#aledolfo angst

[callsign-bunnie]

Epilogue - Why Can't I Be More?

Years passed. Alejandro and Rodolfo got older. More secure. Healthier. No longer were they boys tossed into a problem at likely too young. They were Colonel Alejandro Vargas and Sergeant Major Rodolfo Parra. Those titles commanded respect and in some circles, fear.

The cartel had long since stopped growing as a problem, just remained the same size. They didn’t lower their defenses, they had just learned how to control it for now. But this was all supposed to change this new day.

Rodolfo got into the truck, unsmiling as always around strangers. He had watched the two men they were picking up bicker with each other. Reminded him of two men he knew, a little. He glanced into the mirror as Alejandro got in, frowning at the mask one wore. A skull mask.

He felt unnerved by it.

“This is my best friend and second in command, Sergeant Major Parra.” Alejandro introduced Rodolfo, who didn’t answer. He never did when they had people come, anymore. No point. They usually only glanced at the problem and then left again.

“I am afraid of ghosts.” Rodolfo murmured to Alejandro, staying in spanish so he couldn’t be understood, flushing. He felt really unnerved by the man in the ghost mask.

But, Alejandro gave him that same reassuring smile, half amused, he always did and Rodolfo felt himself relax again. Years ago, he may have found himself resenting the way Alejandro said “best friend” but now… Rodolfo knew better.

It meant more. It always had. Always would. Rodolfo could accept that now. After all, the ring on his left hand said that Alejandro would love him until they died. Beyond even death.

So, Rodolfo glanced at the rearview mirror, looking at their guests again as Alejandro asked if they knew spanish. He half smiled to himself as he heard them say no.

“You will.” Alejandro nodded, glancing again at Rodolfo as he pulled out. “Welcome to Las Almas.”

[tavtarnish]

On another note, I'm also trying to draw some AleRudy / Aledolfo content

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More PT1

Rodolfo and Alejandro have been sleeping around for years. It's meant to be no strings attached but Rodolfo wants more, though he's not willing to admit this to Alejandro. Alejandro wants Rodolfo to open up to him, Rodolfo fears rejection from confessing his feelings. On top of all this, the cartel problem is growing, day by day. They're being slowly cut off from the rest of Mexico. Everyone involved is being faced with a problem that may, one day, be no longer able to be fixed.

Things need to change.

AO3 link

--

“File these reports for me.”

No please. No, ‘will you file these reports for me?’ Not even his name attached to the request- No, order. Alejandro wasn’t asking or requesting, he was telling Rodolfo to file the reports. Of course, Rodolfo would do it, he had no intention of not filing the reports, but… A please would have been nice.

They’d been best friends since they were children, even if Alejandro was Colonel Alejandro Vargas, now, it would still be nice to get some sort of recognition that Rodolfo was anything other than Sergeant Major Rodolfo Parra, second in command.

Rodolfo looked at the files being held out to him and he wished he could say he was even shocked, but lately, Alejandro had just been like this. So, he just took them and watched Alejandro walk away without so much of a thank you. “You’re welcome,” he muttered to himself, anyway, and then stood and went to file the paperwork.

Rodolfo knew it was partially his fault, he took the orders with no opposition, he had for a while, and he likely would forever, but… It would still be nice to have any sort of… of… warmth behind the order.

Regardless, he stepped into the file room, which he probably saw more than his quarters on base at this rate, and opened the file cabinet to file the reports. They were nothing more than progress reports on recruits, orders for repairs here and there, mission status reports, and various other paperwork that Rodolfo recognized as having done, himself, and was likely looked over by Alejandro.

Becoming Sergeant Major Parra had been… no surprise. He was Alejandro’s Best Friend after all, so he knew that as soon as Alejandro had become Colonel, Rodolfo would be promoted as well. For the weeks up to the official promotion, Alejandro had told him any time it got brought up that Rodolfo would be promoted as soon as Alejandro was.

It was practically the next day, in fact. Apparently, Alejandro had had the paperwork all filled out and it just needed to be submitted and approved. Which it was with little pushback, the only concern being Rodolfo’s title.

The paperwork had come back as Rodolfo Perra. Which… Rodolfo was still slightly irritated about. Alejandro had laughed for an hour or so and yes it was… honestly a little funny, but Rodolfo had grown up hearing those jokes, at some point, they just got old.

Regardless, Rodolfo had gladly accepted the promotion, even if it was made clear to him that he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Hell, if Alejandro hadn’t told him, practically all of Los Vaqueros would have. Alvarez, the closest to Rodolfo’s position, had threatened to forge his signature if he didn’t accept.

Rodolfo knew she was joking as she was sort of uptight about rules. Hell, he wasn’t sure she’d broken a law in her entire life, but… he would believe she’d do that one. It was sort of an unspoken acknowledgement that Rodolfo was Alejandro’s impulse control. Oh, Los Vaqueros idolized Alejandro, that was true. But.. Rodolfo was the one to keep Alejandro back from doing dangerous things.

“No one can kill Alejandro, but Alejandro.” There was a reason for that.

Rodolfo shook off the reminiscing. Regardless of how gladly he’d accepted the promotion, he was basically a glorified secretary, now. He’d done it to himself, really. He accepted the orders to file paperwork and he knew Alejandro had troubles actually filling out paperwork, but… even still, it sucked to think about the fact that being Sergeant Major Parra meant little more than… the other half of a desk.

How had they gotten here?

Rodolfo rested his head on the filing cabinet as he continued to file the paperwork as there was a lot more than he was expecting. The stack was thick, but he’d been expecting less, but thicker stacks. Actually, it appeared there were more single paper reports that had to go between several files.

But, he breezed through it. He would hope so, he’s been doing this for the better part of two years.

When he did finish, he lifted back up, rolling his shoulders and wincing. He wasn’t quite sure when he’d picked up this slouching habit as his old CO would have lost his mind, had he seen it, but it was wearing on his shoulders. Alvarez had jokingly suggested finding a posture corrector, and he had to admit it was tempting. His spine was certainly protesting the habit.

Locking the cabinet once every drawer was closed, he debated going out to the training field and watching the recruits. They’d recently gotten a whole batch of them who had enlisted from a nearby basics camp. Rodolfo wasn’t entirely sure why they kept sending them.

Regardless, he doubted Alejandro would need him much for the rest of the day as it was the quiet part of the year for Las Almas. Even the cartel was quiet around this time of the year. Something about winter just made everything go quiet in Las Almas. Sure, they’d still have drug busts and raids but… it seemed a tenuous agreement between the Cartel and Los Vaqueros to just leave each other alone for this time of year.

Other Special Forces units likely would go on missions outside of their cities during slow parts, but regardless of whatever unspoken agreement they had, Rodolfo was positive that if they tried that, the Cartel would unleash whatever hell they had gathered and that would not end well for anyone. So, they rarely did anything outside of Las Almas.

Rodolfo couldn’t help missing when they were children, and the cartel was just… a ghost story. Don’t hang with the wrong crowds, don’t stay out too late, be a good student. Don’t draw unnecessary attention, stay away from drugs, all drugs. It had been nothing more than a boogey man, meant to keep them in line. Meant to make them behave.

Now, it was real, a growing but constant thorn in their side. A rotting tooth that had long passed the need to be removed, and infection had taken root deep inside the jaw. They lost recruits almost daily. The cartel took them, either by death or by drawing them to their side.

The infection had already overtaken the Basic Military in Las Almas, leaving Los Vaqueros to keep fighting it, alone.

Los Vaqueros. That was what the people called them. Cowboys. Once, it had filled Rodolfo’s chest with pride. They were still there, doing what they could to help Las Almas, to fight back the rotting infection and desperately trying to save Las Almas. Now? It was no more than weight, adding to the growing pile that Rodolfo knew rested on Alejandro’s shoulders.

He could see it, dragging him down day after day. Honestly, even before when Rodolfo still had more faith in the cause, he had been concerned. He knew what could happen to Alejandro when he was built up too high. Rodolfo had been there, time after time, to hold the bricks into his pedestal, even when they kept crumbling.

He could still remember the last time Alejandro had completely crashed down to earth… Valeria. He wasn’t even entirely sure what had happened there but… whatever it had been had hurt Alejandro, badly. Rodolfo had been there, though, to pick up the pieces and put them back together. Alejandro was better, now. Rodolfo knew that.

But it had been a deeply stressful few years for him as he tried to keep Alejandro together, as well as keeping himself together. But, he’d do it again. He always would.

Rodolfo shook his head and decided he would go to the training field. He was curious about the new recruits and, besides, if he ended up being needed, he had a radio, Alejandro would call for him. He always did.

So, he turned in that direction and off he went.

He still had a bit of trouble getting new recruits to respect him. Rodolfo knew he was on the smaller side, compared to most of their men. The actual seasoned Vaqueros didn’t care about height but… it was certainly a part of gaining respect with the new ones. It didn’t help that Rodolfo preferred being able to evade and sneak around, so he kept to the smaller side. He felt no need to bulk just to gain respect. He knew what he was able to do, bulking would just slow him down.

And, regardless, he wasn’t ashamed of his build. When he wasn’t trying to have a power struggle with early 20 something year olds (as if Rodolfo wasn’t only 27) trying to learn how to respect harsher authority. And most of them didn’t see someone they had to look down at as an authority.

Hell, some 30 year olds didn’t, either.

In time, they would come to respect him. If not as Sergeant Major Rodolfo Parra, at least as Alejandro’s second in command. Alejandro had, many times, smugly just gestured to Rodolfo as a recruit tried to go over his head, and said “it’s my SIC’s decision, recruit.”

Regardless of any frustration between them, Alejandro had always commanded respect for Rodolfo, not just as well as Rodolfo. Los Vaqueros would respect Rodolfo as Alejandro’s second in command, or there would be consequences. And, Alejandro had always listened to Rodolfo when it came to the recruits. He joked that it was one less chore to do, but Rodolfo knew that Alejandro knew Rodolfo knew what he was doing.

Maybe this constant respect, even if Alejandro treated him like a secretary, was what kept Rodolfo from really questioning his treatment. He knew Alejandro had a lot going on, he knew Alejandro was just struggling. He couldn’t bring himself to really blame Alejandro for it, even if he did feel slightly bitter.

It was petty, and they’d get over it, they always did.

Once at the training field, he watched the recruits run drills, amused at seeing Alvarez, herself, was overseeing them. She often did. Regardless of actual rank, most of them had no problem doing more menial tasks because they were close like that. Los Vaqueros was basically a family.

Most of the recruits complained about drills, but Rodolfo remembered a few of them as being fun. Since he was small, he’d always been the one sent into tight spaces to squeeze himself through and retrieve whatever they were meant to grab.

He was also usually the first one thrown up onto walls, similar to what the current recruits were actively doing. They were having to hoist each other up over high walls, all while going through a variety of simulated weather situations. Mud for rain, dried dirt pads, or even just straight water.

Though some of his team mates would overestimate his size, and he’d be practically chucked over the wall and landed in the mud pad below. It… hurt to get thrown, and washing mud out of his uniform had been… an inconvenient activity.

Okay, maybe that particular drill deserved being complained about. But, it was necessary.

Rodolfo found himself looking over the recruits, wondering which ones they would be left with. Which ones would be moved to “higher priority” areas, which ones would be killed, and which ones would be drawn to the power and money of the cartel.

It was grim and so Rodolfo tried not to get too attached to any of the recruits and at this rate, neither did their leaders. Rodolfo could see exhaustion in their eyes when they reported their losses.

Things needed to change.

Alejandro knew that. Rodolfo could see it in his eyes. They were constantly following each recruit, taking stock, counting, keeping track. Never allowing himself to be attached, but still mourning each loss as if he was, anyway.

“ Rodolfo, where are you? ”

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. “In the training field, sir. Am I needed?”

“ We’re running a mission. I need to brief you before we go. ”

Rodolfo sighed and closed his eyes. It would be nice to get any kind of notice that wasn’t twenty minutes before, but why would he expect anything different?

No, that wasn’t fair. Rodolfo shook his head, immediately feeling bad for the thought. “I’ll be right in, commander.”

And, after a moment, he did go inside, walking fast to make up for his moment of hesitation.

-

The mission had been a bust. It was an effort to shut down an operation center, but it had been cleared before they even got there. Rodolfo wouldn’t be surprised if they’d gotten tipped off, somehow.

So, now Rodolfo was sitting in his usual chair in Alejandro’s office, watching him pace and curse loudly. Some were rather creative, he had to admit, and some were just basically nonsense, whatever vulgar string of words Alejandro likely decided to throw together. Rodolfo knew better than to try to stop him, now. He would just nod and listen.

Alejandro, of course, swung his arms around as he cursed, though he kept them low, and gestured wildly. He emphasized each curse word with a motion of his arm, and Rodolfo had gotten the patterns of them down, almost perfectly.

Fuck was a jerk of his shoulders, as if he was shoving something down. However, fucking was a swipe of his arm. “I’m tired of dealing with this all the fucking time!” Alejandro, of course, performed such a swipe and sent a cup of pens half flying off of his desk.

So, Rodolfo shook his head and slid off the chair, picking up the pens and sighing softly. Alejandro tried to tell him not to bother, but Rodolfo just ignored him. He didn’t want Alejandro to end up tripping on them, or hell, trip on one himself, and it was barely a 30 second task. When he set the cup back on the table, he noticed an unstraightened stack of papers, and so he straightened them before slipping them into their manilla envelope to keep them tidy.

“This is just more paperwork, because that means there’s either a rat in the base, or they’re somehow listening.” Alejandro growled, and finally stopped in front of a window, staring out of it.

“I doubt they’re listening,” Rodolfo sighed as he settled back in his seat, watching him. “You’ve had successful busts.”

He received little more than a snort in response, so he continued. “I’ll file the paperwork for you. It won’t be so bad.”

However, Alejandro just shook his head and sat down in his chair, using his thumb to pick at his nails. Rodolfo instinctively reached over to stop him and Alejandro met his eyes. “Things need to change, Rudy. Las Almas cannot take more of this.”

Despite the topic, Rodolfo found himself relaxing involuntarily at his nickname. “I am sure they will. You will save Las Almas, you put your soul into fixing it.”

Alejandro just snorted, again, and shook his head, again. “I have started to lose hope.” He admitted, turning and looking out the window.

As he turned, Rodolfo’s eyes roamed over his face. Alejandro was only 27, like Rodolfo, but… he could see the crow’s feet forming at the corner of his eyes, and though Alejandro kept it neat, a light scruff of facial hair had become a permanent feature on his face. Even Alejandro’s eyes had dulled to a dark, empty brown.

When had Alejandro changed? When had he gone from his bright, hopeful, always energetic Alejandro to… this?

They had both changed, Rodolfo knew that. But the difference still shocked him. Alejandro had exchanged “bright” for dark, “hopeful” for desperate, “energetic” for aggressive. No longer did Alejandro work at problems, he beat at them.

Rodolfo, himself… before, he’d been considered soft, kind, persistent. But, Rodolfo would describe himself now as tired, quiet, and stubborn. There hadn’t been a day where the change had just happened, so… when? When had they actually changed? Had it been some flip or did they just darken over the last two years.

Sometimes, the fact that it had only been two years shocked Rodolfo more than the change, honestly. A lot could happen in two years.

Alejandro’s eyes had moved towards Rodolfo at some point during Rodolfo’s internal questioning. Rodolfo noticed when he finally came back to reality. He could recognize what was in them, too. He was up before Alejandro even had his hand raised to make a “come here” gesture, rounding his desk and leaning against it. “What do you need, commander?”

“I think you know.” Alejandro murmured, reaching for Rodolfo’s hand and gently peppering kisses over the skin. Rodolfo closed his eyes and then a moment later, Alejandro was pushing him up and onto the desk, his hands sliding up Rodolfo’s body to work his shirt off.

“Always, commander.” Rodolfo responded, once his shirt was off, and then Alejandro was pressing kisses to his shoulder, hands roaming Rodolfo’s back. Rodolfo shivered, softly, and closed his eyes, leaning his head to the side so Alejandro’s mouth could move up his neck and to the underside of his jaw.

Too soon, though, Alejandro was pulling away and moving over to the door, locking it with a soft click, and then he slid the curtain down over the small window in the door.

Everyone knew what they did in private, Rodolfo wasn’t even entirely sure why Alejandro bothered to hide it. Regardless, Alejandro was careful to close the blinds in front of the four windows that lined Alejandro’s office wall, which caused the room to darken a little.

“I doubt anyone is going to look into those windows,” Rodolfo frowned and leaned back on his hands, watching him, “I don’t know why you bother to cover them.” The windows may have faced the training field, but Alejandro’s desk couldn’t be seen from them.

“Precautions,” Alejandro shrugged, “It’s a small thing. I want to make sure.”

Make sure that no one sees you with me. Rodolfo filled in the rest of the sentence and tried to ignore the way that made his heart sting. Like the change, he couldn’t remember exactly when he’d started to love Alejandro. But… he couldn’t remember a time before it, either. Maybe it’d always been there.

His eyes remained on Alejandro, watching him unbutton his shoulder and then move back to Rodolfo. As he did, Rodolfo’s eyes drifted over Alejandro’s chest, taking stock of every scar, of the tattoos that scattered it. He could remember the day each one had been received, save for a tattoo that Alejandro had gotten when drunk of a fox baring its teeth.

Once Alejandro was back to Rodolfo, his hands started at Rodolfo’s knees before sliding up his thighs, digging his thumbs in slightly as he did so. Rodolfo leaned his head further back at the action, closing his eyes, and then gasping as Alejandro found his waist, using his belt loops to yank his hips closer to his own.

Rodolfo put his legs around Alejandro’s waist, leaning his head further back, and Alejandro’s mouth immediately found Rodolfo’s neck, biting and sucking, though Rodolfo could feel how careful he was not to leave marks. There would be no evidence of this in the morning.

No physical evidence.

Alejandro’s mouth found his pulse point and Rodolfo gasped, instinctively reaching up to grasp at Alejandro’s hair. “Ale-” He half whined, which made his face flame red.

“Shh,” Alejandro commanded, causing Rodolfo to quiet, immediately. He hated how easily his body just gave into everything Alejandro wanted. He had no power to resist, even if he wanted to.

Rodolfo yelped when Alejandro bit rather harshly at his collarbone, before sucking a deep mark into the skin. Right, no visibly physical evidence. Rodolfo closed his eyes and his legs tightened around Alejandro, pulling him closer, and he shivered when Alejandro’s fingers slipped into his waistband and slid around to his abdomen.

Every slight touch set his skin alight with soft flames, licking up his body. A hand followed them up Rodolfo’s side and round to his back, before his fingers slipped into Rodolfo’s hair and grasped firmly, pulling his head back. Rodolfo moved with the commanding motion, meeting Alejandro’s eyes.

He had to throw his hands back and catch himself as his hips were yanked further down the desk. Alejandro released his hair to reach down and then he was unbuttoning Rodolfo’s jeans, nudging his legs from his waist so he could pull them down, though he still, rather roughly, yanked them. Rodolfo was quick to lift his hips, unsure he wanted to be yanked on the floor like the last time Alejandro had just started to yank at his clothes.

Alejandro made a pleased sound and pulled away once Rodolfo was fully undressed, his boxers having come down with the jeans. Rodolfo watched him reach over and rummage through a drawer. Of course he kept lube and condoms in his drawer, it wasn’t like they ever did this in an actual bed or anything.

Alejandro, of course, found them easily and quickly had the corner of the condom wrapper between his teeth so he could pull off the plastic of the fresh bottle of lube. Rodolfo couldn’t stand that word, but lubricant was not any better. Alejandro ended up grunting in frustration, struggling with the foil that was sealed under the cap of the bottle.

“I thought you said you were getting one with a pump?” Rodolfo murmured, gently, as he grabbed a pen and took the bottle, puncturing the foil and then popping it off.

Rather than verbally respond, Alejandro just reached into the drawer and pulled out a plastic covered white pump, to which Rodolfo “ahhed” and then wiped the lube covered pen on Alejandro’s outstretched palm.

Rodolfo took the pump and stuck it in the bottle, twisting it on and then setting it beside his body. Alejandro set the condom down beside the bottle and then coated his fingers in more of the substance, before nudging Rodolfo’s legs apart.

Rodolfo obliged, not particularly wanting Alejandro to feel the need to shove his legs apart and get lube all over his thighs. The last time, it’d gotten all sticky, and Rodolfo hadn’t been able to shower for a bit, leaving a deeply unpleasant feeling on his skin.

Rodolfo ended up pulling up leg up onto the desk to give Alejandro a better vantage point, being rewarded with a kiss on his cheek and a softly purred “good boy” which made Rodolfo’s heart flutter. Rodolfo hated the way he just melted at the praise, wishing he could be more bitter to Alejandro.

“Ah, careful!” Rodolfo hissed and half glared at him as a finger was forced inside of him with no warning, causing Rodolfo to tense involuntarily at the pain.

Alejandro tsked, but didn’t continue to move just yet, instead returning to biting his shoulder. He sucked a deep mark as he pushed his finger deeper inside Rodolfo, catching him between please and pain.

Rodolfo shifted his weight to one arm and wrapped the other around Alejandro’s shoulders to hold onto him. He grasped onto the fabric that still rested on Alejandro’s shoulders and then carefully lifted his other arm, putting it around Alejandro’s shoulders as well.

Alejandro’s hand found his cock, stroking it in time with the motion of his finger, which greatly eased any pain. Rodolfo took deep breaths, as well, focusing on the pleasure rather than the pain.

Maybe too soon, Alejandro added another finger, but Rodolfo did his best not to protest and just ground his hips up into Alejandro’s hand, moaning softly. “So sweet…” Alejandro purred. “So pretty for me…” Rodolfo wasn’t entirely sure he could blush any darker at this point, but he could feel his body try.

He whined, softly, and leaned his head back as yet another finger was added, definitely too soon, and dug his nails into Alejandro’s shoulder. Alejandro had never been the most patient, but then again, neither was Rodolfo.

Alejandro eventually focused less on Rodolfo’s cock and turned to trying to get Rodolfo fully open and prepped. Alejandro wasn’t patient, but he was diligent, and he knew by then what Rodolfo’s body could take. Sometimes better than Rodolfo could.

It didn’t take too much longer until Alejandro was satisfied and then he was breaking away, making Rodolfo again have to catch himself on the desk, panting and trying not to whine at the loss of pleasure, instead focusing on watching Alejandro work his own jeans down to his mid thighs before coating his own cock in lube and meeting Rodolfo’s eyes.

Rodolfo quickly looked away, and his face was caught by Alejandro’s hand, forcing him to keep looking at him. Rodolfo swallowed at the action, but he kept watching Alejandro, trying to keep himself relaxed. When Alejandro was done, he leaned back and dropped his leg, spreading them again so Alejandro could fit.

Alejandro grabbed Rodolfo’s hips, smearing the excess lube on them, much to Rodolfo’s chagrin. Rodolfo grimaced at the feeling but Alejandro shook his head. “The reviews said it doesn’t get sticky.”

“What?” Rodolfo frowned, looking at Alejandro with surprise.

Alejandro just shrugged. “You complained last time. The reviews said it doesn’t get sticky and it also apparently lasts a lot longer.”

“Oh.” Rodolfo blinked, but he barely had a moment to process that, because then Alejandro was lining up and pushing in. Rodolfo cried out, bringing his hand up to slam into his own temple. “Fuck!” He cried. It was always a lot at first, but Alejandro had learned by now to just go in all at once and then stop.

Rodolfo panted from the pain, squeezing his eyes shut, and Alejandro reached up, stroking over his hair. “Shh…” He soothed. “It’s alright, I’ve got you…”

Rodolfo whimpered and leaned forward, putting his forehead on Alejandro’s shoulder. His nails dug into the desk, slightly, and he tried to calm and breathe again.

“Look at me, Rudy,” Alejandro gently commanded and Rodolfo shook his head, unable to open his eyes at the moment.

“Look at me.” Alejandro’s voice was more firm and his hand went back in Rodolfo’s hair, pulling his head back. Rodolfo opened his eyes, meeting Alejandro’s. Alejandro softened, a little, and leaned down, kissing his jaw carefully.

The action pushed him further inside and Rodolfo made a pained noise, digging his nails even deeper into the desk.

“You’re going to leave divots, one day,” Alejandro teased, his hand releasing his hair to instead take Rodolfo’s hand. His other arm went around Rodolfo’s waist, holding him up, and his thumb massaged over Rodolfo’s knuckles.

“Four fingers is not enough, you need to grow more or something.” Rodolfo used his free hand to rub over his own face, finally able to start to relax as his body adjusted. “You’re too big,” he half pouted, knowing Alejandro would take it as a compliment.

Indeed, Alejandro chuckled softly, and Rodolfo could hear the pride that was there. “Sorry, corazon,” Alejandro murmured, kissing over his fingers softly. Rodolfo closed his eyes again, trying not to attach himself to the nickname. He’d heard Alejandro use it on strangers at bars. It wasn’t special.

It never was.

Rodolfo tapped Alejandro when he was fully adjusted, causing Alejandro to put Rodolfo’s arm around his neck. Alejandro carefully grabbed his hips and started to move, pulling out before pushing back in. Gentle at first, like always, so Rodolfo focused on keeping a grip on Alejandro and moaning softly.

“Good boy… Just relax…” Alejandro murmured, making Rodolfo preen from the praise. Maybe that was what kept him doing this, the praise that he found himself almost desperately craving. Alejandro had always been quick to give it.

Eventually, Alejandro did get impatient, and his pace sped up. “Fuck, you’re so tight. You’ll make me lose my goddamn mind…” Alejandro growled, leaning down into his ear.

Rodolfo moaned, much louder this time, and dug his nails into Alejandro’s shoulder, barely able to think beyond praise and pleasure. Both items traveled up into his brain stem, blocking whatever part of the muscle was in charge of thought processes.

Alejandro leaned down and bit Rodolfo’s shoulder, harshly, causing Rodolfo to cry out. He tightened his grip on Rodolfo’s hips, starting to thrust in rather than move, changing his angle each time, clearly searching.

After a moment, he found what he was looking for, causing Rodolfo’s vision to fill with stars as he quickly slammed his own hand over his mouth to keep from screaming Alejandro’s name. Alejandro licked over the bite mark he had made and slowed a bit, keeping the angle and turning to slow, forceful thrusts.

Rodolfo cried into his hand which each thrust, his head falling back. Alejandro’s arm hooked under his knee and lifted his leg, using this to access the angle better. Rodolfo did wince from the stretch it caused, though it was practically thrown out of his head when Alejandro harshly thrusted into him, hitting the spot again.

Rodolfo’s other leg hooked around Alejandro’s waist, pulling Alejandro in, deeper. Thankfully, the motion alleviated the intense pleasure since he was no longer slamming deep into that spot, and Rodolfo felt like he could breathe again, moaning Alejandro’s name.

Alejandro growled, again, and grabbed his face, making Rodolfo look at him. “Say my name, again, tell me who’s fucking you.”

Shivers ran down Rodolfo’s spine at the possesion. “You are,” he gasped, his breath catching at a particularly harsh thrust, likely in punishment for the half defiance.

“My name, Rodolfo. Say it.” Alejandro commanded, tilting Rodolfo’s head back a little, though he maintained eye contact. His hand moved down to right under Rodolfo’s chin, grabbing his neck. His thrusts remained sharp, harsh, definitely in punishment.

“Alejandro!” Rodolfo conceded, digging his nails deeper into Alejandro’s shoulders, and pressing his neck into Alejandro’s hand.

“Good boy.” Alejandro released his neck and pushed papers off of his desk, and then shoved Rodolfo to lay down on it, causing Rodolfo’s back to hit the desk softly. Perks of being a Colonel, Alejandro had a large enough desk that all Alejandro had to do was slightly turn them and most of Rodolfo’s body was still on the desk.

However, Alejandro still yanked him down the desk so he was completely on it, and used the new angle to fuck deeper and deeper into him. Rodolfo’s eyes rolled back in his head as Alejandro grabbed his throat, again, holding it firmly.

Rodolfo’s arm flung over his face to block out the light, which was very suddenly too much all at once, and he cried out in time with Alejandro’s moan. There was intimacy in the synchronized noise, which filled Rodolfo’s chest with a sickly sweet feeling.

Alejandro pulled Rodolfo’s leg up and put it over his shoulder, his hand releasing his neck to instead move down to his cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts. The pleasure overwhelmed Rodolfo and he arched his back, crying out again.

Finally, his stomach started to tighten, and he gasped, tapping Alejandro’s arm to alert him. Alejandro barely grunted in acknowledgement, though his pace somehow sped up more. Rodolfo had always been curious if Alejandro worked out with the intention of increasing his stamina. He wouldn’t be shocked, Alejandro was the type.

Rodolfo moved his arm and bit into it as he came, screaming into his own skin. His back arched, painfully high, and he squeezed his eyes shut so hard it gave him a headache. Alejandro only fucked him through it, cumming inside him shorting after. When he slowed to a stop, Rodolfo relaxed back into the desk, panting.

“Fuck,” Alejandro winced as he grabbed something by Rodolfo’s head, before holding the condom over his face.

Rodolfo had to take a moment to make it out, his vision kind of blurry, but he just sighed and closed his eyes again. “I’ll get checked on Saturday.”

“No need, I’m clean.” Alejandro responded. Rodolfo made a concerted effort not to let the fact that Alejandro just knew Rodolfo didn’t sleep with anyone else to even question that sting. It was… obvious, he knew that.

Alejandro finally pulled out, slowly, and Rodolfo dug his nails into his side, gritting his teeth. He was overstimulated, so the feeling almost stung, and he was positive Alejandro did it on purpose. “Asshole.” He muttered, earning a chuckle in response.

The guilt started early. Why was Rodolfo letting Alejandro do this? He always felt like shit, afterwards. Guilty and used and… lonely. He felt about the same as their discarded clothes, convenient but thrown aside when no longer necessary.

Rodolfo lifted up to the best of his ability, already sore. Thankfully, Alejandro lifted him up the rest of the way, his arm sliding around Rodolfo’s waist to keep him up. Then, Rodolfo was passed a wipe from the same drawer the lube had came from. Rodolfo thanked him, quietly, and Alejandro just nodded, looking away so Rodolfo could clean himself up.

This was embarrassing, but Rodolfo needed Alejandro to keep him held up so he could stay steady or he’d fall back again. Alejandro was thankfully silent, moving to grab what little bit of their clothing he could reach, and then helping Rodolfo redress when Rodolfo was done.

At some point, Alejandro had already gotten his jeans back up, and so all he had to do was rebutton his own shirt. Rodolfo stood while Alejandro did that, or tried to since his legs were wobbly and numb. The first step was hell, but he’d been through worse, honestly.

“I have a meeting in the morning,” Alejandro sighed as he sat back down in his desk chair. “You’re not necessary, so I need you to run reports on the squads doing busts in the field, tomorrow. Metics, you know what to do.” Alejandro looked up at him.

Right back to business, it seemed. No acknowledgement of what they just did. Rodolfo nodded, since he did know what to do. “Yes, sir.” He crouched down to pick up the papers that were everywhere, wincing at the soreness in his legs. Fuck, after this he was going to shower and go to bed.

He stood once he had everything and flipped through them, organizing them into their respective piles on the desk, exactly how they’d all been before. He took note of the irony as he straightened the same manilla envelope as before, but just set it down, neatly on Alejandro’s desk.

Already, Alejandro was on his laptop. They had been switched from desktop computers the same year Alejandro had been promoted, the laptops being a bit more convenient to move around. Especially since they were small, and as such, could be grabbed and quickly connected to the displays in the briefing room.

Rodolfo took this as his sign to leave, as Alejandro was pretty much ignoring his presence, anyway. He hesitated at the door, once he reached it, and glanced back. “Goodnight, commander.” But, he left before he could hear a response, knowing he likely wouldn’t receive one.

He wasted no time in going back to his quarters, quickly getting into the shower to watch the stench of sex off of himself. He desperately scrubbed at his skin to attempt to wash off the icky sticky feeling that each of these… encounters left him with. He knew he’d need to say no, one day. But… they helped Alejandro.

Alejandro needed something to put his frustration into and Rodolfo could offer that. He could help Alejandro. He wanted to help Alejandro. That’s the only reason he did that. The only reason.

He wanted to help.

He did.

It wasn’t convincing. Rodolfo couldn’t even really lie to himself, let alone anyone else. The cold still seeped deep into his skin and left him shivering, despite the practically scalding shower water he preferred. He could feel every inch of skin that Alejandro had touched, could feel the trail of Alejandro’s palms up his back.

None of the touch felt like enough. He wanted more, he wanted Alejandro to look at him the way he did while they were fucking, but he wanted it outside of the bedroom.

Corazon. He wanted it to be special.

Rodolfo let out a soft sob, hugging his sides and sliding down the wall until he was sitting, too upset to care about the way his thighs protested the movement, shaking slightly. The pain crashed over him in waves, dragging him out before slamming him back onto the rocks. They told him he would never be enough for Alejandro. He would never be more than an outlet. More than a friend.

Rodolfo’s fist beat against the side of his thigh and he covered his mouth to stifle the sobs, unable to keep them quiet if he tried. He wanted to use them to block out the sound of the crashing waves, to push out his pain.

But it didn’t work, because the pain only increased with the volume of his sobs, until it was fully consuming him, and then yanking him under. Really, he never had a chance of resisting it.

