#alchemyphanfics

[alchemyphan-blog]

Don’t Look Through Me

word count: 8k 

style: au

desc: every time you look in a mirror, you see your soulmate for a moment instead of yourself. dan had spent his whole life waiting to meet his, and little did he know that phil had been begging to meet his as well. when dan decides he’s not just going to wait around for the universe to bring them together, a train he falls asleep on brings him somewhere he hadn’t planned on.

May 22, 7:42am

It was a Saturday in May, and Dan’s body was so adjusted to waking up before the sunrise every week of every month for school that he woke up at a respectable time. The window above his bed allowed light to bleed onto the brown walls and leave patches of brightness on the carpet.

Rolling over, he unplugged his phone from its charger, and in that small amount of time it happened, like it always does. That second before the phone screen lights up and you can see your own reflection. Of course, what you really see first is the person you’re supposed to be with. Dan never questioned this, as when he was a very young child, asking why there was a boy in the mirror who didn’t look like him at first, then slowly transitioned to his own familiar features. Light brown curls, matching dimples, big chocolate eyes. That was over a decade ago, the first time he noticed it wasn’t him in the mirror.

“Actually, when you look in the mirror or into a puddle or anything you can look into and see your reflection it’s a very special person called your soulmate,” Dan’s mother explained to him when he was six.

“But, why? How does that even work?” he questioned.

“We don’t really know, honey, but what we do know is that the world is a magical place full of magical things, where things will always end up the way they are supposed to.”

Those words followed behind him his whole life, words he always reminded himself of when he did poorly on a test, when his grandmother died, when he was bullied all through school.

He finally got out of bed half an hour later, picking out some clothes to put on after a shower. The steam fogging up the windows and the glass surrounding him were a nice escape for him in the morning, like he was finally alone. Whenever he was in the shower he thought about the person he saw in the mirror, maybe because as soon as he got out of the shower he knew his face would be staring back at him, as if this man was looking into his eyes at the same time. He remembers when he was a child the boy had bright orange hair, spotty freckles covering the top half of his body. Over time, though, the orange faded to brown, and in the last few years has turned to jet black.

“You look nice like that, it suits you well,” he said softly to the mirror, beads of condensation rolling down either side. He took off his towel and used it to wipe away the fog blurring the glass, but as soon as he put it back on his body, the boy was gone.

Letting out a quiet sigh, he resumed getting ready, brushing his teeth, drying his hair, putting on clothes. He finally wandered downstairs, smoke lightly billowing from the stovetop, the microwave beeping, the sound of coffee trickling into its pot. Dan’s father liked to think of himself as some chef extraordinaire, but his mother would say otherwise.

“Your aunt and uncle are coming over for breakfast, so your father decided to make everything in the house,” scoffed Dan’s mother.

“It’s nice to be a good host! Dan, you’re welcome to eat with us - pancakes are here, sausage is cooking, coffee’s on, cereal, anything you want.”

Before Dan could answer, there was a knock at the door. Without waiting, his mother’s sister and her husband of sixteen years entered the house, conversation growing loud over the bustle of the kitchen.

Dan decided he would join them. Lately, he’s been very interested in this whole soulmate thing. He would turn eighteen next month, and he wants, no, needs to know how this happens.

“Aunt Clara, how did you meet Denny?” Dan asks over breakfast. Dan’s parents look at each other with mutual confusion and excitement, as they realized that this was Dan’s way of saying he wanted to finally meet his soulmate.

“Well, I was in line at McDonald’s because I was on a roadtrip with a bunch of friends and it was three o'clock in the morning, we were all starving, and no other place was open. I was the last of my friends to order, and when I got to the counter, the man who I had seen everywhere was real and right in front of me ready to take my order,” his aunt replied.

“It was actually my first shift there, and two weeks later I had quit the job to go on a two month safari with your aunt.” Dan’s uncle stared into space blankly with a smile tugging at his lips, most likely reminiscing on such memory.

“Well, your mother’s is even more crazy than that, even though a safari is pretty crazy after you’ve only known the guy for two weeks,” Clara said, looking at her sister. Dan’s mother laughed, recapping the story they’d all heard many times about how she lost her shoe leaving a party and a psycho man had been going all over town trying to find whose shoe it was, eventually leading to her.

“Stupid fairy tales come to life,” Dan muttered a little too loud, which actually earned him a few laughs from the table.

Dan looked in every reflective surface he could find. Soon, he became addicted to this boy staring back at him. He began to really know him - seeing his outfit changes every few hours, his array of bright-patterned socks and pajama bottoms, his bedhead, the way he looks before he shaves. He wondered where this boy lived, if he had been living across the street or across the world from him, how they’d meet, the thoughts never stopped. This impending doom started to scare Dan, soon coming to the realization the universe knew something about the future that he didn’t. He wondered how it was possible that everyone’s soulmate had been calculated before their birth, as if someone pressed fast-forward on life itself. Sometimes he’d think far too long about it and scare himself for the entire day, so he decided it was best not to question these mystical forces that will one day bring Dan to his soulmate.

June 11, 8:18am

“Happy Birthday, Dan!” called familiar faces from every hallway he entered. It made him feel a little bit like a celebrity. His birthday and the last day of school (and his last day of high school). A smile had been plastered onto his face all day, even hearing his name on the announcements that afternoon as they announced cancellations for certain sports practices and reminders about club meetings.

“As today is your last day in this school, and soon you will go to your respective universities or what have you,” Dan’s favorite teacher, Mr. Johnson, started, “it’s time I give my yearly speech. Sometimes you’ll make great decisions, sometimes you won’t - and that’s okay. The world is a magical place full of magical things, where things will always end up the way they are supposed to.”

Dan’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. Sometimes he’d hear parts of his mother’s quote on billboards and in books, but never verbatim like this. At this exact moment, Mr. Johnson turned to Dan, winked, and looked away quickly. There’s no way that he could’ve known that, Dan thought. The wink was just a coincidence.  

He walked out of school that afternoon, turning his back to the parking lot to take one final glare at the school he’ll never have to enter again. Luckily Dan lived just down the street so he could conveniently walk to his house. As he passed the houses in his neighborhood leading up to his at the end of the road, he passed by the windows of his neighbors stopping to stare, not to intrude but to see his soulmate in the glass. As always, there he was, a huge smile on his face. He was wearing a graduation cap and gown. Did he just graduate too? Looking closer Dan could see a small logo on the tassels of his cap reading University of York. Before he could even react, the image was gone.

Dan ran into his house, threw his backpack onto the ground, raced up the stairs up to his room, and googled University of York. He saw today was their graduation ceremony. And that they were four hours away.

Well, it could be much worse, Dan thought. He could be fourteen hours away instead. He lives in this country.

Dan turns eighteen today, and his soulmate is four years older than him, and just graduated from the University of York. He started to wonder what his soulmate knew about him, if he even wanted to know him. There’s no way Dan was meant to be with someone horrible, or else they wouldn’t be meant for each other. He’d only ever thought about what he knew about his soulmate, and not what his soulmate thought of him.

June 11, 2:43pm

“Philip M. Lester,” announced the speaker, prompting Phil to walk across the stage. His nerves had short-circuited, leaving him to sweat while grabbing his diploma and apologizing to the woman whose hand he shook. Crossing to the stairs, he followed the stream of pupils getting their graduate photos taken. Bright beams of light contrasted with his forest green cap and gown, acting as a white LED background.

“Alright now, big smile!” said the cameraman. Before the flash went off, though, he noticed in the lens of the camera a small figure with a bright, beaming smile. It’s him, Phil thought. He’s watching me graduate.

When he was first born, Phil couldn’t see anyone but himself in the mirror. He’d always heard stories of his parents and brother seeing their true loves looking back at them. At first his parents were worried, thinking he wouldn’t have anyone when he got older. Phil’s father told his mother to wait, that maybe his soulmate was just younger, which ensued the deal that if by the time he was ten years old and still didn’t have a reflection, they would worry.

“You can’t just live without someone in this kind of world,” Phil’s mother would cry. “It just doesn’t happen here.”

Luckily one day when Phil was four and a half, him and his family were all watching television until the sun went down. While getting Phil’s brother ready for bed, Phil was left in the living room, looking out the window. That’s when it first happened - he saw a small infant swaddled in a white blanket wearing a blue cap. Phil screamed, thinking there was a baby outside their house. Phil’s father came into the living room, and Phil explained what happened, turning back to the window to show him what happened. His father quickly called for his wife, taking Phil to the nearest mirror to explain to him that this was the person he was supposed to spend his life with when grew up. It didn’t make much sense to Phil at the time, but when he got older he was so desperate to meet this boy that he used to pray to God every night, asking if the next day could be the day they could meet.

Now, eighteen years later, they still haven’t met. Sometimes, if it’s late and Phil is sad, he’ll pray like he used to as a child.

I can’t be expected to keep waiting like this, he’d plead. Please, make it happen soon. I haven’t even met him and I miss him like crazy.

This always left Phil thinking no one ever heard him, or that someone was just playing a cruel joke on him.

But now, Phil had graduated. He was 22. It was time he got a full-time job, got a more mature apartment, lived his life. He always felt stuck though, thinking he was putting himself further away from his love. He knew whatever money he was making from YouTube wouldn’t be enough to support an apartment, bills, groceries, and maybe one day his reflection.

That is, until one day, he was offered a deal for a year long contract with YouTube. This would pay for everything, allow him to do YouTube full-time, but he’d have to leave his family and move across the country to London.

Would this bring him away from his true love, who was all he ever thought about?

July 13, 9:09am

“I promise, everything will be fine. I’ll be fine. I’ll be home before you know it,” Dan coaxed his mother.

“I know you’ll be fine, but I’ll just miss you is all! You’re going all by yourself, it’s such a big city, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Everything will be okay. It’s not like I’m going to be alone all the time. I mean, I’m sharing a hotel with three other people, we’re spending the whole weekend together. Plus, we’ve been to London hundreds of times, you don’t need to worry,” Dan relayed. He kissed his mother on the forehead. “Love you.”

“Love you too, honey,” she said, clutching her husband by the waist. He waved to Dan, shutting the door behind him.

The truth is though, he wasn’t going to London to have a fun weekend with friends.

He wasn’t going to let another day go by without his soulmate. He was going to university the next fall, and he wasn’t about to start a whole new chapter of his life still wondering when he’d meet his one true love.

So, pretending to go to London, Dan was actually travelling all the way up to York, where his love must live somewhere near. He knew it was a big city, that he didn’t even know if he was there, but he couldn’t just sit back and wait for nature to take its course when Dan could make it happen himself. He put his headphones on, turned up his playlist, and walked the three blocks to the subway station. Having stayed up all night making the plans, he began to doze off on the ride, missing his stop to take him north, instead taking him east.

Looks like he’d have to go to London after all.

July 12, 10:17pm

“It’s a big switch, I know. But this is what I really want to do, and this is where I have to go to do. I can visit though, all the time,” Phil admitted to his parents. He had decided to take the job in London. YouTube was his passion, what he’s supposed to do, and he just hopes that his soulmate finds him there.

Always having lived no more than ten minutes from his parents house, he knew it’d be a big change to live on his own. His parents had called a car to help take all of his things, which had just pulled up.

“We know it’s late, but somehow it costs half as much to do so in the middle of the night,” explained Phil’s father, even though he knew how much of a nightowl his son was.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye for now. I’ll call you the second I get there. I’ll miss you guys,” Phil said. He fought back the tiny urge to cry. His family was all he had growing up, and they were extremely close. The three of them embraced, his brother waiting to have his own hug with Phil. He wheeled his suitcases out the front door, waving goodbye before shutting the door behind him. He exhaled, looking up at the constellations he’d renamed as a child to keep him company on lonely nights.

