in the right frame of mind, or perhaps I was just somewhat brainwashed by the blaring music from the bars across the street until 3 or 4 AM my first few nights there.

- I will say though, I had a very heartening experience being gendered unequivocally correctly around 99% of the time. One thing about Chinese is that with no spoken gendered pronouns and a formal "you", it is very hard to tell how people are perceiving me in Taiwan until they are trying to redirect me to a different bathroom, which is really not the optimal situation in which to find this out. Malaysia is very into the sir/ma'am honorifics. I suspect there is also some effect had by a more conservative, illegal-homosexuality sort of culture where clothes and styling are great determiners of which box one gets sorted into, vs Taipei where it's fair game to assume that maybe you look like that cause you're just really, really gay?

- The metro escalators in KL go much faster than I'm used to an escalator going (I'm not complaining). The metro in KL is also disjointed and confusing and the ticket machines are uncooperative for wrangling.

- I don't want to judge a group of people on a whole based on their hospitality personas, so I'll just say at the least, Malay Malaysians working in customer service are very charming and friendly.

- I really intended to eat a ton of fruit and then I just...didn't, maybe because I am used to buying fruit whole in multi-kilo volumes and eating it at home, but the hotel was not conducive to that at all (no mini fridge, no knives).

- Every time I go to Singapore/Indonesia/Malaysia I come away wanting to learn Malay/Indonesian because it is just so delightful to look at the stack of languages in one piece of signage and have no real idea which word matches up to which in English. (Well, that's not entirely correct, I can recognise some basic things à la "saya suka makan pisang" after those two weeks couchsurfing in Sumatera some years ago. But then, I'm always torn because if I want to learn an Austronesian language I should really just go for Filipino so I can actually understand half my tumblr dash- I cracked open a teach-yourself sort of book at a hostel in Cebu once and my brain simply refused to unlatch its death grip on Chinese at the time, but maybe there's room for another grammar system in there now?)

- On the plane back there were (or so it sounded) at least two children who threw a fit and screamed bloody murder at full lung capacity (I am really not exaggerating here, it was impressive) when we experienced turbulence during takeoff and landing, but I had already put in my hotel earplugs, and simply smiled to myself thinking of how I'd learned, through a visit to Teotihuacán one year, that when the Aztecs sacrificed children to the rain god, the more they cried the better the rains were expected to be.

- For the first time ever at Taoyuan Airport the immigration officer examined my passport in minute detail (even some kind of little magnifying glass thing?) and asked how long I was staying, which reminded me a) I forgot to make myself look presentable and b) I claim to live here but I actually have zero guaranteed right to it at the moment (sleep deprived and not having eaten since breakfast, this threatened to send me into an emotional spiral until I reminded myself of those compounding factors and decided to save that thought for after dinner). I said I was leaving on the 19th (because that is the date for which I still have an unused exit flight). The officer seemed pacified and stamped me in for another 90 days. But maybe it is time to finally put some effort into reestablishing my formal alien residency.

- Last but not least, maybe I should have stayed in KL cause apparently Taiwan is having a heatwave and it's gonna be 39C tomorrow, and KL will be a chilly 31 or so.

[soujjwalsays]

Bhaisahab kabhi kisi se itni jalan hui hai ki bas man kara ki uss insaan ka sarr phod do?? Fellow man asking a fellow man

Yes sirrrr... So back in school I was dating this girl and we were really hitting it off, we even matched our schedules, talked during and post school more like 13-14 hrs min 🤡 (the puppy love.. We all did it). BUT we kinda kept it secret because people always shipped us together.

Ok so almost 2 weeks before the trip there was a MUN (Model United Nations) conference at our school. So we also use to play anonymous chits as a fun game before the final results were announced (MUN people know). So in that very conference, we both (me and girlfriend) were participating and we had different portfolios.. So i sent this very good and nice full of compliments chit to her and she knew it's me BBBBUUUUTTTTT! My gf on the other hand messed up with my portfolio and she sent this chit which was suppose to go to me but went to this random dude. She was embarrassed AF! , 😂😂 but i had no clue while this other guy started boasting that yo ik I'm that great etc etc. And even approached her post conference while I couldn't obviously hit him because a. I don't have the apt reason acc to public info. b. My gf was already quite embarrassed and just wanted to get away from anyone.

The only reason that guy took her name to boast that girls fall left and right while talking about him, his looks etc. Really made me as you say sarr phod do.

Eventually that relationship ended and it ended on good terms and we still talk sometimes but I always mention that incident and it's just a funny memory for both of us now.

So yes that's it... Man to man 🤝

[princessvivs]

The Completed Puzzle

Di usia 31 tahun ini, ada pandangan baru yang baru gue lihat. Tentang gambaran- gambaran di masa lalu yang kalau dilihat sekarang kok rasanya unik ya, like a completed puzzle.

Pagi tadi tetiba terlintas kenang-kenangan zaman dulu sekolah. Beberapa crucial moments yang saat itu kayaknya really a big thing for me. Sebutlah masa-masa punya pacar pertama yang padahal sebenernya gue sukanya sama sohibnya dia. Hahahaha! It’s been my most sacred secret for years! Hahahaha. But now i can easily spoil it all here! Hahahaha. Well, that one person who’s been my wonderwall for decades and perhaps one of the things that make me feel like i never be 100% complete without him. Cut the story short, lately i found out that he’s finally got married with a girl i know nothing about. This fact has somehow alter my point of view. Uniquely gue seperti melihat kembali potongan-potongan kenangan zaman dulu yang sekarang sudah jadi a completed puzzle :’) Me and my little family, my ex with his little family, and him with his new path of life, the one who said “kesempatan ngga dateng dua kali loh” and made me casually became his best friend’s girl friend🤣🤣🤣 My riddiculous love story 🤣

It’s just kinda cute to see how this life takes us to different paths we never imagined before :’) The completed puzzles, walaupun yaa kehidupan orang nggak tamat di pernikahan. Tapi kayak, that chapter — for me myself — is finally finished :’)

Well, akhir kata, walaupun kata the Script “no good in ‘goodbye’”, tapi kali ini kayaknya sudah saatnya say goodbye for good 🥰

Dear my cute love stories, case closed ya? Thanks for all the lessons and memories. Buat para mister, my best wishes for you guys. Semoga kita semua bahagia di jalan kita masing-masing 🥰🥰🥰