-

The formatting is better on AO3 so I really do recommend reading it there. But here’s chapter 1!

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More? Chapter 10

Tis the season. Christmas vacation and Rodolfo finds himself starting to question everything about he and Alejandro's situationship. Can he be okay with just this forever? Was he ever okay with it to begin with?

--

All recent events taken into consideration, the few days between that evening and the start of their vacation time had been… Pleasant. Of course, nothing of particular note had occurred but Rodolfo took that as a benefit, rather than something to be disappointed about.

He’d had his fill of noteworthy occurrences, to be honest. All he’d really done was fill out paperwork, getting what needed to be done fully filled out and finished so Alvarez didn’t have to worry about any of it, and gotten their end of year work done.

Then, once everything was settled and they’d been assured everything would be fine until they got back, Rodolfo and Alejandro had taken the truck they use up to Alejandro’s ranch. Rodolfo had been very much looking forward to it.

The property, itself, was of moderate size. Enough that Alejandro had to hire someone to take care of it, but not enough that that task was more than upkeep. Most of it was just maintaining the field of wildflowers they had planted and keeping the walking trails,  which Alejandro had chosen the property for, clear and able to be walked on.

Even though it was colder and colder, Rodolfo still planned to take many jogs along those paths, excited for the time he would get to spend on the ranch.

The ranch house was also a decent size. Four bedrooms, a sitting room and a living room, a dining room that was separate from the large kitchen, though they were only separated by a massive kitchen island which had a sink built into it, and two bathrooms, one of which was a massive main bathroom attached to the massive main bedroom.

Rodolfo had helped Alejandro decorate it and Alejandro had chosen to convert two of the bedrooms into non bedrooms. Alejandro was always vocal about not wanting children, so this wouldn’t be a problem in the future. Rodolfo didn’t want them, either. He knew at some point, he’d have to stop comparing his future plans with Alejandro’s but… for now, he was going to keep doing it.

At one point, Rodolfo had considered the idea of adopting a daughter but… then he’d spent a day with a child that wasn’t his sibling and he just… he couldn’t do it. He didn’t have the patience at all. The poor thing had been abandoned at an operation center during a raid and… Alejandro and Rodolfo had ended up playing “pass the child” back and forth all day because neither had any sort of patience.

Alvarez had ended up taking care of the kid the whole next day before DIF had been called and even she had complained. Look, liking children was not a requirement of joining the MSF and it certainly wasn’t a requirement to be a Vaquero.

Come to think of it, Rodolfo didn’t really remember having much patience for his own siblings. He had five of them and save for Liliana, his older sister, he couldn’t remember getting along with the four younger ones. Of course, he and Liliana were only a year apart, actually only 10 months apart, where as Adrian, the one after him, was three years younger than him. And the twins were another two years after that, and then Maria was another two years after that.

He’d gotten along fine with Adrian but… the twins and Maria, he just couldn’t relate to. Even now, he couldn’t find himself relating to Maria, and she was 20 years old. Not that he’d really talked to her, much. Or wanted to. Liliana and Adrian occasionally reached out, but… unless he talked to the rest, they didn’t talk to him.

Rodolfo, you were musing about the house. Right. Anyway, Alejandro could convert those bedrooms into whatever he wanted, because he didn’t have to worry about them eventually needing to be used for childrens’ rooms. As such, one was actively being converted into a weight room, which… of course it was. The other was a fairly decent home office.

Complete with a fully decked out gaming system that even Rodolfo could appreciate, even if Rodolfo wasn’t really a big gamer. Really, Rodolfo wasn’t a big tech person. He found certain stuff cool, like the ipads they had just upgraded them to in the base, and the features on the Xbox One and Playstation 4 that Alejandro had were pretty cool but… he just didn’t get most of it.

Alejandro was the direct opposite. He’d ranted for a full hour about the new features of the Iphone X when they were announced (none of which Rodolfo remembered at all) and didn’t even ask Rodolfo before ordering their upgrades. Not that Rodolfo cared. Alejandro paid for their phone service since Rodolfo paid for most of their streaming services, so Alejandro could update it whenever for all he cared.

The guest bedroom which was more accurately Rodolfo’s bedroom if Alejandro would have his way had its own gaming system and a tv, which Alejandro had insisted on getting the newest of both for.

And the tv in the living room, which Rodolfo was actively using to try to find something to watch, was stupidly big and also brand fucking new. Alejandro had the money, that wasn’t a concern and if he didn’t, Rodolfo definitely did and would give it, but this felt excessive.

Rodolfo looked up when Alejandro came up, frowning when he saw he was dragging a giant box with a picture of a christmas tree and a giant tub into the house. “It’s a big tree,” he grunted as he kicked it across the living room and then pulled the tub over.

“You said that last year,” Rodolfo laughed, unfolding himself from the couch. Had he known Alejandro would be getting the tree, he would have went and helped him. Alejandro had a habit of just doing things without informing Rodolfo he would be doing them.

“Yeah, well you wanted a big one,” Alejandro straightened up and then cracked his back before sighing, stretching. “Do you want it in the same spot as last time?”

“Yeah.” Rodolfo nodded a little, pointing to beside the mantle, where it had set last time. It didn’t need to be in front of a window since no one would see it. Then, he went to the tub, which he assumed had all of the decorations. Really, they were just going to put up a tree. Lights made no sense since, again, no one would see them.

And, Alejandro didn’t need to be climbing a ladder to string them up and Rodolfo certainly didn’t want to. So, just a tree. Rodolfo just cared about the tree, anyway. He opened the tub as Alejandro got the actual tree out of the box, a big fat one that was 9 feet tall and only two pieces. It didn’t have that fake snow shit on it like Rodolfo had seen getting popular lately.

The texture of that stuff made him gag and it was a fucking mess to clean up. Thankfully, Alejandro had had the entire house refloored to be hardwood, so it would just need to be swept but Rodolfo would still rather not.

Rodolfo paused at seeing a white and gold gift box at the top of the pile, confused. He didn’t remember it, so he picked it up and opened it to see exactly what was in the box, being greeted with pictures, instant pictures to be exact. He remembered what they were before he even got a good look at the contents, his skin turning a dark shade of red.

He went back to the couch and sat down, picking up the first one. It was a picture of himself, Alejandro’s hand around his neck and pushing his head back as what could be seen of his expression left little to the imagination of what exactly they were doing.

God, they’d gotten so drunk that Christmas, he could perfectly remember the headache he’d gotten the morning after. Liliana had dug up Rodolfo’s old polaroid camera from when he was a kid and sent it to him as a surprise for Christmas. At some point, he remembered Alejandro had snatched it from him and taken pictures of them.

The first few had been innocent, but the alcohol had gotten to them and Alejandro had been showering Rodolfo with compliments and Rodolfo had been feeling kind of special and… well, the rest were not innocent.

Rodolfo shuffled through them, pausing as he noticed how tasteful most of them were. “You have a gift.” He joked, looking up at Alejandro, who was struggling with the lights on the tree. It came pre lighted, but it appeared one had went out. Which of course meant all had gone out.

“Wha- fuck!” Alejandro cursed, suddenly shaking his head. But, the tree’s lights suddenly blinked on and he just stood there and glared at it before sighing and coming over. “I have a gift?”

Rodolfo held up a polaroid of Alejandro licking a stripe up Rodolfo’s neck. It wasn’t even shaky, despite the fact that Alejandro hadn’t even been looking as he took it. “You kept them?”

Alejandro took it and then smiled, looking over it. “Yeah…” He then seemed to realize and looked over. “Oh! Not for any weird reason. Honestly, we’d just shoved them in a box and I guess when we were- no, when I was gathering up the decorations, you’d went back to base, remember? I guess I just shoved them in the tub and put it in the shed.”

Rodolfo frowned. Oh, yeah. He looked back down at the polaroid box. He’d went back to the base and avoided Alejandro the rest of their vacation. Had one of their biggest fights because of it. He dropped his shoulders, feeling bad again. “What should we do with them?” He looked up at Alejandro again.

Alejandro put the polaroid back in the box and shrugged. “Just set them aside for now, we’ll figure it out.” He took the box and tucked it under his arm. “Is the tree in a good spot?”

Rodolfo looked around Alejandro, smiling as he looked at the tree. “Yeah.” He stood and went back to the tub, getting out a box of ornaments. They were also white and gold, since Alejandro wasn’t that big on bright colored christmas decorations and Rodolfo was just glad to have a tree.

The tree itself was pre lit with warm white lights, which Rodolfo was sure he would not be able to pass by without a comment on how the lighting made him look pretty. One thing Alejandro was definitely not one to hold back on was compliments.

When Rodolfo opened the box, he made a frustrated noise at seeing that they were mostly smashed and he just shook his head. “Alejandro, be honest, did you just throw all of these in here and then just throw the box in the shed?” He looked over at Alejandro, who was turning on a christmas movie.

Alejandro winced, hard, and then looked sheepish, avoiding his eyes. “I may have been a little… irritated when I put everything away, I will admit to that.”

Rodolfo shook his head, amused, and turned back to the box. “We may have to run to the store.” He got out the unbroken ornaments and put them on the tree before sighing. “I finished that paperwork, by the way. The end of year reports? I figured Alvarez would not be able to handle a whole year’s worth of paperwork while having to run everything else. So, I just did it. The only report she will have to do is December’s and then input December’s stats into everything else.”

“Awesome.” Alejandro nodded and smiled. “I think Alvarez will appreciate that. She seemed stressed when we were leaving. Plus, it’ll have that Rudy precision to it.”

“Stressed is her permanent state of being.” Rodolfo mumbled and then paused. “Rudy precision?” He turned and looked at Alejandro.

Alejandro looked over from where he was still messing with the tree. “Yeah, you have to keep everything perfectly straight or you lose your mind.”

Rodolfo blinked and then shook his head. “No I don’t.” He mumbled, getting another box of ornaments out. These ones were, thankfully, not busted.

“Rodolfo, if a paper is even slightly out of place on my desk, you straighten it.” Alejandro sighed and finally put the remote down, coming over. “I bet I could use a ruler to measure the spaces between those ornaments and they would be evenly spaced, down to a millimeter.”

Rodolfo furrowed his brows, looking down at the ornaments in his hands. “Is it a bad thing?”

“No, of course not. Keeps us organized.” Alejandro shrugged and then he was touching Rodolfo’s arm. “Rudy, look at me.”

Rodolfo hesitated but looked up at him, biting the inside of his lip.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Alejandro repeated. Rodolfo wasn’t sure he believed him. Why point it out? No one ever pointed out things like that unless they were insulting him, somehow. He looked down at the ornaments in his hands again. “It’s not.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Rodolfo nodded, though there was no confidence behind his words.

“Rodolfo…” Alejandro sighed. “Fuck this.” Rodolfo flinched as he dropped what was in his hands in the tub and left.

Immediately, Rodolfo’s mind began to spiral. He couldn’t even focus on one thought, but he just knew that he’d done something wrong and now Alejandro was mad at him. He couldn’t do things right for five minutes without fucking everything up. He was a fuck up.

He sat down on the floor and stared at the ornaments in his hands. They looked like snowflakes made out of pure ice, though it was cheap acrylic. He’d been so excited when he saw them the year before and Alejandro had laughed and told Rodolfo that he was sweet.

Stupid. Can’t do anything right. He hit his head with his hand, trying to keep himself from crying. He’d just wanted a good Christmas and it was the first day and already they were close to having a fight and it was his own stupid fucking fault. God, no wonder Alejandro didn’t love him, Rodolfo didn’t exactly make it easy!

Stupid fucking Rodolfo making everything so much harder. Alejandro was probably sick of dealing with him and his stupid insecurities, and Rodolfo was, too. He wished he could be confident, like Alejandro, but he was insecure and so unbelievably fucking stupid-

“Woah, woah, calm down…” Rodolfo’s hands were stopped before he could hit his head and he looked up, panicked, before he was met with soft eyes staring into his own. “Calm down, Rudy…” Alejandro murmured and Rodolfo stared into Alejandro’s eyes before slowly relaxing.

He lunged forward and hugged Alejandro, tightly. “I’m sorry…”

“You don’t have to be, mi Luna, I promise.” Alejandro murmured, sitting on the floor with him. “I got frustrated, I didn’t want to have a fight so I just left for a moment.”

“I didn’t mean to start a fight-”

“I know, that’s why I left, okay?” Alejandro pulled away and cupped Rodolfo’s face between his hands. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Rodolfo’s eyes looked over Alejandro’s face, looking for some sort of tell that he was lying or secretly frustrated, but he was only met with sincerity. “Take deep breaths with me, okay?” Alejandro murmured and Rodolfo hesitated before nodding, breathing in and out with Alejandro. “There we go…” Alejandro smiled. “Talk to me, Rudy. Why did this get to you so hard?”

Rodolfo paused and then his shoulders dropped. “I don’t… I don’t mean to be so obnoxious with how I straighten everything I just… Like a month ago, with the pen cup, I just… I worried that if they didn’t get picked up, you’d trip on one and I didn’t want you to bash your head open on the desk. With the papers, I know you’re dealing with so much that… I don’t know, unstraightened papers makes me stressed out, so I thought I could alleviate that for you… The tree is just because I like them to be even and I notice when they’re not.” He admitted the last part, quietly, embarrassed.

Alejandro frowned and furrowed his brows. “You think about me a lot…”

“Morning, noon, and night.” Rodolfo shrugged, slightly, and looked down. “You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I?”

Alejandro then smiled. “That’s fair. I think about you constantly. Even when I probably shouldn’t be.” He let go of Rodolfo’s face and then sighed, moving Rodolfo’s legs so, while his ass remained on the floor, each leg was on either side of his body. “I knew you probably lied on your psych eval to get in.”

Rodolfo winced, since he in fact had. He looked down, hoping Alejandro wouldn’t ask the question he thought he was about to. He’d hidden it for several years, the idea of suddenly having it out there felt… scary.

“What was the diagnosis?”

“Autism.” Rodolfo sighed, not even bothering to lie. He cringed, waiting for the change from Alejandro.

“I figured.” Alejandro nodded. “That’s okay. And… I get why you lied.” He took Rodolfo’s hands and rubbed his thumbs over the knuckles. “Bipolar.”

“What?” Rodolfo stared at him, surprised.

“Bipolar. Bipolar 2 to be exact. My mom had it so I went and got assessed, privately. I also lied on my own psych eval.” Alejandro chuckled. “You know, they make those questions fairly easy to lie through.”

Rodolfo snorted, since Alejandro wasn’t wrong. They made it fairly obvious what the right answer was. “Bipolar… makes a lot of sense.”

Alejandro shrugged. He brought both of Rodolfo’s hands to his mouth and kissed the knuckles, softly. “Everything is okay, Rudy. You’re okay. I’m okay. I’m not mad at you.”

A few things started to click in Rodolfo’s brain. The plain language Alejandro had started to use, the lube that was meant to not have a sticky texture… He looked up at Alejandro and just melted. “Okay… Everything is okay…”

Everything was better than okay. Alejandro was seeing him and Rodolfo was starting to realize just how much. Alejandro cupped his face again and Rodolfo nuzzled into the touch, closing his eyes.

Everything was okay.

Everything was not okay. Rodolfo glared across the bar that Alejandro had suggested they go to at a woman who had come up to Alejandro and was now actively flirting with him. Alejandro had gone up to the bar to get them both drinks and so of course someone had came up to flirt with him. And, of course Alejandro was flirting back.

Rodolfo couldn’t make out what either of them were saying as both were faced away from him and… well, he couldn’t read lips that well on a good day. He was working on getting better at it, since it was a good skill to have, but he was not there yet. But, he could tell from their body language what was going on.

Alejandro said something that was just oh so funny and she laughed, throwing her head back. Of course, then she had to lean forward and she trailed her fingers down Alejandro’s arm and Alejandro looked at her, half grinning slightly. He inclined his head as he said something and Rodolfo decided to just look away, not wanting to torture himself more.

“Great,” He mumbled and put his chin in his hand, his elbow on the table. It was the day before Christmas eve and they’d decided to get drinks since a few bars had Christmas specials. Well, okay, Alejandro planned to get drinks and Rodolfo would have maybe a drink so he could drive.

He’d figured that nothing could really go wrong. Famous last words. He rolled his eyes and focused his eyes out the window, watching people walk by the window of the bar. A couple was the first to stroll by. The man had his arm around the woman and the woman was leaned into him as they walked.

Envy pricked Rodolfo’s heart. Maybe, if he’d been born a woman, Alejandro may love him, easier. Alejandro had always been open about being bisexual, but Rodolfo wasn’t stupid. He’d seen a few of Alejandro’s hookups and they’d all been women. He was catholic, after all.

I don’t think God will mind so much.

I hope so.

That was Alejandro basically confirming that if Rodolfo was a woman, Alejandro would have found it easier. Maybe they’d have even gotten together in their teens. Rodolfo had had this… envy since he was a child. His mother had wanted all girls.

She’d given up on Adrian, but Rodolfo had felt the pressure when he was a little kid. A few nights, he’d even asked the universe why he hadn’t been born a girl, so he could make his mom happy. It seemed only natural that when he’d found love for a man, he’d hate the universe for not making it easier.

“Hey, here.” Rodolfo looked up, seeing Alejandro who was holding out the drink Rodolfo had asked for. Some kind of weird angel themed drink that had looked fairly decent.

Rodolfo took it and thanked him, quietly. He sipped it and decided it tasted good. Fairly sweet, but definitely mostly alcohol. “Are you going to go back to the lady at the bar?” He asked, unable to help glaring at the table.

Alejandro just snorted, though. “No. She had a wedding ring.” He sighed as he sat down. “Besides, why would I need to? I’m with you.” He nudged Rodolfo.

Rodolfo snorted back and stirred the drink, mixing the whipped cream that had come on top of it into the drink.

“Can we please not do this, tonight?” Alejandro sighed.

Rodolfo rolled his eyes. “Do what?” He put his hand down on the table.

“Rodolfo, please. Remember what we talked about?” Alejandro’s tone was pleading. “I’m not going to ditch you. Please, for once, can you take what I say at face value?”

Rodolfo winced, staying looking down at his drink. “I do believe you, I just- I don’t know. Yeah, alright. I’ll… accept what you’re saying.”

“Thank you. Now, come on. We’re having fun.” Alejandro nudged him, again. “I snagged these little conversation cards from the bar. I thought you’d find them interesting.”

Rodolfo nodded, attempting to perk up a little. Alejandro was right, they were having fun. He deserved more than Rodolfo immediately writing him off. “What do you do with them?”

“You pull one and answer the question on it. Like, here,” Alejandro pulled out a card. “What’s your biggest fear?”

“Going back to being just friends.” Rodolfo blurted it before he could even stop himself. He turned a dark red and looked back at the table again, worried he’d exposed too much.

Alejandro was quiet for a moment. “Oh, Rudy…” He finally said. “I have no plans of doing that, I promise.”

Rodolfo blushed darker and glanced up at him, met with a soft expression. He quickly looked away and then pushed his palms down his jeans, shaking his head. “What’s yours?”

“Oh, uh…” Alejandro seemed to pause. Rodolfo looked up, seeing his eyes had gone distant. “Well, you were honest, so I guess I will be. When you got taken on that mission… I spent a fair amount of time thinking you were dead. So… that. I never want to go through that again.”

Rodolfo stared at Alejandro in surprise before softening. “I’m… I’m sorry…” No wonder Alejandro had been freaking out so bad… “I…” He wasn’t sure what to really say.

“Haha, anyway,” Alejandro laughed, nervously, and shook his head. “The next one… three bad habits?”

“Can we skip that one?” Rodolfo joked. “I don’t think either of us are ready to explore that one…” He was just reeling from the last answer, he wasn’t sure he was ready for that, yet.

“Fair.” Alejandro chuckled and pulled another card. “What’s your favorite sport?” Alejandro tilted his head.

“Ah, it’s cliche, but soccer. I used to play, remember?” Rodolfo nodded. “Though not for very long.”

“Year six, right? You were… not great.” Alejandro winced, teasing a little. “You kept getting hit in the chest so hard with the ball that you’d fall over.”

“Yeah…” Rodolfo winced, but laughed and rubbed his chest a little, remembering how bad it used to hurt. “My dad took me out when I almost fractured my rib plate. I had a lot of fun, though. I’d do it again, honestly. What about yours?”

Alejandro frowned and considered. “Hmm, I have no idea. Actually, I think racing is interesting. I’d honestly love to just get in a car one day and just… go fast.”

“Las Almas does not have the road structure for that.” Rodolfo laughed a little. “Especially not with your driving ability.”

“Yeah yeah, drive bad.” Alejandro shook his head, but he was laughing with Rodolfo. Rodolfo had always loved the way Alejandro laughed. Big and bold… attention grabbing. You certainly noticed when he laughed. Or… Rodolfo always did.

“You know,” Alejandro started, pulling Rodolfo from his thoughts. “I’m curious. Ignoring any deep ones, what’s your biggest… irrational fear?”

Rodolfo frowned and considered. Honestly, after joining the military, he couldn’t think of any. No, yes he could. “Sometimes, someone says something in too neutral of a tone and I get worried they’re secretly a doppelganger.”

“Doppelganger?” Alejandro raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I haven’t had that fear in a while.” Rodolfo shrugged. “You and Alvarez are the main two people I speak to and Alvarez… well, she says the funniest things that it’d be hard to just mimic and you’re too expressive. I think I’d pick up on it pretty quick.”

Alejandro chuckled. “Ah. What about the window thing?”

Rodolfo stopped. “You remember that??” He blinked, surprised.

Alejandro blushed and then ducked his head, shrugging. “I remember getting curtains so you’d not be freaked out when you stayed over.”

Rodolfo stared at him and then he was just melting again. “I… I didn’t expect you to remember that… No, it’s better now. Sometimes, if I’ve had a particularly rough night, but… for the most part, I’m able to handle it.”

Alejandro nodded, slightly. “That’s good… I used to get so worried about it.” He murmured and then furrowed his brows.

Rodolfo blushed and looked down at the table. “What about you? What’s your irrational fear?”

Alejandro seemed to consider. “Spiders. They can die in hell.”

Rodolfo laughed, since he’d been kind of expecting that. Alejandro had never been a big fan of spiders at all. “I’m not surprised…” He shook his head. “What’s the next question?”

“Oh, um…” Alejandro pulled it out. “This one says to come up with a nickname for me.” Rodolfo raised an eyebrow so Alejandro showed him the card, which said ‘ if you had to nickname me, what would it be?’

Rodolfo frowned a little. “I’m guessing Commander doesn’t count?”

“No, that is a term of respect.” Alejandro shook his head before setting the cards down and leaning forward, slightly.

“Not when I use it.” Rodolfo joked, teasing slightly. Alejandro just rolled his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. “Um… I mean, I know I don’t use it often, but Ale?”

“Come on, Rudy, you can be creative.” Alejandro huffed and shook his head.

“I mean, mi Sol?” Rodolfo tried, not very creative with nicknames.

Alejandro shook his head. “Something new?”

Rodolfo huffed at him and furrowed his brows. He didn’t want to get too sappy with it. Something casual. Platonic. “I don’t think you’d appreciate hearing Papi,” he teased, flushing at the way Alejandro’s eyes darkened. He quickly backtracked, stuttering a little. “Anyway, u-um…” He ran a hand through his hair, only getting more flustered as Alejandro leaned forward.

“I don’t think I mind as much as you think, but it would get rather inconvenient.” He chuckled, his voice dropping low.

Rodolfo cleared his throat. He knew his face was bright red, and he quickly looked up at the ceiling. “Viejo.” He suddenly said, doing his best to get the upper hand and looking at Alejandro again.

Alejandro blinked, surprised, and then laughed softly, leaning back in his seat. “We are the same age.”

Rodolfo just shrugged. “Yeah, so? I look younger than you. I’m sure most would guess at least 3 years between us.”

“Sadly, you may be right,” Alejandro sighed and then chuckled. “Doesn’t help that you wear that hoodie everywhere.” He reached and flicked Rodolfo’s sleeve slightly.

Rodolfo didn’t feel bad for that one. It was comfortable and loose enough for a second layer when it got cold enough, while also being airy enough he could wear it in the summer. It was perfect. “What about you? Anything more creative than Rudy?”

“Hmm, I like mi Luna.” Alejandro shrugged. “But, I did ask you for something new so… Hmm… I like príncipe.”

“No.” Rodolfo immediately shook his head and Alejandro laughed loudly. “Pick a different one.”

“Princessa?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Aw, you’re no fun.” Alejandro laughed again.

Rodolfo shook his head. “I think I’ll just stick to Rudy.” He huffed, though he wasn’t too upset. He knew Alejandro was only teasing. Okay, maybe he liked principe a little, but he was not going down that road. Also, he was 27 years old, he’d like something a little grown up. “I don’t regret calling you viejo, now.”

Alejandro laughed harder and his head leaned back, causing Rodolfo’s heart to squeeze. Alejandro was so… beautiful. So utterly, despairingly beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful. Rodolfo’s mind went back to the woman from earlier, how… he’d looked at her. He’d never looked at Rodolfo like that.

Alejandro finally stopped laughing and he sighed, leaning back again. “The rest of the cards are mundane, uninteresting.” He nudged them over and Rodolfo flipped through them, unable to help agreeing.

“Wait, wait,” Rodolfo paused on one. “If you could have any superpower in the world, what would you have?”

Alejandro blinked and then furrowed his brows. “Hmm… Anything to do with fire would be pretty cool. Or superstrength.”

Rodolfo accepted that. “Shapeshifting, honestly. Could be whatever I want.” Could be whatever you want, too. Maybe I’d be something you actually want.

Alejandro smiled. “What would you shift into first?”

“Something that could fly…” Rodolfo smiled. “See what it feels like.”

“You’d come back, right?” Alejandro frowned. “You wouldn’t… fly away forever, would you?”

Rodolfo frowned in response. “No, Ale… of course not…”

Alejandro relaxed and then he was reaching across the table and taking Rodolfo’s hand. “Good. I told you, I don’t know what I’d do without mi Luna…”

Rodolfo stared down at their hands and then melted, nodding. “I know… I’d come back, I promise…” He looked up at Alejandro.

“Thank you, mi Luna…” Alejandro brought Rodolfo’s knuckles up to his mouth and Rodolfo blushed dark red, looking away.

A moment later, Alejandro stood. “I’m going to get another drink, do you want one?”

Rodolfo hesitated before shaking his head. “No, I’m going to stick with this one. Since I’m driving.” He nudged his glass, which was still mostly full.

Alejandro nodded. “I’ll be right back.” Then, he went up to the bar. Rodolfo watched as the woman from before came back up to him and Rodolfo tensed. Alejandro looked at her and smiled before he nudged his head in Rodolfo’s direction.

Rodolfo frowned, surprised, and ducked his head when they both looked at him before she seemed to make an “ah” face and then waved at him before walking back off. He stared at them in shock. Did Alejandro just… blow her off because he was with Rodolfo??

Rodolfo’s heart swelled so big it hurt and the world became rosy pink tinted. Alejandro had chosen him…

Alejandro came back over so Rodolfo smiled at him. “Did you get the same drink or a different one?” He asked, curious. It looked different, the previous one had been green and this one looked red.

“Different.” Alejandro nodded. “I honestly don’t know what it is, but I said to surprise me and make it Christmas themed.” He shrugged and then sipped it. “It’s fairly good. Not sure I’d order it again, but I don’t hate it.”

“That’s good.” Rodolfo nodded and then relaxed, settling in.

Alejandro ended up drinking a lot. Rodolfo should have seen that coming… Alejandro tended to drink until he stopped and Rodolfo hadn’t stopped him. He should have, god he was a shit friend. Alejandro had always had problems with alcohol and it was Rodolfo’s job to stop him.

Rodolfo got up. “Come on, Ale, let’s go home…” He gently suggested, helping him stand.

“It’s not your home, you won’t let it be.” Alejandro muttered and Rodolfo frowned, surprised. But, Alejandro didn’t say anything else, so Rodolfo just nodded.

“Let’s go to your home…” He corrected. “Stay here so I can go get your ID.”

“Yessir.” Alejandro nodded, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

Rodolfo sighed, softly, and went up to the bar, closing out Alejandro’s tab and getting his ID back. Then, he went back over to Alejandro. “Give me your wallet so I can put your ID in it.” He told him, taking the wallet when it was offered.

Then, Alejandro pouted. “Can we go home now, Rudy?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re going.” Rodolfo nodded, opening the wallet. He paused when his eyes landed on a picture of Valeria, Rodolfo, and Alejandro, sitting in a booth at Suenos. Valeria was smiling brighter than he’d ever seen her smile, honestly, but then he looked closer and… he could tell just by looking that Alejandro and Valeria were both drunk in that picture.

Valeria’s cheeks were bright red, her eyes too wide. Alejandro’s eyes were drooping and he had his right shoulder slumped forward, slightly. But when Rodolfo looked at himself? He was completely sober. Even then, his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Rodolfo just shook his head and peeled the pocket apart so he could slip the ID in it, again pausing at a picture. This one was a polaroid. One of… Alejandro licking a stripe up Rodolfo’s neck.

“Rudy, I want to go home!” Alejandro suddenly complained, startling Rodolfo. Rodolfo quickly shook his head and stuck the ID in the wallet, handing it back to Alejandro before tugging him out of the bar.

He got him out to the truck and helped him up into the truck before quickly going around, not wanting Alejandro to complain anymore. He understood, though, since he had many times he’d wanted to go home and Alejandro had taken forever. “I feel like shit…” Alejandro groaned as Rodolfo got in, slumped against the door.

“You drank a lot,” Rodolfo nodded. “We’ll be back, soon, I promise.”

“Why do I always fuck up?”

Rodolfo paused while putting the key in the ignition and looked over at Alejandro. “You don’t always fuck up… Where is this coming from?”

“I just… I don’t know what do with you…” Alejandro mumbled and then he was lifting to turn and look at Rodolfo.

A harsh pang stabbed right into Rodolfo’s heart and he shook his head. “I don’t know what to do, either, Alejandro. Trust me. Just let me start driving.” Rodolfo finally turned the key and started to drive, taking deep breaths.

Alejandro didn’t give him long, though. “I wish my Rudy looked at me but you never do! You never just look at me!”

“Alejandro, I can’t, I’m driving!” Rodolfo shook his head, trying hard to just focus on the road. “I will look at you when we get back, I promise-”

“You know that’s not what I fucking mean, Rudy!” Alejandro snapped and then he was crying and Rodolfo didn’t have any idea what to do. “I’m sorry… I’m trying not to get so mad, because I know it hurts you, but I just- I don’t know what to do!” He slammed his hands on the dash, making Rodolfo flinch. “What do I have to do?!”

“I don’t know, Alejandro!” Rodolfo yelled, frustrated. “Just calm down and let’s talk about this when we get back!”

“No, because we won’t! We never do unless I force you to talk to me and then you act like I’ve- Like-” Alejandro broke into sobs and Rodolfo panicked, not having any idea how to handle this. “I’m a monster…”

“No, no you’re not a monster.” Rodolfo quickly said, shaking his head. “Just… please, mi Sol,” he tried the nickname, praying it would have the same effect mi Luna had on Rodolfo, “let me get us back and then we will deal with it then, okay?”

Alejandro seemed to soften and then he was nodding, taking Rodolfo’s hand from the steering wheel and causing him to have to quickly readjust in order to keep driving. “Okay, mi Luna…”

Rodolfo relaxed when Alejandro went silent, focusing on driving. When they got to the ranch, he wasted no time in getting out and rushing around to help Alejandro get out as well. Alejandro had a bit of a struggle with his keys, seeming to think they were higher priority than getting out of the truck, but then he was half falling out.

Rodolfo grunted as he caught him, but he had no issue. Thanks to training, he could drag Alejandro pretty decent distances, so catching him falling out of a truck was no problem.

Rodolfo guided Alejandro up to the door before gasping as he was pushed into it, his back hitting the door lightly. Alejandro nuzzled his neck and blew air across it. “I need you, Rudy.”

Rodolfo closed his eyes, shivering slightly, before shaking his head. “You need to sleep.” He mumbled, not willing to cross this line. Alejandro was drunk, Rodolfo was sober. It was wrong. He reached behind himself and stuck the key in the door as Alejandro just whined before shoving the door open, yelping as he fell backwards.

Alejandro was quick to catch him, but he didn’t even seem fazed, just moving so he picked Rodolfo up and moving to the couch before pressing Rodolfo into it, kissing his neck. “Okay, I want you.”

“You want to sleep,” Rodolfo corrected, closing his eyes again. Funnily enough, for once? He wasn’t even tempted. Alejandro was drunk and Rodolfo wasn’t a fucking rapist.

Alejandro shook his head, running his nose up and down Rodolfo’s neck. “No.”

Rodolfo sighed and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before putting his hands on Alejandro’s chest and firmly pushing. “No.” He said, making his voice hard.

Alejandro paused and then backed up, staring at Rodolfo. He seemed unsure how to deal with this and Rodolfo felt kind of bad for it. Huh, kind of ironic that this would be the first time Rodolfo says no. “Look, you’re drunk. Okay?”

“I feel fine.” Alejandro shrugged, relaxing. “I feel completely sober.”

“What’s 64 plus 37?” Rodolfo deadpanned, crossing his arms.

Alejandro scrunched up his face and then started to think, staring at the ceiling. “That’s not fair, I can’t do math even when I’m not drunk.”

“So you admit you’re drunk?” Rodolfo chuckled, amused.