In the early hours of the morning, nearly 3am, Phil’s driver kindly removed his bags from the trunk, helping him into the building and to the nearest elevator. Giving him a generous tip on top of the payments his parents made for the driver, they shook hands and Phil watched as he put the car into gear and drove away.

There was no one in the lobby, no one at the front desk, so he pressed the button up to his apartment. Walking down the corridor until getting to the door number he'd memorized beforehand, Phil noticed a bright purple key laying on the mat placed outside his door. They must really trust their tenants, he thought, noticing the obvious risk the landlord was putting himself at to leave a key to an empty apartment out in the open.

To his surprise after turning the lights on, the apartment had been furnished. Black leather sofas and matching chairs all surrounded a new flat screen TV, a bed frame and mattress awaiting bright blue and green sheets. Wandering through the house, he found a note on the bar in the kitchen.

Surprise! We didn’t actually go to a reunion, we came to London for the day! The landlord was nice enough to let us break in and furnish your apartment.

We hope you enjoy, and welcome home!

Mum and Dad

If he didn’t start to well up after leaving his parents, he surely did now. Looking around while wiping his tears, he stared out of the massive windows in the living room. It was all dark in London, most of the city lights even gone. That’s when he saw him again. His eyes were bloodshot, as if he’d been stressed over a computer screen, his hair a wavy mess. Before he could disappear, Phil pressed his fingers against the glass, only he knew he wasn’t actually touching him. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the glass as he felt his love slip away.

He left all the luggage in the living room, only taking his bedding with him and plugging his phone in and placing it on his new wicker nightstand. His head hit the pillow, and instantly he fell fast asleep, the last image in his brain the brown-haired boy with cute dimples.

July 13, 9:16am

Sunlight poured through the obnoxiously large windows in Phil’s new bedroom. He knew he had to get up quickly, as he had about thirteen suitcases and two moving boxes filled with things needing to be unpacked.

In his two decades of living in the comfort of his family dwelling and university, he never really had to worry about a constant supply of food at his disposal. This didn’t hit him until he wandered into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and realized he had no food. Although unpacking is important, it wasn’t quite as vital as eating, since he hadn’t in over half a day. The lining of his stomach began to twinge with hunger, so he grabbed his wallet, left his empty, yet somehow slightly messy apartment to buy enough groceries to last time until the following week.

As it was his first day in this new city, he swiftly became aware of the fact that he had not prepared. At all. No maps, no research, nothing. So when Phil stepped out of his apartment building, he didn’t know his right from his left, leaving him to follow the occasional road sign to signal him in the direction of the nearest grocery store. Since there was none in walking distance, he figured he’d have to ride the underground, and wrote a mental note to himself to get out and explore his new city.

Descending down the stairs, he came to the realization that oh shit, London is really busy. Clearly he had not done enough research, as he was corralled into the train doors, barely comprehending the situation. The tube was packed - literally, another human, no matter how small, could not fit on this train car. As it was rush hour on a work day, men and women in their suits were running through the train cars as if people were invisible, shoving them left and right to be the first one out. Phil had been among the victims, and was pushed so hard by an official looking man that he fell sideways, into a (luckily unoccupied) seat.

That’s when it happened.

July 13, 9:57am

Without moving, Dan opened his eyes and noticed he had really messed up. There were hundreds of people on the train, and not to mention the fact he had no idea where he was. He assumed he had landed himself in a busy city, as everyone was wearing their nicest work clothes and acting their very snobbiest. His neck began to ache from leaning his head sideways against the glass.

He removed his headphones, as his playlist had been duly disregarded due to his nap. His ears began to pop as he looked around, stretching his neck and legs out, and accidentally kicked the person next to him who had just been rudely pushed into the seat.

“Sorry,” he started before looking up.

It happened. It was happening right now.

“Oh my God,” the boy whispered.

He just couldn’t believe just how blue his eyes were.

“Mirrors don’t do you justice,” Dan finally said. The boy laughed.

“I can’t believe this is happening right now. Oh my god.”

Dan had noticed he was kind of freaking out, so he placed a hand on the boy’s knee to signal him to look up instead of around. “Dan- Dan is my name. Daniel Howell.”

Oh my God, Phil thought to himself constantly. He remarked the fact that he hadn’t really said anything. “My name is Phil,” he said. “Lester.”

“Phil,” Dan whispered to himself. “I’m Dan.”

“You already said that.”

“Oh, sorry. I just- wow.”

“Yeah, I know.”

It just felt too unreal to be true.

Eighteen years, Dan thought.

Twenty-two years, Phil thought.

“What are you even doing here?” Dan asked. “Didn’t you graduate from the University of York, like, yesterday?”

“How do you even know that?”

Dan’s cheeks flushed pink from embarrassment. “I, uh, your cap and gown yesterday, I saw it. And the fact that it said University of York on it.”

“I thought I saw you yesterday. I was taking a photo after I walked across the stage. You were in a camera lens. Of course you were upside down and distorted, but I still knew it was you. But anyway, I got offered a job here in London for the next year and-”

Dan stopped Phil. “Wait, I’m in London? Right now?”

“Um, yes? Aldgate station, we just left it,” Phil told him. “Why?”

Dan began to laugh, leaving Phil confused.

“I was on my way to see you, actually. In York. And I told my parents I was going to London so they wouldn’t worry.” Dan shook his head in disbelief, the rosy cheeks coupled now with a smile.

Phil just stared at him. All he could think was how marvelous his soulmate was. To think that this boy who had never met him before was about to travel however many hours just to find Phil, something he didn’t think anyone else ever would. “You would do that for me?”

“I know we hadn’t actually yet, but I kept saying to myself that I missed you, and I didn’t want to start this whole new chapter of my life without knowing who you really were. I was fed up with waiting, and I wanted to take matters into my own hands and find you myself, which now I realize I didn’t have to travel very far to find you.” Dan felt a little bashful admitting to Phil that he was coming to see him, hoping he didn’t find him to be stalkerish. “But, luckily I don’t have to travel all the way up to York.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Phil asked him, hoping he could offer his home to Dan, because he was not about to let him slip away after just meeting him.

“Well, there’s not much to do now, since I found what I was looking for. I guess I should just find somewhere to be for the weekend-” Dan thought aloud, but was quickly interrupted by Phil.

“-My house!” Phil exclaimed, then realized just how loud he’d said it. “You should stay with me.”

“You really think so?” Dan couldn’t fight off the butterflies intruding his nervous system.

“Of course. Firstly who wants to pay for a hotel in the middle of London, and it’s you, and now we’re together, and I want to spend every moment possible with you.” Phil’s eyes met Dan’s, and they appreciated the moment where they could stare at each other, knowing either one won’t slip away, leaving their own reflection searching for something more.

“Obviously I’d love to stay with you.”

Dan truly couldn't believe it was actually happening, and how smoothly things were going. It was as if they had known each other their whole lives, as if they'd spent hundreds of hours together.

Then again, they sort of have.

Dan accompanied Phil to the shop, assisting in what foods to buy and what apartment essentials he knew Phil didn’t have yet. It was very clear just how idiotic they looked carrying huge bags of food and batteries and extension cords onto a compressed train car.

They made their way up to Phil’s new apartment.

“I’ve never seen an apartment so high up,” Dan said, looking around at the minimalist furniture, the suitcases in the hall, the gargantuan windows.

“I know, I get a little bit scared if I think too hard about it. But I really need some color in here and whatnot,” Phil retaliated, orchestrating a new organizational system for his food, his back to Dan. Dan wandered around, looking into the empty bedroom, bathroom, the living room with two couches. A feeling of home washed over him, even with the white walls and cream-colored carpet and the windows overlooking an intimidating city he was unfamiliar with.

Phil watched as Dan aimlessly ambled his way through the living room, into the hallway he’d barely explored himself, watched him exhale deeply in the center of the apartment and let his shoulders sink. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he heard Dan whisper to himself excitedly.

Once Phil had finished stocking the fridge and cluttering the counter, he walked across to Dan, who was staring out at the morning commuters seen from the window.

“When I look out this window tonight, and when I go into the bathroom, I'm not gonna see anymore,” Dan said sadly.

Phil hesitantly put a hand to his back. “But it's okay, because the only reason we hadn't seen each other was because we hadn't met yet. Now you're real. Now it's all real. And I think that’s a lot better than only getting to see you in a mirror, never hearing your voice, being able to see you in person.”

Dan turned away from the glass, swinging his feet to reflect Phil’s. With a shaking hand, he slowly put it against waist. From the proximity he could hear Phil’s quiet sigh, see his eyes flutter closed for a moment.

“Dan…” Phil said softly. Before he could say anything, Phil had grabbed the back of his head, strands of hair swishing between his fingers. Dan isn’t one for suspense, so he leaned in close, touching his forehead to Phil’s and connecting their lips. Dan hadn’t really ever kissed anyone, he noticed in that moment, as he decided that being kissed in the playground when he was seven and then four years later didn’t quite count.

“Phil, I haven't...I mean, I’ve never…” Dan trailed slowly against Phil’s lips. He was barely eighteen, he embarrassingly enough has never even finished a glass of alcohol let alone been on any level of intimacy with another person.

“It’s okay,” Phil whispered, bringing his lips up to Dan’s forehead, then moving sideways into his hair, kissing down his jawline then circling back to Dan’s lips. “Do you want to, um, sit?” he asked, gesturing to the nearby couch, which Phil hadn’t even sat on himself yet. Dan nodded, as Phil walked him over and sat them both down in one fluid motion, their bodies keeping in contact the whole time.

Gently, Phil placed himself overtop Dan’s body, looking down at the boy beneath him. His brown locks were tactile. The plump lips, the little chip in his tooth, it was all tangible. Phil could hear Dan’s hard palpitating over the sound of his own. He knew that Dan was young, nervous, but he could see it in his eyes - that look of pure amazement.

“Are you okay? Do you want to keep going?” Phil breathed against Dan’s skin.

“Yes.”

“It’s alright if you aren’t ready. We just met and everything.”

Dan grabbed Phil by the collar of his shirt, bringing him in close. “I have known you my whole life, Phil Lester.”

To Phil, it almost looked as if there was a sparkle in Dan’s eye. Sitting him up, he removed Dan’s thin white shirt and gulped hard, looking at every bone and inch of skin on Dan’s chest. It was remarkably beautiful. He leaned down, kissing the center of his sternum. Phil removed his top as well now, starting a pile on the floor.

“You’re beautiful,” Phil said in Dan’s ear, his hands tracing over the protrusions of his bones, the soft skin on his stomach, his arms and his shoulders and everything there is to look at. Dan stretched a hand out, grabbing onto the side of Phil’s chest, pulling him in close. It was like a magnetic field had encased them in this position, electrons around them so powerful you could see sparks when Dan touched Phil’s skin.

Phil kissed Dan, a slow kiss, the kind you melt into, the kind that speeds up gradually and turns intense and makes the sun set and the stars fill the sky. Phil had removed Dan’s jeans after taking off his own, their limbs tangled half-on-half-off the two-seater sofa. Dan wrapped his arms tight around Phil’s waist as the gentle motion of their bodies back and forth turned acute and Dan could feel Phil’s hand dip beneath the band of his boxers, a loud gasp erupting after he grabbed him lightly.

“I’ve never...I don’t know...what to…” Dan found himself saying again.