“No- You’re an asshole.” Alejandro huffed. “I’m fine. I’m… you have the power here… maybe… maybe you won’t avoid me this time.”

Rodolfo frowned and then shook his head. He went to Alejandro and cupped his face. “Alejandro, I can promise you that I will feel ten times worse if I do this. So, no. Let’s see how you feel in the morning. For now, come on, let’s go to bed.”

That seemed to placate Alejandro and he relaxed, nuzzling into Rodolfo’s hand. “Okay, mi Luna…”

Rodolfo smiled and then gently guided him to the bedroom, helping him tug off his jacket, then looking away when Alejandro started to undress, being polite. “Do you need anything else?”

“Yes.” Alejandro nodded, turning to face Rodolfo. Rodolfo looked over Alejandro’s chest, reaching up to trace a few words that went across his left peck. ‘ I am the choices I make for myself. ’ Rodolfo had been there when he got it. “Please stay with me…”

Rodolfo frowned when Alejandro caught his wrist and he looked up. Alejandro’s eyes looked so earnest, pleading with him. He hesitated. “Alright, I will… Just let me go change, okay?”

Alejandro relaxed and then grinned. “Thank you.” He leaned down and kissed Rodolfo’s cheek before turning and climbing into the bed and climbing in.

Rodolfo left, quickly going to the guest room and changing to his night clothes, which were just a sweat shirt and a tee shirt. Then, he made his way back to Alejandro’s room, going to the bed.

Alejandro wasted no time to lift the blanket, smiling up at him, so Rodolfo climbed into the bed and curled up. He kept a polite distance, before starting to curl up.

However, Alejandro made a frustrated noise and practically yanked Rodolfo closer, burying his face in Rodolfo’s chest. “You drive me insane.” He muttered, shaking his head.

Rodolfo chuckled, again. “My bad, I was trying to be polite.”

“Don’t be.”

Rodolfo shook his head and relaxed, gently petting Alejandro’s hair and feeling him relax. “Sleep, mi Sol…”

“Goodnight, mi Luna.”

--

Something about being sad at Christmas hits different, IDK

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More Chapter 3

A mission brings up an old friend, one that Rodolfo wishes would stay gone. Alejandro makes a plea for Rodolfo to start taking care of himself more and Rodolfo is starting to not know what to do with himself. He wants to be more, so much more. But maybe more is frightening.

--

Rodolfo had given up on sleeping about an hour after he finished crying. When he did finally give up, he’d just gotten up and washed his face, managing to resist the urge to shower again. Barely, though, because crying had just made him feel gross and sticky again. 

He had taken one just hours before, though, and he knew it just wasn’t a good idea. Wasting water or whatever. Plus, Alejandro knew he had taken one the night before. He’d told him he was going to as soon as they’d made it back to base. Yeah, he could lie and say he ended up taking one that morning instead but… that was extremely unlike Rodolfo.

Why is it any of Alejandro’s business? Because Rodolfo only showered twice over the course of twenty four hours if he was really upset. Which, yes he was. But, he didn’t want Alejandro to know that. So, instead, he would just wash his face and hope that satiated the problem. He knew it wouldn’t, but he could ignore the problem until that night when he could shower again. 

He’d likely feel the need to shower after the mission, regardless, so two birds, one stone. 

When he saw that it was 5:00, he wiped his face, and went to the small kitchen area in his quarters. He was still completely exhausted, he’d really like to sleep. But, he couldn’t sleep, and going to sleep for maybe two hours at this rate would only make him feel even worse when he did wake up. So, no sleep it was. 

Hopefully, he’d be so exhausted that night that he’d just collapse in bed and pass the fuck out. That would be most desired to him, honestly. 

Rodolfo turned to the coffee maker and turned it on, watching the coffee drip. Why would he need an apartment? He had everything he needed, here. He had a decent kitchen, even if it was small, and a small couch to rest on. He didn’t need anything else. 

All in all, it was pretty nice, too. Nice wallpaper, decent bed set that he had stuck on the bed, some decorations to make it feel more like home… What else did he need? Fuck, what would he even do with an apartment?

Lay around and cry. Well he already did that, there, so an apartment really just wasn’t necessary, it seemed. 

Once it hit 6:00, he sighed and dressed himself, wearing the same jeans, t shirt, and hoodie he wore. Well, okay, the shirt was a different shirt and the jeans were a clean pair, but the hoodie was the same. It was comfortable, okay?

Then, he tugged his vest and radio on. He was supposed to leave them in the locker rooms but… he wasn’t comfortable gearing up around everyone else. It felt like changing, honestly. Maybe he took advantage of his position to not have to, but he didn’t feel bad for it. He was a private man, years of sharing a bunk or showering with others hadn’t changed that. As soon as he’d gotten the opportunity, he’d gladly gone back to being just as private. That would likely never change. 

When he was suitably geared up, he made his way to the briefing room, despite knowing he’d likely be early. He wanted to check some things on the tablets they had, anyway. Logs, reports, stuff like that. 

As he walked, his body reminded him just how exhausted he was. His eyes were heavy and there was this dull empty-ness filling every inch of his body. He wasn’t that concerned about it, he’d run more intense missions on even less sleep, somehow. 

He did drink the coffee he’d brewed and stuck in a pack of disposable coffee cups he’d snagged from the kitchen on the way, though. It helped none, but he kept drinking if not for just liking the taste of it. Alejandro had gotten it for him, since neither liked the cheap crappy coffee they kept in the mess hall. 

Another part of his position he would gladly take advantage of, as did literally anyone else who had it. 

Once at the briefing room, he slipped into his seat behind Alejandro, who was at a table, looking over schemes. “Hey,” Alejandro murmured as Rodolfo slipped in, glancing up briefly. Rodolfo nodded in response and then reached over, grabbing a tablet from the table. 

He used his log-in to get in, going through his emails first. Nothing interesting, just mass emails that he could honestly ignore since Alejandro religiously went through his own. There was a reminder that he would need to take his vacation time, soon, and… he’d worry about that later. 

Oh, Jiminez, one of their majors, had emailed him about a couple recruits. Oh no. Rodolfo reluctantly opened it, worried. But, it ended up just being a request for creative punishment, for a tricky problem he was having. Rodolfo starred it, deciding to try to answer it later. 

His CO had made them write essays if they were being particularly problematic. Seriously, actual essays. They had a word count and everything. Rodolfo had actually loved them and his CO had given him a few as less of a punishment and more of an activity. 

As such, he’d picked up an affinity for creative punishments. 

“It’ll be cut and dry. They’re not expecting us.” Alejandro finally told Rodolfo, turning to him and leaning back against the table. “You and I will lead in through the front with our team and the rest will go in the back.”

Rodolfo frowned. “Shouldn’t we split up?”

“One, and risk our Vaqueros thinking one of us has had a stroke?” Alejandro laughed, though it was clearly more out of shock than amusement. “Two, no. Why would we need to do that?”

Honestly? Rodolfo wasn’t even sure why he’d asked. Alejandro was right, Rodolfo and Alejandro usually did everything together. They rarely split up, hell it was just known they were better together. Alejandro’s preference to be on the offense perfectly complemented Rodolfo’s need to be on the defense. 

Alejandro would strike first and Rodolfo would back him up. Alejandro started fights and Rodolfo finished them. Everyone knew this. 

“I don’t know..” Rodolfo conceded. “I don’t know where my mind was.”

Alejandro frowned and came over to him, touching his chin and lifting his face up. “Did you sleep at all last night?”

Rodolfo went dark red. Of course Alejandro noticed. He winced and decided to lie. “I did. Just… not well I guess.”

Alejandro narrowed his eyes, but then the rest of the ones going on the mission filed in, so he released Rodolfo’s chin and shook his head, turning back to everyone else. 

Alejandro was quick as he briefed everyone and diligently made them aware of what their duties were. Rodolfo, of course, listened and made sure to keep track of everyone’s place in his head. 

“Cut and Dry.” Alejandro reiterated before they set out. 

This was so unbelievably far from cut and dry. It hadn’t exactly been a disaster from the beginning, but several members of the cartel had obviously taken off running, and of course this had been several of the recognizably important ones. 

Or, recognizable to Alejandro, since they were wearing balaclavas. So, to Rodolfo, they might as well have been just like everyone else. Yeah, the masks apparently meant something, but Rodolfo didn’t care. 

God, he wished he could just shoot them and move the fuck on. He was exhausted. His side was splitting and he couldn’t get enough air in his lungs. He had a high cardio tolerance, but he’d been chasing these fuckers for borderline 30 minutes through the fucking mountains and he was sick of it. 

Honestly, he was tempted to just collapse, but Alejandro was unfortunately running with him and that would cause so many problems that Rodolfo didn’t even want to try to begin to list off. So, he just kept running. 

“Go the right path and try to cut them off!” Alejandro spoke over the radio and gestured to the path.

Rodolfo groaned and glanced at the sky before doing as told, practically sprinting so he could get ahead of them. Thankfully, the path he went on was straight, while their path was curved. So, along with his sprinting, it allowed him to get a lot more ahead of them. 

Unfortunately, both of these paths led to an inevitable destination, which was a cliff that went off into a river. It was a pretty high fall, but one would likely only break a limb or two if they fell from it. Surely, these cartel members would not risk that.

Surely not. 

When he finally made it to the cliff, he lifted his gun and pointed it at the group of three members that were now coming directly at him. “Stop!” He called, standing firm. 

However, rather than stop, the one in the lead slammed straight into him, forcing them both to fall from the cliff. 

Legs underneath you, legs underneath you! Luckily, he managed before he hit the water, and he remembered to fucking hold his breath this time. He swung his gun to his back while underwater, since it’d be damn near impossible to shoot at this rate, and he’d be unable to swim with it in his arms. 

Coughing as he broke through the water, he gasped and quickly looked around. The one that had knocked him off was right next to him, clearly also attempting to recover from the impact. However, he wasted no time, reaching over and yanking off their balaclava in an attempt to grab them. “Valeria?!” He exclaimed, taken back. 

Valeria looked at him, her eyes wide in shock. “Rodolfo-”

Rodolfo cut her off with a punch, not wanting to let his surprise risk her getting away. He grabbed the back of her vest and started to drag her to land, ducking as the other two finally hit the water. 

She struggled and kicked, but Rodolfo was firm, dragging her up onto the rocks and letting her go. She stared up at her in surprise and Rodolfo held up a finger, heaving breaths. She looked almost like she was going to attack him, anyway, but then she was hunching over, coughing up water. 

“Why… the fuck… are you working for the cartel?!” Rodolfo panted, glaring at her. 

“Mind your own fucking business!” She snarled and then grabbed his leg, yanking him down. Rodolfo groaned as he hit the ground, the wind knocked from his lungs. Not that he had much to really begin with. 

Then, she climbed on top of him, getting a knife out and swinging it down. Rodolfo managed to throw his arms up to stop her, causing her to slash through his arm. “Fuck!” He screamed and threw her off, holding his arm. “You fucking psychopath! I gave you a fucking breather!”

Valeria looked up at him as he got up, her eyes wide. Rodolfo stared at his arm and cursed, loudly, glancing up as he heard Alejandro calling his name from the cliff. He just ignored it, getting out cuffs. Valeria also appeared to glance up and then a cruel smile spread across her face. “I see you’re still Alejandro’s pet.”

“Oh fuck you!” Rodolfo went over to her, lifting her up and trying to get her hands behind her back. Instead, he was greeted with a headbutt which had his head spinning. Alright, that one was his fault, he walked into that. “You’re still a fucking bitch, I see.” He glowered at her, stumbling back and touching his nose, which was now bleeding. 

She screamed and launched at him, slamming him down and holding his head under the water which he had been close enough to that she could fully dunk his head in. He struggled against her, holding his breath to the best of his ability. He reached up and clawed at her face, kicking. 

She finally released him right as his thumb started to press under her eye socket and got up. Rodolfo was out of the water before she could manage to run away, sweeping her legs out from under her. 

“Fuck…” He breathed, coughing up water. “Goddamnit. I’m just trying to arrest you, yet you’re trying to kill me.”

“No, you fucking dumbass… I’m trying to knock you out.” Valeria wheezed and hit at the ground as she coughed. 

Rodolfo rolled his eyes, grabbing his cuffs from where he’d dropped them during the struggle and going to her. He grabbed her hands and put them behind her back, which she appeared to just go limp, finally conceding. 

However, his collar was then yanked back and a knife was put to his throat before he could even fully secure them. He put his hands up by instinct, backing up as whoever had him yanked him back. 

“What do you want me to do to him, Valeria!?” The person asked. 

Valeria carefully got to her feet, coughing again. “Fuck… He’s not a threat without Alejandro.” She finally said, shaking her head and glancing over Rodolfo. Rodolfo stared at her, incredulous. He’d just beat her ass! And she was calling him harmless?! “Tie him up and then leave him. Alive, Luiz.”

Oh, absolutely not. Rodolfo swung his head back as hard as he could, connecting with the guy’s skull. Luiz stumbled back and Rodolfo grabbed his wrist, yanking the knife out of it before swinging around and swiping the knife up, narrowly missing as Luiz yanked back. 

A hand grabbed his collar and yanked him back down to the ground and Valeria put her boot firmly in the middle of his chest. “Stay, like a good pup.” She hissed at him. “If you know what’s good for you.”

Rodolfo debated grabbing her leg and yanking her back down his level, but instead he just glared at her. She chuckled and removed it, crouching down and patting his face. “Good boy.” Then, she stood and took off with the other two. 

Or, well, both of them tried to, because Rodolfo kicked his leg out, tripping the third. He did not waste time with this one, yanking his hands behind his back and binding them. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to be as important to the other two, because despite his pleads for help, Valeria and Luiz just kept running. 

Rodolfo got up and coughed again, shaking his head. He was even more exhausted than before and half tempted to just lay on the ground and pass out. Misfortunate laughed at him, though, because Alejandro was there a moment later, finally making it to him. “Rodolfo! You let the other two get away!”

“Let?!” Rodolfo made an incredulous noise, staring at Alejandro. “She tried to kill me and then was going to have both of them tie me up and leave me here! You’re lucky I managed to get this one!”

Alejandro groaned and ran a hand over his face. “Fuck!” He cursed and kicked the rocks before helping Rodolfo get the third one up. Both ignored his cussing and ranting, dragging him up to the truck that had apparently met them. 

Rodolfo shoved him into the back and then they rode back down to where the other trucks were. Once there, Rodolfo went to shrink off to his and Alejandro’s, but he heard his name called. “You,” Alejandro pointed at him when Rodolfo turned to him. “My office when we get back.”

Rodolfo cringed. “Right.” He mumbled, getting into the driver’s side of the truck. Once Alejandro was in, he drove back to the base. 

-

Rodolfo had barely received much of a scolding, just more of a lecture. Even there, it was clear Alejandro wasn’t even sure he agreed with the contents of the lecture. So, Rodolfo had tuned most of it out and just focused on the fact that the curtains in one of the windows were moving, despite the window being shut. 

“There’s a draft.” Rodolfo commented, looking over at Alejandro.

Alejandro stared at him, having just been in the middle of speaking. “Rodolfo, have you been listening at all?”

“Yes. Don’t let important people get away. Next time, I’ll let her drown me.” Rodolfo sighed, looking at the curtain again. He furrowed his brows, realizing a lot of repairs needed to be made. This place was falling apart…

Alejandro rolled his eyes and sat in his chair. “No that.. That…” He paused and then rubbed a hand over his face. “You’re right… I’m sorry. Lately, it just feels like we’re having more losses than wins.”

Rodolfo frowned and looked at him. “That’s not true.” He really didn’t think it was. Honestly, it felt more equal than that. Two steps forward, two steps back. “We have wins all of the time. Most of the field squads have wins. Two busted missions don’t mean that we’re losing.”

“Feels like it does.” Alejandro leaned back in his seat. Rodolfo examined his body language, trying to see if Alejandro would make a request for him or not. But, instead, Alejandro put a manilla envelope on Rodolfo’s side of the desk. 

Rodolfo relaxed and pulled the chair forward. He was still soaking wet, but being wet had gotten rid of his need to take a shower, so he was dealing with it. Honestly, it was kind of pleasant, it made his body feel like it was being pressed down on. 

Carefully, he looked over the paperwork, curious what he would be working on that day. Alejandro had already said he would fill out the mission report, so it seemed all of this was just more of the daily stuff. He decided he should also check his email in a minute, so he could answer Jiminez. 

Alejandro, himself, turned to his laptop, likely going over metrics again. He seemed to almost obsessively keep watch of them, but Rodolfo knew this was necessary. They could change so much in the matter of just an hour and it was necessary to know what was going on where. 

Rodolfo bit his lip, watching Alejandro type at the laptop. He was squinting again and Rodolfo sighed, softly. “You really should get glasses.”

Alejandro gave him a look before shaking his head. “Not yet.”

“You are squinting so hard I’m genuinely worried for your eyesight.” Rodolfo shook his head.

“I can still read the screen just fine.” Alejandro sighed. “And my aim is perfect.”

Rodolfo couldn’t really deny that. Even still, Alejandro’s aim was impeccable. Regardless, though, he worried that trying to forgo glasses would only make Alejandro’s eyesight worse. “I still think you should go in for an eye exam.”

“Get an apartment.” Alejandro retorted, glancing at him. 

Rodolfo looked up at the ceiling, unsure how these were comparable at all. But, he just conceded and dropped the conversation, looking back down at his paperwork again. He supposed they both had ideas of what was best for the other person. 

They worked in silence after that. Rodolfo’s mind soon was wandering to all of the events of the mission. Still Alejandro’s pet, I see.

He’s harmless without Alejandro.

“Why did you and Valeria fall out?” Rodolfo asked Alejandro, looking at him. 

Alejandro blinked and looked at him, looking almost startled. “Why?”

“I… I’m just curious.” Rodolfo lied, quickly turning back to his paperwork and trying to appear busy with filling them out. 

“Bullshit,” Alejandro sighed, “you’re never just curious.”

Rodolfo winced, putting his pen down. He then closed the manilla envelope and rested his uninjured arm on it. His injured arm had been bandaged lightly when he got back. “The… reason I was caught off guard was that the third one was Valeria. I… didn’t expect her to be who we were chasing.”

“She was there?!” Alejandro straightened, immediately, slamming his laptop lid. “Did she hurt you?!” He was up and around the desk, immediately, touching Rodolfo’s chin and seeming to examine over his face.

Rodolfo turned red, like he always did when Alejandro touched him without provocation and shook his head. He was surprised by this reaction, since Alejandro didn’t often react this strongly when she was brought up. “Just… my arm. Slashed me to kill me, I think. She said she was trying to knock me out, but her blade was coming down at my head. I blocked it, though.”

Alejandro sighed, running a hand through his hair. Then, he picked up Rodolfo’s arm, pushing the sleeve up and unwrapping the bandage. Rodolfo winced as that caused the dried blood to be peeled off as well. It actually looked fairly bad. 

Alejandro tsked and touched it, making Rodolfo wince again. “This needs stitches.” He put the bandaging back around Rodolfo’s arm. 

Rodolfo shook his head. “I don’t think so, it’s should be fine.”

Alejandro gave Rodolfo a look and Rodolfo decided not to push his luck, since he was already in a fair amount of trouble. Alejandro went back around the desk, sitting down. “You remember the mission she left, right?”

Rodolfo hesitated before nodding. “I do…” He rubbed at his shoulder. He remembered it with no amount of fondness. They’d been sold out by a member of their Unit, but Rodolfo had never found out who. Considering several members had left or died, it was… impossible to really know. 

One of those members had been Valeria. For weeks before that, though, she’d been talking about how the military was corrupt, how she was sick of how she was treated by it. Rodolfo had actually agreed with a few of her sentiments, but… he’d only joined to stay by Alejandro’s side so it didn’t change much. 

That mission was fucked for more reasons than just being sold out, though. They were trying to arrest the current head of the cartel and it had gone wrong. So very wrong. Valeria’s squad had been meant to keep out his enforcers, but… honestly, most of it was a blur.

Alejandro seemed to be watching him. “I should have filled you in on every detail. But… I never wanted to think about it, honestly. Valeria’s squad was corrupt. They were in the pocket of the cartel, already. They… were tasked with keeping out his enforcers, right? Problem was, they were his enforcers.”

Rodolfo winced, “oh.” That explained why her squad ended up with the least amount of casualties, but the most deserters. 

Alejandro sighed. “Valeria… came back to me that night. Tried to get me to come with her. Tried to convince me to bring you, too, don’t worry. But… she knew you wouldn’t leave without me, so that’s why she came to me, first. When I didn’t budge… she said- well, let’s just say we both said things we probably regret.”

Rodolfo furrowed his brows. That explained why Alejandro had been so messed up, afterwards. Both he and Rodolfo had almost lost their lives during that mission. The betrayal… that must have been hard. “So… Valeria was the one that sold us out.”

“No, actually. That was a different member, Diego.” Alejandro shook his head. “But… she didn’t stop it.”

Rodolfo looked down at the envelope, trying to fully process everything. He’d never asked Alejandro what fully happened. He’d been too afraid to, especially once Alejandro started to get better. 

“I’m sorry, Rudy.” Alejandro sighed and Rodolfo looked up at him, again. “I should have told you. I really should have. But… I was just so… betrayed. I didn’t get it, how she could just betray Las Almas and… well, us like that. And, by the time it was all the way through, I figured it would never matter again.”

Rodolfo shook his head. He didn’t need to forgive Alejandro for this, he understood. He’d never asked, either. “Don’t be sorry. I get it. Valeria and I weren’t close but… you two were.”

“Closer than close.” Alejandro shook his head, sighing.

Rodolfo winced, trying hard to ignore the way that made his heart sting. Oh. 

“I was hoping she’d never be a problem again. It appears I should have… hoped harder.” Alejandro shook his head. “Just give up on reports tonight. Do them tomorrow. Just go get your arm sewn up.”

“It doesn’t need stitches,” Rodolfo tried again. 

“Rudy.” 

Rodolfo sighed and gave in. When he stood, he reached over and straightened the stack of papers beside Alejandro, pausing when Alejandro touched his hand. He frowned and looked at Alejandro. Alejandro took his hand and kissed his fingers, softly, and Rodolfo had to resist the urge to just melt. “If you have trouble sleeping tonight, come find me. I’m going to be up late.”

Rodolfo flushed but nodded. He pulled his hand away and smiled at Alejandro. “Okay.”

“Please start taking better care of yourself.” Alejandro sighed before opening his laptop again.

Rodolfo blushed darker and nodded again, before quickly leaving.

--

Fun fact, in the original, the last chapter and this chapter were just one chapter (Chapter 2)

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More? Chapter 8

"When Rodolfo woke up, the first thing he became aware of was a blinding pain in his head. Or, he thought it was blinding because of the bag over his head as the sensation of cloth around his face was the second thing he became aware of.

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you.

You tell yourself that he can’t love you.

Anything to mask the pain."

--

When Rodolfo woke up, the first thing he became aware of was a blinding pain in his head. Or, he thought it was blinding because of the bag over his head as the sensation of cloth around his face was the second thing he became aware of.

Whatever the pain was, there was a lot of it, right under his eye and wrapping around his brain, squeezing it. He tried to shake away the pain but that only made it worse and he had to resist the urge to whimper. Fuck.

The third thing he became aware of was that his arms were almost painfully twisted behind his back, shoved through the slats of a chair that the spaces between weren’t really big enough for his arms so whatever they had around his wrists, zipties if he had to guess, dug painfully in as his arms couldn’t push through the slats to alleviate the feeling.

Not that he had enough brain function to really try, anyway. He shook his head, attempting to clear the pain, and then groaned again as it just made it worse. Fuck. He was trying to panic, but the pain was making his brain fill with fog so he couldn’t even really do that. The most he could just do was experience the pain and pray for it to go away.

He slumped his head forward and groaned. He remembered a time he and Alejandro had gone cliff diving for the first time. Well, “gone cliff diving” implies an element of planning. Really, they’d been chasing each other through the mountains and Alejandro had stumbled off a cliff.

Of course, in Rodolfo’s… completely rational and one hundred percent not panicked thinking, he’d jumped right after Alejandro. Didn’t even think, just one moment he was chasing Alejandro and the next he was jumping off a cliff after him.

Honestly, it was pretty fortunate there’d even be water. But, he hadn’t held his breath in time and crashed into the water. Hit it wrong and everything ended up breaking his arm in three places. One of the few times he’d seen Alejandro cry.

He remembered the intense headache he’d gotten from inhaling too much water and this was pretty close. Like his head was trying to get enough oxygen up there, but just couldn’t.

Alejandro wasn’t someone who thought crying made you girly or pathetic, thankfully. God knows Rodolfo had cried several times in front of him, it was honestly pathetic. However, Alejandro just wasn’t a crier. Honestly, he got angry at everything from what Rodolfo had seen.

Rodolfo was getting better about not crying at everything, but he used to be really bad about it.

God, this was such an unimportant topic to be thinking about, focus on what’s at hand dumbass. He perked up, hearing talking, though he couldn’t really make it out. Then, the bag was being unceremoniously yanked off his head and he winced at the sudden light flooding his vision.

He looked around, having trouble making out any of his surroundings. He could tell that two people were standing in front of him. “You’re awake!” He recognized the voice as Luiz’s from the mission where he’d been shoved off the cliff.

“Where the fuck am I?” He groaned and blinked, his eyes struggling to adjust to the light.

“Obviously, we’re not going to tell you.” Luiz laughed, backing up and then crossing his arms. Or, it looked like he did, but he was only a vague shaped blob.

Rodolfo just put his head back down and shook his head, groaning. “Great…” He mumbled and closed his eyes.

“Luiz, put the bag back on his head!” He heard the other quickly exclaim. “She’s coming and you know she’ll beat the shit out of you if she sees you took it off.”

Rodolfo didn’t bother to try to fight the bag from being put over his head, just sighing softly. Thankfully, the dark helped to clear some of the bleariness from his eyes. He wondered who the “she” was that was coming.

He didn’t know of many of the female members of the cartel, at least, not the ones that would rank high enough to scare two big men that she was going to beat their ass. He ran through the list of sicarias that they knew of in his head.

No, none of them would be handling a kidnapping like this. There were a few and the ones he knew, La Araña and La Lince being the first two that came to mind, would not be handling this at all. They were not known to get their hands dirty.

Then his mind went back to the mission. Luiz had been running with… oh no. Not her again. Please, anyone but her.

Footsteps came into the room. “Who is it?” A woman’s voice sounded and Rodolfo internally sighed. He leaned his head back to try to “blink away” his headache, a tactic he’d been doing since he was a little kid.

Sure enough, it worked.

“The voice over the radio called him Rodolfo and Parra. But his vest said Sergeant Major on it.”

“Rodolfo?!” Dread filled Rodolfo’s chest, because he’d only ever heard one woman say his name like that. Neutral contempt.

The bag was again being yanked from his head and he came face to face with Valeria Garza. “Hi.” He huffed, glaring deeply at her.

“Fuck!” She cursed and then whipped around to Luiz, who Rodolfo could make out a lot better. “That’s Alejandro Vargas’ second in command. Don’t you recognize him from the cliff?!”

Luiz seemed to peer at Rodolfo and then winced. “He does look kind of familiar.”

Rodolfo looked over at the other man and then he started to recognize him as well. Diego, the other one who had deserted with Valeria. He must have been who he was tracking!

“Yeah, you fucking idiot!” Valeria slapped her forehead and then turned to Rodolfo.

Rodolfo sighed. “I’m not exactly thrilled to see you, either,” he muttered and then leaned his head back again, the light having reformed his headache. “Fuck…”

“Great,” Valeria threw her arm out to the side. “Oh, he’s manageable at a distance, barely more than a dog on a chain, but when we have his favored pet sitting in our-”

“I’m not his fucking pet.” Rodolfo glared at her.

She didn’t answer and started to pace. Luiz stepped forward, twisting a knife between his fingers and glaring at Rodolfo like he was food that had spoiled too early. Rodolfo just narrowed his eyes at him. “What should we do?” Luiz sighed and turned to Valeria. “Should we kill him??”

“No!” Valeria stopped and whipped to glare at Luiz. “You idiot! If we kill him, Vargas will lose his fucking mind!”

“Yeah, so?” Rodolfo spoke up, frowning. He really didn’t understand why she cared so much. “Don’t get me wrong, Val, I’m not in any rush to die, but you seem unhappy I’m here. I almost feel hurt, but of course, you’ve always hated me so why am I surprised?”

Both Luiz and Diego seemed to tense and glance at Valeria, nervously. But, Valeria only got in Rodolfo’s face. “Alejandro is manageable from a distance. Hardly a threat. But, unlike you, he’s only a threat without you. If you’re here, it’ll be God only knows how long before he’s raising hell to find you and I just cannot deal with that, right now.”

Rodolfo narrowed his eyes at her. “I am a threat.”

“Only when Alejandro wants you to be.” Valeria laughed and pulled away. “You’re anything he wants and only when he wants.”

“Go fuck yourself.” Rodolfo hissed at her and then sighed, shaking his head. His head was really starting to pound and he was debating slamming it against the chair as hard as he could. “Isn’t your boss going to be pissed off? I mean, you’re letting Sergeant Major Rodolfo Parra go.”

Rodolfo really should be pleading his case to leave, but it seemed they had their minds made up that he was leaving, anyway. So, now he was just pushing buttons. He was good at that.

Valeria made an odd face and then she was laughing. “Oh. Rudy… it seems he’s still the same after all these years…” She shook her head.

Rodolfo narrowed her eyes, not liking that she was being so cryptic. “Rodolfo.” He corrected, glaring at her.

His glare only deepened when she tweaked his nose. “Rudy.” She hummed and he huffed. “Regardless, El Sin Nombre will agree. You are, unfortunately, worse kept here than you are let go. Every minute you’re here is a higher chance of everything going to shit.”

Rodolfo rolled his eyes and clenched his hands into fists. “Why not just kill me, then?”

Diego was the one to speak, this time. “I grabbed you during a raid.”

Valeria nodded in agreement. “Vargas will know who did it. I don’t consider him more of a nuisance on a good day, but I know what he’s capable of with his pet being taken.”

“Oh, fuck you, Valer-” His growl was cut off by his face being grabbed by her. Instinctively, his skin darkened, and his breath quickened. Fuck. She dug her nails into his cheek and he dug his own into his palms, watching her eyes light up with amusement.

“Did he finally get his head out of his ass?” Valeria murmured before laughing, darkly. “Or did he settle halfway like he normally does?”

Rodolfo tried to jerk his head out of her grasp, but she only dug her nails in deeper and he gasped in pain. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She finally released his head and he looked away, glaring at the ground. Alejandro never settled halfway, why should he? He could have anything he wanted.

“Oh? Don’t I?” Valeria laughed again and then she walked behind him, leaning down to his ear. “I think I know. Everyone does. Not just your little Vaqueros. I mean… you’re so obvious about it, too. You always have been… even back then, everyone could see it.” She blew hot air across his neck and he jerked his head away from her. “You’re in love with him.”

“Fuck you,” he hissed, turning his face fully away from her. He told himself not to let her get to him, that she was just trying to make him uncomfortable.

Forget that she was completely right.

“Poor thing…” She cooed and her fingers found his collar, pulling it to the side. Rodolfo knew what she was looking at. The mark he’d made on his collarbone had been so deep that, even now, it was still fading. “Aw… He fucks you, doesn’t he?”

“Fuck off,” Rodolfo grit his teeth and dug his nails into his palms harder.

“But he doesn’t love you.” Her cold fingertips trailed over the bruise. “You tell yourself that he can’t love you, I bet. Anything to mask the pain. To make it go away.”

Rodolfo looked up and saw Diego and Luiz were both watching him. He knew she was too quiet for them to hear, but this was a special kind of humiliation. He dug his nails in harder and then gasped, releasing his fingers when he felt his nails break the skin. He set his jaw and went silent.

“Such a sweet thing, too.” Valeria continued. “So soft… I bet you gave it up so willingly. You were probably so easy. I know Alejandro, he probably barely even asked, but you gave it all the same.”

Rodolfo squeezed his eyes shut. Diego and Luiz’s eyes felt like they were burning holes in his skin and he hated it. He wanted this sensation to go away. He wanted Valeria to shut up, he wanted Diego and Luiz to look away. He wanted Alejandro to love him so she didn’t have this leverage anymore.

“If I had known it would be so easy, I may have tried to, myself.” Valeria sighed. “But, you’ve only ever been focused on one person. And he doesn’t want you. Poor sweet little Rodolfo.”

Rodolfo focused on the blood he felt trickling down his palms, taking a deep breath. He was going to kill her one day. Even if he had to hunt her down, he was going to kill her.

She pat his neck and Rodolfo jerked away again. But, she only moved around to his front, facing away from him and speaking to Diego and Luiz. “Take him back. Leave him outside the base. Do not harm him or I’ll hand deliver you to Los Vaqueros myself.”

Diego nodded and grabbed the bag, coming over. Rodolfo tried to protest, but he was cut off by Valeria turning to him and speaking. “Goodnight, Rudy ,” she laughed before his head was swinging back as she hit him again.

-

Rodolfo came to in a truck. Or, some sort of moving vehicle because he could feel it vibrating and occasionally it would hit a bump and jostle him. He knew he was laying down and his hands were still tied behind his back, though definitely less uncomfortably this time. Certainly not comfortably.

He winced as yet another bump caused him to hit his head, causing the splitting headache that he had, again, to only worsen. He closed his eyes and focused before starting to shimmy, managing to carefully get his hands around his legs and move them to his front.

Then, he just groaned and rolled onto his back, bringing up his hands to rub at his face through the bag.

He was going to kill Valeria. One day. Some way, some how, he was going to put a fucking bullet in her brain. He just needed one chance and he was killing her.

He didn’t even particularly want to be creative. He wouldn’t make it slow and painful, because that would risk her speaking through it. He was just going to put his gun up and then lights out. God, fuck her.

She was always like this, was the worst part. Even when they were serving together, she was like this. She’d find one little insecurity or flaw to latch onto and then she’d exploit it, sticking her fingers in it and twisting it. For no other reason than to hear you cry in pain and watch the blood trickle down your skin.

He had his theories. She was deeply insecure, she had a bad childhood… none of them really mattered in the end. He was deeply insecure. He’d had a bad childhood. He didn’t find himself taking people who were just trying to be his friend’s weaknesses and exploiting them for his own entertainment. She really was just a bitch.

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you.

You tell yourself that he can’t love you.

Anything to mask the pain.

Fuck her. Maybe Alejandro didn’t love him, that didn’t give her the right to be an insufferable fucking bitch about it. Once again, she was digging her fingers into his wounds, practically yanking them open.

I bet you gave it up so willingly.

You were probably so easy.

Fuck and she’d said all of this in front of Diego and Luiz. They most likely hadn’t heard her, but she knew Rodolfo would react to it all the same. They definitely had seen his reactions. The knowledge of this made his insides twist, filling him with a deep seated discomfort.

He doesn’t want you. Poor sweet little Rodolfo.

God, shut up. He knew Alejandro didn’t love him! Why did she have to point that out?! Why?! This wasn’t fucking fair! He hadn’t ever done anything to her to deserve her digging around in his pain like that!

Another bump slammed his head and the pain chased away the thoughts. He groaned and held his head again, feeling the truck come to a stop. Finally.

A moment later, he heard doors open and then he was being grabbed and yanked out. He was dropped and he felt himself splash into what felt like mud and water. Gross.

They untied his hands, but left the bag, and the last bump had made his head too bleary for him to attempt to do much more than slump over into the ground, where he just laid. He heard them walk back to the truck and he resisted the urge to cuss them out. Then, he heard the truck leaving. Good fucking bye.

He shook his head and attempted to sit up, pushing the bag from his head and looking around. He saw all of his gear had been placed near his body, though not his guns. Even his radio. Huh, how thoughtful.

He rolled his eyes before wincing as that made his headache worse. Bad idea. Slowly, carefully, he pulled the gear back on, buckling his vest and then checking to see if his radio would turn on. Sure enough, it did, and he sighed, leaning into it. “Commander Vargas, come in.”

“Rudy!! Where are you?!”

Rodolfo flinched from Alejandro practically screaming into the radio and held his head, looking around. “Near the base I think, I…” He paused and blinked some remaining blurriness from his eyes, able to make out the eastern watchtower in the distance. “I’m a small distance from the East watch tower. Please don’t make me guess the exact distance.”

“ I’m coming, now. Don’t fucking move.”

Alejandro did not have to tell him twice. He just hung his head and held it, groaning in pain. God, this headache was going to last for days and the cold rain was not helping. In fact, he shivered softly and that only made it worse. He debated leaning over and bashing his head on a nearby rock.

No, that wasn’t a smart idea. If he didn’t succeed in bashing his skull in, his headache would only be ten times worse. Then where would he be?

Could this headache even be worse? It felt so bad he wasn’t even sure a worse existed. He touched his eye, biting his lip to stifle a cry of pain as that only made his headache extremely worse. Okay, nevermind, worse was a level he could reach.

He perked up, hearing a truck in the distance, and he started to relax. Finally. He winced as he saw the headlights come into view, shielding his eyes slightly. But, he did see it swerve all over the wet trail. Yeah, that was definitely Alejandro.

He stood, or tried to because as soon as he was up, his head felt like it was splitting into two pieces and he sat down, quickly, as his vision whited out. Bad idea.

The truck, thankfully, screeched to a stop beside him and Alejandro was quickly out of the driver’s side, running to him. He dropped and hugged him tightly. “Rudy! What the fuck!”

Rodolfo flushed and then relaxed, closing his eyes and attempting to hug back, even though Alejandro had gripped around his arms. “I’m fine, I promise.” Well, no, he didn’t, because his head still actively felt like it was trying to break in half.

Alejandro pulled away and seemed to inspect over him, though it was short as his eyes immediately fell on Rodolfo’s face. He frowned, deeply, and touched Rodolfo’s face, pressing his thumb to the bruise and making Rodolfo wince hard. His eyes darked. “Who did this?” His voice was little more than a growl, his eyes on fire, and Rodolfo had to look away, shrinking back from the intensity of his gaze.

“Valeria. And one of her lackeys, Diego, I think. He listened to her orders.” Rodolfo mumbled, wincing as Alejandro touched the bruise again. “But, she let me go. She said that you would… come after them if they didn’t.”

“She’s fucking smart.” Alejandro nodded and then he put Rodolfo’s arm over his shoulder, lifting him up as he stood.

Rodolfo leaned into him, holding his head again in an effort to keep his brain inside his skull. Fuck, this was hell. “My head is splitting…” He mumbled.

“Come on, this rain isn’t going to help.” Alejandro dragged him to the truck and helped him into the passenger seat. Rodolfo stumbled a few times climbing up into it, so Alejandro just lifted him and set him in the seat. His head hurt too bad for him to really be embarrassed about it.

Rodolfo struggled to keep his eyes open, exhausted. Getting hit twice had taken a fuck ton out of his body and the cold from the rain was starting to see into his bones. So, as soon as Alejandro had gone around the truck and gotten in, he moved over and curled up into him. The warmth from Alejandro’s body made his skin tingle and his headache finally started to alleviate, though not by much.

Alejandro turned the heat on and Rodolfo hummed in appreciation as he watched him. This was nice… “I’m still going to fucking kill her,” Alejandro murmured softly as he started to drive, “but she was smart to let you go.”

Rodolfo nodded a little, half listening, and closed his eyes. “My brain is melting…” He mumbled, moving his hands to half grip at Alejandro’s sleeve.

“Hey, stay awake,” Alejandro jerked his shoulder and jolted Rodolfo awake.

Rodolfo just whined and covered his head. “Why???” This was unfair! He was so tired, he just wanted to sleep. It was warm and he was wet and his head hurt, why couldn’t he sleep?

“Because you probably have a concussion,” Alejandro said as he forced Rodolfo to sip upright. “Look, we’re almost there, just keep your eyes open.”

“No…” Rodolfo huffed, crossing his arms. He didn’t want to keep his eyes open, he wanted to fucking sleep!

“Look, just…” Alejandro winced. “Do you remember the jewel bug?”

Rodolfo frowned and blinked his eyes, his brain wracking to try to remember what the fuck Alejandro was talking about. Then, he groaned and rolled his eyes as the memory was pulled up. “Do you mean that stupid fucking nightlight?”

Alejandro chuckled, softly. “Hey, you used to love that nightlight.”

“It got old.” Rodolfo shook his head. The jewel bug was a nightlight that was essentially a battery operated bug in a jar that looked like it was made of ruby, though it was made out of cheap plastic. His mother had gotten it for him for Christmas and at first, it’d been his favorite thing in the whole wide world.

Keep in mind, she got it for him when he was six. Rodolfo outgrew the need for nightlights when he was 8 years old. That fucking thing stayed in his room and on for 7 years. How it even lasted that long was… beyond him. He’d tried several times to tell his parents that he didn’t need a night light anymore, but… to no avail.

But what if you get scared of the dark?? Ignoring that he wasn’t afraid of the dark and what he was actually afraid of (looking out windows and doorways at night) had only gotten laughed at and ignored, but this hypothetical fear of the dark kept a small red light in his room far beyond when he needed it. “I hated that thing.”

“Damn,” Alejandro chuckled again. “I was going to tell you I found one on ebay.”

“Buy it so I can take a baseball bat to it, like it fucking deserves.” Rodolfo shook his head. He’d finally gotten the excuse by so valiantly sacrificing it to his youngest sister, Maria, who’d recently turned six and was afraid of the dark.

Alejandro laughed, softly. “This one was an emerald leaf bug.”

Rodolfo had to admit, he did feel a bit curious about that. The problem had never been how it looked, honestly, he remembered it as being rather beautiful. The problem had been that he was too fucking old for a night light!

Alejandro finally parked, so Rodolfo sighed. “Let me see it.” He mumbled.

Alejandro shrugged and fished his phone out of his pocket, messing with it for a moment and then showing a picture of it to Rodolfo, though this listing was on Amazon. Huh, he didn’t know they were still making them. He rubbed at his forehead as he took the phone and looked over the colors they had available.

It seemed to be a part of this whole movement to bring vintage toys back. There, he saw the ruby ladybug that he had had and even just the sight of it had him rolling his eyes, but he also saw the emerald leaf bug, a sapphire butterfly, and a citrine moth. “Cool.” He mumbled and gave the phone back.

They were pretty, he would admit, but not something he particularly wanted. “Not a potential Christmas gift?” Alejandro asked and Rodolfo snorted, shaking his head.

He shoved open the truck door and stumbled out, almost immediately falling. Fuck, maybe that concussion theory had some credence. He held his head again, his arm now kind of sore. Sleep was starting to take priority.

He looked up when Alejandro came around the car, black spots clouding his vision. He just sighed. “I’m going to pass out.”

Then he slumped forward, not even able to fight it if he tried.

-

Apparently, being knocked out twice and then passing out was not good for someone’s brain. Rodolfo had had a mild concussion, apparently, but he’d made it worse by not being able to stay awake.

Of course, the entire time Rodolfo was in the infirmary bed, Alejandro had ranted and raved about how he was going to kill Valeria for giving him a concussion. Rodolfo had to admit, it made his heart flutter.

“Alejandro, it wasn’t that bad.” Rodolfo smiled, just knowing this would rile him up more. He leaned back against the infirmary bed. He could go whenever, but the medic had asked him to stay for a bit just to make sure he was truly fine.

Alejandro had ordered him to so he was reluctantly resting for a moment.

Alejandro whipped to glare at him. “She hurt you. How dare she?!”

Rodolfo’s heart squeezed and, okay, maybe that made him a little excited. The fire in Alejandro’s eyes got to him in more ways than one, he’d admit that. God, this was better than Christmas. Had he wanted to deal with the ramifications of it, Rodolfo would be half tempted to give Alejandro head right there.

But… oral made Rodolfo feel even more icky. Both giving and receiving. It felt more intimate, somehow. He loved giving it in the moment but… after, he’d just feel nauseous and it was the few times he’d genuinely thrown up after an encounter with Alejandro.

So, instead, he just shook his head. “My concussion is mild. I only have to take a week to ten days-”

“Ten days,” Alejandro corrected. “You’re taking ten days.”

Rodolfo frowned, deeply. “Why??”

“Because your brain slammed so hard against the side of your skull that it concussed.” Alejandro sighed, no longer pacing. “That takes a recovery period.”

Rodolfo made a face and shook his head. “I don’t want to take ten days.”

“Rodolfo. I’m still pissed at you for defying a direct order and moving.” Alejandro’s tone was warning, but still low and dark. Maybe it was the remaining excitement from earlier, but it made Rodolfo’s cheeks warm and his stomach clench. “You’re lucky you’re not being written up. With a three day suspension.”

Rodolfo narrowed his eyes at Alejandro before groaning and throwing his hands up. “You’re ridiculous!” He huffed before crossing his arms and shaking his head.

“Rudy.” Alejandro softened and came over, taking his hand. Rodolfo stared at their hands and where they were connected before just melting as Alejandro brought his fingers to his lips. “Please?”

Rodolfo watched him and then just huffed again. Asshole knew what he was doing. “Fine…” He conceded and shook his head. “I will… take ten days to rest…” He mumbled and looked away.

Alejandro touched his chin and made him look at him, again. “Thank you, Rudy. That’s all I ask.” He murmured. Rodolfo softened and relaxed, nodding. Alejandro smiled and released his face, before turning and leaving.

Fuck, Alejandro really knew how to get to him, didn’t he?

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More PT2

Rodolfo and Alejandro had been hooking up since they were 22. As such, Rodolfo was at a point where he could cope. Not... well, but he could cope. They had a dance, Rodolfo knew the steps well.

AO3 Link

--

Rodolfo and Alejandro had been hooking up since they were both 22. It had been barely a few months after Valeria that Alejandro had climbed into Rodolfo’s bed. That first night had been rough, messy. Rodolfo hadn’t been able to go near Alejandro for nearly a month.

One might expect that to have deterred Alejandro, but Rodolfo had found his bed climbed right back into barely a few weeks later when another reminder of Valeria had come up. Again, it had been another month before Rodolfo could go near him.

It wasn’t for lack of consent, Rodolfo had consented plenty. Enthusiastically, even. Alejandro wouldn’t have even touched him, had he not, Rodolfo knew that. It was more the sticky feeling that coated every inch of Rodolfo’s skin, trailing wherever Alejandro had touched.

As they both gained more experience, as Alejandro learned better how to not abuse Rodolfo’s body, and as Rodolfo learned how to take what Alejandro gave him, the time that Rodolfo had to take before he could handle Alejandro’s presence shortened more and more until Rodolfo was down to now.

He only had to take a few days, this time, to avoid Alejandro. Alejandro ended up being busy, so Rodolfo doubted he noticed. Actually, Rodolfo knew he had. He always did, but he couldn’t seek Rodolfo out, this time, and Rodolfo had just used his own neglected office to do his duties.

Rodolfo performed them with half the care he usually did, just doing his best to survive and skating through until the feeling wore off. It wasn’t that hard, since they’d been doing this for years now. He could get through it, he always did. Hell, he’d barely felt it unless he was reminded and reports, metrics, and drills did not remind him, much, thankfully.

In fact, it only ended up being four days, exactly. The worst in the recent years had only been two weeks, if Rodolfo could remember correctly. He remembered arguing a lot with Alejandro, afterwards. However, he could still do his job, and they rarely ran missions right after the other.

So, now he was sitting with Alejandro, who was in a digital meeting. They were just going over metrics, paperwork that Rodolfo had finished just that morning, so Rodolfo could find himself tuning it out as he looked over his current paperwork. As they were approaching winter, they were also approaching the end of the year, which meant a decent amount.

Technically, Alejandro’s job was filling out their tax documents and budget reports for the entire year, but Rodolfo was much faster with paperwork, so he usually filled them out. His mind was also a lot better with numbers than Alejandro’s was, so it was just easier for him to fill out the paperwork and Alejandro to talk about it.

Honestly, Rodolfo enjoyed it, too. He liked sitting down and just relaxing while he filled out forms and checkboxes. It was a lot easier than chasing targets up mountains or any of the other more physical parts of his job. It certainly beat being shot at or just plain shot.

Definitely beat being shot. Rodolfo rolled his shoulder and sighed, straightening up a little as he finished the last little bit of his current paperwork. This was the meeting Alejandro was supposed to be in a few days previous, but apparently it’d been postponed for various reasons.

Had Rodolfo been around Alejandro, he knew Alejandro would have taken the opportunity to complain about it. Which… it deserved to be complained about. They were allowed to just move meetings whenever but god forbid Alejandro need to miss one.

Whatever, there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

Rodolfo glanced around the room, finding himself surprisingly pretty bored. It seemed paperwork wasn’t enough to keep his mind busy that day. So, he took stock of the room, though he doubted there were any changes.

Save for a small mousetrap in the corner. It was one of the kinds that would snap down onto the poor animal when it took the bait. He hated kill traps, since it wasn’t the mouse's fault it’d ended up in a building. It didn’t know any better, it was just hungry or looking for shelter. He would ask Alejandro about it, once he was done, he decided.

Thankfully, Alejandro seemed to skate through the meeting without being scolded for their poor numbers due to the cartel, which Rodolfo was glad for. He didn’t like seeing Alejandro stressed about these things. It seemed everyone was just tired of this problem. Whatever, they didn’t have to live with it. They didn’t have to constantly patch a growing scab.

They weren’t constantly digging at a growing pile of dirt. Or… other metaphors. Rodolfo needed to get better at those, he still barely remembered the meanings of the ones he did use, just applying whatever phrase he thought fit best to a situation.

Consequentially because of the lack of scolding, Alejandro ended the meeting in a fairly good mood, which Rodolfo relaxed his shoulders a bit when he saw. He offered Alejandro a small smile.

Alejandro gave him one back, closing his laptop. “They’re going to move some of our recruits. They’re hoping it will lower the number we lose. They’ll take about a third of them, train them, and then send them back.”

Rodolfo didn’t quite see how that was supposed to help, but… He nodded, anyway. “That’s good,” he responded, unsure how else to respond. He then hesitated, never quite positive what would and wouldn’t case an argument between them. “There’s a trap in the corner.”

“Yeah, they put them in every room.” Alejandro shrugged as he leaned back in his seat.

“Who?” Rodolfo frowned, now confused why he hadn’t been informed of this. Well, actually, he had a few reasons in his head. He didn’t like kill traps as it was… He had been avoiding Alejandro… Likely, the other Vaqueros had picked up the tension between them.

The first time it had happened, when they were both still young, Rodolfo remembered a few of their fellow officers had scrambled to try to get them to make up. It had apparently been a scary sight, since they were both so close. But now… Rodolfo knew they had gotten used to it.

“A couple of majors. They were concerned about mice. Apparently one of them is afraid of them.” Alejandro shrugged, again, and chuckled softly. Rodolfo half heartedly laughed as well, only for the benefit of not coming across as accusatory.

He looked at the mouse trap, again, and found himself frowning, again. “I really hate kill traps…” he mumbled, turning back to Alejandro again.

“Sorry, Rudy,” Alejandro smiled, apologetically. “I’ll see about looking for some more humane traps. In the meantime, let's get something to eat, later.”

Rodolfo nodded, accepting that. “Where do you want to eat?” Alejandro was now gathering the papers on his desk into a neat pile and then he brought them around to Rodolfo, holding them out. Rodolfo debated playing dumb, asking him what he wanted done and staring blankly. But, he just took them and stood.

“I was thinking Sol Besos.” Alejandro shrugged, going back around his desk to sit down.

Rodolfo wasn’t really surprised. Sol Besos was considered a bit of a date spot in Las Almas, one of the few fine dining locations they had directly in the city. It was a little pricey, nice. Alejandro was apologizing.

“Alright,” Rodolfo answered and smiled, accepting the apology. He always would.

It was a choreographed dance that they did, perfectly performed at this point. Something would go wrong, a mission would be a bust, or Alejandro would deal with some frustrations at a meeting… Alejandro would need something to take his frustrations out on.

Rodolfo would offer his body and Alejandro always accepted. Sometimes Alejandro requested it, sometimes Rodolfo wasn’t even sure how it would happen but he’d end up pinned against a desk or shelf.

Afterwards, Rodolfo would cry himself to sleep for a few days, desperately try to get rid of the sticky used feeling, and avoid Alejandro. Alejandro would then apologize once Rodolfo could handle seeing him again with a fancy restaurant, maybe tickets to a movie… and then they would pretend to forget about it until the dance restarted.

It was exhausting, sometimes, but Rodolfo would rather push through it. Being used was awful, but he could handle it if it meant not going back to being just friends with Alejandro. He could handle being used, as long as he was being used by Alejandro.

“I’ll come by your quarters and grab you at 17:30,” Alejandro nodded, smiling.

Rodolfo nodded back. “I will see you, then.” He then left, taking the papers he needed to file to the file room, again.

-

Rodolfo had dressed semi-nice that night. A green silk shirt with black dress pants. Both of which Alejandro had bought him when Rodolfo had revealed a few years back that he didn’t own any dress clothing. Rodolfo didn’t go anywhere particularly nice if it wasn’t with Alejandro.

Even still, Alejandro wasn’t having it. He’d borderline dragged Rodolfo to a store and made him pick out some nicer clothing, which Alejandro had paid for. While Alejandro made more than Rodolfo, he was still paying off a decent sized piece of property he’d bought during a manic episode, and Rodolfo didn’t pay rent. So, all of this taken into account, they had around the same amount of wealth.

Alejandro still insisted on paying for most of the things that they did. Rodolfo theorized it was likely due to guilt over what they did together. Not everything revolved around that but… it was either that or the cartel, most times.

He pulled on a jacket, not his gray hoodie since Alejandro would likely tell him to change it. Yeah, alright, it wasn’t a nice jacket, but he liked his hoodie. It was comfortable and he’d worn it to a point that it was just a sort of part of him. It’d gotten a stain and he’d taken it to a laundry place, and for the few days he didn’t have it, several of the Vaqueros had commented on it being one.

Right at 17:30, as promised, Rodolfo heard a knock on his door. Knock, knock, knockknockknock. Alejandro had been knocking like that since they were little kids, so Rodolfo recognized it as him, immediately. He barely paused to glance himself over before he was opening the door, smiling as he saw Alejandro there.

Alejandro looked up from his phone, where Rodolfo saw a reservation menu was open, and then he chuckled softly. Rodolfo flushed as he put his phone away and reached up, smoothing his hands over Rodolfo’s hair. “You always look so frazzled.”

“That’s a new word.” Rodolfo retorted, but was grateful. He hadn’t thought to check over that. He did glance over Alejandro, though. Alejandro had his own jacket on, a black leather one, which pulled tight in the right areas, but didn’t restrict in the wrong areas. He was also wearing black pants as well as a red shirt, which Rodolfo recognized because Alejandro wore it, often. It had black flowers embroidered into the shoulders and the cuffs.

It was one of his favorites and Rodolfo had to admit, he was partial to it as well. Alejandro definitely suited red.

Alejandro led Rodolfo out to the truck, taking one of the smaller pickups. Likely, he didn’t want to stick out too badly. Which, Rodolfo didn't either.

When Alejandro went to get into the driver’s seat, Rodolfo laughed. “No.” He shook his head, holding out his hand for the keys. Alejandro didn’t even argue, just gave him the keys and went around.

Rodolfo turned the truck on when he got in. “I’d prefer to get to Sol Besos in one piece,” he teased, trying to show Alejandro that he really had forgiven him. He always would.

Alejandro did seem to relax before gently punching his arm. “You would have.”

That includes my nerves, commander,” Rodolfo reminded, sighing softly, before starting to drive.

“Just Alejandro tonight, Rudy.” Alejandro shook his head as Rodolfo glanced over.

So, Rodolfo nodded, “alright.” He then just fell silent as he drove, focusing on the road. Never the streets. They got worse and worse to look at. More guns in people’s pockets, more violence. A few times, Rodolfo had been able to make out bodies on the side of the streets, covered in sheets.

Rodolfo would worry why the police were not stepping in to do anything but… He knew why. The police had long been in the cartel’s pocket, paid off for looking the other way. This really was just their problem to solve.

They were being set up to fail.

From Alejandro’s tense stance, beside him, he was clearly thinking the same. Rodolfo could practically feel it rolling off of him.

“Don’t think about that stuff tonight,” Rodolfo murmured, “come on. It’s just us.” He shifted his hands on the wheel so he could touch Alejandro’s wrist.

Alejandro relaxed a little. “You’re right, Rudy. You’re right.” He then took a deep breath and nodded.

Rodolfo again went silent, unsure what else to say.

After a bit, Alejandro spoke up again. “Did you see they finally authorized repairs for the AC unit in the weight room?”

The weight room was a bit of a luxury at the base for the higher ups. Rodolfo spent some time there, but he preferred jogging and cardio exercises. Everyone else had to stop shortly after the AC broke, as it was a luxury, not a necessity. No one seemed to want to put themselves through suffering just for said luxury.

“No, I didn’t. I don’t really rummage through the reports when you hand them to me.” He hadn’t meant that to come out as bitter as it did. He’d been trying to tease, but instead his tone came across as harsh.

Alejandro flinched, immediately making Rodolfo feel bad. “Ah.” He sighed before Rodolfo could take it back. “Yeah, they’re sending someone next week. Don’t understand why I even had to get it approved when it’s taken from our budget. But.. they’re not to be questioned on these things.”

“I know several people who will be grateful.” Rodolfo smiled and nodded. “Lots of complaints.”

“I’ll put Alvarez in charge of overseeing the repairs while they’re here.”

Rodolfo nodded, again. “Alright.” He glanced over at Alejandro, who seemed to have relaxed a fair amount.

“So, did you ever settle on an apartment?” Alejandro asked, after a moment of silence.

Rodolfo sighed, softly, glancing at the ceiling of the truck. “No, I have not.” Alejandro had offered to let Rodolfo move into the ranch that he owned, off base. The same one he’d bought during a manic episode. But, Rodolfo had refused.

Regardless, they both would still go there when forced to take their vacation time. Rodolfo knew that this was technically a career, but it felt so much more like a lifestyle sometimes that the idea of getting paid vacation time was almost comical. Technically, they both got two days off a week as well, but there were usually things to do.

They were salaried, anyway, so as long as their work was getting done, nothing was usually said to them. Until the end of the year when their unused accrued vacation time was sent to them in a letter saying “take this now.” and they were forced to take Christmas off.

“You could probably afford to buy a house,” Alejandro pointed out. “I’ve seen your pay, you make enough.”

“Too much commitment.” Rodolfo bit his lip, focusing again on the road. He liked his quarters, he didn’t feel any need to get an apartment. Besides, he never left the base unless he was with Alejandro, anyway “I like my quarters on base.” He finally said.

“I think you’d enjoy an apartment more, Rudy.” Alejandro sighed, softly. This was an ongoing argument between them.

Rodolfo offered a small smile. “I’d never go to it. No point.”

Alejandro sighed, again, but seemed to give up. “I still think you should look.” He mumbled and Rodolfo saw him turn to look out the window. Rodolfo went quiet, finding no need to continue the conversation.

When they finally made it to the restaurant, Rodolfo found a parking spot, and then parked before getting out. He was unsurprised when Alejandro rounded the truck to him and then they both headed inside. “Why Sol Besos?” He asked as they entered, curious.

“I dunno, the food looked good.” Alejandro shrugged.

“It’s a little pricey.”

“We can afford it.” Another shrug from Alejandro.

Rodolfo hummed, looking away to the hostess’s stand. “I wasn’t arguing that. More… stating a fact.”

Alejandro spoke to the host and told them he had a reservation for “Vargas”. They were then quickly led to their table and asked their drink order before being told their waitress would be right with them.

Rodolfo sat across from Alejandro in the small booth, settling close to the wall. Rodolfo had never been to this restaurant, but he liked it. The interior had a gold aesthetic, with warm lighting. The tables were spaced out, which made it feel a lot more open. Likely to make up for the warm lighting.

Rodolfo picked up the menu and looked over it, picking something fairly quickly. He was a picky eater, so as soon as he saw something he recognized on the menu, he decided on it. Then, he set his menu down and folded his hands over it, watching Alejandro look over his. He was squinting slightly and Rodolfo tried to decide whether it was worth a potential argument to point out Alejandro should get glasses.

Instead, he just settled on a different topic. “This place is meant to be a date spot.” He pointed out.

“So?” Alejandro lifted a brow, glancing up at Rodolfo.

“So… what if someone sees us?” Rodolfo wasn’t actually that concerned about someone seeing them. Who fucking cared, at that rate. But.. he knew Alejandro always was.

“We wanted to get a nice dinner and discuss current affairs around the base. And Las Almas.” Alejandro shrugged, finally putting his menu down. “Some of the higher ups also come here when they visit and discuss business things.”

Rodolfo frowned but nodded. “Alright, if you say so.” He went back to glancing around, trying to take in all of the decor, though a few items were a bit too busy for him to really try.

“What have you been doing lately? In your off time?”

Rodolfo turned back to Alejandro, a bit surprised at the question. “Oh, I jog, mostly. I… I guess that’s all I really do.” He shrugged, furrowing his brows.

Alejandro seemed to frown and looked almost as if he was going to say something, but they were interrupted by the waitress setting down the drinks they had ordered from the host. “Oh! Colonel Vargas, it’s nice to see you again.” The waitress smiled, looking at Alejandro.

Rodolfo’s heart sank and he looked at Alejandro as well. Alejandro seemed awkward, avoiding both her and his eyes. Right. Another one of his flings. Rodolfo had just wanted one nice night. One night.

Alejandro smiled, awkwardly, and finally looked at her. “Hey… it’s Candace, right?”

“Carmen,” she corrected, seeming to wilt, almost.

Alejandro winced, his face now a dark shade of red. “Ah.”

“Can I get you any appetizers?” She didn’t even glance over at Rodolfo, her entire body turned towards Alejandro.

“No.” Rodolfo interjected, anyway, frustrated by this entire exchange.

Carmen side-eyed Rodolfo, but Alejandro spoke up to confirm that they didn’t and asked her to give them a minute to keep looking over the menu. “Rudy, I’m so-”

“Save it,” Rodolfo shook his head, “I don’t care who you hook up with.” He cared a lot, actually, because he’d really prefer it if Alejandro stopped hooking up at all. He looked down at his arm, picking at a loose thread.

“I didn’t know she worked here.” Alejandro’s tone was insistent, which Rodolfo didn’t quite get why.

So, he just shrugged. “Awkward moments, I get it.” He didn’t get it at all. It hurt a lot. He really didn’t want to watch her flirt with Alejandro and ignore him and Alejandro try to either awkwardly swat off her flirting or even flirt back. He suddenly had the desire to just go home, though he knew that wasn’t a good idea.

Alejandro didn’t seem convinced at Rodolfo’s words, but he didn’t push him, thankfully.

Rodolfo just waited for her to bring back their drinks, continuing to pick at the thread on his arm and finally pulling it out. When she did bring their drinks, he was quick to order his own food, wanting it out before her attention was lost to Alejandro.

As expected, she immediately turned to Alejandro. Rodolfo realized that as some point, she’d unbuttoned her blouse a little and her hair was now in a long ponytail, rather than the bun it had been in before. She put her hand on the table, leaning forward a little.

Rodolfo rolled his eyes, clenching his jaw and glaring at the back of her head.

Alejandro, for his part, seemed to just awkwardly ignore her chest which was practically in his face. A younger Rodolfo would have gently teased him when she was gone, but current him wanted to scream and cry.

“Of course, Colonel Vargas, anything else I can get you?” Carmen’s tone was high and sweet and Rodolfo looked up at the ceiling. He felt like throwing up, honestly.

“No thank you.” Alejandro shook his head. Finally, she left to input their order.

“Are they all this annoying?” Rodolfo asked once she was gone, looking at Alejandro again.

Alejandro winced, hard. Maybe it gave Rodolfo a bit of satisfaction to see him so awkward. “No… But then again, I usually don’t see them again…” He mumbled, using his thumb to pick at his nails. Rodolfo reached over and stopped him.

So, Alejandro put his hand under the table, likely doing the same thing just out of sight. Rodolfo decided to just drop it, not having the patience. “I guess I’ll have to start asking where they work.”

Rodolfo laughed, bitterly. “Ha.” He then shook his head. “Might as well ask where their favorite shop is, as well.” Rodolfo was starting to be bitterly reminded why he never left the base. “Maybe we’ll just order in, next time.”

“Yeah, probably.” Alejandro mumbled, ducking his head.

Rodolfo rolled his eyes and just went quiet again. When their food came, he took it and just silently ate, ignoring Carmen who was again trying to flirt with Alejandro, who was doing his best to evade her attempts.

He decided to just take another long, hot shower that night and just try his hardest to forget about this.

-

Rodolfo couldn’t sleep. The shower hadn’t helped to relax him at all. He was still thinking about the disaster that had taken place at Sol Besos and he needed to sleep because they had a warehouse bust in the morning, needing to clear out one of the many shipping locations for the cartel.

He rolled onto his back and just stared at the ceiling. He was exhausted, that was the worst part. His body wanted to sleep, but his mind just hadn’t quite gotten the memo. All he could think about was Alejandro and Carmen.

She actually looked a fair amount like Rodolfo, though not completely. Same darker skin, her hair was also on the straighter side. She had the same round, big eyes that Rodolfo had been told he had. Bigger mouth, but smaller body features.

They could have been cousins, honestly, but Rodolfo would know if he was related to someone that fucking grating.

Did Alejandro call her Corazon when they hooked up? The idea of that made him nauseous, again. He hated it. But, his brain continued to torture him with more questions. Did he stay the night at her place? God forbid if they’d went to the ranch. Rodolfo didn’t want to consider that at all.

Did he speak to her when he was done? Did he tell her how pretty she was and call her a good girl? Did he take his time with her? When it was over, did he talk to her at all or did he ignore her like he ignored Rodolfo?

Shut up. He told his brain, slamming a pillow over his face.

He knew Alejandro only came to Rodolfo because Rodolfo would do what he asked. Rodolfo was accessible and didn’t judge Alejandro. It just… didn’t feel fair that, at the very least, Alejandro wouldn’t stop having other hookups.

Rodolfo had never been with anyone else but Alejandro. He’d never wanted anyone else. Before Alejandro, he hadn’t been particularly interested in the idea of sex, and during… well, Rodolfo had no one else on his mind but Alejandro.

He knew it was too much to ask for, for Alejandro to be the same. But… It would be nice. Rodolfo desperately wanted to be special to Alejandro and the fact that he wasn’t just… hurt.