Phil reached a finger up to Dan’s lips in shushing motion. “I know. Don’t worry about anything. I’ve got you.”

With these words Dan sank deep into the couch, to where he was practically laying down. Phil used his knees to prop himself up while straddling Dan, taking his hands up to sweep the hair out of Dan’s face and kiss him hard. Hearing him moan quietly, Phil wanted more from Dan. He knew he wanted everything in this moment. Dan looked up at him, nodding.

Bit by bit Dan’s underwear made its way to the pile, and they were both naked.

“I’ve never been naked in front of someone before,” Dan said softly to Phil.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, you are extremely breathtaking. I’m so lucky to have you finally.”

Phil positioned Dan’s legs open slightly as he leaned back to align their bodies.

“Okay, are you ready?” Phil asked, a thumb stroking Dan’s thigh.

Dan, a tiny bead of sweat emerging from the side of his head, his face bright rose-colored, pupils dilated, nodded quickly. His head extended out beyond the couch as soon as Phil entered him, eyes rolling back, a moan louder this time protruding from his lips, along with the first letters of Phil’s name.

“It’s okay? You’re okay?” Phil asked immediately.

Dan grabbed him by the shoulder, bringing their bodies flush together. “I’m great, Phil. I have never been as okay as I am right now.”

“I think I love you already,” Phil said hushed, thrusting cautiously slow in and out of Dan, careful not to hurt him.

“I know I love you, too,” Dan half said, half moaned against the skin of Phil’s neck.

“I, Phil, I’m-” he started. Phil took the hint, leaning down to kiss his member before wrapping a hand around, causing Dan’s breath to hitch and his moans to occur closer together before he finished over the sound of him saying Phil’s name once more in synchrony with Phil, as if they were in a movie.

Phil pulled out, grabbing a towel and the blanket from his bedroom. Cleaning them both, he wrapped himself in the duvet and climbed on top of Dan once more, engulfing him in the warmth with both arms bringing him close to Phil’s body.

“Thank you,” Dan whispered against the skin of Phil’s chest, Phil’s fingers intertwining in his curly brown hair.

“No, thank you. For coming to find me,” he said.

“If this is what I waited eighteen years for, it was so worth it.”

July 13, 7:14pm

“What do you want for dinner?” Phil called from the kitchen. Dan had just gotten out of the shower, washing off the train and restless night and sex from his body.

“I dunno, wanna order something?” he said halfheartedly. He was more interested in the mirror, more importantly the fact that it was just him. Phil was gone. For the most part, he was thrilled. He’d never lived a life where he was the only thing he saw in a mirror, he’d begged for the day that he finally got to say he only saw himself. A small part of him missed it though - the anticipation, the beckoning late at night, wondering why he was tormented like this. It was nice to see him whenever he pleased in real time, though he knew that it meant he had never seen him in real life. This is much better, he finally decided. After all, he was looking in Phil’s mirror.

He finally left the bathroom, sporting a pair of his cartoon pajama pants and a hoodie that belonged to Phil.

As he watched Phil order takeout from his phone, he couldn’t help but notice just how nice he looked without a shirt on. He only had on a pair of sweatpants, one hand in his messy hair, the other confirming their food order.  Dan sat down at a barstool across from Phil, who was finally setting his phone down, a playlist of familiar songs softly sounding from his speaker.

“You weren’t in the mirror,” Dan said, smiling.

“You aren’t in my mirror either, you’re right here,” Phil said as he cupped Dan’s face in his hand, placing a light kiss to his lips before walking over to the TV asking Dan what he’d like to watch.

The teapot Phil put on the stove started to whistle, and Dan poured their tea into two plastic cups, since Phil still hadn’t bought mugs or plates or anything useful. He joined Phil on the couch as he channel surfed, stopped when Dan jumped at seeing the Great British Bake Off come up.  

Twenty-five minutes later, the time passed by covering one another in the large green and blue duvet and harshly judging the contestants, there was a knock at the door and a man in a red hat holding a large paper bag expecting money. Thankfully enough they wisely ordered chinese food so they wouldn’t need to use their own utensils, which they seemed to have very few of.

And all night, they spent it watching reruns of baking shows, picking at their dinners, opening each other’s fortune cookies, kissing, admiring the view from so high up where no one could find them.

July 15, 10:39

Phil sighed loudly. They’d already made breakfast, brushed their teeth, but decided to get back into bed. He was holding Dan close, sitting up and spooning him from behind.

“You have to leave today, don’t you,” he said sadly.

“...Yeah.”

Dan turned around, looking up at Phil, a hand reaching up to hold and shoulder and kissing him. “I won’t be gone for long. Promise.”

And in that moment, Dan got a great idea.

“Come with me.”

“What?” Phil asked.

“Seriously, my parents think you’re actually really cute. You can meet my family. I haven’t committed to any university yet, they know how much I wanted to meet you and whatnot, you can come home with me for a few days…” Dan rambled.

And, in that moment, Phil was the one with the great idea.

“Dan. Live with me. Go home, pack all your things, and live here with me. Go to university here. Make videos with me. Hell, start your own channel. We can make this work.”

“Phil, are you serious?”

“I am. I’m not letting another week slip by where I’m without you. I’ll come home with you, I’ll meet your family.” Dan turned bright pink again, this time with excitement. He jumped up, bouncing on the bed. “Yes!” He reached down, grabbing Phil by the hands and forcing him up too. Phil scooped him up when he was mid-jump, holding him in the bridal position before kissing him hard and falling back onto the bed with him.

“More, once more before we go home,” Dan pleaded quietly, followed quickly by Phil ripping off his and Dan’s shirts and slipping his tongue into Dan’s mouth.

They wasted no time fully undressing, but this time Phil ran out of the room and rummaged through his bags to find a small bottle of cherry lube.

“Phil, what is that?” Dan asked, looking puzzled at the small red container.

“If you thought last time was good, just wait,” Phil growled against the skin of Dan’s neck, his head bobbing down and kissing every inch of his cinnamon-colored skin until reaching his waist. Rocking back onto his knees, Dan watched in the broad daylight as Phil coated himself with the scented lube and fell back onto his thighs, head at the center of Dan’s rib cage and eyes looking down to center his aim.

He looked back up at Dan, placing a kiss on his collarbone before locking eyes with him.

“It’ll be different this time, just so you know. Ready?”

Dan nodded passionately in time with Phil thrusting in roughly once, the sensation causing Dan to claw at Phil’s back and his voice to go up two octaves.

“Oh my God, Phil- I ca-Phil,” he managed to stutter through a string of moans, his head tapping the headboard every second.

“Dan,” Phil whispered in a hungry tone.

The sound of Dan’s moans was enough to send Phil over the edge quicker than normal, pulling out and taking a hand to Dan and pumping him in a fluid motion until giving out, breaths uneven and chest heaving.

Before rightfully collapsing back onto the bed, Phil took the initiative to clean Dan up with a washcloth, miraculously not getting anything on the bed.

After climbing back into their embrace, Phil swept the hair out from behind Dan’s ear and kissed him gingerly.

“Phil, did that last like literally ten minutes?” Dan asked a few moments later.

“Yeah, it really did,” he answered, sending them both into a fit of laughter.

Eventually, though, Dan packed up some of his things and made his way to the underground with Phil to catch a ride back to Berkshire. On the hour long ride, Phil explained his career to Dan, who was impressed, to say the least, and Dan went into depth about his family tree.

As the intercom buzzed on, the man stated inaudibly that they had reached their destination. Phil grabbed Dan’s duffel bag and carried it all the way back to Dan’s house, an easy ten minute walk back to his house.

As they approached his front steps, Dan’s hand shook as he reached for the doorknob.

“You okay?” Phil asked him in an effort to calm him.

“Yeah, yeah, just a little nervous. They’re gonna be pretty shocked, you know?”

He placed a hand on Dan’s arm. “It’ll be okay, trust me.”

Dan took a sharp breath in before turning the knob slowly. No one was by the door, but he heard his mother call “Dan?” from the kitchen.

“Mum, I’ve got something to tell you,” he said nervously.

“What is it?” she asked, walking out into the living room, still sporting a pair of oven mitts. Upon seeing Phil’s face, she stopped dead in her tracks. “Well, hi there.”

She walked closer, taking off the mitts and extending a hand to Phil. “It’s very nice to finally meet you.”

Phil’s cheeks turned a light tint of red as he shook Dan’s mother’s hand, saying, “It is very nice to meet you too.”

She invited them to sit, as she was just finishing making dinner for later that evening.

“You’ll stay, won’t you?” she asked. Dan looked at Phil questionably, grabbing his hand and replying with a yes from both of them. They decided that over dinner they would confess their future plans.

“Oh, by the way,” she called, “you got some letters from the unis here on the table if you want to open them.”

Dan hadn’t planned on telling Phil all the places he applied to, as he hadn’t committed anywhere yet. However, though, he did happen to be expecting a letter from the University of East London, a short ride on the tube from their new apartment. He applied to several others around the country, including one in America, but now he knew where he was destined to go after having a terrible time deciding where to go. Of course, all the places he’d applied to were equally great - sufficient programs, nice cities, lots to offer, but with them all offering the same accommodations it made it very hard for Dan to decide.

They joined Dan’s mother in the kitchen, filing through the mail on the table to find several letters from nearby universities. He tossed aside the ones from Manchester, Plymouth, Newcastle, until he got to the final one - the one he’d hoped was there. He didn’t show Phil that he’d gotten one for London as not to get his hopes up, but after seeing the big block letters and the exclamation points he couldn’t hide the giddy feeling and started jumping up and down in place.

“London! I got into East London!” he exclaimed.

His mother and Phil joined him in his cheers, receiving hugs from both.

July 15, 6:41pm

“So, we kind of have something to tell you guys,” Dan started.

Phil grabbed his hand underneath the dinner table.

“Well, you see, when I was going to London, before I even got there, this guy got pushed into the seat next to me, and well, I think you can guess who it was. We’ve spent all this time together, actually, at his flat in London. He just moved there. So, what we decided is that instead of paying for room and board at university, I’m going to move in with Phil and commute. There’s a train station five minutes from the apartment and it’s a short ride to East London. We know it’s short notice, but I guess I didn’t really realize just how magical it really is, like how you always said.”

Phil stepped in.

“I know you really don’t know me, I mean besides seeing me for eighteen years and whatnot, but we talked about it a lot, and we really believe this is the wisest decision, as now that I finally found him I don’t want to spend a day without him. I’m sure you know what it’s like, after hearing a story like yours.”

Dan’s parents sat back, taking it all in, eyes wide.

“So you’re sure, 100%? Because if this is what you two really want, we understand,” Dan’s mother said after a moment.

Dan turned to his mother, his eyes gleaming with certainty. “We’re sure. Promise.”

“Well, what do you think?” his mother said to his father.

“I think…” he began.

“I think it’s wonderful. I’m just so glad you found each other.”

Dan was ecstatic. The smile tugging at either side of his face was pulled so tight his teeth were showing. He turned to Phil, intoxicating him with his smile.

That night, Phil helped Dan pack his things up into bags while his parents went out to buy moving boxes and call the same car service Phil had used just days ago.

“I can’t believe this is happening. It’s all happening, Dan!” Phil shouted, scooping Dan from under his arms.

“I know, Phil. I know.”

In some other universe, things may not be as perfect as here. But in this one, you fall in love with your soulmate before you even meet them. You are destined to find this person and spend every moment brightening each other’s lives. Others may not understand how this works, and Dan himself may not understand how it works, and Phil may never be able to wrap his head around how lucky he is. Luckily though, in this universe, the world is a magical place full of magical things, where things will always end up the way they are supposed to.