I’m clean. But no “Are you?” Because it was so fucking obvious that Rodolfo didn’t want anyone else. Rodolfo had never wanted anyone but Alejandro! He never fucking would, all he wanted was Alejandro!

A scream erupted out of his chest and he was quick to muffle it with the pillow, frustrated. The screaming swelled in his chest until he was hitting at the pillow and continuing to scream. He screamed until sound would no longer come out, and then he just continued the motion, sitting up and slamming the pillow down into his bed, over and over until his arms were sore with the motion.

Then, he collapsed back into the bed, sobbing again. “Fucking asshole…” He whimpered, yes whimpered. Like a kicked dog, because that’s what he felt like. “Fuck!” He threw the pillow across the room and then hit his hand against his forehead.

“Why am I so fucking dumb?” He asked his empty room, staring up at the ceiling as tears continued to stream down his face. “Why can’t I move on?”

He covered his face, a moment later, and went back to full on sobbing. He was so angry at himself for wanting someone he just couldn’t have. He was a plaything to Alejandro, nothing more than outlet for him to get his frustrations out on.

But… Alejandro? Alejandro was everything to Rodolfo. The fucking sun rose and set on Alejandro for Rodolfo. Every damn morning, Rodolfo thought of him. Fuck, he was laying here, unable to sleep, and the only fucking person on his mind was goddamn fucking Alejandro.

“Why can’t I be more?” He whispered to his still empty room. “Why can’t I just be more to Alejandro?”

[callsign-bunnie]

Chapter 13 - Why Can't I Be More?

There was something uniquely… life-changing than waking up from death. Making peace with dying then waking up barely a moment later in the infirmary, not even clinging to life did something to you.

It had been almost like blinking. One moment, Rodolfo was giving in, feeling nothing but peace that he’d finally told Alejandro, the next he was opening his eyes to the bright lights of the infirmary he’d spent a stupid amount of time in, resting in a hospital bed with tubes and wires stuck to his body.

He didn’t feel that awful.

--

Alejandro paced back and forth, unsure if he should feel regretful or not for almost ripping one of his medics a new one for not only barely making it to the roof in time, but then not letting him through to see Rodolfo.

I love you…

God, Alejandro prayed it hadn’t been too late. The fact he’d even hesitated to say it back was going to eat him alive if Rodolfo didn’t wake up. 

Alejandro had been so stupid for… god, 14 years now. He felt like an idiot for not being able to see that of course Rodolfo had loved him this entire time. Rodolfo had put so much effort into showing it… Alejandro wished he could say he’d willfully ignored it, but… he just hadn’t seen it.

God, he’d been so desperately in love with Rodolfo, always finding some excuse to touch him or be near him… Always some reason why Rodolfo had to be wherever he was or Alejandro had to be where Rodolfo was…

When they’d first started sleeping together, Alejandro remembered how pathetic he was. He remembered how sad and miserable he’d been. The last thing Valeria said before she left was “you’re never going to just tell him how you feel, are you?” And he knew she’d be right. Because Alejandro Vargas was a fucking coward.

No one knew that, not Los Vaqueros, not Las Almost and god, hopefully Rodolfo didn’t know that. He hid it so well, throwing himself in the line of fire before his men, never backing down when someone challenged him but… when it came to anything emotional, he was a coward. 

So, he’d made up some excuse. He was really fucked up over Valeria’s betrayal, he hadn’t lied, but… there’d been something else there. Alejandro had felt so lonely. He’d felt so… cold. Rodolfo was always there, always willing to give him whatever Alejandro had asked for and so he’d hoped if he just went to Rodolfo and asked… maybe Rodolfo would… well, he knew Rodolfo couldn’t give him love, but he could give him something else.

He knew Rodolfo had likely avoided him out of some disgust for how pathetic Alejandro had been. He’d been half sobbing, perfectly sober which was somehow worse, grabbing at Rodolfo and begging him and… Alejandro had felt so ashamed.

But he’d still been so desperate. When Rodolfo seemed to not be so disgusted with him, he’d gone back, and had begged again. It’d made himself feel disgusting for begging like that, but… he couldn’t help it. And Rodolfo… he’d helped Alejandro. Barely any questions asked…

Eventually, Alejandro did catch on that the avoidance wasn’t necessarily disgust, but… he’d never been able to pick up what, exactly, it was. Rodolfo would never explain, though Alejandro had tried. Was it shame? Pain? Alejandro didn’t know.

When Alejandro would go to kiss Rodolfo during sex, Rodolfo would always turn his head and he remembered how painful that was. It’d only reinforced this idea in his head that Alejandro could never fully have Rodolfo, he’d never be able to love him. 

He’d tried so hard to just… get Rodolfo to tell him what he needed to do to make Rodolfo either stop avoiding him or love him or… just anything was better than that. Than Alejandro seeking Rodolfo out for whatever he could get from him and then just… being ignored…

Maybe Alejandro had grown slightly bitter from it. Maybe he’d taken it out on Rodolfo, though he’d did his best not to. Maybe he’d sought out partners that would pretend to love him, that would finish the connection of intimacy, though it was never enough because they were never Rodolfo. He’d only ever wanted Rodolfo… 

And now, now that there was a risk Rodolfo wouldn’t wake up, now the world decided to show that this entire time, Alejandro was a fucking idiot! Alejandro hadn’t been able to see that Rodolfo had loved him back and he felt so fucking stupid for it!

Mi Sol…  

Rodolfo had given the nickname back so easily… Alejandro’s hands had been shaking when he called Rodolfo mi Luna but… Rodolfo had accepted it. Fuck, Alejandro’s hands had been shaking that whole fucking date! He’d been terrified Rodolfo would figure out what it was and laugh or… worse, reject him. 

Alejandro had just… needed the illusion. He’d needed to pretend that they could be something more than what they were at some point. 

And then Christmas when Alejandro had promised to be better, because he’d been so desperate to be better. He’d thought to himself that he’d hurt Rodolfo for so long, that he’d neglected him out of bitterness that Rodolfo didn’t love him back… And Rodolfo had just broken down sobbing and Alejandro had felt like he was being stabbed. He’d felt so guilty for demanding things from Rodolfo that he couldn’t give. 

Of course, even with Alejandro’s bitterness, he’d seen when Rodolfo started to tear himself to shreds. Maybe this one was denial, but… he’d always attributed it to some other reason. And of course, there were so many… He could see that Rodolfo’s eyes were distant, almost empty. Darker than they used to be. 

Rodolfo would physically be in the room, but mentally he was just gone. He’d noticed earlier that year and he’d felt so panicked. He hadn’t wanted Rodolfo to lose himself like he’d seen many other soldiers do. 

Alejandro had worried his efforts wouldn’t be enough, that Rodolfo would still continue to tear himself to shreds, even after Alejandro tried but he still tried. He tried to be softer, begging Rodolfo to take care of himself. He knew by then that Rodolfo wouldn’t come to him with whatever issue he was having, but he hoped if he was sweet enough or… pathetic enough, Rodolfo would try to take care of himself, but it never worked. 

So, Alejandro had switched tactics. He’d started to be affectionate. Rodolfo wouldn’t push him away, in fact he’d seemed almost desperate, himself, for the affection. And Alejandro was so desperate to give it. 

God, now he questioned all of it. Just how much of Rodolfo’s pain had been Alejandro’s doing? How much had Alejandro caused by just being a fucking coward? He’d tried so hard to reassert over and over that he wasn’t a monster, because he was desperate not to be one but… He was.

He was a fucking monster and he always would be. But, god, if he couldn’t at least start trying now.

There was something uniquely… life-changing than waking up from death. Making peace with dying then waking up barely a moment later in the infirmary, not even clinging to life did something to you.

It had been almost like blinking. One moment, Rodolfo was giving in, feeling nothing but peace that he’d finally told Alejandro, the next he was opening his eyes to the bright lights of the infirmary he’d spent a stupid amount of time in, resting in a hospital bed with tubes and wires stuck to his body. 

He didn’t feel that awful. His skin was sticky and there was a dull ache everywhere, but… honestly, considering he got shot off a building, he could feel worse. However, that could have been due to them putting him on a lot of medication, if he had to guess from the slight haze over everything. 

It was likely wearing off, though, because his mind was perfectly clear. His arm was in a sling, which he wasn’t surprised by, and there was a dull ache in his shoulder. But! He could wiggle his fingers, which meant that whatever damage hadn’t been permanent. 

He looked down at the slung wrist, glad to see his watch was undamaged and hadn’t been removed. Carefully, he lifted his right arm, reaching and touching the corner of it before releasing his arm. 

Alejandro was there barely a second later, coming over and taking Rodolfo’s good arm, kissing all over the hand and wrist. “I thought you’d never wake up! They said you’d be fine, but you know how they are and you were so tiny and pale and I… I thought the worst!” At some point in his rambling, he’d kicked over a chair and sat in it, somehow managing to keep kissing Rodolfo’s arm. 

Rodolfo smiled in amusement. Rodolfo, I… Please… I love you too… Please just stay… “Did you mean it?” He murmured, glad they didn’t have an intubation tube in his throat, just one under his nose, which was slightly uncomfortable but he didn’t mind. 

Alejandro paused and looked at him. “What?”

“Did you mean it?” Rodolfo watched him swallow and look down at their hands, frowning. He started to immediately fear the worst. A thousand possibilities of how Alejandro might excuse it ran through his mind, each worse than the last. No, I was just panicked. No, I just hoped it would make you stay. No, I didn’t. He started to pull his hand away, but Alejandro grasped his hand tighter.

“I did. I’m sorry. I��m- God, I’m so fucking useless with my feelings, but yes. I meant it…” Alejandro immediately said, shaking his head. “Did… Did you mean it?”

“More than anything I’ve ever meant.” Rodolfo answered, honestly. Relief flooded through his body and he relaxed, smiling again at Alejandro. “I have loved you for such a long, long time.”

“How long?” 

“Years.” Rodolfo shrugged before wincing. The pain meds were definitely wearing off. “Since we were children.”

Alejandro looked… not surprised, but rather deeply upset. “I feel so stupid for not being able to see that. For not knowing. God, I just- I was so terrified that you couldn’t love me back. That… I was desperate for something that would never happen.”

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you. 

You tell yourself that he can’t love you. 

Anything to mask the pain.

“What?” Rodolfo lifted his head slightly, staring at Alejandro. “What do you mean??” He was completely fucking aware, now. There was not a fuzz in his brain, whatever remains of fog there had been had completely lifted. 

Alejandro gave him an odd look. “I was so desperate. I was… pathetic. Before we started to sleep together, you never looked at me like I look at you. I was constantly doing things to get your attention, and it never felt like it worked.”

“Because I was terrified of giving myself away!” Rodolfo exclaimed. “I was terrified if I revealed that I was in love with you that you would reject me and then we wouldn’t even be friends anymore! Oh god, we’re both idiots!” He slapped his forehead with his hand, shaking his head. 

Then, he was laughing. Because… well, this was all rather silly. “I’ve torn myself apart the last five years because I thought- I thought us sleeping together was the best I would ever have…” He admitted, looking at Alejandro. “That’s why I avoided you! I wanted more and it didn’t feel like you’d ever give me more!”

“I thought you avoided me because you hated me!” Alejandro exclaimed, looking almost in shock. “The first time we… did it, I thought you were disgusted with me!”

“No!” Rodolfo shook his head, laughing again. “No, no, no! It hurt! I was so fucking stupidly in love with you and it hurt that you just wanted me for sex!”

“I didn’t! I just thought that was the best I could have! You’re right, we are both idiots!” Now Alejandro was covering his face, beet red. “I only went to you for sex because I was desperate!”

Rodolfo paused. “But.. but you were so mean to me…” He frowned, thinking back to the aggression. “You’d just… tune me out or straight up ignore me.”

“I was bitter…” Alejandro admitted. “I thought I was so obvious, I thought that you were purposely ignoring my feelings.”

“I thought you were!” Rodolfo accused.

“No!” Alejandro groaned, running a hand down his face. “You were the one who would turn your head away when I’d try to kiss you!”

“Because it was too intimate! I didn’t want to share that with someone who didn’t love me and then, I’d gotten to a point where I just…” Rodolfo sighed. “I’d just said fuck it, that anything was better than nothing.”

“That exact feeling was why I started to sleep with you…” Alejandro’s shoulders dropped. “I wanted anything I could get from you.”

Rodolfo softened. He supposed it should hurt. But… no, this was par for the course for them, he was realizing. He’d spent five years thinking Alejandro was purposely ignoring his feelings, and here Alejandro had spent even longer thinking Rodolfo was ignoring his. “That autism confession must have… put some pieces together.”

“No, because I’m too fucking stupid.” Alejandro admitted and then he was laughing softly. “God, no! Because I just was thinking ‘man, this really sucks, but I’m glad my best friend is confessing this to me. I really feel much closer to him. Maybe one day we might have a shot at love.’ It didn’t fucking occur to me that maybe you couldn’t have been ignoring my feelings, maybe you just didn’t have the skills to pick that up.”

What are you going to do if you get in a relationship with someone and they want to link with you?

Sure.

“Oh my fucking god!” Rodolfo exclaimed, once again slapping his forehead. Alejandro caught his wrist before he could fully hit himself and Rodolfo looked at him. “I… I asked you what you would do if you got in a relationship and you… you just said sure…” He softened. “I… I just told myself that maybe you didn’t want relationships…” Oh this… this was embarrassing. “I feel so stupid…”

“I think we both can share equal blame in this.” Alejandro murmured, smiling at him. “But.. we know now.”

“We do…” Rodolfo relaxed and nodded. “I love you… So much…”

“God, I love you, too, mi Luna.” Alejandro took his hand, kissing it. 

Rodolfo relaxed back into the bed and closed his eyes for a moment before sighing and opening them again. “How long was I asleep?”

“A week.” Alejandro looked down. “A very long and horrible week.”

Rodolfo frowned. “Well… I am awake now.” He smiled at Alejandro to reassure him.

“Thank god.” Alejandro kissed Rodolfo’s fingers again. “You made me so worried…”

“I’m sorry,” Rodolfo closed his eyes, exhausted. “Are you okay? Has anything happened while I was out?”

“I’m better now that you’re awake. And, no, nothing happened. Valeria got away, big surprise.”

“I’m gonna kill her.” Rodolfo mumbled and shook his head, opening his eyes. “Especially for shooting me.”

“I’m gonna do worse than kill her. How dare she?” Alejandro glared at Rodolfo’s shoulder.

Rodolfo sighed. “Did my shoulder dislocate? It felt like it did.”

“Yeah, but it popped out cleanly.” Alejandro nodded. “The problem was the bullet was a hair away from hitting your heart.”

“Ah, explains the insane amount of pain meds.” Rodolfo mumbled. “Makes my brain fuzzy. I don’t like it.” He reached up, rubbing at his shoulder.

Alejandro reached out and straightened Rodolfo’s hair. “They said you should be cleared for duty in a week.”

“Awesome. I will stay away from rooftops, though.” Rodolfo laughed softly, looking up at Alejandro. “I’d rather not almost fall off one again.”

“I would rather you not, as well.” Alejandro nodded, in agreement. “You’re never allowed on them, again.”

“I’ll accept that.” Rodolfo nodded. He yawned and closed his eyes.

“Go back to sleep, Rudy. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Rodolfo yawned as he woke up, stretching a little. He woke up, for once, feeling at peace. There wasn’t anything possible that he could feel dread for. He rolled over to face Alejandro, smiling softly at him.

Alejandro still hadn’t woken up yet, which was to be expected as it was still fairly early. 

Rodolfo looked over at his face. He was so beautiful… He leaned over to kiss him, before being grabbed and pinned under him. Alejandro kissed all over his face and he found himself laughing and gently trying to push at him as he was “attacked”.

“You are awake far too early.” Alejandro said, when he was done, looking down at him.

“So are you!” Rodolfo was flushed, half holding onto Alejandro, half pushing at him. “You woke up fairly quickly to attack me.”

“I couldn’t help it. You’re so kissable.” Alejandro leaned down, peppering kisses over Rodolfo’s blush line.

Rodolfo melted and closed his eyes, his heart warming. “I love you…”

“I love you, too, Rudy.”

Eventually, they would get up, and do their separate duties. There would be a raid or paperwork or report to fill out but they would do it together.

Rodolfo thought back over the last four months. He thought back to the raid where he’d discovered Valeria had rejoined the cartel and… Well, he supposed he’d have to thank her. He’d do it sometime around shooting her, but he knew, in his heart, that had been the turning point for them.

Things had finally changed.

--

The next chapter will be an epilogue!

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can't I Be More? Chapter 9

The Sun did everything… It provided heat, it made flowers grow, the planets revolved around it. People practically worshiped the sun. It was considered to be the source of life; the Sun was crucial to the planet and its survival. Rodolfo could remember in science class that they’d had several units on just how important the Sun was.

Was the moon? If the moon had never existed, where would the Earth be? Did the fact that Rodolfo couldn’t honestly answer that question point to the moon being, at least considered, useless?

…Was Rodolfo useless?

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you. 

You tell yourself that he can’t love you. 

Anything to mask the pain.

Rodolfo tried to shake the thoughts out of his head as he tugged on his hoodie. Alejandro had told him to be ready by 19:00 and while it was already 19:15, he knew Alejandro would likely be there, any minute. 

Actually, the fact that Alejandro was so late was already driving him to be concerned. Alejandro was never late, he was always exactly on time. Rodolfo hadn’t even really gotten an explanation for this, either. He just knew that Alejandro had mentioned wanting to celebrate that Rodolfo was fully cleared for service, again.

He paused when he was done and went to the letter on his nightstand. It was just telling him that he had 15 days of vacation time left to use and he was being mandated to use them from December 17 to December 31. Unsurprising, honestly. He was sure Alejandro had also gotten his own. 

That was only in a few days, so he was surprised Alejandro hadn’t just waited until then. No doubt Alejandro would ask him to come stay at the ranch with him. Despite all of their… tension lately, he found himself looking forward to it. 

He loved the ranch. It was gorgeous and Rodolfo had put in a fair amount of time, alongside Alejandro, making it beautiful. He could remember the years before when he had been alongside Alejandro, digging at the dirt and planting wildflowers. 

He smiled to himself and set the letter back down, perking up when he heard Alejandro’s signature knock-knock knocknocknock. Finally. He checked the time, noting that it was now 19:25. That was incredibly late for Alejandro. 

He brushed it off, though, and went to the door, opening it. Alejandro was standing there, half leaning against the door frame, and looking over his phone. “Well, hello there.” Alejandro looked up and half grinned. “Come here often?”

Rodolfo’s face flamed bright red and he laughed, softly, shoving Alejandro. “You’re late.”

Alejandro winced. “Yeah, sorry. I had a bit of a fight with a few of the things I was setting up.”

“What things?” Rodolfo frowned, tilting his head. 

Alejandro shook his head. “It’s a surprise. Come on.” He gestured and Rodolfo quickly followed him after locking his quarters door. 

The labeling of it as a surprise made Rodolfo insatiably curious as to what it was, now. He bit his lip to keep from asking again and just followed Alejandro out to the truck they took to be inconspicuous. “Can I drive?” He asked before reaching up and catching the keys as they were tossed to him. 

“We’re going to the ranch.” Alejandro said before going to the passenger side. 

Rodolfo furrowed his brows before opening the door and getting in. “Why?”

“Stop asking so many questions!” Alejandro laughed, shaking his head. “It’s a surprise!”

Rodolfo huffed but started up the truck and started to drive. He didn’t even need a GPS to get to the ranch, knowing the route by heart. Thankfully, it was only a thirty minute drive, he didn’t think his curiosity would be able to take much more than that. 

He glanced over when Alejandro reached and fucked with the radio. Rodolfo noticed a duffle bag near Alejandro’s leg and his anxiety spiked for a moment. Alejandro had taken him to the ranch before… But he’d never framed it as a surprise. 

“Can I have a hint?” Rodolfo asked, trying to focus his eyes on the road and his mind on keeping his anxiety calm. 

Alejandro laughed, again, touching Rodolfo’s thigh. “No. You’re too smart. You’ll figure it out, immediately.”

Rodolfo glanced down at Alejandro’s hand and then quickly looked back at the road, trying very hard to keep his heart at a reasonable pace. This was not helping his worry at all. He didn’t want to be trying to avoid Alejandro days before their vacation time. 

Alejandro shook his head and then pulled his hand back. “You’ve figured out every other surprise I’ve given you. I am absolutely determined this time.”

Rodolfo blushed and smiled to himself, despite his nerves. In his defense, Alejandro had only ever surprised him five times. So, it wasn’t like he had that many to claim. “Well, you’re succeeding this time. I genuinely have no idea what it is.” He lied, since he was more and more worried it was sex.

Alejandro seemed to relax. “Good.” He then leaned down and checked the duffel bag, unzipping it. Rodolfo glanced to try to see what was in it, but Alejandro immediately noticed and quickly zipped the bag back up before Rodolfo could see what was inside. “No way, Rudy.”

Rodolfo huffed. “Damnit, come on…” He half whined, before immediately being embarrassed at himself. He just focused on the road again. 

“Just calm down, I promise you will know what it is, soon.” Alejandro laughed, softly, and shook his head again. “You’re so impatient.”

“Well, with you I can only imagine what it will be.” He mumbled, trying not to pout out the windshield. You’re an adult, Rudy, act like it. 

Rodolfo glanced over, seeing Alejandro was watching him with a soft smile. “You’re too sweet, sometimes, you know that?”

Rodolfo blushed dark and didn’t answer, his mind immediately going back to Valeria. Such a sweet thing, too. Immediately, her words started to flood back to him. 

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you. 

You tell yourself that he can’t love you. 

Anything to mask the pain.

He bit into his tongue to keep himself from getting too upset. He didn’t want to get angry at Alejandro and he definitely didn’t want to cry. He’d had enough of randomly crying. Finally, he saw the turn for the Ranch, smiling as he saw the entrance gate.

He stopped so Alejandro could put in the keycode before the gate was then opening. Alejandro had been so excited about the fact that it came with one. He’d fiddled with it for damn near hours getting all of the codes set up. 

Rodolfo drove down the little rocky path, turning where Alejandro indicated before parking the truck. He went to look around but Alejandro immediately covered his eyes. “Wha- Why???” Rodolfo exclaimed. 

“Close your eyes!” Alejandro exclaimed. 

“No! I want to see!” Rodolfo shook his head, reaching up to try to pull Alejandro’s hands from his face. 

“Damnit, I knew I was going to have to blindfold you.” Alejandro sighed before very briefly letting Rodolfo’s face go. The barest glimpse that Rodolfo got was just that the ranch was too fucking dark for him to see, anyway. Then, a cloth was being tied around his eyes. “Alright, look, I’m going to help you out of the truck and then I need you to stay still while I go do something.”

Rodolfo frowned, deeply, uncomfortable with his eyes being covered. Ultimately, however, he decided not to pull the cloth off, since it was clearly important to Alejandro. 

Rodolfo could hear Alejandro’s door open and then close and then there was a bit of silence before Rodolfo heard his own door open. Then, Rodolfo was being picked up, which made his face flame an embarrassingly dark shade of red. 

Then, he was being gently set down on the grass, which was slightly damp from the bouts of rain they’d been having. Rodolfo could tell from the soft squishing noise it made when he was set down. 

“Watch your footing. God, I hope it still works.” Alejandro muttered before taking Rodolfo’s hand and pulling him gently. His hand with to Rodolfo’s waist to guide him, making Rodolfo’s already dark blush just deepen. 

Alright, he was willing to accept this wasn’t for sex, but whatever it was seemed to consist of making Rodolfo blush harder than he ever had and he was already sick of it. 

“What works?” Rodolfo tilted his head back, trying to see under the cloth but Alejandro appeared to have tied it too tightly for him to see anything at all. 

“You’ll see! Stop asking questions!” Alejandro laughed again and let him go. “Stay here and don’t take that off!”

Rodolfo huffed but did as told, hearing Alejandro’s footsteps retreat a moment later. He started to tense as he suddenly became aware that he was alone. Blindfolded. At night. 

The feeling of wet cloth started to resurface in his mind, no matter how hard he beat it down. He had ended up mostly unscathed and had honestly been through worse, actual waterboarding being the first thing to come to mind, but something about being so vulnerable had gotten to him. He didn’t like the sensation. 

He scratched his face to try to get rid of the feeling. To remind himself that he was fine. He would be fine. He was… god, he hated this so much. 

He took deep breaths and focused on trying to listen for Alejandro, able to make out his footsteps in the distance. His soft cursing as soft clanging could be heard. Then a soft beeping noise and light spilled around the edges of his blindfold. 

Rodolfo frowned, deeply, now very confused. Okay, this definitely wasn’t for sex. But what was it for?? 

A soft bang came and- “Fuck!” He heard Alejandro exclaim and on instinct, he went to pull off the blindfold. “Absolutely not, Rudy! I can see you!”

Rodolfo huffed but lowered his hand. Asshole. Finally, a moment later, he heard footsteps, hopefully Alejandro’s, come to his location and he waited, slightly tensed. “Can I take this off, soon?” He asked when he heard Alejandro get close, recognizing his breathing pattern. “Or is this going to be the whole night?” He sassed. 

“It’s been five minutes, Rudy, just give me a moment,” Alejandro chuckled and then Rodolfo heard the truck opening again. 

Rodolfo just sighed and tried to be a little more patient, but the suspense was killing him. 

Finally, Alejandro came back. “I’m going to take the blindfold off, but keep your eyes closed for just a moment, okay?”

Rodolfo just whined, “come on! This is ridiculous!”

“I know, I know,” Alejandro murmured and then his hands were touching the edge of the blindfold. The gentleness of Alejandro’s tone and the soft touching of his hands made Rodolfo’s skin hot again and he prayed Alejandro couldn’t feel or see it. “Are your eyes closed?”

Rodolfo hesitated before reluctantly closing them. Then, he just nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He was worried his tone would be weird. 

The blindfold was removed from his face and then Alejandro moved behind him, gently guiding him forward a bit. Rodolfo was careful with his footing, really not wanting to trip on anything. “Okay… now you can open them,” Alejandro murmured when they stopped. 

Rodolfo did so, immediately, and then just as quickly regretted it. “Ow,” he winced and earned a chuckle from Alejandro, as he’d been half blinded by lights. He covered his eyes and then blinked through them, allowing a little bit of light through his fingers so his eyes could adjust. 

When they finally did adjust, he blinked a bit more as he looked around. 

“What do you think?” Alejandro asked, softly.

“I…” Rodolfo was speechless, in awe. 

The main source of the light was a projector hitting the inside of a very large tent. Rodolfo recognized it from their childhood, it was one Alejandro’s family had bought so he and Alejandro could have “camping trips” in the woods behind Alejandro’s childhood home.

It was large, meant to fit two actual camping cots and plenty of storage. More of the lightsource came from fairy lights that were strung up inside it, which gave the tent a warm glow that contrasted with the stark white glow of the projector. 

In the tent, on the floor, was a large blanket, which Rodolfo also recognized from their childhood as the same blanket Alejandro would spread out over the floor of the tent.. He was surprised Alejandro had kept both, honestly. There were several pillows laid out, too, and it looked like there was a basket and a bottle of wine in the middle of the blanket, too.

He flushed when he felt something wrap around his shoulders, suddenly, looking and seeing Alejandro had wrapped a blanket around them. “You… set all of this up?” He asked, carefully, and turned to Alejandro. 

“I did,” Alejandro nodded, looking proud of himself. “It was a pain in the ass, too. The tent broke four times and I was nervous to leave the projector in case it started to rain again.” He grinned. “But, it was worth it. God, I wish I’d gotten a picture of your face.”

Rodolfo blushed darker, again, and peeked around Alejandro, getting a good look at everything again. He went to the side of the tent and touched it, gingerly. The fact that Alejandro had set up all of this, just to surprise him…

The euphoria-oxytocin was back, flooding his system and making him drown in the sensation. Alejandro had put in so much time and effort… for him… He hugged himself with the blanket around his shoulders, melting at the rosy pink feeling. “It’s beautiful…” 

He turned and looked at Alejandro, melting more at seeing a soft expression on Alejandro’s face. “I’m glad.” Alejandro murmured and moved over, touching Rodolfo’s face. Then, he guided Rodolfo to sit in the tent, which Rodolfo carefully did.

“Is this why you were late?” Rodolfo asked, looking up at him. 

“Yeah, I took just a little too long.” Alejandro looked sheepish and then sat beside him, getting into the basket and pulling out what Rodolfo recognized as food. “I was honestly worried you may be asleep.”

Rodolfo laughed, softly, “it was only 18:30 when you came and got me. I would have been early to bed.”

“Your sleep schedule has been weird lately. Sometimes I think you’ll be awake and you’re asleep, and sometimes I think you’re asleep and you’re up watching those telenovelas again.” Alejandro shrugged. 

Rodolfo flushed, frowning, and looked away. He hadn’t realized Alejandro paid so much attention to it. He knew his sleep schedule was odd and he was often awake when he should be asleep or asleep when he should be awake but… the fact that Alejandro had taken the time to notice it and now was pointing out made him feel even more fuzzy inside because once again, Alejandro had… seen him… 

He got this big sort of dopey smile on his face and watched Alejandro finish getting everything out of the basket. “How’s your eye?” Alejandro asked when he was done and looked up at him. “The lights aren’t hurting it, right?”

Rodolfo paused. “Oh.” He reached up and touched where the bruise was still healing but mostly faded. It didn’t even hurt anymore. “I didn’t even remember I was injured so… pretty good I assume.” 

“Good,” Alejandro nodded and then smiled. Rodolfo then watched him set out some containers. “Sopapillas, churros, and those empanadas you like so much from that bakery.” 

“The ones with peaches or pineapples?” Rodolfo immediately asked, perking up with excitement. He hadn’t had them in a while since he had to put in an order for them. He didn’t feel like putting in all the effort of ordering them, then going and picking them up, then having to drive back home. That all just seemed like too much. 

“I think I grabbed one of both,” Alejandro shrugged and handed him the container. “They might be a little cold, but I did my best to keep them warm. However, that duffel bag is not very thermal.”

Rodolfo opened the container and touched them. “Still warm, don’t worry.” He assured and relaxed, smiling. “Are the sopapillas and churros from there, too?” 

“You know I’m no good in the kitchen.” Alejandro snorted, softly, and nodded. “Yeah, I picked them up earlier.” 

Rodolfo knew Alejandro wasn’t good from a lack of practice. If he would try, he’d probably be just fine in the kitchen. But, Alejandro’s family had been more traditional, so Alejandro had never been taught and then neither of them really had a chance to practice, currently. Rodolfo would primarily cook at the ranch, but that was because he enjoyed it. 

Rodolfo set the container down and smiled at Alejandro. “What movies did you pick?” He asked, curious. 

“You like those old dramas, so I found a couple of those.” Alejandro shrugged.

Rodolfo laughed softly. “They’re not dramas, they’re called Noir films.” He shook his head, affectionately. He did love them a lot, though most of the ones he had seen were American. He’d used to watch them on TV with his mom. “They’re really good.”

He enjoyed the drama behind them. It was why he enjoyed telenovelas. They weren’t his problems, they were so deeply removed from his problems. And the problems that were similar to his own were so comically exaggerated that he couldn’t bring himself to really even be upset by them. 

“Well, I found a few.” Alejandro shrugged and grabbed the wine bottle, uncorking it easily. That sent a few shivers down Rodolfo’s spine, especially at the way Alejandro’s arm tensed to pull it out.

Alejandro glanced at him and Rodolfo quickly looked away, embarrassed. Alejandro’s simple shows of strength always excited Rodolfo and it was always fairly embarrassing. He had once gotten very excited because Alejandro had just picked someone up and thrown them across the room.

Alejandro touched his chin and guided his face back to look at him again. “I don’t like when you look away from me. It worries me. I know you’re thinking something. I just don’t know if it’s bad or not.” Alejandro murmured. 

Rodolfo frowned a little and then he started to fidget, feeling bad. “It’s not always bad…” He answered, honestly. Then, he hesitated before continuing. “I mostly just… I don’t know. You look at me so intensely and… it’s hard to look back.”

Alejandro frowned and let go of Rodolfo’s face. “I don’t understand.”

“You have this way of looking at people, me especially, that just… it seems like you’re trying to pry me open. I feel naked, exposed… Unable to… cover myself.” Rodolfo admitted, feeling slightly vulnerable. 

Alejandro looked away and he furrowed his brows, slightly. “I don’t… mean to do that.” He mumbled and Rodolfo immediately felt bad. “I’ll try to soften my gaze, I don’t… I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me. I feel… like everything I do just pushes you further away from me and I don’t understand why I can’t just…” He trailed off and then shook his head.

Rodolfo frowned. “Can’t just what?”

Alejandro paused and then looked at Rodolfo before sighing and dropping his shoulders. “Why I can’t just get it right. I… hate when you’re distant from me, but yet… I feel like everything I do causes you to be distant from me. I want my best friend, my Rudy back. I want you close to me.”

Rodolfo’s heart went through quite the roller coaster, first damping at best friend but then swelling at my Rudy . Alejandro’s Rudy… I want you close to me. He melted and then just scooted over and leaned into Alejandro. “I’m.. I’m sorry… I’m trying to be closer to you…”

“I know.” Alejandro pressed a soft kiss to his hair and Rodolfo closed his eyes, smiling happily. Then, his eyes were opening again as Alejandro got the wine glasses and bottle of wine, handing Rodolfo a glass. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really get why everyone likes this stuff. It tastes like… buttery juice.”

“Yeah…” Rodolfo laughed softly. “I don’t really get why it’s hyped up so much, either. Some of them, the texture is godawful.”

Alejandro chuckled. “You used to drive your dad crazy with that texture stuff.”

“I don’t honestly feel bad about it.” Rodolfo laughed. “Maybe I should, but… there are still foods I just cannot stand. And I’m not going to feel bad about it.”

Alejandro snorted. “As you shouldn’t. Anyway, yeah some wines are good, but I don’t think it’s as good as some like to act.” He poured their wine before sipping his own. Rodolfo watched in amusement as Alejandro then made a face, cringing hard. “Nevermind, I take it back. I can’t drink that.”

Rodolfo shook his head, finding the reaction cute. “I’ve watched you down tequila like it’s water, but you can’t handle wine.”

“Tequila is different. That… that is crap,” Alejandro continued to cringe at his glass. 

Rodolfo shook his head, again, and grabbed the bottle before looking at the label. “It’s a merlot. That makes sense. For future reference? Go with a white. I, actually, prefer moscatos if I’m going to drink anything. I did have this cheap wine, a bit ago, that claimed to be a moscato sangria and it was pretty good, even though it definitely was not a sangria. It was kind of odd but… I liked it.” 

Rodolfo took Alejandro’s glass from him and dumped it into his own before trying it. He understood why Alejandro used the term buttery but it wasn’t too bad. 

“I will look for that next time.” Alejandro snorted and then shoved the cork back in the bottle. Rodolfo again had to suppress a shiver and then watched Alejandro look around before he was picking up a small remote and turning on one of the movies. 

Rodolfo considered the way Alejandro moved. Every movement was with confidence. Alejandro knew what he was doing and he never did anything halfway. Rodolfo… knew that it was partially compensating for insecurity but Rodolfo admired it all the same. Rodolfo was constantly questioning himself, second guessing everything. 

In a way, it added to their dynamic. Alvarez had once compared Alejandro and Rodolfo to the Sun and the Moon. Alejandro being the sun, of course. Rodolfo had felt… slighted, almost. But, it fit. The Moon couldn’t glow on it’s own, it was just a fucking rock. But it reflected the Sun’s light. People found it pretty but besides tidal waves… what did it really do?

The Sun, though? The Sun did everything… It provided heat, it made flowers grow, the planets revolved around it. People practically worshiped the sun. It was considered to be the source of life; the Sun was crucial to the planet and its survival. Rodolfo could remember in science class that they’d had several units on just how important the Sun was.

Was the moon? If the moon had never existed, where would the Earth be? Did the fact that Rodolfo couldn’t honestly answer that question point to the moon being, at least considered, useless? …Was Rodolfo useless?

He knew Alvarez likely had meant no harm in her statement. She was more likely than not pointing out how different but complementary they were. Night and day. One cannot exist without the other. But… people vastly preferred the Day over the night. Rodolfo had always preferred night time. It was inconvenient, now. But when he was young, he’d preferred being awake at night. There was control in the solitude of night time. 

But, Rodolfo knew not many shared his sentiments and why should they? There was so much to prefer about the daytime. 

Now, you’re probably thinking, “but Rodolfo, the night time is just the natural state of the universe. The day time is artificial.” Does that really matter? The day time is when the Sun was shining, and the night time was when the Moon had his time to shine. No, not shine. Reflect. You couldn’t really say that night time was natural when the starring role could only reflect the so-called “artificial” time’s literal star. 

Rodolfo would be nothing without Alejandro. No one would notice him. He wouldn’t shine. He’d just be a rock, endlessly floating in the abyss. Alone. Unwanted.

Rodolfo wondered, did the Moon struggle to look at the Sun as well? If the moon disappeared, the Sun would feel no effect. Would… it even notice? 

Would Alejandro? 

“What are you thinking about?” Alejandro broke Rodolfo’s musing and Rodolfo looked over at Alejandro, frowning slightly.

But, Rodolfo shook off his thoughts and offered a half smile. “I’m thinking of a new tattoo.”

“Oh?” Alejandro smiled. “Of what?”

“A moon.” Rodolfo looked down at his wine glass, swirling it a little like he’d seen people on tv do. He wasn’t sure what it did for the wine, but they did it a lot so he figured it was important. 

Alejandro seemed to almost perk up. “Where are you going to get it?”

Rodolfo flushed, “oh um… I hadn’t really considered that far, yet.”

Alejandro nodded and then he touched Rodolfo’s left side. “Right here.”

Rodolfo looked down at where Alejandro was touching and then smiled. “Why?”

“I don’t know, I think it will look pretty.” Alejandro shrugged. “Why a moon?”

“I remember Alvarez comparing us to the Sun and the Moon once.” Rodolfo answered, honestly. “I think the metaphor fits.”

“I do, too.” Alejandro nodded. Rodolfo knew Alejandro couldn’t know why that would hurt him, but it stung all the less. Alejandro would always know his own importance. Rodolfo was glad for that. But… Alejandro likely would always know Rodolfo’s unimportance. “I am a little surprised by the fact you want to get a tattoo of the moon based off of that comparison though.”

Rodolfo frowned. “Why?”

“Well, you seemed pretty upset by it.” Alejandro shrugged. “I remember Alvarez felt pretty bad about it. She asked me to apologize for you, but when I tried you just brushed it off.”

Rodolfo furrowed his brows. He remembered that, he’d just wanted the conversation to be over. “I wasn’t… that upset. Just… I don’t know.”

Alejandro seemed to watch him for a moment before shrugging and leaning back on his hands. “I was.”

“Why??” Rodolfo looked at Alejandro, surprised. 

Alejandro shrugged again. “It seemed unfair. I mean… the Sun is just the Sun.”

“The Sun is pretty important. It was considered the source of life in Aztec culture,” Rodolfo argued. “Besides, wouldn’t the moon be… just the moon?”

Alejandro seemed to consider. “No. When I think of the Sun, I think of a fiery ball in the sky that’s projected to eventually explode in millions of years. One day, it will burn itself out. But when I think of the moon… I mean, it doesn’t need a Sun to survive. Our moon doesn’t. If it left our solar system not much would change for it. If it were to float for all eternity… without an outside force, it’ll survive. Stars have a life cycle.”

Rodolfo snorted, “the Sun is essential.”

“But not independent.” Alejandro shook his head. “The moon is. The moon is eternal. Immortal. You’re right, I do think it fits you. Mi Luna. I like that.”

Rodolfo turned bright red at the nickname, genuinely speechless. “I’m sorry-”

“Rodolfo, I’ve watched you walk away from things that would destroy everyone else.” Alejandro deadpanned, pinning Rodolfo with a bright stare. One Rodolfo almost felt the need to shield his eyes from. “Besides, you know what else I think of when I think of the moon?”

“What?” Rodolfo frowned.

“Stars. Plural. The Sun is just one star. But… the moon comes with many.” Alejandro smiled. “And I can look at the moon. I cannot look at the Sun.”

Rodolfo shook his head. Of course Alejandro would find a way to spin this. He went silent, though, not having a retort for a bit. Finally, when he did, he looked down. “Nothing can survive without the Sun. The moon just reflects light from the Sun.”

“Everyone still thinks it’s beautiful regardless. I wonder, does the moon hate itself just as much as you do?” Alejandro sighed and touched Rodolfo’s face. “Have you considered that maybe the Sun shines on the moon so everyone can see it? That the Sun wants everyone to marvel at the moon?”

Rodolfo looked away from Alejandro, but, as expected, Alejandro turned Rodolfo’s face to him. “I don’t like speaking in metaphors.” He mumbled. 

“Then I’ll drop them. At the end of the day, Rodolfo, no matter what pretty metaphors you attach to us, you’re not the moon. And I’m not the sun.” Alejandro murmured. “We’re people. And for the record? I could not survive without my moon. Don’t forget that.”

Rodolfo fully met Alejandro’s eyes and then he melted, softening. I could not survive without my moon. “Mi Sol…” He murmured. 

“Mi Luna.” Alejandro responded and then kissed his forehead. “Can we watch the movies now?”

Rodolfo hesitated before nodding. “Alright…” He smiled and then he took the empanadas before settling into the mountain of pillows and turning to the movie. He recognized it as one that he’d seen many times, so he wasn’t too upset that his musing had made him miss a fair amount of it. 

Alejandro had also settled in, now laying propped against the wall of pillows. Rodolfo did stop to wonder where he’d gotten all of them, since the guest bedroom in the ranch house only had four from his memory, and Alejandro’s bed only had two, and this looked to at least be ten (Rodolfo wasn’t going to put in the effort to count them) so where did the extras come from?? 

He shrugged it off, though, and focused on the screen. “My mom liked these,” Alejandro said, after a small moment of silence. 

Rodolfo frowned and looked at him. Alejandro never really spoke about his family, anymore, so him bringing his mom up right now felt… odd. “Ah. So did mine. How is Elise, by the way?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” Alejandro shrugged. “She hasn’t spoken to me in… four? Years. I sent them a letter about my promotion when I got it but.. No response. Not that I particularly want one, of course.” Alejandro furrowed his brows and then Rodolfo watched him pick at a thread on his jacket. 

Rodolfo frowned more to himself. He knew Alejandro’s family hadn’t completely approved of Alejandro joining the military… It had caused a huge rift in their relationship. But, he hadn’t known that Alejandro hadn’t heard from them in so long. He touched Alejandro’s hand, the one that was picking at the thread, and offered another smile. “I haven’t heard from mine, either.”

Alejandro looked up and then he took Rodolfo’s hand, pressing his fingers to his lips. Rodolfo blushed, again. He was starting to wonder if one of Alejandro’s goals was keeping his skin a permanent shade of red. “What did you do today? Since it was your last day off?”

“Oh.” Rodolfo considered and thought back to the day. “Hmm. I don’t know. In the morning, I jogged and then the rest of the day I just… did stuff. Watched tv, the usual.”

“Have you looked at an apartment, any?”

Rodolfo looked up at the ceiling of the tent and sighed, softly. “You already know I haven’t, Alejandro.”

“Well, sometimes I hope if I ask enough, you’ll take my advice and get one.” Alejandro chuckled. “I really do think you’d like one.”

“Maybe.” Rodolfo mumbled, sipping his wine a moment later. Thankfully, Alejandro dropped the subject and Rodolfo relaxed, really not wanting an argument. When the movie ended, Rodolfo started a new conversation, really wanting to continue talking to Alejandro. “I got my letter about required time off.”

“So did I!” Alejandro smiled at him as he turned on the second movie. “They put mine in for the 17th of December to the first of January.”

Rodolfo relaxed. “They did the same for me. I feel like that isn’t the smartest. One of us should be there to hold down everything…” Regardless, he was still relieved that he and Alejandro would have that time together. “What are you going to do for it?”

“Same thing I did last year and the year before that.” Alejandro shrugged. “Come here, rest. Are you going to come with me?” Alejandro met his eyes and Rodolfo knew he wasn’t mistaking the hope that was there. 

Even still, Rodolfo didn’t want to come across as too eager, too excited, so he looked away and pretended to have to consider it. Before, relaxing and nodding. “Of course,” he smiled. “If you’d like me to, that is?”

“I definitely would.” Alejandro relaxed and smiled more. “I’ll put up that Christmas tree you had us get last year since you like them so much. Even if I think it’s odd, since you’re not Catholic.”

Rodolfo blushed and shrugged, looking away. He was likely one of the few not raised Catholic. Technically, his family was, and he’d been christened as a baby so he supposed he was. But, his parents had stopped going to mass or any of the other catholic things a while back. And, they’d never bothered to speak to Rodolfo about any of it. He didn’t know any of the traditions, save for what he’d learned from Alejandro, who was Catholic. Or… used to be, at least. Rodolfo didn’t know if he still was, but Alejandro still wore a cross and occasionally he took Sundays off to go to mass. 

“I think they’re pretty,” Rodolfo finally answered. “I like the lights. Are you going to mass this year?” He asked, curiously. 

Alejandro shrugged, “no, I don’t really go to that anymore.” Rodolfo watched him reach up and touch the cross around his neck before sighing softly. “I should but…” He seemed to hesitate and then he looked up at Rodolfo. “It gets exhausting to be told I’m going to hell every Sunday.”

Rodolfo frowned, now feeling bad for Alejandro. His parents had been devout, he remembered that. “That does sound exhausting…” He agreed. “What reasons, specifically?”

“Well…” Alejandro’s expression did turn slightly amused. “Considering you’re a man… and we have had… a fair amount of premarital sex… Also sodomy is a sin… I also take the lord’s name in vain a fair amount.”

“You do that, yes,” Rodolfo agreed and shook his head. He felt half amused at what Alejandro said, but half bad as well. He was willing to accept this one wasn’t quite his fault. He hadn’t initiated their encounters, usually it was Alejandro. “I guess everything combined is a one way ticket.”

“Yeah but…” Alejandro shrugged and took Rodolfo’s hand, again, rubbing over the knuckles. “I don’t feel bad. I don’t regret you.”

Rodolfo had to resist just melting again, going quiet and just softly saying “oh.” 

Alejandro looked up at him, again. “I don’t think it’s fair, anyway. Why is it that touching you could condemn me for all of eternity? How is that fair?” Rodolfo’s eyes followed Alejandro’s hand as it released his own and then reached up, brushing under Rodolfo’s eye.

Rodolfo’s breath stopped and his eyes moved to Alejandro’s face, watching as it softened to one of awe. “You’re so pretty…” Alejandro murmured and then his hand dropped. 

Rodolfo let out his breath and relaxed, before deciding to try to break the tension. “You call me pretty a lot.”

“You are. Soft and beautiful.” Alejandro shrugged. “Especially in this light. I think you’re handsome, too, don’t worry.” He chuckled, softly.

Rodolfo shook his head and smiled, though he knew his skin was red again. “You use feminine descriptors for me. I don’t… I don’t think God will mind so much.”

Alejandro paused and seemed to furrow his brows. A moment later, though, he shrugged and turned back to the movie. “I hope not.”

Rodolfo watched him go still and presumably focus on the movie. Then, he watched the way Alejandro’s chest rose and fell from his breathing, trying to sync his own breaths up to it. After a moment, he moved closer, moving Alejandro’s arm and then pressing close to his side. 

Rodolfo closed his eyes as Alejandro pressed a kiss to his hair, and he put his head on Alejandro’s chest, tracing over the lines in his abdomen, able to feel them under Alejandro’s shirt. The zipper of Alejandro’s jacket dug slightly into Rodolfo’s arm, which was pinned underneath him, but he paid it no mind. It would get overwhelming, later, but for now, he just focused on Alejandro. 

Alejandro’s arm shifted and then he lifted Rodolfo, moving the jacket out from under him. Rodolfo wondered, for the briefest moment, if Alejandro was telepathic. But.. he knew Alejandro couldn’t be. He would know, then, that Rodolfo loved him. 

Rodolfo felt Alejandro’s fingers fall on his arm and then they were stroking up and down the skin that was there, causing Rodolfo to let out a soft breath. He tuned out the sound of the movie, as it was another that he had watched before. 

His mind started to muse again and he steered it away from the most obvious topics. He didn’t want to think about wet cloth on his face, he didn’t want to think about Valeria, he didn’t want to think about the growing pile of problems. Instead, he thought about Alejandro. 

Alejandro hadn’t touched him since the time after the meeting. Not sexually. Each day, he found himself thinking about it more, a growing worry in his mind that he kept just trying to set aside. At first, it had been a marble that he could just flick away, but now it was a paperweight that Rodolfo had to put more attention into moving to the side. 

Granted, there hadn’t really been any need for Alejandro to come to Rodolfo. But… he didn’t want to admit it, however he was starting to get worried. Usually, they only went a few weeks between it, if that. It'd been close to a month now. Just over time but… Still over. 

Maybe Alejandro didn’t want him anymore? No, he couldn’t think like that… There was no reason to believe that. None at all. And no reason to believe otherwise. 

You’re in love with him.

But he doesn’t love you. 

You tell yourself that he can’t love you. 

Anything to mask the pain.

Rodolfo’s heart picked up in pace, aching from the idea, and his breath sped up as well. He didn’t know what he would do if Alejandro went back to wanting to be just friends. He could take Alejandro not loving him, he could handle that. But… to be nothing at all? Nothing more than Colonel Alejandro Vargas and Sergeant Major Rodolfo Parra? He would rather die. 

He didn’t want that. He didn’t want that. He couldn’t go back to that, again. He couldn’t! He couldn’t go back to that. He-

“Hey, what are you thinking about?” 

Rodolfo’s mind went dead silent and he moved to look up at Alejandro, blushing as he saw Alejandro was watching him. His breath and heart slowed again as he relaxed. “Nothing, I was just watching the movie.”

“Are you sure?” Alejandro frowned, reaching up and stroking Rodolfo’s hair. 

Rodolfo closed his eyes, relaxing more from Alejandro’s touch as it soothed his mind. However, now he was embarrassed that he’d so easily freaked out. “Yes, I’m sure,” Rodolfo finally answered, opening his eyes again and meeting Alejandro’s.

Rodolfo smiled and closed his eyes again. Then, after a moment, he yawned. He hadn't realized how sleepy he was.

“We’ll finish this movie and then I’ll pack everything up.” Alejandro hummed.

Rodolfo nodded a little. He rubbed at his face and opened his eyes to finish the movie.

Sure enough, when it was finished, Alejandro started to clean up, shooing away Rodolfo when he tried to help. Rodolfo still tried, anyway, and eventually Alejandro gave in and let him, laughing softly.

Rodolfo smiled at him and folded up the blankets and grabbed the pillows, putting them in the truck. “Tonight was really nice… Thank you…” He told Alejandro once they were done packing up the truck bed.

“Of course, Rudy.” Alejandro leaned over and kissed Rodolfo’s temple, touching his hand, gently.

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More Chapter 4

"A week passed without much event, save for the repairs being made to the AC in the weight room. It ended up being too crowded for Rodolfo to really want to bother trying to use it for now. He was content to jog in his free time, anyway, which he’d been able to do most nights. It helped him sleep, anyway. 'Still Alejandro’s pet, I see.' What the actual fuck did that even mean? God, of course Valeria was in his head again." Valeria did way too good of a job getting under Rodolfo's skin. All he can think about when he should be doing other things is her words to him when he was trying to arrest her. On top of this, Alejandro is starting to make demands he's unsure if he can fulfil. He doesn't want to avoid Alejandro, he can't help it.

--

A week passed without much event, save for the repairs being made to the AC in the weight room. It ended up being too crowded for Rodolfo to really want to bother trying to use it for now. He was content to jog in his free time, anyway, which he’d been able to do most nights. It helped him sleep, anyway.

At the moment, they were in a completely different city, at a meeting. He hated these things. They were expected to fly for an hour to get there, then they were of course lectured on the cartel problem. Usually in front of everything. Alejandro would be lucky to get more than a word in about anything at all. Oh, and their losses being so bad.

Any of them were welcome to try to take over if they genuinely thought they could do better. Well, they were welcome in Rodolfo’s eyes. Alejandro likely would have problems with it, but… whatever, they didn’t plan to, anyway.

Rodolfo sighed and just sipped his coffee, listening the best he could, but honestly, he was just tuning it out. He only really came to these because he had to be there as SIC, but he wasn’t necessary. He was never asked to speak, hell Alejandro was never asked to speak, and so they ended up just being him sitting and watching Alejandro get more and more irritated.

So, he just let himself tune out.

Still Alejandro’s pet, I see. What the actual fuck did that even mean? God, of course Valeria was in his head again. Just… he was confused what she had meant. Rodolfo wasn’t Alejandro’s pet, and he was offended at being called that.

He’s not a threat without Alejandro. He had just beat her ass, hell he could have killed her. Honestly, he was regretting not doing it, since she’d been an absolute bitch right after. He’d just been shocked at seeing her.

Rodolfo glanced over at Alejandro, frowning as he noticed just how tense he was. He felt bad, able to see that invisible weight again pressing down on Alejandro’s shoulders. He wished he could do something to soothe him, to make it better but… there was nothing he could do. Not with everyone around.

Rodolfo did remember a porn video he’d seen a while back, when he was trying to research… well, sex. He had been a virgin before Alejandro, so he had no fucking clue what he was doing. Thankfully, Alejandro did, so he’d just given up on that. Anyway, it’d had one of the guys under a table, doing… oral things, god Rodolfo was a child, while the other one was in a business meeting.

Rodolfo was definitely very far from comfortable doing that. Why had he even thought about that? He was not willing to even try that and he knew Alejandro wouldn’t be, either.

Rodolfo shook the thought out of his head and looked at his best friend again, wondering what Alejandro was thinking about. A few possibilities ran through his head, but he knew he couldn’t fully know. Alejandro was… a mystery. Rodolfo wished he wasn’t but even after so long of knowing each other, he still found himself questioning everything Alejandro did.

Was Rodolfo a bad friend? He felt like one, sometimes.

Finally, the meeting seemed to end and Rodolfo relaxed, glad. He stood with everyone, but stayed back with Alejandro, not even bothering to pretend like he knew what had gone on in order to converse with anyone else. He was ready to just jump on the plane and go home. He was tired.

Alejandro was gathering up papers, still tense. But, he looked exhausted. When the room was empty, Rodolfo touched his arm, gently, frowning when Alejandro pulled it away. “You need to get better at… at least pretending to pay attention.”

Rodolfo winced at the criticism. “Sorry…” He mumbled, biting the inside of his lip. “I’ll work on it. Did someone say anything?”

“No. But it was noticeable.” Alejandro finished with the papers and slipped them into a briefcase. It was actually more of a laptop case, since Alejandro had commented early on that he thought the click open briefcases were tacky. Which, Rodolfo agreed. But, most of the zip ones were too thick to Alejandro’s taste as well.

So, they’d settled on a simple laptop case. Rodolfo had his own that was more of a backpack style, which he picked up and settled on his back. Alejandro sighed when they were done, turning to him. “No one really pays attention to you, anyway.”

Rodolfo relaxed a little, glad Alejandro didn’t seem too irritated at him. “Sorry, I just… I was thinking about something Valeria said to me.”

“That was a week ago…” Alejandro frowned, leaning back against the table.

Rodolfo winced, again. “Yeah, well, I was thinking about it.” He mumbled, now regretting bringing it up. He turned to leave, but Alejandro stopped him, touching his arm. So, Rodolfo turned back to him, sighing softly.

“What were you thinking about?” Alejandro asked, his tone gentle.

Rodolfo flushed and then dropped his shoulders. “She said I was… still your pet. I don’t understand what she meant by it. I’ve never been your pet.”

Alejandro’s expression changed, hardening. He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. She was trying to get under your skin.” He muttered, shoving past Rodolfo to leave the room.

It worked. Rodolfo quickly followed Alejandro, confused by the change in his expression. “Yeah, but why that, specifically?”

“I don’t know, Rodolfo. I mean, we were inseparable back then. Maybe it has something to do with that.” Alejandro sighed as he stepped into the elevator, practically punching the button for the roof, where they had a heli waiting.

Rodolfo quickly stepped into the elevator with him. He wasn’t sure he accepted Alejandro’s answer. “She also said I was harmless without you. Which isn't true at all. I beat her ass moments before, the only thing that stopped me from really incapacitating her was my own hesitancies.”

“Hesitancies?” Alejandro quickly turned to look at him and Rodolfo cringed into himself, realizing he’d rambled too much.

“More, surprise. I just… I don’t know, I was shocked to see her again. She was our friend, you know?” Rodolfo looked down, picking at his jeans. “I didn’t want to kill her.”

Alejandro sighed and then softened. He touched Rodolfo’s chin, making him look at him. “You’re putting way too much thought into this.” He murmured, his expression gentle again.

Rodolfo dropped his shoulders again. “Yeah…” He agreed, since he probably was. He honestly just wanted it out of his head. But, he quieted for the rest of the elevator ride and followed Alejandro up and out onto the roof.

When they were finally home, he took the papers from Alejandro, not even giving him a chance to ask, and broke off to go to the filing room so they could be out of the way. He knew if they got left on Alejandro’s desk, they’d become a mess that he’d have to deal with the next day, and he really just didn’t want to do that.

As he filed the papers, he rested his head on the filing cabinet again, thinking about… well, Valeria again. He groaned in frustration, lightly hitting his head against the cabinet. This was frustrating.

Alejandro was right, he was putting entirely too much thought into this. Valeria was a bitch, she really was just trying to get under his skin and he had let her. He needed to just shove it out of his mind.

Rodolfo huffed as he finished filing the papers, locking up the cabinet, and then he went back to Alejandro’s office. He had paperwork that he hadn’t finished that morning that he would need to fill out. He knew Alejandro would likely be doing his own work for a bit, so he planned to stay in there and do it.

Rodolfo frowned when he noticed how messy the desk was as he got to Alejandro’s office. He shook his head and went over, leaning over the back of Alejandro’s desk to fix them. Alejandro always had to make such a mess with papers.

He’d always done this, since they were both young. It had driven Alejandro’s teachers insane and had earned Alejandro extra drills and punishments later in the military. Now, it just affected Rodolfo, because Rodolfo had to straighten them.

Reasonably, Rodolfo knew he didn’t have to straighten them, he knew that. He could just leave them for Alejandro to deal with… but he felt bad. Alejandro had enough to worry about without having to straighten papers. It was small, but it was a way Rodolfo felt like he could help. It made him feel useful.

Rodolfo paused when he saw hands appear on either side of him, resting on the desk. He recognized a tattoo on Alejandro’s arm and then closed his eyes at the feeling of hot breath blowing on his neck, flushing slightly.

Then, the right hand was grabbing at Rodolfo’s hips, pulling them back while a mouth pressed hot kisses to the back of his neck. Rodolfo lowered his head a little, so they had access, closing his eyes. “You always get so tense… after meetings…” He murmured, resting his own hands on the desk.

“You always take care of it.” Alejandro’s voice was low, but a purr not a growl. Rodolfo could feel his skin heat up, tingling slightly. That tone had always made him feel desired. It felt closer to love, though it wasn’t quite there yet.

Rodolfo shook his head. “You left the papers a mess on purpose,” he acknowledged. Really, he should have noticed before. They had been just slightly too chaotic. He imagined Alejandro’s hand swiping over them a few times to mess them up just right, in order to lure Rodolfo in to fix them.

And, Rodolfo had fallen right into it. He immediately went and fixed them. He was so predictable, but the idea of Alejandro knowing him well enough to set such a trap had him feeling.. Warm. Like with the lube, Alejandro had taken note of Rodolfo.

He’d seen him.

“Maybe…” Alejandro murmured, which may as well have been a confirmation.

Rodolfo took it as one, regardless. He felt on cloud nine, the euphoria being just enough to maybe give him that feeling of love, or maybe Rodolfo could pretend it was, anyway.

Rodolfo gasped as Alejandro’s left hand moved to feeling up his front, sliding up Rodolfo’s stomach and chest under his hoodie and shirt. The contact made his skin tingle more, only heightening the euphoria until Rodolfo could mistake it for oxytocin, tinting his mind pink.

Alejandro’s hand slid up through the neckline and wrapped around Rodolfo’s neck, pulling him back against him. “Do you know what I want to do to you, sometimes?” Alejandro purred into his ear.

“No…” Rodolfo breathed, pressing his neck more into Alejandro’s hand. “Tell me, Alejandro, please…”

“God, I love when you say my name…” Alejandro’s right hand slipped under Rodolfo’s waist band, feeling under the bit of Rodolfo’s abdomen that stayed tucked under it. “I want to take you apart, piece by piece, until you’re crying for me. You’d want that, wouldn’t you?”

Rodolfo nodded, since he very much would. The pink tint in his brain coated the fact that he’d be unable to be near Alejandro the next several days, it coated that he’d feel so sticky and gross and lonely afterwards. All he wanted was to feel Alejandro, to keep this euphoric-oxytocin drug in his system.

“I thought so…”

Rodolfo gasped when he was pushed down onto the desk, catching himself on his elbows. Alejandro’s hands moved to run over Rodolfo’s back, and Rodolfo pushed his hips back, knocking them against Alejandro, who grred softly.

Then, the phone was ringing and Rodolfo closed his eyes, irritated. Of course it was. He started to push up, but Alejandro just pushed him back down and he frowned, but he complied. He did look back, watching Alejandro reach over and hit the button which would send it straight to voicemail. “It’s 20:00. If it’s important, they will leave a voicemail or call again and Alvarez can pick it up.” Alejandro shrugged, meeting Rodolfo’s eyes.

Rodolfo blushed dark red and then he just melted. “Oh…” He nodded and smiled at Alejandro.

Alejandro watched him for a moment and then his shoulders dropped. “Come on, Rudy.”

“What?” Rodolfo frowned, the euphoria-oxytocin bubble popping. “Why??”

“Calm down,” Alejandro shook his head. He gently pulled Rodolfo up, turning him around and pressing him back against the desk. “I don’t want to do this on my desk tonight. So we’re going back to my quarters.”

“Oh…” Rodolfo relaxed and nodded a little. “Okay…” He smiled again, a little surprised. Alejandro didn’t really have them do that, often, so it was nice when they did. Maybe it made the euphoria-oxytocin return. Maybe it was stronger this time.

Alejandro kissed his jaw before nodding his head in the direction of the door, which Rodolfo immediately headed towards. Alejandro followed close behind, guiding him, gently, to where his quarters were.

Once there, Rodolfo followed Alejandro inside. As always, Rodolfo was taken back by just how empty it was. Just his basic furniture and some things necessary for living. That was… it. Rodolfo’s had a few small decorations here and there, but in comparison, it felt like a well furnished apartment.

“Bed, Rudy,” Alejandro gently commanded and so Rodolfo did as told, moving to the bed and settling onto it.

“Why did we move here?” Rodolfo asked. Alejandro had followed him, so he lifted his arms so Alejandro could slide his hoodie off and then his shirt was quick to follow. “You don’t usually want us to come here, together.”

“I’m feeling… soft, I guess. The idea of doing it on my desk just didn’t appeal to me.” Alejandro sighed, shaking his head. “Plus, cleaning off the desk is irritating. And then I have to restraighten everything and- I’d rather just not.”

Rodolfo frowned, now feeling back. “I’m sorry…” he looked away, though his chin was again captured by Alejandro.

Alejandro made him look up at him. “It’s not your fault.”

Rodolfo blushed and tried to look away, again, but Alejandro’s grip was firm. Alejandro’s eyes just drifted down to Rodolfo’s mouth and then his thumb was pressing to it, causing Rodolfo to part his lips without thinking. Then, Rodolfo opened his mouth a little.

Alejandro pressed his thumb inside Rodolfo’s mouth, hooking it to pull his mouth wider open. Rodolfo just looked up at Alejandro, patiently waiting to see what he wanted to do.

Alejandro then pressed two fingers into his mouth, pressing down on his tongue. Rodolfo obediently closed his mouth around them, sucking slightly. Alejandro chuckled and then he shoved his fingers in deeper, making Rodolfo gasp and open his mouth again.

“God, you’re so pretty with the way your body just does everything I want it to do…” Alejandro murmured, making Rodolfo’s skin heat. His body knew how to respond to Alejandro. It begged for direction, most of the time, desperate to know what Alejandro wanted it to do.

Alejandro pulled his fingers from Rodolfo’s mouth and then used the same hand to grab his neck, though he remained gentle. Rodolfo just keened into the touch, keeping his eyes on Alejandro’s, and he leaned his head back as Alejandro’s thumb pushed it.

“I could get you to do whatever I wanted, couldn’t I?” Alejandro continued and then released Rodolfo’s neck.

Rodolfo lifted his head back up, his whole body hot, now. If only you knew how much I would do. I would do everything. “Anything for you…”

Alejandro met his eyes and then he sighed, shaking his head. “No. I couldn’t get you to do anything.” He looked away for a moment and then he was turning back and shoving Rodolfo down.

Rodolfo yelped as he hit the bed, staring up at Alejandro in surprise. Alejandro looked at him with such raw… hurt. He didn’t understand. Alejandro had never brought up this, before. “I’d fuck you every day if you’d let me.” Alejandro sighed.

He then reached down and undid Rodolfo’s jeans, working them down his body. “But every time, you fucking… disappear from me. How is that fair, Rodolfo?”

Rodolfo reached to touch Alejandro’s face, but Alejandro just swatted his hands away.

Rodolfo knew he couldn’t handle this every day. Being used every once in a while was hard enough and being used every single day would be far too much to bear. “I’m… I’m sorry, Ale…” He settled on.

“Yeah, right.” Alejandro snorted, not meeting Rodolfo’s eyes anymore. “Even when you start to come near me, again, I can see it in your eyes. You’re distant. You do look at me.”

Rodolfo looked away, able to see the irony in his action. He knew Alejandro was right, he was distant, even when he returned. He couldn’t help the feeling, though. He couldn’t handle the sticky feeling of being used. He didn’t want to be so distant from Alejandro, this wasn’t a conscious choice!

Rodolfo gasped as his face was sort of harshly grabbed and he was met with a hard gaze from Alejandro as he was made to look at him again. “What do I have to do?” Alejandro’s voice was low and almost threatening, though Rodolfo didn’t feel in any sort of danger.

Rodolfo looked into Alejandro’s eyes and, for just a moment, seriously considered confessing. But… he knew Alejandro wouldn’t give him what he wanted. Rodolfo was so obviously in love with Alejandro, that he didn’t need to say it.