September 8, 7:05am

Today is Dan’s first day at the University of East London.

“You look cute,” Phil said, adjusting Dan’s collar and straightening out the straps on his backpack.

“You’d say that anyway,” Dan joked.

“Thank you for an amazing summer. I hope you have a great day,” Phil said.

Phil watched as Dan skipped up to him, kissed him on the cheek and then on the lips, told him he loved him, then closed the door behind him.

He exhaled happily.

“I love you, too, Dan.”

[alchemyphan-blog]

I’m Not Going to Hurt You

word count: 6.5k 

style: fluff

desc: it’s dan’s first time visiting phil, and spending their first time together in phil’s university leads to them learning a lot about each other. written in 2014.

a/n: caution: mentions of rape

I laid on top of his bed, looking up at him. He was the most beautiful thing you’d ever see - strong and muscular, but so soft and desirable. Phil was practically sitting on top of me, his fringe dangling by his eyes and hands on my chest. All I wanted was him, and I made it clear.

We had been waiting for this night to be perfect for as long as I can remember. Where it would happen, how, and everything in between. We had talked about this day for weeks, maybe months. We planned everything, right down to the train times for a certain weekend in October.

And now, this weekend was upon us.

~

Friday afternoon, at 3:44. Dan would be there in at least ten minutes, on his final stop underground where Phil would be greeting him. His legs bounced uncontrollably, and his fingers shook in their sockets. He could feel the sweat dribble down the back of his neck, only made worse by the confinement of the overheated and stuffy quarters of the tube. 

But Dan kept thinking about seeing Phil’s face when he got off, and being able to wrap his arms around him finally. Dan had missed him so much, and they hadn’t even met yet. The time had come, and he knew that it was worth all this wait.

The intercom clicked on, and the muffled voice of the conductor informed the riders they were coming into Manchester. Dan’s heart froze and he stopped cold. He had never been so nervous, and simultaneously excited as hell. The metal doors began to open, and people poured out, Dan not standing up early enough getting out just as the doors began to close again.

He quickly ran through the door, nervously adjusting his hair and straightening out his jumper. Never had it been so cold in October that he’d have to wear one so early.

As people made the transition from the platform to the carriage and vice versa, Dan saw a tall figure standing in the corner of the station. His hair was dark and a few strands fell into his eyes. He was wearing this Tokyo Festival tee and a blue zip-up hoodie, complimented with black skinny jeans mutual to Dan’s. As he walked closer, Dan’s suspicions grew truer when he saw him holding up a sign with his name scribbled on it like a taxi driver. Dan instantly dropped the bags slung loosely over his shoulders and ran the 4 feet remaining between them to him. He let go of his sign and extended his arms and Dan finally felt his embrace.

I was hugging the man of my dreams, Phil Lester.

It had probably been about 5 minutes and they still were hugging. He took Dan’s bag in his hand.

“Oh, no, it’s okay, I’ve got it,” Dan said quickly, not wanting him to feel like he had to carry his bags.

“Oh no you don’t, this is your weekend with me and we said it would be perfect. And perfect to me is treating you like a prince,” he replied.

Dan vigorously blushed even under freezing temperatures and it was undeniably noticeable. He touched the back of his fingers to Dan’s cheeks, which only made it worse. He giggled a little bit and he smirked, which only made Dan grin like an idiot.

“Come on, my uni hall is only a few blocks from here and I don’t want you to stay out here and get any more colder,” he said.

Dan could tell he would be blushing a lot during my time with him.

They began walking up and out of the station, and gusts of frigid air hit them. Dan was glad he had worn the jumper, because otherwise he'd probably have frozen. “You don’t have to do all of this,” Dan said, he still holding his bag and carrying the sign.

“Dan, don’t start. I told you we’d have the perfect weekend. And I want to deliver.”

Dan decided he most likely wouldn’t be winning this argument, and allowed him to carry his bag as he walked beside Phil.

In the 4 blocks it took to walk to his hall, it ended up being a mini tour - he pointing out his favorite Starbucks, the park, and places he’d go. Dan could see the glimmer in his eyes when he talked about the things he was passionate about, and he just couldn’t stop staring at Phil the whole time instead of what he was pointing out.

“Oh, and right up this street, yeah, that’s my uni hall,” he said, gesturing towards the large and sophisticated looking array of buildings.

“Wow,” Dan said.

“What?” he asked.

“It’s huge. And, you know, doesn’t look like a can,” Dan said under embarrassment. This was all so new to him, and all he wanted was to make a good impression.

Phil turned to him and smiled. “Come on, let me show you around.”

Dan nodded, and soon enough he used his free hand to point to everything they'd come across this weekend. He took it all in, this time trying to concentrate on what he was pointing to instead of his angelic face.

They turned down a smaller path, and five minutes later he was unlocking the door to his dorm room. The anticipation was jabbing at Dan’s sides as he tried to contain my excitement. The room he had solely seen through various cameras was now 3-dimensional. It still felt like some kind of dream, but pinching his own arm wouldn’t wake him from this one. Dan could touch the green and blue duvet he’d always stared at, and could see Lion laying on the carpet underneath his video camera. It was all so surreal. This was actually happening.

Phil set Dan’s bags down on the foot of his bed. “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll go grab us something to drink,” he said on his way out.

Dan did as he said, removing my shoes and setting them in the corner of the room. Looking around, he noted the clothes were set in piles scattered in a corner of the room, and stacks of books occupied most of his desk. On the opposite of his room his video camera sat on the window ledge, small lights and compliments of the natural light from the large window surrounding it. His bed nailed to the side of the wall was rippled with his duvet and fanart draped from the bulletin board above it. Dan crawled on top of Phil’s bed, legs dangling off the edge. He checked his phone while waiting for Phil to return. It was already almost 4:30, and the sun was beginning to set far too early. The windows were open, and the crisp air ventilated through the room, and brought chills through Dan’s arms and legs each time a gust came.

Phil came back, two bottles of water in his hands. He handed one to Dan, and joined me on his bed. Dan opened it, the cap crackling breaking the silence that had fallen. He tossed it across the room, it thankfully landing in the already-full garbage can.

“Smooth,” Phil said grinning.

“I try,” Dan replied.

He set down his water bottle. “Are you okay? You know, with all of this,” he asked me.

“Don’t worry, I’m good. This is kind of, like, my dream coming true,” Dan confessed, reassuring him.

Phil laughed. “Okay, good. Let me know if anything happens though. People around here can get kinda weird. But I won’t let you leave my side,” he said.

Dan put his hand on Phil’s thigh and looked up at him as his answer. With his intent look, he knew Phil got the message.

By this time the water bottles had been placed out of focus and everything beyond Phil’s bed had blurred. They were sat parallel to each other on top of his bed, Phil’s fingers raking lightly through  Dan’s hair. He blushed intensely, looking down. His hand retracted, and Phil placed the other on Dan’s opposite knee. Dan looked up. Phil had this dead sexy look on his face that made him go a little nuts for him.

Before Dan knew it, Phil’s lips had come in contact with his own.

Oh my god. I am kissing him. I am kissing Phil right this very moment. His lips are on mine. I am in his room and we are kissing on his bed.

He moved his hands up to Dan’s shoulders, and gradually Phil’s tongue slipped into his mouth. Their bodies moved to the rhythm of the kiss, Phil guiding Dan with him. Dan laid on top of his bed, looking up at Phil. He was the most beautiful thing Dan had ever seen  - strong and muscular, but so soft and desirable. Phil was practically sitting on top of him, his fringe dangling by his eyes and hands on Dan’s chest. All Dan wanted was Phil, and him made it clear.

They had been waiting for this night to be perfect for as long as either of them could remember. Where it would happen, how, and everything in between. They had talked about this day for weeks, maybe months. They planned everything, right down to the train times for a certain weekend in October.

And now, the weekend was upon them.

Phil had known had vaguely experienced Dan was, but there was one thing he didn’t know about and didn’t plan on telling him. Dan didn’t want it to ruin anything.

Dan knew he could trust him, but there are some people he couldn’t. But can he let himself? He promised himself he couldn’t ruin this moment for either of them.

But it bit at Dan’s insides incessantly. The panic. The fear. No escape. Every night it re-created itself in his mind as it got more and more vivid. Dan didn’t know how far he could take it until he eventually  broke. But he wanted this. He wanted this so badly.

Phil kissed just below Dan’s lips, his chin working down his neck. He had remembered Dan’s neck phobia, and instantly went gentle. He wanted to scream at how cute it was.

But soon after Phil got to the top of Dan’s low-riding jumper. His neck bones had been exposed, and he kissed all around them. He had shed his hoodie, and asked for permission before removing Dan’s jumper. He accepted, and soon it joined Phil’s blue zip-up on the ground. Underneath Dan had on a low-rise tee shirt, and his chest was almost fully exposed. Phil kissed all down the center of Dan’s body, he laying frozen and praying himself to keep it together and let this happen.

He placed his hands low on Dan’s hips, Phil sitting on the edge of his bed with his body laying horizontal. He touched his forehead to Dan’s stomach, his mouth just before Dan’s belt line.

All the alarms went off. Instantly Dan began to drip sweat and shake vigorously. His legs were trembling, heart palpitating. It was exactly how it had started three years ago. Dan had wished Phil wouldn’t notice so he could continue enjoying this, but he didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. His breath had caught, and it was noticeable Dan was in distress.

Immediately Phil jumped off the bed, and ran to Dan’s head side. Tears were streaming down his face as he tried to force them away.

“D-Dan? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Phil asked frantically.

Dan stood there still frozen shut with his body trembling. He could barely stutter an answer.

“I..” he began.

“What is it? You can tell me,” Phil said, stroking my hair.

“-Thought I c-could do th-is,” Dan managed out. Tears dripped onto his duvet. He felt like an idiot.

Phil sat on his knees just before the bed, an arm stretched above Dan’s head and the other dwindled in his messy fringe.

“Dan, what happened? Don’t be afraid to tell me, I’m not going to hurt you,” he cooed, which only made the tears come more. Dan tried to sit up, but felt like he was weighed down into his bed. Phil saw his attempt, and slowly began to sit Dan upright. He grabbed his water bottle.

“Here, take a drink and relax,” he said. He did as Phil told him.

Dan sat there for a few moments before he willed himself to make fathomable sentences.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“There’s no need to be sorry, Dan. Did something happen?” Phil asked.

Dan could feel his stomach drop about 15 and a half miles. This is exactly what he tried to avoid. He didn’t want Phil to have to know about this or have it affect him nowadays.

Dan decided he had to tell him. It was the only way it could sound logical.

“About three years ago, something...happened,” Dan started.

“No,” Phil said, a worried expression plastered on his face.

“I-I was 15, and there was this...guy who had moved in down the street from me,” he said, being sucked into the same vortex of agony that haunted Dan every night.

Phil looked at him, his eyes wide.

“And he had heard about me living down the road, and came to say hello. So he knocked on my door and I answered, and we met. After which we ended up spending quite a lot of time together, and we became pretty close. I thought he was really my friend. But about 6 months after this had been going on, he called me on a random Friday night at like 11 and asked me to come over. No one was home, my mum and dad had taken my brother to a place uptown for the weekend and I stayed home with the dog. I decided to go,” he took a breath and looked over at Phil, as he had been staring down onto his carpet for the last minute. Phil was looking at Dan, and he knew where this was going.

“It was really dark in his house when I got there, and he was alone. I was texting him, and he asked me to come straight in and to his basement. I did so. I got there and it was pitch black except for a candle in the corner of the room and I could see his face reflecting off of it.”