So, Rodolfo used his eyes to look away, staying silent.

Alejandro growled in frustration, though it was less his angry frustration and more the frustration he used to get as a kid when his dad would yell at him, again. Rodolfo could recognize it, immediately, and it spiked his heart.

It almost had him babbling a confession, immediately, just so he wouldn’t contribute to that feeling, anymore.

“You make me batshit.” Alejandro muttered, shaking his head. He grabbed Rodolfo’s throat and pushed him to be fully laying down on the bed. “Stay.”

Rodolfo panted as his neck was released and closed his eyes, grasping at the sheets around him. Anxiety had now started to coil around his heart, squeezing slightly. Alejandro yanked his boxers down a moment later and then he was shoving his fingers inside him, not giving Rodolfo a warning.

Rodolfo’s eyes flashed open as he cried out, looking up at Alejandro. Alejandro barely reacted, though, just reaching under his head and grabbing his hair, harshly. Then, he lifted him up, attacking his neck.

Rodolfo gasped and whimpered, overwhelmed by everything as Alejandro both worked him open and relentlessly bit his neck. Rodolfo prayed he was being conscious about marks. “Alejandro- Alejandro please-” Rodolfo pleaded, reaching up to try to pull at Alejandro’s head.

Alejandro, thankfully, released his neck, though he kept his hand in his hair. Instead, he lifted up slightly and watched Rodolfo’s face as he fucked his fingers in and out of him. Rodolfo could only moan and squirm, not liking to be stared at.

Alejandro only smiled at him, though. “You’re so pretty like this…” He purred before pulling Rodolfo’s head back a little.

Rodolfo whimpered and moaned again, moving his hands so he could grip tightly at the sheets, digging his nails into them. “Please-” He whined, bucking his hips onto Alejandro’s fingers, needing more but also needing less.

“Shh…” Alejandro cooed, lifting his chin slightly and making the angle of him looking down at Rodolfo more extreme. Rodolfo cried, softly, getting desperate. It wasn’t enough, but too much at the same time.

Finally, Alejandro was pulling his fingers out and moving off of the bed. Rodolfo just panted and closed his eyes, his body starting to relax slightly, though he was reluctant to let it relax too much.

Alejandro climbed up onto the bed and dragged Rodolfo up onto his knees. Rodolfo opened his eyes again, half surprised by the motion, but then Alejandro was roughly pushing into him and so he was tensing, crying out.

Alejandro dragged his nails down Rodolfo’s chest, giving him barely a moment before roughly starting to fuck in and out of him. The pain mixed with pleasure and Rodolfo found himself arching his back with every other thrust, moaning loudly.

Alejandro grabbed Rodolfo’s throat again, pushing him down into the bed. “Look at me.” Rodolfo did as told, meeting Alejandro’s eyes. He had no idea in his head of disobeying the order, this time. “I make you feel like this. Me.”

Rodolfo’s skin turned dark red and he nodded, crying out at a particularly sharp thrust. “You do, Ale- Alejandro.” He didn’t even have to lie. One thing the sex had never been was bad. God, it was one of the reasons Rodolfo hated himself for giving in so fucking much! He wanted it so fucking bad. He craved it.

“You make me feel good…” He whimpered, crying out again as Alejandro practically slammed into him. “You tear me apart and I want it so bad…”

“Exactly-” Alejandro snarled, using his hand around Rodolfo’s throat to lift him up. “And only I do, right?”

Rodolfo immediately nodded, leaning his head back to press more into Alejandro’s hand. “Only you, Alejandro…”

Alejandro dropped him back down on the bed and then grabbed his waist with both hands, moving so he could slam deeper and deeper inside Rodolfo’s body. Rodolfo could feel him deep within his insides and he didn’t want the feeling to end. “Fuck-” he cried, arching his back high.

“Good boy,” Alejandro half laughed, panting softly. “You moan so pretty for me…” he murmured as he dug his nails into Rodolfo’s waist. Rodolfo almost hoped he would break the skin, leave a permanent scar but Rodolfo could only imagine the ramifications of that action. “What’s my name, Rudy?”

“Alejandro, fuck!” Rodolfo slammed his fists into the bed, squeezing his eyes shut. It was too much, entirely too much, and Rodolfo would lose his mind if Alejandro stopped. He was already pretty close to losing his mind to the pleasure.

“Good boy,” Alejandro nodded and then reached down to stroke Rodolfo’s cock. That was all it took to send him over the edge, entirely without warning.

Alejandro’s hand was then slamming over his mouth before he could scream, which Rodolfo did, probably louder than he ever had in bed. Alejandro kept going, causing Rodolfo to whimper from the stinging overstimulation.

It was, thankfully, only a few moments and then Alejandro was pushing his cock deep inside as he came as well. Both panted in sync and Rodolfo threw his arm over his face, needing a moment to recover.

Alejandro pulled out and Rodolfo relaxed, finally, his body feeling relieved. He went to lift up, a moment later, but Alejandro shoved him back down. “No.” Alejandro sighed. Rodolfo uncovered his face and frowned, looking up at him. “You can disappear in the morning.”

Rodolfo paused before just melting and nodding. “Okay…”

Alejandro relaxed and smiled, “come on, I want to shower.”

Rodolfo quickly nodded, wanting nothing more than to shower, and got up, wincing at the soreness and wobble of his legs. Oh god, he disliked this feeling, greatly. He tried to remember how to walk, glancing over and seeing Alejandro was trying very hard not to appear smug. Asshole.

Alejandro just looked away from him, his expression appearing innocent. “Proud of yourself?” Rodolfo sighed, finally managing to stand fully.

“Maybe.” Alejandro shrugged before offering an arm. Rodolfo flushed and looked at it, maybe for a moment too long, because Alejandro shook it slightly. Rodolfo then accepted it, letting Alejandro lead him to the bathroom.

Once there, Alejandro turned on the water and Rodolfo waited for it to get hot enough. When it was, he stepped into it and turned the water up higher on instinct.

Alejandro had watched him and he stuck his hand under the water, before quickly yanking it back and cursing. “Fuck, Rudy! Is this how hot you normally take showers??”

Rodolfo blushed, but then he couldn’t help laughing. “No, actually I usually go hotter.”

Alejandro stared at him and then shook his head. “You scare the shit out of me, sometimes,” he groaned as he turned the water down.

Rodolfo managed to suppress a whine, not liking when the water wasn’t almost scalding. He didn’t feel like he got clean enough unless it felt like he was boiling alive. He still felt sticky and coated and gross.

Alejandro got in once the water had cooled and then he was immediately grabbing his loofah. Rodolfo recognized it as one he’d bought for Alejandro, from a large pack of them. Then, it was coated in body wash, another thing Rodolfo remembered buying for Alejandro.

That euphoric oxytocin was back, overwhelming Rodolfo’s senses. Not that he minded, of course. No, in fact, he sank deep into the feeling. Alejandro had liked two things he’d picked for him so much he regularly used them. He wondered if Alejandro thought of him when he bought a new bottle of the body wash.

Then, Alejandro turned to him and started to scrub his skin gently, and Rodolfo’s heart fluttered. This was amazing… He closed his eyes and leaned into the wall, trying not to just melt from the sensation.

“Do you still have to take two showers a day?” Alejandro asked, after a moment. He met Rodolfo’s eyes, looking down at him as he ran the loofah over his shoulders. Rodolfo flushed and went to look away, surprised when Alejandro didn’t stop him, this time.

“Not anymore,” Rodolfo admitted. “Sometimes I can get away with a day or two if I just ignore it.”

“I keep telling you, that’s not normal.” Alejandro furrowed his brows. He looked at Rodolfo with genuine concern and Rodolfo wasn’t sure how he was supposed to deal with that. The oxytocin started to overwhelm his brain and he found it hard to breathe.

Rodolfo let Alejandro turn him around and he braced against the wall while Alejandro scrubbed his back. “I guess… I try not to think about it.” He shrugged, closing his eyes again.

“Is that how you handle everything, now?” Rodolfo didn’t manage to stop a flinch from the bitterness in Alejandro’s tone.

Rodolfo bit the inside of his lip and then his shoulders sank. “I… It’s easier than wasting time worrying about things I can’t fix.”

“You could fix them. If you put any effort into taking care of yourself.”

Rodolfo furrowed his brows and opened his eyes, turning to look at Alejandro again. “I do take care of myself… I… I just… there’s other, more important things.”

“Like what?” Alejandro sighed, now scrubbing his own body. Rodolfo went to reach for the loofah, but Alejandro just swatted his hand away.

Rodolfo dropped his shoulders. “Like you.” He mumbled.

Alejandro rolled his eyes and then he went silent. Rodolfo watched him for a moment before turning away. He rinsed his body off and then washed his hair, trying to get through this as quickly as possible.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, the oxytocin finally fully draining from his body. He left the bathroom, not getting a response from Alejandro, and dried himself off in the main part of the room. Despite just getting out of the shower, he felt sticky and his body felt heavy and he knew if he stayed for too long, he’d start crying in front of Alejandro and he really didn’t want to do that.

So, he practically yanked his clothes back on and left before he even heard the water turn off.

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More? - Chapter 12

"Rodolfo couldn’t. He was desperate to, terrified Alejandro would make good on his promise if he didn’t but… god, he was so tired. He was ready to finally just sleep for once. “I love you…” He mumbled and this body just felt peace. He’d finally done it. He’d finally said it.

“Rodolfo, I… Please… I love you too… Please just stay…”

“Rodolfo please…”

“Rodolfo I love you, please…”"

--

Their last six days of vacation had been spent with little event. Alejandro fixed up some things that needed to be done around the ranch and Rodolfo existed with little to no expectation. They didn’t have sex, but that wasn’t too shocking.

Instead, Rodolfo would rest on the couch and then Alejandro would be there, laying on him or grabbing him and pulling him into his lap. Or Rodolfo would be in the kitchen, cooking himself or both of them something, and Alejandro was there, his arms around his waist and swaying them both to romantic music that Alejandro insisted on having playing in the background.

They’d play cards at the coffee table and when Alejandro would lose, he’d pout and demand a kiss as a consolation for losing. When he’d win, he’d demand one in reward for winning. Rodolfo gladly gave them, he enthusiastically gave them.

And, each night, Rodolfo slept in Alejandro’s bed, not the guest bed. Alejandro had been rather insistent on that one, even if Rodolfo didn’t need to be convinced. They woke up in the mornings tangled together, unable to differentiate their own bodies without moving them.

Even still, there was worry in the back of Rodolfo’s mind. Fear that they were going to revert as soon as they went back. Why wouldn’t they? Alejandro didn’t love them, this wasn’t love. He wasn’t sure what it was and maybe he could allow himself to delusionally call it love but… his heart wasn’t ready for that step, yet.

But then they returned to work and it didn’t end.

Returning to work had been difficult, Rodolfo would admit. Even without the fear of going back to strained, tense neutrality hanging over his head, it was hard to come off of vacation. Paperwork and stresses and the cartel… All of it loomed over him like a heavy cloud he wasn’t ready to have to acknowledge, yet.

But, Rodolfo had returned. He’d returned first, since they had a day between them, and for the first part of his day, he’d been borderline lethargic, just taking beginning of year paperwork to his office and starting to take care of it.

But, then, around 11:00, he’d felt a little buzz on his wrist. It had brightened the world, just a little, and he’d more than happily pressed the corner to send a buzz back. Then he’d gotten a little emoji with heart eyes on his watch and he couldn’t help just melting because Alejandro was a bit of a dork, but he was so so sweet.

And he was so sweet to Rodolfo.

In fact, randomly throughout the day, Rodolfo’s wrist would buzz and it was Alejandro. Whenever he’d press the watch to send a buzz back, he’d receive a random emoji in response, something cute, like a flower or even a bee.

It made Rodolfo’s heart melt into a little puddle of goop each time. He wasn’t even sure he’d ever need love because this was pretty fantastic on its own.

But, again, the next day, he had that same worry that Alejandro was going to revert back to normal. They would continue to be just friends and the sweet little things would stop and Rodolfo would go back to feeling cold every night.

Rodolfo had, again, spent his entire morning with this worry over his head, making him anxious and upset. Then, he’d come over to clear some papers from Alejandro’s desk and Alejandro was tugging him down and kissing him sweetly. He may have groped him just a little, but it was in a way that was clearly meant to be playful and Rodolfo had laughed and swatted him afterwards, receiving a cheeky grin.

Rodolfo knew, then, that things were not back to normal and they probably wouldn’t be for, at least, a small while. He stopped obsessively straightening papers, he didn’t find himself spiraling when Alejandro’s tone was slightly off. Slight sadness didn’t have a one hundred percent chance of breaking him down into a full depressive episode.

Instead, he would go to Alejandro when bad feelings got brought up. He wasn’t comfortable enough to share his bad feelings, but he would let Alejandro distract him with soft words and touches, kisses and occasionally paperwork. Or memories from their childhood.

Of course… bad feelings never fully go away. They just evolve. Sleepless nights turned into night terrors. Alejandro still would get angry and it was never even necessarily at Rodolfo and he’d find himself terrified that this would be the thing that rips Alejandro away from him.

If they went too long without talking, his mind started to tell him that it was over. The domestic almost love was ending and they were going to revert back to before. That he was losing Alejandro and Alejandro would return to just ignoring him, only coming to him when he needed something.

But, then, it would go away at night. Alejandro would find some excuse, every night, as to why he had to sleep in Rodolfo’s bed. Every night it was something new (and honestly usually very silly) but Rodolfo didn’t mind it at all. Half the time, Alejandro would just come in and manhandle him into a cuddling position and he’d immediately feel better. Secure.

Maybe it wasn’t love, yet. Maybe they weren’t romantic. But Alejandro was making it pretty clear that he wanted Rodolfo and Rodolfo was willing to accept that. Rodolfo could settle with this, if he wasn’t allowed to have anything else. He could.

-

Rodolfo nodded at the bartender as he ordered his drink, which was just a soda. Alejandro was being dropped off by Alvarez, who was going to a separate bar to apparently meet up with a date. Some young woman she hadn’t shut up about since securing it. That meant he’d have to drive them back.

Honestly, he didn’t mind too much about Alvarez’s rambling. He’d had a rough week so her occasionally repeating the same details about the date had been a welcome distraction.

Actually, the week had been stressful for both him and Alejandro. It was the last week of January and it had been… not good. More of the Drug Raids had been busts than successful and they’d lost several recruits in the process. This had gotten Alejandro progressively worked up, which had led to that morning when they’d had a fight.

Not as big as they used to, granted, but… it’d been bad enough that Rodolfo had found himself feeling gross and sticky afterwards. In fact, his hair was still slightly damp from a shower. So, Alejandro had, very nicely all points considered, asked if they could go out that night. Reset, since it was Saturday.

Rodolfo had decided it was probably a good idea, though neither were planning to really drink. Alejandro was finally starting to admit he may have a slight problem, so they’d decided no alcohol that night. He was just hoping for a pleasant night that they could relax on.

However, Alejandro was slightly late. He was supposed to get there before Rodolfo, though not by much, but Rodolfo had already arrived and he was not there. He was doing his best not to get super anxious, telling himself that Alejandro wouldn’t stand him up. Maybe Alvarez was the late one.

It wasn’t in Alejandro’s character to just stand him up. Even when Alejandro was his less than thoughtful self, he had usually let Rodolfo know he wasn’t going to be somewhere, because Alejandro hated when others just did that.

However, what the brain knew, the heart did not, so he was anxious anyway, tapping his fingers on the bar as he waited for his drink.

“Hey, alone?” Rodolfo frowned as he heard someone speak and looked over, greeted with a slightly tall man, though not as tall as Alejandro, who was wearing a blue shirt and black jeans. He was leaning against the bar, clearly trying to be flirty.

Rodolfo shook his head. “No, I’m waiting for my friend.” Rodolfo could not handle flirty situations, he was not good with them. So, he was internally willing the bartender to hurry up. He knew it was busy and they seemed to have several drinks, so he wasn’t too irritated, just praying they would hurry.

“Ah, I see. Just saw you up here and thought I would regret it if I didn’t come say hello.” The stranger continued. “You seemed lonely.”

“I’m not, don’t worry.” Rodolfo smiled, awkwardly. “Just waiting on someone.” He knew if didn’t be polite, he’d probably be told off for being rude, so he just continued to smile and pray they would just go away or his drink would finish and he could leave.

However, thankfully, it just went silent and he looked down at the bar, tapping his fingers again. God, where was Alejandro? Thankfully, the bartender finally handed him his drink, apologizing, and he just shook his head, getting out cash to pay for it.

“So, your friend is taking a while, huh?”

Rodolfo looked up at the ceiling, having been about to sip his drink. He closed his eyes and took in a breath, about to turn and tell them off. However, before he got the chance, he was being shoved behind someone.

“He’s not interested, back off.” Rodolfo relaxed at hearing Alejandro’s voice and relaxed, glaring around him at the stranger.

“My bad, sorry.” The stranger raised his hands, defensively, and then finally turned and walked away.

Then, Alejandro turned and gently nudged Rodolfo to a table, which Rodolfo gladly moved to. However, as they sat down, he noticed Alejandro seemed very tense, occasionally glaring across the bar at the stranger.

Alejandro shook his head. “Assholes. Sorry I’m late, Alvarez decided, last minute, that her outfit wasn’t good enough and it apparently became this whole conundrum so I had to sit and help her find an outfit.”

Rodolfo couldn’t help laughing softly. “It’s alright, I’m just glad you’re here, now.” He noticed Alejandro was wearing the jacket he’d gotten him and that made him feel all soft inside.

“So am I. I regret sending you alone.” Alejandro glared across the bar again and Rodolfo couldn’t help blushing. Was… Alejandro jealous? There was no way. Alejandro had never gotten jealous when Rodolfo had been flirted with, before.

Granted, not many examples came to mind. Rodolfo wasn’t usually the type to figure that stuff out until later, not during the actual event. However, even still, Alejandro was acting fairly pissed. “Are you okay?” He asked, tentatively.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine.” Alejandro looked at him again and then shook his head. “About to break someone’s fucking nose if they glance back at you again.”

Alejandro was jealous. Rodolfo’s heart skipped a beat. He was jealous because someone had flirted with Rodolfo. Oh, what was this new feeling? “You look upset,” he smiled, unable to help how happy he was.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Alejandro accused, clearly teasing, and Rodolfo had to duck his head, embarrassed.

“Maybe a little.” Rodolfo admitted. This was new… No one had ever been jealous over him. Certainly not Alejandro, who he most wanted to be. The idea of Alejandro being… well possessive over him had him high in the clouds, soaring.

Alejandro, however, just shrugged. “I’m not afraid to admit that I did not like the way they looked at you. Maybe I’m being possessive, but I like to think I’ve claimed you. You’re mine.”

Rodolfo’s face went dark red and his hands had to grip at the edges of his seat. That made his stomach flip in odd ways. Fuck, Alejandro really knew how to get to him in the best ways. He looked down at his drink, biting his lip hard. Then, he gasped and had to release it as pain and the taste of blood filled his mouth. “Ow…” He winced, relaxing.

Alejandro frowned and took Rodolfo’s face, touching his lip with his thumb. Rodolfo winced at the light pain it caused. “You need to be more careful.”

“Sorry.” Rodolfo mumbled, swallowing as Alejandro ran his thumb over his lip and then let his face go. Rodolfo leaned back again, trying to get a handle on his blush. “You shouldn’t make those comments in public. What if someone hears?”

“I could care less, anymore.” Alejandro shrugged. “What are they gonna do? I’ll just beat their ass. The higher ups had made it clear that we are on our own, so I will have little to no repercussions, if they even find out who I am.”

“Wait, what?” Rodolfo frowned, sitting up immediately. “What do you mean?”

Alejandro sighed and shrugged. “They’re saying Las Almas is a lost cause. We are on our own. They’ll still factor in our budget and occasionally approve repairs, but they’re no longer sending us recruits or taking any. If they enlist in Las Almas, they will remain in Las Almas. They called me on actual fucking Christmas. Said they were sorry to inform me. We are still required to do the paperwork, and to Las Almas we are still a unified front but… they’re abandoning us in every other regard. Of course, they didn’t exactly say that. Just… listed off exactly what they would not be doing, anymore. Merry Christmas, I fucking guess.”

Rodolfo frowned, unsure how to feel about this. “They can’t just do that. There’s gotta be laws or… something. They can’t just leave Las Almas to the dogs.”

“They can. It’s… honestly fucking stupid, how.” Alejandro shook his head. “Because there’s still a line of communication and they’ll still be doing things here and there, they can get away with it. It’s bullshit, but I can’t do anything about it.”

Rodolfo went quiet. He wondered if that’s why Alejandro had changed. Had he just… stopped caring? He wouldn’t complain, he was getting what he wanted, but this news about Las Almas was earth shattering. “What if the cartel spreads?”

“It won’t.” Alejandro shrugged. “They’ve made it clear they plan to stay in Las Almas.”

Rodolfo was quiet. “Fuck.” He sighed. “Well, I guess it’s just up to us now.”

Alejandro was quiet and then he relaxed, smiling. “I guess it is.”

Rodolfo looked back down at his drink, now regretting choosing not to drink anything. But, he was going to stick to it. So, he just leaned back in his seat and sighed, softly. Nevermind, fuck this. He shook his head. “I’m getting something stronger, do you want anything?”

Alejandro nodded. “Just a soda.”

Rodolfo nodded a bit, grateful. He did not have the capacity to keep an eye on both of their drinking that night. So, he went up to the bar, getting himself a much stronger drink and Alejandro’s soda. The bartender was much faster this time and so Rodolfo was able to quickly sit back down.

Alejandro thanked him for his drink when it was handed to him and Rodolfo just nodded, taking a drink of his own. “I haven’t told the rest of Los Vaqueros yet… I’m… honestly not sure how.”

Rodolfo shook his head. “Don’t. I.. morale is so low, already… I worry what will happen. Just don’t for now. We can tell them, eventually.” He reached over and took Alejandro’s hand. “We’ll tell them together.”

Alejandro looked down at their hands before softening and nodding. “Together. Always together.”

“Always together.” Rodolfo agreed.

Rodolfo ended up only having the one drink before both decided they were tired and wanted to go home. However, Alejandro ended up driving. Rodolfo still wasn’t entirely sure how Alejandro convinced him on that one, because his nerves were shot. Every bump, every swerve… “I should have just driven…” He mumbled.

“Absolutely not.” Alejandro laughed, shaking his head and finally parking at base. “Your drink was 90% alcohol.”

Rodolfo made a face. “I think that I still could have missed half of the potholes rather than none. You know, you’d think the cartel would put some effort into fixing potholes considering they want to act like they’re trying to help the people or whatever.”

Alejandro chuckled, softly, and got out of the truck, answering once Rodolfo was also out. “They’d have to be actually trying to help the people, though.”

Rodolfo shook his head, sighing softly, and following Alejandro into the base. “I suppose I can’t complain too hard about your driving… We made it back in one piece.”

“Exactly!” Alejandro grinned. They made it to Alejandro’s quarters and Rodolfo smiled when Alejandro pushed open his door, looking at Rodolfo. It wasn’t an order, it was a question. Rodolfo didn’t have to answer it, he could go back to his own quarters. But, Rodolfo went in, anyway.

Why wouldn’t he?

-

Rodolfo panted as he finally made it up the stairs, rushing out the door and onto the roof. This time, thankfully, Alejandro wasn’t there not because he just didn’t follow, but because Rodolfo had been faster than him. It was amazing what getting enough sleep did to the body.

“Fuck…” He breathed, taking a moment as the light hitting the roof almost blinded him, causing him to have to shield his eyes with the back of his arm. He saw the man he’d been tailing leap over the edge of the roof and he quickly ran over, his stomach turning at seeing his body on the ground beneath them, his limbs at odd angles.

Immediately, he whipped around, praying that at least Valeria had stayed on the roof. Sure enough, he saw her straight across the roof, looking over it. He knew Valeria well enough to know she wasn’t that risky or that suicidal. The fact she’d even ran to the roof was shocking enough to him.

“Valeria!” He called, “you’re trapped! Just give up so we can both call this a fucking day!” He was irritated. He didn’t want to have to fight her again, he just wanted to arrest her so they could question her and then maybe she��ll just disappear, Rodolfo hadn’t fucking decided yet. “You and I both know you’re not jumping.”

Valeria slowly turned to him. Even at this distance, he could make out a scheme in her eyes. He didn’t like that look on her face, it had never ended well for them. It ended with them running from guard dogs after some failed plot she had cooked up. It ended with extra drills because she ran her fucking mouth after she just had to tell the funny joke she’d thought up.

She smiled, putting her hands up, her gun in her left. “I guess you’re right, Rodolfo! Even if you don’t get me, Alejandro is on way up here now, and I surely can’t fight the two of you on my own!”

Rodolfo frowned, knowing this was too easy. Valeria wouldn’t give up like this. Not the Valeria he knew. No, she was scheming and he had the feeling he was going to bear the brunt of it. However, he still moved forward to make the arrest.

Before he could even take three steps, Alejandro was bursting onto the roof, his eyes meeting Rodolfo’s. Valeria’s gun pointed at his back, immediately, and Rodolfo panicked, backing up and stopping. “Valeria-” he warned.

Alejandro stopped and closed his eyes, his mind clearly catching up to the situation. Rodolfo quickly turned his own eyes to Valeria and she was grinning. He wasn’t sure if he could say this was according to plan or not, but they’d just given her an ace card somehow, and he wasn’t sure if he could gather his own fast enough.

“Valeria, don’t do this.” Alejandro’s voice was even, the exact distance between them that both Rodolfo and Valeria would be able to hear him perfectly. “Just give yourself up.”

“We both know that won’t be happening!” Valeria laughed. “Hello, Alejandro. It’s been such a long time.” She sneered, shaking her head. “I thought you might have forgotten about me.”

“How could I?” Alejandro clenched his jaw, opening his eyes again and meeting Rodolfo’s. Rodolfo wasn’t sure he could remember how to breathe. He knew she couldn’t shoot Alejandro, how could she? She wouldn’t… right?

“I think you’re right, I’m rather hard to forget.” Valeria shrugged. Rodolfo tried to plead with his eyes for her not to do this, afraid to speak or he’d say the wrong thing.

Alejandro snorted. “Like a rotten tooth.” He muttered. “It was relieving to have you gone.”

“Always so poetic. Do you use this poetry on Rudy?” Valeria taunted, stepping forward and putting her gun right on Alejandro’s back. She muttered something to him and Rodolfo could see Alejandro’s face light up with rage before she was laughing and backing up again.

Rodolfo didn’t find himself curious about what she’d said, he didn’t care. He just wanted her to stop pointing her fucking gun at him. “Valeria! This isn’t smart,” he pleaded, not caring if it made him sound pathetic. He was desperate, pathetically desperate. “You’d be killing a Colonel, you know that’d be stupid.”

“You’re right.” Valeria nodded, her eyes moving to meet Rodolfo’s. Rodolfo didn’t relax for a second at her admission, however, knowing her better than this. Somehow, they were following a script she’d cooked up in her mind, playing right into what she wanted. “But, if I don’t take him down, somehow, he’ll follow me. I can evade Alejandro when he’s distracted.”

Neither Rodolfo nor Alejandro responded. Rodolfo failed to see how putting a bullet in Alejandro’s back could possibly be distracting him… He clenched his hand tighter around his gun, watching her as she sighed, shaking her head. “I know killing Alejandro Vargas isn’t intelligent. Killing a Colonel would be… a crime, sure. One I could potentially avoid jail time for with the right lawyer, which I have. But… Killing Alejandro Vargas? That’s a death sentence. You’d have my head swinging back with a bullet before I even pulled the trigger.”

Rodolfo’s frown only deepened. Valeria didn’t think he was harmless, then… He’s not a threat without Alejandro. Why would she say so, then? Why say he was harmless? He turned a glare towards her, pulling all of the venom and vitriol out of his body and forcing it onto his face. “You’re right.” He shook his head. “I would! So just put the gun down, don’t fucking do this.”

Valeria laughed, the same laugh she’d given when she was taunting him that night he’d been kidnapped. “I won’t, don’t worry. Alejandro doesn’t have a gun on me. You do.”

Right as Rodolfo’s mind made the connect, he was already hit. The impact jerked him back as the bullet tore into him. He stumbled back, his foot catching on the ledge of the roof and then there was no roof, only air. The only thought in his mind as he fell was Alejandro and his name tore out of his mouth, meeting his own name being screamed right back at him.

Alejandro didn’t even look at Valeria, throwing himself forward and catching Rodolfo’s outstretched arm. Rodolfo still swung down, his body slamming into the side of the building with such impact that Rodolfo was half convinced he’d fallen anyway, somehow.

A scream of pain tore through his body as he realized the arm Alejandro had grabbed was the shoulder that had been shot, his left shoulder. The scream took what little oxygen hadn’t been taken from him hitting the building, the fall taking what feeling he had in his arm. His side burned, he could feel that, but there was nothing past his shoulder.

Everything slowed.

He couldn’t pull air into his lungs,

He couldn’t move.

He could only turn his eyes downward at the man that lept.

His body was still in odd angles and a red puddle surrounded his body.

That could have been him.

“Rodolfo!” Alejandro screamed and then time caught back up as he felt Alejandro start to yank him back onto the roof, hoisting him with a fair amount of ease. He gasped in air once his body was flat on the roof. The sun had started to set and so it wasn’t in his eyes. Funny how he noticed that.

He felt like his side was being shred open and he screamed again. “Fuck!”

Alejandro panted and moved to hover over him. “Rodolfo! Are you okay? Don’t answer that.” His fingers felt over the bullet wound, causing Rodolfo to cry out in pain. “Definitely not okay. Just… just stay still.”

He leaned into his radio and Rodolfo tried to focus on not feeling the white hot pain coursing through his body as Alejandro called for medics to the roof. Rodolfo looked into Alejandro’s eyes, seeing tears there. He wondered if it was from exertion or the fact Rodolfo had almost just died.

Rodolfo closed his eyes, gasping when he was suddenly jerked. “No, keep your eyes open.” Alejandro commanded and Rodolfo opened his eyes, immediately. He was unable to tell Alejandro no, even in this state. Even when he was dying.

Of course he was dying, there was no way he wasn’t. Alejandro wouldn’t be so panicked, otherwise.

Rodolfo met Alejandro’s eyes and he smiled, glad Alejandro cared that he was dying. He knew that was a cruel fear to have but… he feared it. Alejandro cared, though… Rodolfo felt so happy about it.

Cold seeped over his body and he curled up to Alejandro, seeking his warmth as he shivered. “Alejandro… I… I need to sleep…”

“No, no, you need to stay awake. Someone is coming up. Just stay awake, okay? Stay awake for me, please, mi Luna…” Alejandro’s hand was on Rodolfo’s face and Rodolfo whimpered, thinking that wasn’t fair. Alejandro knew that nickname got Rodolfo to do whatever he wanted. “Please, Rodolfo… Please…”

Rodolfo wanted to cry. “I… I’m so tired…”

Alejandro shook his head, leaning down and kissing Rodolfo deeply. Rodolfo melted into the kiss, the cold waning just a little. When Alejandro pulled away, Rodolfo saw tears rolling down his face and he couldn’t help feeling guilty for them. Alejandro was clearly so afraid… “Please, mi Luna. Stay awake. Don’t leave me…”

Rodolfo reached up with his good arm, cupping Alejandro’s face. He didn’t want Alejandro to be sad, anymore. “Sh…” He murmured. “I’ll see you wherever we end up, right?” He looked up at Alejandro, wiping his tears with his thumb.

Alejandro shook his head. “No- No! Rodolfo, don’t you dare fucking leave me. I will through myself right off that fucking ledge. I go where you fucking go. I told you! I. told. you. I cannot survive without my fucking moon. So don’t you fucking dare leave me.”

“Don’t…” Rodolfo pleaded, shaking his head. “Alejandro, please don’t… Mi Sol, stay…” His strength was waning, he couldn’t hold on much longer. He was trying, he was so desperate for Alejandro not to follow him.

“Rodolfo! Fuck, where are they?!” Alejandro shook Rodolfo, making Rodolfo cry in pain. “Keep your eyes open!”

Rodolfo couldn’t. He was desperate to, terrified Alejandro would make good on his promise if he didn’t but… god, he was so tired. He was ready to finally just sleep for once. “I love you…” He mumbled and this body just felt peace. He’d finally done it. He’d finally said it.

“Rodolfo, I… Please… I love you too… Please just stay…”

“Rodolfo please…”

“Rodolfo I love you, please…”

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More? Chapter 7

It had been a typical mission. Rodolfo had woken up early for it. He’d made himself coffee and then made Alejandro one as well. He’d went to the briefing room and gave the coffee to Alejandro, listened to him brief everyone, received his orders and then they’d headed out.

Oh, Rudy… you should know better than that.

--

It had been a typical mission. Rodolfo had woken up early for it. He’d made himself coffee and then made Alejandro one as well. He’d went to the briefing room and gave the coffee to Alejandro, listened to him brief everyone, received his orders and then they’d headed out.

Arriving had been fairly easy, too. They’d surrounded the area and then started to arrest people as they fled and went in and arrested those that were still inside. In fact, as the mission went on, Rodolfo found himself growing more and more optimistic that the mission would go smoothly.

Oh, Rudy… you should know better than that.

Two of them had managed to get past them and of course Alejandro had barked at him to follow them, but he’d had to go off in the opposite direction after a different person. So now, Rodolfo was chasing two morons through the woods and starting to seriously consider a career change.

This was fucking annoying and Rodolfo looked forward to the notice saying he had to take his vacation time. He would take it gladly and with no hesitation this year. Look, he knew people were going to run when threatened, but could it not be the people they needed to apprehend?

He was able to keep a steady pace, not allowing any more distance between them, but also not able to gain any. However, he knew they had to wear out, eventually, so he stayed pursuing them. It seemed years of pursuing endurance training had paid off because, thanks to the decent amount of sleep he’d been getting lately, he wasn’t even tired yet.

More just annoyed as fuck, but that was a permanent state of being for him, if he was honest. Finally, one seemed to slow down, and he huffed in relief. One was enough. If he could get them down, then he could track the other. They were running up the mountain into nothing, he would get them, eventually.

He sped up a little as the one slowed, finally able to gain ground on them. When he was close enough, he tackled them, not even giving them the chance to fight back as he slammed them into the ground and very quickly put his knee between their shoulder blades.

“Get the fuck off me.”

“No.” Rodolfo bound their hands together and then started to search their pockets, shaking his head as he found a little white bag of powder. He just huffed a laugh, panting a little, and turned to his radio. “Colonel Vargas, come in. This is Sergeant Major Parra. One has been apprehended, the other is still on foot. I will be continuing active pursuit and have placed a tracker on the first. He has been subdued.”

He put a bind on their foot and then stuck the tracker on their back, patting them.

They immediately started to struggle again. “Woah, woah, Sergeant-”

“Sergeant Major.” Rodolfo corrected, rolling his eyes.

“Sergeant Major, you can’t leave me here alone! What if a bear comes??” They struggled to look at him and Rodolfo just laughed, softly, knowing that was very unlikely. “I mean it! I’m defenseless!”

“Play dead.” Rodolfo shrugged, crouching down. “Don’t move, amigo. You may rustle unwanted attention.” He then pat their shoulder.

“ A retrieval team is being sent, Parra. Retreat in 0100 hours if other has not been apprehended.”

Rodolfo smiled. “See? You’ll be just fine.” He told them and then stood, ignoring their calls as he turned to the direction of the other. After a moment, though, they just became irritating. “Yelling may grab the attention of wolves.”

That shut them up, immediately, and they looked in the direction of the trees and swallowed. “You chose to run in this direction.” Rodolfo reminded, earning a glare. But, he just shook his head and headed in the direction of the other’s footsteps. He sent an affirmative back over the radio once he found the trail.

He tracked the footsteps deep into the woods. The leaves made it difficult, but he continued, tracking their broken branches as well. He did notice, after a bit, that they seemed to have twisted their ankle as the pattern changed to indicate that.

Thank god, they’d be much easier to track, especially if they stopped to take a breather. Rodolfo didn’t pursue them too quickly, trying to save his own stamina, since he didn’t want to wear himself out too quickly.

Even if he only had maybe an hour to track them, though he planned to ignore that. He noticed their trail start to slow a little, the footsteps indicating the change in pace. This just relieved him more. That’s it, just take a break so I can arrest you and we can all call it a day.  

The leaves were making it more and more difficult, but Rodolfo stuck to the trail, since he kept finding their foot pattern there and he decided they’d likely be smart enough to keep to a trail.

If he had come up this way, it was unlikely he knew the mountain well, as it only led to more woods. Rodolfo did know this area fairly well, in fact the tree pattern made him sick to his stomach looking at.

As soon as the thought took root in his head, he had to stop, assaulted with images of rotting meat. The taste… maggots… And the cold, the overwhelming cold. He shook it off, no he was busy, he couldn’t think about that.

Then, it started to rain. “Fuck.” He cursed, softly. That didn’t sway him, though. He just pulled his hood up, took a deep breath, and kept going. He was confident he would find them, eventually. He had to. He would.

So, he continued up the trail. He didn’t want to go too far, if he saw that cabin, he would probably have a breakdown, but… If he had to, he would.

But, then the thunder started and Rodolfo realized they were in for a pretty heavy storm. He huffed in frustration and just stopped. He needed to give up and retreat or Alejandro was going to kill him. It was raining too hard to pick up any tracks, as it was.

He checked the time on his watch, groaning. It’d been nearly two hours, Alejandro was going to kill him. He glanced around to get his bearings and figure out the fastest way back. Then, he finally turned to his radio. “Commander, come in. I am starting to retreat now.”

“ Rodolfo, what the fuck?! I said retreat in 0100 hours, it’s been 0145!”

“I’m coming back now,” he reasserted, turning in the direction he planned to go.

“ Stay stationary, you’ll be retrieved. Goddamnit, Rodolfo.”

“Unnecessary. I can find my way back.”

“ Parra. That is an order.”

“Alejandro, I’d really rather not stay in these woods any longer than I have to.” Rodolfo started in the direction he knew was best to go. “I’m already coming back.

“ Rodolfo.”

It was a threat, but Rodolfo wasn’t concerned. He didn’t want to spend any more time in these woods than was necessary, and if that meant defying direct orders. So, he just sighed. “Sir, it’s raining. I am soaked. I know where I am, I can just-”

Rodolfo stopped, hearing a crackling noise nearby. Not like lightning, but more like moving. He quickly turned in the direction of it, narrowing his eyes. But, he saw nothing. “Who’s there?” He called, reaching behind his back to get his gun.

He was startled, a moment later, by his radio. “ Rodolfo, come in! ”

Rodolfo looked around for another moment before shaking his head and answering. “I will be coming back, commander.”

“ Rudy, I swear to fucking god-”

“I am already on my way.”

There was no response and Rodolfo relaxed, continuing to head back. He knew Alejandro likely wouldn’t do much, he’d probably only get a harsh reprimand. So, he would be getting lectured while soaking wet again.

He stopped when he heard the noise again, looking around. But, again, there was nothing. He was getting frustrated by this, whatever it was was playing games and he did not appreciate it.

Before he could open his mouth to call out, however, a bag was placed over his head, sudden and without warning. He struggled, immediately, reaching up and clawing at the bag, before swinging his elbow back. He only hit air, but he didn’t let that deter him, moving to claw at the hands holding it.

The bag was cloth, he could tell from the way the wet fabric clung to his face, but he still couldn’t breathe and that only made him panic harder. He’d been waterboarded before, and the sensation was one he doubted he’d ever forget.

He swung his head back, connecting with something hard. “Fuck!” The hands let go and he immediately ripped the bag off his head before swinging around.

He was immediately greeted with the butt of a gun to his face.

[callsign-bunnie]

Why Can’t I Be More Chapter 5

Alejandro keeps making those demands.

--

It took a week this time. Rodolfo felt guilty for it, he felt pathetic. He could usually just take a few days and avoid Alejandro and… everything would be fine. But it wasn’t this time. Even now, he felt like he was going to throw up at the idea of going into Alejandro’s office and trying to be near him.

He knew that wasn’t fair to Alejandro, he should just be able to handle this, but… he couldn’t. He was trying. He was trying. He was trying… He was trying… He really was. He cried every night from some combination of guilt and frustration.

He didn’t want to have to avoid Alejandro, but every time he tried to even consider going to his office, something dragged him back.

Even with it only being a week, it wasn’t Rodolfo who sought Alejandro out. No, instead, here Alejandro was, grabbing him and shoving him into a maintenance closet. “Where the hell have you been?!”

Rodolfo flinched and pressed back into the shelf. Alejandro didn’t look angry, though, he more looked… frantic. “Doing my duties… I was in my own office.”

“I had stuff for you to do in mine.” Alejandro huffed, releasing him and backing up. “You never came to do them.”

Guilt spiked Rodolfo’s chest. “I had someone grab them. They got done.” He promised, avoiding Alejandro’s eyes. “I made sure everything was done, nothing got neglected, I promise.”

“I don’t care about things being neglected, I care about you not randomly fucking disappearing.” Alejandro jabbed his finger in Rodolfo’s chest. “It’s one thing when you disappear for a day or two. A whole fucking week??”

Rodolfo flinched again and shrank further back, half hitting a shelf. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to, I just-”

“Rodolfo.” Alejandro grabbed his face, making him look at him. “What. Do. I. Have. To. Do??”

Rodolfo tried to move his face out of Alejandro's grip, gasping a little. But, Alejandro’s grasp only became more firm, not letting him look away. So, Rodolfo obeyed and looked into Alejandro’s eyes. They looked so… so… hurt.

The urge to just confess everything, to tell Alejandro exactly how he felt and beg Alejandro to just love him back returned. He wanted to, even if it just meant Alejandro wouldn’t continue to feel hurt by him. But… Rodolfo couldn’t put himself through that. He couldn’t be rejected. He could continue doing this, he couldn’t… be fully rejected by Alejandro.

So, he just shook his head. “I can’t…”

Alejandro stared at him for a moment before letting him go. “Why not?” He asked, pulling away completely.

Rodolfo looked away, again, and again shook his head. He flinched when Alejandro growled. “Fuck!” Alejandro cursed. He looked at Rodolfo, who flinched back, and then he softened. “I… I… Fuck!” He slammed his fist into a nearby shelf. “I’m not a monster.”

“I don’t think you’re a monster!” Rodolfo quickly said, moving forward. But, Alejandro only moved back. “I don’t…”

“No, but you treat me as if I am one.” Alejandro shook his head. “Please, Rudy… Please…”

Rodolfo looked down, feeling so guilty. Alejandro’s touch was a lot gentler this time as he lifted Rodolfo’s chin. “What do I have to do? Please?”

Rodolfo met Alejandro’s eyes for only a moment before he shook his head, again. “I can’t…”

Alejandro’s shoulders dropped and he let go of Rodolfo’s face. “I see.” He furrowed his brows and then he shook his head. “Take whatever time you need.” He turned and left the closet, slamming the door behind him.

For a moment, Rodolfo debated chasing him. He’d hurt Alejandro and he couldn’t handle that. He wanted to go after him, to grab him, and just confess everything and say how sorry he was. But… he just couldn’t.

Things needed to change.

-

A few more days passed. Rodolfo got back to where he felt like he could be around Alejandro again. So, he returned to Alejandro’s office, sitting at his spot and filling out paperwork there. Alejandro seemed almost overjoyed at it, so he’d gladly given Rodolfo things to do.

Then, Alejandro stood too close to him and the sticky almost overwhelmed him. Rodolfo put a little distance between them and Alejandro cursed loudly and left the room. Rodolfo felt bad, almost immediately, but that didn’t stop him from doing it again the next time it happened.

After that, it was pretty obvious things weren’t fully back to normal. Rodolfo would look up from things he was doing to notice that Alejandro was staring rather intensely at him. He’d have to leave the room, himself, because he would feel pried open, examined. He didn’t like that feeling.

Even a few times, Alejandro looked as if he was going to initiate something. A couple times, Rodolfo’s shirt had been off and Alejandro had been halfway to the door to lock it, before he would just shake his head and say he’d changed his mind.

When Rodolfo would ask why, Alejandro would just shrug and say he didn’t want Rodolfo to avoid him again. Rodolfo felt bad for it, but… he couldn’t help it.

Rodolfo hated all of this. He wanted to go completely back to normal, he wanted everything to be okay again. But, he bore it, because he could handle it.

That’s what he told himself, anyway.

[callsign-bunnie]

I've read "why can't i be more?" so many times and yet i still sob whenever re-read it

Yeah, haha, this rewrite has been... um something. See, I didn't cry during the original, like a few things hurt me, but I didn't cry but, I have cried a grand total of four times during this rewrite and I'm not even to the most painful parts so like... :)

[callsign-bunnie]

For angst night, Rudy is in an abusive relationship and Alejandro doesn't notice for a while because he was jealous, but now he finds out and the rest can be up to you.

Love your work btw <3

This one may be kind of heavy on the angst but I'm having a super shit day and wrote this instead of emailing my therapist! Angst Night! I'm doing this as ABO if that's okay. (Trigger warning for literally everything to do with an abusive relationship.)

--

Rodolfo had been so lonely before he met Wayne. He'd been so desperate for love, for courtship. He'd been so dearly in love with Alejandro and he'd felt so lonely for so long that any sort of attention just immediately pulled him in.

It'd been a fast relationship, but Rodolfo hadn't cared. He'd just wanted to be wanted. Wayne was a caring alpha, too. He gave Rodolfo everything he wanted. Time, attention, love, gifts. Anything.

Rodolfo was willing to ignore how angry he got when Rodolfo didn't do something right. Alejandro had gotten angry a few times, too. This was what Rodolfo expected.

He was willing to ignore how possessive Wayne was. Maybe he liked that. Wayne wanted him and he didn't want anyone else wanting him. Yeah, it kind of sucked when he couldn't spend time with Alejandro off missions, as much. But, it was kind of obvious Rodolfo had had feelings for Alejandro that it made sense he'd be uncomfortable with it.

Yeah, Wayne hit him a few times but Rodolfo had been in the military. He could handle it. He was always so sweet, afterwards, so caring. That was more than he'd gotten from anyone else who'd hit him. So, he could handle it.

Maybe Wayne was pushing for him to leave the military, to not re-enlist. But, it made sense. He loved Rodolfo so much and it was so worrying that Rodolfo was on missions all the time and he just wanted him safe and at home.

Sure, Wayne wanted sex when Rodolfo didn't. But, he had needs and Rodolfo was just so pretty and he couldn't help himself. He just wanted Rodolfo so much and could Rodolfo really fault him for being opportunistic and taking it?

Wayne wanted children so bad and Rodolfo didn't but Rodolfo had gotten with him knowing he was a traditional alpha and he should have expected that. Rodolfo was being cruel by holding out on him for that.

Wayne loved him. He really did.

-

Rodolfo stared out into the distance, barely blinking as the helicopter landed. He shifted how he was standing, because if he slouched over too much his ribs would hurt again. They were probably fractured but Rodolfo didn't want to go to the doctor to find out.

So, he'd just taken a fuck ton of pain meds and ignored it. Alejandro perked up beside him as their friends exited the helicopter. They were off duty, so Soap and Ghost had decided to come to Mexico for a few weeks.

The work never ended for Rodolfo and Alejandro, but since they'd reached a very tentative agreement with Valeria... missions had slowed down. So, having them there would be no problem.

Soap didn't even hesitate, running over to hug Rodolfo. Once they'd gotten comfortable with each other, Soap was constantly hugging him and messing with him. Rodolfo had been glad for it, at the time, since he didn't get much affection elsewhere.

Now, Rodolfo just cringed back from it. He'd found himself not really wanting to be touched, anymore. He winced with pain when Soap's arms went right around where one of the bruises were.

Soap moved away, immediately. "Rudy? What's wrong?" He looked very concerned and Rodolfo internally sighed.

"I fell down a short flight of stairs. Bruised myself." He attempted an assuring smile at the other omega, not wanting Soap to remain concerned.

Soap's concern did not waver. He glanced at Alejandro for a moment, his face turning to confusion. "Alright..." He said, after a moment and Rodolfo relaxed, his smile coming easier.

Rodolfo pat Soap's arm. Soap stopped and grabbed his hand, immediately. "What is this??" He touched the ring on Rodolfo's hand and Rodolfo flushed. Right. He kept forgetting they were engaged, now.

"An engagement ring." Rodolfo laughed, like it was obvious. He expected Soap to be excited for him but Soap only frowned. "What?"

"It's been only a year in this relationship. Are you sure you're ready for that?" Soap frowned, glancing up when Ghost finally made it over to them. "Ghost, look."

Ghost raised his eyebrow at the ring. "That was fast."

Rodolfo pulled his hand away from them and frowned. He glanced up to Alejandro, who's face had remained neutral. "I'm not getting younger. If I'm going to get married, I'd like to be married before my forties. Wayne feels the same." Obviously Ghost wouldn't get it. He was an alpha. They didn't have these same feelings towards relationships like omegas do.

And Soap didn't get it because he wasn't like other omegas. He didn't like any of that traditional stuff.

Alejandro's voice was neutral when he spoke up. "They're trying for a baby, too."

Rodolfo turned his head and glared at Alejandro. "I would have liked to have kept that to myself, thanks." Alejandro just shrugged. He'd been super fucking weird about Rodolfo and Wayne lately.

"Rudy! A baby??" Soap frowned deeply. "You always said you didn't want kids."

Rodolfo cringed back. "Why aren't you happy for me?" He mumbled. He hadn't expected them to act like this was such an awful thing.

Soap seemed to hesitate before sighing. "I'm sorry. You're right. I am happy for you, Rudy." He offered a smile and Rodolfo found himself relaxing immediately. "Congratulations on getting engaged."

Rodolfo smiled. "Thank you. Lets head back to base." He got in to drive, waiting for everyone else to get in before starting to drive to the base. He was sure if they'd meet Wayne, they'd like him. They would understand.

Everyone else did. He was so charming to everyone. Everyone loved him. Everyone but Alejandro, but... Alejandro was being weird, anyway.

Alejandro sat in the back with Ghost, so Soap happily climbed in the front. "Are you going to hang out with us?"

"I'm going to try." Rodolfo nodded a bit. "As much as I can."

"Try?" Soap frowned. "Why do you have to try? Surely Wayne will understand. We haven't seen you in four months."

Rodolfo winced. "He likes spending time with me."

"You live together." Soap rolled his eyes. "He could handle you being out for just a little more than you usually are."

Rodolfo was quiet. "Like I said, I'll try." He felt bad because Soap was right. It'd been four months. "I was thinking of seeing if he wanted to get dinner with you guys, tonight, anyway! It could be a double date. Triple, if Alejandro could find someone."

"I'll bring Valeria." Alejandro spoke up.

Rodolfo cringed. Valeria hated Wayne. She'd threatened to make him go missing a few times. Plus, she was an alpha and Wayne had a... traditional view on relationships. "Nevermind, just a double date." He half smiled at Soap.

Soap didn't look like he liked that idea. "Ghost?"

"It's up to you, Johnny." Ghost shrugged.

Soap hesitated. "Alright, if he wants to, we'll come."

Rodolfo relaxed. "I really think you'd like him if you met him."

"Sure." Soap mumbled, looking out the window.

-

Rodolfo had barely managed to convince Wayne to do the double date. It'd been a struggle but he'd eventually relented. Of course, they'd argued the entire time they were getting dressed, but... Rodolfo could handle that.

Rodolfo was now just grateful Soap and Ghost could meet him. He was so sure they'd like him.

Then they got to the table and he saw Soap, Ghost, Alejandro, and Valeria. His heart sank. No, this wasn't a good idea. He glared at Alejandro when he came over. "I-"

"Rudy!" Valeria smiled. "It's nice to see you! It's been a while. What, three months?"

Rodolfo flinched and sat down, irritated. "Yeah." He mumbled. He tensed when Wayne sat down. No one else would be able to see it, but he could feel the anger coming off of him, immediately. God, he should have texted Soap and Ghost to find out, first.

Wayne put his hand on Rodolfo's thigh and squeezed a little and Rodolfo looked down at the table. He was an idiot. He shouldn't have even invited Alejandro in the first place.

"Soap, Ghost, this is Wayne." He introduced, after a moment, though it was just to be polite.

Wayne gave them a warm smile and held out his hand, shaking both of theirs, though it was decidedly different for Soap. Soap looked offended and Rodolfo almost pleaded with him, with his eyes. He's just like that, he didn't mean anything by it.

Soap, however, didn't say anything. "It's nice to meet you."

Wayne nodded in agreement. "Rodolfo's been so excited about you coming. Wouldn't shut up about it."

Rodolfo winced. "I'm sorry, I just- haven't seen them in a while." He fake smiled, flushing a little. He hoped Wayne wasn't too irritated. He really had just been excited.

Wayne shrugged. "I don't mind when you ramble about your friends." He finally let go of Rodolfo's thigh, patting it.

Rodolfo relaxed and looked at Soap and Ghost. "What about you guys? How's Gaz and Price?"

Ghost shrugged. "Alex moved in with them, last month, and they've been adjusting to the change, apparently."

Rodolfo smiled. "I heard from Gaz that Price and Alex bicker all the time."

"It's banter, mostly." Soap shrugged and smiled. "Both are passionate alphas. Apparently Alex refuses to call football football and Price is about to hit him for it."

Rodolfo laughed, softly. "I like the word soccer. It's fun to say." He cringed when he felt Wayne tense a little. His echolalia had been... a touchy subject. Wayne didn't like when he repeated words too many times. "Anyway," he quickly moved on, ignoring Soap's concerned stare. "What else do they bicker about?"

Rodolfo grasped at the table cloth, feeling Wayne's hand touch his leg again. He was doing everything wrong.

"The tv, mostly. Oh, the thermostat. Price likes it warm, Alex likes it cold. Gaz pays for the apartment so neither get full say and Gaz refuses to take sides." Soap laughed again. "I mean, I wouldn't want to choose between my boyfriend and my dad figure, either."

Rodolfo nodded in agreement. "I don't think I could, either." Nails dug into his thigh and he tensed. But then, the hand pulled away and Rodolfo couldn't help his anxiety. Wayne was pissed.

"We need to talk, later." Wayne said a moment later, leaning into his ear. Rodolfo nodded a little and looked down. There was no salvaging this night.

-

Rodolfo accepted the cigarette from Soap. "You should stop smoking." He said, while actively lighting his own.

"You first." Soap sighed. "I was shocked you snuck out to come see me. It's been three days since you saw us."

Rodolfo shrugged. Wayne had kept finding some excuse to keep him home. Or he'd just get angry and tell Rodolfo he wasn't going. But... Rodolfo had gotten some horrible news that morning. He closed his eyes. "I really wish you guys would try to like Wayne."

"He's a shitbag." Soap huffed. Rodolfo wished he could say he was surprised, but he wasn't. Soap had made it kind of obvious he hated him. "Seriously, Rudy, you want to spend the rest of your life with that?"

"It's better than being alone." Rodolfo admitted, taking a drag from the cigarette. "Alejandro doesn't like him either."

"Valeria was boiling with rage over him." Soap shook his head. "Rudy, come on. He's awful."

"He's really not. He takes care of me." Rodolfo frowned, defending him. "He's really sweet."

Soap rolled his eyes and went silent. "You know... Alejandro invited us out here."

"What?" Rodolfo frowned. "I... I thought you guys asked to come." He wasn't shocked Alejandro would invite them but he was shocked Alejandro hadn't told him that.

Soap shrugged. "Alejandro thought we'd be able to talk some sense into you. Rudy... come on... He's horrible. He's gross as hell. He flirted with the waitress. You barely even flinched."

Rodolfo cringed. "He's just like that. He's a flirty guy. I'm sure he'd flirt with you."

Soap raised an eyebrow. "That's- that's not a good thing."

Rodolfo looked away. "I love him."

"Oh, I have no doubts." Soap nodded. "But come on, Rudy. He's not good for you."

Rodolfo shrugged a little and looked down. "I love him. Why can't that be enough for you guys? Why can't you like him because I like him?"

"Because he's awful, Rudy." Soap's voice softened. "He treats you like shit." He touched Rodolfo's shoulder and Rodolfo cringed away. Soap frowned. "You're different."

Rodolfo looked away and took another drag from his cigarette, blowing it out, carefully. He should leave, go back home and to bed. As it was, Wayne would have a fit when he woke up and Rodolfo was gone. But, he couldn't. Maybe, in a way, he wanted Soap to convince him to leave Wayne.

No, that wasn't true. Rodolfo loved Wayne. He wanted to stay with Wayne, he loved Wayne. "I love him."

"Rudy, that's not the argument." Soap sighed, softly. Rodolfo looked down. "Does he love you?"

Rodolfo nodded. "He does." Soap laughed, though he clearly wasn't actually amused. "He does." He reiterated.

Soap shook his head. "Rudy." He sighed. "Please. I am coming to you as a friend and as a friend, I am asking you to... please just... consider your relationship a little deeper."

Rodolfo sighed. "Alright, fine. But... only because you're my friend."

Soap relaxed. "That's all I can ask, Rudy."

-

Rodolfo stared into the distance again. He was exhausted. Wayne had barely let him sleep the night before. He'd had something he needed every five seconds.

"Rudy." Alejandro clicked his fingers in front of Rodolfo's face and Rodolfo jumped a little. Alejandro seemed to soften. "Are you alright?"

Rodolfo flushed and softened. "Yeah, just... didn't get too much sleep."

Alejandro frowned. "Why not?"

"Nightmares." Rodolfo lied and looked down, rubbing at his face. He paused when he smelled alpha, suddenly. Alejandro wore blockers, so he shouldn't have been able to smell it unless he was putting it out.

It smelled angry. "Rodolfo. What is on your neck?"

Rodolfo tensed, half panicked, already. "What do you mean?"

"Rodolfo, I think you know exactly what I mean." Alejandro kicked over a chair, half slamming down in it, in front of Rodolfo. "Is he hitting you?"

"N-no." He lied, now fully panicked. "No, he just... he got a little drunk and it was an accident." It really had been. He'd cried so long over it.

"Rudy!" Alejandro covered his face. "You're not going home to him."

Rodolfo frowned, shaking his head. "You don't get to decide that."

"Rodolfo. He's hitting you. He shouldn't be doing that." Alejandro went to touch Rodolfo, before stopping when he cringed away. He looked almost distraught. "I'm going to kill him. How many times has he hit you?"

Rodolfo went quiet. He knew he wouldn't be able to lie convincingly and say that it was the first time, but he didn't want to reveal just how many times.

"Rodolfo..." Alejandro dug his nails into his legs. "Fuck! I knew that bastard was doing something to you."

Rodolfo instinctively took Alejandro's hand and smoothed out his knuckles. "Ale... He's not- he's a good guy. He's a caring alpha and he takes care of me."

"He hurts you. Rodolfo! What would you do if someone was hurting Soap like that?" Alejandro took Rodolfo's hands. "What if Soap was trying to convince you that Ghost was hitting him but it was fine because he loved him??"

Rodolfo didn't cringe back from his touch, this time. He knew Alejandro was right, he did, but... he didn't want to be alone anymore. "I would kill Ghost..."

"You would. Why is it different for you?" Alejandro sighed a little.

"I.." Rodolfo didn't really have a retort. "I..." He didn't want to be alone again. He could handle it if it meant not being alone.

"This is my fault..." Alejandro mumbled. "I should have just been honest from the beginning and I should have told you the truth and then you'd never have gotten with that asshole and I should have picked up the signs but I was so jealous and it clouded my judgement and..."

Rodolfo frowned, having trouble processing his words. "What are you talking about?"

"Fuck." Alejandro shoved a hand through his hair. "Rudy, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for a while and I... I thought you didn't feel the same so I never said anything and I regret that so deeply because look where you are."

Rodolfo looked away, grasping at his shirt. Alejandro had been in love with him this whole time? "I-" Guilt tugged in his chest because already, he was considering leaving Wayne. Just for the chance with Alejandro.

This whole time, it'd been in the back of his mind. He was in love with Alejandro. Even when he was with Wayne, he wanted Alejandro. He'd felt so horrible about it, but... it was the truth. "I... Alejandro," he couldn't help the distress in his voice.

Alejandro touched his face and made him look at him. "Whether you love me or not is irrelevant, though. Because... he is not good for you. He's an asshole. Rudy, be honest with me... This week alone, how many times has he hit you?"

Rodolfo was quiet. "I can handle it. I'm in the military. I've gotten worse."

"How many?"

"Every day." Rodolfo flinched at the flash of anger in Alejandro's scent.

Alejandro took a deep breath. "Rudy, you... you don't get a choice in this one. I'm sorry. I'm calling Valeria and I'm telling her." He started to get his phone out.

"She's going to kill him!" Rodolfo exclaimed, trying to grab Alejandro's phone.

Alejandro nodded. "That is what is desired, yes."

Rodolfo shook his head. "Please don't-"

Alejandro watched him for a moment and then slumped, sighing. "Then don't go home to him."

Rodolfo went quiet. "I don't want to be alone, Alejandro. I... I'm tired of being alone."

"You're not alone, you have me." Alejandro shrugged and took his hands again. "Rudy... I will make sure you are never alone again. Please... just god please do not go back to him."

Rodolfo cringed. "You're not just saying that so I leave him, right?"

Alejandro shook his head. "No, of course not. I really have been so deeply in love with you. I should have told you so long ago and I didn't and..." He hung his head. "It's okay if you never forgive me for that. But I really am just begging you to not go back to him."

Rodolfo hesitated. He was shaking a little. "Kiss me. If you kiss me, I won't." He wasn't even sure why he was saying that

Alejandro didn't even hesitate. If he had, Rodolfo may have went, anyway. But, no, he surged forward, grabbing Rodolfo's face, and kissed him deeply. It was passionate and maybe there was desperation but maybe Rodolfo wanted that.

Rodolfo felt wanted by Alejandro. God, that was so pathetic. He'd let himself end up in such a horrible relationship for the sake of being wanted and now that Alejandro wanted him, he was going to just leave it. But... he would.

Alejandro finally pulled away. "Don't go home to him."

Rodolfo shook his head. "I won't..." He mumbled and looked up at him.

Alejandro relaxed, deeply. "Thank you." He pulled Rodolfo close.

Rodolfo melted and closed his eyes. "I... I'm... You don't think I'm pathetic? For staying?"

"No, Rudy." Alejandro shook his head.

Rodolfo relaxed. "Soap's going to be happy. He tried to convince me to leave."

"He will be very happy." Alejandro took his hand, suddenly, and pulled off the ring that was there. Rodolfo didn't even miss it. He'd barely cared when the proposal happened. It just made sense that it would happen. "Ghost and I will go get your stuff, tomorrow, okay?"

Rodolfo nodded. "Okay..."

"Thank you, Rudy. For leaving him."

"Of course, Alejandro." Rodolfo nodded.

[callsign-bunnie]

Something that's been floating around in my brain for a while:

Valeria and Rodolfo are both in serious danger and Alejandro has to choose who to go to. (In my head Rodolfo has such low self esteem that he just resigns himself to his fate because he's certain Valeria means much more to Alejandro than he does but if you decide to do this ask then go wild with your own ideas!)

My own ideas you say? (Trigger warning, graphic content)

—

Rodolfo should have been confident. Of course Alejandro would choose him. He’d been so confident. But Alejandro wasn’t here yet.

He was so lightheaded that maybe it was making him dizzy. He could see his own blood slowly draining through the tube into the little bottles. Why they wanted to save his blood, he didn’t know.

And he could still see the camera, despite his fuzzy vision. The little red light, blinking to show it was recording.

It had been an hour. He had heard Alejandro on the phone. They’d put it on speaker. They were confident Alejandro would choose “the woman” as they called Valeria.

“He’s still not here…” One taunted, stroking a knife against Rodolfo’s face. Not deep enough to cut, and no longer was it enough to strike terror in Rodolfo’s heart.

Rodolfo just leaned his head back, exhausted. Why would Alejandro choose him? He’d made it so clear again and again and again that he didn’t love him. He couldn’t fucking stand him.

So many times, he’d snapped when Rodolfo was just trying to help him. He could remember the episodes, the lows, every time Alejandro had pushed Rodolfo away when he just wanted to help.

But he’d never pushed her away. He’d always gone to her open arms willingly. Happily. Alejandro called her his heroin. His addiction.

So what was Rodolfo? Rodolfo was the intervention. What addict would choose their fix over an intervention? Not Alejandro.

“Oh well. You’re too weak to fight back, now.” They laughed and Pat him. “He’s not coming. So we’ll just leave you.”

Rodolfo wanted to beg them to stay, to not leave him alone, but he barely had the energy to hold his own head up, let alone to beg. And… he hadn’t lost that much dignity yet.

He could hear them leave, and he wanted to sob, but he couldn’t even find it in him to do that. He’d lost so much blood.

They’d only put him in cuffs, it’d be so easy to just break his own hand, pull it out. But even if he could find the energy to move his arms, he wouldn’t be able to stand. He’d still die because Alejandro wasn’t coming.

Maybe if Valeria wasn’t the other option, if she wasn’t on the other side of Las Almas, maybe he would. But not with her in the picture. As long as she was the other choice, Alejandro would never pick him. Not in love, not in life, not in death.

Rodolfo was going to die alone. Completely alone. Maybe he wasn’t even surprised. Was that worse?

He didn’t know, he could barely think anymore. The only thought in his head was starting to form into “he’s not coming. He was never coming. He will never come.”

Rodolfo’s ears picked up the doors opening almost immediately. Was he wrong? Had he been so cruelly wrong to Alejandro?

He felt cold hands touch his face and he wanted to sob. Alejandro’s hands were always warm.

“Oh, poor sweet Rodolfo. He didn’t come, did he?” Valeria? But, she was the other choice, how was she there?

Rodolfo whimpered as the needle pulled out from his skin. “You’ve lost a lot of blood but you’ll get it back. Most of this will be transfused back into you.” She sounded so clinical, undoing the cuffs. He could hear a key click and his heart sank. She’d done this on purpose.

“Once you’re recovered, I’ll take you back. Will you believe me, now? He doesn’t love you. You’re not even a second thought in his head.” Valeria didn’t sound cruel. She sounded comforting.

Rodolfo finally let himself sob. It took all of his energy but he sobbed and slumped forward, falling into Valeria.

She held him, gently, petting his hair. “He’s still at the warehouse where I’m supposed to be. Looking for me.”

Rodolfo knew she was telling the truth. If she wasn’t, he would be there.

But he wasn’t.

He was never coming.