“Come sit with me,” he said.

“Dude, why are all the lights off? Did you power go out and something?” I asked.

“Just sit,” he demanded. So I did.

“No one is home. They won’t be back for at least 5 or 6 hours.”

“Okay, cool. So do you wanna tell me why all the lights are-” he cut me off.

“Shut up.” I withdrew. What was up with him tonight?

“Now we promised that some things we would never tell anyone, correct?” he asked me.

“Of course. Why, is there something you need to tell me?” I answered.

“This night never happened. Got it?” He asked in a stern voice.

“Um, okay, what’s going on?” I returned, confused.

Next thing I knew he had pushed me down onto the ground and he was on top of me. He started violently kissing me. I tried to squirm away but he refused to loosen his grip on me.

“What’s a matter, gay-boy?” he teased. “Thought this was all you dreamed of.”

“Get off me, you dick,” I pleaded. He had been getting progressively offensive and generally rude for the past few weeks. I wondered if it was just a phase, him being an 18-year-old and his last year of school being a bit hectic. I was only 15, but despite we had become good friends. He became really trustworthy, and we had resorted to telling the other our secrets. Maybe telling him I was gay was not the best decision, as after I became extremely paranoid he would spill his guts for a laugh or use it against me. Now I began to regret it.

He ripped open my perfectly good shirt and there was nothing I could do. He tossed it to the side and kicked my shoes off.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.

“Did I not tell you to shut up?” he said. I had no choice but to lay there while he did whatever he wanted to. He flipped me onto my side and my face contacted the cold cement ground he had. Everywhere else was carpeted except for a single patch which was occupied by us.

He ripped off my too tight jeans and slid them off my ankles. I was almost completely naked in front of another guy, something I had thought about before but never wanted it to occur like this.

And then the inevitable happened.

He rammed into me and I yelped in extreme pain. It felt like a thousand pieces of shattered glass were breaking inside me.

Oh god. I am being raped. He is raping me right now and there is nothing I can do. I let this happen, and this is all my fault. I didn’t have to come but I did. I could have left when I wanted to. But I let this happen. And now I was paying the price.

I screamed out once more.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP,” he yelled. It rang in my ears. Bruises marked my hips and stomach, and my face was bashed in from my landing onto the ground. I could barely feel my legs. I needed to escape. I saw my own blood on the concrete flooring. I crawled and clawed to a wooden post nearby and tried to get to safety. He detached me from it and demanded I do as he told. So for in no way fathomable of an amount of time, I laid there pinned to the ground being raped. I screamed, and I cried, but no one could hear.

Sirens roared and lights flashed outside his basement window. There were knocks on his door. He ran upstairs and I hid in the corner behind a punching bag, breathing heavily and tears stained on my cheeks. His muffled voice attempted to defend himself.

“We had calls from the neighbors about loud screams. It sounded pretty serious,” I could hear one clearly say.

Soon loud sets of footsteps were landing in every direction. People were in this house, and they were looking for me. Soon enough every door was opened and searched, and they opened the obvious basement door.

“No! You can’t do this! This is my house!” he pleaded, one last chance to save himself. It was too late.

“Hey, anyone here?” a voice called. Light had shone through the door and everything became visible. The candle still burned.

Two men dug up his possessions and examined the dried blood on the floor. My eyes peered at them, and I couldn’t decide whether or not to expose myself. I tried to remain perfectly still, amidst the uncontrollable shaking and my breathing.

I hiccuped a cry. They found me.

They pushed back the punching bag and saw me huddled in the corner.

“Hey, come here!” the one shouted to the other. They knelt by my side and grabbed me.

“Are you injured? Can you speak?” they asked me. I felt frozen in my state. I couldn’t speak. So I just welled up and cried.

I screamed. They were inches from my face, and I couldn’t stop screaming. On a count they picked me up and ran up the stairs with me and shoved me into the back of the ambulance.

I woke up hours later in a pale white hospital room, and looked at my wrist. “Trauma Ward”.

The coming weeks and months would induce heavy therapy in-hospital. The same routine each day.

People would visit me, on visiting days if they bothered. I was heavily monitored and drugged from then on out. I could rarely see my parents or even my brother, and all contact had been shunned. It was lonely. It was brutal. And despite their efforts I will never be the same. And then I found Phil. 

Dan looked up, feeling his burning cheeks. Tears were starting to stream down his face as he took a sip of Phil’s water. Dan found any strength in himself to look at Phil.

He was staring at Dan intensely. He couldn’t tell what Phil was thinking.

He said nothing, but took Dan in his arms. They laid in his room on his bed like this all night.

Saturday

Phil had woken up before Dan, leaving him a note.

Early class this morning, the only one all weekend. Should be back by 8:30 or so. If you go out and to the left you’ll find a place that serves breakfast. Miss you already, wish I could see your pretty face when you woke up.

-Phil ^-^

Dan smiled and folded the note, harvesting it in his pocket. He was hardly hungry after the night they’d had, so he crawled back under the sheets with his laptop for the remaining hour he had without Phil. This was all such a haze to Dan still, and decided what better than to write a massive blog post about it.

Yes, before you all flip out, I am with Phil. No, we did not do anything last night (but I’ll keep you updated). We are spending the whole weekend together. Currently he has an early class so I’m keeping the bed warm. But I told him some pretty crazy stuff last night, stuff I haven’t even told you guys. But it was serious business, and we will not go without talking about it again. Pretty heavy.

Putting that aside, I still am in utter shock this is all happening, probably as much as you are. Sorry, for the people I’ve just made jealous about successfully being his #1 fan enough to be in his bed now.

It’s as just a shock for me as it probably is to you. I feel insanely grateful to have him in my life and to be helping me in unexplainable ways. And thanks to all of you as well. Right, well as it’s too early for human interaction I’m going to cuddle up in Phil’s bed and wait for him to return.

Stay classy,

Dan

He pressed enter and soon enough the notes rolled in. He decided to ignore it for now, and would address it soon enough. Dan wasn’t going to waste a second of this. His eyes grew heavy and  soon enough fluttered back to sleep.

Dan woke up later to a familiar smell, like home. He opened my eyes, and Phil was sitting at the foot of the bed, stuffing his face with pancakes. He swallowed.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said.

Dan rubbed his eyes. “Hi,” he said in a husky but happy tone. “What time is it?”

“About 9:15. Sorry I didn’t wake you, I just wanted to watch you sleep.”

He blushed. Phil was the sweetest person on this planet.

“Got you some breakfast, didn’t want you to be hungry when you woke up,” he said, handing Dan a small styrofoam box filled with pancakes. He accepted, and smothered it in butter and joined him in shoveling them into his mouth with a cheap plastic fork.

“How was your class?” Dan asked him, slightly inaudible by the muffling sounds of his mouth.

“Eh, it was alright. Knowing you were sitting in my bed in my dorm kept torturing me,” he smirked. “I saw your post on Tumblr too.”

Dan’s stomach dropped. He hadn’t even thought about Phil seeing it.

Phil saw his expression and placed a hand on Dan’s leg. “Don’t worry, it was really cute. I loved it,” he admitted before another mouthful of pancake. Dan smiled with his mouth closed, food filling up his reddened cheeks. Phil reached out a hand and squeezed them.

11:43 A.M.

Dan sat across from Phil in a tiny cafe down on-campus. They hadn’t ordered lunch, but had two caramel macchiatos in hand. The grass outside had a tiny frost over it. Phil gave Dan his sweatshirt to wear.

He took a breath. Dan already knew where this was going.

“So, last night,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” he sounded, weaker than he intended.

“I’m glad you told me, though. Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I wouldn’t have looked at you any other way than I already do.”

“Well why would I tell you? Things were going so well, I didn’t want to ruin anything by saying it. I just feel so bad I couldn’t have been there like I’ve dreamt about,” Dan said. I took a second thought on his last remark. “Not in a creepy way,” he added quickly.

He laughed quietly, and took his hand. “Dan, nothing could ruin this, not even that. But what happened - that’s really serious. I mean I understand why probably no one knows that but I just cannot believe I’ve gone so long without knowing. I’m glad you’re safe from him now. Where is he, speaking of? If it’s not too much,” he asked.

“No, no, it’s totally fine. But he’s in prison. 16 year sentence for, uh, yeah,” Dan said, suddenly not wanting to say it out loud. “They asked me a whole bunch of questions about it to figure exactly what he’d done and what they’d file it under if he wanted to get a job after his sentence.”

“Oh. Well, it’s good that he’s locked up where he should be. And what about you?” Phil questioned.

“What about me?”

“Well, what happened with you after all of this?”

Dan paused. He remembered exactly what happened. In an instant it all came flashing back, but he couldn’t show Phil. He needed to tell him. Someone needed to finally know.

“Well, once the police had found me in his basement they put me into an ambulance and I passed out. I remember waking up in the middle of the night without knowing where I was or what was going on. I looked around and I was tied down to the bed. Luckily I could move my arms and a legs a little bit and I noticed something was on my wrist. I looked at it and realized it was a hospital bracelet. I looked a little closer and realized it had said,”Dan took a breath. “It said Trauma Ward.

So for about the next two months I was in in-patient therapy at the hospital. I couldn’t wear my own clothes most of the time, they made me wear the gowns when they found out I was stuffing weights in my pockets because I didn’t eat. By that time I had really given up on everything and ended up spending more time there than was necessary because I just gave up halfway. I’d had enough, I just didn’t see purpose in anything after it all happened and my life just kinda shut down. I, uh, tried to go a few times. It being a hospital and me being watched every 5 seconds I didn’t exactly do what I wanted. Then one Christmas they let me have my whole family come in and spend the day with me. My brother actually spent the night with me. But that Christmas was really special, because apparently my parents had talked to my doctor about letting me have something I could actually talk to people on, so I could Skype them when I was there and talk to other people besides that. So, I spent like 16 hours a day on the internet, mostly YouTube. I started watching people like Charlie, Community Channel, stuff like that.”

And Dan had realized it had turned into how he got to where he was today. He smirked, and continued the story with a sarcastically giggling tone now. “And then in the suggestions there was this guy called Phil. I liked his hair, and his thumbnail was cute. So I clicked the video.

This guy who had this Northern accent sitting on his floor started talking to me. And in that moment,” he said, now turning mildly serious but a hint of silly in his voice, “I know that there was something very special about this boy.”

He finished, looking at Phil. He had this look on his face like if the place was completely empty right now he would have thrown Dan onto the table and kissed him. Instead he took a sip of his drink, pulled his sleeves around his hands, and said, “Let’s go for a walk.”

Dan nodded, and soon Phil took him into his arm and they exited the cafe.

The air was much colder than the night before, possibly a 15 degree difference. The frost caking the grass glistened even though it was severely cloudy. Their feet crunched whenever they walked in it.

Phil still had Dan under his arm, and he led him through an abandoned pathway that looks like it hasn’t been used in 10 years. He walked Dan through the trees and bushes that had adopted the path until they came to a clearing - a small circle with a pit in the center, charcoal and burnt wood had remained. Three logs surrounded the pit and shaped a triangle.

“I come here a lot, even though rarely anyone else does anymore. People stopped using it as ‘The Pit’ when they found a place closer but far enough off campus.

It may not have been anything, but for some reason Dan loved it. “It’s beautiful,” he said.

He sat Dan down on a log, and cradled him close to his body.

He exhaled. Dan could see it form a cloud just around Phil’s mouth.

“No matter what has happened, will happen or what won’t happen, I could never let you go. Nothing will change that,” he said.

Dan’s nose had gone cold from the red, and the fur hat had kept my ears from getting bitten by the cold, but nothing stopped his cheeks from flourishing at his remark.

Dan leaned up and kissed him.

And for hours, they stayed at The Pit, kissing.

9:19 P.M.

The Chinese food they ordered made its way to being sat right next to the garbage but not quite inside of it.

“Okay, so then what’s your favorite song by them?” Phil asked Dan, in reference to Muse.

“You can’t make me answer that! That’s no fair,” he whined, grinning.

“Okay fine. What about album?” Phil said.

I paused to think about it for a minute. It was kinda hard, loving everything they’ve ever created. If they gave me a restraining order I would probably frame the papers.

“I know mine,” he said.

“Okay, I think I’ve got it,” Dan replied.

They looked at each other.

“One…” he started.

“Two...”

“Three!”

“Origin Of Symmetry!” both blurted out. Instantly they died laughing.

They were sprawled out across Phil’s bed, and Phil’s fingers were occupied with Dan’s hair. They played a lazy game of footsie, and Dan’s hands formed figurines and played on top of Phil’s stomach. He never wanted to leave this moment. The windows were still open, and the temperature had dropped another 10 degrees. It was extremely cold, but they were both too lazy to get off their shivering butts and grab another blanket. So Phil invited Dan to join his embrace, and he huddled into him with the duvet and sheets tightly pulled over their bodies.

“So, what else don’t I know about you?” he asked Dan.

“Oh boy, let’s not open that door,” Dan said giggling.

“I’ll tell you one thing about me if you tell me one thing about you,” he wagered.

“Okay, fine,” Dan said. He thought about something he hadn’t told him but was worthy enough to tell him now.

“Um, okay, I’ve got it.”

“Well go on,” he said.

“I play the piano,” Dan said.

“You do? Why haven’t you told me that! That’s worth mentioning, you could play me songs to fall asleep to,” he said, smiling.

“Okay, I went, now you go,” Dan reminded him, wanting to hear what he had to say.

“Alright.”

He paused. He looked down at Dan with those shimmering glossed over eyes.

You could go swimming in those eyes.

“I love you,” Phil simply said.

Dan looked up at him again. He was speechless. What was there to say?

“I-I love you too,” Dan stuttered. He could barely talk.

In an instant his head lowered and he connected Dan’s lips to his. Dan’s hand reached to the side of his jaw and Phil’s reached around and joined below his shoulders. It was a lot slower than last time. They were underneath the duvet by now, engulfed in the warmth they created. His lights were on, and pockets of it shone through the spaces under the blankets.

Dan just wanted to do this for real this time. He wanted to show him how much he loved Phil too. “I really wanna do this,” Dan told him, fighting off the anxiousness. “It’s okay Dan, calm down. Just stay calm. Are you okay?” he asked, his thumb stroking above Dan’s eyebrow. He nodded.

“Okay. We are going to take it slow. Nothing bad is going to happen, I’m right here, and I’m not going to hurt you.”

Dan let Phil take control, telling him it was okay to let go. Hesitantly Dan became to come okay with it, despite the fact he was still a pile of sweat and paranoia. His chest was practically jumping up and down with his heart overworking.

Phil placed his hand on the center of Dan’s chest.

“Your heart is beating so fast,” he said.

“Yeah,” Dan breathed, trying to keep my cool.

“Why?”

“I’m scared.”

“Why are you scared, Dan?”

“Because I love you,” he blurted out.

He kept his hand on Dan’s heart, and as light as ever possible he placed his lips gently onto Dan’s.

They were both wearing their lounge pants, and somehow during this they had detached themselves and were laying on the floor. Dan was wearing an old shirt with chinese words written across the top that he had no idea what they meant. Phil wore his red babycakes shirt. All Dan wanted was for this to happen.

“Okay, Dan. We’re gonna take it really slow. If anything happens, you let me know. Alright?” he asked.

Dan nodded again.

And again Phil was kissing him slowly, and Dan couldn’t imagine himself retracting from the taste of Phil’s lips. Dan wanted him. He wanted this.

Phil removed his shirt and Dan did the same. He had sat Dan up a little, and hand rubbing his back to relax him.

“It’s all going to be okay.”

Dan’s breathing was abnormal. He tried to take in as many as he could so he wouldn’t pass out. Phil’s fingers trailed lines along Dan’s back. He looked at Phil, who was smiling down at Dan, and he let his head lay just below Phil’s collarbone.

Dan exhaled. He wasn’t going to hold back anymore, or at least as much as he could.

He kissed Phil, and he kissed him hard. So hard that it took Phil back actually - but Dan just needed this to happen. Phil crawled on top of Dan and they got into a perfect rhythm with the kiss that would never end. He was hunched over top of Dan, blocking the light directly above his head but his face was brightly visible. Dan was almost hyperventilating, but he didn’t care anymore. And he wanted him to know not to stop.

“Phil, I need this. Don’t stop,” Dan pleaded.

“For you, anything.”

And Dan took Phil’s word on that. Through it all Phil kept himself extremely gentle despite telling him it was okay. And even though Dan could not allow myself to give in all the way and do what he’d dreamt of, he was making progress. It was the first time he’d come close to being with someone for as long as he’d remember, and not for a millisecond would I regret it being with the person Dan loved more than anything.

“You did good,” Phil told him once we had calmed. “I’m proud you let yourself do what you could. You’re doing good.”

Dan couldn’t speak, so he just crawled onto Phil’s chest, pulling the duvet over them, and fell asleep to Phil stroking his arm, drawing circles in the crease of his elbow. The lights were off, the fireflies outside his window igniting the cold air.

Sunday, 8:08 A.M.

A kiss had been placed to the top of Dan’s forehead to replace the alarm.

“Good morning, Bear,” Phil sang.

“Mmm, hi there,” he mumbled. Dan couldn’t help but remember that he would have to leave today, and knew how hard it would be. He wished he could live in Phil’s bed, suspended in the crook of his arm which he fit perfectly in

“Ugh, I can’t believe I have to leave today,” Dan moaned.

“Don’t,” he said after a minute.

“Hm?”

“Don’t leave.”

“I wish I didn’t have to.”

“No. I’m serious. Don’t ever leave,” Phil told Dan.

Dan blushed. Phil was right. He should never leave.

“I won’t. Never will I leave right here.”

“Promise?” he asked me.

“Promise.”

“Forever?”

“And for always.”

And Dan didn’t leave.

[alchemyphan-blog]

I’ve Got a Thing For Suits

word count: 1.8k

style: smut

desc: dan and phil get invited to a fancy premiere, but seeing phil in a suit just becomes too much for dan to handle.

It wasn’t very often Dan would get to see Phil in particularly spiffing clothes. It always sparked his imagination to think of him all dressed, suit and tie, pulling at the lapels of a jacket. He’d seen one in his closet for so long, and couldn’t imagine what it’d be like to actually see him with one on. It was fair to say that suits were a bit turn on for Dan, almost a kink.

So when Phil walked into the lounge tonight wearing that suit, it’s fair to say it took Dan off guard. His hair had been pushed back, and his tie was thin and showed off his chest through his white dress shirt underneath. His belt held up the trousers sitting perfect on his legs, tugging in the perfect places and tightening around his crotch, silhouetting his cock. Dan knew he’d have to get up as they were to leave soon, but couldn’t bring himself to get off the couch from his view at Phil. He was tightening his collar, looking out the window and turned back to Dan. He saw his jaw half opened and his eyes wide, and suddenly he backed away.

“What’s wrong, Dan?” Phil asked.

His breath was caught somewhere in his throat, and the only thing he could do was wander his eyes over him. He coughed.

“Y-You look…” he tried to say. He never thought it would turn him on this much to see Phil in a suit. Phil looked down at him, waiting for Dan to make out what he wanted to say.

“I-” Dan stuttered, standing up quickly. He placed his hands on Phil’s shoulders, feeling the soft fabric beneath his fingers. He smashed his lips to Phil’s, backing him against the wall and letting his hands feel all over his body. Phil let a sound somewhere between a shriek and a deep moan. He kissed Dan back, clasping his hands around the back of Dan’s neck. He drew back for a long breath, finally able to make coherent sentences.

“I’m not gonna make it through the night if you’re gonna wear that suit.”

“What, you’ve got a suit fetish or something?” he asked jokingly.

“Yeah, I do,” he answered in a deep tone. Phil looked down, and around his feet. He lifted his head up, eyebrows flicking.

“Oh really?” he teased.

Dan’s hands grasped at Phil’s tie, stroking along the silky fabric. He looked to Phil with hungry eyes. “I’ve got a, uh, thing I guess, for suits.”

Phil leaned down close to his ear, and licked the shell. “Well I’m going to make you want it so bad you’ll come just looking at this suit. I’m not going to make it easy for you tonight,” he whispered inside his ear. Dan let out an exasperated breath, unable to control himself. He was aching so hard in his suit trousers he practically grabbed his own cock. Phil took Dan’s hand, and they walked out of the apartment and to the tube.

They were invited to attend a red carpet movie premiere and dinner party, which they kindly accepted. The tube was packed full of people, and very possible someone there that knew them or of them. They knew in public they couldn’t act like a couple, only under extremely rare circumstances in which it was only people they knew well that knew, no cameras, and no one knew where they were. As thousands of fans, photographers, and other strangers would be attending, they knew they’d have to act as friends. While it was a huge struggle and weight on their lives to not be themselves in public, it was almost fun kind of being this huge secret.

Phil’s hand ran from Dan’s knee up into his thigh, and as their sides pressed together he could hear Dan’s breath hitching at the sensation. He looked around quickly, scoping to see if anyone was watching them extensively. Phil could feel Dan getting achingly harder throughout the entire ride to the premiere.

“Jesus Phil,” Dan whispered close to Phil’s ear.

“Please, this is only the beginning. Theaters are dark, you know.”

As soon as they were seen, cameras and other forms of flashing lights swarmed them. After signing things, speaking to cameras and taking photos, they were escorted down the main red carpet, where a friendly face greeted them.

“Oh hey, PJ!” Phil shouted over the noise, acting as though there was no sexual tension between him and Dan.

“Hey you guys!” PJ jogged over to Dan and Phil, taking a photo and walking the rest of the carpet with them.

“Great turnout this year, eh?” he asked.

“Yeah, I never expected something as big as this,” Dan said. By now the hard-on had declined a slight bit, but every now and then Phil would shoot him a look that made it grow.

The red carpet came to an end, and a thinner one ran through the doors to the theater and they followed it to their seats. They watched as the stragglers filed in around them, and Phil went in front of Dan, taking his hand to lead him to the top back corner. Phil sat him down, sitting on the left of Dan. There were few people surrounding them, if any in a radius. The lights were on as the film hadn’t started, but dim. Popcorn scattered onto the ground, whispered were exchanged, and the last photos for a few hours were taken.

“And now you’ve gotta stay up in this corner for the entire movie with nothing to do but sit here,” he whispered, leaning in close and placing his hand to trail his fingers across Dan’s neck. “Don’t forget to be quiet. We’re in a theater.”

Dan shuddered, and felt his pants getting tighter.

“How about this, Dan? What are you gonna do knowing you can’t yell or say a thing at all? Knowing I can do all I want and you just have to sit there and let it happen?”

Dan swallowed hard, trying to contain his sweat bullets and the hardness in his pants. Phil continued to tease Dan through the entire movie, both of them not paying any attention and waiting for the credits to roll around so Dan can give him payback for making him wait and hunger for him.

As the music died and the credits began, people rose from their seats, stretching their backs and exiting the theater.

“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. Come with me,” Phil ordered. Dad nodded quickly, standing up and walking swiftly behind him out of the theater and to the bathroom.

Phil looked around in case someone was watching him before grabbing Dan’s wrist to pull him into the bathroom. He stood with his back pressed onto the door, and Dan shifted awkwardly in the middle of the bathroom. Phil began to walk closer and closer to Dan, enough to touch him and make Dan voice the noise of a horny teenager.

“Phil…” his voice trailed. “S-suit, on you-”

“What’s that? The suit?” Phil teased, standing back to spin once and tug on the lapels of his jacket.

“Phil, stop, I...can’t…” he breathed. Dan was a hot mess.

“Is it my suit, Dan?” Phil teased. “I told you I wouldn’t be making it easy for you tonight, maybe you should’ve listened.” He popped the collar of his shirt and cuffed his sleeves for his own amusement. Dan was flustered - his hair was curling at the edges and sweat bulleted its way down his face.

“God Phil, just fuck me already,” Dan pleaded. He was tired of waiting for him.

Phil walked across the floor to meet Dan. He looked to the side of them, landing over the three cubicles in front of them. One was significantly larger than the others, which may be helpful. He looked back to Dan, his expression begging Phil to do anything. In a split second, Phil grabbed his wrist violently, throwing him into the cubicle and locking the door. He threw Dan up against the wall nearest to them and kissed him, already flicking his tongue down along Dan’s lower lip. He backed farther into the wall, arching his back and bucking his hips forward into Phil.

Keeping their lips connected, Phil’s hands wandered down Dan’s chest and to the buckle of his belt. It was unusually tight around his waist, and he unbuckled it to relieve the pressure around his crotch. Dan let out a moan as his trousers fell from his legs and rested around his ankles. Phil dropped to his knees, lifting up Dan’s feet to toss his pants to side so he was left with just his thin boxers and jacket. While still on his knees, Phil took the waistband of Dan’s boxers into his fingers. He pulled them down, leaving Dan exposed. For a moment Phil just set his gaze on what was directly in front of him before taking it into his mouth without warning or caution. Dan’s hands grabbed against the wall, violently trying to find something to grasp onto when he found Phil’s hair and latched on.

“Phil, Phil-” he mused. He slammed himself into the wall every few seconds when Phil would start as his base again, another pound of pleasure surging through him. His mouth circled around his cock, and Phil pursed his lips at the tip. Dan threw his head back and felt his legs tremble. He was almost completely fucked out. Phil swirled his tongue around once and pulled away. It only took Phil to graze his fingers along Dan’s cock for him to come into his hands, sighing loudly with his head against the wall, Phil’s hands still on Dan’s thighs.

“What, I make you wait this whole time and you’re already braindead? I must’ve done a good job,” Phil said, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

Dan caught his breath, drawing in an excessive amount of air each time to nourish his lungs.

“You,” he breathed, “are a dickhead.”

“You’re welcome.” Phil slowly pulled his boxers back onto his waist, followed by his trousers. He did up his belt, tucking in his shirt and buttoning it back up. He rose back up to his height, ruffling Dan’s hair before adjusting it to make it look like they didn’t just fuck in a bathroom.

“I love you,” Dan told him before resting his head on Phil’s shoulder, still in front of him with his back to the bathroom wall. “But I can’t move at all. Yet.”

“You are always gonna remember this, you know that?”

“Who wouldn’t remember this? I just can’t believe we didn’t get caught,” Dan joked.

Phil nodded, locking his fingers into Dan’s. “Our dirty little secret.”

Ten minutes later they hadn’t moved, and figured most people had forgotten about them by now, hopefully. It was Phil who decided to make the move and unlocked the door to the cubicle and pulled Dan to the exit of the bathroom. His hand was on the handle.

“If you tell anyone about this I will make it my personal duty to have your dick cut off,” Dan said.

[alchemyphan-blog]

This Was Not a Love At First Sight Story

word count: 2.9k

style: oneshot

desc: Dan works at a cafe and starts pining over a regular customer who likes to order ridiculous coffees and edit his videos. 2009 AU. Written in 2014. 

a/n: it feel so good to be back and posting vvvvv old fics i wrote!! more to come :) 

also an ancient fucking relic when it was cool to write in first person lmao bye this is cringe

Monday, 1:48 P.M.

Working the midday shift guaranteed for quite a different vibe of people. People weren’t rushing around to get their coffee and breakfast, and it wasn’t loud and obnoxious like the dinner shift. It was so laid back, and people always had an inviting presence.

It found itself particularly inviting on a certain day in October.

I cleaned the counter willingly, as given this shift actually made me more looking forward to going to work each day. From behind the counter I watched as people started to occupy the restaurant. One particular man walked in a few minutes after the midday ‘rush’, and sat right in my ideal view. He opened his MacBook, coated in a layer of vibrant stickers. I smiled, and right away I could tell the kind of guy he was - I had earned the ability to do that ever since I started working here. He was the kind of guy that would go for a long time without saying something, then out one of his thoughts. It was like he was running wild in his own place, and was a visitor of the real world. He was the kind of guy I had always wanted to have in my life.

He looked to be about 22, which made it almost impossible for me to talk to him, me not even 19 yet. But I watched him from behind the counter. I could see a sliver of what was on his laptop - it was his own face. His mouse dragged segmented clips of himself with a tiny lion on his shoulder around. I watched him there for at least two minutes before willing myself to take his order. I just happened to be working that section today, a part I never usually do. Something welled up inside me and I felt like it was for a reason. Surely I was just being silly. This was not a love at first sight story we’d tell our kids.

And then I realized - in the time span of 4 minutes I had imagined us with children. I sighed, and lightly slapped my cheek as a discipline for thinking that. You don’t even know his name, I thought.

I looked behind the counter I was stood at and adjusted my hair in the gargantuan mirror. I straightened my black polo I had worn for the past 5 shifts of work, even though I had two others.

Okay Dan, stop this. Just take his order and get out of his hair. What is your problem?

 I found it in myself to open the notepad shaking in my clammy hands.

“Hi, w-what can I get you?” I managed out, my voice cracking. I felt so stupid.

He let out a chuckle. Without looking up from his laptop yet, he began to respond.

“Erm, I’ll have a caramel macchiat-,” he started, his eyes glazing over me. I suddenly felt extremely exposed with his stare on me. Sweat dripped down the back of my neck.

He blinked hard a few times. For the first time, we looked at each other.

You could go swimming in those eyes.

A perfect shade of blue, surrounded with a green tint and specks of yellow. I couldn’t stop staring at them.

Time slowed. Everything seemed to blur and it seemed like we were the only things left walking this realm. I tried to shake myself from my own mind when I’d noticed I had been staring at his lips for at least 20 seconds.

Way to go, you just completely freaked him out, I told myself. But I wonder what it’s like to kiss this man. Was he the type his persona proved him to be? Or was he unpredictable and impossible to read?

Either way, I wanted to find out. But first I just needed his order.

I coughed, looking down.

“So that was a, um, caramel macchiato?” I asked him, leaving off where he stopped.

He looked up at mean again. “Yes, thank you...Dan,” he said, reading my name tag. I vigorously blushed. He just said my name.

I nodded in his direction, and ran away as quick as possible to make him his coffee. Not very many people came in for coffee at 2 P.M. anymore. It was a nice change of pace for this time of day, as most days I didn’t usually get to show off my coffee skills.

I capped the lid on his drink and ran it back over to him, setting it down on the table next to the chair he was sat in.

“Thank you so much. How much is it?” he asked, smiling.

“Oh, it’s-it’s on the house today,” I said quickly. Did I just scare him off paying for his coffee?

“Really? That’s so nice of you, thank you,” he said. I ducked my head for a response, scurrying away.

God, why the hell was I so awkward? 

 Wednesday, 1:51 P.M.

It had been torture the next day. All I could think about was seeing him again, but I knew I had blown it. I slapped myself thinking about how much I had thought about him. I didn’t even know him. For all I know he’s not even from around here and that is all we will know of each other for as long as we live.

But that afternoon a familiar face walked in the door. It had gotten at least 20 degrees colder in two days and by now I was wearing the long sleeve shirt they had supplied me with. He was wearing a lightened purple sweater advertising a blue wolf on it. I found it insanely adorable. He had brought his laptop with him again, another sticker I found had been added to the collection. Indulging in the free wifi, I watched him log into YouTube and lurk around channels, something I’d do a lot of in my free time. He pulled down a tab and clicked ‘upload video’, something I only dreamed of doing one day. The video that was projected onto his screen the days previous was now being added to the world of YouTube. I let him commence the process but realized it took much longer than that, maybe why he’d come here to pass time while waiting.

I walked over to him again. I felt like some kind of stalker.

My eyes lit up when he turned up to me and smiled. A wave of relief came over me when he spoke.

“You’re back! I was hoping I’d see you again,” he said.

My mouth felt like it was sealed shut. Did he actually just tell me he was happy to see me?

“R-really?” I stuttered. My cheeks flourished.

“I-um, yeah,” he suddenly replied quietly, looking down. “N-it doesn’t matter. Forget I said that.”

“No, no,” I told him, “I, um, kind of haven’t stopped thinking about you since you were last here. I felt like I scared you off paying for your coffee and acting weird.”

He didn’t quite reply to that, but just stood there twiddling his thumbs. He invited me to sit down.

Being truthful, I had stayed an extra half an hour past my shift, seeing if he would walk in again.

Graciously, I accepted his offer and sat down in a chair mirroring his, a footrest sharing space between us.

“I’m Dan,” I told him. It was only moments after I realized he already knew that.

“I know,” He said, smirking. “My name is Phil.” Phil. His name tingled to say in my mouth. It was perfect just like him.

“It’s nice to meet you, Phil,” I said, saying his name for the first time. He shook my hand. Electrons buzzed and shocked and illuminated at the touch of our skin, and it was so magical. I just wanted to keep his hand in mine forever, but it seemed a tad bit unrealistic.

Silence hung over us as I attempted to keep the conversation flowing.

“I like your stickers,” I said, pointing to a particular one stating ‘I <3 Your Mum’. He giggled.

“Yeah, that’s one of my favorites, and that one,” he said, pointing to a sticker with Sarah Michelle Gellar’s face covering it.

“Do you ever just wanna get her face tattooed onto yours?” I stated, instantly feeling like freak. This sensation didn’t last for long.

“Yes!” he exclaimed, and my face heated up. I was actually talking to him this very moment.

 “So how long’ve you been working here?” he asked me.

“Well I’ve been working in the industry for about five years ago, it being my first job. I came here about 3 ½ years ago, and I really like it. Recently I got moved from the night shift to the afternoon shift and I like it a lot more. I actually look forward coming to work now,” I told him.

“That’s great to hear! Maybe if you hadn’t we wouldn't have met.” “Funny the way things work out.” We looked at each other as the silence was less unbearable this time.

His laptop made a soft noise. His video had uploaded.

“About time,” he muttered, mostly to himself. I saw him smile a little as another had added to his collection and watched him annotate it quietly.

For a moment he disregarded everything surrounding him. It was really cute, the way he could just detach and hook himself onto something he valued. After a moment he looked up again.

“Sorry, my uh, video uploaded,” he said shyly. I think he expected me to be confused, but I just smiled and nodded knowingly. It felt quite reassuring for him I suppose, not having to explain the concept of what YouTube can really mean to someone. He probably did it quite a lot when people asked him what his job was.

 And then we just sat, not very much in silence but in our own thoughts. I shifted awkwardly in my seat, trying not to make it look like I was as nervous as I was; but he just sat there. He looked comfortable and content, and I began to think if my theory I had depicted of him had been correct. I watched him think there for a few minutes.

After exactly 2 minutes and 12 seconds, he spoke.

“Isn’t it crazy how things just sort of happen? Like here I am, a college student trying to make a living on this website and getting coffee paid for by a really cute guy when even a year ago I wouldn’t have even dreamt of this happening.”

Wait. He just called me cute. Did he just call me cute? He did. Phil just called me cute. Oh my God.

I tried to remain calm exteriorly, but inside I was manically and utterly spazzing.

“I know, I mean a year ago I was probably handing in my A-Levels and dozing off in a geography class from having stayed up all night doing the coursework. I never thought this would happen,” I replied. I had minorly revealed my age. I wanted him to think I was older and smart like him, but in reality I was just a cripplingly awkward and nervous teenager that’s just scraped by my whole life. I was waiting for things to take off. Maybe I just had to wait longer than others did.

 Before I knew it we had been sat there for over 2 hours and the new workers had already commenced preparing for the dinner rush waiting to happen. I warned him about it.

“Yeah, we should probably get out of here. Um, what are you doing this week?” he asked me. I loved how cute and quiet he went when he was trying to flirt on any level. I knew for a fact I wasn’t any better.

“Let’s see, it’s Wednesday today, I’m working here Tomorrow and Saturday,” I said, trying to correctly memorize my schedule.

“Okay, cool. I’ve got class early tomorrow morning, but this time Saturday I don’t. Maybe I’ll stop in and we can talk again. I really liked this,” he said, gaining more confidence.

“I’ll be here,” I told him, now both of us huddled together outside the shop. I was carrying something of his by the opposing side of my body. I didn’t want him to forget it.

“Oh, I forgot to pay you again for the coffee,” he told me. I held a hand out to his shoulder: “It’s no problem. Don’t forget it by the way,” I said, holding his coffee in my hand I know showed him.

“I’m so forgetful. Thank you again, you don’t have to keep buying it for me, though. I may be broke, but I’m not that broke.”

He began to slowly walk up the street, and I watched him from inside the shop see the smiley face I had written next to my phone number. Luckily he didn’t see me.

 It had been almost a year since our first encounter, and we have been together for over 7 months. By now I had let my boss in on my not-so-secret love affair with a customer.

“So we were right?” he asked me. I stared at him confused.

He turned to the co-workers behind him. “We’ve been having a poll going for how long it would take for you to catch on that this is in fact a love at first sight story, as much as you say it isn’t,” He said. 2 of the 4 huffed and handed him a few tens.

“Are you serious? No, that’s not what it is, and you’re just gonna have to give that money back,” I protested.

“Dan, I was here when he first walked in. I saw you two look at each other and boom, love at first sight sparks went off,” Gale, the best barista, told me. “You’re all delusional. That is not what this is,” I said again. This was still not a love at first sight story. It’s been that way since the day we met.

“Whatever you say, but I saw it. With my own two eyes,” she said, making a V-shape with her fingers pointing towards her pupils.

 He walked in the door. I withdrew myself from the conversation, more argument, and practically leaped overtop the counter separating us. Only 2 people were in the whole restaurant that weren’t workers, now 3.

“Phil!” I almost screamed. He ran over to me, smiling. He pushed me up against the outer side of the counter, kissing me. His hands grazed down from the sides of my face to my hips. I kept mine strung around the center of his back. I didn’t even care that my co-workers, not to mention my boss, were sat right on front of me. Usually I’m good about keeping it on the DL, but with Phil participating in PDA is no problem for me. I want everyone to know he’s mine, and he’s not going anywhere.

He drew away.

“Hi, Bear,” he said, just loud enough for me to hear and the others to barely. I curled my head to rest on his bony shoulder and he rubbed my back for a moment. I looked up to him, and my eyes lit up. I loved looking at him and every part of his beautiful structure - his glistening eyes, not tampered by any form of lighting, his rising and reddened cheekbones. It was starting to get cold again, and I had helped him drag out his jumpers two weeks ago. I snuggled into it. I heard the shutter of a camera go off from the tribe of black shirts huddled behind the counter, and they all surrounded the source and giggled. I sighed and glared at them.

Phil and I walked over to the phone and saw it was a picture of my gaze at Phil.

“If you don’t call that love at first sight, then I don’t know what is,” one said.

I would not be winning this battle.

[alchemyphan-blog]

Morning Sex

word count: 1.4k

style: smut

desc: Phil wakes Dan up in the morning to have some cheeky (and super super cheesy) sex. Written in 2015.

“Mmmph,” was the response Dan gave to Phil waking him up with a kiss. Obviously not expecting it, as well as the hand trailing down his chest and stomach.

“Phil?” Dan croaked, his voice laced with grogginess and eyes still closed.

“Good morning,” Phil said. “Now just relax. I want to make you feel good.”

Dan rubbed his eyes, ridding some of the sleep and blinked, getting used to the morning light. He adjusted, and soon came to terms with everything and laid back onto the green and blue pillows as Phil was down in between his legs, stomach near his crotch, lips on his chest. He kissed his collarbone and down, sucking a mark on his peck. When Phil looked up at him, Dan’s eyes were opened wide again and his head was sunk into the pillow. He leant up close to Dan’s face.

“Relax,” he repeated, kissing both of his eyelids. Dan smiled and listened to his commands.

 As Phil rocked back onto his knees, his hands wandered down Dan’s chest and he attached his lips to his stomach.

“You’re so gorgeous.” He sucked another patch of red and purple into his skin. “Always.”

Dan didn’t respond, but lulled his head to the side and smiled. “Mmm,” he mused.

“So gorgeous...” Phil kissed his hipbone as the pads of his fingers grazed over Dan’s smoothened and hairless skin. Dan stirred in his position, occasionally letting light moans escape his lips and feel tingles from the sensation of Phil’s lips. He reached up and placed a kiss on Dan’s forehead before extending his arm to the bedside table and opening the drawer. He opened the bottle of lube and a pool of it spilled onto Phil’s fingers as he tossed it to the side of the bed. Dan was practically motionless, and Phil ended up removing his remaining clothing, consisting of a pair of Phil’s old boxers. He tore off his own pajama pants and assisted Dan in spreading his legs.

“You ready?” Phil asked. He looked up to Dan’s glossy eyes, and nodded back to him when he shook his head yes. He leaned down and kissed his entrance, smiling when he heard a gasp from Dan.

He laid a finger of him, letting Dan feel the cold lube before putting it in him.

“Is that too cold?”

“Always is,” he whispered, and received a small chuckle out of Phil.

He brushed up against his hole again, and Dan’s breath hitched. He started clenching his stomach with anticipation and Phil could sense it. He sat on his knees and rubbed Dan’s legs in an effort to un-tense them.

“That better?” he asked quietly, leaning up slightly to catch Dan’s lips.

Gently at first, Phil inserted a first finger and waited for the reaction. Dan nodded, and he slowly put in another finger, circling around and stretching him. It had been 3 or 4 days since the last time they had sex, caught up in video editing and the general busy lives and neither of them could go without each other for that long. It took a few minutes before Phil knew it was safe for him to put another finger in without hurting Dan. He was already getting exasperated, the way Phil would draw out when he pulled away and back in again. His matted fringe was starting to sweat on the underside and his eyes were glazed over.

“Phil, if you keep doing this,” he paused, and drew in another breath as Phil went in again, “I won’t last.”

“That’s okay, love, whenever you finish is perfect. Like you,” he said in a light voice. He knew it sounded extremely cheesy but he couldn’t help himself - the way Dan would squirm with pleasure and flick the hair out of his eyes and his hot breath against Phil’s skin and it was all so much to handle. He drew out again, placing his hands on either of Dan’s sides and leaning down to place a kiss on the corner of his lips.

He wiped his fingers off and opened the bottle again, a good amount spilling onto his cock. He looked down, checking to see if he was in alignment with Dan.

“Ready?”

“Mm-hmm,” Dan whispered in an innocent tone. He already looked fucked out, the ends of his hair curled and his lips red and chapped. Phil brushed Dan’s fringe to the side, getting a look at him before looking down to make sure he was still parallel to him.

“I love you,” he breathed against Dan’s lips as he bent down.

 Phil began to press in, and it felt as new as their first time, granted it being only a matter of days since the last time they had sex.

“Oh, Phil-” would escape Dan’s lips every now and then, and Phil would rest his head down in the crook of his shoulder, listening to the music of Dan’s moans.

“So much. I love you so much,” Dan relayed back to him.

 It only took Dan’s voice to make him speed up at a gradual pace, soon steadily thrusting in and out, head on Dan’s shoulder, his short fingernails digging slightly into Phil’s lower back. He looked down, connecting their lips together as his fingers wandered over Dan’s chest. Dan sighed into the kiss, buzzing from the perception of what he was feeling. Phil kept at it in a steady pace, picking up but hardly any faster, both enjoying these moments.

 “You are so beautiful. I love the way you look. The way you speak. Everything. I love you so much,” Phil rambled.

“Phil…” Dan whispered, hardly audible. He grabbed Phil by the neck to bring him down to his level and kissed him, unintentionally moaning into Phil’s mouth when his tongue began to graze his lower lip. He looked back up at him, latching a few fingers into his black locks. “You will never know how much I love you.”

His fingers trailed down Phil’s body and he wrapped his fingers around the base of his cock, stroking it lightly, or what portion of it would not inside Dan. Soon moans could be heard from Phil, and he paused halfway inside Dan while a hand was on his cock. It didn’t take much longer for Phil to grab onto Dan, and pumping it with a fast motion.

“Ph-Phil - I’m-” Dan gasped out, his fingers now sliding around Phil’s chest as he was almost fully inside of him.

“I know, Dan,” he said, running his thumb back and forth over the tip as Dan came over Phil’s hand and both of their stomachs. Watching Dan throw his head back and scream in pleasure was enough to always send Phil over the edge as he came inside Dan. He collapsed onto Dan’s chest, panting heavily and listening to his fast heartbeat.  

“Holy sh- Oh my God,” Dan whispered.

“I know.”

Phil looked around at the usual post-sex area surrounding them. Lube and come had spilled onto the duvet, and he knew he’d have to wash it, as well as Dan. He lifted himself up and slowly pulled out. Grabbing Dan by the hands, he lifted him to his feet and grabbed the duvet.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

They were still connected by a hand, and Phil led him to the washer where a few articles of clothing sat, dropped the duvet in, and started a cycle. Walking them back the opposite way, he closed the door to the inside of the bathroom and started the water, watching it spray out as steam filled the room. He opened the door and more steam poured out as he closed it when Dan was in.

“We should get clean,” Phil said finally.

And again, Phil took control of him as he washed Dan’s hair and covered his body in soap, watching him smile and feel the contentedness. Dan transferred almost all of his weight to Phil as he massaged the back of his scalp, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder as he held him by the waist.

“I wish I could stay like this forever,” Dan said over the sound of the water.

“I wish I could too, love, but I don’t think we could explain the water bill to our landlord. Plus we’d get really wrinkly.”

Dan laughed, and circled his arms around Phil’s sides as he rocked Dan and him back and forth, humming into Dan’s ear.

 “I love you, gorgeous.”

[alchemyphan-blog]

hello

so currently im writing a pretty massive au that i really want to finish asap so look forward to that! and thank you for all the support even though i literally reopened this account like two days ago!!! was not expecting that <3